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WILD WORLD

CHAPTER 7 – OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW NORMAL

“I love you, too, Kurt,” Blaine replied with a smile in his voice, “Yes, I’ll text you tonight, you know I will,” he answered when Kurt asked. He texted him every night, not denying either of them the connection they both needed no matter how tenuous it sometimes seemed. He knew Kurt just needed a little reassurance. At the moment it was as if Blaine had the upper hand, at least in Kurt’s eyes, because Kurt was the one who felt guilty even though he’d done nothing wrong. Stupid? Yes, perhaps it was stupid…okay, really stupid, but not wrong.

Ever since Blaine and his dad had boarded the overcrowded jet bound for Europe, he couldn’t seem to flip the switch in his brain that would allow him to stop scrutinizing every possible scenario, every word, every potential reaction and response to the conversation he knew lay ahead when he returned home. There was no choice and he couldn’t allow himself to use the excuses he had in the past. His overburdened conscience wouldn’t allow his secret to lie dormant anymore. Sometimes he’d still try to negotiate with himself asking what good it would do to tell him? Wasn’t he being selfish…even cruel knowing the unnecessary pain his revelation might cause? And all because he wanted to clear his own conscience?

He’d somehow hoped that it was something he’d never have to share with anyone and especially not Kurt. At the time, he’d tried to convince himself that it hadn’t been all that significant, at least not for him. Why had he thought that just because it hadn’t meant anything to him….not really, he kept telling himself….. that it wouldn’t haunt him or affect his relationship with Kurt? Back then, he’d rationalized his actions by telling himself he was just doing a favor for a friend? Really Blaine? A favor for a friend was loaning them money to pay the rent. It was giving them a ride when their car broke down. THAT was doing a favor! A far cry from what he’d allowed himself to do for the sake of friendship.

And here he was in Paris with his dad, the one person in the world that he’d never been able to discuss anything of significance with. He didn’t even have his counselor available to him unless he wanted to discuss this over the phone, which of course he absolutely did not! He should have told Dr. Milton about it a long time ago, but it seemed sort of embarassing and silly until the night when he’d discovered Kurt and Clay lying on the livingroom floor. He’d reacted without thinking, assuming the worst. And yet, Kurt kept trying to reassure him that his reaction was not an over-reaction, it was normal! Calling 911 was logical….and what if they really had been injured or even dead? He wouldn’t have wanted Blaine to have done anything other than what he had. Just because in the end it was simply a matter of too much to drink and mistaken conclusions didn’t mean he’d over-reacted. But once all the craziness had died down, the secret and accompanying guilt seemed to come out of hiding with a vengeance and wouldn’t leave him alone for even a second.

Every time Kurt or Clay tried to have an honest conversation with him, he did his best to end it or avoid it, saying things like “there’s nothing to discuss because nothing happened” or “it’s okay, just give me some time” or other meaningless lies…because if nothing had happened and everything was okay none of them would have been in the middle of the dilemma they found themselves in. Clay thinking he should move out, Kurt crying in the middle of the night when he thought Blaine was sound asleep.

He kept hoping it would just all die a natural death with time, that life would go back to some semblance of normal. Then, maybe he could delete it from his memory, as if it was simply a redundant paragraph in the story of his life. Like his conscience was computer-driven or something. Like he could just turn it off and reboot his life or at least that part of it. How he wished!

At the time, it hadn’t really felt like cheating or that’s what he kept telling himself. He tried to forget about their conversations and he’d succeeded for the most part. But, he knew better. Every time they’d talked about it, they’d talked around his relationship with Kurt, hardly ever mentioning his name. So, if they didn’t even want to mention his name surely that was an indication that at least he should have named it as wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

He glanced down at the screensaver on his phone. It was one of his favorite photos. Kurt in that sexy black outfit he was wearing the night Blaine had proposed to him. He loved him so much! In hindsight, he knew he should have discussed this with Kurt long before he let it go so far. It’s not like he hadn’t known about it before he even met Kurt. Kurt was always so logical. He would have put it in perspective, probably grabbing a pad of paper and listing all the pros and cons. Blaine half-smiled at that…he couldn’t picture anyone but Kurt making a list surrounding this particular topic. Who was he kidding? Kurt would have thought he’d lost his mind!

“Are you ready, Blaine?” his dad asked interrupting his thoughts. They’d spent the last two days taking their time seeing all the major sites in Paris, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Cathedrale Notre-Dame. Today, they were going to meander some out-of-the way places and shops that other tourists had told them about. Despite everything, he was truly enjoying this trip. Sure, sometimes he’d catch a glimpse of the old Laine, the one he could never call dad, but he knew his father…correction, Laine, his dad, was really trying. And he felt that if his dad could push aside what used to be their nonrelationship and work toward the present and future, he could, too. There’d been a time not so long ago when even the idea of doing something so touristy as wandering through shops in Paris would have sounded as ridiculous as Blaine wearing a coat and tie to go to a job at the hospital where Laine worked.

“Sure, dad, just give me a second,” he said getting up from the corner chair and heading toward his bedroom to change into a polo and out of his T-shirt. Laine watched him go wanting to ask what was on his mind. He wasn’t blind or deaf for that matter. He knew that Blaine was texting someone regularly, often hearing Blaine laughing in his room. And he knew there was the occasional call and he doubted he was calling Barb and trying so hard to hide it from Laine. But their relationship, although becoming more solid he thought, was still fragile He couldn’t think of a way to ask Blaine what was bothering him without him trying to drop it with the word, “Nothing.” Or the phrase, “Just a little tired.”

He’d seemed preoccupied ever since before they’d stepped on the plane in New York. At first, Laine had put it down to Blaine just being a little nervous taking this long trip with his father, a father who had never been there for him up until he and Barb had divorced. And perhaps that was true in the beginning, but it had been a little over a month since they’d arrived in Europe with an itinerary jam-packed full of places to go and sites to see. And as far as he could tell Blaine seemed pretty relaxed with him by now.

“Okay, ready,” Blaine said, appearing eager to get the show on the road. He was determined not to waste this time with his dad, knowing he might never have the opportunity to spend this much time with Laine again, much less go on a two-month tour of Europe. He couldn’t change the future, so he purposefully willed his thoughts to the present.

Kurt disconnected the call and leaned back in the livingroom chair, stretching his arms above his head. Burt had left for work early and Carole had gone to lunch with her book club. He only talked with Blaine once a week because it was a little more costly than he was comfortable with. Until Kurt was done with college, Burt had agreed to pay his cell phone bill and Kurt wasn’t going to take advantage of the gift.

Blaine seemed to be having a good time and, surprisingly, he said he was even getting closer to Laine than he thought he ever would. He said they’d at least broken through the conversation barrier of sports and school. Laine had shared more about his childhood. Things about the grandparents he rarely saw and sometimes he was sure he heard a touch of regret in Laine’s voice. He knew that he wasn’t close to his family and since Laine had always been so distant with him, it sort of made sense. What Blaine hadn’t known was that his dad’s future had basically been planned for him from the day he took his first breath.

Blaine was still a little uncomfortable asking Laine questions, but he wondered what he would have chosen to do with his life if he’d felt he had the ability to choose. Blaine couldn’t think of anything more boring than being a businessman like his dad. He guessed he should be thankful in some convoluted way that Laine had put so much distance between them that he didn’t seem to care what Blaine wanted to do with his life, other than not wanting him to choose entertainment as his life’s work. So far that hadn’t come up as a topic for discussion and he was hoping they could avoid it, period.

Kurt heard the front door close and peeked around the corner to see if it was Burt or Carole. It had been a long time, but sometimes he even expected it to be Finn momentarily forgetting that Finn would never walk through that door again. Burt waved at Kurt on his way to the fridge to grab a cold beer. It was the usual hot as hell Ohio July and he’d been thinking about that beer ever since he’d realized he could leave work early. “Want something?” he asked, turning his head as he bent over the refrigerator door. “Sure! A Diet Coke would be nice,” Kurt replied placing his phone on the coffee table.

“So what have you been up to today?” Burt asked, knowing that Kurt had a day off from his job at one of the local clothing stores. “Just hanging around here. It’s just too hot and humid out there,” which Burt could hardly disagree with. “I just talked to Blaine.” “And?” Burt lifted an eyebrow. “He seems to be having a great time.” He sighed, “And if I hadn’t screwed up so badly I might have been there with him.”

Kurt hadn’t held back in his telling of the fiasco that had taken place in New York last spring. And telling Kurt for what seemed like the hundredth time that what had happened was just one collosal mistake wouldn’t change anything. Kurt had to work this out on his own. And so did Blaine for that matter. He actually thought the break the two of them had sort of been forced to take would turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Ever since Kurt had told him that Blaine had proposed and he’d said yes, he’d been a little concerned. Sure, they’d been together for four years, so he couldn’t say they were rushing anything, but as hard as this particular dilemma was for Kurt and Blaine, he believed the time apart would do them good. He knew it didn’t sound logical, especially since they’d spent so much time apart when Kurt moved to New York and Blaine had remained in Lima to finish high school, but that was before they’d taken the giant step of living together. That was an entirely different ball game.

“Kurt, I know this is easy for me to say, but you need to be patient. And what you’re feeling is normal under the circumstances…and I know none of that helps. Have you two discussed what you’re going to do when he returns? It’s only about three weeks away. Are the four of you just going to move back in together and see what happens? Are you going to meet beforehand to decide your next move? This isn’t just about you and Blaine, although I’m sure sometimes it feels that way. What about Rachel and Clay?”

Kurt didn’t have an answer, not that he hadn’t thought about it. He’d made plans to get together with Clay and Rachel the following week, but he didn’t know what to do about a conversation with Blaine. He didn’t want to do it via text or a phone call, but Blaine was getting home only a few days before school started again and he thought they really needed to have their living arrangements settled before then. It’s not like they couldn’t change them if….he didn’t want to think about if so he stalled and told Burt about his plans to meet the other two. God! All he wanted was for things to go back to normal, back to the way they’d been before “that night.” “Can we talk about something else?” he asked Burt, his eyes begging him to say yes.

How could she have been so selfish? That’s what it really boiled down to, didn’t it? Putting her desires, her wants over his? He’d never, ever kept a secret from her, at least that she was aware of. Of course she’d known about his boyfriend, his soul mate. Back then, she’d been his best friend! And they were still friends, they still talked and texted, just not as often as they once did. He’d been right! She’d found her own soul mate and they were engaged now.

The wedding…that’s all she seemed able to think about. She still had two years of college to go, but they’d met their freshman year. Neither wanted to wait any longer. They hadn’t taken the path so common these days of moving in together before they got married. Sure, they’d had overnights together but the idea of setting up their future home was one of the many fun surprises they were sure awaited them after they said, I do. Willfully, drawing her thoughts back to the issue she’d set aside this time to examine, she zeroed in on the initial frantic conversation they’d had.

He’d called her a few months ago in a panic and after she’d finally calmed him down to get the full story, her heart sank. What was he going to do? he’d asked, the ache in his voice evident. At first she’d tried to avoid the question, insisting he didn’t have to do anything. After this long why should it even matter? In the grand scheme of things….but he wasn’t living in the grand scheme of things; he was living in the here and now!

After the initial shock of the tale that he told and having time and space to mull it over…to let it sink into her psyche just as he had had to do….she now knew just how much it mattered. Back then, at 16?….amazing what a couple short years could do for a person’s maturity….the significance eluded her. After all, she was a girl….so why should it be a big deal? That’s what she told herself. That’s what she’d used as a tool to convince him that no one would care.

And now here she sat thinking about how utterly stupid that sounded. If no one would care and if it wasn’t a big deal then why had they felt the need to hide it in the first place? How could I have been such a manipulative bitch?

And so dismissive of his predicament, “It was just a silly mistake. It’s not like they planned it! People get drunk and stupid comes with the territory, doesn’t it?” she said, not even realizing that she might have been describing their own lack of good sense just a few years ago. But…..they hadn’t really been drunk by the time they did what they did. She’d told herself that it didn’t matter, always coming back to the fact that she was a girl.

“Yes….” he’d said with a frustrated sigh, “but the point is nothing happened! They’re walking around feeling guilty as hell for something that never even happened! Me on the other hand? We both know something really, really happened!”

She didn’t like it at all, but she had to at least acknowledge that she got what he was saying. She didn’t want to….but she did. Somewhat reluctantly she ventured, “Okay, I get it…..and I’m sorry I put you in this position….what can I do to make it right?”

“You? Why should you be the only one to make it right….fuck! Why should you shoulder all of the responsibility? I don’t even know if it can be made right, fixed, patched….what a mess.”

“Look, he already knows me, right? It’s not like I’m some stranger.” Although he might wish that she was by the time all of this was said and done. “If you think it will help, we can do this together. And I don’t know if this’ll make any difference, but I didn’t know him back then; I’d never met him. All I knew was what you’d told me, right?”

He was quiet long enough for her thoughts to catch up with what she was saying. Yeah, that was all he’d talked about back then. How much he was in love with the guy, describing him over and over even though he’d shown her the pictures on his phone a million times. But when it came to their quiet talks about what she was asking of him? They’d both avoided his name…..like if they didn’t actually claim him as a person, a sort of participant even? that it made everything okay. She may have been 16 and immature but she wasn’t an idiot. He’d been trying to tell her no, he couldn’t, he didn’t want to because he was in love…..selfish! She’d been so damn selfish! She could almost hear the wheedling tone in her voice at the time.

Now that she saw it from the back side of 16, she was actually somewhat surprised he was even still speaking to her! He could have very easily blamed her but when she’d insisted it was all her fault, he said, “I wasn’t a child who didn’t know how to say no! You were…still are….one of my best friends. Remember we kept saying we wouldn’t let it change us and our friendship? No regrets, remember?….And it didn’t change our friendship and I’m grateful for that….but it changed me….it changed me,” she could hear the beginning of tears in his voice.

And now she was crying, more for him than for herself. Finally, making an attempt to clear her throat, she said, “All the more reason that we should talk to him together! If you’re determined to tell him anyway at least let me help.” Would it help? he thought. Honestly, he couldn’t see how it would make a difference one way or the other…but she was right, he was determined to tell him. “Let me think about it.” he replied, “and we’ll keep in touch in the meantime?” sounding like he might doubt that they would. “Of course,” she reassured him, “you shouldn’t even have to ask that.”

And they had stayed in touch finally coming to the conclusion that it was a 50/50 shot, it might help or it might not and just as he was determined to tell him, she was just as determined that he wouldn’t have to do this alone.

Clay felt like a piece in a Chinese puzzle, a tile being pushed and pulled against his will, not knowing if the unidentified player would ever slip him into the slot where he belonged. And it had absolutely nothing to do with his far-flung room mates or solving the issue of their future living arrangements. In fact, right now he longed for that problem when compared with what he was up against now.

His heart was breaking and swelling with unresolved love all at the same time….and he was scared to death. It had been a month since the phone call.

He’d just started to get used to being alone in their great big loft and it felt good. Whether it would still be “their” loft come fall wasn’t something the universe had made him privy to. What he did know is that there was no elephant in any of the rooms now, just lots of breathing space. He’d even had a couple of guys over, a nice change of pace from always having to go to their place. And he hadn’t met anyone yet that he wanted to spend the future with, but then again he wasn’t looking. After the blowup with Kurt and Blaine, he wasn’t sure anymore that a partnership (his new word for relationship) was something he even wanted. Especially since he still felt guilty for the part he’d played that had created the whole sticky situation in the first place. Yeah, yeah, he thought to himself, no matter what Blaine or anyone else said, he’d played a part and ridding himself of the guilt would take more time.

So when his phone rang, unusual in and of itself since texting was his usual mode of communication…..and then when he saw the all-too-familiar number he was glad he’d been sitting down. Damn! He should have blocked it long ago….but he just hadn’t had the heart to do it. He realized as he continued to stare at it that he’d been living in a perpetual state of “what if.” What if circumstances had changed? What if things hadn’t worked out? What if he was needed? For what, he didn’t know, but he was done with playing what if. He’d block it tonight….right after he decided whether to answer…..or not.

His commonsense told him not to answer it…..to block it…right now.!…but his mind wasn’t cooperating with his body as he answered with a simple, but flat, “Yeah.” “Hi, Clay,” the voice said hesitantly almost as if he was afraid Clay would hang up, “How are you doing?” How was he doing? He fought the urge to actually answer the question honestly while at the same time fighting the urge to hang up before he said something he would most assuredly regret. “Fine, what do you want.” There was no change in inflection….and there wouldn’t be. He wanted this conversation done. “Um….we need to talk,” the words rushed from the phone and into Clay’s ear. “Why?” Clay continued with his monosyllabic responses, his voice sounding tight and strained.

Clay heard a deep sigh and then, “Look, I understand if you don’t want to ever see or hear from me again,” Clay’s mind screamed, You got that right!, “but it’s important, really important,” the voice emphasized, “but….not over the phone, um…..can I just come over? I promise I won’t take up much of your time.” No way in hell he was going to meet him here! Talk about letting temptation reign! Although right now the only thing he was tempted to do was deck him! Okay, fine, great! Whatever it was, he’d hear him out and then make it clear that he never wanted to hear from him ever again, not in this life! “Okay,” his voice still as taut as a guitar string, “how about we meet at The Panther in an hour?” “Yeah, of course……and thanks, Clay, really, thanks.” he replied as if he was unable to disconnect himself from Clay’s voice.

God! Why was he doing this? Putting himself right in the line of fire once again. Exposing himself to opening a wound that he now realized had never really closed, no matter how many times he tried to tell himself it had – even after all this time. At least it was a Friday night! Yes, The Panther would be busy, but maybe that meant they wouldn’t linger over this conversation or whatever it was going to be, and once it was done? He could sit at the bar and drown himself in his sorrows, maybe find a hookup and come back here to hopefully forget the whole thing had happened.

The wall of noise hit him like a force field as he pushed on the heavy doors of The Panther. This was one of his favorite hangouts….and now he wondered if suggesting it as a meeting place was a big mistake. He didn’t want to be reminded every time he came here about this…whatever this was going to be. Oh, well, too late now, let’s suck it up and get this over with. He looked around trying to spot him in one of the booths lining the walls or at one of the tables scattered throughout the room. And then….there he was, but there was someone sitting across from him. What was this? Was he really so cold and crass as to want to introduce him to his new boyfriend…and why? Oh, what the hell, he thought, here we go.

“Hey!” he yelled over the noise, not meaning to sound angry….did he sound angry? And why should I care! He gathered his courage and looked him straight in the eye, but not daring to speak his name. “Oh, hi Clay!” he said as he started to motion to his table companion, “This is…” “Hi, I’m Rick…and I was just leaving. Just catching up is all.” Rick quickly slid across the booth and was gone.

“You’re looking good, Clay!” “Uh…thanks,” he replied not in the mood for small talk or discussing his looks. And as if on cue, the waiter arrived and took his drink order, Heinekin. “So, what’s so important?” He wasn’t going to prolong this.

“Clay, I’m really sorry about….” “No! We’ve already had this discussion more times than I care to remember, so what’s going on?” He wasn’t really surprised by Clay’s reaction to his call. He knew he’d hurt him deeply but at the time he’d felt he had no choice….and maybe he’d done it all wrong, but at the time…well? “Okay, look, it’s obvious you’re not going to cut me any slack,” he said with a half-smile and then looked at Clay’s steely, emotionless eyes, “so….okay…..Clay…” there was no good way to say this and if he took too long he was honestly afraid Clay would just leave before he had a chance to get the words out, “when I broke up with you….I was sick….” The shock and confusion on Clay’s face was not at all unexpected; he’d played this conversation over and over like a broken record on a turntable in his brain. “Sick? As in ill? But what’s that got to do with……you don’t have AIDS…do you?” Now his face turned to frightened. The first thing every gay man thought of when someone said they were “sick.” And yes there’d been tons of advancements in treatment over the years and it wasn’t the killer it had been in the late 20th Century, but it still struck fear into his heart.

“No, Clay, not AIDS,” he almost laughed but managed to stop himself when he saw the look of horror on Clay’s face. “No….um, I had cancer…..testicular cancer….stage III testicular cancer. I’m okay now….but…” Clay felt like he was a gigantic wave crashing into the shore on a sea of emotions. He’d literally flattened his body against the back of the booth, his fingers gripping the edge of the table, as if he was trying to get his bearings in an unfamiliar environment.

Finally he leaned into the table and almost whispered, “you broke up with me because you had cancer? What kind of sense does that make! That’s when you would need me the most, don’t ya think?” He knew he should have some sympathy for him, but it seemed that any sympathy he might have felt had washed out with the tide and all that was left on the shore was a seething anger.

“Clay,….I…..I wasn’t thinking straight….I didn’t want to put you through the months of chemo or radiation….and at the time no matter what they told me I was sure I was going to die. I’m in remission now and the doctors tell me chances are good I’ll live a normal life….I told them I never had before,” he sort of laughed, trying to make light of it.

Clay leaned back in the booth again noticing that the waiter had come and gone somewhere in the midst of his entire life being turned on its head. His beer had arrived. He took a long swallow, closed his eyes, tried to take a deep breath without choking and then turned his attention back to the conversation. “I don’t know what to say. Of course I’m sorry you have…had?” he shook his head, “whatever, cancer, and I’m sorry you went through all that alone, but part of me is mad as hell! So, you had cancer, you don’t anymore, you’ll probably live to be a hundred….why are you telling me this now?”

Tentatively, a hand was offered across the table, trying to take one of Clay’s hands in his, his frightened eyes tearing up, “Because I never stopped loving you and….I want you back, Clay.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Clay couldn’t seem to hold in the anger that he wanted to be rid of. He wanted to take the hand that offered him love and a second chance. He wanted to profess his love just as easily….but it was as if those words were no longer in his vocabulary. “You never stopped loving me….but you couldn’t trust me to be there during the worst time in your life? What kind of love is that? No, I get it…I get it, really….you didn’t want to watch me suffer with you. You loved me through the good times and according to you you loved me through the bad times, too, but you didn’t think I could do the same? You thought it would be better for me to believe you didn’t love me anymore…that maybe you’d found someone else to “settle down” with?” he put in air quotes. He could almost feel the waves of resentment and outrage crashing over the table between them.

“Angelo, damn you! Damn you! How dare you……” Clay choked on his words, “I don’t even know what to say. No wait! I do know what to say! Leave me alone and don’t ever, not ever,” he leaned into Angelo’s face almost hissing the words as he stood up, “call me again! I don’t want or need your kind of love!” He threw a five on the table and walked through the door wishing for a satisfying slam.

Categories
WILD WORLD

CHAPTER 3 – DEAD END

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Kurt glanced at the ring again, buying time by pretending he was examining its beauty more closely. What was he supposed to say? Sure, they’d talked about getting married practically from the moment they met, but it had always been more in the realm of hopes and dreams, weaving stories about what they would do, where they would be…..but this ring, this conversation made it real, concrete, not a some-day dreamy idea.

He loved Blaine with every ounce of his being and he knew Blaine felt the same about him. If he said yes, he’d be denying his own sense of self, the Cautious Kurt who kept his life on an even keel, questioning every decision, large and small….and this definitely lay in the realm of large, more like huge! If he said no, Blaine would be so hurt and it might do real damage to what they had. Kurt didn’t need anyone to tell him that what they had was rare, which made it all the more fragile. No matter what his response was, it would test their commitment to themselves and each other like nothing else ever had. Was there a middle ground? he wondered. Trying to gather the many thoughts flitting through his mind like butterflies not knowing where to alight, he finally took a deep breath desperately hoping he would land on the right combination of words…if there was one.

He reached for one of Blaine’s hands, looking directly into those hazel eyes he loved, seeing the uncertainty, maybe even fear. He wanted Blaine to understand what he was saying even if he had to say it a thousand times tonight. Still holding the velvet-covered ring box, the sparkling diamonds set in gold winking in what little light they had in the hallway, he squeezed Blaine’s hand, hoping to reassure him.

“Blaine, you know I love you. I’ve loved you and only you since the day I first saw you at the Lima Bean. God! I couldn’t wait to see you standing in line behind me every day; I couldn’t wait to meet you, so afraid I never would.” Blaine had an expectant look on his face. When he’d conceived this idea, he knew he was taking a big risk. He knew that Spontaneous Kurt would run for cover, hiding behind Cautious Kurt, hoping his alter ego would make the right decision. Spontaneous Kurt always seemed to get Kurt in trouble, or so he believed, so spontaneity spent a lot of time in hiding.

Blaine nodded, making no attempt to avoid those piercing eyes. If he wanted to know what Kurt was thinking, his expressive eyes almost always gave him away. And what he saw was a struggle, the blues and greens mixing with each other as if they were a newly invented type of traffic light, doing away with the traditional red and yellow, trying to get its bearings.

“I know we’ve talked a lot about marriage…..and I do want to get married sometime,” Kurt suddenly realized that part of his hesitancy was the fact that he’d always thought he’d be the one to ask Blaine, not the other way around. He was older, and he hoped, wiser. But where was his supposed wisdom taking him in this conversation?

“And I love this ring…..it….it tells me just how well you know me. I’ll be honest,” like Blaine expected anything else? “I’m afraid if I say yes….and I really want to….but I’m afraid if I do, you’ll take it as a green light to start planning and we’ve already agreed that we want a big wedding, but I’m not ready for that…we’re not ready for that….and I want the time to be right for both of us. You know how much I want us to plan the wedding together!” His eyes and his voice pleading with Blaine to understand. Blaine started to interrupt, but Kurt squeezed his hand again, letting him know he had more to say, much more.

“And I’m afraid if I say no it’ll hurt your feelings to the point that it could really damage what we have….and what we have is something to be guarded, to be handled with care. Look at how far we’ve come! We’ve managed to keep “us” together for four years! And it’s only a little over a year before we can decide where we want to live!”

“Just think, we could have our wedding on that beach we’ve always talked about in California! It would be like the icing on the cake, so to speak, after we move and get settled.”

“Kurt…..no, please, don’t stop me, please,” Blaine murmured before Kurt could continue, “this is what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that we’ll put it off until we move wherever…..yeah, I hope California….and then we’ll put it off until after we get settled, whatever that looks like, and then we’ll put it off until after something else…..I know you, Kurt, and I love you for your caution, for wanting to make sure everything is perfect….but Kurt, we both know nothing in this world is perfect. Even us! Even our love is not perfect!” Blaine’s voice was tense. He was trying to hold back the fear and the tears that he was afraid might accompany it.

Carefully setting the ring box down, Kurt took both of Blaine’s hands in his own. “Blaine, how about this. I’ll accept the ring….I do want to marry you….but I’ll keep it in a safe place until after you’re finished with school and I promise you we’ll get married once we move. That dream of having our wedding on a beach is mine too, ya know.”

Kurt could see the disappointment in Blaine’s eyes and it genuinely hurt him to see it, but he knew from somewhere deep inside that he was making the best decision…and not just for him, but for them. He opened the box again and removed the ring handing it to Blaine. Blaine gave him a puzzled look, “Put it on my finger. I want to see what it looks like. To see if it fits.” Blaine slid the ring out of the box and carefully slid it down Kurt’s fourth finger. “It’s beautiful, Blaine, just like you….like us.” He held it up to the light again, the diamonds flashing, the gold warm on his finger.

“For tonight I’ll put it in the closet safe, but I want to get a safety deposit box at the bank on Monday. Blaine, I know you’re upset, but I’m just not ready to make it official. The answer to will I marry you is absolutely yes. Yes! Yes! Yes! But, please, let’s hold off on an official engagement. Just think of the fun we’ll have at our engagement party!”

Kurt knew he was starting to sound like a parent trying to placate a child and he also knew he was babbling, so finally he halted the steady stream of words and waited for Blaine to say something….anything.

Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat with difficulty. “Okay, I guess. I mean I’m not going to pretend I’m not….disappointed, but you did say yes, and you did make a promise, so I guess I can wait a little longer.” Kurt never went back on his promises, Blaine thought, trying to reassure himself. “And I suppose it’s really just a formality since we’re living together,” He stopped, again, trying to convince himself of the truth in that statement. “But,” he said with determination, “I want everyone to know before we move. I want a huge celebration with everybody we know there.”

Kurt drew Blaine into his arms, holding him tightly, “I love you more than you’ll ever know, babe, and I can’t wait until the day when you can do me the honor of becoming my husband.” Blaine returned the hug, memorizing those words, storing them in his brain so he could bring them to mind any time he wanted, savoring each syllable, reminding himself that Kurt’s honesty was one of the things he loved most about him…even when it hurt. But why would he even question the truth of what he was saying? Kurt was honest to a fault. Yet….he’d already taken the ring off and placed it back in the box, waiting for the right time. The right time?….go away! he cautioned his mind. Kurt loves me; he would never go back on his word….right?

Laine left his counselor’s office still unsure of what he was going to say to Blaine when he graduated. Of course that was far in the future, except he knew how fast that future could pass stopping at your front door to knock and say something like, “It’s time, you promised you’d tell him.” and that voice always sounded like Barb’s, not accusing as it used to be, but with a resolve, reminding him he owed it to Blaine. And yes, probably, to himself if he was ever going to have a real relationship with his son.

He’d spent endless hours in counseling hashing over ways to tell his only son that he was bisexual. That that had been the real problem in he and Barb’s marriage and his relationship with Blaine. And he’d spent as much time as he could with Blaine after the separation and divorce, trying to build some sort of bridge between them. Of course, it had been too little, too late, but at least they were on speaking terms and shared some common interests. However, his greatest fear was that what little they had would die now that Blaine was living in New York, becoming more man than boy, looking expectantly toward his own future.

In Laine’s mind if he could have told him in the time between the divorce and his move, it probably would have been better…but again, he was so afraid of Blaine’s reaction. Honestly? Was there any good time or better way to tell your gay son that you’re bi? Especially after his stupid knee-jerk reaction to Blaine’s announcement that he was gay? It had taken so much courage for him to sit down with his parents and tell them the truth. And at the time all Laine could think about was himself.

His counselor had warned him repeatedly that no matter how or when he told Blaine, it would most likely result in one of two things. It would either drive them apart again or bring them closer together. Yes, with time, if Laine could manage to attempt to repair this huge rent in their relationship…. if it drove them apart….. then eventually it might draw them closer, but Laine had to be prepared that this revelation might just end in grief, mostly for Laine.

Blaine, for all his attempting to build some sort of relationship with his dad, didn’t have the stake in it that Laine did. Youth was on Blaine’s side. He’d eventually bounce back because their current relationship was still shallow and he had no expectations that it would ever be anything but what it was right now. Laine, on the other hand, was carrying around a lifetime of regret and though he was working to put all of that behind him, in the end, acceptance would come at a price.

He could still remember the day that he and Blaine had been watching football, snacking on chips and dip, and Laine had casually asked how his own counseling was going just to make conversation. Blaine proceeded to offer some of the things he was learning and then, he’d stopped, and said, “Dad, can I ask you a question?”

Laine had been scared to death to find out what the question was. But he knew whatever it was he had to be ready to answer as honestly as possible. “Sure, of course,” he’d said, hoping his comment had sounded casual, as if they’d always discussed everything. Why had he brought up counseling anyway? He knew from experience that talking about your feelings was difficult and especially if you were a guy. He should have stuck to the safety of school or maybe Blaine’s future plans in New York, anything but counseling!

“Um…..are you seeing anyone?….I mean a counselor,” Blaine stumbled, realizing his question could be taken a couple of different ways. “Yeah,” Laine dipped his toes in the treacherous waters, “I thought you knew that.” Of course, Laine thought no such thing, but he didn’t know where this was going.

“Well, a few months back I was at Dr. Milton’s office and I thought I heard your voice when I was leaving, like you were in the elevator or something.” Laine turned his eyes back to the TV screen presumably to catch the latest score, trying to stall and come up with a plausible answer.

“Yes, I am. I’m seeing Dr. Lanter,” he replied. “But why?” Blaine persisted, “uhhhh….I mean don’t all those doctors specialize in LGBTQ counseling?” Oh, god! Now he knew exactly where this conversation was going.

“Well, Blaine…..since you and I are getting to know each other better…” surely there was a better way to put it, but nothing came to mind, “I thought going to one of the doctors there might provide some insight….so that I guess I could be more of a help…. rather than a hindrance?” Well, at least part of that was true.

That’s what Blaine had hoped he would say, or something along those lines anyway. But instead of going to separate counselors why hadn’t he just asked to go with Blaine to some of his sessions? It made sense to hear about Blaine’s thoughts and feelings in that setting, but then he remembered that they didn’t exactly have the kind of relationship where acceptance was the norm. In fact, at that point their relationship was so on the surface you could have skated across it to get to the counselor’s office.

But he had to ask anyway. His dad seemed in a receptive mood, receptive to talking about something other than football or school. “Can I ask another question?” he said. “Of course, Blaine,” Laine replied again as if this was their normal sort of conversation. “Well….why didn’t you just ask to come with me to some of my sessions? Wouldn’t that have given you a better idea of what….um….what we needed to work on?”

Laine sighed as quietly as he could, hoping Blaine wouldn’t notice in his quest for answers. “Blaine, your sexual identity is only one piece of the whole puzzle that was…..” he halted, trying to find the right words. “That was, our marriage, our life….the way I dealt with you….or I guess actually the way I didn’t deal with you. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m trying to change….for our sake. What your mom and I had is beyond repair except that we have to learn to communicate better with you as our common denominator….god!” he looked toward the ceiling in frustration.

Blaine made an attempt to rescue him, “I know what you’re saying and I understand your answer. But, if you ever want to come to one of my sessions, just say so.” This was a huge offering in Laine’s book, and he didn’t think Blaine really knew the magnitude of what he was offering him. So, he simply replied, “Okay, that sounds good,” deciding to think it over later. Blaine was opening a door that Laine thought he’d never have the key to, not in a million years. He and Laine rarely touched, but he felt the need to reach out and connect in a tangible way. He reached over and patted one of Blaine’s ankles as he sat in a curled up position on the couch, pretending to turn his attention back to the game in which he’d lost all interest.

As soon as Rachel walked through the door, setting her overnight bag on the floor, she could tell something was different. Neither Kurt nor Blaine were visible, so she checked the solarium. The TV was off and no one was in the room. Still neat as a pin due to Kurt’s OCD. Walking back down the long hallway, she noticed their bedroom door was closed, and hearing muffled voices she kept right on walking. Even as inconsiderate as she could be sometimes, she knew her boundaries when it came to Kurt and Blaine’s relationship. In fact, Kurt had made it perfectly clear before Blaine moved in. “If our bedroom door is closed do not knock, do not talk, just leave us alone unless the building is burning down or there’s a real emergency” “But,” was all Kurt would allow her to get out before he held his hand up to her face.

“No, Rachel! Not any of your emergencies that are only important to you. Do I need to make a list? I will, ya know. I’ll sit down right now with you and make a list of what constitutes an emergency when it comes to our privacy. I’ll tack it on the bedroom door if I have to, so shall we have a seat?”

Rachel knew he was serious. Kurt could turn anything in his life into a detailed list of do’s and don’t. There was rarely a maybe on one of his lists. For someone so creative, he could be so black and white sometimes. “Geez, Kurt…no, you don’t need to make a list. Am I really that insensitive?” And the answer was so obvious, they both burst out laughing. “I’m making the list anyway,” he chuckled as they got their laughter under control.

By the time she had reached the living room again, she saw that Clay had made his way up to the loft with his own duffle bag, dropping it next to hers, and sitting down in one of the beanbag chairs, closing his eyes. “Where are the Loveboat Twins?” he smirked up at Rachel as he said it. “Shhhh!” she said looking around the apartment as if she expected them to burst from their room upset with Clay’s nickname for them. He never called them that except when he was with Rachel. She usually laughed!

“In their room,” was all she said. It wasn’t unusual for Kurt and Blaine to spend time together in their bedroom when everyone was home. Fortunately, the walls in the loft were thick and relatively soundproof. So Rachel couldn’t figure out why she felt so uneasy. Something just felt….different.

She flopped down on the couch, saying, “Does something seem strange to you?” Clay glanced around the room thinking maybe something was missing, a print from the wall? a piece of furniture out of place? “I don’t know, something just feels…..off.” Oh! Of course! She meant something woman’s intuitionish.

“No, not really,” no one would ever accuse him of being Mr. Sensitive, but he had learned that when Rachel noticed an out of place vibe that it usually did mean something. This was the one area in her life where Rachel was often very perceptive. “Like what?” he asked, closing his eyes again. “I don’t know…..tense? unhappy? uneasy? I don’t know how to describe it.”

After taking a few minutes to assess her surroundings again, she finally shrugged her shoulders, realizing that if it was anything important the feelings would remain and she’d probably figure it out eventually. At least, it didn’t feel dangerous. What she really wanted to do was march back to Kurt and Blaine’s room and knock on the door. Kurt might be able to shed some light on it. He was just as observant to stuff like this as she was. One of the reasons they were best friends. But she’d have to wait, so she settled in to watch a movie with Clay.

Kurt and Blaine were sitting on the bed with magazines scattered all over and Kurt’s laptop open. It had been a little tense the night before after Blaine had proposed and they’d finally entered the loft. Kurt had decided to tread lightly and offered to uncork some wine. “I want to celebrate your proposal and my acceptance!,” Kurt said digging through a kitchen drawer searching for a corkscrew. He wanted to remind Blaine that he HAD said yes. Wasn’t that the really important part?

Blaine was still a little downcast. He’d planned to toast the occasion, too, but with the ring on Kurt’s finger. Kurt carried the goblets into the living room, placing them both on an end table. Kurt quietly took Blaine’s hand saying, “Look, I know this isn’t exactly what you’d hoped for, but someday soon I’ll slip that gorgeous ring on my finger, we’ll have a ginormous engagement party, hire movers to take us wherever we want to end up and have another celebration when we get married! So, here’s to what we have and what’s in store,” he said clinking his glass with Blaine’s.

And before they’d gone to sleep he had silently vowed to encourage what could be salvaged of Blaine’s surprise proposal and show him that he was serious about getting married….at the right time. “What do you think of this?” Kurt asked, turning his HP laptop around for Blaine to see the picture he’d found on a site featuring ideas for a beach wedding. He loved the way the cupola faced the sea, as if the couple were walking down the aisle runner toward the sun-kissed waves lapping the shore, almost as if they were going to take their first step as a married couple testing their toes in them. And Kurt loved the idea of an aisle runner. Much as he wanted the beach wedding, he didn’t really like the idea of sand in everyone’s shoes (his in particular) and there was no way he was going to get married barefoot.

And somehow he wanted to work in the idea of a color wheel. Colors represented the whole spectrum of who a person was, and yes he really believed that. He’d kept this a secret from everyone but Blaine, but he believed his glasz eyes represented parts of his character, the green, brown and blue constantly changing color represented loyalty, stability and his down-to-earth, no-nonsense approach to life. And Blaine’s hazel eyes? Aside from the warm comfort he almost always seemed to find there, the blues and greens with just a hint of gold spoke of his approachability. And even though Blaine didn’t see himself as confident, Kurt knew that he was….or would be with the time he needed to mature. He had this way about him that was soothing to Kurt. When Kurt allowed himself to become tied in knots, Blaine was there to untangle the threads of life that bound him. He brought a peculiar peace to his life that he’d never found anywhere else. Maybe color wheel umbrellas? he thought, bringing himself back to the plans they’d been discussing.

Blaine had relaxed back onto the bed, one hand propping his head up, he leafed through a magazine. “Look at this,” Blaine held the open pages out for Kurt to examine a photo of much more casual attire than the white suits they’d always planned to wear. “I mean, wearing white suits on the beach is a little impractical really.” Kurt’s sense of neatness agreed, but wearing the shorts, short-sleeved Hawaiian-print shirts and sandals that the photo offered wasn’t anything he’d picture himself wearing on or off a beach and certainly not on one of the most important days of his life. Blaine smiled to himself. Of course, he’d known this. He was just having fun watching Kurt’s reaction.

With an arched eyebrow and a saucy snap of his eyes, he said, “Surely there’s a middle ground between white suits and Margaritaville attire, don’t you think?” Blaine chuckled, “You and your middle grounds! Well, we could start bulking up and show up in, say, white pants and muscle shirts….or better yet, no shirts at all!”

Kurt snatched the magazine from Blaine’s hands, tossing it aside and pushing Blaine back onto his favorite pillow. “No, I am not appearing half-naked at our wedding,” Kurt smirked, “but…..I’m not opposed to it as a general rule. Maybe you could convince me with a little practice,” Kurt said as he finished unbuttoning Blaine’s half-open shirt. “Oh, no….no, no, no….you know I don’t believe in sex before marriage,” Blaine murmured, drawing Kurt’s face down toward his own. Kurt muttered a slight um-hm as his lips found Blaine’s, “In that case we’re already married,” he whispered against Blaine’s lips as they met, hungry…..and eager to satisfy the need for each other’s bodies.

Even though his thinking was clouded by desire for what Kurt was offering, Blaine was sure he’d heard Rachel, and probably, Clay return. The soft thud of the front door opening and closing and then the muffled sound of the TV? Surely, Kurt had heard them, too. And it was extremely rare for Kurt to initiate sex when others were in the loft. But who was he to refuse? he thought as Kurt ravaged his face with kisses, weaving his fingers through his hair. Besides, it was sort of a turn-on and they’d both had lots of practice with keeping quiet and having their fun all at the same time.

They’d grown bored with the movie about halfway through so Clay had suggested a game of Monopoly, but his mind wasn’t really on establishing himself on Boardwalk or even Mediterranean Avenue. All he could think about was that closed bedroom door….and what may or may not be happening behind it.

“Geez, Clay, if you continue to play like this, it might be the shortest game of Monopoly ever with me as the winner! Where’s your head at?” She said, marching her top hat token around the board. He liked Rachel, but sometimes she could be so irritating and he so badly wanted to say something like, “On Kurt! And what they’re doing. Maybe you could knock on the door and ask them to join us!”

He knew his mind was playing its own game that he couldn’t win either. Even though he knew they probably weren’t doing “it” that gave him little comfort. One night when Kurt had been at a rehearsal practice and Rachel was at a play, Blaine and Clay had kicked back with a couple of beers and celebrated the arrival of the best day of the week, Friday.

He never could remember how they’d got around to that topic of conversation, but Blaine had mentioned that just because he and Kurt insisted on their privacy behind that closed bedroom door didn’t mean that they were having sex. Maybe they’d been talking about sex in general? He couldn’t remember and what did it matter anyway?

Blaine said, “That’s just not Kurt’s style….I mean doing that with other people around….even though we’ve had lots of practice at being quiet,” he laughed, “back in Lima…” what was he doing? He was about to share back porch stories with Clay! Blushing, he said, “God! I’m sorry Clay. You don’t want to hear this!” He put his half-empty can of beer on the coffee table deciding he didn’t need any more.

Actually, Clay had been torn. No, he didn’t want to hear it, but yes, anything about Kurt was worthy of discussion. How pathetic!

Trying to drag his thoughts back to the present, rolling the dice, he moved the race car past all the properties he’d ignored, some Rachel had already claimed, promptly landing on the Jail space. Now there was irony on full display! That’s exactly how he felt, a prisoner to his thoughts and feelings for something he could not have, just like the properties he’d passed up. Except he might still be able to capture some of the properties; trying to capture Kurt’s heart was a no-win.

What was he going to do? He couldn’t stay in this figurative jail forever! And after three more turns he still hadn’t gotten the Get Out of Jail Free card. Too bad there wasn’t a Dead End space with perhaps a property resting on a cul-de-sac because that’s exactly what his life felt like when it came to Kurt. He was living in a dead end with no way out.

Living on a Dead-End Street: The Pros and Cons | Zameen Blog
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WILD WORLD

CHAPTER 2 – THE PERFECTEST DAY

Blaine smiled to himself as he lay next to Kurt in their spacious king-size bed – theirs! Moments like this were what had kept him alive during the lonely months of his senior year at McKinley. Kurt’s visits were always too short, but they’d managed to make the most of them. And when Kurt had returned to New York, he’d day dream, his mind wandering the rooms of the loft moving the two of them around like Ken and Barbie dolls, ultimately ending in this bed, tangled in each other’s bodies, in love.

He still couldn’t get over the fact that they’d been living together for the last six months. He loved this loft. It was so roomy, enough space for the four of them so that they weren’t always bumping into each other, each able to find privacy in their own bedrooms or the solarium as they jokingly called a room where the sun couldn’t reach even if it tried. It was actually more of a media room, but who cared what they called it? It was just another somewhere they could go to relax together or alone.

But being alone, except with each other, was not on the agenda today….today he and Kurt were celebrating their four-year anniversary! It seemed impossible that they’d been together, in love for that long. And thankfully, that year they’d spent in a long-distance relationship was finally over.

Laying down again, sinking into the warmth of his over-sized pillow, he tentatively rested his hand on Kurt’s arm, not wanting to awaken him, but needing to touch him, like a magnet that couldn’t resist the pull of its polar opposite. As Kurt’s eyes twitched beneath his eyelids chasing a dream, Blaine closed his own eyes, his mind once again traveling the road that led him back to Lima.

Of course they’d both been busy, very busy, with almost no time for anything but classes and a part-time job in Kurt’s case. And yet….every social occasion, especially for Blaine in the midst of the other members of Glee Club, had felt like it lacked something. Almost everybody was coupled up, Finn and Rachel, Brit and Santana, Sam and Mercedes, sort of on again, off again. He missed being half of a whole. So, now, when he looked at Kurt sleeping, his breathing even, seeming so calm and contented, all he wanted to do was make love to him. And why shouldn’t he? It was Saturday and they’d planned this day carefully making sure that they could truly have time to celebrate…just the two of them…no roommates, no friends, just them….alone.

Clay had intentionally made himself scarce this weekend. He and Rachel both knew about the anniversary and with purpose had found themselves somewhere else to be. They’d only returned to Lima once in the last six months, so using this weekend as a very good excuse, they’d asked Gene and Nick if they’d like to make a trip to New York for a week. It had been years since the two of them had visited New York and Nick’s birthday was coming up anyway. What better way to celebrate! So, Rachel and Clay had packed overnight bags, anxious to spend a weekend in a hotel. A swimming pool, meals in a 5-star restaurant, live entertainment….what a way to celebrate Kurt and Blaine’s anniversary, they’d laughed. And Clay needed the break, not just from work and the day-to-day routine, but maybe even more from Kurt and Blaine.

Six months of struggling to hide his infatuation with Kurt beneath a cloak of what he hoped was perceived as friendly but not too friendly was taking its toll. He’d done his best to avoid being alone with him, which wasn’t really that hard, but it was a struggle nonetheless. Even when they were all together he’d find himself trying not to glance at Kurt or engage him in too much conversation, never appearing overly interested in the topic.

It was obvious to him (to everyone!) that Kurt and Blaine were deeply in love, that they belonged together, and he wasn’t even thinking about interfering with that. By now, between bits and pieces of conversation and Rachel’s seeming need to tell Clay their backstory, he’d kept his distance. Why mess up other’s lives over what he stubbornly continued to refer to as an infatuation? Why ruin the good deal he had living with them and Rachel? It was the perfect setup, inexpensive by New York standards and large enough for six people, much less four.

He’d had a few dates…a hookup here and there. Having lived in New York for quite some time, he knew all the places to go, the hangouts…for the most part knowing what to expect wherever he chose to spend an evening. But none of the dates seemed to lead to a relationship that lasted past a month or so and hookups were….well, they were hookups, never intended to extend past a night, maybe two.

Yet, he found himself longing for a relationship. He’d loved Angelo and, despite the way things had ended, he still missed him. He loved the companionship, the joy he’d brought to his life. And their lives together had been so free. It had been an open relationship. He wasn’t sure monogamy was something he’d ever want, but he couldn’t help but wonder when he thought about their past relationship if Kurt would ever be interested in an open relationship. Just as it was painfully clear that they belonged together, it was equally clear that he and Blaine were monogamous. And then he’d stop himself, reprimanding his brain. Kurt is not available! it would state emphatically for what seemed like the millionth time.

So, when Rachel had brought up the idea of their dads making a trip to the Big Apple, he’d welcomed it almost too eagerly! But Gene hadn’t had to wonder why he seemed almost ecstatic about their upcoming visit. He knew it wasn’t because he missed his dear old dads THAT much.

He and Clay were very comfortable discussing their personal lives with each other. He knew all too well how Angelo’s departure from Clay’s life had broken his heart. His son liked to pretend he was tough and untouchable when it came to matters of the heart, but there was a softness to Clay that he admired. And the irony of his current situation regarding Kurt wasn’t lost on him. Clay had never said, but Gene wasn’t blind or deaf!

When he’d been in Lima during the summers, Gene had been anything but oblivious to his clandestine affairs, one summer with Sebastian, the next summer with Jamie and on and on until he’d met Angelo at a Glee Club competition in New York when he was 17.

Of course, Clay, the teenager, believed Gene was clueless. But Gene had been forever thankful to Kurt that first summer. It didn’t take him any time at all to realize something was up with Sebastian and he could clearly see Kurt’s crush on Clay. At first, Gene wanted to step in and give his son some fatherly advice, but had changed his mind. Would he have listened to his dad at 14….about anything? They’d had the safe sex talk a long time ago. And besides, he didn’t want to embarrass Kurt. The poor kid was doing his best to be Clay’s friend and he’d succeeded at the expense of his own very real feelings! So many times he’d wanted to apologize to Kurt for Clay’s behavior, but again, he didn’t want to embarrass him…and at that age everything seemed to embarrass them….and besides, they were kids. He assumed Kurt would easily get over Clay or so he’d hoped.

“Kurt….” Blaine half whispered, forgetting for a moment that they were the only ones in the loft. “Kurt…” he whispered again, playfully taking his earlobe between his lips and draping his arm over Kurt’s chest. Kurt slowly awakened and rolled toward him, snuggling in close, “Mmmmm……good morning…..” he said, a bit hoarse. He sighed contentedly and opened his eyes as he cuddled into Blaine’s sturdy shoulder, “we’re all alone, aren’t we?”

Blaine nodded, “All weekend, babe. Nobody but us and nothing but time…..happy anniversary!” Blaine placed a finger underneath Kurt’s stubbly chin drawing him upwards to his wanting lips, kissing him softly. There was no need to rush. He could feel Kurt smile against his lips, kissing him back, not in any hurry himself. They laid there surrounded by silence, listening to each other breath, soaking in the warmth of their love.

“What’s for breakfast?” Kurt finally asked. “You?” Blaine questioned mischievously. “Oh! I’d love to be your eggs and bacon, your pancakes, blueberry of course, your toast and jelly…” “Oh, shut up….” Blaine laughed as he conquered Kurt’s lips again, this time speaking much more urgently than the previous good-morning kiss.

“Do you know how much I love you?” Blaine murmured as he nibbled his way along Kurt’s jawline. “More than football?” he sighed, turning his head to give Blaine better access, “More than singing? Hmmmm….” he mumbled, his eyes closed. “More than Cronuts?” he half-giggled. Blaine halted his seductive march, “Stop it, Kurt,” he almost giggled himself. “Yes, even more than Cronuts, although Cronuts never needed a shave,” he said, returning to Kurt’s lips, “I guess there’s only one way to keep you quiet enough so I can savor you…..just like a Cronut….maybe dip you in some hot coffee….” And with that Kurt took Blaine’s face into his hands, locking eyes, then drawing him down so their lips were barely touching. “Oh I’m sure we can find something much hotter than coffee….”

Kurt turned Blaine onto his back never releasing the beginnings of the kiss, snacking on Blaine’s full lips ever so slightly, then a little harder, as he listened for Blaine’s quiet moan, the increase in his breathing, eagerly opening his mouth as Kurt gently pried his lips open with the point of his tongue. Kurt slowly swept his tongue along Blaine’s gumline, loving the way his embrace tightened, drawing their near naked bodies together.

When his exploring tongue had completed its sensual journey, Blaine caught it between his teeth, first, holding it captive for a few seconds, then sucking it slowly, as Kurt melted against him, his hand moving along Blaine’s neck, stroking it, then roaming over the expanse of his chest.

Blaine tried focusing on Kurt’s hand and their tongues all at the same time, but it was impossible. He could tell Kurt was in the mood to play, no morning quicky, this.

His hand made its way slowly along one arm, up and down, until he slid the roaming hand between Blaine’s muscled arm and armpit. And Blaine willingly raised it above his head as Kurt caressed the sensitive skin of his underarm, tugging slightly at the hair. Blaine sighed, releasing Kurt’s tongue, but pulling him even closer with an arm around his neck, opening his eyes for just a second. That messy ginger hair…..he loved it….he loved running his fingers through it, grasping it just enough to hurt a little…..closing his eyes again, he used his tongue to stroke the sensitive upper palate of Kurt’s mouth.

Kurt could have stopped right then and there, the desire rising slowly to a fever pitch….definitely hotter than coffee..but he wanted to take his time. His fingers moved from Blaine’s underarm tiptoeing across the expanse of his chest again, circling his taut nipples, but not touching them, then circling his navel…but not touching it, and then moving his hand over Blaine’s thighs, as far as he could reach, leaving the erogenous zones beneath his waist hungry…..unsatisfied…..

As his hand caressed Blaine’s smooth skin, his body begging Kurt to pinch his nipples….or insert a wet finger into his navel…or touch his obvious hard-on, his back arched involuntarily. Breaking the kiss, he almost gasped, “Kurt…..stop teasing….god you’re driving me crazy!” Kurt caught his hazel eyes with his own glasz eyes, reflecting wickedness back at Blaine, “In due time, my pretty,” he croaked, imitating the Wicked Witch of the West from Oz, “in due time.”

And now with his lips free, he made a repeat trek over Blaine’s body, sometimes including a wet finger with his tongue, Blaine attempting to relax into the foreplay, but all he wanted was for Kurt to touch the highly sensitive places he was purposefully avoiding.

Finally….and with great effort on Blaine’s part as….Kurt lowered his lips to one of his nipples pretending….or maybe not….to reach for the other nipple with his fingers….he decided to turn the tables on his teasing boyfriend.

Catching Kurt off guard, he sat up, pushing him firmly onto his back on the bed, again staring back into those kaleidoscope eyes. They were flashing a deep blue as if daring him to continue. Sitting on Kurt’s belly, he could see the slow smile move across Kurt’s lips as he noted the challenge in Blaine’s eyes.

“You want to play?….Okay, let’s play, my pretty,” he emphasized the last two words mockingly. Following Kurt’s lead, he began with his earlobes and the sensitive area underneath just below them on his neck. Then, he moved to his porcelain-skinned chest, again, taking a page from Kurt’s playbook, but instead, as he made the first tour of his body, he barely bit one of Kurt’s nipples….savoring Kurt’s gasp….and then moved on. Spreading Kurt’s belly taut with his hands, opening his navel just a little wider, he lightly inserted his tongue, just barely a tickle, until Kurt began to moan unable to keep his abdomen still. Yet forced to because of Blaine’s weight.

“So, my pretty,” he said again, lingering on the word “pretty,” whispering, “You want to play….” licking a finger he pulled down the pajama bottoms that he’d never been able to get Kurt to abandon. He barely drew his moist finger over the head of his swollen cock, sliding it around the rim, then stopping, wetting his finger again, moving his hands down Kurt’s thighs, just as he had done to Blaine.

Kurt could barely control his desire, but he liked the turn this was taking, so waiting for the moment he could catch Blaine unprepared, it finally arrived. Kurt pushed Blaine onto his side, then quickly onto his back, as Blaine struggled to release himself from Kurt’s firm grip.

When it came to bodily strength they were pretty much equally matched, and they were both just competitive enough to enjoy this sort of tussle even in bed….maybe especially in bed.

Again their eyes met, and behind the challenge and the determination mixed with a bit of laughter, they saw the yearning. This was going to be fun!

Kurt had Blaine pinned by his shoulders, but Blaine’s hands were still free and his upper body strength enough to overtake Kurt if he wanted or so he believed. Pretending to reach for Kurt’s face with his hands for a passionate kiss, he pulled Kurt down on top of him, almost bumping chins as he rolled Kurt onto his side again. Kurt was unbalanced by the fact that his pajama bottoms entangled his legs, and he quickly kicked them off with a touch of irritation. Now they were both totally naked, free to wrestle….and free to do anything they wanted to each other.

“See? Sleeping in the nude has its advantages,” Blaine crowed, pulling Kurt’s face in for another kiss, only to be upended as Kurt wrapped one leg over Blaine’s waist, Blaine finding himself on his back again. “You’re gonna have to find some new moves….my pretty,” his laugh was evil.

His knees on either side of Blaine’s body, Kurt took a moment to catch his breath and then, with some resistance from Blaine, he rolled him over so that Blaine was above him, Kurt’s legs locked behind Blaine’s back. Gazing down the length of Blaine’s body, his eyes settled on his hard cock …….right in his line of vision. Raising his gaze to look at Blaine again, he murmured, “My, don’t you look yummy…and all this wrestling has given me quite an appetite,” he laughed, as Blaine’s eyes seemed to melt into a deeper shade of hazel-brown.

Releasing the grip of his legs around Blaine, not knowing if he’d continue the horseplay or do what his words indicated, Kurt slid down the bed until his eyes were almost level with Blaine’s rigid prick.

“You look…..delicious….,” he saturated a finger with saliva, moving it to slide along his taint as he tongued the head of his cock, using his wet finger to rim his asshole. Blaine groaned, feeling like he might collapse, but once Kurt got his rhythm, Blaine let his body absorb every ounce of pleasure. They’d tried this many different ways in the time they’d been together, but this was slightly different because it was so spontaneous…..and hotter than hell!

Saturating his finger again, Kurt resumed the rimming, as he slowly took Blaine into his mouth. He loved this angle for two reasons, it was a challenge and even without the rimming, it drove Blaine wild. He could feel Blaine’s arms quivering….even his legs…. as he continued to slip Blaine’s cock into his mouth towards his throat. He used the tip of his finger to stroke the sentient nerve endings around his asshole, holding his cock in place with his other hand helping to guide Blaine completely towards his throat with some foreplay along the way, licking, sucking, providing his own moans and sighs. Poised for the moment when he knew that Blaine was going to come, he slid his fingers around the base of his cock again, pushing his balls downward and taut….and Blaine’s body shuddered as he came. Kurt had taken his cock as deeply as he could ending at the tight hollow of his throat.

Blaine literally collapsed backwards onto his haunches, his breathing ragged. “My god, Kurt….” he managed between breaths. As his prick shrunk and Kurt disentangled himself, he asked Blaine to sit up a little so he could slide back up and over the covers, and Blaine laid down beside him, so they were facing each other.

Neither spoke as Blaine’s breathing slowed, Blaine resting his hand on Kurt’s prick, stroking it until it was hard again. Should he mirror Kurt’s award-winning performance or should he try something else? “The floor,” he murmured, watching Kurt’s eyes for a response. Kurt had no clue what Blaine had planned for them on the floor, but there was no doubt he’d enjoy it.

Grabbing the bottle of lube they kept beside the bed, Blaine said, “On your knees,” Kurt almost laughed, “Geez, you don’t have to sound like a drill sergeant.” “Maybe I want to sound like a drill sergeant, on. your. knees,” he repeated sternly. Kurt wanted to say, “You mean assume the position?” but he didn’t. Why ruin Blaine’s fun when it was going to be Kurt’s fun, too?

Now on all fours, Kurt closed his eyes, waiting….waiting…waiting…..his mind impatiently shouting come on, Blaine! until….oh my god…..he groaned. Blaine’s lubed fingers and hand were playing his body from behind like a stringed instrument. Just as Kurt had done, he used a lubed finger to rim Kurt’s asshole, causing him to collapse onto his elbows, which only served to give Blaine greater access…..and then when he slid his other slippery hand over his balls and down the length of his cock, he almost lost it! “I guess you like that,” Blaine asked mischievously. Kurt didn’t even realize he was only nodding in response, until Blaine lowered the timbre of his voice, “Tell me, Kurt…..tell me how much you like it…..tell me where you like it….maybe you like it better if I do this…” he slid just the tip of his finger into his asshole, using his thumb to continue massaging all of those sensitive nerve endings along the rim. “Do you like that?” he asked as Kurt barely rasped out, “Yes….oh god yes….” “And how about this?” Blaine asked, stroking his cock with his other hand, his fingertip still buried in Kurt’s asshole. “Show me, Kurt….show me….” Blaine whispered, grasping one of Kurt’s hands, making sure he was steady on the other elbow.

Placing Kurt’s hand over his rock-hard cock, he covered Kurt’s hand, both of them slowly stroking until Blaine sensed Kurt had his tempo. Then, he slid his fingers over Kurt’s balls, cradling them in his fingers as his thumb and first finger firmly held the base of his cock. “More, Kurt?” Blaine murmured, wiggling the finger in his asshole. “How about…..this?” he repeated as again he moved the finger just a little deeper while massaging the rim with his thumb, “I’m coming…” Kurt gasped, “I’m coming…..oh god….” he moaned as he came, sliding to the floor himself.

Neither moved as they recovered from their morning romp, Kurt still slightly out of breath. Blaine lay atop his body, feather kissing his back in the quiet. Kurt finally rolled over onto his back, opening his arms to Blaine, holding him tight, “Blaine….wow! Just wow….” was all he could manage. After awhile Kurt reminisced “Remember our first time?”

“No….would you care to refresh my memory?” Blaine chortled. “Geez, Kurt, of course I remember it. I’m still surprised we never got caught, although at the time it seemed impossible to us that we would be. I remember the dreams I had afterwards, not just about what we did, but I kept dreaming my mom would walk through the door or my dad would somehow get home, find me gone and call my mom.” Kurt chuckled, “Yeah, and then all the times on the back porch….sometimes it was like playing that game freeze tag. We’d hear the slightest noise and just freeze, waiting for someone to walk through that door. And then there were the times when we’d hear the knock praying that whoever it was wouldn’t wander over to where we were. No one ever did, but we were sure they would some day.”

“Oh! And the day Finn asked us if we needed a place to ‘you know’ as he put it? And we spent a good half-hour insisting we weren’t ‘doing that’ until finally he said, “Here,” and handed us a key to the guest house behind Puck’s? I always wondered where he and Quinn and then he and Rachel went, but didn’t want to ask. Come to find out almost everyone knew about it but us!”

“Yeah, I always wondered how Puck’s mom never found out. I mean his dad was out of the picture, but his mom? How could she not know? But then Puck seemed to be raising himself. And I know she had to travel for her job. Maybe she just didn’t care. And we actually had that calendar list so no one would show up when they shouldn’t.”

“I’m starving!” Kurt said, abandoning the subject of their past, “we can reminisce all weekend if we want!” Sitting up, he questioned, “a shower or breakfast first?” “Definitely, breakfast!” They said at the same time. “Who’s cooking?” Blaine asked. “How about both of us, I’ll do the eggs and bacon and you can do the pancakes,” Kurt said taking his hand, then turning to face him for a minute, “Blaine, I wish there was some more imaginative way to say this, but four years with you has been my dream come true. I never thought I’d find someone even close to you. I never expected to feel this way about anyone,” he stopped, wrapping his arms around Blaine’s naked body, murmuring against his neck, “I love you so much.” Blaine nodded against his shoulder, “Do I dare say me too?” Referring to the phrase they’d used for months because neither was ready to say, I love you. At that, Kurt chuckled, “Come on! Breakfast awaits!”

As they ate the Hungry-man meal they’d prepared complete with orange juice and blueberry syrup to match the pancakes, Blaine kept stealing glances at Kurt. So far their living arrangement had worked extraordinarily well. Who didn’t want to wake up with the love of your life….or go to sleep cuddled in each other’s arms? Four years! Some marriages didn’t last that long these days, his mind quickly drawing away from the thought of his own parents’ divorce.

He and Kurt had planned to eat out tonight, saving their money just for that purpose. The restaurant they’d set their sights on was Mastro’s Steakhouse well known for its mouthwatering selection of steaks or seafood if your dietary choice didn’t include red meat. Fortunately, Blaine’s dad was still footing the bill for college and unlike the other three he didn’t have to work, but he was careful with his allowance. And his dad had taken him to Mastro’s so he could vouch for the excellent cuisine. He didn’t really want to think about his dad right now either….not any more than he did his parents’ divorce. So, he offered to do the dishes while Kurt made the bed. Domesticity! Who knew it could be so much fun!

The sun was shining, winter was nearing an end, the grungy snow melting but not quite there, clinging to the hope that winter would never end. Both of them had been constantly on the go with classes and work and they hadn’t had the time or energy to see many of the sights since Blaine had arrived. One of Kurt’s favorite places was the Metropolitan Museum of Art and he wanted to share it with Blaine. And right now an exhibition he’d been waiting for forever since arriving in New York was finally on display. The Costume Institute College of Fashion Design had an exhibit covering over 150 years of fashion. He’d tentatively asked Blaine if he’d like to go knowing that he wasn’t nearly as interested in fashion as Kurt, but he’d replied positively, reasoning that there was much more to see there than a fashion exhibit.

“So, have you thought any more about California?” Blaine ventured as they walked briskly along the crowded sidewalks to the museum. It was sort of a game they played, tossing ideas and thoughts back and forth about where their futures might lie. Having lived through yet another bitter cold and wet winter, Kurt absolutely knew living in New York or anywhere in the Midwest wasn’t even an option. He loved almost everything about New York but the weather.

“Yeah, off and on, you know…I mean California sounds great if all I think about is the warm weather and beaches, but living in LA? I’m not sure about that. I mean we’d be exchanging one big dirty city for another, right?” Like they hadn’t had this conversation a thousand times before, Blaine said, “We can always live in Los Feliz or Silver Lake or even Highland Park….until I make it big and then we’ll move to Malibu!” Kurt took his hand as they rounded the corner, heading for the museum’s front doors, “Well, we have plenty of time to contemplate that and even though I have every reason to believe you’ll make it big as soon as they see you in Hollywood, a plan would be a very good thing to have.” Kurt said, as he almost always did. If Kurt ever made a split-second decision Blaine hadn’t known about it. Impulsive? Spur of the moment? not words in his vocabulary. If either of them was apt to be any of those things, it was Blaine. He smiled to himself; he hadn’t asked that question again simply for the sake of idle chatter. Kurt didn’t know it yet, but Blaine definitely had a plan.

“Almost ready!” Kurt yelled from the bathroom as Blaine waited slightly impatiently on the couch. Mastro’s had a dress code, not necessarily coat and tie, but not polo shirt and jeans either. Blaine had bought a new button-down black shirt for the occasion and he got up to look at himself in the mirror one more time. He knew he wasn’t making a fashion statement, unlike his colorful boyfriend, but he thought he cleaned up very nicely.

“You like?” he heard Kurt’s excited voice behind him. There he stood, also in black. But his shirt was of a heavier material. It looked like moleskin….and there was a tasteful plastic stripe across the front giving it some sparkle. Add the black paisley kerchief around his neck and a black onyx earring in one ear? Blaine almost always liked whatever Kurt wore.

Kurt was a clothes horse if ever there was one. So, he knew this was going to be one of those nights when wherever they went heads would turn, women and men, and Blaine as handsome as he was would be more like another of Kurt’s accessories. Not once had it occurred to him that they made such a striking couple that people couldn’t help but stop what they were doing just to gaze at them…not just Kurt. But tonight he didn’t mind, he could laugh it off because he knew Kurt was his, all his….and by the end of the evening….no better not to think about that.

Laughing as they walked the short hallway back to the loft, Blaine remembered one of the many reasons why he loved the fact that no one else lived on this floor. It had been such a wonderful day and the meal they’d just had way beyond heavenly. As Kurt took out his keychain, reaching for the front door key, Blaine put a hand on his and said, “Let’s sit for a minute; I don’t want this day to end yet.”

“It doesn’t have to end just because we’re at home again,” Kurt said, “in fact, we could pick up where we left off this morning,” he said with meaning, that spark showing in his eyes again. Blaine gave him a small smile and said, “Let’s sit, just for a minute, okay?” “Sure,” Kurt replied as he took a seat beside Blaine on the park bench they’d bought at an auction.

“This has been the perfectest day ever,” Blaine said with a smile in his voice. “Perfectest, huh? You must not have had Mrs. McCall for grammar!” Kurt kidded. “Well, as a matter of fact I did, Mr. Hummel. She was always saying something like “stay away from that Kurt Hummel, he can’t put a sentence together correctly to save his life, and he forgets everything I try to teach him from one day to the next. How can a person forget i before e, except after c, for Pete’s sake? Yes, she really said that!” he continued, “and speaking of forgetting, I think you forgot something in your jacket pocket….”

“What?” Kurt gave him a puzzled look. Not only was this a very strange conversation, but Blaine knew he never used his jacket pockets for fear he might tear the lining and whatever might be there would fall out. “Humor me, Mr. Hummel,” Blaine urged.

“Okay, sure, I guess…” Kurt replied, still puzzled, fishing around in his right jacket pocket, surprised when he encountered what felt like a gift-wrapped box. He glanced up at Blaine, drawing the item from his pocket.

“Remember the day I moved in and you picked me up and carried me over the threshold?” Of course Kurt remembered! The look on Blaine’s face had been priceless! “And you said, what are you doing? And I started laughing so hard I thought I was going to drop you!” “And then you said something like, this is our first home, married or not.” He’d never forget hustling Blaine into their bedroom. He’d changed the decor to suit both of their personalities. He’d decorated the bed with red rose petals and laid a chocolate on each pillow. In the middle of the bed had been a gaily wrapped box complete with a bow that looked like a bowtie and inside? An assortment of sex toys and lubes.

“A little small for sex toys, doncha think?” Kurt looked up at Blaine from underneath his impossibly long eyelashes, not even realizing he was stalling.

Blaine shook his head, smiling. “Go on, Kurt, open it! I promise it won’t bite.” Kurt slowly unwrapped the gift, careful with the paper as always, and inside was a box covered in blue velvet, obviously hiding jewelry. Kurt peeked at Blaine again unsure of his feelings.

Trying to hold Kurt’s gaze hoping his eyes were conveying every ounce of love he felt for him, he said, “Kurt,” Blaine hesitated, “I’m asking you to….um….” “Marry you?,” the words ending on an upward squeak, “Blaine,” he coughed, trying to regain his composure, “I don’t know what to say….,” his voice trailed off. Blaine in his nervousness tried to take that as a positive sign, he hadn’t said no, right? It wasn’t like they’d never talked about it! Along with moving to California, it was one of their favorite topics!

“Open it, Kurt. When I saw it all I could think was that it was so you. It practically had your name written on it!” he tried to remain upbeat as he saw Kurt’s facial expression change from puzzled to uncertain to confused, “And….well…and I know you weren’t expecting this, but..”

Kurt barely heard Blaine’s rambling as he slowly lifted the lid revealing a ring….and Blaine was right, he loved it, it was definitely him. But….

“I mean we don’t have to get married right away….not now….but like we’ve always talked about after we graduate?” he was losing his voice. He knew Kurt wasn’t big on surprises, but he didn’t want his proposal all planned with Kurt knowing every word he was going to say ending in “will you marry me?” Kurt nodded slowly as if contemplating every word Blaine was saying…and now he was…and Blaine was right he guessed….why wait to get engaged?

Holding the ring box in one hand, he took Blaine’s other hand into his own, those glasz eyes staring earnestly into Blaine’s….and as their eyes met and held for what seemed like hours, Kurt finally took a deep breath and said, “Blaine, I……” still not sure of how to complete this all important sentence.

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ENGLISH: REAL LOVE (AMAR DE VERDAD) FEATURING KURT, JAVI, BLAINE & JEFF WILSON - COMPLETE

CHAPTER 6 – THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

The difference is in the details | House exterior, Maine house, House design

“Kurt…Kurt, wake up,” said the familiar voice as Kurt’s mind fought it’s way through the cobwebs of sleep. It took him a second to reorient himself, his internal GPS recalibrating. Yawning, he turned his head to the seat beside him. San Diego! They were home!

Javi squeezed his hand and smiled. He wanted to kiss him but that might have been too much PDA for the other passengers, especially the lady sitting in the row seat beside him. Surviving the slightly bumpy landing as the wheels hit the tarmac, the plane started to come alive with voices anxious to move on to their now earthbound destinations. And Javi and Kurt were no different.

Snagging their luggage from the baggage claims carousel, they waited impatiently in line at the taxi stand allowing the dispatcher to do his job. Finally, it was their turn and they gratefully climbed into the backseat of the Yellow Cab, reciting their destination for the driver.

And at last there it was, their house! Kurt was almost bouncing in the seat he was so excited! “Wow! You begged me to take you to Mexico with me, but was it so bad that you’re this excited to be home?” Javi asked, laughing. Kurt gave him a sidelong look, pursing his lips. “Of course I’m glad to be home, aren’t you? And as you well know I loved going to Mexico with you!”

Yes, honestly, Javi was thrilled to be home….. in San Diego….or at least in California. Where they’d call home in the coming weeks…..maybe even months?…would, again, be determined by the powers that be who made decisions about the future of Reinventing Your Sins…and, of course, Javi’s response to the question will you stay? will you go? But the jury was still out on that and now was not the time for a verdict. So, he quickly sent them all back to the jury room in his head, still deliberating, waiting for a more appropriate day and time to reveal he and Kurt’s fate in question.

Dropping their baggage inside the front door, Javi swept Kurt into his arms, murmuring, “It’s so good to be home with you mi amor, so good!” And for a few moments they simply stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, basking in the feelings of security that the word “home” represented.

Reluctantly, Javi released Kurt and said, “How about some soup and sandwiches,” moving toward the kitchen before he could talk himself out of the effort. As the smell of chicken soup filled the air, Javi settled at the kitchen table and took a sip of cold water, asking, “So, was it what you expected?”

Swallowing a bite of his toasted cheese sandwich, Kurt said, “That’s rather broad, don’t you think? Was Mexico City what I expected? Was meeting your family what I expected? Was…”

“Okay, okay,” Javi chuckled. They’d sort of had this conversation already…Really….sort of? He must have asked Kurt some variation of this same question almost every day! But Javi wanted to hear every little detail of how this momentous trip had affected his lover. “My family….what did you think of my mama and Belita?” And yes, Kurt had already answered this question, but maybe there was something more. After all, he hadn’t met just his mama and his sister. He’d also been introduced to a few friends and he’d met Rico, “la otra oveja negra de la familia (the other black sheep of the family)” as he’d put it.

Kurt had kept this to himself, but he was kinda glad that they’d booked a room at a nearby hotel. There wasn’t enough room to sleep five comfortably at the condo. And walking from where they were staying at the Hampton to the condo had not only given them some much needed daily exercise but had allowed Kurt a breather in between the numerous visits.

“Javi, you already know I loved meeting them and they obviously loved me!” his eyes twinkled mischievously. “Your brother can be a little prickly, but I suppose he has good reason, right? I mean this is the first Christmas he’s spent with family in forever, just like you. And his most recent encounter with your dad was the first time he’s seen him in years and that certainly didn’t end well.”

Kurt still remembered the day when Javi’s mom had been Skyping with his dad on the couch and Rico happened to walk into the living room. He’d almost leaned over to see who it was she was conversing with until he heard that voice. The voice that had driven him away from home….from his mama….from his family….sending him into a desert of familial exile!

He could still hear that voice from times past raised in frustration tempered with only a bit of resignation, “Go then! Just leave! Let the world eat you up out there! Because it will! There’s nothing outside Quintana Roo that you can’t find here!” (¡Entonces vete! ¡Solo huye! ¡Deja que el mundo te coma! ¡Porque lo hará! ¡No hay nada fuera de Quintana Roo que no puedas encontrar aquí!) to which Rico’d replied trying to keep his voice level, “You’re wrong, so wrong! I can find myself apart from you and your demands. I don’t want to be you, papa, I want to be me!” (“¡Estás equivocado, tan equivocado! Me encontraré lejos de ti y de tus demandas. ¡No quiero ser tú, papá, quiero ser yo!”)

So, once again that voice drove him away as he stomped back to the bedroom, Javi not far behind. And either his mom hadn’t noticed or had at least pretended not to. As far as Kurt could tell, at least by the tone of their voices, they were having a relatively pleasant conversation. Sighing, he thought, for once I have the advantage of not knowing enough Spanish to understand everything that they’re saying.

Kurt could hear the rhythm of voices raised, then lowered, as if anger, frustration and reason were doing battle coming from the bedroom. He caught bits and pieces as Javi tried to soothe his brother’s anger, having forgotten to close the bedroom door completely behind him.

“I don’t care if he’s not here literally! He might as well be when I can see and hear him as if he were. It doesn’t bother you, hermano?” Well, of course it bothered him, but he tried to keep his mixed feelings inside for his mama’s sake, knowing he could count on Kurt to listen, and sometimes be his own voice of reason, as they soaked in the warm waters of the hotel jacuzzi.

“Claro (Of course)!” Javi rasped reaching for a whisper and not quite succeeding, “But think about mama, Rico. She doesn’t want this separation. She still loves him and, sadly, maybe even more than that, she loves Quintana Roo. She’s working as hard as she can to find a way to reconcile. It’s much harder for her than it will ever be for us.” Rico knew Javi was right, of course, but for him? He was afraid there was just too much water under the bridge. Even if his papa somehow had a totally unexpected change of heart and offered his children his forgiveness, he wasn’t sure he was capable of accepting it. “Yeah, si, I know you’re right…it’s just….” he said with a heavy sigh. If there was one person he didn’t have to say more to, it was Javi.

Lying on a blowup bed on the floor, background music on low, Blaine drew the blankets up over their naked bodies. Maintenance needed a couple of days to do repairs in their en suite bathroom, so rather than use the spare bedroom, they decided to get creative and toss the blowup bed on the living room floor. They’d felt like two kids camping minus the inconveniences of the great outdoors.

“I’ll be glad when they get back; I’d love to text him, but I don’t want to ruin his vacation,” he said snuggling deeper into Jeff’s embrace. “Okay, let me get this straight. I provide you with an out-of-this world sexual experience and now you’re pining away for your ex?” he joked. Blaine chuckled, “Well, I have to admit that was pretty good….okay, maybe even out-of-this-world….” he murmured, playfully kissing Jeff’s chin. Christmas had been a wonderful distraction from the persistent dream, but now they were settling back into their usual routine and there’d been an added facet to the dream that Blaine really wanted to discuss with Kurt.

And Jeff hadn’t realized how much he needed more than just a day off here or there until he’d had that whole week to spend with his sister, Jersey, and Blaine. Showing her the sights in LA had been a blast! Foregoing Disneyland for the LA County Museum of Art was no surprise to Jeff. She was an art major after all, and she also loved the variety of music venues scattered about the city. She and Blaine had lacked for nothing to talk about, that was for sure!

She’d only been outside of Oklahoma a handful of times and had certainly never been in a city the size of Los Angeles. But the weather was what had really caught her attention. Sure, it could be cool at night during the winter, but there was none of the subzero temperatures and cold gusty winds of an Oklahoma winter. Maybe she’d take Jeff up on his offer….maybe.

But all kidding aside, Jeff was equally anxious for Kurt and Javi’s return. The disturbing variation in the dream had been gradual. Jeff still remembered the night he’d awakened, Blaine gripping his hand, attempting to catch his breath.

Hurriedly drawing him into his arms, his fingers and hands played a lullaby on Blaine’s skin, stroking his cheek and rubbing his arm, waiting for Blaine’s answer to, “What is it babe…tell me….”

There had been someone or something else in the dream room, a fifth person or presence. And in the four times he’d had the dream since he and Kurt had last talked about it face to face, that….whatever it was, was making itself known more palpably. And Antonio seemed well aware of the presence, too….it seemed as if he was trying to get it (him? her?) to join him in conveying whatever the message was. Why didn’t dreams come equipped with translators? Jeff thought in frustration.

“Blaine…you don’t have to pretend with me,” Jeff murmured, “We both know it’s not nothing, it’s not just a dream,” emphasis on “just.” Why bother with pretense when all they had to do was walk down the hall and gather enough courage to simply open a door and walk into the bedroom that still had a festive wreath attached to its door? However, Blaine seemed comforted by the fact that whatever it was, the new….entity?…..seemed benign enough, almost familiar. For that matter, Antonio was probably benign as well; he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone…unless you counted the times he’d thrown Blaine out a window in Kurt’s version of the dream. Sometimes he just had to laugh about that, hoping he’d made a soft landing. And finally sleep had captured them once more, Jeff still smiling about the soft landing, Blaine encased in the security of Jeff’s embrace.

The holiday break had been a true godsend for Javi. Spending a week in San Diego and then almost another in Mexico City had made him realize how much he missed his “homes.” He’d been mulling over what he’d do if the play decided to move on to another city. He knew how much Kurt missed living in San Diego, but until now he hadn’t fully understood how hard it was to live this patchwork existence for him, always coming or going from one city to another. Usually Javi was more observant than that! He’d been living that kind of life for his entire adulthood! He didn’t know if he was looking forward to it or not, but the meeting in LA that would decide the fate of the play was scheduled for the first Thursday in January, not even a week away.

They hadn’t talked about it much, wanting to wait until after the holidays. So, after they’d exhausted the subject of Kurt’s feelings and observations about his family and Mexico City itself, Kurt ventured, “Do you know what you’re going to do about the play yet?” Javi sighed, “No, I’m really torn, ya know? I mean, life for me won’t be that much different even if I give it up. I’ll still be recording, doing interviews and putting together personal appearances, possibly even some concert tours. But the pink hair! It’ll be gone!” he chuckled, remembering his mama’s initial reaction to it in person. She’d seen it on Skype and Facetime, but when she saw it in person, she’d brushed it away from his brow, cupping his face in her hands, lamenting the loss of his beautiful blue-black curls.

“The main difference is we won’t have to live in LA,” Javi continued, “..and now there’s at least a possibility that you can travel with me….with some restrictions maybe…”

Javi still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of taking Kurt into some parts of Mexico or Central or South America or anywhere outside the States if he was being truthful. Kurt’s strength of character wasn’t in question, not even for a second; he could handle almost anything. But Javi knew how cold and cruel the entertainment world could be. Being gay would never be easy anywhere, or so he believed…and Kurt had already experienced enough violence in New York, a city he knew well. He willfully shoved the aggravating thought away, turning his full concentration on what Kurt was saying.

Kurt ignored the part about restrictions knowing now was not the time to reveal his thoughts again on that tender subject. “Do you miss it as much as I do?” “Kurtito, I didn’t know how much until now. No matter where my vagabond life led me I always knew I could return to San Diego to recharge. It wasn’t like that in LA…ever,” he said referring to the time he’d lived there years ago. “Well, are you going to tell me before you walk into that meeting next week?” Kurt asked, knowing he would never make a major decision like this without discussing it thoroughly with Kurt…he just wanted to hear him say it. Secretly, he was hoping that next Thursday would be the beginning of a move back to their home, this house. Sometimes he felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz murmuring, “there’s no place like home,” hoping they would be magically transported back to San Diego as he clicked his heels together.

Kurt would be starting classes again the following Tuesday and he was looking forward to it. His fingers were just itching to pick up a pen or pencil or open one of the various Word documents on his laptop where his book in progress was waiting for him, anxious for the chance to start growing again, page by page, under the guidance of Kurt’s fingertips marching across the key pad. He’d jotted down probably a hundred ideas, some on paper, some saved to his phone.

So, after spending the weekend getting acclimated to California time again, he gathered his writing tools and headed for his serenity room. Javi always jokingly called it his sanity room. And Javi was the one who’d insisted he needed it once they’d moved in together. Much as they loved each other’s company, they knew they needed equal time away from each other, time to create, time to just be. “You know where to find me, lovebug,” he smiled bending over to give Javi a kiss, ruffling his hair. “And I could learn to live without the pink hair,” he said offhandedly as he walked down the hallway.

As he opened the bedroom door, Kurt laughed to himself, he was still trying to figure out what Javi meant about just “being” but whatever it meant, he had used this room far more often than he ever envisioned when he’d been given carte blanche to make the room his own.

Staying at the hotel had provided them with ample time and space to reconnect as well. Most evenings they’d return there, sometimes ordering room service, taking advantage of the jacuzzi in their suite, relaxing as the evening faded into night, watching the lights of CDMX spring to life like a vast twinkling blanket. It was the perfect place for two lovers needing to redefine and reinvigorate their love life.

His mama was not a late night person and Belita had to be up early for work most days, depending on the studio’s schedule. Rico would often disappear with old friends after his mama retired for the evening and he’d invited Kurt and Javi along of course, but for the most part they’d begged off. Javi was well known in Mexico City, which wasn’t a problem…he just didn’t want to expose Kurt to the wondering looks and questioning glances that would surely present themselves if he was seen in public with Javi. And he wanted to be in control of that as much as possible, deciding himself where to take Kurt. Who knew where Rico might want to go? He was considerably older than Javi. His friends in the City were mostly people Javi had never met.

However, Javi had promised Kurt that he’d take him on their own private sightseeing tour….Kurt wanted to see the places that had shaped Javi’s beginnings in CDMX, where it had all started for him. At first Javi had been hesitant.

For years this ancient city had been his home and honestly it was one of the few places in Mexico where he felt comfortable being himself…..for the most part. His secret…well, in CDMX, more like his open secret….was generally already accepted.

Kurt had asked so little of him regarding this trip. And, in truth, he knew Kurt could handle any reaction he might encounter simply by virtue of the fact that he was in Javi’s company. If their faces appeared on the cover of some tabloid, so what? It wouldn’t be the first time or the last no matter what Javi said or did. People would spend some time speculating, again, as usual. And because Javi refused to actually say he was gay, the press would eventually grow tired of his usual pat answers – that way he had of appearing to say something while saying nothing at all – and move on.

No, surprising even himself, it was that he wasn’t sure of his own reactions, his own feelings, in returning to these places that had not only shaped his future, but had also led to the most significant relationship he would ever have.

Tonio had not been just a fellow band member, a friend, an ally – he’d been his partner. And had his life not been cut short by….even after almost nine years it wasn’t just that it hurt….it brought out the anger that Javi denied to everyone but himself….no! it wasn’t just the pain of a loss! The sheer stupidity and recklessness of Tonio’s actions, and what Javi viewed as selfishness…almost a betrayal….that anger had not faded much with time.

When Tonio’d jumped from that plane he’d not only unintentionally taken his own life, he’d almost taken the lives of everyone who loved or depended upon him! Fortunately, most of those people had been young and resilient, eventually able to move on with the business of living. But for Javi? Sure! His career had survived and even blossomed….but it had meant eight years of personal fear and loneliness. Fear that another romantic relationship would end in yet another loss for him. And for Tonio’s parents? They’d been denied the future with their only child.

Sure, he’d returned to these places himself, sometimes with company even, but never with someone as significant to him as Kurt. Kurt wasn’t Tonio’s replacement. He wasn’t just a new partner. He was something that Tonio could never have been for him. As much as he’d adored Tonio, their relationship had been full of fire…and he’d loved that at the time. He hadn’t been nicknamed the Sun for nothing! Tonio had been exactly what Mateo needed to light the fire as fame consumed their lives. He’d been exactly what Javi needed then….and even now – Tonio had unknowingly laid the groundwork for Javi’s relationship with Kurt.

But in his mind, he and Kurt were like two sides of a coin…or like the Moon and Mercury….like in the song he’d written. They complemented each other. Perhaps it would be good for both of them to revisit pieces of his past together.

And now, here they were, at almost the exact spot it had all begun, a lonely park bench under an elderly oak tree. The place that Javi had called home for several weeks after arriving in CDMX with almost nothing to his name. The oak was taller than he remembered, but the bench itself was just as hard and unyielding as it was on the many nights he’d spent sleeping on it surrounded by other down-on-their-luck singers and musicians.

During the day they’d spend their time making the rounds, trying to find jobs as backup singers and session musicians. They knew that they’d have no luck with the larger studios. They already had exactly who they wanted. But sometimes the smaller studies, with smaller budgets, of course, would hire them, knowing there was talent there and they were cheap labor.

Taking a seat on the bench, Kurt kept his distance. It was one thing to hold hands and sit close to each other in public in San Diego. But even Kurt didn’t feel comfortable with displays of PDA here, in a country and a city he’d never been in before. After hearing some of the tales at the party yesterday, it really began to sink in that Mexico was truly the totally different animal that Javi had painted it.

Meeting all those people had been a bit daunting at first. Some spoke fluent English or Spanglish so at least he didn’t have to constantly depend on Javi to translate, but they welcomed Kurt as if he was one of their own. They’d told colorful stories at Javi’s expense, which Javi didn’t mind a bit…well, most of them anyway. And where there were musicians and singers, as always, there was lots of singing and dancing, many having brought their guitars along with them.

“Wow!” Kurt exclaimed, looking around as if his surroundings were much more novel than a single park bench under a tree, others around them strolling or jogging in the waning daylight. “You guys really stayed here? Weren’t you scared? I mean, everybody said it was a terrifying experience, but they all seemed to laugh it off. No way I could laugh off living like this for even a few days!”

“It was terrifying! That’s why we stuck together, especially at night. We’d take turns sleeping on this bench. The ground was a little softer, but damp, and at night it would get down into the 40s and laying on the ground only made it feel colder. I don’t know what would have happened to us if we hadn’t met up with Celi again. I still marvel at how she just took all five of us in as if it was something people did every day.”

Kurt had heard the story of how they’d all come to Mexico City to take part in a singing competition. How the winner was supposed to get a scholarship to the Conservatorio Nacional de Música (National Conservatory of Music). And Javi had won! But as it turned out the scholarship covered tuition but not housing and other living expenses, and his parents certainly couldn’t afford to send him to college. And even if they could, Javi had basically run away from home because of his father’s disapproval….just like Rico….and he had no plans to return.

Javi would never forget the day he’d returned to the park bench after another discouraging day of job hunting. He’d just plopped down on the bench and closed his eyes when a familiar voice said, “Javi?” He opened one eye, and then the other, in surprise! “Celi? Hola! Taking a stroll in the park?” he said flashing his usual megawatt smile despite his circumstances. “Si, but what are you doing here?” she asked taking in his not quite clean clothing and the ragged backpack he was carrying, “Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

Without asking she sat down beside him, taking his hand, a concerned look on her face. He sighed and told her his hard-luck tale…well, their hard-luck tale….and without hesitation she’d offered her home as a place for them to stay. Sure, there were five of them and she lived in a three-bedroom apartment with two roommates, but….

And then there was the evening Javi had taken Kurt to the studio where he and Tonio had met. It was very small and no one was around, which is what Javi had intended. He’d called to ask for the keys and security code which were given to him without reservation. Even thought the studio had remained small, it had more than enough clientele simply by virtual of the fact that it was known as “the place where Mateo began.”

Kurt had heard the story of how they’d met many times, so in some ways it felt very familiar. He could almost see Antonio stopping by after Javi had finished with a recording session as a backup singer, standing in the doorway watching him, Javi completely unaware of his presence. It wasn’t like they hadn’t known each other already, but they were more acquaintances than friends.

He could hear the nostalgia in Javi’s voice as he recounted the tale again, this time pointing out exactly where he had been stuffing things into his backpack, and then turning to leave, finding Antonio in the doorway. Kurt had rarely been jealous of Antonio. In fact, at times he was downright thankful for him! He was the foundation for Kurt and Javi’s successful relationship and he’d unwittingly helped in Kurt’s discovering his passion. Destiny, as Javi called it.

If Javi was feeling anything other than nostalgic, he didn’t let on to Kurt. And Kurt was so busy looking around and asking questions he probably wouldn’t have noticed what was just below the surface. Javi had grown very adept at masking the anger….in today’s parlance this studio, that park bench would have been called triggers. It seemed that all the counseling in the world couldn’t rid him of it. And of course he’d been told that until he found a better way to deal with it, places in his past, in their past would continue to be a trigger.

Refocusing on Kurt’s interest, pointing out this and that, he even managed to laugh once or twice. But while Javi was fighting his own invisible battle, Kurt began to feel more and more uneasy. He took off the light jacket he was wearing. When had it become so hot and stuffy in here? Well, it was a pretty small place, he conceded.

But as Javi chattered away about times past, Kurt’s discomfort grew, the stagnant air settling over him, “Javito, aren’t you hot?” he queried, to which Javi replied in his playful way, “Well, I don’t know mi amor, shouldn’t you be the one to answer that? My opinion would probably be very biased,” sure he would hear Kurt’s laughter, but he didn’t.

Letting go of Kurt’s hand, he turned to really look at him, thinking of leaning in for a kiss, until he saw the guarded look on his face, his eyes shifting as if searching the room for something that he wasn’t sure he would find. And along with taking off his jacket, he’d rolled his sleeves up. Kurt was serious!

“No, not particularly…it seems fine to me.” But he took off his own jacket just to test the temperature around him. He wasn’t hot or cold, but Kurt was obviously disturbed. “What’s wrong, Kurt?” Not the usual playful Kurtito. He could see that his concern was genuine.

“I don’t….um…I don’t really know,” Kurt said, his eyes roaming the room again, “it feels so hot….and like the air is heavy…really, you don’t feel it?” And then it was like a lightbulb switched on in Kurt’s mind. Taking Javi’s hand, he urged him out of the room, “Let’s go….please Javi….” Kurt pleaded, tugging at his arm. Javi didn’t try to stop him or ask questions. Kurt looked like a deer in the headlights and he knew fear when he saw it. He was no longer worried about revealing his own fears, but for an entirely different reason, or at least that’s what he thought.

As soon as they’d pushed through the door that led to the street, Kurt slid to the sidewalk against the building, his head between his legs, gulping air like there wasn’t enough in the world to fill his lungs. Javi quietly sat down beside him, allowing him to gather his thoughts, to recuperate. From what he didn’t know, but he hoped Kurt could shed some light on the subject.

“My God!” Kurt wanted to gather Javi into his arms, feeling the comfort and security of his body entwined with his own, but this was neither the time or place for that. “You really didn’t feel it, did you?” he asked, hoping one last time that the answer would be yes.

“What was it like mi amor? What do you think it was?” He wasn’t going to pretend that perhaps Kurt had imagined it. “It was like when you were in that bedroom at Blaine’s, wasn’t it?” His shoulders slumped, wanting to wish it away. This frightened him and he wanted to get this conversation over with as fast as he could and return to the safety of life on this side of the vale that separated….perhaps saved them?….from what lay beyond.

“Yeah….it was just like that….just like that, ” he gulped some more air. “And that was the room where Tonio first asked you out, wasn’t it? Not just a conversation about music or life in general? The room where Tonio and Javi would become linked forever, right?”

Javi had never thought of it that way exactly, but that was a perfect description. Javi loosened his grip on Kurt’s hand, not caring who saw that he’d been holding it. He’d asked Kurt numerous times if he was sure he’d never experienced anything that felt….supernatural? He wasn’t going to ask again. Whether he had in the past no longer mattered! He was feeling it now and it obviously had something to do with the dream, with Tonio, with….what?

“Come on, bebe, there’s a cantina a couple blocks from here, let’s go get a drink,” Although they rarely went out to bars, with the exception of The Rafters or a place that Javi might be playing for fun in San Diego, it sounded like a great idea right now. Kurt needed something to steady his nerves….and if Javi was being honest he needed something to settle his own ragged nerves.

The place wasn’t exclusively a gay bar but Javi, and by extension, Tonio, had spent a lot of time here through the years, especially before the over-the-top success of Mateo. It wasn’t much larger than the studio they’d just left and before he could think about it, as soon as they walked in the door, he wondered if Kurt would feel Tonio’s presence here? Why hadn’t he thought of that? They could have just gone back to the hotel! But he’d been in a hurry. He knew a single drink could sometimes soothe Kurt quickly because he drank so little and he hated seeing Kurt in pain.

Testing his own feelings, he realized the anger had disappeared somewhere between Kurt’s reaction and their short walk here.

“Hey, Javi, como va (how’s it going)?” despite everything, it was nice to be somewhere he knew so well. Even after all these years, some of the personnel was still the same. “Hey, Jose! A couple shots of tequila, por favor?” He guided Kurt to a table in the darkest part of the room. Normally, he wouldn’t have ordered for Kurt, but he was well aware of the palliative effects that a single shot of tequila could provide.

Once their shots had arrived, Javi glanced at Kurt. Usually, they’d make a small toast to something silly, but no words were necessary as they each downed the tequila in one swallow. Kurt squinched his eyes a bit as the alcohol traveled from his lips to his stomach, releasing a long breath. Neither spoke for a minute or two, letting the tequila wash over their frayed nerves.

Javi waited. He wasn’t going to ask Kurt to repeat the details of the experience unless he offered to. They’d been down this path many, many times, yes, with the road seeming to twist along different curves and occasionally running into some roadblocks, so if anything needed to be said, he knew Kurt would offer.

When Kurt finally raised his eyes to meet Javi’s he saw a steely determination in them. “Look, I don’t have the answers to whatever this is, but I’m not going to let it ruin your time….no, our time….here, in Mexico, with your family. We can discuss it when we get home,” Kurt said, already tucking it away in his compartmentalized brain. Javi gave him a long look and simply nodded.

But even as he did so, the idea that had started to creep into his consciousness finally worked its way through to the surface. His anger towards Tonio was something he’d been able to keep at bay since he met Kurt. And he had hoped it was actually gone, but now they’d known each other for over a year. They were settling into what was becoming a long-term relationship. Maybe his mind thought it was safe to allow the anger to surface again. “Make no mistake,” his mind whispered, “I’m not going away. It’s past time to deal with this!”

And now was not the time to bring it up, to Kurt anyway. Kurt seemed okay with putting it aside and waiting until they were back in California. Kurt was coping with this situation far better than Javi was and he wasn’t even the one having nightmares! He wasn’t the one encountering things no one could see! Except for the chill of the room in Blaine’s apartment, Javi’d felt nothing.

But his thoughts wouldn’t allow him to shove them aside until he acknowledged one thing – what if his hidden anger was a catalyst for the dream….and everything else that seemed to be building upon it? What if he’d unsuccessfully tried to stuff his anger in a box in their storage locker along with that shattered picture frame and a huge piece of Kurt’s past?

Okay! There it was. No point in running from it anymore. Even if it had nothing to do with the dream or the unsettling phenomena, it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t healing….in fact it was hell! He reached for Kurt’s hand and said, “Let’s go.”

Categories
WRITE ON!

STILL CHRISTIAN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS….AND WHY

SUBTITLE: FROM A CHRISTIAN FAN FICTION WRITER – A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS? AN OXYMORON? YOU DECIDE.

This is the first of what I’ve chosen to call WRITE ON! The holiday season brought what follows to mind. I wrote it a few years ago more for myself than anyone else. I’m not sharing it to proselytize. Not to convince you that what I believe is something you should believe. And certainly not to make you uncomfortable. I share it because it’s a part of me, the writer.

Many may question my faith by virtue of the type of fan fiction I write. The videos that I share. The pictures that accompany my chapters. To be honest, I occasionally question what I’m doing within the context of my Christian beliefs. But I have to question my faith, my actions, my words whether they be written or spoken, sometimes daily, to help me grow as a human.

Sadly, (I think) I do not share my fan fiction with family or friends. They certainly wouldn’t find it acceptable. I often hear their voices in my head trying to convince me that I’m shaming my faith, the church, and Jesus himself. There are only two people offline who know about my writings and, I suppose, not surprisingly, they are much younger than me and are disillusioned with the church as a whole at the moment.


SUBTITLE: FROM A CHRISTIAN FAN FICTION WRITER – A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS? AN OXYMORON? YOU DECIDE.

This is the first of what I’ve chosen to call WRITE ON! The holiday season brought what follows to mind. I wrote it a few years ago more for myself than anyone else. I’m not sharing it to proselytize. Not to convince you that what I believe is something you should believe. And certainly not to make you uncomfortable. I share it because it’s a part of me, the writer.

Many may question my faith by virtue of the type of fan fiction I write. The videos that I share. The pictures that accompany my chapters. To be honest, I occasionally question what I’m doing within the context of my Christian beliefs. But I have to question my faith, my actions, my words whether they be written or spoken, sometimes daily, to help me grow as a human.

Having said all that, I wish you all very happy holidays whichever ones you may celebrate! Christmas is celebrated for many reasons, but in the end it all comes down to what Jesus taught…in a single word, LOVE!

STILL CHRISTIAN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS…AND WHY

I have been a follower of Christ for 26 years. I was not born into a family that practiced any religion, but we observed all the Christian holidays, so in that sense I had at a peripheral knowledge of Jesus, the man. When I stop to think about what I profess to believe it sounds pretty ridiculous, a man born a Jew proclaimed he was the Son of God, the Messiah, God in the flesh (REALLY????).

Jesus lived a short life and for about 3 years of it centered his proclamations and teachings around a small area surrounding Jerusalem, he did everything possible to provoke the leaders of the Jewish faith. He offered them nothing they wanted. They already had power. If they wanted their Messiah at all, they wanted a conquering, Rome-defeating Messiah to restore more of their power to what they felt was its rightful place.

Jesus said that was not why he came and refused to play their game. In the end, the power-hungry Jewish leaders used the power-hungry Romans to kill him, and this is where Jesus decided to play their game. (HUH???? REALLY???) He prophesied he would die a horrifying death, be buried and rise again 3 days later (OH, PLEEEAAASE!). He did this to conquer sin and death for all humans, not just those who choose to believe.

Because he was resurrected, rose again and was seen by many for 40 days after, he proved that the humans he died for would live after death – the afterlife.

Yes, that is what I believe, but I didn’t always believe that. As I said, it sounds pretty ridiculous if you don’t believe it. How did I come to this point? My pastor used a good illustration. When we are born, whether we like it or not, we are handed a script to live by.

In America, that script usually goes something like this. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, the pursuit of further education, more money, and a family, whatever that family may look like. Most of us spend our lives running in a rat race, following other power-hungry people who provide us with “good” jobs leading to houses with mortgages, debt, cars and all forms of things which in our culture represent “happiness” even if the pursuit ruins our health and our sanity.

Of course, not everyone in America lives or thinks this way, but the way most of us live here is a variation on that theme; even we Christians get sucked into this anxiety-ridden way of life. If Christians look at what we truly believe is the way we should be living, it should look nothing like the above scenario.

We follow a Savior who had no permanent residence, no mode of travel other than on foot or by donkey, shared meals and lives with all kinds of people, rich, poor, sick, young, old, even LGBTQ, etc., who delivered the above “ridiculous” message and then did the most sacrificial thing one can do for another. He offered up his life for all humans.

I came to this point of belief by living the above-described American life and through illness and a time of long self-assessment discovered that I didn’t even remotely like what I saw and needed to rethink the whole stinkin’ mess!

I gave God an opening and He took it. Why Christianity, as ridiculous as it sounds? My faith teaches about a God who comes to me not the other way around. He wanted me long before I ever wanted Him. A God who stoops so low as to become one of His own creatures and then goes through the door of the thing we fear the most (death) to show us how deep His love goes. No other faith, belief system, religion teaches that.

There have been many times I thought of walking away, but I can’t or won’t. Without a true relationship with my Creator, I have nothing but the same old life I had with no truth in it, just a bunch of ideas I create for myself. Self-worship just doesn’t make anyone “happy.”

There are days I wonder why I believe what I believe or even if I believe; faith is what I must rely on, which also brings me to the Church. The Church is just a body of believers who struggle with life and because they struggle just like I do, they become a support system. Of course, there are times when the people we struggle with are more a hindrance than a help, but I’ve already got that anyway with those who don’t believe as I do, so why give up on the one place that helps me 99% of the time?

No, I cannot reduce Jesus to four simple steps in a pamphlet, a bumper sticker, a particular book or to 3 bullet points on an overhead. I cannot force anyone to believe nor do I want to try. I can only keep on keepin’ on and follow the foot steps.

Categories
ENGLISH: REAL LOVE (AMAR DE VERDAD) FEATURING KURT, JAVI, BLAINE & JEFF WILSON - COMPLETE

CHAPTER 5 – WINTER LOVE

10 Cute Winter Date Ideas (for Gay Couples Living in the Cold)

Glancing around the theater one last time, his eyes taking in the sets neatly hidden away, Javi left through the nearest exit with a sigh of relief and a huge smile on his face. A two-week break! Christmas was right around the corner and the producers were taking a holiday break, a much-needed one for all concerned. The show was having a long and successful run in LA and was still drawing crowds, but to accommodate the season, they’d decided to offer some traditional holiday fare. After the first of the year the decision as to whether they should remain in LA awhile longer or move on to another venue would be made – they’d certainly had plenty of takers – but that was as far from Javi’s mind as he was from Mexico City. Although Mexico City was certainly on his mind.

“Javi! You know mama would be thrilled! It would be the best Christmas gift anyone could give her this year! You haven’t been home for Christmas since the day you left!” After his last FaceTime visit with his sister, Bela, he’d been considering taking Kurt there for a visit. His parents were still separated, his papa living in the family home in Quintana Roo and his mama living with Bela for what was turning into an indefinite visit. Maybe it wasn’t exactly what anyone would call the ideal time for him to be introducing her to his “hombre joven (young man),” as his mama liked to call Kurt but……

With Bela’s assurances it suddenly seemed like the perfect time to Javi. His father wouldn’t be there for a whole host of reasons. He hated cities like CDMX (Mexico City), its 500 plus square miles grasping like tentacles over the mesas, stopped only by the mountains surrounding it….with a population of almost ten million. And Christmas was sacred. Preparation consumed all of his time in December, managing three choirs, organizing the Christmas programs while still finding time to celebrate the joy of the season.

But Javi knew that even with all of that, he’d be with his mama at Christmas if it weren’t for his distain, bordering on hatred, of his children’s life choices. Yes, he still believed, insisted! that Javi had chosen to be gay. The mental picture that always accompanied that thought still haunted him, waving his hand eagerly in the air declaring, “Pick me!” as if someone was seeking volunteers for the dubious honor of living a life on the Island of Misfit Toys. His three siblings’ decisions to leave Quintana Roo to pursue their own dreams paled in comparison.

He would never willingly subject Kurt to that even though he knew Kurt would face his father’s disapproval with the strength and bravery he’d exhibited all of his life. Kurt had slapped the face of that attitude at the age of 13, pushing past it time and time again with a determination that exceeded even his father’s excessive condemnation.

But his mama had made an equally brave choice to leave his papa for the sake of having a relationship with her four children. She was adamant that she would not return to Quintana Roo until he relented. The almost complete absence of Rico, Lalo, Bela and Javi had turned her world to black and white. But no more!

He was waiting to talk it over with Kurt, still somewhat hesitant. Ever since they’d met the idea of them traveling together to Mexico had been a bone of contention and he wanted to be positive he and Kurt were ready. Well, probably that he was ready more than Kurt. Kurt had never fully understood why visiting Mexico was such a big deal, but Kurt hadn’t grown up in Mexico. Javi could tell him the dangers from now until the end of time and it wouldn’t matter. He lived out and proud no matter where he went while Javi was still sitting on the floor of his self-imposed closet.

He’d never made a formal announcement, even though the Mexican press had hounded him relentlessly. His worldwide fans were, for the most part, accepting of what seemed to be an open secret, including those in Central and South America. But Mexico? There were a million reasons he hadn’t come out in Mexico, not the least of which was the embarrassment and ridicule that would almost certainly befall his family. He mentally adjusted that – not his whole family. His papa, a pastor, a church choir director – it would destroy him unless…..Javi had stopped tiptoeing past the hope of “unless” long ago.

Javi’s bags were packed and ready for the short flight to San Diego. He hadn’t been home in months and he was looking forward to it with great anticipation. Sitting in the airport waiting area, the music from his headphones keeping him company, his thoughts took him on a short cruise of his past. The airports, backstage, sound checks, hotel rooms, his passion for performing propelling him, on tour for months at a time, him and Tonio and Rigo…and then just him and the road crew.

Todo Cambio….the song they’d written for each other never realizing how prophetic the words would be to their futures. Everything HAD (Todo cambio) changed when he and Tonio met…but the fans had turned it into a Mateo theme song, loudly requesting it at every concert. And always another time…another stage…another sound check….a place where they could be just Tonio and Javi singing a song to each other without worry that the crowd would pick up on the true nature of the relationship…



Todo Cambió (English translation)


Everything changed when I saw you
From black and white to color I changed
 
And it was so easy
Loving you so
Something I never imagined [doing]
Was giving you my love
With one look
 
Everything quivered
Inside of me
It was written by the universe that you’d belong to me
 
And it was so easy
Loving you so
Something I never imagined [doing]
Was losing myself in your love
It just happened
And now I am all yours
 
Before I spend anymore
Time at your side, love
I must say that you’re the love of my life
Before I love you any more
Please listen
Let me say that I’ve given you everything
It’s difficult to explain
But it’s even harder to take notice
It just struck me that way
When I saw you
 
I was surprised
By everything about you
From black and white to color
I changed
 
I know it’s not easy
Saying I love you
Nor did I expect it to be
But that’s the way love goes
It just happened
And now I am all yours
 
Before I spend anymore
Time with you
I must say that you’re the love of my life
Before I love you anymore
Please listen
Let me say that I’ve given you everything
And it’s difficult to explain
But it’s even harder to take notice
It just struck me that way
When I saw you
 
Everything changed
When I saw you

But now that Kurt was in his life, the concept of home meant so much more to him. They’d be spending their second Christmas together. He smiled at the thought of the upcoming decorating party, evergreen trees in almost every room, friends he’d come to think of as family carefully adorning the branches with the precious ornamental gems he’d lovingly collected from every country he’d visited.

His friends had deemed him a Christmas fanatic with an unquenchable obsession…and he had to agree with them. He’d grown up with the church calendar as a backdrop to his life and he clung to many of those traditions as part of his faith. It may not look like his father’s version of Christmas or faith, but he’d had to come to terms with that long ago, finally realizing that satisfying his papa’s perceptions of faith wasn’t what mattered. His faith was firmly planted in God, in the Christian tradition. His faith had rarely wavered, even when he was living rough in Mexico City, fleeing Quintana Roo to fulfill his destiny.

It seemed far longer than a year ago that he and Kurt had celebrated their first Christmas. He removed the gold bracelet with a raised infinity symbol of black onyx in the center. It was engraved on the inside with Kurt’s first name and the words, “My lover, my friend, my soulmate December 2,” his favorite gift. December 2 – the day they’d exchanged the words “I love you” for the first time.

He could still hear Kurt’s squeal of delight when he’d held up the key ring that bore the keys to Javi’s house, inviting him to move in with him. He kept the keys to what had become their house in the satchel he took with him everywhere. And very Kurt-like, he’d made a spare front door key that he’d hidden in one of the decorative birdhouses in the backyard just in case.

Javi smiled to himself. The rest of the keys were kept in a box hidden in Kurt’s sanctuary room and as far as Javi knew he’d never used the two keys he’d requested not be used unless he asked Javi beforehand. Sometimes he almost wished Kurt wasn’t so meticulous, so respectful of others’ property almost to a fault. He really wanted to see his face the first time he went to the basement, but that was for another time…or maybe not at all. He’d know if and when the time was right.

One of his favorite Christmas songs was I’ll Be Home by Meghan Trainor. He’d hoped to release it himself as a cover. But this year there’d been no time or energy…maybe next year. As he hummed it to himself it began to take on a whole new meaning. Returning to Mexico to the family he loved…..returning to San Diego to his lover, his friend, his soul mate….he’d be with all of his “loves” for Christmas.


I’LL BE HOME

Santa called to make sure I’m prepared
He said, “Winter love is spreading everywhere”
Summer came and took off with the spring
So now we start the Christmas caroling
I’ll find my way back home
And light up every tree
We will hang our stockings for you and one for me
‘Cause Santa called to make sure I’m prepared
He said, “Pack your bags and tell them you’ll be there”
I’ll be home with my love
This Christmas
I promise, I promise
I’ll be home with my love
This Christmas
I promise, I promise I’ll be home
Oh-oh
I’ll be home
(I’ll be home)
Santa called to make sure I’m prepared
He said, “Wrap the gifts with all your love and care”
The wind, it blows the snow up in the sky
But I won’t let the wind delay my flight
I’ll be home with my love
This Christmas
I promise, I promise
I’ll be home with my love
This Christmas
I promise, I promise I’ll be home
I’ll be home
I’ll be home
I promise, I promise I’ll be home
I’ll be home
I’ll be home (I’ll be home)
Santa called to make sure I’m prepared
He said, “Pack your bags and tell him you’ll be there”
I’ll be home with my love
This Christmas (I’ll be home)
I promise, I promise
I’ll be home with my love
This Christmas (I’ll be home)
I promise, I promise I’ll be home
I’ll be home
I’ll be home (home)
I’ll be home with my love
This Christmas
I promise, I promise, I’ll be home

Kurt and Adam had lugged the last of countless storage boxes into the living room. After last year, he’d known what to expect and, of course, Javi had added a few more trinkets as he did every year. Was there anywhere in the world that sold Christmas ornaments that Javi hadn’t discovered?

Tonight would be Kurt’s last class until after the new year. He absolutely loved what he was doing! His passion for writing, his talent for teaching….everything fed his imagination. Of course it was work! Alot of work! But it brought him endless joy.

“Are we still discussing the fantasies tonight?” Adam asked, interrupting Kurt’s thoughts. He didn’t have to say what fantasies. “The fantasies” had been front and center in their minds ever since Kurt had proposed the idea of exchanging them. Not surprisingly, Adam and Ethan had even discussed their respective fantasies in a general sense with one other couple. Technically, they weren’t supposed to discuss them at all, except with their partner, but what was Kurt going to do? Slap their hands with a ruler? Take the fantasy away and take everyone else’s away, too, like punishment in kindergarten? And Kurt wasn’t oblivious. In some ways his forbidding discussion was his way of getting his students to discuss it with whomever they chose. The more dialogue, the better, was his real philosophy. Another talent he hadn’t realized he had, the ability to read human nature and use it to his best advantage. He tried not to think of it as manipulation….more like facilitation? Okay, so maybe a little of both.

“Yeah, why?” Adam should have known by now that Kurt walked a straight line from point A to point B and if anything happened to interrupt his alphabetic march, he would text everyone immediately. There were rare surprises when it came to Kurt’s classes, except perhaps in the subject matter.

“Well, um….I thought maybe I should forewarn you….” he hesitated, but underneath the irresistible urge to gossip was a true concern. “Jesse and Jared…..look I know we’re not supposed to discuss this stuff with other people, but they picked up this really out there fantasy and they don’t know what to do with it.” “They don’t have to do anything with it, remember? That’s totally up to them. The fantasy exchange was just a way to show you all what can be not what has to be. Sure, I think playing them out might be fun and give everyone a fresh perspective, but compulsory sex is not part of my curriculum, Adam….although it would make for an interesting chapter in the book,” Kurt chuckled.

Adam crossed his arms and rolled his eyes to the ceiling, then settled them on Kurt’s face. “That’s sort of the problem….it’s not that they don’t want to try it….it’s that they don’t know how….or with whom….look, I guess I just have to be plain. It’s a fantasy about…..watching…” his voice trailed off, still choking on the right words.

Ahhhhhh!!!! So that was the “problem.” At first Kurt was a little surprised. He had sort of expected that he might find out who had picked up he and Javi’s fantasy, but he hadn’t expected to hear the information from anyone but the couple themselves. Like maybe they’d come to him privately. After all, even Javi had been a bit stunned by Kurt’s idea.

The tiny seed that had planted itself in his mind when he’d first conceived of this assignment, for lack of a better word, began to take root and grow. In some ways he knew that he’d had a secret hope that he would find the couple or individual who might be interested in playing it out right here, in his circle of students and friends. On the other hand, he still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to fulfill the fantasy with one of the couples in his classes. It could go wrong in a thousand different ways. But now wasn’t the time to examine the potentials. Perhaps Jesse and Jared would approach him themselves…and perhaps not.

Yet, he couldn’t resist. Putting on a clueless but serious face he looked at Adam and said, “Watching?” Adam was squirming, his eyes darting away from Kurt’s every time he tried to make eye contact, “Yeah, you know….observing? Watching! Geez, Kurt do I have to spell it out?” Kurt snickered, “It would appear that you do, but do you mean voyeurism, v-o-y-e-u-r-i-s-m?” “Uhhhh, you and your fifty dollar words! Yeah, I guess that’s it.” “Well, why didn’t you just say so?” Kurt laughed again. “Stop it, Kurt! It’s not funny! Just like that day when you joked about a threesome, remember? Not funny!” How could he forget! Adam had practically ran from the poolside patio to the front door! This was just Kurt’s way of getting back at Adam for all the grief he gave him at his own expense.

Relenting, Kurt said, “Okay, alright, thanks for the heads up. But do you really find that fantasy particularly distasteful or out there as you said?” Still obviously uncomfortable, Adam said, “I don’t know….it’s just something I’ve never really thought about….I mean in the way it’s described in that…..so okay, watching Ethan doing something….like that…just him and me, we’ve done that…but doing it with other people?” poor Adam was so tied in knots. “Don’t you think it’s….”

“Adam, what I think doesn’t really matter, but for the record, yes, I’ve thought about it…we’ve thought about, and since you ask…..like anything else, if it’s completely consensual? Why not? All you have to do is Google it to find out how many people don’t think it’s wrong or find it out there,” Kurt said, putting the word wrong in air quotes. “All that really matters is what the people engaged in it think. And remember, a good portion of the world still thinks that being gay is wrong! That what we do and who we are is wrong!” Kurt tried to calm himself, not wanting to reveal that Javi’s real-life half-hiddenness was still never far from his mind.

“Okay, yeah, of course….I see your point….it’s just…” “That you’ve never thought about it or tried it and that makes you leery, ” Kurt finished Adam’s sentence. “Can we talk about something else?” Adam pled. It was moments like these that Adam wondered who’d kidnapped the real Kurt Hummel. In the past it had been Kurt begging to talk about something else…..anything but sex or his personal life. But Kurt let it go…the subject turned to the upcoming decorating party Javi had almost every year, what edible delights Chef Adam had in store for the gathering, what gifts they might be considering for Javi and Ethan.

“So, let’s get down to business,” Kurt said attempting to turn the chatter around to the topic of this night’s class. It had been hard getting everyone settled. Christmas and the upcoming party proved to be a mighty distraction. And for once Kurt wasn’t watching the clock making sure that everything went as he’d planned, ending class at precisely 9:30.

“Anyone want to volunteer something they’ve discovered with this lesson? Have any of you attempted the fantasy you chose…and no you don’t have to tell us or go into detail unless you want to. Or did it give you an idea for another fantasy…..or maybe made you curious enough to do some research on your own? If you did, where did you find the info if you want to share it. It might help others begin to know where to look.”

As usual, even after all the months they’d been meeting, it was like watching a flock of birds perched on a power line, turning their heads to look at each other, waiting for the first one to chirp.

Rich and Dennis looked at each other and sort of nodded, “Okay, so what if you’re not monogamous?” Everyone knew that they weren’t, which wasn’t really that uncommon among gay couples. In fact, for it to work you had to have a very high level of trust, maybe even more than those who embraced monogamy. “I mean, what if your fantasy is something like you want someone you’ve met….and um….had sex with to also meet your partner? It’s one thing to have an open relationship and another to….I guess sort of combine….your outside interests with your partner. For us, the only ground rules are that we practice safe sex and we let the other know after it happens. We don’t want to know who. And sometimes we bring things into our relationship that we’ve learned from….um someone else….but, like I said….what if one of us…or even both of us….wants them to meet a….well, for lack of a better word….hookup?”

Hmmmm…this was a scenario Kurt had never considered, but then why would he? He’d never been in an open relationship. And it wasn’t Kurt’s teaching method to answer all of the questions. He encouraged lots of discussion. Kaden spoke up, “Well, if you’re both okay with it, what’s the problem? But why would you want to have your partner meet a one-nighter? Isn’t that sort of the purpose of hookups?” Someone else ventured, “Yeah! If you wanted to introduce your partner to someone you’ve only had sex with wouldn’t it sort of imply that that person meant more to you than a simple hookup?” Others nodded. “I’d say unless you have a very good reason to introduce them….well, I’m not you, but it would make me wonder why this person in particular.”

“Okay….so maybe the reason is you think this person could teach you both something or maybe you wanted to try a threesome. If your relationship is grounded and you really trust each other, you should be able to get all the obstacles out in the open beforehand, right?” Rich said. Ben spoke up, “But…and this is just me….wouldn’t you kind of be risking one or the other of you developing feelings for that person? Do you want to turn your twosome into a threesome permanently?” And round and round it went, flowing from that topic into yet another as they all began to relax into the subject.

He’d arrived at the airport considerably earlier than his scheduled flight as always…and now they were announcing it would be arriving late. Maybe he should have just driven to San Diego. Even this early in December, the airlines were overburdened with holiday travelers. Oh, well, another hour wasn’t going to make a significant difference in their plans.

Might as well get comfortable again, he thought, letting his mind take him back to the last night, mulling over the evening, his ideas, Kurt’s call. And for now he had the luxury of time.

Javi had gratefully sunk into the curves of the recliner, a glass of wine resting on the table beside him. Time to think! It felt good to let his mind relax. Just like Kurt he was beginning to feel the wear and tear of the play combined with living in LA, something he never intended to be permanent. But that wasn’t what he wanted to think about right now; that could wait until after Christmas. He wanted to plan a real surprise fantasy for him and Kurt. They hadn’t been together in their home in San Diego for months, much less made love there, and he missed that. They’d talked about a whole host of fantasies, but mostly as it applied to Kurt’s classes. They were just too busy, plain and simple. No! he corrected himself, they were simply letting their busyness get in the way….and that needed to be fixed.

He looked around the apartment, although why he was seeking inspiration from a room so utilitarian he didn’t know. Someday he’d get around to decorating the place; he’d never planned to live in it indefinitely. Sipping his wine, he lowered the lighting and closed his eyes.

All sorts of ideas flitted through his mind, some similar to things they’d already done, some that he and Tonio had brought to life, but none that really said, “Yes! This is perfect!” Finally, he quit trying to force something suitable onto the pages of the script he was trying to create. It had been a long day….a long week really and he was tired. He’d have time to think about it tomorrow. He let the wine lull him to sleep, fully clothed sitting upright on the couch.

That had certainly been a lively discussion! These were the nights, the classes, that Kurt lived for. It didn’t just give him more ideas and thoughts for his book and future classes, but it also knit the group together even more. The fact that they discussed it outside of class as Adam had indicated told him that they were becoming comfortable with each other, more so than they had been before. He hoped that also extended to knitting the couples’ relationship together even more as well.

As everyone was collecting their class materials, Jesse approached him and waited until he was done talking with another class member. “Kurt, can I….we….um….can we talk to you for a minute?” Jared hung back as if waiting for an invitation. After all, Jesse knew Kurt better than he did, and he wanted to wait to see if Kurt had the time and was willing to broach the subject of their assigned fantasy. “Always!” he replied, quietly leading them toward the couch that took up space inside the alcove.

“Well, I know we should be comfortable talking about this stuff with each other by now….but it still feels kind of weird…” Trying to put them more at ease he said, “It’s okay, what we discuss in this class is highly personal and sensitive. Take your time.” By now Kurt was pretty sure he knew what they wanted to talk about, but he didn’t let on, keeping a poker face. “It’s about the fantasy we got….” He reached over and took Jared’s hand. “It’s…um…something we’re sort of interested in trying, but we don’t know how to go about….um…”

Kurt interrupted Jesse’s rambling with, “First, tell me what the fantasy is about; that might help.” Jesse and Jared looked at each other, still appearing uneasy. “It’s about….voyeurism…..watching…..you know….” Kurt attempted to appear relieved and confident in his response, “Okay, so are you both interested or just one of you?” Although they’d spent many an hour hashing it over, still, they glanced at each other again for reassurance. “Both of us,” Jesse said as Jared nodded his agreement.

“So what’s your biggest concern?” Kurt asked like this was a conversation people had every day. “I guess finding the right person or couple. And we don’t want to….um….well…I don’t want to watch someone have sex with Jared and the same for him. We want to watch them and vice versa. But….we don’t want everybody…” he slid his eyes to a cluster of classmates chatting in a corner. “I get it,” Kurt said, “and I understand completely. You don’t want to be the subject of the latest gossip at The Rafters,” the three of them knowing full well that that was almost impossible. Adam’s revelation earlier in the day was clearly a case in point. Everyone in this room had been a hot topic at some point – the price they paid for living in a closely knit neighborhood.

“And we’d like to try it with someone we already know, if possible. We’re not sure doing it with strangers would fit for us. Doing it with someone we know would make it more intimate? interesting? not like watching porn or a movie I guess?”

“Ahhhhh, I see your dilemma….let me think about this, okay? One thing you may want to think about if you haven’t already is that in doing this with friends or acquaintances it might create a whole new dynamic in your relationship with them, which could be good or bad.”

Finally, Jesse spoke up, “Thanks, Kurt. At first we wanted to tear up that piece of paper and throw it as far away as we possibly could, but then the idea started to grow on us. We even did some online research,” Jesse said, as if this was a novel idea. “Sure…give me until after the holidays?” “Yeah, that would be fine. Just talking about it makes it seem….I don’t know what to call it. I just feel better about it is all.”

Blaine was equally as glad to have two weeks off! And Jeff had managed to get a whole week off, making frantic trades for the past couple months. He knew it hadn’t been easy. Everyone wanted the holidays off! But, thankfully, it had all fallen into place and Jersey was due to arrive in LA in two days.

It had been so much fun decorating their apartment together! Last year he’d reluctantly decorated for Christmas with Susan, his roommate at the time. She’d coaxed him into getting down the ornaments that he and Kurt had used, the only ones he had. Last year at this time he’d been weeping over a box full of memories wondering where his life was headed and why he wanted Kurt to still be a part of it. And only a couple of weeks later his life had changed forever. Jeff was the best Christmas present he’d ever received.

He laughed at the festive wreath they’d placed on the door of the Green Room; the Celery Room sounded sort of ridiculous. They were just trying to put the best face on it. It didn’t feel like just a spare bedroom anymore. Neither wanted to think or talk about the happenings and negative vibes that had existed within its walls only a few short weeks ago. Jeff had suggested a sprig of mistletoe, but Blaine said he didn’t want to kiss anyone under the door header of that room. And Jeff had to agree.

Since removing the broken picture frame and the photo it contained, taking it to Kurt and Javi’s storage locker, nothing untoward had happened. True, they hadn’t been back in the room, that was tempting fate way too much for them, but the whole apartment seemed to breath a sigh of relief. Maybe it was just their imaginations, but Blaine didn’t really care.

The dream had persisted, but he had only had it once since carrying that disturbing object out the door. He’d texted with Kurt briefly just yesterday, touching base about their common problem. Kurt had had the dream twice, but hardly anything had changed, except his dreams now included the room with celery-colored walls. Blaine had always marveled at the fact that Kurt could dream in color. His dreams were never in color, but the contents of this dream were colorful enough without adding to it.

Javi had been awakened by the chirp of his phone. His groggy mind glanced at the text from Kurt, “Have time to talk?” Ever considerate, that was his Kurtito! Maybe he had more on his mind than just talking or maybe not, but he treasured every single interaction they had, especially when they were apart. He replied with a waving hand emoji and the next thing he knew his hands were holding the ringing phone. Swiping to the left, he heard Kurt’s voice say, “Who loves ya, baby?”

Javi laughed, still trying to focus. “Well, I’m hoping it’s you, mi tom kitty!” “I woke you up, didn’t I?” Kurt said, “I’m sorry.” “It’s just the wine.” “You’re drinking alone? You know what they say about that….” “Okay, mama, I don’t need a lecture on solitary drinking. It was only one glass. So, are you calling to give me a lecture on behavior modification or maybe a lesson in….sexual behavior modification.” Sexy time phone tag was one of their favorite games, along with FaceTime tag. They’d tried texting tag, but it hadn’t worked very well. Texting wasn’t conducive to creating a sexy atmosphere.

“Mmmmm……maybe a little of both. After what I have to tell you….I guess one could lead to the other.” Javi tried not to yawn into the phone, but failed, “So what is it you want to tell me?” He asked, hearing the guarded excitement in Kurt’s voice. “This is just a big maybe….but I may have found someone to help us with our voyeurism fantasy.”

Javi hesitated, “Wait, don’t go any further. That was your fantasy, not ours…well, not completely. And when you say someone do you mean one person or a couple?” “A couple. And before you ask, yes, we know them, but I’m not telling you who until we get closer to a real something happening.” In some ways, Javi was still a bit uncertain about this particular development in their lives, “What was their reasoning behind why they wanted to try this?” Kurt was silent for a second, gathering his thoughts. He wanted to get this right. “They didn’t want to watch each other have sex with someone else…let’s see, they wanted to watch another couple and vice versa….and they wanted it to be with people they knew. They liked the intimacy of that idea and thought it would be more of a turn-on. More forbidden maybe? However, they were aware of the obvious stumbling block. They didn’t want it to become common knowledge. I need more time to think about it and to discuss it with you, of course, so I put it off until after the first of the year.”

Again, Javi was silent and Kurt allowed it. This was a major step for them. This was something he hadn’t tried with Tonio. Sure, it was something he’d thought about and read about. When you tried to maintain a strong sexual bond through fantasy you often needed more than just your own imagination. And in that research he’d discovered that there truly was nothing new under the sun. Consensual voyeurism was a very common fantasy, but not everyone was comfortable enough to actually attempt it in a monogamous relationship. “Well, we have alot of time to think about it then,” he said, returning his thoughts to the moment.

“Yeah, I mean even though it started out as my fantasy….obviously you and everyone else involved has to be comfortable with it and trust is definitely a huge issue in this case. Always going back to the foundation, aren’t we?” He queried referring to one of the cornerstones of Foundational Cake Baking*** CHAPTER 20 FOUNDATIONAL CAKE BAKING 101 – KLAINE BASED FAN FICTION (klaine-based-fan-fiction.com)

“Always, mi amor, always,” Javi smiled into the phone. Changing the subject he said, “I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon around 2 I think. Is everything in order for the party?” knowing it was a silly question. Kurt was the king, queen…..hell! the entire court! of organization and control. “Yep! All nine-hundred and ninety-nine boxes of ornaments are sitting in the living room and all the trees are up, thanks to Adam and Ethan.” “Quit exaggerating, there are only nine-hundred and ninety-seven boxes…even counting your single box from Lima. How can you have only one box of Christmas ornaments? There’s something very unhealthy about that.”

The smell of pine was almost overpowering as Javi quietly opened the front door. He didn’t enter immediately. Instinctively, he employed his five senses, in his quest to absorb “home.” Already he could sense his life slowing down. Soothing Christmas hymns softly echoed drawing his attention to the deep red and green of mistletoe dotting the entryways to the kitchen, the media room and the living room. He could almost taste the Enchilada Stack simmering in the crock pot.

Leaning against the wall, he turned his chocolate eyes to the four-letter word that seamlessly meshed with “home,” Kurt. There he was perched on a chair, notebooks, pens and pencils surrounding his laptop, fingers clicking away, engrossed in writing. His dark ginger hair was tousled, making him look younger than his twenty-something years and he was dressed in one of Javi’s favorite shirts, an earring with the letter J dangling from one ear, twinkling with the slightest movement of his head. Javi’s heart flipped; he’d missed this far more than he’d realized.

“Some Christmastime inspiration, Kurtito?” Kurt swung around with a smile, “Wow! Guess I’m going to have to start double locking the doors. I didn’t even hear you come in!”

Kurt stood up, burying his smile in Javi’s neck as he took him into his waiting arms, Javi’s suitcase thudding to the floor as he returned the bear hug. “Two whole weeks, Javito,” Kurt whispered, rubbing his nose against Javi’s. Kurt was rewarded for his words with that low, sexy laugh he adored, as Javi slipped out of his jacket, allowing it to join his suitcase.

Cradling Kurt’s face in his hands, he couldn’t look away from those kaleidoscope eyes, first green, then blue, then gray…..it was mesmerizing. “Do you know how much I’ve missed you like this? Here in San Diego? In this house?” Kurt nodded wordlessly, brushing his lips against Javi’s ever so lightly. The warmth of their breath slowly simmered, turning into a fire, as bit by bit the brush became a flurry of …strokes…and then….a deepening massage….and then….a proposition…….and finally….an explosion of inquisitive tongues. Javi was barely aware of his surroundings until he felt his back thump against the refrigerator door.

“Not here….” he murmured against Kurt’s exploring lips. “Why not….” Apparently, Kurt didn’t need an answer as his kisses hiked along Javi’s jawline. Javi had already decided where almost as soon as he walked in the door and glanced at the mistletoe hanging over the living room entryway; something else had caught his eye as well.

“God Kurt….stop….” he breathed….”stop…” “You don’t want me to stop….I can hear it in your v….” “No….take my hand…” Kurt released a frustrated sigh, allowing Javi to take his hand, leading him into the living room. Plastic tubs filled with decorations were stacked three deep and covered every chair including the extra-long couch. Strings of lights, every color, shape and size lay in the four corners, and right in the middle of the room was a tall, messy hill of tinsel.

“This is better than the kitchen?” Kurt sounded slightly irritated, completely caught off guard when Javi shoved him down into the heap of tinsel, “Uh-huh, siiiiii….let me show you, mi Christmas kitten…..” “But…” “Shhhhh,” he said as he slipped to the floor, sprinkling some loose tinsel over Kurt’s face, “I’ve been waiting all week to come home and decorate! Don’t you think starting with you is a good idea? I’ve been told I’m really good at it because I pay sooooo much attention to detail….”

Javi’s wicked laughter filled the room as he pulled Kurt’s shirt over his head. Kurt knew he wasn’t going to win and by now he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He could honestly say he’d never done this on a pile of tinsel. Tossing the shirt aside, he took Javi’s caramel-colored face into his hands, pulling him down on top of him. “And who told you that? Shouldn’t I be the judge if I’m going to play the role of the tree?”

Suddenly serious, Javi captured Kurt’s eyes again and purred “I love you to pieces….I’ve missed you so much,” seeking and finding the wet warmth of his mouth, the rustle of collapsing tinsel surrounding them. What he really meant was that he missed doing this here, in their home in San Diego. Their messy living room had never been such a turn-on! All that tinsel, so slippery – how had he managed to acquire so much tinsel? And why did he care?

Javi gently rolled off of Kurt’s body, running his fingers through his thick hair, drawing him closer. Kurt responded to the hungering lips that covered his own. A low moan escaped them as he slipped his hands underneath Javi’s shirt, not even bothering with the buttons he was so eager to touch him. He felt himself getting hard when only minutes ago he’d been sitting at the kitchen table engrossed in yet another lesson plan. Tweaking one of Javi’s erect nipples between his fingertips, he was gratified by the sharp intake of breath and then a sigh as Javi responded, pulling Kurt even closer until they were almost flat against each other’s bodies.

Breaking the greedy kiss, Kurt whispered breathlessly, “Te amo demasiado….(I love you so much)” Javi half smiled, showing just a trace of his dimples, as his eyes snapped open.

“Then show me….show me how mu…” Kurt’s tongue halted his devilish voice. He loved it when Kurt turned his words of love into Spanish. Sometimes it was like hearing the precious phrases for the first time all over again.

With a single hand, Kurt hurriedly marched his fingers down Javi’s torso, unbuttoning his shirt, then grabbing the end of a rope of tinsel, playing it over his chest and belly.

His hand was like a magnet, creeping over Javi’s form-fitting jeans, outlining his hard-on with his fingers, half-giggling, “Is this for me?” “All yours…” he heard Javi’s soft, distracted voice murmur, as he pushed Kurt’s hand to the button on his blue jeans. “Oh, no, no….not yet, mi amor.” Kurt murmured against Javi’s lips. “I think you might like some of this…” his tongue tickling a nipple, “or maybe some of this….” nibbling his way over the skin of his exposed neck, “or this?” lightly circling his navel with a single finger, as his tongue tasted……his lips kissed….his teeth barely nipped, finally joining the finger in its tantalizing dance.

Dangling the end of the rope of tinsel across his belly, finally concentrating on his vulnerable navel, he felt Javi grasp his arm. Then slowly, as the tinsel tickled and teased, he lowered his mouth to Javi’s navel, inserting his tongue using it like a tiny prong, moving up…then down…then up…then down over and over…..loving the sound of Javi’s begging yeses, his hips heaving upward. Then changing course and circling the inside rim of his navel, he slid his hand back to the metal button. His fingers flicked the button open…..then unzzzzziiiiipppppped until his hand had room to reach for the cloth covering Javi’s warm, hard cock, lightly scraping his fingernails over the thin piece of fabric.

“God Kurt you’re driving me crazy….” he mumbled, as Kurt teased with his fingers, focusing even more on his navel, increasing, then decreasing the pressure of his tongue, waiting for just the right moment.

The torture was exquisite! He knew what Kurt was waiting for. He knew he could end this whenever he wanted. But the connect between his mind and the rest of his body was all but broken……..I can’t….take…this….anymore….his body all but shrieked!

“Now…..now….please…..,” That was all Kurt needed to hear, as he smiled to himself, slipping his hand under the waistband of Javi’s bikini underwear, grasping his entire package, while at the same time, driving his tongue into Javi’s navel as far and as fast as it would go, his lips and tongue forming a vacuum, sucking and probing. “Ohgod…..yes….ohmygod…..” Javi rasped, his head turning from side to side, as Kurt tightened his fingers around his hardness.

Without thought, Javi roughly reached for Kurt’s body, drawing him upwards to face him on the pile of tinsel. His eyes were the color of coal as he pushed his jeans down in frustration, then reached for Kurt’s sweats and slid them down just enough to reveal his own state of readiness.

“I can’t wait to feel you come…..” he said as he took both of them into his hand, watching Kurt’s eyes close, studying his face as the rhythm caused Kurt to murmur nonsense words alongside real ones, thoroughly engrossed in the movement of Javi’s hand over their stiff pricks.

The tinsel below them slipped and slid sometimes in rhythm and sometimes against it, but it was a sensation like nothing Kurt had ever felt. The rope of tinsel he’d pulled from the pile was tangled around Javi’s waist, the end of it smashed between their bodies as Kurt’s mind closed the gap of his focus – Javi’s hand and cock against his own, taking him higher and higher.

In a ragged moan, Kurt said, “You’re about to get your wish…..yes…..ohnownow……” Javi didn’t so much hear the words as felt them…..the cum slick on his hand….trickling…..yessssss…..just the right amount of friction…..just right…..perfect…..nnnnooowwwww……

Their heavy breathing slowed and Kurt opened his eyes, “Sometimes I can’t believe how much I love you.” Javi kissed a finger and tapped it on the tip of Kurt’s nose, smiling as they lay face to face on the pile of tinsel glimmering around them, quietly coming back to Earth, simply enjoying each other’s company on the floor. “Two whole weeks, Kurtito…..” Javi whispered with delight. Kurt nodded with a smile, “Right here at home. You miss it too, don’t you?” Somewhat reluctantly Javi said, “Yeah, I really do. I never missed this place so much until you were here to come home to.”

The floor was starting to feel hard but neither of them wanted to get up. So, they lay in the tinsel, sprinkling loose pieces of silver over each other, playing one of their precious hours away.

“How’s the writing going?” Javi asked offhandedly. Kurt leaned in and gave him a soft tender kiss on the lips, “Let’s talk about something else….like the party or what presents we’ve bought or….I don’t know, anything but work, at least until after Christmas…..deal?”

That was a fantastic idea! And it might just test how committed he was to continuing with the play. He wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t love it, but….he loved doing alot of things. Sometimes he missed songwriting. Sometimes he missed the excitement of the road, playing in different places to different audiences….even though he was singing many of the same songs and even though he may have been to that venue a hundred times, it was always a little different.

“Deal! But what about you? Aren’t you going to write while I’m off? And what about your classes?”

“Nope! No writing! No notebooks, pens, pencils….as Alice Cooper would say School’s Out for Summer. When you walked through the door, I turned in my books, picked up my report card, excellent grades of course, and relinquished my desk to someone else.”

“I was only finishing up a chapter and jotting down some notes when you walked in. The only concession to that is if I get an idea. I’ll write it down, but that’s it. And I’ve suspended classes until after the new year. Even my students need a break….and I mean a real break, not a fantasy one,” Kurt chuckled.

Categories
ENGLISH: EVERYTHING CHANGED (TODO CAMBIO) FEATURING KURT HUMMEL & JAVI - COMPLETE

CHAPTERS 1 – 10 EVERYTHING CHANGED (TODO CAMBIO)

CHAPTERS 1-10 EVERYTHING CHANGED (TODO CAMBIO)

Just some background.  Camila is a real group.  I have renamed them Mateo for the purposes of this story. The members have been renamed Javier Ramos Ruiz or Javi, one of the main characters. Their pianist has been renamed Antonio and their guitarist has been renamed Rodrigo. All are successful recording artists and songwriters.  I discovered Camila listening to this Klaine video that featured the song, Besame (Kiss Me), in the background. 

For more info about Samo:

FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/SamoOficial

GOOGLE WIKI: https://g.co/kgs/XwvdRa

OR CHECK OUT: KLAINE BASED FAN FICTION – KLAINE BASED FAN FICTION (klaine-based-fan-fiction.com) HOME PAGE.

For more info about Camila:

GOOGLE WIKI: https://g.co/kgs/2rqBhX

https://www.facebook.com/Camilamusic

CAMILA ON FACEBOOK:

https://www.facebook.com/Camilamusic

CHAPTER 1 – STEP ONE


“Mmmm….I don’t know,” Kurt said, shrugging a shoulder and making a face, “The last time we did that it really didn’t go well….”

“Kurt, we’ve discussed this like a million times!” Adam answered hands on hips, rolling his eyes, “It’s one of the reasons we moved here, remember?  We both wanted to start somewhere fresh and not just because of Blaine and Barry.  We were tired of the horrendous winters and hustle of New York.  We wanted somewhere warm and gay friendly, Kurt!  Remember, gay friendly??  You do remember getting beat up and landing in the hospital, right?  And if you don’t remember, well, I remember when it happened to me!”

“I know, I know, but we’ve only been here a couple months…I just need some more time, I guess…,” he said while trying to look anywhere but at Adam.  He knew Adam was right.  They had transferred from NYADA to the Theatre Arts School of San Diego for every single reason Adam had given…every single one.  If it weren’t for Adam, he never would have made it through the final breakup with Blaine; that horrible, horrible pain all over again.  

When he met Adam they made a half-hearted attempt at a romantic relationship, but both of them were on the rebound and after living for a year as roommates, a true friendship is where they had landed. They shared a common interest in singing and dancing.  Kurt had joined Adam’s theatre group at NYADA, Adam’s Apples, as a way to take his mind off Blaine. But Adam seemed to be getting over Barry far better than Kurt was getting over Blaine.  He had invested five years of his life in Blaine, his first love…the one who he thought would be his last love, his forever love, and then Blaine had cheated again!  It still made Kurt feel sick to think about it.  

“Kurt….Kurt!  Wake up!”, Adam said snapping his fingers, “We’re in San Diego, not New York, and certainly not Lima, Ohio!  We’re going out tonight….to a bar, Kurt…a gay bar!  No one says you have to do anything but get comfortable again with being social.  Look, I know you’re not into one-night stands, okay?  Just, please, let’s go out and try to have some fun!” and then he softened his voice and sighed.  “You know, Blaine and Barry aren’t sitting around missing us.  Hell, they don’t even know or care that we’ve moved a whole continent away.  It’s time to move on…”

And even though all Kurt could think was “but to where? to whom?,” he didn’t have to ask himself why.  Blaine was the only one he had ever been intimate with…EVER!  He and Adam had not even come close.  Kissing and holding each other had always turned into depressing, weepy sessions over Blaine and Barry.  God!  Even their names sounded like they belonged together.  Yes, Blaine and Barry, they were certainly together, he thought, still bitter.  Adam was right, he knew he was, it was time…it was past time!  Here they were in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and he was still moping around their apartment.  Even he was tired of himself. 


Chapter 2 – BUTTONS

“I’m almost ready, just give me 5 more minutes, okay?” if he was going to do this, he was going to do it right…whatever that looked like these days.  What looked right for a gay bar when you weren’t even looking for a one-nighter or long-term or not really looking at all.  Long-term in a gay bar?  Now there’s an oxymoron, he thought.  Oh, well, it’ll make Adam happy for a while, he hoped.  He took one last look in the mirror.  His blue shirt worked well with the scarf, just the right amount of green and blue.  The jeans?  They’d do, not too loose he thought, as the little voice in his head said, who cares? You’re not looking right???  And the hair?  Well, it never looked like he wanted it to; he couldn’t remember what a good hair day looked like, but the highlights were fresh.  He kept buttoning and unbuttoning the third button on his shirt, then realized what he was doing.  “Kurt, you are pathetic!” but he still buttoned the third button anyway.  So okay, it’s understated, doesn’t scream, “Come hither!”, but then he really wasn’t hoping for any come hithering anyway.  Let’s just get it over with.

“So!  Where do the two newest and hottest men in town want to go?  Do we want loud, proud, crowded and over the top ooorrrrr do we want fun but reasonably quiet and laid back? Ha! Laid back?  Get it?” Adam smiled and threw his arms up as if to say, “Yes! Some fun at last!”  Kurt just rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Are there any other choices?” Kurt said with a half-smile.  “Come on, we’ll surprise ourselves, okay?” Adam smiled as he wrapped his arm around Kurt’s shoulders and said, “It’s got to be better than another night in this place watching TV and contemplating homework.  There’s a place just a few blocks from here I’ve heard about.  “If one of us gets lucky,” he said, then looked at Kurt’s questioning face. “Okay!  If I…if I, me, myself, gets lucky then you won’t have to find a way home, you can just walk home.”  Kurt nodded, it sounded good to him, because home is exactly where he planned on spending the rest of the night after gay bar disaster #2.


As they walked, Kurt had to admit that so far he loved San Diego.  Surprisingly, neither of them missed New York.  Kurt had loved it after moving from Ohio.  It had a sense of excitement and freedom like no other city.  But that was when he and Blaine were together, in love, planning their wedding.  Now? New York just reminded him of all he’d lost and didn’t think he’d ever have again.  The change was good so far.  The weather, the school, the ocean and people seemed so easy going…definitely not New York.

Okay, Kurt chided himself, I’ve got to give this whole reentering the social scene a chance and I have to start somewhere.  Even if he wasn’t looking for love, he could at least try to make some friends, other than Adam.  Blaine was his past and for him there was no going back.  Learning to trust again was going to be hard, but he couldn’t stop living life at 22.  He was only hurting himself and he knew it.  So, he put on what he hoped was a brave face as they turned the corner to go to the place Adam had heard about.  As Adam opened the door, Kurt took a deep breath and followed him inside.


CHAPTER 3 – VOICES IN MY HEAD

Well, it certainly wasn’t Scandals in Lima and that was a plus!  It was still a bit early for night life to begin and that was fine with him.  It gave him a chance to take it all in before what was probably the usual Friday night crowd arrived.  He wasn’t ready to be rushed…well, he was Kurt, he was NEVER ready to be rushed.  He looked at Adam and before he had a chance to say a thing, Adam grabbed him by the elbow and guided him to a table that wasn’t in the middle of what would probably be the action but wasn’t off in a dark corner either.  Before he even had a chance to take it all in, Adam asked what he wanted to drink.  “Geez, Adam!,” he sort of laughed, “You don’t have to get me drunk early so I’m not able to walk out before the party starts!”  He told him a vodka cranberry would be fine.


It was called The Rafters.  He looked up and wondered where the name came from, no rafters here.  There were a few guys at tables around them, and all appeared to be together, as in couples together.  He walked over to the jukebox.  Wow! A great selection for dancing, not that he planned on dancing.  And the bartenders were certainly hot, not that he really cared.  He liked the atmosphere; the kind of place that could change its mood with lighting from hoppin’ to romantic, not that he was really interested in either, especially romantic.  What are you doing, Kurt?  You’re sabotaging yourself!  You’re setting the night up for failure again!  


Damn that voice!  It was always right.  Adam arrived with their drinks and, once again, Kurt resolved to give this night at least a fighting chance.  Friends, I’m looking for friends.  He took a sip of his drink at the same time that Adam did. They both choked and then started laughing.  “I see I don’t have to try to get you drunk, the bartenders do all the work for me! And speaking of bartenders, woah!  I don’t s’pose I’d get THAT lucky tonight!”  Kurt just smiled and nodded.  They reminded him of the guy who played Santa back in New York and totally robbed their apartment after getting them all drunk.  It was funny now, but it sure wasn’t then.

It wasn’t long before The Rafters was almost filled to the rafters that they didn’t even have.  And it didn’t take Adam any time at all to find his niche with a group of guys talking music.  Kurt hung with them for a while, making small talk, but keeping his vibes to himself. Oh, he knew he had them, but, not tonight, just no, not tonight. As he nursed his third drink, the group started pairing off, more or less, and doing his best to make himself invisible, he wandered over to the bar and grabbed a seat.  Oh, he knew some of them had been interested, but not what he was looking for or so he told himself.  As the night wore on, he chatted with the bartenders when they weren’t busy, wandered over to the jukebox and picked out a few tunes, but did his best to avoid eye contact.

He had to admit, it was a fun place!  No one was pushy or too loud.  Everybody seemed to be having a good time and even though he wasn’t exactly putting himself out there, he was glad he’d come.  He knew it was getting somewhere towards midnight when the lights started to dim.  He knew the bars closed at 2 a.m. and he knew exactly why they were dimming the lights.  But, he was having fun, just listening to the music and being around a bunch of guys again felt nice, he had to admit.  So, after considering the door, he decided to stay a bit longer.  It was a start.  Of what he wasn’t sure but the loneliness of their apartment wasn’t really beckoning him home.

CHAPTER 4 – FRIEND OR FOE

“Hey, Kurt,” Adam said as he wandered up to the bar, “looks like you’ll have the place all to yourself tonight.  I’m heading out with Ethan,” he nodded toward a tall guy with blonde hair standing toward the door.  “Are you gonna be okay, man?” he said, looking around to see if Kurt had company.

“Of course, I’ll be okay!  I don’t need a babysitter anymore, Adam, but thanks for getting me to come with you.  I’ve really enjoyed myself, believe it or not, and I know you don’t, but you’re not me, so go have fun and I’ll see ya when I see ya.”  Adam smiled, said thanks and he was gone.

It WAS nice just sitting here, listening to the music and gay watching, he smiled at that.  He’d turned toward the dance floor, just for somewhere else to do his “gay watching.”  He’d have one more drink and then head home, and yes, now it was really starting to feel like home.  He was so absorbed in his own thoughts he didn’t even notice that someone had taken a seat next to him at the bar until the scent of an expensive cologne interrupted his thoughts.  After his internship at Vogue.com he was pretty sure the scent was Christian Dior Sauvage.  Hmmm, no, I’m not turning around, tiny warning bells in his head reminded him.  But, then he heard someone order a drink in what was probably Spanish and heard a delightful laugh.  Still, he didn’t turn around.  Nope! Not going there, no way.


However, the bartender made the decision for him.  “Kurt! Do you know Javier? He’s an honorary citizen of San Diego.  You might have heard his music, since you’re going to school for drama here.”

Kurt was polite if he was nothing else.  He turned around and didn’t know quite what to say…or do.  He swallowed and managed to reach for the man’s hand saying, “Um, no habla espanol? Lo siento,” which was about the extent of his Spanish.  Javier just smiled and switched to English.  As he introduced himself and described how his name was Javier with a soft J, “I go by Javi,” Kurt tried not to stare.  He took a quick sip of his drink and tried to compose himself.

Javi was wearing a black leather jacket with rhinestones on the lapels, open, with a black fishnet top revealing the chest of a man who knew how to work out.  He had on tight black leather pants, black boots with silver spangled laces and a soft pink-tinged hat with a wide brim over curls that fell to one side of his face almost hiding one eye.  He had been wearing sunglasses but had removed them since the bar lighting was so dim.  He wore a diamond stud in each ear.  

Kurt’s first thought was, “This man knows how to dress, love the hat…I haven’t worn a hat in years…”  His second thought was, “that skin, it reminds me of Blaine..soft brown…” from Blaine’s own Spanish and Filipino ancestors.  Then, that voice in his head, that damned voice that was always right shouted, “No! No! No! Forget Blaine, forget New York!  This is San Diego, your new home, and this is Javi!”  And Kurt agreed reluctantly that it was time to move forward.  Whatever Javi would or wouldn’t be in his life, tonight was tonight and he was tired of being alone.  Perhaps this was the start of a new friendship…perhaps.

CHAPTER 5  JAVI/JAVIER RAMOS RUIZ

The Rafters was Javi’s home turf when he was in town.  He truly was an honorary citizen of San Diego.  When he’d left Mateo and started his solo career 7 years ago, he’d based himself out of Mexico City and LA.  He recorded in both places and usually spent half the year in Mexico City and the other half in LA, depending on his recording and performance schedules.  He’d moved to San Diego 4 years earlier having grown weary of LA’s fast pace and traffic.  He had enough of that in Mexico City and San Diego was close enough to LA.  He could take care of business there and be back in San Diego sometimes within the same day.  The Rafters always felt like the neighborhood gay bar and, in fact, it was as many of the residents in this area of town were gay.

San Diego had provided him with a place to be himself, completely himself.  He wasn’t totally out anywhere, but definitely not in Mexico.  As much as he wished it were different, even in Mexico City wearing your true gay colors could be dangerous.  Most people there just looked the other way, but not all.  He had to be very discreet in Mexico.  His whole family still lived in Quintana Roo and even though the laws concerning LGBTQ people were basically the same as in the US, that didn’t mean much when your whole family had basically disowned you just for singing music that wasn’t church related.  He’d grown up in church singing in his father’s choir.  His moving to Mexico City was upsetting enough to them, but when Mateo started making it big as a pop group, not one of them would come to their concerts.  No one.  If that wasn’t disgrace enough for them, his coming out as gay would destroy them.  

In the US?  Well, he was halfway out if there was such a thing.  He still had to maintain a facade in some situations to protect his reputation in Mexico.  For the most part he avoided gay bars and gay activities if for no other reason than that the world was smaller than even 17 years ago when he’d gone to seek his fortune in the City.  Being a celebrity and coming out completely could cost him his career, but at the same time being a celebrity also provided him with gay companionship.  He had no problems hooking up.  But he was tired of one-night stands and false friendships, very tired.  Here he was almost 35 and he’d had only one long-term relationship.  When Antonio had died unexpectedly 8 years ago….well, it left a hole in his heart that he’d never been able to fill.  

His move to San Diego had given him a bit of his life back.  The Rafters was a safe place for him.  Everyone knew him and most knew about Tonio.  Here, he could be Javier Ramos Ruiz, the guy next door, and not just Javi, the singer, entertainer and celebrity.  Here he could live a somewhat quiet life.  It gave him needed breaks from the sometimes exhausting tours and recording.  Sometimes, he’d play in some of the clubs and bars in town just for fun.  Most of the time lately it seemed that’s all he really wanted, peace and a genuine relationship…another Antonio.  No! Not another Tonio.  No one could be Tonio; no one should be expected to live up to the ghost of Tonio  He needed a fresh start, but as yet that person hadn’t arrived.  

He’d noticed Kurt when he’d walked through the door after his eyes adjusted to the dim lights.  He could only see him from the side, but his body language spoke volumes.  He looked somewhat relaxed, but he had his guard up nonetheless. He was young, but there was something about him that spoke of a person with an aura beyond his years.  Javi didn’t see anyone he knew and he had to go up the bar anyway to get a drink.  If nothing else, it might be an interesting conversation, but only if he could draw him out of the shell he was trying so hard to protect himself with…and introductions wouldn’t be too awkward, he knew the bartender.

CHAPTER 6 – LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF


Javi shook Kurt’s hand slowly and said with a half-smile that revealed the dimple on the left, “Why, hello, Kurt!  So you’re going to TAS, what year?  Kurt looked a bit confused and said, “TAS?”  “Oh, you ARE new here.  It’s what the locals call the Theatre Arts School.” 

“Oh! third year.  Just moved here from New York with a friend.”  Javi raised one eyebrow slightly and Kurt realized what he’d said and might have implied.  “Oh, no, no!” Kurt laughed nervously, “We’re just roommates and friends.  We went to NYADA together in New York.”


“Ahhh, NYADA!  I’ve heard you need lots of talent to get into school there.  I’m impressed!  So, you left NYADA to come to San Diego?” Javi questioned.  Then he realized what he’d implied, that Kurt needed to explain himself.  This time he laughed nervously.  “I didn’t mean it to sound like that.  Let’s try this again, okay?  Hi, Kurt, I’m Javi.  Nice to meet you.  How do you like San Diego so far?”  He tried to keep the innocuous questions coming and as he listened, he did what he did best…observed.  Yes, Kurt was one of the most striking men he’d ever met, not just his looks, but his mannerisms, the way he expressed himself; he had that “it” that people were always talking about.  What he found interesting and rather cute was the way he kept playing with the third button on his shirt – and no doubt, blue was his color!  He’d never seen eyes that changed colors with the slightest movement.  

The conversation finally seemed on safe footing, neither knowing that the other was healing from the pain of broken relationships.  Maybe not broken for the same reasons, but broken nonetheless.  And neither wanted to start whatever relationship they may or may not have discussing that.  Neither were looking for a one-night stand either.  But they didn’t know that about each other yet.  Javi knew one thing; Kurt was nervous, and it didn’t take him long to figure out he’d have to take the lead.  If either of them wanted this to go beyond small talk in a gay bar, he would have to move slowly.  Honestly, he didn’t know what he wanted, but Kurt seemed like a nice person, not to mention a hotter than hot young man.  And that might be one of the things they’d have to talk about sooner rather than later, their age difference whatever that might be.  But for now, Kurt was good company.  He was funny and rather adorable actually.  And then suddenly it was last call….they’d been talking for 2 hours!  And though neither knew this either, they were both thinking, “What next?”

CHAPTER 7 – COFFEE AND CONVERSATION

Kurt could not believe it was so late.  He’d been babbling on for a couple hours, but this guy seemed so interested in him, not just in what he looked like or in what may or may not happen “later.”  This was certainly not his typical gay bar experience.  He didn’t feel like Javi was just trying to pick him up for the night.  He had asked him question after question and really listened.  Kurt was embarrassed.  He felt like he’d been inconsiderate and he apologized.  “I’m reaaalllyy sorry about going on and on like that.”  

“And why feel like that, Kurt?  I was the one asking all the questions…besides you’re an extremely interesting person!  You love the arts!  We have much more in common than you may think, so would you like to go get some coffee?  I promise, I’ll let you ask all the questions!” he laughed.  

Kurt considered that.  He had nothing to go home to and had no plans for tomorrow.  So why not???  He could stay up all night if he wanted to.  He didn’t have to work this weekend.  It was rather nice to have a conversation with someone other than Adam.  And even in what he thought of as his babbling, he had been observing Javi, too.  There was no doubt that part of his appeal as an entertainer was his looks.  He wasn’t a classically handsome guy, which was what made his sex appeal even more obvious in its subtlety, if that made sense.  He had that tawny skin (that he obviously took care of, thought the Lima Kurt) and deep brown eyes that a person could literally fall into if they let themselves.  And much as he didn’t want to even think about this, he had a way of lowering those eyes and looking right at him sending a jolt through his entire body.  No!  Not ready for that…not yet!  Not ever???  Didn’t matter, it was there whether he was ready or not.  His smile was truly radiant and he seemed so at ease with himself.  He had just enough of a Latinx accent…..He needed to stop this!  He’d only known this guy for a couple hours!  Kurt knew he was older, but that was a topic for another time. Wait!  He had to stop thinking like that – a later time??  Already planning the future???  Okay, enough already!

He took the plunge, “Sure, why not?  You know the neighborhood better than I do, right?”  

Okay, my friend!  Let’s go.  And I promise I’ll answer all of your questions…within reason.” And he laughed again…that laugh and that smile that Kurt was becoming slightly enamored of.

Chapter 8 AGE IS JUST A NUMBER

If nothing else, he was getting to know the neighborhood, his neighborhood.  About four blocks from The Rafters was an all-night diner/coffee shop called After the Bars Close.  He smiled at that, then looked at Javi and said, “Well, it’s appropriately named!”  Javi told him they had the best coffee in town, night or day.  “You can’t be a Latinx and not love your coffee; pretty sure it’s against the law somewhere!”  

As they took a seat, Kurt was taking in the ambience.  Actually, he didn’t know an all-night diner could have ambience, but this one did.  There were quite a few couples there, but it wasn’t noisy.  The acoustics were good, apparently.  The few women there were in groups with other gay men.  One thing he’d noticed about the San Diego gay community or at least the part of it he lived in.  Gays and lesbians generally lived in different areas for a variety of reasons.  But he moved here for “gay friendly” and so far his wish had been granted.  

After the waiter took their order, Kurt tried not to think about how Blaine had known his coffee order practically from the day they met.  After they broke up, he’d even changed his coffee order so he wouldn’t think about it.  Now, that was soooo very pathetic.  He pushed the thought away and turned to look at Javi.

“Wow! You like your coffee strong!  How do you sleep at night?”  Javi just gave him a soft smile and said, “When you’re on the road as much as I am sometimes strong coffee isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity!  And I’ve been drinking it practically from the day I was born….no really!  We start drinking coffee very young in Mexico.  Kurt just shook his head while thinking, “Okay, let’s get past the mundane.  He said I could ask him anything and he didn’t think sticking to their choice of drinks would lend itself to the “getting to know you, Javi” that he really wanted, even though he was still scared to death.  Switching to the weather wasn’t going to make it either.

He took a deep breath and decided to start with some questions about growing up in Quintana Roo and some of the differences between living in Mexico as opposed to the US.  But what he was really interested in was what it was like to be a celebrity, more specifically a popular gay singer who travelled the world.  Kurt wasn’t exactly sure what direction he wanted to go once he graduated, but here was a chance to find out at least one facet of what might be his future.

As Javi spoke of his profession, what he loved, what he didn’t love and why he decided that’s what he wanted to do with his life, Kurt couldn’t believe how fascinated he was with this man, but then Javi actually stopped and asked Kurt what he thought of this or that.  This guy was either really trying or he truly cared about Kurt’s thoughts and opinions.  Kurt gave him a few short answers, but he really just wanted Javi to keep talking.  It wasn’t just the subject that he was fascinated with either and, yes, it was scary, but a delicious sort of scary….which made it even more frightening.  Oh, he was listening all right, but he could not possibly escape watching him.  He didn’t just speak, he spoke expressively, with his entire body.  Just watching him was almost…intoxicating?  No, he didn’t just think that…he didn’t want intoxicating…well, he didn’t WANT to want intoxicating.  He wanted…he wanted what?  Get your head back in the conversation….

“Yeah, I had a great thing going with Mateo for 7 years, but that’s a subject for another time.  Long, long story.  You asked about solo, gay, travel. Did I answer your questions?”

“Yes, and it sounds nothing like what we think celebrity life is like, am I right?  It sounds kind of like any other job at times, but with less sleep, and more “friends”, he put in air quotes, “than any person ever really wants.  How long have you been doing this anyway?” maybe not as subtle as he would have liked, but Javi was one of those people that looked ageless.

“Some days too long, others never long enough,” he sort of laughed and sighed at the same time, “but I moved to Mexico City when I was 18 and I’m almost 35, so quite a long time, I guess.”  Good!  Javi was so glad that question was out there and he was glad it was Kurt who had initiated it in his not quite nuanced way.  “And you, my amigo, cual es tu edad?” He slipped into Spanish hoping to make the moment a bit lighter, “What is your age?”, he repeated in English.  “22, I’m 22, I’ll be 23 this year.”  So there it was, one of THE questions that could end or at least define any relationship.


CHAPTER 9 –  LET’S SLEEP ON IT

Well, it was an all-night diner, but they had talked until the sun was starting to come up.  How did that happen?  Actually, Kurt should have been thinking “why did that happen?”  But there was no doubt he liked this guy.  Why ask himself stupid questions?  He’d forgotten how much coffee he’d drank, but he was glad he’d chosen decaf.  He laughed inwardly; his coffee may have been decaf, but his body felt totally caffeinated, alert, occasional trouble breathing, skipped heart beats.  Geez! Here I am comparing Javi to coffee?  Well, no, actually he was describing his body’s response to Javi like drinking a whole pot of coffee.  This is ridiculous.  Sleep, I need sleep…but he really didn’t want to sleep…at all.  It was time to go.

During their hours of conversation Javi had told him a great deal about his neighborhood.  They lived maybe a half mile apart.  He told him what gyms were good, some locals to avoid and even some he might want to get to know better.  Better?  He didn’t know them to begin with!  So, as they strolled towards the loft he shared with Adam, they agreed they both needed some sleep.  

When they got to the building, Javi told him how much he had enjoyed their evening and into the morning.  He asked him if he’d like to come see him play at one of the local bars that night; Kurt decided he really did need some sleep, but would love to come see him perform some other time.  Javi leaned toward him and gave him a soft kiss on the right cheek, then explained that’s how men greeted each other in Mexico, always the right cheek.  Kurt really didn’t care which cheek he’d been kissed on.  That was their first physical contact and he thought he might feel that soft kiss for the rest of the day.  Javi waved, told him he’d text him and would see him again.  Kurt couldn’t believe he’d actually given a person he’d known for a handful of hours his cell number.  This was no gay bar hook-up.  He wasn’t sure what it really was yet, but so far it appeared to be nothing but good.  As he watched Javi quietly saunter down the sidewalk, he couldn’t help but notice his hips in those tight, tight, tight…okay, enough tights, Kurt! Stop it! leather pants and his easy stride.

As he entered their building, he decided to take the stairs.  He needed that bit of time to gather his thoughts in case Adam was home, but he wasn’t surprised when he unlocked the door that Adam was nowhere in sight.  He had the whole place to himself and he collapsed on the couch going back over what had turned out to be probably the best night of his short time in California.  He was glad Adam had gotten “lucky,” but as far as he was concerned he was the lucky one.  He’d met someone interesting, not just someone interested in one thing in true gay bar fashion.  And he was totally infatuated with him and he knew it.  He also knew there was a big difference between infatuation and long-term relationships.  He liked everything about Javi and could only find more things to like, that was infatuation.  He knew better than to base whatever may come next on infatuation.  But, it felt damn good to feel this way about someone!

Javi was thinking, too, in the bit of time it took him to get home.  He knew exactly why Kurt had turned him down for tonight even if Kurt didn’t know it yet.  This happened almost every time he met someone new and it had ceased to bother him.  In fact, he found it rather funny after so many years.  Later, after Kurt actually did get some sleep, he’d wake up, probably eat something since they’d only had coffee, and then he’d think to Google him.  Sometimes this was a definite downside to being somewhat famous.  It was all out there on the net, whether it was true or not.  But one of the upsides was that whatever a person found, it always gave them something to talk about again….if there was an again.  Sometimes, there wasn’t.  He didn’t mind anymore.  If there wasn’t, that just told him that the relationship was probably not worth pursuing.  He was hoping, a lot, yes, a lot, a lot, that that wouldn’t be the case with Kurt.  He felt like they had gotten off to a great start at whatever this was.  He was hoping that Kurt’s Googling would lead him more towards his music and videos, but he knew natural curiosity would lead him to who knew what was out there today or a year ago that he didn’t even know about.  He already knew there could be so much more to whatever it was they might have, it seemed like years…what was he thinking, it HAD been years since he’d felt this way about anyone.  Yes, there would probably be some obstacles, what relationship didn’t have them?  Hopefully, the age difference really wouldn’t get in the way.  Hopefully, cultural differences wouldn’t either.  With some effort, he shut down his overactive and tired brain.  He didn’t need to look into the future and create problems that didn’t exist; today was definitely enough and he felt good about it.

CHAPTER 10 – GOOGLE

How could it be five o’clock already?  He’d kind of just passed out on the couch and he sort of remembered getting up and going to his room, but that was about it.  As he started to wake up, the night before slowly invaded his brain and as stupid as he felt lying there smiling, that’s what he was doing.  He yawned and checked his phone, nothing from Javi, but he didn’t really expect anything.  Adam had texted to let him know he was still with Ethan and not to expect him home tonight either.  No surprise there, apparently Adam’s “good luck” was still in force.  He really needed to eat something, but that could wait a few more minutes or so.  He was enjoying this basking in the feeling stuff.  Infatuation? Yes, but who cares at this point.  Not Kurt, not this time.  He was exquisitely tired of being Kurt the Careful, at least right now.

Okay, let’s go see what’s in the fridge.  Good!  Eggs, when in doubt, or without much else, make an omelet.  Suddenly, he was starving.  He searched for the onions, peppers, tomatoes, cheese and whatever else sounded good in an omelet, which right now was pretty much anything.  Once he’d created his culinary masterpiece, he covered it with a dollop of sour cream, sat in “his” chair and turned on some music.  There it was in his head, music!  Javi’s music!  He didn’t know but maybe five words in Spanish, yet he really wanted to find out what he sounded like.  Then, he felt a little guilty.  Here he could have listened to him live tonight, but said no, and now he was going to Google his music?  Oh, well, it’s the age of instant everything.  

He decided his phone was too small to watch a somewhat larger than life Javi, so he got out his laptop and hoped he didn’t spill any of his gourmet meal on it.  Well, finding him certainly didn’t take long.  “Javi Mexican singer” pretty much brought up everything and then some.  He thought for a minute.  His curiosity about what Javi had told him about his life and himself said check out the Wikis, the interviews, maybe some Mateo sites, but when he thought about it, Javi knew all that info was available online so why lie about it?  Besides, he wasn’t really very trusting of what was on the net when it came to truthful information.  Settled.  Let’s go to music and videos.  He could always check out the other stuff if he wanted to.

He didn’t know where to start. There were so many videos and at least 50 songs he could listen to, so he randomly dove into videos.  He found a group of individual videos from an MTV show featuring Mateo acoustic versions with a much younger Javi.  He decided to start with them because he was also curious about Mateo

He watched Besame first.  Of course, he had to look up what the lyrics were to understand the meaning, but he started with just the title, Kiss Me, and started watching the video.  It totally blew him away!  He couldn’t keep his eyes in one place.  This group was so tight and performed beautifully, but he really just wanted to watch Javi…and listen, and watch, and watch, and listen….then he paused it a few times and slowed it down.  He, and he assumed Antonio from what Javi had told him, had great harmonies.  And Javi’s vibrato…but what Kurt could not stop thinking about as he watched were his mannerisms, the sensual way he used his hands, the way he closed his eyes, and his eyelashes….and that eye thing he did just like last night.  Like he was looking right into everything that was you.  He actually paused the video at 2:29 and 3:13 to see it again.  What Kurt didn’t seem to realize was he had this very same “eye thing” as he called it going on.  He did it without even realizing, but Javi had taken notice.  Javi was wearing a jacket very similar to the one he’d worn last night, except this one wasn’t leather.  He moved on to two other videos in the series.  He had all night; he didn’t need to rush anything. 

Kiss me without it being the right moment
Without mercy and in silence
Kiss me, stop time
Make this I’m feeling grow
 
(Chorus)
Kiss me, as if the world were ending after that
Kiss me and kiss by kiss turn the sky upside down
Kiss me without a reason
Just because the heart wishes for it
Kiss me
 
Feel me in the wind,
As I die slowly
Kiss me without a motive
And I will be with you forever
 
(Chorus)
 
Ooh… oh… Kiss me
 
(Chorus)
 
Kiss me like this, without holding back
Stay within me, without conditions
Just give me a single reason to
And I will stay (And I will stay)
And I will stay (And I will stay)
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/besame-kiss-me.html-1

You, song collector, give me reasons to live
You, the owner of my dreams
Stay in them and make me feel (something)
So that I can discover the eternal feeling inside your mystery
 
You, who has the moon in her head, the place where
My existence’s motivation and illusion start
Just you, I only want you to be my madness,
My calm and my delirium, my time signature and my path
Just you, I only want it to be you and
I leave in your hands my destiny because I live
To be always, always, always with you my love
 
You, song collector. A thousand feelings are for you
You, my lifelong dream
Stay in my life and make me feel
So that I can turn the magic of ‘you’
Into my soul’s breath
 
You, who has the moon in her head, the place where
My existence’s motivation and illusion start
Just you, I only want you to be my madness,
My calm and my delirium, my time signature and my path
Just you, I only want it to be you and
I leave in your hands my destiny because I live
To be always with you
 
There’s no more room inside me
You have filled me up to the brim with yourself
And it’s because of you that, as time goes by,
My soul feels different
 
Just you, I only want you to be my madness,
My calm and my delirium, my time signature and my path
Just you, I only want it to be you and
I leave in your hands my destiny because I live
To be always, always, always with you my love

He watched Collecionista De Canciones (Song Collector) next, first looking up the lyrics.  It was basically a song about where the inspiration for your passions came from and what that meant, in this case music.  Again, he tried to remain focused on the group together to get a feel for the song, but it wasn’t easy.  Javi was so much a part of this intimate video, just like the first one.  He made it through once and then focused on Javi.  These guys had a thing about breathing, about using breathing to really enhance the song, and in this song in particular it seemed.  Every time Javi took a breath, Kurt took one, too, oblivious to what he was doing.  Talk about making a song meaningful and sexy, even when sexy wasn’t really intended.  Just watching the man move and express himself was almost too much at times.  Infatuation, Kurt, infatuation, he kept reminding himself, although it did little good.  The last one he watched in the series was Mientes (You Lie).  It was no wonder this group had won so many awards.  He was totally enthralled and he didn’t understand a single word, but then Spanish was often called the language of love.  And there was that smile at the very end, if you were watching only Javi, that is.

You came into my life to teach me.
You knew how to turn me on and then turn me off.
You made yourself indispensable for me.
 
With my eyes closed, I followed you.
If I was looking for pain, I found it.
You’re not the person I thought you were,
the one I believed, the one I lost.
 
You lie. You hurt me and then you regret it.
There’s no use in you trying anymore.
I don’t feel like feeling anymore.
You come back right when I’m about to forget you.
Look for your path somewhere else.
Meanwhile I’ll look for the time I lost.
Today I’m better off without you.
 
I’m leaving brand new, remembering who I am.
Knowing what you give, and what I give
and the path that you looked for.
And time is yours and yours alone and I understand
that things are not forever because yes,
you’re not the person I thought you were,
the one I believed, the one I lost.
 
And today I’m better off without you.
You come back right when I’m about to forget you.
Look for your path somewhere else.
Meanwhile, I’ll look for the time I lost.
Today I’m better off without you.
Today I’m better off without you.
Today I’m better off without you.

The next time he looked at his phone, it was midnight.  I’ve spent 7 hours watching videos of someone I barely know?  Of course, it was a great way to get to know someone you really liked, their ideas of music, how to entertain, knowing what to wear and what to do.  It was also an even better way to give a person some insight into what might be part of one’s future….the profession, not the subject of the videos.  Oh, who was he kidding?

He’d watched mostly the videos of the time Javi had spent with Mateo.  He thought it was as good a way as any to learn about someone, start at their musical beginnings.  If Kurt was nothing else, he was methodical.  He’d watched how Mateo had evolved and Javi with it.  He’d been even younger than Kurt when he’d started out with that group and they had been thrust into fame with their first album, Todo Cambio (Everything Changed), and it certainly had changed their entire lives.  That first release had brought them all kinds of Latin American awards as well as being lauded in the US.  

But in watching what had really struck him was the evolving relationship between Antonio and Javi.  Or was he imagining it?  He went back and watched some of what he felt were key videos.  No, he wasn’t imagining it and he wasn’t making it up.  They had talked little about past relationships.  Javi had only mentioned Antonio in passing as the person who conceived the idea and his asking Javi to join, along with Rodrigo, who Javi said was a genius on the guitar.  He said it was one of the best decisions he ever made and then moved on to other topics.  

Watching them grow as a group and individuals was sort of mesmerizing.  He just shook his head.  Mesmerizing, especially if you were totally smitten with one of the members.  He knew all band members had cues for others in the band so that they knew in which direction they might be taking the song.  It could be a bit different every time.  They became very accomplished at that aspect of performing over those 7 years.  Yet, there was something almost insular after a while between Antonio and Javi, and even Rodrigo to some extent.  

Antonio could be intense and extremely passionate, not only in his singing but his piano playing.  Just watching him was similar to observing someone take every ounce of energy and his life’s meaning and pouring it into that piano and the song lyrics.  It was like he almost became at one with them.  Javi’s intensity and passion were almost the direct opposite.  Watching him was like observing a person immerse themselves in a vessel of different colors and words combined with an ardor and sensuality unique to him.  Javi had mentioned they also wrote songs together and that would definitely draw them closer to each other.  And after a while, it didn’t matter if they were singing ballads or rapping or rocking, they seemed to bring out the passion in each other.  They had a way of looking at each other without appearing to actually be looking.  And in their shows, the lineup rarely changed.  Antonio on piano, Rodrigo in the middle and Javi as lead singer.  After watching so many times, it was almost like Rodrigo was an undisturbed, peaceful conduit between Antonio and Javi.  Rodrigo did one thing and he did it very well – he played guitar like the genius Javi had credited him as being.

So hard to explain, but after all those videos, he knew love when he saw it.  He even felt a hint of jealousy. He missed having someone look at him as if he were the only person in the world that mattered.  It wasn’t that long ago that he thought he’d found his soulmate, too.  Back in New York, back in Lima.  Then he remembered that Antonio and Javi had not been together for over 7 years.  He didn’t know what had happened, yet he hoped to find out.  They both had their stories to tell, but that could wait for another time. And just because Kurt was Kurt, Kurt the Cautious just had to say, “If there is another time.”