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DESEO A UNA ESTRELLA DE NAVIDAD

Javi se despertó sobresaltado, apoyándose en los codos, moviendo sus ojos salvajemente alrededor de la penumbra. Acariciando la suavidad de la cobija bajo su mano, finalmente se dio cuenta de que había despertado en la seguridad de su propio dormitorio. Todavía era la mitad de la noche; tenía un sentido innato del tiempo al igual que algunas personas tenían un sentido innato de la dirección. Sabía que eran alrededor de las 2 a.m. Todavía faltaban muchas horas para que tuviera que levantarse.

Dándose la vuelta sobre su lado izquierdo y acomodándose en la calidez de sus sábanas y almohadas esponjosas, en realidad no podía ver las estrellas que cubrían el cielo negro aterciopelado a través de la ventana de su habitación, pero sabía que estaban allí y podía imaginar su brillo lejano en el cielo. . Al igual que sus sueños que nadie más que él y su amigo más cercano, Emilio, pudieron ver como realidad. La mayoría de las personas, amigos y familiares por igual, parecían tolerar sus palabras cuando trataba de hablar seriamente sobre sus sueños. Pero eso no significaba que no existieran en algún lugar en un futuro aún desconocido… o que no pudieran o no se hicieran realidad.

Volviendo sus pensamientos al presente, pudo sentir que sus labios se curvaban en una sonrisa satisfecha. Era la temporada navideña y amaba la Navidad como no amaba ninguna otra fiesta en el calendario. Fue una época en la que la ciudad junto al mar cobró vida con colores vivos, esplendor espectacular y música, a veces reverente, a veces estridente, ¡pero siempre alegre! Las calles se llenaron de multitudes de personas disfrazadas que se preparaban para la centenaria celebración de la llegada del Niño Jesús.

Y duró la mayor parte de diciembre y principios de enero. Le encantaba la santidad de la fiesta y la forma en que se celebraba en la iglesia. A veces se sentía como si el mundo entero se detuviera y el amor de Dios mismo se sintiera con mayor intensidad, allí mismo, en ese salón -santuario lo llamaban- donde los fieles se reunían para cantar himnos y villancicos, alabando a Dios por su bondad, regocijándose en el regalo más grande jamás dado a la humanidad: Jesús, la única fuente de sus vidas y su salvación.

Pero sus ambiciones eran lo que sus compañeros miembros de la iglesia, y especialmente su madre y su padre, llamarían seculares. Desde que tenía memoria, Javi se había sentido desconcertado por esta peculiar distinción entre “sagrado” y “secular”. Si Dios creó el mundo, ¡el universo realmente! no importa cuán defectuoso pareciera a menudo, ¿no era sagrado? ¿No tenía todo, incluso las peores cosas que podía imaginar, al menos una pequeña chispa de lo sagrado? Y creía que donde existía esa chispa, podía convertirse en una llama, encendida por el propio corazón de Dios, con la posibilidad de volverse total y completamente sagrada con el tiempo.

¡Y sobre todo música! ¡Dijeron que el tipo de música que anhelaba hacer no tenía ningún valor espiritual! En esto, sabía que estaban más que equivocados; cada nota que cantó, cada letra que escribió se originó en lo más profundo de su alma. Pero, no tenía respuestas para sus preguntas. Preguntas que probablemente se habían hecho desde tiempos inmemoriales. Sin embargo, no creyó ni por un solo minuto que sus sueños, su música, sus deseos fueran otra cosa que Dios. No eran absolutamente seculares si tal cosa existiera.

Lo llamaron soñador, como si hubiera algo intrínsecamente malo en ello. Dijeron que estaba perdiendo el tiempo con la cabeza en las nubes. Y sí, él sería el primero en admitir que era, de hecho, un soñador, ¡por supuesto que lo era! ¡Una vida sin sueños no era ningún tipo de vida en absoluto! Sus pasiones eran lo que lo mantenía vivo y lo que alimentaba su presente mientras esperaba dar el paso inevitable hacia su futuro, ese lugar donde convergían su vida y su destino, la chispa dada por Dios convirtiéndose en un fuego rugiente. ¡Él consumiría al mundo con su música!

Este año sus sueños navideños lo llevaron a los Estados Unidos. No preguntó por qué; simplemente agregó los sueños a la caja que guardaba escondida en su armario, anodino, para que nadie supiera que había algo importante dentro. La caja estaba llena de cuadernos escritos a mano y adornos que había coleccionado a lo largo de los años. Algunas de sus reflexiones escritas podrían convertirse en letras de canciones. Es posible que parte del contenido de la caja solo esté allí para que pueda mirar hacia atrás y ver dónde había estado, permitiéndole ver qué tan lejos había llegado y cuánto le quedaba por recorrer. Y Javi aún no lo sabía, pero el contenido de esa caja alimentaría su determinación algún día… esos días en que estaba tan desanimado que querría darse por vencido, cuando todas sus conversaciones con el mar le parecerían nada más que sus propias imaginaciones, como si en realidad nunca hubieran sucedido, esta simple caja marrón lo salvaría.

En México, o al menos en su parte de México, Santa Claus no era parte de sus celebraciones o sus tradiciones… y por supuesto, el duende imaginario ciertamente no era sagrado según sus padres. Y Javi sabía que era demasiado mayor para creer que Papá Noel era una persona real. Pero en los EE. UU., Papá Noel parecía ser el símbolo más destacado de la Navidad. Y los Estados Unidos serían una parte de él algún día. ¡Una deliciosa pieza de su futuro! Amaba a México con todo su corazón, pero no planeaba limitar su futuro a sus fronteras. Iba a ser una estrella, no solo en este pequeño rincón del mundo, sino en todos los rincones del mundo. No importa cuán grande o pequeño sea… ¡sabrían su nombre!

¡En los Estados Unidos decoraron enormes pinos con todo tipo de adornos y cadenas de luces brillantes! Podía imaginarse a toda la gente en las iglesias vistiendo sus mejores galas, cantando afinados y desafinados. Las personas a las que llamaban villancicos iban de puerta en puerta llenando el aire frío de la noche dando serenatas a vecinos y extraños por igual. A veces eran canciones con nombres como O Holy Night y otras veces eran canciones como Santa Claus is Coming to Town o I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Javi sonrió en la oscuridad ante eso. Nunca había visto una Navidad blanca más de lo que había visto a Santa Claus.

Pero lo que realmente le gustaba mirar en los libros que leía sobre las Navidades estadounidenses eran todos los regalos alegremente envueltos y, a veces, llamativamente bajo los árboles decorados. Solo podía imaginar lo que podría haber dentro de esas bonitas cajas y bolsas… y en sus sueños cada regalo era para él y contenía todo lo que alguna vez necesitaría o desearía para convertirse en una estrella, casi como si la estrella que estaba en lo alto de ese árbol lo representara a él. .

Y tal vez los regalos representaban lo que necesitaría para llegar a ese lugar en la cima. Tal vez su propio micrófono estaba en una de esas cajas, uno que nunca tendría que compartir con nadie como lo hizo con sus hermanos. ¡O muchos conjuntos elegantes en rojo y negro, sus colores favoritos! O un diccionario inglés-español porque tendría que aprender a hablar el idioma, ¿no? ¡Y tal vez un maestro que lo acompañe! Se cubrió los labios mientras trataba de no reírse demasiado fuerte. ¿Qué tipo de maestro sería lo suficientemente pequeño como para caber en una caja?

Y tal vez todas esas decoraciones representaban algunos de los puntos de apoyo que tendría que usar para escalar su camino hacia la altura de la fama que lo esperaba. Ni una sola vez se detuvo a pensar que algunos de los pasos que tendría que dar podrían ser aburridos, feos o difíciles, o que su “árbol” de la vida real soportaría cualquier cosa menos un ascenso suave sin agujeros entre las ramas donde alguien se había olvidado de colocar un adorno. A pesar de que el mar le había hablado de las pruebas y tribulaciones con las que podría tener que luchar para alcanzar su objetivo, rara vez pensaba en eso, y menos en Navidad.

Al igual que en México, la Navidad en los EE. UU. representó un momento de júbilo, un respiro de la vida ordinaria y mundana que la mayoría vivía. Y para él, una época en la que casi podía olvidar que cuanto más envejecía, más difícil se volvía la vida y más impaciente estaba por irse.

Suspiró, guardando sus deseos navideños en su corazón. Podía sentir sus párpados cada vez más pesados, los restos de la pesadilla que lo había despertado casi habían desaparecido. Mirando por última vez por la ventana, cerró los ojos y susurró una canción infantil que había aprendido hacía mucho tiempo. No era algo que hubiera aprendido de su mamá o papá. De hecho, en realidad no podía recordar dónde lo había aprendido, pero le gustaba recitarlo antes de irse a dormir. La mayoría negaría con la cabeza, como de costumbre, y diría que era el soñador tonto en él, pero no le importaba. Dios hizo las estrellas, ¿verdad? Entonces, ¿qué podría doler desear a uno? Tal vez las estrellas fueron solo otro regalo de Navidad que nadie reconoció.

Luz de estrella, estrella brillante,
Primera estrella que veo esta noche,
Ojalá pudiera, ojalá pudiera,
Ten el deseo que deseo esta noche.

Respirando el silencio y los aromas y sonidos familiares a su alrededor, se volvió a dormir, su mente llena de árboles de Navidad girando entrelazados con recuerdos de las celebraciones pasadas de La Rama y esperando con ansias la celebración de este año, sabiendo que seguramente no sería en los Estados Unidos esta Navidad… pero pronto.

Podía sentir la arena húmeda y arenosa entre los dedos de los pies y las olas espumosas que perseguían sus pies por la orilla. Hizo una pausa, inhalando una profunda bocanada de aire marino, tan familiar, tan reconfortante. Él extrañaría esto, lo sabía, pero por ahora aquí estaba esperando que su amiga y musa, el mar, hablara con él hoy. Decidió dejarse caer en la arena para variar, tal vez construir un castillo de arena, una especie de manifestación física de sus sueños, como lo hacía cuando era niño. Al menos por hoy, estaba libre de la mayoría de las tareas diarias porque su mamá y sus hermanos menores estaban visitando a su tía por el día… o al menos eso pensaba. ¿Por qué no estaba seguro? Sus ojos recorrieron rápidamente su entorno mientras cruzaba las piernas y se sentaba, alcanzando distraídamente un puñado de arena, que parecía convertirse en algo frío y blanco y luego desaparecer. Desconcertado, recogió otro montón de arena y la apretó firmemente entre sus palmas, solo para sentir que se disolvía en un charco de agua fría que goteaba entre sus dedos. ¿Donde estuvo el?

Se dio la vuelta esperando ver el aumento familiar de las dunas detrás de él, pero en su lugar había lo que parecían edificios altos de un kilómetro de altura… ¿y por qué estaba toda esta gente aquí? En esta época del año por lo general tenía la playa para él solo. Un par de niños corrieron frente a él y trató de preguntarles dónde estaba, pero fue como si ni siquiera lo vieran o escucharan. ¡No! ¿Era esta otra pesadilla con la esperanza de interrumpir su sueño otra vez?

Sin embargo, no se sentía como una pesadilla… de hecho, se sentía bastante tranquilo… y a pesar de todos los bañistas y nadadores, no escuchó a nadie hablar en absoluto, incluso con el juego de lo que parecía voleibol de playa que se desarrollaba no muy lejos de donde él estaba sentado. Estaba acostumbrándose a esta sensación extraña, pero no desagradable, cuando escuchó un fuerte chapoteo y sintió las olas golpear sus dedos de los pies. Tragó saliva, sin saber si asustarse o tranquilizarse. Inconscientemente comenzó a alejarse de las olas mirando detrás de él a los edificios, apenas poniéndose de pie para correr cuando se detuvo. Este era el mar, su amigo… su confidente… no un monstruo en un mal sueño. Alejándose de los edificios, volvió a girar la cabeza para mirar la extensión de las olas cambiantes.

Parpadeó para aclarar su visión y plantó sus manos en la arena detrás de él para estabilizarse, parpadeó de nuevo. No estaba asustado… todavía… se dijo a sí mismo, ¡pero ciertamente estaba asombrado! Surgiendo de las profundidades del mar justo en frente de él había un ángel, pero no el tipo de ángel que había visto tantas veces en imágenes o estatuas… este ángel era masculino… la única razón por la que estaba seguro de que era hasta un ángel fue por las alas….¿y él? ¿eso? ¡Estaba vestido con un traje rojo y blanco como el que usaría Santa Claus, completo con un gorro de media, un cinturón negro y botas! Apresuradamente miró a su alrededor de nuevo, esperando encontrar a alguien más con quien compartir esta inexplicable experiencia, pero, de nuevo… nadie pareció notarlo… ni Javi ni el ángel vestido de forma poco convencional.

“Javi”, dijo el ángel Santa con voz profunda, haciéndole señas para que caminara hacia él, “no tengas miedo, amigo, estoy aquí para cumplir tus deseos… espero… o al menos eso era lo que estaba”. dicho. ¡Correcto! Olvidé que no puedes caminar sobre el agua. Lo siento, amigo. El ángel terminó su disculpa mientras caminaba sobre el agua como si no existiera. “¿Por qué estás vestido así?” preguntó Javi antes de pensar, a lo que el ángel respondió: “¡Ho! ¡Ho! ¡Ho! ¿No esperabas a Papá Noel? Aquí, ¿qué tal esto entonces? Papá Noel no tiene mucha ropa de playa…” y mientras el ángel hablaba, el traje de Papá Noel se desvaneció como si nunca hubiera existido solo para ser reemplazado por un ángel musculoso y musculoso con rasgos faciales bien cincelados que vestía viejos jeans azules y una camisa de rejilla negra sin mangas. ¡Javi no pudo evitar reírse! Se parecía a algunos de los muchos atuendos con los que había soñado usar una vez que fuera una estrella que cubrían el marco musculoso que solo podía desear… bueno, al menos en este momento de todos modos. Juró en ese momento que algún día reemplazaría su yo flacucho con un cuerpo como el que tenía el ángel.

“¡Vaya! ¡Así que los reconoces, ya veo!” Javi no tenía ni idea de lo que supuestamente había reconocido. “¡La ropa y el cuerpo!” el ángel se rió entre dientes, girando en círculos para mostrar su atuendo y, por supuesto, su cuerpo. Javi aún no lo entendía….solo podía soñar con…..oh! estaba soñando! ¡Por supuesto! “¡Ven, mi joven amigo!” el ángel gritó con entusiasmo: “¡Déjame mostrarte lo que podría ser tu primer vistazo del gran momento!” sonrió, agarrando la mano de Javi. Bueno, ciertamente era un ángel muy feliz, pensó Javi, y esa sonrisa… era como ver salir el sol… lo había visto antes… le resultaba tan familiar.

Javi no sabía si hablar o callar. Todos los demás a su alrededor no parecían verlos a ninguno de ellos, pero “¿Dónde estamos?” exclamó Javi. “¿Qué? ¿No reconoces otra ciudad junto al mar? Lo has visto muchas veces en imágenes… pero quizás nunca lo hayas soñado… específicamente eso es. Estás en los viejos Estados Unidos, Miami, Florida, para ser exactos… ¡La Ciudad Mágica! ¡La puerta de entrada a las Américas!” Javi lo escuchaba balbucear como una especie de guía turístico. Pero Javi parecía confundido y no escapó a la atención del ángel… “um, si no te gusta, siempre puedo cambiar el lugar. Después de todo, tus deseos y sueños te han conquistado por todas partes. Incluso podemos cambiar de país… ¿Brasil, tal vez? Aunque su deseo más reciente FUE para los EE. UU.…” su voz se apagó, esperando una respuesta.

“¡No! ¡No, Miami está bien, es genial!”. ¡Ay dios mío! ¡Estaba en los Estados Unidos! Miami? ¿Nueva York? ¿California? ¿A quién le importaba? “¡Oh Dios!” el ángel pareció aliviado, “Esperaba que no quisieras ver Indiana o Dakota del Norte o… especialmente Dakota del Norte… hace más frío que…” iba a decir “infierno”, pero considerando el escenario no fue así. Parecía apropiado… y el ángel se dio cuenta de que estaba balbuceando de nuevo justo a tiempo para que Javi le preguntara: “Entonces, ¿tienes un nombre?” No sabía mucho acerca de los ángeles, a excepción de los de la Biblia, y la mayoría de ellos eran mujeres. “¡Bueno, por supuesto que tengo un nombre!” el ángel respondió: “En realidad, tengo muchos nombres, pero para nuestros propósitos, ¿por qué no me llamas simplemente Jack? Ese es un bonito nombre americano”, se rió de nuevo.

Javi sacudió la cabeza como para despejarse. “Ahora, ¿por dónde empezamos, Javi?” el ángel se frotó las manos como anticipando una maravillosa sorpresa. “¿Qué tal aquí?”, Dijo mientras chasqueaba los dedos. Y de repente estaban parados en el lúgubre pasillo de un viejo edificio de apartamentos que necesitaba pintura, mucha pintura. Hmmmm… esto no fue exactamente una sorpresa maravillosa en lo que a Jack se refiere… pero era el sueño de Javi, no el de Jack… Jack hizo sonar un juego de llaves para abrir la puerta chirriante y lo siguiente que Javi supo fue que estaban parados en lo que parecía ser el interior de uno de los apartamentos. Era monótono y destartalado y parecía como si un grupo de chicos pudieran vivir juntos allí. Olía un poco a humedad… pero había un pequeño árbol de Navidad en una esquina que parecía como si alguien realmente hubiera intentado, pero realmente fallado, hacer que el lugar se viera festivo. Y el pobre árbol parecía que no había visto una gota de agua… nunca. De alguna manera le recordaba de dónde venía, excepto que su mamá lo hacía sentir como un hogar y nunca trataría a una planta de la casa de esa manera. Esto no se sentía como nada más que un lugar para dormir entre el trabajo… o lo que sea que hicieras en Miami.

“Pareces un poco decepcionado, quiero decir, sí, no parece mucho, lo sé, pero los sueños no siempre se hacen realidad de inmediato. ¡Deberías saberlo mejor que nadie! Has estado soñando con este lugar durante años… bueno, tal vez no este lugar específicamente”, admitió, notando las telarañas en las esquinas de la habitación, “pero… los Estados Unidos, ¿sí?” Javi no sabía qué decir, así que simplemente asintió y preguntó si podía caminar, echar un vistazo… “¡Por ​​supuesto! Tu habitación es…” señaló una habitación sin puerta a unos dos pasos de distancia, y Javi se asomó por la pared solo para encontrar un colchón en el suelo que obviamente había visto días mejores y un par de almohadas. Suspiró, al menos las habitaciones estaban limpias… supuso.

El ángel se sentía un poco triste por Javi y se esforzaba por no demostrarlo, pero no era el trabajo de Jack conceder deseos necesariamente. Por lo general, ese era el trabajo de Randy, pero lo llamaron en el último segundo en una misión de deseo de emergencia, y le pidieron a Jack que interviniera porque necesitaba la experiencia… en la presentación de concesión de deseos, eso es. Tal vez había sido un poco engañoso sobre esa parte. El trabajo de Jack era mostrarle a Javi dónde podrían comenzar sus sueños… y tal vez dónde podrían terminar. Nada de eso fue decisión suya. En ese sentido, Destiny tenía sus propias ideas y planes de los que no estaba al tanto.

“Seguimos adelante”, dijo Jack, aclarándose la garganta, con la esperanza de que tal vez la siguiente parada fuera un poco más del agrado de Javi. Revoloteando sus alas, tomó la mano de Javi entre las suyas nuevamente. Javi apenas había pestañeado… y estaban de nuevo en la acera. El edificio no se veía tan mal como lo recordaba desde el exterior, pero tal vez eso se debió al regreso del aire fresco y la luz del sol que tanto necesitaba. Tenía la esperanza ferviente de que si esto era parte de su destino, sería solo por un corto tiempo… en realidad, muy poco tiempo. Trató de recordar lo que había estado leyendo acerca de que todo en la vida es una experiencia de aprendizaje para el bien… lo estaba intentando, pero no lo estaba logrando muy bien en este momento.

Las cavilaciones de Javi se vieron interrumpidas cuando se dio cuenta de que ahora estaban en otra acera. ¡Aparentemente, esta aventura no se trataba de pasar mucho tiempo en la playa! pensó para sí mismo, tratando de restarle importancia a la situación.

Pero esta acera parecía estar en peor estado que la que acababan de dejar, agrietada y rota, con suciedad, botellas rotas y latas de cerveza vacías esparcidas por todas partes. Levantando los ojos del suelo, esperaba que este edificio se viera mejor que su entorno.

El establecimiento parecía ser una cantina grande, pero poco atractiva, y por lo que podían escuchar desde afuera, muy ruidosa, y de repente a Javi se le ocurrió que el atardecer se había vuelto oscuro… pero no podía ver las estrellas, demasiadas luces de la ciudad.

“¿Listo?” preguntó Jack, esperando que realmente lo fuera. Sin embargo, esto tampoco parecía muy prometedor y, para empeorar las cosas, ¡se llamaba Jack’s Place! Esperaba que Javi no se hubiera dado cuenta. Tal vez necesitaba ver si había algún trabajo disponible que a veces no fuera tan decepcionante. A nadie le gustó ver este lado de sus sueños, pero era necesario… porque si no podían manejar este lado de sus sueños, entonces nunca llegarían a la cima de sus sueños… pero nadie alguna vez quise escuchar esa parte. Incluso los que se creían preparados, como Javi. Sí, Javi escuchaba al mar, pero interiorizar y abrazar lo que le decía el mar era otra cosa.

Bueno, ¡al menos el lugar estaba alegremente decorado por dentro! Se parecía mucho a gran parte de México, las paredes pintadas en colores primarios vivos y brillantes, absolutamente nada como el departamento que acababan de dejar. Javi no sabía qué pensar. Nunca, nunca había estado en una cantina. Estaba a años de cumplir los 18, aunque a menudo deseaba que esos años pasaran solo para poder estar… ¿aquí? Hmmm… aquí… ¿es esto lo que realmente estaba esperando? Respiró hondo, inhalando el humo del tabaco de segunda mano y lo que supuso que era el olor a cerveza rancia. ¡Ciertamente no fue muy inspirador!

Jack exclamó: “¡Genial, es viernes por la noche! ¡Parece una gran multitud! Ya sabes, Javi…”. Jack se inclinó como para confiarle un secreto a Javi, pero luego se detuvo. Decirle que la mayoría de las noches de la semana no eran nada como esto, sino que estaban muertas como un clavo de la puerta, no lo alentaría en absoluto, “um, ¿tal vez deberíamos tomar asiento?”

Javi miró a su alrededor de nuevo. Era obvio que una banda estaba tocando esta noche. Todo estaba montado en el diminuto escenario… el diminuto escenario. Y Javi quería estar cerca de la banda. Hasta ahora, eso era lo único que realmente le interesaba en esta habitación llena de estridencias. Jack le pidió un trago y a nadie parecía importarle que pudiera no tener 18 años, ¡pero lo que sea que Jack pidiera sabía horrible! Él preguntó: “¿No vas a beber algo?” Jack se rió entre dientes: “¡Oh, los ángeles no beben, no es necesario que lo hagamos! ¿Qué tal esa cerveza? preguntó como si fuera perfectamente normal que Javi bebiera alcohol. “Bien, supongo,” murmuró, no queriendo insultarlo… ¡y además era un sueño! Con suerte, nunca tendría que beberlo en el mundo real.

La banda llegó justo a tiempo, a las 10:00 en punto, se tomó unos minutos para afinar y comenzó el set con un poco de rock alborotador. ¡Al principio, Javi estaba emocionado! No podía escuchar bandas en vivo como esta en casa. Los veía en la televisión cada vez que tenía la oportunidad, pero la mayor parte de la música en vivo a la que estaba expuesto era en la iglesia. ¡Este fue un gran ejemplo del tipo de música que anhelaba crear! Pero luego, después de unos 45 minutos, miró a su alrededor y se dio cuenta de que casi nadie estaba prestando atención. Y los aplausos fueron escasos, si no inexistentes. ¡Los chicos de la banda no parecían ni la mitad de molestos que Javi! En realidad, no parecían molestos en absoluto. Después de un breve descanso, tomándose el tiempo para reponer lo que estaban bebiendo, continuaron justo donde lo habían dejado, a veces aceptando solicitudes… ¡pero incluso entonces casi nadie parecía darse cuenta!

¡Estos muchachos cantaban y tocaban con todo su corazón y a nadie parecía importarle! De acuerdo, un par de personas se levantaban y bailaban con las canciones que habían pedido, pero por lo demás, era como si la banda fuera casi invisible… ¿tal vez lo eran? Fue un sueño… ¿no? Se volvió hacia Jack como si pudiera leer la mente de Javi y tuviera la respuesta a la falta de atención de la multitud. Jack estaba tamborileando con los dedos al ritmo de la música, pero cuando vio la mirada perpleja de Javi, simplemente se encogió de hombros. ¡Después de todo, él tampoco lo entendió! ¡Estos chicos eran buenos! Otro inconveniente de su trabajo… pero no podía explicar lo que no entendía… y no podían irse. Su asignación decía específicamente que tenían que quedarse hasta que cerrara el bar.

Javi no parecía estar disfrutando mucho de su cerveza y Jack le preguntó si quería algo más. La cerveza obviamente estaba tibia ahora. “Sí, un vaso de agua”, respondió bastante abatido. Al regresar con el agua de Javi, Jack se dio cuenta de que ¡este desastre casi había terminado! ¡Gracias a Dios en el cielo, fue el último set! Tomando un trago de agua para quitarse el sabor a cerveza caliente, Javi siguió mirando sintiéndose más enojado y triste con cada canción que tocaban. ¿Y ahora? ¿Ahora que la mitad de la multitud obviamente estaba borracha? ¡Ahora se levantaban para bailar con un puñado de aplausos!

Cuando Jack escuchó, “última llamada”, miró a Javi, “¿Listo para ir, niño?” preguntó. Javi parecía casi agradecido, como si hubiera estado listo hace dos sets y medio. Le preguntó a Jack si tenía dinero en efectivo. Obviamente estaba pagando las bebidas de Javi con algo. Jack no tuvo que preguntar para qué lo quería Javi. Le entregó $5, más dinero del que jamás había visto Javi. Javi se acercó al tarro de propinas de la banda y dejó caer los $ 5. Quería hacerles preguntas como, “¿siempre es así?” o “¿Cuánto tiempo has estado haciendo esto?” pero no lo hizo. El guitarrista que parecía cansado lo miró a los ojos y sonrió, dándole un pulgar hacia arriba, como si Javi necesitara el estímulo más que él.

“¿Cuál es la próxima parada?” preguntó Javi, no muy seguro de querer que hubiera uno. Hasta ahora, los EE. UU., incluso en Navidad, no parecían ser nada como él imaginaba. Claro, había edificios decorados, por dentro y por fuera. Pero, se recordó a sí mismo, todo lo que había visto hasta ahora era un edificio de apartamentos donde supuestamente vivía, una cantina bastante anodina y deprimente y el Océano Atlántico. “Sabes, Javi, las cosas buenas vienen de a tres, ¿no?” Javi asintió, esperando que el dicho fuera realmente cierto. Si las cosas buenas venían de tres en tres, entonces esto… fuera lo que fuera… ¿solo podía mejorar? Y los dos últimos escenarios no eran exactamente lo que él llamaría buenos, pero…

Jack esperaba que la siguiente parada fuera tal vez más alentadora. ¡Si empeorara, definitivamente tendría que buscar trabajo en una nube diferente! Sin embargo, una cosa era segura: ¡nunca volvería a ocupar el lugar de Randy! Si esto era realmente lo que se esperaba de él, ¡no era mucho mejor que el trabajo habitual de Jack!

Bien, ¡suficiente de esto! A… miró las instrucciones que le habían dado. Hmmmm… ahora esto podría ser un poco más como Javi esperaba que comenzara su carrera… más o menos. Según el currículum de destino de Javi, era cantante y compositor. No tocaba ningún instrumento. Su voz era su único instrumento. Pero… Jack sonrió mientras seguía leyendo… ¡Parecía que los rasgos de personalidad de Javi estaban fuera de las listas sísmicas! Javi aún no lo sabía, ¡pero era capaz de convertir lo negativo en positivo mejor que casi todas las personas de este loco planeta! ¡Tanto por delante de él! Vaya, su carisma y apariencia… Jack se maravilló… pero tendría que convertirse en eso y mucho más. Supongo que debería haber leído esto antes, pensó Jack, pero Randy había ido y venido antes de que tuviera la oportunidad…

“¡Abre los ojos, Javi!” ¡Javi ni siquiera se había dado cuenta de que los había cerrado! Pero abrió su ojo izquierdo, medio asustado de lo que pudiera ver.

¡Guau! ¡Simplemente guau! Javi pensó mientras abría ambos ojos, ¿dónde estaban? Había visto fotos como esta… ¿el oeste de los Estados Unidos? (supuso). ¡Aunque todavía estaba soñando! ¡Quizás Jack había decidido llevarlo a un país completamente diferente! Jack se rió como si supiera exactamente lo que estaba pensando Javi. “Sigue siendo Estados Unidos, Javi….a solo un par de miles de kilómetros de Miami….¡y mira!”. Dijo señalando un cartel que decía Anfiteatro Red Rocks. ¡Por supuesto! Había visto muchas fotos y leído sobre las bandas que tocaban aquí… ¡y luego se dio cuenta de que podía leer en inglés!

Esto parecía mucho más prometedor que todo lo que había visto en Miami, incluso el Océano Atlántico… aunque aquí hacía un poco de frío. Tratando de ignorar la piel de gallina en sus brazos, notó que estaban mirando los asientos del anfiteatro desde el escenario. Sintió el calor de un brazo alrededor de su hombro… “¡Emilio!” gritó, pero Emilio parecía no darse cuenta, como si Javi y Jack no existieran. ¡Empezaba a preguntarse si existían! “¿Qué está haciendo él aquí?” Javi le susurró a Jack. Jack señaló una etiqueta que colgaba del bolsillo de la camisa de Emilio. Sobre el nombre y la foto de Emilio había una sola palabra, “Gerente”.

¿Qué? Todas las veces que habían hablado de que Emilio era el mánager de Javi… y Javi no estaba seguro de que alguna vez se lo hubiera tomado en serio. Quería que todos creyeran en sus sueños, pero ¿realmente nunca había creído en los sueños de Emilio? Pero antes de que pudiera decir nada, Emilio había desaparecido.

¿Qué fue lo siguiente? el se preguntó. Javi volvió su atención a la perorata de Jack con su voz de guía turístico, preguntándose qué se había perdido.

“¡Sí! Casi 10.000 asientos, Javi… ¡y están esperando a que se llenen de fans!”. Jack hizo un gesto grandilocuente hacia los asientos aún vacíos. “¿Tengo 10,000 fanáticos?” Javi chilló. “Bueno, no TÚ exactamente…” Jack trató de retroceder, “Quiero decir, no eres la estrella… todavía no… eres solo el acto de apertura”, deseando no haber enfatizado la palabra “solo”. “Estás abriendo para Magneto… bueno, en realidad eres uno de los teloneros…”

Javi lo interrumpió, “¿Magneto? ¿Estoy abriendo para Magneto? ¡Para Javi eso fue casi tan emocionante como ser el acto de apertura! O uno de ellos de todos modos. Jack había dejado de hablar y miraba el cielo con inquietud. Había comenzado a ponerse gris… ¡Por favor, no! No una tormenta. ¡Este fue uno de los peores sueños de los que jamás se le había encomendado ser parte! Pero Javi parecía totalmente inconsciente de ello… y tal vez simplemente pasaría. No parecía tan amenazante… todavía no de todos modos. Quizá pudiera sacar a Javi del escenario antes de que se diera cuenta. Alcanzó la mano temblorosa de Javi y chasqueó en silencio los dedos de su mano derecha.

La escena cambió de nuevo cuando Javi se encontró en lo que supuso que era el vestidor más genial que jamás había visto, ¡construido justo en las polvorientas rocas rojas! Por supuesto, los únicos vestidores que había visto estaban en la iglesia de su casa, pero aun así… y luego se vio en el espejo de cuerpo entero pegado a la parte trasera de la puerta. “Jacobo….” él jadeó, “¿Dónde están estos… estos…” “¡Oh! ¿La ropa?” “¡Y el sombrero!”, susurró Javi. ¡Nunca había usado un sombrero como este en toda su vida! “Bueno, no podrías salir en pijama ahora, ¿verdad?” Y entonces Javi se dio cuenta de que la ropa de Jack también había cambiado. La red negra había desaparecido junto con los jeans desteñidos, ¡pero no estaba vestido como Javi! Javi se reía de sí mismo mientras miraba de un lado a otro su atuendo. ¡Se sentía como un pavo real! ¡Y le encantó! Una chaqueta de cuero roja con cremalleras brillantes sobre una camisa negra carbón y un par de pantalones de cuero ajustados con botines a juego. Pero el sombrero era su parte favorita. ¿Quién sabía que podía verse tan bien con un sombrero? ¡Ciertamente nunca podría vestirse así en casa!

Y luego, de repente, escuchó el estallido de un trueno… pero él estaba afuera… el camerino se había desvanecido… no estaba lloviendo… ¿por qué las cosas se movían tan rápido?… Jack sintió su miedo y trató de calmar las cosas. abajo. Ahí….eso fue un poco mejor.

Javi estaba en el escenario y podía sentir la conmoción a su alrededor. Estaban haciendo pruebas de sonido… y alguien lo llamaba por su nombre. ¡El guitarrista de la banda en la cantina! ¡Era su voz! Javi sostenía un micrófono en la mano, ¿de dónde había salido eso? – estaba cantando, pero no podía oír su voz. Sin embargo, estaba armonizando con alguien… y escuchó el débil sonido del piano. Y había gente en el anfiteatro. A veces diez, a veces mil y luego tal vez cinco mil… y luego se habían ido… pero aún podía escuchar los aplausos a veces… y voces desafinadas cantando letras que aparentemente les eran familiares. ¿Conocían sus canciones? Siguió tratando de ver quién estaba en el escenario con él, pero todo lo que podía distinguir era su ropa… o sus voces a veces… y luego estaban haciendo una reverencia… alguien tenía un brazo alrededor de su hombro otra vez, pero no era t Emilio……¿dónde estaba Jack? Quería contarle todo sobre esto… pero ¿no debería Jack ya saberlo?…

“¡Javi!” Volvió a escuchar su nombre. No era el guitarrista… y no era quienquiera que haya estado armonizando… tenía que ser Jack. Pero la criatura que apareció ante él definitivamente era alguien a quien nunca llamaría Jack. El ángel era tan ancho como el cielo, casi resplandeciente, sus alas brillaban como oro macizo. Estaba tan aturdido que no sabía qué decir o hacer. “¡Javi!” el ángel retumbó de nuevo, “¡Toma esto! ¡Este es tu destino y el de ellos!” ¿De quién es el destino? Quiénes eran”?

Cuando Javi se despertó, se encontró acostado boca arriba con el brazo extendido como si tratara de… ¡no sabía! Un ángel llamado Jack había puesto con reverencia algo en su mano, pero ¿qué? No tenía nada en la mano. Bueno, por supuesto, no tenía nada en la mano, ¡era un sueño! se castigó a sí mismo. Anhelaba volver al sueño tan vívido, pero sabía que no podía. Entonces, en lugar de eso, se tomó unos momentos para reorientarse, buscó el cuaderno gastado debajo de su cama para registrar el sueño antes de que desapareciera en su psique y se perdiera para siempre. Nadie estaba despierto todavía, pero no pasaría mucho tiempo.

Habiendo terminado de detallar el sueño, colocó el cuaderno a su lado sobre la cama y cerró los ojos por unos minutos más. Nada que nadie pudiera regalarle para Navidad este año sería mejor que ese sueño, por enrevesado que fuera. ¿Qué significó todo? Trató de dejar de lado los dos primeros escenarios, sin querer pensar en esa parte de su destino. Estaría viviendo esa parte muy pronto, siempre se decía a sí mismo, así que trató de concentrarse en el final del sueño. ¡La ropa! ¡El sombrero! ¡El escenario frente a 10.000 fans! Y la banda. Siempre supo que necesitaría una banda de algún tipo, pero siempre se había imaginado a sí mismo como un solista, sin compartir el escenario con nadie, todos los ojos puestos en él. Había compartido el escenario con sus hermanos toda su vida. Hmmmm…..

Apartó las sábanas, de mala gana desviando su atención del sueño a la tarea que aún tenía que terminar antes de ir a la escuela. Como siempre, llevó la libreta al armario y apartó la ropa y los zapatos para encontrar la caja. No quería que nadie leyera sus pensamientos y sueños mientras no estaba.

Levantó la tapa de cartón que había visto días mejores y un destello de luz llamó su atención. No podía ver muy bien en el armario, así que levantó la mano para encender la luz que colgaba del techo. La caja se llenó de luz y también lo hicieron los ojos de Javi cuando levantó una y luego dos y luego una tercera estrella dorada de la caja. Los colocó con cuidado en el suelo a su lado. ¡Estos no eran suyos! Ciertamente no los había puesto aquí. ¿Que esta pasando?

Examinó el frente de cada uno de cerca, pero no vio nada particularmente especial en ellos y casi los vuelve a poner en la caja planeando inspeccionarlos más de cerca después de llegar a casa de la escuela… pero su curiosidad pudo más que él. , así que les dio la vuelta. Una delicada inicial en filigrana estaba grabada en el centro de cada estrella.

Cogió con cuidado el que tenía una J. ¿Asumió que era para él? *** ¿Pero quién o qué era A y R? ¿FRASCO? ¿Las cosas buenas vienen de tres en tres? “¿Jacobo?” susurró nerviosamente. Se sentía ridículo, pero tal vez… solo tal vez… obtendría una respuesta. Esperó tan silenciosamente como pudo, esperando contra toda esperanza, pero nada. Después de la escuela, hacía un viaje rápido a la playa. Quizás el mar hablaría de nuevo. Quizás.

Pero en este momento todo lo que escuchó fueron gotas de lluvia… golpeando contra la ventana de su habitación… y el estruendo de un trueno… sacudió la cabeza y suspiró, guardando cuidadosamente las estrellas doradas para otro día… otra vez… lejos, lejos de esta ciudad junto al mar.

***En otras historias que he escrito, he incluido una banda con tres miembros, Javi, Antonio y Rodrigo.

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WRITE ON!

WISH UPON A CHRISTMAS STAR

Javi startled awake, propping himself up on his elbows, shifting his eyes wildly around the semi-darkness. Patting the softness of the cobija under his hand, he finally realized that he’d awakened in the safety of his own bedroom. It was still the middle of the night; he had an innate sense of time just like some people had an innate sense of direction. He knew it was around 2 a.m. Still many hours before he had to get up.

Turning over onto his left side and settling into the warmth of his blankets and fluffy pillows he couldn’t actually see the stars covering the velvet-black sky through his bedroom window but he knew they were there and could imagine their distant sparkle in the heavens. Just like his dreams that no one but him and his closest friend, Emilio, were able to see as reality. Most people, friends and family alike, just seemed to tolerate his words when he tried to talk about his dreams seriously. But that didn’t mean they didn’t exist somewhere in an as yet unknown future…or that they couldn’t or wouldn’t come true.

Turning his thoughts to the present, he could feel his lips turn up in a satisfied smile. It was the Christmas season and he loved Christmas like he loved no other holiday on the calendar. It was a time when the city by the sea came to life with vivid colors, spectacular pageantry and music, sometimes reverent, sometimes raucous, but always joyful! The streets filled with throngs of people in costume preparing for the centuries-old celebration of the arrival of the Christ Child.

And it lasted for most of December and into early January. He loved the holiness of the holiday and the way it was celebrated in the church. Sometimes it felt as if the entire world stopped and the love of God Himself could be felt most acutely, right there in that room – a sanctuary they called it – where the faithful gathered to sing hymns and carols, praising God for His goodness, rejoicing in the greatest gift ever given to mankind – Jesus, the one and only source of their lives and their salvation.

But his ambitions were what his fellow church members, and especially his mother and father, would call secular. For as long as Javi could remember he’d been puzzled by this peculiar distinction between “sacred” versus “secular.” If God created the world, the universe really! no matter how flawed it often seemed, wasn’t it sacred? Didn’t everything, even the worst things that he could imagine, have at least a tiny spark of the sacred? And he believed that where that spark existed, it could become a flame, ignited by God’s own heart, with the possibility of becoming wholly and completely sacred with time.

And above all music! They said the kind of music he longed to make had no spiritual value! In this, he knew they were beyond wrong; every single note he sang, every lyric he wrote originated in the depths of his soul. But, he had no answers for his questions. Questions that had probably been asked from time immemorial. Nevertheless, he didn’t believe even for a single minute that his dreams, his music, his desires were anything but God-given. They were absolutely not secular if such a thing even existed.

They called him a dreamer, as if there was something inherently wrong about it. They said he was wasting his time with his head in the clouds. And yes, he’d be the first to admit that he was, indeed, a dreamer, of course he was! A life without dreams was no kind of life at all! His passions were what kept him alive and what nourished his present while he waited to make the inevitable move into his future, that place where his life and his destiny converged, the God-given spark becoming a roaring fire. He would consume the world with his music!

This year his Christmas dreams took him to the US. He didn’t question why; he simply added the dreams to the box he kept hidden in his closet, nondescript, so no one would guess that anything important was inside. The box was full of handwritten notebooks and baubles he’d collected over the years. Some of his written musings might become song lyrics. Some of the box’s contents might only be there so that he could look back at where he’d been, allowing him to see how far he’d come and how far he had yet to go. And Javi didn’t know it yet, but the contents of that box would fuel his determination someday…..on those days when he was so discouraged he’d want to give up, when all of his conversations with the sea would seem like nothing more than his own imaginings, as if they’d never really happened, this plain brown box would save him.

In Mexico, or at least in his part of Mexico, Santa Claus wasn’t a part of their celebrations or their traditions….and of course the imaginary elf was certainly not sacred according to his parents. And Javi knew he was too old to actually believe that Santa Claus was a real person. But in the US, Santa seemed to be the most prominent symbol of Christmas. And the US would be a slice of his someday. A scrumptious piece of his future! He loved Mexico with all his heart, but he didn’t plan to limit his future to her borders. He was going to be a star, not just in this little corner of the world, but in every corner of the world. No matter how large or small…they would know his name!

In the US they decorated huge pine trees with all kinds of ornaments and strings of shining lights! He could imagine all the people in churches wearing their best clothes, singing in and out of tune. The people they called carolers going from door to door filling the cold night air serenading neighbors and strangers alike. Sometimes they were songs with names like O Holy Night and sometimes they were songs like Santa Claus is Coming to Town or I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Javi smiled in the dark at that. He’d never seen a white Christmas any more than he’d seen Santa Claus.

But what he really liked to look at in the books he read about American Christmases were all the gaily and sometimes gaudily wrapped presents under the decorated trees. He could only imagine what might be inside those pretty boxes and bags…and in his dreams every gift was for him and contained everything he’d ever need or want to become a star, almost as if the star that sat atop that tree represented him.

And maybe the gifts represented what he’d need to reach that place at the top. Maybe his own microphone was in one of those boxes, one he’d never have to share with anyone like he did with his brothers. Or lots of fancy outfits in red and black, his favorite colors! Or an English-Spanish dictionary because he’d have to learn to speak the language, right? And maybe a teacher to go with it! He covered his lips as he tried not to giggle too loud – what kind of teacher would be small enough to fit in a box?

And maybe all those decorations represented some of the footholds he’d have to use to climb his way to the height of fame that awaited him. Never once did he stop to think that some of the steps he’d have to take might be dull or ugly or hard or that his real life “tree” would bear anything but a smooth ascent with no holes between branches where someone had forgotten to place an ornament. Even though the sea had told him of the trials and tribulations he might have to struggle with to attain his goal, he rarely thought of that, and especially not at Christmas.

Just like in Mexico, Christmas in the US represented a time of jubilation, a respite from the ordinary and mundane lives most everyone lived. And for him, a time when he could almost forget that the older he got the harder life became and the more impatient he was to leave.

He sighed, tucking his Christmas wishes back into his heart. He could feel his eyelids growing heavy, the remnants of the nightmare that had awakened him all but gone. Glancing out the window one last time, he closed his eyes, whispering a nursery rhyme he’d learned long ago. It wasn’t something he’d learned from his mama or papa. In fact, he couldn’t really remember where he’d learned it, but he liked to recite it before he went to sleep. Most would shake their heads, as usual, and say it was the silly dreamer in him, but he didn’t care. God made the stars, right? So what could wishing on one hurt? Maybe the stars were just another Christmas gift that no one recognized.

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

Breathing in the quiet and the familiar scents and sounds around him, he fell back to sleep, his mind filled with twirling Christmas trees entwined with memories of La Rama celebrations past and looking forward to this year’s celebration, knowing he most certainly wouldn’t be in the US this Christmas….but soon.

He could feel the wet, gritty sand between his toes and the foamy waves as they chased his feet along the shore. He paused, inhaling a deep breath of the sea air, so familiar, so comforting. He would miss this, he knew, but for now here he was hoping his friend and muse, the sea, would talk to him today. He decided to just plop down on the sand for a change, maybe build a sand castle, sort of a physical manifestation of his dreams, like he did when he was a kid. At least for today, he was free from most of the everyday chores because his mama and younger siblings were visiting his aunt for the day….or at least he thought they were. Why wasn’t he sure? His eyes quickly skimmed his surroundings as he crossed his legs and sat, absent-mindedly reaching for a handful of sand, that seemed to turn into something cold and white and then disappear. Puzzled, he picked up another pile of sand packing it firmly between his palms, only to feel it dissolve into a puddle of cold water that dripped through his fingers. Where was he?

He turned around expecting to see the familiar rise of the dunes behind him, but instead there were what looked like tall kilometer-high buildings…..and why were all these people here? This time of year he usually had the beach all to himself. A couple of kids ran in front of him and he tried to ask them where he was, but it was as if they didn’t even see or hear him. No! Was this another nightmare hoping to interrupt his sleep again?

It didn’t feel like a nightmare though…in fact, it felt rather peaceful….and despite all the sunbathers and swimmers, he heard no one speaking at all even with the game of what looked like beach volleyball going on not far from where he was sitting. He was just getting used to this strange, but not unpleasant feeling, when he heard a loud splash and felt the waves slap his toes. He swallowed hard, not sure whether to be frightened or reassured. He unconsciously began to back away from the waves looking behind him at the buildings, just barely getting to his feet to run when he stopped himself. This was the sea, his friend….his confidante….not some monster in a bad dream. Turning away from the buildings, he turned his head again to look at the expanse of shifting waves.

Blinking to clear his vision, and planting his hands on the sand behind him to steady himself, he blinked again. He wasn’t scared….yet…he told himself, but he was certainly awestruck! Rising from the depths of the sea right in front of him was an angel, but not the kind of angel he’d seen so many times in pictures or as statues….this angel was male….the only reason he was sure it was even an angel was because of the wings….and he? it? was dressed in a red and white suit just like the kind that Santa Claus would wear, complete with a stocking hat, a black belt and boots! He hurriedly looked around him again, hoping to find someone else to share this inexplicable experience with, but, again….no one seemed to notice them…neither Javi nor the unconventionally dressed angel.

“Javi,” the Santa angel said in a deep voice, beckoning him to walk towards him, “don’t be afraid, dude, I’m here to grant your wishes…..I hope…or at least that’s what I was told. Oh, right! I forgot you can’t walk on water. Sorry there, bud.” The angel finished his apology as he walked across the water as if it didn’t exist. “Why are you dressed like that?” Javi asked before thinking, to which the angel replied, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Weren’t you hoping for Santa? Here, how about this then?! Santa doesn’t own a lot of beachwear…..” and as the angel spoke, the Santa suit melted away as if it never existed only to be replaced by a brawny, muscular angel with well-chiseled facial features wearing old blue jeans and a sleeveless black fishnet shirt. Javi couldn’t help but laugh! It looked like some of the many outfits he’d dreamed of wearing once he was a star covering the muscular frame he could only hope for…well, at least right now anyway. He vowed then and there that one day he’d replace his scrawny self with a body just like the angel had.

“Oh! So you recognize them, I see!” Javi had no clue what he’d supposedly recognized. “The clothes and the body!” the angel chuckled, twirling in a circle to show off his attire, and of course, his body. Javi still didn’t get it….he could only dream of…..oh! he was dreaming! Of course! “Come my young friend!” the angel shouted enthusiastically, “Let me show you around what just might be your first glimpse of the big time!” he grinned, grabbing Javi’s hand. Well, he certainly was a very happy angel, Javi thought, and that smile…it was like watching the sun rise..he’d seen it before…..it looked so familiar.

Javi didn’t know whether to speak or remain silent. Everyone else around them didn’t appear to see either of them, but “Where are we?” Javi blurted out. “What? You don’t recognize another city by the sea? You’ve seen it lots of times in pictures….but then maybe you’ve never dreamed of it….specifically that is. You’re in the good old USA, Miami, Florida, to be exact…..The Magic City! The Gateway to the Americas!” Javi listened to him babble like some kind of tour guide. But Javi looked confused and it didn’t escape the angel’s notice……”um, if you don’t like it I can always change the venue. After all, your wishes and dreams have taken you all over. We can even change countries….Brazil, maybe? Although your most recent wish WAS for the US…” his voice trailed off, waiting for an answer.

“No! No, Miami is fine, it’s great!” Oh my God! He was in the United States! Miami? New York? California? Who cared? “Oh, good!” the angel looked relieved, “I was hoping you didn’t want to see Indiana or North Dakota or…especially North Dakota….it’s colder than…..” he was going to say “hell,” but considering the setting it didn’t seem appropriate….and the angel realized he was babbling again just in time for Javi to ask, “So, do you have a name?” He didn’t know that much about angels, except for the ones in the Bible, and most of them were female. “Well, of course I have a name!” the angel replied, “Actually, I have lots of names but for our purposes why don’t you just call me Jack, that’s a nice all-American name,” he laughed again.

Javi shook his head as if to clear it. “Now, where do we begin, Javi?” the angel rubbed his hands together as if anticipating a wonderful surprise. “How about here,” he said as he snapped his fingers. And suddenly they were standing in the dingy hallway of an old apartment building that needed painting, lots of painting. Hmmmm……this wasn’t exactly a wonderful surprise as far as Jack was concerned…but it was Javi’s dream, not Jack’s…..Jack rattled a set of keys opening the squeaky door and the next thing Javi knew they were standing in what appeared to be the inside of one of the apartments. It was drab and shabby and it appeared as if a bunch of guys might live there together. It smelled a little musty…..but there was a small Christmas tree in a corner looking as if someone had really tried, but really failed to make the place look festive. And the poor tree looked like it hadn’t seen a drop of water….ever. In some ways it reminded him of where he came from except his mama made it feel like a home and she would never treat a house plant like that. This didn’t feel like anything but someplace to sleep between working….or whatever you did in Miami.

“You look a little disappointed, I mean, yeah it doesn’t look like much I know, but dreams don’t always come true right away. You should know that better than anyone! You’ve been dreaming of this place for years….well, maybe not this place specifically,” he admitted, noticing the cobwebs in the corners of the room, “but….the US, si?” Javi didn’t know what to say, so he simply nodded, and asked if he could walk around, take a look….”Of course! Your bedroom is”….he pointed to a room without a door about two steps away, and Javi peeked around the wall only to find a mattress on the floor that had obviously seen better days and a couple of pillows. He sighed, at least the rooms were clean….he guessed.

The angel felt a little sad for Javi and was trying hard not to show it, but it wasn’t Jack’s job to grant wishes necessarily. That was usually Randy’s job, but he’d been called out at the last second on an emergency wish mission, and they’d asked Jack to step in because he needed the experience….at wish-granting presentation, that is. Maybe he’d been a little misleading about that part. Jack’s job was to show Javi where his dreams might start….and maybe where they might end. None of that was his decision. In that respect, Destiny had its own ideas and plans to which he was not made privy.

“Moving right along,” Jack said, clearing his throat, hoping that maybe the next stop would be a little more to Javi’s liking. Fluttering his wings, he took Javi’s hand in his own again. Javi had barely blinked….and they were on the sidewalk again. The building didn’t look as bad as he remembered it from the outside, but maybe that was because of the return of some much-needed fresh air and sunshine. He fervently hoped that if this was part of his destiny that it would only be for a short while….actually, a very short while. He tried to remember what he’d been reading about everything in life being a learning experience for the good….he was trying, but not succeeding very well at the moment.

Javi’s musings were interrupted when he realized that now they were on another sidewalk. Apparently, this adventure wasn’t about spending lots of time on the beach! he thought to himself, trying to make light of the situation.

But, this sidewalk appeared to be in even worse shape than the one they’d just left, cracked and broken, with dirt and busted bottles and empty beer cans scattered everywhere. Raising his eyes from the ground, he hoped that this building looked better than its surroundings.

The establishment appeared to be a large, but unappealing cantina, and from what they could hear from the outside, a very noisy one, and it suddenly occurred to Javi that dusk had turned to dark….but he couldn’t see the stars, too many city lights.

“Ready?” Jack asked, hoping he really was. However, this didn’t look very promising either and to make matters worse, it was named Jack’s Place! He hoped Javi hadn’t noticed. Maybe he needed to see if there were any jobs available that weren’t so disappointing sometimes. No one ever liked to see this side of their dreams, but it was necessary…..because if they couldn’t handle this side of their dreams, then they’d never make it to the pinnacle of their dreams….but no one ever wanted to listen to that part. Even those who thought they were prepared, like Javi. Yes, Javi listened to the sea, but internalizing and embracing what the sea was telling him was another thing altogether.

Well, at least the place was cheerfully decorated on the inside! It looked a lot like so much of Mexico, the walls painted in bright, vivid, primary colors, absolutely nothing like the apartment they’d just left. Javi didn’t know what to think. He’d never, ever been in a cantina. He was years away from 18, although he often wished those years away just so he could be…..here? Hmmm….here…..is this what he was really waiting for? He took a deep breath, inhaling the secondhand tobacco smoke and what he guessed was the scent of stale beer. It certainly wasn’t very inspiring!

Jack exclaimed, “Great, it’s a Friday night! It looks like a big crowd! You know, Javi….” Jack leaned in as if to confide a secret to Javi, but then he stopped. Telling him that most week nights were nothing like this, but were dead as a doornail instead, wouldn’t encourage him any, “um, maybe we should take a seat?”

Javi glanced around again. It was obvious that a band was playing tonight. Everything was set up on the tiny stage…the very tiny stage. And Javi wanted to be near the band. So far, that was the only thing that really interested him in this room full of raucousness. Jack ordered him a drink and no one seemed to care that he might not be 18, but whatever Jack ordered tasted awful! He asked, “Aren’t you going to drink something?” Jack chuckled, “Oh, angel’s don’t drink, we don’t need to! How’s that beer?” he asked as if it was perfectly normal for Javi to be drinking alcohol. “Fine, I guess,” he murmured, not wanting to insult him…and besides it was a dream! Hopefully, he’d never have to drink it in the real world.

The band arrived right on time, 10:00 sharp, took a few minutes to tune up and started the set with some rabble-rousing rock. At first, Javi was thrilled! He didn’t get to listen to live bands like this at home. He watched them on TV whenever he had the chance, but most of the live music he was exposed to was in church. This was a great example of the kind of music that he longed to create! But then after about 45 minutes, he looked around and realized hardly anyone was even paying attention. And applause was rare if not nonexistent. The boys in the band didn’t seem half as upset as Javi was! Actually, they didn’t look upset at all. After a short break, taking the time to replenish whatever they were drinking, they picked up right where they’d left off, sometimes taking requests….but even then hardly anyone seemed to notice!

These guys were singing and playing their hearts out and no one seemed to care! Okay, a couple of people would get up and dance to songs they’d requested, but otherwise it was like the band was almost invisible….maybe they were? It was a dream….wasn’t it? He turned to Jack as if he could read Javi’s mind and had the answer to the crowd’s inattentiveness. Jack was tapping his fingers to the music, but when he saw the look on Javi’s perplexed face, he simply shrugged. After all, he didn’t really get it either! These guys were good! Another downside to his job…but he couldn’t explain what he didn’t understand…and they couldn’t leave. His assignment specifically said they had to stay until the bar closed.

Javi didn’t appear to be enjoying his beer very much and Jack asked him if he’d like something else. The beer was obviously lukewarm by now. “Yes, a glass of water,” he replied rather dejectedly. Returning with Javi’s water, Jack realized that this disaster was almost over! Thank God in heaven, it was the last set! Taking a gulp of water to wash away the taste of warm beer, Javi continued to watch feeling madder and sadder with each song they played. And now? Now that half the crowd was obviously drunk? Now they were getting up to dance with a smattering of applause!

When Jack heard, “last call,” he glanced at Javi, “Ready to go, kiddo?” he asked. Javi appeared almost grateful, like he’d been ready to go about 2-1/2 sets ago. He asked Jack if he had any cash on him. He was obviously paying for Javi’s drinks with something. Jack didn’t have to ask what Javi wanted it for. He handed him $5, more money than Javi had ever seen. Javi walked up to the band’s tip jar and dropped the $5 in. He wanted to ask them questions like, “is it always like this?” or “how long have you been doing this?” but he didn’t. The tired-appearing guitarist caught his eye and smiled, giving him a thumbs up, as if Javi needed the encouragement more than he did.

“What’s the next stop?” Javi asked, not sure he wanted there to be one. So far, the US, even at Christmas didn’t seem to be anything like he imagined. Sure, there were decorated buildings, inside and out. But, he reminded himself, all he’d seen so far was an apartment building where he supposedly lived, a rather nondescript and depressing cantina and the Atlantic Ocean. “You know, Javi, good things come in threes, right?” Javi nodded, hoping that the saying was really true. If good things came in threes, then this….whatever it was…..could only get better? And the last two scenarios weren’t exactly what he’d call good, but…..

Jack hoped that the next stop would maybe be more encouraging. If it got any worse he’d definitely have to look at finding work on a different cloud! One thing was for sure though – he’d never take over Randy’s spot again! If this was really what was expected of him, it wasn’t much better than Jack’s usual gig!

Okay, enough of this! On to…..he glanced down at the instructions he’d been given. Hmmmm….now this might be a little bit more like where Javi hoped his career would begin…sort of. According to Javi’s Destiny Resume he was a singer and songwriter. He didn’t play any instruments. His voice was his only instrument. But……Jack smiled as he read further….it appeared that Javi’s personality traits were off the seismic charts! Javi didn’t know it yet, but he was capable of turning negatives into positives better than almost all of the people on this crazy planet! So much ahead of him! Why, his charisma and looks…..Jack marveled…but he’d have to grow into those and so much more. I guess I should have read this earlier, Jack thought, but Randy had come and gone before he’d even had a chance…..

“Open your eyes, Javi!” Javi hadn’t even been aware he’d closed them! But he opened his left eye, half afraid of what he might see.

Wow! Just wow! Javi thought as he opened both eyes, where were they? He’d seen pictures like this…..the western United States? (he guessed). He was still dreaming though! Maybe Jack had decided to take him to an entirely different country! Jack laughed as if he knew exactly what Javi was thinking. “Still the US, Javi….just a couple thousand kilometers away from Miami…..and look!” He said pointing to a sign that read Red Rocks Amphitheater. Of course! He’d seen lots of pictures and read about the bands who performed here….and then he realized he was able to read English!

This looked much more promising than anything he’d seen in Miami, even the Atlantic Ocean….although it was a little cold here. Trying to ignore the goosebumps on his arms, he noticed that they were looking at the amphitheater seats from the stage. He felt the warmth of an arm around his shoulder……”Emilio!” he yelped, but Emilio seemed oblivious, as if Javi and Jack didn’t exist. He was beginning to wonder if they did exist! “What’s he doing here?” Javi whispered to Jack. Jack pointed to a tag dangling from Emilio’s shirt pocket. Over Emilio’s name and photo was a single word, “Manager.”

What? All the times they’d talked about Emilio being Javi’s manager….and Javi wasn’t sure he’d ever taken it seriously. He wanted everyone to believe in his dreams, but he’d never really believed in Emilio’s dreams? But before he could say anything, Emilio had disappeared.

What was next? he wondered. Javi turned his attention back to Jack’s spiel in his tour-guide voice, wondering what he’d missed.

“Yep! Almost 10,000 seats, Javi….and they’re just waiting to be filled with fans!” Jack gestured grandly towards the still empty seats” “I have 10,000 fans???” Javi squeaked. “Well, not YOU exactly….” Jack tried to back pedal, “I mean, you’re not the star…..not yet…you’re just the opening act,” wishing he hadn’t emphasized the word “just.” “You’re opening for Magneto…well, actually your one of the openers….”

Javi interrupted him, “Magneto? I’m opening for Magneto?” For Javi that was almost as exciting as being the opening act! Or one of them anyway. Jack had stopped speaking and was watching the sky uneasily. It had started to turn gray…..please, no! Not a thunderstorm. This was one of the worst dreams he’d ever been tasked with being a part of! But Javi seemed totally unaware of it….and maybe it would just blow over. It didn’t look that threatening….not yet anyway. Maybe he could get Javi off the stage before he noticed. He reached for Javi’s quivering hand and quietly snapped the fingers of his right hand.

The scene shifted again as Javi found himself in what he guessed was the coolest dressing room he’d ever seen, built right into the dusty red rocks! Of course, the only dressing rooms he’d ever seen were in the church back home, but still….and then he saw himself in the full-length mirror attached to the back of the door. “Jack….” he gasped, “Where did this…these…” “Oh! The clothes?” “And the hat!, ” Javi whispered. He’d never worn a hat like this in his entire life! “Well, you couldn’t go out there in your pajamas now could you?” And then Javi realized that Jack’s clothes had changed, too. The black fishnet was gone along with the faded jeans, but he was dressed nothing like Javi! Javi laughed at himself as he turned back and forth examining his outfit. He felt like a peacock! And he loved it! A red leather jacket with sparkly zippers over a coal black shirt and a pair of tight leather pants with ankle high boots to match. But the hat was his favorite part. Who knew he could look this good in a hat? He could certainly never dress like this back home!

And then suddenly he heard the crack of thunder….but he was outside…the dressing room had vanished..it wasn’t raining…..why were things moving so quickly?…..Jack sensed his fear and tried to slow things down. There….that was a little better.

Javi was onstage and he could sense the commotion going on around him. They were doing sound checks…..and someone was calling his name. The guitarist from the band at the cantina! It was his voice! Javi was holding a mic in his hand – where had that come from? – he was singing, but he couldn’t hear his voice. Yet he was harmonizing with someone….and he heard the faint sound of piano. And there were people in the amphitheater. Sometimes ten, sometimes a thousand and then maybe five thousand…..and then they were gone….but he could still hear the applause sometimes…and off-key voices singing lyrics that were apparently familiar to them. Did they know his songs? He kept trying to see who was onstage with him, but all he could make out was their clothing….or their voices sometimes……and then they were taking a bow……someone had an arm around his shoulder again, but it wasn’t Emilio……where was Jack? He wanted to tell him all about this….but shouldn’t Jack already know?……

“Javi!” He heard his name again. It wasn’t the guitarist…and it wasn’t whoever he’d been harmonizing with…..it had to be Jack. But the creature who appeared before him was definitely someone he would never call Jack. The angel was as wide as the sky, almost glowing, his wings glittering like solid gold. He was so stunned he didn’t know what to say or do. “Javi!” the angel boomed again, “Take these! This is your destiny and theirs!” Whose destiny? Who were “they”?

As Javi awoke, he found himself lying on his back with his arm outstretched as if reaching for…..he didn’t know! An angel named Jack had reverently placed something in his hand, but what? Nothing was in his hand. Well, of course, nothing was in his hand, it was a dream! he chastised himself. He longed to return to the oh-so vivid dream, but knew he couldn’t. So instead, he took a few moments to reorient himself, he reached for the worn notebook under his bed to record the dream before it disappeared into his psyche and was lost forever. No one was awake yet, but it wouldn’t be long.

Having finished detailing the dream, he laid the notebook beside him on the bed and closed his eyes for a few more minutes. Nothing anyone could give him for Christmas this year would be better than that dream, convoluted as it was. What did it all mean? He tried to push aside the first two scenarios, never wanting to think about that part of his destiny. He’d be living that part soon enough he always told himself so he tried to focus on the end of the dream. The clothes! The hat! The stage in front of 10,000 fans! And the band. He always knew he’d need a band of some sort, but he’d always pictured himself as a solo artist, not sharing the stage with anyone, all eyes on him. He’d shared the stage with his brothers all of his life. Hmmmm…..

He threw the covers back, reluctantly turning his attention from the dream to the homework he still had to finish before school. As always, he took the notebook to the closet moving clothes and shoes aside to find the box. He didn’t want anyone reading his thoughts and dreams while he was gone.

He lifted the cardboard lid that had seen better days and a glint of light caught his eye. He couldn’t see very well in the closet so he reached up to turn on the light that hung from the ceiling. The box filled with light and so did Javi’s eyes as he lifted one and then two and then a third gold star from the box. He laid them carefully on the floor beside him. These weren’t his! He certainly hadn’t put them here. What was going on?

He examined the front of each one closely, but didn’t see anything particularly special about them and he almost put them back in the box planning to inspect them more closely after he got home from school….but his curiosity got the better of him, so he turned them over. A delicate filigreed initial was engraved in the center of each star.

He carefully picked up the one with a J on it. He assumed that was for him? ***But who or what was A and R? J, A, R? Good things come in threes? “Jack?” he whispered nervously. He felt ridiculous, but maybe….just maybe….he’d get a answer. He waited as quietly as he could, hoping against hope, but nothing. After school he’d make a quick trip to the beach. Perhaps the sea would speak again. Perhaps.

But right now all he heard were raindrops….beating against his bedroom window……and the rumble of thunder…….he shook his head and sighed, carefully putting the golden stars away for another day….another time…..far, far away from this city by the sea.

***In other stories I’ve written, I’ve included a band with three members, Javi, Antonio and Rodrigo.

Categories
WRITE ON!

SEA S0NG – CHAPTER 2 – INEVITABLE

CHAPTER 2 – INEVITABLE

Javi rested his head in his hands and sighed as he observed the studying he had to do for tomorrow’s test. Math was not his forte, but then again, there were few classes he enjoyed at all. In his opinion, notebooks were only good for one thing – songwriting. His schooling was a constant source of friction between him and his parents. His family was far from rich and he’d tried to convince them that if he didn’t have to go to school he could get a job and help out with daily living expenses, but they would have none of it. It was hard enough to find a decent job in Mexico and cutting your education short only made it that much harder. And besides, in the back of their minds they feared Javier would take the opportunity to take flight chasing his fanciful, starry-eyed dreams right then rather than later.

I could have been in Mexico City two years ago! was his thought as he glared down at the numerical equations he found so frustrating. But, of course, he hadn’t dared to utter even a single word about the city where he was sure all of his dreams would take shape and come true. In their minds he foolishly believed that Mexico City was the equivalent of the Land of Oz, although in the end Dorothy did return to her home in Kansas. And they clung to that hope – that he’d return to his home by the sea after realizing that Mexico City’s bright lights were only an illusion and that there really was “no place like home.”

And Javi never questioned that they were absolutely right in their assumptions that he’d take the first opportunity given to him to escape. But, he would make sure that when that day came, no one would know. The idea of him making a living two years ago at the age of 14 doing anything was unrealistic and frightening, to them. Of course he knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he as yet had no concept of how frightening it could be. In secret, he’d kept in touch with his older brother, but their letters were often few and far between. His friend, Emilio, was their confidential mail service and their post office was the alcove on the beach that formed a small, but deep cave. He saw Emilio almost every day either at school or in choir practice and they’d often share the beach calling it their dream-catcher. Emilio didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do with his future, all he knew was that, like Javi, it didn’t include remaining here. He told Javi often that the older he got, the more he felt this city closing in around him, leaving him feeling like he was suffocating. Javi didn’t have to tell him again that he understood. And then they’d joke about how Emilio could be his manager or a stage hand or maybe even one of his musicians….if he’d only get around to learning how to play an instrument!

His brother assured him he would have a place to stay, so it wasn’t like he’d be living on the streets. And, of course, he’d let his parents know once he got there so they wouldn’t worry. Or maybe he’d leave them a note, his thoughts shrugged. Either way, what did it matter? He had no clue what it was like to be a parent, that they’d worry no matter what he did or where he went if it took him away from the safety of this city by the sea.

He couldn’t focus on math, not now; he’d allowed himself to get sidetracked again by plans for the future. The sunlit spot on the floor told him that there were still a few hours of daylight left. Maybe if he took a ride along the seashore it would clear his mind or if nothing else, give him a distraction until he was forced to study later. He left the book open knowing that if he didn’t he might not find the resolve to pick up where he’d left off and also it made it look like he’d been studying all along in case his mama happened to check in on him. He found a piece of paper and scribbled, “Just went for a ride, be back soon” on it, leaving it in the middle of the book so she’d see it.

He loved his bicycle. It was a worn-looking red, his favorite color. It was his only source of transportation and allowed him the freedom to go places he would otherwise have no access to. Of course, his parents dictated his parameters, and he never went beyond them….well, almost never. But what he loved doing most of all was riding along the seashore, the waves lapping across the sand as they chased him in and out.

When he got to his destination, the alcove that doubled as a post office at the far end of the beach, he carefully parked his bike and sat down on the rock surrounding the opening. The very place that the sea had first told him, “It’s time!” Tomorrow he would turn 16 and only three of his siblings were still living at home. Perhaps that was one of the reasons they seemed to hold on so tightly to Javi. And then he’d heard the story of his birth so many times….maybe that was part of it, too.

According to his parents he almost hadn’t made it into this world alive and his mama had barely escaped that same fate. Sometimes when she looked at him it seemed like she still wasn’t sure he was truly there in front of her. Sometimes, he’d reach out to her and pat her shoulder just to reassure her. Or maybe he only imagined it. Still, he would reach out to her allowing just a glimpse of that smile, his dimples winking in and out, that never ceased to reward him with a rare smile from her. He was too old for sitting on her lap or hugs. He loved her so much, but he’d passed the age where he felt comfortable with effusive displays of affection. And as he’d grown older, his papa seemed to become more distant. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d hugged each other.

Octavio sat in the tranquility of the church sanctuary alone. It was the time of day he always looked forward to, not quite dusk when the sun hadn’t yet begun its game of playing hide and seek with the horizon. He’d made a habit of sitting here in the same pew every day, taking stock of what he’d accomplished and what he had yet to do tomorrow. It was also the only time he truly had to himself. If it wasn’t the demands of the church and its members, it was his family. And he begrudged neither of them his time, but he knew he needed time alone with God to be the pastor, husband and father he envisioned himself being. He sighed deeply, more or less at peace with the role he played in God’s magnificent plan….yet, concerned and saddened by what he saw as Javier’s growing resistance and unrest surrounding the beliefs and tenets of the Church he’d been raised in; this building was where Octavio sensed God’s presence most often, just like Javier who insisted that he found God in the sea.

He didn’t like the fact that Javier believed that God could be found in the sea. It was too close to pantheism for his liking. Although he’d never said he worshipped the sea and he attended church faithfully, seeming to enjoy the rituals and music, he’d never really seemed to embrace the God of the Christian faith. He couldn’t explain it exactly. Javier wasn’t rebellious. He was an obedient child. He sighed again, as much as he wished it were true, Javier was no longer a child. He was a young man. A young man whose philosophical curiosity and questioning tendencies made him uneasy.

He loved his children, all of them, but Javier was so different. Maybe it was because he’d narrowly escaped death at birth. Did he somehow sense how fragile life was from the very beginning? It seemed as if Javier had always had one foot out the door, on his way to somewhere he was supposed to be that had nothing to do with this small town. Like he was just biding time until his real life began. And Octavio knew that as much as Javier loved his family, his home and the sea, he would only stay here until he exerted his desire for independence and was free to go…..on his terms. And he was free to go now, but seemed to be holding back for their sake, and not because he’d had some miraculous change of heart. Of course, they’d insisted he finish school, but that didn’t mean he had to. It didn’t mean that they wouldn’t awake one morning to find him gone.

He had fervently hoped that Javier would follow in his footsteps and become a pastor, maybe not here exactly, but he wanted to believe that he’d been spared at birth to achieve something special, even extraordinary, in God’s plan. His vast knowledge and love of music could take him far in the Christian Church, using all the facets of his multiple talents to achieve God’s will for him. But he was acutely aware that Javier had no desire to use the gifts God had lavished on him within these church walls…or within any church walls. Yes, Javier had taken to heart the words Octavio had used to explain the mysterious inner workings of life, “Everything in its time.” But “everything” to Javier – what he believed was his destiny – lay “out there.”

According to Javi (even though he hated the nickname, after hearing it for so many years, sometimes it would slip into his consciousness without him noticing), his destiny lay far away most likely beginning in Mexico City. He didn’t talk about it much anymore with Octavio because he knew it upset him and that he didn’t understand. And Octavio, for his part, tried to remain neutral, or at least appear that way, but he just couldn’t believe that God had given he and his wife, devout Christians, this boy, bursting with as yet untapped potential, only to snatch him away so that he could bestow it all on “the world” and not in service to the Lord.

He’d preached so many sermons based on the verses in John 15 about being in the world, but not of the world. Even though Jesus requested that they be protected from the evil one, purposefully taking yourself out of God’s fold, the Church, was asking for a whole quagmire of troubles. Even though Javier had not come right out and said that his goal in life was to share music with the world at large via pop music, or at least he hadn’t said it directly to Octavio, he’d known since Javier was a little boy that that was what he considered fulfilling his destiny.

Why? And how was he ever going to bring anyone to faith in the one and only God within the decadence of the music industry? The way Octavio saw it, he’d be too busy trying to protect himself from the evil inherently found out there to have time to devote himself fully to any form of ministry. And yes, he knew that many thought his view of faith in Jesus was too narrow, too restrictive, but he’d preached on that too! Hadn’t Jesus himself warned about the wide gate and broad road that leads to destruction? Were Javier’s misguided choices some sort of test for them all? Forcing his mind back to the present, he glanced around him again at this place of peace where he found God and God found him. No…God may have created the sea, the fish, the shore – yes! of course! but he didn’t reside in them, a ridiculous idea! – and his presence couldn’t possibly be found there in the same way that it was here, where the troubles of the world were so often lifted from his shoulders. Bowing his head, he brought Javier’s name to his lips again praying fervently that his son would see the light before he made a huge error in judgment.

“Javi!” there it was, the voice that lifted his heart every time, taking him from this city by the sea, this beach, this alcove to a far-off stage of his own creation. The stage was never in the same city or even the same country, but it was always surrounded by people who loved his music and loved him for creating it. If math wasn’t his forte…well, he didn’t care. Geography carried him all around the world to unfamiliar and exotic places he hoped to see one day outside of pictures in a textbook. And then someday he’d return triumphant to the World Trade Center so close to the sea and maybe the sea would whisper, “Well done, Javi!” and welcome him home! And maybe by then his parents would understand how he was fulfilling his destiny by making people happy! Or in their vernacular, he’d be fulfilling God’s will. That he’d been listening to God’s voice all along. He didn’t want to believe it was only wishful thinking on his part. He wanted to make them proud of him, delighted to call him their son…..

And here was where he did his writing for the most part. He’d written more songs than he could count or remember. He never went anywhere without a small pocket notebook to jot down ideas or lyrics. Sometimes, the words came to him on the waves that crashed to the shore….and if God was in the sea and he provided the words, wasn’t that sort of a hymn? A song his parents would find acceptable? This was such a struggle, this pushing and pulling of his own desires and burgeoning beliefs on one side and on the other his desire to please his family. And yet….deep down he knew that if he had to make a choice, he would have to follow his destiny and not his parents’ idea of his destiny. He was no more meant to be a pastor or a worship leader or choir director than his papa had been meant to be a pop singer.

Sometimes he wrestled with songwriting, his mind exhausting every avenue only to arrive at a dead end. After all, he couldn’t write about what he didn’t know. He’d never been in love, not even a childish crush. The only examples he had of relationships were what he saw in his parents, his siblings, friends…..and he had written a few songs about friendship. And he tried to be attentive to the people around him, attempting to write about what he perceived that they might be feeling. He’d written lots of songs about the sea, of course, and how it spoke to him, how it revealed to him what lay ahead…and destiny, he’d written countless songs about destiny, and not just his own. He often wrote about what he thought might be someone else’s destiny. He wrote about what he saw in creation. The world was vibrant with color, overflowing with animals and plants, burning with feelings!

Yet……even though he knew the world he had yet to fully experience was not always a happy place, he couldn’t wait to grasp the future in all of its abundance! Patience was one of the virtues he hadn’t been blessed with, he chuckled to himself. He stood up and stretched, deciding to take one more walk along the shore before returning to the drudgery of homework. He’d learned to keep one eye on his bicycle while walking the shoreline, although today there were only a handful of others around.

Octavio opened his eyes, murmuring a thank you after his prayer, arising from the church pew, opening the heavy narthex door, and locking it securely behind him. Their home was only a short distance from the church and when he arrived he went in search of Javier, hoping to find him studying or practicing his scales, but his hopes were dashed when he found the note lying on the book. He didn’t like to admit it to himself, but every time he walked past Javier’s bedroom he was afraid that he’d find him gone. And was that really so unrealistic? He didn’t invite the thought; in fact, he tried to do anything but that, but he’d been thinking about that day for so long, his mind conjuring up all kinds of unpleasant scenarios of what would happen to Javier when he arrived in Mexico City….not if….not anymore, those wishful thoughts were long gone….but when.

He glanced around the room and found no evidence that he’d left for good – his clothes still hung in the cramped closet, his bed was still half-made from the morning, and his school books were scattered all over his desk. Again, whispering an automatic prayer of thanks, he headed for the door, telling Estrella, his wife he’d be back soon, not even giving her the chance to say a proper hello….or good-bye.

He didn’t have to guess where he’d find him. The sea called to him just as Mexico City did. And so he set out for the beach, but taking the roundabout way so, hopefully, Javier wouldn’t be aware of his presence. It wasn’t as easy as it used to be tackling the sand dunes, but when he spotted Javier he found a place where he was reasonably sure he couldn’t be seen. At times, it was a bit tricky to hear him as sound didn’t carry well on the dunes. But this certainly wasn’t his first trip there, he’d been following Javier here for years. And despite himself, sometimes he was actually very pleased with what he heard, especially if he was singing.

And most of the time Javier was alone on the beach by choice. It was his version of the church sanctuary, Octavio grudgingly thought. But today Javier appeared to have an audience of two. Sadly, Octavio rarely, if ever, heard him sing hymns when he found him on these outings. And not having any working knowledge of pop songs, he didn’t know if the lyrics were from a song Javier had heard on the radio or on TV. He knew he loved to write songs, so he often wondered if the lyrics he heard were of Javier’s creation.

One of the boys was his friend, Emilio. The other he didn’t recognize, could be a friend or maybe a tourist. The two sat on the sand listening and clapping to the rhythm of what Javier was singing acapella – a song about someone playing with fire? someone wanting to stop him from doing something? A song about starting over. A song about self-knowledge….knowing who he was? And it sounded like whoever wrote the lyrics was angry? determined?

Had Javier taken the words “everything in its time,” to heart so much that he was working out his destiny in this song? The lyrics marched forward, sometimes in an almost staccato fashion, as an inevitability, a certainty. Is this how Javier felt about his life now? or was it something he imagined might happen in the future? Was it even Javier’s song at all?

He watched as Javier performed for his audience of two, as they continued to clap and sway, Javi using his pretend microphone to belt out the song of determination and resolve. He had his own style as did all singers, movements that Octavio had observed when Javi sang worship songs in church….but others were from what he’d seen Javi copy from watching entertainers on TV. Either way, even at this distance, it was a compelling performance. He could feel his heart aching and breaking all at the same time. And there was also a part of him who wanted to sing those lyrics back to his son telling him that he was the one who was wrong. That what Javier felt was inevitable, that what he thought was self-knowledge? At 16, Javier had no clue what it was like to really know yourself. That in truth, Javier was the one playing with fire! And he had absolutely no idea how the world could burn him, could take everything he thought he had in him to conquer it and throw it back at him and his belief that he was unstoppable. Whether it was an original song written by Javi or not, it was obvious that something in the song resonated with him.

He tried to calm himself, but he refused to look away. Charisma, Javier had it, and Octavio hated that he planned to waste those God-given gifts on a fickle world that could destroy him. A world at constant war with itself in a battle between good and evil.

He didn’t know if Javi was as yet aware of the charisma he possessed. Shy as he could sometimes be, it seemed that every time he walked into a room others were drawn to him like a moth to a flame. He had natural leadership ability and a way about him that not only influenced others but made people feel comfortable in any situation. And that smile…he could imprison every person he encountered with that smile alone. It was like watching the sun as it hit the horizon in the morning. Flickering and then suddenly bubbling and bursting over the horizon to welcome the new day. Did he know what he could do with that charisma in the Church? Did he care? Octavio already knew the answer to the second question.

What was he going to do? What were they going to do? They’d been praying since the day he was born, first that he would survive, and then that he would grow into a strong Christian man using his strengths to serve God, and yes, his weaknesses as well. All for God’s glory as was intended, his true destiny!

He heard the applause of Javi’s audience and saw him take a bow as the song ended. His friends asked for more and Javi was happy to oblige, all thought of homework gone. He invited his friends to perform with him this time, harmonizing.

Octavio carefully crept down the dunes, praying as he did. Why had today felt any different than any other day he’d secretly watched Javi perform? Because he would turn 16 tomorrow, was that it? He was wise enough to know that Javi had stayed here this long because he was torn between pleasing his parents and following what he perceived as his destiny. And he was even wise enough to know that by pressuring him to stay, he’d only push him farther away from them. But what could he offer Javier here that might entice him to stay? Or at the least to not pursue pop music as his future goal? It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought of this countless times…he had…almost every day of his life, but now there seemed to be a sense of urgency.

After hearing those song lyrics? After seeing him work so hard to perfect his performance? He knew time was growing even shorter than he’d realized. He knew they were in a fight for their son’s soul, even if Javi didn’t.

As Christians, it was a fight they were very familiar with and were not without weapons. Sermon upon sermon he’d delivered about donning the full armor of God every day – the belt of truth, shoes that carried the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit – had Javier abandoned his armor for the fake and flimsy security of the world?

It was a constant war between good and evil, just like out there where Javi wanted to be, not knowing or not believing that but for their prayers and the prayers of the Church he would be defenceless.

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SEA SONG – CHAPTER 1 – EVERYTHING IN ITS TIME

CHAPTER 1 – EVERYTHING IN ITS TIME

He was just a little boy with eyes the color of coffee, five going on six, but that’s not how he felt inside where no one could see….only he knew the truths about himself….the truths that were bound together where his heart met his soul…..and the sea that had existed since time immemorial…..the sea knew.

He’d been mesmerized by the sea for as far back as his young mind could remember. He could spend hours walking the shore, absent mindedly gathering sea shells, while his mind attempted to find new words to describe what he saw. He’d named the variety of colors, while handing his spiral-bound notebook to his sister. She’d smile as she played her part in their now familiar game, spelling out the descriptive words, then handing the cheap notebook back to him. And reaching for his big box of crayons, she’d help him match the colors with the words.

He could tell anyone who asked how the sea smelled, sometimes salty or fishy….or after it rained? The air was fresh, like the scent of their home after a thorough spring cleaning.

“Come on, Javier!” his brothers would plead, coaxing him to build sand castles or play tag or join in a game of hide and seek. But he’d just flash his enigmatic smile, and with resolve plop down on the sand, waiting for them to stop their begging. After years of trying, they gave up fairly quickly. And besides, there were so many of them he knew they didn’t really care if he joined in their games. They just wanted to make it easier to keep an eye on him.

As grown up as he thought he was, mama and papa would never allow him to play on the beach alone. “Javier,” his mama would say, “you’re too little; you can barely swim. Someday, I promise, someday…” But he knew someday was years in the future. Jose had been 11 before he’d ever set foot on the sandy beach by himself and he was now the oldest at 14. And his mama didn’t understand why the sea fascinated him so, shaking her head when he called it his best friend. Such a whimsical child! she thought. And children often had imaginary friends so why not the sea? she supposed, reminding herself that he’d outgrow it soon enough.

Papa had always been puzzled by Javier, even more so than his patient wife. The boy referred to himself as Javi, but his father wasn’t at all fond of nicknames. They’d carefully chosen names for all of their children and, except for Javier, they’d all accepted those names without question. But for Javier? It seemed he possessed the need to set himself apart from his siblings, not because he thought he was better than they were – if anything he had a sense of humility, a sense of self-knowledge…..but he was only five years old! Surely he was imagining those desirable traits, his father thought, brushing the fanciful notion aside like a handful of fairy dust, a nice idea but better left in the realm of fantasy.

However, he wasn’t imagining Javier’s love of music. If he could sing it rather than say it, he would. All of his children were in the choir at church at least for the time being. He was the choir director and music was akin to breathing for him. On this single thing, he and Javier were of one mind. Even if his children left music behind in adulthood no one could say that he had failed to instill the importance of it in one’s life.

He could remember the many times Javier had tried to explain to him how the sea was alive. How when he stood on the beach and sang, the endless expanse of water would harmonize with him. For Javier, it wasn’t just water splashing against the shore. It wasn’t just a place for the fish to swim. Nor simply an entity that responded to the sun and moon controlling the tides. And as usual, in his no nonsense way, he’d said, “Javier, those are excellent examples of song lyrics, but not reality.”

But Javier couldn’t grasp why his father seemed so perplexed by his explanations, his childlike descriptions; after all, the very words that the sea often whispered to him were what his father said time and time again, “Everything in its time.”

At five, he wasn’t sure he understood what those words meant, but his mama had explained to him one day that it all boiled down to one word, “Wait.” “You have to wait, Javier.” She said kneeling down so she could look into his earnest eyes, “You have to learn to be patient, for the world to come to you when you’re ready. Only God knows when you’re ready, Javier.”

And he believed in God. He believed in God’s love for him, but why should he wait for the world to come to him? What if the world got busy and forgot about him? He loved conversing with the sea. He was sure that God could be found everywhere, not just in church. The God he believed in was much bigger than that. Why would a God who created the whole world and everyone in it, all the stars in the galaxies, every single animal and plant…why would he choose to hang around only in church buildings?

No, the God he believed in, that he prayed to was found most often in the sea. He could have whole conversations with each wave that crashed against the shore. When he thought his brothers weren’t watching he’d sing to the sea, just like he’d told his papa, releasing his desires, wishes and dreams in song, hoping that the sea would somehow absorb them, and send them out into the world. If it was true that he had to wait for the world to come to him?…..well, maybe a few reminders wouldn’t hurt.

Javi (that’s how he thought of himself, one short name) lived his life on a stage of his own creation. His sister called him a daydreamer. When they were allowed, they all loved to watch TV and when it was Javi’s turn to choose? Always, always, always, pop music shows. Of course, every one of them wanted to be a pop star, the glamour, the pretty clothes, the money. They’d excitedly talk over each other about the big houses they’d live in and the foreign countries they’d travel to. Hair brushes were transformed into microphones, brooms would become guitars, empty cans would become drums. But Javi? He’d always say, “That’s me. I’m going to be right there someday.” Pointing at the screen. And he was serious! But they all chuckled. “You’re only five, Javier! How do you know that? We’ll be there before you will,” his older brothers laughed.

And maybe what they said was true; maybe they would be there before him. In fact, he hoped they might be, although secretly he didn’t think they’d have the discipline or that they’d want to do the hard work it would take to get there. But he was sure he would! Even though he wasn’t exactly sure what kind of discipline it would take or how hard that hard work would be. Like “everything in its time,” discipline and hard work were the words his papa used all the time when talking about being a grownup. For his brothers, he thought, their play acting was just a dream. For him, it was a reality. Nothing and no one would stop him.

He practiced every day as his papa hid a proud smile. His voice was still childlike, of course, but his papa had taught and listened to hundreds of singing voices in his time and he knew natural talent when he heard it. But he didn’t tell Javier that. He may be proud, but he didn’t want Javier to catch his pride, to become self-centered or arrogant. No, he would continue to train him and gently but firmly push him, when necessary. Despite Javier’s insistence that his future lay on a faraway stage, his papa was circumspect. Everything in its time, everything in its time.

What he didn’t like was the way Javier would practice what he saw on TV, not just the singing, trying to stretch his vocal cords to the limit of his five-year-old voice, but the movements as well. He’d copy the way the singer’s body moved as it swayed and gyrated to the music, caught up in every note and lyric. He’d even mimic his father’s way of directing his choir, coaxing his make believe audience to join in, to share the experience with him. He seemed to draw his energy from them, make believe though they were. As if Javier and his audience could mesh two halves, becoming one whole.

And he worried about Javier’s love of pop music, a love that he was afraid would grow into an obsession. He always listened politely to the classical music and hymns his papa and mama taught them, loving every note, every word. But in secret, he used it to weave his own songs and lyrics, not sharing that with anyone, not even his sister, his closest sibling and confidante.

In his father’s eyes, pop music was pure fluff. It had no use. And he believed it drew people away from God, away from the one truth they so desperately needed. But he was also wise enough to know that if he forbade his children, and especially Javier, from listening to it it would only draw them more and more to its decadence, so he kept his own counsel.

The years passed until one day Javier finally found himself on the beach; alone for the first time. Mama had kept her promise! On his eleventh birthday she woke him with a happy birthday kiss, then said, “What are you doing still in bed? You mustn’t keep the sea waiting!” It took him less than a minute to throw the covers back and grab the clothes he’d laid out the night before.

Usually he was in charge of watching the younger ones now that he was almost all grown up like his older brothers, but not today. Despite their clambering and begging, she was firm, “It’s Javier’s special day and this is the only thing he wanted for his birthday. You can go out later when he returns.” And before he was even out the door, they’d already found another diversion for their short attention spans.

The sea welcomed him as the waves splashed over his toes. He took a deep breath drawing in the salt sea smell and closing his eyes. It was a cloudy, but warm day and only a few others were on the beach. He ambled to the far end of the beach, waiting until he got to his destination, a huge rock that was part of a cove. Sitting down in the cove, he wrapped his gangly arms around his knees and greeted his best friend for the first time out loud and not in whispers, his habit when his brothers were around.

He’d learned long ago that you always greeted God with a thank you and he knew he had much to be grateful for. Gratitude had been instilled in him from the moment he could speak a single word. So, he thanked the sea for bringing him to this milestone in his young life. But he couldn’t hold back his impatience, his desire to make his lifelong wish come true.

So he murmured his thoughts, his questions, his prayers….nothing particularly new, but in a voice the sea had never heard before. Why couldn’t he be like the child stars he saw on TV? Not that he wanted to be an actor, but if it got his foot in the door to a career in singing he’d do almost anything to get there. But that wasn’t going to happen here, in this city by the sea. He had to get to CDMX somehow. But he kept this thoughts buried deep inside because he knew everyone would laugh at him, would tolerate what they saw as childish dreams that he would surely outgrow. And yet….

He knew one of his brothers was living in CDMX. And he knew he was trying to make a living as a singer/songwriter, although no one had actually told him this. Not even his sister, his closest confidante. He’d heard it in muted conversations between his mama and papa. He knew that his brothers and sisters had been sworn to secrecy by the way they seemed to hold their breath any time Rodrigo’s name was mentioned. He’d just left one day and never returned, although there was the occasional letter.

But Rodrigo had been 18 when he left. He’d finished school. There was nothing and no one to stop him from seeking a future wherever he desired. He’d left, just like that, but not before he’d taken Javier aside one day as they walked the beach together. “Javi,” the only one of his brothers who called him by the name he’d chosen for himself, “I want to give you something before I leave.” Leave? Why was he leaving? But Javi already knew the answer to that. Where was he going? He thought he knew the answer to that, too, but waited patiently for Rodrigo to continue.

“I want you to take this,” he said as he handed Javi a piece of paper with an address and phone number scribbled on it. “Look, I know you’re only nine, but if you ever need to get in touch with me, you can find me here.” he emphasized, jabbing a finger at the information on the paper. “Javi….don’t let them keep you here. Follow your dreams. Listen to the sea,” Javi almost gasped. Of course he knew that his siblings were aware of his obsession with the sea, but…no one had ever taken him seriously when he said the sea spoke to him. Not knowing what to say, he remained silent, hiding the precious piece of paper in a pocket until he got home.

And now he cried out to the sea in his clear, clean voice. “Is it time yet?” He giggled at his question. And the sea replied with a crash of waves to the shore, but in Javi’s mind it was the sound of future applause.

Of course, he knew the answer he longed for, but was surprised when the sea replied, “It’s time, Javi.” It is? he thought, but……”I don’t understand….” Even he knew that he couldn’t pack his bags and leave for CDMX at his age, not even with a brother to take him in. Despite his brother’s encouragement before he left, Rodrigo would just send him home and repeat the words he’d heard so many times, “You’re too young, Javier. Not yet, Javier.” And then of course he would have revealed the secret place where his brother was living. Neither of them could risk that.

He sighed. He started to question the sea again, but was shushed, as the sea proceeded to tell him of his destiny for the first time. It was everything that Javi had imagined….hoped for….and more. It was scary, too. The sea spoke of uncertainty, of fear, of times when he’d want to give up.

But the sea also reminded him of his past and his present. The words preparation, determination, persistence and work……words the sea had never mentioned before would become a mantra for young Javi. Finally, the sea was quiet again. When Javi was sure the sea was done, he murmured a simple thank you and then stood, chasing the waves, reaching for the sand and tossing it into the air with joy, his thank you becoming a shout of recurrent gratitude as he ran home. He couldn’t wait to record what the sea had told him in the journal he kept well hidden, buried under clothes and boxes in a bedroom closet.

“It’s time, Javi,” and more. Those three words were as precious as the words, “I love you.” And so time moved forward and so did Javi….using the stepping stones of preparation, determination, persistence and work longing and waiting for the day when the sea would again say, “It’s time, Javi.”

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WRITE ON!

WELCOME HOME

Chris colfer, Glee, Movie posters

CREATIVE CHALLENGE

Prompt: The “other guy”

Let’s talk about Adam and Elliot. How do you think the relationship Kurt had with Adam and friendship Kurt had with Elliot may have affected the relationship between Kurt and Blaine? What do you think would have happened if any confrontations happened between these men either before, after or during the breakups and reunions that happened between Blaine and Kurt in the show?

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Adam glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand, not having to wonder what Kurt was cooking up in the kitchen. The smell was heavenly and he was hoping that Kurt would want to have breakfast in bed.

They’d been together for about six months or so and Kurt almost always stayed at his place on Friday night, but Adam still couldn’t shake the feeling that someone else was always sharing the space of his apartment and his bed with Kurt.

At first he’d thought it was because Kurt was still on the rebound. Adam had gone into this relationship with what he thought was eyes wide open, but hoping that with a little more time he’d get past it…..get past him. Kurt had been very open and honest about Blaine, at first anyway. He hadn’t been just his first love. He’d been Kurt’s first everything. He’d explained very matter-of-factly that Blaine had been his best friend as well. Oh, people often said that about their partners, but Kurt really meant it, which made it doubly difficult to get over him.

And that was the real problem. Much as Kurt protested that he was, in fact, over Blaine and ready for a new relationship with Adam, Adam wasn’t convinced. Before they’d met, at least according to Kurt, they’d maintained some contact – on holidays, texting, maybe even seeing him when he went home for visits to Lima. But he’d assured Adam that once he’d met him he’d ended all of that and rarely spoke of that decision. But just because a person wasn’t visible or on the other end of a phone call or text didn’t mean that he wasn’t still in Kurt’s heart or mind and he knew it.

He loved the way Kurt was such a considerate lover. Sometimes he’d say, “Adam, I know I haven’t told you I love you yet, but those words are just too important. Look, I know you think I’m still not over Blaine, that I’m still in love with him, but I’m not! Please believe that.” But he was so adamant, it was as if he was trying to convince himself more than Adam. Adam would simply nod his head, wrap his arms around Kurt and hold him close, hoping that someday he might even believe it.

He longed to hear those precious words, but not if they weren’t absolutely true. Kurt was right in that respect, they were far too important. He sighed and rolled onto his side just as Kurt walked through the door, both trays on one arm, carefully placing one tray on the desk, then the other. He claimed he’d learned that trick working as a waiter, but it still always managed to get a laugh from Adam.

His burden laid down, he sat down on the bed and leaned over to give Adam a good morning kiss. Adam was so steady, so solid, without being boring. They had a lot in common besides their participation in Adam’s theatre group, Adam’s Apples. They loved movies and on the weekends made New York their own personal playground, searching for anything free to enjoy, some of the museums, music festivals, concerts in the park.

After handing Adam his tray, he took his own and arranged himself on the bed beside him, taking one of his hands and squeezing it. “I really love spending time here. It’s so quiet….no roommates watching TV or playing their music too loud. No one interrupting what you’re doing.” Adam contemplated the words, trying not to jump to the ultimate conclusion they always invoked. It wasn’t the first time Kurt had said that. Was he hinting? Was he just making an obvious observation? Adam had always backed away from those words, so tempting, but…. He was afraid that if he brought up the topic of Kurt’s moving in, he’d end up disappointed and possibly putting up a road block in their already tenuous relations. That’s exactly how Adam felt most of the time. Like Kurt had one foot planted in Adam’s apartment and the other outside the door, his back pack in the hall ready to leave.

“Go on, Adam, eat those eggs before they get cold,” Kurt coaxed. Returning to the present, Adam took a bite of the scrambled eggs, took a deep breath, and decided it was now or never. “Kurt, you’ve said that I don’t know how many times….so why don’t you just move in?”

Kurt stopped chewing his toast and took a sip of orange juice. He wanted to say yes so badly! And he knew he’d expressed his love of the time he spent at Adam’s often enough that Adam would logically conclude that he would want to move in. Yet, something always held him back. The semi-permanence of living together was another step into a future with Adam and a huge step in putting Blaine in the past where he belonged.

Was he still in love with Blaine? Was he still actually hoping for a future with him? He didn’t know. Blaine was living with Dave Karofsky of all people. If that wasn’t a sign of moving on, nothing else was!

“Adam, don’t think the thought hasn’t crossed my mind….like a million times or so. I love being with you, around you. I love the way we seem to fit together. You’re almost always available to talk….and maybe more importantly listen. You seem to know the difference between making love and having sex….and I love both, by the way….”

“And I sense a but,” Adam said, not taking his eyes off of Kurt. “Kurt, I’ll be blunt although it’s killing me to ask this, but it needs to be said. Are you still in love with Blaine? And more to the point, if you had a choice between laying here next to me or waking up to Blaine, what would you choose? You need to answer those questions for yourself before we even take living together seriously.”

“And you’re not ready to hear this either, but it’s time for me to say it. I love you! I feel complete when I’m with you…but Blaine?” he stopped, unsure of what to say next and then blurted, “Kurt, I can’t compete with a fantasy.”

Kurt nodded slowly, acknowledging what Adam said to be true and then raised his eyes with a steady gaze. “Adam, you’re right, and even though it may not seem like it, I have been thinking about those things….for six months I’ve been thinking about those things. I hope that tells you that I take our relationship seriously.”

He stopped, trying to gather his thoughts while Adam fought with himself not to interrupt. “What I feel for you…..what I…..well, it gets stronger every single day. I’ll admit that in the beginning I was probably using you to help me forget about….him…um, about Blaine. But, I really did like you then. I wanted to be able to say I love you, but everything was still too….raw.”

He glanced down at his hands and gently placed one of them on Adam’s cheek. “I know I’m not saying this very well. What I’m trying to say is I’m not looking for a replacement for Blaine. I wasn’t then and I’m not now, but….I’ve never asked, what was your first love like?”

Adam gulped. He’d been waiting for Kurt to ask this question, and still wasn’t prepared for it, “Kurt, you ARE my first love. Yeah, you know I’ve had relationships before but nothing like this.”

“Oh,” was all that Kurt could manage. A little flustered he tried to continue his train of thought. “I don’t want to feel for anyone else what I felt for Blaine,” he said, emphasizing the word felt. How did he say this without making it sound like Adam was some sort of consolation prize?

“It took me ages to tell Blaine that I loved him. Those words mean so much and they can never be taken back. Here’s what I love about you, Adam, about us. I feel happy and comfortable with you, but not like an old shoe or something. More like a breath of fresh air, I guess. And when we make love? I’m…..how do I put this? I’m at ease, I guess. I’m not always wondering if it was good enough or feel like I have to constantly be thinking of new ways to please you and vice versa. I’m not saying we’re boring. I guess what I’m saying is I’m not always focused on the performance. I’m focused on just showing you how I feel. And, most of the time you’re a very attentive lover.”

“Most of the time?” Adam sort of chuckled. “Well, no one’s perfect….except for me, of course,” Kurt replied, breaking the tension a little.

“And after the way Blaine and I….ended. I can’t go through that again. You make me feel like I can depend on you, Adam. Blaine and I were so young and immature….” Adam thought to himself, like 23 is old and wise? But he didn’t say it.

“And no…..I don’t want to wake up next to Blaine or fall asleep next to him and I’m not still in love with him, but there is a part of me that will always love him. I doubt that will ever change, but I don’t want it…I can’t let it interfere with us.”

“If you can deal with all of that until I’m ready to say I love you then my answer is, yes, I’d love to move in with you. I’d love to wake up to you every morning and fall asleep with you every night. I’d love breakfast in bed and making love to you in the middle of the night or day or morning. I’m ready for that, but…..”

Adam took the hand caressing his cheek, kissed it and placed them both on the comforter beside them. “I think I want to try it. I mean, if it doesn’t work out it will break my heart, but you’ve always been honest with me. And I do understand what you’re saying. Now, the big question is do we eat this breakfast cold or do we have that morning sex you were talking about and then go over to the Broken Egg to celebrate our new upcoming living arrangement?”

Kurt laughed, moved his tray to the floor, reached for Adam’s and did the same. Playfully pushing Adam back onto the messy blankets, he kissed him without closing his eyes, wanting him to see that he not only meant the kiss, but hoped that his answer was yes to his next question. “Is this answer enough for you?”

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WRITE ON!

STILL CHRISTIAN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS….AND WHY

SUBTITLE: FROM A CHRISTIAN FAN FICTION WRITER – A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS? AN OXYMORON? YOU DECIDE.

This is the first of what I’ve chosen to call WRITE ON! The holiday season brought what follows to mind. I wrote it a few years ago more for myself than anyone else. I’m not sharing it to proselytize. Not to convince you that what I believe is something you should believe. And certainly not to make you uncomfortable. I share it because it’s a part of me, the writer.

Many may question my faith by virtue of the type of fan fiction I write. The videos that I share. The pictures that accompany my chapters. To be honest, I occasionally question what I’m doing within the context of my Christian beliefs. But I have to question my faith, my actions, my words whether they be written or spoken, sometimes daily, to help me grow as a human.

Sadly, (I think) I do not share my fan fiction with family or friends. They certainly wouldn’t find it acceptable. I often hear their voices in my head trying to convince me that I’m shaming my faith, the church, and Jesus himself. There are only two people offline who know about my writings and, I suppose, not surprisingly, they are much younger than me and are disillusioned with the church as a whole at the moment.


SUBTITLE: FROM A CHRISTIAN FAN FICTION WRITER – A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS? AN OXYMORON? YOU DECIDE.

This is the first of what I’ve chosen to call WRITE ON! The holiday season brought what follows to mind. I wrote it a few years ago more for myself than anyone else. I’m not sharing it to proselytize. Not to convince you that what I believe is something you should believe. And certainly not to make you uncomfortable. I share it because it’s a part of me, the writer.

Many may question my faith by virtue of the type of fan fiction I write. The videos that I share. The pictures that accompany my chapters. To be honest, I occasionally question what I’m doing within the context of my Christian beliefs. But I have to question my faith, my actions, my words whether they be written or spoken, sometimes daily, to help me grow as a human.

Having said all that, I wish you all very happy holidays whichever ones you may celebrate! Christmas is celebrated for many reasons, but in the end it all comes down to what Jesus taught…in a single word, LOVE!

STILL CHRISTIAN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS…AND WHY

I have been a follower of Christ for 26 years. I was not born into a family that practiced any religion, but we observed all the Christian holidays, so in that sense I had at a peripheral knowledge of Jesus, the man. When I stop to think about what I profess to believe it sounds pretty ridiculous, a man born a Jew proclaimed he was the Son of God, the Messiah, God in the flesh (REALLY????).

Jesus lived a short life and for about 3 years of it centered his proclamations and teachings around a small area surrounding Jerusalem, he did everything possible to provoke the leaders of the Jewish faith. He offered them nothing they wanted. They already had power. If they wanted their Messiah at all, they wanted a conquering, Rome-defeating Messiah to restore more of their power to what they felt was its rightful place.

Jesus said that was not why he came and refused to play their game. In the end, the power-hungry Jewish leaders used the power-hungry Romans to kill him, and this is where Jesus decided to play their game. (HUH???? REALLY???) He prophesied he would die a horrifying death, be buried and rise again 3 days later (OH, PLEEEAAASE!). He did this to conquer sin and death for all humans, not just those who choose to believe.

Because he was resurrected, rose again and was seen by many for 40 days after, he proved that the humans he died for would live after death – the afterlife.

Yes, that is what I believe, but I didn’t always believe that. As I said, it sounds pretty ridiculous if you don’t believe it. How did I come to this point? My pastor used a good illustration. When we are born, whether we like it or not, we are handed a script to live by.

In America, that script usually goes something like this. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, the pursuit of further education, more money, and a family, whatever that family may look like. Most of us spend our lives running in a rat race, following other power-hungry people who provide us with “good” jobs leading to houses with mortgages, debt, cars and all forms of things which in our culture represent “happiness” even if the pursuit ruins our health and our sanity.

Of course, not everyone in America lives or thinks this way, but the way most of us live here is a variation on that theme; even we Christians get sucked into this anxiety-ridden way of life. If Christians look at what we truly believe is the way we should be living, it should look nothing like the above scenario.

We follow a Savior who had no permanent residence, no mode of travel other than on foot or by donkey, shared meals and lives with all kinds of people, rich, poor, sick, young, old, even LGBTQ, etc., who delivered the above “ridiculous” message and then did the most sacrificial thing one can do for another. He offered up his life for all humans.

I came to this point of belief by living the above-described American life and through illness and a time of long self-assessment discovered that I didn’t even remotely like what I saw and needed to rethink the whole stinkin’ mess!

I gave God an opening and He took it. Why Christianity, as ridiculous as it sounds? My faith teaches about a God who comes to me not the other way around. He wanted me long before I ever wanted Him. A God who stoops so low as to become one of His own creatures and then goes through the door of the thing we fear the most (death) to show us how deep His love goes. No other faith, belief system, religion teaches that.

There have been many times I thought of walking away, but I can’t or won’t. Without a true relationship with my Creator, I have nothing but the same old life I had with no truth in it, just a bunch of ideas I create for myself. Self-worship just doesn’t make anyone “happy.”

There are days I wonder why I believe what I believe or even if I believe; faith is what I must rely on, which also brings me to the Church. The Church is just a body of believers who struggle with life and because they struggle just like I do, they become a support system. Of course, there are times when the people we struggle with are more a hindrance than a help, but I’ve already got that anyway with those who don’t believe as I do, so why give up on the one place that helps me 99% of the time?

No, I cannot reduce Jesus to four simple steps in a pamphlet, a bumper sticker, a particular book or to 3 bullet points on an overhead. I cannot force anyone to believe nor do I want to try. I can only keep on keepin’ on and follow the foot steps.