Category: ENGLISH: REAL LOVE (AMAR DE VERDAD) FEATURING KURT, JAVI, BLAINE & JEFF WILSON – COMPLETE

“No, I don’t think you’re crazy,” Dr. Piper said with conviction, “in fact,” he hesitated trying to come up with the right words to further reassure his client, “after what you just told me, it seems like a very logical conclusion to me.” Logical wasn’t exactly the word Javi would have used to describe his tale of an ex-lover haunting a room, complete with shattered picture frames, or haunting someone’s dreams for that matter.

It had taken Javi over a month to finally gather the courage to bring this topic up with his psychologist. And when he’d asked him if he believed in ghosts…..in the supernatural, he hadn’t replied with, “it doesn’t matter what I believe but what you believe,” the expected pat answer from a mind doctor’s point of view. He’d simply said, “Yes.”

“You do?” Javi had replied taken aback by the answer, “well then….do you have any ideas on what to do about him….it…” His voice trailed off, feeling crazy even if Dr. Piper didn’t think he was.

“Well, Javi, you seem to be making progress with your anger at Tonio or am I making an incorrect assumption?” Javi didn’t respond right away, but then said, “I haven’t been around any triggers, so it’s kind of hard to gauge, ya know?”

“Okay, if you think you might be a catalyst for Kurt’s dreams involving Tonio, has he had any recently that you’re aware of? You may not have thought of this, but the dreams are a trigger, even if you think that you’re the reason for their existence.” At least he had an answer for this question. After he’d recognized that he might be the cause of Tonio’s appearance in Kurt’s dreams, Kurt had promised to let him know any time he had one. It had taken some convincing, but after he’d given Kurt some valid reasons to do so, he’d relented. Especially when Javi said that it might help both of them, giving Kurt an outlet for the often frightening experience and giving Javi a chance to at least confront Tonio’s presence in a way that was constructive instead of frustrating.

“The last one was about two weeks after I started seeing you,” he replied, his thoughts drifting to the past. “And how did you deal with that?” It had been the middle of the night and fortunately they’d been together. Kurt had returned from San Diego earlier in the evening and Javi had been working, so they hadn’t actually seen or talked to each other, only a couple of quick texts if he remembered right. When he’d gotten home, expecting the usual welcome from his partner, it was obvious to Javi that Kurt had been tired. He found the large bowl of chicken noodle soup in the fridge, crackers on the table next to a place setting of dishes, and a loving note he’d tucked under the spoon and then gone to bed.

Tired himself, after eating, Javi had taken a nice hot shower, allowing it to soothe his after-performance adrenalin rush, and then he’d quietly slipped between the covers, Kurt’s steady breathing lulling him to sleep. Just when the sun had begun to shed its inviting rays along the edges of the blackout blinds, their sleep had been utterly destroyed when Kurt started frantically patting the bed beside him in his sleep, obviously searching for Javi. Javi had taken him into his arms, waking him with soothing words of “Kurt, it’s okay! It’s okay!” Not sure if he believed what he was saying, but saying it nonetheless.

After explaining the circumstances surrounding the dream, Javi reiterated, “Well, we definitely didn’t spend any time talking about how crazy it was….or why it was happening. I took your advice and tried to take myself out of the equation, like a bystander watching events unfold.” Of course, Dr. Piper hadn’t known at the time that this technique might apply to an otherworldly situation, but from Javi’s perspective, it had the same effect.

“After I calmed him down, I asked Kurt to describe the dream, to take his time and to think of any differences between that dream and some of his prior ones.” “And were there any differences?” Dr. Piper inquired.

“No, or at least none that he could recall.” Dr. Piper nodded and then asked, “You mentioned his ex-boyfriend?” he glanced down at his handwritten note, “Blaine, right?” “Yeah, he’s having similar dreams.” “Hmmmm…..interesting. Can you tell me something about him and his dreams?”

Javi took a deep breath and closed his eyes, sort of googling his brain searching for what it could remember about Blaine. At first he attempted to be brief, but Dr. Piper said, “Don’t leave anything out. Anything that comes to mind is helpful.” So Javi launched into their past history, then his own history with Blaine and as much as he could remember about the details of Blaine’s dreams. He shook his head. He hadn’t realized until now how much had transpired between them in less than a year!

Javi listened to the scratch of the pen as Dr. Piper scribbled a few more notes, glanced up from his writing and then put his pen down. “Javi…..I don’t want to be premature…..but, I think you might have made a significant breakthrough.” “I have? But….I still don’t understand why Kurt and Blaine are the ones dreaming about Tonio because of MY anger issues, doc. I mean, Kurt and I have tossed around some theories, but….”

Dr. Piper took a breath and steepled his fingers, “I’ve just heard this story, so this is just what might be a possibility, off the top of my head. You avoided long-term personal relationships from the time of Tonio’s death until you met Kurt, am I right?” Javi nodded as Dr. Piper began his recap.

“Then, Kurt comes along, and suddenly you’re in the midst of a whirlwind of a relationship, where your whole world changes. You’re in love! That in itself can be a catalyst for a whole variety of things. And tell me if I get this wrong….not long after, Kurt starts having repetitive dreams, right?”

Again, Javi nodded, wondering where this was going. “Yes, with Tonio at the center,” Javi provided. “Okay, repetitive dreams are a pattern with Kurt…and usually mean something significant. And then, inadvertently, Blaine reenters the picture.”

“Inadvertently?” Javi asked with a puzzled look. “I was the one who suggested that Kurt try to make amends with Blaine. How is that inadvertent?”

“Javi, you didn’t intentionally invite Blaine back into Kurt’s life as a long-term thing. You wanted to help Kurt rid himself of some of his own baggage. And it worked, didn’t it? But you couldn’t anticipate what happened after that. And, yes, before you say anything, you did offer Blaine assistance if he ever made it to California, but as you said you viewed that as a strategic move. As you put it keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.”

“So, Blaine arrives, you introduce him to your manager and he likes what he sees, and offers Blaine a role in the play you’re in. You end up moving to LA to accommodate the play, which puts Kurt and Blaine in closer proximity to each other. Do you remember when Blaine started having the dreams? Doesn’t matter at the moment, but I’d like you to find out. This is just hypothetical right now.”

“And here we have two people who considered themselves soulmates at one point and have a significant history of upheaval as well. And one of them wants to renew the relationship as a friendship.” Javi was becoming intrigued, even if this was only a hypothesis.

“Kurt is obviously sensitive to the supernatural and perhaps Blaine is, too, or it would appear that way to me. You’re in the middle of this picture. You have unresolved anger issues with Tonio. Kurt’s already dreaming about Tonio and perhaps Blaine is too, right? Then, you have the strange activity in the bedroom.”

He hesitated for a minute, trying to keep his thoughts on track, “I think, now, don’t put too much stock in this, but….I think, you bring two people with a strong positive and negative history back together? One is definitely sensitive to….whatever you want to call it…and that would be Kurt. Then, Blaine arrives on the scene and becomes another conduit for the dreams, the activity, anything outside of the seen world, because they’re like two poles of a magnet.”

“You asked if I believe in ghosts and I said yes. When you deal with the mind there are all kinds of things that influence it and I believe that what we can’t see is just as powerful as what we can. Some would view this as possible hallucinations or say that dreams are insignificant or irrelevant. Lots would disagree with me about ghosts, but that’s neither here nor there.”

“Okay, where was I,” he paused while peeking at his notes, “You’re in the middle of all this unseen, not even sure what you believe about it. But, Tonio, and this is a but, remember….has found conduits to get your attention in a big way. I don’t know what everything means with regards to Kurt and Blaine, all the symbolism from their pasts in the dreams, but in your situation, yes, I believe you are the catalyst for Tonio’s presence in these dreams, and yes, probably the activity in Blaine’s apartment.”

“Wow!” was all Javi could think to say. This was alot to take in! “But….what can I do to end it? And I don’t mean just the present problem. I mean the future. Like I’ve already said, I don’t want Tonio’s ghost hanging around trying to direct my life or offer me advice from beyond!”

“Javi, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe we never will, but let’s deal with the reason you’re here. Anger at Tonio because of past actions, not present or future ones. Let’s start with that.”

As Javi opened the front door he could hear Kurt singing along to a video he was watching. He’d told Javi that he was researching an idea for his book and his classes. The idea being building fantasies around songs like they had many times before and still did. He didn’t want to interrupt so without saying a word he quietly slipped onto the couch next to him.

Kurt acknowledged his presence with a half-smile, then returned his attention to the video. He’d just flipped past Dance for Your Papi by J Lo and brought up Yo Quiero by none other than Mateo itself. After what he’d learned from Dr. Piper, he was somewhat hesitant to watch any Mateo videos at the moment, but he reminded himself of how many times he’d watched this video. Kurt had even used it in one of their fantasies.

“Enjoy Dr. Piper’s assessment,” his mind whispered, “maybe you’re taking another step out of this whatever it is.” And he had to admit that he felt much better about the whole thing, especially now that he at least had something sort of concrete to work with.

Kurt reached across the couch and took his hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. One of the many things he loved about Kurt. He was so affectionate. And at the moment affection was something he needed. Despite the good news, he knew that in all probability this was going to take more work and all any of them wanted was for it to end.

I LOVE YOU

It’s an ordinary day
The day I went for a walk
Among the people without knowing what fate
I was preparing a surprise
was already waiting for me
Shortly after I passed by where they serve coffee
Since I had nothing else to do
Come on, come on, ask yes, yes, for this skinny guy
There was a table and that’s how that beauty attended
I did not imagine anything else to take her away from here
I swear I couldn’t even speak
Of the love that I felt when I saw her
Your kisses
(I want)
your charms
(I want)
Your skin
Oh mamacita give me give me your honey
Oh oh wo oh oh wo oh
One, two, three, four
Oh oh wo oh oh wo oh
(Mateo )
The next day the following happened
woke up early felt different
I didn’t know the reason for that beautiful morning
Until I saw that it dawned with her
I did not imagine anything else
To take her away from here
I swear I couldn’t even speak
Of the love that I felt when I saw her
Your kisses
(I want)
your charms
(I want)
Your skin
Oh mamacita give me give me your honey
Your eyes
(I want)
Your hips
(I want)
Your skin

Returning his attention to the TV, he had to smile. Mateo was in Bogota, Colombia, and they had been at the height of their career. Yo Quiero was one of those songs that always got the fans’ full attention. It wasn’t one of their more romantic songs. It was rocky and almost always brought the crowd to its feet.

Although he’d seen this performance more times than he could count, with his newfound perspective, he tried to watch it with a more critical eye just as Dr. Piper had instructed – take yourself out of the equation.

Tonio had been in a rare mood that night. They were planning to release their new album, Dejarte de Amar, in a matter of days and were going to sing a couple of the songs from it in public for the first time. In the early days he’d been much more hands on with the audience like he was tonight. And his piano playing wasn’t necessary for this song. Not only did it stir the crowd up, it more often than not stirred Tonio up.

As he watched their 30-something selves play with the crowd, skipping from one side of the stage to the other, he took in Tonio’s big smile – something else you didn’t see that often – and his playful attitude with the fans. Javi chuckled to himself. He still remembered the time where he actually got off the stage and lost himself in the crowd of hands as the screaming and singing got louder. Tonio had been the most security conscious of the three of them and then he’d leapt into the crowd as if all of them were his new best friends ready to catch him if he fell! That was so Tonio, one minute worrying about security, the next jumping into a crowd of wild fans……or from an airplane, his inner self whispered.

And they’d practiced over and over the part where Tonio dropped to his knees, sliding across the stage, grasping Javi’s hand tightly. Of course, they hadn’t been oblivious to the symbolism of that move or how it appeared to the fans and the cameras. They’d been playing with the press on that one, too. Never having come out, they were still leaving the paparazzi guessing. And as far as their fans went? They doubted any of them cared one way or the other….or at least not that night.

Just like Dance for Your Papi, Kurt replayed the Mateo video several times, trying to capture nuances for his writing and his class. But with each replay, Javi felt more and more uneasy. He kept trying to take himself out of the equation, tried picturing himself standing behind a curtain watching Tonio and his former self. He tried picturing himself as one of the few what-appeared-to-be disinterested fans. He tried watching only himself, then only Tonio. He even tried pretending he was Rigo, who often appeared to be so engrossed in guitar playing that he was in a bubble on the stage apart from Tonio and Javi.

Most of the time now, he could watch these videos with a musically critical eye, forget it was them on stage and draw some inspiration from the music and the experience. But not now, not today – the hypersensitivity that his recent visit with Dr. Piper had awakened wouldn’t let him.

He felt the anger growing. Even with all of his belief in destiny, watching the uber-talented Tonio and knowing his ultimate fate, made him sad…and sick…and mad. Even knowing that in all probability he wouldn’t be sitting here with Kurt if Tonio was still alive didn’t calm him. He rose from the couch and headed for their bedroom, hoping he hadn’t alarmed Kurt, yet knowing that Kurt was probably more sensitive to his surroundings than he was.

Kurt was fully aware of Javi’s feelings. His hand had grasped his tighter and tighter with each replay. He’d almost suggested that Javi not watch at all, but he knew that in order for him to address his fear and anger, he had to find ways to face it head-on. He knew nothing of his conversation with Dr. Piper yet, but he’d give him a few minutes and then follow him to the bedroom, hoping that the session today had yielded something productive.

The idea had taken root right after he’d had the dream where another entity? what would you call it? had entered the picture. Blaine was an actor after all and so was Javi….and Kurt had been too in a previous life before writing had consumed his time. What harm could it do? To be honest the more he’d thought about going to that storage locker, with or without someone else, the less he liked the idea. He’d come to the conclusion that it should stay right where it was until this thing was resolved.

All they needed was someone to play Tonio and if Jeff was willing he might be the perfect candidate. He had a temper that he was always working on trying to control. And from what he’d gleaned from Javi, Tonio’s temper far exceeded Jeff’s. Or maybe even have someone else play Javi and have Javi play Tonio. Now there was a interesting idea!

Although he knew Kurt and Javi had reluctantly shared the thought that Javi’s repressed anger might be the catalyst, and just as reluctantly shared that Javi was seeing a psychologist to help him deal with it, acting it out might just help rather than harm. The idea of a dream psychologist hadn’t been discarded, but he’d put it on the backburner right next to the idea of visiting that boxful of uncertainty hidden away in a storage locker.

If everyone agreed to try it, should they do it somewhere besides the bedroom where the physical manifestations had begun? Much as he hated the idea of spending even another second of his life in there, he thought it was the only place to do it. They could practice it somewhere else, but ultimately he believed they should attempt what felt like the role of a lifetime in that bedroom. He’d talk about it with Jeff knowing full well he’d probably be the hardest to convince, and then they could take the plan to Kurt and Javi.

Gently rubbing his back, he waited for Javi to say something. He was laying on his stomach with his eyes closed, slowly inhaling, then exhaling. Finally, Kurt ventured, “Do you want to talk about it, carino?” Javi thought about that for a minute or so….did he want to talk about it? At least he had something new to say! Rolling over, he moved to the other side of the bed in order to give Kurt room to lay down.

Once Kurt had gotten comfortable, he took his time explaining his visit with Dr. Piper. He didn’t want to appear too optimistic, but he was. This certainly brought the dreams into perspective and Javi’s reactions of relief and then anger seemed to make some sort of sense. After all, he’d spent time listening to Dr. Piper describe a possible reason for their dilemma and then what’s the first thing he sees when he walks through the door? He and Tonio, as if Tonio wasn’t dead, as if they were still together creating the magic that only Mateo could create for their fans. Kurt decided not to offer his own opinion. It wasn’t needed as far as he was concerned. He agreed with his doctor. Even though Javi had experienced anger at Tonio so soon after the semi-revelation didn’t mean that he hadn’t made a breakthrough. He’d only been home for a couple hours. He needed time to get used to the idea and then figure out how to apply it to the core problem.

Jeff had gladly left the hospital behind. It had been a rough day. Complications in surgery, unplanned, emergency surgeries, not a single second to spare it seemed. He loved his job, but he was whipped.

As he walked through the door, he heard Blaine in the kitchen probably putting the final touches on dinner. It smelled like roasted chicken and he thought he was probably hungry enough to eat the whole thing. Blaine turned around as he heard the thump of Jeff’s backpack landing on the floor. “It’ll be ready in about an hour, love!” he said, noting the exhausted look on Jeff’s face.

Jeff walked around the kitchen island, wrapping his arms around Blaine’s waist as he sprinkled some herbs on a bowl of cornbread dressing, kissing him on the neck. “It is sooooo good to be home,” he murmured, “what a day.”

He opened the refrigerator, removing a bottle of Heinekens asking Blaine if he wanted one. Blaine nodded and told him to take it to the living room….he’d be in in a minute.

“So, I know what my day’s been like….I’d rather hear about yours,” he said to Blaine. Blaine hesitated. He could go into a discussion about practice earlier in the day, but that was pretty much the same thing Jeff always heard. The only other thing he wanted to talk about was his ideas regarding the dream. But Jeff looked so tired….was now the right time? Or was there ever going to be a right time? He decided to test the waters, saying, “Um, I have something I think is important to talk about, but maybe now isn’t the time.” He knew he could count on Jeff to tell him if it wasn’t.

“Anything to take my mind off today, please….anything!” he said, taking a sip of his beer. “Even if it’s boring as hell.” Blaine chuckled, “Well, I don’t think you’ll find it boring, that’s for sure. And we don’t have to decide anything tonight. It’s just an idea.”

Jeff rearranged himself on the couch, believing he’d probably need to get comfortable for this conversation that would require a decision. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” he joked. “No smart-ass, I’m not pregnant,” he laughed, “It’s about the dream.” At first he just blinked. They hadn’t discussed “the dream” in a while….well, if you considered two or three weeks ago a while. It wasn’t his favorite topic, but if Blaine had something new to offer, he at least wanted to consider it.

“Okay, good news? bad news? As long as it doesn’t involve someone needing surgery.” Actually, Blaine would love to excise the dream from their lives and wished it was as simple as surgery.

He explained his thoughts from earlier waiting for some input from Jeff, but Jeff was silent, waiting for him to finish. He didn’t even seem to have much of a reaction when Blaine got to the part about Jeff playing the role of Tonio….or maybe Javi playing that role and Jeff playing the role of Javi.

“Mmmmm,” was all he said. It was an interesting thought. He was no actor, but if they were going to do this…. “This is what I think.” Blaine waited for an argument. After all, this wasn’t making a decision about what they wanted to do over the weekend or something equally mundane.

“I think if we’re going to do this….and I’m not thrilled with the idea, mind you…but then I suppose you aren’t either…anyway, if we’re going to do this, I think Kurt should be Tonio. After all, Javi’s the one who knows Tonio best….and he’s also the one struggling with his anger at him, right? Maybe it would do him good! He’d sort of be yelling at himself and yelling at Tonio all at the same time. I know that sounds strange, but you get what I mean. And I’d be just sort of…..a stand-in for Kurt. Maybe expressing his feelings to “Kurt” and getting out in the open what he thinks or feels Tonio might be saying? Yeah, it sounds far-fetched, but this whole thing has been far-fetched from the beginning.”

Wow! Blaine thought, that wasn’t at all what he’d expected and in its own weird way it made sense. “So, you’re saying you’ll do it?” “Yeah, but first you have to discuss it with Kurt and Javi, don’t you? I’m assuming you haven’t said anything to them yet, right?” “No, not yet….but maybe I’ll get ahold of them after we eat.”

He could still hear Dr. Piper’s words as the four of them sat in the living room preparing themselves for what everyone hoped was a good idea, but sort of like pulling a tooth, you wanted the problem to be gone, but you dreaded what might have to be done to accomplish that. Dr. Piper had nodded, as if in agreement with their idea, but then said something like, “It might resolve your otherworldly issues, but you also have to think about what it might do to your relationships with the other three, and especially Kurt in your case, Javi.” He caught Javi’s gaze and held it, “I know you think you two have an almost unbreachable relationship….and I have to admit from what you’ve told me, it’s as solid as stone, but….” Javi interrupted, “I know what you’re saying, doc, but honest conversation has rarely been a problem for us,” he said almost too confidently, but Dr. Piper let it pass.

And so, with Dr. Piper’s assistance, they’d developed a plan, not only to discuss what they’d do in that room, but also how to discuss their true feelings for each other. And, unfortunately, the not-so-subtle warning had borne fruit.

“Can’t we do this without baring our souls?” Jeff had ventured. He already felt awkward enough with their attempts to practice what they would do or say in that bedroom, and he didn’t even have a speaking part! As for Kurt, he didn’t mind baring his soul, as Jeff had put it, in a conversation with Javi, but with Blaine? He had no desire to open up a potential can of worms involving his rather mixed up feelings for Blaine.

“Okay,” Blaine sighed, feeling they were heading back to square one. What are our other options?” he asked. Kurt looked at his phone where he’d been keeping notes, almost wishing he’d get a call from Ghostbusters, their original idea.

Kurt enumerated other avenues they might pursue, dream psychologist? Someone or someones taking a trip to the storage locker hoping that maybe handling the broken frame and treasured photo might reveal something useful? Javi glanced at Kurt from his seat on the floor, “Wait, when did THAT become a possibility?” All he had to do was look from Kurt’s guilty-appearing face to Blaine’s. “Blaine and I texted about it, but decided it might be one of our….worst ideas ever.” “You can say that again!” Javi sort of huffed. They’d even had conversations about seances, Ouija boards, psychics and even having the apartment cleansed and blessed by a priest, although none of them was Catholic.

But after much debate among the four of them and more than one or two arguments between the couples, they’d decided they were much more afraid of not trying this than they were of expressing their feelings for each other. The words, this isn’t a guy thing, were uttered more than once.

The stalemate had ended after Dr. Piper had asked, “So, would you rather continue to deal with the dreams and whatever else goes with it or would you rather move past your typically male reaction and hangups to honest conversation and possibly resolve it?” Seated on the office couch, Javi finally came to the realization that there was only one good answer to the question.

Texting the other three as he left the office, they arranged to meet in what had become their conference room of sorts, Blaine and Jeff’s living room. All of them agreed that it would be in everyone’s best interest if Kurt and Javi got comfortable spending time there and that it was the best place to practice as well since this was where the “real deal” would take place.

That was the night the walls all came tumbling down. No one wanted to prolong it, and even if nothing came of their attempt at least they could say they tried and hadn’t allowed something as simple as talking to interfere.

But simple it most certainly was not. One by one, with lots of hesitation and stumbling over words, they’d shared their feelings for each other. Jeff went first trying to talk about how he still felt somewhat uneasy around Kurt while throwing in the analogy of the puzzle pieces for good measure. Kurt expressed his reservations about a renewed friendship with Blaine. Of course, he knew Blaine was aware of that, but he wanted him to know that while he hoped they would have a friendship at some point, he wasn’t quite there yet. And they both admitted that they did miss each other’s friendship, but had no intention of getting back together. For Javi’s part, he explained his mistrust of Blaine at first and his idea of keeping his friends close and his enemies closer…but that he no longer thought of Blaine as the enemy. And Blaine had admitted that a year ago he had wanted a renewed romantic relationship with Kurt, but thanks to the help from counselors and Kurt’s example of journaling he’d gotten past that, creating a space in his life for Jeff.

And now, here they were a week later, Blaine holding the key to the bedroom that they all dreaded entering, but knew they had to. Blaine slipped the key into the lock and swung the door open wide as if ripping off a Band-Aid. Nothing had changed as far as he could tell. The walls were still half-painted, the bed still sat in the middle of the room, the window was closed and locked as it should be.

At Javi’s suggestion, they’d decided against just jumping into something they as yet had not found a name for. Making themselves as comfortable as possible, Kurt was their guide through their senses, acclimating themselves to the room, all hoping they could get through this part without incident.

Allowing a few minutes of silence, Kurt asked, “Are we ready?” Like they would ever be ready? Kurt’s mind questioned back. “Um….let’s start by sort of getting in position in relation to the dream.” Blaine said, sounding more matter-of-fact than he felt. “Usually, we’re all sort of standing by the side of the bed with the window on our left.” After they moved the bed back into position, Kurt stood beside it, waiting to play his role as Tonio. “Javi? Jeff?” Blaine orchestrated as they took their places in the roles of Javi as himself and Jeff as Kurt, standing by the dresser. “Kurt is usually behind Javi as if Javi is trying to protect Kurt…and I’m standing in the middle feeling confused, as if I don’t know why I’m there.” Kurt thought about this for a minute, “Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate,” he said.

It was awkward. Terribly awkward! They’d decided against doing something like trying to conjure up Tonio’s ghost. The problem wasn’t really his ghost if that’s what it was, the issue as they saw it was Tonio’s negative energy brought on by what they assumed was Javi’s anger. Whether all of that equaled the manifestation of a ghost, who knew?

“It’s a good thing three of us have some experience with acting,” Javi said with a nervous laugh, “at least we all know how to get into character.” Jeff said matter-of-factly, “So what do I do?” As Kurt stood in front of him, he turned and said, “Just pretend I’m someone who wants to protect you at all costs.” Well, that was easy enough, all he had to do was look at Blaine right there in the room. The confused man in the middle….if Jeff could have protected him from the dreams and whatever it was that existed in this bedroom, he would have.

As planned, they all closed their eyes, attempting to immerse themselves in their roles, again, using all of their senses. They waited for one of them to say something…. Javi hesitantly broke the silence, “Tonio, what do you want? Um…” he stumbled, reluctantly opening his eyes and taking a cleansing breath, then resuming a speech he was totally unprepared for, “I don’t need you in my life anymore….and you made sure I never would again, didn’t you?” Javi wondered where on Earth these words were coming from? He’d imagined what he might say over and over, but….And already he recognized the anger…..the sense of betrayal he’d only recently come to accept.

“Leave us alone! You keep reminding us that everything’s changed….”, his voice trailed off and the room was engulfed in silence. Suddenly, Kurt, as Tonio, roared, “Si! And damn it, it did! Everything! But if you don’t want me here then why won’t you let go? You SAY you don’t need me” …. Javi felt like he was being torn in two.

This is what it had felt like to be Tonio?? “or want me anymore, right?” Kurt continued in that…..voice….in a tone of voice that was unrecognizable coming from Kurt. “And even if you did, it’s impossible! You and your destiny! Destiny, always, always! If you really believed that then you’d know I didn’t have some grand scheme of my own to jump out of a plane and kill myself! I didn’t do it to prove I was invincible! You loved me for being a risk-taker, remember? You said it a million times….and now you hate me because I was a risk-taker???” Kurt couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth, but he couldn’t seem to stop them either.

He stomped on the floor just as Tonio had done in the dream, except the object that had crunched under his tantrum wasn’t there. Still, Javi could imagine the sound of the crunching frame, even over Tonio’s explosive words….a voice he’d heard before in another life, but without so much pain and anguish attached to it! He’d been holding this in for nine years? Even though Kurt was speaking as Tonio, it was impossible that what he was screaming at Javi wasn’t a mix of his own and Tonio’s words…..their feelings somehow meshing.

“Ya know what I think, Javi? I think you envied me! You wanted to be the one who didn’t let a single chance to live life on the edge pass you by! You were always trying to protect me from myself…..I didn’t need your protection, I didn’t ask for it….EVER!” Kurt just stood there trying not to look shocked. Those words struck a little too close to home. So….the overprotective Javi had existed even before Tonio plunged to his death?

And Javi in a low steady voice said, believing he was making an accurate guess, “And you envied me, too, didn’t you Tonio? Didn’t you? You wanted to be the Moon. You wanted to be the one that everybody saw as the calm and rational one. The one who was good at picking up the pieces after Tonio the Tornado left a path of…..of…..of mayhem and destruction as he tore through everyone’s life, right? Admit it, Tonio.” Now his voice sounded cold as ice.

Then his voice rose rather unexpectedly, as he crossed his arms tightly across his chest, “So! It would appear that we were the perfect combination of opposites attracting, no? If you’re right, that is. I can’t imagine ever wanting to be you! Oh, yeah, I wanted you. There was no doubt about that, but to BE you? Why would I want that? Do you know how many times people ran for cover around you? How many times they begged me to do something about this or that that you’d done without a thought for anyone but yourself? No…absolutely not….never! I’d never have wanted to be you!”

“So YOU say, Javi! Who was the one you gave credit to for Mateo’s existence? For making sure the business end was always taken care of? Tell me, Javi! You’ve said it yourself so many times….but you never really believed it, did you? You were mad at me long before I ever died! You were right about one thing though, we could fight it out then….and whether you’ll admit or not, I think you enjoyed the challenge. An outlet for your frustration, your jealousy, maybe?” He taunted.

“Jealousy? Of what? Of who? I thought we were soulmates, Tonio!”

“And so? So what if we were! We weren’t perfect! Yes, jealous! You were the one with the charisma….and the voice…the fans adored you, but in the music world it was me they called the musical genius….the producer….they even called me the Dragon, remember? You wanted all of that and the bad boy image, too!”

And then Kurt, as Tonio, was strangely silent. This was so weird. Sure, Javi had gone over their relationship in great detail (as if he didn’t know everything and more after over a year of loving Javi?), so that he could play his part. But it felt as if he wasn’t playing a part at all, but rather like he’d been there nine years ago. Something told him that everything they’d said to each other was true, like it or not (and if he was Javi….or even Tonio…he knew HE wouldn’t have liked it).

“No…..no, Tonio….” Javi’s voice was almost a whisper and he was shaking his head. “What I wanted…..” he hesitated, “I wanted….” he sighed. “All I really wanted was to help you see yourself through everyone else’s eyes. Of course, you were all of those things, the genius, the Dragon…..and maybe I was wrong in trying to do that….to help…..” he took another breath, “But if we hadn’t been exactly who we were…..no changes…just us….without all of this hidden? misunderstood? baggage, then…..look. I didn’t see this until you were gone….but Mateo wasn’t and would never again be what the fans wanted without you. Yeah, Rigo made a success of what was left, but….”

Kurt watched as Javi’s appearance changed, seeing not the angry man with his arms crossed over his chest as if trying to hold himself together from only a few minutes ago, but a broken man collapsing to the floor.

Jeff, as Kurt, took a step towards him….and Kurt unable to help himself did, too. But Javi stopped them both with a raised hand.

Kurt slid to the floor, brushing away imaginary pieces of the shattered picture frame, addressing Javi, his eyes forcing Javi to look at him, “You see this?” he held up an imaginary piece of the picture frame and glanced down at the nonexistent photo underneath. “Everything has changed!” He emphasized again. “They aren’t together,” he said pointing at Blaine and then thumping his own chest with a finger. “And they aren’t together anymore,” he emphasized pointing at the unseen photo. “Don’t you see? Those two had to let go of the halves that made them a whole. They had to in order to move on….to him!” he said pointing at Jeff, “and to you,” he said, pointing at Javi. It appeared that Kurt, as Tonio, was still in character….yet he was addressing them as who they really were!

“Javi, until you let go of the things that made us halves of a whole, good or bad, I can’t go! And you!….” his voice got quieter. “You can’t stay where you are! Whatever sins we committed for the sake of what we had or thought or did, holding on to them will only make you as dead as I am. I’m dead! I don’t need or want or even deserve your thoughts…..your fears…..not anymore!”

Kurt remained on the floor, thinking about the words he’d just uttered that hadn’t really been his own. Seemingly unaware that the others were just waiting for him to break the booming silence that remained, he pondered the words he’d spoken, “I don’t deserve your thoughts, your fears.” That’s all he could hear.

Had he meant that Tonio didn’t deserve them as he wasn’t worthy of the time….or had he meant he didn’t deserve to be held captive by them? Right now, he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure what he knew anymore as he returned the imaginary piece of glass to the floor.

Javi had loved Tonio with a passion he could never describe and he knew Tonio had loved him just as passionately, but had they really fed off of each other like that, like two parasites? Loving their hate? Hating their love?

Every ounce of anger appeared to have evaporated, like a dark cloud falling victim to the healing rays of the sun. At Dr. Piper’s suggestion, every word of their emotionally charged playacting had been recorded and Javi, coming back to himself, was glad….and relieved. Was it over? With time taken to digest it all, he fervently hoped so.

He finally noticed Kurt kneeling in front of him. Jeff and Blaine had said nothing, as if they were only props in the reenactment of the dream that had plagued them for months. Even as aware as he’d been to his own pain, he hadn’t missed the fact that Tonio…..or whoever….had addressed the issue of the broken picture frame…..of his protectiveness…..of Tonio’s feeling smothered by it. And Blaine and Jeff ? He guessed they were there just to demonstrate the fact that things had most assuredly changed for him…for Kurt…for everyone.

Just as much as the others had wanted to leave this room behind after that distressing, yet revealing, half hour, Blaine had wanted to stay for a few minutes.

That song had been playing in his head almost from the moment they’d taken their places in the room. Fantasy? Reality? Dream? After what he’d just witnessed he was sure of nothing. But that song, kept going round and round in his head. He’d made several attempts to push it aside, trying to concentrate on the drama unfolding before his eyes. Was this the end of it then? God, how he hoped so!

The Pretenders had made that song a hit, but the voice he heard was Finn’s. The thoughts in his head were about Finn. They’d played that song at his funeral because that was Finn. Loyal, empathetic, straight forward and to the point. You never had to wonder where you stood with Finn. He was always there…..just like in the dream. That other presence was just there…..like a sentinel refusing to leave his post.

“I’ll be fine,” Blaine reiterated. Of course he understood why the others didn’t agree with his request to stay behind for a while, in this room that had caused them so much grief….but now? Maybe it had brought about some healing as well.

Unfinished business. That’s what it felt like….like, for whatever reason, there was still something that needed to be dealt with. When the door was closed behind them at last, he surveyed the room, taking a seat on the bed and grasping one of the pillows to his chest.

Did it really matter if it was or wasn’t Finn? In the grand scheme of things he supposed it didn’t, but what he’d witnessed today only brought the lyrics of that song into sharper focus.

This, he realized, was real love. People trying and sometimes failing to love perfectly. Wanting to protect too much or not enough. Wishing people would change and wishing they wouldn’t. Hardly ever seeing yourself for who you were, but positive you knew the other inside and out. The struggle, the intertwining of love and hate….but hanging on anyway. Maybe hanging on too long. Having to let go, to fight, to work at something that everyone thought shouldn’t require work.

Tonio and Javi? They’d been a volatile pair in and outside of their relationship. That volatility had burst into flames on stage, creating the Mateo magic that everyone talked about, and had left too many questions without answers, too many broken hearts and lives when Tonio was abruptly ripped from their world.

Blaine hoped he wasn’t imagining the slightly unstable sense of peace he now felt here. Just an ordinary room that needed painting. He flopped back onto the bed and took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

And just like in the song, they were all standing at a crossroads now. Blaine had a life to live outside this room. He’d walk through that door and do what? He didn’t know for sure, but that was life, wasn’t it? And in his mind he could sense that benevolent presence turning in the opposite direction, away from the dark side. That painful, but inevitable, side of life, lived right alongside those who would do their best to protect you, to come along when you took the uncertain steps into the future, to stand by you whether you knew it or not, whether you wanted them to or not; those who would love you when all you might deserve was their disdain, there to provide real love.

I’LL STAND BY YOU

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through

‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you lessI’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry tooWell I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrongI’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your ownI’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrong

Kurt was still trying to get used to the idea that Javi’s anger at Tonio might have something to do with the dream. Was Tonio perhaps trying to get Javi’s attention? Well, duh! he thought, that was a given, wasn’t it? Was he making an attempt to help Javi see that his anger was affecting his relationship with Kurt? Just because he’d tried to hide it from everyone, including Kurt, didn’t mean it wasn’t there. And maybe he was trying to help Javi address his overprotectiveness, too. After all, both issues were connected to their past relationship and both were also connected to Tonio’s death – the anger at Tonio’s recklessness with his own life and the overprotectiveness it had created in Javi, always afraid that somehow he’d lose Kurt as well. But, why was Kurt having the dream? Didn’t it make more sense to invade Javi’s sleep?

Dreams don’t always make sense, his brain cautioned him once again, as if those words were imprinted on a continuous loop recording that, quite frankly, Kurt had grown tired of hearing. And he believed there were a couple of reasons why he was the recipient of the dubious honor of conduit.

First, it was sort of obvious that Kurt was more sensitive to the hidden world than Javi was. And second, if Javi was having the dream instead of Kurt, it might provoke more anger, more insecurity. Tonio would be confronting him in the way he always had when he was displeased. Javi’s longstanding anger at Tonio had only arisen after his death. When he was alive they could battle it out; there was an outlet for the anger. Now, Javi was stuck with it all alone, with nothing and no one to direct it at except himself.

Could it really be that simple? Well, not exactly simple. Maybe it was part of the answer as to a few of the whys, and at least an idea, a place to start.

And certainly everything had changed, those words Tonio’s repeated mantra, especially when Javi had met Kurt, and not long after they’d met, the dreams had started. Maybe Tonio was saying something like, “Don’t keep me here with your anger! It’s only hurting you and your future.” And he was stomping on something that was perhaps a representation of Kurt’s past to make his point? Everything changes. Yes, the Glee Club still existed, but each of them were now living their own lives apart from each other. The main difference, of course, was that Tonio was dead and unreachable, and even though the Glee Club as a unit was gone, all of them were very much alive and for the most part still in contact with each other, except for Finn, of course.

Blaine took another sip of coffee, his mind taking him back to Lima. He and Kurt had been friends first and always until that final breakup. He still remembered the day when they’d decided to try again. It had always been at the back of his mind, a hope, he guessed. And all it took was agreeing to jokingly let Kurt play the role of Meg Ryan like in the movie, Sleepless in Seattle, and a kiss. The kiss had been the best part.

And he sensed, or perhaps just another hope?, that he and Kurt were getting closer to being true friends again. After their casual reminiscing not long ago, when they’d talked about the dreams, had drifted into their past together, it had felt so comfortable. He realized that the friendship they’d had back then could never be replicated. To even think that was beyond unrealistic. He was enjoying the way things were progressing actually. Occasional lunches, with and without their current partners. Almost always talking about the dream, but still. They were easing into something. And he liked Javi, sometimes having lunch with him alone, even after Kurt had moved with him to LA for the play’s duration. But, he kept his expectations low, not wanting to hurt or be hurt again.

Kurt’s gaze shifted to Javi’s startled face. He hadn’t expected the supposed revelation about Tonio’s actions in the dream to slap him across the face like that. Javi was still in shock as Kurt had been mulling over all the reasons why he might be right. “Javi, look at me,” Kurt said, waiting for his lover’s mind to shift gears. He knew what Javi was thinking. He was taking responsibility for the dreams that had plagued both he and Blaine for so long.

“Please, just look at me,” finally, Javi seemed to emerge from the fog of possible disclosure to find Kurt’s intense gaze upon him. “This is not your fault, ya know. You can’t blame yourself for something like this…someone else’s dreams, even if you believe that you’re the catalyst. If you’re right I’d say that makes this whole thing a lot more manageable. I mean, you’re seeking help. You’ve decided that you need to rid yourself of your anger and you’re determined to do it. Maybe that’ll be enough.”

But shaking his head, Javi surprised Kurt with, “No, Kurtito, I’m not blaming myself. I’m wondering if this is something we’ll have to deal with, to look forward to forever. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life…our lives…with Tonio in our midst. I don’t want years of watching you wake up scared or crying because yet another dream has materialized with Tonio in the middle, trying to teach me, us, anyone! life lessons from beyond the grave.”

“So, say I get a real handle on the anger and find a way to deal with it, to move past it, what’s next? I don’t want my past dictating our future. Is he going to pop up every time we have a problem? Remember, you’ve had other dreams involving Tonio at the beginning of our relationship. And we know that repetitive dreams almost always mean something in your case,” secretly thinking that he was glad it wasn’t him.

“Okay, I see your point….but what can we do about it? We can’t actually pay Tonio a visit requesting that he leave us alone,” Kurt sort of smiled at what seemed like a ridiculous suggestion.

“Well….I don’t know? Can we? It seems we’ve googled everything else about this dream. We’ve even considered calling “Ghostbusters” as Adam said,” putting Ghostbusters in air quotes. “And I know he was only half kidding. But, if I’m right, what we really need is someone or something to guide us. I mean, if we can’t find something on the net, then we can always fall back on Blaine’s idea of consulting a dream psychologist. And it’s not that I’m against that idea, even though I don’t know exactly what they do. But, I think I’m right, Kurt, about my reasoning behind the dreams.”

Javi attempted to stifle a yawn. Even in the midst of having a serious and upsetting conversation, Javi was exhausted and Kurt was tired, too. “Come on, let’s get some shut-eye, shall we? I think we’ve talked enough for one night. And maybe we’ve even made some sort of breakthrough. I can always text Blaine later. He’ll want to know…and he should know. After all, like it or not, we’re all in this together.”

Javi nodded, taking hold of Kurt’s warm hand, “Yeah, I think I could fall asleep standing up. And besides, I have tomorrow off and I don’t want all of this spoiling our alone time.” A rarity, two whole days without distractions lay before them. No lacing up his heeled boots, no spending hours in makeup, no singing, no dancing….just 48 hours of free time.

He almost reached for Javi’s shoulder to awaken him and then decided against it. The man was exhausted and this could wait until tomorrow, maybe after he’d reached out to Blaine. It wasn’t like anything was likely to change within the next 10 to 12 hours or so. He laid back down, moving closer to Javi’s warmth, but careful not to awaken him.

As Kurt lay beside a sleeping Javi, much as he wanted to, he couldn’t shut his thoughts down. If Javi was right, it was a good thing, wasn’t it? At least they had a base from which to work. After all, Kurt wasn’t the first person in the world to be troubled by repetitive dreams, so there had to be help out there somewhere. But Javi was right about not wanting his past lover dictating their future, always lurking in his head waiting for the next problem to present itself. The last thing they needed was Tonio acting as yet another counselor in their lives! And there was still something that bothered him. If Tonio was just a dream manifestation why the strange activity in the bedroom at Blaine’s? Why his unexpected and disturbing response to that studio in Mexico?

God! He hoped that he wouldn’t have the dream again tonight. Sometimes it worked and sometimes not, but he’d developed a sort of mind exercise, mentally placing himself in that bedroom. A knock at the door. He got up to answer it and found Tonio on the other side in the hallway. Tonio handed him a box, obviously a gift, as it was decorated with shiny silver foil paper and topped with a blue bow. But, Kurt wouldn’t take the box, telling Tonio that he didn’t need it. Tonio nodded his understanding (Kurt wouldn’t allow any temper tantrums in this exercise) and walked away, disappearing about 10 steps away. Opening his eyes and sighing, for a moment he watched Javi’s body rise and fall with each breath, then whispered, “I love you, mi Javito,” drawing the blankets up a little higher.

After receiving the initial text, they’d decided to switch to FaceTime. This was too important to trust to mere words on a phone. After explaining the discussion he and Javi had had the night before, he asked Blaine what he thought. “Well, it certainly seems plausible, I guess. But what do we do about it?”

The word we did not escape Kurt’s attention. Another issue with Tonio dictating their future. Why had Blaine been drawn into all of this? Yes, Blaine was certainly part of the everything that had changed and perhaps the destroyed picture frame was a symbol of that for both of them….that maybe they had to toss out the idea of what their friendship had once been and build on the here and now….but he was still stuck on why the strange activity in the bedroom? In Mexico?

“Kurt, let’s just take this a step at a time. We haven’t been in that room since we took that stuff to your storage locker. And we haven’t had any weird stuff going on either, so let’s stick with what we might actually have a chance at working out.”

Javi could hear the muffled voices beyond the closed bedroom door, assuming that Kurt was talking to Blaine. He actually felt a little lighter, a little happier now that he’d gotten used to the idea of a possible solution to the dream. There were still a lot of aspects that didn’t seem to fit, but strange dreams and stranger psychic activity wasn’t the stuff of logic. And he didn’t want to spend this whole day mulling it over.

He and Kurt had better things to do, so he waited patiently in bed, his arms behind his head. Right now his idea of doing something better had nothing to do with getting out of bed. His mind flipped like fingers through a scrapbook revealing the many fantasies they’d played out over the year and a handful of months they’d known each other. Kurt still called him Xander once in a while, one of his favorite alter egos. Moves Like Jagger was another favorite for both of them. And the months they’d spent creating settings where they could make love without actually being hands-on or mouth-on (he smiled, how else could he describe it?). All the time they’d spent creating and tasting what they hoped would be the perfect cake, waiting until the time was right to apply the frosting. All he wanted to do right now was to wrap his body, heart and mind around Kurt, savoring him and all that he meant to Javi.

“Well, that’s done,” Kurt said as he walked through the bedroom door. “Put your phone in the kitchen and while you’re at it take mine, too, and turn them off.” Javi instructed. “And good morning to you, too,” Kurt laughed giving him a questioning look, but then his eyes lit up when he understood Javi’s intentions. “Okay,” he said, taking Javi’s phone from him, “I’ll be back in a sec.” “Make that half a sec,” Javi said, his words and tone of voice telling Kurt how eager he was.

When Kurt returned, he laid back down facing Javi, slipping back under the cozy covers and ruffling Javi’s pink hair. Javi gave him that do you want to talk about it look and Kurt said, “No, not now. That can wait; this can’t,” he murmured, drawing Javi close, taking in his scent that always seemed to remind him of his tawny-colored skin, sort of warm and toasty, with a hint of something cinnamony.

“I was just thinking about all of the fantasies we’ve created,” Javi said quietly against Kurt’s chest, planting tiny kisses here and there, “I know you say you don’t want to include them in your book, but maybe after this book is done, you could write another book as sort of a 50 Ways to Love Your Lover sort of thing and be specific.” “Maybeeeee,” Kurt playfully drew the word out, drawing Javi’s face to eye level and tracing a finger over his supple lips. “Do you know how much I love your lips?” Kurt’s warm breath just close enough to be felt on them. “I think so, but why don’t you show me in case I’ve forgotten something.” A low laugh escaped Kurt’s own lips as he drew his exploring finger down around Javi’s chin, barely grazing his lips.

Javi didn’t respond at first. He just let Kurt inch closer and closer, applying a little more pressure with the brush of his lips on Javi’s, feeling his cock getting stiff. Finally, when Kurt’s lips lingered, he slipped his tongue between them, sealing their lips and then drawing Kurt’s moist tongue into his mouth, slowly sucking it, eliciting a soft moan from Kurt.

Kurt drew their naked bodies together, loving the feel of skin on skin, both of them hard. Either of them could have reached down and grasped the other’s prick in a single hand, but like the kiss, they let the moments pass, their lips bonded, their tongues exploring. No need to rush.

Taking a deep breath, hesitant to part their lips, Javi said slightly out of breath, “Are you in the mood for a bit of role playing, mi amor?” “I’m in the mood for whatever you have in mind,” Kurt sighed, “just as long as it involves getting back to where we were a minute ago….oh, and a proper fuck, of course.” Kurt rarely used the f-word or any four-letter words for that matter, so when he did, that alone was a turn on.

“Okay,” Javi said, his forehead resting against Kurt’s as he looked into his sparkling eyes accompanied by a wicked grin. “Let’s play entertainer and fan?” “Who gets to be which?” Kurt queried. “Well, we have all day…maybe we could do it twice and change roles.” “Ohhhhhh, I like that idea….a lot,” Kurt purred.

Surprisingly, this was a fantasy they’d yet to attempt. One would think with Javi being an entertainer that they’d have tried it ages ago. Maybe it was because Javi spent so much time these days being an entertainer, an actor, in real life, but what did it matter? He loved the spontaneity….completely unplanned unlike most of their fantasy play.

“How about this,” Javi said, “I’ll be the entertainer first to sort of test the waters and since you’re already my adoring fan this should be easy for you.” Kurt smirked and said, “Yeah, right. Let me worship at your feet, mi Javito, sigh,” he replied fanning his face, mimicking a sigh. “Oh, and may I have your autograph before we get started so I won’t have to interrupt?” He giggled, batting his eyelashes. Javi pinched his cheek and continued as if Kurt had said nothing, raising an eyebrow, but trying hard to control his laughter.

“Let’s see….I need a prop, a mic stand sort of thing, like what I use onstage sometimes.” Kurt didn’t have to wonder where Javi was going with this. He had a way of using a mic stand as if it was his own very personal sex toy. Caressing the air around it, sooooo suggestive….He always insisted that that had not been the intent when he first started using one in their shows, but Kurt found that almost impossible to believe. He may not have always been aware of his own sensuality, but surely someone (probably more than one someone) had brought it to his attention, especially after he started performing with Mateo, leaving the church choirs in Quintana Roo behind. He still marveled occasionally at the way Javi had gone from a rather average-looking guy when Mateo signed their first recording contract to the Javi oozing sex appeal and photogeneity that had been captured on so many live performance videos.

But then, people had said the same thing about him. He’d been a small-for-his-age freckle-faced kid afflicted with a late puberty, but then, as some people said, turning into some sort of Adonis. And people were forever commenting on his unusual eyes, captivating was a word he heard a lot. He’d always denied it, certain they were seeing something that just wasn’t there; however, over the past year he’d come to see himself in a completely different light as his confidence had grown. But, he pushed those random thoughts away, wanting to get back on track and return to the sexy scenario Javi was trying to create.

Kurt glanced around the bedroom trying to turn everyday objects into something that resembled a mic stand. Not finding anything acceptable, he entered the walk-in closet where everything was neatly stacked or hung. He despised a messy closet, just like he despised a messy anything. Well, the clothing rod wouldn’t work. It was screwed tightly to the walls. He turned in a circle, imagining everything as a mic stand…and then his eyes landed on the chin-up bar he’d been meaning to install for months. Perfect! Well, for a makeshift mic stand anyway. He rarely procrastinated, but this time it had paid off. Let them joke about his OCD. It certainly beat MUD (messy unorganized disorder).

He grabbed the chin-up bar and walked over to Javi who was digging through dresser drawers and said, “Will this work?” Javi turned to look at what Kurt held in his hand and laughed, “I love it! Sex and sexercise!” Kurt laughed and gave him a friendly shove.

Javi shoved him back and then took up the task of turning the room into a simulated stage with Kurt as his audience. Dimming both bedside lamps and lighting a couple of their favorite lavender-scented candles, Javi put on a pair of bikini underwear he’d scavenged from the dresser drawer and tossed a pair to Kurt. “Put those on and take a seat on the floor.” Kurt wanted to say something about the bed being more comfortable, but held his tongue. Obviously, Javi was trying to create a somewhat plausible fantasy scene and he’d learned long ago that interrupting him during this process almost always ruined the fun.

Javi positioned himself right in Kurt’s line of vision making sure that the large horizontal mirror on the dresser would reflect his backside. Attempting to get into character, Javi looked behind him as if he was checking with his band members to see if they were ready, pretending to take a sip of water from an imaginary bottle.

“Now, imagine me in one of your favorite performance videos and describe what I’m wearing.” Wow! This was a tall order! Kurt reviewed the dozens of videos he’d watched, finally landing on Javi’s performance in Toluca not long after he’d gone solo. After a long pause, Kurt said, “Toluca…and you’re singing Besame (Kiss Me).”

Javi chuckled inwardly. It had been a rarity – a tough crowd or at least certain groups were being obstinate, seemingly oblivious to Javi’s charms, what his manager called the Javi Effect. But that seemed to have only fueled his performance taking him in a direction he didn’t often travel. Kurt didn’t need to describe his attire. He could remember it right down to the last zipper.

He’d flipped the super-sexy switch, playing mostly to the group right in front of him and appearing to ignore the others. Oh, yeah! One of his favorites, too. At the time he’d been so pissed off he never imagined he’d one day grow to love it. He remembered the day when his videographer called and told him he needed to watch the full concert series on Youtube. Why, he wondered. He’d just as soon forget that whole performance. It had been a nightmare. A group on either side of the stage taking great pleasure in frustrating him with their lack of interest. Yet even as mad as he was, he enjoyed a challenge.

And he trusted her, the woman behind the camera for every show, enough to take her advice and went in search of the recent Toluca concert, finding it easily on her channel. It wasn’t that he was unaware of his own sexuality and his ability to turn it on or off at will. He’d been performing for years. He knew his strengths and weaknesses and one of his strengths was his ability to turn a crowd’s inattentiveness and rudeness to his own advantage, at least most of the time. And it had all translated into one hell of a performance. Since then, he’d watched that Youtube video many, many times, drawing inspiration and strength from it, reminding himself of his own capabilities.

As he thought about it he was wondering how he could replicate that in his bikinis and pink hair. Could Kurt get past that and visualize him as he was in the video? If anyone could, it was Kurt. After all, they’d been constructing imaginative fantasies, some very complex, for over a year now. Who cared if it was well-planned or impromptu?

He looked around the room searching for a suitable hat. In Toluca, his hat had played an important role. He saw a couple on the dresser and grabbed the less flashy of the two, black with some glitter, but not much. He was glad now that he was wearing black underwear as well. Any other color would probably distract from the hat. With a glance in Kurt’s direction, he lifted an eyebrow and put the hat on, then took it off, as if saying hat or no hat? Kurt nodded when he put it back on. With the hat it would be. He could even tuck his pink hair under it so it couldn’t be seen.

He sidled back over to his position in front of the mirror, arranging himself again, waiting for Kurt’s nod to tell him when he’d gotten it right.

Pulling on his hat, drawing it down over his brow, he began the opening verse of Besame (Kiss Me), singing it slowly, moving his eyes across the imaginary crowd, top to bottom, side to side, then settling on the fans in front of the stage, at first ignoring Kurt’s adoring expression and outreached hand, begging for a single touch from his idol.

He held the pretend mic in both hands as if taking hold of the less-than-desirable situation with a will determined to show them all that they weren’t allowed to treat him as if he was some new, but hopeful, lounge singer, turning his head to one side facing his taunters and fluttering his fingers as if to say, “Bring it on!” The dancing fingers were one of his trademark moves…trademark because it worked! He’d been told his fans often called that his “come hither” move, inviting you closer for something hot…..much tastier than a cup of coffee.

He barely touched the mic stand itself, instead sliding his what almost appeared to be trembling fingers up and down the stand, seemingly offering something much more than just kissing as the song implied, moving through the sensual song with ease.

Ah! There he was, Javi thought as his eyes lit on the guy he’d noticed earlier. Javi didn’t know a single thing about him, not even his name. Although it had happened occasionally over his career, seeing a single male in the front rows was out of the ordinary. Most of the time they were surrounded by lots of screaming, clapping girls, pleading for Javi’s attention just like this kid. And he was very cute and seemed totally disinterested in his screaming, clapping friends, his eyes glued to Javi onstage. Feeling playful and possibly hopeful he blew the kid a kiss from the stage causing a shocked smile to spread across his face. Oh, yes! Muy lindo! (very cute).

Javi again scampered away and then returned to his admiring fans in front of the stage, allowing his distain for those who seemed unimpressed to reveal itself by shoving the mic stand to the floor in the direction of those less-than-adoring fans as if to say, “I don’t need or even want people like you as fans!”

Slowly sliding to the floor, fingers fluttering…..Oh my god! Kurt thought, those barely there dimples flashing in and out of view….he stood and turned his gaze to Kurt for a split second as if to say, “Don’t worry, I’ll get back to you,” and then marched from one side of the stage to the other, again confronting his taunters and eventually settling in the center of the stage again, closing his eyes, thoroughly satisfied with his performance, taking himself into his own world for a few seconds where screaming and applause could never reach. That place where passion met God-given talent, entwining as always to create an unbreakable bond….the bond that allowed him to overcome any insecurity he might have in response to the few who might bring him down…if he allowed them to.

I recommend slowing down playback speed from Normal to 0.75 and possibly watching in full screen on YT.

As the stage went dark he welcomed the intermission, knowing exactly where his cute conquest was. He’d never lowered his outstretched hand during the entire song, hoping for just a single touch from those dancing fingers. Taking the few steps toward the edge of the stage, he knelt again and found Kurt’s hand, grasping it tightly, saying, “Ven conmigo,” (come with me) pulling Kurt up onto the poorly lit stage.

Kurt had no idea what he’d said, but he did know conmigo meant with me. As he glanced back at where his group of friends were he discovered they’d all gone to the bar for more drinks. Apparently, they didn’t even know he wasn’t there or what was happening to him. Wait, what WAS happening to him?

“What’s your name?” Javi murmured, his breathing slightly ragged, as he pushed Kurt firmly against the wall of some anonymous room, kicking the door shut behind him. No time for foreplay! “Kurt,” he managed to squeak. “Okay, Kurt, we have about 20 minutes,” leaning in closer, barely caressing Kurt’s lips and jawline with his breath, “either you want it or you don’t…..but I think you do…..don’t you?,” Javi whispered in heavily accented English. “You do…..” he breathed against Kurt’s ear….and Javi hadn’t loosened his hold, waiting for Kurt’s answer.

All Kurt could do was nod, unable to find his voice, his eyes meeting Javi’s, refusing to look away. How had he known? That Kurt was gay? And why did he care? Of course he wanted it! He was aroused and frightened all at the same time. He wasn’t all that experienced and this was his idol!

Javi took that as a yes and kissed him firmly, pressing his body against Kurt’s, releasing a deep low laugh. Kurt may not be very experienced, but he had no trouble following his instincts. Taking Javi’s face into his hands, he drew him closer, if that was possible, rolling his hips against Javi’s. Then, slipping his hands to Javi’s waist, he pulled him flat against his body. Yes! his body whispered….he could feel their erections through their clothing.

And speaking of clothing, Javi had already managed to unzip Kurt’s pants, then unzipped his own, as they slid to the floor. Javi quickly, and a bit roughly, pushed Kurt’s jeans down, taking his underwear with them, again, doing the same to his own, assuming the 69 position in a matter of seconds. No time to remove his leather jacket.

Reaching for Kurt’s hand, he placed it over his swollen cock, then grasped Kurt’s hardness into his hand and his mouth at the same time. He heard Kurt’s groan, withholding his own, as the wet warmth of Kurt’s mouth and tongue consumed him. Kurt had no time to think about what he considered his lack of experience now. The 20 minutes had probably become 15 or even 10 by now!

Instinctively, he followed Javi’s lead, holding his cock at the base, licking from bottom to top, then creating a tiny vacuum, tightening his lips, savoring the taste and feel of his rigid prick in his mouth. It was a little awkward doing this on the floor, half-clothed, but not enough to dissipate the sense of urgency or their desire. As Javi tightened his lips around Kurt’s hardness, he made a final plunge, taking him into his mouth as far as he could, his tongue flat. “Yes….ohmygod…..yes!” Kurt gasped in garbled speech, as Javi gently squeezed his cock, drawing his fingers upward and swallowing Kurt’s cum.

Kurt hesitated for only a moment before clumsily getting up on his knees, straddling Javi and taking him into one hand, using it to glide up and down, this time making no attempt to avoid the head.

He quickly glanced up to look at Javi’s face…..”Don’t stop……don’t stop…” he mumbled. But then Javi reached down, placing a hand over Kurt’s, halting his up and down movements, and begged in a hoarse voice, “just the head.”

Slowly circling the rim over and over, lightly sucking the head like a lollipop, he felt Javi press his hands against the floor and then the warm, wet liquid of Javi’s cum in his mouth. He’d never actually swallowed it before…..but this was no time to be squeamish….first time for everything, he thought, and swallowed….and choked just a little, hoping Javi hadn’t noticed.

Javi opened his eyes, then reached to pull his skin-tight leather pants back up over his body, touched Kurt’s cheek and smiled. “Meet me here after the show.” Not a request, Kurt noted, a command. Quickly rearranging his somewhat disheveled clothing, he glanced in the wall mirror, put the hat back on, appeared satisfied with what he saw and was gone.

Kurt was sprawled on the floor, his underwear down around his ankles. “So that’s where you’re leaving me? On the floor, half-naked, so you can get back to work?” Kurt sort of chuckled. Rising from his place at the foot of the bed, kicking his bikinis aside, he crept up to lay down beside Kurt, placing his hat over Kurt’s satisfied cock, smiling into his kaleidoscope eyes.

“Well, fortunately for you, it’s not reality. If it was you’d be laying there wondering how many others there might have been before you or pondering what I might have thought about your performance or wondering what your friends were thinking about your absence. And why I wanted you to meet me after the show and then wondering how you were going to get back to the show because you’re now trapped behind the stage.”

“Okay, I get it…but why do I have to be inexperienced?” “Kurt, it’s a fantasy. We can always pick up where we left off, with you still meeting me after the show or creating something where you’re the entertainer and I’m your more than willing participant in a game of backstage quickie.”

Kurt kicked his underwear off of one foot, propping his head up on an elbow so he could look into Javi’s smiling face, his eyes saying I love you. Kurt ran his fingers over his features, messing up his already messed up pink hair again. He used one finger to close his eyelids, then traversed his cheek, his nose, his chin, his neck, his ears and finally his lips. “So, Mr. Entertainer, just how many backstage quickies have you had in your illustrious career?”

Javi sighed and turned his smile into a smirk, “Far too many to count…has to be close to a hundred or more by now. But, you’re the best.” Kurt laughed out loud, “I’ll bet you said that to every one of them, didn’t you?” Javi’s voice became playfully stern as he said, “you know I NEVER kiss and tell, mi amor.” “Maybe that’s because the tale is so boring it’s not worth telling.”

Kurt giggled as Javi reached over for another kiss, opening his eyes and joining Kurt in his laughter, “You are such a brat!” he declared, ending with their lips meeting, Kurt already plotting how this fantasy would play out in his own version of backstage quicky. He could already see the words scribbled in his notebook recording another step in what seemed to be a never-ending journey of imagination, creativity and most important of all, love.

Okay, Javi thought as he walked through the office building door, time to put on your glittery big boy pants and deal with this. Perusing the list of doctors and their suite numbers, he found Dr. Piper’s office was on the third floor as expected. Stepping into the open elevator, he pressed the button that would take him up, hoping it was some sort of analogy, as in he had nowhere to go but up with regard to his current situation.

Though it had waxed and waned over the years, his solitary response to the anger that had brought him here hadn’t solved the problem. He’d been to countless multi-credentialed counselors over the years, but he’d already been told what he really needed was a psychologist, and even better, one who specialized in anger issues. He was no longer looking for someone to teach him how to manage his anger. He’d been managing it ever since Tonio died, but obviously not very well.

He hadn’t told Kurt he was seeking a psychologist’s assistance. He couldn’t! He wasn’t ready yet! He knew deep down inside that that was only a justification. He also hadn’t told him that he was fearful that his anger might be a catalyst for the dreams. How could he when he was already keeping him in the dark about the problem to begin with? In his mind, Kurt was dealing with enough as the dream continued to manifest itself; why add to his anxiety? Eventually he would tell him, of course, he would. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

“Welcome, Mr. Ramos,” Dr. Piper smiled, shaking Javi’s outstretched hand. “Hola, Dr. Piper,” Javi greeted him warmly, saying, “Please, call me Javi.” Dr. Piper nodded, asking Javi to take a seat. This office wasn’t anything like he’d expected. There was no desk separating doctor from patient. There was what appeared to be a comfortable couch and two equally appealing chairs. He quietly took a seat in one of the chairs, not sure if he was at ease yet with the more casual and intimate setting of sitting face to face on the couch.

Dr. Piper was well-known to the LGBTQ community. He was gay and made no secret of the fact. And although he knew who Javi was, he’d decided to let Javi address that. It might be part of his problem with anger, so remaining neutral, at this stage anyway, was what he considered a good idea.

After discussing the reasons why Javi had sought him out, taking his mental health history, and simply getting to know each other, Dr. Piper determined that twice a week appointments, at least for now, would be a good place to start, “Unless you want less or more,” he said, glancing at Javi while writing something on his chart. “No, I think that’s perfect. The sooner I can get rid of this, the better.” Dr. Piper hesitated before he spoke, “But remember you may never be completely rid of it. Of course, that’s our goal, but you may only be able to learn how to deal with the triggers more constructively and cope with it better than you have been. I can reinforce some of the techniques you already know and definitely introduce you to some others, but as you know already, the heavy work will be yours.” Javi nodded in agreement. “But this time I’m not stopping until I feel completely at peace with it,” he replied firmly, reminding himself of his mostly halfway efforts over the years.

In the past, his constant traveling schedule simply hadn’t been conducive to consistent therapy. But now? The play was staying in Los Angeles for the time being, and although that had been a disappointment to Kurt, he’d taken it well. In truth, if this issue hadn’t presented itself, Javi probably would have left the play, returned to San Diego and started building on his musical career again. But this dream thing wasn’t going to go away and if his anger was even a contributor as opposed to a catalyst, he wanted it resolved. He knew that it was interfering with both Kurt and Blaine’s daily lives, no matter that the picture frame and the photo it contained was no longer physically in a place that might cause the four of them even more trouble.

Leaving Dr. Piper’s office, he felt more at ease with himself. In fact he was actually looking forward to the future appointment he’d scheduled. At least he was on the road….to what he wasn’t sure, but he was determined to reach the end of this journey, claiming the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Blaine placed the hefty book about dream interpretation on the coffee table and turned his phone off. There was no place to find a specific answer to, what does it mean when you’re dreaming about your ex-boyfriend’s new partner’s deceased lover? No wonder he couldn’t find anything! He could barely say it in one mouthful. And he wasn’t sure how to break it down into something more manageable that might help. So instead of focusing on himself and his dream, he tried finding some answers by addressing Kurt’s corresponding dream.

They both took place in the same or similar bedrooms with the same decor. The photo of the Glee Club seemed to be the focus along with Tonio yelling, “Everything’s changed!” And that could have a double meaning because that was the name of the song that started Javi, Tonio and Rigo and their group, Mateo, on the path to stardom. Closing his eyes, he mentally walked around the room, listening, finding nothing new or of interest. Yet, as he took step by cautious step, he felt the cloak of apprehension settle on his shoulders…like the room was…..breathing? And the only sound seemed to be Tonio’s voice roaring, Everything’s changed! Clearing his mind, he tried again, this time focusing on what he saw. There had to be something….a clue. He sighed, Okay, let’s try this again, his brain repeated, forcing himself to ignore the sense of foreboding.

Kurt was sitting poolside, but not in San Diego. He was still trying to get used to the fact that they’d be staying in LA. So, trying to make the best of it, he’d decided to take advantage of the amenities that the condo community offered, attempting to make it feel more like home or at least more inviting. He’d opened his laptop and a notebook beside it, but concentration was nearly impossible. He should be fine-tuning his lesson plans for this week’s classes, but after talking to Blaine at lunch, he couldn’t get his mind off of that damn dream! Great! Another “person” added to the mix! And an unknown one at that!

He knew applying logic to a dream wasn’t logical at all, an oxymoron if there ever was one. Dreams were rarely straightforward even if they seemed to have some sort of message, but the only words spoken in their dreams were “Everything’s changed!” Well, obviously it had! Blaine was no longer with Kurt. Kurt was with Javi. Antonio was dead. Mateo existed in another form. And on and on. But there was nothing to interpret there as far as he could tell. And what did a photo in a shattered picture frame mean? Yes, the Glee Club had definitely changed. The members were scattered hither and yon. What he really wanted to do was look at the broken mess more closely, but that would require him going to their storage locker. They’d been in such a hurry to rid themselves of it that day and they certainly hadn’t wanted to take the time to examine it very closely.

But….Javi would never go for that, he was certain…yet the more he thought about it, the better the idea seemed. If he could just assess it without distractions he might discover a clue. No, he didn’t relish the thought of how he might respond to it, but the sooner this was over the better!

He couldn’t verify it, but he sensed that in some way the dream was one of the reasons Javi had decided to stay with the play a while longer. Ever since they’d returned from Mexico, he’d sensed an undercurrent, a restlessness in Javi that he couldn’t recall having been there before. Though the two of them were knit together like a well-made sweater, he wasn’t naive enough to believe that Javi told him everything all the time.

Check that! He did tell him everything eventually, but sometimes a person had to work out a problem by themselves first in order to present it as a complete thought to another. He was the same way about the dream. He knew it disturbed Javi because he could do nothing to rid Kurt of its repercussions, so sometimes Kurt would mull it over by himself and tell Javi about it later.

No, Javi would not be at all happy about Kurt’s idea of going to the storage locker and examining what was in that carefully sealed box of doom by himself. But by himself, at least in Kurt’s mind, was the only way to do it. Javi’s presence would most definitely be distracting and he knew it. Refocusing on his laptop, he decided to put the idea away, finish his lesson plans, and then revisit it. But he could feel his resolve solidifying even as he sat there consciously filing it back into his compartmentalized brain.

Jeff stretched slowly and yawned, responding to the tinkling sound of music coming from his phone. He had to work 3 to 11 today so he’d remained at home to sleep while Blaine went to lunch with Kurt. He’d wanted to go with him, but Blaine had insisted he didn’t have to. True, Jeff definitely needed the sleep, and Blaine felt it would be better to meet with Kurt alone. Jeff had some reservations about them meeting without Jeff or Javi. Not that it hadn’t happened before, but sometimes he still felt uneasy about Kurt. Yet, he knew if he made an issue of it, it might just create a problem between him and Blaine that didn’t need to exist. If the two of them were going to be friends as Blaine hoped, it was something Jeff would have to get comfortable with…or at least come to accept.

And truthfully, this dream was disrupting all of their lives, but Kurt and Blaine were the ones whose sleep was being disturbed by it. So, Jeff had relented. As he kicked off the covers, heading for the shower, he decided he’d text Blaine later.

Blaine sat on the edge of the stage, waiting for the rest of the cast to arrive. After his lunch with Kurt, he decided it was a good idea to burn off some nervous energy and the best way to do that, at least for him, was by dancing. He needed the sameness of repeating the memorized movements along with the workout that his routines provided.

Done, he mopped his brow with his T-shirt, staring out at all of the red velvet seats, soon to be filled with an audience. Kurt had not seemed all that surprised that the dream was evolving, now including a fifth presence, but who? He’d almost seemed resigned….or maybe he was just tired of dealing with it. He could certainly understand that!

Blaine ran his fingers through his damp curls, wishing that the details would just fall into place revealing the full picture, one they could hang on a wall as a reminder that they’d conquered the obstacle the dream represented. He’d wished it away so many times, but the wish had only seemed to make it harder to stop thinking about it. And recently a niggling idea had been trying to force its way into his consciousness as Blaine tried in vain to ignore it.

Just the thought of seeing that…thing…again gave him chills. It made him sad to think that something that had once brought joy to his life was now an object he never wanted to see again. Of all of them, he had had the strongest reaction to the photo and the demolished frame. And besides, if he did what he was thinking of doing, Jeff would most certainly not be onboard. But if handling it did anything to solve the problem, Jeff would change his tune….wouldn’t he? However, there was a huge obstacle between his thoughts and the corresponding action. He didn’t have a key. Only Kurt and Javi had keys. In the back of his mind, he was actually glad for this obstacle, but the idea just wouldn’t go away. Leave me alone! he reprimanded his mind, and then got up from the stage, heading back to the dressing room area to grab a quick shower and start preparing for tonight’s performance.

“Another person?” Kurt asked looking startled and then deflated. “Do you have any idea who?” Blaine hedged, “Well, it’s not a person yet…” How stupid did that sound, like his mind was giving birth or something. “I mean it’s more of a…..presence.” Kurt stared at Blaine and Blaine stared at Kurt, “a presence….” Kurt murmured and then revealed the tale of what had happened to him in that Mexican studio. “Tonio?” Blaine asked for once remembering his name without prompting. “I’m assuming,” Kurt replied. They both studied their chef salads shifting the vegetables around, not really hungry.

“Kurt, I’m going to say something and you can laugh if you want, but I’m thinking we should consult a dream psychologist,” he said, determined not to look away. He was serious and he wanted Kurt to know it. “A what?” Kurt asked with a skeptical look on his face. “I’ve been doing some research and there are psychologists who specialize in dream therapy.” “What? You mean like I go in and say something like, I’m dreaming about my partner’s deceased boyfriend…and oh by the way, he’s not just a part of my dream, but I think his ghost is involved, too? And then they can say…”

“Stop it, Kurt, I’m serious. No, it’s not like when you open a book and it gives you a list of what things in a dream might represent, like if you dream of yellow paint.” He’d found this interpretation in the book he’d been reading. It represents optimism or happiness like nothing in your life could stress you out.” “Yellow paint? Apparently, I was wrong about my color choice….celery!” Kurt sort of joked. Blaine ignored the comment, forging ahead. “Dream psychologists are treating you…..like an individual. Like….say the picture frame could mean one thing to me and another to you.” Kurt was still giving him that skeptical look, but it at least appeared that he was really listening.

“Okay, so say we try this. When are we going to find the time? I’m gone at least two days a week. You’re onstage or in rehearsal or preparing to perform almost every day! And would we do this together? separately? with Jeff and Javi? I can’t believe we’re….” Kurt let the sentence die on his lips. The sentence, I can’t believe we’re saying this, had become a broken record.

“I don’t know and don’t think I haven’t thought of those things, but can we afford not to at least try it? And I don’t mean money-wise. Maybe we’re just extra sensitive to whatever….the other stuff is all about,” referring to the ghost-like manifestations. “But the dreams? That’s where I think we need to start. It was the dreams that started all of this so maybe it’s best to start at what might be the root of the problem. Maybe, just maybe, if we can figure that part out all of this otherworldly nonsense will take care of itself.”

Wouldn’t that be wonderful? That was starting to overshadow the dreams. Until all of this “nonsense” as Blaine called it occurred, the dreams were just an annoyance. He didn’t really fear the dreams. At least, dreams were part of this world. Things falling of their own accord, windows opening when you were sure you’d closed them, the extremes of heat and cold, that feeling of being engulfed in another place or time? That was not of this world; but yes, it was all too real. And it invoked fear much more than the dreams ever did. No, nonsense wasn’t a word he’d use to describe it, but Kurt let the moment pass.

“Okay, I can’t disagree,” Kurt finally conceded. “I don’t know how we should go about this, but I’ll talk it over with Javi and you talk it over with Jeff. At least that part I think we can agree on. And honestly? Whatever they say, I think you and I should go visit this psychologist together…at least for the first visit. Then, we can let him or her tell us what they think about future visits.”

Kurt sort of smiled, “Do you remember the first time we went to a counsellor together?” Blaine could laugh about it now, but it hadn’t been the least bit funny at the time. “Yeah! All that mess with my parent’s divorce and dealing with my first competition and who knows what else was in that mix? I was so embarrassed and afraid you wouldn’t want me….us….” he stopped. He couldn’t go on. It suddenly felt very weird and uncomfortable talking to Kurt about something so personal that had once been between them. “It’s okay, Blaine. Sure, that was part of a different place and time but we really did have a good thing going for quite a while.” Kurt was surprised at his own words. Only a little over a year ago, he wouldn’t have been able to see it that way.

“Yeah, we did, didn’t we?” Blaine smiled, sounding almost wistful, “Well, I better get going, as Finn always said, “The show must go all over the place or something.” They both chuckled. “Well, if our life was a play it could certainly be described as going all over the place.” Kurt replied. “And it’s certain that everything’s changed, too.” Blaine replied referring not only to the first hit by Mateo but to the words that Tonio seemed to insist upon yelling during Kurt’s version of the dream.

But before they parted ways, Blaine mused, “Do you remember what Finn wrote on that pic of the Glee Club?” “Sure, of course, I remember, Kurt replied, “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” he quoted. I remember laughing and wondering when Finn had started reading books by Alan Watts. The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety. Picturing him reading anything other than the back of a cereal box? Uh-uh. But when I asked him about it, he said that he’d found the quote on Google when he was writing a paper for Literature class.”

Blaine nodded with a half smile, “And he told me that it reminded him of me. He said something like, you’ve already joined the dance and now you’re about to plunge into a life filled with change, so just go with the flow. Now, that last part sounded more like Finn.” Blaine sighed, looking down at his hands, “And what an irony. Only a few months later, he was gone. He died trying to change the world for the better…..”

“Yeah,” was all that Kurt could manage, “To change one’s life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions.” That’s what he wrote on mine, telling me that if any word described me it was flamboyant….and then in his own words, I’m assuming, he wrote, “No matter what happens between you and Blaine, don’t forget, you were friends first.” He was silent for a minute and then said, “I didn’t really get what he meant at the time….” Blaine interrupted, “And I guess now we do sort of…but Kurt? Finn isn’t living our lives, we are. Maybe it was good advice, but….. I can’t believe I’m saying this, we can’t live our lives according to Finn’s words or anyone else’s. If he’d known his own future? I’m sure he would have changed anything to avoid his fate.”

“Mmmmm….” Kurt murmured and then came back from his reverie, “Yeah, well, we both need to get going. I’ll talk to Javi about the dream psychologist thing and let you know what he says.” “Yeah, me too,” Blaine said distractedly also trying to come back to the present that did not include Finn….only the pearls of wisdom he’d dropped into their minds.

“So, how was lunch with Blaine?” Javi asked as he sat down at the kitchen table, certainly more than ready to dig into the meal Kurt had prepared for his after-performance appetite. Of course, he’d seen Blaine at the playhouse but had been far too busy to have any real conversation and besides he wouldn’t have asked him anyway. He wanted Kurt’s take, not Blaine’s.

“Okay, I guess,” Kurt took a bite of the chili, blowing on the spoon to cool it off. Trying again, he said, “Apparently, there’s a new presence? person? in his dream. He really couldn’t elaborate because he wasn’t even sure who it might be. And then he brought up the idea of seeing a dream psychologist and….”

“A what?” Javi looked up from his bowl, “What’s that?” Kurt sort of laughed, “That was my first reaction, too. But it’s someone who….well, I guess the word might be someone who helps you navigate your dreams and helps you see how your dreams may be affecting your life and why. The way Blaine explained it, the psychologist doesn’t have an ABC of what dreams mean or what the stuff in them means. It’s an individual thing….like oh I don’t know. Well, let’s take the obvious example that Blaine used. The broken picture frame could mean one thing to me and another to Blaine. Anyway, I told him I’d talk it over with you.”

“Hmmmm…..well, it sounds interesting and better than doing what we’re doing now, which is pretty much nothing. I know when I was looking for a psychologist…” The word slipped out before he could even think about it.

“Wait, why are you looking for a psychologist?” Kurt set his spoon down giving Javi his full attention. Javi looked uneasy, “I wasn’t going say anything until I got a better handle on it.” “On what?” Kurt’s eyes showed a mixture of fear and curiosity. After all, if Javi was seeking out a psychologist that meant he was struggling with something himself. Something that it would appear Kurt knew nothing about.

“Kurt….I don’t know how to explain this exactly…..but when we met….this problem….seemed to go away and I’ve been so happy with you, with us, I was hoping that it had finally disappeared forever.” Kurt started to interrupt, but Javi said, “Let me finish…or I may never get it all out.” Now Kurt could see fear in Javi’s eyes and maybe some half-formed tears?

“You know how….overprotective I can be about you sometimes….well, I’m not explaining this very well. After Tonio died and I’d gotten through the initial grief, I started feeling angry…..so angry! at him. For a long time I refused to deal with it, but then I realized I had to deal with it…..because I didn’t want to live like that. So, I started seeing a counselor. But, with all the traveling that comes with my livelihood, consistency was a big problem. And besides sometimes it would go away for a period of time and I’d hope it had just gone away on its own. Even though I couldn’t have consistent counseling, I did learn some techniques to deal with it. But, it’s also one of the reasons I couldn’t maintain a long-term relationship. I put it down to my life not being conducive to a real relationship, but deep down I knew it was the anger driving it. And instead of facing it head on, I just decided to avoid relationships.”

“You and me? Wow! When you came along it was like the world suddenly righted itself! And I still feel that way every single day. I may be angry at Tonio, but I’ve always been thankful that what I learned from him has benefited my life with you in a thousand different ways, mi Kurtito.”

“But when we were in Mexico, returning to all those places from my past…and then your reaction to….whatever…in the studio, it just came crashing down on me again. Yeah, I know all about triggers, but I was so sure I’d somehow conquered that anger…..” he stopped, trying to compose himself.

“We haven’t though, have we? You haven’t…..” how could he be mad at Javi for keeping this to himself when he looked so utterly miserable. In all the research and study he’d done for his book and his classes he’d determined that keeping some things to yourself in a relationship was actually a good thing if you were wise enough to know what not to say and vice versa. In some ways he wished he’d known half of what he knew now about relationships back when he and Blaine were together. Not that anyone would condone Blaine’s actions the first time it happened, but he hadn’t necessarily had to tell Kurt about it. It was obvious after he told him that he regretted his actions horribly…..and they were kids. People make mistakes they regret all the time. And Kurt had to admit he’d had this idealized picture of what a relationship should be. But the second time it happened? He suddenly realized he was getting off track. This wasn’t about him and Blaine. It was about Javi and his feelings and his life, still having some unfinished business with Tonio.

He reached across the table and took Javi’s hand in his own, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “I’d like to say it’s okay, but obviously it’s not…I mean you’re still carrying around anger at Tonio. But, lovebug, I felt the same way when we met…..like you were the answer to everything I went through with Blaine, but in my case you somehow created a space for me to do what I should have done in the first place. Talked to Blaine before I ever left New York and then convincing me to get some professional help. The only difference is that I wore my pain on the outside and you’d already had years of experience internalizing yours. God!, Kurt laughed, “here I go again sounding like a counselor myself! And I keep saying I don’t want to be a psychiatrist, but with all this reading I do? But hey! We live in California where everyone has some sort of counselor on speed dial. If I ever decide I need a break from writing and teaching, I could always make a living at mending minds, certainly enough clientele to go around.” Kurt realized he was babbling and again turned his attention to Javi.

But Javi had been so deep in thought he hadn’t even noticed. He was trying to figure out what to say next. Why did he think that Kurt was going to get mad at him over things like this? He knew him well enough by now to know that first of all, he hated confrontation, and second, no matter how much he hated it he almost always responded reasonably. He could count on one hand the times he’d actually seen Kurt angry and very rarely at him.

And as if he could read Javi’s mind, he said, “Javito, why do you think I’m going to react like Tonio to stuff like this? Yeah, I may get a little miffed at times, but yelling and stomping around……it’s not me, you know that….not my style.” Javi could feel his hand tightening around Kurt’s as he continued to describe Tonio’s way of dealing with problems and he described him so very well….yelling, stomping…..oh no…..no, no, no…..

“Kurtito…..did you hear what you just said? Yelling, stomping and everything else you just said about Tonio? What does that remind you of?” He took a few minutes, giving it some thought. “It reminds me of all the times you’ve described that part of your relationship with him….and most of the time you laugh it off…..almost like you’re relieved it’s over and you’ve put it behind you…..but you haven’t, have you?”

“No, I mean when you picture it in your mind what does it remind you of? Really, close your eyes and try to picture it.” Kurt did as Javi asked and let his mind wander the landscape that usually accompanied this assignment. Tonio and Javi were usually on a stage, both with imaginary swords drawn as Javi described it ready to do battle while the crew cowered in corners enjoying the show. Like the Sun planning to remind the Moon that he could burn him to a cinder if he chose to.

“Well, you’re on a stage,” Kurt began almost like he was reciting from a script. “No, Kurt,” he squeezed his hand again anxious for him to see what Javi was seeing in his head. “What’s another scenario….somewhere else you’ve imagined Tonio stomping and yelling,” he tried not to emphasize the last two words, wanting Kurt to come to the realization on his own.

Blaine opened his eyes, sensing the comforting warmth of Jeff’s body beside him. He couldn’t get the words that Finn had written on the back of Kurt’s photo out of his mind: remember you were friends first. He’d forgotten about that part of the inscription. Or at least he thought he had. He remembered he and Kurt talking about it a lot after Finn had written it and then even more after Finn had died. In fact, they’d wondered how Finn could possibly think anything could happen to them other than a life of what they’d hoped would be wedded bliss. But that hadn’t happened, had it?

Yes, they had been friends first and when they’d broken up the final time and he’d went through all of the counseling, he’d discovered it wasn’t the romantic part of their relationship that was most important to him by then. He missed their friendship….and then when given the opportunity he’d pursued that avenue. And now here they were hopefully on the brink of that being a reality.

Or was that just wishful thinking or yet another dream? Like the recurring ones he and Kurt somehow shared? But according to Kurt, his dream hadn’t changed much if at all. He’d neither seen nor sensed an added presence.

Blaine closed his eyes again, trying to bring that presence to the forefront so he could maybe glean something more about what or who it might be. But all he could remember was that he? she? it? had felt benevolent, even tranquil? He couldn’t see it. It was just….there. Well, this was getting him nowhere, so he rolled over placing his hand on Jeff’s shoulder. He’d talk to him about it when he woke up, the dream psychologist, the new addition to the details, everything……and then he gratefully slipped into slumber once more.

Kurt’s eyes popped open, startled out of a sound sleep. The teal satin sheets were damp and lay in a state of disarray around him. Shivering, he used a single hand to drag them back up over his uncomfortably cold body. His frightened eyes flitted around the room like a kaleidoscope of butterflies attempting to light on something familiar, safe.

He was in San Diego. In their bedroom. He released a shaky sigh. The room was encaptured with some of his favorite images of Javi, his own personal gallery. He fervently wished that Javi was here, not in LA, not anywhere else but within reach of the arms that clutched Javi’s pillow.

Rolling onto his back, he blinked a few times, not at all ready to close them on another curtain of sleep. Sleep? After that….dream? Again, THE DREAM….that’s how it appeared on the blackboard in his mind, in all caps. It might dissolve into nonexistence for a few weeks – sometimes even a month would go by – but it always reappeared like a homing pigeon anxious to deliver yet another confusing or frightening message to disturb Kurt’s slumber.

Sometimes it was like watching a movie he’d seen before – the same bedroom, the shattered glass picture frame housing his friends in the Glee Club, Antonio yelling some variation of “Everything’s changed!” And sometimes it was like watching the same movie….except it was in the process of being edited with possible additions to the story, rarely coherent or logical. Fuzzy, vague…undefined details…It was getting so tiresome! But as tiresome as it might be, tiresome was always cancelled out by fear. At least he didn’t wake up in tears anymore….well, almost never.

Reaching for his phone laying on the night stand, tapping the lamp on to dim, he caught a glimpse of one of his favorite photos of Javi.

His lover was forever telling Kurt that he had that “it” factor. That indefinable something that drew people to him like a magnet. And it wasn’t just about looks like most people thought. “It” was about empathy, having good listening skills, eye contact, self-confidence and on and on. Kurt would laugh, and often blush, completely unable to see any of those qualities in himself. But when he looked at his Javito? It was like someone tilting a mirror in front of Kurt capturing all of those qualities in the person reflected there. The caramel-colored skin, the full lips, the deep brown eyes filled with wisdom, always seeming to have time to turn his full attention to Kurt…..

His phone informed him that it was too early to take on the day ahead, but on the bright side it was warm enough to sit outside. He wished his multifunctional phone could tell him how to divest himself of THE DREAM! Why wasn’t there an app for that?

He hesitated. To call or not to call…he could hear Javi’s deep voice scolding him for hesitating at all. He’d probably still be awake. An after performance high was part and parcel of the performance itself always begging you to come back for another long sip of adrenaline. If he was in LA chances were he’d either be shaking his head while watching Javi consume enough calories to fuel his body for a whole week…or they’d be satisfying the flip side of hungry. Which was one of reasons he was hesitating.

Still unnerved and a little disoriented, he wasn’t really in the mood for phone sex…and if he called instead of texting, Javi would assume that that was why he was calling and if it wasn’t? He didn’t have to be a genius to know something was up. He’d hear it in his voice…and so what? His mind spoke, irritated. It’s not like Javi didn’t know about THE DREAM. It wasn’t like they hadn’t been dealing with it for almost as long as they’d known each other. He knew it worried Javi, but….call him, damn it!

Turning off the shower, Javi wrung out his shocking pink hair, stepping onto the water absorbent bath mat. He could hear Kurt voicing his longing for his shiny black curls and in truth he was growing a little tired of the pink hair himself, but as long as his part as Lust existed pink hair it would have to be.

He’d grown to love his role in the play. He’d taken to acting as if it had been lying quietly dormant, preparing him for over thirty years, nurturing that seed until the call of destiny beckoned. However, he was secretly glad they’d cut back the performances to alternating three nights one week and four nights the next. With a bit of rest in between shows he believed he was actually a better performer. But still….it took at least two or so hours to come down off that high and when his phone rang, he wasn’t really surprised to see it was Kurt….but he was sort of surprised that he hadn’t texted first to make sure Javi was awake. Oh, well, maybe he was in the mood for some long-distance play….offering to quench that hunger that had nothing to do with food and everything to do with alleviating the aphrodisiac that immersing oneself in a role and the accolades that came with it could be. Acting was exhibitionism at its best!

Sprawling damp and naked onto the bed, he palmed the phone. “Hey there, Buffy!” he said cheerfully, referring to a nickname he’d given Kurt in the past when describing him as his nude maid. “Hey lovebug,” Kurt said in what sounded like a tired and wavering voice. “What? No alliterative nickname, like Sexy Mexy?” “Well, you are all of that, but….” Kurt finally just decided to say it. “I just woke up…” Pushing all thoughts of play aside, Javi said, “The dream again, right?”

He knew that guarded tone, sometimes frustrated, sometimes weary, and he hated it! He could do nothing but sit on the sidelines. “Any new details?” he managed. “Not really…or at least none that I can recall,” Kurt said not sure if he would really want to recall them even if he could. “Javito, I’ve been putting this off for too long. I know I should really talk this over with Blaine. I keep hoping it will all just go away….but it’s not…and it won’t,” There was that edge in his voice again, “That room…..he’s…well actually they….are living in that place with….that room!”

It was true! They’d been putting this off for a long time, neither of them wanting to upset Blaine unnecessarily. Neither had actually asked Blaine about the dream recently, but he and Javi saw each other almost every day at the theater. It wasn’t like it would be a new topic of discussion for either of them. Maybe in their wish for it to just disappear, he and Kurt had unconsciously (or maybe intentionally?) assumed that Blaine would say something if…..if what?

What if he was no longer having the dream? Or even if he was….well, why wasn’t he recognizing that room in his dream? They could go round and round about this, usually ending with it’s a dream! When were dreams supposed to make sense? Kurt was right. Apparently, the dream had no intention of taking a vacation or moving in with a more accommodating host.

“Kurt….I know we’ve been hoping this would all just go away….but I can hear it in your voice. You’re reaching the end of your rope. And much as I hate to say it, you’re absolutely right. It’s time….to talk to Blaine I mean. Maybe three heads…or four if we include Jeff…are better than just our two. Maybe it’s time to just lay it all out and see what happens. I mean the worst that can happen is that we’ll all have more information, right?”

“Well, yeah I guess,” Kurt mumbled, even though the suggestion had been his to begin with. He didn’t want to be but he was still on the fence about how close he wanted to get to Blaine. It wasn’t that he believed Blaine could really harm him again. They weren’t romantically involved anymore. Yet, despite all that had come between them, he sometimes missed their friendship. He wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like he didn’t have lots of friends….oh! what did it matter! Like it or not, apparently Blaine was just as much at the center of this dilemma as he and Javi were and even if they didn’t come up with a solution, Javi was right, more information certainly couldn’t make things worse.

Maybe if he went back over all of the reasons his counselor had given him as to why a person might have repetitive dreams something would jump out at him. That certainly couldn’t hurt either. It had definitely helped when they’d discussed sex dreams. Sex dreams that did not include Javi, but often included Blaine. Kurt remembered how he had hesitated to tell Javi about those dreams. Because he didn’t understand why they were occurring he’d been afraid Javi would be upset if he knew, but instead that discussion had led to a decision that had solidified their love even more. Maybe they could try to build a fantasy around this craziness? But what kind of fantasy could be built around this….whatever it was! The whole thing seemed like it should already be in the realm of fantasy!

“You’ll be back sometime tomorrow?” Javi asked. Sometimes Kurt would get caught up in his lesson preparations and not return to LA until Friday. “Yeah, classes went really well this week and besides I don’t like sleeping alone.” Javi smiled to himself and joked, “Sleep alone? When you’re here and not in San Diego you know neither of us sleep much anyway. You’re such a distraction. However, you could always invite one of the neighbors over. After all, they are women, so I feel pretty confident that I wouldn’t have any competitors.” “Oh yeah? Well how do you know that that isn’t one of my secret fantasies that I just haven’t told you about yet?” Kurt’s tension started to disappear as Javi’s humor drew his attention away from the dream. “Good point! But after the last one you described to me, I’m not sure anything would surprise me, Kurtito! Maybe we could combine those fantasies?” Kurt laughed. That thought had never occurred to him. “Look, I know you’re probably exhausted so get some sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow, mi Javito.” “I’ll keep the bed warm and the light on….I love you, Buffy. I’ll even help you make the bed…after we’re done unmaking it, of course.” Even though Kurt often squawked about some of the nicknames Javi came up with, inside he loved every one of them. “And I love you, mi sexy Mexy.”

Kurt disconnected, turned on his side and tried to get comfortable again. After tonight’s version of THE DREAM he really was becoming more concerned about Blaine and Jeff living in that apartment. Before they’d hung up Javi had promised to bring it up to Blaine the next evening at the play house. Just to ask him if they had time to talk about something important sharing as little as possible surrounding the details. He wanted to be there when they had an actual discussion about this. After staring at the wall for what seemed like hours, Kurt finally fell back asleep, hoping his dreams would include more of Javi and less of his long-dead partner Tonio.

“Have you seen Blaine?” Javi enquired of Michael. The two had become fast friends over their mutual interest in dance. “Mmmm…..I think he’s in dressing room 10, maybe?” “Thanks! Ready for another night on the boards?” he asked but headed for the dressing rooms before Michael could answer.

The door was wide open, but Javi knocked on the door frame anyway. Dropping his worn gym bag, for the first time in awhile he really looked at Blaine.

Going through his dance moves, spinning from one foot to the other, he looked tired, but for the most part almost everyone in the play looked extra weary at one time or another. “Hey, Blaine, you don’t think you have those moves down to a science by now?” he snickered, trying to ease into a conversation. “Yeah, but a little practice never hurt anyone,” Blaine replied appearing sort of distracted like his mind wasn’t anywhere near the theater. “You okay?” Javi asked. He was no expert on Blaine Anderson by any means, but he didn’t seem like the upbeat person he thought he knew.

“Yeah, sure, of course I’m okay,” he murmured half-heartedly. He cleared his throat and raised his voice a little, “Um…..just having some trouble with sleep lately and you know how hectic our lives are….Jeff’s sister is coming to visit in a couple weeks and he’s working extra hours now so he can get a few days off to spend with her. And we’ve been working on the spare bedroom getting it ready for her. Just life happening at warp speed…”

“Oh! So what are you doing in the spare bedroom?” Javi was immediately on alert. Did they have more than one? He couldn’t remember Kurt’s description of their apartment.

“Just painting, putting up stuff on the walls…trying to make it homey I guess. It’s going slower than expected but it’ll be done when she gets here.” That was a flat-out lie, but he didn’t want to get into a long explanation about what was really going on in that room. Especially since he was far from sure himself. In truth, the only time they’d returned to the work in progress was the day they’d entered the room together. Neither was willing to allow the other to enter it alone. After cautiously unlocking the door, one grabbed the paint can and brushes and the other made sure the lone window was closed, the lock secured, leaving the picture with its shattered frame on the bed. Neither he nor Jeff wanted to admit it, but they were afraid to remove it from the room. Like whatever was…..haunting? it would follow the picture wherever they took it.

“Well, maybe you two need a night out. Away from jobs and housekeeping. How would you feel about the four of us getting together soon? Kurt’ll be back tonight and will be in town until next Tuesday. Does Jeff have any time off in the near future?” Blaine looked at Javi quizzically. The four of them had never deliberately planned to get together, except for when Kurt and Jeff had come for the opening night of Reinventing Your Sins. He mentally scanned their calendar stopping on Sunday night. He knew Jeff had that night off. He even had Sunday afternoon off for that matter.

“Jeff’s off this Sunday, but I’d have to check with him to be sure that’s okay. With a little more enthusiasm, Blaine said, “Yeah, that might be kinda nice actually, but…”

Javi wasn’t one to beat around the bush and it seemed rather silly to keep Blaine in the dark about why, which was the question he knew he had meant to ask. “Look, I know this seems weird since the four of us don’t socialize much, but…..” oh what the hell! “Kurt is still having problems with that dream, it’s not going away and it certainly isn’t getting any better. We thought it would be a good idea to talk about it and, I don’t know….you don’t have to tell me but are you still having it, too?” Oh my god!!! If he only knew! If he only knew that the dream had literally taken on some sort of life of its own and seemed to have morphed into an even creepier sort of reality!

Be calm, his brain whispered, just answer the question, “Uhhh….yeah, actually I am still having it.” And yes I’d love to talk to you guys about it! That’s what he wanted to say. But he was uncertain if that would be Jeff’s response. Obviously, he and Jeff weren’t getting very far with trying to deal with it alone though. Blaine actually felt a sense of relief at Javi’s suggestion. “Is it keeping you awake?” Javi asked. “I mean….like a nightmare….like before?” Nightmare didn’t even begin to describe it!

“Sometimes, I guess…” you guess???? “Well, if you don’t mind checking with Jeff….could we get together and discuss it? If you’ve told Jeff, that is. I know sometimes Kurt doesn’t like to talk to me about it because he knows I’ll fret, as he puts it.” Javi sort of smiled at that, how many 20-somethings used the word fret? Blaine thought Jeff would probably be as relieved as he was. Sharing it with someone might actually help and he doubted it could hurt.

From there the conversation branched out to the play, always a source of interesting tidbits and gossip…..or wondering if or when the play would end in LA and move on. Exchanging anecdotes or advice regarding the ever-present balancing act of loving their work and maintaining the stamina it took to continue.

Javi’s phone vibrated, letting him know it was time to get in costume. “Time to punch the time clock,” he joked. “Yeah, our fawning fans await! Listen, I’ll talk to Jeff and get back to you, okay?”

Jeff’s head rested on Blaine’s lap as Blaine lovingly stroked one of Jeff’s arms, “But Blaine I thought you said you wanted to deal with this on our own. Are you sure you really want to bring Kurt and Javi into the mix? We might end up more confused than ever!” Jeff said in a concerned voice. He didn’t know why he had reservations about it, not really. The three of them were always in the dream, not always in the same roles, but always there together.

And Blaine had already talked it over with Javi and Kurt at one time or another. He knew that part of it was that uneasy feeling he still sometimes had about Kurt, even though Blaine’s reasoning about why he might feel that way made perfect sense. He let Blaine interrupt his thoughts with, “Yes, I did say that, but we don’t seem to be doing very well dealing with it ourselves. Keeping the door shut and trying to ignore it really isn’t dealing with it, is it? And Jersey is going to be here soon.”

“But we could always have her sleep in the other bedroom,” Jeff hedged, turning his head so he could look up at Blaine’s face. “Yeah, we could do that…and considering the situation we probably will, but that still won’t solve the problem. We’d still be ignoring the room, avoiding the problem…and then with Jersey here there’d be one more person to worry about living here with….it.”

And that was the gist of everything. They didn’t know what “it” was much less how to deal with it. It was time they faced it squarely. Jeff had quietly checked out organizations that supposedly “helped” with paranormal activity and felt like a complete moron doing it. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in the supernatural or a realm beyond what he could see, but that was easy to say when contact with it had never happened to you. Until it did, for the most part no one thought about it much or at least he didn’t. But now that it had he felt like his world had flipped sideways, like if he told anyone they’d think he’d lost his mind or insist he was imagining it. How he wished he was!

He knew Blaine was right and, taking one of his hands, he reluctantly told him so. “Lunch on Sunday? 11 at Circle 9?” Blaine quickly texted Javi before Jeff could change his mind. The return text was almost instantaneous, a firm yes followed by, “See you then.”

Javi had definitely been right about one thing. He and Jeff needed some time away from the apartment and work, despite the reason for their meeting. Their lives seemed to be consumed by their respective careers and they had little time for socializing.

Blaine had hidden his concern that sitting across the table from both Kurt and Javi to have any discussion would be awkward. And Jeff directed his attention exclusively to Blaine, avoiding eye contact with Kurt. But they needn’t have worried. As it turned out, all of them were too focused on the topic at hand to notice or feel any uneasiness. Even Jeff didn’t feel as unsettled around Kurt as he thought he might. Maybe that pillow-talk discussion earlier in the month had really helped and all he needed to do was test its validity face to face.

Wanting to get down to the business at hand, they all chose to have the brunch buffet.

Taking a quick look around the table, Kurt decided to take the lead; someone had to, he thought. Swallowing a sip of Diet Coke, he announced, “So, we all know why we’re here,” like they had to have a particular reason to meet…and at least at this stage, they did. Not even trying to avoid those laser-beam eyes, Blaine glanced at Kurt in silent agreement.

“We’ve already talked about this separately at some point. We all know the main characters, right? Or…am I making an assumption?” realizing that maybe something new had been added since he and Blaine had last talked. “I think so,” Blaine said, “but just to be sure….it’s me, you, Javi and….his name again?” Javi answered, “Antonio….I called him…um…Tonio.” After all these years it still seemed difficult to talk about him sometimes. “Sometimes it’s all four of us, sometimes it’s only three of us, but in my dream you and I are always there, Kurt, and it either takes place in a bedroom or hotel room….and a few times I’ve been at an airport, don’t know which one though.”

Kurt nodded slowly as if in deep thought, “Same here…except I’ve never dreamt about an airport.” Still unsure of how to broach the subject without alarming Blaine and Jeff, he asked, “So, what does the room look like?” Blaine shifted his eyes towards Jeff, “It’s just a…bedroom. There’s a bed, sometimes a window, a night stand, I don’t know. Nothing very specific….” Kurt nodded and looked over at Javi, who gave him what he hoped was an encouraging nod.

“Blaine, do you remember the night you showed me around your apartment?” “Sure!” Blaine replied, remembering Kurt’s rather strange behavior. “Well…..how do I say this. It sounds ridiculous…but not any more ridiculous than this dream business. Anyway, I’m positive one of your spare bedrooms is the room in my dream. I don’t know any other way to put it.” “Which one?” Blaine asked, every nerve ending jumping to attention.

Kurt could describe that room down to the last detail, but he barely got out, “The one with the picture of the Glee Club on the nightstand. The one where you asked me for advice on a color scheme.” He didn’t add “the one that scares the hell out of me!”

Blaine’s shoulders slumped as Jeff turned to look at him again, his face completely unable to hide his alarm, automatically reaching for Blaine’s hand. Kurt sat back into the booth as if pinned by the shock in their responses. Javi’s eyes went from face to face, hoping he sounded like the voice of reason when he said, “Okay, it’s obvious we have a real problem here and we have to find a solution.”

The conversation continued as they attempted to eat at least some of their by now lukewarm meals. They had to eat something if for no other reason than they’d need the nourishment to take their next step. And now here they were…..at the next step. None of them was sure it was the right step though. Especially Jeff and Blaine. What good could it possibly do? But on the other hand, after discussing it to death, they still felt as if they had no good options. Jeff had revealed his internet search….and there was supposed to be help out there, but all of them still felt silly consulting an outside source, even one that would believe them. Maybe later? Yeah, maybe, they agreed putting it on the backburner.

“I feel like I should knock or something,” Kurt cracked trying to relieve the tension and they all laughed….sort of. Javi took the key from Kurt’s fingers and said, “Let me do it. I know this sounds out there…and obviously I’m not as sensitive to these things as you and Blaine might be…but if it’s Tonio,” he stopped knowing how absurd it sounded. Acknowledging that you actually understood something you couldn’t see didn’t fit well in this world. He started again, “If it’s him, maybe I’ll sense something you guys haven’t.” He’d almost forgotten that even Jeff had sensed something and he wasn’t even involved in the dreams.

He unlocked the door, entering boldly, as if confronting Tonio, ready to engage in combat. That he might be able to deal with! He had lots of practice with walking directly into the Sun, Tonio’s nickname, in full armor, sword drawn.

He didn’t say anything though. He slowly walked around the half-painted room noting everything Kurt, Blaine and Jeff had described. The room was chilly, but then it had been locked up for a long time. There was still the faint tangy odor of fresh paint. He tried using all of his senses as he’d learned to do. It had become almost second nature. He didn’t hear anything and there really wasn’t anything to taste. His eyes caught a twinkle from the broken picture frame and he felt an uneasiness when looking at those smiling faces beneath the shards of glass. He tentatively touched the crystal frame. His stomach flipped and he felt a wave of nausea. Withdrawing his finger, he stood in the middle of the room once more, and softly but firmly whispered, “Tonio?” and felt silly as he waited for some sort of response. Nothing…absolutely nothing.

He left the room and shook his head as if to say, “Nada,” but finding his voice he said, “The frame….it made me sick…um…nauseous when I touched it. And it’s freezing in there!” No one spoke. It was as if this were some sort of sacred (or unholy??) moment that would be destroyed if anyone spoke. Looking at Kurt, he nodded again, in silent agreement. The agreement they’d made before opening that door. Javi broke the silence asking Kurt in a low voice, “Do you want me to go with you?”

Kurt wanted to beg him to come with him while at the same time wanting to back away, bolt the door and leave it that way forever. But he could do neither. There was no going back now. He’d made Blaine aware of this predicament because he’d had no real choice.

Kurt swallowed hard and took a deep breath, “No. Not this time anyway.” God please don’t let there be another time! He saw the question marks in Javi’s eyes and squeezed his cool hand to reassure him. “Just stay here; I’ll be okay.”

He wasn’t as bold as Javi had been. No matter what his dreams told him he didn’t want to believe that the ghost of Javi’s deceased lover was hanging around. He didn’t want to believe anybody’s ghost was hanging around. He much preferred believing such things in the abstract and not as a reality. Like Javi, he inspected the room as closely as he could while trying to bravely bury his fears. He didn’t say anything. He could feel the heaviness in the air almost immediately. There was a sense of gravity pulling him downward, as if he should know why. Like it should be obvious to him….but it wasn’t. He didn’t know why and nothing, nothing! was obvious. I like the color, he thought, and then rolled his eyes and laughed at himself. Here he was in the midst of a petrifying situation and he was noticing the decore? Well, he had suggested celery as a possible color choice and Blaine had picked a nice shade, okay?

He approached the double bed knowing what he was supposed to find…and he hadn’t seen it anywhere else in the room. The Glee Club now crookedly framed in broken crystal lay exactly where Blaine had last seen it….where Jeff had been so startled by it that he ran from the room…where Javi had found it and said it gave him a queasy feeling when he’d touched it. But Kurt wasn’t startled. It was the same picture that had been sitting on the night stand the evening Blaine had shown him around, but that night the entire room and everything in it had startled him. And reluctantly touching it he felt nothing…not queasy, not frightened. It was a beautiful frame, even cracked, and he cherished that picture himself….but the frame could be replaced. The picture was still intact.

Yet this was the one thing in the room that seemed to affect everyone but him. After hearing Blaine’s story about it crashing to the floor causing him to flee from the room….and then Jeff’s story about finding it back on the bed instead of on the floor causing him to flee from the room, too…..maybe he should take it, but take it where? Javi hadn’t exactly been comfortable around it, but maybe if he severed its attachment to the room it would give them a clue. If nothing else, maybe it would stop whatever or whomever? was happening in here until after Jersey’s visit. The word ridiculous kept repeating itself but he knew that was his rational, analytical side talking. The side that liked nothing out of order and everything to make sense.

Before he could second guess himself again, he quickly, but gingerly, picked up the broken frame, the few shards of glass and the picture, being careful not to cut himself. Placing it on a piece of drop cloth, he scurried from the room. He slammed the door behind him, confronted by three pairs of wide-open eyes staring back at him.

“What are you doing, Kurt?” Javi demanded. He rarely raised his voice to Kurt, but Kurt could see he wasn’t pleased with this development. “I want to get this out of here. For whatever reason, it has no affect on me whatsoever.” “But it did on me,” Javi said, his voice tight. “Where do you propose we take it?” Kurt had to think fast before anyone changed his mind and made him take it back in there. He’d had no adverse reaction to the picture, but that room had felt like a pressure chamber to him….stuffy and overheated! “How about our storage locker? Just until we get this mess figured out. I don’t want this thing anywhere near Blaine and Jeff….or his sister. If it’s in storage, who can it….” he almost said hurt, but then mentally changed it to, “bother. We rarely go there and these two aren’t going to be going there, either.”

Blaine was dumbfounded. This was turning into something more far-reaching than he’d ever expected, but he had to admit he’d feel more comfortable with that busted mess out of their apartment. Overwhelmed, Jeff watched Blaine’s face wondering what he was thinking, but he too had no problem with it being walked out the front door. If it were up to him he’d throw it away, but he knew how much Blaine treasured that photo. And not just the photo itself. It would be easy enough for them to reproduce the picture. Everyone in Glee Club probably had a copy, but it had been given to Blaine by Finn and his handwriting was on the back….and Finn was gone as in forever gone. He didn’t want to take that from Blaine if it wasn’t necessary.

Kurt could tell that Javi wasn’t exactly thrilled with the storage locker idea either, but what better place? It would be safe there in locked storage until, hopefully, someday soon they could retrieve it, reframe it and return it to Blaine. “Kurt, what makes you think it would be safer in storage than anywhere else? Sure, it’ll be out of here and, God forbid, won’t be at our place…either of them….” he firmly reiterated, reminding Kurt of his displeasure. But Kurt interrupted, “I don’t know! I don’t! But we have to do something with it!” Javi took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. “Why can’t we just throw it away and give Blaine another copy?”

What? Javi thought….It was as if a vacuum had sucked every molecule of air from the hallway. Wasn’t it just simple common sense? Javi raised his shoulders and hands indicating his confusion at their reaction. If possible, there was an even more horrified look on each of their faces. Kurt cautiously turned the photo over, and without actually handing it to Javi, showed him the inscription on the back. Finn…..it had been given to Blaine by Finn….someone they all revered and who’d of course taken on an even larger persona in death. “Blaine….I’m sorry….I didn’t….know…”

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t…and you have a point. How do we know it’ll be “safe,” he put in air quotes, “anywhere…or for that matter that we’ll be safe from…it?” Were they really having this surreal conversation?

Finally, Jeff stepped in. “Look, Kurt’s right….or at least what he’s saying makes sense considering the circumstances. It’s worth a try, removing it from this place in particular and from anywhere we spend time. No, we don’t know that it’ll help or work…or whatever….god! this sounds so stupid!”

They all nodded, wishing they didn’t have to acknowledge that as stupid and every other adjective they could come up with sounded, it didn’t matter. They had to do something! “Okay,” Kurt said, “it’s settled. Do you have a box I can put it in?” Blaine found a suitable cardboard box and they carefully placed it all inside, sealing it tightly with packaging tape. “Look, I hate to break this up but I’d like to get rid of this as soon as possible. I’ll drive it over now. Javi, why don’t you stay here and I’ll come back to pick you up?”

“No, Kurt! I’m not letting you get in a car by yourself with that thing! No fucking way! And look at you! You’re sweating! It was freezing in there!” He crossed his arms, his accent more pronounced by the stress he was feeling. Kurt let out a frustrated sigh. “I understand what you’re saying, but I’ll be okay…” “You don’t know that!” Kurt set the box down on the kitchen counter, took Javi’s hand and led him to what he hoped would be the comfort of the couch. Would Antonio ever not be a constant reminder that life was fleeting and uncertain? Kurt was well aware of the fact that Javi’s protectiveness and worry was firmly attached to Tonio’s memory. And with good reason; he’d died in a skydiving accident! One day here; the next day…gone.

“Look at me.” Kurt said firmly, while cradling his face in one hand, “I’m the only one in this room who didn’t have some sort of reaction to it. Doesn’t it seem logical that I’ll be fine for the 10 minutes it’ll take to drive it over there?” “Kurt, nothing is logical about any of this! I won’t let you do this alone!” “Yes, mi amor, you will. I’m going nowhere with you in the car.” “But all I felt was a little queasy, that could have been anything…” Kurt interrupted, “And it could have been something!”

Suddenly Javi felt a hand on his shoulder. “How about if Kurt drives it over in your car and the rest of us can follow in ours? That way we can be sure…” Blaine almost said “he’s” but instead said, “everyone’s safe and then you two can ride back to your place together.” This wasn’t the ideal solution, but Javi had to agree that there really was no ideal solution. Kurt waited for Javi to speak, his crystalline eyes softening to let him know he understood his plight and that he appreciated his concern. “Okay…. I guess that’ll have to do,” was all he could come up with, choking back his fear.

“Now what?” Javi said as they left the storage unit with the box not just inside, but buried and hidden under a layer of bigger boxes. “I don’t know,” Kurt sighed. “Could you maybe have a talk with Tonio?” he ventured trying to lighten the mood. Javi half-smiled and said, “reasoning with him in life was hard enough; I can’t imagine reasoning with him when I can’t even see him.” The image of Javi arguing with an invisible Tonio made him chuckle, but he had to admit again, “This is getting serious. It’s not just dreams and nightmares anymore. Ya know, I know Jeff was just kidding when he said we’d have to call Ghostbusters, but we need some outside help here. We’re too close to the situation…in fact, it appears we might be the catalyst for it. And with us constantly going back and forth one minute thinking about how ridiculous this seems and the next having to admit there’s nothing ridiculous about it, we’re getting nowhere. If there’s one thing I can say about Jeff, he’s level-headed. I mean he’s already been doing some research online.”

Before the four had parted ways, they’d agreed to meet again the following week. They all needed some time to digest everything that had happened today. Driving the familiar streets back to their apartment Kurt’s mind drifted. He’d seen the movie Ghostbusters more times than he could count. He sort of wished he could call up Bill Murray or Dan Ackroyd knowing that the characters they’d played would solve their problem in less than two hours and they’d all wind up laughing in the end. Taking Javi’s hand for reassurance, he pulled into the parking garage. “Who are we gonna call, Javito?” “Hell I don’t know! Maybe Dan Ackroyd or Bill Murray…they might have some suggestions.” Kurt sort of laughed and shook his head. And there they were again, on the same wavelength….but dealing with a completely different plane of existence.

Scanning the busy restaurant, Blaine found Jeff sitting at a booth, absorbed in reading the multi-paged menu. They probably knew the IHOP menu by heart, but they’d made it sort of a game to try something different every time they came here, usually concluding that no matter what IHOP pancakes, for which the restaurant chain was named, were still their favorite. Jeff glanced up as Blaine approached, noting his uncharacteristic appearance. He expected the tired look around his eyes these days, but it went beyond that tonight. His whole demeanor appeared exhausted, defeated, scared? He decided to let Blaine initiate the conversation. He was curious about the sense of urgency his short text had conveyed.

He dropped his heavy backpack at the window side of the booth and slid into it. For a minute he seemed to not notice Jeff at all, staring out the window into the darkness of the parking lot. Jeff’s gaze remained on his face….waiting, hoping his eyes spoke of understanding and encouragement. He placed the closed menu on the table and reached for one of Blaine’s cold hands folding it into his own as if to say, “The floor is yours and I’m listening.”

Blaine seemed almost startled by the warmth of Jeff’s hand as he turned his attention from the nothingness that lay outside the window. “Hey, love,” Blaine began, and then stopped. “Let’s order first, okay?” Jeff simply nodded. Blaine perused the menu. Nothing really sounded good, but he was starving! Quickly giving up on choosing something different, he decided on something familiar and comforting, the largest breakfast they served plus an extra pancake. After the cheerful waiter repeated his order and left the table, Blaine raised his weary gaze to those soft, expressive brown eyes. Over the several months they’d been together, he’d learned to read Jeff’s moods and sometimes even his thoughts through his cocoa-colored eyes. Tonight they translated, “Share your discomfort, your fear….whatever it is, it’s safe with me.”

“Jeff….I don’t even….I think….this just sounds so…..” he started….then hesitated, rolling his eyes to the ceiling, and shaking his head. Squeezing his hand a second time, Jeff steadied his voice and said, “Blaine, slow down, just slow down and take a breath.” Blaine nodded and followed the wise instructions, finally ready to start again. “Okay, I was painting the bedroom today and….J,” Blaine closed his worried-appearing eyes, making another attempt, “there’s something wrong with that room! I….”

Jeff studied that face he loved so much, trying not to look disturbed, but when Blaine didn’t continue he said, “Wrong as in structurally? Wrong as in the color isn’t working? Wrong how?….what do you mean? We can easily call maintenance for one and just get a different color for the second, right?”

Blaine shook his head in frustration, “No!” he realized he’d spoken too loudly and lowered his voice, “No, J, I mean as in….haunted? possessed? cursed? God! this sounds so stupid!” he lowered his head, running his fingers through his black curls. Jeff took both of Blaine’s hands in his trying not to hold them too tightly and said, “Calm down, Blaine, just tell me what happened. Maybe it won’t sound so stupid if you tell me. And whatever the problem is, you know I’m here to help, if I can. I love you, Blaine, and you love me, right?”

Blaine took another deep breath and sighed, “Yeah, of course, I love you..but this sounds so..even I wouldn’t believe me,” he stopped for a second and then mumbled, “Okay, here goes.” As Blaine explained the sequence of events that had led them to this conversation, Jeff paid close attention, not just to his words, but also to his body language. He wanted to really “hear” what Blaine was saying. Jeff had many faults – sometimes he had to work at controlling his temper, sometimes he could be a little possessive, and, yes, he knew sometimes he could be judgmental, but he was working hard on that. So, he made a brave attempt to relax into the booth, striving to clear his mind, focusing on the worry he saw in his lover’s furrowed brow, the tension that was evident in his clenched fingers, the fear he hated to see in those translucent hazel eyes.

They paused for a moment as their meal arrived, allowing the silence as they took a few bites, and then resumed the conversation. Between morsels of blueberry pancake, Blaine relayed the encounter from earlier in the day. He realized that by using the word encounter it implied that he’d met someone or something….and he hated that! It made the whole thing seem even more unbelievable! But it was the only word that fit the situation in his mind. Then, finished he sighed again, placing his fork down and taking a slow sip of water.

Wow! What was he supposed to say to that? He swallowed, also reaching for his glass of water, buying time before he spoke. Having worked in the medical field for the past several years he’d seen his share of unexplainable things. He had no doubt that there were things outside of the material world that couldn’t be seen. But all he could think of was that song from the 1980s, before he was even born! It’d been the theme to a movie, Who’re You Calling? Who Are You….something? It didn’t matter. He knew it was from some funny movie and now was no time to laugh. He glanced over at Blaine. He looked drained, relieved and still frightened all at once.

Surrounded by muffled conversations, silverware clinking, and doors opening and closing, Jeff waited. “Well?” Blaine’s tormented eyes questioned. “Blaine, that’s quite a…um…a…an experience,” he said searching for the right word. He didn’t want to call it a story implying that it might be something other than true. “And no I do not think you’re crazy or that you made it up. I believe you. How about if we finish up here and we can discuss it more at home.” Blaine gave him a doubtful look, “You really believe me? Please don’t humor me, J….” Jeff gave him a level gaze and assured him that he was not humoring him. Despite the difficulty he’d had telling his story, his appetite had apparently ignored him. He smiled a little when he noted that there was nothing left on any of his plates.

Kurt’s eyes traveled around the media room picturing how it would look tonight when it was filled with his students, his friends. His frudents? He snickered to himself. He glanced up at the collage he’d created for Javi for his birthday last year. He smiled. Javi liked to call it Coming Full Circle. Photos from Javi’s time with Antonio and Mateo, then embracing Javi and Kurt, anchored between two pictures, one the Sun and Moon, the other the Moon and Mercury. The analogy behind the glowing sun and the steadfast moon represented Antonio and Javi, a word picture created by past friends and coworkers during Javi’s years with Mateo. At some point Javi had nicknamed Kurt Mercury. The two planets closest to each other, equals, complementing one another. Javi had even written a song about it, Between the Sun and Mercury***.

Emerging from his reverie, he returned to the present, continuing on to the fridge. After making himself a pastrami sandwich, he sunk into the cozy couch in the media room. Javi had mentioned replacing it with something more up to date, but Kurt had literally begged him not to. Kurt knew it sounded silly, but they had so much history revolving around that piece of furniture. The outline of their bodies was imprinted on its cushions. And he loved the way Javi’s unique scent lingered revealing just how much time was spent there. Yet, it wasn’t until they weren’t living there full time that he started to notice little things like that and as much as he hated to be away from Javi, returning here for a couple days a week was almost a lifesaver for him. Los Angeles reminded him too much of New York only with better weather and more traffic.

He could hardly wait for tonight’s class. It should prove very interesting! He had four couples in this class, including Adam and Ethan. In his second class tomorrow he also had four couples, but they were a mixed group. It had just sort of happened that way. He’d started with all gay couples and then as word got around he began receiving requests from lesbian couples, bisexuals and even a straight couple.

The class tonight consisted of four of the original couples. So many had come and gone, not willing or able to move past one of the cornerstones of the class named Foundational Cake Baking. Or as Javi had taught him, they wanted to taste the frosting without first making and tasting the cake**.

His class tomorrow evening was at a different level. At first Kurt had had misgivings about teaching two classes in this fashion, but he soon discovered that it balanced his teaching and kept his mind fresh. Going over his own material time and time again kept his creative juices flowing.

Adam had been a little hesitant about this assignment. It wasn’t that he and Ethan couldn’t create a fantasy appropriate for them, but he wondered about Kurt’s purpose in having them exchange their fantasies with their fellow classmates and friends. Were they just going to discuss them? Were they supposed to implement them whether it was an acceptable fantasy for them or not? And he was still a little leery of sharing, even though he knew these guys quite well. What if they figured out which fantasy was his and Ethan’s? And why should it matter to him? He finally quit asking himself questions that seemed to have no good answers. All five submissions (Kurt and Javi’s included) had been transcribed and printed using the same computer and printer. Kurt had used a Boston-based transcription service he trusted. That way no one in the group would know anything about the other’s fantasy. Even he didn’t know what thoughts and ideas were written on those sheets of paper.

And there had been some initial reservations when he and Ethan had started the class. After all, they were guys, notorious for not wanting to share their feelings. It wasn’t a myth that some gay men were more open about that sort of thing, but it wasn’t true of all of them. They could no more be lumped into one category than straight couples. But he and Ethan had had the opportunity to watch Kurt and Javi’s relationship more up close and personal than most. At first it was their curiosity that took hold of them, but as the classes continued and they saw couples come and go, they realized that they really did want whatever it was Kurt and Javi had. And they were willing to put in the effort.

But before Kurt put his nose to the grindstone as he dad always said he needed a breath of fresh air, well, fresher than LA’s anyway. Balancing his class materials on his laptop, he snared a Diet Coke and wandered out to the backyard, taking a seat on one of the white lounge chairs. Carefully placing the laptop on the see-through patio table, he arranged his worn notebooks, pens and Post-It notes within easy reach.

So many memories here! His mind whispered do you remember……

The night he and Javi had spent stargazing, easily slipping into a serious conversation about AIDS testing, leading to the romantic evening on the cuddly soft rug in front of the fireplace…or the day they’d played Marco Polo, the almost naked version, in the pool. His eyes closed, Kurt smiled, he’d been so concerned about the neighbors hearing them…and then there was his birthday party. His kids themed party that Javi had laughed at only to discover that Kurt wasn’t the only adult that still liked to play hide and seek in the yard or Twister on the patio. And Kurt getting mad at Javi, telling him he hated him and Javi’s sexy and successful attempt to prove to Kurt that he absolutely did not hate him.

Okay, enough time spent walking down memory lane. He had a class to prepare for. Never in a million years had he ever seen himself as a Mr. Schue, different subject matter all together, but still…..a teacher? He opened his laptop, brought up one of his Word documents and began to type, his fingers swiftly clacking on the keyboard.

It was time, Rachel thought. It’d been well over a year since Finn’s death and the last time the Glee Club had had a real get-together was at Thanksgiving the previous year. She grinned. Back in the day, she and Brit had always been the party planners, Santana was the one who directed like Mr. Schue and Kurt was always, at his own insistence, the decorator/second chair planner. She’d mentioned something to Kurt in passing about getting together in the near future and Kurt had agreed, but he’d need to carve out some time and these days that was even harder than when he was still in school. Writing a book, teaching, commuting between San Diego and LA…..but he told Rachel he’d honestly think about it and suggested California as the setting as so many of their former members lived there. He’d even discussed using their house with Javi. He was all for it! He knew he and Kurt were both working too hard. They both needed a break.

Maybe around the beginning of June? Sort of a nice reminder of when they were in school and summer vacation stretched before them, a blank slate of free time, which none of them had anymore, but most certainly treasured the memories of. Tap, tap, tap…she added that to her ever-growing list. Perhaps What I’m Going to do on My Summer Vacation as a theme? Despite “allowing” his position as second chair planner, Kurt’s input was necessary. And besides, he’d certainly have all kinds of ideas and she knew he’d give that raised eyebrow look and single hand on hip stance if she didn’t keep him in the loop.

When Jeff and Blaine got back to the apartment, Jeff had headed for the fridge, grabbing a soft drink for them both. A beer sounded better, but he wanted them both to be clear-headed. He wanted to hear it all over again from Blaine. There would be no shoving this aside, hoping it would be forgotten. Blaine was clearly shaken by the experience.

“Okay, Blaine,” he said, as they got comfortable on the couch, “please tell me again what happened, everything you can think of,” Blaine sighed and gave Jeff a do I have to look. Jeff set his drink on a stone coaster and gathered Blaine to his side, talking into his hair, “It’s going to be okay. Whatever…it’s going to be okay.”

Blaine cozied into the warmth of Jeff’s body and the reassurance of his arms, lacing his fingers through Jeff’s. Blaine knew it might not really ever be okay, but the snugness of Jeff’s body pressed against his, the flutter of his hair as Jeff breathed into it, had a calming effect. As Blaine repeated his description of what had happened in the bedroom just yards away from where they sat, most of it sounded the same but with a few more details.

“So, you haven’t been in the room again, right?” Jeff asked. “No…I should have gone back to get the picture. It’s on the floor and if it’s broken I don’t want either of us to accidentally step on the glass. I really should have gone back in there and cleaned it up, but…” Jeff put a finger to Blaine’s lips, “You don’t have to explain. I get why.” They both went silent again until Jeff said, “Maybe we should just leave the room as is for tonight. I can always clean it up tomorrow. We’re both exhausted and need some sleep.” Blaine nodded his head against Jeff’s shoulder. “Yeah, I guess that’s okay, but….” “No more tonight, babe. Come on….come sleep with me. I’ve missed you and I don’t have to be at work until 3 tomorrow,” Jeff said in a voice suggesting something more than just sleep, hoping to distract Blaine’s mind….well, partially anyway. He really did miss him…them.

Blaine closed his eyes for a minute imagining how wonderful it would feel to fall asleep in Jeff’s arms. To make love and murmur pillow talk as they slipped into a contented slumber. J was right, he was exhausted, but he missed him just as much.

Ignoring the room as they passed it, Jeff reached for Blaine’s hand holding it firmly until they arrived at their bedroom. “Come here,” Jeff murmured, the longing in his voice evident. As they slowly undressed each other, the pieces of unfettered clothing dropping to the floor, their eyes met and held. Words weren’t required as that spark ignited, driving all thoughts of spooky rooms and exhaustion away.

“Blaine…you’re as gorgeous as the first time I laid eyes on you.” Jeff said as he drew Blaine’s supple lips to his for a slow, hungry kiss. And Blaine responded, wrapping his arms around Jeff’s neck, walking them backwards. As they toppled onto the bed, Blaine broke the kiss just barely, breathing, “I love it when you seduce me in that Oklahoma twang.”

The weight of Jeff’s bare body only fed the flame, Blaine smothering Jeff’s open mouth with his own. As their tongues danced, Blaine rolled them onto their sides, tiptoeing his hand the length of Jeff’s nakedness. Jeff whispered a groan and turned onto his back, placing his own hand over Blaine’s, making slow circles across his chest and belly.

As the circles grew wider and his lover’s fingers slipped over and around Jeff’s sensitive nipples, he could feel Blaine’s hard-on pressing against his side. Instinctively, he started to release Blaine’s hand, only wanting to touch the most vulnerable part of Blaine’s body, but Blaine stopped him. Apparently, Blaine had other plans. Jeff’s closed eyelids became a movie screen for his imagination, eager for the next scene.

Somewhat reluctantly, Blaine drew his lips away from Jeff’s and put them to use traveling the length of Jeff’s upper torso. He nuzzled the hollow of Jeff’s neck, counting the steady heartbeats against his lips. Jeff relaxed into the practiced hand still caressing his chest and belly. Blaine played a game of Hesitation, moving his hand lower…then a little lower….and then skittering away when he felt Jeff respond. It was driving him crazy! He wanted to roughly shove Blaine’s hand downward…..and yet he enjoyed the sweet agony. Blaine persisted….waiting….waiting….waiting….yes! for that, the begging moan, the heave of Jeff’s pelvis.

He moved his hand until his fluttering fingers barely brushed against the base of Jeff’s swollen cock and then licked his index finger. The finger became a focal point as its tip traveled from the base, up and over his concave belly, to a single nipple. He traced outside of the nut-brown nipple in circles, listening to Jeff’s shallow breathing….

anticipating…expecting…..craving Blaine’s lips, his warm and slippery tongue stroking his nipple….and then the finger joining the tongue in petting….prodding….and oh god! toying with his nipple. This always drove Jeff wild!

They’d played variations of this game many times. The torture was exquisite, but inevitably he’d plead for that hand and those lips to move downward until they engulfed his prick. “Blaine…..” Jeff breathed.

Still playing Jeff’s nipple with his tongue, Blaine’s hand slid down until he was gripping the base of his cock, still snacking on the sensitive nipple with his teeth….until Jeff said his name again…uhhhhh! he could listen to Jeff say his name like that a million times.

And then….Blaine’s lips and mouth engulfed his hardness, sliding them knowingly from top to bottom. Slowly…..slowly….taking time to caress his balls with his other hand….then slipping a finger between his lips and Jeff’s prick drawing the finger under the rim of the head of his cock round and round….over and over. Jeff had had a few partners before Blaine, but none had ever discovered this method of bringing him to a climax.

As Jeff came, Blaine thrust his mouth and tongue down to the base, allowing Jeff his seconds of ecstasy…..loving the way he could please him….simply loving him the way he loved him.

Jeff now lay limp on the rumpled comforter, his arms and legs carelessly sprawled. A feast for the eyes, Blaine thought as he reached for the scented oil they always kept on the nightstand. Jeff displaying no resistance, Blaine pivoted him onto his belly.

Pouring the sweet-smelling oil into the palm of his hand, he spread it over his toned cheeks, repeatedly running only one oily finger along his crack from top to bottom. Placing a hand on each ass cheek, he spread them apart slightly, slipping his rigid cock into the crevice and moaning, wanting more.

I need this! I need you, Jeff! his brain howled using the oil to create just enough slipperiness combined with the right amount of friction. He felt the fingers of one of Jeff’s hands clasping his own fingers tightly, sharing in Blaine’s need and desire. The rush of coming……his whole body shuddered and then…..

Blaine lay atop Jeff’s back, catching his breath and listening to Jeff’s at the same time, feeling satisfied, complete and content. Yes, life was taking some strange turns, but from the beginning their love had gained strength.

As Blaine rolled over into the softness of the mattress, his eyes met Jeff’s quiet smile and he moved over to kiss his eyelids. “If I haven’t mentioned it yet today, I love you, J.” He caressed his black stubble and then his neck and down his shoulder. “You arrived in my life at just the right time and now look at us…our dreams are coming true! Well, I guess my dream is coming true….I’ve never really asked, what’s your dream? You were already established when I met you. Did you always want to be a PA?” Jeff laughed. “Not specifically a PA, but I knew before I hit my teens that I wanted to work in medicine. Being a doctor or a nurse didn’t really speak to me though. It really just sort of came naturally, I guess. I loved science, math, biology, almost everything a PA needs to be strong in. And when I started at OCU, I did some research on the future of being a PA, liked what I saw and here I am. Not quite as glamorous as being an actor/singer/dancer and whatever else you do, but it works for me.”

His gaze settled on Blaine’s colorful eyes; they looked relaxed, maybe not carefree, but happy. “It works for us and that’s even more important to me.” He maintained eye contact, his own eyes softening as with a rush of love he said, “if I ever had a dream…..and I know this sounds terribly corny….but you’re my dream, Blaine. No one else ever…..quite fit, ya know?”

Blaine slid closer to the warmth and comfort of Jeff’s body, nodding his head. “Like I said, we met at just the right time. I was finally getting my act together, working through past relationship issues, trying to figure out which direction I was moving in or if I was moving in one at all. When I met you? How do I say this….you weren’t Kurt…and you definitely weren’t Barry. It’s almost like….” Blaine stopped for a minute gathering his thoughts, “you were a whole new book, not just a new chapter. It was like I could finally close that book that I still haven’t found a title for. I could almost see your named stamped on a new book cover…..and that sounds pretty corny, too….but I was ready for you.”

Reaching for each other at the same time, they closed the gap between them, folding themselves into each other’s bodies. Jeff kissed Blaine’s forehead. Was now the time to bring up these strange feelings he’d been having about Kurt? They had so little time for moments like these when their hearts and minds seemed to be touching…when the act of lovemaking opened them up to each other completely…when they felt safe saying what was on their minds.

“Blaine, I have something I’ve been wanting to talk about….but there’s never enough time to think, to talk…” “What is it, babe?” “Well, since you brought up Kurt….um, do you mind if I say something…about him, I mean?” Blaine gave him an affirming kiss and nodded.

“Um…I really like Kurt; he’s a nice guy. But something has been bugging me about him lately and I can’t put my finger on it. I wish I could be more specific, but let me give you my analogy. When I see you two together, it’s like watching two worn pieces of a jigsaw puzzle trying to fit together…and you do to a point, but not completely. I know that sounds like something I should be okay with, but it feels strange to me….God! I wish I could make sense of this…”

“J, first of all, if you have any thoughts that Kurt and I would ever be a couple again, please….it’s not going to happen. I know we’ve talked about this….but maybe it’s just watching me with an old boyfriend”…..Jeff interrupted, “Not just an old boyfriend, Blaine…” “Okay, he was my first love…and sure we considered ourselves soulmates, but maybe we look like two pieces of a puzzle that almost but not quite fit together because that’s what we are. For those who know our past we’ll probably always look that way, not because we still fit together in the puzzle, but because we once did. You said it was like worn puzzle pieces. And I guess that’s kinda what we are. There’s a lot of wear and tear between Kurt and me. But as far as I’m concerned the only puzzle we’ll ever fit in together is a brand-new one. And you’ll be the only piece that works for me. The piece that I don’t have to “try” to fit into. There was a time when I couldn’t have said this, but if Kurt and I ever end up as friends, it’ll have to be completely okay with you. And I know that’s the way Kurt and Javi feel about it; it’s been stated very plainly.”

“I’m learning to look at my past relationships with Kurt and Barry as life lessons. Something I can build on so that I never, ever hurt you like I did Kurt and that I never, ever allow my insecurities to lead me into another Barry situation. Does that help you make sense of whatever you’re feeling?”

“Yeah,” Jeff said rather surprised that it might really be that simple, “but let me think about it some more. Thanks, babe, that does help.” After a few more minutes of quiet chatter, they drifted off to sleep, Jeff contentedly spooning his lover.

“Belita, slow down! Take a breath,” Javi said to his sister noting her worried eyes on FaceTime, “Now, is it mama or papa?” He still wasn’t sure he understood anything she was saying, except that it involved their parents. “It’s…..everybody Javi!” She took another breath, closed her eyes and released it. “I don’t know what to do! Mama wants to come stay with me for awhile….” Their mother wanted to visit CDMX (Mexico City)? She hated big cities. She’d probably been outside of Quintana Roo only a handful of times in her entire life.

“Okay, but why?” Javi queried trying to keep any hint of alarm from his voice. Again, Belita attempted to calm herself. “Let me start at the beginning and stop babbling, mi hermano mayor (big brother). We…me and Eduardo…we finally convinced Enrique to visit mama. We assured him that papa didn’t have to be there. That maybe mama could meet him somewhere besides la casa. So, I went to visit for a few days, pretending to take mama for a little vacation trip to Puerto Morelos where we’d meet with Rico. We made it there okay and had spent the evening catching up with Rico. Oh, Javi! Mama was beside herself she was so happy.” Javi remained quiet….he could hear a but coming. “And?” he said.

Belita was fighting to control her tears, “Papa showed up with Eduardo! Apparently, Lalo (nickname for Eduardo) misunderstood the plan. What a mess, Javito! He went to the house planning to meet up with us but of course we weren’t there. Before he could regroup and get his story straight, papa confronted him wondering why he was there when he was supposed to be in Puerto Morelos with us. Papa could tell something was up. You know Lalo wears everything on his sleeve. He tried to make excuses, but papa finally forced the truth out of him.”

“Javi, he was livid! Poor Lalo, he looked so guilty when they arrived, like he wanted to crawl under a rock. Anyway, papa glared at Rico and then looked at mama and pronounced that she was leaving with him right then. He started to take her hand and she refused! She stood up, took him firmly by the arm and led him to somewhere private so they could talk. When they returned papa wasn’t much calmer and mama announced that she wasn’t going back home with him. God, Javi! We all looked at each other not knowing what to do….and then all of sudden we were all offering to take her home with us….and papa kept insisting she was going back to Quintana Roo with him.”

“I finally got a word in stating we were creating an embarrassing scene…and then Lalo regained his tongue and told papa firmly and quietly that he would take care of mama, that she was staying in Puerto Morelos, and instructed papa to go home. It was awful, Javi! He looked at each one of us like he was accusing us of deserting him. Then, he turned around, slammed the car door and went home.”

“Poor mama! She kept saying she wasn’t going back until she was able to see her children as she pleased. Everybody finally simmered down enough to have a reasonable conversation and she asked if she could stay with me. Lalo kept insisting that she come stay with him in Chetumal and Rico wanted her to stay with him and continue their catching up….and she decided to do that for a couple of weeks and then asked if she could stay with me.”

“And of course she can! But what is she going to do here while I’m at work? This is an indefinite stay until she works things out with papa, she says. But, Javi? How is she going to work things out, if that’s even possible, if she’s here and he’s in Quintana Roo?”

Javi was at a loss for words. He wanted to be there, to help his sister and his mama. But he couldn’t just up and leave in the middle of Reinventing Your Sins for an extended period. Of course, he had an understudy who could take over for a short period, but he knew that part of the draw to the play were the seven starring roles, his being one of them. Every person in the audience had their favorite star, of course, and they came primarily to see that character.

“Belita, I….” “Javi, I know you can’t leave LA right now…and I don’t want you to. But I had to let you know! I don’t know what’s going to happen and I honestly don’t mind having mama here for as long as she likes, but eventually she’s going to get tired of this condo and I know how she hates going out in the City. She’ll start missing her home, which papa refuses to leave, by the way. He said it was her decision to leave, not his. It’s all just such a mess.”

“Bela, let me think about this and I’ll help in any way I can, you know that. In the meantime, we’ll talk or text or FaceTime. I don’t want you to deal with this alone and I don’t know how much help Rico or Lalo will be, but we’ll work it out…and so will mama and papa.” He didn’t add that none of them may like the outcome.

“Hey my little tomcat. Miss me yet? 😻”

Kurt looked down at his phone and chuckled, “Every minute of every day I’m not with you lovebug. And neither of us have time to play 😿maybe later?”

“Definitely later. I just wanted to let you know that there’s a disturbance in the force down in Mexico, family stuff. I might need to talk later….too…as in addition to?”

Kurt laughed again, not just at his reference to play plus, but also his reference to Star Wars. Although Javi loved Star Wars, Kurt always had a hard time picturing it. “You know I’m always available for listening and play plus. I’m very good at multitasking. Are you okay?”

“Yeah fine but gotta go soon. As you know Lust awaits! In more ways than one. 😋😋😋😋😋 Yummmmmmm”

Kurt replied with “😘😘😘😘😘” and returned to finishing up his notes for later.

Adam walked through the door as always, having disposed with knocking a long time ago. “Chef Adam to the rescue with snacks!” he yelled, setting their contribution to class this week on a kitchen counter. They found Kurt in the media room as usual waiting for everyone to arrive.

“Hey guys!” Kurt glanced at Ethan, “So did he spend all afternoon making enough to feed an army?” Ethan laughed, “No, just half an army.” “Well, I could just run over to Wal-Mart, pick up some day old sandwiches and pastry from the deli and bakery, ” Adam said, trying to appear wounded, “I didn’t have to make my homemade cheese crackers and caramel corn, so why don’t I just take them to the car. Ethan can you help me?” Ethan laughed and said, “Oh, stop pouting! You know we always have a full house whenever they know you’re bringing the munchies.” Now it was Kurt’s turn to chuckle, “In that case, we’ll just skip the class discussion altogether and pig out!” “Geez,” Ethan said shaking his head, “How you two didn’t wind up together is beyond me. You’re the perfect example of opposites attracting.” Adam and Kurt looked at each other in mock horror, laughing again. “Too much opposite and not enough attraction I guess!” Kurt chortled.

As the rest of the class arrived, they settled on the floor or in chairs with their plates of goodies, notebooks or laptops open. They glanced expectantly at Kurt who drew their attention to the coffee table. Six papers lay on the table facedown. After a few minutes of chitchat easing into a comfortable space for class, Kurt spoke up. “Okay, these are the results of the assignment plus one. I added a sixth one I’ve written just in case you happen to pick up your own. If more than one of you happens to pick up your own, I have another I’ve written as well.”

“So, last week we discussed the word “taboo” and what it means. I asked that as you wrote your fantasy to remember the definition. When it comes to consenting adults, and especially in a trusting relationship, it’s an ongoing, but necessary, process to rid your relationship of taboos. Is it easy? We all know the answer to that.”

“Fantasies by definition rely on taboos. We want to try something that we think or know others may find totally unacceptable. We hide them away and don’t talk about them out of fear. But trust should drive out fear, right? Again, I know, easier said than done.

So, as you engage with the fantasy you’ve chosen, discuss what, if anything, you find uncomfortable, unacceptable, yes, even disgusting or morally wrong. Examine the flip side as well. What do you like, what turns you on. Write it down! I can’t say it enough. It’s the best way to go back and see where you’ve come from and where you’re going.”

Kurt’s eyes moved from person to person, friend to friend, student to student, “and I’m….no we…Javi and I are still learning this. We’ll never stop learning if we want our relationship to grow.” It was a simple fact, everyone had a different reaction when they were captured by Kurt’s gaze. Those eyes – they could be comforting, friendly, encouraging for some, and for others piercing, sometimes disturbing – it all depended on how you felt about the topic up for discussion.

“Now, there are two purposes for this lesson. The first is to read these fantasies with an eye towards what it might look like or feel like. Take notes. Try to employ all of your senses, touch, taste, smell, hearing and sight. You may choose to act out the fantasy or not. And I’m giving us all two weeks for this assignment to give you all time to immerse yourself in it. And yes, I’m going to participate in this assignment as well.”

Everyone sort of looked at each other, some feeling a little uncomfortable and others surprised that Kurt was including himself in his own assignment. He’d only done this a couple of times, but the result had always been a very candid discussion after the assignment had been completed. The group had been together long enough that they were pretty much at ease with each other. Oh, there always seemed to be a touch of uneasiness when anticipating a discussion. But, they wouldn’t be discussing their fantasies tonight. Last week’s lesson would be the topic and most felt pretty confident in their capabilities to participate in this conversation. Part 2 of how to employ the senses to their fullest advantage was the matter at hand.

At Kurt’s instruction everyone reached for one of the papers on the table and scanned the fantasy. There was some murmuring and even some laughter. One couple had picked up their own so they reached for the last one, laughing after reading it. “Maybe we should have stuck to our own,” Brock said to his partner. Kurt had barely glanced at his, but knew it wasn’t his own and decided to wait until later to read it. After giving everyone a chance to peruse the fantasy they’d chosen at random, he drew everyone’s attention back to himself and began the discussion for this week. “Now, we all know what the five senses are. Does anyone have a favorite?”

God, he hated insomnia! Their hectic lives simply weren’t conducive to a good night’s sleep. And he also knew that if he laid here he’d never get back to sleep, so he got up, heading for the kitchen to make himself a cup of camomile tea. While he was waiting for it to steep, he walked back down the hallway to the troublesome bedroom, hesitated for a moment and told himself to walk away, that opening that door certainly wouldn’t send him back to the Land of Nod. But instead he unlocked it. It was completely dark except for the sliver of street light gleaming through the window.

The smell of paint lingered of course. Everything had been left untouched. Still standing in the doorway, he allowed his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. Hesitating, he chided himself – it’s a room for God’s sake! Taking some tentative steps, he walked towards the clump of furniture in the middle of the room. He unconsciously wrapped his arms around his bare chest as if in need of protection. He decided to take it one step further and gingerly sat down on the bed. Nothing seemed out of place really…well, not out of place for a room in the process of being painted. He sat there for a few minutes in the quiet listening….for what? Not knowing what and feeling a little foolish, he determined he’d at least put the lid back on the paint can and take it with him.

As he arose from the edge of the small bed, a twinkle of light caught his attention. Meer inches from his hand the framed photo lay in the middle of the bed broken in half with a chip of glass gone at one corner.

Thoughts of open paint cans were released into the air as he fled the room, almost slamming the door shut. With shaking fingers he locked it again and then checked it….again. He needed much more than a cup of tea! He rarely drank whiskey, but…..he quickly poured two fingers into a glass, feeling the burn as he swallowed hard. Taking a deep breath, his hands steadied, and then he poured a little more, sitting down at the kitchen table.

What was going on? That photo should have been on the floor! He knew it hadn’t been picked up! He was positive! Finally, taking what was left of his whiskey with him, he propped his pillow against the oak headboard and carefully got back under the covers. No point in waking him up, too. And the whiskey seemed to be working its magic.

He barely touched his quietly slumbering partner’s shoulder. It was meant to reassure him…..but for whatever was going on in that bedroom they’d need more than whiskey and reassuring touches….much more. Swallowing the last of the whiskey, he tried to get comfortable, curling into the warmth of his lover without awakening him. He wasn’t much for prayers, but a whispered prayer for protection escaped his lips. Closing his eyes, he hoped that whoever was in control of this world was listening.

But….what were they gonna do? How could they deal with whatever this was? And then suddenly the lyrics to that silly song and sillier movie leapt into his foggy consciousness. Even though this was still no laughing matter, he couldn’t help but quietly chuckle to himself…Who Ya Gonna Call –

⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔⛔

**See Chapter 20 Foundational Cake Baking in the story Everything Changed for an explanation of what it means.

***Song and lyrics may be found in chapter 51 of Everything Changed (Todo Cambio), Between the Sun and Mercury.

Again, Kurt examined the ruled lines staring back at him…..thirty minutes of nothing. Then, head resting on a hand, he brought up a Word document on his laptop. Blink….blink….blink, the cursor nagged, “Okay, what’s next?” He remembered when the words simply flowed when he wrote in his journals, when his laptop was simply a conduit for his thoughts and feelings. But lately it was like his ideas had taken a vacation. Maybe they were lying on a beach somewhere talking about how tired they were of Kurt’s neediness.

He’d joined a couple of writer’s groups; he liked to think of them as mutual sounding boards. This didn’t feel like what he perceived writer’s block to be. And his fellow writers had tried putting it into perspective. They posited that when he was just writing for himself there was no pressure. He was writing to benefit himself only. Now, it was his job, along with teaching. He felt like he was constantly preparing for his audience, either his twice weekly classes or his future readers, except his performance wasn’t on a stage or in person. Writing could be a lonely job. There was no instant gratification, no applause, no one begging you to sing their favorite song. It was just you, and in Kurt’s case, his classes. Sure, people encouraged him, telling him what a great job he was doing and how they couldn’t wait to read the book. He’d even written down some of the comments, hoping rereading what had been said would boost his spirits. Sometimes it did, but lately when it was just him at the kitchen table, his mind would wander.

He’d gotten stuck on the subject of fantasies…not that that was necessarily a bad subject to be stuck on, but he didn’t want his book to be so much about specific fantasies they’d created, but rather how to create your own fantasies based on your individual relationship. His book was based on the how of creating a strong relationship and then building on it from that foundation up.

Just because fantasies were an integral part of he and Javi’s relationship didn’t mean they had to be for everyone. But what other ideas could he present for those who weren’t really into fantasy? The bedrock of honesty, trust, effective communication, and love were obviously great cornerstones, but he wondered, did you have to tell your partner everything? What if you felt uneasy about a fantasy or anything for that matter, afraid of what your partner’s reaction would be if they knew? After all, they were imperfect humans trying their best to apply CHETL (the acronym for the cornerstones) to their relationships. It was unrealistic to expect a person to be strong in all four; everyone had at least one weakness. His was trust.

And what should you avoid telling them? If it was different for each couple how did you decide what not to tell them? Could you ask them? That idea seemed to negate the original questions all together! He was getting nowhere with this. Irritated, he shut his laptop and his notebook. Maybe he needed to get out of this apartment – it wasn’t anywhere near as welcoming as their house in San Diego. In fact, lots of times it felt like living in a hotel room. He grabbed his backpack, two water bottles and a few snacks. He’d find a shady tree or maybe even play on the swings! Sometimes recapturing bits of his childhood cleared his mind allowing creativity to flow.

Jeff still couldn’t get a handle on why he had this unsettling feeling about Kurt…. and Blaine. He wanted to believe it was just something about Kurt alone, but his imagination wasn’t very convincing. He kept seeing the two of them together at Deni’s surprise party. It was nothing so overt as flirting; that he could understand being upset about. And from what Blaine had told him of their recent past a true friendship was still somewhere beyond the horizon. He assumed the sensitivity of Blaine’s temperature gauge was far better than his own when it came to Kurt. Not anywhere near 98.6 according to Blaine. At best, Kurt was still tiptoeing around Blaine, trying to decide if it was even safe to knock on the door.

But Blaine had also commented on a significant change he’d noticed. He said that Kurt wasn’t as uptight as he used to be. He seemed……freer? Blaine told him it appeared that Kurt’s PDA level had dramatically changed. When they’d been together, Kurt would occasionally hold his hand in public….he might even allow his arm to slip around Blaine’s shoulders, but those moments were to be treasured. Watching him now it was hard to believe. He and Javi weren’t nauseatingly demonstrative, but they weren’t afraid to show their mutual affection either. And they didn’t even need to be touching! Blaine fought to find words to describe it, but he’d said it was like….there was some sort of invisible force field?….magnetism?….holding them together. Like…they didn’t need physical contact to appear connected. But why should he feel threatened by that? It wasn’t what he’d seen between Kurt and Blaine.

Yet….his analogy of worn jigsaw puzzle pieces was trapped in his head. Should he tell Blaine about his feelings when he was unsure of what they were to begin with or give it some more time and space? As thrilled as he was that Blaine had landed his permanent roles in the play, their now combined messy schedules were wreaking havoc on what had already been their three-ring-circus life. Blaine was at the theater six nights a week most of the time and sometimes a matinee on the weekends. And the physical demands took as much of a toll on Blaine as Jeff’s job did on Jeff. No, he needed to carve some time out of the limited free hours he had to think. Springing these questions….doubts maybe?….on Blaine without more thought on his part wasn’t fair. He downed the last sip of cold coffee, sticking an energy bar in his pocket. Surgery awaited!

Javi unlocked the door, juggling his satchel, a bottle of wine and a bouquet of yellow roses, dropping the satchel on the inside of the open door. He’d received a short text earlier, very un-Kurt-like, “At the park be home around 5.” Not a single emoji; not even a smiley face. A blue Post-It note was stuck to one of the kitchen counters bearing basically the same message. No X’s and O’s, no hearts…..considerate as always, but…..he mentally shrugged his shoulders.

Assuming the off-day it appeared his partner was having didn’t extend to his usual punctuality, he’d ordered Kurt’s favorite pizza, supreme without anchovies.

In three hours he’d be in full makeup again, assuming his role as Lust, but he made every effort to spend time with Kurt on a daily basis. He’d never realized how labor-intensive a play could be. Kurt had bent over backwards to accommodate Javi’s desire to follow Reinventing Your Sins to LA. Kurt may be a homebody at heart, but Javi knew the place that he called home wasn’t this utilitarian apartment. It was in San Diego where most of their friends were, where if he needed a mini escape from writing, he could take a swim or sit by the pool, their backyard being home to a mixed bouquet of flowers and a cacophony of chirping birds.

Here, Javi would almost always find him in one of two places. At the apartment-sized kitchen table, hunkered over his laptop and notebooks or propped up against the headboard of their bed dictating his lesson plans for the following week. Sometimes Kurt was so absorbed in what he was doing that Javi could stand at the bedroom door and observe. Watching his Kurtito was still one of his favorite pastimes and the fact that he could call him “his” could still bring tears to the eyes of this Mexican man who according to his father should never, ever cry.

Pulling a chair away from the table he took a seat noticing the HP laptop and red notebook uncharacteristically sitting on the table. That was also unlike Kurt. He was a place for everything and everything in its place type of person. And he almost picked them up to take them to their assigned place. But then he remembered Kurt’s odd behavior and decided to leave them alone. Most of the time, Kurt would laugh at Javi for doing such a thing, but he was pretty sure this was not one of those times.

He smiled to himself. Sometimes he’d call him Felix Unger, the character from the Odd Couple, practically cleaning up after himself before he completed whatever he was doing. And sure! It did get on his nerves once in a while, but if that was the worst thing he could say about his lover, he would consider himself blessed.

“Hey,” Kurt said as he walked through the door and leaned down to give Javi a perfunctory kiss. Hmmmm…..this wasn’t like Kurt either. He rarely greeted Javi with anything less than a warm, loving kiss and embrace and more often than not calling him some alliterative name he’d come up with on the spot like, hey hottie! or how’s my sexy Mexy! But now Kurt looked rather defeated and downcast. Even his eyes looked lackluster and it was nearly impossible for those kaleidoscope eyes to look anything other than fascinating.

Javi patted the chair beside him inviting Kurt to take a seat. Kurt smiled when his eyes lit on the big bouquet of roses lying there. “I love you so much!” he exclaimed, this time giving Javi a proper kiss. As Kurt went in search of a vase, Javi announced he’d ordered pizza, picking up the oven pads and opening the oven door. The smell of pepperoni and warm bread crust filled the air. Call me old-fashioned, he thought, but he’d grown up without a microwave and he’d never gotten used to reheating in one. An oven had been good enough for his mama and it was good enough for him. After grabbing a messy slice and taking a bite, allowing Kurt to gather his obviously preoccupied thoughts, he swallowed. “Okay, what’s up mi Kurtito,” he asked and placed a hand on one of Kurt’s.

Kurt sighed, “I don’t know.” Javi gave him an oh come on look. “No, I really don’t, Javi. I’m stuck on one of the chapters or maybe more than one. Like, what if a couple isn’t really into fantasy like we are? What are some other ways to keep your sex life alive? Or what if one’s interested in fantasy, but the other’s not? Maybe one is just interested in closeness but the sexual aspect isn’t a big deal for them? Obviously, compromise is the answer…but how?”

“And then I started wondering if you really have to tell your partner everything? I mean we usually create a fantasy to deal with some of the things that might be an issue, but we love fantasy, we love to create. What if your best form of communication is just conversation? Is there some safe space for one person to tell the other about a possible bone of contention without fear of the consequences? Is simply asking a good idea? Can you make a list of things you don’t want to discuss? God! I sound like my own counselor! I don’t want to be a psychiatrist, I just want to write a book about what we’ve learned together!” Kurt ran his hands through his thick ginger hair.

“Kurt, take a deep breath and slow down! Have you thought of this? You don’t have to have the answers for every possible scenario. As you’ve often pointed out couples can learn a lot of things from other material. I don’t know….maybe you could make a list of other resources for specific problems. You could bring up these questions in your classes and get some feedback. Make it clear you need to draw a line between what you can teach them and what you can’t? How about a list of concerns that they might encounter that they’ll have to work out for themselves…”

Javi made a valiant attempt to hide his worried expression. Kurt was such a perfectionist and usually suggesting he couldn’t do something would only make him want to do it more. But he was concerned that he might be confusing his passion with his mission.

“So, your mission is to share with others what you’ve learned from me, what I learned from Tonio and what we’re now learning together. Your passion is writing, si? Stick with that, mi amor. Maybe we could build a fantasy around writing and…..”

Kurt laughed, “Sometimes you’re so funny! I could call my notebooks naked notebooks? Or maybe I could name my laptop my lewd and lascivious laptop? Or toss out a list of wicked passwords?” His razor sharp wit revealing itself. And at first Javi sort of agreed with him, it did sound pretty silly…but then he thought well why not? That was their favorite way to deal with problems. Why couldn’t they create a fantasy somehow involving writing? Sure, the word “writing” all by itself seemed rather boring, but wasn’t that what fantasy was? Dressing up the every day and turning it into a special event?

“No, Kurtito, really, why not? Sure, it may sound like a rather strange thing to fantasize about, but that’s what fantasy is, strange, different, right? It doesn’t have to be literally, no pun intended, about writing…come on! We’re good at this, remember?” “Well, yeah….I guess…” Kurt said, still not quite convinced.

Blaine observed their second guest room from the door. He sighed as he purposefully carried a can of paint and a roller and pan into the room that Jeff’s sister, Jersey, would be using for her upcoming visit. After hours of going through paint swatches, they’d finally decided on a color. “Geez! Who knew there were so many shades of celery?” Jeff said. “I grew up with maybe five shades of green; celery was what I picked from the garden!”

Reinventing Your Sins had led to Blaine also having to reinvent any semblance of the schedule he’d once had. Last Sunday, he had taped off the floor and ceiling edges and thrown down some drop clothes. The room wasn’t that big, but painting it in between the meeting with Bill and then performing tonight felt daunting. So he’d forced himself to pick up the paint can, then the roller, marching himself down the hallway. He could at least get a wall or maybe two painted before tonight’s performance.

Prying the lid off the paint can with a screwdriver, he stood up, slowly surveying each wall. What few pictures that had decorated the walls were now resting in the hallway. He chuckled to himself. The last time he’d been in this room other than the previous Sunday, was the night he and Jeff had “christened” it. Candles, a bottle of wine, sensual music, and most importantly hours of time….they’d thrown sleeping bags down on the floor as Jeff had suggested, for variety. But the sleeping bags had gone unused. The bed was far more comfortable, and despite it being only a double bed, they’d discovered plenty of variety! Of course, they’d had to figure out how to get wine stains out of the comforter….and somehow they’d gotten candle wax on the floor that had to be scraped up without scratching the floor….yeah, somehow, Blaine laughed. Candle wax, who knew? Ice was a fun idea, too, according to Jeff. Next time maybe?

But other than that, he hadn’t really spent much time in here since he’d given Kurt the tour. Jeff used it occasionally to crash after long shifts, but other than that it got little use.

At first, going through the motions of painting was therapeutic. He had music playing in the background that added to the perceived therapy. He’d chosen a mix of the Glee Club’s playlists. He could still see Finn soooo very alive singing Paradise By the Dashboard Light….and it still hurt his heart knowing he’d never hear that vibrant voice or see him so carefree ever again.

He was jarred back to the present when a wave of…..light-headedness? struck him. Hadn’t he opened every window throughout the apartment to create circulation? He stumbled to the bed to sit down, but then thought better of it and decided to get out of the room altogether for some fresh air. He’d find their floor fan; he should have thought of that before, he chastised himself. But, he needed a break anyway and he could open the window in the room he was painting when he returned. He could have sworn he’d opened it, but….better to get out of the room first. The smell of the paint didn’t seem overbearing…..get some fresh air, Blaine, his commonsense murmured.

Opening the fridge, his body embraced the coolness, as he grabbed a Dr. Pepper and took a seat in his favorite chair. Oh, ice! He pulled on the freezer door and tossed a couple of cubes into a glass, and then poured the soda. Sitting down again, slowly the cloudy feeling began to dissipate. Maybe he was just overtired. Fifteen minutes, that’s all I need, he thought as he leaned back. He wanted to at least complete the one wall he’d started. Grabbing the fan from the coat closet, he circled the apartment checking to make sure all of the windows were still open. He could clearly feel the ventilation as he made his rounds.

Back in the room that was his work in progress, he quickly checked the window, positive he’d find in open. But it wasn’t open… It was closed; even the latches were in place. Okay, well, maybe he was more than just a little overtired. He quickly unlatched the window and drew it up a little higher than he thought he’d done the first time. The cool air hit his face like a welcome breeze. After plugging it in and turning the fan on low, he took a deep breath, testing, and turned his attention to his project. Dang! He’d forgotten about the music. Oh, well, he only had about 45 minutes before he’d have to quit for the day anyway.

Humming to himself, he dipped the roller into the paint, liking their color choice already. It was the perfect color, soothing, subtle, warm. Kurt had been right! Definitely celery. Ten minutes later he’d fallen into a rhythm, almost wishing he didn’t have to perform tonight. I’m on a roll! He silently laughed at his own play on words.

Clatter, thump! Startled, Blaine quickly surveyed the room. What had fallen? He’d been extra careful to make sure that everything breakable was placed in the hallway before he started. All that remained was the bed, the nightstand and the dresser pulled to the center of the room. Maybe something was wrong with the fan. Puzzled, he scanned the hardwood floor….the picture! His friends from Glee Club stared up at him from the floor, the smiling faces almost seeming to mock him, laughing at his expense! Of course! He’d placed the glass-framed photo face down on the bed….but in the middle of the bed….covered with a pillow – he was absolutely sure! And there was the pillow still sitting on the bed exactly where he’d placed it.

Kurt was tired of writing his “how-to” about foundations and fantasies. He didn’t want to actually present he and Javi’s fantasies to their friends – that was a little too much or at least he thought so. The last thing he wanted was to think about their friends (his students!) viewing them through the eyes of their personal fantasies, or worse, trying their specific fantasies and then wanting to get into a discussion about them. He could hear it now, “Hey, guys! We tried _________ (fill in the blank, he thought) the other night…it didn’t work as well as we’d hoped. Any pointers?” And there were tons of books out there to help them construct fantasies anywhere from playful and romantic to down and dirty. He could see yet another list in the making.

But to illustrate maybe he could write a story like that as an example making sure his students knew it was fictional and not based on he and Javi’s love life in particular; it was up to them to believe it or not. Yet, he did want to try the idea out with Javi. Would he enjoy acting out a story using Kurt’s fiction as a template? What a silly question! Javi would enjoy trying almost anything and if he didn’t like it, he’d say so, that was a given.

Not realizing what he was doing, Blaine continued to stare at the photo, barely breathing. What the hell? He felt a chill run down his spine as he quickly placed the roller down, backing out of the room, finally standing outside of it. He hadn’t even taken the time to place the photo back on the bed or, what made even more sense, taken it with him. Was it intact? Were there any cracks in the frame? He didn’t know, but he wasn’t going back in there….not now…later maybe but not now. He quickly glanced around the room once more, knowing he should close the window, that he should take care of the paint can and the roller. But instead he closed the door and let out the breath he’d been holding.

MERRY-GO-ROUND

ACT 1: STEPHEN

They’d been pressed against the front door for at least five minutes, lips locked, half-giggling, half-moaning. Using a single hand to unlock the door behind him, they almost lost their footing, as the door opened onto the foyer. “I wonder if the neighbors enjoyed the show?” He laughed. “Like you care! You’re used to putting on a show…and even if the neighbors reported us, you’d probably go to jail just for the chance to be the neighborhood exhibitionist!” Stephen replied. Well, he could hardly argue with that, it was the absolute truth!

“Now, where were we?” Stephen said hurriedly. “Geez! At least let’s get our jackets off! I know I have a hot bod, but…..” Quickly, tossing their jackets on one of the kitchen chairs, Stephen’s low, husky laughter filled the air. “Oh yeah? You know that do you?” Stephen said with a wicked grin, “Then show me….maybe I’ve forgotten….maybe I need a refresher course…” Loosening buttons, the other quipped, “Oh shut up….how can I show you if you won’t shut…” the final thoughts halted by warm, persistent lips covering his own….and then by Stephen’s hungry fingers unzipping his pants and sliding beneath the waistband of the bikinis he wore, settling on his stiff cock and sensitive balls.

“Oh…..yes…..” the soft words escaped his lips, his knees starting to buckle as he was firmly pushed backwards flat against the living room wall. Had it really only been last weekend that they’d taken that short trip to Tijuana, barely leaving the hotel room, satisfying all their wanton desires? Gluttony and greed at the casino and the best part….fucking all weekend?

ACT 2 – ON THE ROAD AGAIN

He and Stephen had met a couple of years before at a photoshoot and become fast friends. Music and photography were not only their livelihoods, but also their singular passions. Creativity was their lifeblood. But it wasn’t until about a year ago that they’d become friends with benefits.

What a night that had been! The stage had been his playground and from the moment he’d walked down the stairs and into the spotlight the previously restless crowd turned into almost a unified force of nature! These were the audiences he lived for. Filling him to the brim with purpose, reminding him time and time again that some of the painful choices he’d had to make to get here were worth it all.

Camera in hand, Stephen positioned himself carefully not wanting to get in the way of the fans. Exceptional photography was dependent on so many things – timing, angles, lighting and tonight, in his case, the ability to follow his subject. The subject’s photogeneity meant nothing if you couldn’t keep up with their command of the stage. The challenge was almost like an aphrodisiac.

And the adrenaline rush didn’t end with the final encore. When they traveled as a team, they usually spent the after hours in the hotel bar and restaurant, exchanging anecdotes about the show and chatting with the late night staff.

Neither had been in a serious relationship for quite some time and, honestly, neither were interested in one. Living as they did? Suitcases always packed? Experience had taught them that 99% of the time someone would got hurt. Someday….maybe or…..maybe not.

Last call! he ordered one more drink and then went in search of the rest room. A few minutes later, rounding the corner back to their table he saw someone had taken his place opposite Stephen. A tall guy with reddish hair, a nice smile….maybe this was Stephen’s lucky night? Avoiding eye contact with his friend, he walked to the far end of the bar. His assumption was a groupie….or maybe just someone looking for a hookup. This was nothing new. And when the guy got up, leaving his friend with a pat on the shoulder, it pretty much confirmed his assumption.

“I’m going up to the room, Stephen,” he said when he rejoined his friend. “I’ll walk up with you,” was his reply. Stephen must be meeting the guy at his own room, he thought. It was only a few doors down from room 211. Sliding his keycard into the slot, Stephen said, “Mind if I come in for awhile, I’m just not tired yet.” “Sure, no problem, but what about…..” “Nah, that was a nonstarter, not my type.”

He’d seen the same scenario play out many times, but it rarely ended like this. He didn’t know Stephen had a type. Loneliness was the main reason they took advantage of groupies. Yeah, right! He took advantage of them? When it came to sex, groupies and the celebrities they followed were on a level playing field in his mind. They got another notch on their belt and he got to pretend for awhile that they weren’t just in it for the sex. They could be anything and anyone his imagination wanted them to be.

When they traveled together, loneliness wasn’t such an issue. They enjoyed each other’s company. And if one or both of them chose to sample what was so freely offered to them? Just one of the perks, right?

Stephen flopped down on the bed opposite the one his friend occupied. Maybe Stephen wasn’t tired yet, but sitting in another stiff-backed hotel room chair wasn’t his idea of comfort.

The movie menu appeared as he flipped the remote searching for something not too heavy, finally deciding on God’s Own Country, a British flick he’d heard was worth watching. Stephen nodded assent to his questioning look.

The movie was just getting interesting when Stephen heard what sounded like a soft snore. Chuckling to himself he glanced at his friend. His hand still holding the remote, he was sound asleep. Should he leave? The movie really was worth watching….and maybe only another half hour or so remained….he’d just turn out the lights. Walking around one side of the bed, he reached for the switch, and quietly attempted to slip the remote into his own hand. Stephen startled at the firm grasp! His companion had turned onto his side, unconsciously gripping Stephen’s hand in his sleep.

Oookkkaayyy…..Stephen slipped onto the floor not wanting to awaken him. He had to let go eventually. Keeping one eye on the movie and the other on his captured hand, his attention slowly shifted to his friend’s peaceful face. He really was a beautiful man….and not just physically…..he’d just never thought of him in “that” way. And how funny was that? The man had men and women (which he insisted didn’t stand a chance) falling at his feet, at the end of his bedpost if they could find a way to get there…..and here he was, one of his best friends. He didn’t have to hope or beg for his attention, it was just there!

Stephen quietly slid his hand out from the warmth of his friend’s loosening grip. He didn’t like where his mind was taking him….he’d finish watching the movie and leave.

He woke up with a start! Oh my god! They hadn’t been that drunk had they? Well, they were still in their clothes, so……

But why was Stephen lying beside him? The TV was still bleating. Where was the remote? Feeling around on the bed, he eventually located it beside Stephen’s hand, shut off the TV and set the remote on the nearby night table. Was Stephen a sleepwalker? Nothing like this had ever happened before and they’d shared rooms in more cities and towns than he could count. But after his initial surprise, his still groggy mind said, whatever, and he drifted back to sleep.

Mmmmm……a comforting arm lay across his chest….butterfly kisses caressed his face….he turned onto his side….intuitively reaching for…..who? Sleepily opening his eyes, they were met with eyes the same color as his own, gazing without inhibition, a teasing question mark in each of them. Relaxing into Stephen’s embrace, he tentatively returned his kisses, his mind whispering, “why not?”, his body surrendering without bothering to consider an answer to his own question.

They’d never talked much about fidelity, but they took the dangers of promiscuity seriously. Neither wanted or expected exclusivity. But they had talked about this – respect, protection, precautions. They weren’t in love; being in lust worked very well for them.

ACT 3 – STEPHEN

Hurriedly pushing the shirt away from that gorgeous expanse of chest, he ran his fingers through the soft carpet of hair, tweaking each nipple, circling the palm of a hand over the sensitive twin peaks. His body absorbed Stephen’s satisfying moans, while Stephen pushed his partner’s hand down to the button on his jeans, frantically helping him undo the annoying restriction of clothing. Breaking the kiss, they slid one pair of pants, then the other to the floor followed by their skimpy underwear.

With his partner flattened against the wall, Stephen captured his tongue between his lips, slowly sucking, firmly cradling his face in his hands……the sensation of immobility….his tongue mercilessly lodged between Stephen’s pulsing lips … was intoxicating. Stephen allowed the heat to build once again, both knowing what they wanted – they were like two animals, torn between prolonging the exquisite agony and needing the volcanic release.

Encircling their hard cocks in a single hand, still involuntarily pushing against each other, Stephen found their rhythm. God!!!! I could die like this! his willing friend thought….or better yet….I could live like this!….his fingers tickling the sensitive heads combining with Stephen’s pumping hand…..faster and faster….tighter and tighter….

And then he opened his eyes…..

ACT 4 – PAPERBACK WRITER

Stretching and yawning, he finally accepted how bone tired he really was. He’d spent the whole day attempting to write something worth reading. He supposed he’d made some progress, but it had been slow going. Finally, he’d flopped down on the couch only meaning to take a brief rest. Maybe a power nap would do the trick and jar some ideas that he knew existed in his brain out into the open. He didn’t expect his roommate to come home tonight. It was the weekend and that usually meant he’d disappear. Kurt never questioned where; in his mind it was none of his business. They were only roommates and he already had a mother.

They’d been roommates for about six months and his gaydar was usually pretty good, but he still wasn’t sure about his roomie. He’d seen him in social situations with both men and women and he seemed to be comfortable with either sex, but there was something about him. The information had never been offered and, being a private person himself, he’d never asked. Still….maybe he was bi? They’d met in a club one night when he was doing research for his book. He wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. He always laughed at that phrase now. One of his friends had jokingly said, “You’re as beautiful as a butterfly, but you’d rather stay in the cocoon!” Going out alone to bars took him outside of his comfort zone and he was all about comfort zones.

His first book had met with limited success, but success nonetheless. So, he’d gone in search of a roommate. His hope was that in doing so he could cut back to working only part-time, leaving twice as much time to devote to his latest venture. His writer’s group had been a possible source, but most of them were married. Should he get married? That would definitely provide a roommate, he chuckled at himself.

The club he’d chosen was an unknown to him. That had been intentional, too. He didn’t want to be interrupted by friends or acquaintances out for a night on the town. He wanted to shrink into a dark corner if he could find one and observe how people interacted. The club was in a gay community, making it appealing, but it wasn’t considered an exclusively gay club. He had his notebook beside him to jot down any ideas or impressions that might be helpful.

And live music was a definite plus! He liked to sample the variety of music this neighborhood offered. He would have preferred a quieter night, like a Thursday, but in order to gather intel for what he was writing, he needed a crowd or at least a lot of bodies to observe. He’d had his head buried in his notebook, his hand quickly writing down an idea when he heard a voice say, “Are you a reporter?” Looking up, he smiled at the questioner. “No, no, a writer…just gathering some ideas for a book.” “Oh, what kind of book?” was the next question, and then there was another and another until he couldn’t help but laugh and invited him to sit down. And the rest as they say far too often was history. Voila! A made-to-order roommate appeared!

ACT 5 – WHEN YOU’RE UP AGAINST THE WALL

No! Please God, no!!!! He didn’t want to see what he was seeing, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. What was he doing here? He was supposed to be on the other side of the country visiting family! This was so…..awkward! surreal! OMG!!!!! emb…well?!..hmmmmm….No! not really…it was actually sort of funny!…even comical! and then the try- anything-once part of his personality spoke up…..it’s kind of enjoyably obscene…..sinfully indecent! Zing! White heat traveled the length of his torso. How did that song go? Touchin’ you, touchin’ me, touchin’ you, God you’re touching me? It was like across the room their bodies had suddenly become irreversibly connected when their eyes met….this was crazy!

And reluctantly, he closed his eyes again….his hypersensitive body challenging him to turn his full attention back to the hands and lips accosting it.

ACT 6 – TRAPPED!

Kurt heard the clicking sound of the door being unlocked. What was he doing home? He was almost never home on a weekend….almost being the key word his sleep-addled brain hissed! When he got the call from his aunt he should have sent a text saying plans had changed….but he hadn’t. He’d been so concerned about his uncle and niece……and Aunt Olga insisted he didn’t need to be there. It would be better when everyone recovered. And he supposed she was right, there was absolutely nothing he could do back home. So his trip was off at least for the time being…but he’d never thought to send a text; he’d been so preoccupied with making note of room numbers and doctor’s names.

And now here he was, wide awake, trapped on the couch, while an apparent tryst occurred right in front of him! And hard as he tried he couldn’t find a way to make himself much smaller. The room was completely dark except for some light from the alcove windows. He hoped like hell that the lighting was dim enough that he couldn’t be seen, but so far it wasn’t working out that way for his couch-bound self.

They were almost directly in his line of vision. If this was anyone else he might find this funny and his roommate, Mr. Uninhibited, would probably laugh right along with him, but all he could think about was what he was trying not to watch and the explanations that would have to be made later. It was probably the only time in his life when he wished he was deaf and blind! And completely against his will he was getting a hard-on…

He was mesmerized, both of them now completely naked. And there was no longer any doubt that he was either bi or gay. Whoever was with him was definitely a man….with a body that just wouldn’t quit or at least not from his viewpoint from the rear. The dim lighting obscured his view only a little making it even more difficult to look away. He tried to convince himself he wasn’t enjoying this…..that being an unwilling voyeur wasn’t stimulating, but…as much as he didn’t want to think this way….it was hot! Incredibly hot!

His roommate was backed up against the wall on the far side of the room, his hands tightly gripping the other guy’s ass, his fingernails digging deep, kissing him passionately eliciting a powerful groan. His body shuddered as the reverberations traveled through his very core relinquishing power to his hand. They were frotting. He tried not release the whimper forming in his throat.

But it wasn’t his fault! his mind screamed trying to defend his involuntary reaction. His eyes were glued to the unknown guy’s ass alternating with his roommate’s face. The face he saw almost every morning at the breakfast table. Unconsciously, he squeezed his hand tighter around his prick seeking to satisfy his own lust……without making any noise whatsoever!

Then suddenly those familiar eyes popped open, having released their kiss, and he caught the steady stare from across the room. First it was a look of surprise, but then it slowly turned to a sort of gleeful self-satisfied glance. Like he was almost glad Kurt was there watching, like he was enjoying this unplanned exhibition for his eyes only, like he knew exactly what he was thinking and even more embarrassing, doing. No! He didn’t see what he thought he saw….was that a wink? Wow! No….it just wasn’t…..could he have really been that bold? And why? Then the eyes slipped closed appearing to again be oblivious to his roommate’s shocked presence, falling back into the cauldron of heat and lust between he and his partner.

ACT 7 – WINK!

Stepping from the warmth of the shower, he caught his reflection in the mirror while wrapping a bath sheet around his waist. His mind now clearer, he winked at himself, feeling even bolder than he had earlier. The next few minutes might be some sort of turning point and he’d wanted to be ready.

Towel-drying his tangled hair, he padded into the living room. There was Kurt, his eyes examining the ceiling, no pretense of pretending to be asleep. With a sheepish smile, he said, “…um I’m really sorry about…that…” “No, no, I should have texted you,” came the rush of words attempting to overcome the awkwardness of the moment, “I just got wrapped up in…” Kurt said haltingly and finally went on to explain why his trip was postponed, “and you do live here….it’s no big deal….” God, Kurt! Who are you kidding, of course it was a big deal!

Nervously gnawing his bottom lip, he thought, Hmmm….was now the time to try to gauge Kurt’s feelings? Did they go beyond friendship? Beyond just liking the guy who paid half the rent?

“Let me guess, you didn’t know for sure if I was gay, did you?” Not the first time this had happened. It was his life and his business. He didn’t see any need to declare it to a morbidly curious world. A heavy sigh, “Um, no, not exactly….I thought maybe ya know….but it’s none of my business really…..” Kurt’s words stumbled over each other. “Well, then, how about if I make it your business?”

“No!” the tension in Kurt’s voice evident, “you don’t have to do that…I just need to get better at communicating and remembering I don’t live alone anymore…” “Oookaaaay….so maybe I don’t need to do it…..but what if I want to?”

“Why would you want…look, now I know. Probably not the best way to find out…” Kurt sort of chuckled. So cute! Squirming in his own skin…..uncomfortable…very, very cute! Tearing his mind away from the cuteness factor, he reminded himself that he was dead serious about getting this out in the open. Maybe they had a chance at something meaningful or maybe not, but he’d never know if he didn’t walk through the door of opportunity he’d been given.

His feet metaphorically on the ledge, he took the plunge, “May I be blunt?” “Sure, I guess…” Kurt mumbled. “Tell me, what were you feeling watching us?” Kurt’s face flushed scarlet, “At first, embarrassed I guess? I kept imagining our conversation after..um, now…but then….” He rolled his eyes upward and sighed again, “well, you already know that it was a turn-on…I could see it in your eyes when you…um…” Geez! Why don’t you just get a bulldozer and complete the grave you’re digging?

“Has it ever occurred to you that I might find you attractive? That I might like it if you thought of me as more than just a roommate?” “But…,” Kurt protested, “we had this discussion when we met. We both said we were only interested in a roommate, a possible friendship. It’s one of the reasons I thought you might not be gay….or bi maybe.”

“And I knew you were gay and at the time I was glad to find the roommate I was looking for. But as I got to know you those feelings sort of changed and believe me…I tried to ignore them! The few times you went out on a date, if I was here, I found myself feeling jealous. I didn’t say anything because we’d both been so adamant about not wanting….anything….a romance….I….”

“Jealous? Really? But none of those “dates,” Kurt put in air quotes, “went anywhere…..” “But I didn’t know that was how it was going to turn out….” his roomie said, “I never wanted to admit it, but I was always relieved when you came home….I….”

Kurt couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “So..then last night…..that look in your eye when we made….um….eye contact…..you looked almost….how do I say this…..triumphant? Like….you were sort of saying….” “Like I was saying you could have this if you really wanted it…..yeah, triumphant probably fits.”

“You did wink at me, didn’t you? I wasn’t imagining it!” They both laughed. And then they went silent. “So….are you interested?” “I guess so, yeah….,” Kurt stumbled again trying to get used to the idea. He laughed, “Well, don’t be so enthusiastic!” “No, no, that’s not what I meant. I like what I know of you from the last six months….it’s just I haven’t thought of you…that way….I just wasn’t sure….”

“Wow, roomie!” Javi nudged Kurt’s shoulder, “So that’s the sample of how to create a fantasy you’re going to present to your class? Isn’t bringing another person into the mix like that a little….what am I trying to say…advanced? I mean even you and I haven’t fulfilled that kind of fantasy. And you’re going to ask them to write their own, no names, and then exchange them so no one knows which fantasy was written by who? Hmmmm….very interesting.”

“What did you mean when you said you’d like us to try this fantasy? Who’s going to be the so-called third party, lovebug? Who’s going to be watching whom? I can’t very well push myself up against a wall and pretend I’m having sex with someone who isn’t there, can I? You aren’t thinking of a blowup doll are you?” Javi was doing his best to get under Kurt’s skin, but Kurt wasn’t taking the bait.

“Look, I don’t know exactly how it’ll play out….we’re very good at pretending, ya know. Or maybe we can read the parts to each other as if we’re reading a story to create some heat.”

“You aren’t really serious about ever trying that are you? I mean not exactly a threesome, but….the whole voyeur thing? I’ve tried a lot of things, and I have to admit I’ve always been curious about voyeurism, but….Kurt, I don’t think I could handle watching you….or you watching me for that matter……I’m secure in our love but maybe not that secure…”

“No, of course I don’t want to actually do this literally, but….when I was writing it I was sort of thinking about….I can’t believe I’m saying this…..this is so NOT me or….it wasn’t me….”

“Someone watching us……that’s what you’re thinking aren’t you? Wow! You’re right! If the Kurt Hummel of a year ago would have said that? Geez, I don’t know how I’d have reacted! But neither one of us is who we were a year ago. You and I have considered things Tonio and I never….”

“We’re not having this discussion….we’re not! Who would we trust with….that. Not to mention who would we feel comfortable with watching….Javi, you have a career to think of! I realize you’ve managed to hide me for over a year, but we’re talking about…..I don’t know what we’re talking about! This is crazy!”

Blaine was surprised he’d actually made it through the play without screwing up any of his parts. With shaky hands he’d texted Jeff, having just locked the guest room door behind him. He felt ridiculous, but fear had overridden ridiculous by a long shot. He was meeting Jeff at IHOP at 11. He’d hesitated only a few seconds as he was texting Jeff wondering if talking to Kurt or Javi first might make more sense. And then he realized none of this made sense!

No! He lived with Jeff! The room was in their apartment. They’d figure this out together first…and then if they needed to they could always bring in other people. Now there was a laugh! Bring in other people? Suddenly, it felt like there were more “people” involved than there had been just this afternoon. As he opened the restaurant door, the scent of breakfast reminded him that no matter what he was hungry….and he desperately needed his lover now!

SURPRISE! – CHAPTER 1

Blaine and Jeff were so excited! They’d been invited to their first party in LA. These past four months had been beyond hectic. In fact, this party was the first social event they’d attend together since they’d arrived. Jeff had barely had a day off since they parked their newly purchased car in the parking garage of the high rise at Easton Apartments. But now he was past the mandatory three-month probation period at the hospital and was allowed to trade shifts with other PAs. The long weekend lay before them like a banquet of free time just waiting to be tasted and a party was just the way to start things off right!

Dress was casual, of course – wasn’t everything casual in California? Jeff had spent part of the day going through a palette of paint swatches chosen by Blaine. He was glad that Blaine had taken the initiative in choosing to paint some of the walls. Kurt had certainly been a tremendous help with that; he wasn’t Jeff’s type, but the man certainly had style! Even though Jeff was home so little, it still felt welcoming to walk into a place that wasn’t totally bland, completely vanilla with no character or hominess.

Jeff heard the click of the key in the door lock. He turned his head just as Blaine opened the door swishing through like he was being chased by a mountain lion. You’d never find one in LA, of course, but….”Are you ready?” he tossed the words at Jeff heading towards their bedroom with determination. “Hey, hey, hey! Not even a kiss? We don’t have to leave for at least three hours, boyfriend! And it’s only two floors down!”

Blaine stopped in his tracks and silently laughed at himself. He’d just finished with play rehearsal, but it was so unusual for Jeff to be home when he arrived that his mind hadn’t adjusted. He turned around, dropped his gym bag on the floor and took Jeff’s hands. Looking into his chocolatey brown eyes, he sat down on the couch beside him.

Sometimes he couldn’t believe how much he loved this man. It was a different kind of love than he’d had with Kurt, more mature, more grounded. It still surprised him that romantic relationships came in so many different colors and flavors. Other than Kurt, he’d had no real experience with love or romance. Well…..there had been Barry, but that had been so short-lived and he no longer considered that an example of love. Nothing and no one would ever diminish or change what he’d had with Kurt. Kurt was and always would be a part of who Blaine had been…..and probably still was. They had been soulmates, best friends, first loves. Those treasured memories were sheltered in a part of him that only he had access to. And now it seemed like he might have the privilege of adding to them via friendship in the present and future. That was his hope anyway.

But Jeff? In his mind, they were still defining their not even year old relationship. In some ways it was still fluid; in others it was solid. As silly as it might sound, one of the things he loved about them was the fact that they could argue in a constructive way….most of the time. Just a few years ago he’d avoided confrontation like the plague. Instead, he’d stuff his anger deep inside….only to see it explode in other ways often totally unrelated to the real problem. He strongly believed that counseling and journaling had saved him from yet another broken relationship. He’d been seeing a new counselor following the move, but he wasn’t sure Dr. Gomez was a good fit. In the meantime, he was using the skills he’d learned in New York from his prior counselor until he settled the question mark at the end of Dr. Gomez’s name.

Jeff placed the paint swatches on the nearby coffee table and wrapped his arms around Blaine’s shoulders, drawing him into a strong embrace. “A whole weekend, Blaine..” he murmured into his lover’s ear. Releasing him, he took Blaine’s olive-skinned face into his hands and kissed him slowly as Blaine responded in kind. Right now it seemed like years since the last time they’d done anything slowly, much less drown in each other’s hungry lips. “Mmmmm….I hate to let you go for even a second, but I need a shower, don’t you think?” “Actually, I kinda like you hot and sweaty, but you definitely need a shave,” Jeff replied in that Oklahoma drawl that made Blaine’s heart skip a beat every time. “I’m up for a compromise, how ’bout if you join me in the shower? That shave will only take a minute…or less with the right incentive.” Blaine said with a wicked smile.

Jeff chuckled. “Or we could start by christening every room in this apartment…there are several rooms that are still virginal.” “Well, we can’t have that any longer, can we?” Blaine kissed him one more time before pulling him by the hand to their initial wet and wild weekend rendezvous.

Kurt scowled at the Word document in frustration. He’d been typing and deleting, typing and deleting for what seemed like an hour. He just couldn’t seem to get what he wanted to say in print. He’d even switched to writing in his notebook! But even that reliable standby wasn’t helping. He was working on one of his chapters about using fantasy as a tool to enrich your relationship.

He was dividing them into different categories or examples. Some of the examples were from the notebooks he and Javi maintained about their love life, like Moves Like Jagger, U Got My Love, Dance for Your Papi, and of course, Reinventing Your Sins. Xander was still one of his favorite alter egos conceived in their role playing. All of them could be found in his own love life notebook he’d titled Everything Changed (Todo Cambio)/Javito. At the same time he was trying to give some instructions on ways to create your own fantasies. A large part of he and Javi’s relationship was based on creating fantasies. Everything Changed (Todo Cambio in Spanish) most certainly applied to what had happened when they’d met. It was the title of one of Mateo’s best known songs and Javi still sang it to an enthusiastic audience at almost every performance.

Kurt had been a sad and bitter man when he made the move from New York to San Diego with his best friend, Adam. He and Blaine’s final breakup? He was sure it would destroy him, but instead it had made him stronger and he hoped wiser. As he looked back on it now, it was a wonder it had lasted as long as it did! They’d been in high school when they met and fell in love. At that age they were positive their love would be different. Certainly not like everyone else’s… and of course in some ways that was true, but they were just like any couple in most ways. They had worked hard at keeping their love alive, almost five years! But the distance between Lima and New York had certainly created wear and tear on their relationship. The loneliness, the growing pains…so many things had factored into their eventual split. At the time, of course, all Kurt could see was Blaine’s infidelity. Now he knew that that had probably been a symptom of the multifaceted stumbling blocks that drove them apart. And he had been so high and mighty. Blaine had never said it, but his superior attitude, his often unforgiving spirit…he could see now that it only fueled Blaine’s insecurity and driven him away, perhaps in an attempt to seek happiness with someone else.

He shook his head, trying to draw himself back into the chapter, but it was no use. His mind just wasn’t in it and they were going to a housewarming party tonight. The fact that it was for Jeff and Blaine?…..he was glad that he could finally be happy for Blaine, that they at least had a friendly relationship. If someone had told him a year ago that that would happen, he’d have called them a liar or delusional. He glanced at his phone. Javi should be almost done with rehearsals. With a smile, he decided to text him to see if he was up for a little phone-powered afternoon delight.

The playhouse stage behind him once more, he was sure he could perform the part of Lust in his sleep. Much as he loved Reinventing Your Sins and his part in it, he welcomed his time off. They’d altered the schedule for the next two weeks, taking Friday and Sunday evenings off. This was always a transition time in LA. Kids were heading back to school and college. Parents were busier than usual because of it. Music and film festivals would stagger themselves over the entire month, so they’d decided to shorten the six-day a week schedule. The play had been popular enough that it looked like they might be extending their time in LA. But as usual, nothing was set in stone yet. Typical show business!

Being the sprawling metropolis that LA was, it could sometimes seem cold or unfriendly to new arrivals. And then there was the fact that the pace was faster than bees in an active hive. However, for the most part it wasn’t hard to make friends in your community, and in this case the community was an apartment building. Finding affordable housing in LA wasn’t much different from trying to find it in New York. But when Jeff and Blaine had moved, Cedars-Sinai had agreed to pay Jeff’s rent for the first six months as an incentive. How could he turn down an offer like that? A job in one of the best hospitals in the world and a sign-on bonus? He could save most of his paycheck for the first six months in anticipation of either staying in their current apartment, maybe getting some room mates, or finding something else.

Strange as it would seem to outsiders, Javi was looking forward to the party tonight. They didn’t live in the complex where Jeff and Blaine lived, but some of Jeff’s coworkers did, so the host had decided to invite a few people that the pair already knew, and not surprisingly he and Kurt were on the guest list. Deni had caught them one afternoon in the foyer, introducing herself, with an explanation of who she was. “I’ve noticed you guys seem to be friends with Blaine and Jeff, am I right?” she asked in a cheerful voice.

Most people didn’t know the backstory of the four. It wasn’t like you walked up to a person and said, “Hi! I’m Blaine, Kurt’s ex-boyfriend,” and in the next breath another would offhandedly say, “Oh, hi, I’m Javi, Kurt’s new boyfriend.” Talk about raising eyebrows and creating fodder for whatever rumor mill existed at Easton Apartments! They gladly accepted her invitation as she emphasized once more that it was a surprise party so…….sshhhhhh!

Javi was just heading for the gym when he heard his phone ping. He knew it was Kurt. He’d finally gotten around to giving everybody their own ring tone. He wasn’t a techy except when it came to music. Phones were a necessity. You’d never find him scrolling through text messages or social media for fun. But knowing who was actually calling him at any given time did make his life a little simpler. “Hey, heat wave!” (Javi laughed out loud; Kurt loved to give him alliterative nicknames) Have time for a 1-900 call?” referring to the old phone prefix sometimes used for paid phone sex. Hmmm….he rarely missed his daily workout but with all the rehearsals it wasn’t like one workout missed would be the end of the world. He texted back, “Give me 20 minutes?  👅 😈” “ok  🔥  😈 ” came Kurt’s equally emojied reply.

Javi chuckled to himself. Who needed a gym for physical fitness? He’d surprise Kurt with a personal one-on-one visit at their temporary apartment. He certainly liked Kurt’s equipment far more than ellipticals, rowing machines and chin-up bars! Going to his office would take too long and possibly being caught having single-handed sex in his car wasn’t the best idea. “Oh! I’m sorry officer. Um, I didn’t know it was illegal to have phone sex with your boyfriend while driving!” Now there was a picture! Maybe he’d suggest that Kurt not use that as an example in his book.

Jeff knocked on the door of apartment 201. He could hear the music spilling into the hallway from inside. It’d be nice to spend time socializing even if everyone in the room was new to him. He and Blaine both needed it. He’d met the woman organizing the party disguised as a tenant meeting in the elevator. He’d seen her around more than once, but had been so intent on a few hours sleep to take the time and energy to introduce himself. When they both caught the first-floor elevator at the same time, she took the initiative to introduce herself and he’d asked her in for coffee, hoping that Blaine wasn’t out running errands or rehearsal hadn’t run overtime.

Fortunately, he was home, mindlessly watching TV while relaxing in anticipation of the show later that evening. They chatted back and forth for about an hour, but Jeff’s eyes were drooping, “I hate to interrupt this but I really have to get some sleep.” He’d told her he worked at Cedars-Sinai when she’d noticed his blue scrubs on the way up to the fourth floor. “Ahhh, so that’s why I see you around at odd hours,” she’d said in an understanding tone. As he got up from the kitchen table, so did she, but Jeff stopped her, “You don’t have to leave. Finish your coffee. Blaine could certainly use the company,” and Blaine nodded in agreement, inviting her to stay a while longer.

A couple weeks later she’d slid a light blue flyer under their door inviting them to a party/tenant meeting presumably to go over some changes they thought were needed in the building. But, she’d underlined and highlighted the word “party” making sure everyone knew that partying was the most important reason for the invitation.

As expected, Jeff had balked, pleading work as his reason. Even though he was allowed to trade shifts now, it could be such a hassle. Blaine wanted to go so badly….but not alone. Rather than pressure Jeff though, he listed all the reasons why they needed to go, needed some extended time together. And finally he’d relented. Blaine was more than right. He should take advantage of the recent change in his work status. God knows when he was working he gave them his all and more!

And now, as they waited for Deni to open the door, Jeff realized just how much he really did need this; yes, he’d wanted to go as well, but need had certainly won out. Sure, all that shifting of schedules and some of the paperwork that went with it had been a pain in the ass. But he’d do it all over again for the respite of this three-day weekend.

Deni looked through the peephole in the door glad to see their honored guests had arrived. “Welcome!” she exclaimed, transferring the wine bottle and bag of chips from Jeff’s hands to hers. Inviting them in, they were greeted by a group of festive partygoers screaming, “Surprise!” Surprise? She’d planned a party for them? Wow! It was so unexpected! Two banners, Welcome! and New York Sucks! were strung across walls. They looked at each other and cracked up over the banner about New York.

“How did you know I wouldn’t have to work tonight?” Jeff turned to Deni. “Well, I didn’t actually…..but I sort of guilted Blaine into getting you to take the night off….and that didn’t take much, believe me!” she snickered, “When I first mentioned it, I could tell he’d been socially starved for way too long.” He turned to Blaine, “Did you know it was a sur….” Deni interrupted, “Oh no! He knew nothing, as clueless as you!”

And then he spotted some people from the hospital…and even two he’d traded shifts with! He wondered how many trades they’d had to make to be here. But now wasn’t the time for such considerations. Everyone was inviting them in, eager to introduce themselves, shaking their hands, some even hugging them.

Blaine was the first one to notice Kurt and Javi seated on the floor chatting with a few of their friends from the play, all waiting to officially welcome them to LA. And it certainly wasn’t hard to detect Javi in a crowd. He’d been cast as a character that required him to dye his black curls to shocking pink and if that didn’t catch your attention, well, the sleeveless black net top and the sparkle from the string of thin gold chains around his neck would. Javi was not even close to his type, but even in a city abounding in toned (and sometimes over-toned) bodies, you couldn’t miss the shapely muscles and tattoos. He made no attempt to hide them either.

He caught Kurt’s eye, giving him a small finger wave. Kurt waved back with a half-smile and gestured for them to join the group once they’d finished meeting the new neighbors.

They hadn’t really been counting, but they spent the next hour greeting at least thirty people. And gifts?! Jeff nudged Blaine, drawing his attention to a table full of gaily wrapped boxes and gift bags. Apologizing for the brief interruption, Deni asked what they’d like to drink, quickly returning with two goblets of wine, one white and one red. Jeff had been so pleased that Blaine had already started to feel quite at home in LA, especially after landing parts in the same play that Javi was in. But, other than coworkers at the hospital, he pretty much knew no one in a social setting. He recognized one or two of the actors and dancers that Blaine had brought home with him on several occasions, but the only two in the group he actually knew were Kurt and Javi.

When they finally got a break from visiting with their new acquaintances, Jeff led Blaine over to the small group of his coworkers. They all knew about Blaine from hurried conversations with Jeff when they actually got a real break, but like Jeff, had very little time for a social life. Talking shop had been forbidden tonight, but they did ask Blaine about Reinventing Your Sins and he was thrilled to have a potential new audience! After a half hour or so, Jeff raised his hand to Kurt and shooed Blaine off, knowing he wanted to join the group of his own coworkers. Jeff said he’d be over in a few minutes. Some sat on chairs, some on the floor but all clapped and cheered as they toasted Blaine’s official arrival on the LA scene.

It was after midnight when the party started to wind down and surprisingly none of the uninvited neighbors complained…well, except for the lady who called asking if they would turn the music down some. She was trying to get her twins to sleep. Every time she thought they’d finally arrived in the Land of Nod, she’d hear them dancing to the beat of the bass in their bedroom again! Deni had shooed Jeff and Blaine away from the cleanup crew, handing them the boxful of opened presents, firmly instructing them to enjoy the rest of their long-awaited weekend.

“Mmmmm, it’s so good to be home,” Kurt said as he curled into the security of his by now familiar place under Javi’s left arm. True, it wasn’t home like their house in San Diego was home, but it was as close to it as they had in LA. “And not having to spend hours in those heels tonight? It feels like heaven!” Javi said, referring to the 8-inch heels required for his part in the play.

Javi often came home exhausted after a performance and Kurt loved pampering him with massages, a glass of wine or in some way accommodating his post-performance mantra, “hungry and horny.” Kurt would never forget the festival in New Mexico where they performed together onstage. But it wasn’t necessarily the concert duets he remembered best. When not in the spotlight, that mantra had literally come to life, alternating the satisfaction of their double-H needs. A desert paradise in every way imaginable.

But Reinventing Your Sins was far more demanding on his body than any of his concert performances. Quite often Javi would fall asleep in the middle of a bedtime conversation. And Kurt would usually smile, shake his head and draw the covers over his naked body (Javi hated wearing clothing of any kind at home) and either join him in slumber or quietly slip out of bed to go work on his ever-consuming book or lesson plans.

“So, how were classes this week?” Javi inquired. Kurt drove or flew back to San Diego every week to teach his Wednesday and Thursday night classes. The classes were a practical way to not only test what he was trying to get across in his still-untitled book, but also to stay in contact with their friends in San Diego, most of whom were satisfying their longstanding curiosity by taking Kurt’s classes. At present he had five couples in the group. Although there were several more who wanted to take advantage of the free classes (the subject matter of which was the talk of the neighborhood, all the way from The Rafters, the gay bar where they’d met, to When the Bars Close, the local all-night diner), Kurt had discovered he could only handle five couples at a time. Sometimes less depending on the individual’s personalities.

“They’re going pretty well, Javito, but I never realized how much of myself I’d have to pour into writing a book, the classes, the preparation…you were so right when you said your passion is all-consuming!”

“One of the hardest parts is dealing with each couple where they are in their relationship. I’ve had to make it crystal clear that this is not about taking them back to the initial falling in love stage of their relationship and staying there. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?” Kurt laughed. “It’s about maintaining a strong relationship no matter what stage they’re in. And I guess not surprisingly lots of them initially come to the class expecting it to revolutionize their sex lives…and we both know it most certainly can, but….well, they can learn all about improving their sex lives by applying what can be found in any number of books out there. The hardest part is getting them to understand that they need to go back and build a new or stronger foundation. That’s where I usually lose them if they’re going to quit. And that’s fine. I mean, why waste their and my time?”

“Do you still plan to engage some of your students as future teachers so you have more time to write and hopefully travel with me?” Javi murmured into Kurt’s ginger hair, kissing his head. “Of course! But as you well know not everyone is cut out to be a teacher. Look at how long it’s taken me? I’m thinking possibly Ethan; I’m not sure about Adam yet. I’m not sure he’s organized enough. Ethan is interested enough in teaching to have helped me with some lesson plans. He’s giving me a student’s perspective, too. He’s not afraid to be honest with me. Do you still think the play has a chance of being extended here?”

“I’m hoping! It would be much easier to deal with the revised concert schedule if I’m based out of LA…at least for the immediate future.” Javi yawned. It was past 2 and between the rehearsal and the party, it had been a long day. “Mi Kurtito, I’m worn out. I think I’ll take a shower and hit the sack. “I’ll be in in a bit, mi amor,” Kurt said, giving Javi a warm, lingering kiss, ruffling his pink hair, “I need to write down a few things before they slip my mind, and after your surprise performance this afternoon….well, I have to include that in the notebook of course.” Javi’s low laugh spilled into the room remembering their mid afternoon romp. “I might have just enough energy left for an encore…..” he said, raising one eyebrow. Kurt chuckled, “I’ll be in soon.”

In truth, Kurt did have something he needed to think about but it had little to do with his writing or teaching. It was that persistent dream again. He hadn’t told Javi, but he’d had it twice this week. And even though it had been weeks since he’d encountered what had grown in his thoughts to become THE ROOM in Blaine’s apartment, it was always there in the back of his mind. In the few conversations they’d had since he kept hoping he’d bring it up, but it appeared Blaine attached no significance whatsoever to the room. So, why were they having close to identical dreams, but in different rooms?

He still didn’t understand his strong knee-jerk reaction when he first entered that guest bedroom. Yes, the furnishings were strikingly similar, and yes, it appeared to be the same room from his dream but….when he saw the photo of the Glee Club in a crystal frame not unlike the one Javi had given Carole for Christmas? All his mind’s eye could see was the shattered glass on the floor, all he could hear was Antonio shouting, “Everything’s changed!” over and over. At least the weird part when Antonio threw Blaine out a window had disappeared, whatever that meant. Stymied, he gripped his head in his hands and rubbed the back of his neck. What was it he feared? Javi’s previous partner, Antonio, had been dead for eight years! He didn’t pose a concrete threat. He couldn’t see how either Blaine or Javi could create a problem that hadn’t already been addressed. He loved Javi without reservation and he and Blaine were on good terms again.

It was the shattered picture frame….it was finding the close to matching frame intact on the bedside table at Blaine’s….and maybe the significance of the picture it held, as well. The carefree faces of almost every person he’d ever loved smiled back at him from the past. The Glee Club had saved his tortured life at McKinley. As hard as it was to believe, that mismatched bunch of talented kids had formed a bond stronger than almost any relationship he’d ever had. They had been his safety net….actually, they’d been each other’s safety net.

He had a standing appointment with his counselor every Wednesday when he was back in San Diego. Of course, the man wasn’t a dream interpreter, but hearing someone else’s take on the dream could be helpful. Someone who wasn’t actually in the dream. Closing his notebooks and powering down his laptop, he sighed, his shoulders sagging. If his Javito was still awake, an encore of this afternoon would be nice…but what he really needed was for his lover to hold him.

Jeff lay awake staring at the popcorn ceiling. It had been the perfect day and night. And while Blaine lay beside him, breathing evenly, Jeff rolled over gathering Blaine’s warm and tantalizing body into his own. Blaine was such a sound sleeper….except when he was awakened by a tornado of bad dreams. He hadn’t mentioned “the dream” lately, but the hospital often laid claim to Jeff’s nights. How would he know if he’d been awakened by one or not?

He gently ran his fingers through his curly hair, kissing his upper back. When he’d met Blaine, he hadn’t been a stranger to living alone. His last boyfriend, Marc, still lived in Oklahoma and for the most part he had fond memories of him. Their relationship had just kind of died a natural death. And once he arrived in New York his life had been so manic, he hadn’t really taken the time to seek out a serious relationship. He’d had a few potentials here and there that lasted for maybe a month, but in the end there wasn’t that something he’d always been looking for…or maybe it was simply what he’d come to expect a serious relationship to look like. But he knew one thing – what he felt for Blaine was deliciously scary and over-the-top wonderful! It made him realize that he’d honestly never been in love….until Blaine.

They’d been cautious, Blaine fearing he’d be hurt again, or worse that he’d hurt someone else again; Jeff, unsure of what he was feeling. All he knew was that the thought of Blaine kept him awake (lack of sleep that he could ill afford). He was his very first thought in the morning and his very last before falling asleep, his troubled sleep peppered with Blaine’s presence.

But they’d been together now for almost eight months. He was hopelessly in love, his first true love. And although they’d declared their love for one another many times, the three single-syllable words so precious to him, he’d yet to tell Blaine just how deep the well of his love was.

At first, it was his uncertainty. Blaine was like an addictive drug. Like a craving that couldn’t be satisfied. And it wasn’t just physical….and that frightened him even more! But by the time they’d left for California, he knew without a doubt that he’d follow Blaine to the ends of the Earth. Back in New York, Kurt had always been a nebulous person out there somewhere. A huge part of Blaine’s past. And even though Jeff had known that Blaine was trying to reestablish a friendship with him, it was something he was sure he could handle. After all, hadn’t Blaine been brutally honest about Kurt? Blaine had even asked him to go to some counseling sessions with him. That took guts and strength of character. It told Jeff just how important he was in Blaine’s life.

And then there was the evening not long before they’d moved. He swore he could smell dinner before he’d even opened the door. He’d grown up in a meat-and-potatoes family, in the heart of Oklahoma’s cattle country. Despite the trend toward vegan and vegetarianism in his generation, he would never be found eating tofu or beans to replace his protein. And the aroma of the pot roast that Blaine had in the oven made his mouth water. Blaine was seated on the couch, guitar in hand, picking out a tune that Jeff didn’t recognize. Blaine welcomed him with a sly smile and beckoned him to sit down beside him. “I’ve been working on a new song. Sometimes I really miss my piano, ya know?” As he began strumming his guitar again, he said, “Tell me what you think, okay?” Jeff nodded as Blaine began singing inserting each of their names.

I’ve been alone
Surrounded by darkness
I’ve seen how heartless
The world can be

I’ve seen you crying
You felt like it’s hopeless
I’ll always do my best
To make you see

Jeff, you’re not alone
Cause you’re here with me
And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down
Cause nothing can keep me from lovin’ you
And you know it’s true
It don’t matter what’ll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through

Now I know it ain’t easy
But it ain’t hard trying
Every time I see you smiling
And I feel you so close to me
And you tell me

Blaine, you’re not alone
Cause you’re here with me
And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down
Cause nothing can keep me from lovin’ you
And you know it’s true
It don’t matter what’ll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through

I still have trouble
I trip and stumble
Trying to make sense of things sometimes
I look for reasons
But I don’t need ’em
All I need is to look in your eyes
And I realize

Jeff I’m not alone
Cause you’re here with me
And nothing’s ever gonna take us down
Cause nothing can keep me from lovin’ you
And you know it’s true
It don’t matter what’ll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through

Cause you’re here with me
And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down
Cause nothing, nothing, nothing can keep me from lovin’ you
And you know it’s true
It don’t matter what’ll come to be
You know our love is all we need
Our love is all we need to make it through

He didn’t know what to say! Blaine was suddenly bashful, “I….um…I just wanted you to know before you moved all the way across the country…for me….that that’s how I really feel about us.” Jeff was trying to hold back the tears, “Blaine…” he choked, “I’m not moving to California for you. I’m moving for us. I’m moving…..I’m moving…” he had to stop, “because I believe every word of that song to be true.”

He took the guitar from Blaine and kissed him with a passion that couldn’t be contained. And as Blaine melted into his arms he whispered, “Dinner’s going to be late.”

And now here they were in LA, working hard to establish a new life, a future together. So why this doubt? This fear? Blaine had made it a habit of singing part of that song to him every single day! And Jeff liked Kurt. He could see them having a friendship…..until he’d observed Blaine and Kurt interacting with each other. He doubted they were even aware of it….or was it Jeff’s overactive imagination? How to describe it? It was like…watching two puzzle pieces worn and torn at the juncture where the pieces were supposed to fit. Not completely successful at melding together, but just enough to see that they had once been a perfect fit.

Jealousy wasn’t the issue. It was something else…something he couldn’t put his finger on. Just as it was obvious that he and Blaine loved each other, it was equally as obvious to see that Kurt and Javi’s partnership was solid…so why was this keeping him awake? He sighed and Blaine must have sensed his unrest because he rolled over to face him, muttering in his sleep, “Jeff..what’s wrong?” “It’s nothing, babe, just a messed up body clock,” he replied. “Mhmmm….okay,” he murmured almost asleep once again. “I love you, J.” Blaine rolled over again, fitting his body into Jeff’s curves…..just like two puzzle pieces….but what if the pieces only seemed to fit together….what if in the end they only appeared to dovetail one to another?