When Bill had called him (he never texted, so unbusinesslike) with the proposition his heart leapt at such an opportunity! Most of the time he’d tell his comfort zone to take a hike and he wanted this project so badly, but he had no theatrical experience whatsoever. The concept….the imagination….the outrageousness…..all of that was right up his alley. And yet he’d been invited specifically. Fantasy and music were like aphrodisiacs! and combining them? Yes, he could definitely do the vocal parts, but what about the dancing? Prancing around in those 8-inch heels? Sure he was used to doing some dancing onstage, but this was a musical, the real thing, with experienced and talented dancers. Yet, he loved a challenge…spreading his wings…putting his career on the line at times just to see if he could sink or swim. In the end Bill had convinced him to give it a try. It wasn’t like it the performance would be anywhere other than San Diego. And maybe Kurt could help him with the prancing in heels part.
Kurt had been all for it. He was in love with all the things that drew Javi to the play, plus he absolutely adored the costumes! And the whole thing was so Javi! The flash, the color, the sensuality, the blatant sexuality. And Kurt had been going to the rehearsals since the beginning. Having done theater himself it was fun to watch it all come together. But as usual, rehearsals had gone on for months. Eventually, Kurt wasn’t going all the time. He was still building his ideas of teaching and writing. As Javi had said, your passion was all-consuming!
But with the premiere fast approaching, Kurt now accompanied Javi to rehearsals more often than not. The excitement was building. Preparing for the full dress rehearsals, in costume and makeup, could be drudgery..but even in dress rehearsal there was something about stepping onto that stage, almost as if the play was already in progress….Kurt felt privileged to be their one person audience until…..the green-eyed monster had opened its eyes. It was a play about reinventing your sins, trying on old ones, then discarding them in exchange for freedom, sometimes volunteering your castoffs to another….was there never enough evil in the world? Javi’s part was symbolic of what the world perceived to be his sin, worn like a scarlet G, simply by virtue of his birth. He’d spent a good portion of his life in hiding, from himself, from his family, from the world, allowing others’ expectations and beliefs to define him. But no more! He’d dramatically pitch their prejudice back in their faces and refuse to live by their misconceptions and fear. Belting out the song, Feeling Good by Michael Buble, he’d prance onto the stage in bondage and reveal who he really was, his homosexuality clearly apparent, ready to reinvent himself as his true self.
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by
You know how I feel… It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good… Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel… It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good… Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done, that’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
For me… Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine
And I know how I feel… It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life… It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new life
For me… And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good
If this idea had been proposed in Mexico, he wasn’t sure he would have done it. Talk about facing his fears! After that, there would be little doubt as to his sexual orientation. And yet, this play, acting or not, was forcing him to face his fear, head-on. Even though he was acting, he’d be walking a fine line. And although he believed it was more like unspoken knowledge by now, he’d never come right out and said “I’m gay!” Not in Mexico anyway.
Sitting in the darkened theater, Kurt studiously observed everything he adored about the stage, about acting. He’d forcefully shove the feeling away only to have it return stronger than ever. It was ridiculous to feel this way; no! it was not ridiculous, not at all. Javi was acting, it was a part in a play! The man on the stage was a symbol. Kurt had intimate knowledge of all that went into acting. In character, Javi was an image of a gay man in chains, giving voice to ripping the shackles away that he’d allowed the world to place on him, singing about a new day and the heady feeling of freedom. Yes, the play was intense, extremely sensual and sexual. Wearing body-hugging black leather pants, his muscular, tawny-colored chest bared, his muscles purposefully defined in makeup created to enhance their outline and of course the symbolic chains firmly strapped to his torso, hot was almost too small of a word to describe Javi. And rising from the ashes of his bondage, surrounded by a demanding crowd of bare-chested gay men, fondling his face, his chest, his arms – pleading with their hands for even a tiny piece of him, writhing on the floor…..Kurt forced his eyes away from the scene, begging his higher power to release him from the grip that jealousy had on him.
Kurt knew what it was like to attempt to release himself from those chains, but he’d done it at a young age. And hard as it had been, probably in a more accepting society than most of Mexico. And not only that, but Javi had been raised in the Christian Church, his parents devout members. Javi had been coming out in degrees at a time for years. He was in his 30s, not his teens. He’d had different demons sitting on his shoulders than Kurt had.
Over-analyzation was Kurt’s forte and his nemesis. He and Javi had a variety of ways to deal with jealousy, but Kurt had yet to mention this to him. He’d had no problem with it until they started rehearsing in full costume. Just a few weeks ago the cast had been practicing in black shirts, shorts and tennis shoes, taking silly selfies. Occasionally, they’d rehearse in heels just to get a feel for dancing and moving about the stage in them. But was that really what he was dealing with? Was he jealous of the men surrounding Javi….they weren’t even touching him anywhere near as intimately as Kurt did, although if any one of them had the chance he doubted they’d pass it up. Was it the way that Javi was seemingly coming out slowly and Kurt never felt like he’d had that luxury? Or was it the dramatic way he was doing it? He could almost metaphorically see the steam rising from the stage. If the seven deadly sins could be brought to life with your five senses? This play was way up there on the temperature gauge. Why not just call a press conference and announce that he was indeed gay like everyone else did? Did Kurt want to be on that stage or any stage for that matter? He loved an audience that was true. But right now it seemed like his entire being was consumed with writing and considering the possibility of teaching. When would he have found time to act even if he’d gotten past the audition? Maybe it was a little of all of the above. He didn’t know and probably wouldn’t know until he talked it over with Javi… and his counselor. He’d continued to see him on a monthly basis. It was like any kind of health maintenance, why let problems develop that could be dealt with early.
If Kurt had learned one thing in the past year it was that the honesty he expected from Javi had to be reciprocated. Of course they’d had lots of spats, but nothing like their first fight. It was impossible for two such creative and passionate people to entwine their lives and not clash on occasion. After that first argument, Javi had felt like he should have been more sensitive to Kurt’s feelings and behavior before that night. Kurt felt he should have just flat-out told Javi that something was bothering him and what it was. In either case, Kurt no longer hid his feelings or disturbing thoughts for very long. It was fruitless and unfair. You couldn’t work something out if the other didn’t know about it. The only exception had been “the dream.” He still discussed it with his counselor. It happened so seldom anymore and it certainly wasn’t at the forefront of his life. Maybe that reasoning wasn’t sound but for now this jealousy thing took precedence. If he didn’t let it out it would only fester.
Only a few more days until the weekend, he’d broach the subject then. After rehearsals Javi was usually drained. He put everything he had into a performance as always, even a rehearsal. There had even been times when he’d been too tired to eat, too exhausted for sex, when all he wanted to do was take a shower and sleep. Was that what Kurt was jealous of? The all-consuming nature of performing? In the beginning, and especially after a performance, his mantra had been horny and hungry. But this was a totally different kind of performing. And Kurt was smart enough to know that that level of intimacy couldn’t be maintained forever anyway. It was just the nature of love, of being in love. He smiled. Their love life wasn’t suffering by any means. Sometimes when Javi would flop onto the bed after a shower, Kurt would offer to give him a massage, which he usually accepted. Sometimes it turned into something more, sometimes the massage was enough intimacy, the warmth of each other lulling them to sleep.
Lying awake, eyes still closed, the peace of home was like silent waves lapping a sandy beach. Kurt was propped up on his favorite pillows, scribbling away in one of his many notebooks. His laptop laid beside him for when his hands started cramping from overuse. It was late…well, late for Javi, almost 10. He yawned and rolled onto his back, “So, Ernest, what’s the topic today?” Kurt glanced over sort of half listening, “Ernest?” “Yeah, like Hemingway, ya know, the great American writer. Kurt smiled and slipped a bookmark into his notebook, “Why do you ask, George?” Javi looked puzzled, “George?” “Yeah, as in Lopez, the great Mexican comedian.” Javi laughed. He rolled back onto his side, perching his head on one elbow, “You’re so gorgeous when you wake up with your hair all messy and that dimple showing, Kurtito. Come here,” he begged as Kurt abandoned his writing, accepting the invitation. Javi rolled over onto his back again and laid Kurt’s messy hair on his shoulder. Would he ever grow tired of waking up next to Kurt? “I love you so much,” he murmured into Kurt’s hair. Kurt replied, “Just remember that when all of those luscious men are rubbing their hands all over you in rehearsals…and if they ask tell them only I get to have the real thing; they can only pretend.” He said it in a way that wasn’t confrontational. He was just having fun…or at least that’s what Javi hoped, but he’d ask anyway. “Bebe, does that bother you? I’m acting! I just pretend they’re all you, except you’ve morphed into some anomaly with lots of hands..and their hands never wander below the waist….at least in the play,” he couldn’t help himself. Kurt turned his head and bit Javi’s tender earlobe, “Stop it!” “Ouch!”
Javi turned toward Kurt with a concerned look on his face, “Kurt, are you jealous? I’m sorry, why didn’t you say something?” Kurt half sighed, half smiled. “I was going to this weekend. I mean it just started recently and I wanted some time to think about it before I said anything.” “So, how recently, mi amor?” Javi laid back down and drew Kurt a little closer. His voice muffled against Javi’s neck, he said, “Just since full costume rehearsals started. And I don’t even know exactly what I’m jealous of. Is it the performance and the guys? Is it something like…how do I explain….well I came out in grade school; you’re still not completely out and this play is almost like….another step in that process you seem to be on…am I jealous because I couldn’t do it that way? And you…are….so….hot up on that stage, I mean seriously hot! Is it that I want to be on the stage instead of in the audience? Do I miss acting? I don’t know what it is. I talked it over with the doc and of course he said something like they were all valid points. So, I’ve been writing about them to see if I can pinpoint it. I don’t know, it could be a little of all of them!”
Javi was glad they’d gotten past the point where they would say things like, “this is ridiculous,” or “this is crazy,” or “this makes no sense,” all the things people said to minimize their feelings. Really, how would he feel if it was Kurt up on that stage instead of him? He didn’t know. He’d think about it and maybe gain a little perspective, but he knew there was really no way to answer that question, so they needed to work on Kurt’s questions. What he’d said was true, he loved Kurt so much! That river ran deeper than he could have ever imagined.”Hmmmm…..in the meantime why don’t you rest your brain for a minute and give me a kiss?” Kurt gathered Javi into his arms, holding him close, inhaling his morning scent. Another thing that he loved about Javi, even though he found it funny sometimes. From the very start he had no problem with morning breath. It didn’t matter if it was just a good morning peck or a good morning kiss that led to let’s get it on! Kurt had no clue what he had in mind, but he deserved more than a peck. Javi took Kurt’s unshaven face into his hands and said, “We have allll day, mi amor, and I’ve missed you.”
Kurt let him initiate the kiss as Javi lowered him to the bed. It was a tender, yet firm kiss, an are you interested sort of kiss. Javi could sense Kurt relaxing beneath him as he reached up and brushed his hair away from his eyes. Kissing his index finger, Kurt ran it along Javi’s jaw, touching his flirtatious lips. He could see the “so much” love Javi professed in his deep brown eyes as he again lowered his lips onto Kurt’s, “Y te quiero mucho, mi Javier Ram….,” another kiss smothering his declaration. The two things that always grabbed Javi’s desires were when Kurt spoke Spanish and when he called him by his given name. Now was the perfect time for lazy weekend lovemaking. Those moments when they simply allowed their hands, their fingers, their lips, to create sensual paths the length and breadth of each other’s bodies.
By now, their intimate knowledge one for the other led them along familiar and favorite paths. But paths, no matter how well known, often bifurcated. Kurt was aware of how sensitive Javi’s neck was to any kind of touch, but he was particularly receptive to the tingle of Kurt’s lips. He knew that touching his underarms and slightly tugging the hair was a turn-on, that sometimes one nipple was responsive to the touch of his fingers and sometimes it was more susceptible to his tongue, his lips….and sometimes it would be the opposite nipple. Sometimes he’d make a new discovery, following another fork in the path. They’d created their own subtle language to inform the other of more or less or not this time. They spoke in moans and sighs, in “yeses” and “nos,” that would blend with their lovemaking.
Javi knew that Kurt loved it when he bit his chin and then nibbled down his body with tiny love bites, that he loved running his fingers through Javi’s mop of curly hair, pulling it slightly. He knew that Kurt’s navel was particularly vulnerable, and when touched, would almost always produce an intolerable desire for more of his tongue or his finger….Kurt would let him know which was better in the moment. He knew that running his hands over his inner thighs and then parting his legs wide would sometimes cause Kurt to beg for Javi’s touch or his tongue. Sometimes he liked it when he barely touched his hard-on with his fingers until he pleaded for more. Sometimes he liked it when Javi would use oil, running a finger lightly up and down from his asshole to the base of his balls, finally giving Kurt what he really wanted: his hand or his mouth on his cock.
Sometimes, they’d hold back, take their time…and others, they’d let their passion run wild, like two hungry animals who couldn’t remember their last meal. And sometimes, they’d say, “no, not now,” or one might be in the mood and the other not? Sometimes, they’d pleasure themselves while the other watched or one would say, “how about this,” and satisfy the other just for the sake of love. And the shared laughter when one of them would say, “go on ahead without me.”
As Kurt lay on top of Javi for a few moments, savoring the satisfaction their lovemaking had produced, listening to their breathing, relishing the taste of Javi in his mouth, he leaned down and whispered in Javi’s ear, “And as I was saying, “yo tambien te amo, Javier Ramos Ruiz de Quintana Roo.” Javi laughed and pushed Kurt to the bed.”
So, what are you writing about at the moment? Are you still using our notebooks for inspiration, mi amor?” “Of course I am! They’re not my only inspiration, ya know. It isn’t just about our miserably boring sex life. And right now, since it’s pertinent, I’m writing about dealing with jealousy. I’ve been going over the Keith/Elliot thing we worked through. By far, one of my favorite fantasies! I don’t know that either of us was jealous, but it would be a good way to work through it I think. And yes I know that being secure in a relationship goes a long way in situations like that….but I can’t change people, I can only try to hand them the tools to deal with it.”
“Hmmmm…..I’m sure this isn’t news to you, but it almost always seems to work for us. Well except for that time I fell off the weight bench and the time you fell off the bed and sprained your wrist….anyway! Maybe we should sort of go over the questions you raised and create a fantasy around it? We could do it together or one of us could do it…we could even create double fantasies, it worked for John Lennon!” He laughed at his own reference to John Lennon’s final album.”
Well, it sounds like a fine idea, Mr. Ruiz, but aren’t you a bit busy right now to take the time to create fantasies?””Are you kidding me? Kurt, I’m living a fantasy! I mean the very thing that’s the catalyst for your jealousy is the fantasy I’m living right now! No matter what the root of it is, I can take all those questions and work them into a fantasy…” “Don’t you think bringing a dozen writhing, bare-chested men into our bedroom is a little overboard? I mean I know that you’re pretty much up, pun intended of course, for anything, but isn’t that sort of outside….” “Not literally! We only need maybe a half dozen….ouch! Okay, what I’m saying is the play can be the basis for the fantasy. I’m having to explain this to you??? The person who put together U Got My Love and Moves Like Jagger? Come on, Kurt. I know I’m good in bed but surely our morning rendezvous didn’t cloud your brain that much.”
Kurt started laughing, “Your humility is so refreshing! Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it. Well, since you’re as you say, living the fantasy and I’ve given you all the questions, maybe you should create it. I mean, I’m happy to help, of course, but I like the idea. Have I told you the doc likes the way we create fantasies to deal with issues? I mean, I don’t go into details, but he says “it’s healthy.” I didn’t tell him that my health wasn’t the first thing that came to mind or that if I took away the l and the h, heat was more along the lines of my thinking,” he chuckled, tossing Javi a sideways glance, as Javi smiled back, pinching the dimples his laughter revealed. The next week was the same grueling schedule of rehearsals, one day in costume, the next not. The play would debut the following week. And even though Javi had no problem getting into character or enjoying what he was doing, the latest fantasy challenge was riding right along with him, making his acting even more enjoyable. He’d taken all of Kurt’s questions and written them down.
Was it the performance itself with all the boys touching him or wanting to touch him all at the same time? Even he had to admit, it was intense. And what he’d told Kurt was true; he used his imagination to bring Kurt’s hands into the performance. Was it the fact that Kurt had been dealing with the difficulties of being openly gay since he himself was basically a boy? Was he jealous of Javi’s opportunity to do it in degrees? His celebrity in his own country sometimes giving him that luxury because he was a Mexican commodity, a cash cow?
Was Kurt missing being onstage? Was he envious of the “heat” on that stage? Did he miss an audience?
Lots of ideas were roaming around in his head, but one was starting to take shape over others, his mind latching onto one thought and tossing another aside. And freeze-frame….then fade to black….
The by now familiar hesitant knock….framing one of Kurt’s photos in his mind, he didn’t dash to answer the door. Actually, it would have been impossible to dash anywhere in these heels. Building anticipation….. making him wait, knowing he was nervously standing outside the hotel room door, his eyes shifting from one end of the hallway to the other, hoping no one familiar would see him. Anticipation….trying to make this time feel more like the adventure it was and less like a test you expected yourself to pass.
And here? Just one of a thousand small cities filled with narrowed-minded, thinking and living inside the box people. This was almost laughable. One of the best days of his entire life was the day he put Lima, Ohio in his rearview mirror, barely 18, traveling a road he hoped would lead him to a place of acceptance, a place that acknowledged his humanity. Nevada was that place, its barren beauty and its subtle sense of wildness seemed to welcome him to a home he never knew he had. And becoming an actor was the only way he’d ever wanted to live his life. He’d been born an actor, just as he’d been born wonderfully, delightfully gay….in what felt like the wrong place, and as far as he was concerned with the wrong name, James Griffin. Growing up in Lima had been pure hell if you were gay. Call this an act of kindness, paying it forward, a donation to a good cause. He was stuck here for at least another week, so he might as well make the best of it. He opened the door and nipped to the side, avoiding visibility from the hallway for Kurt’s sake. Deftly stepping into his role as Xander, he invited the uneasy-appearing boy to enter. In his mind all of his clients were boys; they had a whole lifetime to take on the sometimes burdensome responsibilities of manhood. And?….he liked to think of them as entering his life as a boy and leaving it as a man. Kurt unsuccessfully attempted to conceal his surprise and Xander had become adept at camouflaging his amusement. Kurt had logged in to his website daily. Xander had become his pet character…and secret obsession. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen him in this rather fearsome guise before, but it could be rather shocking at first glance. Sauntering to the small kitchen, he said, “Something to drink, Kurt?” His voice tattling on his nervousness, he discreetly cleared his throat, and stuttered, “A-a…um…a Diet Coke?” After he’d poured the beverages over ice, he welcomed Kurt into the living room area of the suite, carefully taking a seat on the long couch, getting as comfortable as he could in his skintight outfit and 8-inch heels. He was aware that Kurt knew of him through family connections and the countless tendrils of gossip on Lima’s extremely functional grapevine. From there, finding his site was a cinch. First, expressing his condolences, via private message he’d explained that when his dad saw the obituary, Kurt thought Xander might be back in Lima soon. As they’d conversed back and forth online, Kurt really didn’t need to elaborate why he was reaching out to this fellow “Lima loser”, but he let him do it anyway. Kurt needed to get used to the reality of what he was seeking. At first, he’d just wanted what sounded like a sympathetic ear…rushing to make sure Xander knew he’d pay him just for the conversation. And Xander appreciated his sense of responsibility. His services didn’t come cheap onstage or otherwise. But Kurt was a frightened, sometimes insecure, sometimes brave and wise beyond his years 16-year-old. Xander had lived Kurt’s trial by fire himself. Reading his cyber-messages led him down the streets and alleys of his younger years. The alleyways harbored the bullies. It led him through the congested maze of McKinley’s hallways, the whispers, the name-calling, the thinly disguised shoves. Under normal circumstances he tried to appear to be all business, a professional, but his heart…and his memories….would not allow him to treat Kurt as a business transaction.
He specialized in gay teenagers. Sometimes he chuckled when he thought of that. He could visualize the opaque glass of an office door, his name in bold letters first and underneath something like “Specializing in Gay Teens” or maybe “Gay Teens, Specializing in Virginity.” He was 24 and he liked younger men, but they had to be legal younger men! He wasn’t about to lose part of his livelihood by breaking the law. If it were up to him, he’d provide his services for anyone that was 13 or older. In his mind, puberty should come with a detailed instruction book with several chapters devoted to what it meant to be gay. But it wasn’t up to him. Most of the boys, and surprisingly even a few in their 20s, came to him for one reason. Most were virgins. What they knew of gay sex was what they’d read online or in books, what they’d seen in videos and porn. And though their hormones begged them for a first time with anyone, they were either cautious or sensible enough to know that fumbling in the backseat of a car or even doing it with someone they knew who had done “it” before or had never done “it” wasn’t what they wanted for themselves. And he understood, particularly if you actually lived in one of the many Lima-cloned cities across America. Once the word got out and you were labelled gay (whether you were or not), no one cared that it might not be the truth.”
Kurt, I’m so glad you contacted me. Tell me a little bit more about your sexual knowledge. I know this feels awkward. It’s one thing to chat online about sex or making love if you prefer. It’s totally different in person, isn’t it? My guess is that you’re uncertain if this was really such a good idea after all….and that’s normal. Remember this, I don’t expect you to be experienced. I’m the one who should be concerned about experience, my past experience….and that your current experience is what you’re looking for. We only go as far as you want and at your pace.” As Kurt haltingly explained where and how he’d learned about sex along with some of the reasons he’d chosen to seek out Xander’s services, he began to feel more comfortable in his own skin. He’d already said some of this in a roundabout way online, but as Kurt continued, he gently probed without trying to sound intrusive. There was as much psychology to sex as there was physical contact and factual knowledge. And he was happy that Kurt had taken the time to watch the videos on his website, especially the one that had prompted him to request this particular alter ego, Xander.
Despite what people may think of his choice of professions, Xander was not only talented, but highly intelligent and meticulous. His conjoined passions fueled both roles. Most would label him “gigolo,” “male prostitute,” “boy toy,” “hustler,” “gay for pay,” and the list was never-ending. And fair enough, maybe he was all of those things, but he loved the fact that he was acting no matter what! In a play, on screen or in living fantasies he provided for his clientele…but few would understand his second motivation. His teen years had been a living nightmare! Even today, his mind skittered away as if trying to find a rock to hide under. Anything to escape the memories of this….place (he didn’t even like dignifying Lima with its name) …. his first time….how naive he’d been, somehow believing that because someone had actually taken the risk of professing their love for him that it was true….that his first time would be something magical. No! Alongside his other passions, the desire to create something safe and magical for someone else’s first time was at the top of his list.
Xander studied Kurt’s expressions, listened to his soft-spoken words, quietly reaching to dim the lighting even further. He’d chosen sensual instrumentals as musical underpinning. When Kurt seemed to be running out of words, Xander reverted to nodding and murmuring, or turning the conversation to a subject Kurt would be comfortable with. Eventually, enfolding one of his hands in his own, he beckoned Kurt closer, watching for cues. He was here for one reason, to please Kurt, to help him through a rite of passage, and for him failure was not an option.
Giving Kurt a slight, but thoughtful smile, he said, “Kurt, please look at me,” and Kurt slowly raised his eyes, to find contemplative kindness in Xander’s bicolored eyes. “I believe we’ve been over all the logistics in our pms. So, if you have any questions about that, now is the time to ask them. And ask yourself one more time if this is truly what you want. Hopefully, someday you’ll fall in love with someone that deserves all the love you have to offer, but I’m not him. We’ve talked about the concept of transference and that you may experience that after tonight…and that it doesn’t last. I’ll become the memory of your first time…and I want that to be a cherished memory.” Xander went silent as he held Kurt’s gaze. After a minute or so, Kurt nodded. He’d asked himself what seemed like a million times a day if this was what he wanted; it had been settled in his mind weeks ago. “I know this costume can be a little frightening in person, but you requested it for a reason. This night is yours, Kurt. Tell me, are you looking for the character I portray in the play or are you looking for one of the alter egos you found in my other videos? Do you want sweet and soft, hot but with a touch of heart….devilish? Angelic?” Communication was crucial.
“Um….well I like the character in the play a lot…um…,” he giggled, “I’m sort of obsessed… but kind of the devilish Xander? But….nothing painful…and I think hot with a touch of heart sounds…about right.”
“I know you read this online, but here are the ground rules. Stop, yes and no are your safe words..don’t be afraid to use them at any time. Remember this is your first time and your fantasy. I’m here to be who and what you’ve dreamed of…to create what you want.”
For the first time, Kurt really looked into the depths of Xander’s eyes, one a deep brown, the other sky blue – he assumed the blue was a colored contact, but the contrast spoke to him. His toasted skin, his facial features including his high cheekbones revealed his South American heritage. The sexy black leather costume and the colorful face paint spoke to his own actor’s heart. He remembered reading somewhere that blue eyes were symbolic of calm, peace and knowledge, while brown eyes revealed a combination of self-confidence, offering security and stability. And silly as it sounded, he decided to attach those traits to Xander, mentally handing over whatever transpired in this night to him, entrusting him with this pivotal turning point in his life.
He was sort of like the character Kurt longed to play, but didn’t have the courage for….at least not yet. His head tilted downward, those mesmerizing eyes, barely blinking, refusing to allow Kurt to look away. His gaze was steady and his persona hissed “enter at your own risk” while at the same time whispering “lose yourself in my…..web….”Xander released Kurt’s sweaty hand, gently placing his arms around Xander’s neck. Taking in Kurt’s scent, he drew his body close….his lips barely touching Kurt’s sensitive ear he purred, “Such a pretty virgin boy……and mine….all mine…” He slowly drew his sensual, warm lips down Kurt’s jawline, his breathing even but purposefully audible. As his hesitant lips hovered over Kurt’s, barely grazing them, Kurt shivered. “So soft….so fresh and pure….I’m here to rob you of your purity Kurt…if that’s what you want….tell me…..tell me little one…..is that what you want….” he continued to murmur as his lips moved closer to Kurt’s. Kurt was holding his breath and hadn’t even realized it. He’d imagined this moment for weeks, Xander poised to kiss him…..what it would feel like…what it would be like to return the kiss…..but never like this…..nothing like…..he released his breath and barely nodded his ascent to Xander’s salacious invitation. He felt a butterfly touch as Xander closed his eyelids (was he really so lost that he hadn’t noticed they were still open?). Suddenly the dim lighting exploded behind Kurt’s eyes as a whimper escaped his lips. “Shhhhhh,” Xander whispered, “I may devour you…..but it won’t hurt…..let me show you my pretty pretty boy…” Xander’s lips were hungry, yet tender, taking his time, allowing Kurt to find his way in response. The tentative touch of Kurt’s fingers on his painted face, questioning what he was doing but unwilling to stop…..the way he explored where their lips met, told him Kurt was eager for something more…..The soft rumble of Xander’s evil and dirty laugh …….could anything sound hotter? He slowly separated Kurt’s once virginal lips from his own and slowly licked Kurt’s lips with the tip of his tongue, “Mmmmm….your lips are….silent….for now….and your tongue is still tame….but my tongue is feral…..and wild…savage……when I unleash it……oh Kurttttt….when I unleash it….” he could feel Kurt’s hands tense on his cheeks, straining toward him as he tucked his tongue into Kurt’s mouth, touching it lightly and then more forcefully to the tip of Kurt’s. Kurt, unsure of what to do, allowed Xander to explore his mouth….well maybe not allowed….in truth he had no control. He was drowning in a sea of lust….raw desire….indescribable…. and they hadn’t even gotten past the first kiss.
And as he began to respond, Xander sensually wrapped Kurt’s tongue with his pulsing lips, welcoming it into the depths of his own mouth. Almost impatiently Kurt traversed Xander’s mouth, a slight moan escaping his lips. Xander knew that the first time for most went by too quickly. While Kurt was engaged in his maiden voyage, he started to very slowly and deliberately unbutton his shirt. Such an exquisite boy. Of course, Kurt had provided photos but like Kurt’s initial reaction to his costume, Xander was pleasantly surprised that he was even more engaging in person. Those expressive eyes! His elfin face…the tiny cleft in his chin. Tall without an ounce of fat. Kurt would make someone very happy one day. But for now…..he granted Kurt permission to satisfy his unquenchable thirst, replacing his baby bottle knowledge of kissing with a goblet filled with intoxicating wine.
The buttons having given way, revealing the still somewhat boyish expanse of his chest, without breaking the kiss, he swept Kurt into his arms, laying him on the king-size bed. How many times had he practiced this in these heels? He cradled Kurt’s face with his hands, and little by little separated their lips. Kurt let go reluctantly. As his vision cleared, again he was confronted with those bewitching, catlike eyes. He’d long ago forgotten that Xander was an accomplished actor. In that level gaze his own lust, want….even greed were reflected back to him, as seemingly real as his own. Xander’s experience told him that Kurt had been physically ready from the moment he’d hungrily whispered his lewd description of him into his ear…..but he’d sought out and summoned Xander for a reason….it was time to break the momentum….Running a solitary fingertip from his delicate chin to his narrow waist, he halted at the button of his jeans……his fingers playing over the button…. “Would you prefer I dance…..for you……or…..with….you….my innocent…..” Kurt closed his eyes not knowing what he wanted….he wanted it all….but not all at once. He was already so hard it hurt….his body pleading….his prick almost screaming to be released….from his jeans, from its need…. But he’d watched that video so many times…..Xander strutting….prancing….and he’d jacked off to it just as many times. His memory wanted to see him years from now….in this room….doing it all for Kurt….only Kurt. Kurt barely croaked, “For….um…for me please….” Xander’s lips twitched slightly as he released that dirty laugh again. He knew Kurt hadn’t seen a full clip of his performance, so he fully intended to give him the show he knew he was looking for. But he wanted to leave Kurt with an appetizer….a small taste of his not so distant future. Perching on the edge of the bed, he caressed Kurt’s porcelain-skinned face, engaging his fingers in his thick ginger hair. “Such a beautiful boy”….Capturing Kurt’s crystalline eyes again, he slowly feasted his own eyes over Kurt’s vulnerable body, finally returning his gaze to Kurt’s, then sliding his eyes to Kurt’s lips….”I think I mentioned devouring you…and you’ve proven to be quite tasty my little lover…..maybe one more taste….” he hissed as he clamped Kurt’s face in his hands, kissing him hard, forcefully dividing his lips, delving into his wide-open mouth, relishing Kurt’s imploring moans, Kurt clenching his arms tightly around Xander’s neck.
Lifting the remote from the bedside table, Xander switched the background instrumental to the legendary I’m Feeling Good by Michael Buble. Of course, he didn’t have his cast of bare-chested boys with him, but he was pretty sure Kurt wouldn’t have wanted that part anyway….not tonight.
The steady beat filled the room, as he began the leisurely, but purposeful strut to the smooth tone of Michael Buble’s voice, his hips swaying, his eyes riveted to Kurt’s, his head lowered. Swinging the pink leather rope (pink to match his hair), he snapped it a few times, imaginatively suggesting a couple of its uses…..a whip for fun? a restraint? whatever your pleasure sir…..and as he placed every planned, heeled step in front of the other, he artfully slipped a strap from his shoulder. The straps represented chains in the play, the bondage of repression, oppression, discrimination, hatred, self-loathing…the world’s ugly labelling of who he was, James Griffin…Xander…. of what he was….gay, queer, fag. As he removed one strap, he’d replace the other, turning around to a squat and then a rise so Kurt could fully visualize his firm ass. And finally, he removed the straps all together so that they hung at his side revealing his bare chest….throwing the chains to the world who created them….finally loving and accepting himself. As the song ended, he leaned into Kurt’s wide-open eyes, took the strap between his lips, snapping it again, then drawing it down Kurt’s chest, swaggering away.
SAMO’S STRUT
Disappearing into the bathroom, he removed his boots. He had to admit, as much as he loved doing that routine, he didn’t miss the boots when they came off, but to try to keep it as smooth and sexy as possible, he carried them back with him, one in each hand, laces dangling, along with the straps of his imaginary chains.
Kurt watched Xander saunter toward him, his coffee-colored chest now completely naked. He was still somewhat stunned. He had dreamed of this…sometimes day and night…ever since he’d reached out to Xander. None of those dreams he’d sometimes labelled outlandish compared to what was happening here….in Lima….in this hotel room. If this was what his wildest dreams looked like?????
JAVI’S CAT WALK
And now for Xander’s favorite part. He flung the boots aside and smoothly dropped to his hands and knees, seeking Kurt’s reaction, and finding it….in those astonishingly peculiar eyes. Slipping into the glove of his cat in the wild persona, he slowly and steadily slid toward the bed, one stealthy paw at a time. Kurt’s heart was racing! The hungry look on Xander’s face, the sleek sway of his entire body….he just couldn’t tear his eyes away. Climbing the side of the bed, his gaze holding Kurt’s like glue, he pushed Kurt onto his back, straddling his body. He fondled Kurt’s lovely face, murmuring, “Say my name Kurt….call me by my name….” Kurt swallowed hard and barely whispered, “Xander….” His desire was like an electrical charge traversing his body and they could both hear it in his voice. “Kurt….” he murmured again, running his fingers along Kurt’s long neck, leaning in to softly kiss it as his hands wandered to his bare shoulders pushing the shirt away, his hands, his lips trying to stay in rhythm. Shifting his body lower, at last he began circling Kurt’s erect nipples with his lips, his tongue, his fingers….his teeth nibbling….ohmigod…..it felt nothing like his many fantasies…each tiny bite was an exquisite mixture of pleasure and pain…..and Kurt involuntarily arched his back. His own hands were quite familiar with his body, but ohhhh the difference when the fingers belonged to someone else…and Xander’s moist lips, his knowledgeable tongue…..he could barely stay still. Xander’s mind quickly reviewed the direct messaging they’d done about yet another necessary and practical bit of logistics. They were practical questions that no one wanted to ask in the moment. Xander had explained to Kurt how quickly he would come the first time. It was just a fact. And he also had to explain that a condom was necessary to protect both of them. If he could avoid it he never left the logistics up in the air. He gently moved a hand to the zipper of Kurt’s jeans, first laying his hand over the outline of his erection. Kurt had requested a touch of heart….and it was little things like this that told him he was not just a client, but a human being that Xander cared about. The zipper undone, he helped Kurt slide out of his jeans and underwear…. and then did something Kurt really wasn’t expecting. He stood at the side of the bed and slid his black leather pants to the floor revealing a jet-black mesh thong underneath. He turned in a slow circle, finally laying down beside Kurt’s completely exposed and thoroughly gorgeous body. This was purposeful on Xander’s part. Chances were Kurt had never seen another man, not only with a hard-on, but also wearing a thong in reality. And even in the midst of fulfilling a fantasy, drawing his client into his own passion, his desire to give them something extra….something they may never have expected….a gift that was Xander’s signature….that was the stuff of Xander’s fantasies. Adeptly removing the condom from its package, he moved to the end of the bed and slipped it onto Kurt’s achingly hard cock, knowing this was also a new experience for him. He took one of Kurt’s hands and slipped it into the thong. He could sense Kurt’s uncertainty….and then his hand gradually relaxed around his hard-on…he could have said “no” or “stop,” but….he hadn’t. Another something they’d discussed was whether Kurt wanted him to use his hands or his mouth the first time. Xander had quietly reiterated that it was his experience. The whole night was his and his youth worked in his favor in that he could come at least twice and maybe more in the hours they would spend together. Kurt had decided he wanted the first time to be with Xander’s hands. Yes, he knew what his hand felt like, but no one else’s….and he couldn’t imagine anything better than feeling Xander’s hand around his cock, his fingers exploring….And of course he wanted the other, his mouth…..god how he wanted that….but there would be time. He was curious about anal sex but not curious enough….not yet. Xander leaned in towards Kurt again saying….”do you like touching me Kurt…..” he just could not look away from those eyes…”Yes…..” “Say my name Kurt…..” he said as he reached for Kurt’s swollen cock….”Xander,” Kurt murmured under his breath…”.My unbelievably hot….sexy….decadent virgin boy…..” his warm breath against the sensitive skin of Kurt’s neck, “Touching you……..knowing I can make you come….that you wanted me to be the first…….I want to feel you come Kurt…wet and warm…….such a rush to have that kind of power……I want to watch……your hand on my cock…..so tantalizing……” he whispered as he slowly moved his hand up and down over Kurt’s readiness…..his eyes closing…the sensation of Xander’s hand so new…not alone…..letting go……..it felt like an earthquake. The silence of the room was palpable, but comfortable..mellow….Kurt kept his eyes closed, savoring these moments. As discreetly as possible, Xander reached for some tissues. He’d learned long ago that making this transition from who Kurt had been in his mind and who he was now was maybe the most important part. Silently, he allowed Kurt whatever he was feeling right now, time unhurriedly slipping by. His mind at last aware of his surroundings, Kurt opened his eyes and furtively glanced over at the man who would forever be in his memory. He felt gratitude….peace….acceptance…Kurt lessened the grip of his hand, just then realizing how tightly he’d been holding Xander’s member. He started to say something, to apologize, but Xander placed a finger to his lips. Stroking Kurt’s beautiful face, he quietly asked, “Kurt, would you like to get me off?” Kurt hadn’t expected…he felt shy about it though. “Um….yea…but I’ve…” “I’ll help you.” He stood up again and slid out of the thong, giving Kurt plenty of time to observe, and then reaching for another condom. He laid back down, slipped the condom over his distended prick and took Kurt’s hand in his. Placing Kurt’s hand underneath his own, Xander glimpsed Kurt’s expression out of the corner of his eye and gave him a half-smile. “Just allow your hand to relax a bit under mine and don’t concern yourself with what we’re doing. Move your hand with mine and observe me…watch my face….my body…..use your senses to sort of feel what I feel.”. Kurt moved a bit closer sensing the warmth of Xander’s body, watching carefully as Xander closed his eyes, his hand moving with Kurt’s over his stiffness, intentionally avoiding the head. Under Xander’s expert tutelage, he allowed their hands and fingers to move in unison, sliding lower over his balls, then up and over his distended cock, almost feeling his body begging for release. It was hypnotic, his face changing expressions, his hand gripping Kurt’s more tightly, listening to him as he murmured in a world that for these few moments only he resided in. Kurt had never even considered watching like this. How it would make him feel. An experience like this went way beyond videos….beyond his own hands….his own fantasies….and as Xander came, Kurt unexpectedly felt a jolt in response. Again, the room was silent, Xander still gripping Kurt’s hand, his eyes closed, allowing his breathing to return to normal. Finally, Xander released the world he’d inhabited and looked over at Kurt. “Are you hungry?” he asked. In the midst of all that this night represented to Kurt, he started to laugh allowing the tension to disappear. “Am I hungry???” This, too, was intentional. Xander was hungry and their night was far from over. The tension had indeed disappeared. There were other worlds to explore. Places Kurt had never been, feelings and sensations he was aware of, but hadn’t known how to put into perspective. Yes, when daylight returned Kurt would leave Xander and this room with a new understanding of himself, his body, what it felt like to be pleased and how to please another.”
Really, Javi???? You’re going to leave it with am I hungry?” “Well, you are, aren’t you? I mean it’s been hours since we ate and…it’s a fantasy! We can return to it any time! After all, “Kurt” still has a lot to learn remember?” Kurt gave Javi a nudge, “And maybe Xander has a few things to learn too! If he’s going to continue to ply his trade…well an expert is always learning, right? Maybe I can be Xander next time, but I want a different name like Damian or something.” “Oh, Kurtito, of course we can switch roles, but the whole purpose of this fantasy was to possibly discover why you were feeling jealous. Please don’t tell me you’re now jealous of the man in the fantasy!” With a frustrated sigh, Kurt said, “Stop it! Sometimes I really do hate you!” Javi’s deep rich laughter filled the room and soon he was gasping, unable to stop, “Kurt…ohmi….Kurt!…you are so….cute!….hate me???? Ohgod….” Kurt threw one of the pillows at him and stomped toward the hotel kitchen. If there was one thing that Kurt hated more than Javi in that moment, it was being called cute. “You can be sooooo annoying,” throwing the words back at Javi as he opened the refrigerator. As Javi’s chuckles dissipated, he followed Kurt into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around his waist, “You make me so happy even when you hate me. You are the reason I want to get out of bed every morning…well and..” looking back at the tangle of pillows and sheets…”and actually the reason I want to get into it, too.” Kurt tried not to laugh but….he couldn’t help himself. “So, basically you’re saying you keep me around to be your alarm clock in the morning and your boy toy at night.” “You mean there are other reasons?” “Sooooo damn annoying!” He reached into the fridge grabbing a couple of the hero sandwiches they’d bought earlier, “Here Xander! The night’s not over, so you’re still my gigolo….my gay for pay…and you didn’t even make me pay! You’re gonna need this sandwich if that’s how you do business so eat hearty!”
