CHAPTER 67 – ARE YOU READY/I HATE YOU!

CHAPTER 67 – ARE YOU READY/I HATE YOU

Time had a way of creeping up on a person, thought Javi, and the clock was ticking.  Kurt’s birthday was only a few short weeks away.  Another first to be celebrated!  He immediately discarded the ludicrous suggestion that Kurt might not want a party.  He needed to give his mind a reality check.  In many ways, the planning and decorating was the party for Kurt, so he tossed out the idea of a surprise party, consulting Adam for advice based on his knowledge of past birthday parties.  Adam laughed and said, “My advice is to put it in his capable hands because he’ll be telling you what to do anyway right down to the perfect glassware and suggesting what you should wear.”

The hectic months of touring were behind them and the subtle rhythms of life in San Diego resumed.  He’d be recording another single in mid-summer, but unless fate intervened the calendar was wide open, days and nights waiting to be filled with calm and time together.  Looking forward to August with excitement and a bit of trepidation, Kurt’s sojourn as a student would come to an end.  Even though Javi’s manager was already after him to convince Kurt to meet with him to discuss some of his future options, Javi was in no hurry to push Kurt into decisions.  He had yet to digest the learning experience of living life on the road.  When his life no longer revolved around classes, recitals and homework, he could shift his concentration to his passion, whatever that may be, his prospective path. 

The initial awkwardness was ultimately starting to fade.  Javi readjusting his sleep patterns, Kurt attempting to be accommodating, and playing what sometimes felt like a tug of war between togetherness and the somewhat solitary lives they’d grown used to while apart.  Kurt was feeling more self-assured and had reclaimed some of his natural independence. The time they spent in each other’s company was precious to them both, but living like conjoined twins could prove fatal to their relationship. By degrees, Kurt would huddle in his newly-decorated room to study, to seek out solitude, or as Javi liked to say to simply “be.” Occasionally, Adam would text Kurt about a movie they both wanted to see or some TAS-related activity and they’d have a night out, just the two of them.  Reminiscing about Tonio reminded Javi of the battles they’d fought trying to maintain a strong relationship while struggling to maintain their sense of self.  Whereas some couples had to struggle to find time together, they had grappled with finding times and places to be apart.

Javi had considered a variety of birthday gifts, and had probably gone overboard in his purchasing, but the gift that had occupied his thoughts more than any other was, hopefully, a gift to be shared.  That memorable day in the weight room when he’d confessed to Kurt that his love and desire for him was beyond what he’d ever known, that he loved and wanted him more than anyone?   He’d loved only one other man; he was saying he loved Kurt more.  God!  He had loved Tonio endlessly and always, but he had been such high maintenance.  He laughed to himself, and since he had no other point of reference, he hadn’t realized it until he found Kurt.  Loving and living with Kurt…..it was like floating on the ocean, the tides came in and went out regularly, with only an occasional storm or a wave that might take them tumbling through it for a while, but so far there had been no hurricanes, no tsunamis…in short, no tempestuous Tonio.  

He could visualize Kurt trying to appear so casual perched on that barstool at The Rafters.  In the matter of those few seconds of observation, his senses had deafened, his awareness focused solely on Kurt.  And then The Rafters regained its existence, but Javi knew even then that his life was no longer his own if he was given a chance to offer it to that man; he didn’t even know his name.  He’d been waiting for so long.  When it came to love, Javi knew certainty was only a hope, but for once the lack of it didn’t stop him from trying.  Taking it reasonably slowly and cautiously had been wise.

There was a part of him that was completely satisfied with where they were.  But he wasn’t sure if Kurt was…. and if he was going to practice what he preached, a heart-to-heart conversation was the only answer.  Some of the more intimate moments they’d shared had been in the moment without prior discussion, but they almost always talked about it afterwards.  

Javi knew his way of viewing a sexual relationship wasn’t the way that probably 90% of the world viewed it, especially now.  Sex had become so casual that at times it seemed almost like a substitute for a greeting.  “Hi, I’m Javi!  How do you want me?”  Even the terminology with words like hookup becoming a description for sex, like meeting at McDonald’s, placing your order and leaving 20 minutes later after paying for a dollar menu meal.  And sure, he’d participated in his fair share of them out of loneliness, but that wasn’t his real view of what a sexual relationship should be if you were looking for love, long-term or forever.  

There were no particularly appealing words that were synonymous with penetration, no delicate way to say it, nothing about the word itself that was particularly romantic or erotic, but the act itself, if engaged in for all the right reasons, went far beyond romance.  It was giving your entire self over to the idea, “we are joining together as one” and not just the idea, but the person – any form of penetration, even kissing.  But French kissing was sort of the preliminary, almost symbolic for the eventuality of something far more meaningful.  That was the ideal.  And of course as everything in this world, it could be a beautiful, even sacred thing, but it could also be trivialized or violent if used in a way it was never intended.  His memory conjured up the few times when their passion nearly overcame their caution – he still couldn’t hear the song U Got My Love without evoking that morning in the shower, how he came so close to dragging Kurt in there with him, allowing them to live out Kurt’s carefully constructed fantasy in reality.  And the slow sweetness of discovering each other’s bodies and minds?  It had been and still was a place that seemed to hover somewhere between his imagined idea of heaven and paradise.  Almost a year though….it was time to at least have an earnest discussion about it.  Some couples no matter their sexual orientation enjoyed sex and lived their entire lives without penetration for any number of reasons.  But were he and Kurt such a couple?

Kurt had been quietly rejoicing Javi’s return ever since the day he’d walked through the door, gathering him in his arms, singing Home At Last by Steely Dan.  Holding him close, Kurt whispered, “So hungry or horny?”  “Actually both….but…..” Javi replied in between feather kisses over Kurt’s face, “..maybe….you’ll be…..my appetizer….si?” “Si, mi Javito…..I’ve missed you so much…” He sighed as he took Javi’s face into his hands, kissing him in a way that left no doubt.  After the initial week of reorienting themselves to each other again, Kurt realized that their relationship had changed….was changing. They still loved spending time together, a lot of it…but they were comfortable with being apart, too.  However, after the broken strand of days and nights spent in their own company, they still treasured waking up and falling asleep together.  Their favorite times to talk, it was like rewriting their relationship with conversation, learning and relearning each other’s thoughts.  Sometimes if they both had a day off, they’d lay in bed all day, reading, watching TV, listening to music and making love, simply enjoying each other’s company.  

Although he thought about Blaine on occasion, he no longer considered him a real friend and certainly not a best friend.  He’d realized that one day when he was sorting through some old pictures and school yearbooks, a place he was guaranteed to find photos of them together.  He wasn’t even sure why he’d decided to go through this stuff, but his first thought had not been of what he would find of their past, it was memories of Glee Club.  His birthday was coming up and they’d always had the best parties!  Now, Blaine was just another person in the group.  Never in a million years did he ever think he’d feel like that.

Yet, he was still having dreams about him….them.  He’d made the decision to discuss some of the tangled details with Javi, but he wanted to wait until after his birthday.  After all, the dreams weren’t going anywhere (how he wished) and for whatever reason with Javi home again, he didn’t feel as guilty about them.  In fact (and Javi would be proud, he was sure!) he’d even woven some of the details into their own sex life…but there was one thing in particular that he wasn’t ready to share, not yet.  

RECOMMENDATIONS:  Slow to 0.75 or lower to watch/listen to lyrics, they relate somewhat to the story.

I’ve watched these videos multiple times since I’ve found them and each time I find another subtlety that I missed last time because of the way they’re filmed in a behind the scenes sort of way, with overlapping sort of double exposure effect.

https://youtu.be/_x6xFgKghTc

You’re the colour
You’re the movement and the spin

Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long

Fail with consequence
Lose with eloquence and smile

I’m not in this movie
I’m not in this song

Never
Leave me paralyzed, love
Leave me hypnotized, love

You’re the colour
You’re the movement and the spin

Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long

Fail with consequence
Lose with eloquence and smile

You’re not in this movie
You’re not in this song

Never
Leave me paralyzed, love
Leave me hypnotized, love

You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil?
Could you be an angel?

Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing

They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don’t understand you

You’re from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial

You’re so supersonic
Wanna feel your powers
Stun me with your lasers
Your kiss is cosmic
Every move is magic

You’re from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial

There is this transcendental
On another level
Boy, you’re my lucky star

I wanna walk on your wavelength
And be there when you vibrate
For you I’ll risk it all, all

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial

Extraterrestrial
Extraterrestrial

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial

CRAZY IN LOVE – THIS VIDEO IS AGE RESTRICTED AND CANNOT BE EMBEDDED HERE. I BELIEVE IT’S ESSENTIAL TO THE STORY LINE AND I’M SURE IF YOU LOVE KLAINE YOU’LL LOVE THE VIDEO. THIS IS THE LINK, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO GO TO YOUTUBE AND DO A SEARCH USING THE LINK. IF YOU ENTER CRAZY IN LOVE KLAINE, SEVERAL WILL COME UP SO I ADVISE USING THE LINK: https://youtu.be/qlfW3XhEI-k

Yes
It’s so crazy right now
Most incredibly, it’s ya girl, B
It’s ya boy, youngYou ready?
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, noYeah, history in the making
Part two, it’s so crazy right nowI look and stare so deep in your eyes
I touch on you more and more every time
When you leave, I’m begging you not to go
Call your name two, three times in a row
Such a funny thing for me to try to explain
How I’m feeling and my pride is the one to blame
‘Cause I know I don’t understand
Just how your love can do what no one else canGot me looking so crazy right now, your love’s
Got me looking so crazy right now (your love)
Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch
Got me looking so crazy right now (your touch)
Got me hoping you’ll page me right now, your kiss
Got me hoping you’ll save me right now
Looking so crazy, your love’s
Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in loveUh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, noWhen I talk to my friends so quietly
Who he think he is? Look at what you did to me
Tennis shoes, don’t even need to buy a new dress
If you ain’t there, ain’t nobody else to impress
It’s the way that you know what I thought I knew
It’s the beat that my heart skips when I’m with you
But I still don’t understand
Just how your love can do what no one else canGot me looking so crazy right now, your love’s
Got me looking so crazy right now (oh, crazy)
Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch (your love)
Got me looking so crazy right now (love)
Got me hoping you’ll page me right now, your kiss (hey)
Got me hoping you’ll save me right now
Looking so crazy, your love’s (hey)
Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love
I’m looking so crazy in love’s
Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love

Cheers to my friends my enemies
My dreams the death of me
Drink one grab your gun
Cut me deepLosing sleep and all my faith
In these promises that I take
Lay me down with a smile
To drown in the rain
So give me love an all your hate
Tell me lies in fifty shades
Lay me down for awhile
Get lost in the grey

Forever on the floor
Don’t ever stop
I want more
Like nails on my skin
Swallow my sins
Hurt me, hurt me again

Forever on the floor
Don’t ever stop
I want more
Like nails on my skin
Swallow my sins
Hurt me, hurt me again

Cheers to the end the bitter sweet
You have my dreams and all of me
Drink one come undone, marry me
Say you will, say you will Marry me
Say you will, say you will

Losing sleep and all my faith
In these promises that I take
Lay me down with a smile
To drown…

Kurt’s mind retraced its way back to the time when their conversations about their efforts to “have sex without having sex”  seemed uppermost.  The definition of what was meant by that phrase had been clear – spelled out it meant blowjobs and anal sex.  His memory tripping over their imaginative methods, it wasn’t so much about the variety of ways they chose to make love, it was more about the fanciful, almost artistic, paths they’d chosen to love and please each other.  But Kurt had ultimately discerned the common thread woven through the mixture of dreams.  And it was something they needed to talk about.  Was he ready?  Were they ready?  What were his dreams attempting to vocalize?  In Kurt’s mind, there were two possibilities; maybe he was ready for one, but not the other?  He didn’t know, but his only real option was discussing it with Javi.  And there was another aspect of these dreams that seemed to overlap into their relationship, but again what did it mean if anything?  Damn!  He didn’t know if any of it meant anything!  He brushed the questions aside.  It could wait until after his birthday, he had a party to plan!

Javi couldn’t contain his laughter.  The first words out of Kurt’s lovely mouth that morning were, “Can we have my party here or should we have it at The Rafters?”  “And good morning to you too, mi amor!  Hmmmm….I guess I better give you my two cents worth before you decide to plan two parties, just to cover the birthday bases!”  “It’s my first birthday in San Diego and with you!”  “Okay, mi adorable cumpleanero (adorable birthday boy), it’s your birthday, and I’m pretty sure you’ve already got some ideas, so where do you want your first birthday party in San Diego to be?”  “I don’t know what you just called me except adorable, so I’ll go with that….I was thinking I’d like to have it here.  This is my home now and I sort of have an idea for a theme, but it probably wouldn’t work well anywhere else but here.”  “And your idea?”  “Promise you won’t laugh..”  “I’m already laughing, so I can’t really make that promise, and your idea is????”  “I want to have a kid’s party.  I never really had one when I was a kid because I didn’t have hardly any friends, so I thought it would be fun.  We could play things like Twister or Pin the Tail on the Donkey, an adult version of Would You Rather, have a pinata…”  “A pinata?”  “Well, it could have something in it other than candy, of course.”  “So, no hot guy jumping out of a cake?”  Kurt gave him a disgusted look, as if saying “take me seriously!”  Javi was still laughing, “But I was going to volunteer of course, maybe do a strip tease for you and 25 of our closest friends…” he simply couldn’t stop laughing and Kurt wasn’t even trying to hide his pursed lips and raised eyebrow.  Tiny daggers were figuratively stabbing Javi with his eyes.  

In a huff, Kurt picked up his fluffy pillow and attacked Javi, “Sometimes I hate you, I hate you, I just hate you!”  That proclamation only made him laugh harder; he could barely gasp the words, “Oh, you do not!  You love me to death….”  he grabbed the pillow from Kurt’s hands and tossed it to the floor, “Kurtito, you absolutely love me to death and you know how I know that?”  Javi pushed him over onto his back, “I know because you let me do this…” He bent over Kurt and tried to kiss him, but Kurt was having none of it, twisting his face away, “No, leave me alone!  Just go away!”  “I’m not going anywhere because I happen to know you don’t really want me to…..I think I know what you want… let’s practice Twister shall we?….I love getting you all tangled up in the sheets…or a sexy game of….would you rather I touch you here….or over here…”  “Leave me alone!”  The struggle continued, delighting Javi, as Kurt fought against his roaming hands, “Ha! Ha!” usually Kurt loved that slightly dirty laugh, but not now.  “And you’re already in your birthday suit…and I’m wearing mine to help you celebrate…” Javi’s fingers reached between Kurt’s legs, slowly caressing and stroking as Kurt continued to struggle, still not letting Javi kiss him, so Javi held one shoulder and lowered his lips to Kurt’s nipples, “Stop it, Javi!  No!  I don’t want….”  “Oh, Kurtito, are you sure???” he whispered in that way Kurt adored.  He knew all too well if Kurt didn’t want to, all he had to do was say one of their safe words…and if Kurt really wanted to he could easily get out from under Javi’s grasp.  “Mi Kurtito, the taste of your skin….the way that your nipples stand at attention when I do this…” he flicked his tongue, “it turns me inside out…. So, you don’t want me to do this?” He sighed dejectedly as he continued to stroke Kurt’s by now hard cock. “Your body is soooo beautiful…..and when I have you in my hand and you’re so hard…..you’re so hot mi amor….” “Stop it…go away..just..quit..”  “So, then I guess you really don’t want me to do this anymore?”  Kurt continued to struggle as Javi used the tip of his tongue to lick his nipples again, “No….just stop it….let me up….”  “Okay…I’ll let you up after I check just one more”….he slid his lips down Kurt’s belly.  “I’ll let you up….” he ran his tongue slowly around the inside of Kurt’s navel over and over…”right after I do this, okay?….yessss, Kurtito, the way you can’t stay still when I do this….it drives me crazy…”  and he lowered his tongue into Kurt’s belly button, slowly….slowly….slowly…. Kurt couldn’t contain the moan that escaped his lips, “Javi….stop…..just…. stop…..”  “Just say the word…..just one word….and of course I’ll stop…..say it and I’ll stop right now….I don’t want to get too carried away…..”  Suddenly Kurt pushed Javi hard onto his back, his eyes flashing as he looked into Javi’s, “damn you, Javi…” he hissed and attacked his lips, releasing every ounce of his love/hate and built up frustration into the fierce, open-mouthed kiss, stretching his body on top of Javi’s, holding his head still as he devoured him.  Javi was drowning in the feel of their body’s uncontrollable need to thrust against each other, his inability to stop repeating Kurt’s name….Javi took the opportunity….and in turn holding Kurt’s face still, he gazed into those flashing eyes, barely an inch from his own, “Hate me some more, Kurtito……please please hate me some more….” he wouldn’t let him look away, and kissed him with eyes wide open, then forced Kurt to look into his eyes again, “You’re so….cute when you hate me…..when you’re like this there’s only one thing I want to do….,” and Kurt started struggling again; he’d grown tired of people calling him cute and Javi knew it.  Kurt rolled back onto his side, taking Javi’s body with him, reaching between them, handling Javi’s prick none too gently, but as Javi reached for Kurt’s he forcefully pushed the hand away….”No!  Leave me alone!”   “Oh si, mi Kurtito….si….fight me….tear me apart….God Kurt it’s sooooo hot when you’re like this……show me how much you don’t want it….how much you don’t want me, si?”  Kurt grabbed both of them in one hand, shifting their bodies tightly against each other….”don’t you dare mock me….” he whispered against Javi’s lips as he attacked them again…”don’t you dare…”  Moaning, he grasped Kurt’s thick hair in his hands and closed his eyes, letting Kurt have his way with both of them….he hadn’t been lying…..his resistance level was less than zero when Kurt got like this….soooo very hot……waiting for Kurt’s concentration on his lips to wander.  He took Kurt’s lower lip between his teeth, biting him playfully, then moved to his chin…..”Hate me a little more…..just like that……oh God……still hate me Kurt?….do you?”  biting his chin, his jaw, his neck, “..yessss yessss….do you, mi pequeno volcan (little volcano)?…..”yesss, I….no…..ohmygod…..no…. .”

While Kurt was at work, Javi and Adam spent the afternoon decorating to Kurt’s specifications, of course.  “Has he always been this…..picky and fussy?”  Javi laughed, tacking up yet another streamer, right beside the pinata, a beach ball, because if it had been just a little warmer they would have had the party on the beach and it represented a symbol of Kurt’s first year in California.  Adam had enlisted the help of a couple of friends to provide some out of the ordinary finger food along with the usual party snacks.  They’d invited about 40 people and even a few from Boutique Magnifique and TAS, not just the usual crowd who might have gathered at The Rafters.  The screened in porch was Fun and Games Central, a couple of tables so people could play Would You Rather, a king size Twister mat, and yes, Pin the Tail on the Donkey; even a game of hide and seek in the backyard for those who wanted to play.  As it turned out, Kurt was not the only adult on the planet who liked the idea of having the grownup version of a child’s birthday party.  Javi had attempted to apologize for his initial reaction until Kurt grabbed him by the cheeks squishing his lips together and saying, “Oh, you’re so….cute, mi Javito, trying to apologize for that lame excuse to have sex….I still hate you and I hate you just enough to let you try it again.”  “An excuse?  I need an excuse now?”  “Stop it, you know what I meant.”  Javi laughed, “No, I don’t, but maybe you can come up with an excuse to show me what you meant, si?”

It was 7:30 and the house was filled with the noise and laughter of a party in full swing.  Those that enjoyed playing games were gathered on the screened in porch, spilling into the back yard.  He heard the sound of someone counting and realized a game of hide and seek was in progress.  Javi shook his head and smiled..who would have guessed?  Because of considerable help from Burt and Kurt’s friend, Rachel, a video of Kurt’s life up until the present was playing on continuous loop in the living room.  And of course when Javi went looking for Kurt he was…where else?  Hiding in the backyard with all the other “kids” except for the person who was IT.  Javi stole a few moments by himself, studying the scene around him, the people and decorations, all the food….a year ago at this time he was on the verge of meeting the man who would turn his life upside down and hadn’t even known it.  If he had, would he have run?  Glad the answer to that had been left to destiny, he went back inside to watch the video; so typical of the man he’d come to love with his entire being, Kurt wouldn’t let him watch it beforehand.

It was almost midnight when the party started to wind down.  As Adam and Ethan carried the homemade angel food cakes to a cleared table on the porch, the partygoers formed an uneven circle, singing their off-key version of the traditional birthday song.  With the candlelight sparkling in Kurt’s eyes, Javi could almost believe he was the 6-year-old boy from Lima finding the friends he’d lacked to have his party as a child.  Closing his eyes, perhaps even making a childhood wish, he blew the candles out.

Javi clapped his hands in an attempt to capture everyone’s attention.  “Everyone in the living room, por favor?”  The life of Kurt video had been replaced, but with what?  The screen was pitch black, but it wouldn’t be for long – Javi had  two surprises for his Kurtito.  The first was sentimental – the smiling faces of Kurt’s friends from the other side of the continent appearing with birthday greetings.  Kurt being Kurt, he grinned through happy tears.  There was Rachel and Sam and Puck, Quinn, Mercedes, Brit and even Mr. Schue, all celebrating with him, if not like old times, well…this would have to be enough, wishing Finn’s face had been among those on the screen.  “Now, close your eyes, mi amor.”  Kurt gave Javi a look of suspicion and everyone laughed when Javi promised he didn’t plan to hurt him.  “Okay….now you can open them.” 

Despite the fun he was having, Kurt’s antennae were still on alert.  Sometimes Javi relished slightly embarrassing him a little too much and when he felt Javi’s arms wrapping around his neck, he turned the tables on him, kissing him first as if they weren’t standing in a room filled to capacity with their friends.  His imagination allowed all of them to dissolve, kissing Javi with raw passion.  When Kurt broke the kiss, Javi gazed into his eyes for a split second, then exclaimed, “I knew there was some Latinx blood running through your veins!” to the sound of more clapping and laughter.

“Now, aren’t you glad we cleaned the place up last night when a few people could stay and help?” Kurt asked as they lay in bed reminiscing about the night before. “You know Kurtito one of the many reasons I keep you around is I don’t need to use the cleaning service nearly as often.  Now if I could just get you to wear a frilly apron and serve me breakfast in bed every morning my life would be complete.”  “Tell ya what, next time you want to bring one of your fantasies to reality, I’ll gladly wear a frilly apron if you will.”  “Now there’s a visual, mi Kurtito,” and they laughed imagining each other in aprons, much less nude in aprons, much less nude in frilly aprons.

Kurt nestled into the warmth of Javi’s neck, their heads resting on the plump pillows.  “Mi Javito, I want to talk to you about something….seriously.”  Javi drew him closer and they lay in contented silence until Kurt took a steadying breath and said, “I’ve been thinking about the dreams….not the nightmares, the sex dreams…and I’ve decided I want to describe some of the details to you, but….”  “Just tell me what you want to, don’t feel like you have to say more than what you’re comfortable with, mi amor.  Remember it’s not like we haven’t sorta been down this road already with the whole Elliot and Keith thing….and look at how well that turned out?” he chuckled and he felt Kurt relax a little more into his arms.

Kurt took another breath and let it out.  “Um….it’s like there are four dreams intertwined.  And they’re….they’re like a history of my and Blaine’s relationship, not just sexual….all the things we shared…..singing together…um, our prom…places we went to be alone with each other….the kisses….the smiles..” Kurt’s voice was trembling and Javi held him as closely as he could, soothing him with his hand.  “And….” Kurt stopped.  This was the part he didn’t want to talk about and it was of course the very thing that tied the vexing dreams together, that might be an indication of their significance, “Javi, I don’t want you to feel….responsible?…for this next part but it’s the one thing they all have in common.  “Go on, mi amor.  If I can promise you nothing else, I can promise you this.  I won’t be upset….take your time.”  Kurt took a few more breaths, tried to steady his voice and said, “In all of them we’re….Blaine and I….” he took another breath, why was this so ridiculously difficult? and forced the words out all at once, “we’re going farther than you and I have.”  Javi hid his secret smile and kissed Kurt’s messy hair.  “So, we’re talking about blowjobs and anal sex, si?”  “I hate…I don’t want to dream about him that way….I’m completely satisfied….with where we are….God! Making love…having sex with you?  It’s more than I’ve ever hoped for….”  “But are you really sure, mi carino…satisfied with where we are?”  “Yes! I really am.”  “So, no desire to take those next steps?  Tell me, after these dreams, do you wake up wishing it was him lying here beside you?  Like I asked about Keith.” Kurt was frustrated, “No, no, Javi,  I don’t ever want to wake up next to anyone else but you, not ever again.”

Javi shifted so that he was looking into Kurt’s eyes.  They’d turned a stormy ocean gray.  “Kurt, that’s all I need to know.  This is what I think…or maybe it’s because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a while now anyway.  The right time never seemed to present itself…and now it apparently has.  Dreams are….dreams, usually have lots of symbolism and have very little to do with reality.  I think….and this is just a possibility, not a fact….I think Blaine is a substitute for me.  Our past is always a fertile landscape for our dreams….and with regard to relationships, Blaine is the only past you’ve ever known.  If you don’t love or want Blaine, then I think your mind is telling you something.  And it’s pretty obvious that you’re ready to move forward with somebody.”

“Escucha, sorry, listen, Kurtito.  It’s been almost a year since we met and I suggested this rather unorthodox way of developing a relationship.  This day was bound to arrive, but you know how seriously I take our next step.  I know this sounds harsh, but….I would rather walk away from our relationship right this minute than to take our lovemaking to what I consider a monumental level.  You remember how after every step we took, we felt different about each other?  Like we were knit together a little tighter? Do you remember when I told you this particular step would be like an explosion if we waited?  What I’m saying is I don’t want to draw us even closer together only to discover one of us wasn’t ready.”

Kurt didn’t speak for several minutes, unconsciously running his fingers through Javi’s bedhead of blue-black curls, thinking.  “Javi…I think you might be right…about the dreams, I mean…well, and all the rest, too.  Honestly, I really am happy right where we are…but I am ready; I know that for sure, but I view it in two steps, not just one….and are you ready?”

“Si, mi amor, but I didn’t want it to be spur of the moment.  I knew we’d have to have a serious talk before we even considered it, just like when we had to talk about protected versus unprotected.  This sort of takes that discussion to a whole new level.  I mean, we’ve both always tested negative, and neither of us has been with anyone else since we met….but there’s always a risk even if it’s a small one.  But, si, in our case, negative should absolutely mean negative after all this time.  And then there’s the more practical and not entirely comfortable parts to talk about.  Like spit or swallow?”  

Kurt almost laughed.  He remembered his first time; the logistics were the farthest thing from their minds.  In fact, their minds and bodies were overloaded with hormones and feelings, the kind of desire that left all rational thoughts behind, and when it got to that point where they had to decide in the heat of the moment, they’d both chosen spit.  But as they became more experienced, most times they chose swallow wanting to maintain the closeness, the affection, the love they felt in that moment. And he was thinking about how Javi seemed so at ease with cum, sometimes employing it to take an erotic moment to an extremely intimate experience.  Kurt still felt swallow was better; spitting was distracting and seemed almost counter to what should be shared in love.  Kurt said, “Um….I’ve tried both, but….swallowing…”  Were they really having this conversation?  “Me, too….spitting is just….it’s disruptive I guess?”

“And what about anal sex?”  It seemed so weird to be talking so matter of factly.  “Well….I’ve tried it, both top and bottom….mostly what I don’t like is all the preparation.  It takes away the spontaneity,”  Kurt said. “And it’s not like planning a fantasy.  It’s almost like….I don’t know, preparing for a doctor’s appointment or something.” Javi took Kurt’s hand, “I agree about the spontaneity.  And I like it but not on a regular basis; it’s too much work.  Of course, I’d be willing to try it….”  Kurt chuckled, “I think I know by now that you’ll try almost anything.”  

Sinking more deeply into his Javi’s embrace, he was relieved…but there was another aspect to the dreams that he wanted to tell him about as well.  This wasn’t quite as difficult to talk about, yet it wasn’t something…..come on, Kurt! he thought to himself.  He knew if he could talk honestly with anyone, it was Javi; he just wasn’t used to talking about this stuff.  “There’s something else about these dreams….that sort of converges, I guess…with our love life.  The whole bondage thing….one of the dreams occurs in what looks like a dungeon? filled with all kinds of BDSM equipment….the dream isn’t hard-core or at least I don’t think so…..it’s nothing like what we’ve done so far or what little Blaine and I did….”  Javi was a little startled by this.  Had Kurt been doing more research on BDSM?  He still remembered the first time he’d introduced some bondage into their lovemaking and Kurt was literally shaking afterwards….Javi was so afraid he’d hurt him!  It wasn’t that they hadn’t already tentatively approached it before then, but something about that time had triggered an instinctive, almost overpowering response in Kurt because the next day he couldn’t stop talking about it.  And Javi had something he had not yet shared with Kurt…and he may never share it, unless Kurt was ready for that?  Well, he’d just have to listen and observe.

“Mi Kurtito, did that part of the dream frighten you?”  “No, not really….with what little I can remember it was actually kind of intriguing.  And speaking of intriguing, remember the toys I got you for Christmas?”  Javi smiled, “Of course I remember!”  “Well, now that you’re home for a while, we have time to try them out!”  Javi kissed Kurt’s forehead saying, “I don’t know….I’ll try almost anything….but sex toys?  Hmmmm….have to think about that…”  Kurt smiled and rolled his eyes.

“So do you feel better now that you’ve told me and we’ve discussed it?  It’s an open conversation, carino.  And there’s a lot to think about, si?  Another first, at least with each other.  Do you want to plan it together or not plan it at all, just know that it’s going to happen sometime in the future?”

“Since it’s an open conversation…”  Kurt was still fighting his uneasiness with the subject, “I’d prefer blowjobs first….the other is sort of my second option, especially since we both kind of feel the same way about it.  And….let’s…can we think about how we want to approach the timing for a while?”

They remained quiet for some time, Kurt wrapped in Javi’s arms, Javi wrapped around Kurt’s body, like two nesting dolls.  “Javi?”  “Si, mi amor.” 

“I wish there were other words to say I love you, because I do ya know?  And it sounds so….I don’t know what it sounds like….but I love you in ways I didn’t even know I could…and I love things about you that I didn’t even know could be lovable.”  “Then…you don’t hate me anymore?”  Javi laughed.  “Of course I still hate you…that’s one of the things I didn’t know could be lovable….see what I mean?”  Kurt looked up into Javi’s smiling brown eyes and asked, “Is it okay if I show you how much I hate you again?  I want to be positive that I still do.”