CHAPTER 68 – ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

CHAPTER 68 – ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

Blaine had been nervously looking at his phone all evening.  He’d put it down and then he’d pick it up again.  He and Jeff had been talking about this for two weeks now.  They’d agreed on almost every aspect.  Their plan to move to LA had gone from an idea, to a strong possibility, to something concrete.  Jeff had found a job in LA, a choice job, a shot at a real career!  No matter the size, he’d applied at every hospital  and surgical center in the area knowing he’d find something.  His thorough research of LA’s healthcare system had paid off in spades! Cedars-Sinai was code for almost guaranteed success.  Every offer had been carefully considered, so when yet another number from a California prefix appeared on his phone, he answered without hesitation.  When the businesslike voice on the other end of the call announced that the call was from Cedars-Sinai, he plopped down in a chair, not even realizing he was holding his breath.  The initial phone interview alone went on for 30 minutes.  Afterwards, Jeff had immediately saved their number, hoping for a second call.  The following Wednesday while he was eating a hurried lunch in the hospital cafeteria where he worked, his phone vibrated.  As in most hospitals cell phone use was prohibited, so he answered it quickly, heading for the closest exit to continue the call outside.  The voice from California asked if a second in-person interview was a possibility for the following Monday, only three days in the future.  Because he worked an insane number of hours, it wasn’t difficult to request time off and receive it.  Short notice or not, he’d been out the door excitedly telling Blaine he’d be back in a few days.  After untangling the usual red tape…the interviews, then the waiting….then finally the offer, they both knew it was one he couldn’t refuse…and by the way could he start 30 days from today?  

And now the ball had been tossed into Blaine’s court, not that there was even a question that he would bounce it back to Jeff and not move with him. Jeff wouldn’t even be going to LA if he hadn’t met Blaine.  And since Jeff’s salary would double, he’d generously offered to support them for a year so Blaine could concentrate on his own career.  At first Blaine had been resistant, “Jeff, no!  I won’t ask you to do that, we haven’t even been together for a year!  That just wouldn’t be fair.”  To which Jeff replied, “Since when are relationships about fair?  Fair is for kids on the playground to question, not adults, and especially adults like us.  Blaine, I love you. You’re not asking me, I’m offering.  And besides, oddly enough, the cost of living is lower in LA than New York.”  He again pointed out that the reason they were moving to LA in the first place was so Blaine could pursue his passion and his own career.  But acting and singing wasn’t like having a regular job.  It wasn’t there waiting for you, you had to build it on your own, depending on a million variables, not the least of which was luck.  So, grudgingly, he agreed, but only if they had an ongoing discussion about it or at the very least revisited their living situation in a year.  

He sighed and glanced at his phone again.  He wasn’t waiting for a text, although receiving one would delay the inevitable for a while longer; he was waiting to make a call, to gather the pound of courage it required.  He and Jeff had agreed that he would do this tonight when Jeff was at work.  Jeff had offered to be there if that was what Blaine wanted, but Jeff thought it would be best if he wasn’t.  He didn’t want Blaine to feel self-conscious while having a serious conversation with Kurt.  And this wasn’t an occasion where texting would be appropriate.

He brought up Kurt’s number, stared at it for a moment as if his brain hadn’t memorized it ages ago, took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  As he listened to the phone ring, his heart couldn’t help but beat a little faster.  They hadn’t spoken since Thanksgiving of the previous year and here it was almost August.  By now Kurt probably thought he’d never hear from Blaine again and probably wouldn’t be exactly unhappy about that.  

I love San Diego! Kurt thought as he climbed out of the shallow end of the pool, grabbing a towel and leaning over to kiss Javi and ruffle his curls. They were sharing the patio with a variety of birds presumably chirping about how they loved San Diego, too.  Another cloudless warm day in California.  Did anyone really grow tired of seeing the sun every day?  His phone lay on the patio table vibrating.  He looked at it and his heart sank as quickly as his body, collapsing onto the lounge chair.  He looked over at Javi who had a questioning look on his face.  “Uhh…hi Blaine….” Kurt didn’t take his eyes off of Javi’s as Javi reached for his other hand and squeezed it, letting him know he wasn’t alone and that helped Kurt to steady his voice.  “Hi, Kurt, um….I know this is awkward….do you have some time to talk?”  Kurt looked at Javi again, “Sure, I’ve got some time….what’s up?”  He shrugged his shoulders as Javi nodded reassuringly.  “Well, I’m planning on moving to LA soon….with my boyfriend, Jeff….oh, right, you didn’t know about him….”  Kurt took a deep breath and laid down on the chair, “Blaine, it’s okay.  You don’t have to feel so weird about this….I mean you told me last year that you were thinking seriously about LA…and my dad told me you were involved with someone.  So…what can I help with?”  Blaine let out an audible sigh, “Remember when Javi offered to help me if he could…if I ended up in LA?  I sort of thought it would be better to….I don’t know touch base with you first.  After all, I wouldn’t even know him if it weren’t for you.  So, I guess I was just wondering if you could maybe give him a heads up that I’d probably be contacting him.”  Kurt thought for a minute, he was almost relieved.  This wasn’t what he’d been expecting at all.  Of course, if Javi offered his help that would mean Blaine and his boyfriend would be maybe a peripheral part of their lives, but maybe not….well, maybe not the way it had seemed back at Thanksgiving.  He looked at Javi again and pointed to the phone asking in Charades fashion if he would talk to Blaine.  Javi nodded.  “Um, Blaine….he’s sitting right here, would you like to talk to him?”  “Well, sure, I mean if you don’t mind?”   Javi took the phone and they exchanged the usual greetings.  Still somewhat nervous, Blaine asked, “Remember last year when you said you might be able to help me if I decided to move to LA?”  Javi nodded to himself, “Of course, I remember.  I assume you’ve decided to ditch New York for a warmer climate?”  He chuckled, putting Blaine a little more at ease.  “Um…yeah…we’re…me and my boyfriend, Jeff… planning on moving by the end of August.”  “Of course, I’ll help.  I try not to go back on promises and besides you’ve got talent…you just need to figure out where to channel it.  How ’bout if you call me when it gets closer to your move and in the meantime I’ll talk to my manager.  I’ve got some of the videos Kurt kept of your duets if you don’t mind my showing them to him.”  Mind?  Blaine thought, of course he didn’t mind! “Sure, but some of those videos might be a little….outdated, ya know?”  “Sure, of course, I’ll make sure he knows that.  Do you want to talk to Kurt again?”  “For a minute, yeah,”  he handed the phone back to Kurt, “Hey, Blaine…so, did that help?”  Blaine laughed, “You’re still good at stating the obvious, Kurt!  Mind if I text you sometime and sorta catch you up on things?”  “I guess not.  It sounds like you’re happy?”  Kurt looked over at Javi and shrugged his shoulders again.  “Yeah, I am Kurt, I really am.  Thanks!  So later?”  and Kurt replied, “Sure,” severing the connection.

Javi squeezed Kurt’s hand and Kurt squeezed back, “Yes, I’m okay.  I mean…it was a little strange, but it doesn’t sound like he’s looking for anything from me.  He did ask if he could text sometime to catch up, but other than that…I mean who can tell from one phone call, but he sounds different, not just happy, but more secure maybe?”  “And how do you feel, mi amor?”  “Stop sounding like a psychiatrist,”  Kurt laughed.  “No!  I’m serious.  You must feel something.”  “I guess I’m glad he’s moving on.  He’s found someone and it’s serious enough that they’re moving across the country together.  I don’t feel any pressure to be his friend, best or otherwise.  And it is nice of you to help him out.”  Javi gave Kurt a no-nonsense look, “Kurtito, you should know by now when it comes to business, I don’t help people out just to be nice.  Blaine is very talented and he deserves a hand up in this business.  Offers without strings attached rarely come along in entertainment, you know that.  You don’t think I’d help him out just because he’s your ex-playmate do you?”  He laughed.  “Oh, shut up, he’s my ex-boy toy.”  “Nope, can’t be, mi amor, you’re both too young to be each other’s boy toys.  Now, you could be MY boy toy….”  “Or since you’re soooo old, you could be my sugar daddy…”  “Oh, no, no, no, I want to be your….fancy man.”  “My what?  You’re not that old!  I think I read that in some mandatory reading from the 1800s when I was in high school!”  Javi fished a lemon slice out of his water and threw it at Kurt, happy that any discussion about Blaine could end like this.

Neither of them had forgotten the discourse they’d had over Kurt’s birthday.  Instead of just exchanging ideas, they’d picked up their notebooks, scribbling their thoughts down, adding and sometimes subtracting in anticipation.  Oddly enough, after deciding to take their relationship to another level, they felt no sense of urgency about it. Kurt’s dreams were still peppered with sexy images of he and Blaine, but not nearly as often, and he wasn’t feeling guilty anymore.  His counselor was pleased that they’d come to some realizations on their own.  Kurt would be finished with school in three weeks and Javi would be almost done with his new single, or that was the plan.  They both wanted this to be special, so much to celebrate!  Now the anticipation of waiting and inventing different scenarios and fantasies was half the fun!

San Diego was dotted with scores of romantic hotel getaways.  But since living in and out of hotels had been the norm recently for either or both of them, special was not the word that came to mind. They’d considered overnight boat cruises, but they wouldn’t necessarily be alone and boats, no matter how luxurious, were short on space.  And though sex on the beach could be fun once in a while, not for what they had in mind.  Finally, they decided the one place they’d be the most comfortable would be home.  They could turn any room into a fantasy and were guaranteed to be completely alone.

Javi opened the bedroom door slowly, not because he would disturb anyone but because these rooms spoke to him every time he entered them.  When he’d moved in it had been a basic utilitarian massage area and he had used it that way for quite some time, but utilitarian really wasn’t Javi’s style.  As in all of his life, he’d created and recreated this suite employing all of his senses, changing it from functional to birthing an experience, not that he’d had anyone to experience it with at the time.  The only person he’d ever shared this room with was himself and a professional masseur as it was a bit difficult to give yourself a massage.  Over the years his imagination had refreshed it, waiting for the phantom person to share it with.  Perhaps he was being overemotional or too much of a romantic, but in his mind the significance of the first they were planning was akin to a straight couple who’d chosen to wait until marriage to have sex.  Picturing himself opening the door to this “virgin” room for Kurt, the one for whom this room had been created, reminded him of the old-fashioned tradition of carrying the bride over the threshold on her wedding night.  
He’d decorated the room in earth tones.  He’d experimented with other options, but the earth tones were sensual, warm and inviting.  He’d installed a round king-size bed in blacks and browns with a velvet headboard.  He’d decorated the walls with tasteful gay erotica, changing the portraits every once in a while to suit his mood.  A retractable skylight was installed above the bed for stargazing.  He smiled at himself reflecting in the recessed floor to ceiling mirrors.  This room was hidden from view as you walked through the door.  

The view from the door was of a large heated bathtub similar to the one he had in another area of the house.  The room had subdued lighting and contained two massage beds.  Every detail was conceived and executed with an eye towards sharing.  He’d recently spent several hours purchasing an array of lotions and skin care products.  He had more than enough candles, but had purchased a few newer ones trying to find a balance between scents he and Kurt both loved.  He was considering making this “first” last a whole weekend.  Possibly catering in food?  There were all kinds of possibilities.  Hiring professional masseurs?  Maybe throw in their own meditation.  

Just like Goldilocks, he stretched out on the bed and as his body conformed to the cushy mattress, he sighed, closing his eyes.  The issue of whether they wanted to orchestrate this first time or just allow it to happen didn’t take very long to resolve.  Creativity was in their blood.  Together or separately, the mischievous fun of plotting fantasies was almost a fantasy all by itself.  In fact, sometimes the plotting would be interrupted by a spur of the moment quickie. A slow smile crept over Javi’s face.  Since they’d ruled out all of the obvious destinations beyond the walls of their home, they flipped a quarter to determine who would be given the gratifying task of choosing where.  Javi had won the coin toss and made the remark that he was certainly glad that they hadn’t used that method for deciding if penetrative sex was in their future in the first place.  And then Kurt said that it might have been more appropriate to use heads or tails to decide what form their next step would take first, and unable to stop laughing at his own play on words, it took him five minutes to quit rolling on the floor while Javi watched, wondering why destiny had chosen him for this endearing and magical man-child.  Sometimes he just couldn’t help but still view him as a boy, because over Kurt’s protests about his cuteness, he WAS cute, adorably cute.  

This room had been on his list, even before he’d won the honor of choosing.  One of his favorite memories was handing Kurt the keys to the house as a Christmas gift.  His expectation when he’d asked him not to use the keys to the two bedrooms he’d never set foot in and also the basement was at the very least a “Why?”  After all, in handing him those keys he’d declared this house Kurt’s official home as well.  But Kurt had never once asked why or even brought the topic up for discussion.  Respect was something Kurt had apparently learned early in life.  And even though Javi had stated numerous times that this house was also now Kurt’s, he wasn’t sure Kurt really took it to heart.  So, in Kurt’s mind the rooms had remained off limits to him.  Not anymore.  Kurt would be the first, and as far as Javi was concerned, the last to share this room with him.  And they’d each come up with a few loosely-planned fantasies in case they wanted to improvise. Kurt liked the idea of making a weekend of it wherever that may occur. 

And then suddenly, in his mind Javi found himself back in Tonio’s arms after their first time.  Such a bittersweet memory.  The hours had passed, overflowing with their murmurings and pillow talk.  Savoring the rarity of three days in a row with nothing but time for each other, their first attempt had been awkward.  Despite what Tonio would later divulge about his sexual knowledge, it was still the first time for both of them.  Tonio could be so gentle at times.  Afterward, he’d gathered Javi into his strong arms and whispered, “Mi dulce Javito, tenemos todo el tiempo del mundo. Aprendiendo a amar contigo? Es el cielo.”  (My sweet Javito, we have all the time in the world. Learning to love with you? It’s heaven).  Javi had glanced up at him, “Like writing songs and playing piano, it takes practice, si?”  Tonio had laughed while messing up his curls, kissing his forehead, “Si, mi amor, and you know how insistent I am on practicing.”  Javi had loved him so much in that moment.  

On the third afternoon, while taking a break from “practice”, Tonio had finally revealed to him how he’d managed to remain a virgin while knowing all that he knew about sex and the art of lovemaking.  Teasing Javi with the story that he refused to tell had been one of Tonio’s choice sports.  But then when he gave in, divulging a story that Javi had built up in his mind from waiting so long, Javi didn’t believe him.  The whole story was so far out, it could have qualified for the best gay fiction around.  Verifying it was seemingly impossible, even though Tonio insisted that what Javi thought of as a bizarre practice was not as uncommon as he might think.  And who could he ask without falling to pieces from embarrassment!  He couldn’t relieve his mind of the image of Tonio’s parents’ involvement in something so off the wall.  They were deeply religious and in some ways very much like his own parents which was one of the many reasons he found Tonio’s story extremely hard to believe.  But somehow Tonio had finally managed to convince him of the truth of it.

Even Tonio was a bit uneasy telling the story.  He’d never shared it with anyone, but he’d never once considered keeping it from Javi forever.  For one, how could he possibly hide it from Javi without Javi thinking he didn’t trust him?  And, the whole premise of what he’d been taught was grounded in respect.  He respected his lover too much not to tell him.    

It wasn’t that he was ashamed or embarrassed; he knew it was a story that few if any would believe.  And it wasn’t like his parents were the only ones in the world that used this practice to teach their sons about sex and intimacy.  In fact, years later Tonio discovered that at least one other couple he knew growing up had done the same thing with their son.  And amazingly enough, neither boy had ever spoken of it with the other.

The idea was simple enough.  When a boy turned somewhere between 13 and 14, their parents introduced them to the concept of “how sex between a couple was supposed to be.”  Of course, in their generation that meant a married couple, but realizing the world was changing as it always would, they had to accept that their teachings might go beyond such a relationship.  Their aim was not to simply teach him about the mechanics of sex or even how to have a good sexual relationship.  It was grounded in RESPECT all caps.  

As in most societies women were still viewed as second-class citizens at best and property at worst.  Their goal was to teach their sons to respect a woman’s feelings and desires as much as they respected their own.  Thus, they started out with trying to teach them why women were as valuable as men and the basic differences between the sexes.  They started with required reading, discussion and leading by example.  And it was as serious as any topic they ever studied in school.  After they’d built that foundation, they moved on to the mechanics of sex.  Of course, in Tonio’s time, most boys knew about the mechanics, but their learning went far beyond the simple A+B=C.  They were taught about positions, different methods of pleasing a partner, what romance was supposed to look like…and as his father had told him once he had to learn to “piensa como una mujer.” (think like a woman)  There was only one big problem with this method, or at least in regard to Tonio.  He was gay.  Learning to think like a woman might be helpful in other areas of his life, but he needed to learn to think like a gay man as a partner.

Fortunately, his parents had always treated him with the same respect they tried to live and teach, so when it began to dawn on him that he was probably gay, it wasn’t as hard to tell them as it could have been.  They didn’t see it as wrong or sinful at all.  Their main concern was for Tonio’s safety and his future.  He didn’t appear overtly gay, but Tonio was no shrinking violet.  It wasn’t beyond him to be careless and vocal about what he thought.  They knew that they could warn him, but they could not prevent him from being Tonio.  If Tonio was nothing else, he was authentic.

So instead they focused on how to teach their son to respect and please a partner.  Same-sex marriage was still years in the future.  Homosexuality was never declared illegal per se; it fell under indecent and immoral acts.  And though it was rare that anyone was actually prosecuted for such, a lot depended on what kind of relationship you had with the legal authorities.  Therefore, some of their methods for teaching Tonio about sex would be considered just this side of illegal.

Technically, even if Tonio was heterosexual, their methods would be considered illegal, which seemed an irony, but the world was full of irony.  His parents had given a collective sigh and sat down to discuss what would be a tricky situation either way.  Their methods were derived from their faith.  Their faith was based on respect for all humans.  They had learned what they were teaching Tonio from their parents’ own teachings. No, the Church would definitely not approve of their methods, but this was one area where they respectfully parted ways with the Church.  

If Tonio had been straight, they would have employed a male and female prostitute who were willing to “show” Tonio all that he needed to know regarding sexuality.  Some used pornography, but his parents had issues with it on several levels.  First, they found it to be the antithesis of what they were trying to teach.  Pornography was about sex, period.  There was rarely any sign of respect between partners in porn.  And technically, it was just as borderline “illegal” as employing prostitutes to inform your underage 16-year-old on the intricacies of sex.  The irony being, prostitution was not illegal in Mexico!

Their dilemma lay in that if they followed their teaching method, they would have to employ male prostitutes.  They’d forced themselves to watch some gay porn just to see if it might be an option, but again, there appeared to be no respect or love involved.  At least with prostitutes they had some control.  If they were their employees, their input would matter.  Although neither of his parents had problems with homosexuality, they’d never actually watched gay sex, except in their experiment with porn.  Although their extensive discussions had caused some friction between them, they’d reminded each other that this was not about their comfort level.  Their son’s future relational happiness was on the line.  At least one of them would have to watch their “employees” a couple of times to judge if they met with their rather unconventional methods and goals.  
Javi remembered how Tonio had started laughing at this point, simply because of the expression on Javi’s face.  “So…..your parents actually watched two guys having sex????”  And then Tonio really started laughing, “Oh, no!  Just mi mama; they both decided she’d be more comfortable with it.”  Javi was having a very hard time wrapping his head around this more than unorthodox type of sex education.  “And…I’m assuming she…..approved????”  “Si, mi Javi, she did!”  “And…so that’s how you learned about sex.  Tonio….come on, you expect me to really believe that?”  “Yes, I do!  And don’t forget.  It wasn’t just about sex, it was about love and respect.  They used books, they used frank discussions, they answered what they could and searched for an answer if they couldn’t…and this was before the Internet.  And they learned from their parents.  I’m not lying.  Do you really think our relationship would have progressed as it has if I hadn’t learned about love and respect alongside sex?  Come on, we’re guys!  We’re guys in a country that has little respect for women and none for us whatsoever.  So, yes, every word is true.”

“But, what about girls?  What would your parents have done if you were a girl?”  Tonio didn’t have an answer…or at least a satisfying one.  “I asked them the same thing.  They said that since I wasn’t a girl and was unlikely to have children, that he didn’t need to know.  I got pretty upset,”  Javi hid a smile; yes, he could only imagine Tonio’s response.  “I asked something like if I was straight and wanted to get married, how would I explain all this knowledge to my wife?  Or if I had children and one of them was a girl, what would my responsibilities be?  And what really made me mad was that here they were preaching about love and respect and didn’t respect me enough to give me an honest answer!”  “So….what happened, mi amor?”  “I finally just had to accept that that was their final word on the matter.  I suppose I could have attempted to find out in other ways, but it would only have strained our relationship…and they were right in a way.  I’d probably never have to use the information anyway.”

The whole concept was so foreign to Javi.  His sex education consisted of learning from his brothers or friends, smuggled porn and not altogether reliable sources.  He remembered the few days he’d had to live on the streets of CDMX; his mind and body always on high alert.  The unnerving tales he’d heard from others about what could happen to a person living rough had scared him to death.  Attacks for any reason were common.  But if someone suspected you might be gay?  He’d tried not to let his mind go there, constantly on the lookout.  And Tonio had a point.  He couldn’t imagine any other guy, gay or otherwise, who would have been so careful and cautious about how a relationship developed.  And now here he and Kurt were benefiting from how Tonio had been raised.

He arose from the bed, straightening the comforter.  Wandering these calming rooms had opened up his mind to more whimsical ideas, hoping he could turn make-believe into a reality that Kurt would appreciate in the present while treasuring it in the past.  Something they’d mark in their notebooks as a page they’d revisit time after time.  Their notebooks filled with thoughts of their lovemaking had drawn them even closer, if that was possible. Sex was not the be-all/end-all of their relationship, but they both knew from experience that attention had to be paid to all areas of a relationship and for whatever reason, a long-term sexual relationship was one of the most difficult components to maintain.  He loved Kurt so much and he wanted their first time to be as memorable as all their other firsts.  The almost year they’d spent together had been something Javi could never have imagined happening to him.  

As Kurt opened the front door, he looked around in surprise.  Every room was set in the soft glow of unscented flameless candles, a combination of white and deep blue.  There was a heart-shaped note resting on the kitchen table, “Meet me at door #3; the door is unlocked, proceed with anticipation.”  Kurt set the cute note back on the edge of the table, dropped his brown satchel in the media room, then walked down the candle lit hallway to the third bedroom door.  Here he discovered another note taped to the door, “Our weekend in Wonderland starts…..now.”  
Kurt smiled.  Of course he’d been aware that this was THE weekend.  He didn’t need Javi’s instruction regarding his anticipation.  His anticipation level was off the charts….and he was aware of a tinge of nervousness.  It wasn’t as if either of them hadn’t done this before, that wasn’t it.  But the time they’d spent in intricate planning, together and alone, yet leaving room for lots of improvisation, was sort of like soaking in water infused with the lightly-scented perfume of intoxication.  Sometimes shoving the fantasies and ideas into their own compartments at the end of the day just wasn’t possible creating an overflow into his dreams and his everyday life.
He almost knocked on the door, but then remembered that this room would soon no longer be out of bounds to him, and besides, the door had always been locked leaving no reason to knock.  He tested the doorknob, barely sticking his head beyond the door jamb and half-whispered, “Javi?”  “Si, mi amor, over here.”  Kurt opened the door wider, finally spotting Javi sitting at a round table in a cozy corner.  Just like his entry into their home, he was accompanied by soft candlelight combining with the rhythm of soothing, sensual music.  “Welcome home, love,” Javi said as Kurt sat opposite him.  Glancing around the dimly lit room, attempting to absorb all that lay in his line of sight, he returned his gaze to the light flickering in Javi’s brown eyes, a slight smile on his lips.

“This is what you’ve been hiding behind a locked door?”  Kurt sort of chuckled.  “But why?”  Javi simply said, “Because I love you.”  Kurt tilted his head, “Mi sexy, sensitive Javito….that may make sense to you but…”  Kurt waved one hand around encompassing the beauty of the room, “How does not showing me this say that you love me?”  “When I created these rooms, I did it with the hope that someday I’d be able to share it with someone, someone who wanted to share it for more than just a night or two.  I created it with you in mind, though I didn’t know it then.  And…well, now you’re here and you’ve convinced me you’re not going anywhere.  I’m convinced that we are a “we” forever….so I’m ready to share this room and all that we’re planning.”  Kurt reached across the table, cupping Javi’s face in his hand and for a few seconds their eyes spoke silently to each other.

“And what exactly are you planning….for now, tonight, I mean.”  Kurt smiled.  “Well, first let me give you a little tour of the rooms.”  “Ah, Mr. Ramos Ruiz is a little house-proud?”  Kurt questioned.  “Look, Kurtito, I’ve been hiding this room for close to ten years; in fact, I’ve redecorated it twice!  If you really loved me you would have shown up a long time ago…now, do you want to see it or not?”  Kurt gave him a look that basically said, “Are you kidding?  Me not want to see how something is decorated?”  

Javi took Kurt’s hand, loving his reactions to the skylight above the bed and, of course, the bed itself.  Javi turned on a lamp or two so Kurt could see some of the details about the room.  The smoky recessed mirrors, the erotic pictures, the small living room and kitchen areas, and the large bathroom with the heated bathtub and two massage tables.  Kurt just kept turning around or looking up, finding something new he hadn’t seen before.  A person could live in these rooms without the house!  Javi had already prepared a light meal so when he asked Kurt if he was hungry, Kurt cheekily replied, “For what?”  Javi laughed, “In a hurry are we?….I mean I have no desire to not accommodate any or all of your appetites….”  “I was just kidding, we have all the time in the world….so what’s on the menu?”  As Javi passed the plates from the kitchen to the table, Kurt arranged them.  Even though it was a light meal, there was plenty to go around.  A huge crab salad, a sliced baguette, and some cucumbers and chopped tomatoes completed the menu.  “What no dessert?”  Kurt quipped.  “Maybe later, depending on what you’re hungry for,” Javi managed to say with a straight face.  

When the kitchen was back in order, Javi reached for Kurt’s hand and led him to the sand-colored couch and they sat, listening to the soft music in silence.  Kurt laced his fingers through Javi’s, laying his head on his shoulder and sighing contentedly, enjoying the scent of Sauvage and listening to him breathe.  “Mi, Javito, have you ever wished you weren’t gay?”  Surprised, Javi asked, “Where did that come from?  Are you planning to try switching sides, leaving me here all alone?”  Kurt said, “Of course not!  And we both know that isn’t even possible.  I can’t just suddenly decide I’m not gay.  But really, have you ever wished that?”  Javi squeezed his hand, “Of course I have.  Sometimes it felt like I spent years trying to wish my identity away.  And some days I wish that every time I went onstage or did an interview, the first thought a person might have of me would not be, “Is he gay?”  I can’t hide it as well as Tonio could…and I never really wanted to hide it, I just wished it would go away like a chronic disease or something.  It was only when I met Tonio and could share the fear and loneliness that I began to accept myself.  I guess he sort of validated it.” 

Kurt was quiet again and then said, “I don’t ever remembering wishing I wasn’t gay.  What I wished for most is that all that wasted fear and anger that people directed at me wasn’t real, that that would go away.  I didn’t hate myself or anything, but I was forced to build a wall around myself, always wondering who would be accepting and who wouldn’t.  Actually, there was one time when I wished I wasn’t and that’s when I finally told my dad.  I would have done anything not to have hurt him and watch him struggle with how to help me deal with it.  But, after I told him, I guess, like Tonio for you, dad validated it.”  “So why are you asking now?” Javi asked again.  “I don’t really know why now…maybe it’s because what we’ve planned for this weekend, at least for us, is similar to what a straight couple, if they waited until they were married, would be doing.  Their first time.”  Ah! So he wasn’t alone in his romanticism, Javi thought.  “It’s hard to put into words, mi carino.  Even though neither of us are virgins….well, we’ve waited for this because of its importance to us.  I….in a way I feel like….like it’s all new to me, because it’s with you.  I love you….I love us so much….” Javi let go of Kurt’s hand and took his face in both hands, his kiss as soft as butterfly wings until he sensed Kurt’s desire rising.  Kurt took Javi’s hands and wrapped his arms around his neck as Kurt did the same, taking the kiss deeper and deeper, his tongue seeking Javi’s, his heart beating hard and fast.  With every ounce of restraint Javi had, he gently pushed Kurt away, their eyes saying, Now.  Javi took Kurt’s fingers into his own, “Mi amor, all of me says, Yes….but it will be Yes soon enough.  Come with me.”  He leaned over and kissed Kurt on the cheek, it’s time to enter Wonderland.”