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PORTUGUESE: ESCREVA EM!

DESEJO UMA ESTRELA DE NATAL

Javi acordou assustado, apoiando-se nos cotovelos, movendo os olhos descontroladamente ao redor da escuridão. Acariciando a suavidade do cobertor sob a mão, ele finalmente percebeu que havia acordado na segurança de seu próprio quarto. Ainda era metade da noite; Ele tinha um senso inato de tempo, assim como algumas pessoas tinham um senso inato de direção. Eu sabia que era por volta das 2 da manhã. Ainda faltavam muitas horas para que ele tivesse que se levantar.

Virando-se para o lado esquerdo e acomodando-se no calor de seus lençóis e travesseiros fofos, ele não podia realmente ver as estrelas cobrindo o céu negro aveludado através da janela de seu quarto, mas ele sabia que elas estavam lá e podia imaginar seu brilho distante no céu. . Assim como seus sonhos que ninguém além dele e seu amigo mais próximo, Emilio, podiam ver como realidade. A maioria das pessoas, amigos e familiares, parecia tolerar suas palavras quando ele tentava falar seriamente sobre seus sonhos. Mas isso não significava que eles não existissem em algum lugar em um futuro ainda desconhecido … ou que não podiam ou não se tornavam realidade.

Voltando seus pensamentos para o presente, ele podia sentir seus lábios se enrolando em um sorriso satisfeito. Era a época do Natal e eu amava o Natal como nenhum outro feriado no calendário. Foi uma época em que a cidade litorânea ganhou vida com cores vivas, esplendor espetacular e música, às vezes reverente, às vezes estridente, mas sempre alegre! As ruas estavam cheias de multidões de pessoas fantasiadas se preparando para a celebração do centenário da chegada do Menino Jesus.

E durou a maior parte de dezembro e início de janeiro. Ele amava a santidade da festa e a maneira como ela era celebrada na igreja. Às vezes parecia que o mundo inteiro parava e o amor do próprio Deus era sentido com maior intensidade, ali mesmo naquele salão – santuário que eles chamavam – onde os fiéis se reuniam para cantar hinos e cânticos, louvando a Deus por Sua bondade, regozijando-se no maior presente já dado à humanidade: Jesus, a única fonte de suas vidas e de sua salvação.

Mas suas ambições eram o que seus companheiros de igreja, e especialmente sua mãe e seu pai, chamariam de seculares. Desde que se lembrava, Javi ficou intrigado com essa distinção peculiar entre “sagrado” e “secular”. Se Deus criou o mundo, o universo realmente! Não importa o quão falho muitas vezes parecesse, não era sagrado? Ele não tinha tudo, até mesmo as piores coisas que ele poderia imaginar, pelo menos uma pequena centelha do sagrado? E ele acreditava que, onde essa centelha existisse, ela poderia se tornar uma chama, acesa pelo próprio coração de Deus, com a possibilidade de se tornar total e completamente sagrada ao longo do tempo.

E especialmente a música! Eles disseram que o tipo de música que ele desejava fazer não tinha valor espiritual! Nisso, eu sabia que eles estavam mais do que errados; Cada nota que ele cantava, cada letra que ele escrevia se originava nas profundezas de sua alma. Mas, ele não tinha respostas para suas perguntas. Perguntas que provavelmente foram feitas desde tempos imemoriais. No entanto, ele não acreditou por um único minuto que seus sonhos, sua música, seus desejos eram algo diferente de Deus. Eles não eram absolutamente seculares se tal coisa existisse.

Eles o chamavam de sonhador, como se houvesse algo intrinsecamente errado com ele. Eles disseram que ele estava perdendo seu tempo com a cabeça nas nuvens. E sim, ele seria o primeiro a admitir que era, de fato, um sonhador, é claro que era! Uma vida sem sonhos não era nenhum tipo de vida! Suas paixões eram o que o mantinha vivo e o que alimentava seu presente enquanto esperava para dar o passo inevitável em direção ao seu futuro, aquele lugar onde sua vida e destino convergiam, a centelha dada por Deus se transformando em um fogo rugindo. Ele consumiria o mundo com sua música!

Este ano, seus sonhos de Natal o levaram para os Estados Unidos. Ele não perguntou por quê; Ele simplesmente adicionou os sonhos à caixa que mantinha escondida em seu armário, indescritível, para que ninguém soubesse que havia algo importante dentro. A caixa estava cheia de cadernos manuscritos e ornamentos que ele havia coletado ao longo dos anos. Algumas de suas reflexões escritas poderiam se tornar letras de músicas. Parte do conteúdo da caixa só pode estar lá para que você possa olhar para trás e ver onde ela esteve, permitindo que você veja até onde você chegou e até onde você tinha deixado para ir. E Javi ainda não sabia, mas o conteúdo daquela caixa alimentaria sua determinação um dia… Aqueles dias em que ele estava tão desanimado que ele iria querer desistir, quando todas as suas conversas com o mar lhe pareceriam nada mais do que suas próprias imaginações, como se elas nunca tivessem realmente acontecido, essa simples caixa marrom o salvaria.

No México, ou pelo menos em sua parte do México, o Papai Noel não fazia parte de suas celebrações ou de suas tradições… E, claro, o duende imaginário certamente não era sagrado de acordo com seus pais. E Javi sabia que era velho demais para acreditar que o Papai Noel era uma pessoa real. Mas nos EUA, o Papai Noel parecia ser o símbolo mais proeminente do Natal. E os Estados Unidos um dia fariam parte disso. Um delicioso pedaço do seu futuro! Ele amava o México de todo o coração, mas não planejava limitar seu futuro às suas fronteiras. Ele seria uma estrela, não apenas neste cantinho do mundo, mas em todos os cantos do mundo. Não importa quão grande ou pequeno … eles saberiam o nome dele!

¡En los Estados Unidos decoraron enormes pinos con todo tipo de adornos y cadenas de luces brillantes! Podía imaginarse a toda la gente en las iglesias vistiendo sus mejores galas, cantando afinados y desafinados. Las personas a las que llamaban villancicos iban de puerta en puerta llenando el aire frío de la noche dando serenatas a vecinos y extraños por igual. A veces eran canciones con nombres como O Holy Night y otras veces eran canciones como Santa Claus is Coming to Town o I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Javi sonrió en la oscuridad ante eso. Nunca había visto una Navidad blanca más de lo que había visto a Santa Claus.

Pero lo que realmente le gustaba mirar en los libros que leía sobre las Navidades estadounidenses eran todos los regalos alegremente envueltos y, a veces, llamativamente bajo los árboles decorados. Solo podía imaginar lo que podría haber dentro de esas bonitas cajas y bolsas… y en sus sueños cada regalo era para él y contenía todo lo que alguna vez necesitaría o desearía para convertirse en una estrella, casi como si la estrella que estaba en lo alto de ese árbol lo representara a él. .

Y tal vez los regalos representaban lo que necesitaría para llegar a ese lugar en la cima. Tal vez su propio micrófono estaba en una de esas cajas, uno que nunca tendría que compartir con nadie como lo hizo con sus hermanos. ¡O muchos conjuntos elegantes en rojo y negro, sus colores favoritos! O un diccionario inglés-español porque tendría que aprender a hablar el idioma, ¿no? ¡Y tal vez un maestro que lo acompañe! Se cubrió los labios mientras trataba de no reírse demasiado fuerte. ¿Qué tipo de maestro sería lo suficientemente pequeño como para caber en una caja?

Y tal vez todas esas decoraciones representaban algunos de los puntos de apoyo que tendría que usar para escalar su camino hacia la altura de la fama que lo esperaba. Ni una sola vez se detuvo a pensar que algunos de los pasos que tendría que dar podrían ser aburridos, feos o difíciles, o que su “árbol” de la vida real soportaría cualquier cosa menos un ascenso suave sin agujeros entre las ramas donde alguien se había olvidado de colocar un adorno. A pesar de que el mar le había hablado de las pruebas y tribulaciones con las que podría tener que luchar para alcanzar su objetivo, rara vez pensaba en eso, y menos en Navidad.

Al igual que en México, la Navidad en los EE. UU. representó un momento de júbilo, un respiro de la vida ordinaria y mundana que la mayoría vivía. Y para él, una época en la que casi podía olvidar que cuanto más envejecía, más difícil se volvía la vida y más impaciente estaba por irse.

Suspiró, guardando sus deseos navideños en su corazón. Podía sentir sus párpados cada vez más pesados, los restos de la pesadilla que lo había despertado casi habían desaparecido. Mirando por última vez por la ventana, cerró los ojos y susurró una canción infantil que había aprendido hacía mucho tiempo. No era algo que hubiera aprendido de su mamá o papá. De hecho, en realidad no podía recordar dónde lo había aprendido, pero le gustaba recitarlo antes de irse a dormir. La mayoría negaría con la cabeza, como de costumbre, y diría que era el soñador tonto en él, pero no le importaba. Dios hizo las estrellas, ¿verdad? Entonces, ¿qué podría doler desear a uno? Tal vez las estrellas fueron solo otro regalo de Navidad que nadie reconoció.

Luz de estrella, estrella brillante,
Primera estrella que veo esta noche,
Ojalá pudiera, ojalá pudiera,
Ten el deseo que deseo esta noche.

Respirando el silencio y los aromas y sonidos familiares a su alrededor, se volvió a dormir, su mente llena de árboles de Navidad girando entrelazados con recuerdos de las celebraciones pasadas de La Rama y esperando con ansias la celebración de este año, sabiendo que seguramente no sería en los Estados Unidos esta Navidad… pero pronto.

Podía sentir la arena húmeda y arenosa entre los dedos de los pies y las olas espumosas que perseguían sus pies por la orilla. Hizo una pausa, inhalando una profunda bocanada de aire marino, tan familiar, tan reconfortante. Él extrañaría esto, lo sabía, pero por ahora aquí estaba esperando que su amiga y musa, el mar, hablara con él hoy. Decidió dejarse caer en la arena para variar, tal vez construir un castillo de arena, una especie de manifestación física de sus sueños, como lo hacía cuando era niño. Al menos por hoy, estaba libre de la mayoría de las tareas diarias porque su mamá y sus hermanos menores estaban visitando a su tía por el día… o al menos eso pensaba. ¿Por qué no estaba seguro? Sus ojos recorrieron rápidamente su entorno mientras cruzaba las piernas y se sentaba, alcanzando distraídamente un puñado de arena, que parecía convertirse en algo frío y blanco y luego desaparecer. Desconcertado, recogió otro montón de arena y la apretó firmemente entre sus palmas, solo para sentir que se disolvía en un charco de agua fría que goteaba entre sus dedos. ¿Donde estuvo el?

Se dio la vuelta esperando ver el aumento familiar de las dunas detrás de él, pero en su lugar había lo que parecían edificios altos de un kilómetro de altura… ¿y por qué estaba toda esta gente aquí? En esta época del año por lo general tenía la playa para él solo. Un par de niños corrieron frente a él y trató de preguntarles dónde estaba, pero fue como si ni siquiera lo vieran o escucharan. ¡No! ¿Era esta otra pesadilla con la esperanza de interrumpir su sueño otra vez?

Sin embargo, no se sentía como una pesadilla… de hecho, se sentía bastante tranquilo… y a pesar de todos los bañistas y nadadores, no escuchó a nadie hablar en absoluto, incluso con el juego de lo que parecía voleibol de playa que se desarrollaba no muy lejos de donde él estaba sentado. Estaba acostumbrándose a esta sensación extraña, pero no desagradable, cuando escuchó un fuerte chapoteo y sintió las olas golpear sus dedos de los pies. Tragó saliva, sin saber si asustarse o tranquilizarse. Inconscientemente comenzó a alejarse de las olas mirando detrás de él a los edificios, apenas poniéndose de pie para correr cuando se detuvo. Este era el mar, su amigo… su confidente… no un monstruo en un mal sueño. Alejándose de los edificios, volvió a girar la cabeza para mirar la extensión de las olas cambiantes.

Parpadeó para aclarar su visión y plantó sus manos en la arena detrás de él para estabilizarse, parpadeó de nuevo. No estaba asustado… todavía… se dijo a sí mismo, ¡pero ciertamente estaba asombrado! Surgiendo de las profundidades del mar justo en frente de él había un ángel, pero no el tipo de ángel que había visto tantas veces en imágenes o estatuas… este ángel era masculino… la única razón por la que estaba seguro de que era hasta un ángel fue por las alas….¿y él? ¿eso? ¡Estaba vestido con un traje rojo y blanco como el que usaría Santa Claus, completo con un gorro de media, un cinturón negro y botas! Apresuradamente miró a su alrededor de nuevo, esperando encontrar a alguien más con quien compartir esta inexplicable experiencia, pero, de nuevo… nadie pareció notarlo… ni Javi ni el ángel vestido de forma poco convencional.

“Javi”, dijo el ángel Santa con voz profunda, haciéndole señas para que caminara hacia él, “no tengas miedo, amigo, estoy aquí para cumplir tus deseos… espero… o al menos eso era lo que estaba”. dicho. ¡Correcto! Olvidé que no puedes caminar sobre el agua. Lo siento, amigo. El ángel terminó su disculpa mientras caminaba sobre el agua como si no existiera. “¿Por qué estás vestido así?” preguntó Javi antes de pensar, a lo que el ángel respondió: “¡Ho! ¡Ho! ¡Ho! ¿No esperabas a Papá Noel? Aquí, ¿qué tal esto entonces? Papá Noel no tiene mucha ropa de playa…” y mientras el ángel hablaba, el traje de Papá Noel se desvaneció como si nunca hubiera existido solo para ser reemplazado por un ángel musculoso y musculoso con rasgos faciales bien cincelados que vestía viejos jeans azules y una camisa de rejilla negra sin mangas. ¡Javi no pudo evitar reírse! Se parecía a algunos de los muchos atuendos con los que había soñado usar una vez que fuera una estrella que cubrían el marco musculoso que solo podía desear… bueno, al menos en este momento de todos modos. Juró en ese momento que algún día reemplazaría su yo flacucho con un cuerpo como el que tenía el ángel.

“¡Vaya! ¡Así que los reconoces, ya veo!” Javi no tenía ni idea de lo que supuestamente había reconocido. “¡La ropa y el cuerpo!” el ángel se rió entre dientes, girando en círculos para mostrar su atuendo y, por supuesto, su cuerpo. Javi aún no lo entendía….solo podía soñar con…..oh! estaba soñando! ¡Por supuesto! “¡Ven, mi joven amigo!” el ángel gritó con entusiasmo: “¡Déjame mostrarte lo que podría ser tu primer vistazo del gran momento!” sonrió, agarrando la mano de Javi. Bueno, ciertamente era un ángel muy feliz, pensó Javi, y esa sonrisa… era como ver salir el sol… lo había visto antes… le resultaba tan familiar.

Javi no sabía si hablar o callar. Todos los demás a su alrededor no parecían verlos a ninguno de ellos, pero “¿Dónde estamos?” exclamó Javi. “¿Qué? ¿No reconoces otra ciudad junto al mar? Lo has visto muchas veces en imágenes… pero quizás nunca lo hayas soñado… específicamente eso es. Estás en los viejos Estados Unidos, Miami, Florida, para ser exactos… ¡La Ciudad Mágica! ¡La puerta de entrada a las Américas!” Javi lo escuchaba balbucear como una especie de guía turístico. Pero Javi parecía confundido y no escapó a la atención del ángel… “um, si no te gusta, siempre puedo cambiar el lugar. Después de todo, tus deseos y sueños te han conquistado por todas partes. Incluso podemos cambiar de país… ¿Brasil, tal vez? Aunque su deseo más reciente FUE para los EE. UU.…” su voz se apagó, esperando una respuesta.

“¡No! ¡No, Miami está bien, es genial!”. ¡Ay dios mío! ¡Estaba en los Estados Unidos! Miami? ¿Nueva York? ¿California? ¿A quién le importaba? “¡Oh Dios!” el ángel pareció aliviado, “Esperaba que no quisieras ver Indiana o Dakota del Norte o… especialmente Dakota del Norte… hace más frío que…” iba a decir “infierno”, pero considerando el escenario no fue así. Parecía apropiado… y el ángel se dio cuenta de que estaba balbuceando de nuevo justo a tiempo para que Javi le preguntara: “Entonces, ¿tienes un nombre?” No sabía mucho acerca de los ángeles, a excepción de los de la Biblia, y la mayoría de ellos eran mujeres. “¡Bueno, por supuesto que tengo un nombre!” el ángel respondió: “En realidad, tengo muchos nombres, pero para nuestros propósitos, ¿por qué no me llamas simplemente Jack? Ese es un bonito nombre americano”, se rió de nuevo.

Javi sacudió la cabeza como para despejarse. “Ahora, ¿por dónde empezamos, Javi?” el ángel se frotó las manos como anticipando una maravillosa sorpresa. “¿Qué tal aquí?”, Dijo mientras chasqueaba los dedos. Y de repente estaban parados en el lúgubre pasillo de un viejo edificio de apartamentos que necesitaba pintura, mucha pintura. Hmmmm… esto no fue exactamente una sorpresa maravillosa en lo que a Jack se refiere… pero era el sueño de Javi, no el de Jack… Jack hizo sonar un juego de llaves para abrir la puerta chirriante y lo siguiente que Javi supo fue que estaban parados en lo que parecía ser el interior de uno de los apartamentos. Era monótono y destartalado y parecía como si un grupo de chicos pudieran vivir juntos allí. Olía un poco a humedad… pero había un pequeño árbol de Navidad en una esquina que parecía como si alguien realmente hubiera intentado, pero realmente fallado, hacer que el lugar se viera festivo. Y el pobre árbol parecía que no había visto una gota de agua… nunca. De alguna manera le recordaba de dónde venía, excepto que su mamá lo hacía sentir como un hogar y nunca trataría a una planta de la casa de esa manera. Esto no se sentía como nada más que un lugar para dormir entre el trabajo… o lo que sea que hicieras en Miami.

“Pareces un poco decepcionado, quiero decir, sí, no parece mucho, lo sé, pero los sueños no siempre se hacen realidad de inmediato. ¡Deberías saberlo mejor que nadie! Has estado soñando con este lugar durante años… bueno, tal vez no este lugar específicamente”, admitió, notando las telarañas en las esquinas de la habitación, “pero… los Estados Unidos, ¿sí?” Javi no sabía qué decir, así que simplemente asintió y preguntó si podía caminar, echar un vistazo… “¡Por ​​supuesto! Tu habitación es…” señaló una habitación sin puerta a unos dos pasos de distancia, y Javi se asomó por la pared solo para encontrar un colchón en el suelo que obviamente había visto días mejores y un par de almohadas. Suspiró, al menos las habitaciones estaban limpias… supuso.

El ángel se sentía un poco triste por Javi y se esforzaba por no demostrarlo, pero no era el trabajo de Jack conceder deseos necesariamente. Por lo general, ese era el trabajo de Randy, pero lo llamaron en el último segundo en una misión de deseo de emergencia, y le pidieron a Jack que interviniera porque necesitaba la experiencia… en la presentación de concesión de deseos, eso es. Tal vez había sido un poco engañoso sobre esa parte. El trabajo de Jack era mostrarle a Javi dónde podrían comenzar sus sueños… y tal vez dónde podrían terminar. Nada de eso fue decisión suya. En ese sentido, Destiny tenía sus propias ideas y planes de los que no estaba al tanto.

“Seguimos adelante”, dijo Jack, aclarándose la garganta, con la esperanza de que tal vez la siguiente parada fuera un poco más del agrado de Javi. Revoloteando sus alas, tomó la mano de Javi entre las suyas nuevamente. Javi apenas había pestañeado… y estaban de nuevo en la acera. El edificio no se veía tan mal como lo recordaba desde el exterior, pero tal vez eso se debió al regreso del aire fresco y la luz del sol que tanto necesitaba. Tenía la esperanza ferviente de que si esto era parte de su destino, sería solo por un corto tiempo… en realidad, muy poco tiempo. Trató de recordar lo que había estado leyendo acerca de que todo en la vida es una experiencia de aprendizaje para el bien… lo estaba intentando, pero no lo estaba logrando muy bien en este momento.

Las cavilaciones de Javi se vieron interrumpidas cuando se dio cuenta de que ahora estaban en otra acera. ¡Aparentemente, esta aventura no se trataba de pasar mucho tiempo en la playa! pensó para sí mismo, tratando de restarle importancia a la situación.

Pero esta acera parecía estar en peor estado que la que acababan de dejar, agrietada y rota, con suciedad, botellas rotas y latas de cerveza vacías esparcidas por todas partes. Levantando los ojos del suelo, esperaba que este edificio se viera mejor que su entorno.

El establecimiento parecía ser una cantina grande, pero poco atractiva, y por lo que podían escuchar desde afuera, muy ruidosa, y de repente a Javi se le ocurrió que el atardecer se había vuelto oscuro… pero no podía ver las estrellas, demasiadas luces de la ciudad.

“¿Listo?” preguntó Jack, esperando que realmente lo fuera. Sin embargo, esto tampoco parecía muy prometedor y, para empeorar las cosas, ¡se llamaba Jack’s Place! Esperaba que Javi no se hubiera dado cuenta. Tal vez necesitaba ver si había algún trabajo disponible que a veces no fuera tan decepcionante. A nadie le gustó ver este lado de sus sueños, pero era necesario… porque si no podían manejar este lado de sus sueños, entonces nunca llegarían a la cima de sus sueños… pero nadie alguna vez quise escuchar esa parte. Incluso los que se creían preparados, como Javi. Sí, Javi escuchaba al mar, pero interiorizar y abrazar lo que le decía el mar era otra cosa.

Bueno, ¡al menos el lugar estaba alegremente decorado por dentro! Se parecía mucho a gran parte de México, las paredes pintadas en colores primarios vivos y brillantes, absolutamente nada como el departamento que acababan de dejar. Javi no sabía qué pensar. Nunca, nunca había estado en una cantina. Estaba a años de cumplir los 18, aunque a menudo deseaba que esos años pasaran solo para poder estar… ¿aquí? Hmmm… aquí… ¿es esto lo que realmente estaba esperando? Respiró hondo, inhalando el humo del tabaco de segunda mano y lo que supuso que era el olor a cerveza rancia. ¡Ciertamente no fue muy inspirador!

Jack exclamó: “¡Genial, es viernes por la noche! ¡Parece una gran multitud! Ya sabes, Javi…”. Jack se inclinó como para confiarle un secreto a Javi, pero luego se detuvo. Decirle que la mayoría de las noches de la semana no eran nada como esto, sino que estaban muertas como un clavo de la puerta, no lo alentaría en absoluto, “um, ¿tal vez deberíamos tomar asiento?”

Javi miró a su alrededor de nuevo. Era obvio que una banda estaba tocando esta noche. Todo estaba montado en el diminuto escenario… el diminuto escenario. Y Javi quería estar cerca de la banda. Hasta ahora, eso era lo único que realmente le interesaba en esta habitación llena de estridencias. Jack le pidió un trago y a nadie parecía importarle que pudiera no tener 18 años, ¡pero lo que sea que Jack pidiera sabía horrible! Él preguntó: “¿No vas a beber algo?” Jack se rió entre dientes: “¡Oh, los ángeles no beben, no es necesario que lo hagamos! ¿Qué tal esa cerveza? preguntó como si fuera perfectamente normal que Javi bebiera alcohol. “Bien, supongo,” murmuró, no queriendo insultarlo… ¡y además era un sueño! Con suerte, nunca tendría que beberlo en el mundo real.

La banda llegó justo a tiempo, a las 10:00 en punto, se tomó unos minutos para afinar y comenzó el set con un poco de rock alborotador. ¡Al principio, Javi estaba emocionado! No podía escuchar bandas en vivo como esta en casa. Los veía en la televisión cada vez que tenía la oportunidad, pero la mayor parte de la música en vivo a la que estaba expuesto era en la iglesia. ¡Este fue un gran ejemplo del tipo de música que anhelaba crear! Pero luego, después de unos 45 minutos, miró a su alrededor y se dio cuenta de que casi nadie estaba prestando atención. Y los aplausos fueron escasos, si no inexistentes. ¡Los chicos de la banda no parecían ni la mitad de molestos que Javi! En realidad, no parecían molestos en absoluto. Después de un breve descanso, tomándose el tiempo para reponer lo que estaban bebiendo, continuaron justo donde lo habían dejado, a veces aceptando solicitudes… ¡pero incluso entonces casi nadie parecía darse cuenta!

¡Estos muchachos cantaban y tocaban con todo su corazón y a nadie parecía importarle! De acuerdo, un par de personas se levantaban y bailaban con las canciones que habían pedido, pero por lo demás, era como si la banda fuera casi invisible… ¿tal vez lo eran? Fue un sueño… ¿no? Se volvió hacia Jack como si pudiera leer la mente de Javi y tuviera la respuesta a la falta de atención de la multitud. Jack estaba tamborileando con los dedos al ritmo de la música, pero cuando vio la mirada perpleja de Javi, simplemente se encogió de hombros. ¡Después de todo, él tampoco lo entendió! ¡Estos chicos eran buenos! Otro inconveniente de su trabajo… pero no podía explicar lo que no entendía… y no podían irse. Su asignación decía específicamente que tenían que quedarse hasta que cerrara el bar.

Javi no parecía estar disfrutando mucho de su cerveza y Jack le preguntó si quería algo más. La cerveza obviamente estaba tibia ahora. “Sí, un vaso de agua”, respondió bastante abatido. Al regresar con el agua de Javi, Jack se dio cuenta de que ¡este desastre casi había terminado! ¡Gracias a Dios en el cielo, fue el último set! Tomando un trago de agua para quitarse el sabor a cerveza caliente, Javi siguió mirando sintiéndose más enojado y triste con cada canción que tocaban. ¿Y ahora? ¿Ahora que la mitad de la multitud obviamente estaba borracha? ¡Ahora se levantaban para bailar con un puñado de aplausos!

Cuando Jack escuchó, “última llamada”, miró a Javi, “¿Listo para ir, niño?” preguntó. Javi parecía casi agradecido, como si hubiera estado listo hace dos sets y medio. Le preguntó a Jack si tenía dinero en efectivo. Obviamente estaba pagando las bebidas de Javi con algo. Jack no tuvo que preguntar para qué lo quería Javi. Le entregó $5, más dinero del que jamás había visto Javi. Javi se acercó al tarro de propinas de la banda y dejó caer los $ 5. Quería hacerles preguntas como, “¿siempre es así?” o “¿Cuánto tiempo has estado haciendo esto?” pero no lo hizo. El guitarrista que parecía cansado lo miró a los ojos y sonrió, dándole un pulgar hacia arriba, como si Javi necesitara el estímulo más que él.

“¿Cuál es la próxima parada?” preguntó Javi, no muy seguro de querer que hubiera uno. Hasta ahora, los EE. UU., incluso en Navidad, no parecían ser nada como él imaginaba. Claro, había edificios decorados, por dentro y por fuera. Pero, se recordó a sí mismo, todo lo que había visto hasta ahora era un edificio de apartamentos donde supuestamente vivía, una cantina bastante anodina y deprimente y el Océano Atlántico. “Sabes, Javi, las cosas buenas vienen de a tres, ¿no?” Javi asintió, esperando que el dicho fuera realmente cierto. Si las cosas buenas venían de tres en tres, entonces esto… fuera lo que fuera… ¿solo podía mejorar? Y los dos últimos escenarios no eran exactamente lo que él llamaría buenos, pero…

Jack esperaba que la siguiente parada fuera tal vez más alentadora. ¡Si empeorara, definitivamente tendría que buscar trabajo en una nube diferente! Sin embargo, una cosa era segura: ¡nunca volvería a ocupar el lugar de Randy! Si esto era realmente lo que se esperaba de él, ¡no era mucho mejor que el trabajo habitual de Jack!

Bien, ¡suficiente de esto! A… miró las instrucciones que le habían dado. Hmmmm… ahora esto podría ser un poco más como Javi esperaba que comenzara su carrera… más o menos. Según el currículum de destino de Javi, era cantante y compositor. No tocaba ningún instrumento. Su voz era su único instrumento. Pero… Jack sonrió mientras seguía leyendo… ¡Parecía que los rasgos de personalidad de Javi estaban fuera de las listas sísmicas! Javi aún no lo sabía, ¡pero era capaz de convertir lo negativo en positivo mejor que casi todas las personas de este loco planeta! ¡Tanto por delante de él! Vaya, su carisma y apariencia… Jack se maravilló… pero tendría que convertirse en eso y mucho más. Supongo que debería haber leído esto antes, pensó Jack, pero Randy había ido y venido antes de que tuviera la oportunidad…

“¡Abre los ojos, Javi!” ¡Javi ni siquiera se había dado cuenta de que los había cerrado! Pero abrió su ojo izquierdo, medio asustado de lo que pudiera ver.

¡Guau! ¡Simplemente guau! Javi pensó mientras abría ambos ojos, ¿dónde estaban? Había visto fotos como esta… ¿el oeste de los Estados Unidos? (supuso). ¡Aunque todavía estaba soñando! ¡Quizás Jack había decidido llevarlo a un país completamente diferente! Jack se rió como si supiera exactamente lo que estaba pensando Javi. “Sigue siendo Estados Unidos, Javi….a solo un par de miles de kilómetros de Miami….¡y mira!”. Dijo señalando un cartel que decía Anfiteatro Red Rocks. ¡Por supuesto! Había visto muchas fotos y leído sobre las bandas que tocaban aquí… ¡y luego se dio cuenta de que podía leer en inglés!

Esto parecía mucho más prometedor que todo lo que había visto en Miami, incluso el Océano Atlántico… aunque aquí hacía un poco de frío. Tratando de ignorar la piel de gallina en sus brazos, notó que estaban mirando los asientos del anfiteatro desde el escenario. Sintió el calor de un brazo alrededor de su hombro… “¡Emilio!” gritó, pero Emilio parecía no darse cuenta, como si Javi y Jack no existieran. ¡Empezaba a preguntarse si existían! “¿Qué está haciendo él aquí?” Javi le susurró a Jack. Jack señaló una etiqueta que colgaba del bolsillo de la camisa de Emilio. Sobre el nombre y la foto de Emilio había una sola palabra, “Gerente”.

¿Qué? Todas las veces que habían hablado de que Emilio era el mánager de Javi… y Javi no estaba seguro de que alguna vez se lo hubiera tomado en serio. Quería que todos creyeran en sus sueños, pero ¿realmente nunca había creído en los sueños de Emilio? Pero antes de que pudiera decir nada, Emilio había desaparecido.

¿Qué fue lo siguiente? el se preguntó. Javi volvió su atención a la perorata de Jack con su voz de guía turístico, preguntándose qué se había perdido.

“¡Sí! Casi 10.000 asientos, Javi… ¡y están esperando a que se llenen de fans!”. Jack hizo un gesto grandilocuente hacia los asientos aún vacíos. “¿Tengo 10,000 fanáticos?” Javi chilló. “Bueno, no TÚ exactamente…” Jack trató de retroceder, “Quiero decir, no eres la estrella… todavía no… eres solo el acto de apertura”, deseando no haber enfatizado la palabra “solo”. “Estás abriendo para Magneto… bueno, en realidad eres uno de los teloneros…”

Javi lo interrumpió, “¿Magneto? ¿Estoy abriendo para Magneto? ¡Para Javi eso fue casi tan emocionante como ser el acto de apertura! O uno de ellos de todos modos. Jack había dejado de hablar y miraba el cielo con inquietud. Había comenzado a ponerse gris… ¡Por favor, no! No una tormenta. ¡Este fue uno de los peores sueños de los que jamás se le había encomendado ser parte! Pero Javi parecía totalmente inconsciente de ello… y tal vez simplemente pasaría. No parecía tan amenazante… todavía no de todos modos. Quizá pudiera sacar a Javi del escenario antes de que se diera cuenta. Alcanzó la mano temblorosa de Javi y chasqueó en silencio los dedos de su mano derecha.

La escena cambió de nuevo cuando Javi se encontró en lo que supuso que era el vestidor más genial que jamás había visto, ¡construido justo en las polvorientas rocas rojas! Por supuesto, los únicos vestidores que había visto estaban en la iglesia de su casa, pero aun así… y luego se vio en el espejo de cuerpo entero pegado a la parte trasera de la puerta. “Jacobo….” él jadeó, “¿Dónde están estos… estos…” “¡Oh! ¿La ropa?” “¡Y el sombrero!”, susurró Javi. ¡Nunca había usado un sombrero como este en toda su vida! “Bueno, no podrías salir en pijama ahora, ¿verdad?” Y entonces Javi se dio cuenta de que la ropa de Jack también había cambiado. La red negra había desaparecido junto con los jeans desteñidos, ¡pero no estaba vestido como Javi! Javi se reía de sí mismo mientras miraba de un lado a otro su atuendo. ¡Se sentía como un pavo real! ¡Y le encantó! Una chaqueta de cuero roja con cremalleras brillantes sobre una camisa negra carbón y un par de pantalones de cuero ajustados con botines a juego. Pero el sombrero era su parte favorita. ¿Quién sabía que podía verse tan bien con un sombrero? ¡Ciertamente nunca podría vestirse así en casa!

Y luego, de repente, escuchó el estallido de un trueno… pero él estaba afuera… el camerino se había desvanecido… no estaba lloviendo… ¿por qué las cosas se movían tan rápido?… Jack sintió su miedo y trató de calmar las cosas. abajo. Ahí….eso fue un poco mejor.

Javi estaba en el escenario y podía sentir la conmoción a su alrededor. Estaban haciendo pruebas de sonido… y alguien lo llamaba por su nombre. ¡El guitarrista de la banda en la cantina! ¡Era su voz! Javi sostenía un micrófono en la mano, ¿de dónde había salido eso? – estaba cantando, pero no podía oír su voz. Sin embargo, estaba armonizando con alguien… y escuchó el débil sonido del piano. Y había gente en el anfiteatro. A veces diez, a veces mil y luego tal vez cinco mil… y luego se habían ido… pero aún podía escuchar los aplausos a veces… y voces desafinadas cantando letras que aparentemente les eran familiares. ¿Conocían sus canciones? Siguió tratando de ver quién estaba en el escenario con él, pero todo lo que podía distinguir era su ropa… o sus voces a veces… y luego estaban haciendo una reverencia… alguien tenía un brazo alrededor de su hombro otra vez, pero no era t Emilio……¿dónde estaba Jack? Quería contarle todo sobre esto… pero ¿no debería Jack ya saberlo?…

“¡Javi!” Volvió a escuchar su nombre. No era el guitarrista… y no era quienquiera que haya estado armonizando… tenía que ser Jack. Pero la criatura que apareció ante él definitivamente era alguien a quien nunca llamaría Jack. El ángel era tan ancho como el cielo, casi resplandeciente, sus alas brillaban como oro macizo. Estaba tan aturdido que no sabía qué decir o hacer. “¡Javi!” el ángel retumbó de nuevo, “¡Toma esto! ¡Este es tu destino y el de ellos!” ¿De quién es el destino? Quiénes eran”?

Cuando Javi se despertó, se encontró acostado boca arriba con el brazo extendido como si tratara de… ¡no sabía! Un ángel llamado Jack había puesto con reverencia algo en su mano, pero ¿qué? No tenía nada en la mano. Bueno, por supuesto, no tenía nada en la mano, ¡era un sueño! se castigó a sí mismo. Anhelaba volver al sueño tan vívido, pero sabía que no podía. Entonces, en lugar de eso, se tomó unos momentos para reorientarse, buscó el cuaderno gastado debajo de su cama para registrar el sueño antes de que desapareciera en su psique y se perdiera para siempre. Nadie estaba despierto todavía, pero no pasaría mucho tiempo.

Habiendo terminado de detallar el sueño, colocó el cuaderno a su lado sobre la cama y cerró los ojos por unos minutos más. Nada que nadie pudiera regalarle para Navidad este año sería mejor que ese sueño, por enrevesado que fuera. ¿Qué significó todo? Trató de dejar de lado los dos primeros escenarios, sin querer pensar en esa parte de su destino. Estaría viviendo esa parte muy pronto, siempre se decía a sí mismo, así que trató de concentrarse en el final del sueño. ¡La ropa! ¡El sombrero! ¡El escenario frente a 10.000 fans! Y la banda. Siempre supo que necesitaría una banda de algún tipo, pero siempre se había imaginado a sí mismo como un solista, sin compartir el escenario con nadie, todos los ojos puestos en él. Había compartido el escenario con sus hermanos toda su vida. Hmmmm…..

Apartó las sábanas, de mala gana desviando su atención del sueño a la tarea que aún tenía que terminar antes de ir a la escuela. Como siempre, llevó la libreta al armario y apartó la ropa y los zapatos para encontrar la caja. No quería que nadie leyera sus pensamientos y sueños mientras no estaba.

Levantó la tapa de cartón que había visto días mejores y un destello de luz llamó su atención. No podía ver muy bien en el armario, así que levantó la mano para encender la luz que colgaba del techo. La caja se llenó de luz y también lo hicieron los ojos de Javi cuando levantó una y luego dos y luego una tercera estrella dorada de la caja. Los colocó con cuidado en el suelo a su lado. ¡Estos no eran suyos! Ciertamente no los había puesto aquí. ¿Que esta pasando?

Examinó el frente de cada uno de cerca, pero no vio nada particularmente especial en ellos y casi los vuelve a poner en la caja planeando inspeccionarlos más de cerca después de llegar a casa de la escuela… pero su curiosidad pudo más que él. , así que les dio la vuelta. Una delicada inicial en filigrana estaba grabada en el centro de cada estrella.

Cogió con cuidado el que tenía una J. ¿Asumió que era para él? *** ¿Pero quién o qué era A y R? ¿FRASCO? ¿Las cosas buenas vienen de tres en tres? “¿Jacobo?” susurró nerviosamente. Se sentía ridículo, pero tal vez… solo tal vez… obtendría una respuesta. Esperó tan silenciosamente como pudo, esperando contra toda esperanza, pero nada. Después de la escuela, hacía un viaje rápido a la playa. Quizás el mar hablaría de nuevo. Quizás.

Pero en este momento todo lo que escuchó fueron gotas de lluvia… golpeando contra la ventana de su habitación… y el estruendo de un trueno… sacudió la cabeza y suspiró, guardando cuidadosamente las estrellas doradas para otro día… otra vez… lejos, lejos de esta ciudad junto al mar.

Em outras histórias que escrevi, incluí uma banda com três integrantes, Javi, Antonio e Rodrigo.

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DESEO A UNA ESTRELLA DE NAVIDAD

Javi se despertó sobresaltado, apoyándose en los codos, moviendo sus ojos salvajemente alrededor de la penumbra. Acariciando la suavidad de la cobija bajo su mano, finalmente se dio cuenta de que había despertado en la seguridad de su propio dormitorio. Todavía era la mitad de la noche; tenía un sentido innato del tiempo al igual que algunas personas tenían un sentido innato de la dirección. Sabía que eran alrededor de las 2 a.m. Todavía faltaban muchas horas para que tuviera que levantarse.

Dándose la vuelta sobre su lado izquierdo y acomodándose en la calidez de sus sábanas y almohadas esponjosas, en realidad no podía ver las estrellas que cubrían el cielo negro aterciopelado a través de la ventana de su habitación, pero sabía que estaban allí y podía imaginar su brillo lejano en el cielo. . Al igual que sus sueños que nadie más que él y su amigo más cercano, Emilio, pudieron ver como realidad. La mayoría de las personas, amigos y familiares por igual, parecían tolerar sus palabras cuando trataba de hablar seriamente sobre sus sueños. Pero eso no significaba que no existieran en algún lugar en un futuro aún desconocido… o que no pudieran o no se hicieran realidad.

Volviendo sus pensamientos al presente, pudo sentir que sus labios se curvaban en una sonrisa satisfecha. Era la temporada navideña y amaba la Navidad como no amaba ninguna otra fiesta en el calendario. Fue una época en la que la ciudad junto al mar cobró vida con colores vivos, esplendor espectacular y música, a veces reverente, a veces estridente, ¡pero siempre alegre! Las calles se llenaron de multitudes de personas disfrazadas que se preparaban para la centenaria celebración de la llegada del Niño Jesús.

Y duró la mayor parte de diciembre y principios de enero. Le encantaba la santidad de la fiesta y la forma en que se celebraba en la iglesia. A veces se sentía como si el mundo entero se detuviera y el amor de Dios mismo se sintiera con mayor intensidad, allí mismo, en ese salón -santuario lo llamaban- donde los fieles se reunían para cantar himnos y villancicos, alabando a Dios por su bondad, regocijándose en el regalo más grande jamás dado a la humanidad: Jesús, la única fuente de sus vidas y su salvación.

Pero sus ambiciones eran lo que sus compañeros miembros de la iglesia, y especialmente su madre y su padre, llamarían seculares. Desde que tenía memoria, Javi se había sentido desconcertado por esta peculiar distinción entre “sagrado” y “secular”. Si Dios creó el mundo, ¡el universo realmente! no importa cuán defectuoso pareciera a menudo, ¿no era sagrado? ¿No tenía todo, incluso las peores cosas que podía imaginar, al menos una pequeña chispa de lo sagrado? Y creía que donde existía esa chispa, podía convertirse en una llama, encendida por el propio corazón de Dios, con la posibilidad de volverse total y completamente sagrada con el tiempo.

¡Y sobre todo música! ¡Dijeron que el tipo de música que anhelaba hacer no tenía ningún valor espiritual! En esto, sabía que estaban más que equivocados; cada nota que cantó, cada letra que escribió se originó en lo más profundo de su alma. Pero, no tenía respuestas para sus preguntas. Preguntas que probablemente se habían hecho desde tiempos inmemoriales. Sin embargo, no creyó ni por un solo minuto que sus sueños, su música, sus deseos fueran otra cosa que Dios. No eran absolutamente seculares si tal cosa existiera.

Lo llamaron soñador, como si hubiera algo intrínsecamente malo en ello. Dijeron que estaba perdiendo el tiempo con la cabeza en las nubes. Y sí, él sería el primero en admitir que era, de hecho, un soñador, ¡por supuesto que lo era! ¡Una vida sin sueños no era ningún tipo de vida en absoluto! Sus pasiones eran lo que lo mantenía vivo y lo que alimentaba su presente mientras esperaba dar el paso inevitable hacia su futuro, ese lugar donde convergían su vida y su destino, la chispa dada por Dios convirtiéndose en un fuego rugiente. ¡Él consumiría al mundo con su música!

Este año sus sueños navideños lo llevaron a los Estados Unidos. No preguntó por qué; simplemente agregó los sueños a la caja que guardaba escondida en su armario, anodino, para que nadie supiera que había algo importante dentro. La caja estaba llena de cuadernos escritos a mano y adornos que había coleccionado a lo largo de los años. Algunas de sus reflexiones escritas podrían convertirse en letras de canciones. Es posible que parte del contenido de la caja solo esté allí para que pueda mirar hacia atrás y ver dónde había estado, permitiéndole ver qué tan lejos había llegado y cuánto le quedaba por recorrer. Y Javi aún no lo sabía, pero el contenido de esa caja alimentaría su determinación algún día… esos días en que estaba tan desanimado que querría darse por vencido, cuando todas sus conversaciones con el mar le parecerían nada más que sus propias imaginaciones, como si en realidad nunca hubieran sucedido, esta simple caja marrón lo salvaría.

En México, o al menos en su parte de México, Santa Claus no era parte de sus celebraciones o sus tradiciones… y por supuesto, el duende imaginario ciertamente no era sagrado según sus padres. Y Javi sabía que era demasiado mayor para creer que Papá Noel era una persona real. Pero en los EE. UU., Papá Noel parecía ser el símbolo más destacado de la Navidad. Y los Estados Unidos serían una parte de él algún día. ¡Una deliciosa pieza de su futuro! Amaba a México con todo su corazón, pero no planeaba limitar su futuro a sus fronteras. Iba a ser una estrella, no solo en este pequeño rincón del mundo, sino en todos los rincones del mundo. No importa cuán grande o pequeño sea… ¡sabrían su nombre!

¡En los Estados Unidos decoraron enormes pinos con todo tipo de adornos y cadenas de luces brillantes! Podía imaginarse a toda la gente en las iglesias vistiendo sus mejores galas, cantando afinados y desafinados. Las personas a las que llamaban villancicos iban de puerta en puerta llenando el aire frío de la noche dando serenatas a vecinos y extraños por igual. A veces eran canciones con nombres como O Holy Night y otras veces eran canciones como Santa Claus is Coming to Town o I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Javi sonrió en la oscuridad ante eso. Nunca había visto una Navidad blanca más de lo que había visto a Santa Claus.

Pero lo que realmente le gustaba mirar en los libros que leía sobre las Navidades estadounidenses eran todos los regalos alegremente envueltos y, a veces, llamativamente bajo los árboles decorados. Solo podía imaginar lo que podría haber dentro de esas bonitas cajas y bolsas… y en sus sueños cada regalo era para él y contenía todo lo que alguna vez necesitaría o desearía para convertirse en una estrella, casi como si la estrella que estaba en lo alto de ese árbol lo representara a él. .

Y tal vez los regalos representaban lo que necesitaría para llegar a ese lugar en la cima. Tal vez su propio micrófono estaba en una de esas cajas, uno que nunca tendría que compartir con nadie como lo hizo con sus hermanos. ¡O muchos conjuntos elegantes en rojo y negro, sus colores favoritos! O un diccionario inglés-español porque tendría que aprender a hablar el idioma, ¿no? ¡Y tal vez un maestro que lo acompañe! Se cubrió los labios mientras trataba de no reírse demasiado fuerte. ¿Qué tipo de maestro sería lo suficientemente pequeño como para caber en una caja?

Y tal vez todas esas decoraciones representaban algunos de los puntos de apoyo que tendría que usar para escalar su camino hacia la altura de la fama que lo esperaba. Ni una sola vez se detuvo a pensar que algunos de los pasos que tendría que dar podrían ser aburridos, feos o difíciles, o que su “árbol” de la vida real soportaría cualquier cosa menos un ascenso suave sin agujeros entre las ramas donde alguien se había olvidado de colocar un adorno. A pesar de que el mar le había hablado de las pruebas y tribulaciones con las que podría tener que luchar para alcanzar su objetivo, rara vez pensaba en eso, y menos en Navidad.

Al igual que en México, la Navidad en los EE. UU. representó un momento de júbilo, un respiro de la vida ordinaria y mundana que la mayoría vivía. Y para él, una época en la que casi podía olvidar que cuanto más envejecía, más difícil se volvía la vida y más impaciente estaba por irse.

Suspiró, guardando sus deseos navideños en su corazón. Podía sentir sus párpados cada vez más pesados, los restos de la pesadilla que lo había despertado casi habían desaparecido. Mirando por última vez por la ventana, cerró los ojos y susurró una canción infantil que había aprendido hacía mucho tiempo. No era algo que hubiera aprendido de su mamá o papá. De hecho, en realidad no podía recordar dónde lo había aprendido, pero le gustaba recitarlo antes de irse a dormir. La mayoría negaría con la cabeza, como de costumbre, y diría que era el soñador tonto en él, pero no le importaba. Dios hizo las estrellas, ¿verdad? Entonces, ¿qué podría doler desear a uno? Tal vez las estrellas fueron solo otro regalo de Navidad que nadie reconoció.

Luz de estrella, estrella brillante,
Primera estrella que veo esta noche,
Ojalá pudiera, ojalá pudiera,
Ten el deseo que deseo esta noche.

Respirando el silencio y los aromas y sonidos familiares a su alrededor, se volvió a dormir, su mente llena de árboles de Navidad girando entrelazados con recuerdos de las celebraciones pasadas de La Rama y esperando con ansias la celebración de este año, sabiendo que seguramente no sería en los Estados Unidos esta Navidad… pero pronto.

Podía sentir la arena húmeda y arenosa entre los dedos de los pies y las olas espumosas que perseguían sus pies por la orilla. Hizo una pausa, inhalando una profunda bocanada de aire marino, tan familiar, tan reconfortante. Él extrañaría esto, lo sabía, pero por ahora aquí estaba esperando que su amiga y musa, el mar, hablara con él hoy. Decidió dejarse caer en la arena para variar, tal vez construir un castillo de arena, una especie de manifestación física de sus sueños, como lo hacía cuando era niño. Al menos por hoy, estaba libre de la mayoría de las tareas diarias porque su mamá y sus hermanos menores estaban visitando a su tía por el día… o al menos eso pensaba. ¿Por qué no estaba seguro? Sus ojos recorrieron rápidamente su entorno mientras cruzaba las piernas y se sentaba, alcanzando distraídamente un puñado de arena, que parecía convertirse en algo frío y blanco y luego desaparecer. Desconcertado, recogió otro montón de arena y la apretó firmemente entre sus palmas, solo para sentir que se disolvía en un charco de agua fría que goteaba entre sus dedos. ¿Donde estuvo el?

Se dio la vuelta esperando ver el aumento familiar de las dunas detrás de él, pero en su lugar había lo que parecían edificios altos de un kilómetro de altura… ¿y por qué estaba toda esta gente aquí? En esta época del año por lo general tenía la playa para él solo. Un par de niños corrieron frente a él y trató de preguntarles dónde estaba, pero fue como si ni siquiera lo vieran o escucharan. ¡No! ¿Era esta otra pesadilla con la esperanza de interrumpir su sueño otra vez?

Sin embargo, no se sentía como una pesadilla… de hecho, se sentía bastante tranquilo… y a pesar de todos los bañistas y nadadores, no escuchó a nadie hablar en absoluto, incluso con el juego de lo que parecía voleibol de playa que se desarrollaba no muy lejos de donde él estaba sentado. Estaba acostumbrándose a esta sensación extraña, pero no desagradable, cuando escuchó un fuerte chapoteo y sintió las olas golpear sus dedos de los pies. Tragó saliva, sin saber si asustarse o tranquilizarse. Inconscientemente comenzó a alejarse de las olas mirando detrás de él a los edificios, apenas poniéndose de pie para correr cuando se detuvo. Este era el mar, su amigo… su confidente… no un monstruo en un mal sueño. Alejándose de los edificios, volvió a girar la cabeza para mirar la extensión de las olas cambiantes.

Parpadeó para aclarar su visión y plantó sus manos en la arena detrás de él para estabilizarse, parpadeó de nuevo. No estaba asustado… todavía… se dijo a sí mismo, ¡pero ciertamente estaba asombrado! Surgiendo de las profundidades del mar justo en frente de él había un ángel, pero no el tipo de ángel que había visto tantas veces en imágenes o estatuas… este ángel era masculino… la única razón por la que estaba seguro de que era hasta un ángel fue por las alas….¿y él? ¿eso? ¡Estaba vestido con un traje rojo y blanco como el que usaría Santa Claus, completo con un gorro de media, un cinturón negro y botas! Apresuradamente miró a su alrededor de nuevo, esperando encontrar a alguien más con quien compartir esta inexplicable experiencia, pero, de nuevo… nadie pareció notarlo… ni Javi ni el ángel vestido de forma poco convencional.

“Javi”, dijo el ángel Santa con voz profunda, haciéndole señas para que caminara hacia él, “no tengas miedo, amigo, estoy aquí para cumplir tus deseos… espero… o al menos eso era lo que estaba”. dicho. ¡Correcto! Olvidé que no puedes caminar sobre el agua. Lo siento, amigo. El ángel terminó su disculpa mientras caminaba sobre el agua como si no existiera. “¿Por qué estás vestido así?” preguntó Javi antes de pensar, a lo que el ángel respondió: “¡Ho! ¡Ho! ¡Ho! ¿No esperabas a Papá Noel? Aquí, ¿qué tal esto entonces? Papá Noel no tiene mucha ropa de playa…” y mientras el ángel hablaba, el traje de Papá Noel se desvaneció como si nunca hubiera existido solo para ser reemplazado por un ángel musculoso y musculoso con rasgos faciales bien cincelados que vestía viejos jeans azules y una camisa de rejilla negra sin mangas. ¡Javi no pudo evitar reírse! Se parecía a algunos de los muchos atuendos con los que había soñado usar una vez que fuera una estrella que cubrían el marco musculoso que solo podía desear… bueno, al menos en este momento de todos modos. Juró en ese momento que algún día reemplazaría su yo flacucho con un cuerpo como el que tenía el ángel.

“¡Vaya! ¡Así que los reconoces, ya veo!” Javi no tenía ni idea de lo que supuestamente había reconocido. “¡La ropa y el cuerpo!” el ángel se rió entre dientes, girando en círculos para mostrar su atuendo y, por supuesto, su cuerpo. Javi aún no lo entendía….solo podía soñar con…..oh! estaba soñando! ¡Por supuesto! “¡Ven, mi joven amigo!” el ángel gritó con entusiasmo: “¡Déjame mostrarte lo que podría ser tu primer vistazo del gran momento!” sonrió, agarrando la mano de Javi. Bueno, ciertamente era un ángel muy feliz, pensó Javi, y esa sonrisa… era como ver salir el sol… lo había visto antes… le resultaba tan familiar.

Javi no sabía si hablar o callar. Todos los demás a su alrededor no parecían verlos a ninguno de ellos, pero “¿Dónde estamos?” exclamó Javi. “¿Qué? ¿No reconoces otra ciudad junto al mar? Lo has visto muchas veces en imágenes… pero quizás nunca lo hayas soñado… específicamente eso es. Estás en los viejos Estados Unidos, Miami, Florida, para ser exactos… ¡La Ciudad Mágica! ¡La puerta de entrada a las Américas!” Javi lo escuchaba balbucear como una especie de guía turístico. Pero Javi parecía confundido y no escapó a la atención del ángel… “um, si no te gusta, siempre puedo cambiar el lugar. Después de todo, tus deseos y sueños te han conquistado por todas partes. Incluso podemos cambiar de país… ¿Brasil, tal vez? Aunque su deseo más reciente FUE para los EE. UU.…” su voz se apagó, esperando una respuesta.

“¡No! ¡No, Miami está bien, es genial!”. ¡Ay dios mío! ¡Estaba en los Estados Unidos! Miami? ¿Nueva York? ¿California? ¿A quién le importaba? “¡Oh Dios!” el ángel pareció aliviado, “Esperaba que no quisieras ver Indiana o Dakota del Norte o… especialmente Dakota del Norte… hace más frío que…” iba a decir “infierno”, pero considerando el escenario no fue así. Parecía apropiado… y el ángel se dio cuenta de que estaba balbuceando de nuevo justo a tiempo para que Javi le preguntara: “Entonces, ¿tienes un nombre?” No sabía mucho acerca de los ángeles, a excepción de los de la Biblia, y la mayoría de ellos eran mujeres. “¡Bueno, por supuesto que tengo un nombre!” el ángel respondió: “En realidad, tengo muchos nombres, pero para nuestros propósitos, ¿por qué no me llamas simplemente Jack? Ese es un bonito nombre americano”, se rió de nuevo.

Javi sacudió la cabeza como para despejarse. “Ahora, ¿por dónde empezamos, Javi?” el ángel se frotó las manos como anticipando una maravillosa sorpresa. “¿Qué tal aquí?”, Dijo mientras chasqueaba los dedos. Y de repente estaban parados en el lúgubre pasillo de un viejo edificio de apartamentos que necesitaba pintura, mucha pintura. Hmmmm… esto no fue exactamente una sorpresa maravillosa en lo que a Jack se refiere… pero era el sueño de Javi, no el de Jack… Jack hizo sonar un juego de llaves para abrir la puerta chirriante y lo siguiente que Javi supo fue que estaban parados en lo que parecía ser el interior de uno de los apartamentos. Era monótono y destartalado y parecía como si un grupo de chicos pudieran vivir juntos allí. Olía un poco a humedad… pero había un pequeño árbol de Navidad en una esquina que parecía como si alguien realmente hubiera intentado, pero realmente fallado, hacer que el lugar se viera festivo. Y el pobre árbol parecía que no había visto una gota de agua… nunca. De alguna manera le recordaba de dónde venía, excepto que su mamá lo hacía sentir como un hogar y nunca trataría a una planta de la casa de esa manera. Esto no se sentía como nada más que un lugar para dormir entre el trabajo… o lo que sea que hicieras en Miami.

“Pareces un poco decepcionado, quiero decir, sí, no parece mucho, lo sé, pero los sueños no siempre se hacen realidad de inmediato. ¡Deberías saberlo mejor que nadie! Has estado soñando con este lugar durante años… bueno, tal vez no este lugar específicamente”, admitió, notando las telarañas en las esquinas de la habitación, “pero… los Estados Unidos, ¿sí?” Javi no sabía qué decir, así que simplemente asintió y preguntó si podía caminar, echar un vistazo… “¡Por ​​supuesto! Tu habitación es…” señaló una habitación sin puerta a unos dos pasos de distancia, y Javi se asomó por la pared solo para encontrar un colchón en el suelo que obviamente había visto días mejores y un par de almohadas. Suspiró, al menos las habitaciones estaban limpias… supuso.

El ángel se sentía un poco triste por Javi y se esforzaba por no demostrarlo, pero no era el trabajo de Jack conceder deseos necesariamente. Por lo general, ese era el trabajo de Randy, pero lo llamaron en el último segundo en una misión de deseo de emergencia, y le pidieron a Jack que interviniera porque necesitaba la experiencia… en la presentación de concesión de deseos, eso es. Tal vez había sido un poco engañoso sobre esa parte. El trabajo de Jack era mostrarle a Javi dónde podrían comenzar sus sueños… y tal vez dónde podrían terminar. Nada de eso fue decisión suya. En ese sentido, Destiny tenía sus propias ideas y planes de los que no estaba al tanto.

“Seguimos adelante”, dijo Jack, aclarándose la garganta, con la esperanza de que tal vez la siguiente parada fuera un poco más del agrado de Javi. Revoloteando sus alas, tomó la mano de Javi entre las suyas nuevamente. Javi apenas había pestañeado… y estaban de nuevo en la acera. El edificio no se veía tan mal como lo recordaba desde el exterior, pero tal vez eso se debió al regreso del aire fresco y la luz del sol que tanto necesitaba. Tenía la esperanza ferviente de que si esto era parte de su destino, sería solo por un corto tiempo… en realidad, muy poco tiempo. Trató de recordar lo que había estado leyendo acerca de que todo en la vida es una experiencia de aprendizaje para el bien… lo estaba intentando, pero no lo estaba logrando muy bien en este momento.

Las cavilaciones de Javi se vieron interrumpidas cuando se dio cuenta de que ahora estaban en otra acera. ¡Aparentemente, esta aventura no se trataba de pasar mucho tiempo en la playa! pensó para sí mismo, tratando de restarle importancia a la situación.

Pero esta acera parecía estar en peor estado que la que acababan de dejar, agrietada y rota, con suciedad, botellas rotas y latas de cerveza vacías esparcidas por todas partes. Levantando los ojos del suelo, esperaba que este edificio se viera mejor que su entorno.

El establecimiento parecía ser una cantina grande, pero poco atractiva, y por lo que podían escuchar desde afuera, muy ruidosa, y de repente a Javi se le ocurrió que el atardecer se había vuelto oscuro… pero no podía ver las estrellas, demasiadas luces de la ciudad.

“¿Listo?” preguntó Jack, esperando que realmente lo fuera. Sin embargo, esto tampoco parecía muy prometedor y, para empeorar las cosas, ¡se llamaba Jack’s Place! Esperaba que Javi no se hubiera dado cuenta. Tal vez necesitaba ver si había algún trabajo disponible que a veces no fuera tan decepcionante. A nadie le gustó ver este lado de sus sueños, pero era necesario… porque si no podían manejar este lado de sus sueños, entonces nunca llegarían a la cima de sus sueños… pero nadie alguna vez quise escuchar esa parte. Incluso los que se creían preparados, como Javi. Sí, Javi escuchaba al mar, pero interiorizar y abrazar lo que le decía el mar era otra cosa.

Bueno, ¡al menos el lugar estaba alegremente decorado por dentro! Se parecía mucho a gran parte de México, las paredes pintadas en colores primarios vivos y brillantes, absolutamente nada como el departamento que acababan de dejar. Javi no sabía qué pensar. Nunca, nunca había estado en una cantina. Estaba a años de cumplir los 18, aunque a menudo deseaba que esos años pasaran solo para poder estar… ¿aquí? Hmmm… aquí… ¿es esto lo que realmente estaba esperando? Respiró hondo, inhalando el humo del tabaco de segunda mano y lo que supuso que era el olor a cerveza rancia. ¡Ciertamente no fue muy inspirador!

Jack exclamó: “¡Genial, es viernes por la noche! ¡Parece una gran multitud! Ya sabes, Javi…”. Jack se inclinó como para confiarle un secreto a Javi, pero luego se detuvo. Decirle que la mayoría de las noches de la semana no eran nada como esto, sino que estaban muertas como un clavo de la puerta, no lo alentaría en absoluto, “um, ¿tal vez deberíamos tomar asiento?”

Javi miró a su alrededor de nuevo. Era obvio que una banda estaba tocando esta noche. Todo estaba montado en el diminuto escenario… el diminuto escenario. Y Javi quería estar cerca de la banda. Hasta ahora, eso era lo único que realmente le interesaba en esta habitación llena de estridencias. Jack le pidió un trago y a nadie parecía importarle que pudiera no tener 18 años, ¡pero lo que sea que Jack pidiera sabía horrible! Él preguntó: “¿No vas a beber algo?” Jack se rió entre dientes: “¡Oh, los ángeles no beben, no es necesario que lo hagamos! ¿Qué tal esa cerveza? preguntó como si fuera perfectamente normal que Javi bebiera alcohol. “Bien, supongo,” murmuró, no queriendo insultarlo… ¡y además era un sueño! Con suerte, nunca tendría que beberlo en el mundo real.

La banda llegó justo a tiempo, a las 10:00 en punto, se tomó unos minutos para afinar y comenzó el set con un poco de rock alborotador. ¡Al principio, Javi estaba emocionado! No podía escuchar bandas en vivo como esta en casa. Los veía en la televisión cada vez que tenía la oportunidad, pero la mayor parte de la música en vivo a la que estaba expuesto era en la iglesia. ¡Este fue un gran ejemplo del tipo de música que anhelaba crear! Pero luego, después de unos 45 minutos, miró a su alrededor y se dio cuenta de que casi nadie estaba prestando atención. Y los aplausos fueron escasos, si no inexistentes. ¡Los chicos de la banda no parecían ni la mitad de molestos que Javi! En realidad, no parecían molestos en absoluto. Después de un breve descanso, tomándose el tiempo para reponer lo que estaban bebiendo, continuaron justo donde lo habían dejado, a veces aceptando solicitudes… ¡pero incluso entonces casi nadie parecía darse cuenta!

¡Estos muchachos cantaban y tocaban con todo su corazón y a nadie parecía importarle! De acuerdo, un par de personas se levantaban y bailaban con las canciones que habían pedido, pero por lo demás, era como si la banda fuera casi invisible… ¿tal vez lo eran? Fue un sueño… ¿no? Se volvió hacia Jack como si pudiera leer la mente de Javi y tuviera la respuesta a la falta de atención de la multitud. Jack estaba tamborileando con los dedos al ritmo de la música, pero cuando vio la mirada perpleja de Javi, simplemente se encogió de hombros. ¡Después de todo, él tampoco lo entendió! ¡Estos chicos eran buenos! Otro inconveniente de su trabajo… pero no podía explicar lo que no entendía… y no podían irse. Su asignación decía específicamente que tenían que quedarse hasta que cerrara el bar.

Javi no parecía estar disfrutando mucho de su cerveza y Jack le preguntó si quería algo más. La cerveza obviamente estaba tibia ahora. “Sí, un vaso de agua”, respondió bastante abatido. Al regresar con el agua de Javi, Jack se dio cuenta de que ¡este desastre casi había terminado! ¡Gracias a Dios en el cielo, fue el último set! Tomando un trago de agua para quitarse el sabor a cerveza caliente, Javi siguió mirando sintiéndose más enojado y triste con cada canción que tocaban. ¿Y ahora? ¿Ahora que la mitad de la multitud obviamente estaba borracha? ¡Ahora se levantaban para bailar con un puñado de aplausos!

Cuando Jack escuchó, “última llamada”, miró a Javi, “¿Listo para ir, niño?” preguntó. Javi parecía casi agradecido, como si hubiera estado listo hace dos sets y medio. Le preguntó a Jack si tenía dinero en efectivo. Obviamente estaba pagando las bebidas de Javi con algo. Jack no tuvo que preguntar para qué lo quería Javi. Le entregó $5, más dinero del que jamás había visto Javi. Javi se acercó al tarro de propinas de la banda y dejó caer los $ 5. Quería hacerles preguntas como, “¿siempre es así?” o “¿Cuánto tiempo has estado haciendo esto?” pero no lo hizo. El guitarrista que parecía cansado lo miró a los ojos y sonrió, dándole un pulgar hacia arriba, como si Javi necesitara el estímulo más que él.

“¿Cuál es la próxima parada?” preguntó Javi, no muy seguro de querer que hubiera uno. Hasta ahora, los EE. UU., incluso en Navidad, no parecían ser nada como él imaginaba. Claro, había edificios decorados, por dentro y por fuera. Pero, se recordó a sí mismo, todo lo que había visto hasta ahora era un edificio de apartamentos donde supuestamente vivía, una cantina bastante anodina y deprimente y el Océano Atlántico. “Sabes, Javi, las cosas buenas vienen de a tres, ¿no?” Javi asintió, esperando que el dicho fuera realmente cierto. Si las cosas buenas venían de tres en tres, entonces esto… fuera lo que fuera… ¿solo podía mejorar? Y los dos últimos escenarios no eran exactamente lo que él llamaría buenos, pero…

Jack esperaba que la siguiente parada fuera tal vez más alentadora. ¡Si empeorara, definitivamente tendría que buscar trabajo en una nube diferente! Sin embargo, una cosa era segura: ¡nunca volvería a ocupar el lugar de Randy! Si esto era realmente lo que se esperaba de él, ¡no era mucho mejor que el trabajo habitual de Jack!

Bien, ¡suficiente de esto! A… miró las instrucciones que le habían dado. Hmmmm… ahora esto podría ser un poco más como Javi esperaba que comenzara su carrera… más o menos. Según el currículum de destino de Javi, era cantante y compositor. No tocaba ningún instrumento. Su voz era su único instrumento. Pero… Jack sonrió mientras seguía leyendo… ¡Parecía que los rasgos de personalidad de Javi estaban fuera de las listas sísmicas! Javi aún no lo sabía, ¡pero era capaz de convertir lo negativo en positivo mejor que casi todas las personas de este loco planeta! ¡Tanto por delante de él! Vaya, su carisma y apariencia… Jack se maravilló… pero tendría que convertirse en eso y mucho más. Supongo que debería haber leído esto antes, pensó Jack, pero Randy había ido y venido antes de que tuviera la oportunidad…

“¡Abre los ojos, Javi!” ¡Javi ni siquiera se había dado cuenta de que los había cerrado! Pero abrió su ojo izquierdo, medio asustado de lo que pudiera ver.

¡Guau! ¡Simplemente guau! Javi pensó mientras abría ambos ojos, ¿dónde estaban? Había visto fotos como esta… ¿el oeste de los Estados Unidos? (supuso). ¡Aunque todavía estaba soñando! ¡Quizás Jack había decidido llevarlo a un país completamente diferente! Jack se rió como si supiera exactamente lo que estaba pensando Javi. “Sigue siendo Estados Unidos, Javi….a solo un par de miles de kilómetros de Miami….¡y mira!”. Dijo señalando un cartel que decía Anfiteatro Red Rocks. ¡Por supuesto! Había visto muchas fotos y leído sobre las bandas que tocaban aquí… ¡y luego se dio cuenta de que podía leer en inglés!

Esto parecía mucho más prometedor que todo lo que había visto en Miami, incluso el Océano Atlántico… aunque aquí hacía un poco de frío. Tratando de ignorar la piel de gallina en sus brazos, notó que estaban mirando los asientos del anfiteatro desde el escenario. Sintió el calor de un brazo alrededor de su hombro… “¡Emilio!” gritó, pero Emilio parecía no darse cuenta, como si Javi y Jack no existieran. ¡Empezaba a preguntarse si existían! “¿Qué está haciendo él aquí?” Javi le susurró a Jack. Jack señaló una etiqueta que colgaba del bolsillo de la camisa de Emilio. Sobre el nombre y la foto de Emilio había una sola palabra, “Gerente”.

¿Qué? Todas las veces que habían hablado de que Emilio era el mánager de Javi… y Javi no estaba seguro de que alguna vez se lo hubiera tomado en serio. Quería que todos creyeran en sus sueños, pero ¿realmente nunca había creído en los sueños de Emilio? Pero antes de que pudiera decir nada, Emilio había desaparecido.

¿Qué fue lo siguiente? el se preguntó. Javi volvió su atención a la perorata de Jack con su voz de guía turístico, preguntándose qué se había perdido.

“¡Sí! Casi 10.000 asientos, Javi… ¡y están esperando a que se llenen de fans!”. Jack hizo un gesto grandilocuente hacia los asientos aún vacíos. “¿Tengo 10,000 fanáticos?” Javi chilló. “Bueno, no TÚ exactamente…” Jack trató de retroceder, “Quiero decir, no eres la estrella… todavía no… eres solo el acto de apertura”, deseando no haber enfatizado la palabra “solo”. “Estás abriendo para Magneto… bueno, en realidad eres uno de los teloneros…”

Javi lo interrumpió, “¿Magneto? ¿Estoy abriendo para Magneto? ¡Para Javi eso fue casi tan emocionante como ser el acto de apertura! O uno de ellos de todos modos. Jack había dejado de hablar y miraba el cielo con inquietud. Había comenzado a ponerse gris… ¡Por favor, no! No una tormenta. ¡Este fue uno de los peores sueños de los que jamás se le había encomendado ser parte! Pero Javi parecía totalmente inconsciente de ello… y tal vez simplemente pasaría. No parecía tan amenazante… todavía no de todos modos. Quizá pudiera sacar a Javi del escenario antes de que se diera cuenta. Alcanzó la mano temblorosa de Javi y chasqueó en silencio los dedos de su mano derecha.

La escena cambió de nuevo cuando Javi se encontró en lo que supuso que era el vestidor más genial que jamás había visto, ¡construido justo en las polvorientas rocas rojas! Por supuesto, los únicos vestidores que había visto estaban en la iglesia de su casa, pero aun así… y luego se vio en el espejo de cuerpo entero pegado a la parte trasera de la puerta. “Jacobo….” él jadeó, “¿Dónde están estos… estos…” “¡Oh! ¿La ropa?” “¡Y el sombrero!”, susurró Javi. ¡Nunca había usado un sombrero como este en toda su vida! “Bueno, no podrías salir en pijama ahora, ¿verdad?” Y entonces Javi se dio cuenta de que la ropa de Jack también había cambiado. La red negra había desaparecido junto con los jeans desteñidos, ¡pero no estaba vestido como Javi! Javi se reía de sí mismo mientras miraba de un lado a otro su atuendo. ¡Se sentía como un pavo real! ¡Y le encantó! Una chaqueta de cuero roja con cremalleras brillantes sobre una camisa negra carbón y un par de pantalones de cuero ajustados con botines a juego. Pero el sombrero era su parte favorita. ¿Quién sabía que podía verse tan bien con un sombrero? ¡Ciertamente nunca podría vestirse así en casa!

Y luego, de repente, escuchó el estallido de un trueno… pero él estaba afuera… el camerino se había desvanecido… no estaba lloviendo… ¿por qué las cosas se movían tan rápido?… Jack sintió su miedo y trató de calmar las cosas. abajo. Ahí….eso fue un poco mejor.

Javi estaba en el escenario y podía sentir la conmoción a su alrededor. Estaban haciendo pruebas de sonido… y alguien lo llamaba por su nombre. ¡El guitarrista de la banda en la cantina! ¡Era su voz! Javi sostenía un micrófono en la mano, ¿de dónde había salido eso? – estaba cantando, pero no podía oír su voz. Sin embargo, estaba armonizando con alguien… y escuchó el débil sonido del piano. Y había gente en el anfiteatro. A veces diez, a veces mil y luego tal vez cinco mil… y luego se habían ido… pero aún podía escuchar los aplausos a veces… y voces desafinadas cantando letras que aparentemente les eran familiares. ¿Conocían sus canciones? Siguió tratando de ver quién estaba en el escenario con él, pero todo lo que podía distinguir era su ropa… o sus voces a veces… y luego estaban haciendo una reverencia… alguien tenía un brazo alrededor de su hombro otra vez, pero no era t Emilio……¿dónde estaba Jack? Quería contarle todo sobre esto… pero ¿no debería Jack ya saberlo?…

“¡Javi!” Volvió a escuchar su nombre. No era el guitarrista… y no era quienquiera que haya estado armonizando… tenía que ser Jack. Pero la criatura que apareció ante él definitivamente era alguien a quien nunca llamaría Jack. El ángel era tan ancho como el cielo, casi resplandeciente, sus alas brillaban como oro macizo. Estaba tan aturdido que no sabía qué decir o hacer. “¡Javi!” el ángel retumbó de nuevo, “¡Toma esto! ¡Este es tu destino y el de ellos!” ¿De quién es el destino? Quiénes eran”?

Cuando Javi se despertó, se encontró acostado boca arriba con el brazo extendido como si tratara de… ¡no sabía! Un ángel llamado Jack había puesto con reverencia algo en su mano, pero ¿qué? No tenía nada en la mano. Bueno, por supuesto, no tenía nada en la mano, ¡era un sueño! se castigó a sí mismo. Anhelaba volver al sueño tan vívido, pero sabía que no podía. Entonces, en lugar de eso, se tomó unos momentos para reorientarse, buscó el cuaderno gastado debajo de su cama para registrar el sueño antes de que desapareciera en su psique y se perdiera para siempre. Nadie estaba despierto todavía, pero no pasaría mucho tiempo.

Habiendo terminado de detallar el sueño, colocó el cuaderno a su lado sobre la cama y cerró los ojos por unos minutos más. Nada que nadie pudiera regalarle para Navidad este año sería mejor que ese sueño, por enrevesado que fuera. ¿Qué significó todo? Trató de dejar de lado los dos primeros escenarios, sin querer pensar en esa parte de su destino. Estaría viviendo esa parte muy pronto, siempre se decía a sí mismo, así que trató de concentrarse en el final del sueño. ¡La ropa! ¡El sombrero! ¡El escenario frente a 10.000 fans! Y la banda. Siempre supo que necesitaría una banda de algún tipo, pero siempre se había imaginado a sí mismo como un solista, sin compartir el escenario con nadie, todos los ojos puestos en él. Había compartido el escenario con sus hermanos toda su vida. Hmmmm…..

Apartó las sábanas, de mala gana desviando su atención del sueño a la tarea que aún tenía que terminar antes de ir a la escuela. Como siempre, llevó la libreta al armario y apartó la ropa y los zapatos para encontrar la caja. No quería que nadie leyera sus pensamientos y sueños mientras no estaba.

Levantó la tapa de cartón que había visto días mejores y un destello de luz llamó su atención. No podía ver muy bien en el armario, así que levantó la mano para encender la luz que colgaba del techo. La caja se llenó de luz y también lo hicieron los ojos de Javi cuando levantó una y luego dos y luego una tercera estrella dorada de la caja. Los colocó con cuidado en el suelo a su lado. ¡Estos no eran suyos! Ciertamente no los había puesto aquí. ¿Que esta pasando?

Examinó el frente de cada uno de cerca, pero no vio nada particularmente especial en ellos y casi los vuelve a poner en la caja planeando inspeccionarlos más de cerca después de llegar a casa de la escuela… pero su curiosidad pudo más que él. , así que les dio la vuelta. Una delicada inicial en filigrana estaba grabada en el centro de cada estrella.

Cogió con cuidado el que tenía una J. ¿Asumió que era para él? *** ¿Pero quién o qué era A y R? ¿FRASCO? ¿Las cosas buenas vienen de tres en tres? “¿Jacobo?” susurró nerviosamente. Se sentía ridículo, pero tal vez… solo tal vez… obtendría una respuesta. Esperó tan silenciosamente como pudo, esperando contra toda esperanza, pero nada. Después de la escuela, hacía un viaje rápido a la playa. Quizás el mar hablaría de nuevo. Quizás.

Pero en este momento todo lo que escuchó fueron gotas de lluvia… golpeando contra la ventana de su habitación… y el estruendo de un trueno… sacudió la cabeza y suspiró, guardando cuidadosamente las estrellas doradas para otro día… otra vez… lejos, lejos de esta ciudad junto al mar.

***En otras historias que he escrito, he incluido una banda con tres miembros, Javi, Antonio y Rodrigo.

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WRITE ON!

WISH UPON A CHRISTMAS STAR

Javi startled awake, propping himself up on his elbows, shifting his eyes wildly around the semi-darkness. Patting the softness of the cobija under his hand, he finally realized that he’d awakened in the safety of his own bedroom. It was still the middle of the night; he had an innate sense of time just like some people had an innate sense of direction. He knew it was around 2 a.m. Still many hours before he had to get up.

Turning over onto his left side and settling into the warmth of his blankets and fluffy pillows he couldn’t actually see the stars covering the velvet-black sky through his bedroom window but he knew they were there and could imagine their distant sparkle in the heavens. Just like his dreams that no one but him and his closest friend, Emilio, were able to see as reality. Most people, friends and family alike, just seemed to tolerate his words when he tried to talk about his dreams seriously. But that didn’t mean they didn’t exist somewhere in an as yet unknown future…or that they couldn’t or wouldn’t come true.

Turning his thoughts to the present, he could feel his lips turn up in a satisfied smile. It was the Christmas season and he loved Christmas like he loved no other holiday on the calendar. It was a time when the city by the sea came to life with vivid colors, spectacular pageantry and music, sometimes reverent, sometimes raucous, but always joyful! The streets filled with throngs of people in costume preparing for the centuries-old celebration of the arrival of the Christ Child.

And it lasted for most of December and into early January. He loved the holiness of the holiday and the way it was celebrated in the church. Sometimes it felt as if the entire world stopped and the love of God Himself could be felt most acutely, right there in that room – a sanctuary they called it – where the faithful gathered to sing hymns and carols, praising God for His goodness, rejoicing in the greatest gift ever given to mankind – Jesus, the one and only source of their lives and their salvation.

But his ambitions were what his fellow church members, and especially his mother and father, would call secular. For as long as Javi could remember he’d been puzzled by this peculiar distinction between “sacred” versus “secular.” If God created the world, the universe really! no matter how flawed it often seemed, wasn’t it sacred? Didn’t everything, even the worst things that he could imagine, have at least a tiny spark of the sacred? And he believed that where that spark existed, it could become a flame, ignited by God’s own heart, with the possibility of becoming wholly and completely sacred with time.

And above all music! They said the kind of music he longed to make had no spiritual value! In this, he knew they were beyond wrong; every single note he sang, every lyric he wrote originated in the depths of his soul. But, he had no answers for his questions. Questions that had probably been asked from time immemorial. Nevertheless, he didn’t believe even for a single minute that his dreams, his music, his desires were anything but God-given. They were absolutely not secular if such a thing even existed.

They called him a dreamer, as if there was something inherently wrong about it. They said he was wasting his time with his head in the clouds. And yes, he’d be the first to admit that he was, indeed, a dreamer, of course he was! A life without dreams was no kind of life at all! His passions were what kept him alive and what nourished his present while he waited to make the inevitable move into his future, that place where his life and his destiny converged, the God-given spark becoming a roaring fire. He would consume the world with his music!

This year his Christmas dreams took him to the US. He didn’t question why; he simply added the dreams to the box he kept hidden in his closet, nondescript, so no one would guess that anything important was inside. The box was full of handwritten notebooks and baubles he’d collected over the years. Some of his written musings might become song lyrics. Some of the box’s contents might only be there so that he could look back at where he’d been, allowing him to see how far he’d come and how far he had yet to go. And Javi didn’t know it yet, but the contents of that box would fuel his determination someday…..on those days when he was so discouraged he’d want to give up, when all of his conversations with the sea would seem like nothing more than his own imaginings, as if they’d never really happened, this plain brown box would save him.

In Mexico, or at least in his part of Mexico, Santa Claus wasn’t a part of their celebrations or their traditions….and of course the imaginary elf was certainly not sacred according to his parents. And Javi knew he was too old to actually believe that Santa Claus was a real person. But in the US, Santa seemed to be the most prominent symbol of Christmas. And the US would be a slice of his someday. A scrumptious piece of his future! He loved Mexico with all his heart, but he didn’t plan to limit his future to her borders. He was going to be a star, not just in this little corner of the world, but in every corner of the world. No matter how large or small…they would know his name!

In the US they decorated huge pine trees with all kinds of ornaments and strings of shining lights! He could imagine all the people in churches wearing their best clothes, singing in and out of tune. The people they called carolers going from door to door filling the cold night air serenading neighbors and strangers alike. Sometimes they were songs with names like O Holy Night and sometimes they were songs like Santa Claus is Coming to Town or I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Javi smiled in the dark at that. He’d never seen a white Christmas any more than he’d seen Santa Claus.

But what he really liked to look at in the books he read about American Christmases were all the gaily and sometimes gaudily wrapped presents under the decorated trees. He could only imagine what might be inside those pretty boxes and bags…and in his dreams every gift was for him and contained everything he’d ever need or want to become a star, almost as if the star that sat atop that tree represented him.

And maybe the gifts represented what he’d need to reach that place at the top. Maybe his own microphone was in one of those boxes, one he’d never have to share with anyone like he did with his brothers. Or lots of fancy outfits in red and black, his favorite colors! Or an English-Spanish dictionary because he’d have to learn to speak the language, right? And maybe a teacher to go with it! He covered his lips as he tried not to giggle too loud – what kind of teacher would be small enough to fit in a box?

And maybe all those decorations represented some of the footholds he’d have to use to climb his way to the height of fame that awaited him. Never once did he stop to think that some of the steps he’d have to take might be dull or ugly or hard or that his real life “tree” would bear anything but a smooth ascent with no holes between branches where someone had forgotten to place an ornament. Even though the sea had told him of the trials and tribulations he might have to struggle with to attain his goal, he rarely thought of that, and especially not at Christmas.

Just like in Mexico, Christmas in the US represented a time of jubilation, a respite from the ordinary and mundane lives most everyone lived. And for him, a time when he could almost forget that the older he got the harder life became and the more impatient he was to leave.

He sighed, tucking his Christmas wishes back into his heart. He could feel his eyelids growing heavy, the remnants of the nightmare that had awakened him all but gone. Glancing out the window one last time, he closed his eyes, whispering a nursery rhyme he’d learned long ago. It wasn’t something he’d learned from his mama or papa. In fact, he couldn’t really remember where he’d learned it, but he liked to recite it before he went to sleep. Most would shake their heads, as usual, and say it was the silly dreamer in him, but he didn’t care. God made the stars, right? So what could wishing on one hurt? Maybe the stars were just another Christmas gift that no one recognized.

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

Breathing in the quiet and the familiar scents and sounds around him, he fell back to sleep, his mind filled with twirling Christmas trees entwined with memories of La Rama celebrations past and looking forward to this year’s celebration, knowing he most certainly wouldn’t be in the US this Christmas….but soon.

He could feel the wet, gritty sand between his toes and the foamy waves as they chased his feet along the shore. He paused, inhaling a deep breath of the sea air, so familiar, so comforting. He would miss this, he knew, but for now here he was hoping his friend and muse, the sea, would talk to him today. He decided to just plop down on the sand for a change, maybe build a sand castle, sort of a physical manifestation of his dreams, like he did when he was a kid. At least for today, he was free from most of the everyday chores because his mama and younger siblings were visiting his aunt for the day….or at least he thought they were. Why wasn’t he sure? His eyes quickly skimmed his surroundings as he crossed his legs and sat, absent-mindedly reaching for a handful of sand, that seemed to turn into something cold and white and then disappear. Puzzled, he picked up another pile of sand packing it firmly between his palms, only to feel it dissolve into a puddle of cold water that dripped through his fingers. Where was he?

He turned around expecting to see the familiar rise of the dunes behind him, but instead there were what looked like tall kilometer-high buildings…..and why were all these people here? This time of year he usually had the beach all to himself. A couple of kids ran in front of him and he tried to ask them where he was, but it was as if they didn’t even see or hear him. No! Was this another nightmare hoping to interrupt his sleep again?

It didn’t feel like a nightmare though…in fact, it felt rather peaceful….and despite all the sunbathers and swimmers, he heard no one speaking at all even with the game of what looked like beach volleyball going on not far from where he was sitting. He was just getting used to this strange, but not unpleasant feeling, when he heard a loud splash and felt the waves slap his toes. He swallowed hard, not sure whether to be frightened or reassured. He unconsciously began to back away from the waves looking behind him at the buildings, just barely getting to his feet to run when he stopped himself. This was the sea, his friend….his confidante….not some monster in a bad dream. Turning away from the buildings, he turned his head again to look at the expanse of shifting waves.

Blinking to clear his vision, and planting his hands on the sand behind him to steady himself, he blinked again. He wasn’t scared….yet…he told himself, but he was certainly awestruck! Rising from the depths of the sea right in front of him was an angel, but not the kind of angel he’d seen so many times in pictures or as statues….this angel was male….the only reason he was sure it was even an angel was because of the wings….and he? it? was dressed in a red and white suit just like the kind that Santa Claus would wear, complete with a stocking hat, a black belt and boots! He hurriedly looked around him again, hoping to find someone else to share this inexplicable experience with, but, again….no one seemed to notice them…neither Javi nor the unconventionally dressed angel.

“Javi,” the Santa angel said in a deep voice, beckoning him to walk towards him, “don’t be afraid, dude, I’m here to grant your wishes…..I hope…or at least that’s what I was told. Oh, right! I forgot you can’t walk on water. Sorry there, bud.” The angel finished his apology as he walked across the water as if it didn’t exist. “Why are you dressed like that?” Javi asked before thinking, to which the angel replied, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Weren’t you hoping for Santa? Here, how about this then?! Santa doesn’t own a lot of beachwear…..” and as the angel spoke, the Santa suit melted away as if it never existed only to be replaced by a brawny, muscular angel with well-chiseled facial features wearing old blue jeans and a sleeveless black fishnet shirt. Javi couldn’t help but laugh! It looked like some of the many outfits he’d dreamed of wearing once he was a star covering the muscular frame he could only hope for…well, at least right now anyway. He vowed then and there that one day he’d replace his scrawny self with a body just like the angel had.

“Oh! So you recognize them, I see!” Javi had no clue what he’d supposedly recognized. “The clothes and the body!” the angel chuckled, twirling in a circle to show off his attire, and of course, his body. Javi still didn’t get it….he could only dream of…..oh! he was dreaming! Of course! “Come my young friend!” the angel shouted enthusiastically, “Let me show you around what just might be your first glimpse of the big time!” he grinned, grabbing Javi’s hand. Well, he certainly was a very happy angel, Javi thought, and that smile…it was like watching the sun rise..he’d seen it before…..it looked so familiar.

Javi didn’t know whether to speak or remain silent. Everyone else around them didn’t appear to see either of them, but “Where are we?” Javi blurted out. “What? You don’t recognize another city by the sea? You’ve seen it lots of times in pictures….but then maybe you’ve never dreamed of it….specifically that is. You’re in the good old USA, Miami, Florida, to be exact…..The Magic City! The Gateway to the Americas!” Javi listened to him babble like some kind of tour guide. But Javi looked confused and it didn’t escape the angel’s notice……”um, if you don’t like it I can always change the venue. After all, your wishes and dreams have taken you all over. We can even change countries….Brazil, maybe? Although your most recent wish WAS for the US…” his voice trailed off, waiting for an answer.

“No! No, Miami is fine, it’s great!” Oh my God! He was in the United States! Miami? New York? California? Who cared? “Oh, good!” the angel looked relieved, “I was hoping you didn’t want to see Indiana or North Dakota or…especially North Dakota….it’s colder than…..” he was going to say “hell,” but considering the setting it didn’t seem appropriate….and the angel realized he was babbling again just in time for Javi to ask, “So, do you have a name?” He didn’t know that much about angels, except for the ones in the Bible, and most of them were female. “Well, of course I have a name!” the angel replied, “Actually, I have lots of names but for our purposes why don’t you just call me Jack, that’s a nice all-American name,” he laughed again.

Javi shook his head as if to clear it. “Now, where do we begin, Javi?” the angel rubbed his hands together as if anticipating a wonderful surprise. “How about here,” he said as he snapped his fingers. And suddenly they were standing in the dingy hallway of an old apartment building that needed painting, lots of painting. Hmmmm……this wasn’t exactly a wonderful surprise as far as Jack was concerned…but it was Javi’s dream, not Jack’s…..Jack rattled a set of keys opening the squeaky door and the next thing Javi knew they were standing in what appeared to be the inside of one of the apartments. It was drab and shabby and it appeared as if a bunch of guys might live there together. It smelled a little musty…..but there was a small Christmas tree in a corner looking as if someone had really tried, but really failed to make the place look festive. And the poor tree looked like it hadn’t seen a drop of water….ever. In some ways it reminded him of where he came from except his mama made it feel like a home and she would never treat a house plant like that. This didn’t feel like anything but someplace to sleep between working….or whatever you did in Miami.

“You look a little disappointed, I mean, yeah it doesn’t look like much I know, but dreams don’t always come true right away. You should know that better than anyone! You’ve been dreaming of this place for years….well, maybe not this place specifically,” he admitted, noticing the cobwebs in the corners of the room, “but….the US, si?” Javi didn’t know what to say, so he simply nodded, and asked if he could walk around, take a look….”Of course! Your bedroom is”….he pointed to a room without a door about two steps away, and Javi peeked around the wall only to find a mattress on the floor that had obviously seen better days and a couple of pillows. He sighed, at least the rooms were clean….he guessed.

The angel felt a little sad for Javi and was trying hard not to show it, but it wasn’t Jack’s job to grant wishes necessarily. That was usually Randy’s job, but he’d been called out at the last second on an emergency wish mission, and they’d asked Jack to step in because he needed the experience….at wish-granting presentation, that is. Maybe he’d been a little misleading about that part. Jack’s job was to show Javi where his dreams might start….and maybe where they might end. None of that was his decision. In that respect, Destiny had its own ideas and plans to which he was not made privy.

“Moving right along,” Jack said, clearing his throat, hoping that maybe the next stop would be a little more to Javi’s liking. Fluttering his wings, he took Javi’s hand in his own again. Javi had barely blinked….and they were on the sidewalk again. The building didn’t look as bad as he remembered it from the outside, but maybe that was because of the return of some much-needed fresh air and sunshine. He fervently hoped that if this was part of his destiny that it would only be for a short while….actually, a very short while. He tried to remember what he’d been reading about everything in life being a learning experience for the good….he was trying, but not succeeding very well at the moment.

Javi’s musings were interrupted when he realized that now they were on another sidewalk. Apparently, this adventure wasn’t about spending lots of time on the beach! he thought to himself, trying to make light of the situation.

But, this sidewalk appeared to be in even worse shape than the one they’d just left, cracked and broken, with dirt and busted bottles and empty beer cans scattered everywhere. Raising his eyes from the ground, he hoped that this building looked better than its surroundings.

The establishment appeared to be a large, but unappealing cantina, and from what they could hear from the outside, a very noisy one, and it suddenly occurred to Javi that dusk had turned to dark….but he couldn’t see the stars, too many city lights.

“Ready?” Jack asked, hoping he really was. However, this didn’t look very promising either and to make matters worse, it was named Jack’s Place! He hoped Javi hadn’t noticed. Maybe he needed to see if there were any jobs available that weren’t so disappointing sometimes. No one ever liked to see this side of their dreams, but it was necessary…..because if they couldn’t handle this side of their dreams, then they’d never make it to the pinnacle of their dreams….but no one ever wanted to listen to that part. Even those who thought they were prepared, like Javi. Yes, Javi listened to the sea, but internalizing and embracing what the sea was telling him was another thing altogether.

Well, at least the place was cheerfully decorated on the inside! It looked a lot like so much of Mexico, the walls painted in bright, vivid, primary colors, absolutely nothing like the apartment they’d just left. Javi didn’t know what to think. He’d never, ever been in a cantina. He was years away from 18, although he often wished those years away just so he could be…..here? Hmmm….here…..is this what he was really waiting for? He took a deep breath, inhaling the secondhand tobacco smoke and what he guessed was the scent of stale beer. It certainly wasn’t very inspiring!

Jack exclaimed, “Great, it’s a Friday night! It looks like a big crowd! You know, Javi….” Jack leaned in as if to confide a secret to Javi, but then he stopped. Telling him that most week nights were nothing like this, but were dead as a doornail instead, wouldn’t encourage him any, “um, maybe we should take a seat?”

Javi glanced around again. It was obvious that a band was playing tonight. Everything was set up on the tiny stage…the very tiny stage. And Javi wanted to be near the band. So far, that was the only thing that really interested him in this room full of raucousness. Jack ordered him a drink and no one seemed to care that he might not be 18, but whatever Jack ordered tasted awful! He asked, “Aren’t you going to drink something?” Jack chuckled, “Oh, angel’s don’t drink, we don’t need to! How’s that beer?” he asked as if it was perfectly normal for Javi to be drinking alcohol. “Fine, I guess,” he murmured, not wanting to insult him…and besides it was a dream! Hopefully, he’d never have to drink it in the real world.

The band arrived right on time, 10:00 sharp, took a few minutes to tune up and started the set with some rabble-rousing rock. At first, Javi was thrilled! He didn’t get to listen to live bands like this at home. He watched them on TV whenever he had the chance, but most of the live music he was exposed to was in church. This was a great example of the kind of music that he longed to create! But then after about 45 minutes, he looked around and realized hardly anyone was even paying attention. And applause was rare if not nonexistent. The boys in the band didn’t seem half as upset as Javi was! Actually, they didn’t look upset at all. After a short break, taking the time to replenish whatever they were drinking, they picked up right where they’d left off, sometimes taking requests….but even then hardly anyone seemed to notice!

These guys were singing and playing their hearts out and no one seemed to care! Okay, a couple of people would get up and dance to songs they’d requested, but otherwise it was like the band was almost invisible….maybe they were? It was a dream….wasn’t it? He turned to Jack as if he could read Javi’s mind and had the answer to the crowd’s inattentiveness. Jack was tapping his fingers to the music, but when he saw the look on Javi’s perplexed face, he simply shrugged. After all, he didn’t really get it either! These guys were good! Another downside to his job…but he couldn’t explain what he didn’t understand…and they couldn’t leave. His assignment specifically said they had to stay until the bar closed.

Javi didn’t appear to be enjoying his beer very much and Jack asked him if he’d like something else. The beer was obviously lukewarm by now. “Yes, a glass of water,” he replied rather dejectedly. Returning with Javi’s water, Jack realized that this disaster was almost over! Thank God in heaven, it was the last set! Taking a gulp of water to wash away the taste of warm beer, Javi continued to watch feeling madder and sadder with each song they played. And now? Now that half the crowd was obviously drunk? Now they were getting up to dance with a smattering of applause!

When Jack heard, “last call,” he glanced at Javi, “Ready to go, kiddo?” he asked. Javi appeared almost grateful, like he’d been ready to go about 2-1/2 sets ago. He asked Jack if he had any cash on him. He was obviously paying for Javi’s drinks with something. Jack didn’t have to ask what Javi wanted it for. He handed him $5, more money than Javi had ever seen. Javi walked up to the band’s tip jar and dropped the $5 in. He wanted to ask them questions like, “is it always like this?” or “how long have you been doing this?” but he didn’t. The tired-appearing guitarist caught his eye and smiled, giving him a thumbs up, as if Javi needed the encouragement more than he did.

“What’s the next stop?” Javi asked, not sure he wanted there to be one. So far, the US, even at Christmas didn’t seem to be anything like he imagined. Sure, there were decorated buildings, inside and out. But, he reminded himself, all he’d seen so far was an apartment building where he supposedly lived, a rather nondescript and depressing cantina and the Atlantic Ocean. “You know, Javi, good things come in threes, right?” Javi nodded, hoping that the saying was really true. If good things came in threes, then this….whatever it was…..could only get better? And the last two scenarios weren’t exactly what he’d call good, but…..

Jack hoped that the next stop would maybe be more encouraging. If it got any worse he’d definitely have to look at finding work on a different cloud! One thing was for sure though – he’d never take over Randy’s spot again! If this was really what was expected of him, it wasn’t much better than Jack’s usual gig!

Okay, enough of this! On to…..he glanced down at the instructions he’d been given. Hmmmm….now this might be a little bit more like where Javi hoped his career would begin…sort of. According to Javi’s Destiny Resume he was a singer and songwriter. He didn’t play any instruments. His voice was his only instrument. But……Jack smiled as he read further….it appeared that Javi’s personality traits were off the seismic charts! Javi didn’t know it yet, but he was capable of turning negatives into positives better than almost all of the people on this crazy planet! So much ahead of him! Why, his charisma and looks…..Jack marveled…but he’d have to grow into those and so much more. I guess I should have read this earlier, Jack thought, but Randy had come and gone before he’d even had a chance…..

“Open your eyes, Javi!” Javi hadn’t even been aware he’d closed them! But he opened his left eye, half afraid of what he might see.

Wow! Just wow! Javi thought as he opened both eyes, where were they? He’d seen pictures like this…..the western United States? (he guessed). He was still dreaming though! Maybe Jack had decided to take him to an entirely different country! Jack laughed as if he knew exactly what Javi was thinking. “Still the US, Javi….just a couple thousand kilometers away from Miami…..and look!” He said pointing to a sign that read Red Rocks Amphitheater. Of course! He’d seen lots of pictures and read about the bands who performed here….and then he realized he was able to read English!

This looked much more promising than anything he’d seen in Miami, even the Atlantic Ocean….although it was a little cold here. Trying to ignore the goosebumps on his arms, he noticed that they were looking at the amphitheater seats from the stage. He felt the warmth of an arm around his shoulder……”Emilio!” he yelped, but Emilio seemed oblivious, as if Javi and Jack didn’t exist. He was beginning to wonder if they did exist! “What’s he doing here?” Javi whispered to Jack. Jack pointed to a tag dangling from Emilio’s shirt pocket. Over Emilio’s name and photo was a single word, “Manager.”

What? All the times they’d talked about Emilio being Javi’s manager….and Javi wasn’t sure he’d ever taken it seriously. He wanted everyone to believe in his dreams, but he’d never really believed in Emilio’s dreams? But before he could say anything, Emilio had disappeared.

What was next? he wondered. Javi turned his attention back to Jack’s spiel in his tour-guide voice, wondering what he’d missed.

“Yep! Almost 10,000 seats, Javi….and they’re just waiting to be filled with fans!” Jack gestured grandly towards the still empty seats” “I have 10,000 fans???” Javi squeaked. “Well, not YOU exactly….” Jack tried to back pedal, “I mean, you’re not the star…..not yet…you’re just the opening act,” wishing he hadn’t emphasized the word “just.” “You’re opening for Magneto…well, actually your one of the openers….”

Javi interrupted him, “Magneto? I’m opening for Magneto?” For Javi that was almost as exciting as being the opening act! Or one of them anyway. Jack had stopped speaking and was watching the sky uneasily. It had started to turn gray…..please, no! Not a thunderstorm. This was one of the worst dreams he’d ever been tasked with being a part of! But Javi seemed totally unaware of it….and maybe it would just blow over. It didn’t look that threatening….not yet anyway. Maybe he could get Javi off the stage before he noticed. He reached for Javi’s quivering hand and quietly snapped the fingers of his right hand.

The scene shifted again as Javi found himself in what he guessed was the coolest dressing room he’d ever seen, built right into the dusty red rocks! Of course, the only dressing rooms he’d ever seen were in the church back home, but still….and then he saw himself in the full-length mirror attached to the back of the door. “Jack….” he gasped, “Where did this…these…” “Oh! The clothes?” “And the hat!, ” Javi whispered. He’d never worn a hat like this in his entire life! “Well, you couldn’t go out there in your pajamas now could you?” And then Javi realized that Jack’s clothes had changed, too. The black fishnet was gone along with the faded jeans, but he was dressed nothing like Javi! Javi laughed at himself as he turned back and forth examining his outfit. He felt like a peacock! And he loved it! A red leather jacket with sparkly zippers over a coal black shirt and a pair of tight leather pants with ankle high boots to match. But the hat was his favorite part. Who knew he could look this good in a hat? He could certainly never dress like this back home!

And then suddenly he heard the crack of thunder….but he was outside…the dressing room had vanished..it wasn’t raining…..why were things moving so quickly?…..Jack sensed his fear and tried to slow things down. There….that was a little better.

Javi was onstage and he could sense the commotion going on around him. They were doing sound checks…..and someone was calling his name. The guitarist from the band at the cantina! It was his voice! Javi was holding a mic in his hand – where had that come from? – he was singing, but he couldn’t hear his voice. Yet he was harmonizing with someone….and he heard the faint sound of piano. And there were people in the amphitheater. Sometimes ten, sometimes a thousand and then maybe five thousand…..and then they were gone….but he could still hear the applause sometimes…and off-key voices singing lyrics that were apparently familiar to them. Did they know his songs? He kept trying to see who was onstage with him, but all he could make out was their clothing….or their voices sometimes……and then they were taking a bow……someone had an arm around his shoulder again, but it wasn’t Emilio……where was Jack? He wanted to tell him all about this….but shouldn’t Jack already know?……

“Javi!” He heard his name again. It wasn’t the guitarist…and it wasn’t whoever he’d been harmonizing with…..it had to be Jack. But the creature who appeared before him was definitely someone he would never call Jack. The angel was as wide as the sky, almost glowing, his wings glittering like solid gold. He was so stunned he didn’t know what to say or do. “Javi!” the angel boomed again, “Take these! This is your destiny and theirs!” Whose destiny? Who were “they”?

As Javi awoke, he found himself lying on his back with his arm outstretched as if reaching for…..he didn’t know! An angel named Jack had reverently placed something in his hand, but what? Nothing was in his hand. Well, of course, nothing was in his hand, it was a dream! he chastised himself. He longed to return to the oh-so vivid dream, but knew he couldn’t. So instead, he took a few moments to reorient himself, he reached for the worn notebook under his bed to record the dream before it disappeared into his psyche and was lost forever. No one was awake yet, but it wouldn’t be long.

Having finished detailing the dream, he laid the notebook beside him on the bed and closed his eyes for a few more minutes. Nothing anyone could give him for Christmas this year would be better than that dream, convoluted as it was. What did it all mean? He tried to push aside the first two scenarios, never wanting to think about that part of his destiny. He’d be living that part soon enough he always told himself so he tried to focus on the end of the dream. The clothes! The hat! The stage in front of 10,000 fans! And the band. He always knew he’d need a band of some sort, but he’d always pictured himself as a solo artist, not sharing the stage with anyone, all eyes on him. He’d shared the stage with his brothers all of his life. Hmmmm…..

He threw the covers back, reluctantly turning his attention from the dream to the homework he still had to finish before school. As always, he took the notebook to the closet moving clothes and shoes aside to find the box. He didn’t want anyone reading his thoughts and dreams while he was gone.

He lifted the cardboard lid that had seen better days and a glint of light caught his eye. He couldn’t see very well in the closet so he reached up to turn on the light that hung from the ceiling. The box filled with light and so did Javi’s eyes as he lifted one and then two and then a third gold star from the box. He laid them carefully on the floor beside him. These weren’t his! He certainly hadn’t put them here. What was going on?

He examined the front of each one closely, but didn’t see anything particularly special about them and he almost put them back in the box planning to inspect them more closely after he got home from school….but his curiosity got the better of him, so he turned them over. A delicate filigreed initial was engraved in the center of each star.

He carefully picked up the one with a J on it. He assumed that was for him? ***But who or what was A and R? J, A, R? Good things come in threes? “Jack?” he whispered nervously. He felt ridiculous, but maybe….just maybe….he’d get a answer. He waited as quietly as he could, hoping against hope, but nothing. After school he’d make a quick trip to the beach. Perhaps the sea would speak again. Perhaps.

But right now all he heard were raindrops….beating against his bedroom window……and the rumble of thunder…….he shook his head and sighed, carefully putting the golden stars away for another day….another time…..far, far away from this city by the sea.

***In other stories I’ve written, I’ve included a band with three members, Javi, Antonio and Rodrigo.

Categories
ENGLISH: EVERYTHING CHANGED (TODO CAMBIO) FEATURING KURT HUMMEL & JAVI - COMPLETE

IN PLAIN SIGHT

Categories
PORTUGUES: MUNDO SELVAGEM COM KURT HUMMEL E BLAINE ANDERSON (KLAINE)

CAPÍTULO 7 – FORA COM O VELHO, COM O NOVO NORMAL

“Eu também te amo, Kurt,” Blaine respondeu com um sorriso na voz, “Sim, eu vou te mandar uma mensagem hoje à noite, você sabe que eu vou”, ele respondeu quando Kurt perguntou. Ele mandava mensagens para ele todas as noites, não negando a nenhum deles a conexão que ambos precisavam, não importa o quão tênue às vezes parecesse. Ele sabia que Kurt só precisava de um pouco de segurança. No momento, era como se Blaine estivesse em vantagem, pelo menos aos olhos de Kurt, porque Kurt era quem se sentia culpado, embora não tivesse feito nada de errado. Estúpido? Sim, talvez fosse estúpido… tudo bem, muito estúpido, mas não errado.

Desde que Blaine e seu pai embarcaram no jato superlotado com destino à Europa, ele não conseguia acionar o interruptor em seu cérebro que lhe permitiria parar de examinar cada cenário possível, cada palavra, cada reação e resposta potencial à conversa que ele tinha. sabia que estava pela frente quando ele voltou para casa. Não havia escolha e ele não podia se permitir usar as desculpas que tinha no passado. Sua consciência sobrecarregada não permitiria mais que seu segredo permanecesse adormecido. Às vezes ele ainda tentava negociar consigo mesmo perguntando o que adiantaria dizer a ele? Ele não estava sendo egoísta… até cruel sabendo da dor desnecessária que sua revelação poderia causar? E tudo porque ele queria limpar sua própria consciência?

Ele de alguma forma esperava que fosse algo que ele nunca teria que compartilhar com ninguém e especialmente com Kurt. Na época, ele tentou se convencer de que não tinha sido tão significativo, pelo menos não para ele. Por que ele pensou isso só porque não significava nada para ele… não realmente, ele continuou dizendo a si mesmo… que isso não iria assombrá-lo ou afetar seu relacionamento com Kurt? Naquela época, ele racionalizou suas ações dizendo a si mesmo que estava apenas fazendo um favor para um amigo? Sério Blaine? Um favor para um amigo foi emprestar dinheiro para pagar o aluguel. Estava dando uma carona quando o carro deles quebrou. ISSO estava fazendo um favor! Muito longe do que ele se permitiu fazer por causa da amizade.

E aqui estava ele em Paris com seu pai, a única pessoa no mundo com quem ele nunca foi capaz de discutir nada importante. Ele nem mesmo tinha seu conselheiro disponível para ele, a menos que quisesse discutir isso por telefone, o que é claro que ele absolutamente não queria! Ele deveria ter contado ao Dr. Milton sobre isso há muito tempo, mas parecia meio embaraçoso e bobo até a noite em que ele descobriu Kurt e Clay deitados no chão da sala. Ele reagiu sem pensar, assumindo o pior. E, no entanto, Kurt continuou tentando tranquilizá-lo de que sua reação não era exagerada, era normal! Ligar para o 911 era lógico… e se eles realmente estivessem feridos ou mesmo mortos? Ele não gostaria que Blaine tivesse feito nada além do que ele fez. Só porque no final era simplesmente uma questão de beber demais e conclusões equivocadas não significava que ele exagerava. Mas uma vez que toda a loucura havia passado, o segredo e a culpa que o acompanhava pareciam sair do esconderijo com uma vingança e não o deixariam em paz nem por um segundo.

Toda vez que Kurt ou Clay tentavam ter uma conversa honesta com ele, ele fazia o possível para terminar ou evitá-la, dizendo coisas como “não há nada para discutir porque nada aconteceu” ou “está tudo bem, apenas me dê algum tempo” ou outras mentiras sem sentido… porque se nada tivesse acontecido e tudo estivesse bem, nenhum deles estaria no meio do dilema em que se encontravam. Clay achando que deveria se mudar, Kurt chorando no meio da noite quando achava que Blaine era bom. dormindo.

Ele continuou esperando que tudo morresse de morte natural com o tempo, que a vida voltasse a algo parecido com o normal. Então, talvez ele pudesse apagá-lo de sua memória, como se fosse simplesmente um parágrafo redundante na história de sua vida. Como se sua consciência fosse controlada por computador ou algo assim. Como se ele pudesse simplesmente desligá-lo e reiniciar sua vida ou pelo menos essa parte dela. Como ele queria!

Na época, não parecia realmente trapacear ou era isso que ele ficava dizendo a si mesmo. Ele tentou esquecer suas conversas e conseguiu na maior parte. Mas, ele sabia melhor. Toda vez que falavam sobre isso, falavam sobre seu relacionamento com Kurt, quase nunca mencionando seu nome. Então, se eles nem queriam mencionar o nome dele, certamente isso era uma indicação de que pelo menos ele deveria ter nomeado errado. Errado, errado, errado!

Ele olhou para o protetor de tela em seu telefone. Era uma de suas fotos favoritas. Kurt naquela roupa preta sexy que ele estava usando na noite em que Blaine o pediu em casamento. Ele o amava tanto! Em retrospectiva, ele sabia que deveria ter discutido isso com Kurt muito antes de deixá-lo ir tão longe. Não é como se ele não soubesse disso antes mesmo de conhecer Kurt. Kurt sempre foi tão lógico. Ele teria colocado isso em perspectiva, provavelmente pegando um bloco de papel e listando todos os prós e contras. Blaine deu um meio sorriso para isso… ele não conseguia imaginar ninguém além de Kurt fazendo uma lista em torno desse tópico em particular. Quem ele estava enganando? Kurt teria pensado que ele tinha enlouquecido!

“Você está pronto, Blaine?” seu pai perguntou interrompendo seus pensamentos. Eles passaram os últimos dois dias vendo todos os principais locais de Paris, a Torre Eiffel, o Louvre, a Catedral de Notre-Dame. Hoje, eles iriam perambular por alguns lugares e lojas fora do caminho que outros turistas haviam falado para eles. Apesar de tudo, ele estava realmente gostando dessa viagem. Claro, às vezes ele tinha um vislumbre do velho Laine, aquele que ele nunca poderia chamar de pai, mas ele conhecia seu pai… Correção, Laine, seu pai, estava realmente tentando. E ele sentiu que se seu pai pudesse deixar de lado o que costumava ser seu não relacionamento e trabalhar para o presente e o futuro, ele também poderia. Houve um tempo, não muito tempo atrás, em que até mesmo a ideia de fazer algo tão turístico como passear pelas lojas em Paris teria soado tão ridículo quanto Blaine vestindo um casaco e gravata para ir a um emprego no hospital onde Laine trabalhava.

“Claro, pai, só me dê um segundo”, disse ele se levantando da cadeira do canto e indo em direção ao seu quarto para vestir uma polo e tirar sua camiseta. Laine o observou ir querendo perguntar o que estava em sua mente. Ele não era cego ou surdo para esse assunto. Ele sabia que Blaine estava mandando mensagens para alguém regularmente, muitas vezes ouvindo Blaine rindo em seu quarto. E ele sabia que havia uma ligação ocasional e duvidava que estivesse ligando para Barb e tentando tanto esconder isso de Laine. Mas o relacionamento deles, embora se tornasse mais sólido, ele pensou, ainda era frágil. Ele não conseguia pensar em uma maneira de perguntar a Blaine o que o estava incomodando sem que ele tentasse desistir com a palavra “Nada”. Ou a frase: “Só um pouco cansado”.

Ele parecia preocupado desde antes de entrarem no avião em Nova York. A princípio, Laine atribuiu a Blaine apenas estar um pouco nervoso fazendo esta longa viagem com seu pai, um pai que nunca esteve lá para ele até que ele e Barb se divorciaram. E talvez isso fosse verdade no começo, mas fazia pouco mais de um mês que eles haviam chegado à Europa com um itinerário repleto de lugares para ir e lugares para ver. E até onde ele podia dizer Blaine parecia bem relaxado com ele agora.

“Ok, pronto”, disse Blaine, parecendo ansioso para colocar o show na estrada. Ele estava determinado a não perder esse tempo com seu pai, sabendo que talvez nunca tivesse a oportunidade de passar tanto tempo com Laine novamente, muito menos fazer uma turnê de dois meses pela Europa. Ele não podia mudar o futuro, então ele propositalmente desejou seus pensamentos para o presente.

Kurt desligou a ligação e se recostou na cadeira da sala, esticando os braços acima da cabeça. Burt saiu cedo para o trabalho e Carole foi almoçar com seu clube do livro. Ele só falava com Blaine uma vez por semana porque era um pouco mais caro do que ele se sentia confortável. Até Kurt terminar a faculdade, Burt concordou em pagar a conta do celular e Kurt não ia aproveitar o presente.

Blaine parecia estar se divertindo e, surpreendentemente, ele disse que estava chegando mais perto de Laine do que imaginava. Ele disse que eles pelo menos romperam a barreira da conversa entre esportes e escola. Laine tinha compartilhado mais sobre sua infância. Coisas sobre os avós que ele raramente via e às vezes ele tinha certeza de ter ouvido um toque de arrependimento na voz de Laine. Ele sabia que não estava perto de sua família e desde que Laine sempre foi tão distante com ele, meio que fazia sentido. O que Blaine não sabia era que o futuro de seu pai havia sido basicamente planejado para ele desde o dia em que ele deu seu primeiro suspiro.

Blaine ainda estava um pouco desconfortável fazendo perguntas a Laine, mas ele se perguntou o que teria escolhido fazer com sua vida se sentisse que tinha a capacidade de escolher. Blaine não conseguia pensar em nada mais chato do que ser um homem de negócios como seu pai. Ele adivinhou que deveria ser grato de alguma forma complicada que Laine colocou tanta distância entre eles que ele não parecia se importar com o que Blaine queria fazer com sua vida, além de não querer que ele escolhesse o entretenimento como o trabalho de sua vida. Até agora, isso não havia surgido como um tópico para discussão e ele esperava que eles pudessem evitá-lo, ponto final.

Kurt ouviu a porta da frente fechar e espiou pela esquina para ver se era Burt ou Carole. Fazia muito tempo, mas às vezes ele até esperava que fosse Finn momentaneamente esquecendo que Finn nunca mais entraria por aquela porta novamente. Burt acenou para Kurt a caminho da geladeira para pegar uma cerveja gelada. Era o habitual calor infernal de julho de Ohio e ele estava pensando naquela cerveja desde que percebeu que poderia sair mais cedo do trabalho. “Quer algo?” ele perguntou, virando a cabeça enquanto se inclinava sobre a porta da geladeira. “Claro! Uma Diet Coke seria bom,” Kurt respondeu colocando seu telefone na mesa de centro.

“Então, o que você fez hoje?” Burt perguntou, sabendo que Kurt tinha um dia de folga de seu trabalho em uma das lojas de roupas locais. “Apenas andando por aqui. Está muito quente e úmido lá fora”, com o que Burt dificilmente discordaria. “Acabei de falar com Blaine.” “E?” Burt ergueu uma sobrancelha. “Ele parece estar se divertindo muito.” Ele suspirou, “E se eu não tivesse estragado tanto, eu poderia estar lá com ele.”

Kurt não se conteve ao contar o fiasco ocorrido em Nova York na primavera passada. E dizer a Kurt pelo que parecia ser a centésima vez que o que aconteceu foi apenas um erro colossal não mudaria nada. Kurt teve que resolver isso sozinho. E Blaine também. Ele realmente pensou que o intervalo que os dois foram forçados a fazer acabaria sendo uma bênção disfarçada. Desde que Kurt disse a ele que Blaine havia pedido em casamento e ele disse sim, ele ficou um pouco preocupado. Claro, eles estavam juntos há quatro anos, então ele não podia dizer que eles estavam apressando alguma coisa, mas por mais difícil que esse dilema em particular fosse para Kurt e Blaine, ele acreditava que o tempo separados faria bem a eles. Ele sabia que não parecia lógico, especialmente porque eles passaram tanto tempo separados quando Kurt se mudou para Nova York e Blaine permaneceu em Lima para terminar o ensino médio, mas isso foi antes de eles terem dado o passo gigantesco de morarem juntos. . Esse foi um jogo de bola totalmente diferente.

“Kurt, eu sei que isso é fácil para mim dizer, mas você precisa ser paciente. E o que você está sentindo é normal sob as circunstâncias… e eu sei que nada disso ajuda. Vocês dois discutiram o que vão fazer quando ele voltar? Faltam apenas três semanas. Vocês quatro vão voltar a morar juntos e ver o que acontece? Você vai se encontrar antes para decidir seu próximo passo? Isso não é apenas sobre você e Blaine, embora eu tenha certeza que às vezes parece assim. E Rachel e Clay?

Kurt não tinha uma resposta, não que não tivesse pensado nisso. Ele fez planos para se encontrar com Clay e Rachel na semana seguinte, mas não sabia o que fazer sobre uma conversa com Blaine. Ele não queria fazer isso por mensagem ou telefonema, mas Blaine estava chegando em casa apenas alguns dias antes do início das aulas e ele achou que eles realmente precisavam ter seus arranjos de vida resolvidos antes disso. Não é como se eles não pudessem mudá-los se… ele não queria pensar se sim, ele parou e contou a Burt sobre seus planos de conhecer os outros dois. Deus! Tudo o que ele queria era que as coisas voltassem ao normal, de volta ao que eram antes “naquela noite”. “Podemos falar sobre outra coisa?” ele perguntou a Burt, seus olhos implorando para que ele dissesse sim.

Como ela poderia ter sido tão egoísta? Isso é o que realmente se resumia, não é? Colocando seus desejos, seus desejos sobre os dele? Ele nunca, nunca manteve um segredo dela, pelo menos que ela estivesse ciente. Claro que ela sabia sobre seu namorado, sua alma gêmea. Naquela época, ela era sua melhor amiga! E eles ainda eram amigos, eles ainda conversavam e mandavam mensagens, mas não com tanta frequência quanto antes. Ele estava certo! Ela encontrou sua própria alma gêmea e eles estavam noivos agora.

O casamento… era tudo em que ela parecia capaz de pensar. Ela ainda tinha dois anos de faculdade pela frente, mas eles conheceram seu primeiro ano. Nenhum deles queria esperar mais. Eles não tinham seguido o caminho tão comum nesses dias de morar juntos antes de se casarem. Claro, eles passaram a noite juntos, mas a ideia de montar sua futura casa foi uma das muitas surpresas divertidas que eles certamente os esperavam depois que eles disseram, sim. Deliberadamente, trazendo seus pensamentos de volta para o problema que ela havia deixado de lado desta vez para examinar, ela se concentrou na conversa frenética inicial que eles tiveram.

Ele ligou para ela alguns meses atrás em pânico e depois que ela finalmente o acalmou para obter a história completa, seu coração afundou. O que ele iria fazer? ele perguntou, a dor em sua voz evidente. A princípio, ela tentou evitar a pergunta, insistindo que ele não precisava fazer nada. Depois de tanto tempo, por que isso deveria importar? No grande esquema das coisas… mas ele não estava vivendo no grande esquema das coisas; ele estava vivendo no aqui e agora!

Após o choque inicial da história que ele contou e ter tempo e espaço para refletir sobre isso… para deixá-la afundar em sua psique, assim como ele teve que fazer… ela agora sabia o quanto isso importava. Naquela época, aos 16 anos?… incrível o que alguns anos curtos poderiam fazer pela maturidade de uma pessoa… o significado a iludiu. Afinal, ela era uma garota… então por que deveria ser um grande negócio? Foi o que ela disse a si mesma. Foi isso que ela usou como ferramenta para convencê-lo de que ninguém se importaria.

E agora aqui ela estava sentada pensando em quão estúpido isso soava. Se ninguém se importaria e se não fosse grande coisa, então por que eles sentiram a necessidade de escondê-lo em primeiro lugar? Como eu pude ser uma cadela tão manipuladora?

E tão desdenhoso de sua situação, “Foi apenas um erro bobo. Não é como se eles tivessem planejado! As pessoas ficam bêbadas e a estupidez vem com o território, não é?” ela disse, nem mesmo percebendo que ela poderia estar descrevendo sua própria falta de bom senso apenas alguns anos atrás. Mas… eles não estavam realmente bêbados quando fizeram o que fizeram. Ela disse a si mesma que não importava, sempre voltando ao fato de que ela era uma menina.

“Sim….” ele disse com um suspiro frustrado, “mas o ponto é que nada aconteceu! Eles estão andando por aí se sentindo culpados como o inferno por algo que nunca aconteceu! Eu por outro lado? Nós dois sabemos que algo realmente aconteceu!”

Ela não gostou nada disso, mas ela tinha que pelo menos reconhecer que ela entendeu o que ele estava dizendo. Ela não queria… mas ela queria. Um tanto relutante, ela se aventurou: “Ok, entendi… e sinto muito por ter colocado você nesta posição… o que posso fazer para corrigir isso?”

“Você? Por que você deveria ser o único a acertar… porra! Por que você deve assumir toda a responsabilidade? Eu nem sei se isso pode ser feito corretamente, consertado, remendado… que bagunça.”

“Olha, ele já me conhece, certo? Não é como se eu fosse um estranho.” Embora ele pudesse desejar que ela estivesse no momento em que tudo isso fosse dito e feito. “Se você acha que vai ajudar, podemos fazer isso juntos. E não sei se isso fará alguma diferença, mas eu não o conhecia naquela época; Eu nunca o conheci. Tudo o que eu sabia era o que você me disse, certo?

Ele ficou quieto o tempo suficiente para que seus pensamentos alcançassem o que ela estava dizendo. Sim, isso era tudo o que ele tinha falado naquela época. O quanto ele estava apaixonado pelo cara, descrevendo-o várias vezes, embora ele tivesse mostrado as fotos em seu telefone um milhão de vezes. Mas quando se tratava de suas conversas calmas sobre o que ela estava pedindo a ele? Ambos evitaram o nome dele… como se eles não o reivindicassem como uma pessoa, uma espécie de participante mesmo? que deu tudo certo. Ela podia ter 16 anos e ser imatura, mas não era idiota. Ele estava tentando dizer a ela não, ele não podia, ele não queria porque estava apaixonado… egoísta! Ela tinha sido tão malditamente egoísta! Ela quase podia ouvir o tom bajulador em sua voz na hora.

Agora que ela viu do verso do 16, ela ficou um pouco surpresa que ele ainda estava falando com ela! Ele poderia facilmente culpá-la, mas quando ela insistiu que era tudo culpa dela, ele disse: “Eu não era uma criança que não sabia dizer não! Você era… ainda é… um dos meus melhores amigos. Lembra que continuamos dizendo que não deixaríamos isso mudar a nós e nossa amizade? Sem arrependimentos, lembra?… E isso não mudou nossa amizade e eu sou grata por isso… mas isso me mudou… isso me mudou,” ela podia ouvir o começo de lágrimas em sua voz.

E agora ela estava chorando, mais por ele do que por ela mesma. Finalmente, tentando limpar a garganta, ela disse: “Mais uma razão para falarmos com ele juntos! Se você está determinado a contar a ele de qualquer maneira, pelo menos me deixe ajudar. Ajudaria? ele pensou. Honestamente, ele não conseguia ver como isso faria diferença de uma forma ou de outra… mas ela estava certa, ele estava determinado a dizer a ele. “Deixe-me pensar sobre isso.” ele respondeu: “e vamos manter contato enquanto isso?” soando como se ele pudesse duvidar que eles o fariam. “Claro”, ela o assegurou, “você nem deveria ter que perguntar isso.”

E eles permaneceram em contato, finalmente chegando à conclusão de que era um tiro 50/50, poderia ajudar ou não e assim como ele estava determinado a dizer a ele, ela estava tão determinada que ele não teria que fazer isso por si só.

Clay se sentiu como uma peça de um quebra-cabeça chinês, uma peça sendo empurrada e puxada contra sua vontade, sem saber se o jogador não identificado o colocaria no slot ao qual pertencia. E não tinha absolutamente nada a ver com seus companheiros de quarto distantes ou resolver a questão de seus futuros arranjos de vida. Na verdade, agora ele ansiava por esse problema quando comparado com o que ele estava enfrentando agora.

Seu coração estava quebrando e inchando com amor não resolvido, tudo ao mesmo tempo… e ele estava morrendo de medo. Fazia um mês desde o telefonema.

Ele tinha acabado de começar a se acostumar a ficar sozinho em seu grande loft e era bom. Se ainda seria “seu” loft no outono, não era algo que o universo o deixou a par. O que ele sabia é que não havia elefante em nenhum dos quartos agora, apenas muito espaço para respirar. Ele até recebeu alguns caras, uma boa mudança de ritmo de sempre ter que ir para a casa deles. E ele ainda não tinha conhecido ninguém com quem quisesse passar o futuro, mas, novamente, ele não estava olhando. Após a briga com Kurt e Blaine, ele não tinha mais certeza de que uma parceria (sua nova palavra para relacionamento) era algo que ele queria. Especialmente porque ele ainda se sentia culpado pelo papel que havia desempenhado que criou toda a situação complicada em primeiro lugar. Sim, sim, ele pensou consigo mesmo, não importa o que Blaine ou qualquer outra pessoa dissesse, ele tinha desempenhado um papel e se livrar da culpa levaria mais tempo.

Então, quando seu telefone tocou, incomum por si só, já que mensagens de texto eram seu modo usual de comunicação… e então quando ele viu o número muito familiar, ele ficou feliz por estar sentado. Droga! Ele deveria ter bloqueado isso há muito tempo… mas ele simplesmente não teve coragem de fazer isso. Ele percebeu enquanto continuava a olhar para ele que estava vivendo em um estado perpétuo de “e se”. E se as circunstâncias tivessem mudado? E se as coisas não tivessem dado certo? E se ele fosse necessário? Para quê, ele não sabia, mas estava farto de brincar de e se. Ele bloquearia esta noite… logo depois que ele decidisse se deveria responder… ou não.

Seu bom senso lhe disse para não responder… para bloqueá-lo… agora mesmo.!… mas sua mente não estava cooperando com seu corpo quando ele respondeu com um simples, mas direto, “Sim”. “Oi, Clay,” a voz disse hesitante, quase como se estivesse com medo de que Clay desligasse, “Como você está?” Como ele estava? Ele lutou contra o desejo de realmente responder a pergunta honestamente enquanto, ao mesmo tempo, lutava contra o desejo de desligar antes de dizer algo que certamente iria se arrepender. “Tudo bem, o que você quer.” Não houve mudança na inflexão… e não haveria. Ele queria que essa conversa terminasse. “Hum… precisamos conversar”, as palavras correram do telefone para o ouvido de Clay. “Por que?” Clay continuou com suas respostas monossilábicas, sua voz soando tensa e tensa.

Clay ouviu um suspiro profundo e então, “Olha, eu entendo se você não quiser nunca mais me ver ou ouvir de mim”, a mente de Clay gritou, Você acertou!, “mas é importante, muito importante”, a voz enfatizou, “mas….não pelo telefone, hum….. posso simplesmente vir? Prometo que não vou tomar muito do seu tempo.” De jeito nenhum ele iria encontrá-lo aqui! Fale sobre deixar a tentação reinar! Embora agora a única coisa que ele estava tentado a fazer era derrubá-lo! Ok, tudo bem, ótimo! Fosse o que fosse, ele o ouviria e depois deixaria claro que nunca mais queria ouvir falar dele, não nesta vida! “Ok,” sua voz ainda tão tensa quanto uma corda de violão, “que tal nos encontrarmos no The Panther em uma hora?” “Sim, claro… e obrigado, Clay, realmente, obrigado.” ele respondeu como se não pudesse se desconectar da voz de Clay.

Deus! Por que ele estava fazendo isso? Colocando-se na linha de fogo mais uma vez. Expondo-se a abrir uma ferida que ele agora percebia que nunca havia realmente fechado, não importava quantas vezes ele tentasse dizer a si mesmo que tinha – mesmo depois de todo esse tempo. Pelo menos era uma noite de sexta-feira! Sim, o Pantera estaria ocupado, mas talvez isso significasse que eles não iriam se demorar nessa conversa ou no que quer que fosse, e uma vez que terminasse? Ele poderia se sentar no bar e se afogar em suas mágoas, talvez encontrar uma conexão e voltar aqui para esquecer que a coisa toda tinha acontecido.

A parede de barulho o atingiu como um campo de força enquanto ele empurrava as pesadas portas do Panther. Este era um de seus lugares favoritos… e agora ele se perguntava se sugeri-lo como um ponto de encontro era um grande erro. Ele não queria ser lembrado toda vez que viesse aqui sobre isso… o que quer que fosse. Oh, bem, tarde demais agora, vamos engolir isso e acabar com isso. Ele olhou ao redor tentando localizá-lo em uma das cabines alinhadas nas paredes ou em uma das mesas espalhadas pela sala. E então… lá estava ele, mas havia alguém sentado à sua frente. O que foi isso? Ele era realmente tão frio e grosseiro a ponto de querer apresentá-lo ao seu novo namorado… e por quê? Oh, que diabos, ele pensou, aqui vamos nós.

“Ei!” ele gritou por cima do barulho, não querendo parecer zangado… ele parecia zangado? E por que eu deveria me importar! Ele reuniu sua coragem e o olhou diretamente nos olhos, mas não se atrevendo a falar seu nome. “Ah, oi Clay!” ele disse enquanto começava a apontar para seu companheiro de mesa, “Este é…” “Oi, eu sou Rick… e eu estava saindo. Apenas recuperar o atraso é tudo.” Rick rapidamente deslizou pela cabine e se foi.

“Você está com bom aspecto, Clay!” “Uh… obrigado,” ele respondeu não com humor para conversa fiada ou discutir sua aparência. E como se fosse uma deixa, o garçom chegou e anotou seu pedido de bebida, Heinekin. “Então, o que é tão importante?” Ele não iria prolongar isso.

“Clay, eu realmente sinto muito por…” “Não! Nós já tivemos essa discussão mais vezes do que eu gostaria de lembrar, então o que está acontecendo?” Ele não ficou realmente surpreso com a reação de Clay à sua ligação. Ele sabia que o machucara profundamente, mas na época ele sentiu que não tinha escolha… e talvez ele tivesse feito tudo errado, mas na época… bem? “Ok, olhe, é óbvio que você não vai me dar nenhuma folga,” ele disse com um meio sorriso e então olhou para os olhos de aço e sem emoção de Clay, “então… ok… Clay…” não havia boa maneira de dizer isso e se ele demorasse muito, ele estava honestamente com medo de que Clay simplesmente fosse embora antes que ele tivesse a chance de dizer as palavras, “quando eu terminei com você… eu estava doente…” O choque e a confusão no rosto de Clay não foram nada inesperados; ele tocou essa conversa repetidamente como um disco quebrado em um toca-discos em seu cérebro. “Doente? Como em doente? Mas o que isso tem a ver com… você não tem AIDS… tem?” Agora seu rosto ficou assustado. A primeira coisa que todo gay pensa quando alguém diz que está “doente”. E sim, houve muitos avanços no tratamento ao longo dos anos e não era o assassino que tinha sido no final do século 20, mas ainda causava medo em seu coração.

“Não, Clay, não AIDS”, ele quase riu, mas conseguiu se conter quando viu o olhar de horror no rosto de Clay. “Não… hum, eu tive câncer… câncer testicular… câncer testicular estágio III. Estou bem agora… mas… Clay sentiu como se fosse uma onda gigantesca quebrando na praia em um mar de emoções. Ele literalmente achatou seu corpo contra a parte de trás da cabine, seus dedos agarrando a borda da mesa, como se estivesse tentando se orientar em um ambiente desconhecido.

Finalmente, ele se inclinou sobre a mesa e quase sussurrou: “Você terminou comigo porque tinha câncer? Que sentido faz aquilo! É quando você mais precisa de mim, não acha? Ele sabia que deveria ter alguma simpatia por ele, mas parecia que qualquer simpatia que ele pudesse ter sentido havia desaparecido com a maré e tudo o que restava na praia era uma raiva fervente.

“Clay,….eu…..eu não estava pensando direito….eu não queria fazer você passar por meses de quimioterapia ou radiação….e na época, não importa o que eles me dissessem, eu tinha certeza que iria morrer. Estou em remissão agora e os médicos me dizem que as chances são boas de eu viver uma vida normal …. Eu disse a eles que nunca tive antes “, ele meio que riu, tentando fazer pouco caso.

Clay recostou-se na cabine novamente, notando que o garçom tinha ido e vindo em algum lugar no meio de toda a sua vida sendo virado de cabeça para baixo. Sua cerveja havia chegado. Ele tomou um longo gole, fechou os olhos, tentou respirar fundo sem engasgar e então voltou sua atenção para a conversa. “Eu não sei o que dizer. Claro que sinto muito que você tenha… teve? ele balançou a cabeça, “tanto faz, câncer, e eu sinto muito que você passou por tudo isso sozinho, mas parte de mim está louca como o inferno! Então, você teve câncer, não tem mais, provavelmente viverá cem anos… por que está me contando isso agora?

Timidamente, uma mão foi oferecida sobre a mesa, tentando pegar uma das mãos de Clay na dele, seus olhos assustados lacrimejando, “Porque eu nunca deixei de te amar e… eu quero você de volta, Clay.”

“Você está louco?” Clay não conseguia conter a raiva da qual queria se livrar. Ele queria pegar a mão que lhe oferecia amor e uma segunda chance. Ele queria professar seu amor com a mesma facilidade… mas era como se essas palavras não estivessem mais em seu vocabulário. “Você nunca deixou de me amar… mas não podia confiar em mim para estar lá durante o pior momento da sua vida? Que tipo de amor é esse? Não, entendi… entendi, sério… você não queria me ver sofrer com você. Você me amou nos bons momentos e de acordo com você me amou nos maus momentos também, mas você não achou que eu poderia fazer o mesmo? Você achou que seria melhor para mim acreditar que você não me ama mais… que talvez você tenha encontrado outra pessoa com quem “se estabelecer”? ele colocou aspas no ar. Ele quase podia sentir as ondas de ressentimento e indignação caindo sobre a mesa entre eles.

“Angelo, maldito seja! Maldito! Como você ousa……” Clay engasgou com suas palavras, “Eu nem sei o que dizer. Não espere! Eu sei o que dizer! Deixe-me em paz e nunca, nunca”, ele se inclinou para o rosto de Angelo quase sibilando as palavras enquanto se levantava, “me ligue de novo! Eu não quero ou preciso do seu tipo de amor!” Ele jogou uma nota cinco na mesa e atravessou a porta desejando uma batida satisfatória.

Categories
WILD WORLD

CHAPTER 7 – OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW NORMAL

“I love you, too, Kurt,” Blaine replied with a smile in his voice, “Yes, I’ll text you tonight, you know I will,” he answered when Kurt asked. He texted him every night, not denying either of them the connection they both needed no matter how tenuous it sometimes seemed. He knew Kurt just needed a little reassurance. At the moment it was as if Blaine had the upper hand, at least in Kurt’s eyes, because Kurt was the one who felt guilty even though he’d done nothing wrong. Stupid? Yes, perhaps it was stupid…okay, really stupid, but not wrong.

Ever since Blaine and his dad had boarded the overcrowded jet bound for Europe, he couldn’t seem to flip the switch in his brain that would allow him to stop scrutinizing every possible scenario, every word, every potential reaction and response to the conversation he knew lay ahead when he returned home. There was no choice and he couldn’t allow himself to use the excuses he had in the past. His overburdened conscience wouldn’t allow his secret to lie dormant anymore. Sometimes he’d still try to negotiate with himself asking what good it would do to tell him? Wasn’t he being selfish…even cruel knowing the unnecessary pain his revelation might cause? And all because he wanted to clear his own conscience?

He’d somehow hoped that it was something he’d never have to share with anyone and especially not Kurt. At the time, he’d tried to convince himself that it hadn’t been all that significant, at least not for him. Why had he thought that just because it hadn’t meant anything to him….not really, he kept telling himself….. that it wouldn’t haunt him or affect his relationship with Kurt? Back then, he’d rationalized his actions by telling himself he was just doing a favor for a friend? Really Blaine? A favor for a friend was loaning them money to pay the rent. It was giving them a ride when their car broke down. THAT was doing a favor! A far cry from what he’d allowed himself to do for the sake of friendship.

And here he was in Paris with his dad, the one person in the world that he’d never been able to discuss anything of significance with. He didn’t even have his counselor available to him unless he wanted to discuss this over the phone, which of course he absolutely did not! He should have told Dr. Milton about it a long time ago, but it seemed sort of embarassing and silly until the night when he’d discovered Kurt and Clay lying on the livingroom floor. He’d reacted without thinking, assuming the worst. And yet, Kurt kept trying to reassure him that his reaction was not an over-reaction, it was normal! Calling 911 was logical….and what if they really had been injured or even dead? He wouldn’t have wanted Blaine to have done anything other than what he had. Just because in the end it was simply a matter of too much to drink and mistaken conclusions didn’t mean he’d over-reacted. But once all the craziness had died down, the secret and accompanying guilt seemed to come out of hiding with a vengeance and wouldn’t leave him alone for even a second.

Every time Kurt or Clay tried to have an honest conversation with him, he did his best to end it or avoid it, saying things like “there’s nothing to discuss because nothing happened” or “it’s okay, just give me some time” or other meaningless lies…because if nothing had happened and everything was okay none of them would have been in the middle of the dilemma they found themselves in. Clay thinking he should move out, Kurt crying in the middle of the night when he thought Blaine was sound asleep.

He kept hoping it would just all die a natural death with time, that life would go back to some semblance of normal. Then, maybe he could delete it from his memory, as if it was simply a redundant paragraph in the story of his life. Like his conscience was computer-driven or something. Like he could just turn it off and reboot his life or at least that part of it. How he wished!

At the time, it hadn’t really felt like cheating or that’s what he kept telling himself. He tried to forget about their conversations and he’d succeeded for the most part. But, he knew better. Every time they’d talked about it, they’d talked around his relationship with Kurt, hardly ever mentioning his name. So, if they didn’t even want to mention his name surely that was an indication that at least he should have named it as wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

He glanced down at the screensaver on his phone. It was one of his favorite photos. Kurt in that sexy black outfit he was wearing the night Blaine had proposed to him. He loved him so much! In hindsight, he knew he should have discussed this with Kurt long before he let it go so far. It’s not like he hadn’t known about it before he even met Kurt. Kurt was always so logical. He would have put it in perspective, probably grabbing a pad of paper and listing all the pros and cons. Blaine half-smiled at that…he couldn’t picture anyone but Kurt making a list surrounding this particular topic. Who was he kidding? Kurt would have thought he’d lost his mind!

“Are you ready, Blaine?” his dad asked interrupting his thoughts. They’d spent the last two days taking their time seeing all the major sites in Paris, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Cathedrale Notre-Dame. Today, they were going to meander some out-of-the way places and shops that other tourists had told them about. Despite everything, he was truly enjoying this trip. Sure, sometimes he’d catch a glimpse of the old Laine, the one he could never call dad, but he knew his father…correction, Laine, his dad, was really trying. And he felt that if his dad could push aside what used to be their nonrelationship and work toward the present and future, he could, too. There’d been a time not so long ago when even the idea of doing something so touristy as wandering through shops in Paris would have sounded as ridiculous as Blaine wearing a coat and tie to go to a job at the hospital where Laine worked.

“Sure, dad, just give me a second,” he said getting up from the corner chair and heading toward his bedroom to change into a polo and out of his T-shirt. Laine watched him go wanting to ask what was on his mind. He wasn’t blind or deaf for that matter. He knew that Blaine was texting someone regularly, often hearing Blaine laughing in his room. And he knew there was the occasional call and he doubted he was calling Barb and trying so hard to hide it from Laine. But their relationship, although becoming more solid he thought, was still fragile He couldn’t think of a way to ask Blaine what was bothering him without him trying to drop it with the word, “Nothing.” Or the phrase, “Just a little tired.”

He’d seemed preoccupied ever since before they’d stepped on the plane in New York. At first, Laine had put it down to Blaine just being a little nervous taking this long trip with his father, a father who had never been there for him up until he and Barb had divorced. And perhaps that was true in the beginning, but it had been a little over a month since they’d arrived in Europe with an itinerary jam-packed full of places to go and sites to see. And as far as he could tell Blaine seemed pretty relaxed with him by now.

“Okay, ready,” Blaine said, appearing eager to get the show on the road. He was determined not to waste this time with his dad, knowing he might never have the opportunity to spend this much time with Laine again, much less go on a two-month tour of Europe. He couldn’t change the future, so he purposefully willed his thoughts to the present.

Kurt disconnected the call and leaned back in the livingroom chair, stretching his arms above his head. Burt had left for work early and Carole had gone to lunch with her book club. He only talked with Blaine once a week because it was a little more costly than he was comfortable with. Until Kurt was done with college, Burt had agreed to pay his cell phone bill and Kurt wasn’t going to take advantage of the gift.

Blaine seemed to be having a good time and, surprisingly, he said he was even getting closer to Laine than he thought he ever would. He said they’d at least broken through the conversation barrier of sports and school. Laine had shared more about his childhood. Things about the grandparents he rarely saw and sometimes he was sure he heard a touch of regret in Laine’s voice. He knew that he wasn’t close to his family and since Laine had always been so distant with him, it sort of made sense. What Blaine hadn’t known was that his dad’s future had basically been planned for him from the day he took his first breath.

Blaine was still a little uncomfortable asking Laine questions, but he wondered what he would have chosen to do with his life if he’d felt he had the ability to choose. Blaine couldn’t think of anything more boring than being a businessman like his dad. He guessed he should be thankful in some convoluted way that Laine had put so much distance between them that he didn’t seem to care what Blaine wanted to do with his life, other than not wanting him to choose entertainment as his life’s work. So far that hadn’t come up as a topic for discussion and he was hoping they could avoid it, period.

Kurt heard the front door close and peeked around the corner to see if it was Burt or Carole. It had been a long time, but sometimes he even expected it to be Finn momentarily forgetting that Finn would never walk through that door again. Burt waved at Kurt on his way to the fridge to grab a cold beer. It was the usual hot as hell Ohio July and he’d been thinking about that beer ever since he’d realized he could leave work early. “Want something?” he asked, turning his head as he bent over the refrigerator door. “Sure! A Diet Coke would be nice,” Kurt replied placing his phone on the coffee table.

“So what have you been up to today?” Burt asked, knowing that Kurt had a day off from his job at one of the local clothing stores. “Just hanging around here. It’s just too hot and humid out there,” which Burt could hardly disagree with. “I just talked to Blaine.” “And?” Burt lifted an eyebrow. “He seems to be having a great time.” He sighed, “And if I hadn’t screwed up so badly I might have been there with him.”

Kurt hadn’t held back in his telling of the fiasco that had taken place in New York last spring. And telling Kurt for what seemed like the hundredth time that what had happened was just one collosal mistake wouldn’t change anything. Kurt had to work this out on his own. And so did Blaine for that matter. He actually thought the break the two of them had sort of been forced to take would turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Ever since Kurt had told him that Blaine had proposed and he’d said yes, he’d been a little concerned. Sure, they’d been together for four years, so he couldn’t say they were rushing anything, but as hard as this particular dilemma was for Kurt and Blaine, he believed the time apart would do them good. He knew it didn’t sound logical, especially since they’d spent so much time apart when Kurt moved to New York and Blaine had remained in Lima to finish high school, but that was before they’d taken the giant step of living together. That was an entirely different ball game.

“Kurt, I know this is easy for me to say, but you need to be patient. And what you’re feeling is normal under the circumstances…and I know none of that helps. Have you two discussed what you’re going to do when he returns? It’s only about three weeks away. Are the four of you just going to move back in together and see what happens? Are you going to meet beforehand to decide your next move? This isn’t just about you and Blaine, although I’m sure sometimes it feels that way. What about Rachel and Clay?”

Kurt didn’t have an answer, not that he hadn’t thought about it. He’d made plans to get together with Clay and Rachel the following week, but he didn’t know what to do about a conversation with Blaine. He didn’t want to do it via text or a phone call, but Blaine was getting home only a few days before school started again and he thought they really needed to have their living arrangements settled before then. It’s not like they couldn’t change them if….he didn’t want to think about if so he stalled and told Burt about his plans to meet the other two. God! All he wanted was for things to go back to normal, back to the way they’d been before “that night.” “Can we talk about something else?” he asked Burt, his eyes begging him to say yes.

How could she have been so selfish? That’s what it really boiled down to, didn’t it? Putting her desires, her wants over his? He’d never, ever kept a secret from her, at least that she was aware of. Of course she’d known about his boyfriend, his soul mate. Back then, she’d been his best friend! And they were still friends, they still talked and texted, just not as often as they once did. He’d been right! She’d found her own soul mate and they were engaged now.

The wedding…that’s all she seemed able to think about. She still had two years of college to go, but they’d met their freshman year. Neither wanted to wait any longer. They hadn’t taken the path so common these days of moving in together before they got married. Sure, they’d had overnights together but the idea of setting up their future home was one of the many fun surprises they were sure awaited them after they said, I do. Willfully, drawing her thoughts back to the issue she’d set aside this time to examine, she zeroed in on the initial frantic conversation they’d had.

He’d called her a few months ago in a panic and after she’d finally calmed him down to get the full story, her heart sank. What was he going to do? he’d asked, the ache in his voice evident. At first she’d tried to avoid the question, insisting he didn’t have to do anything. After this long why should it even matter? In the grand scheme of things….but he wasn’t living in the grand scheme of things; he was living in the here and now!

After the initial shock of the tale that he told and having time and space to mull it over…to let it sink into her psyche just as he had had to do….she now knew just how much it mattered. Back then, at 16?….amazing what a couple short years could do for a person’s maturity….the significance eluded her. After all, she was a girl….so why should it be a big deal? That’s what she told herself. That’s what she’d used as a tool to convince him that no one would care.

And now here she sat thinking about how utterly stupid that sounded. If no one would care and if it wasn’t a big deal then why had they felt the need to hide it in the first place? How could I have been such a manipulative bitch?

And so dismissive of his predicament, “It was just a silly mistake. It’s not like they planned it! People get drunk and stupid comes with the territory, doesn’t it?” she said, not even realizing that she might have been describing their own lack of good sense just a few years ago. But…..they hadn’t really been drunk by the time they did what they did. She’d told herself that it didn’t matter, always coming back to the fact that she was a girl.

“Yes….” he’d said with a frustrated sigh, “but the point is nothing happened! They’re walking around feeling guilty as hell for something that never even happened! Me on the other hand? We both know something really, really happened!”

She didn’t like it at all, but she had to at least acknowledge that she got what he was saying. She didn’t want to….but she did. Somewhat reluctantly she ventured, “Okay, I get it…..and I’m sorry I put you in this position….what can I do to make it right?”

“You? Why should you be the only one to make it right….fuck! Why should you shoulder all of the responsibility? I don’t even know if it can be made right, fixed, patched….what a mess.”

“Look, he already knows me, right? It’s not like I’m some stranger.” Although he might wish that she was by the time all of this was said and done. “If you think it will help, we can do this together. And I don’t know if this’ll make any difference, but I didn’t know him back then; I’d never met him. All I knew was what you’d told me, right?”

He was quiet long enough for her thoughts to catch up with what she was saying. Yeah, that was all he’d talked about back then. How much he was in love with the guy, describing him over and over even though he’d shown her the pictures on his phone a million times. But when it came to their quiet talks about what she was asking of him? They’d both avoided his name…..like if they didn’t actually claim him as a person, a sort of participant even? that it made everything okay. She may have been 16 and immature but she wasn’t an idiot. He’d been trying to tell her no, he couldn’t, he didn’t want to because he was in love…..selfish! She’d been so damn selfish! She could almost hear the wheedling tone in her voice at the time.

Now that she saw it from the back side of 16, she was actually somewhat surprised he was even still speaking to her! He could have very easily blamed her but when she’d insisted it was all her fault, he said, “I wasn’t a child who didn’t know how to say no! You were…still are….one of my best friends. Remember we kept saying we wouldn’t let it change us and our friendship? No regrets, remember?….And it didn’t change our friendship and I’m grateful for that….but it changed me….it changed me,” she could hear the beginning of tears in his voice.

And now she was crying, more for him than for herself. Finally, making an attempt to clear her throat, she said, “All the more reason that we should talk to him together! If you’re determined to tell him anyway at least let me help.” Would it help? he thought. Honestly, he couldn’t see how it would make a difference one way or the other…but she was right, he was determined to tell him. “Let me think about it.” he replied, “and we’ll keep in touch in the meantime?” sounding like he might doubt that they would. “Of course,” she reassured him, “you shouldn’t even have to ask that.”

And they had stayed in touch finally coming to the conclusion that it was a 50/50 shot, it might help or it might not and just as he was determined to tell him, she was just as determined that he wouldn’t have to do this alone.

Clay felt like a piece in a Chinese puzzle, a tile being pushed and pulled against his will, not knowing if the unidentified player would ever slip him into the slot where he belonged. And it had absolutely nothing to do with his far-flung room mates or solving the issue of their future living arrangements. In fact, right now he longed for that problem when compared with what he was up against now.

His heart was breaking and swelling with unresolved love all at the same time….and he was scared to death. It had been a month since the phone call.

He’d just started to get used to being alone in their great big loft and it felt good. Whether it would still be “their” loft come fall wasn’t something the universe had made him privy to. What he did know is that there was no elephant in any of the rooms now, just lots of breathing space. He’d even had a couple of guys over, a nice change of pace from always having to go to their place. And he hadn’t met anyone yet that he wanted to spend the future with, but then again he wasn’t looking. After the blowup with Kurt and Blaine, he wasn’t sure anymore that a partnership (his new word for relationship) was something he even wanted. Especially since he still felt guilty for the part he’d played that had created the whole sticky situation in the first place. Yeah, yeah, he thought to himself, no matter what Blaine or anyone else said, he’d played a part and ridding himself of the guilt would take more time.

So when his phone rang, unusual in and of itself since texting was his usual mode of communication…..and then when he saw the all-too-familiar number he was glad he’d been sitting down. Damn! He should have blocked it long ago….but he just hadn’t had the heart to do it. He realized as he continued to stare at it that he’d been living in a perpetual state of “what if.” What if circumstances had changed? What if things hadn’t worked out? What if he was needed? For what, he didn’t know, but he was done with playing what if. He’d block it tonight….right after he decided whether to answer…..or not.

His commonsense told him not to answer it…..to block it…right now.!…but his mind wasn’t cooperating with his body as he answered with a simple, but flat, “Yeah.” “Hi, Clay,” the voice said hesitantly almost as if he was afraid Clay would hang up, “How are you doing?” How was he doing? He fought the urge to actually answer the question honestly while at the same time fighting the urge to hang up before he said something he would most assuredly regret. “Fine, what do you want.” There was no change in inflection….and there wouldn’t be. He wanted this conversation done. “Um….we need to talk,” the words rushed from the phone and into Clay’s ear. “Why?” Clay continued with his monosyllabic responses, his voice sounding tight and strained.

Clay heard a deep sigh and then, “Look, I understand if you don’t want to ever see or hear from me again,” Clay’s mind screamed, You got that right!, “but it’s important, really important,” the voice emphasized, “but….not over the phone, um…..can I just come over? I promise I won’t take up much of your time.” No way in hell he was going to meet him here! Talk about letting temptation reign! Although right now the only thing he was tempted to do was deck him! Okay, fine, great! Whatever it was, he’d hear him out and then make it clear that he never wanted to hear from him ever again, not in this life! “Okay,” his voice still as taut as a guitar string, “how about we meet at The Panther in an hour?” “Yeah, of course……and thanks, Clay, really, thanks.” he replied as if he was unable to disconnect himself from Clay’s voice.

God! Why was he doing this? Putting himself right in the line of fire once again. Exposing himself to opening a wound that he now realized had never really closed, no matter how many times he tried to tell himself it had – even after all this time. At least it was a Friday night! Yes, The Panther would be busy, but maybe that meant they wouldn’t linger over this conversation or whatever it was going to be, and once it was done? He could sit at the bar and drown himself in his sorrows, maybe find a hookup and come back here to hopefully forget the whole thing had happened.

The wall of noise hit him like a force field as he pushed on the heavy doors of The Panther. This was one of his favorite hangouts….and now he wondered if suggesting it as a meeting place was a big mistake. He didn’t want to be reminded every time he came here about this…whatever this was going to be. Oh, well, too late now, let’s suck it up and get this over with. He looked around trying to spot him in one of the booths lining the walls or at one of the tables scattered throughout the room. And then….there he was, but there was someone sitting across from him. What was this? Was he really so cold and crass as to want to introduce him to his new boyfriend…and why? Oh, what the hell, he thought, here we go.

“Hey!” he yelled over the noise, not meaning to sound angry….did he sound angry? And why should I care! He gathered his courage and looked him straight in the eye, but not daring to speak his name. “Oh, hi Clay!” he said as he started to motion to his table companion, “This is…” “Hi, I’m Rick…and I was just leaving. Just catching up is all.” Rick quickly slid across the booth and was gone.

“You’re looking good, Clay!” “Uh…thanks,” he replied not in the mood for small talk or discussing his looks. And as if on cue, the waiter arrived and took his drink order, Heinekin. “So, what’s so important?” He wasn’t going to prolong this.

“Clay, I’m really sorry about….” “No! We’ve already had this discussion more times than I care to remember, so what’s going on?” He wasn’t really surprised by Clay’s reaction to his call. He knew he’d hurt him deeply but at the time he’d felt he had no choice….and maybe he’d done it all wrong, but at the time…well? “Okay, look, it’s obvious you’re not going to cut me any slack,” he said with a half-smile and then looked at Clay’s steely, emotionless eyes, “so….okay…..Clay…” there was no good way to say this and if he took too long he was honestly afraid Clay would just leave before he had a chance to get the words out, “when I broke up with you….I was sick….” The shock and confusion on Clay’s face was not at all unexpected; he’d played this conversation over and over like a broken record on a turntable in his brain. “Sick? As in ill? But what’s that got to do with……you don’t have AIDS…do you?” Now his face turned to frightened. The first thing every gay man thought of when someone said they were “sick.” And yes there’d been tons of advancements in treatment over the years and it wasn’t the killer it had been in the late 20th Century, but it still struck fear into his heart.

“No, Clay, not AIDS,” he almost laughed but managed to stop himself when he saw the look of horror on Clay’s face. “No….um, I had cancer…..testicular cancer….stage III testicular cancer. I’m okay now….but…” Clay felt like he was a gigantic wave crashing into the shore on a sea of emotions. He’d literally flattened his body against the back of the booth, his fingers gripping the edge of the table, as if he was trying to get his bearings in an unfamiliar environment.

Finally he leaned into the table and almost whispered, “you broke up with me because you had cancer? What kind of sense does that make! That’s when you would need me the most, don’t ya think?” He knew he should have some sympathy for him, but it seemed that any sympathy he might have felt had washed out with the tide and all that was left on the shore was a seething anger.

“Clay,….I…..I wasn’t thinking straight….I didn’t want to put you through the months of chemo or radiation….and at the time no matter what they told me I was sure I was going to die. I’m in remission now and the doctors tell me chances are good I’ll live a normal life….I told them I never had before,” he sort of laughed, trying to make light of it.

Clay leaned back in the booth again noticing that the waiter had come and gone somewhere in the midst of his entire life being turned on its head. His beer had arrived. He took a long swallow, closed his eyes, tried to take a deep breath without choking and then turned his attention back to the conversation. “I don’t know what to say. Of course I’m sorry you have…had?” he shook his head, “whatever, cancer, and I’m sorry you went through all that alone, but part of me is mad as hell! So, you had cancer, you don’t anymore, you’ll probably live to be a hundred….why are you telling me this now?”

Tentatively, a hand was offered across the table, trying to take one of Clay’s hands in his, his frightened eyes tearing up, “Because I never stopped loving you and….I want you back, Clay.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Clay couldn’t seem to hold in the anger that he wanted to be rid of. He wanted to take the hand that offered him love and a second chance. He wanted to profess his love just as easily….but it was as if those words were no longer in his vocabulary. “You never stopped loving me….but you couldn’t trust me to be there during the worst time in your life? What kind of love is that? No, I get it…I get it, really….you didn’t want to watch me suffer with you. You loved me through the good times and according to you you loved me through the bad times, too, but you didn’t think I could do the same? You thought it would be better for me to believe you didn’t love me anymore…that maybe you’d found someone else to “settle down” with?” he put in air quotes. He could almost feel the waves of resentment and outrage crashing over the table between them.

“Angelo, damn you! Damn you! How dare you……” Clay choked on his words, “I don’t even know what to say. No wait! I do know what to say! Leave me alone and don’t ever, not ever,” he leaned into Angelo’s face almost hissing the words as he stood up, “call me again! I don’t want or need your kind of love!” He threw a five on the table and walked through the door wishing for a satisfying slam.

Categories
WRITE ON!

SEA S0NG – CHAPTER 2 – INEVITABLE

CHAPTER 2 – INEVITABLE

Javi rested his head in his hands and sighed as he observed the studying he had to do for tomorrow’s test. Math was not his forte, but then again, there were few classes he enjoyed at all. In his opinion, notebooks were only good for one thing – songwriting. His schooling was a constant source of friction between him and his parents. His family was far from rich and he’d tried to convince them that if he didn’t have to go to school he could get a job and help out with daily living expenses, but they would have none of it. It was hard enough to find a decent job in Mexico and cutting your education short only made it that much harder. And besides, in the back of their minds they feared Javier would take the opportunity to take flight chasing his fanciful, starry-eyed dreams right then rather than later.

I could have been in Mexico City two years ago! was his thought as he glared down at the numerical equations he found so frustrating. But, of course, he hadn’t dared to utter even a single word about the city where he was sure all of his dreams would take shape and come true. In their minds he foolishly believed that Mexico City was the equivalent of the Land of Oz, although in the end Dorothy did return to her home in Kansas. And they clung to that hope – that he’d return to his home by the sea after realizing that Mexico City’s bright lights were only an illusion and that there really was “no place like home.”

And Javi never questioned that they were absolutely right in their assumptions that he’d take the first opportunity given to him to escape. But, he would make sure that when that day came, no one would know. The idea of him making a living two years ago at the age of 14 doing anything was unrealistic and frightening, to them. Of course he knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he as yet had no concept of how frightening it could be. In secret, he’d kept in touch with his older brother, but their letters were often few and far between. His friend, Emilio, was their confidential mail service and their post office was the alcove on the beach that formed a small, but deep cave. He saw Emilio almost every day either at school or in choir practice and they’d often share the beach calling it their dream-catcher. Emilio didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do with his future, all he knew was that, like Javi, it didn’t include remaining here. He told Javi often that the older he got, the more he felt this city closing in around him, leaving him feeling like he was suffocating. Javi didn’t have to tell him again that he understood. And then they’d joke about how Emilio could be his manager or a stage hand or maybe even one of his musicians….if he’d only get around to learning how to play an instrument!

His brother assured him he would have a place to stay, so it wasn’t like he’d be living on the streets. And, of course, he’d let his parents know once he got there so they wouldn’t worry. Or maybe he’d leave them a note, his thoughts shrugged. Either way, what did it matter? He had no clue what it was like to be a parent, that they’d worry no matter what he did or where he went if it took him away from the safety of this city by the sea.

He couldn’t focus on math, not now; he’d allowed himself to get sidetracked again by plans for the future. The sunlit spot on the floor told him that there were still a few hours of daylight left. Maybe if he took a ride along the seashore it would clear his mind or if nothing else, give him a distraction until he was forced to study later. He left the book open knowing that if he didn’t he might not find the resolve to pick up where he’d left off and also it made it look like he’d been studying all along in case his mama happened to check in on him. He found a piece of paper and scribbled, “Just went for a ride, be back soon” on it, leaving it in the middle of the book so she’d see it.

He loved his bicycle. It was a worn-looking red, his favorite color. It was his only source of transportation and allowed him the freedom to go places he would otherwise have no access to. Of course, his parents dictated his parameters, and he never went beyond them….well, almost never. But what he loved doing most of all was riding along the seashore, the waves lapping across the sand as they chased him in and out.

When he got to his destination, the alcove that doubled as a post office at the far end of the beach, he carefully parked his bike and sat down on the rock surrounding the opening. The very place that the sea had first told him, “It’s time!” Tomorrow he would turn 16 and only three of his siblings were still living at home. Perhaps that was one of the reasons they seemed to hold on so tightly to Javi. And then he’d heard the story of his birth so many times….maybe that was part of it, too.

According to his parents he almost hadn’t made it into this world alive and his mama had barely escaped that same fate. Sometimes when she looked at him it seemed like she still wasn’t sure he was truly there in front of her. Sometimes, he’d reach out to her and pat her shoulder just to reassure her. Or maybe he only imagined it. Still, he would reach out to her allowing just a glimpse of that smile, his dimples winking in and out, that never ceased to reward him with a rare smile from her. He was too old for sitting on her lap or hugs. He loved her so much, but he’d passed the age where he felt comfortable with effusive displays of affection. And as he’d grown older, his papa seemed to become more distant. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d hugged each other.

Octavio sat in the tranquility of the church sanctuary alone. It was the time of day he always looked forward to, not quite dusk when the sun hadn’t yet begun its game of playing hide and seek with the horizon. He’d made a habit of sitting here in the same pew every day, taking stock of what he’d accomplished and what he had yet to do tomorrow. It was also the only time he truly had to himself. If it wasn’t the demands of the church and its members, it was his family. And he begrudged neither of them his time, but he knew he needed time alone with God to be the pastor, husband and father he envisioned himself being. He sighed deeply, more or less at peace with the role he played in God’s magnificent plan….yet, concerned and saddened by what he saw as Javier’s growing resistance and unrest surrounding the beliefs and tenets of the Church he’d been raised in; this building was where Octavio sensed God’s presence most often, just like Javier who insisted that he found God in the sea.

He didn’t like the fact that Javier believed that God could be found in the sea. It was too close to pantheism for his liking. Although he’d never said he worshipped the sea and he attended church faithfully, seeming to enjoy the rituals and music, he’d never really seemed to embrace the God of the Christian faith. He couldn’t explain it exactly. Javier wasn’t rebellious. He was an obedient child. He sighed again, as much as he wished it were true, Javier was no longer a child. He was a young man. A young man whose philosophical curiosity and questioning tendencies made him uneasy.

He loved his children, all of them, but Javier was so different. Maybe it was because he’d narrowly escaped death at birth. Did he somehow sense how fragile life was from the very beginning? It seemed as if Javier had always had one foot out the door, on his way to somewhere he was supposed to be that had nothing to do with this small town. Like he was just biding time until his real life began. And Octavio knew that as much as Javier loved his family, his home and the sea, he would only stay here until he exerted his desire for independence and was free to go…..on his terms. And he was free to go now, but seemed to be holding back for their sake, and not because he’d had some miraculous change of heart. Of course, they’d insisted he finish school, but that didn’t mean he had to. It didn’t mean that they wouldn’t awake one morning to find him gone.

He had fervently hoped that Javier would follow in his footsteps and become a pastor, maybe not here exactly, but he wanted to believe that he’d been spared at birth to achieve something special, even extraordinary, in God’s plan. His vast knowledge and love of music could take him far in the Christian Church, using all the facets of his multiple talents to achieve God’s will for him. But he was acutely aware that Javier had no desire to use the gifts God had lavished on him within these church walls…or within any church walls. Yes, Javier had taken to heart the words Octavio had used to explain the mysterious inner workings of life, “Everything in its time.” But “everything” to Javier – what he believed was his destiny – lay “out there.”

According to Javi (even though he hated the nickname, after hearing it for so many years, sometimes it would slip into his consciousness without him noticing), his destiny lay far away most likely beginning in Mexico City. He didn’t talk about it much anymore with Octavio because he knew it upset him and that he didn’t understand. And Octavio, for his part, tried to remain neutral, or at least appear that way, but he just couldn’t believe that God had given he and his wife, devout Christians, this boy, bursting with as yet untapped potential, only to snatch him away so that he could bestow it all on “the world” and not in service to the Lord.

He’d preached so many sermons based on the verses in John 15 about being in the world, but not of the world. Even though Jesus requested that they be protected from the evil one, purposefully taking yourself out of God’s fold, the Church, was asking for a whole quagmire of troubles. Even though Javier had not come right out and said that his goal in life was to share music with the world at large via pop music, or at least he hadn’t said it directly to Octavio, he’d known since Javier was a little boy that that was what he considered fulfilling his destiny.

Why? And how was he ever going to bring anyone to faith in the one and only God within the decadence of the music industry? The way Octavio saw it, he’d be too busy trying to protect himself from the evil inherently found out there to have time to devote himself fully to any form of ministry. And yes, he knew that many thought his view of faith in Jesus was too narrow, too restrictive, but he’d preached on that too! Hadn’t Jesus himself warned about the wide gate and broad road that leads to destruction? Were Javier’s misguided choices some sort of test for them all? Forcing his mind back to the present, he glanced around him again at this place of peace where he found God and God found him. No…God may have created the sea, the fish, the shore – yes! of course! but he didn’t reside in them, a ridiculous idea! – and his presence couldn’t possibly be found there in the same way that it was here, where the troubles of the world were so often lifted from his shoulders. Bowing his head, he brought Javier’s name to his lips again praying fervently that his son would see the light before he made a huge error in judgment.

“Javi!” there it was, the voice that lifted his heart every time, taking him from this city by the sea, this beach, this alcove to a far-off stage of his own creation. The stage was never in the same city or even the same country, but it was always surrounded by people who loved his music and loved him for creating it. If math wasn’t his forte…well, he didn’t care. Geography carried him all around the world to unfamiliar and exotic places he hoped to see one day outside of pictures in a textbook. And then someday he’d return triumphant to the World Trade Center so close to the sea and maybe the sea would whisper, “Well done, Javi!” and welcome him home! And maybe by then his parents would understand how he was fulfilling his destiny by making people happy! Or in their vernacular, he’d be fulfilling God’s will. That he’d been listening to God’s voice all along. He didn’t want to believe it was only wishful thinking on his part. He wanted to make them proud of him, delighted to call him their son…..

And here was where he did his writing for the most part. He’d written more songs than he could count or remember. He never went anywhere without a small pocket notebook to jot down ideas or lyrics. Sometimes, the words came to him on the waves that crashed to the shore….and if God was in the sea and he provided the words, wasn’t that sort of a hymn? A song his parents would find acceptable? This was such a struggle, this pushing and pulling of his own desires and burgeoning beliefs on one side and on the other his desire to please his family. And yet….deep down he knew that if he had to make a choice, he would have to follow his destiny and not his parents’ idea of his destiny. He was no more meant to be a pastor or a worship leader or choir director than his papa had been meant to be a pop singer.

Sometimes he wrestled with songwriting, his mind exhausting every avenue only to arrive at a dead end. After all, he couldn’t write about what he didn’t know. He’d never been in love, not even a childish crush. The only examples he had of relationships were what he saw in his parents, his siblings, friends…..and he had written a few songs about friendship. And he tried to be attentive to the people around him, attempting to write about what he perceived that they might be feeling. He’d written lots of songs about the sea, of course, and how it spoke to him, how it revealed to him what lay ahead…and destiny, he’d written countless songs about destiny, and not just his own. He often wrote about what he thought might be someone else’s destiny. He wrote about what he saw in creation. The world was vibrant with color, overflowing with animals and plants, burning with feelings!

Yet……even though he knew the world he had yet to fully experience was not always a happy place, he couldn’t wait to grasp the future in all of its abundance! Patience was one of the virtues he hadn’t been blessed with, he chuckled to himself. He stood up and stretched, deciding to take one more walk along the shore before returning to the drudgery of homework. He’d learned to keep one eye on his bicycle while walking the shoreline, although today there were only a handful of others around.

Octavio opened his eyes, murmuring a thank you after his prayer, arising from the church pew, opening the heavy narthex door, and locking it securely behind him. Their home was only a short distance from the church and when he arrived he went in search of Javier, hoping to find him studying or practicing his scales, but his hopes were dashed when he found the note lying on the book. He didn’t like to admit it to himself, but every time he walked past Javier’s bedroom he was afraid that he’d find him gone. And was that really so unrealistic? He didn’t invite the thought; in fact, he tried to do anything but that, but he’d been thinking about that day for so long, his mind conjuring up all kinds of unpleasant scenarios of what would happen to Javier when he arrived in Mexico City….not if….not anymore, those wishful thoughts were long gone….but when.

He glanced around the room and found no evidence that he’d left for good – his clothes still hung in the cramped closet, his bed was still half-made from the morning, and his school books were scattered all over his desk. Again, whispering an automatic prayer of thanks, he headed for the door, telling Estrella, his wife he’d be back soon, not even giving her the chance to say a proper hello….or good-bye.

He didn’t have to guess where he’d find him. The sea called to him just as Mexico City did. And so he set out for the beach, but taking the roundabout way so, hopefully, Javier wouldn’t be aware of his presence. It wasn’t as easy as it used to be tackling the sand dunes, but when he spotted Javier he found a place where he was reasonably sure he couldn’t be seen. At times, it was a bit tricky to hear him as sound didn’t carry well on the dunes. But this certainly wasn’t his first trip there, he’d been following Javier here for years. And despite himself, sometimes he was actually very pleased with what he heard, especially if he was singing.

And most of the time Javier was alone on the beach by choice. It was his version of the church sanctuary, Octavio grudgingly thought. But today Javier appeared to have an audience of two. Sadly, Octavio rarely, if ever, heard him sing hymns when he found him on these outings. And not having any working knowledge of pop songs, he didn’t know if the lyrics were from a song Javier had heard on the radio or on TV. He knew he loved to write songs, so he often wondered if the lyrics he heard were of Javier’s creation.

One of the boys was his friend, Emilio. The other he didn’t recognize, could be a friend or maybe a tourist. The two sat on the sand listening and clapping to the rhythm of what Javier was singing acapella – a song about someone playing with fire? someone wanting to stop him from doing something? A song about starting over. A song about self-knowledge….knowing who he was? And it sounded like whoever wrote the lyrics was angry? determined?

Had Javier taken the words “everything in its time,” to heart so much that he was working out his destiny in this song? The lyrics marched forward, sometimes in an almost staccato fashion, as an inevitability, a certainty. Is this how Javier felt about his life now? or was it something he imagined might happen in the future? Was it even Javier’s song at all?

He watched as Javier performed for his audience of two, as they continued to clap and sway, Javi using his pretend microphone to belt out the song of determination and resolve. He had his own style as did all singers, movements that Octavio had observed when Javi sang worship songs in church….but others were from what he’d seen Javi copy from watching entertainers on TV. Either way, even at this distance, it was a compelling performance. He could feel his heart aching and breaking all at the same time. And there was also a part of him who wanted to sing those lyrics back to his son telling him that he was the one who was wrong. That what Javier felt was inevitable, that what he thought was self-knowledge? At 16, Javier had no clue what it was like to really know yourself. That in truth, Javier was the one playing with fire! And he had absolutely no idea how the world could burn him, could take everything he thought he had in him to conquer it and throw it back at him and his belief that he was unstoppable. Whether it was an original song written by Javi or not, it was obvious that something in the song resonated with him.

He tried to calm himself, but he refused to look away. Charisma, Javier had it, and Octavio hated that he planned to waste those God-given gifts on a fickle world that could destroy him. A world at constant war with itself in a battle between good and evil.

He didn’t know if Javi was as yet aware of the charisma he possessed. Shy as he could sometimes be, it seemed that every time he walked into a room others were drawn to him like a moth to a flame. He had natural leadership ability and a way about him that not only influenced others but made people feel comfortable in any situation. And that smile…he could imprison every person he encountered with that smile alone. It was like watching the sun as it hit the horizon in the morning. Flickering and then suddenly bubbling and bursting over the horizon to welcome the new day. Did he know what he could do with that charisma in the Church? Did he care? Octavio already knew the answer to the second question.

What was he going to do? What were they going to do? They’d been praying since the day he was born, first that he would survive, and then that he would grow into a strong Christian man using his strengths to serve God, and yes, his weaknesses as well. All for God’s glory as was intended, his true destiny!

He heard the applause of Javi’s audience and saw him take a bow as the song ended. His friends asked for more and Javi was happy to oblige, all thought of homework gone. He invited his friends to perform with him this time, harmonizing.

Octavio carefully crept down the dunes, praying as he did. Why had today felt any different than any other day he’d secretly watched Javi perform? Because he would turn 16 tomorrow, was that it? He was wise enough to know that Javi had stayed here this long because he was torn between pleasing his parents and following what he perceived as his destiny. And he was even wise enough to know that by pressuring him to stay, he’d only push him farther away from them. But what could he offer Javier here that might entice him to stay? Or at the least to not pursue pop music as his future goal? It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought of this countless times…he had…almost every day of his life, but now there seemed to be a sense of urgency.

After hearing those song lyrics? After seeing him work so hard to perfect his performance? He knew time was growing even shorter than he’d realized. He knew they were in a fight for their son’s soul, even if Javi didn’t.

As Christians, it was a fight they were very familiar with and were not without weapons. Sermon upon sermon he’d delivered about donning the full armor of God every day – the belt of truth, shoes that carried the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit – had Javier abandoned his armor for the fake and flimsy security of the world?

It was a constant war between good and evil, just like out there where Javi wanted to be, not knowing or not believing that but for their prayers and the prayers of the Church he would be defenceless.

Categories
ENGLISH: LONG WAY HOME (4)

FIX ME

It wasn’t a decision he’d made lightly, but Javi had agreed to remain with Sie7e (Reinventing Your Sins) for as long as it remained in California, and at least for the time being, in LA. He loved his role as Lust, one of the seven deadly sins! Even though it called for him to wear 8-inch heels that weren’t doing his feet any favors, even though his hair needed constant care to keep it shocking pink, yes, even the never-ending rehearsals hadn’t dampened the joy he found in acting. And his performance was drawing attention from all kinds of unexpected arenas that were exciting to contemplate as future avenues for his talents. And for reasons he hadn’t quite figured out yet, he sensed that this period in his life, with this play, wasn’t complete. There was this nagging feeling that a door was either half-open or maybe it was half-closed. Whichever, he knew he wasn’t done. But, he had insisted on one thing before he gave them his ultimate yes. That instead of Kurt being the one to shuttle between LA and San Diego he would be the commuter. He could still hear Kurt trying to talk him out of it.

“Javi, that’s crazy! We’ll only see each other two days a week and one of those days is already spoken for. One of my classes is on Tuesday….and sure I can probably change that with no trouble, but, no, I won’t do that and I won’t let you complicate your life any more than it already is! How about this? You commute here on your days off and I can come to LA when it suits your schedule during the week. My timetable is much more flexible than yours.”

Pleading his case, he said, “Kurt, you’ve spent enough time commuting to accommodate my choices and we both know that you hate LA.”

“Yes, I do hate LA,” Kurt agreed, “but do you know what I hate even more? Being away from you five days a week. A couple days a week in LA won’t kill me.” Javi attempted to interrupt him, but Kurt stopped him, raising a halting hand, “But…But!” he repeated emphatically, “five days a week might just kill our relationship, and yes, I know that we went into this well aware that travel would be an issue but that was when I was still in school. I can write in LA just as easily as I can write in San Diego.”

Javi was quiet for a moment, remembering all the safeguards they’d put in place in an attempt to avoid this all too real obstacle, and he knew that Kurt was probably right. It wasn’t like he was going on tour and might not be home for months. Why subject themselves to days away from each other when they didn’t have to? And it wasn’t like they couldn’t afford the commute, it was less than an hour by plane and only a couple hours by car.

Somewhat reluctantly he said, “Okay, we’ll give it a try, but if it gets to be too much for either of us, we’ll have to revisit this discussion. Does that sound fair?” Kurt smiled. He didn’t care if it was fair or not, all he cared about was not being away from his lover more than he had to be. “Sure, Javito,” he said, drawing him into his arms and kissing his head, chuckling about his still pink hair. “Ya know, pretty soon people are going to start asking if pink is your natural hair color.” “Very funny, mi Kurtito,” he replied, enjoying the feeling of Kurt’s arms wrapped around his neck. “And if you don’t stop picking on my hair color, I may just leave it this way. Hot pink for your hot man?”

Blaine returned the chain that held their mailbox key to his shorts pocket, sifting through mostly junk and a bill or two, as always. Oh! An invitation! One he’d sort of been expecting, but they’d been talking about the get-together for months now. Trying to get the remaining members of the Glee Club together for a party wasn’t as easy as it may have sounded, even though most of them were scattered hither and yon in California. Almost all of them were working in the entertainment industry with varying degrees of success, although Rachel was still in the Big Apple trying her luck on Broadway. Yes, even as talented as she was, they all knew when it came to entertainment, it required almost as much luck as it did talent. Kurt had mentioned a couple months ago that they were hoping to arrange something for mid-July, but Blaine couldn’t totally commit to something that vague. Even so, he’d tried to keep July as free as possible just in case the plan did pan out. Taking the elevator, he hoped that Jeff could clear his calendar for whatever date was chosen. Unlocking the door, he laid the party-themed envelope on the kitchen counter, deciding to wait until Jeff got home before opening it.

Bella sat on the balcony chair deep in thought. Her mama had made a friend in the building and was meeting her for lunch, leaving Bella alone, a rarity these days.

She didn’t know what to make of her parents’ relationship anymore. As far as she knew, they’d never been apart this long…in fact, as far as she knew they’d never been apart for longer than one night and that had been when he’d gone to see Javi in concert at her request, hoping for at least a truce, if not a complete reconciliation. He’d fulfilled his promise, but it had done little good. Papa was no closer to reconciling with Javi than he’d been before he left. Mama’d hoped that seeing the success he’d made of himself in the music world might remind him that had it not been for his papa’s introducing him to music he wouldn’t be where he was today. That pride in his accomplishments might replace his pig-headed refusal to accept Javi for who he was. But, she’d been wrong. All he seemed to see and hear was Javi dressed in his ostentatious clothing singing songs that had nothing to do with his Christian upbringing and everything to do with how the insidious evil of the world had drawn him in. All the money in the world, all of the applause, all of the joy that Javi displayed onstage, the fact that his fans seemed to capture that joy as their own? But in his father’s eyes, that amounted to nothing. None of that mattered! None of it! Because Javi refused to acknowledge his choice to be gay, still insisting he’d been born that way, that it wasn’t a choice. The hard part was that Javi seemed to actually believe what he was saying! No, he didn’t believe that he was a liar, he believed he was confused…or deluded….but whatever he was it was unacceptable.

Her parents had been apart now for over six months, and even though she didn’t mind her mother’s company at all, her papa and mama seemed to be at a stalemate. They Skyped almost every day, and, in general, their conversations seemed civil, even more than civil much of the time. She’d often hear them laughing together just like when she and Javi had been kids. And although her mama said her papa seemed to be softening toward the idea that he had to let go of his desire to control his grown children’s lives, apparently he wasn’t softening enough. Or not enough for her mama to feel she could return to their home in Quintana Roo and still see her children as she pleased. In her mind, much of her lifetime had been wasted when it came to her four hijos e hija (sons and a daughter), giving in to her husband’s stubbornness. No! she would not go back to the way it was!

No one had ever come right out and said it, but Bella was pretty sure that Javi was at the core of this stalemate. Even though her papa didn’t like the fact that she and one of her brothers had not followed the path that he would have chosen for them, with Javi it was different. He’d not only chosen a different path, but he was gay. If he would just accept that Javi had not chosen that…..if only, she sighed, but her mama had spent many an afternoon crying on Bella’s shoulder, “He just won’t budge,” she’d whimper, drying her eyes with a Kleenex.

Javi had chosen one of the round tables near the back of the diner, one eye watching the door. He had so hoped that with the resolution of his anger towards Tonio behind him, he could move forward. At first, he’d felt at peace with himself, and he WAS moving forward, but somehow he’d forgotten that as in all of life, there was always another challenge waiting. And most of the time he loved a challenge, he hadn’t gotten this far in life without them…but this wasn’t a new challenge. Like the anger, this had been following him around from the time he’d had his first conscious thought. How he longed to fling wide the door to his life that was either half-open or half-closed, finally setting it free….setting himself free….if only it was that simple.

He allowed himself to be analytical for a moment. Stepping back he had to admit he found it sort of interesting. Of course, he could be wrong, but it all seemed to have started right after adorable, talented, thoughtful, sexy Kurt had sashayed into his life. He smiled as he pictured him sitting alone on a barstool at The Rafters. The subtle changes hadn’t started happening all at once of course; with stealth they’d slipped back into his consciousness, just waiting for Javi to acknowledge their existence again. Honestly, it didn’t really matter that he couldn’t point to a particular moment when it started, all that mattered was it had started and it had brought him to this moment, waiting……

What a time that had been, he reminisced. He’d been so preoccupied with his love for Kurt, so sudden, so unexpected, so wonderful, that he wasn’t paying much attention to anything else but Kurt and building what he hoped would be a new relationship. And he was still madly in love with Kurt, he was his first thought every morning and his last thought every night. It hadn’t been like the problems of life had magically disappeared, of course not. But a person could only deal with so much at one time. Back then, he could barely handle the way that Kurt seemed to engulf his entire life, all of those emotions….it was easy to put lots of things on hold, as he fell head over heels in love.

Blaine had been the first intrusion from the past. Looking at it now with 20/20 hindsight, Blaine hadn’t been the obstacle that Javi had expected. But back then he was being uber cautious, unsure if Blaine might be the enemy with his desire to renew his friendship with Kurt. Javi had been very leery of his motives, definitely doubting that all he wanted from Kurt was friendship. So he’d quietly watched it play out after Blaine moved to LA…and with a new boyfriend, Jeff! That was certainly something Javi hadn’t expected! But he’d more or less come to accept that Blaine’s love for Jeff was real; he wasn’t just pretending; he wasn’t just using Jeff as a cover until he made his ultimate attempt to win Kurt back.

And at least his anger at Tonio had dissipated thanks to Dr. Piper’s counseling. That, and the unconventional way in which the four of them, him, Kurt, Jeff and Blaine, had dealt with it. Sure, it might still raise its ugly head intermittently but he was clutching the tools he needed to fight it and he was determined that it wouldn’t catch him off guard or worm its way into his subconscious before he recognized it, not ever again.

The sidewalk was a busy place, people meeting up for lunch or running errands, taking a break from their workplace, enjoying the sun and mild breezes of San Diego. Just an ordinary day it would seem, but not for him.

Javi had reached a turning point, a fork in the road, and he would be here any minute, the person who just might be the one to guide him….well, actually more like push him….in the direction he knew he had to go. Javi’d asked this question of many in his past, but none were willing to flat out tell him what he already knew. They didn’t want to be the one to nudge him into doing what had to be done. His own sanity and self-preservation depended on it, and why he needed anyone’s validation was a mystery to him, but it no longer mattered why.

Where is he?, he wondered, nervously glancing toward the door and then quickly glancing away. Part of him would be so glad to see him and another part of him didn’t want to see him at all. Well, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see him. After all, he’d been there from the very beginning. He’d walked the same uncertain path, known the fear, the heartache…..he’d done battle with it and seemed to have returned from the battlefield the victor. What Javi had viewed as a plague upon their lives. And when no one else had been there for Javi in the past? He’d always, always been there.

And then suddenly, like a camera changing exposure time, he was back at that concert almost a year ago. He’d almost lost his cool right there onstage! Stumbling over the lyrics to a song that he’d sung a million times! That night had been the beginning of one of the Pandora’s boxes in his life starting to slowly open. As much as he tried to put it behind him, there was no place he could flee like he had to Mexico City as a teen. Even before puberty, he could sense he was different. He’d spent his teen years trying to convince himself that he could somehow fix it. After all, that’s what he’d been taught. If there was something that didn’t work, you tried to fix it. If you didn’t like something, then try to fix it. Except no one seemed to have the answer to how…..how to fix something no one wanted to even talk about.

The internet didn’t exist back then, it was decades away. He didn’t have access to what might have been the answer with only a few keystrokes. He’d spent hours at the library searching for books or magazines….but they only provided clinical information….and said nothing about how to fix it…..only that it was bad, it was wrong…it was everything that he’d heard in church and more. And if he’d been caught with any of those books? He still shuddered to think what would have happened. He had nowhere to go! He was trapped in a place and time that couldn’t accept him for who he was….they would say what he was. And that was the root of the problem! Everyone saw people like him not as whos, but as whats. And whats could be fixed in their small-minded beliefs.

This was pointless! It felt like his thoughts were on a merry-go-round trying to move backwards and it only left him just as frustrated as always.

Smiling, Marina stopped by his table to top off his coffee. They knew each other from the neighborhood and she greeted him with a “Well, hello there, Javi! What? You’re here all alone? No Kurt?” she said with a wink. He chuckled despite his serious thoughts. When Kurt and Javi were both in town everyone assumed that they didn’t spend a single minute apart…which was basically true. “Not today, he had a writer’s workshop, but I’m waiting for someone. They should be here soon,” he said, well aware that he was taking up space in a busy restaurant at lunchtime. “Oh, no problem, sweetie,” she replied as she saw a fan approach most likely hoping for an autograph and a few seconds to speak to their idol. It didn’t matter why or what he was doing there, Javi was good for business and he was so approachable, it wasn’t unusual at all for fans to show up at his table or booth when he was there.

He hadn’t visited Javi in San Diego in years mostly because he was usually somewhere else closer to home in Mexico, on tour or doing endless interviews, recording new songs. It seemed he was always busy. He often wondered if Javi’s sometimes manic life was a defense mechanism against loneliness, never allowing him too much time to think. He could easily understand why.

He knew most people thought Javi’s life was easy because he had all the money he needed, two homes, a gazillion fans who loved him. They thought his life was glamorous! Traveling all over the world, meeting famous people, doing what he loved. Very few allowed themselves to think about how lonely the road could be, how the travel took its toll, interviewers wanting to pry into his life, public and private….it could be physically and mentally exhausting. Most people believed he had it all and probably more! So very unlike what they perceived to be their own rather mundane lives.

Some honestly believed he was perfect and always happy! And of course that smile he’d been blessed with only encouraged such magical thinking.

He knew Javi was far from perfect just like every other person on the planet. And even though he’d often thought that Javi, with purpose, tried to allow himself little time to think, he knew that certainly wasn’t the truth. Javi was an examiner, finding significance in the smallest things and often turning what he found into songs.

He had to laugh when he thought of Javi being thought of as perfect, as simple, as always happy. Most people would never know the real Javi; even some who considered themselves his close friends didn’t really know him. With most people, allowing for only a few exceptions, he was shy at first, watching and listening carefully, trying to size you up and that had only become more so as he lived his life in the spotlight. The years of fame had only made him more wary and understandably distrusting. Although he appeared to the world as a calm, even-keeled, totally in control of himself person, in reality? He was rarely lukewarm about anything, he either loved with a passion or didn’t care at all. But that’s not how he allowed the world to see him. And sometimes, frustrated with himself, he’d unintentionally let the world see him for the very human person that he was….but that was certainly not the norm.

And that was every reason he’d made a lifelong effort to stay in touch with Javi. That hadn’t been easy either. In typical Javi fashion, once he escaped to Mexico City at the age of 18, there was no turning back. He’d made his choice, his decision to pursue the dream that had been his before he was even aware of dreams. He was born an artist in the broadest sense, someone who lived out their passion in the wide variety of creative arts. As far as he was concerned, his chosen path wasn’t even chosen, at least by him anyway. He was destined to live in the limelight….and even if he never made it to the limelight, he’d still be a singer, a songwriter, a creator. He didn’t “want to be” an artist anymore than he “wanted to be” gay. He was always using the example of his birthplace. He’d say something like, “I was born in Mexico and even if I wanted to change that, I can’t.” That was how Javi viewed his passion! It was a fact, not a choice.

And Javi’d confided to him that it was also the only way he could see to fix himself. He certainly couldn’t do it here! he’d say. Mexico City was all he talked about, “I need somewhere bigger, somewhere that I can breathe, a place with more people like me…and you!” He was still sitting on the fence, believing deep down that no one could fix what he’d been born to be, but still wishing he could to please those he loved the most. Just maybe there were people in CDMX who could tell him or show him how.

But, even when he’d awakened one day to find him gone, not even saying good-bye, he refused to abandon Javi. He remembered searching high and low for him in CDMX, all the while knowing he wasn’t going to just stumble upon him in a city of almost ten million.

He knew what had drawn him there; he could have left at any time, but you couldn’t miss the change in Javi after he’d read about it in one of his well-hidden magazines – the hope of winning a singing contest believing if he did it would change his entire life and he’d be free! Free to become what destiny had allowed. Scared but sure he could do it! That no one else would even get a chance to win. And Javi had won! He’d heard about it from a friend long after the fact.

So, at least he knew where to start looking. He spent months searching in every recording studio in CDMX, from largest to smallest, and occasionally he’d find someone who’d at least met Javi, but no one seemed to know where he lived….some said they knew he’d lived on the street at some point. Suddenly, he felt very fortunate, at least he had friends he could stay with. If what they said was true, he might still be living on the street and he couldn’t bear the thought of him out there in danger, even more so because…..no, he wouldn’t let his mind go there.

It had taken awhile and the Javi he knew today would have called it destiny, but he didn’t care what you called it, the day Javi had stumbled upon him, and not the other way around, it was everything he could do to hold back the tears. One of his cousins owned a cantina just around the corner from a small recording studio. He was barely old enough to drink and what little money he made working was being squirreled away saving for his own yet unrealized dream. He’d just ordered the cheapest beer they had when he heard the sound of boisterous laughter coming from the open door. He turned to see if the group was anyone he knew and there he was! Javi! Waving at the bartender, laughing when they carded him, knowing full well he was 18. Not thinking, he shouted Javi’s name so loud that almost everyone in the cantina stopped talking.

As Javi spun around to see whose yell was causing the lull in conversation, his eyes lit up as brightly as his megawatt smile, “Teo! Teo? ¿Qué estás haciendo aquí? (What are you doing here?),” rushing to Teo’s table, abandoning his friends without a thought, grabbing the first chair he could find. But instead of sitting, he remained standing, pulling Teo from his chair giving him a hug. Teo was trying so hard not to cry, but when Javi let go, he saw the tears in Javi’s eyes and abandoned all efforts to stop his own tears from falling. Teo tried to brush the tears away quickly so no one else would see, but Javi stopped him, “We’re not….there,” He couldn’t even bear to say the name….”and he’s….not here,” Javi said, a flash of pain in his eyes, still hearing the words, “Mexican men don’t cry.” Neither of them had to wonder who “he” was, not even for a second.

And now here he was standing outside a diner in San Diego, so familiar from past visits, but he hadn’t come alone as they’d originally planned. He was afraid if he told Javi who had accompanied him on this trip, he wouldn’t have allowed either of them to come. Turning to his nervous companion, he said, “Well, here we go, amigo,” and pushed on the door before they lost their courage.

As he heard the bells on the door jingle, his attention quickly switched from the everyday activity on the street to who might be coming through that door. It had been far too long since they’d last seen each other, but it was always a pleasant surprise when they did. They’d been friends forever it seemed. More than friends….much more than friends, but that was then. And then was a very long time ago. After all the stuff with the play had finally been settled and he knew where his future lay for the foreseeable future, he’d decided it was time for he and Kurt to meet. He’d told Kurt everything he could think of about him over the months they’d been together. And they’d almost met up when he and Kurt were in CDMX at Christmas, but it hadn’t happened. “Well, I wouldn’t pass up a trip to Cancun either!” he smiled into the phone at the last minute change in plans, “maybe you can come to San Diego, see the play!” He’d loved it there whenever he’d visited and they never lacked for things to do or talk about. They were all anticipating a good time.

But as soon as the decision had been made, the question, as he’d come to think of it, began to haunt him again. And as much as he tried to hide his unsettledness from Kurt, it hadn’t worked for long. Even though they’d only known each other for about a year and a half, he learned early on that Kurt was not only very sensitive, but very perceptive. At first, Kurt had thought it was the unanswered question of what to do about the play, but then after much discussion, Javi had decided to stay with it. And for awhile he seemed to be his old self, but then that faraway look returned, especially when he watched Mateo videos with Kurt. Kurt was using some of their material in his classes and it wasn’t like this was something new for them. Yet, he could tell Javi was struggling to maintain his attention so Kurt wouldn’t notice. But notice he did; he even asked him point-blank about it, but Javi’s answer was usually something between changes they were thinking of making in the play or sometimes the conversations he’d had with his sister Bella recently. The latter seemed most plausible to Kurt, but there was something else…..

One night he’d rolled over reaching for Javi’s warm body and found the covers thrown back and his side of the bed cold. He’d tried to go back to sleep, but then when Javi hadn’t returned a half hour later he’d gotten up and found him in the media room with an old photo album in his lap, the corners scuffed from age and overuse. Kurt cleared his throat so he wouldn’t startle him and Javi looked up sort of bashfully like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“So, what’s up, mi amor?” Kurt questioned as he placed a hand on Javi’s shoulder and then lowered himself to the couch beside him. “Oh, just looking for some pictures I wasn’t sure I had anymore, or at least not here. I thought Teo might like to see them. I can’t believe I’ve never shown them to him.” “You got up at 3 in the morning to look for old pictures?” “Yeah!” Javi said a little too defensively, as Kurt gave him that raised eyebrow look. “Well, I didn’t exactly just get up, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep….so….he’s going to be here in a couple weeks, ya know.”

Of course Kurt knew. He was so anxious to meet him. Javi had told him story after story of their long friendship….their long relationship. He’d seen pictures of him and laughed or cried as the case may be along with Javi over the antics that boys can get up to. And he’d told him of how the feelings had changed when they’d become teenagers….how those feelings had scared them……how they had to hide what they felt, sneaking away to be alone. They were no longer care-free children….and they wished they could be…..wished they could go back before…..before they knew the truth about who they were….and what their relationship had become.

To hide his worry, Kurt had sat beside Javi, letting him talk and pretending not to be concerned. It wasn’t just that Javi was up at 3 in the morning or that he couldn’t sleep. Being the artist that he was, he’d never kept regular hours….no, it was something more. The way he’d close his eyes for a few seconds as if he was trying to erase something from his mind….or the way he’d suddenly stare as if trying to focus on something but not sure what….the way his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. To dim Javi’s smile was to dim part of the very essence of who he was!

Finally, he’d shut the album and kissed Kurt softly on the lips. “Come on, mi tom kitty, we both need our beauty sleep,” to which Kurt had replied trying to lighten the mood, “Speak for yourself, little man! I’m beautiful 24 hours a day!” “That you are,” Javi chuckled, “that you are.”

And now here it was two weeks later and Kurt was putting some finishing touches on his lesson plan waiting for Javi and Teo to arrive. Javi had asked Kurt to go with him when he met Teo at the diner after his flight had arrived, but Kurt said, no. He thought it would be good for them to do some catching up before coming back to the house and that would give Kurt some time to fix something for supper and work on his lesson plans at the same time. Teo had left his partner behind for the trip, not because he didn’t want him to come, but because he, too, was an artist and was in the midst of recording.

Kurt had just taken a bottle of wine from the refrigerator and popped the cork to let it breathe. Javi had told him he didn’t have to go to all this trouble. After all, Teo would be there for at least a week, but he also knew Kurt loved to make a fuss. He didn’t consider it trouble at all, he loved party planning, even if the party was only a party of three.

He heard the car door slam and quickly took his lesson materials to his sanity room, returning just in time to hear the front door open and what he assumed was Teo’s voice say, “Wow, it smells scrumptious in here!” And then he heard a second voice say, “Oh, that’s got to be Kurt’s doing!”….but the voice wasn’t Javi’s.

Categories
PORTUGUES: MUNDO SELVAGEM COM KURT HUMMEL E BLAINE ANDERSON (KLAINE)

CAPÍTULO 6 – SEM ARREPENDIMENTOS

Caros leitores: Se este capítulo confunde você é porque há um mistério intencional nele. Até minha beta não entendeu nas primeiras vezes que leu. Não tenha medo, o mistério será revelado em capítulos futuros.

Cassie estava sentada sozinha na doca dos barcos balançando os pés na água fria, olhando para a atividade matinal na marina Heritage Lake. A ideia de que apenas algumas horas antes ela estava dormindo pacificamente ao lado dele a deixou feliz e triste ao mesmo tempo. A dor de cabeça persistente era um lembrete não tão sutil de que não demorou muito para deixá-los bêbados… aos 16 anos, festas como a que eles participaram na noite passada eram a exceção, não a norma.

Eles chegaram por volta das 7h30 mais ou menos, com sua própria contribuição para a seleção furtada de garrafas e 6 pacotes na mão, transferindo as duas garrafas de vinho e 6 pacotes frios de Miller Lite para as mãos de seu anfitrião. A festa estava rolando e em poucos segundos eles estavam cheios cercados por seus amigos, cantando desafinados e dançando mal, nenhum deles se importando nem um pouco com isso. A maior parte da noite que eles passaram espremidos em um canto de um dos sofás da sala de recreação, os amigos tentando conversar uns com os outros e estranhos espalhados no chão com carpete azul, a música abafando a maioria de suas palavras. Inclinando-se mais perto para não ter que gritar, ele disse: “Você gostaria de dançar?” Ela sorriu, acenando com a cabeça para não ter que dizer nada sobre a batida do baixo. No entanto, nessa multidão, dançar era definitivamente um nome impróprio, pois parecia que o melhor que eles podiam fazer era ficar no lugar balançando ao som da música, como nadar contra a corrente, ela pensou.

Eles se conheciam desde a oitava série e se tornaram amigos rapidamente… melhores amigos, como se viu. Ele a ajudou no término de seu primeiro relacionamento sério… levantando seus olhos castanhos para encontrar o azul do céu, ela balançou a cabeça com a memória e sorriu. Ela teve que rir ao pensar que o relacionamento de um mês com Brad era algo que ela já havia considerado sério. Ele segurou a mão dela e a deixou encharcar seu ombro em lágrimas durante os dois dias que levou para superar Brad. Eles nunca namoraram, embora ele estivesse sempre lá se ela precisasse ou quisesse alguém para acompanhá-la em algum evento social ou outro. Principalmente, o grupo com o qual eles correram não estava namorando ninguém a sério. Para a maioria deles, era apenas mais divertido passar o tempo um com o outro. Eles raciocinaram que tinham muito tempo para relacionamentos na faculdade ou mesmo depois da faculdade. Nenhum deles estava com pressa de formar pares.

Desde que ela conseguia se lembrar, esse resort era sua casa há pelo menos um mês todo verão, geralmente em julho, às vezes em agosto. As cabines de aluguel do resort eram espaçosas, o lugar ideal para relaxar e recarregar as baterias antes do início das aulas e evitar pensar na inevitabilidade do inverno em apenas alguns meses.

O número de famílias variava de ano para ano, às vezes exigindo duas ou até três cabanas, mas todas amontoadas lado a lado e nunca longe da praia. Natação, canoagem, windsurf, kitesurf… sempre havia muito o que fazer, mas uma de suas coisas favoritas era fazer piquenique, às vezes sozinho, às vezes com seus outros amigos, mas eles adoravam compartilhar a praia sozinhos de manhã antes de quase todo mundo estava acordado e pronto para começar o dia.

Eles embalavam uma pequena cesta na noite anterior cheia de barras de proteína ou muffins de ovos, algumas frutas, talvez alguns mini bagels e caixas de cream cheese e suco. Saindo na ponta dos pés em silêncio, esperando não acordar os outros, eles sairiam antes das 5:00 para, esperançosamente, pegar o nascer do sol. Ela contaria a ele sobre quem tinha uma queda por quem (como se ele já não soubesse) e eles ririam de todas as coisas que aquele casal tinha ou não tinha em comum. Ele contava a ela quais eram seus planos depois do ensino médio… às vezes eles mudavam de semana para semana… mas enfatizando que ele iria ficar o mais longe possível do Centro-Oeste. Ambos reclamavam dos pais e de como mal podiam esperar para se formar. A faculdade era uma conclusão inevitável para ambos, não porque estivessem particularmente interessados ​​na faculdade, mas porque, nos sonhos de seus pais, a faculdade era uma obrigação. Não importa que nenhum dos dois planejasse seguir os sonhos de seus pais.

O som de um barco deslizando pelo lago, criando ondas, fazendo o cais balançar, trouxe seus pensamentos de volta ao presente. Seus pais haviam feito uma viagem noturna na noite anterior. Até onde ela sabia, eles nunca haviam perdido o festival de música de um dia inteiro. O gênero pode mudar de ano para ano, mas é por isso que eles nunca falharam! Música era música, diziam, de big band a rap, eles adoravam tudo! Ao contrário da maioria de seus amigos, ela nunca poderia dizer que seus pais estavam presos em seus caminhos… ou os dele também… pelo menos quando se tratava de música, ela adivinhou.

Quando eram mais jovens, pediam a outros moradores de cabana para passar a noite, mas no ano passado decidiram que tinham idade suficiente para ficarem sozinhos, com uma exceção. Claro que seus pais não estavam alheios às travessuras que os adolescentes podiam e provavelmente fariam em sua ausência, e eles estavam bem cientes das festas de fim de semana…… mas sempre supervisionados por acompanhantes (a palavra tão desatualizada sempre acompanhado por reviravoltas dos dois). Na verdade, seus pais tinham sido seus “guardiões”, como gostavam de chamar em mais de uma ocasião. Mas eles fizeram um acordo com os dois. Eles poderiam ficar sozinhos na cabana enquanto estivessem fora, mas se fossem a uma festa, deveriam dormir lá durante a noite.

E eles nunca realmente pretendiam voltar atrás nessa promessa… não realmente… até ontem à noite. Em retrospectiva, ela poderia culpar a bebida nublando o pouco julgamento que eles tinham deixado quando eles voltaram para sua própria cabine, ela poderia racionalizar como não poderia doer, desde que ninguém soubesse… guardiões” notaram que eles teriam vindo bater na porta e os levariam de volta para a cabana da festa, provavelmente acompanhados de advertências severas… mas eles não tinham… por alguma razão que eles não tinham.

Mas no fundo ela sabia a verdade. Ela queria que isso acontecesse. Estava no fundo de sua mente desde que chegaram ao lago… e por que ele não insistiu que ficassem onde prometeram que ela nunca saberia… ela não queria saber… e ela nunca perguntaria a ele.

“Vamos,” ela sussurrou enquanto eles estavam no convés, a brisa fresca, mas úmida soprando seu cabelo para fora de seu rosto, “está a apenas alguns metros de distância. Não quero ficar aqui esta noite”, citando que a ideia de dormir em um quarto cheio de amigos embriagados, caídos em sofás ou cadeiras ou no chão era muito menos atraente do que dormir em suas próprias camas.

Durante toda a noite ela o observou atentamente, mas ele não pareceu notar. Ele estava falando com… bem, principalmente gritando… com Cooper e Sabrina, que conseguiram encontrar alguns centímetros quadrados de espaço no chão. Cassie fingiu interesse no assunto da conversa, nas próximas competições de natação e canoagem que o resort organizou para encerrar a temporada de verão, mas com cada gole do vinho barato que ela estava bebendo, mais sua mente parecia se concentrar nele.

Ela o amava tanto… mas ela não estava apaixonada por ele nem ele estava apaixonado por ela. Mas eles sabiam que podiam contar qualquer coisa um ao outro, nenhum assunto parecia estar fora dos limites. Às vezes ela desejava que eles estivessem apaixonados. Ela não conseguia imaginar nada melhor do que passar a vida com ele. Ao longo dos anos, eles conversaram brincando sobre essa inevitabilidade, ambos sabendo que era apenas conversa. Eles trocavam ideias sobre como seria seu parceiro de vida perfeito… e depois ficavam histéricos quando às vezes parecia que eles estavam se descrevendo.

Ela ainda se lembrava do dia em que finalmente teve coragem de fazer uma pergunta que desejava fazer desde os 13 anos. Eles estavam sentados bem aqui neste cais, jogando água um no outro, apontando quando viram um peixe borbulhar na superfície ou comentaram sobre o jogo de vôlei de praia que estava sendo disputado não muito longe deles. Ele estava segurando a mão dela como sempre fazia e suas mãos estavam suadas para ela, mas ele não parecia se importar.

Desde o dia em que “ela virou mulher”, sua mãe usando a frase antiquada, ela estava pensando em perguntar a ele, esperando que ele não risse ou achasse estranho. Bem, ela admitiu, soava meio estranho, mas não se ela tivesse a chance de explicar seu raciocínio. Claro, ainda estava longe no futuro, mas… ela se virou para ele com um olhar sério no rosto e apertou sua mão para desviar sua atenção do jogo de vôlei. “Posso te perguntar uma coisa?” ela se aventurou, sem saber como continuar, mas precisando perguntar mesmo assim. “É claro! Bem, a menos que eu coma fígado e cebolas ou fuja para o Alasca com você”, ele respondeu, lançando aquele sorriso lindo em sua direção.

Sorrindo ela mesma, ela desviou o olhar por um momento, reunindo coragem, seus olhos pousando no lago onde a margem oposta encontrava o horizonte. “Quando chegar a hora”, caramba! parecia que ela estava pedindo a ele para planejar seu funeral! Ela limpou a garganta, tentando novamente, enquanto o olhar no rosto dele se tornava mais intrigante.

“Eu quero que você seja meu primeiro”, ela deixou escapar, suas bochechas queimando vermelhas no processo. “Você primeiro?” ele não estava conseguindo. “Sim”, ela baixou os olhos e depois encontrou os dele novamente, “Você sabe… meu primeiro… o primeiro…” Finalmente! Ele finalmente entendeu o que ela estava perguntando: “Eu?” Ele gritou: “Mas…”

Ela suspirou e desviou o olhar novamente, segurando a mão dele com ainda mais força, “Ok, eu sei que parece estranho, mas eu quero que seja com alguém que eu sei que posso confiar, alguém que eu sei que realmente me ama, não algo no calor. do momento… e não quero esperar até me casar. Acho injusto não ter uma ideia do que….é…..como trazer alguma experiência para um casamento. Quero dizer, se você vai passar a vida inteira com uma pessoa, é uma coisa muito importante saber alguma coisa…” ela sabia que estava balbuciando, mas não conseguia se conter.

“Cassie,” ele disse, “eu estou… hum, honrado, eu acho, que você me pergunte isso, mas…” “Olha, eu sei o que você vai dizer e isso não importa para mim. Eu sei que posso confiar em você… isso… e eu sei que você também não vai contar a todos os caras sobre isso, porque não é você. Nós nos amamos, certo? Isso é mais importante para mim do que… a outra parte…. “Você quer dizer que você não deseja esse lindo pedaço de homem?” ele disse, flexionando os músculos e sorrindo, esperando quebrar a tensão. Ela mal sorriu, “Fale sério”, disse ela, então hesitou. O silêncio que se seguiu pareceu durar para sempre, até que ela finalmente forçou as palavras: “Então, você vai? Seja meu primeiro?”

Ele olhou para ela por um longo tempo antes de responder, absorvendo tudo dela, vendo-a como a mulher que ela estava se tornando e não a garota que ela era quando se conheceram. Qualquer cara ficaria emocionado se ela fizesse essa pergunta a ele, mas ele não era qualquer cara. Qualquer outro cara provavelmente sugeriria que eles encontrassem um lugar isolado agora mesmo! Mas, novamente, ele não era qualquer outro cara, e é exatamente por isso que ela perguntou a ele. “Deixe-me pensar sobre isso, ok?” ele viu o rosto dela cair, “Cassie, não é que eu não queira dizer sim, mas essa é uma das razões pelas quais você me perguntou e não outra pessoa, certo? Eu não levo isso de ânimo leve nem por um segundo. Olhe para mim. Sim eu te amo. Eu nem preciso pensar duas vezes sobre essa parte… eu só não quero que nenhum de nós se arrependa. Não quero perder sua amizade por isso. E não há garantia de que “nós” não mudaremos se fizermos isso”.

Não que ela não tivesse pensado nisso e ela sabia que ele estava certo, então ela apertou a mão dele novamente, tentou sorrir e simplesmente disse: “Ok”.

Enquanto ela continuava a observá-lo, a festa parecendo continuar sem ela, ela se lembrou de que nos anos seguintes eles falaram sobre isso como se fosse uma conclusão precipitada, como se ele já tivesse decidido… às vezes eles até riram. sobre isso, falando sobre como eles fariam isso ou aquilo ou diriam isso ou aquilo… e ele nunca saiu e disse: “Sim, eu serei seu primeiro”, ela raciocinou, mas ele também não disse nada. tipo, “Ok, isso é divertido de se falar, mas eu simplesmente não consigo”. Não que ele não tivesse pensado sobre isso de todos os ângulos e às vezes parecia implícito que ele pensaria, mesmo para ele. Às vezes, ele pensava consigo mesmo: “Ah, deixe acontecer. Se der certo e se não? Está tudo bem também.” Embora isso não parecesse com os pensamentos ou ações da pessoa confiável que ela acreditava que ele fosse. E, além disso, isso foi antes… não! ele não deixaria sua mente levá-lo até lá…

Sim, ela finalmente admitiu para si mesma, ela estava pensando nisso desde que o verão começou. Ela sabia que seus pais iriam embora. Ela também sabia que eles deveriam ficar na casa de festas durante a noite, não voltar para sua cabana. Ela tentou empurrar isso para o fundo de sua mente, mas a ideia de que eles realmente tinham a oportunidade de ficar sozinhos… a assustou e a excitou ao mesmo tempo. Ela tomou outro gole de sua terceira taça de vinho, novamente, tentando acompanhar a conversa, que havia mudado para…? Ela não tinha certeza. Foco, Cássia! Ela pegou a tigela de cajus na mesinha de canto, pegando um punhado, esperando que eles absorvessem um pouco do álcool. Ela precisava da coragem líquida, ou assim ela pensou, se ela queria convencê-lo de que esta era a noite. No entanto, ela não queria muita coragem líquida… ela queria se lembrar desta noite, não afogar sua memória.

Eles tinham acabado de comer ovos, bacon e torradas, depois da festa, café da manhã no meio da noite e estavam sentados no chão, com os olhos fechados, tendo ficado sem coisas para conversar… e além disso ambos estavam simplesmente… fora cansado. Devia ser pelo menos duas da manhã, mas nenhum dos dois queria se esforçar para ir para seus respectivos quartos. O dele no primeiro andar, o dela no segundo do enorme A-frame. Cassie abriu um olho, observando suas roupas amarrotadas e cabelo bagunçado. Ainda meio bêbado, mas tão fofo! Esta noite, tinha que ser esta noite!

Ela não estava tão bêbada quanto quando eles saíram da festa ou assim ela acreditava, mas como ela iria fazer isso? Claro, ela poderia simplesmente perguntar a ele, mas ela não queria dar a ele a chance de dizer não… ou apresentar as razões inevitáveis ​​pelas quais não era uma boa ideia… pelo menos não esta noite. Ele dizia algo como: “Cassie, estamos muito bêbados… e além disso, você não quer um pouco de romance?” E quando ela dizia não, ela não se importava com romance porque eles não eram um casal romântico, ele provavelmente diria algo como: “Mas ainda assim, estamos bêbados! Você não quer esse tipo de memória, quer?” e então ele adiava sugerindo outras horas ou lugares e então um dia ela acordaria e não haveria mais hora ou lugar… em sua mente tinha que ser literalmente agora porque ela não suportava o pensamento de nunca!

Ela bocejou. E em uma voz calma, esperando que não fosse alto o suficiente para assustá-lo, mas alto o suficiente para acordá-lo, ela disse: “De jeito nenhum eu vou subir essas escadas, eu vou cair com certeza. Estou dormindo aqui no sofá.” “Eu poderia levar você até lá”, ele murmurou, seus olhos ainda fechados. Ela riu: “Agora há uma ótima ideia! Então, nós dois podemos cair!”

“Bem, por que você não dorme na minha cama então?”, sem saber que ela poderia realmente estar esperando que isso fosse exatamente o que aconteceria. “Não, eu gosto deste sofá. Já dormi nele dezenas de vezes e é confortável.” “Ok, eu vou dormir no chão então.” “Agora, por que você faria algo assim? O que… você está com medo de que eu volte para a festa? Você acha que preciso de você para me proteger caso algum serial killer à beira do lago esteja à solta? Só porque é uma cabana não significa que estamos morando em Little House on the Prairie! Você se lembra que temos alarmes de segurança para isso, certo?

Ela estava certa, é claro, e ele não via razão para discutir com ela, não realmente. E quanto mais pensava nisso, mais ansiava por aquela cama que nunca pareceu tão acolhedora. “Ok, então,” ele disse enquanto se levantava do chão, tirando o pó de seu short, se preparando para ir em direção ao quarto. “Oh! Poderia me emprestar uma de suas camisetas ou algo assim? Eu não quero dormir com isso,” ela disse, os olhos dele, pela primeira vez naquela noite, realmente notando o que ela estava vestindo. Um top vermelho apertado e um par de jeans skinny. Não, ele também não gostaria de dormir com isso. Ele foi para o quarto, vasculhando seu armário em busca de uma camisa grande, retornando com sua contribuição para o guarda-roupa de dormir dela. Quando ele entregou a ela, ela riu, seus olhos brilhando. “Sério? O monstro do biscoito? Eu nunca vi você usar isso antes.” “E a partir de sua resposta, agora você sabe por quê!” ele respondeu com um meio sorriso.

“Ok, então, vejo você no… acho que já é de manhã. Até logo.” Ele disse tentando abafar seu bocejo. “Boa noite”, disse ela, pensando consigo mesma que esperava vê-lo mais cedo ou mais tarde… e que ele a receberia quando o fizesse.

Depois que ela ouviu a porta do quarto dele fechar, ela caminhou até o banheiro do andar de baixo, tirando suas roupas de festa e colocando a camisa do monstro de biscoito. Embora ela não tivesse planejado usar nenhuma roupa sexy, ela nunca imaginou isso acontecendo enquanto ela estava vestindo uma camisa exibindo um personagem de programa infantil. Mas então, ela “planejou” em sua cabeça por anos e sabia que, embora eles pudessem realmente planejar parte disso, muito ainda estava fora de seu controle… e além disso, ela lembrou a si mesma, ela estava cansada de esperar. “Acho que essa tanga de renda vermelha vai servir”, pensou ela.

Ela acordou assustada completamente surpresa por ter adormecido! Tentando se orientar, ela afastou o cabelo castanho dos olhos e se deitou, sentindo um pouco de dor de cabeça e sabendo que provavelmente teria uma ressaca colossal em algumas horas. Oh cara! Que horas eram? Ela olhou ao redor da cabine espaçosa, incapaz de encontrar um relógio e, além disso, ela já havia pegado seus contatos, então mesmo que houvesse um, ela provavelmente não seria capaz de dizer a hora. Mais uma vez, examinando os arredores, ela notou que ainda estava escuro, sem sinal do sol no horizonte. Ainda estava quase escuro lá fora. Aconchegando-se nas almofadas do sofá e puxando a capa leve que ele deu a ela até os ombros, ela tentou pensar em seu próximo passo.

Ela notou que ele havia deixado a porta do quarto aberta. Bem, isso foi uma vantagem; sem dobradiças estridentes para entregá-la. E agora que essa semente de um plano havia sido plantada em seu cérebro, ela não conseguia impedir que brotasse. Quem sabia quando a próxima oportunidade surgiria para eles ficarem completamente sozinhos? Ela sabia que estava correndo um risco, mas a ideia toda não era um risco? Não é por isso que eles estão dançando em torno dele há anos? Ela estava cansada de dança lenta. Ela esfregou os olhos, respirou fundo ou duas para acalmar os nervos, bocejou, espreguiçou-se… e mesmo que ela estivesse completamente sobre a dança, isso não significava que ela estava realmente pronta para sair da pista de dança. A nova dança, seja um tango, uma valsa ou o que quer que seja, era um completo desconhecido.

Ainda adormecido e sem saber o que estava fazendo, ele se aconchegou em seu calor e pegou sua mão trêmula, puxando-a para sua barriga. Mas pouco antes de parecer que ele iria voltar ao sono, ele acordou, levantando a parte superior do corpo em um cotovelo e virando-se para Cassie assustada. O olhar em seus olhos… era quase como se ele não soubesse quem ela era! E então um flash de reconhecimento e… medo?

“Cássia!!!” ele meio que assobiou: “O que você está fazendo?” “Shhh!” ela meio que riu, “Você não tem que sussurrar, nós somos os únicos aqui, lembra?” Ele se jogou na cama e soltou um suspiro irregular, sem dizer outra palavra, tentando se orientar. Ele abriu e fechou os olhos algumas vezes, tentando controlar seus pensamentos ansiosos. Quando seu corpo fez sua tentativa de voltar ao normal, ele percebeu que ainda estava segurando a mão dela e a teria soltado se não estivesse apertada firmemente na dela… e ele queria descobrir o que estava acontecendo primeiro. Talvez ela tenha tido um pesadelo… ou talvez a chuva que começou durante a noite a tenha acordado. Ele podia ouvir o tamborilar constante dele batendo no telhado… e teria sido quase reconfortante para ele se ele não estivesse deitado aqui… assim… Deus! ele pensou, tudo que eu tenho é minha calcinha! E não era como se ela não o tivesse visto apenas de cueca antes… mas agora parecia diferente, como se não fosse mais uma coisa perfeitamente natural para ela ver.

Ele limpou a garganta e olhou para ela, não muito pronto para olhá-la nos olhos, e repetiu sua pergunta original: “Cassie, o que você está fazendo?” “Eu não quero esperar mais”, ela declarou tão simples e firmemente que ele levou um momento para descobrir o que ela não queria esperar e por que exigia que ela estivesse em sua cama. Woah… o que ele ia dizer… ou fazer? Ele nunca disse sim para ela, mas… do jeito que eles falaram sobre “isso” ao longo dos anos, ele podia ver onde ela poderia pensar que ele estava no estágio “talvez” porque ele nunca disse não também.

Houve algumas vezes em que ele até tentou bancar o casamenteiro, esperando que ela encontrasse alguém que estava realmente procurando e não apenas alguém em quem confiasse, como ele. Alguém por quem ela estava loucamente apaixonada! Ele a apresentou, ele não conseguia se lembrar de quantos caras novos na escola ou aqueles que ele conheceu em vários lugares, mas ele quase teve a sensação de que ela estava apenas fingindo interesse nos poucos com quem ela realmente saía. , sabendo exatamente o que ele estava fazendo… e apenas saindo com esses caras para apaziguá-lo. E ele sabia que ela era inteligente o suficiente para saber o que ele estava tentando fazer, mas ele continuou tentando mesmo assim. E então um dia ele simplesmente desistiu. Ele estava totalmente ciente do que ela queria e seus planos não incluíam se apaixonar no ensino médio, eles nunca o fizeram.

O longo silêncio entre eles pareceu se arrastar para sempre até que ela disse: “Eu já decidi que não vou deixar isso mudar nossa amizade… Pense nisso como um teste, uma passagem de som, um…” Ele não pôde deixar de rir: “Sério????? Um teste? Você percebe que eu não sou apenas um carro de corrida ou uma guitarra, certo? Eu não sou apenas um… tanto faz… você pode usar para chegar ao seu objetivo. “Bem, seria novo para você também! Estou disposto a ser SEU carro de corrida… SUA guitarra… “Mas é diferente para mim e você sabe disso… há…”

“Sim, eu sei disso… mas ninguém…” “Cassie, não apenas um ninguém…” “Ok, ok… mas você não está nem um pouco curioso?” Ele pensou sobre isso muitas vezes, e na verdade ele estava curioso, mas a curiosidade era uma razão válida para… e lembrar o que aconteceu com o gato, ele pensou. Não que ele pensasse que morreria como resultado, mas poderia matar…..

“Olha, eu sei que nós conversamos sobre isso muito antes… bem, você sabe… e eu sei que você acha que a longo prazo não será tão importante para mim… mas parece…”

“Mas isso não!” ela insistiu. “Isso nunca vai acontecer novamente entre nós… continuaremos amigos e você continuará com sua vida e…” O “e”, esse era o problema. Ele realmente não se importava com a ideia principalmente porque ele não queria que ela se arrependesse de alguma experiência ruim no futuro… e a primeira vez foi difícil o suficiente, especialmente para as meninas ou assim ele foi informado. Pelo menos ele poderia ter certeza de que era a melhor experiência possível. Ele seria gentil e atencioso, provavelmente atencioso demais, preocupado que pudesse machucá-la mesmo que tentasse não fazê-lo. E ninguém além dele e Cassie jamais saberia, certo? Ela seguiria em frente com sua vida e ele faria o mesmo. Todo mundo sabia que eles eram apenas amigos… incluindo…..

Ela se deitou calmamente ao lado dele, ainda segurando sua mão, sabendo que tinha que deixá-lo decidir por si mesmo. Sim, ela queria que ele fosse o primeiro, mas ela entendia seu dilema. Tudo o que ela podia fazer era esperar que seu desejo se tornasse realidade.

Mais uma vez, ele fechou os olhos, tentando obter uma imagem clara de todas as razões por que e por que não… verdade, ele reconheceu, sua mente não estava tão clara quanto ele gostaria que estivesse, mas ele não estava mais bêbado e nem ela. Ele não queria fazer isso necessariamente como um favor, mas é assim que ela honestamente parecia ver isso. Ele olhou para ela, lembrando de tudo o que eles passaram ao longo dos anos. Eles tinham uma amizade sólida… claro, isso parecia algum tipo de transação às vezes, desprovida dos sentimentos certos… mas era isso que ela queria. O que ele queria era poupá-la, esperançosamente, de uma primeira experiência ruim no futuro.

“Ok, Cassie”, ele suspirou, mas disse com uma voz decisiva, “mas você nunca pode contar a ninguém… nunca.” “Obrigada”, seus olhos suavizaram, “e eu prometo que ninguém nunca vai saber e especialmente…” “Pare aí mesmo,” ele disse, “eu acredito em você.”

E de repente eles não sabiam o que dizer… ou fazer… então, ela tentou dar o que esperava ser um sorriso encorajador, fechou os olhos e se inclinou para beijá-lo. Não era como se ela nunca tivesse beijado ninguém… não era como se ela nunca tivesse sido abraçada ou tocada… e não era como se ele não tivesse nenhuma experiência, mas a dele era… ohhh, isso parece bom, ela pensou. Ele obviamente sabia como beijar.

Ele puxou seu corpo para mais perto, acariciando seu lindo rosto com os dedos, pontilhando-o com suaves beijos de borboleta. Trabalhando seu caminho de volta para seus lábios macios, ele tomou seu tempo, mordiscando-os como se fossem seu doce favorito. Ele sentiu a respiração dela acelerar, não tendo que esperar enquanto ela respondia a sua língua, permitindo que ele explorasse, incapaz de suprimir seu desejo de enredar sua língua com a dele… esta era uma dança da qual ela nunca se cansaria, ela pensou. ela própria. Suas mãos sensíveis se demoraram em seu pescoço e ombros, deslizando sob a camiseta boba de monstro de biscoito, tocando seus seios, enquanto ela soltava um suspiro e então se acomodava em seu toque firme, mas terno.

Ela estremeceu um pouco… as mãos dele pareciam estranhas ao seu corpo. Por mais familiares que fossem um com o outro, nada poderia tê-la preparado para os sentimentos que ele estava provocando enquanto se demorava sob o peso de seus seios, nunca tendo tocado essas áreas mais íntimas… -camisa sobre a cabeça? Quando ele baixou os lábios para um único mamilo, de alguma forma parecia completamente natural. Ela reflexivamente agarrou seu cabelo, deixando escapar um gemido que estava em algum lugar entre um guincho e um longo suspiro, enquanto ele tomava o tempo para acariciar sua barriga côncava com a outra mão.

Ele podia sentir seu pau ficando duro enquanto continuava as preliminares, voltando para os lábios dela, beijando-a profundamente com apenas um toque a mais de firmeza enquanto deslizava os dedos ao longo do contorno de sua calcinha rendada, em seguida, deslizando-os por baixo, usando um único dedo para acariciar seu clitóris, em seguida, deslizando-o na umidade de sua vagina. Deixando o polegar levemente em seu clitóris, ele esperava que não estivesse sendo muito áspero ao acariciá-lo.

Ele olhou para o rosto dela, seus olhos fechados, parecendo alegremente perdido, um estranho para o que ela estava sentindo… Ele sussurrou: “Ok?” “Mmmmm…” foi sua única resposta enquanto ela se movia contra seus dedos procurando algo que ela nunca havia sentido antes, não tendo certeza se ela encontraria… ou pelo menos não desta vez.

Eu quero tocá-lo, ela pensou, como ele se sente?, ela se perguntou… e em resposta a esse pensamento ela se virou de lado, alcançando seu pênis, sentindo-o sob o tecido fino de sua calcinha. Ele não estava completamente duro, mas ela não tinha certeza de como ele deveria se sentir… e então ela sentiu uma mão sobre a dela, guiando-a por baixo de sua calcinha, ajudando-a a deslizá-la para baixo enquanto ele a chutava, e murmurando: “Deixe-me mostrar-lhe.” Tomando sua mão exploradora e seus dedos, ele dobrou a mão dela firmemente ao redor de sua rigidez e começou a mover sua mão tão feminina para cima e para baixo, às vezes evitando a cabeça, às vezes deslizando sobre ela.

Ela não sabia o que esperava, mas agora possuir o conhecimento de que tinha esse tipo de poder sobre o prazer de um homem só a fazia se sentir mais excitada. Tão duro, tão quente… e então ela o sentiu usando sua própria mão para acariciar suas bolas, sabendo que algum dia ela saberia como fazer isso também.

Ele abriu os olhos para encontrar os dela fechados, parecendo estar completamente absorto no que ela estava fazendo com ele… com ele. E ele sorriu para si mesmo… bom! era isso que ele esperava. Ele fechou os olhos novamente, mordiscando os lábios dela, então murmurando contra eles… “Você está pronto?” “Mmmmm…” foi tudo o que ela conseguiu.

Alcançando a tanga, juntos eles a removeram um pouco desajeitadamente… e então ele a puxou contra seu corpo, deixando-a sentir a liberdade da nudez total entre eles e, novamente, pegando sua mão, ele mostrou a ela como explorar totalmente seu corpo , revelando lugares que ela nunca pensou que fossem erógenos. “Minha vez”, ele murmurou com um sorriso na voz, enquanto usava as mãos para contar a ela uma história silenciosa de seu próprio corpo, como um romance de mistério… exceto que ela nunca queria chegar ao final.

Ela voluntariamente o deixou guiar uma de suas mãos para sua virilha, replicando o que ele tinha feito antes, sabendo que isso provavelmente não era novo para ela… unhas na carne macia. “Agora….” ela murmurou, “por favor… agora…”

Rolando-a de costas, ele se levantou em seus braços apenas o suficiente para que pudesse esfregar seu pênis em sua barriga enquanto seus quadris se moviam para cima e para baixo incapazes de se controlar. Movendo seu pênis duro contra seu osso púbico, ele agarrou sua mão uma última vez, silenciosamente pedindo-lhe para ser seu guia… não era que ele não soubesse, mas… ela sabia o que e por que ele estava perguntando. para protegê-la… assim como ele para colocar as necessidades dela acima das dele. Ele não sabia o que esperar, mas, no que lhe dizia respeito, isso não era sobre ele. Enquanto ele se movia cada vez mais dentro dela, seu pênis foi engolido pela carne úmida e quente. “Ok?” ele sussurrou de novo, o que pode ter soado bobo, mas ele leu o suficiente para saber que poderia ser doloroso para ela. Um sussurrado “Yeahhhh…” foi tudo o que ela conseguiu fazer.

Ela também não sabia o que esperar, mas não parecia ruim ou mesmo tão doloroso… ainda não de qualquer maneira. Senti-lo dentro dela e saber o quão cuidadoso ele estava sendo apenas a fez mais grata por tê-lo escolhido para ser seu primeiro. Ele sabia o que estava fazendo, apesar de… bem, isso não importava, pelo menos não para ela. Ela podia dizer que ele estava chegando ao clímax, embora ela não sentisse nada diferente do que ela estava sentindo a noite toda. Parecia muito, muito bom e sensual… muito íntimo, ela adivinhou.

Ele lentamente abaixou seu corpo em cima do dela e descansou a cabeça no oco de seu pescoço, beijando-o suavemente. Ela virou a cabeça e enterrou o rosto em seu cabelo, beijando seu couro cabeludo. “Obrigada”, foi tudo o que ela conseguiu pensar em dizer. Eles ficaram assim por um tempo até que sua respiração ficou uniforme e então ele lentamente rolou para o lado e ela rolou para o dela, de frente para ele.

Por alguma razão, nenhum dos dois queria interromper a paz que os cercava. A chuva ainda caía, batendo um ritmo no telhado. Esses momentos eram preciosos para ela, ele sabia. E ela parecia contente no silêncio. De alguma forma eles sabiam que “eu te amo” não era uma coisa apropriada para dizer, mesmo que eles se amassem. Esse tipo de “eu te amo” deve esperar por aquele neste grande mundo que esperou por cada um deles em algum lugar. Em vez disso, eles mantiveram o silêncio e adormeceram de mãos dadas, mas tocando em algum nível invisível também. Sem arrependimentos.

Categories
WILD WORLD

CHAPTER 6 – NO REGRETS

Dear readers: If this chapter confuses you it’s because there is an intentional mystery in it. Even my beta didn’t get it the first couple times she read it. Never fear, the mystery will be revealed in future chapters.

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Cassie sat alone on the boat dock dangling her feet in the cool water, gazing out at the early morning activity in Heritage Lake marina. The idea that only a few hours earlier she’d been sleeping peacefully beside him made her both happy and sad all at the same time. The lingering headache was a not so subtle reminder that it hadn’t taken much to get them drunk…..at 16, parties like the one they’d attended last night were the exception not the norm.

They’d arrived at about 7:30 or so, their own contribution to the pilfered selection of bottles and 6-packs in hand, transferring the two bottles of wine and cold 6-pack of Miller Lite into the hands of their host. The party was in full swing and within seconds they were surrounded by their friends, singing off-key and dancing badly, none of them caring one whit about it either. Most of the night they’d spent squeezed into a corner of one of the rec room couches attempting conversation with each other and the friends and strangers scattered on the blue-carpeted floor, the music drowning out most of their words. Leaning in closer so he wouldn’t have to shout, he said, “Would you like to dance?” She smiled, nodding her head so she wouldn’t have to say anything over the beat of the thumping bass. However, in this crowd, dancing was definitely a misnomer as it seemed the best they could do was stand in place swaying to the music, sort of like swimming upstream, she thought.

They’d known each other since eighth grade and had become fast friends….best friends as it would turn out. He’d gotten her through the breakup of her first serious relationship…..raising her brown eyes to meet the blue of the sky, she shook her head at the memory and grinned. She had to laugh at the thought that the month long relationship with Brad was something she’d once considered serious. He’d held her hand and let her soak his shoulder in tears for the whole two days it had taken to get over Brad. They’d never dated, although he was always there if she needed or wanted someone to accompany her to some social event or another. Mostly, the group they ran with wasn’t into dating anyone seriously. For most of them, it was just more fun to spend time with each other. They reasoned they had plenty of time for relationships in college or even after college. None of them were in any hurry to pair up.

For as long as she could remember, this resort had been home for at least a month every summer, usually July, sometimes August. The resort’s rental cabins were roomy A-frames, the ideal place to relax and recharge their batteries before the start of school and to avoid thinking about the inevitability of winter in just a few short months.

The number of families varied year to year, sometimes requiring two or even three cabins, but they were all huddled side by side and never far from the beach. Swimming, boating, windsurfing, kitesurfing….there was always plenty to do, but one of their favorite things to do was picnic, sometimes alone, sometimes with their other friends, but they loved sharing the beach alone in the morning before most everyone else was up and ready to start their day.

They’d pack a small basket the night before filled with protein bars or egg muffins, some fruit, maybe some mini bagels and cream cheese and juice boxes. Tiptoeing quietly out the door, hoping not to wake the others, they’d leave before 5:00 to hopefully catch the sunrise. She’d tell him about who had a crush on who (like he didn’t already know) and they’d laugh about all the things that that couple did or didn’t have in common. He’d tell her what his plans were after high school….sometimes they’d change from week to week…..but emphasizing that he was going to get as far away from the Midwest as he could. They’d both complain about their parents and how they couldn’t wait to graduate. College was a foregone conclusion for both of them, not because they were particularly interested in college, but because in their parents’ dreams for them college was a must. No matter that neither planned on following their parents’ dreams.

The sound of a boat skimming across the lake, creating waves, causing the dock to sway, brought her thoughts back to the present. Their parents had taken an overnight trip the night before. As far as she knew they’d never once missed the day-long music festival. The genre might change from year to year, but that’s why they never missed! Music was music, they said, from big band to rap, they loved it all! Unlike most of her friends, she could never say her parents were stuck in their ways…or his either….at least when it came to music, she guessed.

When they’d been younger, they’d ask other cabin dwellers to take them in for the night, but last year they’d decided that they were old enough to stay by themselves, with one exception. Of course their parents were not oblivious to the mischief that teens could and most likely would get up to in their absence, and they were well aware of the weekend parties……but always supervised by chaperones (the so out-of-date word always accompanied by eye rolls from the two of them). In fact, their parents had been their “keepers” as they liked to call it on more than one occasion. But they’d struck a deal with the two. They could stay at the cabin alone while they were gone, but if they went to a party, they were supposed to sleep there overnight.

And they’d never really meant to go back on that promise…..not really….until last night. In hindsight, she could blame it on the booze clouding what little judgment they had left when they’d headed back to their own cabin, she could rationalize how it couldn’t hurt as long as no one ever knew…..if their “keepers” had noticed they would have come knocking at the door and drug them back to the party cabin, probably accompanied by stern warnings….but they hadn’t….for whatever reason they hadn’t.

But deep down she knew the truth. She’d wanted it to happen. It had been in the back of her mind ever since they’d arrived at the lake…and why he hadn’t insisted they stay where they’d promised she’d never know….she didn’t want to know….and she’d never ask him.

“Come on,” she’d whispered as they stood on the deck, the cool, but humid breeze blowing her hair out of her face, “it’s only a few feet away. I don’t want to stay here tonight,” citing that the idea of sleeping in a room filled with inebriated friends, collapsed over couches or chairs or on the floor was far less appealing than sleeping in their own beds.

All night she’d been watching him carefully, but he hadn’t seemed to notice. He’d been talking to…well, mostly yelling…..at Cooper and Sabrina, who’d managed to find a few square inches of space on the floor. Cassie had feigned an interest in the topic of conversation, the upcoming swimming and boating competitions that the resort hosted to close out the summer season, but with each sip of the cheap wine she was drinking, the more her mind seemed to focus on him.

She loved him so much….but she wasn’t in love with him nor was he in love with her. But they knew they could tell each other anything, no topic seemed to be off limits. Sometimes she wished they were in love. She couldn’t imagine anything better than spending her life with him. Over the years, they’d jokingly talked about just such an inevitability, both knowing it was just talk. They’d exchange ideas about what their perfect life partner would be like….and then find it hysterical when sometimes it seemed they were describing each other.

She still remembered the day she’d finally gotten up the nerve to ask him a question she’d longed to ask since she was 13. They’d actually been sitting right here on this dock, playfully splashing water on each other, pointing out when they saw a fish bubble to the surface or comment on the game of beach volleyball that was being played not far from them. He’d been holding her hand as he often did and her hands felt sweaty to her, but he didn’t seem to care.

Ever since the day “she became of woman,” her mother using the old-fashioned phrase, she’d been thinking about asking him, hoping he wouldn’t laugh or think it was weird. Well, she conceded, it did sound kind of weird, but not if she was given a chance to explain her reasoning. Of course, it was still far in the future but….she’d turned to him with an earnest look on her face and squeezed his hand to draw his attention away from the volleyball game. “Can I ask you something?” she’d ventured, unsure how to continue, but needing to ask nonetheless. “Of course! Well, unless it’s will I eat liver and onions or will I run off to Alaska with you,” he’d replied, flashing that gorgeous smile her way.

Smiling herself, she looked away for a moment, gathering her courage, her eyes settling on the lake where the opposite shore met the horizon. “When the time comes,” geez! it sounded like she was asking him to plan her funeral! She cleared her throat, trying again, as the look on his face turned more quizzical.

“I want you to be my first,” she blurted out, her cheeks flaming red in the process. “Your first?” he wasn’t getting it. “Yeah,” she lowered her eyes and then met his again, “You know….my first…the first one….” Finally! He finally understood what she was asking, “Me?” He squeaked out, “But….”

She sighed and looked away again, holding his hand even more tightly, “Okay, I know it sounds weird, but I want it to be with someone I know I can trust, someone that I know really loves me, not something in the heat of the moment…..and I don’t want to wait until I’m married. I think it’s unfair to not have some idea of what….it’s…..like, to bring some experience to a marriage. I mean if you’re going to spend your whole life with one person, it’s a pretty important thing to know something….” she knew she was babbling, but couldn’t seem to stop herself.

“Cassie,” he said, “I’m…um, honored, I guess, that you would ask me that, but…” “Look, I know what you’re going to say and it doesn’t matter to me. I know I can trust you with….that….and I know you’re not going to tell all the guys about it either, because that’s not you. We love each other, right? That’s more important to me than….the other part…. “You mean you don’t lust after this gorgeous hunk of a man?” he said, flexing his muscles and smiling, hoping to break the tension. She barely smiled, “Be serious,” she said, then hesitated. The ensuing silence seemed to go on forever, until she finally forced the words out, “So, will you? Be my first?”

He looked at her for a very long time before answering, taking in all of her, seeing her as the woman she was becoming and not the girl she’d been when they met. Any guy would be thrilled to have her ask this question of him, but he wasn’t any guy. Any other guy would probably suggest they find a secluded spot right now! But again he wasn’t any other guy, which is precisely why she’d asked him. “Let me think about it, okay?” he saw her face fall, “Cassie, it’s not that I don’t want to say yes, but that’s one of the reasons you asked me and not someone else, right? I don’t take this lightly even for a second. Look at me. Yes, I love you. I don’t even have to think twice about that part….I just don’t want either of us to regret it. I don’t want to lose your friendship over this. And there’s no guarantee that “we” won’t change if we do this.”

It wasn’t that she hadn’t thought of that and she knew he was right, so she squeezed his hand again, tried to smile and simply said, “Okay.”

As she continued to observe him, the party seeming to go on without her, she was reminded that over the ensuing years they’d talked about it as if it was a foregone conclusion, as if he’d already decided…sometimes they even laughed about it, talking about how they would do this or that or say this or that….and he’d never actually come out and said, “Yes, I’ll be your first,” she reasoned, but neither had he said something like, “Okay, this is fun to talk about, but I just can’t do it.” It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought about it from every angle and sometimes it just sort of seemed implied that he would, even to him. Sometimes he would think to himself, “Oh, just let it happen. If it does fine and if not? That’s okay, too.” Although that didn’t seem like the thoughts or actions of the trustworthy person she believed him to be. And besides, that was before….no! he wouldn’t let his mind take him there….

Yes, she finally admitted to herself, she’d been thinking about this ever since the summer had started. She knew their parents would be gone. She also knew that they were supposed to stay at the party house overnight, not go back to their cabin. She’d tried to push it to the back of her mind, but the idea that they actually had an opportunity to be alone……it scared her and excited her all at once. She took another sip of her third glass of wine, again, trying to follow the conversation, which had changed to….? She wasn’t sure. Focus, Cassie! She reached for the bowl of cashews on the end table, taking a handful, hoping they would absorb some of the alcohol. She needed the liquid courage, or so she thought, if she was going to convince him that tonight was the night. Yet, she didn’t want too much liquid courage….she wanted to remember this night, not drown its memory.

They’d just polished off an eggs, bacon and toast, after party, middle of the night breakfast and were sitting on the floor, their eyes closed, having run out of things to talk about….and besides they were both just flat-out tired. It had to be at least 2:00 in the morning, but neither wanted to make the effort to go to their respective bedrooms. His on the first floor, hers on the second of the huge A-frame. Cassie opened one eye, taking in his rumpled clothes and messy hair. Still half-drunk, but so cute! Tonight, it had to be tonight!

She wasn’t as drunk as she’d been when they’d left the party or so she believed, but how was she going to do this? Sure, she could just ask him, but she didn’t want to give him the chance to say no…..or come up with the inevitable reasons why it wasn’t a good idea….at least not tonight. He’d say something like, “Cassie, we’re too drunk…and besides, don’t you want a little romance?” And when she’d say no, she didn’t care about romance because they weren’t a romantic couple, he’d probably say something like, “But still, we’re drunk! You don’t want that kind of memory do you?” and then he’d put it off by suggesting other times or places and then one day she’d wake up and there would be no more time or place…..in her mind it literally had to be now because she couldn’t stand the thought of never!

She yawned. And in a quiet voice, hoping it was not loud enough to startle him, but loud enough to awaken him, she said, “There’s no way I’m climbing those stairs, I’ll fall for sure. I’m sleeping here on the couch.” “I could carry you up there,” he murmured, his eyes still closed. She giggled, “Now there’s a great idea! Then, we could both fall!”

“Well, why don’t you sleep in my bed then,” not knowing that she might actually be hoping that that was exactly what would happen. “No, I like this couch. I’ve slept on it dozens of times and it’s comfortable.” “Okay, I’ll sleep on the floor then.” “Now why would you do something like that? What…are you afraid I’ll sneak back to the party? Do you think that I need you to protect me in case some lakeside serial killer is on the loose? Just because it’s a cabin doesn’t mean we’re living in Little House on the Prairie! You do remember we have security alarms for that, right?”

She was right, of course, and he saw no reason to argue with her, not really. And the more he thought about it the more he longed for that bed that had never seemed so welcoming. “Okay then,” he said as he rose from the floor, dusting off his shorts, getting ready to head towards the bedroom. “Oh! Could I borrow one of your T-shirts or something? I don’t want to sleep in this,” she said, his eyes, for the first time that night, actually noticing what she was wearing. A tight red top and a pair of skinny jeans. No, he wouldn’t want to sleep in that either. He headed for the bedroom, rummaging through his closet for an oversized shirt, returning with his contribution to her bedtime wardrobe. As he handed it to her, she laughed, her eyes twinkling. “Really? The cookie monster? I’ve never seen you wear this before.” “And gathering from your response, now you know why!” he replied with a half-smile.

“Okay then, see you in the….I guess it’s already morning. See you later.” He said trying to stifle his yawn. “Good night,” she said, thinking to herself that she hoped she’d see him sooner rather than later….and that he’d welcome her when he did.

She padded her way to the downstairs bathroom, removing her party clothes and slipping on the cookie monster shirt. Although she hadn’t planned to wear any sexy clothes, she’d never pictured it happening while she was wearing a shirt displaying a kids show character. But then, she’d “planned” it in her head for years and knew that although they could indeed plan some of it, a lot was still out of their control….and besides she reminded herself, she was tired of waiting. “I guess this red lace thong will have to do,” she thought.

She startled awake completely surprised that she’d fallen asleep! Trying to orient herself she brushed her chestnut hair out of her eyes and laid back down, feeling a bit of a headache and knowing that she’d probably have a collosal hangover in a few hours. Oh man! What time was it? She glanced around the roomy cabin, unable to find a clock, and besides she’d already taken her contacts out so even if there was one, she probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the time. Again, surveying her surroundings she noted that it was still dark out with no sign of the sun on the horizon. It was still almost pitch-black outside. Snuggling into the couch cushions and drawing the lightweight cover he’d given her up to her shoulders, she tried to think about her next move.

She’d noticed that he’d left his bedroom door open. Well, that was a plus; no squeaky hinges to give her away. And now that this seed of a plan had been planted in her brain, she couldn’t stop it from sprouting. Who knew when the next opportunity would arise for them to be completely alone? She knew she was taking a risk, but wasn’t the whole idea a risk? Isn’t that why they’d been dancing around it for years? She was tired of slow dancing. She rubbed her eyes, took a deep breath or two to calm her nerves, yawned, stretched…..and even though she was completely over the dance, that didn’t mean she was actually ready to step off the dance floor. The new dance, be it a tango, a waltz or whatever was a complete unknown.

Enough! her mind refused to be changed. She whispered a silent prayer begging whomever was in control of this world to make this alright, to make the risk worth every moment. “Please don’t let him say no,” she murmured, and just for good measure she begged a second time, “Pleaassseee.”

She tiptoed toward his bedroom, stopping when she got to the open door. The glow of the bathroom nightlight allowed her to see him laying on the bed, facing towards her. He was so handsome and, as cliche as it sounded, he looked like a sleeping child, moving through dream after dream in a world that she couldn’t see. He’d fall in love with someone someday, she smiled as she leaned against the door jamb, and she hoped whoever ended up winning his heart was worthy of him.

There was that stupid voice nagging at her to rush. “Let’s get this over with and let the chips fall where they may!” But, she tried to reason with the voice, she’d waited this long, and even though so far it was nothing like she’d imagined it, she didn’t just want “to get it over with.” And besides, first she had to get over the hurdle of him saying yes to “now.” Not some other time, next week, next month, next year…or worse, “No, Cassie, I can’t.”

Again, on tiptoes, she made her way to the other side of the bed, almost afraid to breathe. As she dropped to the side of the bed, she halted for a second as she felt the bed move, releasing a sigh when she realized he was just trying to find a more comfortable position. Settling himself once more, she waited for what seemed like interminable minutes. Mentally preparing, then lifting the patchwork comforter and the sheet, she slid her body under the covers, halting again…..waiting to see if he would roll over or move again or whatever, she sighed. She laid quietly, listening to him breathe, taking in his scent….gathering her courage once more, then closing the mere inches between their bodies, finally wrapping her arm around his waist.

Still asleep and unaware of what he was doing, he snuggled into her warmth and reached for her shaking hand, drawing it to his belly. But just before it appeared that he was going to settle back into slumber, he jolted awake, raising his upper body on one elbow and turning to a startled Cassie. The look in his eyes….it was almost like he didn’t know who she was! And then a flash of recognition and….fear?

“Cassie!!!” he sort of hissed, “What are you doing?” “Shhhh!” she sort of giggled, “You don’t have to whisper, we’re the only ones here, remember?” He flopped down on the bed and let out a ragged breath, not saying another word, trying to get his bearings. He opened and closed his eyes a few times, trying to get his anxious thoughts under control. As his body made its attempt to come back to some semblance of normal, he realized he was still holding her hand and would have let it go except it was clasped tightly in hers….and he wanted to find out what was going on first. Maybe she had a nightmare….or perhaps the rain that had started during the night had awakened her. He could hear the steady patter of it hitting the roof…and it would have been almost soothing to him if he wasn’t lying here….like this….god! he thought, all I have on is my underwear! And it wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him in just his underwear before….but now it seemed different, like it wasn’t a perfectly natural thing for her to see anymore.

He cleared his throat, and glanced over at her, not quite ready to look her in the eye, and repeated his original question, “Cassie, what are you doing?” “I don’t want to wait anymore,” she stated so simply and firmly that it took him a moment to figure out what she didn’t want to wait for and why it required her being in his bed. Woah…..what was he going to say…or do? He’d never actually said yes to her, but…..the way they’d talked about “it” over the years, he could see where she might think that he was at the “maybe” stage because he’d never said no either.

There had been a few times when he’d even tried to play matchmaker, hoping she’d find the someone she was really looking for and not just someone she trusted, like him. Someone she was head over heels in love with! He’d introduced her to he couldn’t remember how many new guys at school or those he’d met at any number of places, but he almost got the feeling that she was only feigning interest in the few she actually went on dates with, knowing exactly what he was doing…..and just going out with these guys to appease him. And he knew that she was smart enough to know what he was trying to do, but he’d continued to try nonetheless. And then one day he’d simply given up. He was fully aware of what she wanted and her plans didn’t include falling in love in high school, they never had.

The long silence between them seemed to drag on forever until she said, “I’ve already decided that I’m not going to let this change our friendship….Think of it as a trial run, a sound check, a….” He couldn’t help but laugh, “Really????? A trial run? You do realize that I’m not just a race car or a guitar, right? I’m not just a…whatever….you can use to get to your goal.” “Well, it would be new to you, too! I’m willing to be YOUR race car….YOUR guitar…. “But it’s different for me and you know it……there’s….”

“Yes, I know that…..but no one…” “Cassie, not just a no one….” “Okay, okay…..but aren’t you even a little bit curious?” He’d thought about this many times, and actually he was curious, but was curiosity a valid reason to…..and remember what happened to the cat, he thought. Not that he thought he’d die as a result, but it might kill…..

“Look, I know we talked about this long before….well, you know….and I know you think in the long run it won’t actually be that important to me…..but it feels…”

“But it’s not!” she insisted. “It’s never going to happen again between us…..we’ll remain friends and you’ll go on with your life and……” The “and,” that was the issue. He really didn’t mind the whole idea mostly because he didn’t want her to regret some bad experience in the future….and the first time was hard enough, especially for girls or so he’d been told. At least he could make sure that it was as good experience as possible. He would be gentle and attentive, probably too attentive, concerned that he might hurt her even if he tried not to. And no one but he and Cassie would ever know, right? She’d move forward with her life and he’d do the same. Everyone knew that they were only friends……including…..

She laid quietly beside him, still holding his hand, knowing she had to let him decide for himself. Yes, she wanted him to be her first, but she understood his dilemma. All she could do was hope that her wish would come true.

Again, he closed his eyes, trying to get a clear picture of all the reasons why and why not…..true, he acknowledged, his mind wasn’t as clear as he wished it should be, but he was no longer drunk and neither was she. He didn’t want to do it as a favor necessarily, but that’s the way she honestly seemed to view it. He glanced over at her, reminded of all they’d been through over the years. They had a solid friendship…sure, this seemed like some sort of transaction at times, devoid of the right feelings….but that’s what she wanted. What he wanted was to hopefully spare her a bad first experience in the future.

“Okay, Cassie,” he sighed, but said it with a decisive voice, “but you can’t ever tell anyone….not ever.” “Thank you,” her eyes softened, “and I promise no one will ever know and especially….” “Stop right there,” he said, “I believe you.”

And suddenly they didn’t know what to say….or do…..so, she tried to give what she hoped was an encouraging smile, closed her eyes and leaned in to kiss him. It wasn’t like she’d never kissed anyone…it wasn’t like she’d never been hugged or touched……and it wasn’t like he didn’t have any experience, but his was….ohhh, that feels nice, she thought. He obviously knew how to kiss.

He drew her body closer, caressing her pretty face with his fingers, dotting it with soft butterfly kisses. Working his way back to her tender lips, he took his time, nibbling them like they were his favorite candy. He felt her breath quicken, not having to wait as she responded to his tongue, allowing him to explore, unable to suppress her desire to entangle her tongue with his….this was a dance she’d never grow tired of, she thought to herself. His sensitive hands lingered on her neck and shoulders, slipping under the silly cookie monster T-shirt, touching her breasts, as she released a gasp and then settled into his firm, yet tender touch.

She shivered a little….his hands seemed foreign to her body. As familiar as they were with each other, nothing could have prepared her for the feelings he was eliciting as he lingered under the weight of her breasts, never having touched these most intimate areas……and yet as he broke their kiss and slipped the T-shirt over her head? When he lowered his lips to a single nipple, it somehow seemed completely natural. She reflexively grasped his hair, letting out a moan that was somewhere between a squeak and a long sigh, as he took the time to caress her concave belly with his other hand.

He could feel his cock getting hard as he continued the foreplay, moving back up to her lips, kissing her deeply with just a touch more firmness as he slid his fingers along the outline of her lacy thong, then slipping them underneath, using a single finger to caress her clit, then sliding it into the moistness of her vagina. Leaving his thumb lightly on her clit, he hoped he wasn’t being too rough as he stroked it.

He looked at her face, her eyes closed, appearing blissfully lost, a stranger to what she was feeling……He whispered, “Okay?” “Mmmmm…” was her only reply as she moved against his fingers seeking something she’d never felt before, not sure if she’d find it…..or at least not this time.

I want to touch him, she thought, what does he feel like?, she wondered…..and in response to that thought she turned on her side, reaching for his cock, feeling it beneath the thin cloth of his underwear. He wasn’t completely hard, but she wasn’t exactly sure how he was supposed to feel……and then she felt a hand over hers, guiding it beneath his underwear, helping her to slide them down as he kicked them off, and murmuring, “Let me show you.” Taking her exploring hand and fingers in his own, he folded her hand firmly around his stiffness and began moving her oh-so-feminine hand up and down, sometimes avoiding the head, sometimes slipping over it.

She didn’t know what she expected but now owning the knowledge that she had this kind of power over a man’s pleasure only made her feel more excited. So hard, so warm…and then she felt him using his own hand to caress his balls, knowing that someday she’d know how to do that, too.

He opened his eyes to find hers closed appearing to be completely absorbed in what she was doing with him….to him. And he smiled to himself…good! that was what he was hoping for. He closed his eyes again, nibbling on her lips, then murmuring against them….”are you ready?” “Mmmmmm….” was all she managed.

Reaching for the thong, together they removed it somewhat awkwardly….and then he pulled her flat against his body, letting her feel the freedom of total nakedness between them and, again, taking her hand, he showed her how to totally explore his body, revealing places she’d never once thought of as erogenous. “My turn,” he murmured with a smile in his voice, as he used his hands to tell her a silent story of her own body, like a mystery novel….except she didn’t ever want to get to the ending.

She willingly let him guide one of her hands to her crotch, replicating what he had done earlier, knowing this probably wasn’t new to her…but it could be so hot…..and then she gripped his ass, involuntarily digging her long fingernails into the tender flesh. “Now….” she rasped, “please….now…”

Rolling her onto her back, he raised himself on his arms just far enough so that he could rub his cock across her belly while her hips moved up and down unable to control herself. Moving his hard cock against her pubic bone, he grasped her hand one last time, silently asking her to be his guide……it wasn’t that he didn’t know, but….she knew what and why he was asking….to protect her….so like him to put her needs above his own. He didn’t know what to expect but as far as he was concerned this wasn’t about him. As he moved further and further inside her, his cock was engulfed in the wet and warm flesh. “Okay?” he whispered again, which may have sounded silly, but he’d read enough to know that it might be painful for her. A breathy “Yeahhhh…” was all she could manage.

She didn’t know what to expect either, but it didn’t feel bad or even that painful….not yet anyway. Feeling him inside of her and knowing how careful he was being only made her more grateful that she’d chosen him to be her first. He knew what he was doing, despite….well, that didn’t matter, at least not to her. She could tell he was nearing a climax, although she didn’t feel anything different than what she’d been feeling all night. It felt very, very good and sensual…..very intimate, she guessed.

He slowly lowered his body on top of hers and rested his head in the hollow of her neck, kissing it softly. She turned her head and buried her face in his hair, kissing his scalp. “Thank you,” was all she could think to say. They laid that way for a time until his breathing became even and then he slowly rolled over onto his side and she rolled onto hers, facing him.

For whatever reason, neither wanted to interrupt the peace that surrounded them. The rain was still falling, beating a rhythm on the roof. These moments were precious to her, he knew. And she seemed content in the quiet. Somehow they knew “I love you” was not an appropriate thing to say, even though they did love each other. That kind of “I love you” should wait for the one in this big wide world that waited for each of them somewhere. Instead, they kept their silence and fell asleep holding hands, yet touching on some unseen level as well. No regrets.