CHAPTER 62 – WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW
Javi had texted Kurt on Monday afternoon requesting that he meet him at the airport. His flight was arriving on Tuesday at 10 a.m. if all went according to planned. The message contained his usual I love yous, always changing the wording just a little bit, “I can’t tell you how much I love you ” “I love my little tomcat
!” trying to say those all important words in imaginative ways. But, this was so unlike him – not the I love yous, but that he found it essential that Kurt meet him at the airport when he arrived. Usually, he just hailed a cab for the short distance between there and home. He’d mentioned nothing more with regard to his father or their weekend encounters and Kurt didn’t bring it up either. This was Javi’s show and Kurt had felt it best to let him handle it in his own way.
Of course, it took some time maneuvering security, never knowing what clothing you might have to remove or what taboo items you might have inadvertently put in your luggage, but soon he saw Javi ambling down the steep skyway with his carry-on bag. His approach was rather slow and it was obvious that Javi was zapped. He had a sort of defeated look about him. But when he laid eyes on Kurt his entire countenance was transformed and his gait quickened, embracing Kurt in a bear hug, exclaiming, “Oh, mi Kurtito! Thank you for coming, I couldn’t wait until I got home to see you!” Kurt sensed what felt like some underlying desperation, but he gave him a sympathetic smile and returned the hug, and when Javi unexpectedly took his hand he let him. PDA wasn’t something either of them normally engaged in, even in San Diego, but it was obvious that Javi wasn’t concerned with discretion at the moment. Baggage Claim was filled with the usual impatient travelers anxious to be on their way. When Javi saw his luggage, made obvious by multicolored ribbon tied around the handle, he quickly retrieved it from the carousel. Grabbing one of the waiting taxis, they deposited his bags in the trunk and climbed into the backseat. Javi remained silent for much of the ride home, gazing out the window. He laced his fingers into Kurt’s, like he was trying to secure their bodies, ensuring nothing could possibly separate them.
Javi unlocked the front door not even noticing the festive wreath, turning the security off as they entered the foyer, Kurt excited to reveal the transformation of their home into a Winter Wonderland. But as soon as Kurt pulled the door closed behind him, Javi dropped his luggage to the floor with a thud and wrapped Kurt’s neck in the cocoon of his arms, anxiously pulling him close and without uttering a single word, backed him up to the coat closet door and kissed him as if Kurt was a glass of cold water and he hadn’t had a drop to drink for days. Kurt was sort of shocked…and pleased all at the same time, draping his arms around Javi’s neck returning his kiss with equal fervor, as Javi begged for entrance into Kurt’s mouth with his tongue…and again, Kurt sensed something akin to desperation as his tongue exploited his mouth, his soft lips translating for him what words could not. Just like his I love yous, his kisses varied, so often there seemed to be some small element of surprise and this….desperation was almost visceral, like Kurt was some sort of conduit to releasing a thousand unidentifiable emotions….and he was a more than willing recipient.
When he freed Kurt from his wanton kiss, he held his face firmly in both hands, looking directly into his eyes, mouthing in a low, urgent stage-whisper, “I need you, Kurt.” He led him by the hand into the living room, shoving him gently onto the futon that occupied the alcove beneath the almost floor-to-ceiling windows. As he began dividing his long-sleeved shirt in half button by button, again, his brown-eyed gaze pierced Kurt’s vision, as if frightened that in the moment it might take to look away Kurt would disappear. “Quiere hacerte mi amor (I want to make love to you) and I want you to make love to me, I need you..I need you and I want you so much….the love I feel for you…..mi Kurtito, please don’t ever leave me…please…” Kurt attempted a reply but Javi’s greedy kisses silenced him as he hastily continued unbuttoning and unzipping. Kurt needed no invitation to assist Javi as clothing was hurriedly tossed and scattered. He found himself flattened on the squishy cushions, Javi laying between his tented legs, his mouth occupying itself with his upper torso, his hands helping themselves to his lower. Kurt’s body was simmering as his lover rediscovered every nerve ending, his lips and tongue lovingly scrutinizing his nipples, his chest, his neck, hesitating for a moment to lay his head over Kurt’s heart, kissing the skin, then moving lower to his navel. And his hands had been just as industrious. As his mouth found Kurt’s belly button, he hesitated again for just a moment, moving slightly downward….but then thought better of it. He engulfed Kurt’s entire package with his hands, still tickling his navel with the tip of his tongue, his mind flooded with Kurt’s delicious moans of indulgent pleasure, expressing his needs and desires…..how hungry he was for what Javi was doing to his body….and after he came, picking up on Javi’s urgency, he wasted no time in pushing Javi backwards onto the futon, wanting to please his love even beyond how Javi had pleased him. He flattened himself on Javi’s chest, dropping soft reassurances into his ear as he nibbled it, gathering the tangles of his hair between his fingers, spreading his legs and pressing his entire body against him, promising he’d never leave him, asking why he would think such a thing, telling him how much he adored him and loved making love with him, to him. Butterfly kissing the skin of his caramel-colored face, his jawline, his neck, the hollow at the base of his throat, feeling his pulse fluttering against his lips, he scrolled his fingers along his underarms, over his ribs and down to his hips, compressing them against the futon on each side. Lowering his mouth to Javi’s inner thighs and starting at his knees, he hickeyed his way up and down each leg, listening to Javi’s vocal cravings for more….and when he’d reached the top of his right leg it took every ounce of restraint he had not to take Javi into his mouth…. but Javi had stopped himself and Kurt reluctantly followed suit. For whatever reason, his love was very vulnerable right now, and he didn’t want to take advantage of his momentary weaknesses. He reached for the oil that was ever present on tables in every room (sometimes he wondered what people thought all the oil was for) and used his body heat to warm some in his hands before applying it to Javi’s ready cock, sliding his slippery hands and fingers up, down, over and around in the ways Javi loved, tempting him with his touch, observing his face and his body responding to Kurt’s ministrations. His heart was so full of love for this man. And he delighted in watching him like this, abandoning himself in ecstasy….an ecstasy Kurt had helped to create. And as he came he laid his hands firmly over Kurt’s, softly calling his name, not Kurtito, but Kurt.
Kurt slid up the futon and took his Javi in his arms, “Season’s greetings, mi elfo Mexicano denudo!” “Your naked Mexican elf?” Javi chuckled. “I knew I could get a smile out of you.” “Oh, mi amor….. I didn’t mean to attack you like that, I’m sor….” “Sorry? Do you hear me complaining, mi Javi? At least you waited until we were out of the airport… and the cab! Now, tell me…. tell me what’s with this idea that I might leave you? And I lllooooovvvveeee the way you show me how much you need me but, mi Javito…. this just isn’t like you. What happened or didn’t happen…. or….” Javi nestled deeper into Kurt’s embrace as if assuring himself that Kurt was indeed not going anywhere.
“I guess….. it’s a lot of things….Monterrey was…..” What had it been? An emotional rollercoaster….. the normal waxing and waning highs and lows of performing were accelerated by the uneasy conversations with his papa and his hermanito (little brother), and singing a duet with Rigo, which under normal circumstances wouldn’t have even been a blip on the radar after all these years, had turned into reminders of Tonio and why he wasn’t with them, and Kurt….. he’d missed him far more than he ever thought he would. “It was like getting caught in a whirlwind, everything was going in a thousand different directions. I had to work like a madman to keep it together. God! Kurtito, what am I going to do? My family, Tonio, you….” “Tonio? Why Tonio? What….”
“I’m sorry…. I’m confusing you…. let me start over. First, mi familia distanciada (estranged family) appear out of nowhere…. and the conversations….. well, I’ll go into detail later, but they only reminded me of all the people I’ve lost…. so, yeah, the ghost of Tonio had to make an appearance…. and I was missing you more than…. bebe, if I lost you now I’d lose my mind!” Kurt held him closer and kissed his forehead. “So, tell me about your family,” he felt Javi shiver, “Are you cold?” “No… well maybe a little…” Kurt reached behind him and grabbed a fuzzy blanket draping it over both of them. “Better?” Javi nodded, his mass of curls flopping over his eyes.
“Talking with them…. with him… it was almost like reliving the years and months before I left Quintana Roo. I know it was a gigantic step for him but I think he’s more concerned that I reunite with mi mama than making peace with me himself. And mi mama, for her to finally take a stand…. I wouldn’t have wanted to be there for that. My father is a good person, but…. this is going to sound weird, but he reminds me of what it felt like to argue with Tonio, always right, his way or no way…. a psychiatrist would have a field day with that. The difference was that Tonio always apologized, even if he still believed he was right and he almost always did, he never allowed our differences to come between us for very long.” Javi sighed. “The conversations….. they never really varied much….. he wants his supposedly lost children to come home if for no other reason than to make it possible for him to live with mi mama in harmony again. He says this attempt at…. whatever it is…. it’s not about his comfort, but…. I just don’t see it. He really had no interest in what’s happened in my life for the past 17 odd years or in who I am now. My brother took more interest than he did. Of course, for mi mama’s sake I must make the journey to what used to be home….. I need to talk with Bela first. I have no idea where Enrique is, but I’m sure Bela knows. I feel….. like I’m divided in half. How can I reconcile with someone who doesn’t even care who I was… or who I’ve become…. or about you or Tonio or Mateo? He can barely look at me as his “gay” son…. he won’t even say the word! He just calls it “this”! Javi waved his hand in frustration from head to toe.
Kurt leaned his head against Javi’s and soothing his cheek with the back of his hand said, “Mi Javi, I think you’re wrong. He cares very much; otherwise it wouldn’t have created this gulf between you, but what I think he cares about is the fact that none of you are what he would have you be. And he can’t change any of it. You need more than a hurried weekend to expect anything more. This journey he made? If he’s going to have to watch you reconcile with your mom….I don’t know, maybe it’s a way for him to observe….and bring himself to at least try on his own terms and where he feels like he’s in his safety zone, Quintana Roo. Javi nodded his head against Kurt’s chest sliding his fingers through the soft patch of hair he’d come to love. It was time to put thoughts of Quintana Roo and his relatives away. There would be plenty of time to rehash and digest this new challenge.
He snuggled closer under the blanket with Kurt, so very glad to be home, holding his love in his arms. As his eyes wandered the room, he realized it was all decked out in Christmas finery and there was a tall tree with bits of his history decorating it….and the fresh smell…Kurt had gotten a live tree. He tilted his head, looking up at Kurt, “You decorated, mi amor! It’s so beautiful…and so are you!” “I needed something to keep my mind occupied….and there’s more where that came from, would you like to see?” “Mmmmm…..not just yet. Laying here with you like this…it’s better than any of what I’m sure are fantastic surprises. You’re the most spectacular decoration I have. I love you more than a whole forest of trees, more than every memory you’ve hung, every light…..loving you is all I want or need for Christmas.”
Blaine had just ended his call with Nate. He was so looking forward to having him around for Christmas! Far better than returning to Lima and spending an uncomfortable few days with his uncommunicative dad and Deb. Of course he could have made some catchup dates with old friends back there, but he didn’t really want to encounter some of the memories that went with it. Dr. Osman had agreed with his decision. He felt it would be better to continue building what was left of his life in New York at least until he had a better grip on why rebuilding a friendship with Kurt was so important to him. And so far he’d managed to maintain his resolve not to text or call Kurt….and he hadn’t heard from Kurt either. He hadn’t expected to, but still….it left a dull ache in his chest. Yet, he dreamt about him at least once a week it seemed. They weren’t nightmares exactly, just dreams that left him sad or somewhat disturbed. Usually he couldn’t even bring the details to mind, but there was one that wasn’t too hard to read – he and Kurt standing on either side of a huge chasm, Kurt on one side with Javi, Blaine on the other with he didn’t know who, only that he was being held back from….what? Jumping? Reaching Kurt? It’s a dream; let it go he told himself.
Susan was going back to the UK for Christmas, but before she left they’d planned to decorate the apartment together. He suspected she was only doing it in an effort to cheer Blaine up. He hadn’t planned to decorate at all, pretty sure that Nate wouldn’t be particularly disappointed. He’d told her a bit of the story about him and Kurt. She was attentive and didn’t feel the need to judge or give advice. If he ever seriously considered making the move to LA or anywhere else, maybe he’d skip taking up residence with Barry and his buddies and seek out another woman as a roommate. Not that he thought all women would be as companionable as Susan, but living with Barry again, especially since they were no longer together, really didn’t appeal to him. He’d promised her he’d unpack what decorations he owned and she was going to shop for some before she came home later that evening. Maybe a little Christmas music would put him in a more festive mood.
Javi’s father and brother had finally arrived in Quintana Roo late Monday evening, his father completely worn out from the weekend and the long trip. Eduardo had dropped him off at their home, making excuses not to stay, knowing his mama would be full of questions and he had no desire to be caught in what would certainly turn into a not so pleasant conversation if she inadvertently brought up an unwelcome subject, and trying to have a discussion about Javier after their visit to Monterrey? No, he didn’t need to be there. He was proud of his older brother for not backing down in the face of his father’s inflexibility, but hanging around for the possibility of more of the same? He needed his rest, too. Javi had promised to visit in the near future, if for no other reason than to see his mama, but Eduardo knew that Javi wasn’t even close to reconciling with their papa. If that ever happened, it was going to be a long and winding road. How Eduardo wished this aspect of his family’s life could be different! He loved Javi and had resented his father for it when he’d left. He was barely 13 and had always idolized his older brother, secretly hoping to follow in his footsteps someday. But his path had not led him out of Quintana Roo. He’d gone into banking and still sang in his father’s choirs, but he’d not had the courage that Javi had; walking away from home and family to follow a dream that might only be a dream? And then being disowned? His father had made it plain when Enrique left…and then Javi…that defying him was rejecting and disrespecting the entire family.
Javi’s father thankfully set his luggage down in the foyer and called out to his wife, Maria. As soon as she’d heard the soft sound of the door opening, she scurried out of the kitchen into her husband’s arms, glad he was home, and hoping for good news. She patted his cheek and asked if he’d like something to drink and he gratefully accepted. When she’d returned with a tall glass of water and a goblet of red wine, they took a seat on the long low couch in their living room. It felt like heaven to be back in his own home again. “So, Julio? Tell me, what did he say, how does he look?” She was so eager to hear any news about Javier. He took a sip of his water and then his wine, “He’s….in good health and he said he’d come for a visit soon, nothing specific, but soon. Apparently, he has a concert tour coming up in February. As for how he looks? Maria, what happened to our Javito???? He dresses like…..like….a Mexican Liberace! He wears earrings! He calls himself Javi….just Javi….not even Javi Ramos or Ruiz or Ramos Ruiz like he came from nowhere. How can he live that kind of…..life, Maria? It makes me…..sad and….angry…and now he’s lured Bela into that life. Why would he choose….that?” Maria didn’t have to ask what “that” was and asking would only lead to yet another argument. She no more believed that her Javier chose to be gay than she believed that Belita had been lured into anything by her brother. Bela….she loved music, just as Javier did. She wanted her passion and career to extend far beyond Quintana Roo. Maria tried to distract Julio by asking him if he’d enjoyed the music, not an entirely safe subject, but hopefully one that would lead his thoughts away from what he saw as his son’s horribly defiant choices.
“His music….all I can say is he makes people happy….and he’s a natural entertainer….but some of his songs, Maria? Happiness shouldn’t be our ultimate goal in life; God wants more from us than happiness. He wrote and sang a song called Amar de Verdad (True Love) and they played a video in the background of women kissing and men holding hands as if…..this was normal….acceptable….but it’s not! It’s not acceptable! He believes God never turned away from him and wanted to know why I had! How could I not? God doesn’t see…. that…. as true love or love at all!” “Julio! Stop, just stop! You just got home, you’re tired I’m sure, and we can have this discussion once you get some rest. For now? You did what I asked….and that’s enough….for now. We knew this wasn’t going to be easy for you…and as for me? I don’t know what it’s going to be, but I won’t live without mi Javier anymore.”
Kurt watched as Javi slumbered, his head resting on Kurt’s chest, his arms cradling him, his body snuggled into Kurt’s as if he were a child seeking security. What a welcome home! How he wished life could always be this uncomplicated; making love, laying underneath a furry blanket, naked, with the one you loved most. Rather ironic, since all the complications of the world are the very things that had led them here to this little oasis of time in paradise. Family feuds, memories of past heartaches, fear of future heartache. Javi was fond of saying Christmas was about love and magic, and as Kurt’s eyes circled the room, he could see the truth in that. Love had chosen all these ornaments, it had hung them in the form of friends, the smell of the tree was a gift from someone (Kurt still wasn’t sure who but someone beyond him) and all of it created its own magic. It said that there were forces beyond us fabricating circumstances and objects consistent with love and magic; a universe of possibilities, we could sense but could never fully grasp. He tilted his head back so it rested on the arm of the futon, closing his eyes.
“I love you, I love you, I love you, Javier Ramos Ruiz,” he said with a contented sigh, and not realizing Javi was awake, he heard, “And I love you, I love you, I love you, Kurt Hummel….what’s your middle name anyway?” Working his way up his exposed neck with kisses, and when he reached his lips, he whispered, “Oh, I don’t really care, mi Kurtito, I love you without one,” and Kurt sighed again as he gave in to those sensuous lips. “Don’t you want to see how we decorated the rest of the house?” “Oh, mi amor, I love that tree right over there…..would you like to be the first gift I unwrap?….I think you would….” he whispered against his lips, running his tongue around the underside, “But bebe Christmas is almost a week away…Javiiiii…what makes you think….” a slight giggle escaping Kurt’s lips….”I….Javi stop….. “Then that gives us plenty of time, doesn’t it….and you don’t sound at all sure about what you want…. I guess I didn’t tell you…..I’m always so very hungry and horny after I perform and I was all alone…allllll allllooone….mi amor..” Kurt laughed, allowing Javi to continue with his kisses, “I’ll bet Tonio used to love that…and didn’t we just…..Javi….stop…a few hours ago…..Oh my….. yes right there…..” “Shhhh, and it isn’t Tonio I want….what I want is this porcelain-skinned piece of eye candy….this sexy angel of a man under the covers….this hottie….hmmmm did you know that’s how the guys at The Rafters described you the night we met?…….this naked elf I have trapped underneath me….” Javi slowly gliding his inquisitive hands over Kurt’s body as he continued his description, “mi hermoso bebe, don’t you want to be my first gift under the tree?..don’t make me beg…..and besides that was hours ago…..I did say very hungry and very horny, didn’t I?” “Si….Javi…,” Javi smiled to himself as he tickled Kurt’s balls…..” …..mmmmm…… your lips say no….but your body says…..Si Javi what?” “Yes…..you did….say…..” Kurt whimpered, helpless as he was trapped under Javi’s warm body moving against him…”and I love it when……. oh god Javi…. beg…. do I get to open a gift….Javi…yes….too?… .” “let’s see if we can find one….” Javi slid off the futon and reached for Kurt’s hand….”follow me” he said as he crept the foot or so to where the tree stood….and rolled Kurt onto his belly…..”what….” “Shhh, shhh, I get to open my present first…..and I love to hear you beg too…..” and Javi began rubbing coconut oil into Kurt’s sleek calves, slowly moving upward, stopping a few moments to play his tongue over the sensitive skin behind his knees, Kurt squirming slightly and listening for Javi’s voice seeking direction from his lover as to what and where and just how much. He loved massaging Kurt’s thighs, especially his inner thighs, remembering with pleasure the hickeys that covered his own….”Mmmmm….we can’t have a gift without bows…..let me know if these are the kind you like my precious package”…..Slowly spreading his legs apart, he massaged and sucked his way up the tender skin of Kurt’s thighs…”oh there must be something alive in this box…..it’s noisy………maybe someone gave me a new pet….and it can talk….maybe a bird?….a polite bird….yes….and please?….or is that someone begging….” he chuckled softly to himself and skipped over Kurt’s lovely ass, moving on to the smooth skin of his back, deep massaging the oil into his skin, enjoying the feel of his muscles, until he reached his shoulders, then the back of his neck….sliding down his back again, rubbing his swollen prick over Kurt’s pleasantly oily skin…”oh mi amor…..I can’t help myself, you just make me hungrier and hornier…your skin feels so slippery….and wet….. maybe we can open our presents at the same time….” pouring more oil into his palm, he began deeply massaging Kurt’s ass and around his sacrum until he felt him relax beneath his knowledgeable fingers….”mi Kurtito…..our safe words….do you remember them….” Kurt mumbled a yes and Javi whispered, “tell me, do you like this?” Javi slowly slid his thumbs under Kurt’s cheeks, back and forth as Kurt moaned…”si….yes…..oh yes…..Javi…..god….” he continued, waiting for Kurt’s instructions, taking his own pleasure in observing Kurt with all of his senses….. “then let me try this mi amor….” and he warmed a little more oil in his palms, lightly rubbing them together and sliding his hands in a prayer position up through his crack, opening his hands slightly when he reached his tailbone, running his oily thumbs downward pulling his cheeks apart slightly and listening to Kurt’s very audible moan. As he began to move his hands upward again, he whispered, “More?” and Kurt replied, “yeah….yes….” he parted his cheeks a little more continuing to run his oily thumbs up his crack….”Merry Christmas to me, mi bebe…Merry Christmas to you…..” After repeating this a few times…..oh yessss….. the feel of Kurt moving beneath him, when he reached the end of his downward arc, he slipped his oily fingers under his balls and up over his cock, cradling them in his hands and murmuring, “Let’s see if you like this, mi amor…..” he guided Kurt’s hips off the floor and just like the last time they’d done this, took Kurt into his hand, the difference being that nothing separated Kurt’s rock-hard prick and Javi’s slippery hands. As his oil-slick hand moved in rhythm with Kurt, he poured some more oil into his other hand, warming it, then drawing it lightly down his crack again,……”oh mi Javi……oh god it feels so good..yesssss…ahhhh don’t stop…..” wedging his own hardness between Kurt’s cheeks. Skin against skin, so very hot! Holding him like this…..feeling his lover lost in desire…..he never wanted it to end….all of his senses filled with Kurt….and when he felt and heard him come, slipping to the floor, he held his hips down, loving the feel of his prick sliding between his oily cheeks…..Kurt’s body limp beneath him…and finally..his cum warm and wet on Kurt’s lower back…..hearing Kurt’s sigh….. He laid on top of Kurt for a while, listening to them breathe, feeling his heart beat against Kurt’s back. He turned his head and whispered in Kurt’s ear, “I love you so very much, Kurt.” Kurt rolled over underneath him, Javi falling to lay on his side. Kurt stroked his cheek, kissed the tip of his nose and smiled, starting to laugh as he looked at the tree skirt they were laying on, covered with oil, a couple of ornaments now decorating the floor. “First I’m a tomcat…..and now I’m a bird?” Javi shrugged, “When it comes to sex and fantasies I can make you anything I want, si?” Javi reached down and picked up a tiny wooden rocking horse, placing it back on the lowest branch, and sprinkling a few strands of tinsel over Kurt’s face. “Um, I don’t think when they wrote the song about decking the halls, this is what they were talking about.” “But you’re so much more fun unadorned, Kurtito.”
Julio’s exhaustion was soul deep, but sleep was not his friend tonight. Gazing, first at the wall, and then staring at the ceiling, his mind was churning with whispers of his son, Javier…Javi….whoever he was…. Julio’s heart felt like lead…he loved Javier. He’d had such high hopes for him. Wanting him to take over the choirs he directed one day He had everything needed, the talent, the voice, the timing, the understanding of musical composition….but….he knew Javito would never return to Quintana Roo to stay…why would he? With his fame and prosperity? And others supporting and even encouraging his lifestyle?….and even if he did return…two of his choirs were firmly entrenched in the Church….it would never happen as long as he maintained his…..choice, his otherness…..the words gay and homosexual….he could barely think them, much less say them. How was he ever going to make peace with his son? Or his daughter? Or his other son? He punched his pillow with a deep sigh. Somehow….some way…for Maria’s sake…and probably for his own if he were honest….he’d have to walk a path that was more like a labyrinth in his mind – going round and round trying to find whatever it took to lead him to reconciliation.
As Blaine lifted the medium-sized box of ornaments and trim from the top shelf of his bedroom closet and placed it carefully on the floor, he lifted the cardboard flaps and began sorting. Like everyone, he had some favorites and wanted to make sure they were still intact. As he inspected each one, reminiscing about how it had found a home in this box, and setting them aside, he found an extra-long blue knit stocking filled with some of the treasures from his past. It had been several years since he’d decorated for Christmas….well, certainly not since Kurt left….which is why he found every memory he didn’t want or need hiding in this stocking. Sparkly red and green balls with his and Kurt’s names or initials on them. A hand painted ornament…two skaters wearing cozy winter garb gliding on a frozen pond. Kurt’s collection of tiny hats and Blaine’s collection of fanciful Christmas bow ties. He dropped the stocking and its contents to the floor, unsuccessfully forcing back the tears. When would this craziness end? Kurt was not his anymore and he never would be again! He needed to stop mourning a love long gone and start looking for a new love; someone who would love him back. Really love him! Not like he and Barry had “loved” each other. He didn’t want “another Kurt.” If he couldn’t have Kurt, then he didn’t want a replacement. Somehow he had to start looking for a future with someone else. Right now, all Kurt could or would offer was a tenuous friendship and really to what end? And even beyond that, he needed to figure out why he struggled with fidelity.
Blaine gathered the reminders up, stuffed them back in the stocking, and set them inside the closet door. He wasn’t ready to simply throw them away….maybe he’d donate them? He grabbed a handful of tissues, wiped his eyes, blew his nose and carried what remained in the box to the living room. Enough! When Nate got here, they’d talk. There had to be a way out of this tornado and he was going to find it. He was tired of the sadness and the loneliness and living in a world that didn’t exist anymore.
Kurt was so in love with this day…..so in love with his Javi, and yet again, something had changed, shifted between them. He had somehow taken a path in Javi’s mind from Kurtito to Kurt. He loved it when Javi called him Kurtito, he loved all the pet names Javi showered him with. But Kurt was not just a lover or the name that brought joy to Javi’s heart or the sweetness of someone in love. Kurt was a man, a man that could be depended upon, that could be trusted with Javi’s vulnerability, his weaknesses, his doubts, his fears. If Javi noticed the subtlety, he didn’t say anything, but Kurt noticed and he held it close, warming his heart and accepting the responsibility.
