CHAPTER 3 THREE LITTLE WORDS

Kurt was trying so hard not to smile in Blaine’s direction. They were at The Lima Bean, each at their respective tables, texting back and forth underneath hoping no one would see. Since it wasn’t exactly unusual for a group of teens to be sitting together engrossed in their phones instead of each other’s company, no one seemed to take notice…well, except for Rachel, but she knew what was going on and she wasn’t about to upset the apple cart of Kurt’s newfound happiness. And who cared if their once hot coffee turned to ice?

It had been almost three months since their first date, the boring movie followed by burgers at Sonic and their first real conversation, and they were taking it very slowly. Kurt was naturally wary just by virtue of his own experiences. It was hard to trust. Of course, he was hopelessly attracted to Blaine, but he couldn’t afford to risk his fragile heart wrapped in the gauze of caution for someone who was still struggling with coming out. He didn’t blame Blaine for that at all. He already knew how life-changing the three simple words, “I am gay,” were. One sentence turned your reasonably normal world completely upside down. Those words could tear apart families and friendships and leave you as the target for the bullies that lived to inflict pain on anyone who was different. The gossip, the lies, the glances filled with superiority and disgust. And as for Blaine, he wanted to shout to the entire world what his feelings were for Kurt, but he knew that first he’d have to shout to that same unforgiving world, “I’m gay, I like boys.”

But in the meantime, they’d spent almost every Saturday night at Kurt’s house. His dad had known from the moment he shook Blaine’s hand that he wasn’t just “my new friend.” For one, both Kurt and Blaine were as nervous as cats in a room full of rocking chairs. But he didn’t want to make Kurt uncomfortable, God knew he had enough of that in his life already. So he and Carole made themselves scarce on Saturday evening, sometimes going on their own date, leaving Finn in charge. Sometimes if Finn had his own plans for that night, they’d make small talk for an acceptable period of time and then retire early. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust Kurt, but allowing them to disappear into Kurt’s basement bedroom was out of the question. The same rule applied to Finn when he had Quinn over.

So, they’d spent their evenings playing video games. Sometimes they’d watch movies, Kurt’s arm wrapped around Blaine’s shoulder and Blaine holding one of Kurt’s hands. They might practice a few dance moves with or without Finn. And at least once a week or more they’d get together with Bryan and Finn at the dance studio for a class or simply to practice and then more often than not end up at Breadsticks.

When Blaine had brought up the possibility of taking dance classes to his parents, he was positive they’d both veto the idea. However, before his dad had a chance to get a word out, his mom had pointed out that basic dance steps and ballroom dancing were never bad skills for a man to have. Even his father had taken ballroom dancing with his mom. So, his dad had agreed as long as he took a ballroom dancing class along with any other classes he wanted to take, with the usual caveat….”As long as your grades don’t suffer.”

Their time alone though was what was most precious to them. Well, they weren’t actually alone, but Burt, Carole and Finn were noticeably absent in whatever room they happened to be in. The whole idea of starting their relationship the way they had was to learn more about each other and to try to figure out a way for Blaine to come out knowing full well there was no easy way or perfect time. As Kurt had so bluntly pointed out, “What if we find out we don’t have much in common? Maybe we’d just end up as friends, but the pressure of coming out would be off then. You’ll have to do it eventually, just not now.” They’d sort of looked at each other out of the corner of one eye. “But you don’t really believe that’s what’s going to happen, do you? I mean us….just…being friends.” Blaine ventured completely out of character for him to speak so freely. Kurt looked at his lap, took a deep breath and let out a sigh. He glanced in Blaine’s direction and finally said, “No….no, I don’t.” Kurt looked away again, fighting like mad the urge to close the distance between them and kiss Blaine…and not on the cheek. But no, he wouldn’t do that until they could actually present themselves as a couple or at the very least Blaine had come out to his parents. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Kurt had never been kissed and he wanted his first kiss to be with someone he truly cared about, maybe even loved…a someone who owned his heart.

As the movie came to an end, Blaine’s head resting on Kurt’s shoulder, Kurt absentmindedly playing with Blaine’s curls, they both knew the inevitable discussion about their relationship, how and when Blaine would reveal his sexual identity to his parents, would begin yet again. Blaine hated this moment. Two hours of sitting so close to Kurt, the way his arm around him made him feel so secure, or Kurt playing with his hair like he was now. Kurt hadn’t a clue of what that did to his insides. Holding Kurt’s hand sometimes running a finger up and down his palm and Kurt reciprocating….it was like they’d developed their own sensual language. Yet, a Saturday didn’t go by that their evening didn’t end with the same discussion. But instead of easing into it, Blaine let out a frustrated sigh.

“Kurt, I can’t live like this with you….with us….the way we are, not anymore. And I know we’ve talked it to death, but I have to tell them. It’s eating me alive. I think I’m more afraid that my dad will insist we don’t see each other, even though I don’t plan to tell him or them about you….not yet.” They’d already agreed that coming out and then presenting Kurt as a fait accompli wasn’t a good idea. What a sad waste of time if they’d spent months together like this, both of them knowing that what they felt was way beyond friendship, only to have their time together banned.

Of course, that went against Kurt’s better judgment, but he was a teenager, and dare he even think or say it “in love”? He could no more walk away from Blaine than he could fly to the moon and back. They’d just have to deal with that a step at a time. For right now, they went over the same possible reactions and what Blaine could do about them.

“Dad’s going to be home for a solid four days this week. I’m going to do it….this week. You know he’s rarely at home that long. Maybe if I wait until Tuesday night….he leaves again on Wednesday. That way he’ll have time to cool down or whatever he needs to do before he sees me again. He’ll have time to think about it. I don’t know how mom will react. She’s always been a mystery to me. One minute she’s supportive, the next she’s off in her own little world and hardly notices I’m alive. But I need to do this. How will you and I ever move forward if I don’t get it out in the open?” Blaine squeezed Kurt’s hand as if to say, “You know what I mean.”

Kurt cleared his throat and tried to hold Blaine’s gaze. “Um….I know I probably don’t need to say this, but….before you take this step, we need to talk again about how…” Kurt looked at the ceiling but no inspiring words were written there. “How we really feel about each other. Blaine, I’ve never felt like this…about anyone. You make me feel….like….well like…throwing all my caution to the wind….. being reckless…when I’m with you….it almost scares me….” Blaine uncharacteristically placed his index finger on Kurt’s lips, “Kurt….I…..you don’t have to explain it…..I knew the first time I saw you that….what I was feeling wasn’t some silly crush….and yeah it’s scary but…..a good kind of scary don’t you think?”

“Yeah, yes,” Kurt laughed, “it’s the best kind of scary.” Kurt gathered Blaine into his arms and for awhile they just held each other, knowing that this week their relationship would be changing, just by virtue of Blaine speaking those three words, “I am gay.” But, they were determined that whatever happened, they would not allow it to separate them, even if it meant continuing to play the game they’d had to play for the past three months. And whether Blaine immediately moved on to coming out completely? That was totally up to him. Much as Kurt hated the uncertainty, he’d begun to realize he couldn’t have it both ways. For now, Blaine telling his parents was enough.

Blaine had barely slept ever since Saturday evening when he’d made the decision to talk with his parents on Tuesday. He’d texted Kurt more in those three days than he ever had. He needed the reassurance, the reminder of one of the reasons why this was so important, and right now Kurt was the first and only reason. The feelings were too strong, almost overwhelming. He couldn’t spend another Saturday night holding it all in. Pretending to be interested in a movie or a game, all the while wanting nothing more than to engulf Kurt in his arms, to look into those iridescent eyes allowing all of the desire to show, kissing him with a passion that only Kurt could create. And the future beyond Tuesday night would just have to fall into place all by itself.

He knew his dad’s pretrip organizing as well as his dad did himself. He was always packed and ready long before they had dinner and because he was gone so much he always had two bags packed just in case something came up unexpectedly. Blaine had mentioned on Monday that he wanted to talk with them, so there they were in his dad’s study following a meal that Blaine barely touched.

His dad was seated in his favorite leather chair like a king on his throne in the grouping of furniture towards the left of the room. His mom, as always, sat on the end of the couch nearest his dad and Blaine sat on the other end. His palms were so sweaty. He’d lived all the variations of this conversation so many times….even before Kurt was in the picture. And he hated the fact that he practically had to make an appointment to talk to his dad. In all the years as far back as he could remember they had never had a spontaneous conversation unless you counted small talk at the dinner table.

“So, Blaine, what is it you need to talk about?” Not, what do “we” need to talk about, but you. Always, it was always like this, as if he was an employee. It wasn’t a dialogue; it was Blaine stating his case and his father reacting or advising.

He looked at his mom first, hoping for even a tiny bit of encouragement. As oblivious as she could sometimes be, she was well aware of the non-relationship Blaine and his father had. It was the same relationship she’d had with him for 20 years. It hadn’t taken her long to discover the evidence of affairs over the years and she told herself if it weren’t for Blaine she’d have left long ago….but then she had to wonder why having Laine in Blaine’s life was really important. He barely knew his son and had never taken the initiative to be a father. He paid for his schooling and all of his other needs, but if he loved Blaine it wasn’t evident to her and she knew all too well, to Blaine either. She gave him a crooked half-smile.

“Um….there’s no easy way to say this, so…..mom, dad…I’m…..I’m gay….I’ve known it for a long…..” Oh, you are not!” his father interrupted. His mom looked over at her husband and then back at Blaine as if she could somehow be the proverbial bridge over trouble waters. “Laine, let him finish, please,” she said in a quavering voice. Blaine’s words were shocking and she wasn’t even sure if she’d really heard him right, but he had the right to finish.

“Yes, I am. I’m gay and I’ve know it since I was eight years old.” He managed to get out in one breath. “No, Blaine, you’re not! What makes you say something so ridiculous? Is this some sort of…phase you’re going through?” A phase! Yes, dad, I just thought I’d tell you I’m gay to see how you’d react!” Good God! “Dad, being gay is not a phase, it’s my sexual identity…it’s not something I just decided to try on to see if it fits!” He was shouting; this was certainly a reaction he’d counted on but his getting this angry was totally unexpected. Blaine had never raised his voice to this man.

His mother tentatively stepped in as if she were a referee, “Blaine, why do you think you’re gay? I mean…well you don’t act gay….you don’t look gay….” Blaine was so frustrated, “Mom, would you like to tell me what a gay person looks and acts like?” He hated these stereotypes, the labels! “Well…..they don’t act like….you?”

“All of the money I’ve spent sending you to the best private boy’s schools I could find….is this what did it? Being around only boys all the time? Blaine, you are not gay! Confused maybe, but not gay!” Blaine looked directly at his father, “Dad, being gay isn’t something “you become,” using air quotes. “Gay is the way I was born. You went to all boy’s schools, right? And I’m assuming you’re not gay by the way you’re reacting!”

“Don’t….don’t you dare…..this is absurd. No one in our family is gay. I mean where did this come from?”

“No! What’s absurd is your reasoning! It’s not a hereditary disease or something, dad! You were born straight; I was born gay. It’s as simple as that. And you can say I’m not gay as many times as you like, but it doesn’t change the truth. I’m sorry that you find the fact so repulsive and horrifying. Would you prefer I say that I’m homosexual? ” Blaine leaned back on the couch, almost sure his dad was going to slap him, another something that had never happened.

But instead his dad glared at Blaine and then Barbara, stood up and turned his back on them, walking from the room with not even a single parting word. Well….that was definitely not what Blaine had expected in all the dreadful scenarios that had played in his head. Oh, definitely the arguing and the shock, but complete denial? Blaine knew as well as his mother did what that meant. As far as his dad was concerned, the subject would never be brought up again. He’d seen this many times in his life, not just with him or his mother, but with colleagues, extended family. Total avoidance was one of his father’s coping mechanisms. And it was easy to do with Blaine. Any attempts to bring the subject up again would be thwarted. He would be stopped dead in his tracks if he even tried. His mind conjured up a picture of his dad counting the days until he no longer had to support Blaine financially, keeping a ledger somewhere with Blaine’s name carefully written on the cover. They would continue as they always had, strangers under the same roof.

He finally took notice that his mom had slid across the couch, having taken one of his shaking hands in her own. “Blaine….I’m so….sorry…., ” His stormy hazel eyes flashed, “For what, mom? That I’m gay? That I’m such an embarrassment, such an inconvenience….” “Stop, Blaine, please….you didn’t deserve that…..and I should have….stepped in….” neither of them had to add that it wouldn’t have done any good. “I shouldn’t have said that about you’re not acting or looking gay….I was so unprepared …and I don’t know why….. Blaine, look at me….I’m sorry I said that…..I’ve kind of suspected for a long time,” she sighed.

“Look, we both know I haven’t been the best mother in the world….I’ve sacrificed your needs just….well I guess to keep the peace….like your dad, sometimes it was easier to just deny and ignore than confront and face the truth.” Blaine knew she wasn’t talking about him now, but all she’d put up with from his dad….the affairs….the loneliness. He may be only 15 but he wasn’t blind or deaf.

“And I know you think I’m oblivious; I’m not. Acting that way was just simpler. But, yes, if no one else in this house believes you, I do. It took me awhile to accept it though. For a long time I was like….him….wondering how you turned out that way. So stupid! But….now I know. I know you didn’t “become” gay….as you said, you were born gay.”

None of this! This was not how this ill-fated evening was supposed to go. But his dad’s reaction was less surprising than his mom’s. Was this the woman who sometimes seemed to live in a whole other world than Blaine’s? His dad hid behind his money and his career? His mom hid behind her charities and wrapped a cocoon around herself to protect her from more pain and loneliness? And in all that hiding, Blaine had been lost in their desperate dance?

“Blaine?……maybe it’s too little too late….I hope not….God how I hope not. But I want you to know I’m here for you. We both know he won’t be, we’ve seen how this plays out more times than we’d care to count. Maybe if I’d done something sooner….well it doesn’t matter. I’m doing something now if I can.” Blaine couldn’t remember his mother ever calling the two of them a “we.” Then, she did one of the most shocking things of the entire night. She started crying and wrapped her arms around Blaine….and they both wept in the silence.

Blaine felt like he’d been run over by a truck, but he’d promised Kurt he’d call him when “the talk” was over. They both knew a text wouldn’t do, but now it certainly wouldn’t do. Nothing had happened the way either of them had expected, except for the yelling, the anger and the shock…..but his parents’ reactions were like a tale from outer space as far as Blaine was concerned.

While he waited for Kurt to answer, he realized that despite all the emotional events, he was totally relieved that it was over, like someone had removed a giant weight from his shoulders. He still wasn’t sure how he was going to come out to his friends and classmates, but that could wait for another time. Undoubtedly, his parents wouldn’t be broadcasting the news!

Just hearing Kurt’s lilting voice brought a smile to his face on a night when he was sure he’d end up having absolutely nothing to smile about. “So, how’d it go?” To Kurt’s surprise, Blaine laughed! “Well, my dad’s not going to be giving me jewelry displaying the word COURAGE any time soon but I’m soooo glad it’s over!”

As Kurt listened to the unexpected reactions and how Blaine had interpreted them, he, too, breathed a sigh of relief. Not that he thought his father completely ignoring something that was the very essence of Blaine was good, but Blaine didn’t seem particularly upset about it. As he said, “If he doesn’t want to believe something doesn’t exist, for him it just doesn’t. That’ll actually make our lives simpler at least for now. I know this is only the first step, but as long as I can find a way to come out to my friends and I don’t somehow embarrass him….well, I’ll deal with that later. If it doesn’t touch his precious career then it won’t matter, believe me. And my mom? That was actually unbelievable! It was like watching a Stepford wife wake up to reality!”

The next day, classes were simply background noise for both of them. All they could think about was the few minutes in between when they could text each other. There was a new freedom to their relationship and the scariness had only increased, but still it was an even better kind of scary! They’d be seeing each other later that evening, again meeting up with Bryan and Finn for one of their dance classes. This felt almost as exciting as their first date! No, they couldn’t exactly act like a couple, but somehow the negative tension that had existed between them had disappeared.

As usual when their contemporary dance class was over they were famished and they could hardly wait to open the door to Breadsticks where the scent of freshly baked bread and Italian dishes only increased their appetites. “I think we might actually be getting better!” Finn laughed, looking over at Bryan, “Well okay, we’re not the Warblers in the dance department, but I’m pretty sure we might actually give you some competition next year!” “Just keep telling yourself that…..and I still haven’t heard you guys sing so….”While Bryan and Finn exchanged barbs, again, Kurt and Blaine were having a very hard time pretending like they were having a meaningful conversation. Every time their eyes met, they had to work at not smiling. And their fingers were laced underneath the table, sitting just a bit closer than they ever had in public. This was absolutely the best kind of scary!

In the car on the way home, Kurt was completely silent gazing out the window at the darkened sidewalks. “So what’s up, K? You’ve been acting weird all day! And don’t say it’s nothing….well, I guess it might not be any of my business…” he backtracked, realizing he didn’t want to hear any TMI about Kurt and Blaine. “No, it’s okay….just….” he couldn’t help smiling again, “Blaine came out to his parents.” “Woah!!! How’d that go?” “Hard to say, but he’s pretty relieved….well, we both are.” Finn was happy for them, especially for Kurt. As much as he didn’t understand what it felt like to be Kurt, he was pretty sure Blaine coming out could only be good news for him.

Kurt laid in the comforting dark of his bedroom unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep. Saturday seemed like it was light years away, the next time he’d have time alone with Blaine. He didn’t know what he’d expected to feel like after Blaine’s conversation with his parents. Yes, he was relieved and happy Blaine could now move on with his life whatever that looked like for a newly confessed 15-year-old gay boy (everyone’s experience was different), but the visceral response they’d both had tonight was almost overwhelming.

Every touch, every look was magnified, super-charged. His eyes kept wandering from the top of Blaine’s curly hair to his feet and back up again, soaking up his body like a sponge. And every time they spoke, it was almost impossible to make eye contact…but when he did look at Blaine’s face, his eyes inevitably fell on his lips. Almost like he was just now noticing them. Yes, everything had just gotten scarier. They’d been moving so slowly for so long that the idea of actually kissing him, of letting out even an ounce of the magnified passion he was feeling right at this moment, scared him to death!

Blaine wasn’t getting any sleep either. After he’d gotten home his mom was waiting for him, but not for the usual 20 questions about his day, his classes, etc. She wanted to talk some more about his latest revelation. She seemed a bit nervous, which Blaine thought was probably normal considering the topic and the fact that they rarely had conversations, much less meaningful ones. She asked him things like how he knew, what it felt like, when he thought he might share this with his friends, not an ounce of judgment. She was curious and wanted to be helpful, but this was so new to Blaine it was going to require some getting used to. And as welcome as this kind of conversation was for him, all he really wanted to do was be alone to think about Kurt.

Kurt Hummel, his first boyfriend! He hesitated to think his first love, but deep down that’s what his heart told him. And like Kurt, suddenly with all those physical desires that they’d been reining in for three months it felt like he’d grown a new skin. An overly sensitive skin that responded to every touch, even a glance, like it was being struck by lightning. Although he’d often thought about what it would be like to kiss Kurt, tonight it almost took on a 3D life of its own. He’d never been kissed except on the cheek. The idea of what it might feel like….and being that close to him….not just holding his hand….not just him arms wrapped around him…..he’d never get to sleep if he didn’t do something. At 15, he was no stranger to masturbation. And even though it wouldn’t remove the sensual images searing his brain, at least it would relieve some of the tension. He reached for the baby oil and prayed Saturday would arrive sooner rather than later.