CHAPTER 39 WHEN WE WERE 16

CHAPTER 39 – WHEN WE WERE 16

Javi knew the weekend was going to be intense and emotional for both Kurt and him, if he still planned to follow through with opening up about Blaine, so he asked Kurt if he’d like to go out to dinner again on Friday night. Kurt figured Javi had to know of some authentic Mexican restaurants, so they decided to go to Aqui De Texcoco. It had been a busy week, at work and school. He asked Adam for some advice on how to talk to Javi about Blaine, what to say, or not say? He was nervous, afraid he’d say too much or not enough or just mess the whole thing up altogether. Adam had already had this conversation with Ethan about Barry, but he was not Kurt. All he could tell him was to just let the words and feelings come. It was the only way. There was no script for this, no matter how many notebooks a person filled, and he had seen Kurt the Coordinator at work all week. He sighed; Kurt could be the most spontaneous person at times, but when it came to his feelings, especially after the final breakup? Well, he guarded them like they were the crown jewels. And that wasn’t a bad thing for a while, but it had been almost two years. Watching him open up to Javi was sort of like watching a flower blooming, a slow process until one day you hoped to see it fully allowing the sun to bathe it in light again.

Again, Kurt found himself studying the contents of his closet. Javi had chided him about dressing down so as not to clash with his own fashion statements. He’d laughed and told him that almost everyone clashed with what Javi might be wearing at any given time. Between his Mexican sensibilities and his love of bold, bright and flashy, it was inevitable. He thought maybe borrowing from the younger Kurt might relax him a bit. That Kurt had been a bit more playful with his wardrobe…and obsessed with fashion at the time. He moved the hangers around a bit until he found the dark blue button-up with flowing deep red lines adorning the shirt. He had a blue velvet choker to go with it. He tried it on and liked the effect. This way he could wear his shirt unbuttoned to maybe the fifth button? The choker drew one’s attention either to the V of the unbuttoned shirt or to his face. He felt a startle of surprise! It had been a long time since Kurt had cared what part of his body a person might be looking at. But the only person he cared about being the focus of any attention was Javi and looking as sexy as he could for him. Feeling or looking sexy had been so far from his mind for so long….He added a small heart-shaped pendant to the choker, anything larger would detract from the look. His white jeans to go with the dab of white mixed with the red on the shirt? He tried them on, added his black leather lace-up boots and a belt. This ensemble made him look taller and thinner, everything from shirt to boots looking almost tailored for his body. Yep! There was still a glimmer of the younger Kurt holding court somewhere inside.

When Kurt arrived at the restaurant, Javi was already waiting for him at the table they’d reserved. Kurt had never had authentic Mexican food. This place was small and decorated nothing like the Mexican restaurants where Kurt had dined in the past. In fact, if it weren’t for the delicious smells that said south of the border, it could have been any kind of restaurant. When Javi saw Kurt, he smiled at him like his whole world was walking toward the table. He got up and held Kurt’s chair for him. Kurt found this gentlemanly gesture so charming!

“Ah, un nuevo cuerpo celestial acaba de caer a la tierra!,” Kurt raised an eyebrow as if to say, “English, please?” Javi shook his head and laughed, “Sorry, sometimes I get carried away just looking at you. I said, a new heavenly body just fell to Earth. You look gorgeous!” He could say the same for Javi. He was wearing a light pink pullover shirt, displaying his muscular upper arms and chest to perfection. He wore suspenders in rainbow colors attached to a pair of tight dark blue leather pants and shoes to match. Those careless curls tumbled over his forehead revealing a strand he had colored dark pink. And somehow a hat of pale blue appeared to tie the look together as if the man had been gift-wrapped. Only Javi….and maybe Elton John….could carry this off.

“So, mi amor, are you hungry? I hope so because you are in for a treat for the taste buds.” Kurt let Javi order, not having a clue what he would have ordered for himself. Javi made sure that like Kurt’s coffee that was far from espresso, the food would not be too spicy, at least not the first time. When their meal arrived, Javi asked Kurt to taste it first. Kurt had no idea what he was about to eat, but whatever it was, just the aroma made him ravenous. Javi had been right, a treat for the taste buds. He closed his eyes, savoring the cuisine. When he opened them again, Javi was watching him intently. “Oh, sorry, just watching you eat….well, never mind…so, do you like it?” “Yes! What is it?” “Barbecued lamb, cordero asado. You’ve never eaten lamb have you?” Kurt laughed and said, “No, it’s not a staple in Lima. In fact, I doubt you could find it on very many menus in the whole state of Ohio!” As they finished the delectable fare, they decided against dessert, but finished with coffee flavored with cinnamon. It was still early in the evening so they decided to walk back to Javi’s even though it was a bit farther than their usual walks. It was the weekend, time to let go of the demands of the previous week and just “be” as Javi liked to say. As they strolled down the sidewalk, barely holding hands, it still amazed Kurt how Javi barely touching him like this could send the animated electricity up his arm traveling through his entire body. His mind was floating somewhere between the heavens and San Diego when in one swift motion Javi took him into his arms and propelled him backwards against a eucalyptus tree. Kurt was taken completely off guard when with urgency Javi laid hold of Kurt’s face in that way he had that was both forceful but gentle and kissed him, starting with just his lips until Kurt was sure he couldn’t stand another second of his taunting, not allowing Kurt to take the kiss further, and then just as urgently prying Kurt’s lips open with his tongue, touching the tip to first the roof of Kurt’s mouth, letting it play over his sensitive palate, then moving to the tip of Kurt’s tongue, again taking his time, just playing….then, gradually moving his body until it was flat against Kurt and with an almost desperate moan released the kiss to allow Kurt the freedom to return his ardor, devouring him like the flames of a recently ignited fire.

When they finally parted, Javi closed his eyes, opened them again and looked into Kurt’s eyes, “I have wanted to do that all night,” still breathless, “from the moment I saw you. Being away from you, even for a few days, sometimes it’s sheer agony. And this may not be the right time to say this, but how anyone could ever let you walk out of their life…..it’s beyond my understanding. And yes I know that’s the part of me that is deliriously in love with you speaking, but….”Kurt tilted his forehead until it touched Javi’s, still breathless himself, caressing his cheek with his thumb, and said, “I want to get this right…un hombre? tan dulce que…tengo (such a sweet man I have), it was exactly the right time. Talking about Blaine will never be easy, or I don’t think it will, but knowing that there is someone in my life who is so open, so honest with me, and passionate about me…I can’t begin to tell you how you’ve helped me start to free myself from the past. Oh, and you may always shove me against trees and kiss the very breath out of me anytime you like.” After standing in the twilight listening to the sounds of a San Diego Friday night for a few moments, Javi picked up his hat that had abandoned him in the kiss, and Kurt reached for Javi’s warm hand.

Soon, they arrived at Javi’s door, which he unlocked and then allowed Kurt to walk in first. Every weekend it seemed Javi changed the ambience of his home. Tonight, he’d lit each room just enough so that when he arrived home he could light strategically placed candles without having to turn on a single light. Each candle was symmetric with the others. Again, for Kurt’s benefit, he’d used vanilla and sandalwood. He’d arranged some delicate plants and baskets that would add, not detract, from the room’s own decor. The sound of the ocean through hidden overhead speakers spoke just loud enough to be soothing. As Javi got a Coke and Diet Coke for each of them, Kurt continued to wander through the living room and media room where he noticed Javi had placed small boxes of Kleenex; only Javi would think of such a thing. There were dainty crystal dishes filled with chocolates. He wondered if he did this for himself before Kurt had started spending the weekends. Being Javi, he guessed probably. Maybe he’d ask him later.

They took up their usual places on the couch in the media room, taking in the sound of the ocean, the scent of the candles, Javi’s head resting on Kurt’s shoulder as Kurt held him, just breathing the subtle fragrance that was all Javi. Once he felt relaxed, he took a breath and asked Javi if he was in the mood to listen. Javi looked up at Kurt’s angelic face, noting sadness in his eyes…and what he thought might be determination. “If at all possible, whenever you are in the mood to talk, I will be willing and able to listen, mi Kurtito.”

Kurt leaned over and kissed his curls and then his forehead, got more comfortable, then asked Javi if he’d watched the videos he’d given him. Javi simply nodded and Kurt said, “Good. I didn’t really think that’s how I’d feel about it, but I do. I sort of feel like we’re on an even playing field now. I have watched you and Antonio; you have watched Blaine and me. It makes it easier knowing what you saw. I was 16 when we met. I had changed schools in the middle of the year because of some problems I was having at McKinley. That’s another story that I’ll tell you some other time. Anyway, Blaine was the first person I met at Dalton Academy where I’d transferred. It was an all-boys school, very different from McKinley. It was absolutely love at first sight for me and Blaine was very outgoing. He made sure I met everyone and got me involved in their equivalent of Glee Club, The Warblers. Blaine was only 15, but he was the hottest guy at Dalton, gay or straight. Everyone loved him. We became best friends, almost inseparable. Neither of us had ever had a boyfriend. It wasn’t like Lima was overflowing with gays and even if it had been not many were out. Blaine and I were two of the few. We had fun singing together in and out of The Warblers, but still just friends. When the Warblers were trying to decide what songs to sing at Regionals, the first step towards Nationals, Blaine suddenly announced that he wanted to sing a duet with me, which shocked everyone including me. I was the new kid after all. In order to try out I had to audition, of course, and I chose Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Long story short, it was decided we would sing a duet. One night, Blaine met me to go over and practice the song he’d chosen. I was curious as to why he’d chosen me to sing a duet with, so I asked him.” Javi thought that sounded exactly like Kurt, straightforward. “I was shocked when Blaine explained his new feelings for me and then kissed me, my first kiss, his first kiss.” He stopped for a minute, trying to control his emotions, and grabbed a Kleenex. “Blaine….we were each other’s first everything.” He was quiet again for a while. Finally, he was able to continue. “After that, we were even more inseparable. I know now just how very young we were…” and then he sort of laughed, thinking he was only 22 now! “But then, we were each other’s whole world. Even when I left for New York, we were so sure nothing would come between us. Well, I was anyway. Being younger than me, Blaine was a bit more insecure, but we managed to hold it together even after I’d moved to New York, but not for long. Again, looking back, I can understand what happened, but…anyway, Blaine cheated on me, just once, but I just couldn’t handle it and I still can’t handle it. Well, actually, I won’t handle it. It’s just something I refuse to deal with. So, we broke up. But he was still my best friend, not just my boyfriend and not just my first and only lover. When I was back in Lima for spring break a few months later, we decided to try again. He would be graduating that year and was planning to move to New York. He’d been accepted at NYADA, too. By then, we were engaged.” Kurt stopped again and Javi reached up and cradled Kurt’s face in his hand, and just waited. “We lived together off and on in New York. There was so much to adjust to and I’d already been there for a year. Of course, it was nothing like high school. This is when real life met us head on. After a while, it felt like rather than working together, we were working against each other. I was struggling with becoming an adult…well, I guess we both were, but anyway, we decided to take a break from each other for a bit.

I had known Adam, my current roommate, for quite a while. He was living with his boyfriend, Barry. The apartment Blaine and I had been living in was in my name, so Adam told Blaine he could stay with them until he found another place or just stay because the place was certainly large enough. I thought it was nice of Adam, and it was. Blaine and I still saw each other and occasionally spent the night together or the weekend. I was sure things were heading in the right direction. I was starting to feel closer to Blaine again and I thought he felt the same. I’d never stopped loving him. We’d even started making wedding plans again. We’d gotten some counseling….” It was like Kurt was bewildered by the turn of events all over again, “I came home from work one day and there was a message from Adam. That in itself was strange, why didn’t he text me as usual? He said to meet them at their apartment. This was nothing new, we got together all the time for one thing or another. When I got there Adam gave me a look and asked me to have a seat. Blaine was sitting in one chair and Barry was sitting in another across from each other, looking anywhere but at Adam and me. Adam took my hand, which was really strange, then looked at Blaine and Barry and nodded. I just looked at all of them and felt my heart sink. Blaine and Barry told us that they had fallen in love, they hadn’t meant for it to happen….by then I was no longer listening. Adam was crying, I was crying, fuck! We were all sitting there crying. After a while I just looked at Adam, told him he could stay at my place and we left. The next day, he went back when Blaine and Barry were both at work, got his stuff and moved in with me. I never really talked to Blaine again, not that he didn’t try, like explaining would make it better and life would all be good again. I wasn’t going to repeat the same scene from earlier in our relationship. I never asked Adam if he’d talked to Barry again. I didn’t want to know. After about six months out of loneliness or who knows why, Adam and I attempted a romantic relationship. Of course, it went nowhere. We always ended up blubbering over the two of them. We never even made it past kissing. But had Adam not been there for me, I don’t know how I’d have gotten through it. When the school year ended, Adam and I decided we needed a change and you already know that part of the story.”

Javi remained silent, waiting to see if Kurt was finished and when he realized he was probably done talking for the time being, he sat up, took Kurt in his arms and just held him, the only sound being the gentle waves of the ocean. Finally, he let go, and let Kurt stretch out, laying his head in Javi’s lap. Without even being aware of it, he started massaging Kurt’s temples, thinking about what Kurt had revealed, and said, “May I ask you something, Kurt?”

With eyes closed, enjoying the feel of the massage and the comfort of Javi’s lap, he said, “Of course. If you didn’t have questions I would have to wonder why. I’ll try to answer them…although I can’t guarantee I won’t start crying again.” Javi looked down at him, “You’re not Mexican; you’re allowed to cry,” he said trying to ease the feeling of heaviness that surrounded them. “I tried to tell my father once that there was more strength in a single tear than there was in the supposed bravery of burying your true self. I’m not sure he even understood what I meant.”

“Anyway,” Javi continued, “why didn’t you ever talk to Blaine again? Wouldn’t that have helped you to move on?” Kurt sighed, “He’d cheated on me once and I didn’t want to hear I’m sorry from him, even once more. I knew he was sorry. I knew he hadn’t intentionally tried to hurt me. Nothing he could have said would’ve changed anything. Talking to him, well, actually listening to him, would have just opened the wound again. I had nothing to say to him. He knew the one thing that I hated above all else was infidelity….and this time it wasn’t just once. He was having an affair with Adam’s roommate. God! It sounds like a bad plot for a soap opera. What was he going to say, I’m sorry I hurt you again, I’m not really in love with Barry, let’s try again Kurt? There was no point in putting myself through that again.”

Javi nodded, and understood that Kurt had just revealed a very important part of himself, not just something he would never tolerate in a relationship, but a piece of Kurt’s own foundation. Loyalty, honesty, respect….these were all a part of what made Kurt Kurt.

Then Kurt asked, “How did you and Tonio feel about infidelity? How did you deal with it?” Javi let his mind travel back in time, recalling the many conversations they’d had about cheating. Tonio would live with nothing less than fidelity in himself and in Javi, and he had been just as adamant on the subject. Of course they knew that living on the road and working in the music industry would try their resolve almost daily, but as far as he knew Tonio had never crossed that line and Javi hadn’t either. He remembered Tonio saying something like if a person said “it’s just sex” as an excuse they were lying. Sex was never “just” anything. Even a one-night stand said “you and you aren’t important to me!”, meaning the person you were cheating with and also the person you supposedly loved. It said you didn’t even respect yourself enough to do what was right; it said what I want in the moment is more important to me than us. They had even discussed specific temptations each had had and with whom. Tonio was always so passionate about everything; he even called himself a diva! He’d once said something like, “I expect you to be tempted, Javi. Even if we lived a normal life we’d be tempted. But I’d rather have you go into intimate detail about why a certain person attracts you! I’d rather hear that from you than that you gave in to it. Even our temptations can work to our advantage as long as we talk about them.” And strange as it sounded, they had worked to their advantage. Fantasy was an integral part of their love life. He told Kurt about the conversations they’d had, the decisions they’d made together, all of it.

Again, Kurt was a little stunned, although he wondered why. Antonio and Javi’s relationship was decidedly unconventional. He tried to apply those scenarios to him and Blaine. Might it have worked for them? Could either of them have ever been secure enough in themselves and what they had together to deal with the many temptations that had come their way in the way Tonio and Javi had? It was pretty hard to imagine, but he could at least imagine it with Javi because of what he knew about Javi’s beliefs and desires on the subject.

“Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I could have done something to change….what happened. Even though Blaine was the only person I’ve ever loved, I know problems in a relationship are rarely one-sided. I wasn’t the easiest person to live with, I’m sure. I could be too controlling sometimes. I know I expected things from Blaine that in my heart I knew he wasn’t ready for. We did really try to be truthful with each other, but there was a lot between us that was left unsaid, out of fear? Insecurity? Some sort of power struggle? Even now…..Javi? I’ve spent two years letting go a little at a time. I just wish I could either find some of the answers or put it to rest!”

“Oh, mi amor!” What was Javi going to say? He decided to make a suggestion. It would be up to Kurt to follow through or not…and maybe it wasn’t going to help, but he determined it wouldn’t hurt and said, “Kurt, you’ve been torturing yourself for two years with these questions. This may not be the answer to any of your questions, but have you ever thought that now would be a good time to finally talk to Blaine? After so long, both of you probably have a different perspective. Blaine’s in another relationship and you are, too. And where and with whom the blame lies isn’t important anymore. What’s important is that you at least try to get some answers, even if you don’t like them or believe them. As you say, Blaine was your entire world. At least think about it. The decision is yours of course.”

Kurt let his mind return to Lima and the place that he and Blaine had had so many important discussions, the Lima Bean. He tried to imagine them having a rational discussion over what had been and their views on what had gone wrong…or even after this long, what had gone right. What could it hurt? Well, it could hurt, but with no possibility of them ever being a couple again, maybe he really would get some answers. He looked up at Javi and gave him a faint smile.

It was late and he was exhausted. He reached up and touched Javi’s curls and Javi quietly slid down on the couch so that they were facing each other. Javi gazed into those eyes that defied description. They were still shiny with unshed tears. He reached over and with his thumb gently wiped the tears away, then closed Kurt’s eyes, and kissed his eyelids. He drew Kurt toward him and cradled his head on Javi’s shoulder, got comfortable and then laid a hand on Kurt’s cheek. “Oh, mi amor, mi hermoso Kurtito (my beautiful Kurtito), rest your head and your heart in their new home.” Their bodies relaxed into each other’s arms, their breathing slowing until they were asleep.