“Blaine! Wake up! Blaine!” Jeff shook Blaine’s rigid shoulders as the nightmare played itself out once again. Finally, Blaine startled awake, attempting to reorient himself, grasping Jeff in his arms. Blaine’s frightened and frantic breathing finally slowed, “I’m sorry, Jeff, I didn’t….” Jeff held him tighter, brushing the messy curls away from his hazel eyes. “Blaine, shhhhh…..stop, you can’t control what kind of dreams you have.” His body caving into Jeff’s embrace, Blaine exhaled deeply, relieved that he was no longer in the grip of unreality, “I know, but this is my problem, not yours, and I don’t want to make it yours.” Jeff planted a kiss on his forehead, “Listen to me. We’ve talked about this a million times, babe. I chose to become a presence in your life and you did the same. We face the challenges together.”
Why the dreams? The nightmares? When he presented this sometimes frightening and perplexing dilemma to Dr. Osman, he explained that recurring dreams often meant a person might have some unresolved conflict and that the dreams provided a stage for the conflict to play out. But, Blaine’s romantic connection to Kurt had perished long ago. And Blaine had acknowledged the role he had played in its demise; through twice-weekly counseling sessions, group therapy and countless hours of journaling if he was sure of nothing else, he was positive he no longer carried a torch for Kurt. When he and Jeff had met and seemed to click, his first reaction had been caution. They had barely touched the first month. At times it seemed as if they were trying to put out a forest fire with a garden hose, the physical attraction was that strong, but Blaine took the help he was receiving in therapy seriously. Jeff’s arrival in his life had been totally unexpected. That month had given him time to broach the subject in therapy. As a result, Jeff’s knowledge of Kurt in some ways was almost equal to Blaine’s. He knew of Blaine’s hope to restore their latent friendship. In the last month, Blaine had invited Jeff to a few of his counseling sessions just so he could ask questions of Dr. Osman. He’d even volunteered his journal entries for Jeff’s perusal. And although Jeff wasn’t sure he completely understood why it seemed so important to Blaine, he knew Blaine was being honest with him, almost to a fault.
Yet, here it was, the end of April and he was still dreaming about Kurt….and Javi….and some unknown person. The scenario changed occasionally, but the players onstage never varied: Kurt and Javi and that other person. Sometimes, Blaine was packing. At other times, he was on the way to the airport. Or, he was on a plane, but when the plane landed….either he wasn’t allowed to get off or he woke up before he could. And he was always traveling alone. He knew it was a dream, but where was Jeff?
Jeff ventured, “The same dream, right? You’re traveling somewhere surrounded by two guys you know and one person you don’t, not even sure if the person is a man or a woman?” “Yeah, but the other person….even though I don’t really see him? her? seems hostile. And I never know my destination. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t even know if I’m in New York or if I’m flying out of it!” He and Jeff had discussed their future plans on multiple occasions. Occasionally, they’d engage in daydreaming and what ifs. Then, too, they often found themselves jotting down ideas, specifics, some possible concrete plans. Although they’d only met about four months earlier, they tentatively planned to move together. And somewhere in California or Los Angeles was the destination. Blaine’s real-life dreams hadn’t changed. As an only child, he had spent endless hours entertaining himself, dressing up and play acting his favorite characters and cartoons in front of a mirror. His mom had enrolled him in acting classes when he was 5, partly because of his apparent interest, but even more so he could spend time with children his own age. And Blaine had never once imagined his future profession as anything other than an actor and/or singer. When he’d applied at NYADA, part of him had simply taken for granted that Broadway was his heart’s desire, but he soon realized stage acting wasn’t his passion. Being offered a few roles in commercials to help pay the bills, the camera called his name. He enrolled in every class NYADA had to offer with regard to TV and film acting, refining his singing voice along the way. It was a huge risk, but one he had to take. Which was why when Jeff entered the picture unexpectedly, he had to take a step back. Taking that risk by himself was one thing, but involving another person’s life in his dreams? It wouldn’t be fair or right to expect Jeff to follow him to the other side of the country unless it was truly Jeff’s decision. They’d known from the beginning that neither of them had any desire to make New York City their future home. But as Jeff had said so many times, his job was a necessity in almost any city. Surgical PAs were in demand and why not California? He loved Oklahoma, but had no desire to live there again.
As cautious as both of them had been, it didn’t take them long to realize that they were in love. They were both looking for a relationship with a future. They knew the pitfalls and some of the challenges that lay ahead but Blaine was outgrowing his insecurities. The counseling, the journaling…..it had literally changed his life. And Blaine and Jeff were ready to at least try to build a life together.
Combating the urge to text or call Kurt had at times meant literally sitting on his hands. In looking back, the new year seemed to hold so much promise, although at the time he’d barely known Jeff for a week. Sharing the excitement with the person he still considered his best friend? He wanted to text, “Guess what?” their code for “I have something great to tell you!” But instead he’d text Jeff or Susan….using them as a substitute until the impulse had passed. Thanksgiving was now six months and almost a whole season in the past, winter reluctantly giving up its seemingly endless grip as spring’s blossoms unveiled. And the question as to why and what he would gain in reaching out to Kurt remained unanswered. Jeff had even suggested that he text him, just to touch base, his reasoning being it would be a way to ascertain Kurt’s response. But touch base about what? Javi had supplied him with an almost perfect justification – his offer to assist Blaine if his career path led him to sunny California. In truth, Jeff had gone several rounds with jealousy, envisioning a future contending with the shadow of Kurt. But with time and a whole helluva lot of frank give-and-take, he concluded that jealousy had no place in their relationship. His experience with a long-term intimate bond akin to theirs was nonexistent. Kurt would always be a part of Blaine’s life on some level. Maybe or maybe not a physical presence, but Kurt was Blaine’s rite of passage to love on every level. Turning either relationship into something territorial would be the fastest way to destroy what he and Blaine were attempting to build. And Kurt was in what sounded like a stable relationship and hadn’t been all that keen on renewing a friendship with Blaine anyway. It would only drag them down if he wasted time being fearful of Blaine’s past.
Finally, after some quiet conversation and reassuring cuddling, sleep reclaimed them.
Javi soberly analyzed the ceiling, the one from his childhood. After the long-desired but somewhat strained meeting with Rico and Bela, he’d weighed his limited options. This initial visit had to be on his own terms. If Bela was there she’d want to act as a go-between; if Rico was there he’d be a distraction, not knowing what attitude he might present at any given moment. He wanted ample time to spend with his mama, quietly, but adamantly reassuring her nothing and no one would keep them apart again, that he wasn’t “lost” to her anymore. His father had been polite…cordial…but didn’t take part in the reunion between his son and his wife. He was present when necessary, but otherwise made himself scarce. When she wasn’t preparing and serving him appetizing meals reminiscent of his childhood, the same kitchen table that in its day accommodated 10 to 12 people, was overflowing with pictures and scrapbooks that friends had created for her of Javi’s adventurous and successful career. As any mother would, she asked if there was anyone significant in his life. He’d smiled at her failed attempt to be furtive and flipped through his phone revealing a photo of Kurt. Their first evening together in almost 20 years was spent in the sheer joy of being in each other’s company, talking long into the night. Which led up to where Javi was now….staring at the ceiling, allowing his thoughts to wander where they may.
Rico hadn’t softened much or at least as much as Bela had wished, but he had at least agreed to meet with them again after Javi made his maiden voyage. And seeing Rico again? A single weekend simply couldn’t hold 25 years of lost memories. Javi had welcomed him to his next concert complete with VIP tickets. Rico was so proud of his little brother…and for reasons that surprised Javi. Even more than his successful career, he was impressed that Javi finally felt relatively safe coming out of the closet…and even more so about the night his father had unexpectedly shown up at a concert with his brother. For Javi to not change his show or his stage attire to accommodate Julio’s imposing presence was no small thing and Rico knew it. Especially when he had been blindsided and then spent a tense weekend in conversation with him. And for his part, Javi was pleased he had made peace with himself and didn’t even try to convince him to return to Quintana Roo, even for his mama. The die had been cast and until Rico stopped seeing what was certain to be an extremely emotional reunion as a step backwards, the decision was his alone and his business. Peace was a precious commodity and not something to put at risk; Javi knew that all too well.
He and Kurt had weathered the past three months relatively well. The journeys they’d taken together from one southwestern city and on to the arenas in California had truly been a godsend. At times it had felt like a mobile classroom, not only in perfecting their stagecraft, but also as a way for Kurt to familiarize himself with the inner workings of live concerts and interviews, discovering what it might be like to pursue this way of life as a profession. And the experience, although fraught with challenges, had been beneficial for them both. As Kurt’s self-assurance grew so had his autonomy. As for Javi, he’d had to rediscover the balancing act necessary when traveling and living on the road with your partner. Oh, they’d had squabbles, but they tried to view them as healthy. A relationship without arguments, at least in Javi’s mind, usually meant one or the other of them was holding back their true feelings. And there was a huge difference between compromise and holding your feelings in. And besides, neither one would deny the healthy benefits of makeup sex, often joking about the need to maintain their health especially living on the road.
Kurt was thrilled! Burt and Carole had decided to abandon the early spring of Ohio for California at least for a week. They hadn’t seen each other since Thanksgiving, although they’d kept up their weekly conversations. Karen had corralled Carole into a day of shopping, although she hadn’t had to exactly twist her arm. Carole had said they wouldn’t be long, but Kurt knew Karen and Burt knew Carole, so they’d gotten comfortable in the living room to do some serious catching up. After discussing the latest goings on of his friends in Lima, his relatives and news in general, Burt set down his coffee cup and asked if Kurt had heard from Blaine…and then said, “If you don’t want to talk about this just say so.” “No, dad, I haven’t heard from Blaine at all. Is there a reason why I should have?” “No, not really, but I knew that the possibility of a future connection? friendship? had been left up in the air last year when you were home. And he called me a couple weeks ago, just wanting to chat, but he obviously had something on his mind. But first he asked if I minded that he’d called and if it would be okay if he called again.” “I told him I felt I should discuss it with you, but that I had no objections. So, how do you feel about that?” Kurt thought for a minute. How did he feel about it? Blaine had always gotten along well with Burt and Burt had actually helped him through some tough times with Blaine’s own family. Burt burst in on his thoughts, “Would it help to know he’s seeing someone seriously?” Of course, this was news to Kurt, but he felt a little lighter knowing that. “Good! That’s good! And I don’t see why you shouldn’t talk to him or listen or whatever. You guys always got along well. Um, did he say anything about me…or would you rather not say?” “He did ask how you…and Javi were doing, which kind of surprised me. But I think mostly he was needing someone from “home” to talk to. He sounds happy, but I kind of wanted to give you a heads up, too, in case he does contact you.”
“Thanks! Did he say anything about what he’s planning to do after he graduates?” Burt knew what he was really asking was if he had plans to move to California. He had hinted at it, but wasn’t absolutely sure. “He did mention he plans to move and California was a logical next step….but he wasn’t positive yet.” Kurt nodded slowly, his gaze resting on his hands, and they turned to other topics of conversation.
Kurt had only had “the dream” four or five times since Thanksgiving, but it rarely deviated – always the same discontented cast of characters. Always Antonio facing off with what appeared to be a perplexed Blaine and Javi playing the role of Kurt’s guardian. Mostly, it had just become annoying. While trying to be attentive to Burt’s comments, the court in his mind was attempting its own personal cross-examination. If Blaine was seeing someone seriously, what did that mean in terms of the dream? His thoughts revolved like a merry-go-round, always the same: It’s just a dream, Kurt! But it’s repetitive, that usually means something! Uhhh! But I can’t do anything about it! And now what did this possibly vital alteration in Blaine’s life mean in relation to the dream? He tried to force the nagging details back into the file folder for dreams in his head where it belonged. And finally rejoined what had become a one-sided conversation.
But it wasn’t really “the dream” that was on Kurt’s mind the most lately. It was….other dreams he’d been having. He’d scrutinized them with his counselor as only Kurt could do, but they still gave rise to an uneasiness, a burden he couldn’t seem to escape. Of course, he’d had dreams like this lots of times over the years. Blaine had starred in them before they’d even become a couple; the attraction had been nothing short of immediate for Kurt. And the dreams changed over time…..sometimes they were locking horns, but mostly they were having sex, and reminiscent of his attraction to Keith? These dreams gave rise to feelings of guilt. His counselor told him there were countless reasons and theories about why people have sex dreams about anyone or anything, not just an ex. They were as common as breathing and dissecting them as if in your own personalized sleep lab sometimes increased their frequency. However, he knew Kurt was a person who liked order. He liked a context to work from, so he’d given him some of the reasons why it was thought a person had these dreams about a prior relationship. Unresolved feelings, fear that a new relationship might not succeed, you might not be completely over them, maybe you felt you’d given too much of yourself to your ex and you’re trying to get all of you back or you need to strengthen your relationship with yourself, maybe you miss things from that relationship. In other words, it could be a number of things and were almost always symbolic. Just because your ex was metaphorically hiding in your dreams as if waiting for a surprise attack, didn’t mean you wanted them back.
He’d finally taken his uneasiness to Javi. If he knew anything by now, it was that he could trust Javi with his feelings and his thoughts, and especially the ones that were hardest to share with anyone but himself. Javi had handled the conversation in his usual way – listening closely, not interrupting and reading what Kurt had written in his notebook after his sessions with his counselor. Javi had taken Kurt’s fingers in his, acknowledging the validity of every thought expressed. “Kurtito, if you’ve been having these dreams since before you and Blaine became a couple, why do you think they should stop now?” Kurt said, “I don’t think they should stop completely. But I’ve got you! I love you! Why am I dreaming about him? It’s crazy…” Javi looked him squarely in the eye and said, “Do you have sex dreams about me? And be honest. The answer isn’t all that important to me.” Kurt didn’t even hesitate, “Well, of course I do! Don’t you have them about me?” Javi smiled and nodded, “Yes, mi amor, I do, but I also have them about Tonio, too, and even sometimes people I don’t even know. I’ve even had sex dreams about women. They’re just a part of life. You can’t control your dreams. Kurtito, your wonderfully analytical mind may be overthinking this. This may make you more uncomfortable, but would you like to describe one to me? I’m sure you’ve written some down just to get them out of your head.” Kurt hesitated, “Hmmm….I…..I don’t know….can I think about it? I feel so guilty, I guess kind of like being attracted to other guys…if I wasn’t in love with you and knew I could trust you with this stuff, I’d only feel more guilty and I hate it.” “Kurt, it’s normal to feel guilty, too. And not only is it normal, but in our society we’re implicitly taught that we should. Guilt is a powerful motivator and deterrent, mi amor. Guilt was a guiding force in a good portion of my early life. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s credible.” Kurt nodded…..he knew in his head that everything Javi had said made sense….and he sort of wanted to describe the dreams to him, but…..There seemed to be three…or four? different dreams that were tangled, the details changing places as if in a separate flash focus. But he needed time before he made a decision to share them with his Javi…or at least one particular detail….and if he was going to share them at all, he wasn’t going to hold anything back. That wasn’t how their relationship worked and thrived, it just wasn’t.
KURT’S SEX DREAMS
CONSEQUENCE – BLAINE & KURT
Javi was comforted knowing that Burt and Carole would be visiting Kurt while he was in Quintana Roo. He was hoping their presence would distract Kurt enough so as to focus on their own reunion. His whole heart went out to his beautiful and sensitive boyfriend. Sometimes he seemed so fragile, but Javi knew that was far from the truth.
Kurt’s strength at such a young age at times brought him to silence, to his knees. He’d lived almost a whole lifetime before he even made it to 20 and he knew Kurt didn’t see it. Their discussion about guilt, he hoped, had been helpful, but when it came to Blaine, it was hard to know.
He knew Kurt’s feelings for Blaine were no longer amorous, but he might miss him at times, just as he sometimes found himself nostalgic for Tonio. Or maybe it was the timing. At Javi’s suggestion, Kurt had intentionally summoned Blaine into his life a second time. The hope had been that in seeking answers to what role Kurt might have played in the failure of their relationship, he could close the book on that troubling chapter in his life. But according to Blaine, Kurt’s role in the breakup had been negligible; Blaine had willingly shouldered all the blame. And Javi felt no guilt in having initiated that emotional reunion. It needed to be done. But, maybe leaving the door open for a rekindling of their friendship hadn’t been the good idea it seemed at the time. His love for Kurt instinctively created the desire to shield him…and he would help Kurt as much as he could, but he knew sometimes we had to walk the path alone and find the answers for ourselves.
And, 2000 miles south, Javi was taking a similar journey. No one could help him walk the path back to Quintana Roo. As a boy, he’d resolutely set his sights on Mexico City with no familial support, and returned a man, hoping to reconcile with the family who’d rejected his chosen path, what he considered his destiny. He had no control over his father’s feelings or actions or his mother’s for that matter. He refused to attempt to force a relationship with his papa. All he could do was meet him where Julio was at, and right now? It didn’t seem like a relationship based on anything but barely there tolerance was at hand. Instead, he was investing his heart on the time he was spending with his mama. Javi soothed her through her repeated apologies and tears, just holding her hand, accepting her promises for healing and a future to their relationship. She had planned a party at one of the neighbor’s homes in honor of his return. She, too, was not going to force her husband into a place where he didn’t want to be. In his mind, at least for now, Julio had done what she’d asked. Javi would never again make the mistake of letting anyone separate him from his family, and in particular, his mother. He had dealt with his own guilt issues long ago and wasn’t going to allow unhealthy guilt to rule his life. His mama even wanted to meet as she called him “your young man.” How that would be accomplished was still a nebulous thought, but it made him happy. He would be leaving tomorrow for San Diego, but for now he was in Quintana Roo and would enjoy it as much as he could. He’d call Kurt later. Texting all he wanted to say? He’d rather hear Kurt’s reassuring voice….and he missed him….maybe he’d be in the mood for a play date, he smiled.
Having Burt and Carole there for the week had been a blessing in so many ways. San Diego was a treat all by itself, especially when Lima, Ohio was your point of reference! Kurt knew they’d enjoyed the sightseeing, the two-day visit to the zoo, the beach although it was still too cool to go there in swimwear; Burt had chosen a different restaurant every night for the fresh seafood alone. But what Kurt had enjoyed the most were the hours of unhurried conversation alone with his dad. He had missed him far more than he realized. He would always remember the night they broke through the silent barrier when he told his dad he was gay, his frightened teenage mind honestly believing Burt really didn’t know. Of course he’d known but having Kurt actually voice it and then learning to accept it had finally allowed them to forge an honest relationship, bringing them together as never before. Why were the hardest things to say often the things that strengthened a bond?
Kurt took a sip of his Diet Coke and reached for his well-worn notebook. Their visit had also kept his mind off of how much he was missing Javi and the rather pragmatic discussion they’d had not long before he left. Resting on the couch, the rhythm of recorded rainfall provided a calm for his scattered thoughts. He was determined that tonight he was going to give it some serious thought. Turning to the page where he’d carefully written the ideas his counselor had given him about why he might be having these dreams, he studied each one. Maybe there really wasn’t a reason and maybe they were as common as everyone was saying they were. It was true, it wasn’t like he hadn’t had them before he met Javi. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t had sex dreams about other people but they weren’t people he even really thought of as sexy. He could understand those dreams because they felt like dreams, irrational with no basis in fact. The dreams about Blaine were always like….his hopes for them before they became a couple. And after? It was almost always about something they’d done or talked about doing in bed. When they’d broken up, during the two years between that and meeting Javi, when he had the dreams, he didn’t feel guilty, he felt angry at himself. And yes, he knew in his head that he couldn’t control them, but he didn’t want to think he wasn’t over Blaine. But once he’d met Javi? It wasn’t like he had them more or less frequently, he just had them, and now it made him feel guilty, and he was tired of it, very tired of it.
He looked over the list of possibilities Dr. Mason had given him. He’d even found a few more on Google, but for now he’d work with what he had in front of him. Unresolved feelings…..hmmm. Well? The door for a potential friendship had been left open but then he’d heard nothing and he certainly wasn’t going to be the one to knock on the door first…and now Blaine was in a serious relationship so maybe that didn’t interest him anymore. He wouldn’t call that having unresolved feelings. He was willing to at least examine the idea again but he wasn’t going to initiate it. If he were to pick a word to describe his feelings for Blaine now, most of the time the word indifferent came to mind.
Was he afraid that his new relationship with Javi might not succeed? How could he? After all of the safeguards and work they’d put into making sure their love did succeed could he possibly believe it might not? Although it seemed ridiculous, he had to give it some serious consideration. They’d just weathered three months of an upside down relationship probably learning more about each other than they had in any of their prior months together. Javi wasn’t here….so was there any fear about that? Any insecurity? No, he felt very secure in their relationship. He felt more loved than he ever had in his entire life.
He didn’t believe for even a second that he wasn’t completely over Blaine. Not one particle of his being had any desire to try again and not just because he had the relationship he had with Javi. He knew he was no longer in love with Blaine nor did he love him in a romantic sense.
He’d been working very hard to strengthen his relationship with himself, harder than he’d ever worked in his life and he was actually very proud of the progress he’d made. Was he trying to get all of himself back? Probably in some respects…but yes, quite honestly he felt that he had given more of himself to their relationship than Blaine had. But was that really true or was it just the way he saw things? Blaine had already said Kurt had not been at fault for their breakup in any way. But did that really mean he’d given more than Blaine? He put an asterisk next to that to discuss with Dr. Mason later.
That left missing things about their relationship. He didn’t miss things about their sex life, although it had been very good; it always had been. But his sex life now was off the charts good and he didn’t just think about it as their sex life, but their love life. Everything about life with Javi seemed to blend into a whole, not a bunch of compartments. If he missed anything about their relationship it would be their friendship. Sometimes he could even see himself telling Blaine about his life now and how they’d laugh or get into some silly conversation about a serious topic. But he had so many friends now, and Adam was his best friend, Javi was his lover and his best friend, too. Maybe he just missed Blaine’s personality, his company? He put an asterisk next to that, too.
And then he set it aside, feeling that at least he might have some answers to why, if not answers to what to do about it.
Jeff sat down with his glass of beer; he liked to think of himself as a bit of a connoisseur. He shuffled through the videos that Blaine had offered him, seemingly unworried about what their impact might be on their budding relationship. It was his philosophy that the best course of action was to tackle a potential obstacle head on. Blaine didn’t have the advantage of observing Jeff with past significant others, except perhaps in a handful of saved photos, but with his newfound intuition and awareness thanks to counseling, Blaine had proposed it might be advantageous for Jeff to view he and Kurt singing duets. He’d also suggested that he google Javi. This recurring dream thing was prompting some unrest in Jeff, not so much for himself but for Blaine. Although the four months they’d known each other didn’t exactly constitute an eternity, he was in love with Blaine and he was certain Blaine felt the same. What had existed between Kurt and Blaine had been the topic of what seemed like a perpetual conversation. Blaine’s heart was determined to never replicate his past blunders or wound another person the way he had Kurt. Jeff’s past relationships gave him no point of reference when comparing them to Blaine and Kurt. What Blaine and Kurt had had was…..life-changing. It was one of those relationships that came only maybe once in a person’s lifetime, if at all. And Jeff respected that.
After they’d met, Jeff was surprised at how open and honest Blaine had been with him about the fact that he was in counselling, describing his relationships with his father, Kurt and even Kurt’s father. For someone so young, Blaine was carrying a lot of baggage, hoping to get rid of it in counselling. Blaine had told him up front that he was looking for a lasting relationship and was adamant about not repeating the mistakes he’d made with Kurt. He’d even talked about the possibility of at least renewing a friendship with him and maybe even Kurt’s new boyfriend, Javi. And Jeff had tried to be equally honest. He, too, was looking for a lasting relationship, so when Blaine told him that, he had to really take time to think. He asked Blaine questions about why he wanted a friendship with Kurt. Blaine had said, “He wasn’t just my first love, he was my best friend. And I threw all of that away. Honestly, I miss our friendship. I know I’ll never be the person he tells everything to….not ever again and that’s my fault. Jeff, I don’t want Kurt back, even if he weren’t already with someone else. It took Kurt two years to let anyone in after what I did. I can’t change what I put him through much as I’d like to. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m looking for with Kurt but I know it’s not romantic. You are the best thing that’s happened to me since I made such a mess of my life. I’m trying to put it back together the right way and I want you to be a part of that….if you want to be.”
And Jeff did want to be. But to do that he now felt he needed to see for himself, especially since Blaine felt it would be beneficial, and the fact that Blaine felt secure with this meant a lot to Jeff. He’d seen pictures of Kurt, of course, but never of he and Blaine together. And he knew nothing about Javi or Mateo. And now here he was, part of him wanting to leave it alone, another part thinking if he had more pieces of the puzzle that constituted Blaine’s past he might be able to help or at least gain some deeper understanding.
It didn’t take long for him to see with his own eyes what had existed between them. If the chemistry they had on stage held true in their real life relationship, they were as connected as two humans could possibly be. Not only that, they had fantastic acting abilities. Before Jeff had met Blaine, his knowledge of singing and acting was limited to movies, TV and mostly the music he’d grown up with in Oklahoma. He’d seen Blaine in a few productions at NYADA, gaining an understanding of why Blaine felt his future lay in California. Blaine hadn’t sugar-coated the difficulties of making it in Hollywood. The possibilities were endless, but that worked both ways. Blaine had also been honest about the fact that if Javi was still willing to help him in any way he could, he couldn’t pass up that offer, which of course would then naturally link them in some way to Kurt. Yes, it was complicated, but what relationship wasn’t?
Okay, he had the whole afternoon to himself. Might as well move on to Javi and maybe Mateo. He didn’t know how important knowing about the group was. He’d just have to see what he found. He began with Wikipedia just for background information and then moved on to some of the songs mentioned there. Jeff wasn’t exactly fluent in Spanish, but growing up in Oklahoma provided more opportunity to learn the language than in some other states in the US. But you didn’t have to know Spanish to recognize talent. Javi could go from a ballad to powerhouse rock all in the same show. Which led to his curiosity about Mateo; why was Javi a solo artist now? After narrowing his search it didn’t take long to find the articles about Antonio’s tragic death and a little bit about what had happened to the group with such a great loss. And after watching a few of their videos, he suspected there had been something between Antonio and Javi. Blaine had never mentioned Antonio, but…..
Kurt heard his phone ping and picked it up with one eye on the TV. He laughed when he saw the message, “Hey there loverboy! What are you wearing? I have someone here who’d like to play with you.” He typed quickly, “Ohhhh mi Javi what do you want me to be wearing? Or maybe you meant what am I not wearing? And who’s my playmate? My gatito????” “Si but he’s been away so long he’s turned into a big hungry lion just waiting to come home and eat you up. But in the meantime, how about a snack?” Kurt clicked off the TV and typed, “Call me !”
A few days before the journey that would lead Javi into the mist of his past that was Quintana Roo he and Kurt had met each other in the weight room, but a workout, or at least by the standard definition of workout, wasn’t really their motive for being there. Their plan was their own private photo shoot, capturing each other working out for their away from home fantasies (aka Invasion of the Body Snatchers kits). One of their favorite pastimes was working out together. Not only could they spot each other but they could encourage each other as well. And, then, there were the mirrored walls, allowing them to observe themselves….and each other.
It had all started out innocently enough, snapping photos of each other in sexy, saucy poses, with and without weight equipment, clothed, unclothed. But after lifting a few weights and posing on some of the equipment, a mini-workout all by itself, they finished slightly winded, their skin steamy and beaded with sweat. Javi was fond of bean bag chairs. They took up minimal space and were scattered throughout the house, creating an atmosphere of multipurpose comfort in every room. And as Kurt plopped down in one of the chairs, he closed his eyes, wiping his brow with a towel, still catching his breath. “I think I’m ready for a shower!” he said as he exhaled.
Javi knelt on the floor facing the cushy chair. His golden brown chest slick with sweat, he slithered up Kurt’s body, kissing the cleft in his chin that he found so irresistible and then peppered his kisses along his jawline, murmuring, “Would that be a cold shower, mi amor? Because I’m thinking don’t bother….we can take a warm one later, si?” Kurt laughed, raising his chin, exposing his neck to Javi’s kisses, and said, “And once “we” are in that warm shower do you really think “we” won’t be in the same situation we’re in right now?” “Does it matter, mi amor? You have something against this situation all of a sudden? I thought you liked this situation…and I’m going to be gone for almost a whole week..” He said, flattening himself against Kurt’s body, glistening with sweat, loving the tanginess of Kurt’s sweat on his tongue. Kurt tilted his head back just a little more, “No need to beg….although it’s always music to my ears,” Kurt said, his voice tremulous, “you had me back at cold shower….”
Skating upward, his lips found Kurt’s. Kurt draped his arms around Javi’s neck, tasting the perspiration as they exchanged their shamelessly passionate kisses. Sometimes, Kurt just couldn’t get enough of this man…the man who was exploring his mouth with the salty tip of his tongue, tickling the roof of his mouth, dancing the tango with Kurt’s in an endless French kiss, then attacking Kurt’s lips until it felt like the sum total of their bodies was their mouths, their lips clinging to each other, Kurt unable to control his involuntary moan. Kurt’s nimble fingers followed his imagination; his fingertips skimming Javi’s back as far as he could reach, then grazing his nails upwards, enjoying Javi’s groan against his lips, “ahhhh, mi Kittito….I love it when you let the tiger in you come out to play….don’t stop..don’t stop….harder mi amor…..” While Javi rubbed his clothed cock rhythmically against Kurt’s belly and chest, Kurt slid both of his hands under the waistband of Javi’s workout shorts, hastily pushing them down, scratching and kneading his firm ass, as Javi raised himself up enough for Kurt to push the shorts down over Javi’s thighs. Slick with sweat, Javi relaxed onto Kurt’s body once more, lost in the feel of his hard-on sliding over Kurt’s torso. Kurt’s pulsating grip on his butt cheeks combined with the pleasure-pain caused by his relentless fingernails…..was driving him wild! Between breaths, he raised up again, disengaging Kurt’s fingers and turning himself so he was facing Kurt’s lower body and swiftly pushed Kurt’s shorts down. Catching sight of Kurt’s readiness only made him want him more….right now more!
Kurt’s movement was now restricted beneath Javi, so when Javi wrapped a hand around his hard prick….it was like a power surge jetting from his core, traversing his legs and ending in his feet. He was at Javi’s mercy but his wide open relaxing legs and the hands that grasped Javi’s waist didn’t care. He’d long ago discovered that wishing you weren’t at Javi’s mercy, deliciously defenseless, naked and vulnerable? was sort of like wishing….for an exit seat at a concert when you could be enjoying it from the front row. All he felt were those expert fingers playing over his lower body as if it was a music score Javi had memorized, strumming his stiff cock like a guitar. “Javi…..oh god…..yesssss……yessss… ..”.and then he felt the smooth head of Javi’s stiffness against his own. For a few agonizing minutes he ran his fingers lightly over both of them…..the very tip…the ridge around the head….just the head….something he’d never done before. The world disappeared, the intimacy exquisitely unbearable and all he could do was murmur Javi’s name, arching against his body as he came hard and fast, still begging Javi for more..not even sure of what…..but Javi wasn’t done….no….not done…he massaged the warm cum over his hard-on and still holding he and Kurt head to head, he leaned forward slightly arranging himself in a more comfortable position. He took a moment to savor the pleasure…the sensitivity of their bodies touching so intimately….rubbing the tip of his prick over Kurt’s over and over…inseparable if for only a few moments. He reached for one of Kurt’s hands, kissing it….placing it over his own, securing them together. Out of breath, he whispered, “Mi amor…..I’ve never wanted….or loved anyone like I…do..you….never….ever.. ..,” and using their joined hands, he came, his mind exploding into a thousand fragments of Kurt’s face.
As Kurt waited for Javi’s call, those words continued to circle his mind, a few tears sliding over his smile, and the talk they’d had following. As they cuddled in the beanbag chair returning to reality, Javi took Kurt’s face gently into his hand so he could look into his crystalline eyes. “Mi Kurtito…..I meant what I said….it wasn’t just careless words in the heat of the moment. I’ve wanted to tell you that for so long….but I didn’t think you’d believe me.” Kurt was silent for a long time, the only sound their breathing, “But what about Tonio? I mean…” Javi buried his face in Kurt’s neck, whispering against his salty skin, “Of course I wanted him….and I loved him very much…but it’s different with us. Tonio and I? How to explain. We weren’t on equal footing. Had he lived, maybe we would have been….someday, but much as we complemented each other…he was….um, the profesor, the lider…sorry, the teacher and leader…the dominant personality? You….we….I don’t feel that way with you, mi amor. I feel….this is something people say all the time but…being with you I feel complete.. concrete….he and I? The Sun and the Moon? The moon is dependent upon the sun….but the sun is not dependent upon the moon. As much as we loved and wanted each other…I never felt like Tonio needed me as much as I needed him. With you? We don’t just complement each other…it’s like we are each other….not like codependent…we just are….am I making any sense?” Kurt had listened carefully and he understood what Javi was saying….but he couldn’t put it into words either. What he felt for Javi was….amplified. He knew what loving, wanting and needing a person felt like, but this was different somehow. None of those feelings were unhealthy. They just….were. They had nothing to do with what he’d felt for Blaine and apparently had nothing to do with how Javi had felt about Antonio. Kurt pulled Javi’s warmth closer, knowing, as seemed to be the case so often, anything he said would never be enough, “Mi Javito, I don’t think there’s a language for us yet.”
One reply on “CHAPTER 66 – THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE”
Lots of twists and turns with a little angst in this brilliant chapter. And then it turns hot!!