CHAPTER 41 IMAGINATION/SAN DIEGO ZOO

CHAPTER 41 – IMAGINATION/SAN DIEGO ZOO

When Javi wandered into the kitchen, he found Kurt frying eggs and bacon, making pancakes, wearing a pair of sweats, no shirt and an apron around his waist….nothing says domesticity like your boyfriend in an apron! He was totally unaware of Javi’s presence. Javi leaned against the fridge and just watched him for a few minutes, his mind wandering to their discussion the night before. Even though he would never, ever change the wonderful fact that Kurt was now in Javi’s life, his heart still broke for the circumstances that had allowed it to happen. What he told Kurt was true; he couldn’t imagine anyone letting this man walk out of their lives, but then their relationship was only a few months old. Every day he was more and more in love with Kurt, but he would never presume to tell him he loved him until they’d traveled down this road with a few bumps and small collisions; you really didn’t begin to know a person until you’d had your first argument. He tossed the thoughts of arguments aside, and continued to watch Kurt, until he turned around and saw Javi standing there. Javi’s heart skipped several beats…it was like seeing him that day when they planned to go to the park and Kurt had been completely unaware of his approach. He’d suddenly spun around and smiled at Javi like there was no other person in the world who could make him that happy; like they were in their own sacred space created just for them. He closed the distance between them, not even trying to conceal his feelings for Kurt so obvious on his face. Javi embraced him and just held him close. When they finally let go of each other, Javi kissed Kurt as he put down the spatula and returned the kiss, wanting to be nowhere other than right here forever. “Kurt, my wonderful, beautiful, unimaginable Kurt…there really are no words for how I feel about you, you have stolen my heart and my mind. It almost hurts the way I want you in my life….completely in my life. That is my greatest wish, mi amor.” Kurt kissed him again and held him, knowing just what he meant because he was feeling the same. At times it almost made him cry. And he could have stood there all day just holding Javi but he broke the mood, and said, “I hope you’re hungry, el unico hombre en mi vida! (the one and only man in my life). “Ah, Kurtito, I love it when you call me names in Spanish!”

Javi looked around the kitchen, laughed and said, “What have you been doing this morning that made you so hungry, mi Kurtito, hmmm? Mi abuela’s apron becomes you!” Kurt looked down at the frilly apron around his waist and said, “Obviously, you need some new ones, Javi. If I’m going to cook without a shirt on I need something to cover my upper half, too.” He was completely serious and Javi laughed again. “Now why would I intentionally buy something that would cover your upper half or your lower half for that matter?”

As Kurt continued to finish up cooking their breakfast, Javi asked if he could help, so Kurt gave him the simple task of setting the table and getting out some milk and orange juice. As hard as Javi had tried, he never could get used to drinking anything but cow’s milk. Almond milk, soy milk? Why bother. He helped Kurt bring their enormous breakfast to the table and then they each took a seat. Before Javi started choosing what he wanted, he bowed his head, whispered a few words under his breath, crossed himself once and then started moving plates around, pouring milk and juice and looked up at Kurt, exclaiming, “This looks like a gourmet meal, mi Kurtito!”After they had each filled their plates, enjoying what Kurt had prepared, Kurt glanced over at Javi and said, “I notice you always say grace, but you never ask me to join you. Why is that, mi amor?” Javi took a moment to swallow and as if he were concentrating on something as serious as finding the solution to world hunger, was silent. He caught Kurt’s gaze and shrugged, “It’s something I grew up with. It stems from the belief that God provides everything and thanking Him or talking to Him is as natural as breathing for me. Tu hombre de mis suenos (Man of my dreams), you aren’t sure what you believe yet. I would never be so presumptuous as to ask you to participate in something that means nothing to you right now. Talking to God should never be forced on anyone for the sake of habit or propriety. When you discover what you believe, then you may join me if you choose to. Until then, I will never expect that of you.” Javi went back to taking a bite of his pancake and Kurt nodded.

“And speaking of mis suenos (my dreams), did you really create that whole scenario, that incredible fantasy in your head? It was something you’d never done before?,” this time it was Kurt’s turn to shrug. “Yeah, it was fun! It all started with the song and…developed from there, I guess.” “So, let me get this straight, I know you had a busier than usual work and school schedule this week. I know you had what you were going to tell me about Blaine on your mind, and knowing you, there was something to write down your thoughts right beside you to make sure you got it right. You also said you were thinking about telling your parents about us sometime this week or next. So, you have all of these significant and emotionally charged ideas roaming around in that beautiful brain while keeping up with work and school, and you’re telling me that listening to U Got My Love launched that intricate fantasy into a reality? All at the same time…..”

“Well, yeah, I guess so. Why?” Javi shook his head in amazement, “you really don’t have a clue about how talented you are! Incredible! Let’s see, you sing like an entire choir of angels, you make dancing appear to be effortless, you’re an accomplished actor, not even out of school yet, you’re a fashionista, you worked for Vogue.com, am I right? and you have an imagination that’s always tuned to “on” even while all that life can throw at you is swirling around….could you paint the Sistine Chapel in your spare time if someone asked you to?”

Kurt looked a bit puzzled but chuckled and asked, “Why, are you asking me to? Does it need repainting?”

Javi put down his fork and looked deeply into Kurt’s eyes, “Mi amor, Dios mi! It’s no wonder you don’t know what your passion is, what you want to do with the rest of your life….you have more choices than anyone I’ve ever known! With your imagination you could become a writer, a playwright, a producer, a director and that’s just in California! That fantasy….you had to coordinate the timing to go with the instrumentals and lyrics, you had to be able to ad lib when necessary, you didn’t know what I was going to say or do! Like asking me if I was wearing underwear….what if I hadn’t been? You had to plan for that and I know you did. You had me in the palm of your hand…and believe me that rarely happens to me…..your timing….you had to be able to stop the action, so to speak, because I KNOW you know just how close I came to truly letting you take me over the edge…you had to know how to contain…el fuego que somos nosotros!” Javi hshook his head, “Sorry, the fire that is us! If that was as you put it “just something you made up in your head” you’re saying no one taught you any of that, right?”

Kurt finally realized how serious Javi was and moved his napkin out of the way, “I mean my past experiences fueled some of the ideas, of course…but no, I suppose no one really taught me how to put it all together. It just….the ideas are just in my head and sometimes they appear out of nowhere…sometimes fully formed even, I guess….sometimes prompted by, say, that song. Geez, I don’t know Javi. Whatever it is, it just seems like it’s always been there.”

“And listening to Tonio and me sing that song, discuss the song….none of that bothered you even a little?” Kurt looked up and said, “No, it really didn’t. That was then, almost another lifetime really. Even though Antonio will always be with you in some way, isn’t that normal? And you had a very public life together. It’s not like I can pretend it never existed. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t escape it as long as I’m with you. Your career now was built on Mateo then. To most of your fans you will never be just Javi, you’ll be Javi from Mateo. I saw that in some of the interviews. I’m assuming that kind of bugs you sometimes. And I’ll be honest, after I got used to it, I liked watching you three together, even knowing your back story with Antonio. It was fun to watch the interaction and even the deep connection you and Tonio had on stage because it told me you were capable of a relationship like that. Do you know how rare that is? I’ve never met anyone like you, who thinks like you, who wants to love like you, Javi. You and Tonio were extremely lucky to find each other, I think. And had that relationship never happened, you and I would probably be having a very different experience with each other.

I agree with your fans, that song is decidedly hot, as in capital HOT! This is how I see it from the outside looking in as a fan. Women and girls love you because you’re the sensitive, sweet, happy and often intense guy, you move like you’re making love to your mic stand….we’ll talk about that some other time,” Kurt smiled, “Antonio’s persona is very intense, but totally different from your intense. His intensity takes the shape of, for lack of a better way to describe it, making love to that piano like he’s in a love/hate relationship with it. He’s got a fury about him, like you said, he’s like the sun! He’s got that bad boy vibe going for him. Then, there’s Rodrigo in the middle. It sort of feels like he’s a conduit of some sort between the two of you. He appears as if the phrase “still waters run deep” was coined just for him. You take a song like U Got My Love and put it in the hands of that combination? Tell me that isn’t the stuff of fantasies? There are a million ways to turn it into all kinds of fantasies!

It was a simple song, but you really did prove your versatility singing it. And once it got in my head, well, like I said, the whole fantasy just sort of arrived….naturally? That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s kind of like I was thinking if I was going to arrange a song like this and then make a video of it, this is how I would want it to sound and this is how I would want the video to go….I don’t know how to explain it, Javi! But no, I’m not jealous of Antonio at all.”

They sat in silence for a while, thinking their own thoughts, then cleared the table, put most of the dishes in the dishwasher and washed what was left. When that was done, they plopped down in their usual places on the couch in the media room. As much fun as they’d had earlier, both were still a bit stunned by what had happened, what might have happened and both wondering if they’d always have the inner strength and will to stop, as Javi had put it, “the fire that is us.” Finally, Kurt took Javi’s hand, kissed his fingers and asked, “Did I take it too far?” He didn’t have to explain what he meant. “I don’t know, mi Kurtito….I really don’t. I have to admit I’ve never lived out that particular fantasy. On the other hand, so much of my relationship with Tonio was living out fantasies. Even our livelihood was like a fantasy at times, especially in the beginning. Of course, we dreamed of becoming famous and all that comes with that, but we could never have imagined what life had in store for us. When we were in the stage of our relationship where you and I are now, of course, Tonio and I came very close to the edge, and in a way that’s half the fun, but it certainly wasn’t easy to stop. I suppose in a way Tonio taught me how to do that, too. As you say, he was intense and very good at controlling every area of his life, even though it may not look that way when you watch him perform. Between what I learned from him and my upbringing…well, it’s why I rarely lose control of my thoughts or actions.” He sighed, “I guess if you’re asking me a question like, could your fantasy have easily gotten out of hand, I’d have to say, of course! That can happen with any fantasy. So much depends on where a person is at emotionally at any given time. This morning, I believe we were feeling especially close to each other, heart to heart I mean. You had just opened yourself up to me about the most meaningful relationship of your life….how it started, how it progressed…and sadly how it ended. I felt so honored that you chose me to share Blaine and all he meant to you and will always mean to you to some degree. Yes, we were both vulnerable. You wanted to be closer to me, I wanted to be closer to you. This is what I think, does not mean it is true, but it’s the way I see it. Because you planned that fantasy so well and because you have an innate ability to….how do I put this?….control the inner workings of your imagination? Somehow that I’m not even sure I understand, you knew how far to take me…and how to stop me….you knew I would never, ever force you to do anything…never, you do know that, si?” Kurt remained silent and slowly nodded, trying to hold Javi’s gaze. “Most of the time I am very much in control of my feelings and actions, even when those feelings are as strong as what I feel for you. My point is, as long as one of us is able to control the situation….that is all we need. Because just as you know I will never, ever force you, I know the same is true of you about me. I absolutely know that here and here,” he touched his head and his heart, “if you can say the same, then we will be fine, mi pequeno amante, mi hermosa amante sexy (my little lover, my beautiful sexy lover)….Javi encircled Kurt in his arms and kissed him softly, lovingly, and then whispered, “and if you ever do that to me again I may have to kill you!”

They both laughed and Javi said, “So! It’s a beautiful day in San Diego, what do you want to do?” Kurt asked, “You really want to know? I mean really?” ” Well, of course, unless it involves jumping off a bridge or playing chicken in traffic or…” Kurt stopped him and said, “I want to go to the zoo.” “What? You’ve never been to the San Diego Zoo? I’m pretty sure any San Diegan who’s not been to the zoo goes straight to jail! What kind of Californian are you anyway?”

Javi got up, gave Kurt his hand and pulled him off the couch. “So! Let’s go play with the animals, mi amigo!” Javi had warned him that there was no way they could see the whole zoo, much less visit all the attractions in one day. Tourists often came to San Diego for a week just to go to the zoo. The weather was typical San Diego, blue skies, warm but not humid, a little bit of smog, but not much. Sometimes Kurt wondered why people didn’t flock to this city to live. He still found himself comparing it almost daily to New York. By now, fall would have fully arrived, heading into winter. Halloween was only two weeks away! His favorite holiday. As busy as he’d been lately, he’d still taken the time to decorate the loft with Adam, Ethan and Javi’s help. That evening had been so much fun! Adam was still a bit star-struck, but Javi was trying so hard to make him feel at ease. He’d answered most of Adam’s questions and had even let him listen to his new release that no one else would hear for at least another month.

Javi had been right, of course. By the time the zoo closed at 6 they had seen only a small fraction of the acres and acres of animals, their habitats, the plants and attractions, but they’d be back. The zoo was open every day, rain or shine, including all holidays. And Kurt had needed the exercise. It had been sporadic for the last few weeks and he really needed to get back into a routine. Javi did have a gym and weight room at the house. He promised himself he’d start taking advantage of it. Then, he smiled to himself….that had just provided the hint of an idea for yet another fantasy…if nothing else life with Javi would never be boring, but he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if both of them being such creative people would somehow negatively affect their relationship. He had no proof, but over the past two years he’d wondered if that had been one of the things that had driven him and Blaine apart. He knew the only way to get some answers was to talk to Blaine. The whole idea made him feel cold inside, but after this long surely they could have a civil conversation. He knew he was still living in New York or at least he had been right before he and Adam had moved. He still had family in Lima. He’d have to think about it some more. Maybe over the holidays? He was sort of hoping to take Javi back to Ohio with him over one of the holidays, depending on his own work schedule. He’d be making some personal appearances in preparation for his new release and next tour starting in November. His birthday was in December. They’d have to discuss the whole idea soon. And he’d have to tell Burt about Javi very, very soon. As always, he was wary about how to tell his family about his new relationship, not because they wouldn’t be happy about it, but because he was always afraid he’d get the conversation all wrong.

And was taking Javi home and meeting with Blaine at the same time a good idea? Yeah, in some ways, probably a very good idea. No matter what happened he’d be there to listen and help him through whatever emotions that conversation might produce. He tried to push the thoughts to the back of his mind. Right now, all he wanted was to immerse himself in the time he had with Javi in the present. The future and its many questions would arrive soon enough.