CHAPTER 65 FOUR IS COMPANY

CHAPTER 65 – FOUR IS COMPANY

The days of January had swirled around them like a 30-day ride on a merry-go-round, blurring and blending into each other like each turn of a carnival ride. Moving Kurt’s remaining belongings from the loft to the house took little time, Adam and Ethan contributing to the effort, with Kurt and Javi returning the favor. Javi’s upcoming tour had required a handful of day trips to LA. As per usual, it was a work in progress. Sifting through each detail repeatedly, knowing that within the next minute all of their laborious organizing and planning could deconstruct, leaving them with the task of damage control. The tour itself would encompass about four months, February through mid-May, wending its way through Latin America and the southwestern US. It could wreak havoc on their relationship if they allowed it. Pilots and flight attendants would become his new best friends, the skies between his latest engagement and San Diego his lifeline to Kurt. If all went as planned, they would only be separated three of four days at a time. And working around Kurt’s projected schedule, the dates in the US would allow for Kurt to perform Click with him as he had in New Mexico. And ever since his father’s jolting appearance in Monterrey, the tug of Quintana Roo toyed with his heart, knowing his mama was anticipating a visit. He was making tentative plans with Bela….torn between his mama and his desire to leave the memories of Quintana Roo contained in a box in his mind labelled Do Not Open.

Surveying his house one sunny morning, Javi turned to Kurt and said, “Mi amor, before we start carting in all of your worldly possessions, I want you to feel like this house is your home and how about if we start with your bedroom?” Kurt chuckled, taking another bite of toast, “my bedroom? It’s more like a king-size storage closet. Isn’t giving me my own bedroom kind of a step backwards?” he smiled. “No! You don’t have to sleep in there, silly man. You could even remove the bed. But you need some place to be alone with your thoughts….to escape.” When Kurt attempted to protest, Javi raised his hand, “I know you don’t think you need that, but you do and you will. And….I want you to decorate it to suit you.” Ah! Creating his own private work of art? Now that he could get into. “And if you have any ideas for redecorating the rest of the place?….just don’t surprise me with a new stainless steel kitchen or something when I get home from who knows where; let’s talk about it first.” More than anything he wanted Kurt to think of this house as theirs, no longer Javi’s, but theirs. And, Javi reasoned, it would give Kurt something else to focus on when he was gone, something for them, not just a way to avoid thinking about Javi’s absence.

And they needed to be ready to adapt emotionally. Being apart wasn’t a new experience, but this particular scenario was as yet untested. Javi would be spending the next four months airport to airport, hotel to hotel, the travel and performances turning any semblance of a schedule upside down. He knew the rigors of it well, but of course Kurt didn’t and couldn’t be expected to understand the toll it took on your entire being. How it could wear on even the best of relationships. They couldn’t prepare for every eventuality, but being aware of what to expect was a necessity. The rollercoaster ride of changing time zones, flights, transforming himself for the sake of his fans, and never giving less than his best for his own sake very rarely halted long enough for his equilibrium to catch up. Only a year ago, Mexico City would be his welcome home, his downtime a mixture of sleep, unwinding from his yoyo existence, socializing if and when he felt like it. Returning to San Diego was sort of like reprogramming a GPS, constantly recalculating as they maneuvered a new route through their partnership. Kurt would be waiting and his wants and needs deserved consideration. And Kurt’s awareness and expectations needed to be as informed as possible, Javi’s downtime a precious commodity for both of them. Often, that downtime was just a short breather, nothing more than preparation for the next show.

What was he doing, staring off into space curled up into a ball of concentration on the couch, now aware of the stinging pins and needles in his legs? Changing positions, he stretched his legs out full length and laid his head on his favorite pillow on the couch. Here was where he could almost always be found when Javi was gone. And he was….gone, that is. Keeping in touch hadn’t been an issue. They had the gauntlet of Facetime, Skype, calling and texting mastered. If nothing else, Kurt received a good night or good morning text replete with Javi’s favorite emojis……..but, what was he going to do? The ceiling hadn’t changed nor had it provided any new revelations since the last time he’d looked at it and he sighed again. The day after tomorrow might as well have been next Christmas. And if hopping a plane to Peru was a viable option he was certain he’d do it despite Javi’s protests. Agonizing over it wasn’t an answer, but….well, he’d thought about opening up to Adam, after all he was his best friend, but besides being private…and just a bit embarrassing, it wasn’t the way he and Javi had agreed to approach….this situation. He’d divulged it to his notebook, but that had only helped in that it opened his mind enough to consider all sides…and honestly, how many ways were there to say it? Facetime and Skype were just what the doctor ordered for a whole host of conversations, but this topic demanded only one setting, face to face. Frustrated, he ran a hand through his already tousled hair. Too bad he wasn’t a computer, control/alt/delete could work its magic shutting down the thoughts frozen in his brain, allowing him to simply refresh. After all, nothing had happened, not really…and where had he heard those words before? He didn’t even have to raise the question of what Javi would do, but….this was a ballgame he’d never played. How would he handle this if he wasn’t with Javi? He’d probably say nothing like he wanted to right now and let it all pass, like he had in his relationship with Blaine. After all, what good would it have done to tell him? It would go away….well, it WOULD go away, but it was something he’d always remember….and why was that? It wasn’t like the incidents were remembered as some turning point, only something like a….what might have been. He’d even had what seemed like a sensible conversation with his counselor about the manner in which he and Javi would handle this inevitability. Now, it all seemed ridiculous! Resisting had never been that hard for Kurt….and the feeling always went away, but the memory of those short encounters? He still remembered every one of them.

He’d practically committed to memory the sound reasoning that was the bedrock of their agreement on what was necessary, but Kurt knew even then he would feel uncomfortable when the time came. In theory, of course it made sense, but he’d never had to put this into practice. And a part of him was sure he’d never feel this way again, not with Javi in his life; he loved him like he loved his next breath. But…..he would tell him; there was absolutely no other option. Yes, he’d known it would be uncomfortable, but the thought of not keeping his word was not only uncomfortable, but unacceptable.

Why hadn’t he just curled up on the couch and watched a movie? Because he didn’t want to tell Javi that he’d hibernated for the three days he’d been away. Keeping to himself, counting the hours until Javi whooshed back into his life? His exact words being, “Mi Kurtito, I want your love, not your total dependence, and you don’t want that either, not from either of us. It’s not healthy and will only lead to resentment.” As Javi had said, they loved each other, but they were separate personalities and needed to act as such, so when Ethan and Adam had asked him to go out with them, he decided it was a good time to test his own waters. He didn’t have to work that night and he had nothing pressing to do, no homework that couldn’t wait. Dinner and some drinks sounded tame enough and fun!

Following a meal that even Chef Adam approved of, they’d made their way to The Rafters. Lately, he and Javi had been making it a point to drop in, usually once a week, so Kurt felt at ease there, and it wasn’t like he was flying solo. Not that he’d go there or to any bar stag, it just wasn’t Kurt and probably never would be. He made the rounds, freely giving his time and attention to the friends and acquaintances he knew he’d find here, answering their questions about Javi’s whereabouts. It was a foregone conclusion that to see Kurt without Javi, at least at The Rafters, had to mean he wasn’t in San Diego. The booths were more inviting than a table, so the three of them had found a booth, settling into easy conversation, bringing themselves up to speed about life, school, work, the usual chatter between friends. Their moving weekend had been the last time they’d touched base in between toting boxes and furniture, grabbing a quick lunch at When the Bars Close. Adam had honestly been surprised when Ethan asked him to move in! They’d exchanged stories, joking around about what they should be giving to Goodwill but were choosing to keep instead. Oh! There was John! Adam waved him over to their corner booth. Who was his companion and why were they in formal wear? Certainly not for an evening making the rounds at The Rafters. “Hey, where have you been, a funeral?” Ethan asked. John laughed, “Depends on how you look at it, but, no, a wedding….um, this is my cousin, Keith.” After making further introductions, Adam invited the two to join them, so John took a seat next to Adam and Keith slid into the booth as Kurt made room for him. Gesturing to one of the waitstaff, they ordered more drinks.

The good-natured conversation drifted from one topic to another. Keith had chosen to drive the 1500 plus miles between Springfield, Missouri and San Diego. Never having traveled any farther west than Colorado or south than Oklahoma, the desert landscape of New Mexico and Arizona appealed to him. TAS, a continuing theme running through their typical table talk, piqued Keith’s curiosity. Since Kurt was sitting right next to him, they fell into an easy conversation about his classes, how much longer he had to go, what he might do afterwards, and Kurt, for his part asked about Keith’s life in Springfield. Keith was a musician, singer and actor, always finding work at Silver Dollar City in the spring to fall months as well as a variety of venues in the Ozarks and Kansas City. He was only 22 so he wasn’t really sure where his future led. School had been a consideration, but his career had jumpstarted itself at the age of 16, opening doors in the comparatively small sphere of entertainment that was what some called the Missouri Triangle, Silver Dollar City/the Ozarks/Kansas City. Keith told his story with such flair and humor, engaging Kurt’s attention and then turning the spotlight on Kurt, his interest genuine. The two had been so absorbed in their two-sided conversation, John, Ethan and Adam had faded into the background and when Kurt’s attention returned to his surroundings, he furtively glanced around the booth. Had no one else noticed? Apparently, not! Their lighthearted banter revolved around some concert they’d recently attended together.

Suddenly, Kurt felt self-conscious and uneasy. He took a sip of his drink, attempting to look at Keith from under his eyelashes. He saw a hint of Blaine in some ways, his coloring, his black curly hair….like Javi’s, too. And he felt something….something he didn’t want to feel, like static electricity. And the more he tried not to look and not to feel, the more he couldn’t deny it….and didn’t like it. And Keith’s interest was just short of transparent. Even if Kurt was only imagining it, he felt like he was under the watchful eyes of those who knew Javi as “an honorary citizen of San Diego.” Hoping he wasn’t being too obvious, he attempted to use music as a way to turn the conversation around to relationships, drawing his attention to a wall full of autographed faces, one of them being Javi’s, explaining the reason why he was on his own tonight. Keith politely inquired about Javi’s career, asking Kurt a little bit about what life was like living with a celebrity. And Keith said, “I’ve been dating someone for about a month….not sure where it’s headed….” his voice trailed off. The awkwardness heavy in the air, Kurt decided going to the restroom might be a good idea, until he had to get out of the booth, Keith getting up so he could, but their hands accidently touching in the process. The shock was brief, but powerful. Thank God no one else was in the restroom! Fighting for composure, he took some deep breaths, patting his cheeks with some cool water..silently repeating all he could remember of their conversations about this. Although the idea of escaping through an alleyway door was enticing, it was also ridiculous. Kurt plastered what he hoped didn’t appear to be a nervous smile on his face and instead of climbing over Keith again, took his place on the outer edge and retrieving his drink, careful not to “accidentally” come in contact with Keith a second time. As closing time approached, the group made their way outside, each going their separate ways, but the ghost of Keith and the unwanted feelings he’d fostered hadn’t changed and he’d enjoyed his company too much for his own comfort. And on top of that he felt guilty….and confused….and angry at himself, all the while hearing Javi’s voice telling him all the reasons he shouldn’t. At least he could take some comfort in the fact that he wouldn’t be seeing Keith again.

In just a handful of hours Javi would be home, dropping his luggage at the door, always seeking Kurt out even if he had to wander the house from one end to the other, his arms open just to wrap him in a silent hug, his embrace speaking for him. Despite Kurt’s desire to get this dilemma off his chest, thinking he might burst if he didn’t, assaulting him with the details of what for Kurt would be a major discussion wasn’t how he wanted to greet him. Whenever possible, he did his utmost to create a favorite meal and a soothing, serene atmosphere. Sometimes he’d arrive home looking and feeling exhausted and all they’d do was get comfortable and talk about their days between, other times he’d arrive hyper, hungry and horny….Kurt laughed to himself. He had to be prepared for either eventuality. So, knowing that at the very least he’d be hungry, he assembled the fresh vegetables for a salad and removed the salmon from the fridge, his plan being simple and healthy, one of Javi’s problems on the road – trying to maintain a healthy diet.

Their bedroom was also the focus of Kurt’s attention. Candlelit, a varied choice of musical styles available, warm towels, lavender and Sauvage body wash, occasionally a bottle of wine chilling on the largest dresser, softly scented oil, clean linens and a velvet comforter, all waiting to greet him – accommodating the flip side of hungry. Mastering the art of massage had become one of his goals, just for times like these. And while browsing the net in search of unique and signature ideas to transform his own room to reflect his personality, he’d stumbled upon sites that whet his creativity – fantasy rooms. Much as he missed Javi, he adored welcoming him home.

And then….there he was! Home, home, home, dropping his bags at the front door and wrapping his arms around Kurt, that laugh like a high note to Kurt’s day. “Oh, Kurtito! It smells so good in here! And you, mi bebe, are a sight for my sore eyes! Do I have time for a shower?” “Only if you take it alone,” Kurt said, smiling and kissing him lightly on the lips, “Well, then turn the oven off by all means….” Kurt chuckled, “Go take your shower, you’re here and we have all the time in the world.” Javi kissed him back, battling a tug-of-war between staying right where he was in Kurt’s arms and the invitation of a refreshing shower, the shower winning. Kurt watched him trudge down the hall, already removing clothing as he went. The deep red china glistened in the flicker of candlelight. The salmon was almost ready. The lemon rice simmered. Kurt took his place at the table, closing his eyes, taking in his surroundings utilizing all of his senses, content.

His eyes still shut, the enticing scent of Sauvage body wash tickled Kurt’s nose, and he opened his eyes. Javi arrived in the kitchen wearing only a pair of shorts, surrounded by a cloud of Sauvage, carelessly putting his body on display, his curls bouncing. “Mi amor, you smell as appetizing as I hope dinner will be.” Javi slid a finger lightly over Kurt’s lips and said, “Perhaps I can be dessert?” Taking in Javi’s well-toned physique, how could he even….? No, no point in going there. Javi was here now and he wanted to give him his full attention. In his case, absence really did make the heart grow fonder….but if that was so, why…? “So, tell me all about Peru,” and as Kurt listened, occasionally nodding or commenting when Javi would say he wished Kurt had been there for this or that….and then promising that someday his wish would become reality, that Kurt would be wherever there was. Javi had seconds and thanked Kurt for his labors, toasting him with the fruity red wine and his glass of sparkling water. When hungry had been satisfied, Kurt shooed Javi into the media room, saying, “Make yourself at home, Javito. After all, it is your home, remember?” The time it took to clear the table and put the kitchen in order was a respite, allowing Kurt to compose his thoughts, torn between the dueling of let’s get this over with and it can wait. Of the many things he’d never done before, this was proving to be one he dreaded the most…then chastising himself, hearing the words Javi had spoken so many times, “I’d rather have you tell me beforehand and not afterwards when the damage is already done.”

Carrying two wine goblets with him, he tried to relax into the couch beside Javi. Opening his eyes, his smile meant only for Kurt, he raised his glass this time toasting the comforts of home, he sipped the wine, then placed it on a coaster. Wedging Kurt into the shelter of his arm and kissing his hair, he sighed. “How did I ever live without you, mi Kurtito? You make me almost want to give up my career and become a kept man.” Kurt laughed, “I think it might be a tad hard being a kept man on what I make at the boutique.” “What? We can’t live on love?” “Not if you’re going to eat like you did tonight!”

” But now, your turn! What mischief have you been up to the last few days?” Kurt got quiet and burrowed himself a little closer under Javi’s arm, wishing he’d chosen another description for his behavior besides mischief. “Oh, nothing terribly earth shattering. I went out with Adam and Ethan one night….to dinner and then to The Rafters for a while.” He got quiet again, not knowing where to start, “Good, mi amor! I’m glad you’re not just vegetating here while I’m gone. Was it fun? Where did you eat?” “Yeah, of course, of course it was fun….but…” Kurt took a breath, “Mi Javi, I um….” Javi pulled him closer and kissed his head again, “Okay, mi amor, what? What is it?” “Well….there was someone there….I mean it was no big deal….” “So if it was no big deal….bebe, stop, you know you can tell me….if you’re struggling this hard….well it was obviously some sort of deal…” “I met someone that I really liked….not exactly liked I guess….he was cute….” Javi knew what was coming or what he hoped was coming…and as much as he wanted to help Kurt out he knew he couldn’t, not this time….he had to do it all on his own. “And….well he lives in Missouri so it doesn’t matter anyway….” But this was definitely where Javi had to step in, “Kurt, it doesn’t matter if he lives next door or in China….what matters is….” Kurt stepped in then, “how I handled it, right?” “Yeah exactly.” “And this is how I’m handling it….trying to tell you…..god! I hate this! Why would I want….I mean, not want….” “Oh, mi Kurtito, of course you mean want….I know we’ve talked about it but this is the first time you’ve ever told anyone….I know. So, tell me how you feel now first, si?” “Guilty and mad at myself and stupid….” Javi sat up straight and gathered Kurt into his arms, “I can tell you a million times you shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s not going to change how you feel. It’s something you need to learn…we need to learn together. So what you’re trying to say is you were physically attracted to him, si? And it scared you, si? Or maybe I’m putting words in your mouth. Mi amor, tell me, tell me about him, about what you felt, what you feel now. But first tell me, nothing happened between you…except that you were attracted to each other. If you can tell me that, then…everything’s okay. Really! So?”

“No, nothing happened and I know what we’ve said before….but Javi…..okay, I’ll tell you, but it feels really weird and….” “Just pretend I’m a friend and you met someone you’re attracted to. I’m not going to be mad or jealous…you love me, not him, so why should I be? So try, mi amor, what did he look like?” Kurt stumbled at first, but finally found some firm footing. “Okay, he sort of reminded me of Blaine, his coloring…..and he had curly hair like yours…and Blaine’s…..and hazel eyes…..” “So what attracted you most or what did you notice first?” “Um….” Kurt started to blush and Javi took his hand, kissed it and then kissed his lips…. “Kurtito, it’s okay, whatever it is, it’s okay, you’re sitting here with me….if you were in Missouri I’d be concerned….” “His lips. He had….” Kurt sighed and looked at the ceiling, “Okay, bebe, I’m sorry. That wasn’t a fair question. I’ve tortured you enough. And I understand what you’re feeling. The first time I did this with Tonio? Oh, Dios mi! I felt so guilty. I’d finally gotten over the false guilt of being gay and in a relationship with Tonio….those “sin” lectures from when I was a kid? It seemed like everything was a sin, and being gay one of the sins to end all sinning! And even though we’d talked about this just like you and I have? I had a hard enough time telling Tonio how I felt about him, never mind some guy I’d randomly been attracted to.”

“Let me tell you something that I intended to tell you when the time was right and if a time was right this is it. Remember when I was watching some of your videos and I took a few new ones with me to Mexico City? Maybe you don’t. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I saw on a couple of the videos I watched. You were dancing and singing, of course, and with another guy….not Blaine. I can’t remember his name, he was tall, had black hair, wore makeup?” “Elliott? You must mean Elliott.” “That sounds right. Anyway, when I watched it I wondered if at the time you’d been attracted to him. It was when you were with Blaine, I’m sure. And the reason I wondered was because I certainly was! Talk about hot! But I knew it was purely physical and would disappear. I’d never meet him and even if I did I wouldn’t act on it. And then I guess I forgot about it. Otherwise, I would have said something, I promise. Oh, Kurt, come here.” Kurt curled up in his arms again, “I love you….so much, Javi. I hate feeling this way.” And they were quiet for awhile, just holding each other, listening to the comfort of their own breathing, until finally Javi said, “Do you remember how I told you these attractions could work to our advantage?” “Yeah, but…I feel better just telling you about it; I’m okay now that you know.”

“If you don’t want to do this, it’s perfectly okay, but I’d like to try it at least once. It doesn’t have to be this time…because there will be a next time for both of us. Let me just explain and see what you think.” Kurt looked up into Javi’s eyes. His eyes were so honest and he loved him and them so deeply. He couldn’t resist playing with the earring that bore his initial and drawing Javi’s face to his for an upside down kiss before he started to say whatever he was going to say, “I love you, Javi, Javito, mi Javier Ramos Ruiz.” Javi returned his kiss, realizing just how much he wanted and needed this man. “Now, tell me what it is I don’t have to do, but probably will,” Kurt laughed.

“It’s just a little role playing is all. I know you did that with Blaine because you told me so…and in this situation it can work in any number of ways, but here’s just a suggestion. Since we have an instance here of a dual attraction, you could pretend I’m….what was his name?” “Keith.” Okay, you pretend I’m Keith and I pretend you’re Elliott.” “At the same time?” “Yeah, that way you don’t feel guilty or weird pretending I’m somebody else and I don’t feel that way either. We’ll both be somebody else! Now, say it was just me attracted to Elliott. You’d be Elliott and I’d be me and the same would go for you, I’d be Keith. I know at first it sounds kind of….uncomfortable? Mi bebe, all we’re dealing with here is insecurities, yours and mine. The only reason I might feel more at ease with it is because it’s no longer new to me. I’ve done it a few times. If nothing else it’s interesting and a little off-the-wall. If we try it and you absolutely hate it, there are other ways to deal with attractions, but in my experience, this is the simplest way. And if we aren’t together when it happens……like in this case? There’re always the ways we already deal with distance. Next time, hopefully you’ll feel safe just telling me at the time.”

“Hmmm….can I think about it?” Kurt asked. “Of course, mi amor, of course.” Past midnight, jet lag and the whirlwind pace of shuffling his persona like a deck of cards from Javi to JAVI and back again was catching up with him. Tenderly touching Kurt’s cheek, then taking his hand, he invited him back to their bedroom. With the sound of Kurt showering and humming as background music, Javi let his shorts slide to the floor, and gratefully slid under the covers. Kurt’s hopelessly romantic side always revealed itself when Javi was coming home and he loved him all the more for it. Burying his face in the scent of clean linens, the lighting almost hypnotizing, a velvet comforter, even wine chilling….but he was already sleepy from the little he’d had earlier. Done with his shower, Kurt got under the covers cuddling up at Javi’s side and Javi drawing him closer as if each were the other’s lifeline. “Every time I come home I can’t imagine how I can stand being away from you, bebe. If we didn’t have modern technology I’d have to give up my career….or turn you into MY kept man, make you drop out of school and pack you in my suitcase taking you everywhere I went.” “Wouldn’t that be breaking your “never in Mexico” rule?..and I kinda like that idea.” “Oh, no! You’re not dropping out. You’re almost done and besides you need your own path, not totally separate from mine, but someone as creative as you would get bored pretty fast just traveling around with me and maybe singing a duet here and there.” “Oh, speaking of creative, now that I’ve told you about….Keith….I tried my own way of maybe dealing with the situation. I wrote a couple songs. I’ll let you hear them tomorrow.”

“What’s wrong with right now? I mean….we’re not doing anything….yet.” Kurt kissed Javi on the cheek and then his tempting lips, “And why aren’t we, mi Javito?” his kisses moving from his lips as he gently nibbled his face, diving his fingers into those thick black curls, “Or do I have to remind you of how much you missed me, of what a great idea it would be to have me as your kept man, hmmmm? But we can work on a very creative song right now, I think….” Javi pretended to roll on his side, yawning, “Mi Kurtito, I’m soooooo tired, I don’t know…” “Mmmmm….it would appear your body isn’t in complete agreement with your words…but if you really want me to stop….” Kurt felt Javi relax into his arms, running his fingers through Kurt’s hair, pulling the lips he’d been craving for days to meet his own once again. Javi chuckled under his breath, “Well, when you put it that way….please, mi amor, remind me…..now that I’m home I may need a lot of reminding…..you know how hard performing is on the memory.” “Let me remind you of what I miss the most….I miss your kisses…..and I miss touching your skin….and melting into those sexy Javi curves….” Javi sighed, “Ahhhh….si mi amor…..I’m starting to remember….” And slowly they reacquainted themselves with each other’s bodies, their kissing and touching lingering in their favorite senscient places, entangling themselves in each other’s limbs, moving to a rhythm only they knew, listening to each other’s breathing, the sighing, their needful moans….whispering each other’s names, describing what they loved and what they wanted, sometimes in words only they could understand…..”You, mi Kurtito…..let me look at you, so beautiful….you’re like the subject of a million songs…..loving you….I love you? What I feel for you….there are no words…..even speaking with our bodies……it’s just not enough,” he sighed, sinking deeper into Kurt’s embrace. Kurt’s heart was so full…..his body so satisfied….but he knew what Javi was trying to say. “Javi…mi Javier Ramos Ruiz….so that just means we have the rest of our lives to figure out ways to say I love you, si?” “Si…” Javi sighed again, already falling asleep in the warmth of his lover’s arms.

It had been a typical day at Boutique Magnifique, and when he got home, Kurt headed toward the media room by way of the kitchen. He found Javi watching Kurt’s videos again, with an analytical eye. This wasn’t unusual. Kurt had asked his dad to send what was left of his collection, at Javi’s request, when he’d moved in. Burt and Carole had been thrilled to hear they were taking this step. Not willing to admit it to Kurt, he liked the idea of someone older watching out for his son, and like most parents, when he looked at his son he didn’t see a young man, he still saw the bashful child taking his hand after his mother died; someone in need of protection no matter how old he got. Diet Coke in hand, responding to Javi’s, “Come, sit with me for a while, mi little tomcat; spend some time with me.” Kurt gave him a sidelong look, “I’m your tomcat again? I thought you only let him out to play when….” “Oh no! He’s far too cute and cuddly to keep him tucked away…even if he does bite and scratch sometimes. Besides, I want to show you something. Kurt dropped his satchel and plopped down on the floor next to Javi.

“I know you know these videos by heart, but I want you to try looking at them from a 3-year distance, try to pretend you’ve never seen them or participated in them. Use that brilliant imagination of yours.” Kurt waited for the first video wondering where Javi was heading with this. The first one was of him and Elliott at an audition for their band, Pamela Lansbury. As he watched he remembered the moment Elliott had appeared as “Starchild.” He snickered when they got to the part where he called him outre, bizarre. He’d had a lot of nerve! Some of the outfits Kurt had come up with when he was younger? And he was calling Elliott bizarre? And here he was sitting next to sort of his Mexican alter ego at least when it came to dress. He burst out laughing at that! Javi looked over at him as he paused the video, “Okay, explain yourself, Mr. But if you’re willing to tone down your look, I might reconsider? Really, Kurt? This coming from a man who idolizes Elton John?” Kurt had to catch his breath, as he tried to bring his laughter under control. “Good thing you were polite enough not to tell me to tone down my look when we met!” Javi was laughing, too. “And did I detect maybe a hint of jealousy for poor Mr. Starchild?” “Okay! I get it, Javi!” and grabbing the next video, there they were guitar shopping, making plans for a night out on the town, quite a different vibe there for sure. He loved Elliott once he’d gotten to know him. He was like an older and sexier version of Peter Pan!

“So tell me, Kurtito, weren’t you even a little bit attracted to him?” Kurt gave the idea some thought – he’d loved his personality and even his over-the-top Starchild eventually, he’d been creative, easy to talk to, but he never felt attracted to him physically. He knew why others were, just not him, which turned out to be a good thing since Blaine was jealous of him at first. “No, I mean obviously he’s gorgeous, but no…and I wasn’t his type either. And now that you’ve watched them again, are you still….ya know…?” “Yeah, I am….” “So since you asked me, what did you notice first? “As Starchild, his theatrical look, those made up eyes…he just draws a person in….and as for Elliott himself? In the music store? Honestly, it was the way he was looking at you when you started singing together…and then the way you looked at him….pure chemistry, Kurt! Watching you two together, hot as hell! It there wasn’t even a tiny spark? You guys are two fine actors.”

“And we’re having this discussion, why?” Kurt asked. “Because I was thinking about last night when we talked. I know you haven’t had a lot of time to think about it. I just wanted to see if I’d have a different reaction watching them again. And I was thinking about how creative you are with fantasies. Ever since that shower fantasy…and then Moves Like Jagger? I’ve lived on some of your fantasies, especially lately.” Kurt looked at the floor and blushed but he was smiling, “And believe me, mi amor, anyone who can create scenes like that should be blushing!”

“In that case, would you like to hear the songs I wrote? They were just for fun. Remember after our first fight and one or maybe both of us said something about writing a song about makeup sex? When I was sitting here wondering how to tell you about…the guy at The Rafters, part of me was scared we’d end up in a fight. And then my mind kept repeating what you said we should do when this kind of thing came up and I decided to sort of write a song about him….us…whatever, just to get it out of my head…..like a notebook, putting it down on paper.” Javi leaned over, held Kurt’s chin in his fingers and kissed him, saying, “I adore you! Sometimes I’m afraid you’ll decide I’m a lunatic, trying to live this kind of……not like everybody else way, that it would just be easier to act and think like the majority of people do. So, please, yes, let’s hear the songs, maestro!”

“Now, these were just for fun, don’t take any of it seriously and don’t read anything into the lyrics, okay?” “Enough with the disclaimer. I promise I will not get mad over your song about makeup sex….well, unless getting mad leads to more makeup sex…hold that thought!….and I won’t be in the least bit upset about your ode to Kent or Ken or whatever his name was. We’re songwriters, Kittito! Not expected to deal in too much reality….now, your latest creations, please?”

Kurt had taken the time to do a rough recording with the help of the media room equipment. He’d had plenty of downtime that day and since he was just having fun…he decided to have more fun. “Stop calling me Kittito!” Knowing it was useless and the more he protested the more Javi would needle him with the silly name, but unable to stop himself. Kurt started with the makeup sex song he’d named Your Flashing Eyes and the other song he’d named I Kissed a Gay.

Javi was smiling from ear to ear! “I kissed a gay??? Kurt, you are so much fun! I almost feel sorry for that guy at The Rafters…..not enough to send you to Missouri of course….but…” Javi pushed Kurt backwards onto the floor, “I love your songs and I love you….and they sort of gave me an idea if you’re willing to consider it. It goes along with what we were talking about last night, the role playing, I mean.”

“And actually I have been thinking about it,” Kurt said, “and yes it sounds a little weird, but can it be any weirder than some of the other things we’ve tried? It’s not like you’re going to turn into Keith and never return as my Javi..and if you’re going to talk about my real imaginary boyfriend, please get his name right, it’s Keith,” Kurt smirked.

“Well, if you really feel that way…..these are just ideas, but the beat for those songs is perfect for all kinds of fantasies….and the words to the first one? Maybe we could pretend to get mad at each other over an attraction and have pretend makeup sex as us OR even as them? Too kinky?” Kurt shook his head and then nodded, telling Javi to continue with his thoughts, “and the second song? Maybe we could change Kurt to Keith like you’re singing about your feelings instead of the other way around? So since you’ve been thinking about it, did you have any ideas?”

“Yeah, I was thinking maybe if we were both blindfolded and had to stay silent? We would be imagining each other as someone else and we wouldn’t be seeing each other…and if we tried to stay silent…well, I’ve done that before and it’s kinda hot….well, maybe really hot….sort of like vocal bondage? And that way we wouldn’t be hearing each other’s voices either. And since the bedrooms have blackout curtains….remember what it was like when you came into my room and we couldn’t see each other at all? My body was literally quaking afterwards..and where the lyric about shaking like an earthquake came from…that night is a fantasy I live on, mi amor!”

Now they were both excited! This was even better than decorating his room. “And I don’t have to leave again for six days, so we’ve got plenty of time to plan.”

Enrique paced the length of his office. He had just spoken to Belita and their discussion had totally unnerved him. He was sure he’d laid this to rest years ago and was adamant that he didn’t want to revisit it or revive it. Her hope was that Enrique would say yes to meeting her and Javi in Mexico City. That kind of reunion was an idea he could wholeheartedly embrace, it was the subject matter that unnerved him. He’d already made it plain that he desired no such reunion with his parents, not even his mama and definitely not his father – he refused to call him papa, a term of endearment. There was nothing endearing about him or their relationship. Did Bela think him so clueless as to not know what she was attempting? Softening him up, using his long ago relationship with his little brother? The present day Javi, or Javito as he once called him, was no longer his baby brother. In the 25 or so years since he’d last seen him, little Javito believing that the sun rose and set with Rico, had become his own man. Both had endured the wrath of Julio, and at times, Rico almost wanted to thank the man. At least he’d made a good life for himself doing what he loved, and so had Javi. Of course, he understood why they would want to at least attempt a reunion with mama, but he’d made peace with this long ago and letting it rule his future in any way? No! He’d consider her request….and he’d almost certainly meet them in CDMX, but a return to Quintana Roo? Not for him….ever. He’d built a life he loved and could be proud of. He neither wanted nor desired reminders from Julio of the disappointment he would always be in his mind. Never again would he allow him to take away his self-esteem. He released a weary sigh. She said she’d call back when she’d discussed a firm date with Javito. Quintana Roo was his disturbed past. His life was right here, right now.

Javi recognized the sound of Belita’s ringtone, and although he and Kurt were still in the middle of their fantasy discussion, he knew she rarely called without a reason. They had been raised to live frugally, but even now when long distance charges were pretty much a thing of the past, she said she’d never gotten used to avoiding making long distance calls during certain hours, and Mexico City to San Diego definitely qualified as long distance. Kurt nodded, his way of telling him to answer. After exchanging the usual pleasantries, she said, “I just got done talking to Rico….Javi, it’s going to be very hard to convince him.” She didn’t have to say convince him of what. “Not even for mama’s sake?” Javi asked, but he knew the answer. “Bela, Bela, you know, I can’t blame him. He’s the one who had to pave the way for the rest of us. Sure, papa was hard on us, but I already knew what would happen if I followed in Rico’s footsteps.” Bela sighed, “Yes, mi Javi, I know. He wants to see you so much but I’m afraid if we push too hard, we’ll never see him again!” “Belita, I won’t try to force him or guilt him into this. Twenty-five years? That’s how long we’ve been apart. In his mind I’m sure he’s still thinking mama should have spoken up from the very beginning. And she should have! I’ll make time to meet with you and Rico….or just you, but we’ve both had to learn from his example, he has every right to live his life in his way.” “Si, si, he does, I know but….. Just let me know when is best for you, hermanito. Give Kurt my love!”

Kurt raised a questioning eyebrow. “Bela, I wish she didn’t have to take on the role of go-between but she did choose it for herself. And Enrique is being stubborn. He’d hate it if I told him he was acting like our papa. I don’t know….but as you heard, I’m not going to put him in a position where he clearly doesn’t want to be. The good news is he wants to see me….and I want to see him. He was so many things to me, protector, friend, role model. But, I can’t fix anything right now….so where were we?”

“Planning wild and deviant fantasies?” Kurt gave him a wicked smile, rubbing his hands together. “I think we were trying to come up with ways to have sex with imaginary people or maybe they’re real people and we’re imaginary?” “Oh, si, si! I like your idea of blindfolds and silence….a bit of sensory deprivation….except maybe we could be playing those songs in the background somewhere….the beat and the words are really pretty sexy. We could try dressing like Elliott and…what was his name again?” Javi laughed at Kurt when he got “the look,” “oh, yes, Keith, like maybe see each other that way and then make our way to blindfolds and silence?”

“Oh! And how does this sound? We could use I Kissed A Gay as the song we pretend to fight about….and then we could use Your Flashing Eyes to make up to?” Kurt threw out there as a possibility. “Hmmm…..si! I like it! This is the first fantasy we’ve ever planned together, Kittito, it’s going to be so much….what?” “Stop calling me Kittito!” But I like thinking of you as a feisty little tomcat, as I recall you play that role very well, especially when you’re helpless….all tied down….so back to ideas for our fantasy….. “Well, maybe you should be the tomcat next time….trying to use your kitty claws as you like to put it….when I have you all tied down to the bed….or maybe if I just pin you to the floor right now..” Kurt rolled over and pushed Javi onto his back, trapping his hands and sitting on his belly, “like this, Javito mi gatito (kitten)…”.”Stop licking my face….stop it!” “Yummmm…..you taste like chocolate milk,” Kurt continued licking his face despite Javi’s protests and still holding Javi’s hands firmly, used his teeth to raise the T-shirt he wore, “Oh sure….any other day you’d be walking around here naked, begging the neighbors to come help you clean house in the nude,” he pushed it up with his chin and began lapping Javi’s chest concentrating on the tiny gumdrops that were his nipples, but Javi was no longer telling him in no uncertain terms to stop licking. He was hopelessly trapped under Kurt…..well he let himself be anyway. Keeping his hands flat over Javi’s, Kurt slid down as far as he could, tonguing his belly, “Ohhhh, Javito my gatito is purring….so sorry about your sharp claws…..maybe later…and the way you’re…struggling….my poor little gatito….I really don’t mean to torture you…..or maybe I do….. ” His tongue continued its dance, purposely avoiding his navel, moving down to just above the shorts he wore, the waist so low it revealed his tattoo, “such a sweet afternoon snack,” he whispered. Tiny hickeys blossomed over the tattoo as he nibbled and nipped his way from one hip to the other. And then he barely flicked his tongue underneath the waistband, lazily moving back and forth and then back up to just below Javi’s navel….”Dios mi……you’re driving me cr……yes……don’t stop…..dammit Kurt….” he felt like his brain was detached from his body…… between his navel and his hard cock, he didn’t know what he wanted….and Kurt was taking full advantage of the bit of frenzy he’d created….first moving down and running the tip of his nose over Javi’s hardness, then licking his way back up to just below his navel again and again and again….until Javi begged, “Stop teasing, Kittito, Kittito, Kittito…” taunting him again with the nickname. Kurt gave a slightly evil laugh, “Still Kittito? Kittito hasn’t even started teasing mi baby gatito,” he slid his tongue back down to the waistband and again using his teeth he pulled it slightly lower until it barely covered Javi’s cock and began playing his tongue under the waistband again, making sure he didn’t come too close to the head. Javi was fighting hard to maintain some control, his body all but ready to give it all away, and using the last bit of strength he possessed he flipped Kurt underneath him, ripping his tucked shirt from his pants and burying his tongue deeply in Kurt’s navel, listening to Kurt’s moans, as he repeated it time and time again, while undoing his pants and sliding his hand under and over Kurt’s prick. He maneuvered them into a 69 position, both of them quickly divesting themselves of their shorts and pants, desperate to satisfy each other. “Kittito…can I play with your tail?” Javi sort of chuckled between breaths to which Kurt replied, just as breathless, “Only if I can play with yours mi gatito…..”

In the fog of Javi’s brain, he still couldn’t believe how strong his desire was for Kurt and vice versa, but he knew why it was still so strong, it was trust, it was their desire to create a lasting foundation, their willingness to expose themselves, their desire to use their creativity, keeping each other interested and interesting. Would the day come when their sexual desires would lessen? Yes, of course! They weren’t some anomaly, much as Javi wished the thought away. But Javi hoped the day would never come when they no longer loved each other or were not in love with each other. And he was determined it wouldn’t.

Kurt was the first to break their satisfied silence,”Javi?” “Hmmm?” “You do realize that if every time we start planning a fantasy together, we end up like this, all we’ll ever do is fantasize about the fantasies? “Did you say we???? You started it, Kittito!” “I did not! You started it when you kept calling me Kittito…and stop it!” “Why would I do such a silly thing if every time I call you Kittito, Kittito, I wind up on the floor with you begging me for my sexual favors?” “Oh please….I’m pretty sure no one has ever had to beg for your sexual favors…” “Are you calling me a tomcat, an alley cat, a gato de granero?” “A what?” “A barn cat….you know, I’ll just hook up with any hot hembra that crosses my path?” “Hmmm…well depending on what a hembra is….yeah probably, “Kurt laughed and rolled away, but not before Javi caught him around the waist, “Hembra, Kittito, is a female, and hooking up with one really isn’t in my makeup BUT some animals are known to be bisexual, cats included. The things you learn having sex with your favorite gatito, Kittito, Kittito, Kittito! I’ll race you to the shower!” Javi trilled, hopping up from the floor and racing down the hallway, Kurt not far behind him.

They spent three fun-filled days orchestrating what they had jokingly referred to as their musical; sometimes engrossed in the details as if Broadway was knocking at the door in anticipation of the next Funny Girl, other times rolling on the floor unable to control their hysterics over how seriously they were taking their attempt at concocting their fantasy duet, starring themselves as Keith and Elliott, or Kelliot as Kurt called it. When they finally deemed it ready, Javi teased, “So, how many dress rehearsals do we need?” Kurt rolled his eyes, “Only one…and it’ll be our undressed rehearsal.” The stage was set; take one and only of Four is Company.

ROLES: ELLIOT played by KURT – ACTOR/ENTERTAINER

ROLES: KEITH played by JAVI – MET JEREMY (OLD BOSS) AT COUSIN’S WEDDING

Elliott (Kurt) walked through the door with an exasperated sigh, slamming it behind him and plopped down on the couch next to Keith (Javi). He had put his heart and soul into yet another performance only to be told the play had been cancelled. He’d been so sure about this one! He hadn’t even bothered to remove his makeup or get out of costume, just wanting to come home. Keith (Javi) took one look at his downcast, resigned face and knew this wasn’t going to be a happily ever after night. He squeezed Elliott’s (Kurt) hand, asking, “Do you want to talk about it, love? That’s what I’m here for, ya know.” Elliott (Kurt) sighed again and laced their fingers, tilting his head back onto the couch, “I know. I’m so thankful for you, Keith (Javi) ….sometimes I just want to forget about acting…and singing…and dancing…devote my energy to something stable. Get up at 7, come home at 5, leave it all at some office every night. I know it gets to you, too.” “Oh El (Kurt), no no no! You can’t give up your passion! You in some 9 to 5 job, behind a desk, pushing papers? You have too much talent….no. We’re doing okay financially. Let’s talk about it tomorrow when you’re not so….down.”

So weary of having this same conversation, he glanced over at, changing the subject. “Where have you been all dressed up looking like sex on a stick?” “Don’t you remember? My cousin’s wedding? I was the best man.” “Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. So, was it fun? Was there dancing? That’s the best part of a wedding in my mind! “Yeah, it was fun and I met some new people….and I ran into Jeremy.” “Jeremy, as in your old boss?” “That would be him.” “I’ll bet that was all warm and fuzzy after what he put you through.” “Actually….it wasn’t all that bad. He even asked me to dance.” “And….did you?” “Um, yeah, just one dance though….and he, um, kissed me…..no big deal, just a little peck really…” “As in a peck on the cheek or the lips?” “Well, the lips, but like I said..” “Did you kiss him back???” “Sort of, I mean I was taken by surprise…it only lasted a few seconds….and it’s not like I enjoyed it…”

KEITH (Javi) “I thought you told me he was leaning toward bi! What? Were you some sort of experiment for him? And why did you dance with him anyway? I’m assuming a slow dance if he got close enough to….pay you lip service! How do I know you don’t do this kind of stuff all the time when you’re not with me? “El, stop it! I told you because I thought I could be honest about this and not have you explode over it. I love you and for the record, no, I don’t do “this kind of stuff” at all. This is the first time anything like this has happened. And what happened to “I want someone who’ll be honest with me”? Would you rather I never told you and then maybe by some weird something in the universe you heard about it from someone else?” “You mean other people saw it? Our friends? Geez, Keith!” Elliot jumped up off the couch and started stomping back to the bedroom, “I’ve gotta get out of this getup and take off my makeup!”

ELLIOT (Kurt) “Oh and before I go….I’ve got the perfect song for this! I’m pretty sure Jeremy was singing it as soon as he saw you there.”

I KISSED A GAY AND I LIKED IT – LYRICS BY LAURIE MILLER

This was the way I had it planned

Was my intention

He was a hot, gorgeous man

Got my attention

I’m not what he’s used to

Just wanna try him on

Not serious for you

Oh! did I mention

I kissed a gay & I liked it

His lips were as soft as velvet

I kissed a gay & I liked it

I hope his boyfriend don’t mind it

It felt so strong

It seemed so right

I think I’m in love tonight

I kissed a gay & I liked it

I liked it

I do believe his name is Keith

And yes! It matters

I know he’s anything but tame

He’s wild by nature

Don’t do what good boys do

Not how I would behave

I know just what I want

Hope he’ll obey

I kissed a gay & I liked it

His lips were as soft as velvet

I kissed a gay & I liked it

I hope his boyfriend don’t mind it

He felt so strong

It seemed so right

I think I’m in love tonight

I kissed a gay & I liked it

I liked it

Gay guys can be fantastical

Intense and sweet, so sensitive

Not trying to resist you Keith

Won’t try to deny it

Just want to steal your innocence

I kissed a gay & I liked it

His lips were as soft as velvet

I kissed a gay & I liked it

I hope his boyfriend don’t mind it

It felt so strong

It seemed so right

I think I’m in love tonight

I kissed a gay & I liked it

I liked it

Keith (Javi) threw his frustrated hands in the air. Maybe honesty wasn’t the best policy after all! So yeah he shouldn’t have danced with him, but he’d never been attracted to Jeremy and he never even considered the idea that Jeremy might be attracted to him. In fact, if he was he’d had a strange way of showing it; he’d demoted him without any warning, never explaining why, and then six months later had fired him and three others in his department using the old downsizing excuse. And as for kissing him? He had to admit he was an attractive guy….okay, a very attractive guy, but kissing him back had just been a reflex action. Keith (Javi) had broken it off in seconds and reminded him about Elliott in no uncertain terms. Then, as politely as possible, he excused himself, quickly walked outside to take in some fresh air and returned to the reception seeking out some of the others he’d met. He’d even come home a little early just in case Elliott needed him after his performance. He’d wait awhile to catch up with Elliott, give him some time to cool down, and give himself a chance to try figuring out what he could say or do to convince him it hadn’t been intentional.

Elliott (Kurt) did exactly what he said he was going to do. He flung his clothes into a chair and sat down in front of the mirror to begin the painstaking task of removing his makeup. It was tedious but maybe it was just what he needed to calm himself. After he was done, he turned on some soothing music and headed for the shower. The water helped him relax, trying to forget the play – there would always be others – and feeling a slight twinge of guilt for jumping on Keith like that. He knew he’d overreacted but Jeremy was hot…well, in looks anyway, and even though he’d never said it he’d always suspected he wasn’t bi, but gay. He must have been more than a little drunk to have danced with Keith much less kissing him in public. He did have a reputation to maintain; he was part owner in the company he worked for. Reluctantly, he had to admit that Keith was right or at least mostly right. He could have never said anything and chances were Elliott would never know, but he’d chosen to be honest, even knowing Elliott would be upset….and he was, but Keith hadn’t deserved his tantrum. Yes, he could blame it on the failure of the play, he could blame it on the frustration of the career he’d chosen, he could come up with all kinds of excuses, but the truth was he’d let his temper get the best of him. When he was done, he’d find Keith and they’d talk…or he hoped they would.

He (Elliott – Kurt) dried himself off and left his hair damp; Keith liked it that way. And he put on just a touch of cologne, looked at himself in the mirror, grabbed his robe, preparing to find Keith….except when he opened the bathroom door, the room was pitch black, no music, not as he’d left it….he heard Keith whisper, “shut off that light and don’t turn any on in here.” “What…why not?” “Shhh….you had your song and now it’s my turn…..well, unless you’re not in the mood to make up yet.” “But shouldn’t we talk first…?” He felt Keith reach across the bed and pull the tie to his robe, the robe falling open revealing his naked body. Not that either of them could see….but if he had a choice….hell yeah! This was better than talking….and he wasn’t mad anymore….apparently, Keith wasn’t either. And then he heard the drum beat of a song coming through the speakers. Keith was pulling him down onto the bed and placed a finger to his lips indicating silence. It was too dark to see anything, not even Keith’s face. And the only sound? The drum beat of that song. Keith whispered, “I think you’ll like my song better than yours, hot stuff….”

YOUR FLASHING EYES/LYRICS BY LAURIE MILLER

You say maybe later, tellin’ me no way

So sick of hearin’ no sir, no sir

I’m no negotiator, don’t wanna fan the flame

Thinkin’ you know you’re so sure, so sure

But I won’t wait another minute

I just hate the look you’re givin’

No, no more talkin’, I don’t wanna fight

I can’t escape your flashing eyes

Made me so mad and then you stopped me

And you shut me, you shut me, you shut me down

Took me aside and then you shocked me

When you turn out the lights, this is what it feels like

(Oh) The flames ignite
(Oh) The flames ignite
(Oh) Our bodies burnin’, makin’ up all night
(Oh) I can’t escape your flashing eyes

You’re such a detonator, exploding til we fly

And like the heavens spin round, spin round

You’re such a fine persuader, I’ll let you tantalize

You make me want you right now, right now

But I won’t wait another minute

I just hate the look you’re givin’

No, no more talkin’, I don’t wanna fight

I can’t escape your flashing eyes

Made me so mad and then you stopped me

And you shut me, you shut me, you shut me down

Took me aside and then you shocked me

When you turn out the lights, this is what it feels like

(Oh) The flames ignite
(Oh) The flames ignite
(Oh) Our bodies burnin’, makin’ up all night
(Oh) I can’t escape your flashing eyes

You, you’re everything my body craves

I’m shakin’ like an earthquake

You, you’re everything my body craves

I’m shakin’ like an earthquake

Made me so mad and then you stopped me

And you shut me, you shut me, you shut me down

Took me aside and then you shocked me

When you turn out the lights, this is what it feels like

(Oh) The flames ignite
(Oh) The flames ignite
(Oh) Our bodies burnin’ makin’ up all night
(Oh) I can’t escape your flashing eyes

Your flashing eyes, your flashing eyes

(Oh) Our bodies burnin’, makin’ up all night
(Oh) I can’t escape

Keith (Javi) murmured, “No more talking, none,” his breath warm on Elliott’s cheek and then his lips, winding a blindfold over his eyes. Elliott loved Keith’s cupid bow lips, so soft, so sensual….just looking at them was a turn-on, but tasting them in the dark? Not only could he feel them, but his mind conjured them up, creating a double sensation. He could lose himself kissing Keith….the way he held his face in his hands, as if Elliott’s lips were a bull’s eye and he was using every arrow in his quiver, each one landing in a slightly different spot but never missing its mark….and Elliott couldn’t resist running his fingers through his curly hair…Elliott suddenly realized that Keith had removed all of his clothing, except for the bowtie around his neck. He couldn’t see it, but he could feel it….and it was the kind that actually required untying to remove it. Without his sight and without the sound of Keith’s voice…just his breathing….just the rustle of bedclothes…..his mind could take him anywhere and in his mind that bowtie was finding its way tied around Keith’s wrists.

https://youtu.be/BIT4pQu-xxk

Meanwhile, Keith (Javi) was imagining Elliott still in full makeup. The guyliner, the glitter…..it made him look dangerous and Keith was always up for a little danger. He could imagine Elliott hovering over him with those devilish eyes, his demonic voice exerting its power telling him that he could do anything to him, with him, and as hard as Keith might try, he would be at Elliott’s mercy. So when he felt the necktie wrap around one of his wrists, his imagination went into overdrive. And then something he absolutely hadn’t been expecting, Elliott taking off his own blindfold and wrapping it around his other wrist, then securing both to the pedestals on the bed. Of course, he didn’t really need the blindfold, but that made Keith feel even more deliciously vulnerable. They had their safe words memorized.

The weight of Elliott’s body left the bed….Why was Elliott getting up? He didn’t want to break the silence, so he listened as he opened a dresser drawer, the soft rattle of something metallic? Elliott had yet one more surprise….Keith felt his ankles secured in padded cuffs and then attached to the bedposts at the foot of the bed. And the only sound was the click of the cuffs. And then everything became absolutely still. Again, Keith felt Elliott get off the bed….and then nothing…..except their breathing. Was he somewhere to the right? To the left? At the foot of the bed? Watching him like a spider would its prey securely entangled in its web? That song – I Believe in a Thing Called Love. Touchin’ you….touchin’ me…. He maintained the image of dangerous Elliott in his mind. And now he could picture him wearing studded ankle and wrist bracelets, black leather.

and Elliott? Oh my god! The night they’d met? His imagination was envisioning the innocent-looking Keith sitting beside him at The Rafters….innocent until he leveled his hazel eyes at you, concentration focused, on what Elliott couldn’t be sure. He knew when Keith focused on him, all he saw were those eyes and his sensuous lips, just a hint of beard and moustache, and when he laughed his whole face lit up. He knew by the end of the evening he was finding it almost impossible not to touch him….and that had scared him….a lot. But now? Not only did it not scare him, he could hardly wait to touch….and touch….and touch….and feel…Elliott sat down on the very edge of the bed knowing that Keith was wondering in his helpless state what was going to happen. And because of their self-imposed silence, he wouldn’t ask anything….stuck in their silent limbo. But he wasn’t going to harm him….oh, no, just the opposite. As quietly as he could he let his nudity hover over Keith’s, his knees on either side of his hips, his face level with Keith’s…and he stayed there….breathing just loudly enough…somewhere between a whisper and an animal stalking….its victim knowing Keith was waiting….waiting…waiting, until he lowered his face and his lips to Keith’s, touching his nose and his forehead with his, hesitating again…just breathing, sensing Keith’s wariness….then he lowered his mouth, barely touching those full cupid’s bow lips and nothing else, his kisses feathery, sensing that Keith wanted more…and little by little…he gave him more….and more….until it was all Keith could do to stay quiet, pleading with Elliott’s tongue and lips for still more….his breathing saying far more than any words ever could…..then running his fingers through Keith’s hair, slightly tugging at the curls, he lowered his lips to his underarms, still hovering….starting at the top of one of his underarms, walking his lips and tongue over his ribs and back up again, brushing his lips over Keith’s mouth, letting him beg for more of his lips…of his tongue….finally moving over to the top of his other underarm…..and down…..and up…..then hovering again….saying and doing nothing but breathing. He reached for some oil on the nightstand, applying a little to his own nipples, letting his fingers bring him pleasure….and then massaging some of the oil into Keith’s nipples….hovering again…..just waiting…breathing… imagining the beauty of his body beneath him……and then lowering his oily nipples……touching Keith’s….to his…..listening to the catch of his breath…..knowing he wanted to vocalize his pleasure….and knowing……that he wouldn’t……Moving to the foot of the bed again…..he stayed there quietly….just waiting…..in his mind watching Keith on the bed helpless, his belly concave and smooth, again his wariness palpable….wondering where Elliott was….what he was planning….Elliott was thoroughly enjoying his active imagination watching his lover….Keith was so hard…..Elliott had intentionally brushed his fingers over his hard-on, lightly….once or twice…..just to hear him gasp….finally, he took one toe at a time into his mouth….sensing the moans Keith was trying so hard to withhold….and if Elliott were honest, he was withholding as well…as he sucked each toe, his mind’s eye was level with that hard and ready cock, just begging for attention….but this was too much fun to rush…..he slid his fingers up Keith’s legs, spread-eagle….so….. exposed, so……defenseless….so vulnerable…..Elliott could do anything he wanted….but speak and see…..touch….he could fondle…..caress…..stroke.. ..yes stroke….he smiled….Using the oil on his fingertips, he slid his fingers up the crease of Keith’s legs, avoiding touching his prick……and then hovered over Keith’s body again…..hesitating…. waiting and…..waiting….and waiting….he noticed Keith was holding his breath…..oh yessssss…..reaching for the oil again…..using some on his own cock making sure Keith knew what he was doing…..he was no longer touching Keith….only himself….slipping stealthily into Keith’s mind and imagining his longing for what Elliott was doing…at last taking both of his hands and surrounding Keith’s entire package with them, feeling his immediate response, the release of held breath and the slight moan that he couldn’t hold back……his hips lifting begging for Elliott’s touch….for more….for faster….for harder……Elliott feeling his helplessness again……enjoying the feel of his delicious agony and then…his letting go….fighting to remain silent….and then sinking into the bed exhausted….Elliott remained where he was…..hovering…..waiting.. ..he hadn’t made it this far in their game to rush now……knowing that Keith was wondering again…..what….when….. holding his hardness in one hand, he lowered his mouth to Keith’s one more time, kissing his beautiful lips, slowly drawing Keith’s tongue into his mouth…then focused on his fantasy….their fantasy….taking in the hazel eyes, the open smile….imagining Keith’s face in complete abandon..and using his own hand, he brought himself to a climax, coming on Keith’s belly…..the intimacy of it taking him all the way….

For a few moments, Kurt lay on top of Javi, breathing hard, his head resting on his chest. Javi remained still and Kurt raised himself from Javi’s warmth to release him from his bonds and then silently laid down again beside him, nestling into his arms. He couldn’t believe the feeling of closeness, the sense of being exactly where he was supposed to be.

“Mi Javi?” Javi pulled him closer and whispered into his hair, “Si, mi amor? “Why do I feel….this way?” “And what way would that be bebe?” “So close to you, so content, so…connected? Maybe more than I ever have.” Javi was very quiet for a while and then said, “I don’t have all the answers, but I think it’s because we just dealt with one of the cores of our relationship.” “The cores….like what?” “Insecurity, fear of being abandoned, fear of….loss, lack of trust perhaps?” “I think I understand sort of but can you elaborate? I mean we just made love to each other pretending we were other people…and we weren’t just having sex…or fulfilling a fantasy…you were pretending I was Elliott and I was imagining you as Keith!” “And we did all of that without jealousy or fear, didn’t we? We planned it together and had fun with it, right?” “Yeah, I guess we did.” “Okay, do you wish it was Keith lying here beside you right now and be truthful.” “No….no I want you to be here, not him or anyone else.” “And I don’t want Elliott lying here beside me.” “Think about this….if we had never tried this, maybe we would secretly be doing that now…or sometime. Instead, we’re lying here as you said, closer, more content, more connected.” “As strange as that all sounds, I believe you. Did you know we’d feel….like this? “No…but I knew the possibility existed.”

So, was Keith as good as me?” “Oh, noooooo, he was far better! Mi Javi, you should have been there! It was amaz….” “Mmmmm….well I wasn’t going to say anything, but Elliott? Oh my God, Kurtito! It was like….beyond description…..I think I might just ask him out again! Would you mind?” “A double date! You and Elliott, me and Keith!” “But what about Kurt and Javi, mi amor?” “What about them?” Kurt giggled as Javi rolled on top of him, sitting on his belly, “You’re probably right, four of us in this bed….maybe, but six of us?” Kurt laughed again, “Now there’s something we’ve definitely never tried!” “And we never will, you little smartass!” Javi said, smothering Kurt with kisses.

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