CHAPTER 35 WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

CHAPTER 35 – WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

As he walked toward the media room, the entire house was still bathed in the soft lighting causing Kurt to feel like he was wrapped in a cocoon of….he thought for a minute, and the only way to describe the feeling was home. He put the thought aside, not sure how ready he was for that idea. He could hear what sounded like melodic chanting.

The walls and ceiling of the room were awash with what looked like stars and when Javi heard Kurt enter the room, he turned his head and smiled, beckoning him to join him on the couch. As Kurt got comfortable, Javi reached over and ruffled his damp hair. “Kurt, you look like an innocent little boy! But, of course, we both know from experience that you are absolutely no such thing. Maybe an angel with a bit of the devil mixed in?” Kurt slid over to rest his head on Javi’s shoulder and Javi reached around him, turning his face to give him a soft lingering kiss. When he opened his eyes, Kurt’s were still closed revealing his long, thick eyelashes and he kissed each of them, too. “Mi Kurtito, you have no idea how beautiful you are….” Kurt slowly opened his eyes, the color so deep blue, almost black, “Javi….I….I….,” he looked down at his lap, then raised his eyes again and said, “No one has ever created and fulfilled a fantasy for me like you did tonight…” “Tell me what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking right now, mi amor,” Javi whispered.

As Kurt leaned back on the couch, his head still on Javi’s shoulder, it took him a while to find words to describe his most intimate thoughts. “I feel….content….satisfied.. drained?….almost like we were in the same room together, no walls separating us…Mi corazon, I am so, so in love with you, but I know that truly loving someone and being in love are not the same thing. They may intertwine, but they are not the same. When you’ve talked about knowing each other from the inside out, and accepting what is in the other, that is loving someone. But, right now, being in love with you and only wanting more is where I am.”

Kurt felt Javi nod, “Yes, you have described what we have and what we hope to have perfectly, you are not only beautiful but very perceptive, mi amor. And I am deeply, passionately in love with you. There is no hurry to move beyond that. As you say, they are intertwined. We can learn about each other in a variety of ways simultaneously, true?” Kurt looked up at Javi and kissed his ear and his neck and rested his head again.

“And I love what I learned tonight….Javi, you are more attentive and creative than anyone I’ve ever known. You’re probably the most sensual man I’ve ever met. Thank you….that’s all I can say is thank you…” his voice trailed off. They held each other, absorbing the caress of the music and their hearts touching silently.

As Kurt came back to the moment, he asked, “The music, what is it? It’s so calming and inspiring is the only word I can think of.” Javi said, eyes closed, “It’s a Gregorian chant. What some might call church music, but it’s far deeper than that. Do you like it?”

“Yes, it’s haunting and kind of mystical???” He still couldn’t quite define the sound, just like he couldn’t quite define this whole night. Maybe neither needed a definition. “That it is, mi amigo. I grew up with it. It was my favorite part of worship services. That, and singing in the choir.”

Javi glanced over at Kurt, and glanced at the clock. “It’s past midnight. You must be tired. Shall we call it a night?” He wanted plenty of time for where this conversation was leading, but Kurt said, “Well, unless you’re ready to call it a night, I’m fine.” Javi nodded and Kurt curled himself back into the warmth of Javi’s body.

Javi picked up where they had left off, “I’m going to ask you something. If you prefer not to discuss it right now please say so. We have taken each other along many paths tonight, our senses and feelings are sated.”

Kurt smiled up at him and said, “What do you want to know, mi corazoncito?” He was a bit proud of himself as he practiced his Spanish on Javi

Javi smiled at the sweet way he had called him, “my tiny heart.” “Exactly, Kurt. Your heart, what do you believe in your heart?” Kurt was confused, “What do I believe about what?”

“What or who do you put your faith in? Who do you entrust with your life? What are your beliefs about where you came from and where you’re going in life?”

“Are you asking me if I believe in god?” “No! No! No! I’m asking what you believe about God or whatever you want to call what some call a higher power? Or do you trust in yourself or someone or something else?” Kurt was silent. He’d been asked this question before, but had never really thought about it much. He usually gave a sort of off-hand comment about finding his own truth or something equally vague. But this was different. Javi wanted a serious answer and he was again at a loss for words…seemed to be the night for that.

Finally, Javi said, “Would you like me to answer those questions about myself? It might help you. It is right for you to be at a loss for words because God or a god should bring us to silence. To try to define such a being is a very sobering task. Now, would you like to wait for another time?”

“No, Javi, I want to hear what you have to say. I have no place to be except with you. I’ve been waiting all week to be right where I am, with you. Getting to know all of you….there’s nothing else I want, so please continue.”

“Well…..,” Javi started and then stopped, “Stop me if you have questions, okay?” Kurt gave him a slight nod. “You know I grew up in the church, except in Mexico, the predominant church is Catholic. I was raised in what those in Mexico refer to as the Christian Church, with capital cs. To be raised outside the Catholic Church, at least in Quintana Roo…it wasn’t just a religious distinction, but a social one. Now that I’m older I realize that distinction is not really about God, it’s about making God manageable for us. It’s sort of like a doll house where you move people and things around to fit where you want them. I know it can be very confusing. But who I put my faith in, who I believe created me and guides my life, has nothing to do with making God manageable. It’s not about religious activities or reading certain books or singing certain songs or even attending church. All of these things can be important and beneficial to a person’s spiritual health, but none of those things are God.

Growing up in the Christian Church, at least the one my family attended, was steeped in rules about how to live our lives, and yes, those are beneficial, too….it’s so hard to put God into words. You see what I mean? Lots of people want to make it easier by applying their own humanity to God. Define Him in human terms and all you have is a CEO who micromanages the world. No, no! That is not God.

Javi grew quiet, and Kurt could see he was struggling, but he just waited. Javi sighed, “This is who God is to me. I call God He only because that’s what I was raised with, but God has no gender, he’s other, not human. He created me and, I believe, He creates everyone….and for a purpose or maybe many purposes, but He didn’t just toss me or anyone else into the world to sink or swim. I know the difference between right and wrong, although again, humans absolutely love to tell others what they should or shouldn’t be doing, and use all kinds of things to back up their judgments, and then say it’s God’s will or whatever you happen to call God.”

He took a deep breath. “This may sound strange, but for me, God is sort of like my ultimate life’s companion. I believe He is perfect and loving and wants what’s best for me in a world that says that’s what it wants for me, but for the most part only wants what they think is best for them, and then applies it to me and others. At least, that’s how it feels.”

“My family would claim to love me and want what’s best for me above all else….yet, they cut me out of their lives simply for choosing to do what I love, because they don’t approve. Even if the rest never speak to me or of me in public, I still have a sister who maintains contact when she can. Although they never say it and would absolutely deny it, she says they have to know I’m gay. Quintana Roo is not on another planet; what I’m doing with my life trickles back to them whether they like it or not. And even though I’m not officially out in Mexico, people only see what they want to see. Like I said before, as long as I am a productive commodity, those that govern Mexico will keep their silence.”

“They claim to believe in God, and yet act nothing like the God they believe in, at least towards me, and anyone else they might disapprove of. The God I know in here,” Javi put his hand over his heart, “does not create people and then throw them away. God does not hate me because I’m gay; gay is what He made me. He gave me the ability to choose my own path and whether that path is right or wrong to the world, He never deserts me or stops loving me.”

“I can’t explain how or why I know this. I can’t tell you why the world is the way it is or why there is so much pain, but I do know in whom and what I believe.”

“And part of that belief is music like this. Church attendance gave me this kind of music. At times, it has given me a family when my own had rejected me. It’s music I grew up with, that fueled and sustained my love of music, that created what I believe is my destiny.”

And then he was quiet. Wow! that was Kurt’s first reaction. Now, he understood what Javi had meant when he said they had to start at the beginning. For Javi, his faith in God was where he began and ended as a person. Kurt had no such certainty that he was aware of. So, he decided to ask some questions.

That steady gaze held Kurt’s, as Kurt said, “I don’t have that kind of certainty, Javi. It’s not something I’ve thought about seriously or very often. Church attendance for me was mostly weddings and funerals, and a few times I went with friends. So, give me some time to think about that before I answer. But, I do have some questions.”

Javi was completely silent…and intense, which Kurt hadn’t seen a lot of. “I’m basing this question on what I’ve lived, I guess. In Ohio, I must have heard the same 20 Bible verses quoted to me on both sides of the fence about being gay. And every person basically told me that what they believed was “the truth.” He put in air quotes. No one seemed to be able to give me a satisfactory answer to how you could have two or three versions of the truth in one book that’s supposed to be the complete and ultimate truth.”

Javi sort of smiled and shook his head, “I know what you’re saying. Try being part of that same group, hearing the same thing you were hearing, while questioning your own sexuality. Kurt, I don’t know that this is a very satisfying answer, but much of the Bible, especially the Old Testament is history, and those that wrote that history were writing from oral accounts from who knows how far back in time. Many Christians will tell you that the Bible is infallible, but as you say, if it is, how can you have so many versions of the ultimate truth? This is what I think. Humans were involved in the encounters they described as being with God; humans told the stories; humans wrote the stories. Do I believe God speaks, yes, I do, but that’s for another time. Any time you talk about people and God, no matter what you believe in, you’re going to have contradictions. That question drove me crazy for most of my teen years for the same reason it drove you crazy. The only difference was I couldn’t have a serious discussion about my sexual identity with anybody. Meeting Tonio helped a lot, but I don’t have all the answers or any of them sometimes.”

Kurt nodded, and found that in a way it was a satisfying answer. It told him that Javi was trying to be honest with him and with himself. He hadn’t planned on asking this question, but since he’d brought up Antonio, he decided to ask, “If you don’t want to answer this, it’s fine, but what did Antonio believe?” Javi laughed out loud. “Oh, mi precioso amor (my precious love), you can always make me smile! Hmmm, Tonio…well, he was raised Catholic, but his family was an exception to almost every rule I can think of. They had very strong faith, but they didn’t let anyone tell them what to think or how to act, and if someone did, they usually wished they hadn’t. Tonio believed that God was everywhere, which is why I think he lived his life so freely. He didn’t talk about God in terms of any religion, but he would be the first one to tell me if I could ask him that it was his own recklessness that took his life, not God playing with him, as some of our friends said. We had many exciting discussions about our faith, but we never interfered with what the other believed. That was Tonio, and someday I will tell you the story of his family as well, but not tonight…or this morning. Any more questions?”

Kurt said, “Not for now. I need to think about what you asked of me and what you’ve told me.”

Javi’s laughter broke the serious mood and he gathered Kurt up in his arms and kissed him with such passion he was sure he’d died himself and gone to….well, wherever god was. When Javi released him from the embrace, he stretched out on the couch laying his head in Javi’s lap. “Well, I do have one other question, What would God think of what we’ve done tonight?” Javi thought a minute and, yes, it was a legitimate question considering the taboos he and Kurt had lived with all their lives. He played with Kurt’s hair for a while and then said, “I honestly think God would be quite pleased! I’m pretty sure he had something to do with creating all that pleasure and joy! Don’t know that any of those people that like to spend their time quoting verses to us would agree, but I think God had everything to do with creating sex, in all of it’s wonderful forms, mi Kurtito!” And as he leaned down to kiss Kurt again, Kurt said, “Good! I think we should try it again, just to make him happy!” Javi tossed Kurt off his lap to the floor, laughing again, and Kurt laughed too, “Except this time I get to be the teacher!”

“Didn’t someone write a song…oh, yeah! I’m Hot for Teacher! There’s a lot of truth to that!” and Javi allowed himself to be pulled to the floor with Kurt.