CHAPTER 6 THE DANCE

They were seated on a lightweight blue blanket in the Hummel’s back yard. The shade provided by a huge oak tree protected Kurt’s sensitive skin. The soft, sweet-smelling breeze rustled the leaves above as they enjoyed the warmth and the scents of spring. The excitement of sectionals lay ahead, only a few short weeks away. The secret set lists, each group’s well-practiced dance routines? Much as they wanted to compare notes, they couldn’t and wouldn’t. It would be the equivalent of competition suicide…and possibly homicide….if it was ever discovered whose slip of the tongue had provided an advantage for another show choir in the competition. But that didn’t stop them from singing! In a sense, their love of music had been what brought them together. Glee Club and the Warblers had provided the backdrop. He and Finn’s obvious need for dance lessons had initially created a reason (like they needed one?) for them to continue to get together. As they harmonized with the gentle wind, Burt smiled to himself as he silently prepared the grill on the patio. His father’s heart couldn’t help but grasp the joy he felt! He’d scanned his memory over the 16 years of Kurt’s life and honestly couldn’t remember a time when Kurt seemed so content. If Blaine Anderson was the source of Kurt’s newfound happiness that was fine with him.

Kurt reached across the blanket for Blaine’s hand as they finished the final chorus of We Are the Champions. What he really wanted to do was to shove him to the blanket and tackle his prone body with a million kisses, but….not with his dad right there on the patio. He may be close to his dad and he may share almost everything with him, but he didn’t want to embarrass any of them with his idea of PDA gone awry. Besides, the porch, or as he and Blaine had playfully dubbed it, the make out hangout, wasn’t going anywhere…and Finn had used it last night, so according to the terms of their unwritten tradeoff, tonight was for him and Blaine. It still started getting dark around 6:30 and Burt planned to grill steaks on the patio. It was his specialty and his forte when it came to cooking. They didn’t want to miss that!

If this week had been a play with him in the starring role, Blaine would have collapsed from exhaustion. What a week! Sebastian had been in stalker mode, seemingly lurking behind every corner in Blaine’s routine path around Dalton. Fed up, he’d finally just told him to take a hike. Well, not like that of course. He basically told him he was a nice guy but he wasn’t interested in anything else. It wouldn’t really have helped to tell him that he found him sneaky and arrogant most of the time. Clearly trying to save face, Sebastian had shrugged a shoulder and said, “That’s good actually. I’ve been seeing someone from Van Wert…I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors.” And yes, Blaine had heard them, but suspiciously thought that Sebastian had probably made them up himself! Why else was he still setting his sights on Blaine? He tried not to think too hard about it; Sebastian wasn’t a goal he’d ever choose for himself.

By this time, Blaine had made friends with other guys who were brave enough to ask him about his sexual orientation making it easier for them to talk about theirs. A couple had initially approached him because he and Kurt were on the Dalton grapevine alert, which came as no surprise to Blaine. A few were a year older or younger than he was, but that didn’t matter. They were all just grateful that they’d found another in their not always so secret minority to commiserate with. At Dalton, for the most part, the live and let live policy seemed to work well.

There were rarely the problems that Kurt faced at McKinley, but as yet no one had confronted him about Blaine. Ever since Finn had taken on the role of big brother, his life had become a bit easier. And now he had the kids in Glee Club, too. He still walked among the snide remarks, the sideways glances, the whispers and laughter, but Finn made it his business to put the bullies in their place (usually in the dumpster where Kurt had once lived on almost a daily basis).

And then there’d been the uneasy conversation he’d had with his mom. His first choice of a confidant would have been one of his burgeoning group of relatively new friends, but that was part of the problem, they were too new. Preferably, someone who was in or at least had been in a relationship, but he just wasn’t that comfortable with any of them yet. Finn had been on his short list for awhile, and he trusted him…but what if he unintentionally let something slip to Kurt? He’d even considered Burt, but he didn’t think that would be fair. What if Kurt approached him with a similar question? Sure, he could give them both the same advice, but it would leave him stuck in the middle…and although he couldn’t imagine Burt being upset, he thought if he were Kurt’s dad, he might be overly concerned. He’d laughed when the fleeting thought of bringing this to his own father crossed his mind. He hadn’t even given it the chance to take root; all it would bear was poisonous fruit. It would be awkward…even embarrassing…and he dreaded that part, but who else was there? He tried putting a brave face on it. Lately, he’d actually welcomed chats with his mom. True, she almost always initiated their tete-a-tetes, but her interest in Blaine was genuine. And after basically living as strangers for so many years, it didn’t always feel like he was talking to his mother. More and more she was becoming….how did he say this? Like a counselor? An advisor? What did it matter? He needed something more than the convoluted and contradictory explanations he found on Google.

That sigh of relief! The moment his dad closed the door behind him, suitcase in hand – it was like the entire house itself dispensed with the apprehension Laine’s presence created. The sense of heaviness dissipated and the two of them could quit pretending the floors were covered in eggshells. This 4-day trip would provide him with lots of time to talk with his mother. And that was another thing! Blaine no longer felt as if he were talking “at” her.

It seemed ridiculous that they felt they needed to waste their time concerning themselves with Laine’s presence. He spent most of his time freezing them out anyway! But it was always tense when he was around and Blaine didn’t want to have that hanging over him when he was talking with his mom about something this important. In a way, it seemed ironic that he would be approaching her with these complicated questions. It was obvious she no longer lived with someone who evoked this kind of emotion in her and maybe she never had, but he hated to think that she’d never known what love felt like.

“Let’s go out, Blaine!” Barb felt almost lighthearted now that he was gone. “Ellen recommended a restaurant I’d like to try,” she said, “I haven’t gone out to dinner in ages and those civic dinners with their cookie-cutter menus do not count!” She almost said something like, “Ding dong the witch is dead! We have something to celebrate!” but of course she didn’t.

Old City Prime was an upscale old-style steakhouse where what used to be called “surf and turf” was their specialty. Fresh seafood flown in daily, mouthwatering steaks. In short, not where you would likely take your vegetarian friends. Before they even took a seat at their table, they knew seafood would be their choice. Fresh seafood in Lima was akin to finding pearls in the Mississippi River. As part of her “businessman’s wife in training” she’d learned long ago how to keep a conversation moving. Of course, conversing with your teenage son was hardly the same as holding the interest of the person sitting next to you at a Kiwanis dinner…..but….she supplied the small talk to fill the lulls until the dishes bearing their favorite seafood arrived.

They each took a bite confirming that Ellen’s recommendation was warranted. Making an effort to take the wary look from Blaine’s face and put him at ease she said, “Thanks for providing an excuse for us to eat out, Blaine. What’s on your mind? It’s usually me asking the questions, so this is kind of a welcome surprise!” Blaine smiled, even though he was nervous. “Mom…I feel sort of weird asking you this, but….well,” he sighed. Barb waited, allowing him all the time he needed. “How do you know if you love someone?” Even with all the background noise in the restaurant, it still felt like all the sound and air had been sucked out of the room. Barb sipped some of her ice-cold water, hoping to buy a little time. Considering what he’d seen of marriage, she was shocked he’d come to her with this question…but then who else was he going to ask? She assumed he meant in a romantic sense, so obviously he couldn’t ask his boyfriend. Giving him a thoughtful look, she smiled at him over the top of her reading glasses she’d forgotten to remove. “I assume we’re talking about Kurt, but….” “Yeah, I mean I know I’m in love with him, but from all I’ve read, apparently there’s a difference.” Kids were so different these days from when she was growing up, but generational changes were normal, that was the way it was supposed to be. Back when she was a teen no one gave a second thought to such nuances. If there was a distinction between being “in love” and “love,” no one she knew ever talked about it.

Taking another forkful of scallops, she considered what to say. “When I was your age, and yes there really was a time when I was your age, I fell in love with a boy named James. First love is so exciting! It only lasted a few months. Along with being my first love, he was also my first heartbreak. The heartbreak felt almost like the beginning when we were in love….I couldn’t eat or sleep for about a week. Blaine, I’ll be honest, first love rarely lasts. Who knows why….but you’re right, being in love and loving someone is different. I’m not sure I can even explain it. Sometimes the being in love part goes hand in hand with truly loving someone. But it almost always changes like everything in life. Truly loving someone takes work. Ideally, love is wanting what’s best for the other, but….well, life and people aren’t perfect. And you certainly haven’t had the best example of what love looks like, I know. Respect is a must. I’m not answering your question very well….Love isn’t just a feeling….it’s something you’d stake your life on, I guess….””Mom….” How do you ask your mother a question like this? Leap into the deep end of the pool feet first?, “Did you….did you love Dad when you got married?” Surprisingly, Barbara seemed to relax into this question. “I loved him so much! I’d known him for a few years and we seemed to have so much in common. When he finally seemed to really notice me? I can’t even tell you how it made me feel..I thought he was the man of my dreams…..” coming back from the past, she realized she’d almost said, “and now he’s my worst nightmare.” “But enough of that, you’re asking me what it feels like to love Kurt, right?” “Yeah…I mean I think I love him….he’s well he’s….everything, Mom. I can’t picture life without him now.” He ignored what she’d said about first love rarely lasting. And he was positive if they ever broke up, he’d never eat or sleep again. A week would be nothing! They’d be one of the exceptions he was sure. So did that mean he loved Kurt?

Barb sat up a little straighter in her chair, capturing Blaine’s hazel-eyed gaze, “Do you believe Kurt loves you? I’m assuming he hasn’t told you that since you’re asking me what love looks like. Blaine, I’m only going on what I’ve seen and you’ve told me since you met him. You’ve been together for what?….around 6 months? This is just an opinion, but deep down you know if you love him and if you do, you should tell him. A guess here, but he’s probably wondering the same thing about you, but doesn’t know how or when to say it. Telling him is a risk. It makes you vulnerable, but….all that being in love and loving someone entails? That doesn’t happen every day. Some people never know what it feels like…and if you’re going to love someone you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.”

Taking their time finishing their meal, they reverted to small talk, Blaine’s mind never far from the topic of discussion earlier. She was right; he did know that he loved Kurt….and he believed Kurt loved him. After all, what was all of their “me tooing” really saying? It had become a substitute for the words that would…..make them….vulnerable. It was time, past time really. And what lay beyond vocalizing the truth? That was for the future to decide.

Slowly and gingerly, Barb lay down on the bed, reaching for the bottle of extra-strength ibuprofen she always kept close at hand. Years of struggling with migraines had taught her the intricacies of dealing with them. After swallowing three gel caps with water, she quickly turned off the bedside lamp. The comforting midnight of the darkened room enveloped her. She’d give it 20 minutes. If the headache didn’t subside, she’d try the new prescription she’d been given, hoping that it lived up to the hype surrounding it.

Soooo many secrets….Blaine was only 15, why burst his bubble? Heartbreak was just part of living and as the song said…..our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” She didn’t want her son to miss the dance. It wasn’t like he was asking her about marrying someone. This was his first love, not his whole future.

But she’d really had to work at not letting the bitterness of what “love” had done to her to infect their conversation. Her heavy heart’s familiarity with this hellish purgatory wanted to scream something like, “Run, Blaine! You don’t need what might come later so it’s best to avoid it all together!” Of course she knew not all relationships and marriages ended up like theirs. But you pretty much had a 50/50 chance of divorcing the person you married. She knew it sounded hard-hearted, but in her mind people were in love with the idea of marriage, having a satisfying, loving relationship with a lifelong partner. They always wanted to believe that somehow theirs would be the one that would survive; that they wouldn’t end up with a relationship that sucked your life and identity right out of you; one that you stayed in more for practical reasons than any sort of love.

She’d become an expert at not examining the past. She tiptoed around it. But occasionally, like tonight, it had come crashing into her here and now like a meteor slamming into Earth. Laine may have his secret life, but Barb had her own securely locked closet containing a solitary skeleton – and for whatever reason, Blaine’s questions had left a meteoric pit, shattering her perceived security. Perhaps it was because she’d spent so many years avoiding Blaine. God! The irony of that! And now, in letting him in, she couldn’t keep the secret buried in that damn closet where she hid everything else from herself.

Her large family, with her as the oldest, almost guaranteed that she’d either grow up with a highly developed motherhood gene or the desire to live the rest of her life in a relationship built for only two. She had never considered the latter option, not even for a second. The picket-fenced yard in her imagination always contained two children. Gender didn’t matter. And, of course, she and Laine had talked about it before getting married. He hadn’t been as enthusiastic about the idea as she was, but he wasn’t against the idea either. He just seemed sort of…. lukewarm, not disinterested, just…..half-hearted? Indecisive? Whatever, Barb had taken that as a maybe that she could turn into a yes….maybe coaxing him into removing the “in” from indecisive? Didn’t every man want a boy to carry on his name? Well, of course there was no guarantee they’d have a boy, but like lots of women she thought that once the baby arrived he’d fall madly in love with him or her. As if! She should have had the word “naive” tattooed across her chest!

Biding her time, she’d waited until about five years into their marriage. And by that time, she thought she knew about all of his infidelities, indiscretions (but apparently not yet about the biggest betrayal of all), all of those wishy-washy words her circle used for other more common cliches like sleeping around, having a fling, cheating, having an affair. And stupidly, she’d really thought a child would change that? He was gone more often than not and when he was home, he paid little attention to her except for in the bedroom….yet she’d convinced herself that a child would captivate him? Had she even once considered what that child’s life would be like with a father like Laine? No, she’d kept her blinders on and selfishly decided that even if Laine didn’t come around at least her child would have her. And hadn’t that worked out well, Barb?

She’d spent half the day picking up the phone receiver (cell phones weren’t yet the norm), starting to punch in the long-memorized number and then quickly hanging up. She walked by the phone for what seemed like the hundredth time, this time on the way to the kitchen….finally, she turned her mind into a blank slate, made the call and clung to the receiver until a disembodied voice politely asked her if she’d like to make an appointment. Done, she quickly set the receiver down, actually hopping up and down in her excitement. She’d have to wait a month, but she’d waited this long.

As she opened the door to the welcome cool of air conditioning, she glanced around the room, then registered at the desk. The first thing she noticed was that all eyes were studiously reading something, or appeared to be, and if not, that all eyes were glued to their laps or the floor. If someone had actually dropped a pin, it would have been deafening. Occasionally, she’d sense a pair of eyes on her and she’d look up, only to see the sneak peek quickly disappear into whatever was so interesting below. But she knew they were all wondering the same thing – why is she here?

After all the tests results had returned, she made her second visit to the clinic. This time she wasn’t so self-conscious. Today’s appointment would be fun compared to the past physical exam and blood draws. Sitting down in front of the computer screen, the doctor had explained the process and left an assistant to guide her. Taking a deep breath, she opened the program. Somewhere on this site, with just a few keystrokes, she would find the man, identifiable by only a number, who would enable her to become a mother. The photos, the essays…..all part of choosing her son’s future attributes. It was amazing! Despite her disdain for her husband (she could barely stand to look at him anymore), her child had to look like Laine in as much as she could arrange that. It was necessary that Laine not question the paternity. And she’d chosen to have a boy because if she had a girl, Laine might then decide he wanted a boy; maybe his lukewarm attitude would change. She’d already made up her mind that she wasn’t doing this more than once.

As she scrolled through the photos on the screen, stopping to further inspect and read about those she found interesting, her heart started to beat a little faster. If all went well, before the year was over she’d have someone who loved her unconditionally, who needed and wanted her. Someone of her own to love.

And that was one of many reasons she’d chosen IVF over having her own affair. She didn’t want to entangle herself with yet another man, one she might end up having feelings for or one who might actually want to have a child, meaning he might want future contact. It was all too messy.

Fortunately, this was before she and Laine had ceased to share a bed for anything other than sleeping, so when she told him she was pregnant there was no reason for him to think the baby she was carrying wasn’t his. Those 9 months had been some of the happiest of her life. In fact, until Blaine started school she’d showered him with all the attention and love she possessed. She’d loved taking him to school functions, meeting other mothers. Even though there were frequent moves.

And then there was the day she came home to a postcard and then another and another. Her heart had shriveled leaving no room for Laine….not ever again. But in the process she’d closed her heart completely, the idea of rejection building its wall, separating her from Blaine.

Blaine loved spending time at Kurt’s house and not just with Kurt. His family was so much fun! So real! Their home so lived in! Burt and Carole had invited his parents over more than once through Blaine, but Blaine hadn’t delivered the messages yet. His dad was rarely home and he was still getting to know his mom. He didn’t know if she’d feel comfortable in this environment. Maybe someday.

It was early spring and the evenings still had that in-between-seasons chill. Blaine had offered to help Kurt build the fire, but he’d declared it a one-man job, so he’d seated himself on the couch, by now so familiar he swore it actually hugged his contours. As he observed Kurt performing the task that had become routine to him, his mind repeated his mom’s words, what he now considered her sound advice. Out of the entire conversation, his memory had latched onto “you know deep down if you love him or not and if you do you should tell him.”

Buried under all his doubts and uncertainty, all the what ifs, had been the uncomplicated answer. And now, unable to withhold the words that expressed all that he felt for Kurt….it had to be said tonight. Even if Kurt didn’t reply with an impassioned I love you too, even if Kurt wasn’t ready to say it, even if Kurt didn’t feel the same way, he couldn’t keep it inside anymore. It wasn’t like he didn’t know Kurt was in love with him. He’d told him many times. So what if he wasn’t quite where Blaine was? Blaine didn’t have an answer to that question. All he knew was that he loved Kurt and he needed three words instead of two to say it; “me too” wasn’t cutting it for him anymore.

Sebastian had been one of the main topics of their daily texts, but Kurt wanted a detailed description. Blaine had told him that with all of his complaints about the McKinley grapevine, he might want to consider naming a branch after himself. As they nestled into their favorite corner of the couch, Kurt’s arms draped over Blaine’s chest, he described his obvious sneaking around, “Good thing, stalking isn’t a profession!” Blaine laughed, “He’d be out of a job the first day! And I don’t think he was even that upset! After all these months of his flirting and pursuit, I felt a little disappointed! Here I thought I was something special to him. Turns out he’s seeing some guy in Van Wert. Well, supposedly. I think he made that rumor up himself. But either way, someone else can have him as long as it’s not me.”

Kurt smiled, kissing Blaine’s curls, “Well, that just leaves more room for me to tell you how special you are to me, doesn’t it?” Blaine squeezed one of Kurt’s hands, burrowing a little deeper into his embrace, as if there was any more room for that. “How are things going at home?” “The same. When he’s home, my dad only acknowledges my existence at the dinner table or if we actually run into each other and he gives me a polite, “Hi” or something like that. But at least I’ve got my mom, so I’ll take that tradeoff any day.”

“So, when do I get to meet your mom? I know she’s asked because you told me. It doesn’t have to be at your house and, honestly, I don’t want to meet your dad. I have a feeling that would just stir a pot that doesn’t need stirring.”

Blaine wasn’t ready to answer that question. It left him feeling unsettled, although he wasn’t sure why. She seemed eager for an introduction to Kurt. But… he barely knew her himself. After so many years of neglect, he supposed she still needed to gain his trust. “Give me some more time, Kurt. I’m not really ready for that yet. She’s only known about you for a month or so. And….I’m not sure….well, I barely know her, ya know? Don’t worry, we’ll get around to it.”

Kurt let the door to that subject close. He knew all about trust issues. “So I get to be your secret lover for a while longer? Hmmm….I kinda like that idea….maybe even more than meeting your mom,” Kurt chuckled. Blaine playfully tossed a pillow at him, “Yes, I’m going to keep you hidden away in my own private dungeon only letting you out when I want to play!” Kurt caught the pillow, jokingly beating him with it, “And what if I don’t feel like playing? What if I don’t want to be your toy?” And the silly conversation and bouncy pillow flew from there, back and forth, until Blaine was sitting against the back of the couch and Kurt was laying on the floor out of breath and laughing.

Kurt pulled him down to the floor, ruffling his messy curls, and looking into his eyes said, “Blaine Anderson, I’ll be your plaything any time you want me…if you’ll just release me from your dungeon…..now would be nice actually…” Kurt took Blaine’s feverish face into his hands, kissing his waiting lips as if he was a hummingbird sipping nectar, then sliding his hands and arms around his neck. He lazily caressed Blaine’s face and neck with his kisses, his lips finally arriving back where they’d started. Would the sparks every stop flying between them, he wondered? As much as he loved the feel of Kurt’s mouth traversing his skin, it only served to increase his desire for Kurt’s mouth on his….and as soon as their lips touched again, Blaine’s need for Kurt exploded.

Taking control, he pried Kurt’s lips apart with his tongue. So many sensitive and sensual places to rediscover….Kurt loved it when Blaine ran the tip of his tongue over the underside of Kurt’s. Or when he’d seek out his upper or lower lip, lightly biting while slipping his tongue underneath. He savored every moan….every sigh….Kurt’s and his….With their shirts carelessly flung aside, they hungrily devoured each other’s skin with their restless hands and venturous lips, the longing to take it one step further defying their common sense. With great effort, Kurt unwillingly but gently pushed Blaine away, making eye contact, their eyes saying everything their voices had held back for what seemed like years. “Blaine….I….I want to, but not here….not with everybody….you know…and besides..” Blaine nodded, biting his lower lip, brushing Kurt’s cheek with the back of his hand. Blaine knew exactly what the “and besides” meant. He was waiting, just as Blaine had been waiting for the right time, for the certainty that what they would say was true.

As he continued to brush the back of his hand tenderly back and forth across Kurt’s soft cheek, he leaned in again, quietly kissing his inviting lips, then the tip of his turned-up nose, sweetly brushing Kurt’s eyelashes with his lips, and then his fingertips. “Kurt,” he barely whispered, having to clear his throat. His mouth was so dry. “Um….I’ve been waiting to….because I didn’t know….I’ve never been….Kurt,” Those shape-shifting eyes were urging him on, “I’m….well, I’m in love with you….so very much in love with you…and you know…that…but Kurt?…It’s more than that….so much….,” he took a breath and sighed, so frustrated with his fumbling declaration, nothing like the way he’d practiced a million times, “I love you….I’ve….never felt this way about anyone…you’re always on my mind….I love you…Ku….,”

Blaine’s rambling was muffled by Kurt’s mouth on his in a way that felt different….more tender?…..more demanding?….all he knew was that it was unlike any other kiss they’d ever shared. The only sound in the room was their breathing…their longing that required no words, a language unto itself…and then Kurt pulled away again, his translucent eyes smiling into Blaine’s, “I don’t know what to say….um…oh no! I don’t mean it like that! I mean….well this wasn’t really fair….but I….I was waiting for you to say it first…I was afraid that….maybe you weren’t there yet…or needed more time….or maybe….,” Blaine interrupted him, “Or maybe I didn’t feel the same way?” “Yeah…I mean…,” Kurt as frustrated as Blaine had been with what seemed like the uselessness of voicing his feelings. Giving up, he drew Blaine closer, murmuring against his ear, “I love you, too….I love you….too, Blaine.”

Time ceased to have meaning as they laid in each other’s arms, clinging to these moments that neither would ever be able to describe in words. Just when they thought their hearts couldn’t contain any more of anything for each other….the love contained there nudged “me too” aside to make space for “I love you.”

Laine opened his private laptop and clicked on the password-protected folder he’d labeled, “What if.” It was his own personal laundry list of possibilities for the future if he were to reveal his true self…at least to his wife. His analytical mind examining each potential roadblock, he’d determined that he didn’t have to reveal his secrets to anyone but Barb. After all, with her newfound love for Blaine, her main concern would be protecting him. He’d found it odd that Blaine’s coming out as gay would strengthen the same tenuous relationship Barb had appeared to have with their son, but he’d learned long ago not to examine his feelings too closely, even after blathering on to well-paid counselors for years. Thankfully, there would be no more of that.

And honestly, could she hate him any more than she already did? Financial support for both she and Blaine was a given. And? If she threatened to reveal the truth, he’d return her threat with losing financial support. He knew she could make her own way in the world, but again, Blaine would be her main concern. He’d turned the future over in his mind, examining it like a Rubik’s cube…..she might threaten to open Pandora’s box after his duty to Blaine was complete, but that was at least 6 or 7 years away, and by then she might have grown to love her life of guaranteed financial security. In some ways, it was the least he could do, a consolation prize for all the years she’d lived her lonely life without his love. There might be a fly in the ointment if she pursued a romantic relationship at some point, but….he’d deal with that in the if-and-when future. The private investigators he’d hired over the years had all assured him that Barb had no outside love interests. Rubbing the back of his neck, he thought, she’s probably sworn off “love” altogether after being married to me.

Although she probably thought he’d never noticed, he’d watched her love slowly die, her expressive eyes taking on a look of disdain. It had been evident to him, if not to Blaine, the night he’d dropped the live grenade of his sexual orientation into their seemingly empty lives. His explosive, knee-jerk reaction left no doubt that that look was well-deserved. Her revealing his hidden life to Blaine now would serve no purpose that he was aware of. If she ever told him, he was sure it would be after college was done and he was spreading his wings. But then…Blaine couldn’t hate him much more either. And since Blaine was 15, he’d leave it up to him if he wanted visitation. It seemed rather late to build any relationship with him now and he was sure Blaine would feel the same way.

Living like this just wasn’t an option anymore. He wasn’t in love with anyone, male or female. It had taken him years to admit this “aberration” as he thought of it to himself. His heart was so withered from the tight wrapping it had been bound in for so long, the way things were right now was just fine with him. Another body in his bed was all he needed. He’d developed some friendships with the men in his life. Actually, as he’d gotten older he’d started avoiding women. He didn’t really need them and there had been too many close calls in the past. Not that men couldn’t present similar problems, but in general they were more pragmatic.

When he returned to Lima this weekend, he’d tell her. He didn’t think of their house as a home any more than he saw Lima as the place he lived; it was like every other anonymous hotel room he’d occupied. A place to drop his bags until the next trip. He did feel badly about doing this after their recent move. Blaine and Barb had been settled in Appleton and he’d uprooted them once again…and now only to reveal he wanted a divorce. Yes, it was unfair, but he couldn’t help that, he couldn’t change it. Time to tuck it all away in his Documents and take a shower. He had a date for drinks in about an hour. He was looking forward to it and it would take his mind off of his problem-fraught life.

The porch didn’t feel like the porch anymore. How do you define the boundaries of your world after the words “I love you” are released into it for the first time. Not just an I love you from a parent, a relative, a friend. The “I love you” that seemed to be the topic of a million books and conversations, fables…if truth be told the only “I love you” that could change your entire life in a matter of seconds. They’d cuddled up on the thick furry rug in front of the stove. The flicker of the fire danced in their eyes as they enjoyed the brand-new intensity their touches and kisses was inventing. Neither were ready for “all the way,” but that didn’t stop them from wanting to move on to what had once been forbidden territory. With this newfound closeness, they were unable…and even unwilling …to avoid the temptation any longer. It had been held in check since their first kiss….Kurt’s lips on his, Blaine’s hand hovering along the waistband of his jeans, Kurt didn’t stop him when his shaky fingers traced the outline of his hard cock. Blaine had spent many a night trying to imagine what touching Kurt so intimately would feel like. His first thought had been decidedly unromantic….something like…if you have your pants and underwear on, how good could it feel? He’d tried it on himself and it was….well…okay, but he was sure he’d never be able to come that way. Yet, his tentative touch was eliciting all manner of responses from Kurt. Kurt’s hips involuntarily began to move against Blaine’s exploring fingers….Kurt drawing him closer into the kiss. The vibration of Kurt’s moans against his mouth was driving him crazy.

As they lay facing each other, the kissing…the touching….all eliciting quiet moans and heavy breathing, Blaine rolled Kurt onto his back, needing to stop for a moment and wanting to look into Kurt’s eyes again, “Kurt….I meant it when I told you I loved you….I know this sounds kinda corny…but you’re all I ever want, ever….” and with that he kissed Kurt again, moving his fingers over the slide of his zipper, cautiously and clumsily pulling it down as if the teeth of the zipper were taking his caution and attempting to return it to stop. Kurt almost reflexively reached for his hand, “Blaine….” he whispered breathlessly. “I’m only trying to make it….more comfortable… I’m not going to….” Kurt hesitantly moved his hand away and allowed Blaine to outline his hardness again and then down over his balls, the release of the zipper making it much easier to relax.

As Blaine’s lips tiptoed away from Kurt’s, he turned his attention to one of Kurt’s nipples simultaneously caressing his package, increasing the pressure as Kurt responded, moving against his hand, the part of his brain that still operated hoping that no one would knock, wanting to walk through the porch…yet, curiously, the idea of that happening made what they were doing seem even hotter. He hadn’t planned this, but Blaine’s declaration of love had left him totally undone. Ohmigod….Blaine working his magic with his mouth and tongue slowly circling his left nipple, his probing hands and fingers….these raw sensations…. He laid his hand over Blaine’s, tutoring….even that was hot!….Blaine’s hand under his own….like guiding the planchette on a Ouija board to yes. “Ohmigod Blaine….” he whispered…pleading in unintelligible words….no! had he heard a knock? His body tensed for a second….but only for a second as he realized that Blaine’s ministrations hadn’t changed. Relaxing into the rhythm of their lovemaking once more, he allowed Blaine to take control….knowing that he was mere moments away from coming…not caring about the messiness of it. This was Blaine’s hand….not his….tonight, the bottle of baby oil would remain hidden behind shoes in the closet….or maybe it wouldn’t, his imagination reliving these moments, overriding his need for sleep. Despite the barrier of clothing, Blaine’s hand was producing sensations even his imagination hadn’t seemed aware of. Instinctively, he gripped their hands tighter….the steady rise and fall….wanting to hold on, but needing to let go, Kurt came….his hand still covering Blaine’s.

“Kurt….are you okay?” Blaine’s voice arose into the quiet. Kurt smiled to himself and pulled Blaine up to lay beside him. “I’m fine, Blaine….perfect.” Blaine relaxed into Kurt’s shoulder while Kurt recovered. Not that he really wanted to recover….unless recovery meant staying exactly where he was for the rest of his life. He buried his face in Blaine’s hair, contentedly catching his scent, “It feels like I’ve loved you forever,” he murmured.

He gently pushed Blaine onto his back. All he had to do was take one glance into his eyes to see the desire that still lurked there. He half-smiled, hovering over Blaine’s body, his knees sinking into the depths of the cozy rug. He’d carried this idea around with him waiting for the day when it could cease to be part of his fantasy world, instead becoming the reality he now envisioned. Had he read it somewhere online? in a book? It didn’t matter.

“I’ve wanted to do this since the minute I laid eyes on you,” He leaned down, kissing Blaine as he murmured against his lips, “I love you…I’ll always love you…” Blaine’s heart was beating so fast at Kurt’s words, all he could manage to say was, “Do what?” Kurt gave him a devilish grin, “This babe….” Blaine closed his eyes as he felt the touch of Kurt’s tongue on his chin. His concentration divided between Kurt’s ability to drive him crazy with the brush of tongue on skin and his aching prick, he tried to relax and enjoy the slow slide of that tongue stroking his torso…..until it met the resistance of the waistband of his jeans. Moving, so that he was now at Blaine’s side, he played his tongue along the interference of the waistband, delighting in Blaine’s gasp. Releasing the solitary button, he slipped a finger between yet another waistband and bare skin…his tongue following the finger. Slowly….back and forth…finger and tongue….finger and tongue….while Blaine’s fingers were jailed in Kurt’s hair.

The bothersome zipper finally undone, he nervously placed a hand over Blaine’s obvious hard-on…..who knew it would feel like he’d touched a live wire? Exploring, just had Blaine had done earlier, he continued to use his tongue, having slid the waistband down very slightly. Blaine’s fingers still enmeshed in his hair…..his moans begged for release. “Now Kurt please…..now…” he barely whimpered, gripping Kurt’s hair tightly as he came. Laying his head on Blaine’s pelvis, he felt the slow relaxation of his body….the body of this person who had turned his world upside down.

“I love you so much,” Kurt murmured, almost like he was talking to himself. His head still resting on Blaine’s lap, he reached for one of the now relaxed hands that had gripped his hair so tightly. They’d crossed a line tonight. And both could sense it as the fire crackled in the quiet. But surprisingly, Kurt the Cautious, the worrier, the one who was always one step ahead of his decisions, was at peace. But what about Blaine? He was so quiet. He hadn’t uttered a word yet.

“Blaine?” Kurt ventured. “Hmmmm?” “Are you okay…I mean with….this…with us?” Blaine sighed contentedly, “Okay doesn’t begin to describe it,” he said squeezing Kurt’s hand. “But I am a little, um, a little damp? Should I start carrying a spare pair of underwear with me?” If there had ever been any tension, it was now fully broken. Kurt started laughing, getting up from the floor and climbing up the side of Blaine’s body. “Yes, I think that would be a splendid idea.” And when Blaine, replied “Me too,” they started laughing so hard, Kurt had to delay his intended search for the Kleenex box.