CHAPTER 54 – LET THE WALLS COME TUMBLIN’ DOWN

CHAPTER 54 – LET THE WALLS COME TUMBLIN’ DOWN

Was there any place in Lima that didn’t hold memories of him and Kurt? Blaine wondered.  He thought about waiting outside but it was just too cold and a winter wind had kicked up that afternoon so he decided to wait inside.  As he opened the door, the ambience, if that’s what you wanted to call it, of Scandals welcomed him.  It was Thanksgiving Eve so customers were pretty scarce.  He didn’t know whether to hope they would see someone they knew or not.  He certainly didn’t want to run into Dave Karofsky.  The only reason they’d chosen Scandals as a meeting place was because Friday night some of the former Glee Clubbers were gathering at Breadsticks and if they were going to run into someone they knew most likely it would happen at Breadsticks.  Blaine had already been invited and Kurt had invited him again, but he still hadn’t decided if he’d be there or not. It was turning into a more emotional visit than Blaine had ever imagined.  This family reunion, talking with Kurt and now meeting Javi.  As awkward as it felt to be meeting Kurt’s new boyfriend he wasn’t going to say no.  He’d spent some time watching Youtube videos, mostly concert clips and interviews.  The man certainly could be larger than life when he ramped up the voltage, drawing his audience in with an almost seductive invitation to sing along, his fingers saying, “come here, I’m right here, join me.” And curiosity alone hadn’t allowed him to turn down Kurt’s friendly request…well, if you could tell about “friendly” by reading a text anyway.

He went to the bar, ordered a Bud Lite and decided to wait there.  He could see the door and would know when they arrived.  Just like the Lima Bean, not much had changed here either.  Some newer songs on the jukebox maybe, but the lighting was still almost negligible, still feeling they had to hide the fact that they were a gay bar.  Things changed slowly in the Midwest and the path to being openly gay in a town the size of Lima was still covered with gravel, like navigating an old country road.  

Blaine was half-heartedly conversing with the bartender when he saw Kurt and then Javi.  He didn’t know what he’d expected, but Javi looked almost subdued compared to the person in the videos.  He was in jeans and his coat covered whatever was underneath, no hat.  The most noticeable thing he wore was an earring that sparkled when what lighting there was available hit it.  Blaine waved so Kurt could see him as his eyes adjusted to the darkness.  Kurt took Javi’s hand as they walked up to the bar; the gesture was not lost on Blaine.  Kurt made the introductions and then ordered for them.  The bartender gave Javi a long look; it wasn’t like there was a real Latinx population in Lima, but he remembered Kurt.  Kurt was the designated driver, so he got a Diet Coke, and Javi didn’t drink a lot, but he wanted to put Blaine at ease.  Keeping my friends close and my enemies closer, he thought.  He wanted Blaine to be as comfortable as the ex and the current boyfriend could ever really be.  He ordered what Blaine was having and they found some seats at an empty table.

Naturally, the conversation started out a bit awkwardly, but once they got on the topic of music it started to flow.  As was typical of Javi, he asked questions, not just to put Blaine at ease, but because he was honestly interested.  He had nothing against Blaine as a person, but his mission if you wanted to call it that, was to get to know him better before he might have to deal with him on Javi’s home turf.  They discussed what his musical interests were, what instruments he could play and Javi even offered to help him if he moved to LA.  Obviously, he had several contacts in the business.  Blaine asked Javi about some of the venues he’d played, even bringing up his time with Mateo as Blaine sort of knew their music, all the while noticing how Kurt never really stopped touching Javi in some way, even if it was just their fingertips.  Javi knew he’d most assuredly found interviews and articles regarding Antonio and his death, but didn’t want to bring it up, so Javi did.

“Yeah, it was really hard after Tonio died.  We were together for seven years, not just as band members, he and I were partners in every sense of the word.  You won’t find that on Google or if you do it’s probably buried on the tenth page.  When I finally got my act together, so to speak, and went solo, a lot of the fans didn’t want to accept that I no longer wanted to be a part of the latest version of Mateo.  But I just couldn’t. Neither of us were officially out for a number of reasons. For a long time it was like the sun went down and refused to rise again.  So, I started dividing my time between Mexico City and San Diego.  I was pretty sure I’d be alone forever and then I met Kurt and suddenly the hardest seven years of my life were over.”  Javi had managed to say all of that without appearing to be obvious.  Kurt glanced at him out of the corner of his eye and thought, how does he do that?  

Blaine almost felt sorry for him….almost.  He’d somehow revealed something about himself from his past, a painful something, not something one would expect from a near stranger in a bar, and turned it around saying what he really wanted to say without being confrontational in any way.  In fact, the whole evening had been nonconfrontational.  No tense uneasy undercurrents, no significant glances, not a hint of hostility, just a conversation between three guys.  Even Kurt was feeling more comfortable in Blaine’s presence, but he knew better than to take those feelings too seriously.  All Blaine could think to say was, “I’m sorry about Antonio….and Mateo.”  And he was, although not sorry enough to say, “I’m glad you’ve found happiness again.”

He hadn’t missed the fact that Javi’s earring matched Kurt’s, except his bore the letter K instead of J.  By the time the evening was over, Javi and Blaine had exchanged cell numbers in case he ever did make it to LA.  Blaine had to admit, it was hard not to like Javi, but he wasn’t stupid and he hadn’t been born yesterday either.  It was almost like the three of them were walking around with invisible shields, not willing to lower them too much thinking perhaps the word frenemy had been invented just for them, at least for now.  As they prepared to leave, Kurt told Blaine he hoped they’d see him on Friday night, not just he, but they.  Blaine said he’d try, wished them a happy Thanksgiving and walked through the parking lot to his car.

As soon as they were back in the relative warmth of the car, Javi reached across the console and pulled Kurt’s face toward his own, giving him a very sensual kiss, playing with the earlobe where his birthstone twinkled.  Kurt wrapped his arms around Javi’s neck, whispering, “My god, Javi, where did that come from?”  Javi let out a low chuckle, “If it weren’t so damn cold, I’d throw you in the backseat and create enough heat to keep us both warm….well, but it’s a pretty small backseat.  I have so missed doing that….and you’re going to think this is crazy, but it’s kinda hot meeting an ex-boyfriend knowing he still wants you but….”  He kissed Kurt again, at that moment wishing they were sitting on the couch in California or better yet on one of the beds.  As Kurt kissed him back with ever-increasing passion, he managed to say, “These seats do recline….” but they decided the parking lot of a gay bar was probably not the best idea for what they had in mind.  After all, this wasn’t California.  They’d have to settle for making out like a couple of kids, at least for now.  Javi kissed him one more time and whispered against his lips, “Just wait til I get you home, bebe,” and released his hold on Kurt.  

Blaine drove home, his mind totally preoccupied with the events of the evening….or the nonevents depending on how you looked at it.  What had he expected?  A barroom brawl?  A duel to the death over Kurt?  Well, no….but there wasn’t an ounce of hostility, no veiled innuendos, no game playing, just an interesting conversation, although Javi had made it clear how much Kurt meant to him, even without words.  You didn’t even have to know them to see how much in love they were.  And of course he wasn’t happy about it, for himself, but he wanted to be happy for Kurt.  He really did.  Maybe he was expecting too much of himself considering how emotionally charged the past few days had been; after all, he was only human.  

Doing a search on Javi had been a mistake, at least doing it here had been.  If he’d been smart, he’d have stuck with the interviews, but what musician and singer would have the will to bypass listening to your ex’s boyfriend singing and performing and especially his songwriting.  That had been what he was really interested in and knowing very little Spanish he had to Google the English lyrics to understand what the songs were about.  Now that he knew the full story about Javi and Antonio, the songs made even more sense.  Just as Kurt had noted, there were very few happy songs.  Had Blaine known the true extent of their relationship, he would have been surprised to find any happy songs.  But what he’d really hated was the fact that so many of the songs spoke to his past relationship with Kurt.  He’d actually sat there and cried a couple of times as he listened to the beauty of the Spanish lyrics while reading the English ones, and one in particular had slammed right into his heart, so much so he’d almost texted Kurt and told him he’d changed his mind.  He didn’t want to meet Javi, he didn’t want to even try to be Kurt’s friend, to forget the whole thing.  But he couldn’t do it; maybe he was being selfish, maybe he just wasn’t strong enough to let go, but he didn’t have whatever it took to leave even a tiny chance that they could be something, anything, to each other than what they were right now.

I TAKE A STEP BACK – DOY UN PASO ATRAS – SAMO

 He was so tired when he got back to the house and tomorrow was going to be a busy day.  The place would be packed with relatives he hadn’t seen in forever and kids he’d never met.  He climbed the stairs to his old bedroom, now turned into a sort of an entertainment room.  They’d left a bed in there for convenience sake.  He still didn’t know if he was going to show up at Breadsticks on Friday, but he had plenty of time to make that decision.  Right now?  He just wanted to sleep, making a wish that dreams wouldn’t interrupt what had more often than not lately been a fitful fragmented slumber.  

It was still relatively early when Javi and Kurt got back and Javi knew Kurt wanted some alone time with his dad.  He didn’t ask questions; whatever Kurt wanted to talk to his father about was none of his business and they hadn’t had a lot of time together since their arrival.  Burt was sitting in the living room watching a football game, Javi said his good nights and went to the guest room, just as ready for sleep as Blaine was, somewhere out there in Lima in his own bed.

When Kurt sat down in one of the recliners, Burt shut the TV off.  Kurt told him he didn’t have to, but Burt said his team was losing anyway and he’d much rather spend time with Kurt.  He’d truly missed him, even though he hadn’t seen all that much of him when he was in New York.  Somehow, California seemed like another country at times.  Kurt laid his head against the recliner, yawned and said, “It’s good to be home.”  Burt said, “Even with the cold and gray out there?”  “Yeah, even with that, although I hope you plan on retiring in California because I don’t plan on coming back here to live.”  Burt laughed and said he’d see what he could do about his retirement plans.  “Everything went well with Blaine, I take it?”  “Yeah, it was a little awkward, but yeah I’d say it went well.”  “Well, I’m glad to hear that.   So, you wanted to talk or so you said before you got here.  Is that still the case?”  Just like Kurt, his dad never took long to get around to the subject at hand.

“Yeah, but it’s kinda hard to put into words what I want to know….or maybe that’s not it, maybe it’s that we’ve never really talked about it much.  Dad, what do you believe?”  Burt asked, “What do I believe about what?”  “No, I mean like do you believe in God?  Did you grow up going to church or anything?  You never really said and since I didn’t know my grandparents no one else ever really said either.”

This was true, Burt’s parents had died when Kurt was too young to remember them and they rarely saw his mother’s parents when Kurt was growing up…and now they were gone, too.  “I did grow up going to church, actually.  My mother in particular made sure of it.  My dad never seemed all that interested, but he went with us for my mom’s sake.  So, yeah, I guess I believe in God.  Your mother was like mine.  When she was alive we went to church and….well, your mom had something with God I never did.  For her, God was kind of like her invisible best friend.  She talked to him and about him like….well, like he was sitting as close as you and me.  I think I always just took for granted that God existed, although I’ll admit I never did much investigating.  And after she died…well, for a long time I didn’t have the energy to deal with church, and I’ll admit if I had any faith it was badly shaken when she left you and me.”

Kurt nodded, “I’m asking because since I’ve been with Javi I’ve been trying to figure out what I believe.  The way you describe mom?  That’s the way Javi is; like god is in the same room with him and always available for a chat or something.  At the same time, he has a great respect….maybe reverence? for God.  He grew up with a pretty strict Christian background.  When he moved to Mexico City they sort of disowned him.  It’s a long story, but it had to do with the kind of music he chose to sing as opposed to songs only sung in the church.  I don’t really get that, but he said he always knew he was different.  He just didn’t realize he was gay until his teens.  His family won’t acknowledge that either.  He has one sister he’s close with and that’s it.  Anyway, I’m trying to figure out what I believe.”

Burt said, “It isn’t like when I was growing up, Kurt.  At least growing up here in Lima.  Back then, everyone just sort of assumed if you went to church, you were Christian, and if you didn’t, well, who knew.  It’s not like we had Buddhist temples or a dozen or so choices of what to believe.  Maybe that’s why I never thought about it much.  My parents didn’t say, go out and find what you believe, you were expected to believe or at least act like you believed whatever they did.”

Burt went on to ask Kurt what he was investigating.  He told him Javi had advised him to start with what he knew, which was Christianity, if anything, and he was looking into unitarian universalism.  Burt laughed, “Now there’s a mouthful!”  

“And another thing, dad.  I know I don’t have to tell you this, but I want to.  And feel free to cover your ears, sing la! la! la! and yell I can’t hear you!  I deserve that,” Kurt smiled and Burt laughed at the reference to the time Burt had tried to talk to him about sex and Kurt was far from willing to listen. 

“I want you to know why Javi and I haven’t reached the place where…well, we’re actually having sex, sleeping together sounds so ridiculous when I try to apply it to our relationship.  I guess it’s sort of like when people talk about saving themselves for marriage, although we’re definitely not talking about that.  I never really thought about these kinds of things until I met him.  He views having sex as almost something sacred, like the ultimate statement of trust.  He wants to make sure we really know the important stuff about each other before taking that step.  That’s why I started trying to figure out what I believe.  We also haven’t told each other I love you yet either.  As he says, those words can never be unsaid, just like having sex for the first time with someone can never be undone.  And as strange as it may sound these days, I believe he’s right.  Dad, I’ve never felt so respected or…..treasured is the only way I can describe it.  I’m not saying…..well, it’s not like we don’t touch each other….you know what I mean?”

Burt was a tad uncomfortable, but he tried not to show it.  It was obvious to anyone with eyes that these two were in love and all that Kurt had just told him certainly didn’t sound like something he should be concerned about.  He didn’t know exactly why Kurt felt he needed to tell him this, but he wasn’t going to argue with his son being respected and treasured.  “I think I know what you’re saying.  And for the record, from what I’ve seen Javi seems like a great guy.  Anyone who can make you this happy?  Well, that’s nothing but good as far as I’m concerned.”  

They moved on to other subjects, nothing quite as heavy as faith and sex.  Burt was glad that he and Carole hadn’t invited anyone else over for Thanksgiving dinner.  He’d wanted as much time with Kurt as he could get, especially since he was bringing Javi home with him.  Kurt was careful almost to a fault at times and if he’d let someone disassemble the barrier around his heart, carrying it around for the last two years like an invisible fortress, then Burt knew Javi wasn’t just a casual guest in their home or in Kurt’s life.  

Kurt yawned again, thanked his dad for listening and they both decided it was time to turn in.  When he got to the top of the stairs he decided to check in on Javi, to say good night if he was still awake.  As he opened the door he noticed the light was still on, but Javi was sound asleep with a book half open beside him.  He tiptoed over to shut off the light, standing there for a moment studying Javi, his arms over his head, looking so at peace.  He sat down on the floor, wanting to caress his face, but he didn’t.  He just watched as he breathed, looking less like the complicated, life-scarred man he’d become, and more like an innocent, still unaware that sometimes the scary dreams did come true.  Before he got up to go to his own room, in an almost inaudible voice he whispered, “Javier Ramos Ruiz, you don’t know this yet, but I love you, I love you, I love you…and I know exactly what you’re up to.”  He smiled, got to his feet and shut the door behind him.