CHAPTER 5 – DECISIONS, DECISIONS

Wow! JFK was buzzing like a beehive! Blaine thought as he watched swarms of travelers hustle by him, but then it was summertime. Kids were out of school, parents were either taking them on trips or making an escape from the busyness of summer at home, leaving their kids with willing family or friends for a brief respite of their own.

He’d taken a taxi from the loft to the airport, alone, made his way through the tedium of waiting in a long check-in line and finally settled in a chair near the gate, his cup of Starbucks in hand. Laine had made plans to meet him here, having to attend some last-minute business meeting before they boarded this long-awaited flight to Europe.

Blaine was looking forward to this trip, of course. Not only was it something he probably would never have done on his own, but in his young life he’d never needed a vacation more than he needed one now. Ever since that night when he’d walked into the apartment and had almost literally tripped over Kurt and Clay laying on the floor, his life had felt….almost like a half life. He’d been going through the motions of living, but distracted by recurring images that his mind’s eye couldn’t unsee.

He wanted to forget all about it, like that was even possible. He wanted to believe what Kurt and Clay had told him more times than he cared to count – that nothing had happened, that nothing would have happened, that nothing would ever happen!

And on some level he did believe them…well, he believed Kurt anyway. After all, they’d still been fully clothed and after all the hubbub with the 911 responders had been sorted out (god, what a nightmare that had been!) there was no doubt in his mind that Kurt had been drunk, even without the evidence of the empty wine bottles and glasses to confirm it. In their four years together, he’d only seen Kurt drunk three times.

And other particulars of their story were easily verified. The kitchen had been neat as a pin. No leftover crumbs, no unwashed silverware or dishes in the sink or in the dishwasher. Kurt had never gotten around to making those sandwiches…unless they’d eaten first, cleaned up, and then proceeded to empty two bottles of wine in as many hours.

And Kurt was such a lightweight when it came to alcohol. And he was a horrible liar. There’d been no telltale fidgeting, no crimson-colored face, no shifting his eyes to the floor.

The TV had been blathering away when he’d walked through the unlocked door into their apartment which spoke to the fact that they’d obviously been watching something on TV and why would they lie about what movie they watched? The history was easy enough to check…..unless they’d used the hide feature, which they hadn’t. They had watched Pitch Perfect. But what if they’d watched porn too and hid the data on that? Blaine didn’t really believe that either. That just wasn’t Kurt…except Kurt had been drunk and that wasn’t Kurt either. And who cared if they’d watched porn anyway….they’d been fully clothed when he found them, not a single button undone, still wearing socks! Stop! Just stop this circular thinking! He sighed and flipped through his phone to distract himself.

Kurt had offered to go to the airport and wait with him, but he knew he’d say no, and who could blame him? He’d come home that night hoping that he and Kurt could make this trip together. That he could finally take the all-important step of introducing Kurt to his dad. This trip was almost the only thing he’d talked about for the past 2-1/2 months. And Kurt was painfully aware that part of that was the fact that he wanted to avoid talking about not just the elephant in the room, but the elephant that seemed to exist in every room of their loft.

Blaine had insisted that Clay shouldn’t move out. If nothing had happened then there was no reason for him to leave. It was just one of those things that happened in life that hopefully you could laugh about later, right? But Kurt knew that Blaine was being overly magnanimous, not only trying to convince them that he believed them, but trying to convince himself that what they said was true.

Clay and Kurt had talked about it….well, mostly texted about it because they tried to avoid any meaningful conversation when they were around Blaine or Rachel. And they’d agreed that it would be best for Clay to stay. If he left, Blaine would shoulder the blame and that would just add to the uneasy state of affairs they found themselves in.

And so, despite his better judgment, Clay had left his bags unpacked, at least for the time being. For a while the tension had been almost unbearable, but with each passing day it seemed to ease little by little. Or maybe that was wishful thinking……but Clay had stayed with the idea of revisiting his leaving after Blaine had left for his once-in-a-lifetime European tour.

They hadn’t even waited for the time when they knew Blaine would have boarded the plane, although it was unlikely that anything would happen that would warrant an unexpected return to the loft. “Well?” Rachel questioned, taking charge without even being asked as she always did, “What are we going to do? This,” Her hands shouted, encompassing everything around them, “is almost intolerable! I still think Clay should have moved out. It doesn’t matter that nothing happened because actually something did! It created this self-imposed silence and tension. I think we’ve crushed a million egg shells on these floors over the past months.” she said, figuratively speaking of course.

Clay shrugged his shoulders. “I know that Blaine still wants me to stay because he pulled me aside and said so, again, in no uncertain terms. He’s not stupid! He knew we’d be doing just what we’re doing right now.”

Kurt remained silent. He and Blaine had talked about this ad nauseum. And despite the fact that he’d not wanted Kurt to come on this trip with him, he still loved him. Kurt had even tried to give the engagement ring back until their relationship was back on firm footing again, but Blaine had refused to take it. “I only need a little time away to think things through…by myself,” he’d emphasized. “Kurt, I believe you….and Clay. I don’t think anything happened or that you’re lying or whatever. But I need some time alone.”

“Blaine, a good portion of the problem would be solved if Clay just moved out….for all of us, even Clay. We can barely have a civil conversation because every time we try we’re reminded of our own stupidity. And Rachel is stuck in the middle of it all. He’s her stepbrother, we’re her friends. No one has asked her to choose sides and she hasn’t. It’s just too much to ask of all of us to live here together unless Clay leaves or…..” he didn’t have any ideas to follow the or. But Blaine wouldn’t relent. “Kurt, why should Clay go through the hassle of moving over one mistake? It’s not like you planned what happened. Why aren’t we asking that you leave instead?” Blaine held up his right hand, “That was rhetorical….but you get what I’m saying?”

And, of course, Kurt understood what he was saying, but they both knew that asking Kurt to cross that bridge, and not Clay, would create an even more complicated set of circumstances…..circumstances neither Blaine nor Kurt were ready or willing to face.

“Okay, we’ve been stuck here with each other for over two months and you two will be going back to Lima for a few weeks. I’ll be here by myself.” Clay paused, hoping what he would say next would provide some reassurance. “Maybe a break is the right answer for all of us. Believe me, I’ll have to move out if this tension continues whether Blaine likes it or not. So, maybe we can table the discussion until ya’ll get back. It’ll give us all time to think without the others’ presence. Honestly, I don’t want to move. I like living with all of you, but none of us should have to live like this.”

They sat in silence waiting to see if anyone else had something to contribute and when it became apparent that no one did, Clay stood up and grabbed a Pepsi from the fridge telling the other two he’d be in his room. Closing the door, he flopped down on his unmade bed and surveyed the room, his eyes slowly drinking in what was his, with no desire to hit the streets of New York in search of a different home, different roommates…..what a dilemma!

But one thing, and maybe the only good thing that had come out of this mess was that it had destroyed any romantic feelings he might have had for Kurt.

After that debacle of a night, they’d all needed a breather from each other. Breather was definitely an apt term! It felt like every molecule of air had been sucked from the loft.

He’d hurriedly arranged to take a few days off work and returned to Lima to talk to Gene, the only person who knew about his feelings for Kurt. After describing what had happened, Clay had thrown his hands into the air and said, “What a mess over a stupid infatuation! I wasn’t in love with him, I’m NOT in love with him. In fact, I’m pretty sure both of us wouldn’t be too broken up if we never saw each other again.” Gene had been sympathetic and glad, actually, that at least that chapter in his son’s life was closed.

He couldn’t……well, more like he wouldn’t…..tell his son what to do about his current living arrangements though. If Blaine hadn’t been so adamant about Clay staying, the problem would have solved itself. Maybe there was a good reason Clay and the others were living this period of unrest between them. And much as he’d like to offer suggestions, they were all adults. Besides, Clay hadn’t asked for his input. Gene knew in this case he was more of a sounding board than anything else.

Rachel sighed, “Ya know, the place already feels a little less tense without Blaine here…..not because I don’t want him here,” she hastily finished her sentence. “Yeah, I know,” Kurt could feel it, too, and he certainly wanted him here. “Maybe all of us getting out of here for a while will be the answer. God! These past few months have been like waiting for a verdict in a trial that’s gone on for too long!”

As he went through his history, he found some old messages from Kurt that he hadn’t deleted. Placing the phone on his lap, he tipped his head back, closing his eyes. He missed him already, despite the fact that their relationship had been so unsettled. If truth be told, he’d been missing him for 2-1/2 months….missing them. He didn’t ever want to live apart from Kurt! And Kurt had made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere unless Blaine wanted him to.

As if on instant replay, his mind’s eye took a trip back in time to the last time they’d made love…the only thing that seemed to keep them grounded in what had become their tenuous relationship….they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, knowing that soon they’d be parting ways, and neither was sure what that meant about their future. Sometime during the night, he’d awakened to find himself laying on his left side, the soft sound of Kurt’s muffled crying piercing the darkness. He was trying mightily not to be heard, but that didn’t stop Blaine from hearing his anguish. Under normal circumstances he would have reached for him and tried to sooth whatever was causing the tears, but he couldn’t….he didn’t…..even though his heart and his body begged him to.

And that had been more agonizing than if he’d simply laid a comforting hand on his shoulder…..a simple touch. It was so strange. They still made love, had sex, but they’d lost the ability to connect on a deeper emotional level. They’d never even argued about what had happened that night! Surprisingly, Blaine had discovered he wasn’t angry; instead, he was numb….and when he did feel something it was more akin to sadness or fear. They just couldn’t seem to get beyond whatever was holding them hostage. As if too much honesty might sever the fragility that was barely holding them together.

He sighed as he watched his dad walk toward him oblivious to his son’s misery. Blaine knew he was looking forward to connecting with him on a deeper level….at a time when Blaine felt least capable of connecting with anyone on any level. But, he had to try. They’d spent too many years not connecting at all and he wanted to get closer to him. He’d been waiting all his life for this opportunity. Perhaps, refocusing his energy on Laine would help him sort out his relationship with Kurt.

As Laine approached he couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. Despite the mess he and Barb…well, mostly him, he reminded himself, had made of their marriage and the blame he had to shoulder for its demise, somehow against all odds he had perhaps managed to salvage the one good thing that had come out of it. He had high hopes for this trip, even though he tried to temper his expectations.

He wanted to show Blaine all the places he’d never really gotten to see in Europe, not because he hadn’t been there but because he’d most always been there on business. What he’d seen of cities like Paris and London or countries like Italy was mostly through the windows of taxis or along the sidewalks to and from the hotel to the boardrooms and offices of his overseas clients.

And he’d never taken this long away from work! Almost two months. His bosses were actually happy when he’d told them, knowing that when Laine was working he gave close to 200%. They’d manage, he was told, but just so he wouldn’t feel like he was too expendable, his boss had added that he should expect to give 250% when he returned, chuckling.

He was still mulling over the idea that wouldn’t leave him alone and, in all honesty, might have partly prompted this uncharacteristic vacation, although he didn’t want to admit it. He was tired of hiding who he was from Blaine…and yes, he’d finally accepted that it wasn’t what he was, but who. Bisexuality wasn’t something he could simply dispose of any more than Blaine could dispose of being gay. It wasn’t like it could be surgically removed. Sure, he could continue to hide it, but he was so tired of carrying the burden by himself. Perhaps their sexual identities were something they could actually bond over…..perhaps.

He’d discussed it with Barb, but she told him she wasn’t going to let him off the hook by telling him what to do. She’d never thought she’d see the day when he and Blaine actually had a relationship of any kind. She’d assumed that when she’d insisted that he tell Blaine his secret after Blaine graduated college that he would wait until the last possible second. As far as she was concerned, the sooner the better.

And why the sooner the better? Thankfully, her secret regarding Blaine’s parentage was still in her own version of Pandora’s box; sometimes it even felt like a secret from herself. Sometimes she forgot that Laine wasn’t Blaine’s biological father. But then something would remind her, a father in the park playing with his son, Blaine referring to Laine as “my dad,” instead of just dad, a woman pausing her stroller as even strangers gathered to have a look-see at the cuteness wrapped in blankets that lay inside. And in those moments it became clear once again why she wanted them to believe they were truly father and son….perhaps with a horrible start to their relationship, but father and son nonetheless.

She had no clue who Blaine’s biological father was; he was just a number, but one she’d memorized whether she wanted to or not. When she’d decided to conceive Blaine by IVF via a sperm donor, she hadn’t counted on the progressive march of the science surrounding DNA to become so sophisticated. She’d thought that Blaine and Laine could probably go through their lives never having their DNA tested. And then heritage sites like Ancestry and 23AndMe had started to pop up like mushrooms and all she could do was hope that neither of them would ever take advantage of them or even take an interest.

Her reasoning was that if they developed a good relationship, they wouldn’t care if and when they ever discovered they weren’t related by blood. She knew that was faulty reasoning, but she couldn’t think of any other way to live with her secret. Blaine deserved a father, a person who was a real dad, someone invested in his life and Laine was finally stepping up to the plate. And again, the mystery dad was just a number, right?

Of course she wasn’t uneducated about the new developments in sperm donation and the ways in which people could find the information they were seeking. Blaine’s donor had chosen to remain anonymous and that’s exactly what Barb had wanted. But, that had been nearly 20 years ago. She knew that now if a person really wanted that information they could probably get it if they were determined to find it.

No! As difficult as it was she would keep her secret and if the day ever came when she had to explain herself….well, she hoped she’d be prepared. But that was the future. The present was Blaine and Laine spending two months together. That in itself was some sort of miracle! Laine was pinning a lot of hope on this trip and so was Barb, but only she knew that. She would not stand in the way of Blaine finally having an accessible father.

In spite of all that had happened, Clay was looking forward to having the loft all to himself while Rachel and Kurt were in Lima. He’d never told Kurt or Rachel and certainly not Blaine about the feelings he’d had for Kurt. And now he was relieved that he’d managed to keep it a secret.

Despite being plastered that night he remembered it pretty clearly. Of course he couldn’t remember the incidentals like the name of the movie or even watching the movie itself. All he could think about was the fact that he was laying on the floor next to Kurt under a blanket – the closest he’d ever been to Kurt’s body.

He remembered the lingering scent of his cologne, their silly laughter over the smallest thing….but mostly the feel of his body, even fully clothed, so warm and very accessible. He’d had to fight with everything he had not to reach over and touch him and at one point Kurt had actually reached over and touched Clay! He’d done it in reference to something that was part of the movie and then he’d left his hand resting on his back. With determination, Clay had refocused his attention on the now unremembered movie, barely breathing. Half hoping that Kurt’s hand would remain on his back or better yet forget who he was touching and, dare he hope? make a pass.

But the next thing he knew he’d sneaked a peek at Kurt and his eyes were closed, appearing to be asleep. Slowly, he rolled over onto his side so he could watch him….watch him for the first time ever….in private. When he was sure that Kurt was truly asleep and not just resting his eyes, he’d dared to place a sweaty palm on Kurt’s waist.

Holding his breath, he waited for Kurt to remove his hand from Clay’s arm….the warmth of it feeling more like a fire on his skin. His eyes settled on Kurt’s heart-shaped face. He was beyond handsome…..that fragile-appearing porcelain skin, those lips he’d longed to kiss for so long and if it was possible, without his captivating eyes open, he looked wiser than his years. And that was one of the things that had drawn him to Kurt. His wisdom, his ability to hear and see past the superficial.

He smiled to himself and whispered so low that he could barely hear himself, “Kurt, I know you’d never want to hear this, but I think I’m in love with you.” Even then Clay feared acknowledging something that might not be true, but damn it! At the time it had felt true! Thank God, Kurt had never heard him say that!

And even more, he was glad that Kurt would never know that he’d slid his hand below Kurt’s waist and settled it right over his clothed cock, still holding his breath. When Kurt didn’t stir he’d closed his own eyes, his hand remaining where it was.

His half-drunk mind meandered through all of the fantasies he’d had about he and Kurt. Just the two of them and not as roommates but as a couple. Sometimes they were in bed in some place other than the loft – a fancy hotel room, his room at home with no one else around – who knew where they were and who cared? – a cabin in the woods with a fire crackling in the fire place. Or he’d imagine them in a hidden cove on a white sand beach, half naked, hidden from the tourists who passed by, trying not to giggle too much, touching each other, maybe for the first time….

Sometimes his mind would want to throw in a third person because in his fantasies they weren’t a monogamous couple. He liked the idea of watching Kurt with someone else or Kurt watching him with someone else. Or someone else watching them? The idea of a threesome, he liked that a lot! But if it was just he and Kurt that was okay, too. He could adapt to being monogamous he assured himself.

And then his thoughts brought him back to the present, but he didn’t want to open his eyes. His hand still rested on the zipper over Kurt’s cock, and unconsciously he realized he’d been tracing the outline under his jeans. He edged nearer until their bodies were as close to touching as he’d dared. He knew if Kurt woke up, he’d be mortified, maybe even angry, but, Clay reasoned, he could always lie and say he’d fallen asleep and had been dreaming about Angelo. He just wanted to be close to him, to feel the warmth of his breath as it caressed his face.

How he wanted to kiss his lips, to gently run his fingers over his face and down the length of his body, obeying his uncontrolled moans as Clay satisfied his hunger. In his fantasies, Kurt always wanted him as much as he wanted Kurt. He imagined Kurt hurriedly helping him unbutton his shirt, unzipping his pants as Clay worked to loosen the button on his jeans…….it was their first time. The kiss they’d begun only intensified as they divested themselves of their clothing.

Clay knew he should just get up and go to bed….alone!…. before he made a total idiot of himself, taking the chance that Kurt wouldn’t wake up to find his hand pressed more firmly over his cock, his breathing ragged, his lips mere inches from Kurt’s. But this might be the only chance he had of being this close……so close to the object of his desire.

He willed his eyes closed again, took a slow, deep breath, and removed his wandering hand, clenching it by his side. He barely whispered sweet nothings, telling Kurt how beautiful he was, saying things like, “If we were together..” this or that would happen (all good, of course). And then, he kissed his index finger and placed it lightly on Kurt’s cheek, forcing himself to move back to where he’d been laying before.

The rational Clay, the one that usually governed his words and actions, kept telling him that he should get up and go to bed, to leave Kurt to his slumber being none the wiser about what had just happened.

But, his brain was foggy from wine, his heart was aching and the part of him that spoke only of the temptations that he longed to satisfy reminded him again that this may be his only chance to lay beside Kurt much less in bed or on a beach or anywhere else.

After laying there for what seemed like an eternity just watching Kurt sleep, he’d clamped his eyes closed again and rolled over facing away from him. He was tired, so very tired of fighting his feelings for Kurt. Feelings he understood deep down were probably not love. He knew they were probably the kind of love a person imagined when they were rebounding from a broken relationship.

It was more than likely misplaced love. He wanted a relationship again. He wanted to come home to someone who was happy to see him. Someone he could talk to and laugh with. Someone who loved his company and missed him when they were apart. He wanted someone to fall asleep with and someone to wake up to. And even though most people probably wouldn’t see a couple in an open relationship as an “average couple,” he and Angelo had been all of the things he longed for.

At one point, Kurt had almost canceled his trip to Lima. Yes, he needed to get out of New York, out of this apartment with its memories. He hated sleeping alone, arriving home with no smiling Blaine eager to hear about his day and share his own. Barely a moment passed that he didn’t picture Blaine wherever he might be at that moment if things had been different….if that night had never happened. And then he’d be reminded of that!

And yet, Lima provided it’s own host of memories of him and Blaine. There was hardly a place he could go where an often vivid reminder didn’t linger. And especially in his own home..the house he’d grown up in..but he had to get away from New York! All three of them were heading in different directions for a reason. Sure, Clay could have gone back to Lima, too. He could have stayed with Gene, but his home was New York, even more so than Kurt and Rachel. For Kurt, New York was just a place to live while preparing himself for another destination. And Rachel was also a student. Sure, she said that her interests lay on Broadway, but that could change. For Clay, New York was where he felt most at home. He loved its constant hum of lives lived at a pace that was more like a race. It motivated him. And the idea had been to take time alone in an effort to make a major decision about their future as roommates, as friends even.

Burt handed him a cup of steaming hot coffee, one cream, two sugars, and settled in for a chat. Kurt hadn’t said much since he’d come home. He’d been rather subdued, but had spent much of his time at Breadsticks with members of the Glee Club who had either decided to stay in Lima or were also visiting over the summer. He was even helping Mr. Schue plan some summer workshops.

And Burt hadn’t pressured him. He already knew the story of what had happened, or he guessed, hadn’t happened between Kurt and Clay, but had done almost as much damage as if it had. He watched silently as Kurt avoided the back porch at all costs it would seem. Much as he wanted to comfort him, to tell him everything would be okay, he knew he couldn’t. For one, he didn’t know everything would be okay and Kurt was no longer a boy. So, as difficult as it was, he’d waited for Kurt to come to him.

Carole had returned to Michigan to visit family for the weekend. They’d been planning a reunion for a year, hoping that if they planned it well in advance more people would be able to make it. And since Kurt was home, she’d told Burt he didn’t have to come. She also knew about Kurt’s latest problem and figured it could give them time alone to talk….if that’s what Kurt wanted Burt reminded her.

And so, here they were, Kurt smiling up at his dad as he handed him the coffee, and then looking back down at the table, sighing. For a while they sat in silence. “Um, I never told you this, but Blaine asked me to marry him.” Burt was surprised to say the least! Of course he knew that that was probably going to happen some day…..

“And what did you say?” Burt ventured. Kurt cleared his throat, wrapping his hands around the coffee mug as if he needed the extra warmth to continue. “I told him that I’d accept the ring, but that we should wait until after we got to California….or wherever we ended up after college…..and now it seems that we might be ending up nowhere….” he stopped because continuing might bring on the tears that he’d been trying to hold back.

“He gave you a ring?” Burt asked. Wow! This was serious. “Yeah….Dad, it’s beautiful and he said when he saw it, it was so me….and it is.” He stopped, taking a breath and clearing his throat again. “It’s in a safety deposit box in New York. I promised him that once he graduated we’d have a huge engagement party…..and now? I offered to give it back, but he wanted me to keep it.” “Well, that’s a good sign, isn’t it?”

“Dad, I don’t know what’s a good sign anymore! And he says he believes me…and Clay…that nothing happened….but…I keep wondering what I would think or do if I was Blaine. Even if nothing happened….and it didn’t…!” Kurt emphasized, “I put myself in a position where something could have!” As Kurt raised his eyes, Burt could see the confusion and uncertainty reflecting back at him.

“Kurt, you…and Clay….made a mistake. And the fact that you and Blaine are still together on some level tells me that Blaine is working on forgiving you. You two have been together going on five years and this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, right?” Burt waited; this wasn’t a rhetorical question.

“Yeah…I mean as far as I know. Other than the year we spent apart when he was still in school here, we’re together pretty much all the time and I like it that way! And technically we’re engaged, even though no one but you knows. And he didn’t want the ring back. In fact, he was adamant about it! So, that tells me he doesn’t want to…..” Kurt couldn’t stop the tears and Burt rose from his chair, taking Kurt into his arms knowing there were no words that could take away the pain.

Blaine had been up early and their flight was a long one even though it was nonstop. He’d settled into the window seat. His dad had said he’d seen more than enough sky from an airplane window in his lifetime. He closed his eyes after telling Laine he was going to try to catch a nap and Laine had promised himself he was leaving work behind. And to make sure he did, he hadn’t brought his briefcase and hadn’t brought his work laptop along. He took the earbuds he’d rarely used and put them in his ears succumbing to music as he closed his eyes as well.

Blaine’s attempt at sleep wasn’t working. His heart was torn in two. Yes, he’d intended for this trip to help him sort out he and Kurt’s relationship. What he believed and what he didn’t. How he wanted to move forward…and he…they, he so wanted it to be they….because forward was their only choice no matter what conclusions they came to during this time apart. He loved Kurt so much and even that night when he was sure the end of his life was laying there on the floor of the loft, he never doubted Kurt’s love for him.

But there had been a reason why he hadn’t wanted Clay to move out. A reason he had put them all through the misery of the past months. And he knew that if not for him and his supposed magnanimous desire to not send Clay packing, he would have left on his own.

But, it had nothing to do with him being magnanimous. In fact, it had more to do with being selfish. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing Kurt and if he was being honest, at least with himself, he’d forgiven Kurt a long time ago.

He’d been living in a love/hate relationship with himself for some time, but he’d managed to keep it from interfering with his life, never allowing himself to dig too deeply and bring it out into the light of day. Until that night…..when it had turned itself loose again. There was more than one reason why he and Kurt couldn’t get past the roadblock that that night had placed between them.

And this trip? It was more about him than Kurt. This trip and the decisions he made would either make or break their relationship. The thought of living his life without Kurt was unbearable but living his life with himself, knowing what he knew? He knew the answer. He knew what had to be done. He’d always known. But no one else did and as hard as it was to accept, that had to change.