CHAPTER 43 ALL TIED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO

CHAPTER 43 – ALL TIED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO

Kurt was stretched out on a lounge chair on the screened-in porch, a cup of coffee beside him.  He was awake before Javi which was unusual.  He’d fallen into a very sound sleep after Javi had returned to his own bedroom, but had been awakened by that damn dream; Antonio and Blaine arguing.  It was ridiculous, considering the circumstances.  Blaine and Antonio would never meet, not in this life anyway.  He knew he wasn’t going to be able to let it go and fall back asleep, so he’d gotten up, taken a shower, threw on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and here he was.  Listening to the birds, enjoying the feel of shorts in late October.  The shower had helped dispel the cobwebs of the dream and his mind had turned to last night…well, earlier this morning.

He was still marveling over the fantasy world Javi had created.  A world Kurt had never visited but certainly wanted to return to in the future….he’d go back there right now if he could!  That had to be the hottest sex without actually having sex in the “traditional,” sense he’d ever experienced, was that really the word to describe it?  He doubted sex would ever be traditional with Javi.  It was like his body had disconnected itself from the control center in his brain.  It was like every nerve ending had been on high alert.  All he could do was feel; he couldn’t think, he could barely speak, all he’d wanted was for it to go on forever while wanting it to end at the same time.  And when it had ended…his whole body had been shaking, like his brain and his nerves were trying to unscramble themselves to regain control.  Javi had discovered and explored areas of his anatomy so sensitive that pleasure and pain combined to leave him begging for more, yet hoping he wouldn’t die before it ended.  And the way he used pressure in varying degrees to control and inhibit Kurt’s ability to move…. he loved it when Javi kissed him like that, mercilessly, relentlessly until Kurt could barely breathe, but had never seriously considered what it would feel like if he did the same to Kurt’s body.   He’d felt just as Javi had described him, helpless, powerless, totally vulnerable, defenseless to stop Javi from having his way with him and he’d loved it, every hot moment of it!  

No one had ever even attempted with him some of the things he and Javi were doing for and with each other.  He had to laugh; they were actually having as much fun trying to find ways NOT to have sex in the “traditional” sense. And it could all be applied to their future love life.
Since he only had he and Blaine’s love life to compare it to, he remembered they had actually had what he considered great sex.  He had never felt dissatisfied or unloved that he could remember, but, he wondered for the first time, had Blaine felt that way? Why had that never occurred to him?  Sometimes it had been so difficult getting Blaine to open up about his feelings and it wasn’t for lack of trying on his part.  But was it maybe for lack of understanding why Blaine might have felt that way?  He didn’t know if this was something he necessarily needed to talk to Blaine about, but he added it to his mental list that was growing so long they’d need a week to get through it all.  

He felt Javi’s arms encircle him and he raised his head only to have Javi lean down and tenderly kiss him good morning.  As he sat down in the lounge chair next to Kurt’s, placing his cup of espresso on the table, he said, “What’s on that beautiful mind of yours, mi poco amor? (my little love)”  Kurt smiled, “You, always you, Javi, mi amorcito.”  Kurt didn’t want to get into a discussion about Blaine right now…and he had been thinking about Javi….his abilities? his imagination? his body? his kisses?… It didn’t matter, any and all of that was a far better topic to start the day with as opposed to the past.

“I was thinking about earlier this morning,” he didn’t want to say last night because that brought back the whole crying thing over Blaine.  Not only did he not want to start the day discussing that, he didn’t want to think about it either.  “At the risk of sounding naive, where did you learn to do that….I mean the whole pressure thing, the finding places…..how do I say this?  Places so sensitive on my body that even I didn’t know they existed?”  Although he tried not to show it, Javi was delighted, in fact ecstatic, with starting the morning this way!  He liked Kurt being inquisitive about anything.  It told him not just how interested Kurt was about everything in the world, but that he wasn’t afraid to ask, which made it easier for both of them to learn about each other.  He really hadn’t expected this so he took a few moments to gather his thoughts.
“I’m sure you’ve at least heard about bondage, as it applies to sex I mean, am I right or no?”

“Yeah, of course, but I always thought of it as something kinky or….I don’t know, abnormal??”  Javi laughed and said, “Oh, Kurt!  Sometimes you make me smile all over!  Here we are two gay men, living in the US, where not too long ago both of us were considered abnormal simply by virtue of who we are, what we are, discussing what’s kinky and abnormal?  We were considered kinky and abnormal, and to some we still are….so…”

“Alright, I get your point.  I’m pretty sure Tonio has something to do with my questions and since I’ve already told you I have not a jealous bone in my body about him, please, I’m curious!  I may or may not have told you earlier that that was probably the hottest….non-sex? I’ve ever had!  In fact, trying to have a rational conversation about it….well, let’s just say I’d rather be doing than talking, so can we get back on track before I decide to skip the discussion and ask you to give me another demonstration right here on the patio?…because if I were to do such a thing, I’d have to ask; you’ve already proven that you can make me do anything once you get me where you want me…and god! I don’t even care that you might have that kind of control over me!”

“Wow!  No, no, no, mi amor, you could have stopped me at any time; I would never take you anywhere you didn’t want me to.  Um, before I decide to skip the discussion myself and “force” myself on your tantalizing body again, I’ll try to answer your questions.  As I’ve said before, the story of how Antonio acquired his knowledge is a story all by itself, and not really relevant to the questions.  Of course, some of it was from the internet, though that kind of info wasn’t as readily available then…and from books, THAT was readily available, a bit from porn, but that really wasn’t our thing, for the same reasons it wasn’t really your thing…too impersonal, fake, no real feelings involved?  We did have a very few gay friends, that was a source, although bondage isn’t really gay specific.  The rest was just learning by doing.  

“You’re very attentive, Kurt.  From the very beginning that wonderfully analytical mind of yours was gathering “intel” about me, about us.  In fact, if you could carry a notebook around and write down all the details of how I’m kissing you and what you like or don’t like about it…?”  Kurt threw a spoon at him and Javi couldn’t stop laughing.  Finally, he took a breath and said, “Seriously, Kurt!  You miss nothing.  That was evident from that shower fantasy!  I told you, you have some innate ability with timing in particular and how to apply what you learn to your abilities!  If you think about it, there was a bit of bondage in your fantasy!  Yes, think about it now, please, so we can get this discussion over with and move on to the lesson plan!  Okay, I’ll stop…for now.  Anyway, bondage has its degrees.  It can be playful like what I did…it can be somewhere in between…it just depends on what you like and the way to learn what you like is by doing.  It’s not about crazy people with whips and chains getting off on pain, unless that’s your thing, of course.  But most people, I think, use it as a source of variety.  The best way to learn about pressure, as you put it, is to spend time just exploring a person’s body and discovering what they like or don’t like or kinda like and you have to be secure enough with each other to not take it personally if someone doesn’t like something you’re doing.  And books and the internet can be very helpful.  In fact, I think that is an excellent idea for our next….escapade?  I don’t know about you, but I’d love to spend a few minutes, or hours….or days…..exploring your body and of course you exploring mine….I can tell you hate the idea…okay, let’s just forget it….” Kurt tackled Javi where he lay on the lounge chair, settled himself so he was looking into those chocolate brown eyes, then lightly touched the tip of his tongue to Javi’s lips, easing them open, and whispering, “Javier. Ramos. Ruiz..will you come out and play with me?”  He barely touched his tongue to Javi’s urging him to allow him to draw his tongue out so that only the tips of their tongues were touching, Kurt lightly encircling Javi’s tongue with his own, their lips not touching…yet.  As Kurt slowly caressed the underside of Javi’s tongue, Javi moved closer, barely nibbling the tip of Kurt’s tongue, and as Javi reached for Kurt’s face, Kurt did the same to Javi.  As their lips met, Kurt again whispered, “Javier. Ramos. Ruiz…will you let me in so I can play with you?”  Still holding each other’s faces, they shared a long, lazy, sensual kiss. 

“Kurtito, if you only knew how much I love it when you say my name like that, it gives me chills….you’re saying so much more than just my name…you’re speaking to my identity, to who I am to you, not just what I do for a living.  So many things I want to say to you right now, but I can’t, not now…but for the future.  Just know that all of you and all of me is right here,” and he placed his hand over his heart.  Kurt took Javi’s hand and placed it over his own heart, then placed his hand over Javi’s, “I know, mi Javito, you don’t have to say anything, I know.”  He laid down on the lounge chair next to Javi and their conversation meandered as they enjoyed a cozy morning of coffee and the view of the yard with its pool.  

Kurt sighed and looked over at Javi.  This man, whether he knew it or not, was saving Kurt’s life.  Not in the sense that Kurt had ever been suicidal, but instead slowly drawing him out of the quagmire of pain and ennui that his life had been for so long.  Kurt reached for Javi’s hand, kissed the palm and his fingers, then placed it over his heart again.  Javi glanced at Kurt, then asked, “What is it, mi amor?” Kurt looked so pensive.

“I’ve decided to call Blaine tomorrow before I call my dad.  That way I can be sure of what the plans are for the holidays, if Blaine even wants to meet with me.”  Part of him almost hoped he wouldn’t, but he knew better.  “I want to get it over with so it isn’t hanging over my head this week.  I refuse to spoil my favorite holiday and the sooner it’s done, the sooner I can stop agonizing over it….and I’m asking you to be there with me when I call him….please.”  “As in the same room, beside you?”  Javi enquired.  “Yes.  It may seem strange, but if you’re there it might stop me from saying things I may regret or that I should save for our future conversation.”  Javi nodded, “I will always be there for you wherever and whenever I can, Kurt, always.”  Kurt kissed him on the cheek and settled back into the chair, he felt better already just knowing that.   

Both reluctant to leave this peaceful time and place, they lingered, not surprisingly dozing off to sleep again; they’d gotten very little sleep the night before.  Suddenly, Kurt startled and almost sat up, then fell back onto the chair.  “Kurt, are you okay, what is it?”  Kurt took some deep breaths, tried to clear his head and in a tense voice, murmured, “That dream….that stupid dream”  Javi knew what he meant, he didn’t have to explain it.  Kurt had told him all about it and the significance repetitive dreams had in his life.  He’d never told Kurt that the dream worried him.  
Although he was far from psychic, he had his own history with dreams, especially when they involved Tonio.  For many years after his death, he hated those dreams.  They only reminded him of all that he’d lost.  After a while though, he’d come to realize that Tonio only came to him in dreams when something of import was happening or was about to happen in his life.  In fact, Tonio had visited his dreams more than once during the months before he’d met Kurt.  He rarely understood the meaning of those dreams until something happened.  In his dream, Tonio always met him onstage, in front of a crowd of Mateo fans screaming for an encore, Tonio, Rigo and Javi holding raised hands as they always did at the conclusion of a concert.  Tonio would take Javi’s hand and as they stood there in the midst of the crowd, he would look at Javi and smile and kiss him – that never happened in front of a crowd!  Then, Tonio would walk backwards off the stage, smiling and waving at them all, never looking away from Javi, but leaving him there alone (always alone, where had Rigo gone?) to sing Todo Cambio (Everything Changed).  Sometimes the dream would end there or it would end when he finished the song.  He sort of understood parts of the dream now. Tonio felt free to leave Javi onstage because someone new was taking Tonio’s place on the stage of his life, Kurt.  The song spoke for itself.  When Kurt arrived, everything had changed.  At least that’s what he thought Tonio had been trying to say.  

But what was he trying to tell Kurt? Or Blaine?  He wasn’t sure at all.  There were a million reasons why he might be arguing with Blaine, but every reason involved Kurt in some way.  Laying here analyzing it would help no one though.  He simply took Kurt into his arms, soothing him with quiet words until Kurt sighed again, “I know this sounds ridiculous, but I know I have to try to clear the air with Blaine, if for no other reason than to rid myself of this dream.  I don’t understand it, but I know it means something.  What do you think it means, Javi?”  Javi was as clueless as Kurt, “I don’t know any more than you do, mi amor.  I only know that Tonio appears in my dreams occasionally, and although I’ve learned not to ignore them, the meaning rarely becomes clear until later, after something has happened…sometimes just before.  Has Blaine ever appeared in your dreams before?”  “Yeah, but I can’t say that it’s ever really meant anything that I’m aware of.”  Kurt had calmed enough to come to the same conclusion Javi had.  Laying here trying to analyze it all would do no good.  Right now they were here, in each other’s arms, content, with the gift of an abundance of time wide open before them.

“I’m hungry; let’s go to After the Bars Close!”  Kurt said.  Javi smiled, “Nothing like non-sex to work up an appetite!”  

It was around 1:30 when they got to the restaurant and as soon as they walked through the door, the familiar smells reminded them of just how hungry they really were.  After waving to a few friends, they found a small booth, Karen, their favorite waitress taking their order.  “Just a little hungry are we boys?”  She smiled, leaving them with a wink.  Kurt reached for Javi’s hand, “Yes, I am in more ways than one!”  Javi loved it when Kurt took the initiative in any way, it was always a surprise and delight.  “Hmmm….I’m sure we could manage to squeeze in a few tutorials on the fine art of touching…for both of us, of course…..I’m sure you have some inspiring….handiwork? to share with your class of one, that being me.”  

As they were eating, Trace stopped by the table, and they invited him to sit down.  Kurt was still amazed at how many friends he’d made since meeting Javi.  Not just acquaintances, but friends.  Trace liked to share fashion ideas with Kurt, and with Javi, too, but Kurt was someone new.  He also liked shopping at the Boutique Magnifique where Kurt worked.  Kurt could always be counted on to help him choose clothing and accessories.  He invited them to a pool party later on; they were celebrating his partner, Darren’s, new job.  They decided it was a perfect way to spend the rest of the afternoon and told Trace they’d see him there.  Just by virtue of living in California, Kurt was becoming less body conscious.  Maybe it was the culture or the weather or who knew what, but most everybody dressed in as close to nothing as a person could get when the opportunity arose.  Pool parties were definitely one of those times.  There were even a few nude beaches in the area.  Javi had attempted getting Kurt to go with him to one nearby, but it was just too soon, so Javi had let the subject drop.  Someday….  Here he was going to a pool party at the end of October; his life had changed so very much in just a few short months and he had never regretted leaving New York.   

They had indeed enjoyed the afternoon with everyone who showed up at Trace and Darren’s place.  Even Ethan and Adam had been there!  Adam and Kurt didn’t see much of each other these days, but neither were terribly bothered by it.  They were happy, certainly happier than they’d been before arriving in San Diego!  It was a good opportunity to catch up.  Javi no longer felt he needed to spend all of his time with Kurt at social gatherings.  Not that he didn’t want to, he didn’t need to.  Kurt was comfortable with everyone it seemed and Javi knew it was good for him to let Kurt be himself.  This would be important during the times when Javi was out of town, much more than he had been recently.  

Adam sat down on the edge of the pool beside Kurt, handed him his Diet Coke, and asked, “So much better than New York, doncha think?”  Kurt raised his Coke and said, “Here’s to pool parties in October!” and they both laughed.  They made some small talk and then Adam asked if Kurt had plans for the holidays yet.  Kurt was quiet for a moment and then told Adam he planned to go back to Ohio with Javi, and he also planned to meet Blaine.  He’d decided Javi was right; it was something he needed to do if he was ever going to really put Blaine behind him.  Adam told Kurt how happy he was to hear that, “And if all you accomplish is yelling and screaming at him for the asses he and Barry were, at least you’ll have gotten it out, I imagine after 2 years of buildup it would feel really good!”  Kurt laughed, trying to picture himself making a scene like that at The Lima Bean. 

“Actually that might be kind of fun, but all I really want are some answers to questions I should have asked back in New York, although I’m not sure I would have listened then, it hurt too much.”  Adam just nodded.  “Yeah, maybe when you get back we can compare notes on what Barry told me and what Blaine tells you.  By now I’m hoping we can laugh about it.”  Although they hadn’t seen each other a lot lately, Adam was still Kurt’s best friend and he’d been asking some of the guys about Javi; sure, he seemed like a really nice person, but Adam didn’t think he could bear to see Kurt go through another relationship that might end in pain, not again.  From what he’d learned, Javi was indeed as nice as he seemed.  He was friendly with everybody, but had never dated anyone in San Diego that anyone knew of, though not for lack of trying by probably half the guys here.  Javi had been looking for Mr. Right again for as long as anyone could remember.  He’d confided in very few of his friends here, but what he had told some of them was that since he lived in San Diego for a good part of the year, he didn’t want to start a relationship there because if it didn’t work out he didn’t want to be reminded of it when he was “home.”  Apparently, either he thought Kurt was Mr. Right or he’d decided Kurt was the exception to his rule.  Whatever it was, they were plainly very much in love.  Kurt told Adam he planned on calling Blaine the next day and Adam wished him luck, then said, “And you don’t have to give him my best regards!” they both laughed, which Adam thought was a definite plus!  As he and Kurt stood up, Kurt said, “Well, I guess I better go find my man before someone else decides to take him home,” to which Adam replied, “Yeah, well, someone may try, but from what I’ve seen he only has eyes…and everything else…for you, Kurt!” and walked away smiling.

After they got back to what Kurt was starting to think of as home, they took showers and met as usual in the media room.  Javi knew the next day was going to be difficult for Kurt, or he assumed it would be.  He wanted to give him every chance to talk about it again, but Kurt didn’t seem so inclined, so Javi just followed Kurt’s lead.  He had been teaching Kurt some of his songs in Spanish and Kurt seemed to really be enjoying it.  He’d even caught him a few times with headphones on trying to sing a song in Spanish while following the English lyrics so readily available on Google and Youtube.  Javi could have given him those lyrics, but he’d discovered long ago that the best way to teach someone anything was to let them learn in their own way, unless they asked for help.  He liked to watch videos of some of Javi’s performances and he seemed to choose songs to learn based on that availability most of the time.  He assumed it was because among other things, Kurt was a visual learner most of the time.   The song he was working on right now, Amar de Verdad (Truly Love), was one of what Kurt called his “happy” songs. He had released and performed it as a duet with one of his favorite singers, Sandoval. When Kurt had chosen that song, he said he really liked the lyrics.  It was almost eerie that it had been released less than a year before he met Kurt…and the words fit them so perfectly.  He loved to tease Javi about his “fountain of hair” in the video, to which Javi always replied he’d be happy to do the same with Kurt’s. Kurt also loved the official video depicting hetero, gay and lesbian lovers.  He knew that this was Javi’s way of coming out a degree at a time.  Other songs he’d written contained lyrics aimed at his feelings about acceptance of all love.  One of the first things Kurt had asked Javi was why Mateo and Javi sang so many sad songs.  Javi had said jokingly that that was the only way Mexican men could cry, but at times he wondered if there wasn’t some truth to that. 

Kurt always asked Javi to sing the songs with him so he could get a feel for the Spanish inflections.  So, that’s what they did while munching on Halloween candy.  They sang whatever song Kurt wanted to work on.  In the back of Javi’s mind he had a picture of them singing together on stage, but he hadn’t brought that possibility up to Kurt yet.  It was too soon, and besides, he knew he’d have to pick and choose which venues to do such a thing.  Never, never in Mexico, not even Mexico City, not even Monterrey.  He knew their feelings for each other would be too obvious and Kurt was used to being “out.”  He would have no idea how to hide his feelings on stage in a situation like that.  For Kurt, being out was the norm, not the exception.  He’d even considered having Kurt sing the songs in English while he sang them in Spanish.  Just some ideas….in the meantime he was going to enjoy this time with his sensitive lover who had the voice of an angel.

It was about midnight when Kurt finished what would be their last song for the night.  Javi took his hand and said, “Mi Kurtito, I could sing love songs with you forever, but we both need some sleep.  I promise, I won’t ask you to come out and play tonight, but that’s a promise I don’t plan on making very often,” he smiled.  Kurt leaned over, kissing Javi, and saying, “Oh, but what if I want to come out to play?  You would deny me?”  Javi touched Kurt’s beautiful face and said, “Oh, mi amor, I will never deny you unless it’s for your own good.”  To which Kurt replied, “And who says you’ll always know what’s for my own good, mi oh so sexy Javi?”  

As they wandered back to the bedrooms, holding hands, Javi turned to Kurt, holding him close, and whispering, “Tomorrow, Kurtito, after you make your calls, after you set your course, I promise I will be available to play allllll you want, for as long as you want, in any way you can imagine and perhaps a few you haven’t….now, get some sleep.”  Kurt smiled at him mischievously, “Will you tuck me in at least, read me a bedtime story?”  Javi sighed, “Now who’s being incorrigible?”  He kissed Kurt one more time and they parted, Javi hoping that Kurt would not be troubled by dreams.

AMAR DE VERDAD – SAMO AND SANDOVAL

Since I saw you in the distance
I felt something was going to happen
But I never thought that my soul was going to give up
It seemed that I already knew you
Without knowing you knew
What I always dreamed of
And without words you made me understand

That love (that love)
It has no space or time and it is something
That breaks the silence

And your hands
They caressed me and erased the past
And with a kiss I felt that in
Your lips I can live

This time my surrender is total
Because you are my other half
And with you I really want to love, oh oh
Oh yeah

I know the wait was long
But it was well worth acknowledging
That your love makes me grow
Time will go on and you and I will discover
The secret of becoming one
Every night and every sunrise

I will love you (I will love you)
Without fear I can tell you
That I will never fail you

And your hands
They caressed me and erased the past
And with a kiss I felt that in
Your lips I can live

Your hands
They caressed me and erased the past
And with a kiss I felt that in
Your lips I can live

This time the delivery is total
Because you are my other half
And with you I want to love
With you I really want to love
Oh oh oh
I really want to love