CHAPTER 18 WATCH LATER

CHAPTER 18 – WATCH LATER

Kurt had classes on Monday and then worked from 2 to 6. He liked his job. He worked at a men’s boutique and he was paid both hourly and on commission, so it really helped. Now that he had some idea of what kind of clothing and fashion changes he needed to make, he could start using his employee discount. He and Adam had both agreed it would be better to take fewer classes, at least for the first semester or so until they got used to San Diego. They both had scholarships, which helped, too. NYADA had opened a lot of doors for them. The cost of living wasn’t dissimilar to New York, but in every other way so far it had been like the difference between night and day. Even night and day were different, he thought.

Tuesday was more of the same, without the classes, which gave him time for homework, and since Adam was working today, he was fixing dinner. He wasn’t sure what that would be yet, but it really wasn’t the first thing on his mind. Yes, Tuesday was more of the same. Yet, “the same” that existed less than a week ago, didn’t feel routine anymore. What was foremost in his mind had nothing to do with work or classes and certainly wasn’t what he might whip up in the kitchen.

The only thing he could compare it to was landing in Oz after living in Kansas for over a year, almost two. His world had developed from a black and white photo into “living color” as the TV shows used to say it.

Javi had texted him a couple times and had even sent a selfie where he was in a recording studio with headphones on. He’d added a text that said, “No hats allowed while recording” and some silly emojis tacked on. Kurt had texted back a pic of himself at work with one of the many hats for sale, “modeling for the customer…they’re always right!” There had been a few late night texts about their plans for Wednesday when Javi got back from LA. They’d decided to go to Cam’s get-together on Wednesday night and Javi had already sent a text to Cam asking if Adam could bring Ethan, the response being, “The more the merrier!”

They kept their texts light and it seemed that Kurt was rewriting every text at least 10 times before he sent it. In true Kurt fashion, he really was thinking about everything they had discussed and more. It was almost insanely impossible to keep his mind off of the….and more part. That’s exactly where he wanted to start and forget everything else that might get in the way.

Whenever Javi came to mind, like almost every minute of every waking hour, he could somewhat successfully nudge him towards the file folder of his mind named, “Watch later,” just like on Youtube. Except when Adam wasn’t there to talk to or he was almost asleep, if he managed to make it that far, Javi was right there. Holding his fingers, kissing him, quite honestly, as he had never been kissed by anyone, his gentle hands on his cheeks, tracing his lips with his ring finger. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was laughing, his eyes illuminating his entire face or they became soft and concerned as they talked about something serious. He was walking towards him with open arms waiting to embrace him, his hair tumbling carelessly over one eye…of course that hadn’t happened yet….He was whispering “Besame, Kurt,” over and over, and that’s exactly what Kurt was doing over and over, kissing him….It was times like these he really wished that all he cared about was physical release…that would be easy. But it always left him feeling empty and hollow, not really satisfying what he really craved, affection and love, a relationship that was as close to a perfect combination of emotional and physical. He’d had that once, he wanted it again.

Javi had just finished a long, but productive, recording session. His new release, No Voy A Morir De Amor (I Will Not Die of Love), was as perfect as he could make it. It was something of an irony that he had written this song right after Tonio was gone, when he was certain he WOULD die of love and had to make himself try to live again. He had never recorded it because he didn’t want to hear it playing over and over again in unexpected places, or worse, having to sing it over and over again live. Just before he met Kurt he’d finally decided it was time to record and release it, he thought probably all part of the healing process. As it turned out, even when he was singing this song over and over the past two days to get it right, Tonio wasn’t ever present. The song had made him sad, but he didn’t feel like his heart was being ripped from his chest…again. Almost 8 years and the pain had never really left him…until Kurt. He could sing about Tonio, and without him even realizing, his thoughts would shift to Kurt. He could almost hear Tonio cheering him on or giving him a stern talking to about not living in the past. Tonio would not have wanted him to live this way for 8 years, but he’d kept himself busy as a way of avoiding the memories, and then suddenly 8 years had gone by.

Kurt was never far from his mind or his heart. He kept reliving the moment they met, those eyes that were a million shades of every color, almost like watching the seasons change, although he didn’t have a lot of personal experience with that. He watched him as he spun, as if contained in his own personal Kurt whirlwind, that Sunday morning, so graceful, so agile, so stunning, totally unaware of his own beauty. He wanted to feel Kurt’s hand holding his face, speaking so earnestly as if he couldn’t lie if his life depended on it. Again and again, he felt his lips so soft and yielding against his own. He wouldn’t allow himself to think too far into the future or what it would be like to hold this exceptional man close without all the barriers of fear, of expectations, of the baggage of past relationships…and yes the very simple, but consequential barrier of clothing. And right now, his entire body was focused on that particular barrier.

He had no illusions about how an exclusive relationship would change his life, possibly even more than Kurt’s. After a few years of meaningless time spent with faceless men who he cared nothing for…they were just always available….he avoided one-night stands. Although it was always an option, if he and Kurt were to be exclusive, it wasn’t an option anymore. He didn’t know what Kurt’s experiences had been with faithful or unfaithful partners, but unfaithfulness wasn’t something he’d ever wanted to deal with. Antonio had been so open and honest. Absolutely, they had both been tempted. As he had told Kurt, temptation was just a part of life as an entertainer. Yet, somehow he and Tonio had held it all together. True, they spent a good part of their time together, sometimes almost joined at the hip, and even that could ruin a relationship. He wasn’t entirely sure how they had made it work so well, he just knew that they had.

That was then, this was the present. He had no qualms about doing the “single-handed shuffle” as he jokingly called it. No, it wasn’t anything like having the person you loved beside you. You really couldn’t write songs for a living and not grasp how dependent true intimacy was to true love. Well, at least he couldn’t write songs without that knowledge.

He grabbed his phone and brought up the only picture of Kurt that he had. How could a person be that adorable and still be so tantalizing and seductive at the same time? And in the middle of a workday, as if it was just a part of who he was. And that’s exactly what it was, it was intrinsically Kurt, no one had ever had to teach him to be just flat-out sexy.

He set the phone on the table beside the bed and reached for the unscented baby oil he had laced with Sauvage. He loved the smell of Sauvage and silly as it sounded it reminded him of Kurt because he had been wearing it the first time they met. He opened the bottle and poured the oil into his hand. He looked at the picture of Kurt, locked it in his mind as if to hold onto something precious, and slowly reached for himself. His mind took in every aspect of Kurt that revolved through his mind like watching a favorite movie over and over. As he moved one hand steadily and rhythmically over the most exquisitely vulnerable part of his body, he arched his back and felt the freeing of the physicality of his being as his heart and mind watched Kurt twirl to look at him again and again and again.