KLAINE BASED FAN FICTION

CHAPTER 42 – IN THE DARK

Only one week until Halloween! Kurt was like a child at Christmas, that’s what Javi was thinking. He loved Halloween, too, if for no other reason than it gave him an excuse to let his imagination run wild about a costume. The Rafters always had a huge party that often carried over to the streets and then to someone’s home until morning. This year, Javi was more excited because Kurt would be there to share it with him. Call it silly or anything else for that matter, ridiculous maybe? Anyway, he loved showing Kurt off to his friends, not just because Kurt was so outrageously gorgeous, but because of Kurt’s way with people, everyone loved him. Javi was so very much in love and he wanted everyone to know with whom. And why the already fun-loving Javi they knew was more over the top than usual. Javi was one of those people whose joy was infectious. He couldn’t help wanting to share Kurt with the world…or at least the world as it related to San Diego.

Poor Kurt! He had to smile. He’d managed to talk him into doing something for this Halloween just for him. At first, Kurt was adamant. He was not going to wear what Javi had asked. It’s not that it was anything particularly outrageous or ridiculous or even offensive. It’s not like Kurt hadn’t worn the costume in the past and actually enjoyed wearing it. But to him, it was his past, even if Blaine hadn’t even been a part of his life then. When Kurt had given that as a reason for not wanting to wear it, Javi had exclaimed, “But mi amor! It is in MY present! You look so…sort of mysterious…and hotter than hot in that costume! I’m not asking you to walk into The Rafters naked….although that would certainly elicit a positive response….” Javi laughed when he saw Kurt roll his eyes. “Javi, Javi, Javi…I haven’t worn that get-up since I was in high school. It probably doesn’t even fit anymore.” To which Javi replied, “Says the man who brought a sewing machine all the way from Ohio! Please????” Kurt tried to dodge it all by saying that outfit was still in Ohio, it wasn’t like he’d brought it with him along with his sewing machine in case he might want to wear it….where? “Kurt, we live in the 21st century. We don’t have to rely on the Pony Express! It could be here overnight if we wanted it to be!” Kurt raised one eyebrow, his hands on his hips, “We??? Which ‘we’ would that be?” Javi almost doubled over laughing. Kurt looked so cute standing there like a prima donna demanding a part that someone might actually be stupid enough to deny her.

“Kurt, it’s one night. Everybody will be dressed up in God knows what….some probably half-dressed or as close to naked as the law allows. It’s a gay club! In that costume you’ll not only fit right in, you’ll be the most tantalizing sight to walk through the door…and to use one of my all-time favorite adjectives…so very, very beddable, but that’s reserved for me of course, in a sense. And that’s the part I love the most! Everyone assumes we’ve been sleeping together since the night we met….you and I knowing it’s not exactly true makes the whole idea, hot, Kurt, so hot!” Kurt rolled his eyes again, and said, “Oh my god! You are incurably incorrigible!” Javi laughed again and said, “Why thank you! That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me….incurablemente incorrigible, si, si, si, you know me so well!” Finally, after much coaxing, pleading and flat-out begging, Kurt called home and asked his dad to ship the outfit to California. He still couldn’t figure out why he’d kept it. He’d made it himself, actually. No matter, he’d wear it for Javi, but not for any of the reasons Javi had given him. If it made him happy, it would make Kurt happy.

In the meantime, Kurt and Adam had a three-day weekend. TAS was in the midst of some renovations, and although classes had continued as usual, they needed a day when no one was in the buildings except the construction crews. Kurt had switched hours with Matt, one of his coworkers, so he would have Monday completely free. He thought it might be a good time for him and Javi to have some discussions about the holidays, them both visiting Ohio when Kurt would hopefully be meeting Blaine for a heart-to-heart…or actually, he preferred a brain-to-brain. There was no way he was going to reveal his heart to Blaine ever again…at least that was his hope.

They were both looking forward to a lazy, quiet weekend. For Javi, there had been some spur of the moment trips to LA and taking time with his manager, agent and record producer, tightening up the schedule for November. Soon he’d be making some overnight or two-day trips for promotional personal appearances. He was considering taking Kurt with him on some of them, but hadn’t mentioned it to Kurt. He knew Kurt would be disappointed if their plans fell through. For Kurt, there had been tests and rehearsals for two recitals, squeezing work in between wherever he could. In truth, he had the perfect job for the life he was living.

Javi had Chinese takeout waiting when Kurt arrived at the house. Their plans were to have no plans for Friday night. They’d already agreed on any topics for discussion, unless of course, their discussions went elsewhere. They loved talking and listening to each other and no topic was off-limits. Javi said jokingly that that was a true sign that they were in love, that one day they’d disagree vehemently on something or another and that’s when they’d really have to learn how to talk and listen. Kurt knew he was right, but he hoped it wasn’t any time soon. He’d learned a lot from years of being bullied. He knew how to stand up for himself and most of the time when to back down. Yeah, he knew the day would come, but he wasn’t going to dwell on it tonight.

As usual, Javi had changed the ambience of his home for the weekend. He loved low lighting in the evening and like everywhere else the days were getting shorter. He’d created a Halloween theme without being gaudy about it. Light orange candles were scattered throughout, some with a slight pumpkin spice scent. A variety of traditional Halloween candies in some sort of decoration that looked like tiny paper bags was set on every table and there were “spider webs” in corners and out of the way places. Kurt couldn’t remember ever having eaten Chinese takeout by candlelight, but with Javi it came as no surprise. After all the cartons were opened, Kurt grabbed a pair of chopsticks and Javi picked up a fork. He looked over at Javi, “You don’t use chopsticks?” “No, should I?” Kurt knew he was playing with him, but he went along. “Well, no, I guess not.” Javi said, “Good! I can’t think of a single reason why using chopsticks is better than using a fork. If someone makes it a law, I’ll use chopsticks to eat Chinese food; until then, I’ll make life a little easier.” Kurt just smiled. They went over their day and their week. They hadn’t seen much of each other, although they’d texted a lot, and even called each other a couple of times. Usually when the weekend arrived, they spent at least 15 minutes just talking about how much they’d missed each other and then sometimes one thing led to another….but not tonight. They both knew there was plenty of time for that this weekend.

Kurt really wanted to talk about the upcoming holidays. He was planning on telling his dad about Javi when he called him on Sunday. Burt had already noticed a change in Kurt since moving to San Diego. He sounded so much more relaxed and more like the in love with life Kurt he’d been before everything that had happened with Blaine. The idea that Kurt might have found someone had crossed his mind, but he would let Kurt tell him in his own time if it were so.

As they got comfy in the media room, the lights low, a relaxing instrumental enveloping the room in peace, Kurt reached for Javi, loosely wrapping his arms around his neck. For a long moment, they just gazed into each other’s eyes, Javi startled again by those kaleidoscope eyes of his winsome lover, drowning in the way light changed their hue. Kurt tightened his arms and leaned in to capture Javi’s lips, Javi responding, running his fingers through his thick, dark ginger hair, both of them tumbling against the back of the couch and making out like a couple of teenagers. “Javito, I have missed your kisses so much this week,” Kurt sighed, kissing him again, “I’m so in love with you. Everything about you is on my mind all the time.” He reached for Javi’s glass of wine, handed it to him, and then picked his glass up, raising it, saying, “To being in love, mi amor, with you. Just you.” Javi didn’t know what to say except, “Bebe, I’m a songwriter at a loss for words, so I’ll just use yours. To being madly in love with you….only you.”

Finally, they settled into the hominess of the couch, reclining into each other’s bodies, Kurt holding Javi as he rested his head on Kurt’s chest. They had decided to check their schedules for both Thanksgiving and Christmas so they could be prepared to talk about it, or as Javi had warned him, as close as he could get to a schedule for those two holidays. “So, Kurtito, you want to talk about the holidays or something else?” he was trying to take his cue from Kurt because he knew this was very important to him and if it was important to Kurt, it was of importance to Javi.

“I still plan on telling my dad about us on Sunday. I’m pretty sure he knows something’s different in my life besides a new city and a new school. I’ve never really been able to hide much from him.” Kurt smiled as he thought of Burt. No one had a better father than Kurt had. Kurt had talked a lot about his father and his stepmother. He’d assured Javi they would be nothing but happy for him, but it would certainly be interesting to see their first impressions and reactions to this whimsical man with a heart as vast as the sky. Even Kurt knew how obvious their being in love was.

“So what is your schedule like, mi amor?” Kurt inquired. Thankfully, at least for now, his manager had arranged his schedule to accommodate the holidays, even Thanksgiving, which was a holiday Javi didn’t really celebrate, being Mexican. But this year wherever he was with Kurt, he’d be celebrating if for no other reason than he had his Kurt to be thankful for….oh, so very thankful for!

Javi explained that the second week in December he was performing at a two-day music festival in Monterrey and he had three personal appearances scattered throughout November, all in Mexico. He also had a music festival in Albuquerque over New Year’s. As of right now, he was free to travel back to Ohio for either or both holidays.

Kurt was quiet for a few moments, and Javi could see the wheels turning in that beautiful mind. Would he ever grow weary of observing Kurt? Could he ever possibly lose his fascination with just being near him? As Javi was playing idly with Kurt’s earring, waiting for him to speak his mind, Kurt finally said, “I want you to be there when I meet with Blaine, if at all possible, Javi.” Javi looked at him quizzically, and Kurt realized what he was puzzled about, “No! I don’t mean when I’m actually talking to him…I mean before and after. I want someone there who doesn’t know Blaine and to be honest I think I’m going to need you….” He didn’t have to explain any further. Javi sat up and turned to look at Kurt, gathering him in his arms. He’d heard his voice break, the tinge of pain….he knew how difficult this was going to be for Kurt, no matter how many times he told him he’d be fine, that two years was long enough and on and on. Yes, he would be fine, but returning to unfinished business with your first love, the person who had been your world for so many years, your only lover….he wanted to be there for Kurt in every way he could. As Kurt finally let go of their embrace, he took a deep breath, then said, “I found out that he’s still living in New York and I got his address and phone number from one of our old roommates. I’m going to try to call him this weekend….or sometime next week….oh, god, Javi! How am I going to get through this…” and the tears began to fall as if from a gray cloud hiding those magical eyes. “Let me hold you, just let me hold you,” Javi whispered as he embraced Kurt again, letting him release all the hurt and pain and fear until he’d cried himself out. Javi never tried to stop a person’s tears, they were one of the greatest gifts given to man…unless you were a stalwart Mexican of course.

Javi reached for the box of Kleenex sitting on the end table and wiped away what was left of the sorrow from Kurt’s cheeks and eyelashes….how he loved those eyelashes…..”Feel better?” he inquired tentatively. “Yeah…yeah…I’m okay….you make all of….this…okay.” Javi gave him a slight smile and kissed him as they returned to where they were on the couch. They spent the rest of the evening watching some concert videos anywhere from several of the Eagles “farewell” tours to Latinx artists like Reik and Kalimba. It was about 2 a.m. when they decided it was time for some sleep; it had been a long week for both of them and after a lingering kiss they parted at “their” bedroom doors.

“Kurt, mi Kurtito, are you awake?” Kurt opened his eyes and thought maybe he’d been dreaming. Javi kept every bedroom pitch black unless lights were on; there were blackout shades underneath the curtains on every window.. He said that it came from living on the road. His sleep schedule was really no schedule at all, so when he was home, every bedroom had several lamps for when you weren’t asleep, but otherwise you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face, literally. He rather liked it. It made a person feel like they were wrapped in their own individual peace cocoon. He finally realized Javi’s quiet voice was emanating from the mini monitors on the bedside tables. “Javi? What…yeah, I’m awake now…what time is it?” Javi chuckled, “Ah, mi lindo (cute) Kurtito, it’s playtime and you’re the only friend I have to play with, everyone else is sleeping….would you like to be my plaything…um, I mean, my playmate?”

Kurt closed his eyes and had to smile, but he said, “Oh, I don’t know, my mischievous Mexican…I’m really, really tired and you know how I hate getting out of bed in the middle of the night…” “Oh, no, no, no….you don’t have to leave that nice warm bed. I’m the one who invited you to play, so I’ll just come to your room, okay?” Kurt sat up and almost gasped, “You’ll what????” “I said I’ll….” “I know what you said!” “Oh, mi, mi, mi Kurtito don’t get all excited….well, not yet anyway….I’ll be right over…oh! and as someone asked me once a little while back, you’re wearing underwear, right?” And then his voice was gone.

Somewhere in the midst of hearing Javi’s seductive voice he remembered the shower fantasy and understood that this was going to be Javi’s version…with a twist….could he handle it? His Javi was an excellent player at this game of a touch of one upmanship between them…trying to balance a semblance of control while giving into the game….it was soooo delicious and soooo scary.

Javi knew Kurt always slept in underwear, a habit he hoped to break him of one day, but not tonight. If anyone could have seen Kurt’s face in the total darkness of that room, they would have seen a little puzzled with a touch of anxious and a bit of curiosity. This was crazy! Part of him was trying to figure out how to convince Javi this was not a good idea and part of him couldn’t wait for whatever he had in mind. He tried to calm himself and when he heard the sound of the bedroom door opening, he remained silent. He could hear Javi’s approach but could not see a thing. He was half singing, half humming something.

“Oh, isn’t this perfect? We only have four of our senses available to play the game. I don’t know about you, but I can’t see a thing…although I can imagine….” He sat at the foot of the bed and started humming softly again. Kurt recognized the melody, but couldn’t place the song until, just as softly, Javi started singing the lyrics to “I Touch Myself” originally by Blondie. He would have laughed if Javi wasn’t so serious about what he was doing, very intentional and he made sure Kurt could hear it in his voice, drawing out just the right words, singing oh no, oh no, oh no in that sexy way he had that was somewhere between a growl and a moan…

In between lyrics, Javi murmured, “I’d tell you to close your eyes, but you don’t need to, do you? You can hear me, you’re very, very aware of my presence aren’t you, mi amor….oh, I just caught the scent of you….like sandalwood and vanilla with a bit of pumpkin spice…and the scent of you when you first wake up, oh, yes… the scent of you when you want me, sort of musky and sweet…did you know that the scent of pumpkin is a male aphrodisiac? Just a little fun fact….You do want me, don’t you……oh, si, si, si, I know you do….that scent….it drives me wild….when I feel down, I want you above me,” he sang just above a whisper. “I think you’d love to have me above you, wouldn’t you, mi Kurtito? Say it….tell me you want me above you…..I can’t do it until you tell me…I won’t touch you at all unless…..say it….tell me how much you want me above you…..” Finally, Kurt managed to murmur….”please, Javi…..I want you above me….now….” and as Kurt’s voice trailed off, Javi slowly inched toward Kurt until he was hovering above Kurt supporting himself on his arms. Kurt was lying on his back, knees bent, and Javi was on his knees between Kurt’s legs. Lowering himself just close enough so Kurt could feel the feathery touch of his lips on Kurt’s own, he sang, “I forget myself, I want you to remind me”…..Kurt, remind me why, I don’t want anybody else….and I don’t…..all I want is you….all of you, your touch….oh, no, mi Kurtito, not yet….I can’t let you touch me…but I’ll let you taste…just to remind you of..how much you want me…” and without preamble he ambushed Kurt’s mouth with a very, very wanton moan, kissed him, nibbling his lips ever so slightly, then returned to caressing him with his tongue, never quite letting up on that sensual moan. Kurt returned his kiss, pulling him closer, sighing, “Please, Javi…please…I want you, so much more of you…” meaning every word, still holding onto a shred of control, but wanting Javi to know just how very much he wanted him…in every way.

Javi turned Kurt’s body so he was laying on his side facing Javi, planting his hands on Kurt’s face without breaking the kiss, then just as quickly, effortlessly he flipped Kurt onto his back once again. He lowered his taut body, his face coming to rest on Kurt’s chest. He entwined their fingers and raised their hands just slightly above Kurt’s head, holding them fast against the pillow. Looking up from his position on Kurt’s chest, he returned his lips and his tongue to Kurt’s chin…and down his neck as Kurt arched, exposing more of it to Javi’s ministrations. He lingered at the soft skin where his throat ended and his chest began, slowly circling it with his tongue, kissing it…and then moving down Kurt’s chest. “My Kurtito, the beauty that is you…sometimes it overwhelms me. Say, for instance your chest, so masculine, so sexy….” and using the tip of his nose and his lips he caressed the light blanket of hair moving his face and his lips, breathing ever so slightly, his warm breath, fluttering over Kurt’s body, going from one nipple and then the other, back and forth, back and forth, as Kurt gasped and sighed beneath him…He let go of one of Kurt’s hands just long enough to push the covers down to just above Kurt’s waist, then reached for Kurt’s hand again, pinning him to the bed.

Javi’s lips moved on to the soft skin of Kurt’s concave belly, completely vulnerable….Kurt’s hands were of no use to him at the moment…. where he began to run his tongue around his navel….all the while listening to Kurt’s barely audible voice begging him to continue, then moaning for him to stop….Javi suddenly released Kurt’s hands, only to place his own hands on Kurt’s hips, holding them firmly on both sides, as Kurt struggled to move them reflexively in response to Javi’s efforts to please him, unable to stop himself, grasping Javi’s hair in both hands.

Javi slid his tongue deeply into Kurt’s navel, holding the pressure of his mouth and his tongue as firmly as he held Kurt’s hips, fluttering his tongue….Kurt could barely control himself, “Javi, stop….please, I can’t handle this…I can’t….” Javi whispered, “What Kurtito, what is it you want me to stop…let me help you, is it this you want me to stop?…” and he plunged his tongue into Kurt’s navel again, increasing the pressure until Kurt couldn’t stay still, he was almost whimpering….”Javi….no, you have to stop….oh, god…..yesssss, Javi, yessss…..” “Ohhhhh, mi poor, poor Kurtito,” and he sang ever so slowly and softly another brief song lyric, “I’d do anything for you”….but no, oh no, I’m sorry, I cannot stop….not now….I can’t leave you like this…..maybe, if I try this…..,” Javi lightly slipped the tip of his tongue into Kurt’s navel and pivoted it around the inside of the fragile core for a while as Kurt continued to plead with him to stop..to not stop….so hot! Javi thought, so very hot! He halted for only a second to ask, “Is that better, mi amante indefenso (my helpless lover)…….si, Javi, no Javi, si, si, si, no, no, no….so indecisive Kurtito…let me try this….” again, he inserted just the very tip of his tongue, curled it underneath the ridge of skin at the top of Kurt’s navel, working it like a tiny prong, up and down, up and down underneath….”I want you sooooo much…..touch me….please….touch me….now, now….”

I would llloooovveee to touch you, mi amor, but my hands are otherwise occupied….are you feeling a bit…confined? If you had said something earlier, maybe…You did? Hmmmm… I will release you soon enough…when I’m done, yes, when I’m done….but I’m not done…..soon? Si, maybe…or maybe no…sometimes this can take a very, very long time….” He released Kurt’s hips and again, crept up Kurt’s torso with the tip of his nose, his lips, his tongue until he was once again hovering over Kurt’s lips. He lowered himself until he was sitting on Kurt’s belly, just enough to keep him pinned to the bed, then holding Kurt’s head steadfast, he passionately claimed his mouth again, conquering its depths with his tongue.

Kurt was effectively restrained, but his body continued to betray him, his hips undulating, his hands reaching first for Javi’s face, then his hair, moving back and forth in no particular rhythm. He couldn’t get enough! He wanted Javi so badly! “Kurt, my delectable, tempting, ohhh soooo beddable Kurt, let me tell you what it feels like….you moving so uncontrollably beneath me…it makes me want to touch you everywhere…in all those forbidden places….you’re making me so hard, barely holding on to…..Ah, you’re asking me to stop again…” Finally, Javi released Kurt’s face, and had to catch his breath, then leaned close to Kurt’s ear, “ohhhh, mi corazon (my heart), now do you know how much I want you…all of you…can you feel me….I want to touch you and taste you….every bit of you…” he moaned.

Again, he crept down the bed, listening to Kurt catching his breath as well. When he reached Kurt’s belly, he began kissing and caressing it all over again, reaching for one of Kurt’s hands drawing it down, while lightly running one of his fingers underneath the waistband of his boxers, allowing Kurt’s hand to grasp his rigid cock, “Javi, mi Javito, I want you….I need you….please…” Kurt’s whole body was straining against his own touch, his bent legs falling open, “Touch me…..please….touch me, mi amor…..I want you to touch me…..give me your hand, Javi…” As Kurt’s hand began its rhythmic dance, Javi slipped off the foot of the bed to the floor, then placed his own hand over Kurt’s allowing it to rest on the shorts and move with Kurt. He knew that wasn’t what Kurt had meant, yet it would be enough…it would only make him want it more. “Javi, stop teasing me…..I need you to touch me…..I want to feel your hand on my cock…,” “oh, mi Kurtito, I would never tease you…never…everything I’m doing right now….it’s intended….deliberate….no, no, no teasing……I want you, mi Kurtito…..I only want to show you how sexy and hot you make me feel….”

It was time…and reaching for himself, he was more than ready. He allowed his imagination to take him to a place where he and Kurt were as one, joined body to body, heart to heart, then lifting his hand from Kurt’s, he began moving that hand up Kurt’s inner thigh until he reached the hem of his boxers. God! He was making himself crazy! All he could think about was how sensitive the skin was as he slid his hand up Kurt’s leg. As he heard Kurt’s breathing escalate, again, he lightly drew a finger back and forth just underneath the hem. He closed his eyes, even though there was no need to, waiting…just waiting for Kurt. When he felt his lover’s back arch, heard the timbre of his voice change as he repeated Javi’s name over and over, he freed himself of all control, “Oh, yessss! Mi Kurtito, yessss, yesss, yesss…!” and followed Kurt into ecstasy.

“Mi Javi, mi Javi, mi Javito….I….” Kurt was shaking, Javi could feel his body shaking….with real concern he said, “Kurt, are you okay?….I didn’t mean to…”

“Mi bebe Javito,” Kurt sort of laughed, “I’m fine, mi amor….that….it was one of the most intense….it felt soooo good…..your hand on mine….your kisses….and not being able to see you….all I could do was feel….dear god, Javi!” Javi, not caring about anything but Kurt, his Kurt, he moved to lay beside him again and kissed his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his ears, and then his mouth. “Oh my god, Javi….” Kurt was still catching his breath, “I’ve never felt like that…ever. I’ve never had anyone do that to me…” Javi asked as he slid his hand over Kurt’s chest, “Do what? Did I hurt you?” “No!” Kurt laughed, “whenever you….restrain me like that….I remember the first time you did that….you stopped me from kissing you until I’d almost reached a point of no return….then, a couple of times, not allowing me to use my hands. for anything! When you wouldn’t let me move my hips I was sure I was going to die from wanting you! I…..it was such a turn-on….” still sounding dazed by the experience.

Javi smiled to himself. This was something to store in his treasure chest of fantasies for future use. So, his Kurtito, liked a little….restraint? He relished the thought of teaching him the fine art of a bit of bondage.

“But you’ve kissed me like that,” Javi started to say, but Kurt, still dazed, said, “Yes, but only after you kissed me that way. I told you I was a fast learner and I figured if you liked kissing me like that, then you probably liked to be kissed that way, too.” Which is exactly why I attacked your navel and your belly the way I did, he thought to himself, remembering Kurt doing the very same thing to him, and yes, he was pretty sure he was going to die in the midst of all that indescribable pleasure/pain. Javi was smiling into the darkness, holding Kurt’s hand. When he’d told Kurt they were going to have so, so, so much fun together, he had no clue how much truth there was to that….things had just gotten so much more interesting…..

CHAPTER 41 – IMAGINATION/SAN DIEGO ZOO

When Javi wandered into the kitchen, he found Kurt frying eggs and bacon, making pancakes, wearing a pair of sweats, no shirt and an apron around his waist….nothing says domesticity like your boyfriend in an apron! He was totally unaware of Javi’s presence. Javi leaned against the fridge and just watched him for a few minutes, his mind wandering to their discussion the night before. Even though he would never, ever change the wonderful fact that Kurt was now in Javi’s life, his heart still broke for the circumstances that had allowed it to happen. What he told Kurt was true; he couldn’t imagine anyone letting this man walk out of their lives, but then their relationship was only a few months old. Every day he was more and more in love with Kurt, but he would never presume to tell him he loved him until they’d traveled down this road with a few bumps and small collisions; you really didn’t begin to know a person until you’d had your first argument. He tossed the thoughts of arguments aside, and continued to watch Kurt, until he turned around and saw Javi standing there. Javi’s heart skipped several beats…it was like seeing him that day when they planned to go to the park and Kurt had been completely unaware of his approach. He’d suddenly spun around and smiled at Javi like there was no other person in the world who could make him that happy; like they were in their own sacred space created just for them. He closed the distance between them, not even trying to conceal his feelings for Kurt so obvious on his face. Javi embraced him and just held him close. When they finally let go of each other, Javi kissed Kurt as he put down the spatula and returned the kiss, wanting to be nowhere other than right here forever. “Kurt, my wonderful, beautiful, unimaginable Kurt…there really are no words for how I feel about you, you have stolen my heart and my mind. It almost hurts the way I want you in my life….completely in my life. That is my greatest wish, mi amor.” Kurt kissed him again and held him, knowing just what he meant because he was feeling the same. At times it almost made him cry. And he could have stood there all day just holding Javi but he broke the mood, and said, “I hope you’re hungry, el unico hombre en mi vida! (the one and only man in my life). “Ah, Kurtito, I love it when you call me names in Spanish!”

Javi looked around the kitchen, laughed and said, “What have you been doing this morning that made you so hungry, mi Kurtito, hmmm? Mi abuela’s apron becomes you!” Kurt looked down at the frilly apron around his waist and said, “Obviously, you need some new ones, Javi. If I’m going to cook without a shirt on I need something to cover my upper half, too.” He was completely serious and Javi laughed again. “Now why would I intentionally buy something that would cover your upper half or your lower half for that matter?”

As Kurt continued to finish up cooking their breakfast, Javi asked if he could help, so Kurt gave him the simple task of setting the table and getting out some milk and orange juice. As hard as Javi had tried, he never could get used to drinking anything but cow’s milk. Almond milk, soy milk? Why bother. He helped Kurt bring their enormous breakfast to the table and then they each took a seat. Before Javi started choosing what he wanted, he bowed his head, whispered a few words under his breath, crossed himself once and then started moving plates around, pouring milk and juice and looked up at Kurt, exclaiming, “This looks like a gourmet meal, mi Kurtito!”After they had each filled their plates, enjoying what Kurt had prepared, Kurt glanced over at Javi and said, “I notice you always say grace, but you never ask me to join you. Why is that, mi amor?” Javi took a moment to swallow and as if he were concentrating on something as serious as finding the solution to world hunger, was silent. He caught Kurt’s gaze and shrugged, “It’s something I grew up with. It stems from the belief that God provides everything and thanking Him or talking to Him is as natural as breathing for me. Tu hombre de mis suenos (Man of my dreams), you aren’t sure what you believe yet. I would never be so presumptuous as to ask you to participate in something that means nothing to you right now. Talking to God should never be forced on anyone for the sake of habit or propriety. When you discover what you believe, then you may join me if you choose to. Until then, I will never expect that of you.” Javi went back to taking a bite of his pancake and Kurt nodded.

“And speaking of mis suenos (my dreams), did you really create that whole scenario, that incredible fantasy in your head? It was something you’d never done before?,” this time it was Kurt’s turn to shrug. “Yeah, it was fun! It all started with the song and…developed from there, I guess.” “So, let me get this straight, I know you had a busier than usual work and school schedule this week. I know you had what you were going to tell me about Blaine on your mind, and knowing you, there was something to write down your thoughts right beside you to make sure you got it right. You also said you were thinking about telling your parents about us sometime this week or next. So, you have all of these significant and emotionally charged ideas roaming around in that beautiful brain while keeping up with work and school, and you’re telling me that listening to U Got My Love launched that intricate fantasy into a reality? All at the same time…..”

“Well, yeah, I guess so. Why?” Javi shook his head in amazement, “you really don’t have a clue about how talented you are! Incredible! Let’s see, you sing like an entire choir of angels, you make dancing appear to be effortless, you’re an accomplished actor, not even out of school yet, you’re a fashionista, you worked for Vogue.com, am I right? and you have an imagination that’s always tuned to “on” even while all that life can throw at you is swirling around….could you paint the Sistine Chapel in your spare time if someone asked you to?”

Kurt looked a bit puzzled but chuckled and asked, “Why, are you asking me to? Does it need repainting?”

Javi put down his fork and looked deeply into Kurt’s eyes, “Mi amor, Dios mi! It’s no wonder you don’t know what your passion is, what you want to do with the rest of your life….you have more choices than anyone I’ve ever known! With your imagination you could become a writer, a playwright, a producer, a director and that’s just in California! That fantasy….you had to coordinate the timing to go with the instrumentals and lyrics, you had to be able to ad lib when necessary, you didn’t know what I was going to say or do! Like asking me if I was wearing underwear….what if I hadn’t been? You had to plan for that and I know you did. You had me in the palm of your hand…and believe me that rarely happens to me…..your timing….you had to be able to stop the action, so to speak, because I KNOW you know just how close I came to truly letting you take me over the edge…you had to know how to contain…el fuego que somos nosotros!” Javi hshook his head, “Sorry, the fire that is us! If that was as you put it “just something you made up in your head” you’re saying no one taught you any of that, right?”

Kurt finally realized how serious Javi was and moved his napkin out of the way, “I mean my past experiences fueled some of the ideas, of course…but no, I suppose no one really taught me how to put it all together. It just….the ideas are just in my head and sometimes they appear out of nowhere…sometimes fully formed even, I guess….sometimes prompted by, say, that song. Geez, I don’t know Javi. Whatever it is, it just seems like it’s always been there.”

“And listening to Tonio and me sing that song, discuss the song….none of that bothered you even a little?” Kurt looked up and said, “No, it really didn’t. That was then, almost another lifetime really. Even though Antonio will always be with you in some way, isn’t that normal? And you had a very public life together. It’s not like I can pretend it never existed. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t escape it as long as I’m with you. Your career now was built on Mateo then. To most of your fans you will never be just Javi, you’ll be Javi from Mateo. I saw that in some of the interviews. I’m assuming that kind of bugs you sometimes. And I’ll be honest, after I got used to it, I liked watching you three together, even knowing your back story with Antonio. It was fun to watch the interaction and even the deep connection you and Tonio had on stage because it told me you were capable of a relationship like that. Do you know how rare that is? I’ve never met anyone like you, who thinks like you, who wants to love like you, Javi. You and Tonio were extremely lucky to find each other, I think. And had that relationship never happened, you and I would probably be having a very different experience with each other.

I agree with your fans, that song is decidedly hot, as in capital HOT! This is how I see it from the outside looking in as a fan. Women and girls love you because you’re the sensitive, sweet, happy and often intense guy, you move like you’re making love to your mic stand….we’ll talk about that some other time,” Kurt smiled, “Antonio’s persona is very intense, but totally different from your intense. His intensity takes the shape of, for lack of a better way to describe it, making love to that piano like he’s in a love/hate relationship with it. He’s got a fury about him, like you said, he’s like the sun! He’s got that bad boy vibe going for him. Then, there’s Rodrigo in the middle. It sort of feels like he’s a conduit of some sort between the two of you. He appears as if the phrase “still waters run deep” was coined just for him. You take a song like U Got My Love and put it in the hands of that combination? Tell me that isn’t the stuff of fantasies? There are a million ways to turn it into all kinds of fantasies!

It was a simple song, but you really did prove your versatility singing it. And once it got in my head, well, like I said, the whole fantasy just sort of arrived….naturally? That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s kind of like I was thinking if I was going to arrange a song like this and then make a video of it, this is how I would want it to sound and this is how I would want the video to go….I don’t know how to explain it, Javi! But no, I’m not jealous of Antonio at all.”

They sat in silence for a while, thinking their own thoughts, then cleared the table, put most of the dishes in the dishwasher and washed what was left. When that was done, they plopped down in their usual places on the couch in the media room. As much fun as they’d had earlier, both were still a bit stunned by what had happened, what might have happened and both wondering if they’d always have the inner strength and will to stop, as Javi had put it, “the fire that is us.” Finally, Kurt took Javi’s hand, kissed his fingers and asked, “Did I take it too far?” He didn’t have to explain what he meant. “I don’t know, mi Kurtito….I really don’t. I have to admit I’ve never lived out that particular fantasy. On the other hand, so much of my relationship with Tonio was living out fantasies. Even our livelihood was like a fantasy at times, especially in the beginning. Of course, we dreamed of becoming famous and all that comes with that, but we could never have imagined what life had in store for us. When we were in the stage of our relationship where you and I are now, of course, Tonio and I came very close to the edge, and in a way that’s half the fun, but it certainly wasn’t easy to stop. I suppose in a way Tonio taught me how to do that, too. As you say, he was intense and very good at controlling every area of his life, even though it may not look that way when you watch him perform. Between what I learned from him and my upbringing…well, it’s why I rarely lose control of my thoughts or actions.” He sighed, “I guess if you’re asking me a question like, could your fantasy have easily gotten out of hand, I’d have to say, of course! That can happen with any fantasy. So much depends on where a person is at emotionally at any given time. This morning, I believe we were feeling especially close to each other, heart to heart I mean. You had just opened yourself up to me about the most meaningful relationship of your life….how it started, how it progressed…and sadly how it ended. I felt so honored that you chose me to share Blaine and all he meant to you and will always mean to you to some degree. Yes, we were both vulnerable. You wanted to be closer to me, I wanted to be closer to you. This is what I think, does not mean it is true, but it’s the way I see it. Because you planned that fantasy so well and because you have an innate ability to….how do I put this?….control the inner workings of your imagination? Somehow that I’m not even sure I understand, you knew how far to take me…and how to stop me….you knew I would never, ever force you to do anything…never, you do know that, si?” Kurt remained silent and slowly nodded, trying to hold Javi’s gaze. “Most of the time I am very much in control of my feelings and actions, even when those feelings are as strong as what I feel for you. My point is, as long as one of us is able to control the situation….that is all we need. Because just as you know I will never, ever force you, I know the same is true of you about me. I absolutely know that here and here,” he touched his head and his heart, “if you can say the same, then we will be fine, mi pequeno amante, mi hermosa amante sexy (my little lover, my beautiful sexy lover)….Javi encircled Kurt in his arms and kissed him softly, lovingly, and then whispered, “and if you ever do that to me again I may have to kill you!”

They both laughed and Javi said, “So! It’s a beautiful day in San Diego, what do you want to do?” Kurt asked, “You really want to know? I mean really?” ” Well, of course, unless it involves jumping off a bridge or playing chicken in traffic or…” Kurt stopped him and said, “I want to go to the zoo.” “What? You’ve never been to the San Diego Zoo? I’m pretty sure any San Diegan who’s not been to the zoo goes straight to jail! What kind of Californian are you anyway?”

Javi got up, gave Kurt his hand and pulled him off the couch. “So! Let’s go play with the animals, mi amigo!” Javi had warned him that there was no way they could see the whole zoo, much less visit all the attractions in one day. Tourists often came to San Diego for a week just to go to the zoo. The weather was typical San Diego, blue skies, warm but not humid, a little bit of smog, but not much. Sometimes Kurt wondered why people didn’t flock to this city to live. He still found himself comparing it almost daily to New York. By now, fall would have fully arrived, heading into winter. Halloween was only two weeks away! His favorite holiday. As busy as he’d been lately, he’d still taken the time to decorate the loft with Adam, Ethan and Javi’s help. That evening had been so much fun! Adam was still a bit star-struck, but Javi was trying so hard to make him feel at ease. He’d answered most of Adam’s questions and had even let him listen to his new release that no one else would hear for at least another month.

Javi had been right, of course. By the time the zoo closed at 6 they had seen only a small fraction of the acres and acres of animals, their habitats, the plants and attractions, but they’d be back. The zoo was open every day, rain or shine, including all holidays. And Kurt had needed the exercise. It had been sporadic for the last few weeks and he really needed to get back into a routine. Javi did have a gym and weight room at the house. He promised himself he’d start taking advantage of it. Then, he smiled to himself….that had just provided the hint of an idea for yet another fantasy…if nothing else life with Javi would never be boring, but he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if both of them being such creative people would somehow negatively affect their relationship. He had no proof, but over the past two years he’d wondered if that had been one of the things that had driven him and Blaine apart. He knew the only way to get some answers was to talk to Blaine. The whole idea made him feel cold inside, but after this long surely they could have a civil conversation. He knew he was still living in New York or at least he had been right before he and Adam had moved. He still had family in Lima. He’d have to think about it some more. Maybe over the holidays? He was sort of hoping to take Javi back to Ohio with him over one of the holidays, depending on his own work schedule. He’d be making some personal appearances in preparation for his new release and next tour starting in November. His birthday was in December. They’d have to discuss the whole idea soon. And he’d have to tell Burt about Javi very, very soon. As always, he was wary about how to tell his family about his new relationship, not because they wouldn’t be happy about it, but because he was always afraid he’d get the conversation all wrong.

And was taking Javi home and meeting with Blaine at the same time a good idea? Yeah, in some ways, probably a very good idea. No matter what happened he’d be there to listen and help him through whatever emotions that conversation might produce. He tried to push the thoughts to the back of his mind. Right now, all he wanted was to immerse himself in the time he had with Javi in the present. The future and its many questions would arrive soon enough.

CHAPTER 40 – YOU GOT MY LOVE/NAVEL OPERATIONS

Sometime during the night, Javi had gotten up and snuffed the candles, but the faint scent of sandalwood and vanilla still lingered. Kurt woke up to find he and Javi spooned, Kurt’s arm resting over Javi’s waist and Javi holding his hand. He closed his eyes again and just allowed himself to enjoy these moments. Last night had been both more difficult and easier than he had expected, but then he hadn’t known what to expect. He hadn’t had the dream about Antonio and Blaine in a little over a week, but its persistence bothered him. He didn’t know what he believed about dreams, but he’d only had a few repetitive ones in his life, and every time they had turned out to have some real significance in his life. One of them would be forever etched in his mind – Dave Karofsky kissing him. That had truly been a nightmare – both as a dream and the reality! The dream seemed so ridiculous at the time, he tried to dismiss it and just hoped it would go away. When it had become a reality, it had been horrifying! Dave Karofsky gay? And then Kurt’s life being threatened??? A lot of life-changing and wonderful things had happened as a result of it, but he’d been a high school kid being bullied at the time, and the bully had just kissed him and told Kurt if he ever told anyone he’d kill him.

He felt Javi stir and then roll onto his back. He stretched and curled himself into Kurt’s arms, facing him. “I knew there was a reason I decided on this couch; two can lay comfortably. Mmmm…the angels must have seen you in my future.” He smiled at the thought of angels concerning themselves with purchasing furniture. Looking over at Javi, all thoughts of Dave Karofsky just disappeared. Could there ever be anything as perfect as waking up with this unbelievable man every day? Surely, the angels were as concerned with that as they were with shopping for furniture!

They cuddled for a while, Javi softly singing something in Spanish. Kurt recognized the song. It was Todo Cambio, the title song of Mateo’s first album. The one that had launched them all into the outer space of stardom. He hadn’t looked up what the words meant yet, but he tucked it into the Mateo/Javi songbook he’d created in his mind.

Javi tilted his head a bit so he could see Kurt’s face. So much could be said about that face and yet a thousand songs could never describe his almost perfect features. Kurt looked down at Javi and smiled…and their eyes met and held each other, the feelings and desire that never seemed to leave them reflecting like a spark in a mirror. Kurt rolled over onto his side a bit more so he was facing Javi. He blinked and whispered, “Looking into your eyes, it’s like watching dark chocolate melting…very, very slowly. There is a part of me that could spend the whole day right here, doing just that. But, I can’t, you see, because the rest of you is soooo distracting. I can’t ignore your soft cinnamon skin,” Kurt ran his finger along Javi’s cheek and jaw line, “your delightfully sensitive ears,” he moved his finger over Javi’s earlobe and along the inside rim of his ear as Javi closed his eyes, “oh, please don’t close them for too long; I want to see them change…..as I..,” he slid his finger slowly down Javi’s neck until he touched the top of his pullover shirt, then ever so slightly moved his hand under the shirt and tweaked the nipple, flattening his hand and barely touching, slowly moved his hand in circles over it. As Kurt concentrated on what he was doing, all the while holding Javi’s gaze, Javi reached for the buttons on Kurt’s shirt and slowly began unfastening each one, although he had to force himself to go slowly. Kurt shifted his hand to Javi’s hair, running his fingers through the curls, over his scalp, and then started all over again, crooning, “And this gorgeous, sexy hair the color of midnight….” never taking his eyes off of Javi’s, then barely whispered, “and your tempting, passionate lips, just begging me to kiss them..My god, Javi! Do you know how much you turn me on….?” and before Javi knew what was happening, a very eager Kurt was combing both hands through his hair and kissing him with practiced intensity, finally closing his eyes. As Javi savored all that was Kurt and his kiss, he moved both of his hands across his lover’s chest, hastily pushing the shirt aside, wanting nothing more than to give in to his deepest desires….but, Kurt stopped him, stopped them.

Visibly shaken, Kurt took control again, and said in that way Javi had of saying the simple words, “Oh, no, no, no,” that sounded more like, “oh, yes, yes, yes…but I won’t, not yet,” he touched Javi’s lips with a single finger and took his hand, then silencing him again, walked down the hallway to the largest and most comfortable bathroom. He playfully pushed Javi into one of the three beanbag chairs, then sat down in the one next to Javi and looked up at him from beneath those impossibly long eyelashes, “I’ve been waiting all week for this, partly just to delight in that look on your face, mi Javito. Perhaps this will be new to you, perhaps not, but fantasizing about it was enough to keep me from falling asleep some nights. I almost called you two or three times, but….I wanted to wait, and I managed to take matters into my own hands; though it wasn’t quite the same without your voice whispering over the phone, it was good practice…and I do have your voice in songs,” he laughed. Javi didn’t say anything. He just waited. This was going to be Kurt leading Javi into Wonderland and he was a willing participant….so far.

When Javi remained silent, Kurt knelt down in front of where Javi was sitting and grasped his pullover shirt on each side and removed it, tossing it aside carelessly. Then, Kurt removed his own shirt, but much more slowly, allowing Javi to take in the sight of Kurt’s toned muscles rippling, absorbing the breathtaking sight of him lazily stretching up and backwards laying his hands behind him revealing everything that Kurt wanted him to see. Then, just as carelessly he tossed his shirt aside. Gliding the short distance across the floor like a cat in the wild, he sat down on top of Javi and said, “It’s always good to start the day off with a shower, don’t you think, mi agua dispueste bebe?” Javi looked up at him and couldn’t help but laugh, “Really, Kurt, my willing water baby???? Okay! Okay! You are so damn cute!” He knew when Kurt gave you that one arched eyebrow look, you better not interfere in….whatever it was he was doing right now…and besides he looked so incredibly sexy when he did it, he loved to provoke him.

Kurt leaned down and kissed Javi, running his index finger along the corners of Javi’s lips, and as Javi sank deeper into the beanbag chair Kurt slowly lowered his body lengthwise down Javi’s, his head coming to rest just above his navel. Oh, my God! What was Kurt thinking???? Javi closed his eyes, and then he heard Kurt whisper, “You do have underwear on, right?” Fortunately, yes, he did. As much as he hated it, he never went out of the house without underwear, but when he was at home all bets were off. He’d slept in his clothes the night before though. He mumbled, “Uh-huh…” Using the tip of his tongue, Kurt began softly flicking it in and around his navel, navigating the vulnerable, defenseless skin of his belly, then steadily increasing the pressure, and Javi laid his head back on the squishy chair and speaking somewhere between a moan and a sigh voicing just how helpless he felt, “Dios mi, Dios mi, Kurt….stop…..please stop….I can’t…”Kurt laid his head on Javi’s belly for a few minutes. Javi smelled the scent of …lavender?….he loved lavender but he didn’t think Kurt knew that….and then felt the warmth of Kurt’s hands slippery with oil moving from just above his pant waist, up his chest and into his hair, as Kurt settled over him, moving so his arms supported him as he leaned down again, this time, kissing Javi and settling himself onto Javi’s slippery, sweet-smelling torso. Javi was lost, utterly lost as Kurt, without breaking the kiss, reached down and undid Javi’s blue leather pants, unzipped them and then broke the kiss, looking straight into Javi’s eyes.

“Oh, bebe (babe), you’re all slick and slippery with oil…now you HAVE to take a shower. Can’t be going anywhere like that….please, let me help you get out of those clothes,” and as Kurt reached towards Javi as if to remove his pants, Javi looked up at him so startled, Kurt had to stop himself from smiling…”oh, no, my hands are all wet, I don’t want to ruin that beautiful leather. Here, I need to go get some warm towels anyway. While I’m doing that, why don’t you wash your hands and get ready for that shower, hmmm?, oh…and, much as it pains me to say this, leave your underwear on.” Then, Kurt was gone and Javi was….he didn’t know what he was. When Kurt had unzipped his pants, the last thing Kurt was thinking about was ruining his clothing! Taking him to the very edge of no return over and over, he knew Kurt was acutely aware of what he was doing to Javi’s resolve. He had no idea what Kurt’s plans were, but again, he had taken him completely by surprise! He quickly washed his hands and took off his pants. Now what? He and Kurt had seen each other not only in underwear but swimwear, Javi’s always revealing much more than Kurt’s, but they’d never seen each other completely aroused….felt it, yes….seen it, no, and if Javi was anything other than unbelievably bewildered, he was definitely aroused. He sat down in the beanbag again and waited, working to gain control of himself again. Kurt knocked lightly on the door and said, “Ready or not, here I come!” He looked at Javi and actually winked at him, “Oh, I did sooooo hope you were ready,” he said as he laid several large warm fluffy towels on the table beside the beanbags, and two pairs of underwear, both….bikinis??? Javi was somewhere between smiling and fear. Whatever Kurt had in mind, it absolutely, most certainly was not something Javi had done before.

Then he turned back to Javi and said, “Ya know, one of the things I really love about this house is how spacious the rooms are, and this one in particular, at least for my purposes at the moment.” He looked around him as if assessing the room again. “I really love the shower because it’s roomy, separate from the tub and the doors are opaque. You can see through them only enough to reveal a hint of the person showering. Oh! and there are two places to sit, we’ll only be using one of them for today, but who knows what the future might bring…”He looked over at Javi again, taking him in from top to bottom, making it very obvious what he was doing, and then he reached for the button of his jeans, locked his eyes with Javi’s again, and slowly unbuttoned them, lowering his eyes a bit as he slowly unzipped, allowing Javi to watch. As if talking to himself, he looked at his jeans, “Good thing I have lots of white jeans. These look like they’re a bit, um, oily.” And as slowly as he could, he slid the jeans down over his body and stepped out of them. “Oh, mi pobre bebe (my poor baby), you look a bit startled…or is that disappointment, maybe? No, no, no, I don’t think so. I thought you might like a change of pace…” Kurt walked to the beanbag he’d been using before and sat down, closed his eyes and folded his hands behind his head for a moment, stretching out and sinking into the chair.

Who is this person???? Javi thought. Kurt was wearing a thong! Modest, body conscious Kurt was wearing a thong! For once, Javi was glad that when Latinxs blushed it wasn’t quite as obvious. When he realized he was staring at Kurt, he quickly looked away, but this enticing man…whoever he was….had taken hold of Javi’s every weakness.

Kurt glanced over at Javi and asked, “Would you like me to get a tad closer?” to which Javi replied too quickly, “No! No, mi amor, stay right where you are….please.” But instead, Kurt got out of the beanbag and walked to the shower, opening the door and turning on the faucets to check the water temperature. Before Javi could close his eyes, Kurt was walking across the room, the thong revealing his tush, and what a fine tush it was! His mind was too busy relishing the sight before him to spend time describing it in his head. Kurt turned around, lowered his gaze and said, “The water is perfect, warm, but not too hot….things will be heating up pretty soon…”As Kurt opened the shower door again, he gestured for Javi to enter. But, then halted Javi placing a hand on his cheek, saying, “I almost forgot, although how I could I’m not sure. Before you do that, I want you to kiss me the way you would want to be kissed….say, if I were in that shower with you.” He lowered his voice and whispered, “Kiss me sexy, Javi….Show me….por favor (please)?” By this time Javi could barely think. He was like an emotional vessel, completely filled with passion, want and lust and before Kurt even got the chance to finish the words por favor, Javi was reaching for Kurt…and then Kurt stopped him again! This was driving him mad! “Oh, and don’t get too close, we wouldn’t want to accidentally…” Javi held Kurt by his shoulders, then wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled Kurt toward him, and said under his breath, “You’re reeeaaallly enjoying the taunting, aren’t you, Kurtito? Let me show you just how close I can get without accidentally doing anything, you little cock-tease,” and as he held Kurt’s face firmly in both hands, he placed his lips on Kurt’s, forcefully opening his mouth as wide as he could and using his tongue in ways he was pretty sure Kurt had never experienced, while moving ever closer to Kurt until their bodies were almost touching. Then, just as swiftly he let go, walked into the shower and closed the door. The water and steam engulfed him as he raised his head with eyes closed. He took a deep breath and let it go, not believing how close he’d just come to giving in. When he opened them, he could almost make out the blurred shape of Kurt sitting on the third beanbag facing the shower and from what he could tell he was completely nude.

“Oh, Javi,” Kurt said, sounding as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened, “this is like watching you in a dream sequence, everything appears kind of gauzy and surreal….so sensual….but those bikinis have to go, remove them slowly please…I wouldn’t want you to slip and fall…” Javi turned his back towards Kurt, placed a hand on the shower wall to steady himself and then removed the soaked blue bikinis slowly, one leg at a time. He was already so aroused by all the foreplay, it was like a throbbing in his groin.

“Much, much better….now, please, get comfortable,” Kurt said, adding, “Well, as comfortable as you can considering your circumstances,” It was like he knew exactly what Javi was feeling. And he was reveling in his own perceived control. “You’ll find there’s a new bar of lavender soap.” Javi stayed right where he was, facing the shower wall, taking slow, steady breaths, trying to calm himself.

I did a little research on a song you sang with Mateo. Remember “U Got My Love”? I’m sure you do. It was written by someone outside the group as I recall and in an interview you and Tonio described it as just something fun you played around with in the studio and that it would never be released as a single. It was your first album and you wanted to show the world how versatile the group could be. Except it turned into the most requested song at your concerts, and when your fans were asked why, do you remember what they said? They said that the combination of the lyrics and the beat were so hot that they wanted to see you three perform it seeing if they matched…I’m assuming they meant the so hot part…..and they did, match that is. Some said, and I quote, in English of course, “Watching Mateo perform U Got My Love live makes me want to tear off all my clothes and attack them right there on stage!” Didn’t specify if these were male and/or female fans, but…anyway…. My those Latinxs can be hot-blooded, can’t they?” In fact, I couldn’t find a single official video, but I did find a few live videos on Youtube that were not allowed viewing in the US. Unbelievable! In the US of all places I couldn’t watch a video of Javi performing this song….and from what I read you never performed it in the US even when asked by the fans. Hmmm…..And ya know after I heard it a few times I just couldn’t get it out of head! The lyrics, the beat, the way it all progresses to….a climax. And then this fantasy started wrapping itself around the song, or maybe it was the other way around, but somehow we wound up here, with you in a warm, steamy shower covered in lavender scented oil all the while wishing I was in there with you, and I know you do, Javi….BUT we both know….okay, not going to go there….so! As I said, get comfortable any way you can, but if you need a little help, this is how I picture you….”

Suddenly, the sound of U Got My Love was encircling the room, the volume just right, loud enough to feel the beat and hear the words, soft enough not to be completely distracting, and most importantly, still being able to hear Kurt’s voice.

“Mi Javito, as I was saying, this is how I picture you, I can see you standing there with both hands on the wall….literally, I can see that, but there’s something else….I’m in there with you….oh, you tried to stop me, you really did….but I just had to feel that warm water slithering down our bodies, and then you turned towards the wall when I dropped to my knees in front of you…..oh, no, no, no, I’m not standing up again….not until I’m done..so, I’m looking up at you as I slowly slip my tongue from the bottom of….what was it you called me? Oh, yeah, a cock-tease…from the bottom of your cock to the head and back down again over and over….I’m in no hurry. And since this is just a fantasy, I’m free to speak…I’m free to do anything I want to do to you, mi Javier…Ramos…Ruiz….if it wasn’t a fantasy, well, I’d be having a reaaalllyy, realllly hard time speaking because that cock that you accused me of teasing? Remember that? I’m completely engrossed in teasing it with my mouth… and my lips… and I’m touching you all over with my hands just waiting for to you tumble right over the edge….taunting you…lingering here and there just biding my time….you’ll give in, I know you will….because I don’t plan on stopping until you do….Nooooo, mi Javito, stop begging me to stop…I just can’t…. I love the way you taste and feel inside me…so hard…surprised you haven’t given in by now….and I’m firmly holding that delectable ass….I just can’t help myself….I have to pull you closer and deeper until all of you is in my mouth….and your hands are almost pulling my hair you’re holding it so tight…me just waiting to hear you say, si, si, si….por favor, mi Kurtito…no, no, no, stop….no don’t stop…” Kurt had made sure U Got My Love was on continuous loop, so that, hopefully, he could time this perfectly. He continued describing what he was feeling and thinking about doing to Javi, knowing that by now they were both ready…the fact that they had held out this long….well, between the beat of the music, the words, the images that the song brought to mind combined with Kurt’s vivid description of his fantasy….it was almost time.

U Got My Love had played through about five times. As the song reached the verse starting with “remember, babe, you were born to be my lady,” and went into crescendo (the climax Kurt had spoken of), Kurt spoke through a moan, “I can’t wait any longer, Javi…I just have to plunge every single inch of your cock into my mouth….I want to taste all of you…” and as the song reached the words “you drive me crazy every time you kiss me sexy,” Kurt truly was unable to speak and all he heard was Javi’s voice somewhere between agony and ecstasy, saying, “Mi, mi, mi Kurtito! Oh, my God, Kurt, I’m coming….what you do to me….oh si! oh nooooo…”

When Kurt returned to the here and now, he grabbed the remote and silenced the song. Kurt could see a hazy Javi finishing his shower and when he shut off the water, Kurt was standing at the shower door wearing a pair of dark green bikini underwear, whispering with a chuckle in his voice, “So, was it a si or was it a no, mi Javito?” He told him where to find the towels and underwear, then said, “I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

CHAPTER 39 – WHEN WE WERE 16

Javi knew the weekend was going to be intense and emotional for both Kurt and him, if he still planned to follow through with opening up about Blaine, so he asked Kurt if he’d like to go out to dinner again on Friday night. Kurt figured Javi had to know of some authentic Mexican restaurants, so they decided to go to Aqui De Texcoco. It had been a busy week, at work and school. He asked Adam for some advice on how to talk to Javi about Blaine, what to say, or not say? He was nervous, afraid he’d say too much or not enough or just mess the whole thing up altogether. Adam had already had this conversation with Ethan about Barry, but he was not Kurt. All he could tell him was to just let the words and feelings come. It was the only way. There was no script for this, no matter how many notebooks a person filled, and he had seen Kurt the Coordinator at work all week. He sighed; Kurt could be the most spontaneous person at times, but when it came to his feelings, especially after the final breakup? Well, he guarded them like they were the crown jewels. And that wasn’t a bad thing for a while, but it had been almost two years. Watching him open up to Javi was sort of like watching a flower blooming, a slow process until one day you hoped to see it fully allowing the sun to bathe it in light again.

Again, Kurt found himself studying the contents of his closet. Javi had chided him about dressing down so as not to clash with his own fashion statements. He’d laughed and told him that almost everyone clashed with what Javi might be wearing at any given time. Between his Mexican sensibilities and his love of bold, bright and flashy, it was inevitable. He thought maybe borrowing from the younger Kurt might relax him a bit. That Kurt had been a bit more playful with his wardrobe…and obsessed with fashion at the time. He moved the hangers around a bit until he found the dark blue button-up with flowing deep red lines adorning the shirt. He had a blue velvet choker to go with it. He tried it on and liked the effect. This way he could wear his shirt unbuttoned to maybe the fifth button? The choker drew one’s attention either to the V of the unbuttoned shirt or to his face. He felt a startle of surprise! It had been a long time since Kurt had cared what part of his body a person might be looking at. But the only person he cared about being the focus of any attention was Javi and looking as sexy as he could for him. Feeling or looking sexy had been so far from his mind for so long….He added a small heart-shaped pendant to the choker, anything larger would detract from the look. His white jeans to go with the dab of white mixed with the red on the shirt? He tried them on, added his black leather lace-up boots and a belt. This ensemble made him look taller and thinner, everything from shirt to boots looking almost tailored for his body. Yep! There was still a glimmer of the younger Kurt holding court somewhere inside.

When Kurt arrived at the restaurant, Javi was already waiting for him at the table they’d reserved. Kurt had never had authentic Mexican food. This place was small and decorated nothing like the Mexican restaurants where Kurt had dined in the past. In fact, if it weren’t for the delicious smells that said south of the border, it could have been any kind of restaurant. When Javi saw Kurt, he smiled at him like his whole world was walking toward the table. He got up and held Kurt’s chair for him. Kurt found this gentlemanly gesture so charming!

“Ah, un nuevo cuerpo celestial acaba de caer a la tierra!,” Kurt raised an eyebrow as if to say, “English, please?” Javi shook his head and laughed, “Sorry, sometimes I get carried away just looking at you. I said, a new heavenly body just fell to Earth. You look gorgeous!” He could say the same for Javi. He was wearing a light pink pullover shirt, displaying his muscular upper arms and chest to perfection. He wore suspenders in rainbow colors attached to a pair of tight dark blue leather pants and shoes to match. Those careless curls tumbled over his forehead revealing a strand he had colored dark pink. And somehow a hat of pale blue appeared to tie the look together as if the man had been gift-wrapped. Only Javi….and maybe Elton John….could carry this off.

“So, mi amor, are you hungry? I hope so because you are in for a treat for the taste buds.” Kurt let Javi order, not having a clue what he would have ordered for himself. Javi made sure that like Kurt’s coffee that was far from espresso, the food would not be too spicy, at least not the first time. When their meal arrived, Javi asked Kurt to taste it first. Kurt had no idea what he was about to eat, but whatever it was, just the aroma made him ravenous. Javi had been right, a treat for the taste buds. He closed his eyes, savoring the cuisine. When he opened them again, Javi was watching him intently. “Oh, sorry, just watching you eat….well, never mind…so, do you like it?” “Yes! What is it?” “Barbecued lamb, cordero asado. You’ve never eaten lamb have you?” Kurt laughed and said, “No, it’s not a staple in Lima. In fact, I doubt you could find it on very many menus in the whole state of Ohio!” As they finished the delectable fare, they decided against dessert, but finished with coffee flavored with cinnamon. It was still early in the evening so they decided to walk back to Javi’s even though it was a bit farther than their usual walks. It was the weekend, time to let go of the demands of the previous week and just “be” as Javi liked to say. As they strolled down the sidewalk, barely holding hands, it still amazed Kurt how Javi barely touching him like this could send the animated electricity up his arm traveling through his entire body. His mind was floating somewhere between the heavens and San Diego when in one swift motion Javi took him into his arms and propelled him backwards against a eucalyptus tree. Kurt was taken completely off guard when with urgency Javi laid hold of Kurt’s face in that way he had that was both forceful but gentle and kissed him, starting with just his lips until Kurt was sure he couldn’t stand another second of his taunting, not allowing Kurt to take the kiss further, and then just as urgently prying Kurt’s lips open with his tongue, touching the tip to first the roof of Kurt’s mouth, letting it play over his sensitive palate, then moving to the tip of Kurt’s tongue, again taking his time, just playing….then, gradually moving his body until it was flat against Kurt and with an almost desperate moan released the kiss to allow Kurt the freedom to return his ardor, devouring him like the flames of a recently ignited fire.

When they finally parted, Javi closed his eyes, opened them again and looked into Kurt’s eyes, “I have wanted to do that all night,” still breathless, “from the moment I saw you. Being away from you, even for a few days, sometimes it’s sheer agony. And this may not be the right time to say this, but how anyone could ever let you walk out of their life…..it’s beyond my understanding. And yes I know that’s the part of me that is deliriously in love with you speaking, but….”Kurt tilted his forehead until it touched Javi’s, still breathless himself, caressing his cheek with his thumb, and said, “I want to get this right…un hombre? tan dulce que…tengo (such a sweet man I have), it was exactly the right time. Talking about Blaine will never be easy, or I don’t think it will, but knowing that there is someone in my life who is so open, so honest with me, and passionate about me…I can’t begin to tell you how you’ve helped me start to free myself from the past. Oh, and you may always shove me against trees and kiss the very breath out of me anytime you like.” After standing in the twilight listening to the sounds of a San Diego Friday night for a few moments, Javi picked up his hat that had abandoned him in the kiss, and Kurt reached for Javi’s warm hand.

Soon, they arrived at Javi’s door, which he unlocked and then allowed Kurt to walk in first. Every weekend it seemed Javi changed the ambience of his home. Tonight, he’d lit each room just enough so that when he arrived home he could light strategically placed candles without having to turn on a single light. Each candle was symmetric with the others. Again, for Kurt’s benefit, he’d used vanilla and sandalwood. He’d arranged some delicate plants and baskets that would add, not detract, from the room’s own decor. The sound of the ocean through hidden overhead speakers spoke just loud enough to be soothing. As Javi got a Coke and Diet Coke for each of them, Kurt continued to wander through the living room and media room where he noticed Javi had placed small boxes of Kleenex; only Javi would think of such a thing. There were dainty crystal dishes filled with chocolates. He wondered if he did this for himself before Kurt had started spending the weekends. Being Javi, he guessed probably. Maybe he’d ask him later.

They took up their usual places on the couch in the media room, taking in the sound of the ocean, the scent of the candles, Javi’s head resting on Kurt’s shoulder as Kurt held him, just breathing the subtle fragrance that was all Javi. Once he felt relaxed, he took a breath and asked Javi if he was in the mood to listen. Javi looked up at Kurt’s angelic face, noting sadness in his eyes…and what he thought might be determination. “If at all possible, whenever you are in the mood to talk, I will be willing and able to listen, mi Kurtito.”

Kurt leaned over and kissed his curls and then his forehead, got more comfortable, then asked Javi if he’d watched the videos he’d given him. Javi simply nodded and Kurt said, “Good. I didn’t really think that’s how I’d feel about it, but I do. I sort of feel like we’re on an even playing field now. I have watched you and Antonio; you have watched Blaine and me. It makes it easier knowing what you saw. I was 16 when we met. I had changed schools in the middle of the year because of some problems I was having at McKinley. That’s another story that I’ll tell you some other time. Anyway, Blaine was the first person I met at Dalton Academy where I’d transferred. It was an all-boys school, very different from McKinley. It was absolutely love at first sight for me and Blaine was very outgoing. He made sure I met everyone and got me involved in their equivalent of Glee Club, The Warblers. Blaine was only 15, but he was the hottest guy at Dalton, gay or straight. Everyone loved him. We became best friends, almost inseparable. Neither of us had ever had a boyfriend. It wasn’t like Lima was overflowing with gays and even if it had been not many were out. Blaine and I were two of the few. We had fun singing together in and out of The Warblers, but still just friends. When the Warblers were trying to decide what songs to sing at Regionals, the first step towards Nationals, Blaine suddenly announced that he wanted to sing a duet with me, which shocked everyone including me. I was the new kid after all. In order to try out I had to audition, of course, and I chose Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Long story short, it was decided we would sing a duet. One night, Blaine met me to go over and practice the song he’d chosen. I was curious as to why he’d chosen me to sing a duet with, so I asked him.” Javi thought that sounded exactly like Kurt, straightforward. “I was shocked when Blaine explained his new feelings for me and then kissed me, my first kiss, his first kiss.” He stopped for a minute, trying to control his emotions, and grabbed a Kleenex. “Blaine….we were each other’s first everything.” He was quiet again for a while. Finally, he was able to continue. “After that, we were even more inseparable. I know now just how very young we were…” and then he sort of laughed, thinking he was only 22 now! “But then, we were each other’s whole world. Even when I left for New York, we were so sure nothing would come between us. Well, I was anyway. Being younger than me, Blaine was a bit more insecure, but we managed to hold it together even after I’d moved to New York, but not for long. Again, looking back, I can understand what happened, but…anyway, Blaine cheated on me, just once, but I just couldn’t handle it and I still can’t handle it. Well, actually, I won’t handle it. It’s just something I refuse to deal with. So, we broke up. But he was still my best friend, not just my boyfriend and not just my first and only lover. When I was back in Lima for spring break a few months later, we decided to try again. He would be graduating that year and was planning to move to New York. He’d been accepted at NYADA, too. By then, we were engaged.” Kurt stopped again and Javi reached up and cradled Kurt’s face in his hand, and just waited. “We lived together off and on in New York. There was so much to adjust to and I’d already been there for a year. Of course, it was nothing like high school. This is when real life met us head on. After a while, it felt like rather than working together, we were working against each other. I was struggling with becoming an adult…well, I guess we both were, but anyway, we decided to take a break from each other for a bit.

I had known Adam, my current roommate, for quite a while. He was living with his boyfriend, Barry. The apartment Blaine and I had been living in was in my name, so Adam told Blaine he could stay with them until he found another place or just stay because the place was certainly large enough. I thought it was nice of Adam, and it was. Blaine and I still saw each other and occasionally spent the night together or the weekend. I was sure things were heading in the right direction. I was starting to feel closer to Blaine again and I thought he felt the same. I’d never stopped loving him. We’d even started making wedding plans again. We’d gotten some counseling….” It was like Kurt was bewildered by the turn of events all over again, “I came home from work one day and there was a message from Adam. That in itself was strange, why didn’t he text me as usual? He said to meet them at their apartment. This was nothing new, we got together all the time for one thing or another. When I got there Adam gave me a look and asked me to have a seat. Blaine was sitting in one chair and Barry was sitting in another across from each other, looking anywhere but at Adam and me. Adam took my hand, which was really strange, then looked at Blaine and Barry and nodded. I just looked at all of them and felt my heart sink. Blaine and Barry told us that they had fallen in love, they hadn’t meant for it to happen….by then I was no longer listening. Adam was crying, I was crying, fuck! We were all sitting there crying. After a while I just looked at Adam, told him he could stay at my place and we left. The next day, he went back when Blaine and Barry were both at work, got his stuff and moved in with me. I never really talked to Blaine again, not that he didn’t try, like explaining would make it better and life would all be good again. I wasn’t going to repeat the same scene from earlier in our relationship. I never asked Adam if he’d talked to Barry again. I didn’t want to know. After about six months out of loneliness or who knows why, Adam and I attempted a romantic relationship. Of course, it went nowhere. We always ended up blubbering over the two of them. We never even made it past kissing. But had Adam not been there for me, I don’t know how I’d have gotten through it. When the school year ended, Adam and I decided we needed a change and you already know that part of the story.”

Javi remained silent, waiting to see if Kurt was finished and when he realized he was probably done talking for the time being, he sat up, took Kurt in his arms and just held him, the only sound being the gentle waves of the ocean. Finally, he let go, and let Kurt stretch out, laying his head in Javi’s lap. Without even being aware of it, he started massaging Kurt’s temples, thinking about what Kurt had revealed, and said, “May I ask you something, Kurt?”

With eyes closed, enjoying the feel of the massage and the comfort of Javi’s lap, he said, “Of course. If you didn’t have questions I would have to wonder why. I’ll try to answer them…although I can’t guarantee I won’t start crying again.” Javi looked down at him, “You’re not Mexican; you’re allowed to cry,” he said trying to ease the feeling of heaviness that surrounded them. “I tried to tell my father once that there was more strength in a single tear than there was in the supposed bravery of burying your true self. I’m not sure he even understood what I meant.”

“Anyway,” Javi continued, “why didn’t you ever talk to Blaine again? Wouldn’t that have helped you to move on?” Kurt sighed, “He’d cheated on me once and I didn’t want to hear I’m sorry from him, even once more. I knew he was sorry. I knew he hadn’t intentionally tried to hurt me. Nothing he could have said would’ve changed anything. Talking to him, well, actually listening to him, would have just opened the wound again. I had nothing to say to him. He knew the one thing that I hated above all else was infidelity….and this time it wasn’t just once. He was having an affair with Adam’s roommate. God! It sounds like a bad plot for a soap opera. What was he going to say, I’m sorry I hurt you again, I’m not really in love with Barry, let’s try again Kurt? There was no point in putting myself through that again.”

Javi nodded, and understood that Kurt had just revealed a very important part of himself, not just something he would never tolerate in a relationship, but a piece of Kurt’s own foundation. Loyalty, honesty, respect….these were all a part of what made Kurt Kurt.

Then Kurt asked, “How did you and Tonio feel about infidelity? How did you deal with it?” Javi let his mind travel back in time, recalling the many conversations they’d had about cheating. Tonio would live with nothing less than fidelity in himself and in Javi, and he had been just as adamant on the subject. Of course they knew that living on the road and working in the music industry would try their resolve almost daily, but as far as he knew Tonio had never crossed that line and Javi hadn’t either. He remembered Tonio saying something like if a person said “it’s just sex” as an excuse they were lying. Sex was never “just” anything. Even a one-night stand said “you and you aren’t important to me!”, meaning the person you were cheating with and also the person you supposedly loved. It said you didn’t even respect yourself enough to do what was right; it said what I want in the moment is more important to me than us. They had even discussed specific temptations each had had and with whom. Tonio was always so passionate about everything; he even called himself a diva! He’d once said something like, “I expect you to be tempted, Javi. Even if we lived a normal life we’d be tempted. But I’d rather have you go into intimate detail about why a certain person attracts you! I’d rather hear that from you than that you gave in to it. Even our temptations can work to our advantage as long as we talk about them.” And strange as it sounded, they had worked to their advantage. Fantasy was an integral part of their love life. He told Kurt about the conversations they’d had, the decisions they’d made together, all of it.

Again, Kurt was a little stunned, although he wondered why. Antonio and Javi’s relationship was decidedly unconventional. He tried to apply those scenarios to him and Blaine. Might it have worked for them? Could either of them have ever been secure enough in themselves and what they had together to deal with the many temptations that had come their way in the way Tonio and Javi had? It was pretty hard to imagine, but he could at least imagine it with Javi because of what he knew about Javi’s beliefs and desires on the subject.

“Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I could have done something to change….what happened. Even though Blaine was the only person I’ve ever loved, I know problems in a relationship are rarely one-sided. I wasn’t the easiest person to live with, I’m sure. I could be too controlling sometimes. I know I expected things from Blaine that in my heart I knew he wasn’t ready for. We did really try to be truthful with each other, but there was a lot between us that was left unsaid, out of fear? Insecurity? Some sort of power struggle? Even now…..Javi? I’ve spent two years letting go a little at a time. I just wish I could either find some of the answers or put it to rest!”

“Oh, mi amor!” What was Javi going to say? He decided to make a suggestion. It would be up to Kurt to follow through or not…and maybe it wasn’t going to help, but he determined it wouldn’t hurt and said, “Kurt, you’ve been torturing yourself for two years with these questions. This may not be the answer to any of your questions, but have you ever thought that now would be a good time to finally talk to Blaine? After so long, both of you probably have a different perspective. Blaine’s in another relationship and you are, too. And where and with whom the blame lies isn’t important anymore. What’s important is that you at least try to get some answers, even if you don’t like them or believe them. As you say, Blaine was your entire world. At least think about it. The decision is yours of course.”

Kurt let his mind return to Lima and the place that he and Blaine had had so many important discussions, the Lima Bean. He tried to imagine them having a rational discussion over what had been and their views on what had gone wrong…or even after this long, what had gone right. What could it hurt? Well, it could hurt, but with no possibility of them ever being a couple again, maybe he really would get some answers. He looked up at Javi and gave him a faint smile.

It was late and he was exhausted. He reached up and touched Javi’s curls and Javi quietly slid down on the couch so that they were facing each other. Javi gazed into those eyes that defied description. They were still shiny with unshed tears. He reached over and with his thumb gently wiped the tears away, then closed Kurt’s eyes, and kissed his eyelids. He drew Kurt toward him and cradled his head on Javi’s shoulder, got comfortable and then laid a hand on Kurt’s cheek. “Oh, mi amor, mi hermoso Kurtito (my beautiful Kurtito), rest your head and your heart in their new home.” Their bodies relaxed into each other’s arms, their breathing slowing until they were asleep.

CHAPTER 38 – MOVING FORWARD

Video links of the 3 songs mentioned in this chapter at bottom of page.

A few weeks had passed and Kurt and Javi had fallen into somewhat of a routine, that is, if Javi’s life could ever have anything resembling a routine. He’d had to go to LA for a couple of day trips. It was still too early for personal appearances for his upcoming tour in February, so he’d spent some time perfecting the 3 or 4 songs he’d already written along with a couple reflecting his new feelings for Kurt. Depending on Kurt’s class and work schedule, they would sometimes meet at the park during the week and spend a lazy afternoon, sometimes walking the trails and enjoying each other’s company. They tried to give each other plenty of time and space alone, knowing how important it was. Creativity was something that didn’t limit itself to schedules and alarm clocks. While Kurt was learning to use his in different media through school, Javi was letting his speak to him as he always had. They also needed time to think about where their relationship was heading…what they needed to do or know to build the foundation.

Kurt spent most weekends at Javi’s house. It was arranged in such a way that they felt they could be together while being alone if they needed to be. Not that they really wanted to be very much. Adam still couldn’t or wouldn’t believe that they weren’t sleeping together…but on the other hand, he’d never known Kurt to lie to him about anything. Kurt seemed so very happy and watching them together, Adam knew they were in love. Finally, Adam decided as long as Kurt was happy, what he believed didn’t matter. He liked where his life was right now with Ethan, so why not just focus on that?

Kurt had had a couple of things on his mind. He wasn’t sure which one was more important, or even if one was more important than the other, but Kurt being Kurt, he was keeping a notebook on the two topics uppermost in his mind so that when he did finally feel he was prepared to talk about them with Javi, he’d be ready.

The first was the question Javi had initiated in one of their first serious discussions. What did he believe about his existence, who or what, if anything, he put his faith in? As he’d told Javi, he’d never really thought much about it, except in the broadest sense. But then no one had been so interested and honest in asking him those questions. It seemed that most of the time when faith or spirituality or whatever you wanted to call it came up, people were more interested in telling him why he should believe what they did. Javi wasn’t doing that. He felt that all that was Javi was based on his faith, that there was no separation between what he called God and Javi’s very identity. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. If a person believed he was created for specific purposes, then you had to believe that someone or something outside of yourself had supplied you with whatever it took to fulfill those purposes. He knew he didn’t believe that the universe, and specifically the Earth and all that nature represented, had happened in a burst of spontaneous combustion…even if you believed that, what had created all that was required for THAT to happen? He carefully wrote all the thoughts down and decided he needed to put it aside for a while. His mind could stretch only so far….and as Javi had put it, when presented with such questions sometimes the only appropriate response was silence.

He turned his mind to the other topic. He almost preferred considering something as deep as his very existence over pondering telling Javi about Blaine. It wasn’t that it was as painful anymore, it was a time in his life he’d like to just put behind him. But, he knew in order to really do that, he needed to tell Javi about Blaine and all that meant. Then, he hoped he could put it behind him, eventually allowing it to become a memory of first love and lay it to rest. He leaned back in the chair in which he was sitting and stretched. Javi had had to make a day trip to LA and he told Kurt he could stay at the house if he wanted. Kurt loved this cradle of comfort Javi called home. That’s exactly what if felt like, a place to rest and take in the warmth that permeated every room.

He wanted to tell him about Blaine this weekend and ask him some more questions about this whole idea of his existence. He rarely thought about Blaine anymore, but he knew a part of him would always love all that they had had. Completely erasing the significance of their relationship on his life, would be like asking Javi to erase Antonio as if he never existed. It wasn’t possible and it wasn’t necessary. He loved what Javi and him were building, but as he’d come to realize you indeed built your present and future on your past. Everything needed a foundation, I guess that sort of went along with the first topic, too. The question Javi asked could just as easily have been what or who do you build your life’s foundation on?

He’d told Javi that he wanted to talk about Blaine that weekend and Javi had asked Kurt if he had any videos of him and Blaine singing together. He did, why? he really didn’t know, but he’d kept a couple. Javi had asked if Kurt would mind if he watched them. He’d asked Javi if he could think about it and, of course, he’d told him to take all the time he needed. Finally, he decided there was no reason why Javi shouldn’t watch them, and again, his sense of fair play felt it was only right, since he had seen him singing with Antonio, revealing more intimacy on stage than either had ever intended. He told Javi he didn’t mind at all as long as Javi didn’t ask him to watch them with him, at least for now.

Javi was actually looking forward to the upcoming weekend’s discussion about Blaine. At least the guy finally had a name, that was progress. One evening when Kurt needed to do some studying and had stayed at the loft, he decided now was a good time to watch the videos Kurt had given him. Javi knew that they had met in high school when they’d both been in Glee Club. They’d been singing to and with each other for at least 4 or 5 years from Ohio to New York. He knew they’d done some musical theatre together and studied all kinds of disciplines at NYADA. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but it didn’t matter. He was trying to go into this with no expectations of them or himself. And he still had one more video of Kurt, too. He decided to watch Kurt and Blaine together first. If he watched one of Kurt alone he’d get all wrapped up in that and would have absolutely no objectivity left. Sort of like getting the work done first, so you could give yourself a treat later. He smiled at that, if Kurt was anything, he was certainly a treat!

He grabbed a Coke out of the fridge and a glass with some ice, then settled himself on the couch. The first one was labeled “Come What May, Moulin Rouge.” He didn’t think that Moulin Rouge had ever been performed on stage. As he watched he realized it wasn’t from a stage play, it was maybe something they’d done at NYADA? It was the best school in the US for the arts. They’d probably done some filming. From the moment Blaine walked on stage, he was mesmerized. Not only were they accomplished singers, but actors as well. The fine line between acting and reality was almost completely blurred. Their chemistry felt….visceral, palpable….it felt so intimate he had to force himself not to look away. This Kurt wore every emotion like a cloak, visible, not letting anything stand in the way of what he was feeling and pouring all those feelings into his acting.

Blaine was classically handsome and he held Kurt’s eyes with such expertise, but underneath there was more, much more. Kurt would probably say this is what he saw between Javi and Tonio, but there was a difference. Javi and Tonio usually had at least a stage and Rigo on guitar between them. It was rare when they were ever as close in proximity as these two on stage. When it was over he sat quietly for a while. He closed his eyes, reminding himself that what he’d watched was acting, very good acting, but there was no doubt in his mind that they had loved each other very much. In many ways, a stage was a stage was a stage. He poured his emotions into his music and his performance. He could be having a horrible day, but once he stepped onto that stage he had to become Javi, the Javi they wanted to see and hear. Whatever was going on in his life off stage he had to immerse himself in his persona to give his fans what they wanted and even needed, at times.

Once he felt he was ready for the next one, he looked at the label. “Love is a Battlefield,” hmmm…interesting. He got settled again and took a deep breath, then let it out. This appeared to be filmed, too, perhaps in one of their fencing classes. After he watched for a minute, he realized this too was some part of a musical. This was a Kurt that Javi had yet to see, a man angry. But emotionally very strong and determined. If he and Blaine were pouring their own anger and fear into this performance, he had to wonder what the cause might be. The hostility and tension? Again, they were excellent actors, and had he not known they were once a couple in reality, he probably wouldn’t be thinking this way. But he did know. And just watching their bodies moving was an experience. They were both physically beautiful men. Somehow, Blaine and Kurt managed to look like polar opposites while appearing to be meant for each other in every way. Again, he took some time to review in his mind what he’d seen.

It occurred to him that Kurt had chosen two videos that were also polar opposites, one revealing a fierce and passionate love scene, the other the wear and tear, the struggle, that all long-term relationships faced. He didn’t know how many of these Kurt had kept, but he wondered if these were the only two, why these in particular? And if he’d saved more, why were these the ones he’d chosen for Javi to watch? Well, he wasn’t going to get the answers tonight, if ever, so he set them aside for now. He would probably watch them again before the weekend.

He found the one he had left to watch that Kurt had given him of himself. “Le Jazz Hot!” From Victor/Victoria, he absolutely loved that. He’d saved this for last not even knowing what it was except Kurt performing. It appeared like he’d been doing this as an audition of some sort….and some of his friends from Glee Club were there, maybe? He had to watch it three times. It was so very perfect, not just the way Kurt interpreted it, but everything about it screamed Kurt! Again, he wondered how one person could carry so much talent with him and not even recognize it. He was a natural born performer! He radiated sex appeal; whether you were gay or straight his sex appeal would hold you hostage. Hot didn’t even begin to describe what he was seeing. He could take all of that raw talent and flair anywhere into any form of entertainment and beyond. And even though he knew what he was learning in school was helpful and might help him discover what his passion was, he needed no lessons. What Kurt had could not be taught. He had to wonder what would have happened had these two obviously talented men remained together. Sometimes when two highly creative people came together it was like stars colliding with a black hole, sort of like in the song. One ended up consuming the other and ultimately destroying each other.

It was Wednesday night, but the weekend still seemed so far away. And that last video had been like an aphrodisiac for him. All he wanted right now was to hold Kurt, to reignite the fire between them that never really died. It just smoldered until the next time they were together. Some of the inspired and even whimsical ways they’d discovered to express their physical desires was somewhere along a spectrum of feverishly hot to just plain fun. Kurt was forever calling Javi a tease, and he was, but Kurt knew how to turn him on, then leave him there biding his time until just the right moment to bring him plunging back to Earth. In this sense, Kurt was almost always totally aware of the what, when, where and how of what he was doing to Javi. It wasn’t very late yet. He grabbed his phone and texted Kurt, “Too busy for a game of tag????” A few seconds later Kurt texted back, “Hmm…depends on who’s it! “Call me” Javi smiled, “Call me” was code for “You’re it!”

“He waited a few minutes to build a little bit of suspense and maybe a bit of uncertainty, as if maybe he’d changed his mind. And he decided he’d wander back to his bedroom and get comfortable. As he laid down on the bed, he closed his eyes and felt the cool satin of the new comforter surround him. He unzipped his jeans and brought to mind a picture of himself hovering over Kurt suspended by his own powerful arms sans a stitch of clothing, completely ready for Kurt. This had become quite the game between them. One of them would describe a scenario when that person was “it.” Then, at some point in the future, the other would turn the tables, describing the same scenario, but always with a difference, sometimes very slight, others not so much, but never knowing when those tables might be turned.

Finally, he called Kurt and whispered, “Do you want me to count to a hundred?” Kurt laughed and said, “Oh, I think maybe twenty will do.” Slowly, Javi began counting, stopping every few numbers, to ask Kurt what he was thinking or feeling or imagining, just to get a feel for what direction to go in “the game.” When he reached 20, he asked, “Are you ready, mi amor?” “For you, my munchable Mexican, always…always…” Javi tried so hard not to laugh; Kurt was always coming up with these alliterative descriptions for him, but munchable??? Actually, he kind of liked that, he’d love to have Kurt munching on him right now.

“I’m lying on my new satin sheets, so cool and slippery. You’re lying next to me, your eyes closed, and ya know what? We REALLY need to get rid of some of this clothing. I love you in those jeans. They show me everything I need to know about the man inside them….well, everything I need to know right now. Oh my, mi Kurtito! It appears you’re getting a bit excited about something, hmmmm? I think I’ll just make you a bit more comfortable….you just don’t look very comfortable at all….there! And this underwear, such a terribly unnecessary piece of clothing…all gone. Hmmm….looks like you’re ready to be my plaything. I’m just going to pull my jeans down a bit…just enough to give you an idea of what might be hiding underneath them…we are playing hide and seek, right? I’m above you now because I can’t stand not being able to look into those eyes while I kiss you…what? You seem to be struggling a bit underneath me….why yes! I am restraining your hands a bit….sorry/not sorry. Okay, I’ll let you go just long enough for you to get rid of my jeans, they are getting a bit too tight for me….oh, thank you…of course, no underwear, you know I hate wearing….You want me to let go of your hands? But why, mi amor…I have you exactly where I want you…this way I can take you any way I want to and I know you want me to…take you, that is. And watching you struggling beneath me….it’s such a turn-on…My Kurtito, you have the most enticing body….teasing you….seducing you is almost wicked….but I’m hopelessly unable to control myself…you’re asking me to stop? But stop what? The touching? Holding you captive? Tasting your skin? Imagining the delicious tongue lashing I will give you….”

Javi could hear Kurt’s sighs, almost like whimpers, and as he listened, he was responding with his own until they were both quiet. Finally, Kurt said in a ragged voice, “My God, Javi! You drive me insane!” “Ah, my Kurtito, we creative types are all a little insane, and next time you’re it.”

They murmured in pillow talk for a few minutes and then finally hung up, as Javi rolled over, closed his eyes and allowed himself to slip into sleep.

COME WHAT MAY – KLAINE

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – KLAINE

LE JAZZ HOT – KURT HUMMEL

CHAPTER 37 – THE RAFTERS WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU’VE BEEN

After Javi had walked Kurt home Sunday evening, he decided to stop by The Rafters mostly to catch up on what was going on in the neighborhood. As he walked through the door, Rusty, the bartender shouted, “Well, Javi! We thought maybe you’d had an emergency tour or something!” and then laughed, “where have you been, amigo?”

Javi just smiled and asked for a vodka and cranberry juice, “So what’s new?” But Rusty wasn’t about to give it up, he was having way too much fun. When Javi was in town, they usually saw him two or three times a week. “What’s new? The fact that we haven’t seen you for over 2 weeks! And we know you’ve had some downtime. Nothing escapes us at The Rafters, you know that. In fact….,” Rusty stopped for a second, tilted his head and said, “pretty much no one’s seen you since you walked out of here with that hottie, the one that every guy in this place was trying so hard not to stare at the entire night? Quite polite, too, I hear…at least from the ones who tried to pick him up. Very gentlemanly about saying no. And let’s see, he has….I think the word was…bewitching? eyes. Oh, and a great sense of style?…something terribly crude like…a body to die for? Oh, and I almost forgot his hair????…..when you two left, well, let’s just say you and Mr. Perfect were ALL that was new in here and all the way into a few days after.” He could tell just looking at Javi’s face that his comments had hit the mark. Watching a Latinx blush was priceless!

Javi leaned over towards Rusty and spoke so only Rusty could hear and said, “You know I never, ever kiss and tell, my man, but yes we’ve been spending some time together and so you all can quit speaking of him only in reference to his looks, his name is Kurt, and there’s a couple of guys here who’ve met him.”

There were about 20 guys just chatting and listening to the music, when Rusty signaled for one of them to unplug the jukebox so he could call them all to attention. “Hey, everyone, we all know that Javi never kisses and tells, or so he says, but….” and started doing the sing-song thing, “Javi’s got a boyfriend, Javi’s got a boyfriend!” And everybody applauded and cheered. Javi just shook his head, stood up, took a small bow and said, “Yeah, yeah! I know you’ve all been waiting for a lifetime, as you remind me ALL…THE….TIME…to hear that, yes, I do have a boyfriend. His name is Kurt and he’s as wonderful, if not more so, as you all apparently described him in great detail, and now you can all go back to sharing any other gossip
there might be.” A few of them came up to the bar and shook his hand, hugged him and congratulated him. He understood. They, indeed, had been waiting what seemed even to him like a lifetime, and they knew what a big step this was for him.

He looked over at Rusty and bought a round for the house. He chatted for a while with Rusty and Dan, the other bartender on that night, said his good nights and started the walk home. He loved walking the streets of San Diego at night and tonight especially. He had such wonderful friends here, some more like family. And as always these days, his thoughts were never far from Kurt. He had a few connections here in modeling and entertainment, but he wasn’t going to do anything with them yet. Kurt had to give him more indication that he would even be interested than he had so far. He knew how important it was to choose wisely when determining your life’s work. And now, what
affected Kurt also affected him.

When he got home, he poured himself a glass of wine and a glass of water. He didn’t drink a lot, but, yes, he did know the importance of water. No matter what he was drinking, he almost always had water nearby. It was a habit he’d developed early on while living on the road.

He headed toward the living room, peeling off clothing along the way until all of the restrictions of wearing any kind of garment were removed. He grabbed the black velvet pillow, tossed it on the carpet and laid down, closing his eyes. He sighed, took a sip of wine and decided he didn’t want the past couple days to fade into memory just yet, although he doubted it would ever fade very much.

Kurt had completely and totally surprised him on Friday night when he took the initiative again. And what his obviously quick and spontaneous mind had thought of was truly remarkable and delightful and…oh, why lay here and try to label it? He had literally turned the tables on Javi…on them!

He was so adorable! He got up and raced Javi back down the hallway and said, “It’s my turn, right?” Javi nodded and laughed. He felt like he was playing tag and Kurt wanted to be “it.”

Kurt had literally clapped his hands and said, “Okay! I want you to go into the bedroom I just used and I’m going into yours….well, unless you don’t want me to.” Javi could hardly contain himself, this man was just so damn cute, muy lindo! “No, of course, I don’t mind. You’re in charge of Wonderland now. The Queen of Hearts has left the building, Kurt.”

So, Javi went into one bedroom and Kurt went into the other. A few minutes later he heard Kurt’s voice through the mini intercoms beside the bed. “What do you hear, Javi?” “Your voice?” he asked. “That’s right, my voice, and in order to play this game you have to do everything I ask without question. That’s the only rule.” Javi felt a shiver of delight, oh! this was going to be so much fun! Even if Kurt asked him to stand on his head in a corner, it was going to be so much fun! He looked toward the mirrors he had on one set of closets that faced the bed. The room was already huge, but the mirrors made him feel like it was a bit larger. He had them in every bedroom in the house. He’d never really thought of it much until now…and he smiled. He didn’t know what Kurt had in mind, but perhaps these mirrors would come in handy?

He heard Kurt’s voice again, very soft and sexy, “Please, lay down on that lovely silk comforter, Javi, and remember I was where you are a very…very short time ago. Take a slow breath…please. What is that scent?”

Javi closed his eyes and took a breath. He smelled sandalwood, Kurt’s favorite scent, and he could smell Kurt’s scent, unique to him only. He inhaled again and let his breath out slowly.

“Javi,” Kurt whispered, “I want you to imagine me doing exactly what you are doing, except I’m not laying on my back, I’m laying on my stomach…with absolutely nothing on.” Kurt waited a couple moments and then said, “I want you to luxuriate in the silk, sink into it and wallow in the way it feels, and remember I’m doing the same thing…..and I was exactly where you are right now not too long ago…,” his voice trailed off. Javi smiled again and did exactly
what Kurt had asked of him, Dios mi! He truly HAD encountered an angel with more than a touch of the devil in him! Silk had never felt soooo good and imagining Kurt not only doing this on the velvet, but imagining him doing this on the silk at the same time was hot as hell!!! “Oh! My, my, my, did I forget to use the word writhe? I do believe I did. Would you mind writhing, please? I want you to stretch…as slowly as you like, of course, until you are lying there arms and legs spread eagle? Please, just for me? Mi Javi…this feels sooooo good,” he heard Kurt’s voice, almost like he was whispering in his ear. They both took their time, thoroughly enjoying all the sensations and smells, letting their imaginations take them to a place where they were in each other’s arms, one totally lost in the other.

“Are you ready for me, my luscious Latinx? If so, would you please reach for that oil that smells like sandalwood….kind of like me? I promise I’ll do the same…just for you…I promise….ah, there you are, Sauvage…”

Now, remember I’m laying on my stomach….well, until just a minute ago I was….I had to raise myself up on both arms and legs for a moment……now, imagine that I am hovering over your body without a single stitch of clothing, nothing separates our bodies but air and space…..Javi, I am ready for you in every way…and I’m imagining you…looking up at me, begging me to make love to you…but before we
take that step, I want you to use the oil in your hand, imagining I am you and you are me…take your time and just imagine…., He could hear Kurt breathing, “please, please, touch me, Javi….take all of me into your hand and I will do exactly the same thing….almost….oh! we are both so hard, so ready, so eager…we’ve never been this far before….I want you so very much…..but I’m begging you to stop before…it’s…too….late… please stop….please, Javi..” and then all they could hear were the sounds of each other coming, uttering words that made no sense except to those in ecstasy, losing all control, each falling to the bed,
stunned senseless as they finally relaxed. Javi had no idea how much time had passed until he heard Kurt’s voice breathing his name, “Javier. Ramos. Ruiz,” in that way that had become Kurt’s way of telling him that he not only wanted his persona, but the person inside as well. “I’ll meet you in the media room whenever you’re ready where I will…besarte y abrazarte y tocarte (kiss you and hug you and touch you)…again until you beg me to stop.” And then Kurt’s voice was gone.

Javi stared at the ceiling still trying to come to his senses. He was shocked and pleased and a million other emotions he couldn’t contain. He had absolutely not expected that! He couldn’t help but wonder where Kurt had acquired THAT kind of expertise. From what little he’d said about past relationships, he knew he was completely heartbroken over the last one. He didn’t get the sense that Kurt had had more than a couple partners. He was too cautious with his feelings….well, until he let them have free rein. It would be interesting when he felt he could finally tell Javi about that part of his life, but until then this marvelous man was waiting for him…just him.

As Javi’s mind came back to the present, he sighed, so very content. He had no clue what the future held. All he knew was that this weekend had been as close to perfect as he could ever ask. They’d had some down-to-earth conversations, they’d enjoyed each others company and bodies. Not many would believe that he was completely sexually satisfied right now. Not many really understood what a complete romantic relationship really should be. He had Antonio, and strangely enough, Tonio’s parents to thank for that gift.

He sighed again, finished his wine, ready for sleep, and began the process of preparing for the week ahead.

CHAPTER 35 – WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

As he walked toward the media room, the entire house was still bathed in the soft lighting causing Kurt to feel like he was wrapped in a cocoon of….he thought for a minute, and the only way to describe the feeling was home. He put the thought aside, not sure how ready he was for that idea. He could hear what sounded like melodic chanting.

The walls and ceiling of the room were awash with what looked like stars and when Javi heard Kurt enter the room, he turned his head and smiled, beckoning him to join him on the couch. As Kurt got comfortable, Javi reached over and ruffled his damp hair. “Kurt, you look like an innocent little boy! But, of course, we both know from experience that you are absolutely no such thing. Maybe an angel with a bit of the devil mixed in?” Kurt slid over to rest his head on Javi’s shoulder and Javi reached around him, turning his face to give him a soft lingering kiss. When he opened his eyes, Kurt’s were still closed revealing his long, thick eyelashes and he kissed each of them, too. “Mi Kurtito, you have no idea how beautiful you are….” Kurt slowly opened his eyes, the color so deep blue, almost black, “Javi….I….I….,” he looked down at his lap, then raised his eyes again and said, “No one has ever created and fulfilled a fantasy for me like you did tonight…” “Tell me what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking right now, mi amor,” Javi whispered.

As Kurt leaned back on the couch, his head still on Javi’s shoulder, it took him a while to find words to describe his most intimate thoughts. “I feel….content….satisfied.. drained?….almost like we were in the same room together, no walls separating us…Mi corazon, I am so, so in love with you, but I know that truly loving someone and being in love are not the same thing. They may intertwine, but they are not the same. When you’ve talked about knowing each other from the inside out, and accepting what is in the other, that is loving someone. But, right now, being in love with you and only wanting more is where I am.”

Kurt felt Javi nod, “Yes, you have described what we have and what we hope to have perfectly, you are not only beautiful but very perceptive, mi amor. And I am deeply, passionately in love with you. There is no hurry to move beyond that. As you say, they are intertwined. We can learn about each other in a variety of ways simultaneously, true?” Kurt looked up at Javi and kissed his ear and his neck and rested his head again.

“And I love what I learned tonight….Javi, you are more attentive and creative than anyone I’ve ever known. You’re probably the most sensual man I’ve ever met. Thank you….that’s all I can say is thank you…” his voice trailed off. They held each other, absorbing the caress of the music and their hearts touching silently.

As Kurt came back to the moment, he asked, “The music, what is it? It’s so calming and inspiring is the only word I can think of.” Javi said, eyes closed, “It’s a Gregorian chant. What some might call church music, but it’s far deeper than that. Do you like it?”

“Yes, it’s haunting and kind of mystical???” He still couldn’t quite define the sound, just like he couldn’t quite define this whole night. Maybe neither needed a definition. “That it is, mi amigo. I grew up with it. It was my favorite part of worship services. That, and singing in the choir.”

Javi glanced over at Kurt, and glanced at the clock. “It’s past midnight. You must be tired. Shall we call it a night?” He wanted plenty of time for where this conversation was leading, but Kurt said, “Well, unless you’re ready to call it a night, I’m fine.” Javi nodded and Kurt curled himself back into the warmth of Javi’s body.

Javi picked up where they had left off, “I’m going to ask you something. If you prefer not to discuss it right now please say so. We have taken each other along many paths tonight, our senses and feelings are sated.”

Kurt smiled up at him and said, “What do you want to know, mi corazoncito?” He was a bit proud of himself as he practiced his Spanish on Javi

Javi smiled at the sweet way he had called him, “my tiny heart.” “Exactly, Kurt. Your heart, what do you believe in your heart?” Kurt was confused, “What do I believe about what?”

“What or who do you put your faith in? Who do you entrust with your life? What are your beliefs about where you came from and where you’re going in life?”

“Are you asking me if I believe in god?” “No! No! No! I’m asking what you believe about God or whatever you want to call what some call a higher power? Or do you trust in yourself or someone or something else?” Kurt was silent. He’d been asked this question before, but had never really thought about it much. He usually gave a sort of off-hand comment about finding his own truth or something equally vague. But this was different. Javi wanted a serious answer and he was again at a loss for words…seemed to be the night for that.

Finally, Javi said, “Would you like me to answer those questions about myself? It might help you. It is right for you to be at a loss for words because God or a god should bring us to silence. To try to define such a being is a very sobering task. Now, would you like to wait for another time?”

“No, Javi, I want to hear what you have to say. I have no place to be except with you. I’ve been waiting all week to be right where I am, with you. Getting to know all of you….there’s nothing else I want, so please continue.”

“Well…..,” Javi started and then stopped, “Stop me if you have questions, okay?” Kurt gave him a slight nod. “You know I grew up in the church, except in Mexico, the predominant church is Catholic. I was raised in what those in Mexico refer to as the Christian Church, with capital cs. To be raised outside the Catholic Church, at least in Quintana Roo…it wasn’t just a religious distinction, but a social one. Now that I’m older I realize that distinction is not really about God, it’s about making God manageable for us. It’s sort of like a doll house where you move people and things around to fit where you want them. I know it can be very confusing. But who I put my faith in, who I believe created me and guides my life, has nothing to do with making God manageable. It’s not about religious activities or reading certain books or singing certain songs or even attending church. All of these things can be important and beneficial to a person’s spiritual health, but none of those things are God.

Growing up in the Christian Church, at least the one my family attended, was steeped in rules about how to live our lives, and yes, those are beneficial, too….it’s so hard to put God into words. You see what I mean? Lots of people want to make it easier by applying their own humanity to God. Define Him in human terms and all you have is a CEO who micromanages the world. No, no! That is not God.

Javi grew quiet, and Kurt could see he was struggling, but he just waited. Javi sighed, “This is who God is to me. I call God He only because that’s what I was raised with, but God has no gender, he’s other, not human. He created me and, I believe, He creates everyone….and for a purpose or maybe many purposes, but He didn’t just toss me or anyone else into the world to sink or swim. I know the difference between right and wrong, although again, humans absolutely love to tell others what they should or shouldn’t be doing, and use all kinds of things to back up their judgments, and then say it’s God’s will or whatever you happen to call God.”

He took a deep breath. “This may sound strange, but for me, God is sort of like my ultimate life’s companion. I believe He is perfect and loving and wants what’s best for me in a world that says that’s what it wants for me, but for the most part only wants what they think is best for them, and then applies it to me and others. At least, that’s how it feels.”

“My family would claim to love me and want what’s best for me above all else….yet, they cut me out of their lives simply for choosing to do what I love, because they don’t approve. Even if the rest never speak to me or of me in public, I still have a sister who maintains contact when she can. Although they never say it and would absolutely deny it, she says they have to know I’m gay. Quintana Roo is not on another planet; what I’m doing with my life trickles back to them whether they like it or not. And even though I’m not officially out in Mexico, people only see what they want to see. Like I said before, as long as I am a productive commodity, those that govern Mexico will keep their silence.”

“They claim to believe in God, and yet act nothing like the God they believe in, at least towards me, and anyone else they might disapprove of. The God I know in here,” Javi put his hand over his heart, “does not create people and then throw them away. God does not hate me because I’m gay; gay is what He made me. He gave me the ability to choose my own path and whether that path is right or wrong to the world, He never deserts me or stops loving me.”

“I can’t explain how or why I know this. I can’t tell you why the world is the way it is or why there is so much pain, but I do know in whom and what I believe.”

“And part of that belief is music like this. Church attendance gave me this kind of music. At times, it has given me a family when my own had rejected me. It’s music I grew up with, that fueled and sustained my love of music, that created what I believe is my destiny.”

And then he was quiet. Wow! that was Kurt’s first reaction. Now, he understood what Javi had meant when he said they had to start at the beginning. For Javi, his faith in God was where he began and ended as a person. Kurt had no such certainty that he was aware of. So, he decided to ask some questions.

That steady gaze held Kurt’s, as Kurt said, “I don’t have that kind of certainty, Javi. It’s not something I’ve thought about seriously or very often. Church attendance for me was mostly weddings and funerals, and a few times I went with friends. So, give me some time to think about that before I answer. But, I do have some questions.”

Javi was completely silent…and intense, which Kurt hadn’t seen a lot of. “I’m basing this question on what I’ve lived, I guess. In Ohio, I must have heard the same 20 Bible verses quoted to me on both sides of the fence about being gay. And every person basically told me that what they believed was “the truth.” He put in air quotes. No one seemed to be able to give me a satisfactory answer to how you could have two or three versions of the truth in one book that’s supposed to be the complete and ultimate truth.”

Javi sort of smiled and shook his head, “I know what you’re saying. Try being part of that same group, hearing the same thing you were hearing, while questioning your own sexuality. Kurt, I don’t know that this is a very satisfying answer, but much of the Bible, especially the Old Testament is history, and those that wrote that history were writing from oral accounts from who knows how far back in time. Many Christians will tell you that the Bible is infallible, but as you say, if it is, how can you have so many versions of the ultimate truth? This is what I think. Humans were involved in the encounters they described as being with God; humans told the stories; humans wrote the stories. Do I believe God speaks, yes, I do, but that’s for another time. Any time you talk about people and God, no matter what you believe in, you’re going to have contradictions. That question drove me crazy for most of my teen years for the same reason it drove you crazy. The only difference was I couldn’t have a serious discussion about my sexual identity with anybody. Meeting Tonio helped a lot, but I don’t have all the answers or any of them sometimes.”

Kurt nodded, and found that in a way it was a satisfying answer. It told him that Javi was trying to be honest with him and with himself. He hadn’t planned on asking this question, but since he’d brought up Antonio, he decided to ask, “If you don’t want to answer this, it’s fine, but what did Antonio believe?” Javi laughed out loud. “Oh, mi precioso amor (my precious love), you can always make me smile! Hmmm, Tonio…well, he was raised Catholic, but his family was an exception to almost every rule I can think of. They had very strong faith, but they didn’t let anyone tell them what to think or how to act, and if someone did, they usually wished they hadn’t. Tonio believed that God was everywhere, which is why I think he lived his life so freely. He didn’t talk about God in terms of any religion, but he would be the first one to tell me if I could ask him that it was his own recklessness that took his life, not God playing with him, as some of our friends said. We had many exciting discussions about our faith, but we never interfered with what the other believed. That was Tonio, and someday I will tell you the story of his family as well, but not tonight…or this morning. Any more questions?”

Kurt said, “Not for now. I need to think about what you asked of me and what you’ve told me.”

Javi’s laughter broke the serious mood and he gathered Kurt up in his arms and kissed him with such passion he was sure he’d died himself and gone to….well, wherever god was. When Javi released him from the embrace, he stretched out on the couch laying his head in Javi’s lap. “Well, I do have one other question, What would God think of what we’ve done tonight?” Javi thought a minute and, yes, it was a legitimate question considering the taboos he and Kurt had lived with all their lives. He played with Kurt’s hair for a while and then said, “I honestly think God would be quite pleased! I’m pretty sure he had something to do with creating all that pleasure and joy! Don’t know that any of those people that like to spend their time quoting verses to us would agree, but I think God had everything to do with creating sex, in all of it’s wonderful forms, mi Kurtito!” And as he leaned down to kiss Kurt again, Kurt said, “Good! I think we should try it again, just to make him happy!” Javi tossed Kurt off his lap to the floor, laughing again, and Kurt laughed too, “Except this time I get to be the teacher!”

“Didn’t someone write a song…oh, yeah! I’m Hot for Teacher! There’s a lot of truth to that!” and Javi allowed himself to be pulled to the floor with Kurt.

CHAPTER 33/34 – VISITING WONDERLAND

Javi quietly watched Kurt as they each drew circles and figure-eights on each other’s body, every facial expression, every muscle movement, the rise and fall of his exquisite chest….he extended his hand and lightly ran his fingers through the downy hair nestled over his breastbone, then tugged on it just enough for Kurt to open his eyes. He slowly leaned over Kurt and kissed each nipple, hearing Kurt’s slight gasp. Unconsciously slipping into Spanish rhythms of speech he murmured, “You are ready, no? Oh, mi amorcito (my sweetheart)….” Kurt’s eyes silently said what his voice could not and he nodded.

Javi reached for Kurt’s hand, they rose to their feet and Javi said, “Follow me.” Javi had placed Kurt’s bag and satchel in the hallway that connected the four bedrooms. He looked sideways at Kurt and pointed to one of the doors, “This room is mine. You may choose any one of the others. It is yours for as long as you want it.” Kurt smiled inwardly; he felt a bit like Goldilocks. At least that broke some of the current of tension for him. He chose the one next to Javi’s and picked up his bags, setting them down beside the door. He turned to Javi and kissed him thoroughly, then whispered, “You know you drive me crazy, Javi…” to which Javi replied, “Y tu me vuelves loco tambien” repeating Kurt’s words back to him. “And perhaps before this night is over, we will both be helplessly, totally insane…”

“I’ll be in the media room later if you want to join me.” He opened the door to his bedroom and closed it quietly behind him. Kurt picked up his bags again and opened the door. He was immediately surrounded by the slightest aroma of sandalwood. A few small lamps gave the room a warm feeling providing just enough light; hmmm, good feng shui. Kurt had to laugh at himself. Really, Kurt???? He set his things on the floor and sat down on the queen size bed. As he placed his hands behind him, he thought, “A silk duvet?…” And sheets! he noted, looking at the pillows. On each nightstand was what looked sort of like a baby monitor….a two-way baby monitor. The room had an en suite bathroom as well. As Kurt continued to take in the room, he undid his belt, removed his jeans and boxers and laid down on the bed, sinking into the down comforter. At first he thought he might leave his underwear on, but the thought of lying nude on silk was just too enticing. Two of Javi’s shirts, one long-sleeved and one short lay on the pillow next to him along with one of his hats. Javi had asked for Kurt’s clothing earlier in the evening. There were two medium-sized pieces of fabric on the bed under the pillow, one blue silk and one red velvet, just like the pillows in the living room. Resting on the nightstand was an uncorked bottle of Kurt’s favorite wine and a goblet. Photos of Javi large and small were strategically placed around the room, something else that Javi had asked for earlier. There was nothing that the man hadn’t thought of.

Kurt startled a bit when he heard Javi’s voice from either side of the bed, realizing what the monitors were for. Oh my God! Was this really happening??? To him??? Javi in stereo said in his softest voice, “Are you comfortable, mi Kurtito?” To which he replied, “Yes…but I sort of feel like Alice when she arrived in Wonderland.” Javi laughed. “Oh, you have no idea what Wonderland can be like. This will be nothing like Alice’s adventures I can assure you.”

Javi whispered, “So, where are you, what are you doing, what are you wearing?” Kurt thought for a minute and replied, “I’m lying on a bed of down and silk trying to take all of this in. You left nothing to chance did you? I’m Javi gazing, enjoying all the photos of you, exploring every inch of your body with my eyes. In fact, I just picked one of them up. The one of you sitting on the side of the pool in sunglasses wearing next to nothing. Do you know what just looking at you does to me? And what I’m wearing is nothing,” Kurt was really getting into this, “unless you count my earring.”

“Oh, yes, mi amor, I can be quite el hombre travieso…um, the mischievous man.” This time Kurt laughed. He was finally relaxing. He turned his head towards Javi’s voice and asked, “So what about you? I want every detail, Javi…” Wow! Javi was a bit taken aback and delighted by that!

“Ah, before this night is over, you will have every detail. I want you to close your eyes while I describe everything to you, mi Kurtito. I’m propped against the headboard of a bed covered in black velvet from top to bottom to match those curls you love to touch. And now that I have your full attention, I’m removing my red bikinis. Oh, yes, much better…I hate wearing underwear by the way…yes, nothing on but a tiny earring. I’m closing my eyes and imagining your gorgeous body on a bed of red silk, sliding your hand down the silk reaching for the part of your body that you wish was in my hand, as I do the same here…only a few inches of wall divide you and me. Hmmm….let’s try that, shall we? We’re both longing for our hands to be the others; it’s like an ache…..” Kurt closed his eyes and did as Javi had described, already so hard it really was like an ache… “Then, you remember the perfume bottle of oil on the nightstand. You open your eyes for just a moment to pour some of the oil into your hand. You drink in the scent…what do you smell, mi amor?” Kurt realized he was holding his breath. He let it out slowly and brought the oil up close enough to catch the scent of Sauvage. “Sauvage….it smells like you…wild like you….” “And mine smells like sandalwood…..like you, sweet and smooth and warm, a bit exotic….” “Is the oil warm enough?” At first Kurt nodded his head and then realized what he was doing, and simply said, “Yes, it’s very warm, not…quite…hot, though, mi corazon (my heart).” Javi was quiet for a moment and then murmured, “Choose one of the squares of fabric beside you. I am choosing the silk because I want to know what this feels like for you. Choose one and tell me what it is.” Kurt decided to follow suit and picked up the velvet. “The velvet…I want to feel what this has felt like for you.” “I’m pretty sure you know how to use the oil, but just in case you don’t…” he teased, “I want you to stroke it very slowly over your pene y cojones (penis and balls)…I’m not one for silly or vulgar names for the human anatomy, but as you say it sounds better in Spanish.” He chuckled a bit. “I am doing the same, taking in the smell….watching you in my mind, as your hand moves in rhythm with your body….and my body.” He was quiet for a moment allowing them both to enjoy what they were picturing, what they were feeling, the scents…and yes, the sounds, their sounds…” Lost in the complete and utter erotica of themselves and each other, time dissolved. Javi whispered ever so softly, “the velvet…take it into your hand and continue….just continue…” his voice fading into the sounds of ecstasy, the breathing, the moans, the exclamations of what experiencing this with Kurt was doing to him….Kurt was so taken up in the experience that when he finally came it felt like he was free-falling back to the softness of the bed, the room around him slowly taking shape. As he lay there almost gasping for air, all he could say was, “Oh, my god!!!” As he slowly reoriented himself, he heard Javi moving on the bed in the next room. He was sitting up against the headboard again, slightly out of breath himself. As his breathing slowed, he spoke to Kurt again, saying. “Do you still feel like Alice, mi amor?” with a smile in his voice. Kurt could not say anything that made any sense to him. His mind and his body had just returned from a place he had never experienced with anyone. Finally, he took a deep breath and then let it out, “Not Alice….but definitely a different realm of Wonderland that I’ve never read about.” Javi laughed, “Oh, how you make me smile, me pequeno amor (my little love).”

“Take all the time you need; I’ll be in the media room in a little bit, or you can stay where you are if you like.” Kurt told him he would meet him and Javi asked him to bring the wine and his glass with him. And then Javi’s voice was gone. Kurt closed his eyes, lost in all that had just transpired. He still wasn’t thinking clearly. Was he missing something? Nothing like this had ever been suggested to him by any of his friends, not something he’d ever found online, although that wasn’t his favorite way of gathering info. Surely, the imagination that had woven together such a scenario was not exclusive to Latinxs or any other culture. He couldn’t think of a single friend who thought like this. For them, masturbation was a means to an end, relieve the sexual tension and get on with your day. Had they been hiding it? Who would want to hide something like this? Still not believing what he had experienced, he finally got up and decided to take a shower.

The bathroom was similar to the bedroom in that the lighting was low and the scent of sandalwood lingered in the air. He grabbed what he needed from his overnight bag, his body wash, his shampoo, and stood under the cascading shower as his body relaxed. He let his mind go, thinking of nothing, enjoying all of the sensations that apparently he had taken for granted all this time. As he stepped out of the shower, he noticed a robe lying on a small chair. Yes, Javi really had thought of everything.

He toweled off, letting his damp hair fall over his forehead, not wanting to bother with it. As he looked in the mirror, he saw someone he’d forgotten existed. Kurt Hummel, relaxed, content, alive.

He found a clean pair of underwear, wrapped himself in the robe, took one more look in the mirror, looked around the room and sighed. He opened the door to find a yellow rose lying by the door with a note that said, “You are all I ever want, mi amor.” He picked up the rose, slipped the note in the pocket of the robe, and went to join Javi.

Chapter 32 – FIVE SENSES AND MORE

In Kurt’s mind, the evening could not have gone better so far. He was discovering that a taxi was the easiest way to get around San Diego, unless you had long commutes to work or school. It depended on the area of the city you lived in, but for now neither he nor Adam had to bother with a car. Javi owned one, but rarely drove it.

When the taxi arrived, Kurt stepped out of the foyer of the building and Javi got out to open the car door for him. Had anyone ever done that for him?, he wondered. Kurt didn’t notice but Javi was stunned into silence by Kurt as he walked from the building. My God! He looked like he was getting ready for a photo shoot. And watching him walk toward him was like standing at the end of the runway. He actually had to try not to stare. What had he done to deserve this Adonis of a man? Whatever it was he hoped he’d never have to do it again. Kurt was far more than he had ever bargained for and having more than one of him in a lifetime….he wasn’t sure all of him could handle it.

Once they arrived at the restaurant, Full Moon, were seated and had ordered, Javi leaned over the table and said, “Kurt! You look fabulous! Have you ever considered working as a model?” Kurt could tell that the question was not rhetorical, he looked down at his lap, blushing, and then turned his attention back to Javi, “Well, I did some modeling in New York, but nothing serious. It helped pay the bills.” He shrugged as if this were something that anybody could do for a living. Javi smiled and said, “You could easily do that here. You might have to travel to LA once in a while, but if you’re interested I can look into it. Seriously, you have everything it takes.”

They spent the next two hours talking about how things had gone in LA, enjoying one of the most delicious meals Kurt could ever remember having. They had decided beforehand to forego wine. Javi had simply said, “I don’t want alcohol to interfere with our senses, unless we want something later,” he looked up at Kurt as he took a drink from his sparkling water with a mischievous grin. Kurt felt that stab of electricity hit his body so quickly he almost gasped. This man was going to drive him crazy! And then he thought, “Oh, please, let’s hope so….”

When they’d run out of conversation and food, Javi called a cab again. Something Javi hadn’t thought of was what he’d asked Kurt to bring with him, that he’d need to bring it with him beforehand, so they stopped by Kurt’s and then went back to Javi’s house. Kurt had brought extra clothes and the necessary toiletries, which in Kurt’s case could be quite extensive, if he wanted to spend the night. Javi told him he was totally free to stay or go. He didn’t want to put any pressure on Kurt and he told him so. Kurt said he was quite comfortable with that, and he really was.

When they arrived at Javi’s home, as Javi was taking care of the cab fare, he noticed that the windows revealed a soft glow, maybe candles? No, he couldn’t see Javi leaving a houseful of burning candles for any length of time, but whatever he’d done it was very inviting. They walked to the door and Javi took Kurt’s fingers into his. They hadn’t touched all night, apparently by design he realized, because just like the first time Javi had held his fingers like this, the spark that had become Javi travelled up each arm. He wanted to draw him close, so close….but he knew this was one time he really did need to follow the lead of this captivating man who held him spellbound. He was heading into uncharted territory and it was always best to follow the one who knew the lay of the land.

Javi unlocked the door and without saying a word led Kurt into the living room, where Kurt literally dropped his overnight bag and satchel, along with his jaw. Every window had a flameless candle on the sill. He could smell the faint scent of roses. On the dining room table there was a cut crystal vase with at least a dozen of the palest yellow roses he’d ever seen, his favorite. The light from the candles was just bright enough to create a calming atmosphere. He could hear the soft sound of rain….or a waterfall? He wasn’t sure it had rained since they’d arrived in San Diego, and it was something he suddenly realized he’d missed. Sight, smell, sound – three of the five senses. That left two – taste and touch.

Kurt turned to Javi and just stared….”How could you know about the rain? I…..I didn’t even realize I missed it until just now!” Javi looked back at him with a crooked smile and shrugged his shoulders. Without saying a word he led Kurt further into the living room. On each arm of the couch was a new, oversized, cushy pillow – one was covered in red velvet, the other in blue silk, big enough to rest your head on or sit on the floor with. He looked over at Javi as if asking what he should do next. Javi said, “The couch, the floor, one of the chairs….wherever you feel most comfortable. Kurt was still in a daze…so he sat on the couch, just to sit down somewhere. On the round coffee table, that could actually serve as a dining table if you sat on the floor, were three bowls; one held fresh grapes, tangelo slices, as well as slices of apricot. Again, Kurt looked up at Javi, questioning, “How did you know…about the grapes and…” Javi gave him that mysterious smile…and didn’t say a word.

Before he sat down, Javi removed his coat and hat, took Kurt’s and set them on a chair in the dining room. Finally, Javi took a seat next to Kurt, quietly took his hand again, not his fingertips, his hand, and sighed. “I am so glad to be home again. Discovering you has given me a sense of peace I have not felt for a very, very long time, mi querido (my dear) Kurtito.” Kurt laid his head on Javi’s shoulder, he closed his eyes and spoke in a low voice saying, “Y eres todo lo que he estado esperando y asustado, pero ya no tengo miedo, mi corazón.” It had taken him almost a week of practice to learn how to say what was deep inside him, “And you are everything I’ve been waiting for and afraid of, but I’m not afraid anymore, my heart.” He had hoped he’d get an opportunity to say it tonight. “Kurtito, you’ve been practicing Spanish?” Kurt smiled and said, “Well, it started out with how to say friend, boyfriend, sweetheart, darling….but it sounds so much lovelier in Spanish.” Javi turned his head and kissed Kurt’s hair. It smelled of sandalwood and vanilla. After they’d rested peacefully on the couch for a time, Javi turned to Kurt and asked a bit tentatively, “So, mi amor, are you ready to start our adventure?” Kurt smiled, knowing he was as ready as he ever would be, and simply nodded.

Javi said, “Did you bring extra clothes? Would you like to get more comfortable?” Fortunately, Kurt had brought along a couple of outfits, some jeans, some T-shirts, so they both decided to change, but Javi told him to use one of the bathrooms, not any of the bedrooms. When they’d both changed into jeans and T-shirts, Javi patted the couch and kissed Kurt ever so lightly on the nose and both cheeks, then held his eyes for a long moment, “And so we begin…”

When Javi had gotten up to change, he’d brought a pitcher of water with lemon and some ice with him, along with two goblets….now this was different, goblets to drink just water? He saw Kurt’s look and knew what he was thinking. “Water is what keeps us physically alive above all else. It should be celebrated!” He poured water into each goblet, set them on stone coasters, and reached for a grape, just a single grape. He turned to Kurt so they were facing each other. As he picked up the grape he said, “I want you to notice the feel, the sight, the smell…” He handed the grape to Kurt and Kurt did as he was asked. When he was done he handed the grape back to Javi and he did the same thing, closing his eyes. When he opened them, he drew Kurt towards him just touching his shoulders, and whispered, “Besame (kiss me)….Kurt,” not quite staccato but very deliberate. Javi placed the grape between his teeth. Kurt took the other half of the grape into his mouth as his lips lightly touched Javi’s. At that very moment, Javi bit down on the grape, placed each of his hands on each side of Kurt’s face, and as the grape separated into their mouths, he moved the tip of his tongue to the roof of Kurt’s mouth, sending yet another electric jolt through Kurt’s body, both of them moving the grape halves, back and forth between each other’s mouths, the taste made sweeter by the joining of this part of their body, Kurt reaching for Javi’s cheeks and drawing Javi to him to deepen the kiss. Finally, Javi slowly withdrew his lips, raising steady brown eyes to Kurt’s, and saying, “Now, finish the grape, Kurt.”

Kurt wasn’t sure he could breathe, much less finish eating the grape, but somehow he did. Javi handed him the water goblet and asked if he knew what it meant to “cleanse his palate.” He nodded, as they both used the water to remove the taste of the grape.

Then, Javi turned to Kurt and softly smiled, “A slice of the apricot, please, mi amor.” Kurt picked up the slice of apricot and Javi said, “Now, it is your turn.” As Javi quietly waited, Kurt handed the sliver of apricot to Javi, and they each repeated using their senses to explore the apricot. After they were done, Kurt took half of the piece of fruit between his teeth, raised his own crystalline eyes to Javi’s, looked deeply into Javi’s eyes, moved next to Javi so that their bodies were touching each other somewhere, except for their lips. He placed his forehead against Javi’s, whispered “Besame con pasion (kiss me with passion)….Javier. Ramos. Ruiz.” But instead of putting the bit of apricot between his teeth, he kissed the sensitive skin beneath Javi’s chin and face, moving down the slope of his neck as Javi leaned his head back and sighed. When Kurt had reached the hollow at the base of his neck, he stopped and placed half of the bit of apricot into his mouth, draped his arms around Javi’s neck, moved his lips to Javi’s and with eyes closed, Javi took his half of the apricot, as Kurt bit down on it and held their lips closed for just a moment, long enough to taste the juice on their lips, then nudged Javi’s lips apart, grasping his tongue with his lips and slowly drawing Javi’s tongue between his lips and into his mouth, moving the bits of apricot. When he was sure Javi couldn’t stand another minute, he slowly released his tongue, returned his forehead to lean against Javi’s and smiled….”Now, Javi, finish the apricot.” Javi could barely think, what had just happened????? He always expected a bit of challenge from Kurt…but that had been more than a simple challenge. Kurt may not have ever experienced what they were attempting tonight, but his approach had felt almost like an act of defiance….and he liked it! No! He loved it!

Javi fell back on the couch and with a ragged breath said, “Dios mi (my God), Kurt! Not only are you, like you said, a fast learner, but a good teacher! I don’t know where that came from, but I’ll take more anytime…except tonight…well, we’ll see…” He took a breath and tried to compose himself. Kurt sat quietly watching him, but Javi could tell he was pleased with himself; his eyes were laughing.

“Mi amor, please go pick out two roses from the vase,” Kurt did as Javi had asked and returned to the living room. Javi was glad he’d remember to get roses without thorns. Sometimes, the thorns could be fun, too, but not tonight. Then he asked Kurt to take the blue silk pillow and he reached for the red velvet one. He instructed Kurt to lay on his stomach and place the pillow under his chest so he was leaning against it with both arms. He asked Kurt if he was comfortable taking off his T-shirt. Kurt reached to take his off as Javi did the same. This was the first time either had seen the other without a shirt, except in photos, and that in itself was a turn-on. Javi planned on going no further that night as far as removing clothing was concerned, but he wanted to engage the sense of touch again, using the roses and the pillows. Kurt laid on the pillow in the same position he’d been in. He instructed Kurt to lay his head on the pillow lying on his side so he could feel the silk against his face and upper body. Javi sat down on the floor with Kurt’s back towards him. He handed the rose to Kurt and asked him to smell it as deeply or as lightly as he liked and then to close his eyes. Kurt did as Javi had asked again and slowly Javi began to run the rosebud across his back, his arms, and his neck, then asked Kurt to roll over onto his back and hold the silk of the pillow against his chest. He asked him to explore the pillow with his fingers, to rub his hands across the fabric until he could picture how the silk felt in his mind. Kurt wasn’t sure what he meant, but as he moved his fingers and hands over the pillow, he could actually see in his mind what Javi had intended. The blue was so bright and the fabric so soft….he couldn’t have described the image if he tried, but it was there and he “felt” it. Javi asked him to open his eyes again and to duplicate the exercise with Javi as the recipient.

As he lightly slid the rose over Javi’s back, part of him was mesmerized by the musculature, his cafe au lait skin, his breathing and the scent of the rose, all coming together into a collision of visual and aromatic and he closed his own eyes to savor it.

Finally, Javi took both pillows, laid them on the floor between them, and sitting yoga style, they both moved their hands and fingers over the pillows until an image was again “fixed” in their minds. Javi slowly removed the pillows from between them, rose to his knees and raised Kurt up until he was in the same position.

He instructed Kurt to open his eyes, and told Kurt he was going to tell him what he saw. “I see a man with the face of an angel. I see what I call kaleidoscope eyes, your eyes change color with each flicker of light. I see the most beautiful dark ginger hair that I could run my fingers through every minute of every day and never get tired of doing it. That is what I see. This is who I see. I see someone with a mind that can take flight and move beyond the earthly realms into worlds that no one has imagined. I see a heart begging to be healed and loved and wanting to give back so much more than he wants to take. That is the Kurt I see. Now, mi Kurtito, tell me what you see.”

Kurt looked back at Javi and with the most earnest expression Javi believed he had ever seen, Kurt said, “I see a man with skin the color and taste of caramel and eyes to match. I see and feel hair so dark and soft and touchable, I can hardly stop myself from reaching for it most of the time I am with him. I see a smile as wide as the sky and just as beautiful. Kissable lips that can be as soft or as demanding as anyone could wish for, that drive me crazy. That is what I see, Javi. This is who I see. A man as much in need of healing and love as me. A man who would go to the ends of the earth to give someone what they wanted or needed. I see a man of endless creativity that permeates not just his mind, but every corner of his being. That is the man I see.”

As they went quiet for a while, the sound of rain surrounded them, the scent of roses arose from where they lay on the pillows beside them.

Javi again drew Kurt towards him, as he grabbed both pillows, placed the silk by Kurt, the velvet by him and said, “Put your head on the pillow.” As they lay down face to face, heads resting on the pillows, they didn’t have to say anything. They reached for each other and with lips and mouths once again tasting each other, they explored each others’ chest and back, almost lazily, knowing that at least for now time was on their side and the evening had just begun.

CHAPTER 31 – INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS

Javi had spent the time he was away not only to put what he hoped were the finishing touches on the latest song; in his downtime, he had written the rough draft for a couple of songs and spent time planning Friday night when he’d see Kurt, su amor (his love) with just a touch of caliente, tentador y lindo….oh, yes, Kurt was all of that and more, hot, tempting and cute.

He had to strike just the right balance of erotic and simply inviting. It was so tempting to want to reveal everything at once, but he’d learned how to harness that urge. When he got home, he took a quick shower, and stuck a frozen dinner in the micro. Finally, he collapsed in his favorite recliner in the media room and closed his eyes for a few minutes to clear his head, then reached for his list. As he reveled in the silence, he went over the list of ideas, starred the ones he might use and, after finishing lunch, decided a quick nap was in order. He loved the time spent recording and writing, but it could be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Like a cat stretching, he slowly reached overhead and extended his legs out as far as they would go, then worked the kinks out of his neck. He sank into the plushness of the recliner, turned his thoughts to Kurt and let his imagination take him to places only Kurt was allowed to go, falling into a sound sleep.

When Javi awoke he reached for his phone to see what time it was. He hated watches and refused to wear one. People checking their watches was almost as annoying as them checking their phones all the time. It was a distraction he didn’t need or want. His life was full of enough deadlines. Plenty of time to get ready though. He slipped into his walk-in closet, hoping for some inspiration. He knew Kurt would “mute” himself so as not to clash or compete with Javi’s attire and he found that so sweet. Someday they’d talk about it, but for now he needed to decide if he was going to be a peacock or a swan…..or display a bit more subdued plumage, somewhere in between the two. He thought of the colors he knew Kurt liked, blue, red, black, pink. He removed one of his favorite jackets from its hanger and examined it with a critical eye. It was black silk with a tiny strip of red piping around the lapels and the hem and Kurt liked silk. He had a red hat that matched the touch of color in the jacket, and it had a shiny black band. He smiled, he had a hat that matched everything he wore. If he collected anything it was hats. He searched through his many black shirts, found the one he wanted and held it up against the jacket. It wasn’t like he hadn’t worn them together before, but one just never knew when your fashion sense was going to turn on you. Perfect, no collar, short sleeves and it fit him like a glove. Again, he went through the wide array of black pants he owned and found the pair he was looking for, a shiny black material like the silk jacket, a comfortable pair of black shoes. Jewelry! He loved jewelry! He’d purchased some new earrings in LA. Actually, he’d called his jeweler in LA a little over a week ago and asked him to custom make two of them. One for him and one for Kurt. He planned to give the one he’d had made for Kurt to him tonight if the moment was right. There had to be a fluidity to their plans, especially when planning something as intimate as tonight.

He picked up his earring and held it to his ear just as he had in the jewelry store. It was a diamond stud with a small black onyx pendant wrapped in a miniscule thread of silver painted red. In black, the initial K dangled from the bottom of the pendant. The earring measured maybe an inch long. He’d had an identical earring created for Kurt using his own initial, J. No other jewelry, he thought, too much and it would detract from the look.

He took a second shower enjoying the feel of the Sauvage body wash on his skin. He inhaled deeply and decided that was enough scent for this night. Balance, everything needed to be balanced. And besides the clothing he was planning to give Kurt to use in their “experiment” if he chose to, already had that scent on them.

As he dressed he began to prepare himself for this evening, the one of many like this for him and Kurt, he hoped, with lots of variations of course as time went by. He looked in the mirror and tried to see what Kurt might see. He brought to mind his own voice; he loved his voice. To him, it was one of his greatest gifts for so many reasons. He closed his eyes, tasting the fresh mint of the toothpaste he’d used, took another deep breath allowing the smell of Sauvage to surround him in the still somewhat steamy bathroom, grabbed his hat and touched the curls that Kurt seemed to take such delight in and headed for the door. The taxi was here. He laughed softly to himself as he thought, “Take one. Invasion of the Body Snatchers….”