CHAPTER 59 WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

CHAPTER 59 – WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

Blaine had just gotten home from his fourth counselling session. The appointment had been scheduled later than usual to accommodate Blaine’s schedule. That was one of the many reasons he liked Dr. Osman’s group. Between school and work, flexibility was a necessity. There was a note on the kitchen table from his new roommate, Susan, letting him know she’d gone out for drinks with friends. She’d only moved in three weeks ago, but so far their living arrangement seemed to be working. She was friendly, but kept to herself most of the time. She was a student, too, and a very serious one. She was considerate, shared kitchen duties when they were both home at the same time and didn’t ask a lot of personal questions…yet. Only time would tell.

Blaine set his satchel down, and after searching the fridge, decided to make a chicken salad. It had been an exceptionally busy week, so after pouring himself a rare glass of wine, he placed everything on a tray and set it on the low coffee table. He sunk into the couch cushion with a sigh of relief.

The counselling had been going relatively well he thought. On the advice of Dr. Osman he had neither called nor texted Kurt. Following that advice had been extremely difficult, but he wasn’t paying someone to guide him down this road only to ignore their ideas and advice. Obviously, most of his own ideas hadn’t worked very well for him. They’d barely scratched the surface of he and Kurt’s relationship past….and present, whatever it was they had together, if anything. Dr. Osman had given him an assignment before he left his office tonight. One of the things that was driving Blaine crazy was the fact that he couldn’t get Kurt out of his head, so his assignment was to write down every time Kurt came to mind, what Blaine was doing, feeling, thinking about, anything of relevance. It felt like he was being asked to willingly enter his own, specially designed torture chamber. Here he was trying to bypass every thought of Kurt and now he was supposed to acknowledge and almost welcome every one of those thoughts. Yes, writing things down helped, if for no other reason than it got Kurt out of his head, but he found it sadly ironic that he was utilizing one of the techniques Kurt had used to successfully navigate life. Maybe if he’d tried that himself when they were a couple, they might still be together. But the fact was, they weren’t.

He turned on the TV looking for some distraction. He didn’t really care what was on as long as it wasn’t something he and Kurt had enjoyed together and since TV had not been a big part of their leisure time, it wasn’t hard to find something. He found a football game not really caring who was playing. Football was definitely not a sport they’d enjoyed together.

Dr. Osman had told Blaine that loneliness was undoubtedly playing a role in his struggles. Some of his psych tests revealed that Blaine definitely liked being part of a couple. And despite his infidelities, he wasn’t really a hookup kind of guy either. So, that left him regretting not just one failed relationship, but two. The fact that Kurt had contacted him during a time when his relationship with Barry was dying a painful but necessary death almost certainly awakened feelings that Blaine had been burying. And since he no longer had Barry to distract him? It was just beginning to dawn on him how much pain he’d caused when he ripped their relationship apart for the last time. That’s how he viewed it as the blinding light of that dawn revealed itself bit by bit. What they had done to Kurt and Adam was inexcusable. It almost felt like he was grieving, realizing this was probably what Kurt had gone through two years ago. He didn’t have a lot of experience with grief, but he had enough to know what it felt like after Finn’s death barely a year in the past. However, he wasn’t doing himself any favors by, letting the thoughts trip over each other in his mind, or allowing what his counsellor called circular thinking, focusing on the what ifs instead of the what nows.

He picked up the notebook, deciding that maybe writing down some things that weren’t assisting him in any way to move on, and in fact were probably sabotaging his efforts, would be a start. He was still watching Javi’s videos and interviews occasionally, and that wasn’t going to help him…well, except maybe if by some miracle Kurt wanted to pursue a friendship. This might help him know a little more about Javi. And Kurt had made it crystal clear that a friendship with him meant a friendship with Javi as well….or at least a friendly rapport. Blaine would take anything Kurt had to offer. Now that was pathetic if not disgustingly desperate! Instead of hoping for a possible crumb of a friendship, he should be trying to figure out why he was putting himself through this trial by fire. And beating himself up wasn’t helpful either.

When he’d finished his dinner, he placed his dishes in the dishwasher, sitting down again to finish his glass of wine. He glanced at the TV and realized he hadn’t watched a single play of the game and now some mindless sitcom was on. Maybe he’d turn in early. It wasn’t like he didn’t have other things to entertain himself besides watching TV. He hadn’t really felt very sociable lately. He tried to go out with friends if for no other reason than to escape this apartment. Why did he never think of it as the home he’d shared with Barry? Not really in the mood for video games, though that would provide the perfect distraction. Music? A book maybe? He’d been reading The Boys in the Boat lately, interesting enough to hold his attention, he hoped. He sprawled out on the bed, put his earbuds in and turned to the bookmarked page 27.

In San Diego, it was cool enough that at the least heavy sweaters were in order. But it wasn’t cold and probably rainy New York, Kurt thought, as he carried the sleeping bags they had found hidden in the back of a coat closet to a patch of grass behind the pool. According to the reports, it would be a perfect evening for stargazing! Javi followed with a cooler full of munchies, two thermos of coffee and a blanket.

After everything was in its place, they laid down on the sleeping bags, Kurt taking Javi’s hand in his own, loving the warmth of his skin against the brisk air surrounding them. It had been a mother of a week for both of them. Kurt had to concentrate on tests and a recital squeezed between the bookends of pressure before Christmas break and Javi had made a two-day trip to LA following his Christmas release of Noche de Paz (Silent Night). Most of the time he really loved giving interviews, not just for the sake of promotion, but because he was a true people person. And along with questions about the song, there were inquiries about his trip to Monterrey for their music festival and then to Albuquerque for the New Year’s holiday. It still amazed him how far a person would travel for a music festival or even a live performance, but then Latinx artists didn’t travel the US from coast to coast generally speaking. About as far east as they’d ever played was Chicago, New York and Miami, obviously because of their large Hispanic and Latinx populations. But tonight all the rush was behind them and they were hoping to spend a quiet weekend all alone.

“Doesn’t this make you feel insignificant?” Kurt wondered, referring to the black expanse of sky above them dotted with glimmering stars. “On the contrary, mi amor! It makes me feel very significant! To think that after creating all those stars and planets someone thought we were important enough to create, too? It’s mind boggling.” Kurt smiled and said, “Sometimes the way you think…” “There will never be another Kurt or another Javi just like you and me, Kurtito, never!” Kurt poured a cup of espresso for Javi and then a cup of medium-strength coffee for himself, “To us, to our existence and our uniqueness!” and Kurt took a sip, warming his hands on the plastic cup. Javi put his cup on the grass and leaned in to give Kurt a warm and loving kiss, “Mmmmmm….weak coffee but you make it taste like something worth trying again,” Javi smiled as he kissed him one more time, “I missed tasting you this week, mi bebe,” Kurt shivered, and not from the cold. He loved it whenever Javi said that, about tasting him, and he said it a lot. It made him feel like a delicious treat he was taking just a tiny bite of now, but was hoping to savor the rest of later. Kurt put his cup down and placed his warmed hands on his lover’s cheeks, pulling him closer and kissing him slowly and seductively, “I hate being away from you, mi Javi….” He drew Kurt closer, returning his kiss, “Shhhhh mi amor, I’m not away from you now…..” and he gathered Kurt into his arms, lowering him to the ground and running his hand through Kurt’s thick hair, over his face and down his neck, burying it under the collar of his thick wool sweater, “I can’t see the stars from here,” Kurt giggled against Javi’s inquiring lips, “oh I think I can fix that, mi buscador de estrella (star seeker)…” “Not fair, calling me names…..” “Oh, shut up my star seeker….and I’ll show you some real stars….” he tickled Kurt’s tongue with his own, taking a taste of every responsive area he knew so well, checking out a few new ones, and then opening their mouths wide, sinking into their kiss until Kurt begged to come up for air, “Planets…can you create planets too?…” Javi laughed and released him somewhat unwillingly, “Later….I need some sustenance, let’s see what you’ve tucked away in this cooler.” Kurt sat up, his hair falling across his forehead, and handed him a bag of fruit and cheese and a half loaf of crusty bread. He’d also included some energy bars, some bottled water and even a rarity, a bag of potato chips and some dip. “So you’d rather eat than share passionate kisses?” Kurt teased. “Oh no, mi amor, that was just a teeny foretaste; I almost starved without your lips when I was in LA and I’m counting on you to keep me well fed this weekend,” he smiled.

As they enjoyed their picnic, chattered about news from Lima and commented on the occasional shooting star, Kurt could tell that Javi’s mind was somewhere else, and finally he asked, “Okay, what’s on your mind, mi Javito?” Javi looked up at him and said, “Oh, it’s nothing really; well, that’s not true. It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately…and we need to discuss it.” Kurt glanced over at Javi with a worried look. “Oh Kurt don’t look….like that. It’s just a little relationship maintenance and I should have brought it up a long time ago…but anyway, HIV testing…and to make this a little less awkward and erase that look from your face, I get tested regularly every six months and I was last tested right before you arrived in San Diego.” Kurt’s face went from worried to relieved, not that AIDS wasn’t concerning, but, “I started getting tested regularly right after Blaine…well, and then after it happened again…anyway, yeah I get tested every six months. The last time was before I left New York and I’ve been meaning to find a primary care doctor…” Kurt had imagined every catastrophe known to man in the time it had taken Javi to speak his mind.

“That’s all we need to say and all we need to know. You can use my doctor if you want. It’s just that…it’s time for me to be tested again and that’s what brought it to mind. I didn’t mean to frighten you, mi amor,” he reached for Kurt’s hand and kissed it, “now that that’s out of the way, and we’re done with our picnic, a little dessert maybe?” He smiled wickedly. As he and Kurt cleaned up the leftovers and stowed them away in the cooler, he said, “But let’s get inside. When it comes to lovemaking, I do love the great outdoors, except when it’s cold.” Kurt didn’t ask about his thoughts and ideas on sex in the great outdoors, all he could think about was their adventure in the pool. Knowing Javi, he’d find out soon enough and doubted he’d be disappointed.

Damn that dream! Blaine lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. In the two years since he and Kurt had been apart, he’d dreamt about Kurt or he and Kurt maybe ten times, most of them long forgotten, but not this one. This one was a haunting combination of a dream he’d had before, throwing in some additional weirdness for good measure. It was like a revolving patchwork of he and Kurt’s relationship, coming and going, leaving and staying….and these freaky, what looked like Chinese symbols floating around. And the thing about singing Spanish lullabies? Obviously, that wasn’t him! Nothing like a trilingual dream to get a person’s attention. And then all the stuff about forgetting and leaving him alone…and the worst part, the end. It pretty much said it all. He hadn’t just ruined their romance and their future, he’d thrown away his best friend. Despite everything, Kurt had always maintained their friendship. But now Kurt had a new best friend, and a new romance and a new future and Blaine had only himself to blame. Heaving a huge sigh, he got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water, grabbing his notebook. He might as well add this to his saga…and maybe have another glass of wine.

He sat down in his favorite chair, and before he started writing, he decided to text Nate. If nothing else good came out of his Thanksgiving visit, connecting with Nate was a definite plus. He was one of the few friends who hadn’t lived through all or a part of his and Kurt’s lives together. When he talked to Nate, he didn’t feel like he was betraying Kurt or like he was boring him with the same old story, and Nate was a good listener. He could always make him laugh. Blaine had invited him to visit over Christmas. He’d never been to New York so it would be fun to show him the sights. Neither he nor Blaine had any real reason to return to Lima, even though he’d told Kurt he’d be in town. Hoping to see Kurt in Lima was the last thing he needed and seeing him with Javi would only drive home the fact that Kurt now belonged with someone else. He texted Nate, knowing that they’d probably end up calling each other later anyway. Finally, a family member he could relate to.

After the chill air, Javi was in the mood for cozy. He turned on the fireplace in the living room, setting about making the room more snug and intimate. Kurt chose a bottle of wine (that they might drink half of) and two goblets and of course the ever present pitcher of water. He slipped one of the yellow roses Javi had had delivered while he was in LA onto the tray and carried it all into the living room, setting it on one side of the fireplace.

This was the way to start a weekend, especially after the harried week they’d both had. He sat down on the fake fur rug that Javi liked to keep in front of the fireplace in the cooler months. Kurt took off his socks and warmed his feet on the flat hearth. He could hear Javi in the background, doing what he had no idea, so he laid down on the thick fleecy rug, stretching out and closing his eyes. He’d found the blue silk-covered pillow Javi had given him one of the first times they’d made love in this room and laid it beside Javi’s red velvet one. So many memories in this book-lined, lived-in room….in this house already. He listened for Javi’s footsteps mindful of the sexy strains of Calvin Richardson playing in the background. As he heard him approach, Javi said, “I thought you were supposed to be laying naked on that rug….at least that’s what all the stories say, but I don’t mind peeling all of that useless clothing away one piece at a time. Kind of like unwrapping a gift.” Kurt opened one eye, “And why are you still fully dressed Mr. I Love the Word Naked?” “I don’t want to become boring….every once in a while I have to cover up this bodacious body that all my fans crave, Kurtito,” taking a stance that revealed his well-muscled frame.

“Hmmmm…..maybe we’ll invite some of them over to watch….but that’s all, no touching allowed….I can’t give in to all of your fans’ cravings.” “Oh my Kurtito….such a naughty idea from my tiny tom kitty…..let me think about that….it sounds like fun…” Kurt gave him a sideways glance, “I can almost believe you’re serious. Ya know, your fans aren’t the only ones who follow you on social media. Your fans have seen almost as much of you as I have.” Javi tried not to laugh, “My bebe, do I detect some jealousy?” “No, of course I’m not jealous,” Kurt said a little too defensively, and Javi decided to put him out of his misery. He loved this man more than life and certainly didn’t want to start the weekend off this way. He reached for Kurt’s cheeks and tilted his head so their foreheads were touching and they had to look each other in the eye, “I love you and don’t you ever doubt that. My fans may have my presence, but only you have all of me, my mind, my body, my soul. They can look all they want but only you will ever get to touch me in ways they’ll never know. Mi hermoso amante (my beautiful lover), I never thought I’d find you and now that I have I’m never letting you go. I’m not sure this body can contain all the love I feel for you.” Kurt wrapped his arms around Javi, laying his head on his shoulder and kissing his neck. “Javi….” But Javi didn’t let him finish. He slowly laid him down onto the decadence of the rug, not letting them lose eye contact, “You are exquisite, my love…., ” he softly kissed his eyelids, then his cheeks, then the tip of his nose, finally capturing Kurt’s lips, “As I said before, I almost starved without these and I’m still very hungry….I hope you’re prepared to satisfy my appetite….” and as Kurt sighed, Javi showed him just how famished he was, lightly snacking on his lips, then his tongue, again, sliding his hands through Kurt’s wavy dark ginger hair, rekindling the fire they’d started earlier with his own moans of ardor…God! He loved their kisses, like all of their senses were in an eddy, swirling over and around each other, all demanding to be satisfied at once, “Mi Kurtito….you’re all I will ever want or need….” Javi drew away slowly and reluctantly, “and I want this night to last…..” They allowed their breathing to slow down….”You want to play a game, don’t you, mi bebe?” Kurt gave Javi an evil grin and Javi smiled back, “How did you know?” “Because you walked in here with all of your clothes on…at the very least you would have removed that sweater….I’m right aren’t I?”

“Hmmmm…..I’m getting predictable. I’ll have to work on that….we don’t want to resort to my fans watching…” “Stop it or I won’t play your game,” Kurt gave him a pretend pout. “Okay….okay…..I don’t have a name for this game yet, but it’s sort of like Monopoly because it can take a very very long time to play…and let’s call it “What I Like.” Si? And since it’s kind of like Monopoly, I’ll even be the cat token….and you can be the cannon token.” Kurt gave him a look of suspicion, “You’ll be the cat? Does that mean I can call you silly names like alley cat….or Mexicat? Fluffy? How about mi gatito sucio?” “You would call me your dirty kitty, Kittito?” “If the collar fits..and don’t call me Kittito,” Kurt giggled as he playfully licked Javi’s face with his tongue. “Get away from me, Kittito!” Javi laughed, trying to fight him off, “okay, you can call me silly names, mi tiny tomcat!” “Oh, no, you said I could be the cannon….but why the cannon?” “Because you’re so very good at creating explosions, mi amor…and you have yet to disappoint me. So, do you want to play with me…or do you have homework…or dusting or laundry to do?” “Oh my dirty kitty, you’re my only homework tonight…but I may need some help….so how is this game of yours played? Is it something I can win?” “Maybe….but I don’t think you’ll care….in fact I may even let you win…” Kurt laughed again, “So what are the rules?” “Very simple, Kittito, we tell each other something we like about each other, not just our bodies, anything. The only rule is it has to be the first thing that pops into your head. I’ll even let you go first.” “Yes!,” Kurt cheered, “but can we get out of these sweaters? I’m plenty toasty by now.” Javi reached for the hem of Kurt’s gray wool sweater and removed it, along with the T-shirt underneath. “Oh my, I do like that,” Javi ventured, but Kurt reminded him he was going first. Then, Kurt slid Javi’s black sweater over his head, and underneath was confirmation that Javi indeed had planned to play a game. He wore one of Kurt’s favorite tunics, gold see-through mesh, peppered with sparkles, revealing Javi’s well-muscled chest and arms. He almost looked nude in it, which was most certainly intentional. He’d seen him wear this in concert, was it any wonder some of his fans craved more than his singing? He attempted to reach underneath it, but Javi interrupted his efforts, “No touching, not yet! This is purely a cerebral exercise,” to which Kurt replied, “Yeah right” under his breath.

Javi nodded for Kurt to start. “I like your hair and I know you know that but it’s the first thing that popped into my head. Your hair reminds me of the sky tonight, so dark and shiny. I just love the way it feels when it tangles around my fingers and when it’s all messed up you look like a little boy, a very little boy…but I’m glad you’re not a little boy. Is it okay to like two things at once? But it was the second thing that popped into my head…and if you were a little boy we wouldn’t even be here….oh, all right…it’s your turn.”

“I like your dimples, especially when you try to hide them like you’re doing now, and you look down at the floor and start blushing. You do that every time I tell you I like your dimples and it’s muy lindo (so cute)!” “I’m not blushing,” Kurt attempted unsuccessfully.” And there’s that little pout that I love…yes, just like that…muy muy lindo!”

“I like your skin, the way it feels, the color. The night we met all I wanted to do was reach out and play with your hair and touch your skin. Really! That’s what I wanted to do.” Now it was Javi’s turn to blush, although his coffee-and-cream-colored skin made it hard to tell.

“I like your imagination. When you called me Tuesday night and wanted to play phone tag? I was totally unprepared, mi amor! Delightfully unprepared! I was glad I’d remembered to bring my phone tag essentials with me.”

“I like your annoying sense of humor, even when you give me names like Kittito and Buffy and dirty Kurty. Someday I fully expect one or all of them to show up in your songs.”

“I love your heart, mi amor. You leave it open just enough to give bits and pieces of it away while somehow still guarding it against a world that will break it if it can. And even if your beautiful heart gets broken….you learn from it and use the wisdom the pain offers.”

“I love your….yearning for the unseen….and I envy your faith….and I love that you offer me a glimpse while I wait to see a larger picture.”

“I love your eyes, mi amor. I think I’ve seen every color under the sun in your eyes, the way they flash and dance. You have bedroom eyes….not in the classic sense. I don’t know if I can explain what I mean. All I know is when I look into your eyes, I somehow want to charm you into my bedroom and definitely not for sleeping.”

“But you DO have classic bedroom eyes, Javito, and don’t tell me no one has ever told you that. Those eyes almost send out an engraved invitation to your bedroom and definitely NOT for sleeping.”

“I love knowing you’re going to be here when I come home…and that you love being here…with me, that you love us.”

“I love your sense of style,” Kurt said, neither realizing they had switched from like to love, you’re not afraid to wear anything you like….or I like…I think that top is a fine example,” he started to reach over to touch Javi’s chest again, “No! Kittito, how are you going to win if you don’t play by the rules….are you trying to cheat? Or maybe you’ve got another game in mind…we can always start this game over anytime.””Hmmmm…..is that an engraved invitation I hear? And you’re the one who’s cheating, my alley Mexicat! You said you’d be the cat but you won’t stop calling me Kittito….that’s so unfair….and if you keep it up I might have to use my claws on you….”

Javi couldn’t stop laughing, “Woah! Listen to the cannon roar!….But using your claws on me? Hmmmm….I think a cannon with claws is a fine idea……kinda hot….yes, a hot cannon with claws….” and in one swift move, Kurt pushed him to the floor falling down beside him, “I’ll show you a cannon with claws,” Javi was still laughing and trying to catch his breath when Kurt trapped his lips beneath his own, first subduing his laughter-intoxicated lover, until the only sound he could hear was the sound of their tattered breathing. He may not have won the game but he was pretty sure he’d win the war….a cannon with claws indeed, Javi.

After he had Javi right where he wanted him, he withdrew his lips just enough to softly murmur against Javi’s, in between feather-kisses and nibbles, “And I forgot…I love your soft full lips….and the way they tremble sometimes right before you decide to devour mine….and I love the way they part just a little bit…..right here, mi tiny tom…..barely enough space to do this….” Kurt used the very tip of his tongue to test that inviting crevice between Javi’s lips, tracing his tongue around the underside, “and to do this….” Kurt took his face in his hands, and with seeming impatience, lowered his mouth, enveloping Javi’s body in a fury of passionate sensations. Javi took one of Kurt’s hands from his face and placed it over the zipper of his jeans and then placed his own hand over the zipper of Kurt’s jeans.

Kurt didn’t have to wonder what Javi wanted, simultaneous unzipping! But before that…..Kurt loved this part, it made him feel like a teenager, a virgin teenager, all those wants and desires….only now they’d be satisfied eventually….he loved the part before eventually almost as much as he loved arriving at eventually. The handiwork began on the outside, massaging what lay beneath the zippers, not letting go of the kiss. So tempting….listening to the echoes of their moans, their desire…..so hard….so very hard…feeling their body’s involuntary response. Kurt pulled Javi tightly against him turning him onto his back, rolling over on top of him. “Oh my poor little Mexicat…..look at you…all pinned down like this…,” Kurt had taken Javi’s hands in his, fastening his upper body to the rug, slowly and intentionally grinding his hips against Javi’s in the way only Kurt knew how to do; he’d been blessed with Elvis hips, and Javi was the benefactor. Kurt had learned to play this game quite well….he knew how to tease….and when to stop….or start….or stop again….and he knew when it was time to move on to level 2 or 3 or 4……he looked down at Javi one more time, those eyes now black as coal…..he let go of his hands and both rolled over so they were facing each other on their sides….Reaching for the buttons on each other’s jeans, they quickly unsnapped them. And then the zippers….at the same time zzziiipppp! Why did that sound so deliciously obscene? They stood up hastily removing their jeans…..and Kurt didn’t even have a chance to speak before Javi pulled him close, kissing him with abandon and grabbing his hand. Oh my god! Javi was wearing a gold mesh see-through thong to match his tunic and before Kurt knew it, his hand was holding Javi’s firm cock inside the thong, and Javi had slid his hand into Kurt’s red bikinis, holding Kurt’s equally hard prick.

This was heaven, the thought raced through Kurt’s mind. Flesh against flesh, no clothing in between, was still a new experience for them. No matter Javi’s philosophy about nakedness, there was something to be said for clothing….the right kind of clothing….the image of his Javito standing before him in that tunic and thong…..their playful hands and fingers exploring….their mouths so warm and wet…..Kurt yanked the thong down and then did the same with his bikinis, his hands grasping Javi’s butt cheeks, his short fingernails kneading and scratching just enough to be sensual, Kurt relishing his lover’s satisfying moans. Kurt held him firmly against his body, each of them rubbing against the other…… He felt Javi’s knees buckle as he drew them both to the floor again. Kurt could barely wait to take them both in one hand……it had been so long since he’d done this….the sensation of holding their hardness together in his hand was intoxicating…..he began slowly, finding his rhythm….he wanted to prolong this if he could…..it felt so so good…..He returned his attention to Javi’s lips, moving down his neck – Kurt’s weakness, he loved it when Javi extended his neck to one side, leaving it so vulnerable – Javi reached for Kurt’s hair, holding it tightly as if anchoring himself. He, too, had forgotten how good this felt….how intimate…..and Kurt knew what he was doing……”Kurt…..my God this feels sooooo……oh si more……more…..” and Kurt kept it slow but increased the tension, “like that mi bebe?” “Si oh yes…yes…yes…” Kurt was watching Javi’s face…..lost in feelings…..he loved watching him like this….pleasing his Javi, taking his body and mind into some uninhibited playground….”Javi you make me so horny…..”Mi amor…..make me….now…..make me….” “Make you what?”, Kurt whispered, “make you what, mi sexy Mexicat……you want me to make you…..?” “God Kurt…..stop teasing…..” Kurt smiled, “I’m not teasing…..no no I’m not teasing…..tell me what you want mi Javi……soooo hot is what you make me…But what is it you want me to make you……come?….don’t you……say it….I know that’s what you want….you want to feel us together all wet and warm……and ohhhhh how it feels….soooo good…..Javi…..tell me……” Kurt persisted, loving what he was seeing and feeling….and hearing….”You want me to make you…..? “Si make me come……now……now….. please….yes yes yes….please….mi…..” And when Javi had mentioned explosions earlier? It felt like their bodies were somehow merging…and as Kurt had said, all wet and warm together. They lay there for the longest time silently…..feeling so close…maybe closer than they ever had and when Kurt attempted to move his hand, Javi stopped him, “Mi amor I love your hands on me….not yet….” and he leaned into Kurt, kissing him, holding him close. “You won….you literally have me in the palm of your hand,” he chuckled, and they were quiet again, not quite ready to let it end.

“Mi Javito?” Kurt asked. “Hmmmm, si, mi amor….what is it?” “Did you really mean what you said earlier…I don’t mean did you mean it…..more like do you really believe it’s true? Do you really believe in a love like that? That a body can’t contain all the love they feel for someone? That you never have to doubt? Do you really believe all those things you like about me?”

Javi leaned up on one elbow and looked questioningly at Kurt. “What’s bothering you, mi amor? Si, of course I believe in a love like that, and yes I believe that all the love I feel for you, sometimes it can’t be contained, sometimes it’s overwhelming. I know….because I’ve lived it once….and because I’ve lived it once…..I’m able to love you that way all the more. I would never ever have told you I loved you if I thought for one second I’d take those words and those feelings back. And no you don’t have to doubt….you will….I will….but we don’t have to. And I have a list a million times longer than what I said tonight of all the things I like and love about you. Where’s this coming from, mi amorcito?”

Kurt sighed, “It’s just something Dr. Mason said in counselling the other day. We were talking about Blaine…and about you….and the differences in our relationships. She asked me to write down everything I’d loved about Blaine and all the things I love about you…and then to write down the things I didn’t like…or that could be worked on…I mean if Blaine and I were still together…and what you and I could work on.” Javi nodded, “And?” “And what?” “What should we work on, love?” Kurt looked bemused, “I….I don’t know, I haven’t started to write it all down yet.” “Maybe we should both work on it. You’re thinking there’s nothing we need to work on, right?” “Well, yeah, I mean I’ve never been happier.” “Mi Kurtito, every relationship has things that need to be worked on and I’m actually glad Dr. Mason brought that up. Life changes, problems arise, we change….every relationship is a work in progress…or it should be, but the key word is progress.”

Kurt laid his head down on the soft silky pillow, looking at Javi with a thoughtful expression. “Javi…Javi, I love you so very much, and you’re right. It feels like my body can’t contain it all right now. You are everything I’ve ever wanted. If I lost you….” “Shhh, mi Kurtito, I’m not going anywhere that you can’t follow.” As they held each other lightly, finally falling into easy conversation, the fire warmed them, the wine relaxed them and soon they were fast asleep.

“No! Everything’s changed!” Kurt was stunned awake by the end of yet another dream…some of it seeming in sharp focus, other parts fuzzy and….dark? Antonio….speaking to him? Blaine?….Javi? Were they even all in the dream? But it was Antonio’s voice, in English, shouting, “No! Everything’s changed!” Glass shards all over a floor…..Blaine somewhere….Javi? He was standing in front of Kurt….but where were they? Kurt had been crying….in the dream? But his cheeks were wet; he’d been crying in his sleep. He looked over at Javi and took one of his sleep-limp hands in his, feeling a rush of reassurance. He held the hand to his cheek and then kissed the palm and laid it back down on the rug. Kurt got up, wiped the tears from his face and found a blanket. He carried it back to where they’d been sleeping and covered them both as if to protect them from whatever was….out there.

Kurt lay down behind Javi, spooning himself against his warm body and pulling the cover up, even though the room was pleasantly cozy. His body and his mind were hungry for calming assurance for what and why he wasn’t sure; all he knew was Javi was now his anchor, his safety net. “I love you more than you’ll ever know Javier Ramos Ruiz,” he murmured. When he’d again fallen into the comfort of sleep, Javi took Kurt’s arm and laid it across his waist, smiling.