Month: July 2021

CHAPTER 20 FOUNDATIONAL CAKE BAKING

Kurt had brought a blanket so they could sit on the grass. He’d also grabbed some cheese, crackers, fruit and water. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast and he thought Javi might be hungry, too. Once they settled in, Kurt with his back against the tree and Javi cross-legged on the blanket, they each grabbed a water bottle and some grapes, and made small talk, getting comfortable with each other.

Javi took a sip of water and leaned back on his hands, then took off his hat. Again, Kurt was stunned just looking at him. He’d oh so casually unbuttoned the one button on his shirt and the shirt fell away to reveal his smooth light brown skin and his well-muscled torso. He tilted his head towards the sky and exclaimed, “What a perfect day!” And, indeed it was. It would be starting to get cold in New York, Kurt thought.

Javi had stretched his legs out on the blanket and all Kurt could think about was how he’d never seen a pair of distressed jeans look so sleek and sexy. He was getting distressed just looking at Javi stretched out on that blanket, his face raised to heaven, eyes closed.

Javi let out a sigh of contentment and turned his full attention to Kurt, not that his full attention had ever left him. He didn’t think he’d ever enjoyed watching a person eat so much in his life! How could eating a friggin’ grape look so hot! Watching those dimples flicker in and out was an appetizing experience all by itself. Okay, get the ducks in a row, Javi! You could sit here and watch Kurt all day, which wasn’t exactly the worst way to spend an afternoon, but he knew what he wanted to say and do. He hoped Kurt would understand what he was going to say. He hoped it would be a heart-to-heart conversation, not a one-sided discourse. He still remembered the person who taught him this and, for once, the mere thought of him didn’t bring a dull ache in his chest.

“Kurt, come sit with me,” he wanted them to be facing each other. Kurt moved over so he was sitting across from Javi, and as they both got comfortable, Javi reached for Kurt’s hands and held them for a moment, before saying, “I want to talk to you about something that’s very important to me, to us, if we’re going to caminar este camino puntos, sorry, that’s a line from a song I helped write…if we’re going to walk this path together.” Kurt said nothing. He loved it when Javi occasionally slipped into Spanish, such a musical language. But this was not the time to tell him that; he was obviously focused on something and he didn’t want to interrupt.

“I want you to close your eyes,” Javi said. “Okay???” Kurt replied in a puzzled voice. Javi smiled and laughed, “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on hurting you. In fact, I’m pretty sure you might enjoy this, so just relax.” Kurt took a breath, let it out, then closed his eyes. When his eyes were closed, Javi reached over and starting with his brow moved his fingers slowly over Kurt’s face, touching him just as softly as he had kissed him earlier. As Javi’s fingers stirred over his eyes, his lashes, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, it didn’t feel like he was just caressing his face…again, it was like animated electricity, every part of him inside and out responded. Even his mind was betraying him…was he really seeing stars? With obvious intent, Javi’s fingers continued to explore his neck, moving up to his ears and into his hair. It was almost a feeling of shock to his system when he stopped and took Kurt’s hands again.

“Now open your eyes, Kurt,” Javi half-whispered, and when Kurt looked at him, he could tell what had just happened affected Javi as much as it had him. “Now, I want you to do the same,” and Javi closed his eyes. Kurt felt like he wasn’t in a park in San Diego anymore; he wasn’t sure where he was, but it wasn’t anywhere on the planet he’d ever been.

He got comfortable and then let go of Javi’s hands and began exploring his face, exactly as Javi had done to him. It felt the same and different all at once. The more he caressed Javi’s skin the more it felt like, as crazy as it sounded, an out-of-body experience. Right now, in this moment, he never wanted it to end. Watching Javi as he lightly stroked his face, his neck, his hair – he wanted to entwine his fingers into those curls so badly -felt as intimate as when Javi had been touching Kurt. Finally, he tucked his hands back into Javi’s and let out a shaky breath.

When Javi opened his eyes, he saw Kurt looking back at him with the same look Kurt was surely seeing from Javi – raw desire. This was so difficult but so necessary in their situation.

Javi finally broke the gaze and said, “Someone taught me this once as a way to understand what an exclusive, long-term relationship needed to look like from the beginning. I’ll try to explain, and please, please feel free to speak up. This is not about me or you anymore. It’s about us.”

“Romantic relationships start out as a jumble of physical attraction and the desire to love someone on a deeper level. The physical almost always overwhelms us. That first touch, that first kiss, all that intoxicating desire….it’s sort of like a cake, Kurt.” Javi looked to the sky as if looking for divine intervention. “Most people start out wanting the frosting first, or that’s what they think they want. And because everything seems so easy and so perfect and tastes so sweet, we overlook the foundation, the cake, that the frosting needs to support itself. And that’s why so many relationships fail. We need to explore the foundation of a person first, and as we both know, the physical is like walking into the ocean when the tide is coming in. We’re hit with a giant wave of want.”

“What we just did was overwhelming. We’re both sitting right here, right now, wanting each other so much we can hardly stand it, but we need to start with discovering who we are to each other underneath. I don’t mean we shouldn’t or won’t touch and kiss and hug. Of course, we will, and sometimes it will almost kill us to not succumb to the high tide, but at least for a while it’s important that we don’t. I know most people don’t think this way these days. Maybe it was my strict upbringing, probably the fact that I grew up in the Church, and even though I’m completely estranged from my family, I learned to think before I act from them.”

He didn’t realize it, but he’d looked down for a few moments because he was concentrating so much on what he was saying. He looked up at Kurt and there were tears in his eyes. Kurt hated it when he cried; he looked absolutely horrible, but he couldn’t help himself. Everything Javi had said was true. He honestly didn’t know what had gone wrong with him and Blaine, but he didn’t want to start something with anyone if he was terrified it was only going to end because he might have done something wrong. Deep down, he knew he wasn’t totally responsible for the downfall of that relationship. Yes, he was afraid, deathly afraid in fact, of starting a new relationship, but he was even more afraid that if he didn’t try with Javi, he may never want to try again.

Kurt grabbed one of the cloth napkins he’d brought with the snacks and tried to get himself back together. When he was done, he looked at Javi, but he was without words. They just sat there for a while not saying a word, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was like they were speaking without even trying.

Finally, Kurt looked up and took those wonderfully sensual fingers and said, “I don’t know if I’m ready for someone like you, but I want to be. If I wait until I think I’m ready, I know I never will be. What you said was true, so true, and I’ve never known anyone quite as expressive as you are. I know what I want. You’re right, I want love and I want an honest relationship. I don’t know what you’ve been through in the past, but I know you’ve been hurt deeply. It doesn’t take a genius to see and understand that. I may be only 22, and I may not know what I want to do with the rest of my life yet, but I do know what I want when it comes to this. Javi…” Kurt hesitated for a minute and cleared his throat. “I do want you, every time I see you again, I want you more…but as difficult as it may be, I want all of you and I don’t want to start with the frosting no matter how sweet it may be if it means not having the chance to really know someone like you.”

Javi could stand it no longer. He reached for Kurt and kissed him, starting out softly and slowly as he had before, kissing his face, his eyes, butterfly kisses until he reached his lips. He started out as softly as before, kissing the corners, moving his fingers and his lips over Kurt’s mouth. Slowly, he slipped his tongue into Kurt’s mouth until he touched only the very tip of his tongue, and then explored every inch of his mouth, returning to his tongue. As Kurt tried to respond, Javi stopped for just a second, and then kissed him deeply, finally allowing Kurt to return his kiss.

When they finally parted, they were both completely out of breath. As they recovered from all that kiss had spoken of, Javi looked at Kurt and said softly, “Your second Spanish lesson, Kurt. Abrazame, Kurt, abrazame y nunca me sueltes,” Javi saw the recognition in his eyes. He knew Kurt had been watching videos. “I know you understand abrazame, it means hold me, Kurt….and never let me go.” Kurt reached for him and made a wish…that he would truly never, ever have to let Javi go.

CHAPTER 19 – YES PLEASE

As Javi got off the plane along with a hundred or so others, he was glad only one person recognized him. One of the polite, considerate fans, the kind that reminded him of one of the many reasons he loved his life. It had been his lifelong dream and it still was. Yes, sometimes that dream could be a nightmare, but he had never pictured himself doing anything but singing, entertaining, making people really feel…something…anything.

He and Kurt had decided to meet at the park again. They didn’t actually say it, but they knew that meeting at Kurt’s loft or Javi’s house would be far too tempting. Javi especially didn’t want that kind of temptation yet or he didn’t want it before he had some time to say what he’d been thinking about in LA. They didn’t have to be at Cam’s place until 7:00, so that gave them a whole afternoon and Javi was so glad for that oasis of peace. Recording a new release usually consumed almost every waking hour and typically many of the hours that normal people use to sleep. It was ideal when he could have some downtime between the intensity of recording and the exhausting, but exhilarating, joy of performing.

After stopping at his house to change clothes and shower, he looked forward to walking to the park. It felt good to move freely after so many hours sitting in the recording studio and the flight home. And it gave him time to think. He’d done a lot of thinking and he was anticipating the conversation with Kurt.

He’d dressed down today, well, down for him anyway. He loved clothes and fashion, always looking for something different, colorful and sometimes a little edgy. He’d chosen a black shirt with a paintball splash of brightly colored flowers over his chest on the left. The shirt had one button fastened right above his navel that showed just enough of his pecs to be inviting. He wore a pale green hat with a small pink feather on the side to match one of multiple shades of the flowers on the shirt. His distressed jeans were black and as always skin tight.

He found Kurt sitting under one of the few trees in the park with shade, his eyes closed, a hat resting beside him. As yet, Kurt didn’t appear to be aware of Javi’s presence and he took a few moments to just observe. He was divine, almost otherworldly, and Javi was hopelessly enchanted with him. He tried to clear his mind. If Kurt said that he wanted to continue seeing Javi, he didn’t want Kurt’s looks to get in the way, almost an impossible task, but what he wanted to say was important to him. He hoped Kurt found it as needful as Javi did.

After he’d taken in the burnt orange T-shirt that fit Kurt like a glove, tucked in, his jeans that were perfectly matched to the color of his T-shirt and a dull black leather belt encircling his waist, he smiled as he looked at the hat that also matched the color of the shirt. He wore an earring that looked like a black cat with the tail dangling loosely from his ear. He loved the fact that Kurt had such amazing fashion sense. He shook his head to get his mind back in the game.

He knelt down level with Kurt’s ear and murmured, “Hola, mi hermoso joven amigo,” then kissed him on the cheek. Kurt had felt him approach, but he hadn’t opened his eyes. Strange as it sounded, he wanted to just stay there in that moment, becoming aware of Javi’s presence and that intoxicating scent, Sauvage. He opened his eyes and rearranged himself against the tree. “What did you just say? I got the hola and amigo part…” I said, “Hello, my beautiful young friend…and every word was true.” Kurt looked down and blushed, then looked back up at Javi and simply said, “I’m so glad you’re back, Javi.” Javi thought lightening the mood might be in order, so he nodded toward the hat and said, “I see you took my advice! Where did you find it?” Kurt explained about the boutique he worked at and Javi wondered how he managed to miss it. Obviously, they probably had clothes to his taste.

“Me, too! Oh, me too, I love my work, but I love to come home. San Diego is the perfect place for me,” and as if it could get more perfect, it had, and the reason was sitting right next to him.

“So, I know you’ve been busy with classes and work, but did you have time to think about our last conversation?” They could always make small talk later. This conversation was going to be as meaningful to them and how they would move forward as the conversations they’d already had, maybe more so because it would require a desire to have something deeper and more tangible than just a physical relationship (and God, how he wanted that physical connection right now!)

Kurt had noticed from the start that Javi was taking the lead and after his time with Blaine he was kind of glad. As much as Kurt liked to be in control and it came naturally to him, Blaine had been the more insecure one when they were together. It hadn’t started out that way, after all Blaine had kissed him first, but he also remembered how hard it had been to bide his time waiting to see if Blaine would come around. I guess in a way he had been in control, even then. Kurt had also been the older of the two. But he had been totally unprepared for someone like Javi or anyone for that matter. And Javi was older than Kurt…and he seemed so confident and comfortable in his own skin. Kurt decided he’d enjoy the ride a little while longer.

“Yeah, I did think about it a lot. I made time, actually. And I haven’t changed my mind. Yes, of course, it’s still scary, and yes, we may end up failing, but I haven’t met anyone like you since…” and his voice trailed off. Javi looked at him as Kurt looked up at Javi and there it was, that eye connection, that neither ever seemed able to look away from. “Kurt, I’m pretty sure I know what you were going to say, but that’s for another time…well, unless you really want to talk about it now…” Kurt took in those sincere, caring eyes, trying not to get lost in them. He wanted this man sooo much! He was like animated electricity to Kurt; all he had to do was be near him. “No, they’re in our pasts not in our future, I hope. Let’s talk about now and tomorrow and maybe the next day or year, but let’s leave them where they should be for today.”

CHAPTER 18 – WATCH LATER

Kurt had classes on Monday and then worked from 2 to 6. He liked his job. He worked at a men’s boutique and he was paid both hourly and on commission, so it really helped. Now that he had some idea of what kind of clothing and fashion changes he needed to make, he could start using his employee discount. He and Adam had both agreed it would be better to take fewer classes, at least for the first semester or so until they got used to San Diego. They both had scholarships, which helped, too. NYADA had opened a lot of doors for them. The cost of living wasn’t dissimilar to New York, but in every other way so far it had been like the difference between night and day. Even night and day were different, he thought.

Tuesday was more of the same, without the classes, which gave him time for homework, and since Adam was working today, he was fixing dinner. He wasn’t sure what that would be yet, but it really wasn’t the first thing on his mind. Yes, Tuesday was more of the same. Yet, “the same” that existed less than a week ago, didn’t feel routine anymore. What was foremost in his mind had nothing to do with work or classes and certainly wasn’t what he might whip up in the kitchen.

The only thing he could compare it to was landing in Oz after living in Kansas for over a year, almost two. His world had developed from a black and white photo into “living color” as the TV shows used to say it.

Javi had texted him a couple times and had even sent a selfie where he was in a recording studio with headphones on. He’d added a text that said, “No hats allowed while recording” and some silly emojis tacked on. Kurt had texted back a pic of himself at work with one of the many hats for sale, “modeling for the customer…they’re always right!” There had been a few late night texts about their plans for Wednesday when Javi got back from LA. They’d decided to go to Cam’s get-together on Wednesday night and Javi had already sent a text to Cam asking if Adam could bring Ethan, the response being, “The more the merrier!”

They kept their texts light and it seemed that Kurt was rewriting every text at least 10 times before he sent it. In true Kurt fashion, he really was thinking about everything they had discussed and more. It was almost insanely impossible to keep his mind off of the….and more part. That’s exactly where he wanted to start and forget everything else that might get in the way.

Whenever Javi came to mind, like almost every minute of every waking hour, he could somewhat successfully nudge him towards the file folder of his mind named, “Watch later,” just like on Youtube. Except when Adam wasn’t there to talk to or he was almost asleep, if he managed to make it that far, Javi was right there. Holding his fingers, kissing him, quite honestly, as he had never been kissed by anyone, his gentle hands on his cheeks, tracing his lips with his ring finger. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was laughing, his eyes illuminating his entire face or they became soft and concerned as they talked about something serious. He was walking towards him with open arms waiting to embrace him, his hair tumbling carelessly over one eye…of course that hadn’t happened yet….He was whispering “Besame, Kurt,” over and over, and that’s exactly what Kurt was doing over and over, kissing him….It was times like these he really wished that all he cared about was physical release…that would be easy. But it always left him feeling empty and hollow, not really satisfying what he really craved, affection and love, a relationship that was as close to a perfect combination of emotional and physical. He’d had that once, he wanted it again.

Javi had just finished a long, but productive, recording session. His new release, No Voy A Morir De Amor (I Will Not Die of Love), was as perfect as he could make it. It was something of an irony that he had written this song right after Tonio was gone, when he was certain he WOULD die of love and had to make himself try to live again. He had never recorded it because he didn’t want to hear it playing over and over again in unexpected places, or worse, having to sing it over and over again live. Just before he met Kurt he’d finally decided it was time to record and release it, he thought probably all part of the healing process. As it turned out, even when he was singing this song over and over the past two days to get it right, Tonio wasn’t ever present. The song had made him sad, but he didn’t feel like his heart was being ripped from his chest…again. Almost 8 years and the pain had never really left him…until Kurt. He could sing about Tonio, and without him even realizing, his thoughts would shift to Kurt. He could almost hear Tonio cheering him on or giving him a stern talking to about not living in the past. Tonio would not have wanted him to live this way for 8 years, but he’d kept himself busy as a way of avoiding the memories, and then suddenly 8 years had gone by.

Kurt was never far from his mind or his heart. He kept reliving the moment they met, those eyes that were a million shades of every color, almost like watching the seasons change, although he didn’t have a lot of personal experience with that. He watched him as he spun, as if contained in his own personal Kurt whirlwind, that Sunday morning, so graceful, so agile, so stunning, totally unaware of his own beauty. He wanted to feel Kurt’s hand holding his face, speaking so earnestly as if he couldn’t lie if his life depended on it. Again and again, he felt his lips so soft and yielding against his own. He wouldn’t allow himself to think too far into the future or what it would be like to hold this exceptional man close without all the barriers of fear, of expectations, of the baggage of past relationships…and yes the very simple, but consequential barrier of clothing. And right now, his entire body was focused on that particular barrier.

He had no illusions about how an exclusive relationship would change his life, possibly even more than Kurt’s. After a few years of meaningless time spent with faceless men who he cared nothing for…they were just always available….he avoided one-night stands. Although it was always an option, if he and Kurt were to be exclusive, it wasn’t an option anymore. He didn’t know what Kurt’s experiences had been with faithful or unfaithful partners, but unfaithfulness wasn’t something he’d ever wanted to deal with. Antonio had been so open and honest. Absolutely, they had both been tempted. As he had told Kurt, temptation was just a part of life as an entertainer. Yet, somehow he and Tonio had held it all together. True, they spent a good part of their time together, sometimes almost joined at the hip, and even that could ruin a relationship. He wasn’t entirely sure how they had made it work so well, he just knew that they had.

That was then, this was the present. He had no qualms about doing the “single-handed shuffle” as he jokingly called it. No, it wasn’t anything like having the person you loved beside you. You really couldn’t write songs for a living and not grasp how dependent true intimacy was to true love. Well, at least he couldn’t write songs without that knowledge.

He grabbed his phone and brought up the only picture of Kurt that he had. How could a person be that adorable and still be so tantalizing and seductive at the same time? And in the middle of a workday, as if it was just a part of who he was. And that’s exactly what it was, it was intrinsically Kurt, no one had ever had to teach him to be just flat-out sexy.

He set the phone on the table beside the bed and reached for the unscented baby oil he had laced with Sauvage. He loved the smell of Sauvage and silly as it sounded it reminded him of Kurt because he had been wearing it the first time they met. He opened the bottle and poured the oil into his hand. He looked at the picture of Kurt, locked it in his mind as if to hold onto something precious, and slowly reached for himself. His mind took in every aspect of Kurt that revolved through his mind like watching a favorite movie over and over. As he moved one hand steadily and rhythmically over the most exquisitely vulnerable part of his body, he arched his back and felt the freeing of the physicality of his being as his heart and mind watched Kurt twirl to look at him again and again and again.

CHAPTER 17 – YOU’RE DATING JAVI?

As he watched Javi walk away, he hoped this wasn’t a metaphor for whatever the future held. Javi walking away from him to be “Javi” and him waiting here or wherever for him to return. He knew he was abandoning 75% of “Kurt” to follow that ever-present voice. That voice that always spoke the truth and almost always sent him down the path of taking chances, being impulsive, acting out every possible scenario in his head before deciding anything. He could still feel the kiss and hear him whisper, “Besame, Kurt.” Either he’d lost his mind or Javi was accomplished at much more than singing and entertaining.

He took a few minutes to gather his thoughts. Adam would be curious as to where he’d been this weekend and he had to admit, he was curious about Ethan. Maybe starting fresh in San Diego was actually going to work for them. It had certainly been way too long for both of them. Good riddance, Blaine and Barry!

He unlocked the door and was engulfed in what smelled like Italian food. Adam was a fantastic cook. Definitely Italian! And he was what felt like famished; all that adrenalin this weekend. Had it really been only 2 days?Adam came out of the kitchen, wiping his hands with a dish towel, and in typical straightforward fashion asked, “So! Where have you been? You actually look like you might have gotten some sun, what a novel thought! Two months in California and you don’t look like Snow White anymore!” He laughed.

Before he even had a chance to sit down or ask about Adam’s new “friend,” Adam stopped him, made him sit down and said, “You first! This is like men landing on Mars or something. Kurt Hummel did not spend another weekend doing homework, reading, texting family, watching TV, cleaning the place just to keep busy…well, that part isn’t really true. You clean the place no matter what. You threw caution to the wind and actually discovered you were in San Diego instead of New York?””

Okay, okay, enough! Sit down and I’ll tell you what I did on “my summer vacation” except not in as great a detail.” Adam smiled and said, “Good! Dinner is a ways off yet.”

Kurt took a moment to collect himself, then simply said, “I met someone after you left Friday night.” Adam rolled his eyes, “Can you give me a little more than that??” “Yeah, of course,” Kurt said, but where to begin?

“His name is Javi.” Adam got very quiet for a moment, and then asked, “Javi? What’s his last name?” Kurt told him and Adam just sat there stunned. “You’re dating Javi Ramos Ruiz????” “Well, we’ve only had one date…” “No, seriously, Javi, the pop singer from Mexico???” “Yeah, I guess so, unless there’s more than one Mexican pop singer named Javi….” Kurt said, as Adam kept talking.

“Before Friday night you had no idea Javi was well, Javi???? He was with one of the most popular Latinx pop groups ever!” Kurt looked at Adam, and said a bit defensively, “Geez, Adam, it’s not like Lima, Ohio had a significant Latinx population!” “How do you know him so well?”

“Believe it or not, I actually have some family, mostly by marriage who are Latinx. I know you probably think because I grew up in Australia and obviously have all this lovely Irish blood running through my veins, I couldn’t possibly know much or anything about Mexico or Latinxs. You do remember we’re drama students and music is “muy importante” to us. That’s very important in case you didn’t know, my sheltered friend. And when we moved to Texas, there may have been more Latinxs there than anywhere else in the US. And throw all of that into the cultural melting pot and you arrive at me. In Texas, you really can’t escape Latin American music.”

“So, you met Javi in a gay bar in San Diego. It’s never been confirmed, but I sort of thought he was gay. “Did you Google him?,” Adam knew that would get under Kurt’s skin. “Yeah, but only his music videos, mostly when he was with Mateo…at least so far.”

“Wow! And Mateo was really riding high for a long while. They were really kind of phenomenal. Best stage presence I may have ever seen. You know their story then? You know about Javi and Antonio and how that all ended?”

“No, Adam, I don’t know and I don’t want you to tell me either! I didn’t Google all the gossip and interviews like you might have…or maybe not since you obviously knew their “story”, he stabbed at the air with quotes. “We talked a lot this weekend and I want to give the man himself a chance to reveal his life story and not confront him with what might be just a whole lot of internet garbage. For one, it’s not fair to him. He can’t Google Kurt Hummel and find everything that may or may not be true about me. He’d be lucky to find out that I even exist. When he’s ready, when we’re ready, we’ll talk more about our pasts.”

Adam lifted one eyebrow and said, “We???? You’ve known him for less than 2 days and you’re a we????” Actually, despite his teasing, part of him was ready to turn cartwheels for Kurt, Mr. Careful, Cautious, Let Me Think About It…., but part of him felt protective. He had been through so much with Blaine…and then when Blaine and Barry had gotten together, it had been devastating for them both. Sure, it still hurt, but Kurt didn’t bounce back as quickly as Adam.

He decided he’d stop right where he was. Kurt didn’t need a mother. If anything, Adam was the one who needed mothering, and funny as it sounded, Kurt was good at that! He also knew that Kurt wouldn’t listen to him anyway and what could he say that Kurt didn’t already know…about relationships that is. Kurt had been born an old man, albeit a very sexy old man. If it worked for them, that would be great. If it didn’t, he hoped he’d be around to help pick up the pieces.

Kurt said, “Slip of the tongue. “We” is still up for discussion, a lot of discussion, and time. Look! I know this is not me, but I’m tired of being alone; no offense. I’m tired of my brain living my life like I’m still in New York waiting for Blaine to change his mind. He’s not going to and honestly I couldn’t take him back again if I wanted to.”

“I know what you’re thinking, Adam. You obviously know some things about Javi that I don’t. Yeah, there’s an age difference and I’m sure you don’t see him as “my type,” but since I’ve really only had two boyfriends in 22 years, you being one of them, don’t we have to wonder what “my type” is? For right now, Javi Ramos Ruiz is my type and I appear to be his.”

“Now let’s talk about Ethan, shall we? I’m assuming if you googled him you’d find out about as much as if you Googled yourself. I like his name, tell me the rest.”

CHAPTER 16 – (BESAME) KISS ME

Javi stood up and gave his legs a few shakes to get rid of the pins and needles from sitting yoga style, then reached down and offered Kurt his hand. Kurt clasped his hand and got to his feet. He didn’t know what to say and decided nothing might be the best idea. They’d both said much more than either had intended, but he didn’t feel the least bit uneasy. As much as he didn’t understand why, he was actually somewhat relieved to let go of the reticence he thought he should be feeling right now. “I need to check my texts,” Javi said, drawing them both back into real time, “it won’t take but a sec,” and as he wandered toward a nearby picnic table, Kurt thought he might as well check his, too.

A couple of texts from Adam telling him he was home and alone. His way of saying Ethan was somewhere else. They’d devised several ways of saying things without really saying them in New York. There was one from his dad just checking in. He smiled at that. Despite all the distance between them, he was still close with Burt and Carole. He’d call him back tonight.

When he was done, he shut his phone off again. He hadn’t done that hardly at all since the move; he didn’t have any real reason not to be interrupted. He checked the time, almost 5 o’clock. Then he turned around to find Javi just watching him as if he were spellbound by what he saw. Kurt felt a shiver and looked down for a minute. He couldn’t hold Javi’s gaze. It was all a bit much to take in; in fact, it was unnerving. Guys had told him before pretty much what Javi had said about his looks. He didn’t believe it himself. Yes, he knew he was attractive enough. Yet when he looked in a mirror that’s all he saw. A reasonably attractive man, but certainly nothing that would elicit the kind of adjectives that Javi and others spoke of. Oh, well…at least he wasn’t infatuated with himself as well as being infatuated with the man who seemed to be unashamedly contemplating him.

As Javi walked toward him, again, he noticed his easy gait. It was like his whole body knew its way around flawlessly, without effort. The only thing Kurt could compare it to was a model moving along a runway, except Javi did not even seem to be conscious of it. None of the body consciousness that Kurt hated about himself. Then he reminded himself that Javi had lived in his body 13 years longer than Kurt had – perhaps there was still hope. In the meantime, he decided he’d just enjoy the view as Javi reached for his fingers again. He was pretty sure that Javi knew the intoxicating feeling that slight touch evoked as opposed to simply holding his hand. A lot of experience and attentiveness so subtly revealed.

Lost in their own thoughts, they were almost surprised when they’d reached Kurt’s building. “Do you have to go inside right away or do you have time to talk a bit more?” Javi inquired. Even if Kurt had invited him in, he would have said no. As much as his body would have said yes to Kurt practically from the moment they met, he knew they’d already shared far more than either of them had intended. As he waited for Kurt to answer, his senses whispered frantically, wait, patience, not yet…not…yet.

They sat down on a bench off to the side of the door. This time, he was very intentional about taking Kurt’s hand and slowly revealed some of his thoughts.

“Kurt, I have to be in LA for a couple days. While I’m gone I want you to rethink all that we’ve talked about. I have no doubt we both meant exactly what we said, but I also know you’re cautious and that’s as it should be. The world is full of people and situations that can’t always be trusted. Being gay, I think we both know that more than most.”

There are some things you need to know about me. I’m not totally out. I’m not out at all in Mexico. We kind of talked about that already, I know. I’m mostly out in the US and in San Diego everyone knows. Coming out completely might end my career, so at least right now it’s not an option for me. The fact that I’ve managed to keep it to speculation only while doing what I love to do is a minor miracle. And being with me might complicate your life in that respect, too. Dating a celebrity puts you in the spotlight sometimes. I’ve done a really good job of keeping my private life private, but as I said very few things in this life can be trusted completely or at all.

Something else I want you to think about is exclusivity….or not. I haven’t been in an exclusive relationship in a very long time. Ever heard the term celebrity-fuck? To a lot of men, and women, actually, all I am is a commodity, a notch on their belt. Luckily, I cut the “competition” in half. Women don’t interest me at all!” He sort of smiled at that, “and to be blunt, for a long time I lived on one-night stands, until I discovered they really weren’t worth the time or effort. Keeping that quiet took some real work, but when you’re well-known there always seems to be a way if you look hard enough. I just want you to know, temptation is everywhere for me.

You’re only 22, Kurt. Although you seem mature beyond your years, there are going to be times when I might be gone for weeks, and occasionally months. Sure, I can alleviate some of the difficulties with that. I could fly back here sometimes or fly you to wherever I may be, but distance like that is hard to deal with. We may not always be there for each other is what I’m trying to say. We can text, talk, Skype….but you know what I’m saying.”

“Sitting here with you, I can’t even imagine us as anything but exclusive. It’s only been 2 days and I know that what you say is true. Romantic relationships almost always start out this way.” There he’d said it, the word they were both avoiding, romantic. Kurt started to speak, but Javi reached over and traced his lips with his finger, then said, “Shhhh! Please let me finish. I’m almost sure I could handle the distance and the things we’d have to do to accommodate it; I’ve had years of practice on the road.”

“It’s you I’m concerned for. You just moved here. I seriously doubt it was just for the weather or because you got tired of the stress of being a student at NYADA. I don’t want you to feel tied down to a vagabond…unless you really want to be.” Javi stilled his voice, finally giving Kurt a chance to speak. There was a word picture, Kurt tied down…quite literally. Here he was having a serious discussion…where did that image come from? Like he didn’t know? He was trying to be serious, but he couldn’t deny this overwhelming attraction any more than he could deny his Latinx heritage.

“Javi, look at me…please,” and without even realizing what he was doing, he slowly raised Javi’s chin so that he was looking directly at him, he didn’t have a choice. Kurt gently rested his hand on Javi’s cheek.

“You’re right about everything you said. “But..”, Kurt sighed and looked toward the sky, “I want to try. With you, I want to try with you. Even though we both might get hurt. Even though it may seem the odds are against us. Even though….there may be times when we might want to say, “Why the fuck am I doing this to myself, to him? Is it really worth it?…Yes, I’ll think about all of this, I only ask the same of you.”

Javi raised his hand to his cheek and placed it over Kurt’s hand, “I’ll be back on Wednesday and we can talk again whenever you have the time. We can text, stay in contact while I’m away…or not. I want to keep in touch, but I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

Kurt slowly nodded and said he had classes until one on Wednesday, but he was free the rest of the day. They sat there just looking at each other, like the conversation had taken every ounce of strength they possessed.

Finally, Javi said, “Well, I better go.” And Kurt just nodded. Javi stood up…but then he sat back down and drew Kurt toward him, resting his hands lightly on his beautiful face. He kissed him so lightly, like the touch of a feather on the right cheek, then the left, and on the tip of his upturned nose. In a whisper only Kurt could hear, he breathed, “Besame, Kurt…” Kurt couldn’t think, he couldn’t speak, he could barely breathe, but he knew what the word besame meant. He’d only watched Mateo sing that word countless times already and knew every nuance of Javi in those videos.

Bay-sa-may….kiss me. Even the sound of the word was intoxicating. If Kurt had stayed in New York he would never have felt comfortable, so public with any kind of affection, but this was San Diego and his entire world had just been turned upside down.

As Javi barely kissed his lips, just like in the park, he kissed him back, feeling as if he was drowning but didn’t care.

CHAPTER 15 – HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY

“The perfect day in San Diego! There’s a park not far from here. Would you like to go sit in the sun and forget the rest of the world exists for a while or do you have plans?” He wanted to give Kurt an out if he needed one, hoping not only that he didn’t need one but that he didn’t even want one. Kurt said he would just text Adam in case he came home and wondered where Kurt was. Kurt not being home, other than for school and work, was a rarity. He really hoped Adam was having as much fun as he was. They both deserved it.

As they took their time walking, falling into easy conversation about Kurt’s current job, what classes he was taking, how glad he was not to be facing another winter in New York, and what additions or subtractions he might want to make to his wardrobe, Javi again lightly reached for Kurt’s fingers, not his hand, just his fingers. Kurt had no idea why, but for whatever reason that whisper of a touch felt more like a jolt of lightning even more than if Javi was holding his hand.

When they arrived at the park, Kurt still found it strange that there were so few trees. In New York there were some parks even in the city that were akin to small forests. Here, trees were planted intentionally, and a person could easily soak up the sun. That was something Kurt hadn’t really taken into consideration much when they’d moved. He had such fair skin, he had to be careful, burning and freckles were a real concern to him. Who wanted to be a 20-something with freckles?

Javi said, “Do you mind sitting on the grass? It’s just something I really like to do.” Kurt decided with his black jeans it probably wouldn’t matter. It wasn’t like they were going to play tackle football. Javi took off his fuchsia jacket, laid it on the park bench revealing a black muscle shirt. Kurt almost had to look away! He had a body that would not quit! Of course, that had been obvious even with the jacket on, but he really knew how to take care of himself…and to show it off to optimum effect. It had quite the effect on Kurt for sure! And with the jacket off his tight pants left little to the imagination, not that Kurt minded; he didn’t feel like being imaginative.

Javi sat cross-legged on the grass and then handed Kurt his hat. Kurt gave him an inquiring look as Javi said, “If you’re going to live in San Diego with porcelain skin you have to learn to take care of it! Here, use my hat. Obviously, I don’t have porcelain skin. Hats with wide brims might be a necessity for your wardrobe. And I have a feeling you’d look awesome in hats.” He said it so matter-of-factly, as if it wasn’t a personal thing to share your most noticeable fashion statement with someone else and Kurt put it on without further thought. Actually, he knew he looked good in hats. And, Javi looked just as good without one. Those long blue-black curls. He wanted to reach out and touch them, but…..After they were settled, Kurt turned to Javi and said, “I’ve been doing all the talking so far, it’s your turn.” “Fair enough, what do you want to know?”

“No, no, no, not again,” Kurt smiled, “tell me whatever you want to.” Javi was not quite prepared for that, so he looked down at the grass for a while, and then looked up at Kurt with that steady, level gaze. It almost felt like a dare. “Dating scares the hell out of me.”

No!!!! I didn’t really say that!!!! Kurt was so taken aback, but he managed to keep it together enough to say, “Well, let’s not be shy! It scares the hell out of me, too. But do you have any better suggestions for how to get to know each other?” and kind of smirked. Suddenly, this whole conversation had taken a pivot off into outer space.

No going back now, Javi’s brain screamed at him. “I guess I should explain and hope it makes sense. My schedule is really not much of a schedule. Sometimes I’m here for weeks or months and sometimes I spend the same amount of time in Mexico City or traveling on tour or going to play at music festivals or wherever. It’s the nature of what I do for a living. Dating is not always conducive to that kind of life. I guess I just wanted you to know some of the pitfalls to having a relationship with me. And maybe it’s too soon, I don’t know, but I’ve spent the last 7 years building my own career outside of Mateo. I’ve tried dating before and it’s not that it never works. It’s that I’m always afraid I’m going to let someone down if the reality of that kind of relationship ends up hurting them.”

He sighed and laced his fingers into Kurt’s, “I don’t like hurting people and I especially don’t like hurting people who wander into my life unexpectedly like you did. I’ll be honest, Kurt, maybe brutally honest, but I like everything about you. I like your honesty. I like your inquisitiveness. Your sensitivity. You’re intelligent and you have a real sense of humor and that’s a big turn-on for me. And to be even more brutally honest, you’re exquisitely, heartbreakingly beautiful, not just handsome, you’re the most physically beautiful man I think I’ve ever met. To put it in abbreviated English, you are hot! In Spanish, eres caliente!” Kurt was hardly breathing. He wasn’t sure he’d ever breath again, but whether he died right here or not, he had to say something, but what? What does a person say to such openness, especially when he knew he felt exactly the same way about Javi with some minor alterations such as I like the fact that we share a love of music, your outspokenness, the fact that you care enough about my feelings to get what may be the most important part of a relationship out in the open instead of waiting 6 months or a year from now to see if it “might” not work. Of course, no matter what they said today, it actually might not work, but at least they’d talked about it.

Kurt unlaced their fingers and took both of Javi’s hands. If this man could be that brave, he could be, too. He may be young, but he was almost sure he’d never really been a child. He didn’t want to hurt or be hurt either, but he knew he honestly wanted to give this a try.

He took a deep breath, looked at Javi and they exchanged the same level gaze, glasz eyes to deep brown, and Kurt said..He stopped for a moment, attempted to speak, and then took another breath. “Javi, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate what you call your brutal honesty. But, it’s not…brutal, I mean. What would be brutal is if you didn’t bother to try to discuss this with me beforehand. So, I’ll be as honest with you as you’ve been with me, I hope. In watching your videos last night, the thought of what your lifestyle might be like and how it could affect a relationship did not escape me. There is not a single thing I don’t like about you, but I know that that is the way relationships usually start out. Watching you last night was sort of….a delicious sort of agony. You have such a beautiful smile that is irresistible. The way you move is so, so sensual. Your eyes…speak is the only way I can say it. And yes, you are definitely, undoubtedly hot in any language!”

Having said that, if you’re willing to take a chance on me, a drama student who really doesn’t know where his life is going, only that’s it’s going somewhere, then I’m willing to do the same for you in your vagabond lifestyle. If we are going to be a “we” of any kind it has to start somewhere. So, here we are. What are you thinking?”

As his eyes softened, he gave Kurt an almost shy smile, showing off that dimple again, and said, “I’m glad you didn’t go straight for the interviews and Wikis..” Then, he leaned over and kissed him on both cheeks and ever so softly on the lips.

CHAPTER 14 – WHAT HAPPENS IN CYBERSPACE STAYS IN CYBERSPACE

As they walked through the door of the diner, a few people waved at Javi and he waved back. There was one person in particular he did want Kurt to meet only because he would be another person to help Kurt and Adam get acclimated to the neighborhood. He turned to Kurt and asked if he’d like to meet Cam and gave him a brief explanation of why he thought they should meet. After the introductions and some small talk, Cam gave Kurt his cell number and invited him and Adam to a get-together the following week. Kurt said he’d check with Adam and look at his work schedule. They thanked him and then found a table. The waiter took their order and brought them their coffee.

“So, how was your Saturday, mi amigo?” and Javi settled in as if he really wanted a detailed account. He wasn’t just making small talk. When Kurt said, “Oh, fine! A little sleep, a little homework….” “Oh, no, no!” Javi laughed and Kurt caught that bit of Latinx accent. “You can do better than that. Really! How was your day?”

“Okay. Actually, it was great! Adam left me all alone and, honestly, it felt good. We’ve only been here a couple months and we really haven’t spent a lot of time apart yet. But….well, I sort of have a confession to make…”

“Please don’t tell me you’re not gay,” Javi said, totally deadpan, “Surely, fate would not be that cruel to me.” Then when he saw Kurt blush, he laughed again and apologized. “I can have a wicked sense of humor, Kurt. Go ahead, tell Father Javier all about it; no, forget I said that. If there’s one thing I certainly DON’T want it’s for you to think of me as a father of any kind, much less a priest!”

By now, Kurt was totally undone and couldn’t help laughing himself, even though he felt unsure of how to tell Javi what he’d done with his evening alone. He decided head-on was the only way to approach this.

“Well, this is the age of instant information, and, I looked you up on the net….I was mostly curious about your music….”

“Oh, Kurt! Is that all? What an unexciting way to spend an evening. People do that all the time. It’s natural to be curious and it doesn’t bother me a bit. So, did you do anything else?” Kurt was absolutely not going to tell him about the showers or his rehashing of the same old Kurt dilemma. Besides, he’d asked what he’d done, not what he hadn’t done.

Kurt said, “No. Honestly? I spent the night watching your videos when you were with Mateo.” Javi liked that…a lot! Kurt wasn’t defending his actions at all, just stating what he’d done, and in one sentence! That never happened! Usually, whomever would spend 5 minutes going on and on about how they shouldn’t have, but blah, blah, blah…

“Okay, so what did you think?” Kurt wanted to say that how watching their performances was mesmerizing, but mostly because he’d been completely focused on Javi himself. He wanted to say how sensual, how passionate, how hot he found his every move. He wanted to ask him to sing him to sleep every night for the rest of his natural life. He wanted to tell him…so much, but of course he wasn’t going to tell him any of that. And as he thought of what to say, his mind reluctantly, but finally, returned from the videos, and he said, “I watched some of the MTV unplugged, and some of your live performances, a few of your official song videos, and sometimes the music made me cry. I didn’t understand but a few words, and still there wasn’t a single video I didn’t like, and I’m not just saying that, it’s the truth. I loved the ballads, the rock, the rap. You were so versatile!”

Javi was speechless. He was expecting, “I loved it!” or “It was really good!” or, “It’s really not my thing, but I still liked some of it.” He hadn’t expected anything but superficial. And for once it was Javi who was a bit frightened, a bit uneasy. No one, well, no guy, had been so expressive, so sincere, so genuine with him since Tonio. He felt like crying himself. He tried to gather his thoughts, then nervously cleared his throat, but all that came out of his mouth was, “Wow…” He cleared his throat again and looked at Kurt, surprised that he had lowered his shield that much. “Thank you…just thank you. But you know Mateo wasn’t just me. We were friends before we were Mateo. And we were closer friends during Mateo. I couldn’t have done any of it without Antonio and Rodrigo. We were…what’s the word….symbiotic?” Now, he wondered why HE wasn’t being more guarded. That whole part of his life was something he rarely talked about because it was so very, very personal, and here he was opening up to a man 13 years younger than him. How could someone of 22 possibly understand what 7 years of living that kind of almost communal existence was like? Especially when he and Tonio had been lovers long before Mateo. In fact, they had known no other lovers before each other.

This time it was Kurt who tried to rescue Javi, “That’s what I meant, Javi. The singing, the lyrics, the way you all seemed to know what the other was thinking or going to do was nothing short of phenomenal, genuine stage presence is what you had. To hold that together for 7 years says so much about all of you.” He stopped there. He knew Antonio was going to be a discussion that would have to wait, just like Blaine would have to be a conversation for the right time and place.

After Javi had recovered a bit and Kurt put down his coffee cup, Javi reached for his hand, but only held his fingers and looked at him for a long moment. The only way he could think of to describe what he saw in Kurt’s eyes was clarity. As fluent as he was in English, like everyone else, sometimes words just failed him.

He placed Kurt’s hand back on the table, but didn’t let go, and neither did Kurt.

CHAPTER 13 – OH! THERE YOU ARE!

Javi looked at the text from Kurt and felt hopeful for the first time in what seemed like forever. Hopeful and exhilarated. He’d only felt like this once since Antonio and it lasted only long enough for Javi to realize the guy wasn’t interested in him as much as he was interested in “Javi” who could maybe further his career. Javier Ramos Ruiz had no place in that chico’s life. Thankfully, that was long ago and far away. He was about 5 minutes away from Kurt’s place, so he texted him to let him know.

It would be interesting to find out what Kurt had discovered on Google and who knows where else online. He knew at least one thing for sure. He wouldn’t have to look far to discover who Tonio had been, and depending on where Kurt had decided to explore, at least one of the many roles he’d played in Javi’s life. He’d try to let Kurt bring up the whole net surfing thing. He didn’t want Kurt to feel like he was as predictable as most others. He always tried to make it sound like it was just a part of being who he was…and, in truth, it was. What he wasn’t ready to discuss was Tonio…not yet. If Kurt was as sensitive as he seemed just from only knowing him for such a short time, he wouldn’t bring Tonio up at all. He knew Kurt had his own heartbreak story. He was too cautious, almost timid, in what seemed to be his dread of letting anyone in. If what he thought of as their tenuous connection made it past brunch, that part of their pasts would be revealed soon enough. The only thing he thought might complicate things is if his roommate knew who he was.

It had happened before. It’s not that the entire world knew who he was, but he had fans of all ages all over the world. If Kurt didn’t already have a short encyclopedia of Javi’s past from the Internet, and Adam or some other student Kurt might know was a fan, they would know the story of Antonio and Javi. He didn’t want Kurt to find out that way. He’d just have to play it by ear as they liked to say in America.

He saw Kurt before Kurt saw him, and Javi was almost startled by what he saw. He hated to sound cliched, even in his own head, but Kurt was so damn gorgeous! Almost beautiful. Looking at him was like studying a piece of art. Even from a half-block away, it was like the entire world just disappeared and the only visible thing of significance was Kurt Hummel.

As he approached him, Kurt suddenly turned around and there was Javi. For Javi, it was like watching a whirlwind of grace and charm in sassy red with a splash of flash. For Kurt, as always, seemingly unaware of the effect he was having on another person, it was like turning and watching what might be his reawakening strolling toward him dressed in fuchsia and black with a hat to match. Javi greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and before Kurt could even think about it, he responded in kind.

CHAPTER 12 – WHAT DO I WEAR

He sent Javi a text, changing his mind about 10 times before getting the wording right. This is ridiculous, he thought, it’s a text telling a guy that yes I’d like to meet him for brunch! I’m not answering a marriage proposal! So true, absolutely, definitely not that! Javi texted back and said since he was walking he’d just meet him in front of his building if that was okay. Of course it was okay! Way better than okay! Kurt, infatuation, remember? Shut up!…just leave me alone!….please. I’m in a bad way, he thought, I’m even trying to be polite to my own thoughts. So, what to wear?

His wardrobe had changed so much over time. The guy who moved to New York from Ohio had gone from hats, lots of hats!, and sometimes loud colors to kind of understated with some flair to the closet full of clothes that stared back at him today. He’d even taken his sewing machine from home when he left and still had it. He still used it sometimes when he had the time. Blue was always a safe bet, but he’d worn a blue shirt last night. Maybe red with a scarf that had some sparkle in it. He liked that idea. He didn’t want to be too casual and go with a T-shirt, not today anyway. Black jeans and boots? The boots with the zipper that went crossways from his ankle to his knee? That would go with the touch of sparkle. If he hadn’t watched those videos he wouldn’t have known that Javi was a literal hat connoisseur. It was all part of his signature look. He didn’t expect Javi to be any more understated in his look than he was last night, so he wasn’t going to intrude on that look by wearing a hat, especially since Kurt hardly ever wore one anymore.

Okay, I think that should do, he thought turning from side to side. He was glad he’d managed to keep his workouts going during the move. This shirt was perfect to show off his biceps. He hadn’t worn the jeans too often and apparently he hadn’t gained or lost any weight because they fit perfectly. That brought to mind Javi’s leather pants and watching him walk away…..back on topic, Kurt! Back to the whole button issue. Really?? I’m obsessing over that stupid button again? Unbuttoned and done. Boots, seemed he rarely went wrong with them. Black leather and zippers, what could be sexier? Wait! It was brunch, just brunch! Who needs to be sexy for brunch? He was pretty sure Javi would be whether he needed to or not….God, I’m losing my mind!

Okay, the hair. He figured it would be safe to wear it like he had last night. No point in changing too much. If Javi liked it last night, he’d like it today. It was its usual unmanageable self, but it looked as good as he was going to get it. At least he had lots of it! He actually had gotten one ear pierced in anticipation of moving to San Diego; a going away gift for himself. He looked at the few earrings he’d collected. Perfect! The one that looked like a small zipper! He looked at his phone, 11:15.

Hmmm…oh! His highlights! Maybe a tiny bit of hair glitter? And maybe some cologne? He knew Javi liked Sauvage or at least he liked to wear it himself. Maybe skip the cologne. If he wore Sauvage again today, he didn’t want them to clash. Despite how nervous he was, it was a good nervous, a happy nervous, even a bit of a scary nervous. And he hadn’t felt this good in a very, very long time.

CHAPTER 11 – HELP I NEED SOMEBODY

When Kurt woke up Sunday morning, he was so very glad he didn’t have to work today, and his homework was light. He had tried to go to sleep around 2 o’clock, but his mind was still stuck in the videos he’d been watching. Actually, stuck probably wasn’t the right word. He hadn’t tried very hard to unstick his mind. He was on sensory overload. He tried all the tricks for insomnia he could think of. None of them worked.

Actually, his problem wasn’t insomnia. A cold shower sort of helped; then, he tried a warm shower. After pacing for five minutes or so, he sat down at the kitchen table and called on one of his many alter egos, Commonsense Kurt. Why did he give himself these silly names anyway? Well, because it makes sense! It’s consistent, well-organized, sometimes insightful, and most importantly, it kept him sane.

Probably not another man in the world would sit down and give this dilemma a second thought, or even a first one! For most NORMAL men the solution was easy. All it required was one of your hands and baby oil or whatever. Now didn’t that make it sound oh so clinical. He had faced this dilemma ever since the first time he and Blaine had discussed “going south of the border” as Kurt remembered describing sex. For whatever ridiculous reason, and he really wished it seeming ridiculous would solve the issue, he never forgot Blaine’s response. He’d said it almost as if it didn’t really matter at all, “That’s what masturbation is for.

Really, Blaine? To you there was no difference between simply solving the immediate concern and making love? He never told Blaine that his saying that was certainly the ultimate turnoff that night. He really did know what Blaine meant, but for whatever reason it had never been that simple for Kurt. It wasn’t just a simple physical desire to be satisfied in any way that happened to present itself in the moment. It was the same way with one-night stands. He’d tried it once in the time between his breakup with Blaine and moving to California. As far as he was concerned it was about as much fun as….well, it wasn’t fun! That was the problem. Sometimes he really wondered if he was the only man, gay or otherwise, who wanted to actually have feelings for someone they were being so intimate with. Not that it mattered. He was who he was.

So, basically he was saving himself again. First, for Blaine, and now for a person he’d known less than 24 hours? No, it wasn’t that. Well, maybe a bit….It sounded totally insane, but getting off on just “getting off” wasn’t any more fun than a one-nighter! And it wasn’t that he thought there was anything wrong with it. It wasn’t dirty or disgusting. In fact, it obviously felt very good. It just wasn’t special. It didn’t make him feel wanted or loved or euphoric or even content and that’s what he really wanted.

There! Commonsense Kurt had definitely taken care of that! Nothing like talking to yourself to provide the ultimate buzz kill. Okay, let’s try this sleep thing again. He laid back down and decided to listen to some of the music he’d downloaded after listening to Mateo. He didn’t know why he thought that would help, but apparently it did. The next thing he knew it was morning and what looked like a beautiful one at that!

He’d shut his phone off, so he checked to see if he had any texts. Adam – at least he could always count on Adam to be considerate. He was going to spend the day with Ethan and probably be home by 6 or so. Maybe Ethan was turning into something more than one night for Adam. And, yes, one from Javi! He’d texted at what looked like about the time he quit playing last night. He wanted to meet him for brunch at After the Bars Close at about 11:30. He even texted, “if you’re available and interested.” Was this guy for real? Were there really people, and specifically guys, out there who cared if he was available and interested? It would appear there might be at least one and one was all he needed or wanted.