CHAPTER 7 – HELP WANTED

Okay, Javi thought as he walked through the office building door, time to put on your glittery big boy pants and deal with this. Perusing the list of doctors and their suite numbers, he found Dr. Piper’s office was on the third floor as expected. Stepping into the open elevator, he pressed the button that would take him up, hoping it was some sort of analogy, as in he had nowhere to go but up with regard to his current situation.

Though it had waxed and waned over the years, his solitary response to the anger that had brought him here hadn’t solved the problem. He’d been to countless multi-credentialed counselors over the years, but he’d already been told what he really needed was a psychologist, and even better, one who specialized in anger issues. He was no longer looking for someone to teach him how to manage his anger. He’d been managing it ever since Tonio died, but obviously not very well.

He hadn’t told Kurt he was seeking a psychologist’s assistance. He couldn’t! He wasn’t ready yet! He knew deep down inside that that was only a justification. He also hadn’t told him that he was fearful that his anger might be a catalyst for the dreams. How could he when he was already keeping him in the dark about the problem to begin with? In his mind, Kurt was dealing with enough as the dream continued to manifest itself; why add to his anxiety? Eventually he would tell him, of course, he would. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

“Welcome, Mr. Ramos,” Dr. Piper smiled, shaking Javi’s outstretched hand. “Hola, Dr. Piper,” Javi greeted him warmly, saying, “Please, call me Javi.” Dr. Piper nodded, asking Javi to take a seat. This office wasn’t anything like he’d expected. There was no desk separating doctor from patient. There was what appeared to be a comfortable couch and two equally appealing chairs. He quietly took a seat in one of the chairs, not sure if he was at ease yet with the more casual and intimate setting of sitting face to face on the couch.

Dr. Piper was well-known to the LGBTQ community. He was gay and made no secret of the fact. And although he knew who Javi was, he’d decided to let Javi address that. It might be part of his problem with anger, so remaining neutral, at this stage anyway, was what he considered a good idea.

After discussing the reasons why Javi had sought him out, taking his mental health history, and simply getting to know each other, Dr. Piper determined that twice a week appointments, at least for now, would be a good place to start, “Unless you want less or more,” he said, glancing at Javi while writing something on his chart. “No, I think that’s perfect. The sooner I can get rid of this, the better.” Dr. Piper hesitated before he spoke, “But remember you may never be completely rid of it. Of course, that’s our goal, but you may only be able to learn how to deal with the triggers more constructively and cope with it better than you have been. I can reinforce some of the techniques you already know and definitely introduce you to some others, but as you know already, the heavy work will be yours.” Javi nodded in agreement. “But this time I’m not stopping until I feel completely at peace with it,” he replied firmly, reminding himself of his mostly halfway efforts over the years.

In the past, his constant traveling schedule simply hadn’t been conducive to consistent therapy. But now? The play was staying in Los Angeles for the time being, and although that had been a disappointment to Kurt, he’d taken it well. In truth, if this issue hadn’t presented itself, Javi probably would have left the play, returned to San Diego and started building on his musical career again. But this dream thing wasn’t going to go away and if his anger was even a contributor as opposed to a catalyst, he wanted it resolved. He knew that it was interfering with both Kurt and Blaine’s daily lives, no matter that the picture frame and the photo it contained was no longer physically in a place that might cause the four of them even more trouble.

Leaving Dr. Piper’s office, he felt more at ease with himself. In fact he was actually looking forward to the future appointment he’d scheduled. At least he was on the road….to what he wasn’t sure, but he was determined to reach the end of this journey, claiming the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Blaine placed the hefty book about dream interpretation on the coffee table and turned his phone off. There was no place to find a specific answer to, what does it mean when you’re dreaming about your ex-boyfriend’s new partner’s deceased lover? No wonder he couldn’t find anything! He could barely say it in one mouthful. And he wasn’t sure how to break it down into something more manageable that might help. So instead of focusing on himself and his dream, he tried finding some answers by addressing Kurt’s corresponding dream.

They both took place in the same or similar bedrooms with the same decor. The photo of the Glee Club seemed to be the focus along with Tonio yelling, “Everything’s changed!” And that could have a double meaning because that was the name of the song that started Javi, Tonio and Rigo and their group, Mateo, on the path to stardom. Closing his eyes, he mentally walked around the room, listening, finding nothing new or of interest. Yet, as he took step by cautious step, he felt the cloak of apprehension settle on his shoulders…like the room was…..breathing? And the only sound seemed to be Tonio’s voice roaring, Everything’s changed! Clearing his mind, he tried again, this time focusing on what he saw. There had to be something….a clue. He sighed, Okay, let’s try this again, his brain repeated, forcing himself to ignore the sense of foreboding.

Kurt was sitting poolside, but not in San Diego. He was still trying to get used to the fact that they’d be staying in LA. So, trying to make the best of it, he’d decided to take advantage of the amenities that the condo community offered, attempting to make it feel more like home or at least more inviting. He’d opened his laptop and a notebook beside it, but concentration was nearly impossible. He should be fine-tuning his lesson plans for this week’s classes, but after talking to Blaine at lunch, he couldn’t get his mind off of that damn dream! Great! Another “person” added to the mix! And an unknown one at that!

He knew applying logic to a dream wasn’t logical at all, an oxymoron if there ever was one. Dreams were rarely straightforward even if they seemed to have some sort of message, but the only words spoken in their dreams were “Everything’s changed!” Well, obviously it had! Blaine was no longer with Kurt. Kurt was with Javi. Antonio was dead. Mateo existed in another form. And on and on. But there was nothing to interpret there as far as he could tell. And what did a photo in a shattered picture frame mean? Yes, the Glee Club had definitely changed. The members were scattered hither and yon. What he really wanted to do was look at the broken mess more closely, but that would require him going to their storage locker. They’d been in such a hurry to rid themselves of it that day and they certainly hadn’t wanted to take the time to examine it very closely.

But….Javi would never go for that, he was certain…yet the more he thought about it, the better the idea seemed. If he could just assess it without distractions he might discover a clue. No, he didn’t relish the thought of how he might respond to it, but the sooner this was over the better!

He couldn’t verify it, but he sensed that in some way the dream was one of the reasons Javi had decided to stay with the play a while longer. Ever since they’d returned from Mexico, he’d sensed an undercurrent, a restlessness in Javi that he couldn’t recall having been there before. Though the two of them were knit together like a well-made sweater, he wasn’t naive enough to believe that Javi told him everything all the time.

Check that! He did tell him everything eventually, but sometimes a person had to work out a problem by themselves first in order to present it as a complete thought to another. He was the same way about the dream. He knew it disturbed Javi because he could do nothing to rid Kurt of its repercussions, so sometimes Kurt would mull it over by himself and tell Javi about it later.

No, Javi would not be at all happy about Kurt’s idea of going to the storage locker and examining what was in that carefully sealed box of doom by himself. But by himself, at least in Kurt’s mind, was the only way to do it. Javi’s presence would most definitely be distracting and he knew it. Refocusing on his laptop, he decided to put the idea away, finish his lesson plans, and then revisit it. But he could feel his resolve solidifying even as he sat there consciously filing it back into his compartmentalized brain.

Jeff stretched slowly and yawned, responding to the tinkling sound of music coming from his phone. He had to work 3 to 11 today so he’d remained at home to sleep while Blaine went to lunch with Kurt. He’d wanted to go with him, but Blaine had insisted he didn’t have to. True, Jeff definitely needed the sleep, and Blaine felt it would be better to meet with Kurt alone. Jeff had some reservations about them meeting without Jeff or Javi. Not that it hadn’t happened before, but sometimes he still felt uneasy about Kurt. Yet, he knew if he made an issue of it, it might just create a problem between him and Blaine that didn’t need to exist. If the two of them were going to be friends as Blaine hoped, it was something Jeff would have to get comfortable with…or at least come to accept.

And truthfully, this dream was disrupting all of their lives, but Kurt and Blaine were the ones whose sleep was being disturbed by it. So, Jeff had relented. As he kicked off the covers, heading for the shower, he decided he’d text Blaine later.

Blaine sat on the edge of the stage, waiting for the rest of the cast to arrive. After his lunch with Kurt, he decided it was a good idea to burn off some nervous energy and the best way to do that, at least for him, was by dancing. He needed the sameness of repeating the memorized movements along with the workout that his routines provided.

Done, he mopped his brow with his T-shirt, staring out at all of the red velvet seats, soon to be filled with an audience. Kurt had not seemed all that surprised that the dream was evolving, now including a fifth presence, but who? He’d almost seemed resigned….or maybe he was just tired of dealing with it. He could certainly understand that!

Blaine ran his fingers through his damp curls, wishing that the details would just fall into place revealing the full picture, one they could hang on a wall as a reminder that they’d conquered the obstacle the dream represented. He’d wished it away so many times, but the wish had only seemed to make it harder to stop thinking about it. And recently a niggling idea had been trying to force its way into his consciousness as Blaine tried in vain to ignore it.

Just the thought of seeing that…thing…again gave him chills. It made him sad to think that something that had once brought joy to his life was now an object he never wanted to see again. Of all of them, he had had the strongest reaction to the photo and the demolished frame. And besides, if he did what he was thinking of doing, Jeff would most certainly not be onboard. But if handling it did anything to solve the problem, Jeff would change his tune….wouldn’t he? However, there was a huge obstacle between his thoughts and the corresponding action. He didn’t have a key. Only Kurt and Javi had keys. In the back of his mind, he was actually glad for this obstacle, but the idea just wouldn’t go away. Leave me alone! he reprimanded his mind, and then got up from the stage, heading back to the dressing room area to grab a quick shower and start preparing for tonight’s performance.

“Another person?” Kurt asked looking startled and then deflated. “Do you have any idea who?” Blaine hedged, “Well, it’s not a person yet…” How stupid did that sound, like his mind was giving birth or something. “I mean it’s more of a…..presence.” Kurt stared at Blaine and Blaine stared at Kurt, “a presence….” Kurt murmured and then revealed the tale of what had happened to him in that Mexican studio. “Tonio?” Blaine asked for once remembering his name without prompting. “I’m assuming,” Kurt replied. They both studied their chef salads shifting the vegetables around, not really hungry.

“Kurt, I’m going to say something and you can laugh if you want, but I’m thinking we should consult a dream psychologist,” he said, determined not to look away. He was serious and he wanted Kurt to know it. “A what?” Kurt asked with a skeptical look on his face. “I’ve been doing some research and there are psychologists who specialize in dream therapy.” “What? You mean like I go in and say something like, I’m dreaming about my partner’s deceased boyfriend…and oh by the way, he’s not just a part of my dream, but I think his ghost is involved, too? And then they can say…”

“Stop it, Kurt, I’m serious. No, it’s not like when you open a book and it gives you a list of what things in a dream might represent, like if you dream of yellow paint.” He’d found this interpretation in the book he’d been reading. It represents optimism or happiness like nothing in your life could stress you out.” “Yellow paint? Apparently, I was wrong about my color choice….celery!” Kurt sort of joked. Blaine ignored the comment, forging ahead. “Dream psychologists are treating you…..like an individual. Like….say the picture frame could mean one thing to me and another to you.” Kurt was still giving him that skeptical look, but it at least appeared that he was really listening.

“Okay, so say we try this. When are we going to find the time? I’m gone at least two days a week. You’re onstage or in rehearsal or preparing to perform almost every day! And would we do this together? separately? with Jeff and Javi? I can’t believe we’re….” Kurt let the sentence die on his lips. The sentence, I can’t believe we’re saying this, had become a broken record.

“I don’t know and don’t think I haven’t thought of those things, but can we afford not to at least try it? And I don’t mean money-wise. Maybe we’re just extra sensitive to whatever….the other stuff is all about,” referring to the ghost-like manifestations. “But the dreams? That’s where I think we need to start. It was the dreams that started all of this so maybe it’s best to start at what might be the root of the problem. Maybe, just maybe, if we can figure that part out all of this otherworldly nonsense will take care of itself.”

Wouldn’t that be wonderful? That was starting to overshadow the dreams. Until all of this “nonsense” as Blaine called it occurred, the dreams were just an annoyance. He didn’t really fear the dreams. At least, dreams were part of this world. Things falling of their own accord, windows opening when you were sure you’d closed them, the extremes of heat and cold, that feeling of being engulfed in another place or time? That was not of this world; but yes, it was all too real. And it invoked fear much more than the dreams ever did. No, nonsense wasn’t a word he’d use to describe it, but Kurt let the moment pass.

“Okay, I can’t disagree,” Kurt finally conceded. “I don’t know how we should go about this, but I’ll talk it over with Javi and you talk it over with Jeff. At least that part I think we can agree on. And honestly? Whatever they say, I think you and I should go visit this psychologist together…at least for the first visit. Then, we can let him or her tell us what they think about future visits.”

Kurt sort of smiled, “Do you remember the first time we went to a counsellor together?” Blaine could laugh about it now, but it hadn’t been the least bit funny at the time. “Yeah! All that mess with my parent’s divorce and dealing with my first competition and who knows what else was in that mix? I was so embarrassed and afraid you wouldn’t want me….us….” he stopped. He couldn’t go on. It suddenly felt very weird and uncomfortable talking to Kurt about something so personal that had once been between them. “It’s okay, Blaine. Sure, that was part of a different place and time but we really did have a good thing going for quite a while.” Kurt was surprised at his own words. Only a little over a year ago, he wouldn’t have been able to see it that way.

“Yeah, we did, didn’t we?” Blaine smiled, sounding almost wistful, “Well, I better get going, as Finn always said, “The show must go all over the place or something.” They both chuckled. “Well, if our life was a play it could certainly be described as going all over the place.” Kurt replied. “And it’s certain that everything’s changed, too.” Blaine replied referring not only to the first hit by Mateo but to the words that Tonio seemed to insist upon yelling during Kurt’s version of the dream.

But before they parted ways, Blaine mused, “Do you remember what Finn wrote on that pic of the Glee Club?” “Sure, of course, I remember, Kurt replied, “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” he quoted. I remember laughing and wondering when Finn had started reading books by Alan Watts. The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety. Picturing him reading anything other than the back of a cereal box? Uh-uh. But when I asked him about it, he said that he’d found the quote on Google when he was writing a paper for Literature class.”

Blaine nodded with a half smile, “And he told me that it reminded him of me. He said something like, you’ve already joined the dance and now you’re about to plunge into a life filled with change, so just go with the flow. Now, that last part sounded more like Finn.” Blaine sighed, looking down at his hands, “And what an irony. Only a few months later, he was gone. He died trying to change the world for the better…..”

“Yeah,” was all that Kurt could manage, “To change one’s life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions.” That’s what he wrote on mine, telling me that if any word described me it was flamboyant….and then in his own words, I’m assuming, he wrote, “No matter what happens between you and Blaine, don’t forget, you were friends first.” He was silent for a minute and then said, “I didn’t really get what he meant at the time….” Blaine interrupted, “And I guess now we do sort of…but Kurt? Finn isn’t living our lives, we are. Maybe it was good advice, but….. I can’t believe I’m saying this, we can’t live our lives according to Finn’s words or anyone else’s. If he’d known his own future? I’m sure he would have changed anything to avoid his fate.”

“Mmmmm….” Kurt murmured and then came back from his reverie, “Yeah, well, we both need to get going. I’ll talk to Javi about the dream psychologist thing and let you know what he says.” “Yeah, me too,” Blaine said distractedly also trying to come back to the present that did not include Finn….only the pearls of wisdom he’d dropped into their minds.

“So, how was lunch with Blaine?” Javi asked as he sat down at the kitchen table, certainly more than ready to dig into the meal Kurt had prepared for his after-performance appetite. Of course, he’d seen Blaine at the playhouse but had been far too busy to have any real conversation and besides he wouldn’t have asked him anyway. He wanted Kurt’s take, not Blaine’s.

“Okay, I guess,” Kurt took a bite of the chili, blowing on the spoon to cool it off. Trying again, he said, “Apparently, there’s a new presence? person? in his dream. He really couldn’t elaborate because he wasn’t even sure who it might be. And then he brought up the idea of seeing a dream psychologist and….”

“A what?” Javi looked up from his bowl, “What’s that?” Kurt sort of laughed, “That was my first reaction, too. But it’s someone who….well, I guess the word might be someone who helps you navigate your dreams and helps you see how your dreams may be affecting your life and why. The way Blaine explained it, the psychologist doesn’t have an ABC of what dreams mean or what the stuff in them means. It’s an individual thing….like oh I don’t know. Well, let’s take the obvious example that Blaine used. The broken picture frame could mean one thing to me and another to Blaine. Anyway, I told him I’d talk it over with you.”

“Hmmmm…..well, it sounds interesting and better than doing what we’re doing now, which is pretty much nothing. I know when I was looking for a psychologist…” The word slipped out before he could even think about it.

“Wait, why are you looking for a psychologist?” Kurt set his spoon down giving Javi his full attention. Javi looked uneasy, “I wasn’t going say anything until I got a better handle on it.” “On what?” Kurt’s eyes showed a mixture of fear and curiosity. After all, if Javi was seeking out a psychologist that meant he was struggling with something himself. Something that it would appear Kurt knew nothing about.

“Kurt….I don’t know how to explain this exactly…..but when we met….this problem….seemed to go away and I’ve been so happy with you, with us, I was hoping that it had finally disappeared forever.” Kurt started to interrupt, but Javi said, “Let me finish…or I may never get it all out.” Now Kurt could see fear in Javi’s eyes and maybe some half-formed tears?

“You know how….overprotective I can be about you sometimes….well, I’m not explaining this very well. After Tonio died and I’d gotten through the initial grief, I started feeling angry…..so angry! at him. For a long time I refused to deal with it, but then I realized I had to deal with it…..because I didn’t want to live like that. So, I started seeing a counselor. But, with all the traveling that comes with my livelihood, consistency was a big problem. And besides sometimes it would go away for a period of time and I’d hope it had just gone away on its own. Even though I couldn’t have consistent counseling, I did learn some techniques to deal with it. But, it’s also one of the reasons I couldn’t maintain a long-term relationship. I put it down to my life not being conducive to a real relationship, but deep down I knew it was the anger driving it. And instead of facing it head on, I just decided to avoid relationships.”

“You and me? Wow! When you came along it was like the world suddenly righted itself! And I still feel that way every single day. I may be angry at Tonio, but I’ve always been thankful that what I learned from him has benefited my life with you in a thousand different ways, mi Kurtito.”

“But when we were in Mexico, returning to all those places from my past…and then your reaction to….whatever…in the studio, it just came crashing down on me again. Yeah, I know all about triggers, but I was so sure I’d somehow conquered that anger…..” he stopped, trying to compose himself.

“We haven’t though, have we? You haven’t…..” how could he be mad at Javi for keeping this to himself when he looked so utterly miserable. In all the research and study he’d done for his book and his classes he’d determined that keeping some things to yourself in a relationship was actually a good thing if you were wise enough to know what not to say and vice versa. In some ways he wished he’d known half of what he knew now about relationships back when he and Blaine were together. Not that anyone would condone Blaine’s actions the first time it happened, but he hadn’t necessarily had to tell Kurt about it. It was obvious after he told him that he regretted his actions horribly…..and they were kids. People make mistakes they regret all the time. And Kurt had to admit he’d had this idealized picture of what a relationship should be. But the second time it happened? He suddenly realized he was getting off track. This wasn’t about him and Blaine. It was about Javi and his feelings and his life, still having some unfinished business with Tonio.

He reached across the table and took Javi’s hand in his own, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “I’d like to say it’s okay, but obviously it’s not…I mean you’re still carrying around anger at Tonio. But, lovebug, I felt the same way when we met…..like you were the answer to everything I went through with Blaine, but in my case you somehow created a space for me to do what I should have done in the first place. Talked to Blaine before I ever left New York and then convincing me to get some professional help. The only difference is that I wore my pain on the outside and you’d already had years of experience internalizing yours. God!, Kurt laughed, “here I go again sounding like a counselor myself! And I keep saying I don’t want to be a psychiatrist, but with all this reading I do? But hey! We live in California where everyone has some sort of counselor on speed dial. If I ever decide I need a break from writing and teaching, I could always make a living at mending minds, certainly enough clientele to go around.” Kurt realized he was babbling and again turned his attention to Javi.

But Javi had been so deep in thought he hadn’t even noticed. He was trying to figure out what to say next. Why did he think that Kurt was going to get mad at him over things like this? He knew him well enough by now to know that first of all, he hated confrontation, and second, no matter how much he hated it he almost always responded reasonably. He could count on one hand the times he’d actually seen Kurt angry and very rarely at him.

And as if he could read Javi’s mind, he said, “Javito, why do you think I’m going to react like Tonio to stuff like this? Yeah, I may get a little miffed at times, but yelling and stomping around……it’s not me, you know that….not my style.” Javi could feel his hand tightening around Kurt’s as he continued to describe Tonio’s way of dealing with problems and he described him so very well….yelling, stomping…..oh no…..no, no, no…..

“Kurtito…..did you hear what you just said? Yelling, stomping and everything else you just said about Tonio? What does that remind you of?” He took a few minutes, giving it some thought. “It reminds me of all the times you’ve described that part of your relationship with him….and most of the time you laugh it off…..almost like you’re relieved it’s over and you’ve put it behind you…..but you haven’t, have you?”

“No, I mean when you picture it in your mind what does it remind you of? Really, close your eyes and try to picture it.” Kurt did as Javi asked and let his mind wander the landscape that usually accompanied this assignment. Tonio and Javi were usually on a stage, both with imaginary swords drawn as Javi described it ready to do battle while the crew cowered in corners enjoying the show. Like the Sun planning to remind the Moon that he could burn him to a cinder if he chose to.

“Well, you’re on a stage,” Kurt began almost like he was reciting from a script. “No, Kurt,” he squeezed his hand again anxious for him to see what Javi was seeing in his head. “What’s another scenario….somewhere else you’ve imagined Tonio stomping and yelling,” he tried not to emphasize the last two words, wanting Kurt to come to the realization on his own.

Blaine opened his eyes, sensing the comforting warmth of Jeff’s body beside him. He couldn’t get the words that Finn had written on the back of Kurt’s photo out of his mind: remember you were friends first. He’d forgotten about that part of the inscription. Or at least he thought he had. He remembered he and Kurt talking about it a lot after Finn had written it and then even more after Finn had died. In fact, they’d wondered how Finn could possibly think anything could happen to them other than a life of what they’d hoped would be wedded bliss. But that hadn’t happened, had it?

Yes, they had been friends first and when they’d broken up the final time and he’d went through all of the counseling, he’d discovered it wasn’t the romantic part of their relationship that was most important to him by then. He missed their friendship….and then when given the opportunity he’d pursued that avenue. And now here they were hopefully on the brink of that being a reality.

Or was that just wishful thinking or yet another dream? Like the recurring ones he and Kurt somehow shared? But according to Kurt, his dream hadn’t changed much if at all. He’d neither seen nor sensed an added presence.

Blaine closed his eyes again, trying to bring that presence to the forefront so he could maybe glean something more about what or who it might be. But all he could remember was that he? she? it? had felt benevolent, even tranquil? He couldn’t see it. It was just….there. Well, this was getting him nowhere, so he rolled over placing his hand on Jeff’s shoulder. He’d talk to him about it when he woke up, the dream psychologist, the new addition to the details, everything……and then he gratefully slipped into slumber once more.