FIX ME

It wasn’t a decision he’d made lightly, but Javi had agreed to remain with Sie7e (Reinventing Your Sins) for as long as it remained in California, and at least for the time being, in LA. He loved his role as Lust, one of the seven deadly sins! Even though it called for him to wear 8-inch heels that weren’t doing his feet any favors, even though his hair needed constant care to keep it shocking pink, yes, even the never-ending rehearsals hadn’t dampened the joy he found in acting. And his performance was drawing attention from all kinds of unexpected arenas that were exciting to contemplate as future avenues for his talents. And for reasons he hadn’t quite figured out yet, he sensed that this period in his life, with this play, wasn’t complete. There was this nagging feeling that a door was either half-open or maybe it was half-closed. Whichever, he knew he wasn’t done. But, he had insisted on one thing before he gave them his ultimate yes. That instead of Kurt being the one to shuttle between LA and San Diego he would be the commuter. He could still hear Kurt trying to talk him out of it.

“Javi, that’s crazy! We’ll only see each other two days a week and one of those days is already spoken for. One of my classes is on Tuesday….and sure I can probably change that with no trouble, but, no, I won’t do that and I won’t let you complicate your life any more than it already is! How about this? You commute here on your days off and I can come to LA when it suits your schedule during the week. My timetable is much more flexible than yours.”

Pleading his case, he said, “Kurt, you’ve spent enough time commuting to accommodate my choices and we both know that you hate LA.”

“Yes, I do hate LA,” Kurt agreed, “but do you know what I hate even more? Being away from you five days a week. A couple days a week in LA won’t kill me.” Javi attempted to interrupt him, but Kurt stopped him, raising a halting hand, “But…But!” he repeated emphatically, “five days a week might just kill our relationship, and yes, I know that we went into this well aware that travel would be an issue but that was when I was still in school. I can write in LA just as easily as I can write in San Diego.”

Javi was quiet for a moment, remembering all the safeguards they’d put in place in an attempt to avoid this all too real obstacle, and he knew that Kurt was probably right. It wasn’t like he was going on tour and might not be home for months. Why subject themselves to days away from each other when they didn’t have to? And it wasn’t like they couldn’t afford the commute, it was less than an hour by plane and only a couple hours by car.

Somewhat reluctantly he said, “Okay, we’ll give it a try, but if it gets to be too much for either of us, we’ll have to revisit this discussion. Does that sound fair?” Kurt smiled. He didn’t care if it was fair or not, all he cared about was not being away from his lover more than he had to be. “Sure, Javito,” he said, drawing him into his arms and kissing his head, chuckling about his still pink hair. “Ya know, pretty soon people are going to start asking if pink is your natural hair color.” “Very funny, mi Kurtito,” he replied, enjoying the feeling of Kurt’s arms wrapped around his neck. “And if you don’t stop picking on my hair color, I may just leave it this way. Hot pink for your hot man?”

Blaine returned the chain that held their mailbox key to his shorts pocket, sifting through mostly junk and a bill or two, as always. Oh! An invitation! One he’d sort of been expecting, but they’d been talking about the get-together for months now. Trying to get the remaining members of the Glee Club together for a party wasn’t as easy as it may have sounded, even though most of them were scattered hither and yon in California. Almost all of them were working in the entertainment industry with varying degrees of success, although Rachel was still in the Big Apple trying her luck on Broadway. Yes, even as talented as she was, they all knew when it came to entertainment, it required almost as much luck as it did talent. Kurt had mentioned a couple months ago that they were hoping to arrange something for mid-July, but Blaine couldn’t totally commit to something that vague. Even so, he’d tried to keep July as free as possible just in case the plan did pan out. Taking the elevator, he hoped that Jeff could clear his calendar for whatever date was chosen. Unlocking the door, he laid the party-themed envelope on the kitchen counter, deciding to wait until Jeff got home before opening it.

Bella sat on the balcony chair deep in thought. Her mama had made a friend in the building and was meeting her for lunch, leaving Bella alone, a rarity these days.

She didn’t know what to make of her parents’ relationship anymore. As far as she knew, they’d never been apart this long…in fact, as far as she knew they’d never been apart for longer than one night and that had been when he’d gone to see Javi in concert at her request, hoping for at least a truce, if not a complete reconciliation. He’d fulfilled his promise, but it had done little good. Papa was no closer to reconciling with Javi than he’d been before he left. Mama’d hoped that seeing the success he’d made of himself in the music world might remind him that had it not been for his papa’s introducing him to music he wouldn’t be where he was today. That pride in his accomplishments might replace his pig-headed refusal to accept Javi for who he was. But, she’d been wrong. All he seemed to see and hear was Javi dressed in his ostentatious clothing singing songs that had nothing to do with his Christian upbringing and everything to do with how the insidious evil of the world had drawn him in. All the money in the world, all of the applause, all of the joy that Javi displayed onstage, the fact that his fans seemed to capture that joy as their own? But in his father’s eyes, that amounted to nothing. None of that mattered! None of it! Because Javi refused to acknowledge his choice to be gay, still insisting he’d been born that way, that it wasn’t a choice. The hard part was that Javi seemed to actually believe what he was saying! No, he didn’t believe that he was a liar, he believed he was confused…or deluded….but whatever he was it was unacceptable.

Her parents had been apart now for over six months, and even though she didn’t mind her mother’s company at all, her papa and mama seemed to be at a stalemate. They Skyped almost every day, and, in general, their conversations seemed civil, even more than civil much of the time. She’d often hear them laughing together just like when she and Javi had been kids. And although her mama said her papa seemed to be softening toward the idea that he had to let go of his desire to control his grown children’s lives, apparently he wasn’t softening enough. Or not enough for her mama to feel she could return to their home in Quintana Roo and still see her children as she pleased. In her mind, much of her lifetime had been wasted when it came to her four hijos e hija (sons and a daughter), giving in to her husband’s stubbornness. No! she would not go back to the way it was!

No one had ever come right out and said it, but Bella was pretty sure that Javi was at the core of this stalemate. Even though her papa didn’t like the fact that she and one of her brothers had not followed the path that he would have chosen for them, with Javi it was different. He’d not only chosen a different path, but he was gay. If he would just accept that Javi had not chosen that…..if only, she sighed, but her mama had spent many an afternoon crying on Bella’s shoulder, “He just won’t budge,” she’d whimper, drying her eyes with a Kleenex.

Javi had chosen one of the round tables near the back of the diner, one eye watching the door. He had so hoped that with the resolution of his anger towards Tonio behind him, he could move forward. At first, he’d felt at peace with himself, and he WAS moving forward, but somehow he’d forgotten that as in all of life, there was always another challenge waiting. And most of the time he loved a challenge, he hadn’t gotten this far in life without them…but this wasn’t a new challenge. Like the anger, this had been following him around from the time he’d had his first conscious thought. How he longed to fling wide the door to his life that was either half-open or half-closed, finally setting it free….setting himself free….if only it was that simple.

He allowed himself to be analytical for a moment. Stepping back he had to admit he found it sort of interesting. Of course, he could be wrong, but it all seemed to have started right after adorable, talented, thoughtful, sexy Kurt had sashayed into his life. He smiled as he pictured him sitting alone on a barstool at The Rafters. The subtle changes hadn’t started happening all at once of course; with stealth they’d slipped back into his consciousness, just waiting for Javi to acknowledge their existence again. Honestly, it didn’t really matter that he couldn’t point to a particular moment when it started, all that mattered was it had started and it had brought him to this moment, waiting……

What a time that had been, he reminisced. He’d been so preoccupied with his love for Kurt, so sudden, so unexpected, so wonderful, that he wasn’t paying much attention to anything else but Kurt and building what he hoped would be a new relationship. And he was still madly in love with Kurt, he was his first thought every morning and his last thought every night. It hadn’t been like the problems of life had magically disappeared, of course not. But a person could only deal with so much at one time. Back then, he could barely handle the way that Kurt seemed to engulf his entire life, all of those emotions….it was easy to put lots of things on hold, as he fell head over heels in love.

Blaine had been the first intrusion from the past. Looking at it now with 20/20 hindsight, Blaine hadn’t been the obstacle that Javi had expected. But back then he was being uber cautious, unsure if Blaine might be the enemy with his desire to renew his friendship with Kurt. Javi had been very leery of his motives, definitely doubting that all he wanted from Kurt was friendship. So he’d quietly watched it play out after Blaine moved to LA…and with a new boyfriend, Jeff! That was certainly something Javi hadn’t expected! But he’d more or less come to accept that Blaine’s love for Jeff was real; he wasn’t just pretending; he wasn’t just using Jeff as a cover until he made his ultimate attempt to win Kurt back.

And at least his anger at Tonio had dissipated thanks to Dr. Piper’s counseling. That, and the unconventional way in which the four of them, him, Kurt, Jeff and Blaine, had dealt with it. Sure, it might still raise its ugly head intermittently but he was clutching the tools he needed to fight it and he was determined that it wouldn’t catch him off guard or worm its way into his subconscious before he recognized it, not ever again.

The sidewalk was a busy place, people meeting up for lunch or running errands, taking a break from their workplace, enjoying the sun and mild breezes of San Diego. Just an ordinary day it would seem, but not for him.

Javi had reached a turning point, a fork in the road, and he would be here any minute, the person who just might be the one to guide him….well, actually more like push him….in the direction he knew he had to go. Javi’d asked this question of many in his past, but none were willing to flat out tell him what he already knew. They didn’t want to be the one to nudge him into doing what had to be done. His own sanity and self-preservation depended on it, and why he needed anyone’s validation was a mystery to him, but it no longer mattered why.

Where is he?, he wondered, nervously glancing toward the door and then quickly glancing away. Part of him would be so glad to see him and another part of him didn’t want to see him at all. Well, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see him. After all, he’d been there from the very beginning. He’d walked the same uncertain path, known the fear, the heartache…..he’d done battle with it and seemed to have returned from the battlefield the victor. What Javi had viewed as a plague upon their lives. And when no one else had been there for Javi in the past? He’d always, always been there.

And then suddenly, like a camera changing exposure time, he was back at that concert almost a year ago. He’d almost lost his cool right there onstage! Stumbling over the lyrics to a song that he’d sung a million times! That night had been the beginning of one of the Pandora’s boxes in his life starting to slowly open. As much as he tried to put it behind him, there was no place he could flee like he had to Mexico City as a teen. Even before puberty, he could sense he was different. He’d spent his teen years trying to convince himself that he could somehow fix it. After all, that’s what he’d been taught. If there was something that didn’t work, you tried to fix it. If you didn’t like something, then try to fix it. Except no one seemed to have the answer to how…..how to fix something no one wanted to even talk about.

The internet didn’t exist back then, it was decades away. He didn’t have access to what might have been the answer with only a few keystrokes. He’d spent hours at the library searching for books or magazines….but they only provided clinical information….and said nothing about how to fix it…..only that it was bad, it was wrong…it was everything that he’d heard in church and more. And if he’d been caught with any of those books? He still shuddered to think what would have happened. He had nowhere to go! He was trapped in a place and time that couldn’t accept him for who he was….they would say what he was. And that was the root of the problem! Everyone saw people like him not as whos, but as whats. And whats could be fixed in their small-minded beliefs.

This was pointless! It felt like his thoughts were on a merry-go-round trying to move backwards and it only left him just as frustrated as always.

Smiling, Marina stopped by his table to top off his coffee. They knew each other from the neighborhood and she greeted him with a “Well, hello there, Javi! What? You’re here all alone? No Kurt?” she said with a wink. He chuckled despite his serious thoughts. When Kurt and Javi were both in town everyone assumed that they didn’t spend a single minute apart…which was basically true. “Not today, he had a writer’s workshop, but I’m waiting for someone. They should be here soon,” he said, well aware that he was taking up space in a busy restaurant at lunchtime. “Oh, no problem, sweetie,” she replied as she saw a fan approach most likely hoping for an autograph and a few seconds to speak to their idol. It didn’t matter why or what he was doing there, Javi was good for business and he was so approachable, it wasn’t unusual at all for fans to show up at his table or booth when he was there.

He hadn’t visited Javi in San Diego in years mostly because he was usually somewhere else closer to home in Mexico, on tour or doing endless interviews, recording new songs. It seemed he was always busy. He often wondered if Javi’s sometimes manic life was a defense mechanism against loneliness, never allowing him too much time to think. He could easily understand why.

He knew most people thought Javi’s life was easy because he had all the money he needed, two homes, a gazillion fans who loved him. They thought his life was glamorous! Traveling all over the world, meeting famous people, doing what he loved. Very few allowed themselves to think about how lonely the road could be, how the travel took its toll, interviewers wanting to pry into his life, public and private….it could be physically and mentally exhausting. Most people believed he had it all and probably more! So very unlike what they perceived to be their own rather mundane lives.

Some honestly believed he was perfect and always happy! And of course that smile he’d been blessed with only encouraged such magical thinking.

He knew Javi was far from perfect just like every other person on the planet. And even though he’d often thought that Javi, with purpose, tried to allow himself little time to think, he knew that certainly wasn’t the truth. Javi was an examiner, finding significance in the smallest things and often turning what he found into songs.

He had to laugh when he thought of Javi being thought of as perfect, as simple, as always happy. Most people would never know the real Javi; even some who considered themselves his close friends didn’t really know him. With most people, allowing for only a few exceptions, he was shy at first, watching and listening carefully, trying to size you up and that had only become more so as he lived his life in the spotlight. The years of fame had only made him more wary and understandably distrusting. Although he appeared to the world as a calm, even-keeled, totally in control of himself person, in reality? He was rarely lukewarm about anything, he either loved with a passion or didn’t care at all. But that’s not how he allowed the world to see him. And sometimes, frustrated with himself, he’d unintentionally let the world see him for the very human person that he was….but that was certainly not the norm.

And that was every reason he’d made a lifelong effort to stay in touch with Javi. That hadn’t been easy either. In typical Javi fashion, once he escaped to Mexico City at the age of 18, there was no turning back. He’d made his choice, his decision to pursue the dream that had been his before he was even aware of dreams. He was born an artist in the broadest sense, someone who lived out their passion in the wide variety of creative arts. As far as he was concerned, his chosen path wasn’t even chosen, at least by him anyway. He was destined to live in the limelight….and even if he never made it to the limelight, he’d still be a singer, a songwriter, a creator. He didn’t “want to be” an artist anymore than he “wanted to be” gay. He was always using the example of his birthplace. He’d say something like, “I was born in Mexico and even if I wanted to change that, I can’t.” That was how Javi viewed his passion! It was a fact, not a choice.

And Javi’d confided to him that it was also the only way he could see to fix himself. He certainly couldn’t do it here! he’d say. Mexico City was all he talked about, “I need somewhere bigger, somewhere that I can breathe, a place with more people like me…and you!” He was still sitting on the fence, believing deep down that no one could fix what he’d been born to be, but still wishing he could to please those he loved the most. Just maybe there were people in CDMX who could tell him or show him how.

But, even when he’d awakened one day to find him gone, not even saying good-bye, he refused to abandon Javi. He remembered searching high and low for him in CDMX, all the while knowing he wasn’t going to just stumble upon him in a city of almost ten million.

He knew what had drawn him there; he could have left at any time, but you couldn’t miss the change in Javi after he’d read about it in one of his well-hidden magazines – the hope of winning a singing contest believing if he did it would change his entire life and he’d be free! Free to become what destiny had allowed. Scared but sure he could do it! That no one else would even get a chance to win. And Javi had won! He’d heard about it from a friend long after the fact.

So, at least he knew where to start looking. He spent months searching in every recording studio in CDMX, from largest to smallest, and occasionally he’d find someone who’d at least met Javi, but no one seemed to know where he lived….some said they knew he’d lived on the street at some point. Suddenly, he felt very fortunate, at least he had friends he could stay with. If what they said was true, he might still be living on the street and he couldn’t bear the thought of him out there in danger, even more so because…..no, he wouldn’t let his mind go there.

It had taken awhile and the Javi he knew today would have called it destiny, but he didn’t care what you called it, the day Javi had stumbled upon him, and not the other way around, it was everything he could do to hold back the tears. One of his cousins owned a cantina just around the corner from a small recording studio. He was barely old enough to drink and what little money he made working was being squirreled away saving for his own yet unrealized dream. He’d just ordered the cheapest beer they had when he heard the sound of boisterous laughter coming from the open door. He turned to see if the group was anyone he knew and there he was! Javi! Waving at the bartender, laughing when they carded him, knowing full well he was 18. Not thinking, he shouted Javi’s name so loud that almost everyone in the cantina stopped talking.

As Javi spun around to see whose yell was causing the lull in conversation, his eyes lit up as brightly as his megawatt smile, “Teo! Teo? ¿Qué estás haciendo aquí? (What are you doing here?),” rushing to Teo’s table, abandoning his friends without a thought, grabbing the first chair he could find. But instead of sitting, he remained standing, pulling Teo from his chair giving him a hug. Teo was trying so hard not to cry, but when Javi let go, he saw the tears in Javi’s eyes and abandoned all efforts to stop his own tears from falling. Teo tried to brush the tears away quickly so no one else would see, but Javi stopped him, “We’re not….there,” He couldn’t even bear to say the name….”and he’s….not here,” Javi said, a flash of pain in his eyes, still hearing the words, “Mexican men don’t cry.” Neither of them had to wonder who “he” was, not even for a second.

And now here he was standing outside a diner in San Diego, so familiar from past visits, but he hadn’t come alone as they’d originally planned. He was afraid if he told Javi who had accompanied him on this trip, he wouldn’t have allowed either of them to come. Turning to his nervous companion, he said, “Well, here we go, amigo,” and pushed on the door before they lost their courage.

As he heard the bells on the door jingle, his attention quickly switched from the everyday activity on the street to who might be coming through that door. It had been far too long since they’d last seen each other, but it was always a pleasant surprise when they did. They’d been friends forever it seemed. More than friends….much more than friends, but that was then. And then was a very long time ago. After all the stuff with the play had finally been settled and he knew where his future lay for the foreseeable future, he’d decided it was time for he and Kurt to meet. He’d told Kurt everything he could think of about him over the months they’d been together. And they’d almost met up when he and Kurt were in CDMX at Christmas, but it hadn’t happened. “Well, I wouldn’t pass up a trip to Cancun either!” he smiled into the phone at the last minute change in plans, “maybe you can come to San Diego, see the play!” He’d loved it there whenever he’d visited and they never lacked for things to do or talk about. They were all anticipating a good time.

But as soon as the decision had been made, the question, as he’d come to think of it, began to haunt him again. And as much as he tried to hide his unsettledness from Kurt, it hadn’t worked for long. Even though they’d only known each other for about a year and a half, he learned early on that Kurt was not only very sensitive, but very perceptive. At first, Kurt had thought it was the unanswered question of what to do about the play, but then after much discussion, Javi had decided to stay with it. And for awhile he seemed to be his old self, but then that faraway look returned, especially when he watched Mateo videos with Kurt. Kurt was using some of their material in his classes and it wasn’t like this was something new for them. Yet, he could tell Javi was struggling to maintain his attention so Kurt wouldn’t notice. But notice he did; he even asked him point-blank about it, but Javi’s answer was usually something between changes they were thinking of making in the play or sometimes the conversations he’d had with his sister Bella recently. The latter seemed most plausible to Kurt, but there was something else…..

One night he’d rolled over reaching for Javi’s warm body and found the covers thrown back and his side of the bed cold. He’d tried to go back to sleep, but then when Javi hadn’t returned a half hour later he’d gotten up and found him in the media room with an old photo album in his lap, the corners scuffed from age and overuse. Kurt cleared his throat so he wouldn’t startle him and Javi looked up sort of bashfully like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“So, what’s up, mi amor?” Kurt questioned as he placed a hand on Javi’s shoulder and then lowered himself to the couch beside him. “Oh, just looking for some pictures I wasn’t sure I had anymore, or at least not here. I thought Teo might like to see them. I can’t believe I’ve never shown them to him.” “You got up at 3 in the morning to look for old pictures?” “Yeah!” Javi said a little too defensively, as Kurt gave him that raised eyebrow look. “Well, I didn’t exactly just get up, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep….so….he’s going to be here in a couple weeks, ya know.”

Of course Kurt knew. He was so anxious to meet him. Javi had told him story after story of their long friendship….their long relationship. He’d seen pictures of him and laughed or cried as the case may be along with Javi over the antics that boys can get up to. And he’d told him of how the feelings had changed when they’d become teenagers….how those feelings had scared them……how they had to hide what they felt, sneaking away to be alone. They were no longer care-free children….and they wished they could be…..wished they could go back before…..before they knew the truth about who they were….and what their relationship had become.

To hide his worry, Kurt had sat beside Javi, letting him talk and pretending not to be concerned. It wasn’t just that Javi was up at 3 in the morning or that he couldn’t sleep. Being the artist that he was, he’d never kept regular hours….no, it was something more. The way he’d close his eyes for a few seconds as if he was trying to erase something from his mind….or the way he’d suddenly stare as if trying to focus on something but not sure what….the way his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. To dim Javi’s smile was to dim part of the very essence of who he was!

Finally, he’d shut the album and kissed Kurt softly on the lips. “Come on, mi tom kitty, we both need our beauty sleep,” to which Kurt had replied trying to lighten the mood, “Speak for yourself, little man! I’m beautiful 24 hours a day!” “That you are,” Javi chuckled, “that you are.”

And now here it was two weeks later and Kurt was putting some finishing touches on his lesson plan waiting for Javi and Teo to arrive. Javi had asked Kurt to go with him when he met Teo at the diner after his flight had arrived, but Kurt said, no. He thought it would be good for them to do some catching up before coming back to the house and that would give Kurt some time to fix something for supper and work on his lesson plans at the same time. Teo had left his partner behind for the trip, not because he didn’t want him to come, but because he, too, was an artist and was in the midst of recording.

Kurt had just taken a bottle of wine from the refrigerator and popped the cork to let it breathe. Javi had told him he didn’t have to go to all this trouble. After all, Teo would be there for at least a week, but he also knew Kurt loved to make a fuss. He didn’t consider it trouble at all, he loved party planning, even if the party was only a party of three.

He heard the car door slam and quickly took his lesson materials to his sanity room, returning just in time to hear the front door open and what he assumed was Teo’s voice say, “Wow, it smells scrumptious in here!” And then he heard a second voice say, “Oh, that’s got to be Kurt’s doing!”….but the voice wasn’t Javi’s.