CHAPTER 20 FOUNDATIONAL CAKE BAKING 101

CHAPTER 20 FOUNDATIONAL CAKE BAKING

Kurt had brought a blanket so they could sit on the grass. He’d also grabbed some cheese, crackers, fruit and water. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast and he thought Javi might be hungry, too. Once they settled in, Kurt with his back against the tree and Javi cross-legged on the blanket, they each grabbed a water bottle and some grapes, and made small talk, getting comfortable with each other.

Javi took a sip of water and leaned back on his hands, then took off his hat. Again, Kurt was stunned just looking at him. He’d oh so casually unbuttoned the one button on his shirt and the shirt fell away to reveal his smooth light brown skin and his well-muscled torso. He tilted his head towards the sky and exclaimed, “What a perfect day!” And, indeed it was. It would be starting to get cold in New York, Kurt thought.

Javi had stretched his legs out on the blanket and all Kurt could think about was how he’d never seen a pair of distressed jeans look so sleek and sexy. He was getting distressed just looking at Javi stretched out on that blanket, his face raised to heaven, eyes closed.

Javi let out a sigh of contentment and turned his full attention to Kurt, not that his full attention had ever left him. He didn’t think he’d ever enjoyed watching a person eat so much in his life! How could eating a friggin’ grape look so hot! Watching those dimples flicker in and out was an appetizing experience all by itself. Okay, get the ducks in a row, Javi! You could sit here and watch Kurt all day, which wasn’t exactly the worst way to spend an afternoon, but he knew what he wanted to say and do. He hoped Kurt would understand what he was going to say. He hoped it would be a heart-to-heart conversation, not a one-sided discourse. He still remembered the person who taught him this and, for once, the mere thought of him didn’t bring a dull ache in his chest.

“Kurt, come sit with me,” he wanted them to be facing each other. Kurt moved over so he was sitting across from Javi, and as they both got comfortable, Javi reached for Kurt’s hands and held them for a moment, before saying, “I want to talk to you about something that’s very important to me, to us, if we’re going to caminar este camino puntos, sorry, that’s a line from a song I helped write…if we’re going to walk this path together.” Kurt said nothing. He loved it when Javi occasionally slipped into Spanish, such a musical language. But this was not the time to tell him that; he was obviously focused on something and he didn’t want to interrupt.

“I want you to close your eyes,” Javi said. “Okay???” Kurt replied in a puzzled voice. Javi smiled and laughed, “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on hurting you. In fact, I’m pretty sure you might enjoy this, so just relax.” Kurt took a breath, let it out, then closed his eyes. When his eyes were closed, Javi reached over and starting with his brow moved his fingers slowly over Kurt’s face, touching him just as softly as he had kissed him earlier. As Javi’s fingers stirred over his eyes, his lashes, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, it didn’t feel like he was just caressing his face…again, it was like animated electricity, every part of him inside and out responded. Even his mind was betraying him…was he really seeing stars? With obvious intent, Javi’s fingers continued to explore his neck, moving up to his ears and into his hair. It was almost a feeling of shock to his system when he stopped and took Kurt’s hands again.

“Now open your eyes, Kurt,” Javi half-whispered, and when Kurt looked at him, he could tell what had just happened affected Javi as much as it had him. “Now, I want you to do the same,” and Javi closed his eyes. Kurt felt like he wasn’t in a park in San Diego anymore; he wasn’t sure where he was, but it wasn’t anywhere on the planet he’d ever been.

He got comfortable and then let go of Javi’s hands and began exploring his face, exactly as Javi had done to him. It felt the same and different all at once. The more he caressed Javi’s skin the more it felt like, as crazy as it sounded, an out-of-body experience. Right now, in this moment, he never wanted it to end. Watching Javi as he lightly stroked his face, his neck, his hair – he wanted to entwine his fingers into those curls so badly -felt as intimate as when Javi had been touching Kurt. Finally, he tucked his hands back into Javi’s and let out a shaky breath.

When Javi opened his eyes, he saw Kurt looking back at him with the same look Kurt was surely seeing from Javi – raw desire. This was so difficult but so necessary in their situation.

Javi finally broke the gaze and said, “Someone taught me this once as a way to understand what an exclusive, long-term relationship needed to look like from the beginning. I’ll try to explain, and please, please feel free to speak up. This is not about me or you anymore. It’s about us.”

“Romantic relationships start out as a jumble of physical attraction and the desire to love someone on a deeper level. The physical almost always overwhelms us. That first touch, that first kiss, all that intoxicating desire….it’s sort of like a cake, Kurt.” Javi looked to the sky as if looking for divine intervention. “Most people start out wanting the frosting first, or that’s what they think they want. And because everything seems so easy and so perfect and tastes so sweet, we overlook the foundation, the cake, that the frosting needs to support itself. And that’s why so many relationships fail. We need to explore the foundation of a person first, and as we both know, the physical is like walking into the ocean when the tide is coming in. We’re hit with a giant wave of want.”

“What we just did was overwhelming. We’re both sitting right here, right now, wanting each other so much we can hardly stand it, but we need to start with discovering who we are to each other underneath. I don’t mean we shouldn’t or won’t touch and kiss and hug. Of course, we will, and sometimes it will almost kill us to not succumb to the high tide, but at least for a while it’s important that we don’t. I know most people don’t think this way these days. Maybe it was my strict upbringing, probably the fact that I grew up in the Church, and even though I’m completely estranged from my family, I learned to think before I act from them.”

He didn’t realize it, but he’d looked down for a few moments because he was concentrating so much on what he was saying. He looked up at Kurt and there were tears in his eyes. Kurt hated it when he cried; he looked absolutely horrible, but he couldn’t help himself. Everything Javi had said was true. He honestly didn’t know what had gone wrong with him and Blaine, but he didn’t want to start something with anyone if he was terrified it was only going to end because he might have done something wrong. Deep down, he knew he wasn’t totally responsible for the downfall of that relationship. Yes, he was afraid, deathly afraid in fact, of starting a new relationship, but he was even more afraid that if he didn’t try with Javi, he may never want to try again.

Kurt grabbed one of the cloth napkins he’d brought with the snacks and tried to get himself back together. When he was done, he looked at Javi, but he was without words. They just sat there for a while not saying a word, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was like they were speaking without even trying.

Finally, Kurt looked up and took those wonderfully sensual fingers and said, “I don’t know if I’m ready for someone like you, but I want to be. If I wait until I think I’m ready, I know I never will be. What you said was true, so true, and I’ve never known anyone quite as expressive as you are. I know what I want. You’re right, I want love and I want an honest relationship. I don’t know what you’ve been through in the past, but I know you’ve been hurt deeply. It doesn’t take a genius to see and understand that. I may be only 22, and I may not know what I want to do with the rest of my life yet, but I do know what I want when it comes to this. Javi…” Kurt hesitated for a minute and cleared his throat. “I do want you, every time I see you again, I want you more…but as difficult as it may be, I want all of you and I don’t want to start with the frosting no matter how sweet it may be if it means not having the chance to really know someone like you.”

Javi could stand it no longer. He reached for Kurt and kissed him, starting out softly and slowly as he had before, kissing his face, his eyes, butterfly kisses until he reached his lips. He started out as softly as before, kissing the corners, moving his fingers and his lips over Kurt’s mouth. Slowly, he slipped his tongue into Kurt’s mouth until he touched only the very tip of his tongue, and then explored every inch of his mouth, returning to his tongue. As Kurt tried to respond, Javi stopped for just a second, and then kissed him deeply, finally allowing Kurt to return his kiss.

When they finally parted, they were both completely out of breath. As they recovered from all that kiss had spoken of, Javi looked at Kurt and said softly, “Your second Spanish lesson, Kurt. Abrazame, Kurt, abrazame y nunca me sueltes,” Javi saw the recognition in his eyes. He knew Kurt had been watching videos. “I know you understand abrazame, it means hold me, Kurt….and never let me go.” Kurt reached for him and made a wish…that he would truly never, ever have to let Javi go.