CHAPTER 46 – MEXICO

CHAPTER 46 – MEXICO

Tomorrow Javi would leave for Mexico. He’d provided Kurt with a hard copy of his itinerary, just to be on the safe side. He was just old enough to remember what it was like before everyone basically carried a computer in their pockets. They’d talked at length about how they would keep in touch. There was only a one-hour time difference, San Diego one hour earlier than Mexico City. Because Javi would be the more mobile one, he would call Kurt in the evening, text when he could and they would decide as the days played out what would be a good time to Skype.

Javi had prepared what they called their Invasion of the Body of Snatchers kit, the name a carryover from when they had first devised a creative way of living out their fantasies, all because Kurt found no real fulfillment in solitary masturbation. Javi still remembered how happy he’d been when Kurt had opened up to him about his dilemma. Javi admired Kurt’s courage, his ability to be straightforward about any number of sensitive topics. He carried with him his favorite pics of Kurt, especially the ones Kurt had allowed Javi to take of him, Kurt being contemplative, Kurt being silly, Kurt being sexy, and some candid shots on his phone that he really loved. There were various toiletries, candles and oils, most vanilla and sandalwood scented, some other scents that Kurt liked, cinnamon, roses. He had a variety of Kurt’s clothing, anywhere from shirts to underwear; anything with Kurt’s scent on it. He also had some more videos that Kurt had given him at his request and Javi was rather surprised he wasn’t more reluctant to do so after his reaction to others viewing Le Jazz Hot!

Of course, Kurt had all that he needed right here and at the loft. Javi had offered to let him stay at the house whenever he wanted while he was gone. And besides he needed someone to water the plants and he liked the idea of Kurt being there, making the place look lived in. Usually when he left in the fall for Mexico, he’d sublet his house just so it appeared occupied. And for the time being it was occupied, and so was Javi; he was memorizing everything he could about Kurt, from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet while pretending to watch TV. The first time they’d be apart, not just overnight in the same city or state for whatever reason, but in completely different countries. And Kurt was doing the same as they attempted to watch Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. Kurt had loved the original Mamma Mia! but he couldn’t keep his mind on the plot. Finally, they looked at each other, shrugged, and gave up.

“Well, this isn’t working is it? Maybe we’ll try again when I get back.” Kurt nodded, stretched out on the couch and laid his head in Javi’s lap. “What videos are you planning to take with you, mine, I mean?” Kurt asked, trying to make conversation while really wanting to know the answer. “Let’s see, I think they were Lucky Star, Some People and I’m the Greatest Star…and maybe one other, but I can’t remember.” In reality, Javi had already watched them, more than once, and was taking them just so he could really study them, and with that in mind, he attempted to open up a conversation about what had happened on Halloween….not after the party, although he wouldn’t mind talking about that at all, but about Le Jazz Hot! and what Adam had said that Kurt felt he had to think about, hoping Kurt would want to tell him.

“And speaking of your videos, if you don’t mind telling me, what was it that Adam said? That you have to think about, I mean.” Kurt remained still and absentmindedly reached up to play with the loose ringlets falling across Javi’s forehead as he looked down at Kurt. “He thinks I’m letting my problems from way back in grammar school forward hold me back. As he put it, I’m letting them win, I’m letting them rob me of my self-esteem, that I’m giving them exactly what they want, or words to that effect.” Javi stroked Kurt’s cheek, “And what do you think, mi amor? You’ve told me about some of the bullying you dealt with….maybe not all of it, but if it was anything like that whole mess with Dave whatever-his-name-is, it would surprise me if you weren’t still struggling with it. You’re only 22, a very mature 22, but still…it hasn’t been that long ago.” Kurt sighed, “Yeah, I know. I did go through some counseling for it; well, actually I went through quite a bit of counseling, but again, Lima wasn’t exactly inundated with counselors and psychologists specializing in sexual identity and how to deal with the haters.” He placed his hand on Javi’s and laced their fingers. “But it’s a little late for that, doncha think?” “Like I said, you’re only 22; it hasn’t even been 10 years in the past. Do you really want to know what I think?” Javi didn’t want to offer an opinion if Kurt wasn’t ready or really didn’t want to hear it. Kurt thought for a minute, then said, “Yes, I really do, because I know whatever it is you’d never try to make me do anything I don’t want to.” Now here was some progress! Kurt honestly trusted him.

“Okay, mi amor, this is what I think. I think there’s some truth to what Adam said, but not having lived your childhood and beyond, what you do or don’t do about it is up to you. I can tell you that once I’d been in Mexico City and living with Antonio for a while, I realized I needed some help. It wasn’t so much that I’d dealt with bullies; it was that my sexuality wasn’t even acknowledged, which in some ways told me that I wasn’t even being acknowledged as a person. Even though I didn’t really know at the time what it was that made me different, that placed me on the outside of their lives, I wasn’t unaware of how others were feeling or acting toward me. If my family or anyone would have known I was gay, and I’m pretty sure some did, there was no way they would have said, “Oh, that’s okay, Javi…well, Javier….we love you for who you are not who you’re attracted to!” Javi’s voice had risen, and, yes, it still upset him! He tried to rein it in so he could get his point across, “I needed to get all of that anger…that repression…the lack of compassion…all of it! I needed to get it out in the open and examine it so I could finally accept myself as the person I was, not the person no one wanted to recognize as worthy of their affirmation. It was like an ever present undercurrent, we know what you are and that’s not acceptable, and if it’s not acceptable, it doesn’t exist in our eyes. So, I found some help! If I’d never left Quintana Roo and moved to Mexico City I’d probably still be who knows where wondering who knows what about myself! You’re in California now, Kurt. Probably the gay psychology capital of the world. If you can’t find what you might need here, ya know?”

Kurt had never seen Javi so vehement about anything except possibly that he would never take Kurt to Mexico with him! But then it was something that had deeply affected and defined both of their lives. Kurt was fully aware that he was just as capable of being straightforward with others while often hiding from himself. He sat up on the couch and enfolded his Javi in his arms and for a while they just held each other in silence. When Kurt felt Javi relax, he let go, and for Javi what seemed like out of nowhere asked, “Mi Javito, when did you know what your purpose in life was?….How did you know?” Kurt almost sounded …frantic? Like he was afraid if he didn’t ask the question now, he might never get another chance. Javi thought it might be because they wouldn’t be together almost every day for the first time since they met; he was feeling sort of lost, too….half a continent away….Javi really had to think before answering. It wasn’t like you suddenly got an engraved invitation telling you that you’d just been summoned to make an acquaintance with your life’s purpose or purposes. In fact, sometimes you didn’t even realize what you might be doing was your life’s purpose until you were already doing it.

“Oh, mi, mi, mi Kurtito…I don’t know that I have a very good answer to that, but I’ll try. Despite the many emotional issues I grew up with, one glorious constant in my life was music. My whole family is very musical and I was probably singing from the moment I could talk. Mi papa was a choir director for three different choirs in and around Quintana Roo and I was a part of all of them at some point or another. And then there was school and church. In our church we sang almost everything, hymns, prayers, sometimes even parts of the sermons. Singing was sort of the fabric of my life! It’s how I learned the meaning of joy! I don’t know that I knew as a child that I was destined for a career in music, but it didn’t take me long to figure out as I grew older that I couldn’t spend my life in Quintana Roo. If I knew anything it was that I’d wither and die there. Yes, I probably could have made a career there just like mi papa did, but I knew even then that I was different. I wasn’t destined to make my life in the church, any church….I knew what I believed was rooted in the church I grew up in, but I had too many ideas and thoughts that differed from their doctrine…and being gay? Even though I wasn’t sure about that yet or at least wasn’t ready to acknowledge it myself, Quintana Roo was where I grew up, but it wasn’t home to me. I’d already started taking my music beyond the church and the choirs without my family knowing. I was singing backup vocals at 15. That’s when I started meeting people who lived a completely different life in music than I did. They introduced me not only to every kind of music I could imagine, but also to people who I knew were like me, although they weren’t out any more than I was at the time. It was almost like living in a secret society or something. Anyway, I managed to hide all of that from my parents for two years, but of course, when my father found out, he told me I had to stop or I would have to leave, those were my choices. I didn’t even have to think twice; I moved in with some other musicians, managed to finish school, and left for Mexico City the day after I graduated, me and some of the friends I’d been living with. And you know the story of how I met Tonio and how Mateo was born. So, I don’t know that I was really aware that music and entertaining was my purpose, or one of them, until I was in the midst of Mateo. After Tonio died, I knew I couldn’t give it up. I do remember if I said only one prayer growing up it was that God would show me my way, and especially after I realized Quintana Roo was not my home, not really. I hope that helps.”

Kurt gave Javi a smile and laid his head back on the couch, “I guess I have more than enough to think about while you’re gone. Much as I hate to admit it, I do think you and Adam are right, or at least right enough that I should seriously consider finding a counselor. I hope you have some suggestions. And maybe somewhere in all of that, my purpose in life will magically show itself! And….okay, I’m going to ask this and it sounds kind of….oh, I don’t know, ridiculous…but who or what do you pray to when you don’t know what you believe? Seriously, I know I believe in a higher power but, what do I call it?”

“Kurt, you don’t have to call a higher power anything! I don’t always address God as God. Sometimes just saying something as simple as “Show me the way” is a prayer. If you really believe that someone is listening, then that someone will hear you and sometimes that someone will answer you in any variety of ways, not just in words…in fact, rarely in words. It’s like developing an inner sense of that someone. Tell me, what kind of religious education did you have?”

“If you’re talking about formal education, I took a semester of Comparative Religion in high school. That’s about the extent of it. We were taught about the different religions, their history, their doctrine, nothing very in depth, but enough to….well…compare them. Like I said before, I went to church with friends sometimes, and of course weddings and funerals, but all of that was Christian. What I mean is I have no experience with other faiths.”

“Well, start with where you’re comfortable and with what you know. And if you’re curious about something outside of that, use the resources you have. The internet, books…there are all kinds of religious organizations here that are gay friendly. Many of our friends live faith-based lives, Kurt. I’ll give you some names before I leave if you want. They can probably help with finding a counselor, too. I think I have more friends who’ve needed one at some point than those that haven’t.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Javi said, hoping to take their minds off of his departure, “The sun will be setting in a couple hours and I know the perfect place to watch it!” As soon as the picnic basket was filled with their usual snacks and drinks, they called a taxi and 10 minutes later they were sitting on a cliff overlooking one of the many splendid San Diego beaches. There was a slight breeze, the temp was in the 70s and they were lying on a blanket looking up at an almost cloudless sky.

Do you know what I’d probably be doing right now if I was still in New York?” “Wishing you were in San Diego?” Kurt laughed, “Well, probably! If I was outside at all I’d be wearing a sweater at the very least, maybe even a coat and I wouldn’t even be thinking about watching the sun set. I might be in Central Park, but more likely I’d be taking the subway going somewhere to meet friends. Or I’d be inside watching movies or doing homework.” “That doesn’t sound particularly awful, mi amor, I’m sure New York has something great to offer! If it didn’t, why would so many people live there?” “Oh, it’s not that it has nothing good to offer, but San Diego has more of what I think I need,” Kurt said, reaching for Javi’s hand, “And New York can be pretty depressing in the winter.”

Javi propped himself on one elbow and turned his full gaze on Kurt. “Do you know what this reminds me of, Kurtito? Remember the day in the park when we first met and we used our fingers to demonstrate the different sides of a relationship, the physical and the mental, emotional and spiritual?” How could Kurt forget! It was one of the most sensual experiences of his life! “Hmmmm……I’m not sure…would you mind refreshing my memory?” Javi looked at Kurt as if to say, “What am I going to do with you?” and then said, “Well, since you’re not sure I suppose I’ll have to teach you all over again….you know how I hate repeating a life lesson…but okay.”

Kurt sat up on one of the cushions they’d brought along, his legs crossed. After they were comfortable, Kurt said, “Eyes open or closed?”

“We’ll start with eyes closed, I think.” Javi whispered, “We start with the frosting..” and using all of his fingers, he began to explore Kurt’s face, starting at his brow, outlining his eyebrows with a single finger, moving to his eyelids, then his eyelashes, brushing them lightly, as Kurt sighed blissfully. As he knew he would, he was discovering subtle nuances to Kurt’s perfectly imperfect face, and even his body, though his fingers were only traversing his face. He now intimately knew the dark circles that formed under his eyes when Kurt didn’t get enough sleep, the way his lips could express his mood, the dimples he unsuccessfully sought to hide when he tried not to laugh, what his tears looked like as they clung to Kurt’s eyelashes when he attempted to blink them away. He knew the direction in which he tilted his head to kiss, how Kurt rarely kissed him without wrapping some part of Javi’s body in his own, how his long fingers instinctively reached for Javi’s hair, playing with the curls, or how he’d play with the earring Javi wore, the one with Kurt’s initial on it. As he reached the dimple in Kurt’s chin, he wanted to do nothing more than kiss it, then scatter every inch of his face in kisses, but he refrained, continuing his exploration of Kurt’s ears, tracing the letter “J” on his earring, slowly moving down his neck until he reached the sensitive hollow at the bottom of his throat. He kissed one of his fingers and applied it to that spot with just a touch of pressure, lingering there just long enough to hear Kurt’s muffled whimper. “Open your eyes, mi Kurtito.” Kurt slowly opened his prismatic eyes and as the light from the approaching sunset struck them, Javi recognized the color of undisguised desire.

As Kurt reached for Javi’s fingers, maintaining a steadfast gaze, he brought his fingers to his lips and kissed each one. “Javi….I…,” Kurt was unable to continue, he felt like his heart was stuck in his throat. “Now, it’s my turn…I get to lick the spoon…and think about what’s different this time. Compare it to the first time and let your mind’s eye guide you.” Javi closed his eyes and Kurt smiled down at his lap, he gets to lick the spoon…like two kids trying to claim the prize. He started with Javi’s hair, combing his fingers through the midnight blue curls he adored, moving close enough to kiss him. He took a deep breath and steadied himself and as he lightly marched his fingers over Javi’s face, he let his breath out lightly, while continuing his exploration. He touched Javi’s chin, running his fingers along the slight stubble, noting the difference between how it felt and how the soft skin of his nose and his brow felt. His fingers wandered over his eyelids, his lashes, his eyebrows, then moving lower, touching his lips, lingering there, reminding himself of how they felt on his own. He sensed more than heard Javi’s sigh as he fanned his hands out over his cheeks, then drew his fingers along Javi’s jawline, caressing each side, and now he understood what Javi meant. Javi’s lips, the last time they’d done this, he had no idea what those full, flirtatious lips could do to his own, to his heart, to his mind, to his body. Now, he knew the way Javi spoke with his entire being, how his eyes laughed, cried and changed color as well with a shift in mood. How he was completely at home in his body, loving himself inside and out, and not even a bit afraid of letting it speak to the world around him. The way he could more often than not intuit what Kurt needed. The way he would sometimes bite his lower lip when he was deep in thought. The sadness that revealed itself when he’d look to the ceiling, then look to the floor, especially when he talked about his family. He used his index finger to lightly tug on the earring that mirrored the one he wore, the only difference being the initial that dangled from it. He ran his finger down Javi’s jawline on that side, then stopped at his chin, tilting his head so he could see his profile, tracing his silhouette from his brow back to the chin, feeling Javi shiver, as he said, “Open your eyes, mi corazon.” Javi took Kurt’s fingers and opened his eyes, knowing exactly what Kurt was seeing, wanting to make love to him right there on a San Diego cliff as the sun set. What they saw in each other’s eyes was more magnificent than any sunset, but with effort he redirected Kurt’s attention to the magical vision of nature and they sat quietly while the sun continued its descent.

“And now for the cake, how do you feel about spice cake?” “What????” Kurt laughed. “Spice cake! Don’t you think that fits us? My brown skin, your snowy white skin? You combine us, throw in some cinnamon, maybe some nutmeg, a little ginger, cloves? Don’t you think that describes us well?” “Sure! why not? Better than fruitcake, I guess!” Kurt continued shaking his head.

“Okay, so in the time that we’ve known each other, what have you learned about me that works well with your idea of a foundation?” “You mean other than you’re a bit spicy? Okay, alright, let me think for a moment. Um…you’re honest and you don’t try to sugarcoat things. You pay attention…sometimes almost too much, but that’s not always a flaw. You’re not afraid….well, of most anything as far as I can tell, with the exception of taking me to Mexico. I guess that just makes you protective. You’re loyal, or so it appears to me. You respect yourself and you respect other people no matter what, unless you believe they don’t deserve your respect, and you don’t back away from confrontation. You love being creative. You’re compassionate. You love life, all of it, and you don’t want to miss any of it.” Kurt stopped and waited for Javi to say something.

“Wow! I’m a pretty fantastic guy! I’ll wait until after our first fight to ask what you’d like to remove from the cake. We could argue about something now and get that part over with! I could wrestle you to the ground and sit on you until you get frustrated enough to hit me or something. Okay, I’ll get serious again, although I really wouldn’t mind wrestling you to the ground….oh! don’t arch your eyebrow at me…” Let’s see, you’re way beyond creative, I can’t think of a word big enough to describe all of your talents. You aren’t afraid to ask questions or take risks if it means you’ll learn something from it. And you’re honest and loyal, too. You’re adamant about fidelity. I love that. I know I can trust you with who I am. You’re not overly impressed with “Javi” the celeb, although you should be! Okay, alright! You’re respectful, polite, sensitive. You’re not afraid of being alone. By that, I mean you’re okay with solitude. You want me and need me, but you’re not needy. You’re not manipulative. You make me feel secure in our relationship.”

“Hmmmm…., you really see all that?” Kurt asked, sounding a bit uncertain. “Yes, mi amor, I really see all that…..I think we might be baking a very edible spice cake. And speaking of edible, remember the frosting? It’s time for me to lick the spoon,” Javi pushed Kurt to the ground and sat on his stomach and laid siege to his mouth, coaxing Kurt’s tongue between his lips, then into his mouth, slowly and smoothly sucking Kurt’s tongue as Kurt relaxed and wrapped his arms tightly around Javi’s neck, sighing, his moans low and responsive, wanting more….so much more….and Javi was determined that he would have it, that they both would have so much more….He reluctantly ended the kiss, but not before they’d tasted each other lips a few more times…..”Kurt, we missed the sunset.” Kurt looked around like he’d just awakened from a dream and looked into Javi’s soft brown eyes, “I don’t think we missed a thing, mi bebe.”

They called a cab, grabbed the picnic basket, folded the blanket and were ready when their ride arrived. It was a little after 7 when they got back home. Kurt had finally given in and started calling it home, rather than the house or Javi’s place. It was home as far as they were concerned. They finished what was in the picnic basket for dinner, checking to make sure Javi had everything he needed for his trip waiting in the living room when Javi said, “Oh! I forgot one thing! Kurt, would you mind helping me?” Kurt followed him back to his bedroom to get whatever it was he’d forgotten, but when he opened the door the room was dark except for the lighting provided by flameless candles scattered here and there, giving the room a sense of warmth and calm. The bed was covered in a dark blue down comforter, scattered with yellow rose petals, the remaining roses in two vases on one of the dressers. The light rose scent filled the room.

There were grapes with slices of apricots and tangelos in small covered dishes on each nightstand. “Javi…? You’ve recreated…..” “Yes, mi amor, I tried….I wanted to give us something special to remember until I’m home again….” Kurt was afraid he was going to cry, whether from the surprise or all they were feeling over being away from each other, he didn’t know….”Oh, mi Kurtito! Don’t….why are you crying?….” but he didn’t wait for an answer, he took Kurt in his arms and silently held him, until Kurt’s emotions were under control again. How he adored this sweet, sensitive man!

“Come, get comfortable, mi amor,” and as Kurt lay down he realized his head was resting on one of the pillows from that memorable night, blue silk and red velvet. He relaxed into the comforter, looked around the room again and then closed his eyes. After Javi had laid down beside him, he cuddled next to Kurt’s side and sighed contentedly. “Tonight is about us, but you start, please. I want to see how much you remember,” Kurt smiled in the semi-darkness. “Don’t lie to me, mi chiquito chico (little boy), you’re not good at it, ya know. You’re just waiting to turn the tables on me…” “Oh, maybe,” Javi said, having no such thought in mind, “but you’ll never know until you try….or we could just watch some T..” “Oh shut up,” Kurt stopped him, kissing him slowly but firmly while unbuttoning the flowered shirt he wore until Javi lay with his chest bared. Kurt sat up and drank in all the beauty that was Javi. He wanted to ravage his chest with his kisses, with his tongue, his fingers….but if he’d learned anything in his time with Javi it was that patience and waiting were just as much fun as letting your emotions run wild. He closed his eyes and allowed his mind to return to that night….employing all the senses….and as Kurt searched his memory, Javi opened his eyes just enough to watch him. He tried not to move a muscle, luxuriating in Kurt, his unbelievable, beautiful, sexy Kurtito, conjuring up ways to do nothing but bring him pleasure…and he would, oh, he would….Kurt reached for the dish with the tangelo slices in it, removed the cover and took in the citrusy aroma. He took Javi’s fingers in his and shifted his body so that they were laying face to face. Kurt again closed his eyes and breathed in the tart scent and holding it between his fingers let Javi do the same. He lowered one end of the slice to Javi’s lips, tracing them with it, gently squeezing the tangelo until a few drops of juice trickled over his lips. Kurt took the slice of fruit between his teeth and then gently used his index finger to probe the underside of Javi’s lower lip, drawing it downward while caressing it with the bit of fruit. Javi drew Kurt’s face close to kiss him as Kurt captured Javi’s mouth and bit down on the sliver of fruit releasing the juice onto their lips and their tongues, tasting the flavor as though it were their own. Suddenly overwhelmed with yearning, Kurt also took Javi’s face into his hands, holding him still as he moved the fruit to a safe space in his mouth, and kissing him open-mouthed with such ferocity he couldn’t think; all he could do was feel. And Javi was responding, knowing he shouldn’t…..his mind surrendering to his body, to Kurt’s body….and then just as suddenly Kurt with herculean effort fell back on the bed, trying to control his breathing once more. Javi knew Kurt was lying there silently condemning himself. When Kurt’s breathing came back to normal, Javi propped himself on one elbow and turned Kurt’s face to his, “Look at me, mi amor, please….please, look at me.” Finally, Kurt raised his eyes to Javi’s and started to say something, but Javi stopped him, “No! I won’t let you beat yourself up over this. We’re in this together. Maybe it’s just too much emotion; we’re heading into the unknown, ya know? Come here,” and he took Kurt into his arms and then let him lay his head on Javi’s shoulder. Saying nothing, they took in the calm atmosphere again, the candles, the sense of peace, the comfort of laying together. Javi reached for a handful of the yellow rose petals and let them fall over Kurt’s body.

“Oh, mi beautiful, caressible Kurtito….there is so very much I want to say to you…I don’t know where to begin,” but begin he did. “What we talked about today. The things that are creating our foundation, and yes, we are creating a foundation. I will never ever tell you something about us, about you, that I don’t believe to be true. You are everything I said you are and more. We crossed a bridge today, the first of many I hope, I believe. I know I can trust what you told me about myself, what you see in me, those things that are important for you. And I know how frustrating it is to hold ourselves apart, physically and emotionally. I want to give you every bit of me every single moment and oh, how I want every single bit of you, especially right now when we are so vulnerable.” Javi leaned over and kissed Kurt’s forehead and as if he’d just thought of something, he reached for the TV remote and said, “I want to show you something. This might give you some insight into….us. Why, “us” is so important.”Javi turned on the TV and brought up Youtube. Kurt remained silent, just watching Javi and moving closer, wrapping his arm around Javi’s waist. “I want you to listen to this song, the lyrics. It’s by a Christian artist, but the ideas apply to us or anyone trying to build a good relationship. There is Christian ideology in the verses, but whether you believe anyone ever died for you, it doesn’t matter. The point is that what Jesus taught was all about what real love is and what the price of trying to love that way can be. The truth is he did die for what he believed in and taught. I sing it occasionally in concerts because I love what it says, and after Antonio was gone, as sort of a tribute to him, although I was the only one who knew that. Please, just listen.”

Don’t Say I Love You Too Soon

Kurt closed his eyes and concentrated on the song. It was haunting; the lyrics gave him chills. Javi played it twice, not saying a word. When the last notes had faded and he’d clicked the TV off, Kurt looked up and saw that this time it was Javi who was crying. Kurt sat up and tried to kiss his tears away. “Talk to me, mi amor. Tell me what’s on tu corazon (your heart).” When he was finally able to talk, Javi said, “Do you know how very much I want to say those words to you? How much I want to hear them from you? There are times when I want to throw every thought I ever had about long-term relationships out the window and give in to all the explosive fire between us over and over….like tonight. Kurt, I want you so much. I’ve wanted you from the very moment I saw you sitting there at The Rafters and if you’d been willing I probably could have had you that night. But, with only one look into those kaleidoscope eyes I knew I didn’t want you for just one night. I knew you were the reason why I’d waited seven years and I’m hoping that I’m the reason you waited for two. I’ve been searching for all or nothing, and I can’t give in to what I might think is all, only to find out it was nothing. You and I, we believe in soulmates. And we both thought we’d found them in Tonio and Blaine, and maybe we did, but I also believe a person can have more than one soulmate. At the risk of saying too much too soon, I believe with my whole heart that you are my soulmate, mi amor. And like the song says, “It’s a phrase that brands the heart with fire and iron.” You’ll always remember the first time Blaine said I love you, the first time you said I love you too, just like I will always remember those words between Tonio and me. I want those words branded on our hearts like fire and iron. When we say those words….I don’t ever want to follow them with the word, but. I don’t know if I explained why what we’re doing right now, physically I mean, is any different than if we were completely sexually involved. Just like with straight couples, if you want to maintain a sense of boundaries, there are certain things you can and can’t do. Many couples wait until marriage to move forward with, I don’t know what to call it, the ultimate act of sexual involvement. To put it bluntly, there is something about allowing another person to physically join with your body that says more than simple foreplay…or it should say more. It’s a moment you can never get back, whether you’re a virgin or not. In its purest sense, it should be the ultimate display and affirmation of trust.”

For a time all Javi heard was the sound of Kurt breathing, until he felt Kurt’s hand slip into his own, like it had always found its home there. “Javi, until we met I was positive I’d never want to fall in love again. I was only there that night because Adam guilted me into going with him. I thought I’d given everything that was worth having to Blaine and the very idea of doing that again with someone else….I not only didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t even want to try. It was like I’d handed my very being to someone and they’d handed it back to me all bent and twisted and broken. The night I met you….well, there it was all over again, that feeling, that hope. And I didn’t want to hope; honestly, you scared me to death. But as cliche as this sounds, I knew you were different and not just because you were dressed like the Latinx version of Elton John,” he smiled a little. “I felt like I was in some slow motion movie or something. And then it felt like a runaway train when we started talking about relationships only days after we met, but in all of that there was something that told me I could trust you, maybe not all of me, maybe not that part of me that was bent and twisted and broken, not yet, but the part of me that dared to hope. And tonight, you’re right, all of my feelings for you are right at the surface. Wanting you completely…it’s like a constant preoccupation. But….I know….completely for us is not just something physical. I can’t….no, I won’t go through all of….that….until I’m sure.”

Tenderly, Javi took Kurt’s face into his hands again, kissed him lovingly, and asked, “Should we try this again?” To which Kurt replied, “Oh, yes….definitely, yes…” As they lay back again on the bed, Javi slowly unbuttoned Kurt’s forest green shirt and softly touched his chest running his fingers through the soft carpet of hair. Kurt broke their kiss, lowering Javi’s head to his chest, longing for him to take a nipple into his mouth. As he did so, he began to lightly stroke the other nipple with the palm of his hand. As Kurt spoke his pleasure with each involuntary moan, he reached for Javi’s hair, gripping the curls, losing himself somewhere between oh, yes! and oh, no!….Javi rose again to kiss Kurt moving his lips over Kurt’s so lightly he could barely feel it and then as he sought to devour Kurt’s expectant lips, he slid his hand with soft intention over Kurt’s belly, unbuttoning his shorts and then swiftly, but skillfully moved his hand over the shorts, resting on his silently tempting and very apparent erection. Kurt was taken completely unaware. As Javi held Kurt’s mouth captive with his lips and his tongue, he kept a steady, insistent rhythm over his solid but defenseless cock, occasionally, yet mercilessly, reaching to stroke his clothing-covered balls. Kurt’s legs turned to jelly. He allowed his knees to fall open, moving with the rhythm of the hand that held him prisoner.

When Javi was sure Kurt could take no more, he unzipped his shorts, sliding them down as Kurt assisted kicking them to the floor. He took one of Kurt’s hands in his own, Kurt instinctively sliding it over his more than ready penis, as Javi placed his hand over Kurt’s, letting Kurt set the rhythm. He took his kiss to engulf Kurt’s nipple once more while using the fingers of his other hand to lightly pinch the opposite nipple. Within seconds, Kurt was completely lost in an orgasm, arching his back, set adrift in a jumble of “oh, my G….Javi, yes…..I…..oh…what you do to….me…..mi Javito…..mmmm, don’t stop…..not yet….,please, ple….” until all was quiet. Javi’s head lay on Kurt’s chest, his hand still covering Kurt’s. As he handed Kurt some tissues, he slid back up on the bed to lay beside him.

Kurt lay still, savoring this night and all that had transpired. When the fog in his brain had dissipated, he became more aware of Javi lying quietly beside him. When he opened his eyes, there was Javi, his gaze fixed on Kurt’s eyes as if he’d just been waiting for him to return to Earth. Without losing eye contact, he brushed the mess of curls aside to look even more deeply into the precious sight of liquid brown eyes, and leaned in to kiss his lover, but as Javi started to close his eyes, Kurt whispered, “Oh, no, no, no…..don’t close your eyes….please…” As Kurt kissed him slowly and tenderly, never lowering his eyes, he finally reached up and closed each of Javi’s eyelids. He placed his practiced hands on either side of Javi’s neck, stroking his jawline with his thumbs. He turned his head to one side, seeking the sensitive spot behind his ear that always responded to his kisses. Using the lethal tip of his tongue, he skipped playfully over Javi’s earlobe, hesitating to pay special attention to that tiny hollow behind it, suggestively whispering, “Javier. Ramos. Ruiz. I’m going to make very sure you miss me…..” As he continued his trek across Javi’s neck, he straddled his muscular, supple body, sweeping his hands across his chest, helping him out of his unbuttoned shirt. As Kurt hovered above Javi, still wearing only a pair of teeny bikinis, he turned slightly while sliding a hand down his belly until he reached the button of Javi’s shorts….but he left it buttoned. Instead, maintaining a steady, unrelenting pressure, his hand slipped over the shorts, finding his lusciously rigid hard-on, causing Javi to gasp a little, then settling into the rhythm of Kurt’s hand. Kurt removed his hand just long enough to nimbly turn his body around, again straddling Javi’s body. Employing both hands, he began by placing one on each side along the crease of his groin, slowly sliding the side of each hand up and then down, all the while Javi copying the movement with his pelvis, until his legs fell open wide, allowing Kurt to move lower still. As Kurt used the fingers of each hand to caress the skin underneath the hem of Javi’s shorts, he slowly inched his fingers upward, trailing his fingers along the edge of the bikinis. Javi struggled to maintain some sense of control, but his body wasn’t really listening, as Kurt finally flattened both hands, placing one on his swollen cock, and cradling his balls with the other.

Again, Kurt resumed the steady up and down movement, reaching for one of Javi’s hands, allowing him to undo the restraints of buttons and zippers. As he took charge, Kurt laid his hand firmly on top of Javi’s while continuing to use his other hand to run his fingers lightly over his balls, alternating with firmly caressing them through the shorts, watching Javi’s face and body for cues.

Javi lay spread eagle, abandoning himself to every touch, every stroke, pleading with Kurt for less and then more…..”oh, yes….Kurt….just your fingers….just your….I can’t….faster….fa…yes… harder…tighter….si, si….now…Kurt, Kurt, K…oh, yes Kurt….” and then the room was still, except for the sound of Javi’s breathing. He reached for Kurt drawing him upward and into his arms, holding him as if letting go wasn’t an option. When finally he did let go, he kissed Kurt. “Mi Kurtito, mi Kurtito, if you’re not the one, if I’ve waited all these years and you aren’t the one, then I don’t want anybody else. I need you like I need air to breathe.” Kurt remained quiet, just looking at that beautiful face, his voice so sincere, so adamant. He kissed Javi back, “Please come back to me, mi corazon. All I want is to spend the rest of my days with you. No one else will ever be you, never. And sometimes it still scares me, like maybe you’re not real….”

After spending an hour or so just talking and cuddling, Kurt started to get up to go to his room, but Javi stopped him. “No, mi amor, tonight you stay here with me, please. I don’t want to sleep alone, not tonight.” Kurt lay back down beside him, grateful that he didn’t have to sleep alone either. They had 14 days of solitary slumber ahead of them. As Kurt was about to drift off to sleep, safe in Javi’s arms, Javi murmured, “After tonight I think you know that neither of us are little boys, hmmmm?” Kurt mumbled, “Huhhh, what?” “You called me chiquito chico, a little boy. bebe.” Kurt smiled and said, “oh, no, I meant what I said, mi amor.” Javi started to tickle Kurt’s belly, “No, stop! Stop, Javi, stop acting like a chiquito chico or I may have to watch you grow all over again!” Javi laughed and kissed his ear, “Would that be such a bad thing?”