At last, they were done practicing for the day. As far as Blaine was concerned, the Warblers sounded as good as they were ever going to, and although he’d never been in a competition like this, the group was pretty confident in their routine. Brian and Evan had invited him along for a carb-loaded meal at Breadsticks, but he wasn’t particularly hungry…just like he hadn’t been ever since his world had twisted and twirled in ways he didn’t understand and seemed unable to come to grips with. It was like juggling unfamiliar objects that continually changed, grasping one and then another only to have them fall to the floor or disappear into thin air.
He sat on the edge of the auditorium stage, nervously tapping his fingers, staring at the floor. Yes, it sounded childish. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, right? And in all honesty wasn’t it what he’d been longing for? He’d wished for it, daydreamed about it, probably even prayed for it for years…and he’d never felt like this. He associated words like relieved and even happy with it. And now all he seemed to feel was confused, distracted, angry and even guilty. How selfish to even be the slightest bit happy. And why did this have to happen now? So close to sectionals! His stress level was already higher than normal. At least he didn’t have a solo, he thought with a sigh. And then there was that other…..issue…what if it happened again?
Had his parents even given a second’s thought as to how this announcement would affect him? Apparently, that was one thing that hadn’t changed and why should that surprise him? He knew he was being unfair, especially to his mother. I mean, surely she’d been as shocked as he’d been! What was she supposed to say, “Sorry, Laine, this has to wait until after sectionals. We can make our life-changing decisions in a few weeks.” Why would he expect them to understand the importance of sectionals…to even compare the two situations was ridiculous! Stop it! Just stop it! Wallowing in self-pity would get him nowhere.
He’d still been riding the high from that perfect night. Remembering how long it had taken them to finally say the words that would replace “me too.” He could still hear the inflection in his own voice, in Kurt’s voice. The way they’d looked at each other. How they’d sort of talked about forever. Forever….did that really exist in light of…..no! he was not going to let his mind go there. Much better to engage his memory in what had followed that declaration.
His mind continually played the music of what it felt like to be touched that way by Kurt…and he could still feel his hands moving over Kurt’s body, creating sensations neither of them had known existed. And afterwards….for days afterwards they’d felt shy around each other, which was delicious all by itself. Like they knew there would be a next time, but it couldn’t be right now…..more anticipation. Sometimes it would keep him awake just imagining the next time. He’d never done drugs but it was impossible in his mind to believe it could produce a high better than this. Kurt Hummel had become his drug of choice.
He hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary when his dad had walked through the door, following a routine that you could almost set a clock by. It was like his office beckoned him forward like a magnet. As if no one else lived in this house but him, and in actuality, from Blaine’s vantage point, no one did. His physical presence only changed one thing, the atmosphere. Blaine could almost hear the imaginary egg shells crunch as he and his mom tiptoed around him. There would be no how was your trip or what happened while I was gone conversations. A true workaholic, he even had a full bath in his office suite. Sometimes he’d emerge long enough to join them for dinner and sometimes not. Blaine preferred not actually; it only made their evening meal tense and the conversation forced and contrived.
What had been completely out of the ordinary was that his dad had been home for an entire week. Blaine couldn’t remember the last time that had taken place. Vacation was not a word in his vocabulary. His idea of relaxation was carrying the Wall Street Journal to their screened-in porch with a glass of scotch in hand, sinking into the cushions of one of the overstuffed chairs and putting his feet up on an ottoman. One time Blaine had decided to do his homework at the dining room table just to see how many hours his dad would spend leafing through the pages of newsprint. Five hours! Was he engaging in a memorization exercise? When he finally emerged, paper still in hand, he’d walked right by Blaine without saying a single word, following what had to be a well-worn path back to his domain, the office.
True to form, he hadn’t missed a single day of work, up early and gone to the hospital even before Blaine had stepped into the shower. Even Saturday and Sunday weren’t sacred, worshiping at his desk if only for a few hours each day.
But, Blaine wasn’t going to ask why he was still at home. He had no reason to. Sure, he could have taken his mom aside and questioned her, but she’d seemed distracted, even edgy, finding any number of excuses for spending her time socializing or volunteering. And besides, his dad wouldn’t be any more forthcoming with him than at any other time and to be honest he didn’t really care. The less he made his dad aware of his presence the better. His bedroom became an even greater sanctuary than usual.
Barb stood at the foot of the staircase, indecisive…there was really no right or wrong way to do this…She didn’t want to just spring this news on Blaine, yet she didn’t want Laine to think she’d talked to Blaine beforehand. If a single thing could make this worse, that would be it. Laine was cautiously waiting for them….where else? in his office. God forbid they could do this like a normal family, perhaps in the living room or even at the dining room table, reasonably neutral, if not exactly comforting, considering. But, she had decided she wasn’t going to choose where as one of their battles. It was the one room in the house where he felt that he was completely in control and if control was what he wanted so be it. She quietly climbed the stairs, knocking on Blaine’s closed bedroom door.
“Blaine,” she said just loud enough so he could hear, “could you please open the door?” “Sure, just a minute.” As she waited, she prayed he would catch her wariness. Barefoot, he opened the door. “Yeah?” he said as he saw her put her finger to her lips. Again in that same sotto voce tone, she said, “Come downstairs with me please….,” she saw his puzzled look, “everything is going to be okay….just come with me.” He nodded, grabbing a pair of shoes. His father hated it when people didn’t wear shoes, even in the house.
As they approached the office door, he tried not to panic. He knew all too well that nothing favorable ever came out of the three of them meeting anywhere, but especially in THE OFFICE. It always appeared in his mind in capital letters, like PRINCIPAL on the office door at school. What if for the first time in his life he’d decided to take his head out of the sand after declaring a subject closed? Had something happened? Had someone heard or said something? All he could see in his brain was that office desk separating his father from him covered in out of state boys’ school brochures. He wasn’t leaving Kurt behind! His teenage mind had them running off together into the night for who knew where. He didn’t care how irrational it sounded!
As his mom turned the door knob, she tried to reassure him with a careful smile…and he felt a little less anxious when he noticed that that barricade of a desk wasn’t covered in brochures. In fact, even the usual neatly stacked papers were in hiding. The desk held almost nothing…..
Being seated didn’t make him feel any less apprehensive. It reminded him of the game, Statues, that he played as a kid. The three of them frozen in place, not for the fun of it as in the game, but because whatever lay ahead would feel like a sudden thaw sending them over the edge of this mountain like an avalanche.
Without preamble, his father cleared his throat…and Blaine could sense the avalanche beginning. Uncharacteristically, his mom took his hand. His mother had never shown him affection in front of his father…but then things had been very different since he’d come out. Her moist hand didn’t bring him much comfort. If anything, it made things worse. He was clinging to her words from earlier, “everything’s going to be okay….” If that were true though why would he need reassurance….unless something horrible was about to happen? Maybe she’d meant, “everything will be okay….eventually,” the way that people tossed that phrase around as if to reassure themselves more than anybody else. It never even occurred to him that the impending conversation wouldn’t be one where he was at the center.
“Blaine, we….your mother and I have something…” “Oh no, Laine, you Will. Not. Put….any of this on me!” Blaine was shocked and, if possible, even more frightened! The only time he’d ever heard his mother raise her voice to his father was when they were arguing behind closed doors. Was this decision they’d made been one she wasn’t truly in agreement with? Still, as if Blaine wasn’t in the room, Laine’s tightwire voice said, “Barb, it’s not like this hasn’t been coming for years…not like he hasn’t…” “What, Laine? Hasn’t been exposed to this ridiculous excuse for a marriage?” She took a deep breath as if preparing to send another volley his way and then stopped….realizing that this was not at all what she wanted. Blaine had lived with this mess of a life, too, and suddenly she just wanted it to be done. Why prolong it with petty arguing? She turned to Blaine, “I’m sorry, Blaine…this…continue Laine, let’s just get this over with.”
His father addressed him again, “Blaine,” Blaine kept his worried eyes on his mother, not wanting to know what had upset her so much, “Blaine, look at me…..please.” He’d never heard his voice sound so soft….and weary. What was going on? His father never asked, he always demanded. Blaine turned around to face his dad, fear in his eyes that he couldn’t disguise. Whatever was happening, it couldn’t be good.
“Your mother and I are….we’re getting a divorce,” To his surprise and shame, all he felt was relief. He had only brief seconds to take it in, but he didn’t have to wonder which parent he’d be left with…..left with, it made him sound like a bag of hand-me-down clothes that no one wanted. Yet, he’d imagined this scene so many times in his life that it was almost anticlimactic. He didn’t have to pretend and ask why. Not even giving Blaine a chance to respond, Laine continued, “I’ll be moving out; you and your mother can stay here…or move back to Appleton. You can go anywhere you want actually.” Well, of course they could, Blaine thought, Laine obviously could care less about consistent visitation…or visitation at all if the truth be told.
Blaine turned his attention back to his mom looking for assurance that they wouldn’t be leaving Lima. That had been his first thought at his dad’s words about moving. She squeezed his hand and gave him a look he interpreted as “we’ll talk later.”
“So….Blaine, um…do you have anything you want to say…any questions?” Again! He felt like he was being interviewed for a job. “Why yes, Mr. Anderson! Will I be working from home or in the office? Well, yes, of course, that desk will be just fine.” He and his father in an office with adjoining desks! Perish the thought! Even though this wasn’t totally unexpected nor was it a tragedy as far as Blaine was concerned, he wanted to lash out! To finally say all the things he’d buried so deeply…..but the one and only question he had was “why now?” Yet, he held it back, why did he care if it was now or 20 years from now? To ask it or anything else might only bring questions from his dad about Blaine’s life…and Blaine didn’t want to know why now badly enough to risk that. But then, Blaine thought bitterly, the idea that his dad might care that much was ludicrous. For once, he and his dad might actually be on the same wavelength. All his dad would be concerned with was how certain details of Blaine’s life might affect him. And all Blaine cared about was how this divorce might smash his world to smithereens.
Blaine simply shook his head and asked to be excused. It appeared no one was going to stop him, so he stood up and walked out of that spiritless office as quickly as possible. He needed to talk to Kurt; a text wouldn’t do.
Barb glanced over at Laine after she was sure Blaine couldn’t hear, rising to close the door behind him. Laine caught her look and sighed, simply saying, “Thank you.” “Thank you? For what?” she asked with a level voice. She perched on the couch as if she longed to be excused herself. “For not telling him….the reason.” “You mean the truth, don’t you? You’re such a hypocrite! Here he had the guts to come to us and tell US the truth about his being gay and you…you…you disgust me! Just forget it!,” She threw up her hands in frustration. Even though she’d known for days, and in actuality for years, realizing again how much of her life she’d wasted on this man still infuriated her.
“So, when are you leaving and where will you stay? No…I don’t care where you stay. Just….go! The sooner the better for all of us!”
“There’s still the issue of visitation…” he tiptoed. “Really, Laine? Why another pretense! You no more want to “visit” Blaine than he does you. If you want to know, you’ll have to ask him yourself. He’s a big boy. If I were him I’d spit in your face!”
“Barb, can we at least be civil with each other? I know I deserve every ounce of your anger, but why continue this animosity? I’ll move once I’m done with this trip. I’ll stay in a hotel tonight just as I planned. And thank you for…..look, I know I don’t deserve your kindness, but thanks for agreeing not to say anything to him about….the other.”
“You can’t even say it, can you? The words are bisexual or pansexual. Surely, all of that counseling should have taught you that much! And you can’t stand the idea that, just like Blaine, you were born that way. And maybe I should thank you for at least one thing – you were smart enough to use protection…although I doubt that was really for my sake.”
She stood up, heading for the door. She’d had enough of Laine Anderson and soon he’d be gone. It was what she wanted. What she had been planning herself even! So, why did she feel so angry and empty? “I’m keeping your secret to protect him, not you. Once he’s through college, I insist that you tell him. That’s our deal. He deserves the truth and he deserves to hear it from you.” And with that, attempting to maintain her dignity, she left.
Blaine called Kurt as soon as he’d plopped onto the bed. “Is everything okay?” Kurt asked. They rarely talked when they were apart. Texting was easier and that way no one would hear their conversations. Delete was the easiest tap on the whole phone. “Okay?…..well, I’m not sure how to answer that….my parents are getting a divorce.”
“What? Really? Why?….I mean why now?” “I don’t know why now; I didn’t stick around to ask and I haven’t had time to think about it much. What if…if it’s because I came out to them? I mean, sure I want him gone…but not because of something I did! And they’ve been headed in this direction for as long as I can remember. I’m sure mom will want to talk to me once he’s not here. Kurt….I can’t believe this is happening. I mean….I don’t know what I mean. He said he’s moving out and mom and I can live wherever we want. What if she wants to move? We haven’t been here that long. I won’t go; I can’t. I’m not leaving you. I love you! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Blaine, don’t borrow trouble. Just give her some time. Think about it, it’s probably not much of a shock to her. You’ve told me a million times that they obviously aren’t happy together. If he hadn’t taken the initiative, she would have eventually. Just….try not to worry, okay? Are you still coming over tonight or would you rather stick around in case, ya know, she wants to talk?”
“No, I don’t want to give up time with you, but can we just stay at the house instead of going to a movie? What if it’s one of the last times I see you? What if she just wants to leave because she doesn’t want to deal with living here where he’s at? With all the stuff she does in the community it might be easier to just leave now! We could move back to Appleton and she could settle back into our old life. What if…”
“Blaine, stop! I’ll pick you up at 6, okay? Just….maybe you could go to her instead of waiting for her to come to you. Everything will work itself out. Calm down, babe. I love you and I’ll see ya soon.”
Blaine said his good-byes, then opened the door slightly to see if he could hear anything from downstairs. He decided to leave his door open. He didn’t want to go back downstairs unless he knew his father was gone. He didn’t know what his plans were for tonight, but he doubted he’d be spending any more nights in this house. He returned to his bed and stared at the ceiling for awhile, trying to calm himself and take Kurt’s advice, but his mind just wouldn’t shut off. He tried concentrating on some homework, but that was just as useless, and he didn’t want to turn on the TV or listen to music for fear he’d miss something going on downstairs.
Finally, he laid down on the bed and attempted to quiet himself, taking some deep breaths, bringing up a list in his mind of all the positives of this new situation. How sad was that? And worse, he found many more positives than negatives. He heard his phone ping and assuming it was Kurt, he grabbed it off the comforter. There was a text…from his mom! Could this day get any more surreal?
“Meet me downstairs in 20 minutes,” it read. She’d never texted him before when they were both in the house. That must mean his dad was still here but was leaving soon. She no more wanted to have a discussion with Laine around than he did. He wanted to text back a million questions, but kept his impulsiveness in check, simply replying “okay.” Knowing that he would have some answers soon helped quell his nervousness. He didn’t know how long his mom had known about this latest development, but he knew she’d had to have been thinking ahead. As inconsiderate as his dad was he couldn’t picture him just springing this on her today. Yes, she’d been upset during that non-conversation, but she was upset with him more than the topic of discussion. She hadn’t seemed very disturbed by that at all. Twenty minutes, he’d be counting down….
Barb laid down on the couch, allowing herself to relax and closing her eyes. She had nothing more to say to Laine, absolutely nothing. Him asking for a divorce hadn’t surprised her at all. Relief, she was relieved when the words that neatly clipped the tether that had bound them together for so long were spoken at last. That had been Monday, almost a week ago. What had surprised her was that he’d actually admitted to his long-kept secret! However, surprise gave way to common sense. Her love may have burned to a pile of ashes years ago, but her awareness of how his mind worked was still as keen as ever. He held a bargaining chip! A divorce and his financial support for she and Blaine in exchange for keeping her mouth shut. If he’d only known how long she’d kept her mouth shut! But he’d know that soon enough.
When next he opened his brief case, laying atop its neatly arranged contents he’d find those postcards. As he double-checked closets and drawers for things he may have forgotten, she’d managed to slip them into his brief case that sat next to the front door. Part of her had wanted to keep them in case she would need them in the future, but then she’d thought better of it. It wasn’t like she hadn’t gathered other “evidence” over the years…and besides she was so ready to put this behind her. She realized that in many ways she’d been preparing to put it behind her for years, making her own tentative plans. Her main concern now was Blaine.
As upsetting as this situation might be, she knew most of the upset would have nothing to do with a divorce or Laine leaving. Kurt would be his first thought. And she knew he would be anxious. She could see him pacing the bedroom or lying on his bed, that disturbed expression on his face, his frightened eyes focused on the ceiling. He’d certainly called or texted Kurt by now.
Even in her own reveries abandoning Lima wasn’t a consideration. She’d had enough of being uprooted every few years. Sure, to most people Lima was just a tiny dot on an Ohio map. It was simply an ordinary city where people lived their suburban lives in relative peace. She’d been longing for just such a life ever since she’d come to the full realization that her life was based on lies. If she needed excitement, Cincinnati or even Indianapolis were close enough. And though it may seem strange, in the midst of this upheaval, she could still laugh at the idea that anyone would find either city a source of excitement.
So, she waited…..quietly anticipating the tap of shoes leading from his office to the front door, his luggage dropping to the floor as he opened it and finally the click of the door as it closed. She’d been holding her breath! She’d dreamt of this day never fully realizing how hearing this sequence of sounds for the last time would affect her. She’d always thought it would feel like dancing to the chorus of 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. So, she was a bit shaken when it felt more like the somber and depressing tone to The Sound of Silence.
Laine was stalling, but why? In truth, there was nothing more for him to pack. He’d fully intended to stay in a hotel tonight. The thought of one more night living this tiresome and depressing pretense in the house where he was more an unwelcome guest than a family member was just too much. This juncture had been far too long in coming and the last thing he wanted to do was prolong everyone’s pain. Though neither Blaine nor Barb would believe it, their pain was his pain…and so he lingered.
Despite everything, causing this immeasurable damage had never been his intent. But in his pitiful effort to guard his secret, he’d hurt Blaine probably more than if he’d divorced Barb years ago. But the what ifs were useless. The countless times he’d longed to take Blaine into his arms were worthless without the action that should accompany his longing. The hours he’d spent barricaded in his damnable office trying to gather the courage to tell Barb the whole truth from beginning to end…and then release her and Blaine, allowing them to live in peace. If he’d done that perhaps Blaine wouldn’t be struggling with his sexual orientation believing his father despised him for it. Instead, they might have been able to share this burden, to have conversations that would maybe lead them to a better understanding of themselves and each other. Sure, and maybe the fairy tale of happily ever after was real along with Santa Claus and the Easter bunny. The fact of the matter was the destruction was already complete. And for once he could honestly face the fact that he was a coward.
And again she waited, this time for the soft padding of bare feet as Blaine quickly descended the stairs. It wasn’t two minutes later that he appeared with that worried look on his face he was bravely trying to hide. She realized he must have been listening from upstairs.
Sitting up, she waved him over to the cushion beside her on the couch, a sad smile on her face. Blaine didn’t know what to say. He wanted to anxiously blurt out, “Are we moving?” but he restrained himself. As much as he knew neither of them would miss his father’s presence, this was the end of a relationship that had lasted for decades….and now that he was in a relationship of his own, he didn’t want to think about endings. This would never happen to him and Kurt, he swore to himself. “No, we’re not moving,” she said as if reading his mind. She didn’t have to read it, the question was written all over his face. Blaine released a sigh of relief, leaning back on the couch.
“And I know you have questions, despite your lack of them in there,” she said nodding in the general direction of the office. He looked at her with anxious eyes again and asked, “Mom….this didn’t have anything to do with my coming out, did it?” Oh, if he only knew the truth he would find that question so ironic, “Of course not. You know as well as I do that this has been coming for a long, long time.” “But why now?” to which she replied, “Why not now? I know it seems a little strange that he didn’t make this decision before we moved to Lima, but Blaine….aren’t you glad he didn’t?” Hmmm, Blaine hadn’t even thought about that!
“But what about you? I mean, I know you’ve made friends and everything here, but do you really want to hang around for…” he didn’t know what to call it. “The fallout?” Barb provided. “Yeah, I guess so, yeah that.” She gave a short laugh, “Oh, Blaine, sad as this sounds and indeed is, divorce isn’t the big deal it used to be. If it was your father would still be here making us all miserable. It took him a long time to come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t really affect his image or his social standing. But the question is how are you? I know, even considering the fact that we’ll all be happier because of it, well….” “I’m okay, mom, really. I almost wish I wasn’t but…yeah I’m okay.”
“And Blaine, I doubt you’ve even given this any thought yet, but your education will be well taken care of…and I’ll be okay, too. Money is one thing you don’t have to concern yourself with. Now, listen to me carefully. I know you think you’re perfectly fine with this and maybe you are…but no matter the past, if you have any questions or issues….please tell me. I don’t want you carrying around all of this crap into your future. I plan on seeing a counselor and I think you should, too, but you’re old enough to make that decision.” His mom had always been big on counseling, although how it had helped her he was uncertain, “and speaking of decisions, it’s your decision whether you want to have visitation with him.” Visitation….it sounded like a funeral! And indeed that’s probably what it would feel like. Why bother continuing the farce of a nonrelationship they already had? But he said, “I’ll think about it.”
When Kurt pulled up in the driveway, Blaine ran to meet the car, quickly hopping in. Kurt didn’t even have to ask if their worst nightmare had been realized. Blaine’s face said it all. “I love you so much!” he squawked. Kurt just laughed at him, “And you love me so much because….?” “Because we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together! Because we’re staying in Lima!” “I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone sound even half as happy as you do about staying in Lima, but I liked the sound of the first part!” The rest of their lives together sounded like everything Kurt had ever wanted….and until tonight he’d never even thought about it seriously….it sounded wonderful, like the ideal future.
Blaine reached across the console and put his hand on Kurt’s thigh. He was so happy to see him! But as they covered the distance between his house and Kurt’s unwelcome thoughts began creeping into his mind. Sure, his dad was gone from their physical home, but he was keeping his job and everything that went with that. That meant if somehow his life was affected by Blaine’s being gay, it might still cause problems for him and Kurt. So far, his dad had remained silent on the subject as he said he would, but what if along with rumors about the divorce began circulating their social circle or the hospital, his being gay came up? His dad still held the financial strings and where Blaine attended school…would he change his mind about remaining oblivious? And he didn’t even know about Kurt or didn’t think he did. What would happen if he found out, probably more like when? Maybe he’d be too busy creating his single life to care. The bottom line was he didn’t really care about Blaine’s life except if it affected him professionally or socially, so that probably hadn’t changed. But why start worrying about it now? He sighed and tried to get his mind out of where it was by looking over at Kurt and soaking in his beauty, squeezing his thigh more for his own reassurance than anything else.
The Hummels were so used to seeing Blaine on a Sunday evening that they shouted “hi!” from the living room and invited them in for a few minutes. They paused the movie they were watching and offered Blaine some cheese popcorn which he declined. He didn’t want to have cheese breath! As they bantered back and forth, his mind wandered once again. Why couldn’t he have a family like this? This house was so warm and welcoming. It was like being wrapped in a comfort quilt for visitors. Walking into his house was like walking into a deep freeze. All those big empty rooms….and now there’d be one more empty room. Not that the person who’d used it was there very often, but still…
He still couldn’t get the idea that his coming out proclamation hadn’t been the catalyst to this major life change. And if not the catalyst at least a large contributor. Yet, he knew it wasn’t all about him. He felt like there was something missing, something they weren’t telling him. And why should they tell him everything? He was still a teenager, a kid in their eyes. He knew all about the affairs and the inevitable arguments and even some of the details of those arguments. He wasn’t deaf and though he was sure they thought their voices didn’t carry that far behind closed doors, the fact was they did, and he wasn’t above hiding in a nearby room listening.
He was abruptly brought back to the moment when Burt asked, “Blaine, do you think you guys are ready for sectionals? You don’t want the McKinley newbies beating you, right?” he laughed. Kurt glanced worriedly over at Blaine. It had not escaped his attention that Blaine had been somewhere else since his declaration of love and forever in the car. He’d been almost ecstatic! What had changed? He wanted to tell his parents about what was happening in Blaine’s home life, but that was for Blaine to tell, not him, so he remained silent as Blaine absently replied, “Yeah, of course! And besides the Warblers have been doing this for years. They’ve come out on top more often than not….sorry not sorry to say that McKinley doesn’t stand a chance,” he gave Kurt a half-smile and Kurt nudged his shoulder, “Maybe…..but we just might surprise you all! Just because you can warble and dance doesn’t mean that the new direction we’ve taken isn’t at least as good or better!” He laughed, loving his play on words for the two groups’ names.
As if by some prearranged signal, Burt turned to Carole and said, “Let’s go watch the movie upstairs where these two can’t disturb us.” Carole shook her head with a smile and took the hand Burt offered her, leaving Blaine and Kurt to their own devices. They didn’t even have to pretend they wanted to stay in the living room. When they were at Kurt’s and no one was using the porch, that’s where their thoughts and their desires led them.
It was reasonably warm, so the stove wasn’t required. Sometimes, they commented on how they missed it. It made everything more cozy and romantic, but as Kurt had said once, “We create enough sparks to start our own fire,” which was certainly the truth.
Kurt had been sure that as excited as Blaine had been when he picked him up that he’d probably skip the conversation (saving it for later) and dive right into the makeout session. They hadn’t gone any farther than that amazing night they’d declared their love and everlasting devotion to each other. Of course, it wasn’t that they didn’t want to….but they were waiting for the right time and place, the porch absolutely not being either. They’d discussed a variety of scenarios, but as of yet hadn’t come up with that right time or place.
But instead, Blaine laid his head on Kurt’s sturdy shoulder, snuggling into his body as if for comforting. Noting the now serious look on Blaine’s handsome face…..the jubilance from earlier had all but disappeared. Maintaining silence, Kurt was hoping Blaine would tell him what was wrong without him asking. Drawing Blaine closer, he tipped his head against Blaine’s and waited, rubbing his arm with a hand. He cherished the idea of his role as Blaine’s protector.
“Kurt, what would we do if my dad decided to send me to another school? I mean, that’s still a possibility, especially since he’s staying in Lima. I can’t….no, I won’t leave you! I don’t know what I’ll do, but no!”
Kurt tightened his one-armed embrace. “Why would he do that? I mean even if he did know about us, now that he’s pretty much out of your lives, he’s going to want to get on with his, too. If he wanted to send you away I think he would have already done it. Me being in the picture isn’t going to make you any more gay and from what you’ve told me, he’s still not even acknowledging that to himself. I suppose if he’s vengeful he might do it just to make matters worse, but it sounds like he’s trying to avoid more pain, not continue to inflict it.”
“Maybe,” Blaine said, ” but…if it has nothing to do with my coming out….it just seems weird….the timing is too convenient, I guess? I don’t want to be responsible for this mess….well, I’m not totally responsible I guess, but….it’s like I’m missing something…”
“Blaine,” Kurt said into his soft curls as he kissed his head, “Your dad is responsible for his own actions. He’s the adult, remember? If your coming out contributed…so what? Ninety per cent of the damage was already done. As I said earlier, don’t borrow trouble, and I know that’s easy for me to say, but…..I love you, I’ll always love you and whatever happens we’ll get through it together.” Blaine took all that those words represented to them and attempted to relax into Kurt’s reassuring arms.
Kurt was right, of course, about borrowing trouble. This wasn’t like him at all. Worry was Kurt’s middle name, not his. But for whatever reason he was starting to realize what this development might mean. And although he knew this wasn’t all about him…..no! just stop it! He and Kurt had only a few hours a week like this and spoiling it with all this circular thinking was robbing them both.
Reaching up to touch Kurt’s face, he scooted up so they were at eye level, “Thank you…for listening and…I don’t know caring, trying to bring me back to Earth I guess. Kurt, I know I say this all the time now, but I love you so much. I hate it when we’re apart and I don’t want to waste what time we have together,” he leaned in, kissing him softly as Kurt encircled him with both arms, loving the sound of their breathing, the feathery touch of their lips. “And I love you…” Kurt whispered, “I love touching your skin…and your eyelashes….your ears….,” quietly demonstrating with his fingers and his mouth. Little by little, Kurt slid farther down on the couch, taking Blaine with him.
His mind quietly reminded him to take his time. He wanted to put Blaine at ease, to help him forget all of the outside influences and drown with him in their kisses, the touch of their exploring fingers, their tongue’s tasting, the feeling of being in love swishing and spiraling inside, churning into a fiery tempest of desire. He wanted to say I love you without uttering a word.
Blaine’s mind started to cloud like it always did when he was in Kurt’s warm yet firm embrace, his senses heightened….and he tried to settle in to the opaqueness, allowing those niggling thoughts to disappear into the sky below. He attempted taking over while at the same time following Kurt’s lead of taking it slowly.
He kissed him with passion, the sensual strokes of his tongue and fingers eliciting sighs and moans that fueled his own passion. Unbuttoning the shiny blue buttons on his shirt, he slid his fingers underneath spreading it open as it fell to each side of his chest. He loved Kurt’s porcelain skin. Kurt hated it because even after a short period of time in the sun he’d be covered with freckles, but Blaine could care less about freckles….and especially not now.
Kurt’s eyes were closed, his long neck turned to the side. He was like a work of art, Blaine mused……looking sooooo vulnerable. Blaine could tell he was lost in his own cloud of sensations, waiting for Blaine’s next move. Blaine breathed into Kurt’s neck, tasting it first with his lips and then his tongue. Kurt wrapped his arms tighter, wanting to feel Blaine’s body closer, if that was possible, as he relished the tender heat of lips and tongue along his skin, then traveling around the backside of his ear. His eyes still closed, he pulled Blaine’s shirt up, licking his index finger, reaching for one of his taut nipples, knowing how Blaine would react….except he didn’t.
He squirmed as if he was uncomfortable, so Kurt lightened his touch. Hmmmm…..usually, Blaine would speak to him, if not in words, then in subtle touches letting Kurt know what he wanted, but….this hadn’t exactly been an ordinary night. He could feel Blaine trying to settle into the nuances of his fingers grazing and stroking his body, but still he seemed…..tense. Instead, he moved his hand to rest on Blaine’s waist, allowing him to continue his ministrations, letting him know just how much he loved what he was doing, how he couldn’t wait for whatever Blaine had planned.
“Yesssss right there….ohmigod…..” Kurt murmured, turning Blaine’s face from his neck, drawing his lips towards his own once again, “Blaine…..I love you…..you drive me out of my mind…..” He slipped his tongue under Blaine’s as Blaine allowed him to seek out his favorite sensitive areas.
Blaine quickly removed his pullover shirt, tossing it onto the coffee table, turning to see that Kurt’s eyes were devouring him. God, how he loved those psychedelic eyes! Sometimes it felt like he could just dive into them and be lost forever. “Kurt…” he murmured, again, capturing his lips, kissing him hard, almost desperately. And Kurt couldn’t help but respond. He wanted Blaine so badly, feeling the ache of desire in his groin.
Lying side by side, he couldn’t help but move his hips against Blaine’s, rolling over on top of him, returning his frantic kiss.
Blaine lay beneath Kurt’s prone body, Kurt’s hips grinding against his own, his hard-on evident. And Blaine’s usually clouded mind wanted Kurt just as badly, wanted to feel him undo his jeans, using his hands and fingers to bring him to climax, but nothing was happening! What was going on? The desire was there…he almost wished it weren’t…because while all of the rest of him was screaming to be satisfied, his cock was barely hard. And trying to focus, to concentrate, only made it worse.
Finally, in frustration, he broke the kiss and said, “Kurt…I can’t do this….” breathless. Of course, Kurt had been able to tell something was wrong, but he’d never had experience with this, of not being able to “do this,” at least not since they’d given each other the green light weeks ago.
He rolled over onto the couch again, not knowing what to do or say. He was still in need of release, but after taking a look at Blaine’s confused and discouraged face, he had to force that to the back of his mind. And that wasn’t easy! Despite the situation, he was still a horny teenager.
Taking a shaky breath, he tried to catch Blaine’s eye, but Blaine refused to look at him. His expression seeming to form one sad question, he looked like he might be ready to cry. “Blaine,” he soothed with a hand to his cheek, “it’s okay,” not really knowing if it was. This was something he knew next to nothing about. He’d read very little about it and he and his dad certainly hadn’t covered it. As far as he knew this only happened to older guys. He tried to remember some of the reasons why, while dealing with his own uncomfortable situation and wanting to take that horrible look off of Blaine’s face. Maybe he’d fallen out of love with him….
He reached for Blaine’s chin and almost forced him to tip it upwards so they could look at each other…..and even then Blaine wouldn’t open his eyes. “Blaine, please look at me….please. I love you….I want to…..you do still love me, don’t you?” Just 10 minutes ago Blaine had said how much he loved him, but maybe he’d just been trying to convince himself, Kurt’s insecurities hissed…..
“Of course I still love you….how could you even think….what’s wrong with me, Kurt?! I’m only 15…this doesn’t happen to teenagers…does it?”
Kurt cradled that face he adored in his hands, kissing his eyelids, “Please look at me, Blaine….I don’t know a whole lot about this, but chances are it’s just the stress of this day catching up with you.”
Blaine sighed in frustration, “But what if it’s something else? What if I’m sick or something? God, this is so embarrassing. All I wanted to do is come over here and forget all about the other stuff. I mean, I was so relieved at first, almost happy….and I felt guilty about that. I mean what kind of person is happy when their parents are getting a divorce? That’s about as self-centered as a person can get! Kurt, I’m so sorry….and just because I can’t…that doesn’t mean….”
“Blaine,” Kurt tried to be light-hearted, “don’t think….no….Look, I love you, and of course I love…all of this,” he waved his hand as if encompassing their whole bodies, disheveled clothes and all, “but that’s not all I love about us. Remember in the beginning when we were moving so slowly? I loved you then, even if I hadn’t said it. And I only love you more now! If it’ll make you feel any better, we can Google it on my phone…and I’m pretty sure we’re going to discover that teenagers don’t get a pass on stuff like this. Come on, I’ll grab some Cokes and stuff or we can go watch TV or something.” “I won’t be able to concentrate on a movie…..let’s do like you said, Google it.” Blaine gave him a grateful look as they began straightening their clothes.
Laine sat in the dark, the generic hotel room just a place to stay until he could get his life in Lima together. He’d already looked into some apartments or maybe even a condo, but his mind wasn’t really on living arrangements. Somehow, he expected to feel different than before…and in a way he did, but not like….this. He expected to feel relief, maybe even happy that the pretense was over, and he guessed he did feel some of that. Relief anyway, but he felt more hollow than happy. He wasn’t much different from other people. All he’d ever wanted was the successful career he had and a happy family life. Normal and successful, was that too much to ask? He wondered what it would be like to live in a world where he was considered normal. Sure, things had improved when it came to people like him, but they hadn’t improved anywhere near the point where he would be considered normal. And then there were all of these confusing prefixes and words to describe him sexually. Was it really so important to the world or anyone for that matter who he slept with? Now there was a question filled with irony! Just a couple of months ago he’d attacked Blaine over this supposedly unimportant matter! No, it wasn’t important necessarily, it was just good gossip material, something to talk about to avoid talking about your own problems or aberrations or sins if you wanted to call it that.
He knew, or at least hoped, that soon he would rise above the guilt. So much pain just because he couldn’t be his true self. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d daydreamed about what his life would have been like if he hadn’t felt the need to conform. And as much as he loved his career, he’d even allowed that to be chosen for him. There were so many things he’d wanted to say to Barb that would make the pain go away, but of course there weren’t enough words in the universe to change what he’d done. He could feel the tears and fought them just like he fought every other honest emotional expression and then he gave in, promising himself that this would be the last time. No, even now, he couldn’t be his true self in public. Why destroy the rest of what was left of his life? But the only person he’d be hurting now was himself or so he believed. He took a sip of the now watery scotch and let the tears fall.
Why are you lying here in the dark? Barb asked herself. Just like Blaine she found comfort and peace in her bedroom. She was laying in the dark because her mind couldn’t focus on anything….not yet. She’d put the book aside ages ago, finally shut the TV off when she realized an old western was just background noise for her thoughts. Even surfing the Internet wasn’t distraction enough.
Shutting off the light, she laid there in the quiet, giving in to absorbing all that had transpired this past week and this day. She could still hear Laine’s apologies. Laine didn’t apologize…ever. And after the initial shock of his revelation, which she’d already known about, had worn off? They’d sat in that cold office of his in silence. He looked exhausted, completely undone, and….afraid? Well, of course he was afraid! What if she didn’t accept his terms? What if she decided she and Blaine were better off making it on their own? What if out of pain and anger she’d lash out by not continuing to keep his secret? And there was a part of her that loved those last two scenarios soooo much, but Barb was a practical woman. She could always get a job even if he continued to support them and Blaine deserved a decent education. Her revenge, if you wanted to call it that, was keeping Laine tied to them, not being able to simply walk away! Of course, he didn’t have to spend time with them, but he would be forced to live with Blaine’s decisions for his future whether he liked it or not. And sure there was some risk to that…and in truth she’d just as soon walk away from him without a second thought, but this wasn’t just about her.
And there had been moments during that final week when she had raked him over the coals! Seeing him as vulnerable and not wanting to fight back, seeing him unable to hide his own pain for the first time made her feel avenged. But now, it was all done.
She told herself she should be celebrating. She could finally live an authentic life on her terms. No more hidden tensions or make-believe. No more hatred whenever he was home.
But, now she was the only one keeping a possibly destructive secret. Oh, Barb! Be honest, there’s no possibly to it. If Laine ever found out, it could ruin Blaine’s future, and not just financially. Because if Laine knew and withdrew his support, Blaine would want to know why. Laine might be many things, but he was above causing yet more pain at least for Blaine….or so she hoped. She couldn’t believe it when he kept repeating that he truly loved Blaine and that’s why he’d remained so distant…he didn’t want Blaine to find out what he really was. She supposed in a sort of twisted way that was love….what an ungodly mess! No! Now was not the time to deal with more what ifs. And she had no more tears left for Laine, none. If she was going to cry let it be for her and Blaine…all those years….and then let it go, move on, become who she wanted to. She didn’t know what that was yet, but it didn’t matter.
She reached for the wine goblet on the bedside table, raised it to the ceiling and said a silent Cheers to the universe, following it with the phrase she’d thought so many times, “Ding dong! The witch is dead!”
