CHAPTER 28 SUCH A DILEMMA

CHAPTER 28 – SUCH A DILEMMA

Javi had talked with his booking agent and his manager that morning just to check in and find out what changes, if any, had been made to his upcoming schedule. He was more than pleased to find out that other than a couple of music festivals, some personal appearances scattered throughout the US, and probably some tweaking on his latest recording, he was free until February of the next year. He asked them both to do their best to keep it that way and thanked them again for doing their jobs so well.

Basically free for 4 months. He’d forgotten the last time he really looked forward to so much downtime. Being in constant motion kept the loneliness and memories at bay. Surrounding himself with friends helped most of the time.

But now there was Kurt….mystifying, mesmerizing, tantalizing, hot as hell Kurt. And even though Kurt was the one who thought he wouldn’t survive limiting their physical contact, Javi was struggling…he wasn’t lying when he’d told Kurt he was pretty sure he’d met his match in him. Part of him was enjoying Kurt challenging him, whether consciously or not, kiss by kiss, touch by touch, sexually charged glance for glance, but, of course, there was always the other side of the coin. Intoxicating and agonizing all at the same time. Sometimes he felt like it wasn’t fair to Kurt to ask him to allow Javi to guide what was between them based on what someone in a past relationship had taught him. Yet, he knew from experience that that was the only kind of relationship he ever wanted. Tonio had indeed taught him well in their short time together, if you considered almost 10 years short, and if he could give that kind of abiding and intimate love to someone else, he would do it. It was the ultimate gift.

What Javi didn’t know was that unlike himself, Kurt was dealing with his lifelong dilemma over what most healthy men from the age of 13 found second nature. Actually, with Adam gone most of the weekend spending time with Ethan, he had attempted it this evening after he and Javi had gone their separate ways. They’d spent the weekend riding bikes, Javi giving Kurt a tour of the highlights of the neighborhood, and just spending time talking and enjoying each other’s company. Javi even invited him into his house on Saturday afternoon where he changed clothes and took a shower after spending the night with Kurt. To take his mind off the thought of Javi taking a shower, he’d inspected the media room, thinking he could probably live in that room all by itself and never leave. By mutual agreement, they’d each gone to their separate homes around midnight, both exhausted, but had met for brunch on Sunday and spent most of the day together, not easily exercising restraint again, but accomplishing it nonetheless.

Kurt was at a loss. It was the same problem that shouldn’t even be a problem. Why was he still allowing some careless words uttered when he and Blaine were kids to direct his life now…or ever? What if Blaine had never said what he’d said about masturbation? Would he still be stuck where he was? Maybe it really wasn’t Blaine’s fault at all. It didn’t matter whose fault it was; it was there in his mind.

Yes, he’d been “successful” Sunday night if one was only looking for physical release, but the emptiness and longing for the love and intimacy he craved was still there. And now he had a living, breathing object of all that affection and intimacy in Javi. He still wasn’t sure if it made life more difficult in that regard just because he knew he was so close….so available, yet not available. He was pretty sure Javi had no such inhibitions, if that’s what you wanted to call it. Kurt didn’t feel like he was inhibited; it just left him feeling hollow.

Fuck this! (now there was an oxymoron for the situation!) He was a man in love, and he knew it, but he wasn’t a virgin, far from it! He understood what Javi was trying to accomplish and he loved and respected him for it, but if this was going to work, he couldn’t continue like this for an indefinite period of time, and if Javi was looking for honesty and openness then as much as he felt totally unprepared, not to mention, embarrassed, who better to talk it over with. Javi didn’t know what Kurt was dealing with and Kurt knew that if they didn’t talk about it, he might end up resenting him, without Javi ever understanding where the resentment came from. But how could he bring it up without getting into a discussion about Blaine? He just wasn’t ready for that. He was still processing what Javi had told him about Antonio.

He only had to work a few hours tomorrow and only had one class. That would give him some time to come up with a strategy? plan? How does a person strategize over this particular topic? He grabbed his phone and texted Javi asking him what his plans were for the next day. He got a text back saying he had some things to do in the morning, but he was free after that and attached a few hearts in different colors. Despite himself, Kurt had to smile at that. He texted him back asking him if he could meet him in the park around 3. He got a reply that contained a selfie of Javi with that smile that revealed both dimples and a thumbs up. Kurt replied with his own selfie, said he’d see him tomorrow and received a series of tiny fires indicating how hot Javi thought the pic was. Again, he couldn’t help but laugh and replied with his own hearts and fires, another perfect analogy for the way he felt.

He queued up some of Javi’s solo music, laid down on the floor with a pillow under his head, closed his eyes and listened to words he didn’t understand, the underlying music creating the emotions the songs evoked anyway. As hard as this conversation might be, he felt better about it, just knowing he wouldn’t be trying to figure this out on his own. And there, listening to Javi’s voice, trying to sing along in places, he fell into a sound sleep.

He was glad Monday morning went by quickly and slipped into the few hours he worked. He didn’t want to overthink this. He was so very good at it, but for something like this he was pretty sure overthinking wouldn’t help in the least. It would make him more nervous than he already was.

He’d decided today he would slip into a comfortable pair of jeans, grab a sleeveless dark green tank top, his high top tennies, wear his hair loose again and go with a small single hoop earring. He eyed one of his favorite bracelets, simple braided leather with denim woven through it, slipped it on and looked in the mirror. Yep, he was finally starting to look like a California native. He took a slow breath, let it out and said a silent prayer to whomever might be listening and wondered how many people there were in the world who prayed before a discussion about masturbation…or lack thereof in his case. Almost forgetting, he grabbed one of his more casual hats from his new collection, a straw-colored panama, and his sunglasses. Something else he was discovering was essential in California.

As he approached the park entrance, he saw Javi laying on a blanket beneath “their” tree, not that there were that many to choose from. He, too, had worn a pair of jeans, distressed, showing off just enough of his legs….okay, Kurt, stop! And then he thought no! If this is going to be an honest discussion, he might as well start by admitting how enticing and sexy Javi was to him. He wore one of the black mesh shirts he favored, a pair of tennies as well, but with black shoestrings laced with silver thread. A wide black and silver necklace, almost a choker, encircled his neck and again he had on the wide black, silver-studded bracelet. A black wide-brimmed hat lay beside him.

When he heard Kurt approach he sat up cross-legged. How did anyone go from lying with legs outstretched to sitting up cross-legged in one smooth move? He patted the blanket beside him, motioned for Kurt to have a seat and offered him some water. This time, he had brought snacks, knowing Kurt had already had a busy day. He leaned over at the same time Kurt did, almost falling into each other’s laps. Javi’s musical laughter caused Kurt to laugh too and soon neither of them could stop. Finally, they stopped, and Kurt motioned to Javi, and said, “Come here!” He wrapped his arms around Javi and held him close, savoring his nearness, then let go, kissing him on both cheeks and the tip of his nose. Kurt felt more at ease after all of that laughing. When Javi tried to kiss him on the lips, Kurt put his finger to his lips, and then to Javi’s, as if to say, “Later, please listen.” Javi sat back, his arms outstretched behind him, and gave Kurt an inquisitive look. “Something very important is on mi adorable hombre’s mind…oh, my lovely man, sorry. Please, take your time and I’ll listen to every word until you’re done.” And he settled himself and watched Kurt intently.

Kurt was also sitting cross-legged. He took a sip of water and then clasped his hands in front of him. Where to start?

“Javi, I want you to know that I respect and appreciate what you…and me, I want this, too….you’re trying to help us accomplish in a relationship. The last time I was in a situation like this, I was a teenager, and a virgin, only I was the one who wanted to move slowly, and not just for the reasons you…and I….have. I don’t want to go into the whys, partly because I’m not sure myself…all I know is it’s going to be sheer hell for me to go for an indefinite period of time without having a genuine sexual relationship with you.” Kurt stopped for a minute and looked at Javi, still watching him so earnestly, not interrupting, not saying a word. His eyes simply said, “Go on.”

“I know there’s a very simple solution to this. Or at least a solution that would make it bearable, but it just doesn’t work for me…no, that’s not the way to say it….it doesn’t help me much and kind of makes it worse.” Kurt paused, not sure how to continue.

Javi leaned over and took Kurt’s fingers, such a Javi thing to do. He looked up into Kurt’s eyes and said, “Mi amor, maybe I can make this easier for you. We’re talking masturbation here, right? I could give it a million other names, but that’s what you mean. Am I right?” Kurt nodded, and Javi waited for Kurt to speak. When he didn’t, Javi continued.

“Maybe you realize this and maybe you don’t, but I was in the same situation when I was trying this with…Tonio. We were both virgins, though. For him, using his hand or anything else for that matter was like second nature. Me? I was basically a school boy coming from a background where even thinking about doing such a thing was considered dirty and disgusting, not to mention a sin. I know it seems strange that we should both have had to deal with this, though obviously for different reasons, but the fact that I was a virgin and Tonio was too, probably made a difference. Tonio, as I’ve said, was a very uninhibited guy. In fact, as sensitive as he was, the fact that I might be dealing with something he couldn’t even fathom, never occurred to him. So, one day, I had to sit down with him and talk about it. I was scared to death and embarrassed, afraid I might cry even, another thing Mexican men are taught they must never do.

So you see, even though you may think you are the only man on Earth that has faced this dilemma, believe me you are not. Although things aren’t going in exactly the order I had planned, I’m pretty sure it’s that way for you, too. There are many things I will tell you about Tonio and I that you will find strange, maybe unbelievable. But…that was Tonio, sometimes strange and unbelievable. And please, if you don’t want me to talk about Tonio, just say so.” He stopped talking and just nodded.

Kurt took the cue, “Okay, so what did you do? What did Antonio do? How did you handle this?”

Javi looked into his eyes again and said, “First, tell me what bothers you or why it doesn’t seem to help you. You can tell me anything, mi amigo. Please trust me. I will help if I can…and I think I can…”

“Well, obviously, it feels good physically….” Javi stopped him a moment and said, “Not always so obviously, but go on…”

Kurt continued, “It leaves me feeling lonely and empty. I don’t crave the physical release so much as I crave the affection, the closeness, the intimacy.” Javio nodded and thought for a few moments.

Then, he looked up again, and said, “I know you must have a very active imagination being a drama student, and this is just an assumption, but your imagination affects all areas of your life, true?”

Kurt nodded again and struggled with what to say next. Finally, he said, “It’s not that I can’t imagine all kinds of things. The imagination is there, but I guess what I can’t do is create a reality for it, as much as I try. It just isn’t there for me. I need to feel all the warmth and closeness…I want to hear and taste and smell….and, yes, I’ve tried porn but that doesn’t help either. That is someone else’s reality, not mine.”

Again, Javi nodded, and went quiet as he tried to decide what to say next. “Okay, for me, it was getting past the guilt that I carried with me from the background I came from. But I think I understand what you’re trying to say. And even though the reasons aren’t the same, we did talk about this, Tonio and I. Even though he was so free and I was not back then, we both struggled with this, too. There is no perfect answer, but I can at least tell you some of the things we tried. Like I said though it may sound weird, strange, even kinky, depending on your background.”

Kurt took a breath, then let it out again, “Whatever it may be, I’m pretty sure it can’t hurt to try. And I do want us to really know each other from the inside out. If we don’t, I’m not sure I want any other kind of relationship.”

“Okay, let me start with the simplest thing we tried. Back then cell phones weren’t quite as prevalent as they are now, but because we were tossed so quickly into all that Mateo became, we needed them, they were an essential part of our work, and we had state of the art at the time. Sometimes, we would use regular cameras, too. Anyway, we started out just taking pics of each other or ourselves, semi-clothed, because getting pictures developed could be risky in Mexico. Being celebrities though, those kinds of pictures weren’t considered “suspicious.” Sometimes, they were just pictures that we liked of the other. Each of us had a set of pictures of the other. At first we tried just using them alone. But then, we decided to create an intimate environment, candles, incense or whatever scents we found sensual, we’d put on our own music, or each of us singing solo, or whatever fit the mood at the time. We’d have fresh fruit or wine or, again, whatever was sensual to each of us. We each took the pics we had of the other, created a collage that was pleasing to us and set it up wherever we could see it in the room. We had bits and pieces of each other’s clothing that we liked and of course the clothing had our own scents on them. We’d use warm scented towels. In short, we did our best to create something that held as much of each other as possible. After a while the creativity became part of the experience. We would talk about different ways to enhance the scenario. That was the first thing we tried. It not only made it bearable, we even used it…after we became intimate with each other. And this may be what sounds a bit kinky, but sometimes when we were on the road, we’d share a place with two bedrooms and do the same thing at the same time, but in separate rooms.”

At first, as Kurt listened to Javi describe the details of a possible solution, his eyes grew wide and he was dumbfounded. He had never heard anyone suggest anything so creative for something that so many men found routine. This was far beyond a physical release! Not only did it sound sensual….it involved every sense he could think of!, but it was a total turn on….and to his surprise, especially the part about separate rooms. No one had ever suggested something even close to what Javi was describing!

He cleared his throat…twice, and then looked up at Javi with a sly smile on his face and simply asked, “So, when do we begin?” Javi smiled back and tackled him on the blanket pinning Kurt’s hands to the ground…and held him there until he could use every sense available to him, tasting the sweetness of his lips, smelling whatever soap and shampoo he had used, his eyes devouring his face, listening to Kurt laugh as he tackled him, loving the fact that maybe he could help with a dilemma that really wasn’t a dilemma…or he hoped it wouldn’t be now. Kurt noted exactly what Javi was doing, consciously taking him in with all of his senses, and tucked it away for later use. “We are going to have so much fun, Kurtito, so, so”…Kurt stopped him with his lips, turned him over on the blanket and straddled his waist, reached down, took his face in his hands and said, “Now, it’s my turn, Javito!”