CHAPTER 4 FIRELIGHT, HONEY AND WINE

The clock was not their friend…..waiting…..waiting…..and waiting for Saturday to arrive. And they couldn’t decide if their dance class together on Friday afternoon was a welcome couple hours of reprieve or if it was more torture by time. Thankfully, Bryan was working with them as usual, providing a distraction. The time-honored Friday night football game had left them without Finn. And even though Bryan knew their relationship was far beyond friendly, still, there were others at the dance studio so they had to do their usual pretending, longing for Saturday evening when they could finally be alone.

Saturday night had become the focus of their existence. For Kurt every thought revolved around nothing but their first kiss, and not just for them together, but for either of them ever. Question after question, the second guessing, and the inevitable image of their lips touching and then their bodies begging for more…was driving him crazy! Did he honestly know if that was what Blaine wanted? What if he wasn’t ready? But in his heart, he knew Blaine probably didn’t care if he was ready; what did it mean to be ready for your first kiss anyway? He knew the way they felt about each other was mutual…and he knew that they were both struggling to keep their hands off of each other, struggling to fight the electricity between them. As always, he wanted everything about the time they would spend together on Saturday to be perfect. Yes, he knew his perfectionistic tendencies were only making this harder…yet try as he might he couldn’t always temper that intrinsic part of who he was. But how could he make something perfect if he’d never done it before?

Blaine glanced at the digital readout on his phone….9 o’clock….less than 24 hours…and he watched as the time changed to 9:01. He almost slammed the science textbook closed. Unless he could find a chapter, or even a paragraph on how to kiss, he might as well give up for the time being. He closed his eyes, hoping for even a small respite, but the images floating through his mind all ended in question marks. Should I kiss him first? Or should I wait and let him make the first move? After all, Kurt was the older one…but what did that have to do with their first kiss? Even if it didn’t turn out exactly right the first time, hopefully there would be lots of time to press repeat and try again….continuous loop would be even better. Just being that close to his stunning, porcelain-skinned face, to touch it without the fear that they were getting too close…..and his focus on dance tonight?….the only dance he was doing involved a tango with Kurt and his emotions running wild. Bryan had even cut it a little short. Blaine was sure he could tell something different was going on between them, but if he did he was kind enough not to make inquiries. Strangely enough, it helped that they’d chosen to go to Applebee’s instead of Breadsticks afterwards and Kurt had deliberately picked out a table instead of a booth, not because he didn’t want to sit beside Blaine, but because doing so would only make it harder.

Usually reveling in the time to sleep in on Saturday morning, Kurt had woken up at 7. After plumping his pillow a dozen times, then rearranging the blankets, he decided, like Goldilocks, that his bed just wouldn’t do anymore. But unlike Goldilocks, he wasn’t going to find a place that was “just right.” Rolling over onto his back, the ceiling was just as blank as it always was, offering not even a smidgen of inspiration. At least he’d finally done what he should have done from the beginning, scribbling his ideas in a notebook instead of letting them walk in circles in his head. Just like his perfectionism, the overly romantic person who lived in his heart wanted to make tonight special, not that a first kiss wasn’t special enough, but he’d never had the chance to employ his romanticism in real life. The only romance he knew personally dwelt in the fiction he’d written.

But how to make it special with other people around, even if they made themselves scarce. The back porch with its wood-burning stove was the one place in the house where Kurt might be able to create an air of the romantic. The icy winter winds had become the norm of yet another Ohio winter. Closing his eyes, he could imagine them in the semi-darkness, the firelight tossing cozy shadows around them, snuggled on the couch, soaking up the warmth of the stove and, even better, their own body heat. But he’d have to get his dad’s permission to use it. He knew Burt would understand why he wanted to.

The ruse that Blaine was just a friend had been dropped months ago. He was actually grateful when his dad had brought up the true nature of their relationship, not giving him the third degree. He was interested without being judgmental. He made it clear that he wasn’t planning to tell Kurt what or what not to do. His intent was to let Kurt know that he was available to talk…about anything. As Burt had put it, he’d been a teenage boy once, and it didn’t matter who you were attracted to, he was pretty sure it felt the same. Ever since Kurt had come out, their relationship had grown by leaps and bounds. It still surprised Kurt…he was so sure his dad would never understand and their relationship would only get worse. Outside of Kurt and Blaine themselves, his dad knew more than anyone else about their feelings for each other.

The porch was a place where they could be alone, and unlike the other rooms they were allowed to use, it had a door. It gave others access, but it would also give them ample warning if someone was coming through. But he’d never asked to use it before unless he was alone and he didn’t want to have to explain why he wanted to use it now. Still, he couldn’t think of another place that was acceptable…to him anyway.

The car had been his first, but very brief, thought. Sitting in a running car, especially if they had to risk being discovered by someone….it just seemed sort of cheap? And for the same reason, going to the movies was out. And besides he wanted to be able to talk like they always did. He loved their conversations. Of course, they could always take up residence where they normally did and they were usually guaranteed more than enough privacy…but what if this time someone walked in on them at the wrong time? And that was his only dilemma with the porch. The same could happen on the porch, but at least it had a door. If someone in the family was out there with or without company they usually knocked first….but what if someone forgot?

“Dad?” Kurt said, sitting down at the kitchen table with Burt for doughnuts and coffee. His dad put down the part of the paper he was reading and glanced over at Kurt, “I need a favor.” Burt took a slow sip of his coffee and nodded, “Sure, what is it, Kurt?” “Is it okay if Blaine and I use the porch tonight…I mean with the stove on?” “Of course! You know how to operate it, no problem.” “Um….” Kurt stumbled and tried to look at Burt as he said, “Could I ask for a little extra….um….” Burt half smiled but could tell Kurt was definitely struggling with something, “What is it? You know you can tell me anything, right?” “Well, yeah, but this is sort of really….um, personal….could we have a little extra….privacy?” “We always knock, you know that, why…” “But…tonight is sort of special….” Finally, Burt got it! He trusted Kurt implicitly. Kurt had no problem discussing his private life with him most of the time and he knew almost exactly where Kurt and Blaine were at in their relationship. “Oh! Well I could put a note on the door maybe?” He tried not to laugh. “No dad! That would be even more embarrassing! Just maybe give everybody an extra reminder, especially Finn if he’s going to be home.” “Of course, but you do remember that we’ve let him and Quinn use the porch, right? It’s not like he would….” “Dad, please! Just make sure he knows you mean it???” “Of course, Kurt….” Burt glanced down at his jelly doughnut and smiled.

Kurt was so excited about Saturday night he’d asked if he could invite Blaine over early for dinner. Well, of course! Carole had said. There was nothing she loved more than cooking for company and Blaine had become somewhat of a permanent fixture in their household by now. Her favorite roast chicken recipe card lay on the wooden island in the middle of the kitchen along with a chocolate cake recipe. She knew she could store her recipes in a file online, but she still preferred her worn and stained recipe cards. It was just too messy attempting to cook while reading from her laptop. At least the cards were already well used. Trying to keep the screen and keyboard clean was a hassle.

Blaine surveyed the table and the people seated there. In the last few months, Burt and Carole had grown from Kurt’s parents to Blaine’s parents in absentia. Without hesitation they had welcomed him as if he were their own. As they made small talk around the table, Kurt tried to include Blaine in the conversation without appearing to be watching him. His dad was doing a pretty good job of playing it cool when Kurt knew he would love to be teasing him and it was obvious he’d talked to Finn. He was on his best behavior…for Finn anyway.

“We’ll do the dishes,” Kurt said, part of him wishing they’d been on the porch since the minute Blaine arrived, the other part still nervous, thinking maybe an additional 15 minutes would calm his pounding heart. Finn gave Kurt a somewhat irritated glance, “And what we would that be, little one?” Finn never passed up a chance to remind Kurt that he was 6 months younger. “The three of us,” he replied, allowing the laser beam eyes to puncture Finn’s attempt to get under his skin. “Oh, stop it, you two, we’ll accept your offer,” Burt said as he winked at Carole, inviting her to join him in the living room for a game of Scrabble. Finn’s date with Quinn having been postponed for the dreaded chore, he rushed through stacking the dishes in the dishwasher. For once Kurt was too preoccupied with something else to tell him how to rearrange them “the right way.” After drying his hands with a kitchen towel, Kurt’s indecisive mind whispered, “Finally!”

Blaine had been on the porch a couple of times during the fall. Usually it was occupied, Finn having friends over to play pool, Finn and Quinn, of course….or Burt and Carole enjoying the view of their back yard. Flowers and birdfeeders dotted the green space, offering a tranquil place to unwind.

Knowing the feeling of the chilly Ohio winter wind blowing outside the walls, it made this room that much more inviting…so cozy… the sky like a deep black, star-studded comforter…the moon full and opaque…Kurt hadn’t even taken the romance of the night sky into consideration. And it just made everything even more romantic. Kurt and Burt had prepared the fire using hickory…..a sweet and subtle aroma. And although there were lamps resting on tables beside either end of the couch, Kurt decided now would be the perfect time to spare the electric bill. There was just enough light from the moon to see each other and, of course, the firelight provided a warmer glow that the moon in all its glory could not. Out here there was no TV and no video games. But music?

Kurt had orchestral and piano playing in the background, but he asked Blaine if he’d prefer something else. Wow! If ever there was the perfect atmosphere for romance……the fire crackling, inviting them into the twilight, oversized pillows perfect for sitting in front of the fire….in the middle of his distraction he realized Kurt had asked him a question, “No…the music is fine..” The mind picture of them together on that overstuffed couch with the full moon overhead was intoxicating….he swallowed a laugh, before he’d met Kurt he would never have described any encounter as intoxicating.

Almost like the painting American Gothic, they unconsciously seated themselves on the couch just like they had for months, Kurt with his arm around Blaine, Blaine holding Kurt’s hand….and then they realized they didn’t have to be so cautious anymore! All of the tension of wondering when they could feel free with each other, free to express their feelings, free to talk about something other than when and how Blaine would come out to his parents, free to touch without fearing their bodies’ own language would speak too openly. Kurt drew Blaine a little closer with his arm, laying his head on Blaine’s curls and unwittingly kissing him on the head. It just seemed so natural, like it was something he did all the time. Blaine curled his legs under himself on the couch and snuggled closer under Kurt’s arm. He put a hand on Kurt’s thigh and sighed.

“I could sit here like this all night with you,” Blaine said, “looking at the moon, watching the fire…I’m so glad we don’t have to be so….uptight?….careful….whatever it was with each other anymore. I didn’t realize you were such a romantic, Kurt.” Kurt nodded against the scent of Blaine’s hair, shifting his hand to the warm curve of his neck, his fingers caressing the sensitive skin. Just knowing he could touch Blaine that way without thinking about it….he was nervous, but not like he’d been earlier. Some said that Kurt was born old. He thought everything through, sometimes twice. He knew how precious these moments were. They would never happen again. All of these delicious feelings and sensations would belong to this time alone. His first boyfriend, maybe his first love and eventually tonight his first kiss. Even caressing Blaine’s neck, kissing his hair, he would never do that for the first time ever again.

The minutes turned to an hour covered in a cloak of magic peacefulness, them relaxing into each other as their talk turned to the past week, the future plans of the Glee Club and the Warblers, the ordinary everyday teen topics. No urgency to it, none of the what/how/when. They didn’t have to plan a thing. For once all they had to do was just enjoy each other’s company.

Blaine reluctantly uncurled his body, reaching for the Coke he’d brought with him, taking a sip and stretching his back. Kurt contemplated his lean body, his hands to the heavens, his smooth arm muscles flexing – was now the time? Should he wait until they got comfortable again? No! Now! He didn’t know why, he just knew he didn’t want to wait any longer.

He sat up beside Blaine, taking a sip of his own drink for courage…and then he turned to face Blaine, taking his by now familiar hands into his own…..taking in the intensity of those beautiful hazel eyes. It was like they were frozen in time with the heat from the fire slowly thawing the moment….their bodies melting toward each other….as their eyes locked, knowing…..but unsure….Kurt let go of Blaine’s hand and cupped his cheek, stroking it with the back of his fingers. “Blaine….I’ve…wanted to do this for so long….touch you like this….and…..are you sure….” Blaine didn’t let him finish. He took the smooth hand stroking his face and leaned over placing his lips delicately, almost hesitantly, on Kurt’s…..achingly chaste….Kurt’s intake of breath…and then a sigh spoke volumes as he again cupped Blaine’s face with trembling hands, turning their kiss from the flutter of butterfly wings to what could only be likened to a plunge into the mouth of an active volcano. His heartbeat pounding in his ears, Blaine engulfed Kurt in what no longer had to be a stolen embrace, drawing their yearning ever closer. Although feeling a little awkward at first, it was beginning to feel like their lips and hands were created only for each other. Ignoring his body’s protests, Kurt withdrew his lips momentarily, catching his breath, as they tumbled backward onto the couch.

Silence….except for the struggle to catch their breath…..silence……except for the occasional crackle of the wood as it turned to ashes……silence……except for the steady primal beating of their hearts…holding each other tight, neither wanting to let go….ever. Barely opening his eyes, Kurt captured Blaine’s face like a photo, his eyes still shuttered. He was so handsome….he studied his face, taking in his tawny skin, his long midnight eyelashes, his ears, his nose, the now messy tangle of curls tumbling over his forehead….his lips. Those lips that had been shared with no one else but him. Not saying a word, he kissed the inviting tip of his nose, then engaged his waiting lips once more, this time, lingering….detaining his longing for more…..lying in wait….as he felt Blaine’s whole body respond, almost with a quiver. He remembered the descriptions he’d heard all his life about lips tasting like all kinds of things, but Blaine’s lips didn’t taste like wine….or honey….or strawberries…they tasted of a hint of Coke and Blaine’s own unique scent. And it wasn’t just the taste but the feel….warm, soft, a little moist…..oh yes…..he could live forever without the taste of wine or honey…or even strawberries, but he never ever wanted to live without the heady combination of Coke and Blaine on his lips, never again.

Shrouded in a cocoon of first love, first kisses, when they weren’t murmuring in their own form of teenage pillow talk, they were tasting……touching…..suddenly finding each other’s eyes so fascinating…..incapable of looking away. Kurt felt every kiss that Blaine feathered over his face, his eyelids, his chin and even along his neck, wondering how on Earth he had ever lived without this. Blaine’s fingers devoured the thickness of his ginger hair as Kurt made his first attempt at French kissing.

The world had surely exploded when their tongues tentatively touched for the first time, but the world would have to take care of itself. The only world in existence was between their lips, exploring, discovering, laying claim to this new world and all of its uncharted territory. He felt Blaine’s moan, holding him as he shuddered in Kurt’s arms, knowing exactly what he was feeling.

This was all so new and scary….. For the first time, they both realized why it was almost impossible for them to not allow the liquid heat inside to take them places neither were ready for but wanted….still….they wanted. And though they understood the logistics of that want, the reality of such a thing was still in the realm of the unimaginable. The kissing, the tenderness they now felt free to express was too overwhelming of an experience to even picture anything beyond it.

As Kurt’s intuitive fingertips traversed Blaine’s body, his touch was filled with desire….and apprehension. The sparks vibrating from one nerve ending to another, his insides dancing in tune with his heartbeat… This kind of touching was totally foreign to him. And he knew from what Kurt had revealed to him that it was for Kurt, too. Were his kisses as good as Kurt’s were? Was he doing this the right way? Was there a right and wrong way? Judging from Kurt’s responses it seemed like he was as lost in Blaine’s eager lips and hands as he was in Kurt’s.

Coming up for air, Kurt said, “Look at me, Blaine…” Sinking into the flashing iridescence of Kurt’s eyes, he could see the depth of their longing…and an unsteady smile. “I know I’ve said this before…but I’ve never felt this way about anyone…I don’t even know what to call it. When you touch me…..and kiss me….like this…..it’s like flying and drowning all at the same time.

I know that makes no sense,” Kurt glanced down for a moment…finally looking into Blaine’s confused eyes….”I’ve been falling in love with you since the very first time I saw you but….I’m afraid to say….” Blaine stopped him, “Kurt, you don’t have to explain or say anything that….we may not be ready for,” all the while thinking to himself, even if we both know it’s true. “You already know that I feel the same way about you….I’ve been falling in love with you, too….and being with you like this….” he reached over to touch Kurt’s lips, softly running a finger over them, “Kissing you is like…not being in my own body anymore….like tasting…..this sounds stupid….it’s like tasting all the colors of the rainbow…” and then he ran a fingertip along Kurt’s jawline, “and touching you…..it’s like being struck by lightning…like …..” “It’s like this…” Kurt whispered.

And then they were in each other’s arms again, unable and unwilling to deny themselves what they’d held back for so many months….at times it had felt like years…..both knowing the evening would have to end sometime and not wanting to waste a second on anything but discovering each other.

“You wanna stop and get a shake before…?” “Yeah…yes! That sounds really good!” Anything to prolong their time together! Kurt pulled into a space at Sonic, looking around always hoping he wouldn’t see anyone familiar, other than the carhops. Blaine did the same, but took one of Kurt’s hands after they placed their order. “Kurt, I already know we as a couple will never be easy, especially not in a town like Lima or even the State of Ohio. Our being….cautious….is smart, but I’m not going to constantly be looking over my shoulder or not holding your hand because someone might see. People are going to believe what they want to believe no matter what we do. I’m not saying we should throw it in their faces, but if someone sees us together and jumps to conclusions or has something to say about it, I’m not going to back down. I might as well get used to whatever it’s going to feel like to be openly gay. It’s not like I can change it. Let’s just deal with whatever happens a step at a time, okay?” Truer words, Kurt thought. One step at a time was the only way, he knew that from way too much experience.

Reluctantly, they pulled into Blaine’s driveway. His dad was home, but there weren’t many lights on so he assumed one of them was probably out for the evening. Going to a movie or out to eat was something his parents never did together, unless it was a hospital affair or a charity dinner. The three of them might as well have lived in different houses for all the time they spent in each other’s company.

When Kurt had pulled up in front he said, “Doesn’t anyone ever ask where you go every Saturday and Sunday night? I mean, aren’t they ever curious?” Blaine was quiet for a time, “I tell them I’m out with friends on Saturday and Sunday I just say I’m going to the movies with friends. As long as I don’t get in any trouble…well, since my dad refuses to…care about me, I think when he’s home he’s just glad he doesn’t have to deal with me. And now I’ve given him one more excuse. And my mom? I know she’s glad I’m making friends…but I think she suspects that there might be someone. I’m not sure, it’s just a feeling. I know she’ll bring it up if and when she’s ever ready, but she’ll never say anything to anyone but me. She’s still maneuvering around my dad like she always has. And she keeps herself busy with her charities and clubs. What I’m doing and where I am is like an afterthought most of the time….except like I said if I get into trouble.” “But don’t they ever ask to meet your friends or have them over?” “If they….well, actually more like he…if he doesn’t care about me what makes you think he would care about my friends?” Kurt just nodded. He couldn’t begin to imagine a family like that….if you could even call that a family.

They both wanted to kiss each other good night, but despite what Blaine had said, there was no point in creating problems. There’d be plenty to go around as it was. Before Blaine got out of the car, Kurt said, “Ya know, we could skip the movies tomorrow night. You could just come over to the house and we could spend time on the porch again.” Blaine smiled and said, “But won’t your dad be….suspi….I mean, concerned?” Kurt smiled, too, “He’s the one who built that porch and he put a door on it for a reason. And he’s living with two guys….one who has a girlfriend…and now one who has a….” he hesitated for a moment unsure of what to say, “a boyfriend.” He knows how to use that door believe me. I asked him for a bit more privacy than usual tonight, but don’t expect it to always be like it was tonight.”

“You mean…..he knew what….well…” “I didn’t exactly state what tonight was about, but he knew. You don’t need to turn green….you know I share almost everything with him. He reminded me that he was a teenage boy once…not sure if that’s true,” Kurt laughed, “but you notice we weren’t interrupted right?”

Kurt hesitated for a minute and chuckled, “When I first saw you I called you Mr. Gorgeous because obviously I didn’t know your name. I don’t know why…… I just thought of that.” ” Well, that’s better than what I called you, you were that guy, until you graduated to that cute guy.” “So, I’ll pick you up tomorrow night, and think about whether you want to go see a movie or stay at….” “Are you kidding? Let’s see, I have a choice between sitting in a dark theatre hoping that no one we know sees us or I can sit in front of a fire making out with you…what do you think I’m going to choose?” “Well, when you put it that way….” Before Blaine got out of the car, Kurt squeezed his hand and kissed it, “Blaine, I…” Blaine put a finger to his lips and said, “Shhhhh…,” then stepped onto the smooth asphalt driveway and was gone.

Kurt sighed. He was so tired, but so keyed up. They’d gotten in the habit of texting each other after Kurt got home, but Kurt was just pulling into the driveway when he heard his phone ping. He quickly put the car in Park and reached for the phone, eager to see the text he was sure was from Blaine. As his eyes caught the short message on the screen, he laughed and almost cried when he read, “kurt me too.”