CHAPTER 26 A SHELTER FROM THE PAST

CHAPTER 26 – A SHELTER FROM THE PAST

Kurt handed a Coke to Javi, setting his own drink on a coaster. He got comfortable, leaving what he hoped was a safe distance between them, at least for now. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that Javi had something serious on his mind. Javi took a sip of his Coke, set it down and, again, took the fingers of both of Kurt’s hands into his.

That level gaze….it felt like a laser beam striking his very core. “Kurt, this is a conversation I had hoped could wait a bit longer, but after what I sang to you tonight, you not only need but deserve to know where my heart and mind have been for the last 8 years. I don’t want you to hear the story from anyone but me.”

Kurt just nodded. Antonio had arrived and Kurt was stuck somewhere between curiosity and “let’s get this over with, please.” So, he remained silent. Javi had to tell his story…their story…in his way and in his time.

Javi held his gaze and took a breath, let it out and said, “Tonio….” he had to stop. “Tonio died, 8 years ago. He was in a skydiving accident and it wasn’t the first time he’d done that. Tonio was a true risk-taker in every area of his life. There was no middle ground for him.” He stopped again, not sure which direction to take. Kurt tried to rescue him, by saying, “You don’t have to do this right now, Javi. I know what I need to know for the time being…” “No, Kurt, I’d rather tell you as much as I can stand all at once. It will never get easier,” he realized he was holding Kurt’s fingers too tight and loosened his grip.

“I guess the only real place to start is at the beginning.” We met in Mexico City at a recording studio. I was doing some backup vocals. I’d barely gotten my suitcase unpacked. Antonio…well, many called him a musical genius and he was only 19 when we met. I’d never met anyone so focused and single-minded. He took lots of chances in his personal life, but when it came to music, he was deliberate, almost obsessively so.”

I know you’ve watched the videos. Antonio was like the Sun come to Earth,” he half-smiled when he remembered what friends had called them, the Sun and Moon, “his larger-than-life passion is what fueled Mateo’s success, but he never would let anyone give him credit alone. He firmly believed that without Rodrigo and me, Mateo would never have reached the pinnacle it did. But, he chose us. He had this innate ability when it came to the music business, almost a sixth sense.”

“Anyway, when we met, we were virgins, as strange as that sounds. Antonio had been so intent upon music that as he said, “I just haven’t gotten around to that!” And me, I was the kid who’d never been outside of Quintana Roo with a strict, repressed childhood, looking not just for myself, but my sexual identity, everything I guess….and since I wasn’t attracted to girls…well, that didn’t leave me with much as a teenager.”

“Tonio…,” Javi laughed, “we were lovers almost from the beginning. He went from, I just haven’t gotten around to it! to What are we waiting for?! I certainly wasn’t going to deny him! I was 18 and suddenly I knew exactly what I was, if not who I was.”

“Neither of us had ever been in love, but Tonio had learned things that most virgins, much less a gay one, learned by doing. And, yes, of course, there was some of that, but he was experienced from the beginning. Someday I’ll tell you that unbelievable story, but not tonight.”

“Kurt, the videos speak for themselves, or at least I believe they do if you know what you’re looking for, and you’re far beyond perceptive. As much as I try to keep a low profile when it comes to being gay, we couldn’t hide what was between us, though we tried really hard. Somehow, we managed to keep it quiet, but it was pretty much an open secret within the music industry in Mexico and all points south. No one wanted to see Mateo break up and no one wanted to lose their job if they worked for the band, so fortunately for us, the media never ran with it if they knew.”

“When Antonio died, for many of us associated with Mateo, the Sun that he was died with him for a while. Rigo and I were at a loss for about a year. Neither of us cared if we ever worked again, but of course, that changed because life goes on, it has to. Tonio may have been young and reckless at times, but to everyone’s shock, he had made out a will and had all aspects of the business taken care of. That was the Antonio who never doubted himself or what he wanted. Since he had created Mateo and had the foresight not to allow anyone else to own a part of it, he made sure that if we wanted to continue using the name and start over, we could.

I just couldn’t. My reason for Mateo was gone. To watch someone else attacking that piano one minute and barely touching the keys looking for just the right note, I didn’t have it in me, even if the person who took his place changed the whole face of the group. Finally, Rodrigo decided he had to try. They’ve made a success of themselves and I’m happy for them, but for me it was over.

When I finally came up for air, I decided to try a solo career. I had the contacts and was already well known for some solo work. And, since then? Well, I have a great career and a life most would envy, but after so many years with Tonio as the center of my universe, spending almost every day and night with him….he was my first love, my first everything…I’ll never forget him, but my heart needs more than one-night stands and lots of friends. That was never me, it was only a way to hide from the loneliness.”

He stopped and dabbed his finger at the corner of each eye. “I think that’s enough for tonight…unless you have questions.” Kurt had a million questions, but there would be time for that. “This isn’t a seminar, my love…” Kurt didn’t even realize he’d called Javi anything other than Javi. Javi had been talking for 3 hours. It was four o’clock. Javi looked emotionally exhausted. Kurt knew telling that story had taken a toll. He didn’t need questions, he needed comfort.

Kurt closed the distance between them and encircled Javi with as much solace as he could and just held him until he was ready to talk….or not. Kurt knew he would never replace Antonio; in fact, he wouldn’t try even if he could. It was almost eerie how their story paralleled Kurt and Blaine’s. First love, first everything, years together. But then, maybe it was a good thing, if anything that devastating could be a good thing. It might be easier for them to move forward having lived similar pain.

Finally, Javi moved in Kurt’s arms and said, “I better go. It’s almost morning.” He started to stand and Kurt stopped him. “Stay here tonight…well, this morning. Adam is staying at Ethan’s. You can sleep on the couch or in Adam’s room. Or we can just stay right where we are. Thank you for telling me about Antonio. You can talk about him whenever you want.” Javi focused on the shifting colors of Kurt’s eyes and with a questioning look asked Kurt, “And what about you, Kurt? Do you want to talk about….” “No,” he shook his head, “no…another time. Just let me hold you.”

And he did. They fell asleep on the couch in each other’s arms.