CHAPTER 16 BESAME (KISS ME)

CHAPTER 16 – (BESAME) KISS ME

Javi stood up and gave his legs a few shakes to get rid of the pins and needles from sitting yoga style, then reached down and offered Kurt his hand. Kurt clasped his hand and got to his feet. He didn’t know what to say and decided nothing might be the best idea. They’d both said much more than either had intended, but he didn’t feel the least bit uneasy. As much as he didn’t understand why, he was actually somewhat relieved to let go of the reticence he thought he should be feeling right now. “I need to check my texts,” Javi said, drawing them both back into real time, “it won’t take but a sec,” and as he wandered toward a nearby picnic table, Kurt thought he might as well check his, too.

A couple of texts from Adam telling him he was home and alone. His way of saying Ethan was somewhere else. They’d devised several ways of saying things without really saying them in New York. There was one from his dad just checking in. He smiled at that. Despite all the distance between them, he was still close with Burt and Carole. He’d call him back tonight.

When he was done, he shut his phone off again. He hadn’t done that hardly at all since the move; he didn’t have any real reason not to be interrupted. He checked the time, almost 5 o’clock. Then he turned around to find Javi just watching him as if he were spellbound by what he saw. Kurt felt a shiver and looked down for a minute. He couldn’t hold Javi’s gaze. It was all a bit much to take in; in fact, it was unnerving. Guys had told him before pretty much what Javi had said about his looks. He didn’t believe it himself. Yes, he knew he was attractive enough. Yet when he looked in a mirror that’s all he saw. A reasonably attractive man, but certainly nothing that would elicit the kind of adjectives that Javi and others spoke of. Oh, well…at least he wasn’t infatuated with himself as well as being infatuated with the man who seemed to be unashamedly contemplating him.

As Javi walked toward him, again, he noticed his easy gait. It was like his whole body knew its way around flawlessly, without effort. The only thing Kurt could compare it to was a model moving along a runway, except Javi did not even seem to be conscious of it. None of the body consciousness that Kurt hated about himself. Then he reminded himself that Javi had lived in his body 13 years longer than Kurt had – perhaps there was still hope. In the meantime, he decided he’d just enjoy the view as Javi reached for his fingers again. He was pretty sure that Javi knew the intoxicating feeling that slight touch evoked as opposed to simply holding his hand. A lot of experience and attentiveness so subtly revealed.

Lost in their own thoughts, they were almost surprised when they’d reached Kurt’s building. “Do you have to go inside right away or do you have time to talk a bit more?” Javi inquired. Even if Kurt had invited him in, he would have said no. As much as his body would have said yes to Kurt practically from the moment they met, he knew they’d already shared far more than either of them had intended. As he waited for Kurt to answer, his senses whispered frantically, wait, patience, not yet…not…yet.

They sat down on a bench off to the side of the door. This time, he was very intentional about taking Kurt’s hand and slowly revealed some of his thoughts.

“Kurt, I have to be in LA for a couple days. While I’m gone I want you to rethink all that we’ve talked about. I have no doubt we both meant exactly what we said, but I also know you’re cautious and that’s as it should be. The world is full of people and situations that can’t always be trusted. Being gay, I think we both know that more than most.”

There are some things you need to know about me. I’m not totally out. I’m not out at all in Mexico. We kind of talked about that already, I know. I’m mostly out in the US and in San Diego everyone knows. Coming out completely might end my career, so at least right now it’s not an option for me. The fact that I’ve managed to keep it to speculation only while doing what I love to do is a minor miracle. And being with me might complicate your life in that respect, too. Dating a celebrity puts you in the spotlight sometimes. I’ve done a really good job of keeping my private life private, but as I said very few things in this life can be trusted completely or at all.

Something else I want you to think about is exclusivity….or not. I haven’t been in an exclusive relationship in a very long time. Ever heard the term celebrity-fuck? To a lot of men, and women, actually, all I am is a commodity, a notch on their belt. Luckily, I cut the “competition” in half. Women don’t interest me at all!” He sort of smiled at that, “and to be blunt, for a long time I lived on one-night stands, until I discovered they really weren’t worth the time or effort. Keeping that quiet took some real work, but when you’re well-known there always seems to be a way if you look hard enough. I just want you to know, temptation is everywhere for me.

You’re only 22, Kurt. Although you seem mature beyond your years, there are going to be times when I might be gone for weeks, and occasionally months. Sure, I can alleviate some of the difficulties with that. I could fly back here sometimes or fly you to wherever I may be, but distance like that is hard to deal with. We may not always be there for each other is what I’m trying to say. We can text, talk, Skype….but you know what I’m saying.”

“Sitting here with you, I can’t even imagine us as anything but exclusive. It’s only been 2 days and I know that what you say is true. Romantic relationships almost always start out this way.” There he’d said it, the word they were both avoiding, romantic. Kurt started to speak, but Javi reached over and traced his lips with his finger, then said, “Shhhh! Please let me finish. I’m almost sure I could handle the distance and the things we’d have to do to accommodate it; I’ve had years of practice on the road.”

“It’s you I’m concerned for. You just moved here. I seriously doubt it was just for the weather or because you got tired of the stress of being a student at NYADA. I don’t want you to feel tied down to a vagabond…unless you really want to be.” Javi stilled his voice, finally giving Kurt a chance to speak. There was a word picture, Kurt tied down…quite literally. Here he was having a serious discussion…where did that image come from? Like he didn’t know? He was trying to be serious, but he couldn’t deny this overwhelming attraction any more than he could deny his Latinx heritage.

“Javi, look at me…please,” and without even realizing what he was doing, he slowly raised Javi’s chin so that he was looking directly at him, he didn’t have a choice. Kurt gently rested his hand on Javi’s cheek.

“You’re right about everything you said. “But..”, Kurt sighed and looked toward the sky, “I want to try. With you, I want to try with you. Even though we both might get hurt. Even though it may seem the odds are against us. Even though….there may be times when we might want to say, “Why the fuck am I doing this to myself, to him? Is it really worth it?…Yes, I’ll think about all of this, I only ask the same of you.”

Javi raised his hand to his cheek and placed it over Kurt’s hand, “I’ll be back on Wednesday and we can talk again whenever you have the time. We can text, stay in contact while I’m away…or not. I want to keep in touch, but I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

Kurt slowly nodded and said he had classes until one on Wednesday, but he was free the rest of the day. They sat there just looking at each other, like the conversation had taken every ounce of strength they possessed.

Finally, Javi said, “Well, I better go.” And Kurt just nodded. Javi stood up…but then he sat back down and drew Kurt toward him, resting his hands lightly on his beautiful face. He kissed him so lightly, like the touch of a feather on the right cheek, then the left, and on the tip of his upturned nose. In a whisper only Kurt could hear, he breathed, “Besame, Kurt…” Kurt couldn’t think, he couldn’t speak, he could barely breathe, but he knew what the word besame meant. He’d only watched Mateo sing that word countless times already and knew every nuance of Javi in those videos.

Bay-sa-may….kiss me. Even the sound of the word was intoxicating. If Kurt had stayed in New York he would never have felt comfortable, so public with any kind of affection, but this was San Diego and his entire world had just been turned upside down.

As Javi barely kissed his lips, just like in the park, he kissed him back, feeling as if he was drowning but didn’t care.