CHAPTER 11 HELP I NEED SOMEBODY

CHAPTER 11 – HELP I NEED SOMEBODY

When Kurt woke up Sunday morning, he was so very glad he didn’t have to work today, and his homework was light. He had tried to go to sleep around 2 o’clock, but his mind was still stuck in the videos he’d been watching. Actually, stuck probably wasn’t the right word. He hadn’t tried very hard to unstick his mind. He was on sensory overload. He tried all the tricks for insomnia he could think of. None of them worked.

Actually, his problem wasn’t insomnia. A cold shower sort of helped; then, he tried a warm shower. After pacing for five minutes or so, he sat down at the kitchen table and called on one of his many alter egos, Commonsense Kurt. Why did he give himself these silly names anyway? Well, because it makes sense! It’s consistent, well-organized, sometimes insightful, and most importantly, it kept him sane.

Probably not another man in the world would sit down and give this dilemma a second thought, or even a first one! For most NORMAL men the solution was easy. All it required was one of your hands and baby oil or whatever. Now didn’t that make it sound oh so clinical. He had faced this dilemma ever since the first time he and Blaine had discussed “going south of the border” as Kurt remembered describing sex. For whatever ridiculous reason, and he really wished it seeming ridiculous would solve the issue, he never forgot Blaine’s response. He’d said it almost as if it didn’t really matter at all, “That’s what masturbation is for.

Really, Blaine? To you there was no difference between simply solving the immediate concern and making love? He never told Blaine that his saying that was certainly the ultimate turnoff that night. He really did know what Blaine meant, but for whatever reason it had never been that simple for Kurt. It wasn’t just a simple physical desire to be satisfied in any way that happened to present itself in the moment. It was the same way with one-night stands. He’d tried it once in the time between his breakup with Blaine and moving to California. As far as he was concerned it was about as much fun as….well, it wasn’t fun! That was the problem. Sometimes he really wondered if he was the only man, gay or otherwise, who wanted to actually have feelings for someone they were being so intimate with. Not that it mattered. He was who he was.

So, basically he was saving himself again. First, for Blaine, and now for a person he’d known less than 24 hours? No, it wasn’t that. Well, maybe a bit….It sounded totally insane, but getting off on just “getting off” wasn’t any more fun than a one-nighter! And it wasn’t that he thought there was anything wrong with it. It wasn’t dirty or disgusting. In fact, it obviously felt very good. It just wasn’t special. It didn’t make him feel wanted or loved or euphoric or even content and that’s what he really wanted.

There! Commonsense Kurt had definitely taken care of that! Nothing like talking to yourself to provide the ultimate buzz kill. Okay, let’s try this sleep thing again. He laid back down and decided to listen to some of the music he’d downloaded after listening to Mateo. He didn’t know why he thought that would help, but apparently it did. The next thing he knew it was morning and what looked like a beautiful one at that!

He’d shut his phone off, so he checked to see if he had any texts. Adam – at least he could always count on Adam to be considerate. He was going to spend the day with Ethan and probably be home by 6 or so. Maybe Ethan was turning into something more than one night for Adam. And, yes, one from Javi! He’d texted at what looked like about the time he quit playing last night. He wanted to meet him for brunch at After the Bars Close at about 11:30. He even texted, “if you’re available and interested.” Was this guy for real? Were there really people, and specifically guys, out there who cared if he was available and interested? It would appear there might be at least one and one was all he needed or wanted.