“No, I don’t think you’re crazy,” Dr. Piper said with conviction, “in fact,” he hesitated trying to come up with the right words to further reassure his client, “after what you just told me, it seems like a very logical conclusion to me.” Logical wasn’t exactly the word Javi would have used to describe his tale of an ex-lover haunting a room, complete with shattered picture frames, or haunting someone’s dreams for that matter.
It had taken Javi over a month to finally gather the courage to bring this topic up with his psychologist. And when he’d asked him if he believed in ghosts…..in the supernatural, he hadn’t replied with, “it doesn’t matter what I believe but what you believe,” the expected pat answer from a mind doctor’s point of view. He’d simply said, “Yes.”
“You do?” Javi had replied taken aback by the answer, “well then….do you have any ideas on what to do about him….it…” His voice trailed off, feeling crazy even if Dr. Piper didn’t think he was.
“Well, Javi, you seem to be making progress with your anger at Tonio or am I making an incorrect assumption?” Javi didn’t respond right away, but then said, “I haven’t been around any triggers, so it’s kind of hard to gauge, ya know?”
“Okay, if you think you might be a catalyst for Kurt’s dreams involving Tonio, has he had any recently that you’re aware of? You may not have thought of this, but the dreams are a trigger, even if you think that you’re the reason for their existence.” At least he had an answer for this question. After he’d recognized that he might be the cause of Tonio’s appearance in Kurt’s dreams, Kurt had promised to let him know any time he had one. It had taken some convincing, but after he’d given Kurt some valid reasons to do so, he’d relented. Especially when Javi said that it might help both of them, giving Kurt an outlet for the often frightening experience and giving Javi a chance to at least confront Tonio’s presence in a way that was constructive instead of frustrating.
“The last one was about two weeks after I started seeing you,” he replied, his thoughts drifting to the past. “And how did you deal with that?” It had been the middle of the night and fortunately they’d been together. Kurt had returned from San Diego earlier in the evening and Javi had been working, so they hadn’t actually seen or talked to each other, only a couple of quick texts if he remembered right. When he’d gotten home, expecting the usual welcome from his partner, it was obvious to Javi that Kurt had been tired. He found the large bowl of chicken noodle soup in the fridge, crackers on the table next to a place setting of dishes, and a loving note he’d tucked under the spoon and then gone to bed.
Tired himself, after eating, Javi had taken a nice hot shower, allowing it to soothe his after-performance adrenalin rush, and then he’d quietly slipped between the covers, Kurt’s steady breathing lulling him to sleep. Just when the sun had begun to shed its inviting rays along the edges of the blackout blinds, their sleep had been utterly destroyed when Kurt started frantically patting the bed beside him in his sleep, obviously searching for Javi. Javi had taken him into his arms, waking him with soothing words of “Kurt, it’s okay! It’s okay!” Not sure if he believed what he was saying, but saying it nonetheless.
After explaining the circumstances surrounding the dream, Javi reiterated, “Well, we definitely didn’t spend any time talking about how crazy it was….or why it was happening. I took your advice and tried to take myself out of the equation, like a bystander watching events unfold.” Of course, Dr. Piper hadn’t known at the time that this technique might apply to an otherworldly situation, but from Javi’s perspective, it had the same effect.
“After I calmed him down, I asked Kurt to describe the dream, to take his time and to think of any differences between that dream and some of his prior ones.” “And were there any differences?” Dr. Piper inquired.
“No, or at least none that he could recall.” Dr. Piper nodded and then asked, “You mentioned his ex-boyfriend?” he glanced down at his handwritten note, “Blaine, right?” “Yeah, he’s having similar dreams.” “Hmmmm…..interesting. Can you tell me something about him and his dreams?”
Javi took a deep breath and closed his eyes, sort of googling his brain searching for what it could remember about Blaine. At first he attempted to be brief, but Dr. Piper said, “Don’t leave anything out. Anything that comes to mind is helpful.” So Javi launched into their past history, then his own history with Blaine and as much as he could remember about the details of Blaine’s dreams. He shook his head. He hadn’t realized until now how much had transpired between them in less than a year!
Javi listened to the scratch of the pen as Dr. Piper scribbled a few more notes, glanced up from his writing and then put his pen down. “Javi…..I don’t want to be premature…..but, I think you might have made a significant breakthrough.” “I have? But….I still don’t understand why Kurt and Blaine are the ones dreaming about Tonio because of MY anger issues, doc. I mean, Kurt and I have tossed around some theories, but….”
Dr. Piper took a breath and steepled his fingers, “I’ve just heard this story, so this is just what might be a possibility, off the top of my head. You avoided long-term personal relationships from the time of Tonio’s death until you met Kurt, am I right?” Javi nodded as Dr. Piper began his recap.
“Then, Kurt comes along, and suddenly you’re in the midst of a whirlwind of a relationship, where your whole world changes. You’re in love! That in itself can be a catalyst for a whole variety of things. And tell me if I get this wrong….not long after, Kurt starts having repetitive dreams, right?”
Again, Javi nodded, wondering where this was going. “Yes, with Tonio at the center,” Javi provided. “Okay, repetitive dreams are a pattern with Kurt…and usually mean something significant. And then, inadvertently, Blaine reenters the picture.”
“Inadvertently?” Javi asked with a puzzled look. “I was the one who suggested that Kurt try to make amends with Blaine. How is that inadvertent?”
“Javi, you didn’t intentionally invite Blaine back into Kurt’s life as a long-term thing. You wanted to help Kurt rid himself of some of his own baggage. And it worked, didn’t it? But you couldn’t anticipate what happened after that. And, yes, before you say anything, you did offer Blaine assistance if he ever made it to California, but as you said you viewed that as a strategic move. As you put it keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.”
“So, Blaine arrives, you introduce him to your manager and he likes what he sees, and offers Blaine a role in the play you’re in. You end up moving to LA to accommodate the play, which puts Kurt and Blaine in closer proximity to each other. Do you remember when Blaine started having the dreams? Doesn’t matter at the moment, but I’d like you to find out. This is just hypothetical right now.”
“And here we have two people who considered themselves soulmates at one point and have a significant history of upheaval as well. And one of them wants to renew the relationship as a friendship.” Javi was becoming intrigued, even if this was only a hypothesis.
“Kurt is obviously sensitive to the supernatural and perhaps Blaine is, too, or it would appear that way to me. You’re in the middle of this picture. You have unresolved anger issues with Tonio. Kurt’s already dreaming about Tonio and perhaps Blaine is too, right? Then, you have the strange activity in the bedroom.”
He hesitated for a minute, trying to keep his thoughts on track, “I think, now, don’t put too much stock in this, but….I think, you bring two people with a strong positive and negative history back together? One is definitely sensitive to….whatever you want to call it…and that would be Kurt. Then, Blaine arrives on the scene and becomes another conduit for the dreams, the activity, anything outside of the seen world, because they’re like two poles of a magnet.”
“You asked if I believe in ghosts and I said yes. When you deal with the mind there are all kinds of things that influence it and I believe that what we can’t see is just as powerful as what we can. Some would view this as possible hallucinations or say that dreams are insignificant or irrelevant. Lots would disagree with me about ghosts, but that’s neither here nor there.”
“Okay, where was I,” he paused while peeking at his notes, “You’re in the middle of all this unseen, not even sure what you believe about it. But, Tonio, and this is a but, remember….has found conduits to get your attention in a big way. I don’t know what everything means with regards to Kurt and Blaine, all the symbolism from their pasts in the dreams, but in your situation, yes, I believe you are the catalyst for Tonio’s presence in these dreams, and yes, probably the activity in Blaine’s apartment.”
“Wow!” was all Javi could think to say. This was alot to take in! “But….what can I do to end it? And I don’t mean just the present problem. I mean the future. Like I’ve already said, I don’t want Tonio’s ghost hanging around trying to direct my life or offer me advice from beyond!”
“Javi, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe we never will, but let’s deal with the reason you’re here. Anger at Tonio because of past actions, not present or future ones. Let’s start with that.”
As Javi opened the front door he could hear Kurt singing along to a video he was watching. He’d told Javi that he was researching an idea for his book and his classes. The idea being building fantasies around songs like they had many times before and still did. He didn’t want to interrupt so without saying a word he quietly slipped onto the couch next to him.
Kurt acknowledged his presence with a half-smile, then returned his attention to the video. He’d just flipped past Dance for Your Papi by J Lo and brought up Yo Quiero by none other than Mateo itself. After what he’d learned from Dr. Piper, he was somewhat hesitant to watch any Mateo videos at the moment, but he reminded himself of how many times he’d watched this video. Kurt had even used it in one of their fantasies.
“Enjoy Dr. Piper’s assessment,” his mind whispered, “maybe you’re taking another step out of this whatever it is.” And he had to admit that he felt much better about the whole thing, especially now that he at least had something sort of concrete to work with.
Kurt reached across the couch and took his hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. One of the many things he loved about Kurt. He was so affectionate. And at the moment affection was something he needed. Despite the good news, he knew that in all probability this was going to take more work and all any of them wanted was for it to end.
I LOVE YOU
It’s an ordinary day
The day I went for a walk
Among the people without knowing what fate
I was preparing a surprise
was already waiting for me
Shortly after I passed by where they serve coffee
Since I had nothing else to do
Come on, come on, ask yes, yes, for this skinny guy
There was a table and that’s how that beauty attended
I did not imagine anything else to take her away from here
I swear I couldn’t even speak
Of the love that I felt when I saw her
Your kisses
(I want)
your charms
(I want)
Your skin
Oh mamacita give me give me your honey
Oh oh wo oh oh wo oh
One, two, three, four
Oh oh wo oh oh wo oh
(Mateo )
The next day the following happened
woke up early felt different
I didn’t know the reason for that beautiful morning
Until I saw that it dawned with her
I did not imagine anything else
To take her away from here
I swear I couldn’t even speak
Of the love that I felt when I saw her
Your kisses
(I want)
your charms
(I want)
Your skin
Oh mamacita give me give me your honey
Your eyes
(I want)
Your hips
(I want)
Your skin
Returning his attention to the TV, he had to smile. Mateo was in Bogota, Colombia, and they had been at the height of their career. Yo Quiero was one of those songs that always got the fans’ full attention. It wasn’t one of their more romantic songs. It was rocky and almost always brought the crowd to its feet.
Although he’d seen this performance more times than he could count, with his newfound perspective, he tried to watch it with a more critical eye just as Dr. Piper had instructed – take yourself out of the equation.
Tonio had been in a rare mood that night. They were planning to release their new album, Dejarte de Amar, in a matter of days and were going to sing a couple of the songs from it in public for the first time. In the early days he’d been much more hands on with the audience like he was tonight. And his piano playing wasn’t necessary for this song. Not only did it stir the crowd up, it more often than not stirred Tonio up.
As he watched their 30-something selves play with the crowd, skipping from one side of the stage to the other, he took in Tonio’s big smile – something else you didn’t see that often – and his playful attitude with the fans. Javi chuckled to himself. He still remembered the time where he actually got off the stage and lost himself in the crowd of hands as the screaming and singing got louder. Tonio had been the most security conscious of the three of them and then he’d leapt into the crowd as if all of them were his new best friends ready to catch him if he fell! That was so Tonio, one minute worrying about security, the next jumping into a crowd of wild fans……or from an airplane, his inner self whispered.
And they’d practiced over and over the part where Tonio dropped to his knees, sliding across the stage, grasping Javi’s hand tightly. Of course, they hadn’t been oblivious to the symbolism of that move or how it appeared to the fans and the cameras. They’d been playing with the press on that one, too. Never having come out, they were still leaving the paparazzi guessing. And as far as their fans went? They doubted any of them cared one way or the other….or at least not that night.
Just like Dance for Your Papi, Kurt replayed the Mateo video several times, trying to capture nuances for his writing and his class. But with each replay, Javi felt more and more uneasy. He kept trying to take himself out of the equation, tried picturing himself standing behind a curtain watching Tonio and his former self. He tried picturing himself as one of the few what-appeared-to-be disinterested fans. He tried watching only himself, then only Tonio. He even tried pretending he was Rigo, who often appeared to be so engrossed in guitar playing that he was in a bubble on the stage apart from Tonio and Javi.
Most of the time now, he could watch these videos with a musically critical eye, forget it was them on stage and draw some inspiration from the music and the experience. But not now, not today – the hypersensitivity that his recent visit with Dr. Piper had awakened wouldn’t let him.
He felt the anger growing. Even with all of his belief in destiny, watching the uber-talented Tonio and knowing his ultimate fate, made him sad…and sick…and mad. Even knowing that in all probability he wouldn’t be sitting here with Kurt if Tonio was still alive didn’t calm him. He rose from the couch and headed for their bedroom, hoping he hadn’t alarmed Kurt, yet knowing that Kurt was probably more sensitive to his surroundings than he was.
Kurt was fully aware of Javi’s feelings. His hand had grasped his tighter and tighter with each replay. He’d almost suggested that Javi not watch at all, but he knew that in order for him to address his fear and anger, he had to find ways to face it head-on. He knew nothing of his conversation with Dr. Piper yet, but he’d give him a few minutes and then follow him to the bedroom, hoping that the session today had yielded something productive.
The idea had taken root right after he’d had the dream where another entity? what would you call it? had entered the picture. Blaine was an actor after all and so was Javi….and Kurt had been too in a previous life before writing had consumed his time. What harm could it do? To be honest the more he’d thought about going to that storage locker, with or without someone else, the less he liked the idea. He’d come to the conclusion that it should stay right where it was until this thing was resolved.
All they needed was someone to play Tonio and if Jeff was willing he might be the perfect candidate. He had a temper that he was always working on trying to control. And from what he’d gleaned from Javi, Tonio’s temper far exceeded Jeff’s. Or maybe even have someone else play Javi and have Javi play Tonio. Now there was a interesting idea!
Although he knew Kurt and Javi had reluctantly shared the thought that Javi’s repressed anger might be the catalyst, and just as reluctantly shared that Javi was seeing a psychologist to help him deal with it, acting it out might just help rather than harm. The idea of a dream psychologist hadn’t been discarded, but he’d put it on the backburner right next to the idea of visiting that boxful of uncertainty hidden away in a storage locker.
If everyone agreed to try it, should they do it somewhere besides the bedroom where the physical manifestations had begun? Much as he hated the idea of spending even another second of his life in there, he thought it was the only place to do it. They could practice it somewhere else, but ultimately he believed they should attempt what felt like the role of a lifetime in that bedroom. He’d talk about it with Jeff knowing full well he’d probably be the hardest to convince, and then they could take the plan to Kurt and Javi.
Gently rubbing his back, he waited for Javi to say something. He was laying on his stomach with his eyes closed, slowly inhaling, then exhaling. Finally, Kurt ventured, “Do you want to talk about it, carino?” Javi thought about that for a minute or so….did he want to talk about it? At least he had something new to say! Rolling over, he moved to the other side of the bed in order to give Kurt room to lay down.
Once Kurt had gotten comfortable, he took his time explaining his visit with Dr. Piper. He didn’t want to appear too optimistic, but he was. This certainly brought the dreams into perspective and Javi’s reactions of relief and then anger seemed to make some sort of sense. After all, he’d spent time listening to Dr. Piper describe a possible reason for their dilemma and then what’s the first thing he sees when he walks through the door? He and Tonio, as if Tonio wasn’t dead, as if they were still together creating the magic that only Mateo could create for their fans. Kurt decided not to offer his own opinion. It wasn’t needed as far as he was concerned. He agreed with his doctor. Even though Javi had experienced anger at Tonio so soon after the semi-revelation didn’t mean that he hadn’t made a breakthrough. He’d only been home for a couple hours. He needed time to get used to the idea and then figure out how to apply it to the core problem.
Jeff had gladly left the hospital behind. It had been a rough day. Complications in surgery, unplanned, emergency surgeries, not a single second to spare it seemed. He loved his job, but he was whipped.
As he walked through the door, he heard Blaine in the kitchen probably putting the final touches on dinner. It smelled like roasted chicken and he thought he was probably hungry enough to eat the whole thing. Blaine turned around as he heard the thump of Jeff’s backpack landing on the floor. “It’ll be ready in about an hour, love!” he said, noting the exhausted look on Jeff’s face.
Jeff walked around the kitchen island, wrapping his arms around Blaine’s waist as he sprinkled some herbs on a bowl of cornbread dressing, kissing him on the neck. “It is sooooo good to be home,” he murmured, “what a day.”
He opened the refrigerator, removing a bottle of Heinekens asking Blaine if he wanted one. Blaine nodded and told him to take it to the living room….he’d be in in a minute.
“So, I know what my day’s been like….I’d rather hear about yours,” he said to Blaine. Blaine hesitated. He could go into a discussion about practice earlier in the day, but that was pretty much the same thing Jeff always heard. The only other thing he wanted to talk about was his ideas regarding the dream. But Jeff looked so tired….was now the right time? Or was there ever going to be a right time? He decided to test the waters, saying, “Um, I have something I think is important to talk about, but maybe now isn’t the time.” He knew he could count on Jeff to tell him if it wasn’t.
“Anything to take my mind off today, please….anything!” he said, taking a sip of his beer. “Even if it’s boring as hell.” Blaine chuckled, “Well, I don’t think you’ll find it boring, that’s for sure. And we don’t have to decide anything tonight. It’s just an idea.”
Jeff rearranged himself on the couch, believing he’d probably need to get comfortable for this conversation that would require a decision. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” he joked. “No smart-ass, I’m not pregnant,” he laughed, “It’s about the dream.” At first he just blinked. They hadn’t discussed “the dream” in a while….well, if you considered two or three weeks ago a while. It wasn’t his favorite topic, but if Blaine had something new to offer, he at least wanted to consider it.
“Okay, good news? bad news? As long as it doesn’t involve someone needing surgery.” Actually, Blaine would love to excise the dream from their lives and wished it was as simple as surgery.
He explained his thoughts from earlier waiting for some input from Jeff, but Jeff was silent, waiting for him to finish. He didn’t even seem to have much of a reaction when Blaine got to the part about Jeff playing the role of Tonio….or maybe Javi playing that role and Jeff playing the role of Javi.
“Mmmmm,” was all he said. It was an interesting thought. He was no actor, but if they were going to do this…. “This is what I think.” Blaine waited for an argument. After all, this wasn’t making a decision about what they wanted to do over the weekend or something equally mundane.
“I think if we’re going to do this….and I’m not thrilled with the idea, mind you…but then I suppose you aren’t either…anyway, if we’re going to do this, I think Kurt should be Tonio. After all, Javi’s the one who knows Tonio best….and he’s also the one struggling with his anger at him, right? Maybe it would do him good! He’d sort of be yelling at himself and yelling at Tonio all at the same time. I know that sounds strange, but you get what I mean. And I’d be just sort of…..a stand-in for Kurt. Maybe expressing his feelings to “Kurt” and getting out in the open what he thinks or feels Tonio might be saying? Yeah, it sounds far-fetched, but this whole thing has been far-fetched from the beginning.”
Wow! Blaine thought, that wasn’t at all what he’d expected and in its own weird way it made sense. “So, you’re saying you’ll do it?” “Yeah, but first you have to discuss it with Kurt and Javi, don’t you? I’m assuming you haven’t said anything to them yet, right?” “No, not yet….but maybe I’ll get ahold of them after we eat.”
He could still hear Dr. Piper’s words as the four of them sat in the living room preparing themselves for what everyone hoped was a good idea, but sort of like pulling a tooth, you wanted the problem to be gone, but you dreaded what might have to be done to accomplish that. Dr. Piper had nodded, as if in agreement with their idea, but then said something like, “It might resolve your otherworldly issues, but you also have to think about what it might do to your relationships with the other three, and especially Kurt in your case, Javi.” He caught Javi’s gaze and held it, “I know you think you two have an almost unbreachable relationship….and I have to admit from what you’ve told me, it’s as solid as stone, but….” Javi interrupted, “I know what you’re saying, doc, but honest conversation has rarely been a problem for us,” he said almost too confidently, but Dr. Piper let it pass.
And so, with Dr. Piper’s assistance, they’d developed a plan, not only to discuss what they’d do in that room, but also how to discuss their true feelings for each other. And, unfortunately, the not-so-subtle warning had borne fruit.
“Can’t we do this without baring our souls?” Jeff had ventured. He already felt awkward enough with their attempts to practice what they would do or say in that bedroom, and he didn’t even have a speaking part! As for Kurt, he didn’t mind baring his soul, as Jeff had put it, in a conversation with Javi, but with Blaine? He had no desire to open up a potential can of worms involving his rather mixed up feelings for Blaine.
“Okay,” Blaine sighed, feeling they were heading back to square one. What are our other options?” he asked. Kurt looked at his phone where he’d been keeping notes, almost wishing he’d get a call from Ghostbusters, their original idea.
Kurt enumerated other avenues they might pursue, dream psychologist? Someone or someones taking a trip to the storage locker hoping that maybe handling the broken frame and treasured photo might reveal something useful? Javi glanced at Kurt from his seat on the floor, “Wait, when did THAT become a possibility?” All he had to do was look from Kurt’s guilty-appearing face to Blaine’s. “Blaine and I texted about it, but decided it might be one of our….worst ideas ever.” “You can say that again!” Javi sort of huffed. They’d even had conversations about seances, Ouija boards, psychics and even having the apartment cleansed and blessed by a priest, although none of them was Catholic.
But after much debate among the four of them and more than one or two arguments between the couples, they’d decided they were much more afraid of not trying this than they were of expressing their feelings for each other. The words, this isn’t a guy thing, were uttered more than once.
The stalemate had ended after Dr. Piper had asked, “So, would you rather continue to deal with the dreams and whatever else goes with it or would you rather move past your typically male reaction and hangups to honest conversation and possibly resolve it?” Seated on the office couch, Javi finally came to the realization that there was only one good answer to the question.
Texting the other three as he left the office, they arranged to meet in what had become their conference room of sorts, Blaine and Jeff’s living room. All of them agreed that it would be in everyone’s best interest if Kurt and Javi got comfortable spending time there and that it was the best place to practice as well since this was where the “real deal” would take place.
That was the night the walls all came tumbling down. No one wanted to prolong it, and even if nothing came of their attempt at least they could say they tried and hadn’t allowed something as simple as talking to interfere.
But simple it most certainly was not. One by one, with lots of hesitation and stumbling over words, they’d shared their feelings for each other. Jeff went first trying to talk about how he still felt somewhat uneasy around Kurt while throwing in the analogy of the puzzle pieces for good measure. Kurt expressed his reservations about a renewed friendship with Blaine. Of course, he knew Blaine was aware of that, but he wanted him to know that while he hoped they would have a friendship at some point, he wasn’t quite there yet. And they both admitted that they did miss each other’s friendship, but had no intention of getting back together. For Javi’s part, he explained his mistrust of Blaine at first and his idea of keeping his friends close and his enemies closer…but that he no longer thought of Blaine as the enemy. And Blaine had admitted that a year ago he had wanted a renewed romantic relationship with Kurt, but thanks to the help from counselors and Kurt’s example of journaling he’d gotten past that, creating a space in his life for Jeff.
And now, here they were a week later, Blaine holding the key to the bedroom that they all dreaded entering, but knew they had to. Blaine slipped the key into the lock and swung the door open wide as if ripping off a Band-Aid. Nothing had changed as far as he could tell. The walls were still half-painted, the bed still sat in the middle of the room, the window was closed and locked as it should be.
At Javi’s suggestion, they’d decided against just jumping into something they as yet had not found a name for. Making themselves as comfortable as possible, Kurt was their guide through their senses, acclimating themselves to the room, all hoping they could get through this part without incident.
Allowing a few minutes of silence, Kurt asked, “Are we ready?” Like they would ever be ready? Kurt’s mind questioned back. “Um….let’s start by sort of getting in position in relation to the dream.” Blaine said, sounding more matter-of-fact than he felt. “Usually, we’re all sort of standing by the side of the bed with the window on our left.” After they moved the bed back into position, Kurt stood beside it, waiting to play his role as Tonio. “Javi? Jeff?” Blaine orchestrated as they took their places in the roles of Javi as himself and Jeff as Kurt, standing by the dresser. “Kurt is usually behind Javi as if Javi is trying to protect Kurt…and I’m standing in the middle feeling confused, as if I don’t know why I’m there.” Kurt thought about this for a minute, “Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate,” he said.
It was awkward. Terribly awkward! They’d decided against doing something like trying to conjure up Tonio’s ghost. The problem wasn’t really his ghost if that’s what it was, the issue as they saw it was Tonio’s negative energy brought on by what they assumed was Javi’s anger. Whether all of that equaled the manifestation of a ghost, who knew?
“It’s a good thing three of us have some experience with acting,” Javi said with a nervous laugh, “at least we all know how to get into character.” Jeff said matter-of-factly, “So what do I do?” As Kurt stood in front of him, he turned and said, “Just pretend I’m someone who wants to protect you at all costs.” Well, that was easy enough, all he had to do was look at Blaine right there in the room. The confused man in the middle….if Jeff could have protected him from the dreams and whatever it was that existed in this bedroom, he would have.
As planned, they all closed their eyes, attempting to immerse themselves in their roles, again, using all of their senses. They waited for one of them to say something…. Javi hesitantly broke the silence, “Tonio, what do you want? Um…” he stumbled, reluctantly opening his eyes and taking a cleansing breath, then resuming a speech he was totally unprepared for, “I don’t need you in my life anymore….and you made sure I never would again, didn’t you?” Javi wondered where on Earth these words were coming from? He’d imagined what he might say over and over, but….And already he recognized the anger…..the sense of betrayal he’d only recently come to accept.
“Leave us alone! You keep reminding us that everything’s changed….”, his voice trailed off and the room was engulfed in silence. Suddenly, Kurt, as Tonio, roared, “Si! And damn it, it did! Everything! But if you don’t want me here then why won’t you let go? You SAY you don’t need me” …. Javi felt like he was being torn in two.
This is what it had felt like to be Tonio?? “or want me anymore, right?” Kurt continued in that…..voice….in a tone of voice that was unrecognizable coming from Kurt. “And even if you did, it’s impossible! You and your destiny! Destiny, always, always! If you really believed that then you’d know I didn’t have some grand scheme of my own to jump out of a plane and kill myself! I didn’t do it to prove I was invincible! You loved me for being a risk-taker, remember? You said it a million times….and now you hate me because I was a risk-taker???” Kurt couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth, but he couldn’t seem to stop them either.
He stomped on the floor just as Tonio had done in the dream, except the object that had crunched under his tantrum wasn’t there. Still, Javi could imagine the sound of the crunching frame, even over Tonio’s explosive words….a voice he’d heard before in another life, but without so much pain and anguish attached to it! He’d been holding this in for nine years? Even though Kurt was speaking as Tonio, it was impossible that what he was screaming at Javi wasn’t a mix of his own and Tonio’s words…..their feelings somehow meshing.
“Ya know what I think, Javi? I think you envied me! You wanted to be the one who didn’t let a single chance to live life on the edge pass you by! You were always trying to protect me from myself…..I didn’t need your protection, I didn’t ask for it….EVER!” Kurt just stood there trying not to look shocked. Those words struck a little too close to home. So….the overprotective Javi had existed even before Tonio plunged to his death?
And Javi in a low steady voice said, believing he was making an accurate guess, “And you envied me, too, didn’t you Tonio? Didn’t you? You wanted to be the Moon. You wanted to be the one that everybody saw as the calm and rational one. The one who was good at picking up the pieces after Tonio the Tornado left a path of…..of…..of mayhem and destruction as he tore through everyone’s life, right? Admit it, Tonio.” Now his voice sounded cold as ice.
Then his voice rose rather unexpectedly, as he crossed his arms tightly across his chest, “So! It would appear that we were the perfect combination of opposites attracting, no? If you’re right, that is. I can’t imagine ever wanting to be you! Oh, yeah, I wanted you. There was no doubt about that, but to BE you? Why would I want that? Do you know how many times people ran for cover around you? How many times they begged me to do something about this or that that you’d done without a thought for anyone but yourself? No…absolutely not….never! I’d never have wanted to be you!”
“So YOU say, Javi! Who was the one you gave credit to for Mateo’s existence? For making sure the business end was always taken care of? Tell me, Javi! You’ve said it yourself so many times….but you never really believed it, did you? You were mad at me long before I ever died! You were right about one thing though, we could fight it out then….and whether you’ll admit or not, I think you enjoyed the challenge. An outlet for your frustration, your jealousy, maybe?” He taunted.
“Jealousy? Of what? Of who? I thought we were soulmates, Tonio!”
“And so? So what if we were! We weren’t perfect! Yes, jealous! You were the one with the charisma….and the voice…the fans adored you, but in the music world it was me they called the musical genius….the producer….they even called me the Dragon, remember? You wanted all of that and the bad boy image, too!”
And then Kurt, as Tonio, was strangely silent. This was so weird. Sure, Javi had gone over their relationship in great detail (as if he didn’t know everything and more after over a year of loving Javi?), so that he could play his part. But it felt as if he wasn’t playing a part at all, but rather like he’d been there nine years ago. Something told him that everything they’d said to each other was true, like it or not (and if he was Javi….or even Tonio…he knew HE wouldn’t have liked it).
“No…..no, Tonio….” Javi’s voice was almost a whisper and he was shaking his head. “What I wanted…..” he hesitated, “I wanted….” he sighed. “All I really wanted was to help you see yourself through everyone else’s eyes. Of course, you were all of those things, the genius, the Dragon…..and maybe I was wrong in trying to do that….to help…..” he took another breath, “But if we hadn’t been exactly who we were…..no changes…just us….without all of this hidden? misunderstood? baggage, then…..look. I didn’t see this until you were gone….but Mateo wasn’t and would never again be what the fans wanted without you. Yeah, Rigo made a success of what was left, but….”
Kurt watched as Javi’s appearance changed, seeing not the angry man with his arms crossed over his chest as if trying to hold himself together from only a few minutes ago, but a broken man collapsing to the floor.
Jeff, as Kurt, took a step towards him….and Kurt unable to help himself did, too. But Javi stopped them both with a raised hand.
Kurt slid to the floor, brushing away imaginary pieces of the shattered picture frame, addressing Javi, his eyes forcing Javi to look at him, “You see this?” he held up an imaginary piece of the picture frame and glanced down at the nonexistent photo underneath. “Everything has changed!” He emphasized again. “They aren’t together,” he said pointing at Blaine and then thumping his own chest with a finger. “And they aren’t together anymore,” he emphasized pointing at the unseen photo. “Don’t you see? Those two had to let go of the halves that made them a whole. They had to in order to move on….to him!” he said pointing at Jeff, “and to you,” he said, pointing at Javi. It appeared that Kurt, as Tonio, was still in character….yet he was addressing them as who they really were!
“Javi, until you let go of the things that made us halves of a whole, good or bad, I can’t go! And you!….” his voice got quieter. “You can’t stay where you are! Whatever sins we committed for the sake of what we had or thought or did, holding on to them will only make you as dead as I am. I’m dead! I don’t need or want or even deserve your thoughts…..your fears…..not anymore!”
Kurt remained on the floor, thinking about the words he’d just uttered that hadn’t really been his own. Seemingly unaware that the others were just waiting for him to break the booming silence that remained, he pondered the words he’d spoken, “I don’t deserve your thoughts, your fears.” That’s all he could hear.
Had he meant that Tonio didn’t deserve them as he wasn’t worthy of the time….or had he meant he didn’t deserve to be held captive by them? Right now, he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure what he knew anymore as he returned the imaginary piece of glass to the floor.
Javi had loved Tonio with a passion he could never describe and he knew Tonio had loved him just as passionately, but had they really fed off of each other like that, like two parasites? Loving their hate? Hating their love?
Every ounce of anger appeared to have evaporated, like a dark cloud falling victim to the healing rays of the sun. At Dr. Piper’s suggestion, every word of their emotionally charged playacting had been recorded and Javi, coming back to himself, was glad….and relieved. Was it over? With time taken to digest it all, he fervently hoped so.
He finally noticed Kurt kneeling in front of him. Jeff and Blaine had said nothing, as if they were only props in the reenactment of the dream that had plagued them for months. Even as aware as he’d been to his own pain, he hadn’t missed the fact that Tonio…..or whoever….had addressed the issue of the broken picture frame…..of his protectiveness…..of Tonio’s feeling smothered by it. And Blaine and Jeff ? He guessed they were there just to demonstrate the fact that things had most assuredly changed for him…for Kurt…for everyone.
Just as much as the others had wanted to leave this room behind after that distressing, yet revealing, half hour, Blaine had wanted to stay for a few minutes.
That song had been playing in his head almost from the moment they’d taken their places in the room. Fantasy? Reality? Dream? After what he’d just witnessed he was sure of nothing. But that song, kept going round and round in his head. He’d made several attempts to push it aside, trying to concentrate on the drama unfolding before his eyes. Was this the end of it then? God, how he hoped so!
The Pretenders had made that song a hit, but the voice he heard was Finn’s. The thoughts in his head were about Finn. They’d played that song at his funeral because that was Finn. Loyal, empathetic, straight forward and to the point. You never had to wonder where you stood with Finn. He was always there…..just like in the dream. That other presence was just there…..like a sentinel refusing to leave his post.
“I’ll be fine,” Blaine reiterated. Of course he understood why the others didn’t agree with his request to stay behind for a while, in this room that had caused them so much grief….but now? Maybe it had brought about some healing as well.
Unfinished business. That’s what it felt like….like, for whatever reason, there was still something that needed to be dealt with. When the door was closed behind them at last, he surveyed the room, taking a seat on the bed and grasping one of the pillows to his chest.
Did it really matter if it was or wasn’t Finn? In the grand scheme of things he supposed it didn’t, but what he’d witnessed today only brought the lyrics of that song into sharper focus.
This, he realized, was real love. People trying and sometimes failing to love perfectly. Wanting to protect too much or not enough. Wishing people would change and wishing they wouldn’t. Hardly ever seeing yourself for who you were, but positive you knew the other inside and out. The struggle, the intertwining of love and hate….but hanging on anyway. Maybe hanging on too long. Having to let go, to fight, to work at something that everyone thought shouldn’t require work.
Tonio and Javi? They’d been a volatile pair in and outside of their relationship. That volatility had burst into flames on stage, creating the Mateo magic that everyone talked about, and had left too many questions without answers, too many broken hearts and lives when Tonio was abruptly ripped from their world.
Blaine hoped he wasn’t imagining the slightly unstable sense of peace he now felt here. Just an ordinary room that needed painting. He flopped back onto the bed and took a deep breath, closing his eyes.
And just like in the song, they were all standing at a crossroads now. Blaine had a life to live outside this room. He’d walk through that door and do what? He didn’t know for sure, but that was life, wasn’t it? And in his mind he could sense that benevolent presence turning in the opposite direction, away from the dark side. That painful, but inevitable, side of life, lived right alongside those who would do their best to protect you, to come along when you took the uncertain steps into the future, to stand by you whether you knew it or not, whether you wanted them to or not; those who would love you when all you might deserve was their disdain, there to provide real love.
I’LL STAND BY YOU
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you lessI’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry tooWell I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrongI’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
And when
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your ownI’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrong
