Category: WILD WORLD

Dear readers: If this chapter confuses you it’s because there is an intentional mystery in it. Even my beta didn’t get it the first couple times she read it. Never fear, the mystery will be revealed in future chapters.

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Cassie sat alone on the boat dock dangling her feet in the cool water, gazing out at the early morning activity in Heritage Lake marina. The idea that only a few hours earlier she’d been sleeping peacefully beside him made her both happy and sad all at the same time. The lingering headache was a not so subtle reminder that it hadn’t taken much to get them drunk…..at 16, parties like the one they’d attended last night were the exception not the norm.

They’d arrived at about 7:30 or so, their own contribution to the pilfered selection of bottles and 6-packs in hand, transferring the two bottles of wine and cold 6-pack of Miller Lite into the hands of their host. The party was in full swing and within seconds they were surrounded by their friends, singing off-key and dancing badly, none of them caring one whit about it either. Most of the night they’d spent squeezed into a corner of one of the rec room couches attempting conversation with each other and the friends and strangers scattered on the blue-carpeted floor, the music drowning out most of their words. Leaning in closer so he wouldn’t have to shout, he said, “Would you like to dance?” She smiled, nodding her head so she wouldn’t have to say anything over the beat of the thumping bass. However, in this crowd, dancing was definitely a misnomer as it seemed the best they could do was stand in place swaying to the music, sort of like swimming upstream, she thought.

They’d known each other since eighth grade and had become fast friends….best friends as it would turn out. He’d gotten her through the breakup of her first serious relationship…..raising her brown eyes to meet the blue of the sky, she shook her head at the memory and grinned. She had to laugh at the thought that the month long relationship with Brad was something she’d once considered serious. He’d held her hand and let her soak his shoulder in tears for the whole two days it had taken to get over Brad. They’d never dated, although he was always there if she needed or wanted someone to accompany her to some social event or another. Mostly, the group they ran with wasn’t into dating anyone seriously. For most of them, it was just more fun to spend time with each other. They reasoned they had plenty of time for relationships in college or even after college. None of them were in any hurry to pair up.

For as long as she could remember, this resort had been home for at least a month every summer, usually July, sometimes August. The resort’s rental cabins were roomy A-frames, the ideal place to relax and recharge their batteries before the start of school and to avoid thinking about the inevitability of winter in just a few short months.

The number of families varied year to year, sometimes requiring two or even three cabins, but they were all huddled side by side and never far from the beach. Swimming, boating, windsurfing, kitesurfing….there was always plenty to do, but one of their favorite things to do was picnic, sometimes alone, sometimes with their other friends, but they loved sharing the beach alone in the morning before most everyone else was up and ready to start their day.

They’d pack a small basket the night before filled with protein bars or egg muffins, some fruit, maybe some mini bagels and cream cheese and juice boxes. Tiptoeing quietly out the door, hoping not to wake the others, they’d leave before 5:00 to hopefully catch the sunrise. She’d tell him about who had a crush on who (like he didn’t already know) and they’d laugh about all the things that that couple did or didn’t have in common. He’d tell her what his plans were after high school….sometimes they’d change from week to week…..but emphasizing that he was going to get as far away from the Midwest as he could. They’d both complain about their parents and how they couldn’t wait to graduate. College was a foregone conclusion for both of them, not because they were particularly interested in college, but because in their parents’ dreams for them college was a must. No matter that neither planned on following their parents’ dreams.

The sound of a boat skimming across the lake, creating waves, causing the dock to sway, brought her thoughts back to the present. Their parents had taken an overnight trip the night before. As far as she knew they’d never once missed the day-long music festival. The genre might change from year to year, but that’s why they never missed! Music was music, they said, from big band to rap, they loved it all! Unlike most of her friends, she could never say her parents were stuck in their ways…or his either….at least when it came to music, she guessed.

When they’d been younger, they’d ask other cabin dwellers to take them in for the night, but last year they’d decided that they were old enough to stay by themselves, with one exception. Of course their parents were not oblivious to the mischief that teens could and most likely would get up to in their absence, and they were well aware of the weekend parties……but always supervised by chaperones (the so out-of-date word always accompanied by eye rolls from the two of them). In fact, their parents had been their “keepers” as they liked to call it on more than one occasion. But they’d struck a deal with the two. They could stay at the cabin alone while they were gone, but if they went to a party, they were supposed to sleep there overnight.

And they’d never really meant to go back on that promise…..not really….until last night. In hindsight, she could blame it on the booze clouding what little judgment they had left when they’d headed back to their own cabin, she could rationalize how it couldn’t hurt as long as no one ever knew…..if their “keepers” had noticed they would have come knocking at the door and drug them back to the party cabin, probably accompanied by stern warnings….but they hadn’t….for whatever reason they hadn’t.

But deep down she knew the truth. She’d wanted it to happen. It had been in the back of her mind ever since they’d arrived at the lake…and why he hadn’t insisted they stay where they’d promised she’d never know….she didn’t want to know….and she’d never ask him.

“Come on,” she’d whispered as they stood on the deck, the cool, but humid breeze blowing her hair out of her face, “it’s only a few feet away. I don’t want to stay here tonight,” citing that the idea of sleeping in a room filled with inebriated friends, collapsed over couches or chairs or on the floor was far less appealing than sleeping in their own beds.

All night she’d been watching him carefully, but he hadn’t seemed to notice. He’d been talking to…well, mostly yelling…..at Cooper and Sabrina, who’d managed to find a few square inches of space on the floor. Cassie had feigned an interest in the topic of conversation, the upcoming swimming and boating competitions that the resort hosted to close out the summer season, but with each sip of the cheap wine she was drinking, the more her mind seemed to focus on him.

She loved him so much….but she wasn’t in love with him nor was he in love with her. But they knew they could tell each other anything, no topic seemed to be off limits. Sometimes she wished they were in love. She couldn’t imagine anything better than spending her life with him. Over the years, they’d jokingly talked about just such an inevitability, both knowing it was just talk. They’d exchange ideas about what their perfect life partner would be like….and then find it hysterical when sometimes it seemed they were describing each other.

She still remembered the day she’d finally gotten up the nerve to ask him a question she’d longed to ask since she was 13. They’d actually been sitting right here on this dock, playfully splashing water on each other, pointing out when they saw a fish bubble to the surface or comment on the game of beach volleyball that was being played not far from them. He’d been holding her hand as he often did and her hands felt sweaty to her, but he didn’t seem to care.

Ever since the day “she became of woman,” her mother using the old-fashioned phrase, she’d been thinking about asking him, hoping he wouldn’t laugh or think it was weird. Well, she conceded, it did sound kind of weird, but not if she was given a chance to explain her reasoning. Of course, it was still far in the future but….she’d turned to him with an earnest look on her face and squeezed his hand to draw his attention away from the volleyball game. “Can I ask you something?” she’d ventured, unsure how to continue, but needing to ask nonetheless. “Of course! Well, unless it’s will I eat liver and onions or will I run off to Alaska with you,” he’d replied, flashing that gorgeous smile her way.

Smiling herself, she looked away for a moment, gathering her courage, her eyes settling on the lake where the opposite shore met the horizon. “When the time comes,” geez! it sounded like she was asking him to plan her funeral! She cleared her throat, trying again, as the look on his face turned more quizzical.

“I want you to be my first,” she blurted out, her cheeks flaming red in the process. “Your first?” he wasn’t getting it. “Yeah,” she lowered her eyes and then met his again, “You know….my first…the first one….” Finally! He finally understood what she was asking, “Me?” He squeaked out, “But….”

She sighed and looked away again, holding his hand even more tightly, “Okay, I know it sounds weird, but I want it to be with someone I know I can trust, someone that I know really loves me, not something in the heat of the moment…..and I don’t want to wait until I’m married. I think it’s unfair to not have some idea of what….it’s…..like, to bring some experience to a marriage. I mean if you’re going to spend your whole life with one person, it’s a pretty important thing to know something….” she knew she was babbling, but couldn’t seem to stop herself.

“Cassie,” he said, “I’m…um, honored, I guess, that you would ask me that, but…” “Look, I know what you’re going to say and it doesn’t matter to me. I know I can trust you with….that….and I know you’re not going to tell all the guys about it either, because that’s not you. We love each other, right? That’s more important to me than….the other part…. “You mean you don’t lust after this gorgeous hunk of a man?” he said, flexing his muscles and smiling, hoping to break the tension. She barely smiled, “Be serious,” she said, then hesitated. The ensuing silence seemed to go on forever, until she finally forced the words out, “So, will you? Be my first?”

He looked at her for a very long time before answering, taking in all of her, seeing her as the woman she was becoming and not the girl she’d been when they met. Any guy would be thrilled to have her ask this question of him, but he wasn’t any guy. Any other guy would probably suggest they find a secluded spot right now! But again he wasn’t any other guy, which is precisely why she’d asked him. “Let me think about it, okay?” he saw her face fall, “Cassie, it’s not that I don’t want to say yes, but that’s one of the reasons you asked me and not someone else, right? I don’t take this lightly even for a second. Look at me. Yes, I love you. I don’t even have to think twice about that part….I just don’t want either of us to regret it. I don’t want to lose your friendship over this. And there’s no guarantee that “we” won’t change if we do this.”

It wasn’t that she hadn’t thought of that and she knew he was right, so she squeezed his hand again, tried to smile and simply said, “Okay.”

As she continued to observe him, the party seeming to go on without her, she was reminded that over the ensuing years they’d talked about it as if it was a foregone conclusion, as if he’d already decided…sometimes they even laughed about it, talking about how they would do this or that or say this or that….and he’d never actually come out and said, “Yes, I’ll be your first,” she reasoned, but neither had he said something like, “Okay, this is fun to talk about, but I just can’t do it.” It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought about it from every angle and sometimes it just sort of seemed implied that he would, even to him. Sometimes he would think to himself, “Oh, just let it happen. If it does fine and if not? That’s okay, too.” Although that didn’t seem like the thoughts or actions of the trustworthy person she believed him to be. And besides, that was before….no! he wouldn’t let his mind take him there….

Yes, she finally admitted to herself, she’d been thinking about this ever since the summer had started. She knew their parents would be gone. She also knew that they were supposed to stay at the party house overnight, not go back to their cabin. She’d tried to push it to the back of her mind, but the idea that they actually had an opportunity to be alone……it scared her and excited her all at once. She took another sip of her third glass of wine, again, trying to follow the conversation, which had changed to….? She wasn’t sure. Focus, Cassie! She reached for the bowl of cashews on the end table, taking a handful, hoping they would absorb some of the alcohol. She needed the liquid courage, or so she thought, if she was going to convince him that tonight was the night. Yet, she didn’t want too much liquid courage….she wanted to remember this night, not drown its memory.

They’d just polished off an eggs, bacon and toast, after party, middle of the night breakfast and were sitting on the floor, their eyes closed, having run out of things to talk about….and besides they were both just flat-out tired. It had to be at least 2:00 in the morning, but neither wanted to make the effort to go to their respective bedrooms. His on the first floor, hers on the second of the huge A-frame. Cassie opened one eye, taking in his rumpled clothes and messy hair. Still half-drunk, but so cute! Tonight, it had to be tonight!

She wasn’t as drunk as she’d been when they’d left the party or so she believed, but how was she going to do this? Sure, she could just ask him, but she didn’t want to give him the chance to say no…..or come up with the inevitable reasons why it wasn’t a good idea….at least not tonight. He’d say something like, “Cassie, we’re too drunk…and besides, don’t you want a little romance?” And when she’d say no, she didn’t care about romance because they weren’t a romantic couple, he’d probably say something like, “But still, we’re drunk! You don’t want that kind of memory do you?” and then he’d put it off by suggesting other times or places and then one day she’d wake up and there would be no more time or place…..in her mind it literally had to be now because she couldn’t stand the thought of never!

She yawned. And in a quiet voice, hoping it was not loud enough to startle him, but loud enough to awaken him, she said, “There’s no way I’m climbing those stairs, I’ll fall for sure. I’m sleeping here on the couch.” “I could carry you up there,” he murmured, his eyes still closed. She giggled, “Now there’s a great idea! Then, we could both fall!”

“Well, why don’t you sleep in my bed then,” not knowing that she might actually be hoping that that was exactly what would happen. “No, I like this couch. I’ve slept on it dozens of times and it’s comfortable.” “Okay, I’ll sleep on the floor then.” “Now why would you do something like that? What…are you afraid I’ll sneak back to the party? Do you think that I need you to protect me in case some lakeside serial killer is on the loose? Just because it’s a cabin doesn’t mean we’re living in Little House on the Prairie! You do remember we have security alarms for that, right?”

She was right, of course, and he saw no reason to argue with her, not really. And the more he thought about it the more he longed for that bed that had never seemed so welcoming. “Okay then,” he said as he rose from the floor, dusting off his shorts, getting ready to head towards the bedroom. “Oh! Could I borrow one of your T-shirts or something? I don’t want to sleep in this,” she said, his eyes, for the first time that night, actually noticing what she was wearing. A tight red top and a pair of skinny jeans. No, he wouldn’t want to sleep in that either. He headed for the bedroom, rummaging through his closet for an oversized shirt, returning with his contribution to her bedtime wardrobe. As he handed it to her, she laughed, her eyes twinkling. “Really? The cookie monster? I’ve never seen you wear this before.” “And gathering from your response, now you know why!” he replied with a half-smile.

“Okay then, see you in the….I guess it’s already morning. See you later.” He said trying to stifle his yawn. “Good night,” she said, thinking to herself that she hoped she’d see him sooner rather than later….and that he’d welcome her when he did.

She padded her way to the downstairs bathroom, removing her party clothes and slipping on the cookie monster shirt. Although she hadn’t planned to wear any sexy clothes, she’d never pictured it happening while she was wearing a shirt displaying a kids show character. But then, she’d “planned” it in her head for years and knew that although they could indeed plan some of it, a lot was still out of their control….and besides she reminded herself, she was tired of waiting. “I guess this red lace thong will have to do,” she thought.

She startled awake completely surprised that she’d fallen asleep! Trying to orient herself she brushed her chestnut hair out of her eyes and laid back down, feeling a bit of a headache and knowing that she’d probably have a collosal hangover in a few hours. Oh man! What time was it? She glanced around the roomy cabin, unable to find a clock, and besides she’d already taken her contacts out so even if there was one, she probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the time. Again, surveying her surroundings she noted that it was still dark out with no sign of the sun on the horizon. It was still almost pitch-black outside. Snuggling into the couch cushions and drawing the lightweight cover he’d given her up to her shoulders, she tried to think about her next move.

She’d noticed that he’d left his bedroom door open. Well, that was a plus; no squeaky hinges to give her away. And now that this seed of a plan had been planted in her brain, she couldn’t stop it from sprouting. Who knew when the next opportunity would arise for them to be completely alone? She knew she was taking a risk, but wasn’t the whole idea a risk? Isn’t that why they’d been dancing around it for years? She was tired of slow dancing. She rubbed her eyes, took a deep breath or two to calm her nerves, yawned, stretched…..and even though she was completely over the dance, that didn’t mean she was actually ready to step off the dance floor. The new dance, be it a tango, a waltz or whatever was a complete unknown.

Enough! her mind refused to be changed. She whispered a silent prayer begging whomever was in control of this world to make this alright, to make the risk worth every moment. “Please don’t let him say no,” she murmured, and just for good measure she begged a second time, “Pleaassseee.”

She tiptoed toward his bedroom, stopping when she got to the open door. The glow of the bathroom nightlight allowed her to see him laying on the bed, facing towards her. He was so handsome and, as cliche as it sounded, he looked like a sleeping child, moving through dream after dream in a world that she couldn’t see. He’d fall in love with someone someday, she smiled as she leaned against the door jamb, and she hoped whoever ended up winning his heart was worthy of him.

There was that stupid voice nagging at her to rush. “Let’s get this over with and let the chips fall where they may!” But, she tried to reason with the voice, she’d waited this long, and even though so far it was nothing like she’d imagined it, she didn’t just want “to get it over with.” And besides, first she had to get over the hurdle of him saying yes to “now.” Not some other time, next week, next month, next year…or worse, “No, Cassie, I can’t.”

Again, on tiptoes, she made her way to the other side of the bed, almost afraid to breathe. As she dropped to the side of the bed, she halted for a second as she felt the bed move, releasing a sigh when she realized he was just trying to find a more comfortable position. Settling himself once more, she waited for what seemed like interminable minutes. Mentally preparing, then lifting the patchwork comforter and the sheet, she slid her body under the covers, halting again…..waiting to see if he would roll over or move again or whatever, she sighed. She laid quietly, listening to him breathe, taking in his scent….gathering her courage once more, then closing the mere inches between their bodies, finally wrapping her arm around his waist.

Still asleep and unaware of what he was doing, he snuggled into her warmth and reached for her shaking hand, drawing it to his belly. But just before it appeared that he was going to settle back into slumber, he jolted awake, raising his upper body on one elbow and turning to a startled Cassie. The look in his eyes….it was almost like he didn’t know who she was! And then a flash of recognition and….fear?

“Cassie!!!” he sort of hissed, “What are you doing?” “Shhhh!” she sort of giggled, “You don’t have to whisper, we’re the only ones here, remember?” He flopped down on the bed and let out a ragged breath, not saying another word, trying to get his bearings. He opened and closed his eyes a few times, trying to get his anxious thoughts under control. As his body made its attempt to come back to some semblance of normal, he realized he was still holding her hand and would have let it go except it was clasped tightly in hers….and he wanted to find out what was going on first. Maybe she had a nightmare….or perhaps the rain that had started during the night had awakened her. He could hear the steady patter of it hitting the roof…and it would have been almost soothing to him if he wasn’t lying here….like this….god! he thought, all I have on is my underwear! And it wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him in just his underwear before….but now it seemed different, like it wasn’t a perfectly natural thing for her to see anymore.

He cleared his throat, and glanced over at her, not quite ready to look her in the eye, and repeated his original question, “Cassie, what are you doing?” “I don’t want to wait anymore,” she stated so simply and firmly that it took him a moment to figure out what she didn’t want to wait for and why it required her being in his bed. Woah…..what was he going to say…or do? He’d never actually said yes to her, but…..the way they’d talked about “it” over the years, he could see where she might think that he was at the “maybe” stage because he’d never said no either.

There had been a few times when he’d even tried to play matchmaker, hoping she’d find the someone she was really looking for and not just someone she trusted, like him. Someone she was head over heels in love with! He’d introduced her to he couldn’t remember how many new guys at school or those he’d met at any number of places, but he almost got the feeling that she was only feigning interest in the few she actually went on dates with, knowing exactly what he was doing…..and just going out with these guys to appease him. And he knew that she was smart enough to know what he was trying to do, but he’d continued to try nonetheless. And then one day he’d simply given up. He was fully aware of what she wanted and her plans didn’t include falling in love in high school, they never had.

The long silence between them seemed to drag on forever until she said, “I’ve already decided that I’m not going to let this change our friendship….Think of it as a trial run, a sound check, a….” He couldn’t help but laugh, “Really????? A trial run? You do realize that I’m not just a race car or a guitar, right? I’m not just a…whatever….you can use to get to your goal.” “Well, it would be new to you, too! I’m willing to be YOUR race car….YOUR guitar…. “But it’s different for me and you know it……there’s….”

“Yes, I know that…..but no one…” “Cassie, not just a no one….” “Okay, okay…..but aren’t you even a little bit curious?” He’d thought about this many times, and actually he was curious, but was curiosity a valid reason to…..and remember what happened to the cat, he thought. Not that he thought he’d die as a result, but it might kill…..

“Look, I know we talked about this long before….well, you know….and I know you think in the long run it won’t actually be that important to me…..but it feels…”

“But it’s not!” she insisted. “It’s never going to happen again between us…..we’ll remain friends and you’ll go on with your life and……” The “and,” that was the issue. He really didn’t mind the whole idea mostly because he didn’t want her to regret some bad experience in the future….and the first time was hard enough, especially for girls or so he’d been told. At least he could make sure that it was as good experience as possible. He would be gentle and attentive, probably too attentive, concerned that he might hurt her even if he tried not to. And no one but he and Cassie would ever know, right? She’d move forward with her life and he’d do the same. Everyone knew that they were only friends……including…..

She laid quietly beside him, still holding his hand, knowing she had to let him decide for himself. Yes, she wanted him to be her first, but she understood his dilemma. All she could do was hope that her wish would come true.

Again, he closed his eyes, trying to get a clear picture of all the reasons why and why not…..true, he acknowledged, his mind wasn’t as clear as he wished it should be, but he was no longer drunk and neither was she. He didn’t want to do it as a favor necessarily, but that’s the way she honestly seemed to view it. He glanced over at her, reminded of all they’d been through over the years. They had a solid friendship…sure, this seemed like some sort of transaction at times, devoid of the right feelings….but that’s what she wanted. What he wanted was to hopefully spare her a bad first experience in the future.

“Okay, Cassie,” he sighed, but said it with a decisive voice, “but you can’t ever tell anyone….not ever.” “Thank you,” her eyes softened, “and I promise no one will ever know and especially….” “Stop right there,” he said, “I believe you.”

And suddenly they didn’t know what to say….or do…..so, she tried to give what she hoped was an encouraging smile, closed her eyes and leaned in to kiss him. It wasn’t like she’d never kissed anyone…it wasn’t like she’d never been hugged or touched……and it wasn’t like he didn’t have any experience, but his was….ohhh, that feels nice, she thought. He obviously knew how to kiss.

He drew her body closer, caressing her pretty face with his fingers, dotting it with soft butterfly kisses. Working his way back to her tender lips, he took his time, nibbling them like they were his favorite candy. He felt her breath quicken, not having to wait as she responded to his tongue, allowing him to explore, unable to suppress her desire to entangle her tongue with his….this was a dance she’d never grow tired of, she thought to herself. His sensitive hands lingered on her neck and shoulders, slipping under the silly cookie monster T-shirt, touching her breasts, as she released a gasp and then settled into his firm, yet tender touch.

She shivered a little….his hands seemed foreign to her body. As familiar as they were with each other, nothing could have prepared her for the feelings he was eliciting as he lingered under the weight of her breasts, never having touched these most intimate areas……and yet as he broke their kiss and slipped the T-shirt over her head? When he lowered his lips to a single nipple, it somehow seemed completely natural. She reflexively grasped his hair, letting out a moan that was somewhere between a squeak and a long sigh, as he took the time to caress her concave belly with his other hand.

He could feel his cock getting hard as he continued the foreplay, moving back up to her lips, kissing her deeply with just a touch more firmness as he slid his fingers along the outline of her lacy thong, then slipping them underneath, using a single finger to caress her clit, then sliding it into the moistness of her vagina. Leaving his thumb lightly on her clit, he hoped he wasn’t being too rough as he stroked it.

He looked at her face, her eyes closed, appearing blissfully lost, a stranger to what she was feeling……He whispered, “Okay?” “Mmmmm…” was her only reply as she moved against his fingers seeking something she’d never felt before, not sure if she’d find it…..or at least not this time.

I want to touch him, she thought, what does he feel like?, she wondered…..and in response to that thought she turned on her side, reaching for his cock, feeling it beneath the thin cloth of his underwear. He wasn’t completely hard, but she wasn’t exactly sure how he was supposed to feel……and then she felt a hand over hers, guiding it beneath his underwear, helping her to slide them down as he kicked them off, and murmuring, “Let me show you.” Taking her exploring hand and fingers in his own, he folded her hand firmly around his stiffness and began moving her oh-so-feminine hand up and down, sometimes avoiding the head, sometimes slipping over it.

She didn’t know what she expected but now owning the knowledge that she had this kind of power over a man’s pleasure only made her feel more excited. So hard, so warm…and then she felt him using his own hand to caress his balls, knowing that someday she’d know how to do that, too.

He opened his eyes to find hers closed appearing to be completely absorbed in what she was doing with him….to him. And he smiled to himself…good! that was what he was hoping for. He closed his eyes again, nibbling on her lips, then murmuring against them….”are you ready?” “Mmmmmm….” was all she managed.

Reaching for the thong, together they removed it somewhat awkwardly….and then he pulled her flat against his body, letting her feel the freedom of total nakedness between them and, again, taking her hand, he showed her how to totally explore his body, revealing places she’d never once thought of as erogenous. “My turn,” he murmured with a smile in his voice, as he used his hands to tell her a silent story of her own body, like a mystery novel….except she didn’t ever want to get to the ending.

She willingly let him guide one of her hands to her crotch, replicating what he had done earlier, knowing this probably wasn’t new to her…but it could be so hot…..and then she gripped his ass, involuntarily digging her long fingernails into the tender flesh. “Now….” she rasped, “please….now…”

Rolling her onto her back, he raised himself on his arms just far enough so that he could rub his cock across her belly while her hips moved up and down unable to control herself. Moving his hard cock against her pubic bone, he grasped her hand one last time, silently asking her to be his guide……it wasn’t that he didn’t know, but….she knew what and why he was asking….to protect her….so like him to put her needs above his own. He didn’t know what to expect but as far as he was concerned this wasn’t about him. As he moved further and further inside her, his cock was engulfed in the wet and warm flesh. “Okay?” he whispered again, which may have sounded silly, but he’d read enough to know that it might be painful for her. A breathy “Yeahhhh…” was all she could manage.

She didn’t know what to expect either, but it didn’t feel bad or even that painful….not yet anyway. Feeling him inside of her and knowing how careful he was being only made her more grateful that she’d chosen him to be her first. He knew what he was doing, despite….well, that didn’t matter, at least not to her. She could tell he was nearing a climax, although she didn’t feel anything different than what she’d been feeling all night. It felt very, very good and sensual…..very intimate, she guessed.

He slowly lowered his body on top of hers and rested his head in the hollow of her neck, kissing it softly. She turned her head and buried her face in his hair, kissing his scalp. “Thank you,” was all she could think to say. They laid that way for a time until his breathing became even and then he slowly rolled over onto his side and she rolled onto hers, facing him.

For whatever reason, neither wanted to interrupt the peace that surrounded them. The rain was still falling, beating a rhythm on the roof. These moments were precious to her, he knew. And she seemed content in the quiet. Somehow they knew “I love you” was not an appropriate thing to say, even though they did love each other. That kind of “I love you” should wait for the one in this big wide world that waited for each of them somewhere. Instead, they kept their silence and fell asleep holding hands, yet touching on some unseen level as well. No regrets.

Wow! JFK was buzzing like a beehive! Blaine thought as he watched swarms of travelers hustle by him, but then it was summertime. Kids were out of school, parents were either taking them on trips or making an escape from the busyness of summer at home, leaving their kids with willing family or friends for a brief respite of their own.

He’d taken a taxi from the loft to the airport, alone, made his way through the tedium of waiting in a long check-in line and finally settled in a chair near the gate, his cup of Starbucks in hand. Laine had made plans to meet him here, having to attend some last-minute business meeting before they boarded this long-awaited flight to Europe.

Blaine was looking forward to this trip, of course. Not only was it something he probably would never have done on his own, but in his young life he’d never needed a vacation more than he needed one now. Ever since that night when he’d walked into the apartment and had almost literally tripped over Kurt and Clay laying on the floor, his life had felt….almost like a half life. He’d been going through the motions of living, but distracted by recurring images that his mind’s eye couldn’t unsee.

He wanted to forget all about it, like that was even possible. He wanted to believe what Kurt and Clay had told him more times than he cared to count – that nothing had happened, that nothing would have happened, that nothing would ever happen!

And on some level he did believe them…well, he believed Kurt anyway. After all, they’d still been fully clothed and after all the hubbub with the 911 responders had been sorted out (god, what a nightmare that had been!) there was no doubt in his mind that Kurt had been drunk, even without the evidence of the empty wine bottles and glasses to confirm it. In their four years together, he’d only seen Kurt drunk three times.

And other particulars of their story were easily verified. The kitchen had been neat as a pin. No leftover crumbs, no unwashed silverware or dishes in the sink or in the dishwasher. Kurt had never gotten around to making those sandwiches…unless they’d eaten first, cleaned up, and then proceeded to empty two bottles of wine in as many hours.

And Kurt was such a lightweight when it came to alcohol. And he was a horrible liar. There’d been no telltale fidgeting, no crimson-colored face, no shifting his eyes to the floor.

The TV had been blathering away when he’d walked through the unlocked door into their apartment which spoke to the fact that they’d obviously been watching something on TV and why would they lie about what movie they watched? The history was easy enough to check…..unless they’d used the hide feature, which they hadn’t. They had watched Pitch Perfect. But what if they’d watched porn too and hid the data on that? Blaine didn’t really believe that either. That just wasn’t Kurt…except Kurt had been drunk and that wasn’t Kurt either. And who cared if they’d watched porn anyway….they’d been fully clothed when he found them, not a single button undone, still wearing socks! Stop! Just stop this circular thinking! He sighed and flipped through his phone to distract himself.

Kurt had offered to go to the airport and wait with him, but he knew he’d say no, and who could blame him? He’d come home that night hoping that he and Kurt could make this trip together. That he could finally take the all-important step of introducing Kurt to his dad. This trip was almost the only thing he’d talked about for the past 2-1/2 months. And Kurt was painfully aware that part of that was the fact that he wanted to avoid talking about not just the elephant in the room, but the elephant that seemed to exist in every room of their loft.

Blaine had insisted that Clay shouldn’t move out. If nothing had happened then there was no reason for him to leave. It was just one of those things that happened in life that hopefully you could laugh about later, right? But Kurt knew that Blaine was being overly magnanimous, not only trying to convince them that he believed them, but trying to convince himself that what they said was true.

Clay and Kurt had talked about it….well, mostly texted about it because they tried to avoid any meaningful conversation when they were around Blaine or Rachel. And they’d agreed that it would be best for Clay to stay. If he left, Blaine would shoulder the blame and that would just add to the uneasy state of affairs they found themselves in.

And so, despite his better judgment, Clay had left his bags unpacked, at least for the time being. For a while the tension had been almost unbearable, but with each passing day it seemed to ease little by little. Or maybe that was wishful thinking……but Clay had stayed with the idea of revisiting his leaving after Blaine had left for his once-in-a-lifetime European tour.

They hadn’t even waited for the time when they knew Blaine would have boarded the plane, although it was unlikely that anything would happen that would warrant an unexpected return to the loft. “Well?” Rachel questioned, taking charge without even being asked as she always did, “What are we going to do? This,” Her hands shouted, encompassing everything around them, “is almost intolerable! I still think Clay should have moved out. It doesn’t matter that nothing happened because actually something did! It created this self-imposed silence and tension. I think we’ve crushed a million egg shells on these floors over the past months.” she said, figuratively speaking of course.

Clay shrugged his shoulders. “I know that Blaine still wants me to stay because he pulled me aside and said so, again, in no uncertain terms. He’s not stupid! He knew we’d be doing just what we’re doing right now.”

Kurt remained silent. He and Blaine had talked about this ad nauseum. And despite the fact that he’d not wanted Kurt to come on this trip with him, he still loved him. Kurt had even tried to give the engagement ring back until their relationship was back on firm footing again, but Blaine had refused to take it. “I only need a little time away to think things through…by myself,” he’d emphasized. “Kurt, I believe you….and Clay. I don’t think anything happened or that you’re lying or whatever. But I need some time alone.”

“Blaine, a good portion of the problem would be solved if Clay just moved out….for all of us, even Clay. We can barely have a civil conversation because every time we try we’re reminded of our own stupidity. And Rachel is stuck in the middle of it all. He’s her stepbrother, we’re her friends. No one has asked her to choose sides and she hasn’t. It’s just too much to ask of all of us to live here together unless Clay leaves or…..” he didn’t have any ideas to follow the or. But Blaine wouldn’t relent. “Kurt, why should Clay go through the hassle of moving over one mistake? It’s not like you planned what happened. Why aren’t we asking that you leave instead?” Blaine held up his right hand, “That was rhetorical….but you get what I’m saying?”

And, of course, Kurt understood what he was saying, but they both knew that asking Kurt to cross that bridge, and not Clay, would create an even more complicated set of circumstances…..circumstances neither Blaine nor Kurt were ready or willing to face.

“Okay, we’ve been stuck here with each other for over two months and you two will be going back to Lima for a few weeks. I’ll be here by myself.” Clay paused, hoping what he would say next would provide some reassurance. “Maybe a break is the right answer for all of us. Believe me, I’ll have to move out if this tension continues whether Blaine likes it or not. So, maybe we can table the discussion until ya’ll get back. It’ll give us all time to think without the others’ presence. Honestly, I don’t want to move. I like living with all of you, but none of us should have to live like this.”

They sat in silence waiting to see if anyone else had something to contribute and when it became apparent that no one did, Clay stood up and grabbed a Pepsi from the fridge telling the other two he’d be in his room. Closing the door, he flopped down on his unmade bed and surveyed the room, his eyes slowly drinking in what was his, with no desire to hit the streets of New York in search of a different home, different roommates…..what a dilemma!

But one thing, and maybe the only good thing that had come out of this mess was that it had destroyed any romantic feelings he might have had for Kurt.

After that debacle of a night, they’d all needed a breather from each other. Breather was definitely an apt term! It felt like every molecule of air had been sucked from the loft.

He’d hurriedly arranged to take a few days off work and returned to Lima to talk to Gene, the only person who knew about his feelings for Kurt. After describing what had happened, Clay had thrown his hands into the air and said, “What a mess over a stupid infatuation! I wasn’t in love with him, I’m NOT in love with him. In fact, I’m pretty sure both of us wouldn’t be too broken up if we never saw each other again.” Gene had been sympathetic and glad, actually, that at least that chapter in his son’s life was closed.

He couldn’t……well, more like he wouldn’t…..tell his son what to do about his current living arrangements though. If Blaine hadn’t been so adamant about Clay staying, the problem would have solved itself. Maybe there was a good reason Clay and the others were living this period of unrest between them. And much as he’d like to offer suggestions, they were all adults. Besides, Clay hadn’t asked for his input. Gene knew in this case he was more of a sounding board than anything else.

Rachel sighed, “Ya know, the place already feels a little less tense without Blaine here…..not because I don’t want him here,” she hastily finished her sentence. “Yeah, I know,” Kurt could feel it, too, and he certainly wanted him here. “Maybe all of us getting out of here for a while will be the answer. God! These past few months have been like waiting for a verdict in a trial that’s gone on for too long!”

As he went through his history, he found some old messages from Kurt that he hadn’t deleted. Placing the phone on his lap, he tipped his head back, closing his eyes. He missed him already, despite the fact that their relationship had been so unsettled. If truth be told, he’d been missing him for 2-1/2 months….missing them. He didn’t ever want to live apart from Kurt! And Kurt had made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere unless Blaine wanted him to.

As if on instant replay, his mind’s eye took a trip back in time to the last time they’d made love…the only thing that seemed to keep them grounded in what had become their tenuous relationship….they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, knowing that soon they’d be parting ways, and neither was sure what that meant about their future. Sometime during the night, he’d awakened to find himself laying on his left side, the soft sound of Kurt’s muffled crying piercing the darkness. He was trying mightily not to be heard, but that didn’t stop Blaine from hearing his anguish. Under normal circumstances he would have reached for him and tried to sooth whatever was causing the tears, but he couldn’t….he didn’t…..even though his heart and his body begged him to.

And that had been more agonizing than if he’d simply laid a comforting hand on his shoulder…..a simple touch. It was so strange. They still made love, had sex, but they’d lost the ability to connect on a deeper emotional level. They’d never even argued about what had happened that night! Surprisingly, Blaine had discovered he wasn’t angry; instead, he was numb….and when he did feel something it was more akin to sadness or fear. They just couldn’t seem to get beyond whatever was holding them hostage. As if too much honesty might sever the fragility that was barely holding them together.

He sighed as he watched his dad walk toward him oblivious to his son’s misery. Blaine knew he was looking forward to connecting with him on a deeper level….at a time when Blaine felt least capable of connecting with anyone on any level. But, he had to try. They’d spent too many years not connecting at all and he wanted to get closer to him. He’d been waiting all his life for this opportunity. Perhaps, refocusing his energy on Laine would help him sort out his relationship with Kurt.

As Laine approached he couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. Despite the mess he and Barb…well, mostly him, he reminded himself, had made of their marriage and the blame he had to shoulder for its demise, somehow against all odds he had perhaps managed to salvage the one good thing that had come out of it. He had high hopes for this trip, even though he tried to temper his expectations.

He wanted to show Blaine all the places he’d never really gotten to see in Europe, not because he hadn’t been there but because he’d most always been there on business. What he’d seen of cities like Paris and London or countries like Italy was mostly through the windows of taxis or along the sidewalks to and from the hotel to the boardrooms and offices of his overseas clients.

And he’d never taken this long away from work! Almost two months. His bosses were actually happy when he’d told them, knowing that when Laine was working he gave close to 200%. They’d manage, he was told, but just so he wouldn’t feel like he was too expendable, his boss had added that he should expect to give 250% when he returned, chuckling.

He was still mulling over the idea that wouldn’t leave him alone and, in all honesty, might have partly prompted this uncharacteristic vacation, although he didn’t want to admit it. He was tired of hiding who he was from Blaine…and yes, he’d finally accepted that it wasn’t what he was, but who. Bisexuality wasn’t something he could simply dispose of any more than Blaine could dispose of being gay. It wasn’t like it could be surgically removed. Sure, he could continue to hide it, but he was so tired of carrying the burden by himself. Perhaps their sexual identities were something they could actually bond over…..perhaps.

He’d discussed it with Barb, but she told him she wasn’t going to let him off the hook by telling him what to do. She’d never thought she’d see the day when he and Blaine actually had a relationship of any kind. She’d assumed that when she’d insisted that he tell Blaine his secret after Blaine graduated college that he would wait until the last possible second. As far as she was concerned, the sooner the better.

And why the sooner the better? Thankfully, her secret regarding Blaine’s parentage was still in her own version of Pandora’s box; sometimes it even felt like a secret from herself. Sometimes she forgot that Laine wasn’t Blaine’s biological father. But then something would remind her, a father in the park playing with his son, Blaine referring to Laine as “my dad,” instead of just dad, a woman pausing her stroller as even strangers gathered to have a look-see at the cuteness wrapped in blankets that lay inside. And in those moments it became clear once again why she wanted them to believe they were truly father and son….perhaps with a horrible start to their relationship, but father and son nonetheless.

She had no clue who Blaine’s biological father was; he was just a number, but one she’d memorized whether she wanted to or not. When she’d decided to conceive Blaine by IVF via a sperm donor, she hadn’t counted on the progressive march of the science surrounding DNA to become so sophisticated. She’d thought that Blaine and Laine could probably go through their lives never having their DNA tested. And then heritage sites like Ancestry and 23AndMe had started to pop up like mushrooms and all she could do was hope that neither of them would ever take advantage of them or even take an interest.

Her reasoning was that if they developed a good relationship, they wouldn’t care if and when they ever discovered they weren’t related by blood. She knew that was faulty reasoning, but she couldn’t think of any other way to live with her secret. Blaine deserved a father, a person who was a real dad, someone invested in his life and Laine was finally stepping up to the plate. And again, the mystery dad was just a number, right?

Of course she wasn’t uneducated about the new developments in sperm donation and the ways in which people could find the information they were seeking. Blaine’s donor had chosen to remain anonymous and that’s exactly what Barb had wanted. But, that had been nearly 20 years ago. She knew that now if a person really wanted that information they could probably get it if they were determined to find it.

No! As difficult as it was she would keep her secret and if the day ever came when she had to explain herself….well, she hoped she’d be prepared. But that was the future. The present was Blaine and Laine spending two months together. That in itself was some sort of miracle! Laine was pinning a lot of hope on this trip and so was Barb, but only she knew that. She would not stand in the way of Blaine finally having an accessible father.

In spite of all that had happened, Clay was looking forward to having the loft all to himself while Rachel and Kurt were in Lima. He’d never told Kurt or Rachel and certainly not Blaine about the feelings he’d had for Kurt. And now he was relieved that he’d managed to keep it a secret.

Despite being plastered that night he remembered it pretty clearly. Of course he couldn’t remember the incidentals like the name of the movie or even watching the movie itself. All he could think about was the fact that he was laying on the floor next to Kurt under a blanket – the closest he’d ever been to Kurt’s body.

He remembered the lingering scent of his cologne, their silly laughter over the smallest thing….but mostly the feel of his body, even fully clothed, so warm and very accessible. He’d had to fight with everything he had not to reach over and touch him and at one point Kurt had actually reached over and touched Clay! He’d done it in reference to something that was part of the movie and then he’d left his hand resting on his back. With determination, Clay had refocused his attention on the now unremembered movie, barely breathing. Half hoping that Kurt’s hand would remain on his back or better yet forget who he was touching and, dare he hope? make a pass.

But the next thing he knew he’d sneaked a peek at Kurt and his eyes were closed, appearing to be asleep. Slowly, he rolled over onto his side so he could watch him….watch him for the first time ever….in private. When he was sure that Kurt was truly asleep and not just resting his eyes, he’d dared to place a sweaty palm on Kurt’s waist.

Holding his breath, he waited for Kurt to remove his hand from Clay’s arm….the warmth of it feeling more like a fire on his skin. His eyes settled on Kurt’s heart-shaped face. He was beyond handsome…..that fragile-appearing porcelain skin, those lips he’d longed to kiss for so long and if it was possible, without his captivating eyes open, he looked wiser than his years. And that was one of the things that had drawn him to Kurt. His wisdom, his ability to hear and see past the superficial.

He smiled to himself and whispered so low that he could barely hear himself, “Kurt, I know you’d never want to hear this, but I think I’m in love with you.” Even then Clay feared acknowledging something that might not be true, but damn it! At the time it had felt true! Thank God, Kurt had never heard him say that!

And even more, he was glad that Kurt would never know that he’d slid his hand below Kurt’s waist and settled it right over his clothed cock, still holding his breath. When Kurt didn’t stir he’d closed his own eyes, his hand remaining where it was.

His half-drunk mind meandered through all of the fantasies he’d had about he and Kurt. Just the two of them and not as roommates but as a couple. Sometimes they were in bed in some place other than the loft – a fancy hotel room, his room at home with no one else around – who knew where they were and who cared? – a cabin in the woods with a fire crackling in the fire place. Or he’d imagine them in a hidden cove on a white sand beach, half naked, hidden from the tourists who passed by, trying not to giggle too much, touching each other, maybe for the first time….

Sometimes his mind would want to throw in a third person because in his fantasies they weren’t a monogamous couple. He liked the idea of watching Kurt with someone else or Kurt watching him with someone else. Or someone else watching them? The idea of a threesome, he liked that a lot! But if it was just he and Kurt that was okay, too. He could adapt to being monogamous he assured himself.

And then his thoughts brought him back to the present, but he didn’t want to open his eyes. His hand still rested on the zipper over Kurt’s cock, and unconsciously he realized he’d been tracing the outline under his jeans. He edged nearer until their bodies were as close to touching as he’d dared. He knew if Kurt woke up, he’d be mortified, maybe even angry, but, Clay reasoned, he could always lie and say he’d fallen asleep and had been dreaming about Angelo. He just wanted to be close to him, to feel the warmth of his breath as it caressed his face.

How he wanted to kiss his lips, to gently run his fingers over his face and down the length of his body, obeying his uncontrolled moans as Clay satisfied his hunger. In his fantasies, Kurt always wanted him as much as he wanted Kurt. He imagined Kurt hurriedly helping him unbutton his shirt, unzipping his pants as Clay worked to loosen the button on his jeans…….it was their first time. The kiss they’d begun only intensified as they divested themselves of their clothing.

Clay knew he should just get up and go to bed….alone!…. before he made a total idiot of himself, taking the chance that Kurt wouldn’t wake up to find his hand pressed more firmly over his cock, his breathing ragged, his lips mere inches from Kurt’s. But this might be the only chance he had of being this close……so close to the object of his desire.

He willed his eyes closed again, took a slow, deep breath, and removed his wandering hand, clenching it by his side. He barely whispered sweet nothings, telling Kurt how beautiful he was, saying things like, “If we were together..” this or that would happen (all good, of course). And then, he kissed his index finger and placed it lightly on Kurt’s cheek, forcing himself to move back to where he’d been laying before.

The rational Clay, the one that usually governed his words and actions, kept telling him that he should get up and go to bed, to leave Kurt to his slumber being none the wiser about what had just happened.

But, his brain was foggy from wine, his heart was aching and the part of him that spoke only of the temptations that he longed to satisfy reminded him again that this may be his only chance to lay beside Kurt much less in bed or on a beach or anywhere else.

After laying there for what seemed like an eternity just watching Kurt sleep, he’d clamped his eyes closed again and rolled over facing away from him. He was tired, so very tired of fighting his feelings for Kurt. Feelings he understood deep down were probably not love. He knew they were probably the kind of love a person imagined when they were rebounding from a broken relationship.

It was more than likely misplaced love. He wanted a relationship again. He wanted to come home to someone who was happy to see him. Someone he could talk to and laugh with. Someone who loved his company and missed him when they were apart. He wanted someone to fall asleep with and someone to wake up to. And even though most people probably wouldn’t see a couple in an open relationship as an “average couple,” he and Angelo had been all of the things he longed for.

At one point, Kurt had almost canceled his trip to Lima. Yes, he needed to get out of New York, out of this apartment with its memories. He hated sleeping alone, arriving home with no smiling Blaine eager to hear about his day and share his own. Barely a moment passed that he didn’t picture Blaine wherever he might be at that moment if things had been different….if that night had never happened. And then he’d be reminded of that!

And yet, Lima provided it’s own host of memories of him and Blaine. There was hardly a place he could go where an often vivid reminder didn’t linger. And especially in his own home..the house he’d grown up in..but he had to get away from New York! All three of them were heading in different directions for a reason. Sure, Clay could have gone back to Lima, too. He could have stayed with Gene, but his home was New York, even more so than Kurt and Rachel. For Kurt, New York was just a place to live while preparing himself for another destination. And Rachel was also a student. Sure, she said that her interests lay on Broadway, but that could change. For Clay, New York was where he felt most at home. He loved its constant hum of lives lived at a pace that was more like a race. It motivated him. And the idea had been to take time alone in an effort to make a major decision about their future as roommates, as friends even.

Burt handed him a cup of steaming hot coffee, one cream, two sugars, and settled in for a chat. Kurt hadn’t said much since he’d come home. He’d been rather subdued, but had spent much of his time at Breadsticks with members of the Glee Club who had either decided to stay in Lima or were also visiting over the summer. He was even helping Mr. Schue plan some summer workshops.

And Burt hadn’t pressured him. He already knew the story of what had happened, or he guessed, hadn’t happened between Kurt and Clay, but had done almost as much damage as if it had. He watched silently as Kurt avoided the back porch at all costs it would seem. Much as he wanted to comfort him, to tell him everything would be okay, he knew he couldn’t. For one, he didn’t know everything would be okay and Kurt was no longer a boy. So, as difficult as it was, he’d waited for Kurt to come to him.

Carole had returned to Michigan to visit family for the weekend. They’d been planning a reunion for a year, hoping that if they planned it well in advance more people would be able to make it. And since Kurt was home, she’d told Burt he didn’t have to come. She also knew about Kurt’s latest problem and figured it could give them time alone to talk….if that’s what Kurt wanted Burt reminded her.

And so, here they were, Kurt smiling up at his dad as he handed him the coffee, and then looking back down at the table, sighing. For a while they sat in silence. “Um, I never told you this, but Blaine asked me to marry him.” Burt was surprised to say the least! Of course he knew that that was probably going to happen some day…..

“And what did you say?” Burt ventured. Kurt cleared his throat, wrapping his hands around the coffee mug as if he needed the extra warmth to continue. “I told him that I’d accept the ring, but that we should wait until after we got to California….or wherever we ended up after college…..and now it seems that we might be ending up nowhere….” he stopped because continuing might bring on the tears that he’d been trying to hold back.

“He gave you a ring?” Burt asked. Wow! This was serious. “Yeah….Dad, it’s beautiful and he said when he saw it, it was so me….and it is.” He stopped, taking a breath and clearing his throat again. “It’s in a safety deposit box in New York. I promised him that once he graduated we’d have a huge engagement party…..and now? I offered to give it back, but he wanted me to keep it.” “Well, that’s a good sign, isn’t it?”

“Dad, I don’t know what’s a good sign anymore! And he says he believes me…and Clay…that nothing happened….but…I keep wondering what I would think or do if I was Blaine. Even if nothing happened….and it didn’t…!” Kurt emphasized, “I put myself in a position where something could have!” As Kurt raised his eyes, Burt could see the confusion and uncertainty reflecting back at him.

“Kurt, you…and Clay….made a mistake. And the fact that you and Blaine are still together on some level tells me that Blaine is working on forgiving you. You two have been together going on five years and this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, right?” Burt waited; this wasn’t a rhetorical question.

“Yeah…I mean as far as I know. Other than the year we spent apart when he was still in school here, we’re together pretty much all the time and I like it that way! And technically we’re engaged, even though no one but you knows. And he didn’t want the ring back. In fact, he was adamant about it! So, that tells me he doesn’t want to…..” Kurt couldn’t stop the tears and Burt rose from his chair, taking Kurt into his arms knowing there were no words that could take away the pain.

Blaine had been up early and their flight was a long one even though it was nonstop. He’d settled into the window seat. His dad had said he’d seen more than enough sky from an airplane window in his lifetime. He closed his eyes after telling Laine he was going to try to catch a nap and Laine had promised himself he was leaving work behind. And to make sure he did, he hadn’t brought his briefcase and hadn’t brought his work laptop along. He took the earbuds he’d rarely used and put them in his ears succumbing to music as he closed his eyes as well.

Blaine’s attempt at sleep wasn’t working. His heart was torn in two. Yes, he’d intended for this trip to help him sort out he and Kurt’s relationship. What he believed and what he didn’t. How he wanted to move forward…and he…they, he so wanted it to be they….because forward was their only choice no matter what conclusions they came to during this time apart. He loved Kurt so much and even that night when he was sure the end of his life was laying there on the floor of the loft, he never doubted Kurt’s love for him.

But there had been a reason why he hadn’t wanted Clay to move out. A reason he had put them all through the misery of the past months. And he knew that if not for him and his supposed magnanimous desire to not send Clay packing, he would have left on his own.

But, it had nothing to do with him being magnanimous. In fact, it had more to do with being selfish. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing Kurt and if he was being honest, at least with himself, he’d forgiven Kurt a long time ago.

He’d been living in a love/hate relationship with himself for some time, but he’d managed to keep it from interfering with his life, never allowing himself to dig too deeply and bring it out into the light of day. Until that night…..when it had turned itself loose again. There was more than one reason why he and Kurt couldn’t get past the roadblock that that night had placed between them.

And this trip? It was more about him than Kurt. This trip and the decisions he made would either make or break their relationship. The thought of living his life without Kurt was unbearable but living his life with himself, knowing what he knew? He knew the answer. He knew what had to be done. He’d always known. But no one else did and as hard as it was to accept, that had to change.

Clay accepted the glass of red wine Kurt offered, quickly taking a big sip to calm his nerves. I hope Kurt didn’t notice that, his mind whispered….drinking the wine like an alcoholic trying unsuccessfully to go cold turkey. The one thing he’d been trying to avoid for months had finally happened. He should have known he couldn’t avoid it forever. When Blaine had texted Kurt earlier telling him his dad was in town unexpectedly and wanted to meet for dinner, Kurt took it in stride, although he was a little bit disappointed. He and Blaine had made plans to take in a Broadway show, a rare occasion. They’d seen Cats before, but between their hectic schedules and Kurt’s finances, it just wasn’t something they could afford to do very often. Despite Blaine’s protests that he could cover the cost for both tickets and dinner, Kurt insisted he wouldn’t take advantage of the fact that Blaine’s dad was basically supporting him until he graduated.

Sliding his iPhone into a pants pocket, he stood on the sidewalk, people flowing around him as if he didn’t exist in typical New York fashion. What now? he thought. Going out was not an option; there was no place he wanted to go alone on a Friday night; God, he hated making last minute plans! Suddenly the loft seemed like the perfect place to spend the evening. In fact, a whole evening at home sounded pretty good. No work, no practices, no studying that couldn’t be put off until Sunday. Yeah! A night at home would probably assuage his disappointment, a glass of wine, some TV maybe, reading a book? Of course, he knew chances were good that he wouldn’t be alone alone, but he could always escape to their bedroom if he wasn’t in the mood for company.

Clay heard the soft click of the key in the lock and sighed inwardly. As was more usual than not, it appeared that one of his roomies had had a change in plans. Or maybe they were just making a quick stop at the loft before heading out for the evening, he thought, mentally crossing his fingers. Rachel’s plans had included practice and then an evening out with the other dancers. And he knew about the play that Kurt and Blaine had planned to see, they’d talked about it all week. They’d seen it so many times even they’d lost count, but that didn’t stop them from picking it apart and putting it all back together again, scene by scene. And he’d really been looking forward to a night alone, just himself and some video games, the TV, a few beers, maybe even some wine instead. He wasn’t sure. The only thing he’d been sure of was that he’d be blissfully alone. And now? Well, he guessed he’d just have to see what happened after that door opened.

“Hey, Clay,” Kurt said removing the burdens of his backpack and jacket. Clay almost said, “What are you doing here?” as if he didn’t have every right to be. Instead he said, “Where’s Blaine? I thought you guys were going to a play. Cats, right?” As if he couldn’t remember the name? Kurt sighed as he let his backpack slip to the floor. “We were, but Blaine’s dad is in town, some unexpected business stuff, I guess. Anyway, they’re going out to dinner, so here I am,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. Hmmm…..he doesn’t seem all that upset about it, Clay noticed….naahhhh, I’m probably imagining that.

“Oh,” was all Clay could think of to say. “So what are your plans then?” he asked, praying like mad that he’d say he was going somewhere, anywhere! besides here. “I don’t know, I thought I’d just hang out here for a change. It seems like I’m always going somewhere and not that I’m complaining but Blaine and I are hardly ever apart. You don’t mind, do you?”

What? Did he mean did he mind if he hung out here or did he mind that he and Blaine were hardly ever apart? Now there was a loaded question if ever there was one! Clay was trying hard to regroup. Half of him was thrilled to have Kurt standing there without Blaine, actually wanting to stay home. The other half kept telling him to change his own plans. Do anything, go anywhere, but definitely not stay here with Kurt!

“If you don’t have any plans maybe I could fix some dinner and we could watch TV or something.” Kurt said, seeming completely unaware of Clay’s dilemma, which was a good thing in Clay’s mind. He could easily make some excuse about having plans, in fact he was just leaving! That wouldn’t surprise Kurt at all. Friday nights were almost always his “out to meet the boys” night as he often described it. And he almost reached for his light jacket on the coat tree, when the inner voice of temptation said, “Oh, come on, Clay, you can handle this. Isn’t it time you faced up to it?”

“No!” his warring self said, “I’ve already faced up to it. I’m already handling it.” “Oh, yeah, really? Avoiding him isn’t the answer and you know it.” “Oh, and spending an evening alone with him is????”

“You want out of this dead end? Prove to yourself you’re strong enough to move past it. It’s an infatuation, right? Not a love story with a happy ending. Show yourself! Show me!” His thoughts riding round and round on the carousel that always accompanied his feelings about Kurt.

Clay felt like he was on the losing end of the rope in a game of tug-of-war. “How about a glass of wine?” Kurt said, not waiting for Clay to say one way or the other if he was staying at home. “Or would you prefer a beer?” Hanging up his coat Kurt headed for the refrigerator, peering inside to see what they had, hoping to find the two bottles of Raymond Cabernet Napa Reserve that had been a Christmas gift from his parents. Without thinking, Clay followed Kurt to the kitchen, and sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. He wanted this….he didn’t want this….and adding alcohol to the indecision probably wasn’t the best idea, but “just one glass” his inner self whispered. “Just one glass to be sociable and I’ll get out of here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think to ask if you had plans.” Kurt said, hesitating before reaching for one of the bottles. “Um…..oh, you know the usual….I was just….” he wanted to say leaving, but instead the words that escaped his lips were something like, “I was just going to hang out here, play some video games, maybe watch some TV…you know.”

Kurt nodded and withdrew his hand, glancing behind him. “Well, I can always go to our room. Give you some space. It’s not often any of us get a chance to be alone here. Look, I’ll just get some wine and be out of your hair. I’ll make us some sandwiches quick, okay?”

“Kurt, you don’t have to go to your room,” he almost laughed as he realized it sounded like a parent banishing their child as punishment for some petty kiddy crime. “Sit down for a minute. You just got home,” Clay said, knowingly surrendering, handing his end of the rope to his imaginary opponent, allowing the wrong inner voice to win the game. He was so tired of fighting his feelings and it wasn’t like he was planning anything other than a night with a roommate doing what guys did, he justified. Even if he wanted something to happen he knew the likelihood of that was pretty much zero.

As they settled in with their wine, Kurt said, “Here’s to a night alone!” and laughed at his own unoriginality. “Ya know, I don’t think we’ve had a real conversation since you moved in. Now that I think about it, I feel sort of guilty.” “Why should you feel guilty? I mean, we both have busy lives and if you really think about it, you don’t have much time to talk to Rachel either. And you and Blaine are……well, what you are….practically engaged. It’s only natural for you to spend most of your free time with him.”

Ignoring the words “practically engaged” – no one was supposed to know that! – he said, “Yeah, I guess so,” really looking at Clay for the first time. He realized that he still thought of Clay as that kid visiting his dad back in Lima. That he’d spent so much time with Blaine that he hadn’t really paid much attention to Clay, the man and not the boy. What did he really know about him and his life in New York other than he usually spent Friday nights “out with the boys.”

He didn’t want to get too personal but found himself asking, “So, where did you live before you moved in here? I mean, other than New York. Did you have other roommates? Did you go to college? And I know none of this is any of my business, really….”

“No, no….that’s okay. It’s not like my life is top secret. Not nearly interesting enough to be that! Yeah, I went to college for a couple of years, but college just wasn’t my thing, and it wasn’t here in New York.” he said, swallowing a little bit of wine. “I went to Coastline College in Newport Beach. I forced myself to get a two-year degree, but….like I said, not my thing.” He stopped, realizing the other question was a land mine, but the wine was beginning to loosen his tongue and send any commonsense thoughts into hiding. “Yeah, I’ve had other roommates…..some when I was in college. You know, the usual party house atmosphere while trying to maintain a decent grade point average,” he sort of laughed.

“Oh!” Kurt exclaimed, “you went to college in California. How did you like it? Blaine and I are thinking of moving there after he graduates. The Hollywood lights beckon,” he smiled. Glad for the change of subject, Clay replied, “I loved living in California, but I had to transfer to New York when I started working for IBM. Maybe someday I’ll get back there or at least I hope to.”

Should he continue? Probably not. He’d been given an out with the change of subject, but Kurt interrupted his thoughts with, “would you like some more wine?” Kurt’s glass was still about a quarter full and Clay’s maybe a little less. Taking another sip, Kurt got up again, poured a little more, and said, “I’ll fix those sandwiches in a few minutes.” So, you lived alone then after you moved here?” I could lie, he thought, taking another sip, it wasn’t like Kurt was going to hire a detective to verify his past, but Clay said, “No…..I, um, moved here with my partner, Angelo,” it was as if his voice had distanced itself from his body. Stop! his cautious self said, but it was muffled by the deafening effects of a waterfall of wine on an empty stomach.

“Look, Clay, you sound like you really don’t want to talk about him,” Kurt had been too busy getting more wine and had forgotten the name that Clay seemed to utter very reluctantly. But he was curious. He’d never taken Clay for a one-man type of guy and who knew how long it had lasted? Anyway, he’d given Clay a way out…..but it appeared he wasn’t going to take it as he continued, seeming almost oblivious to Kurt’s words.

“I was with Angelo for almost three years. You probably don’t remember him, but he was in glee club, too. I think ya’ll might have been in one competition together, regionals probably or maybe nationals, but anyway…..yeah, we were together for almost three years,” he took a deep breath hoping it would keep him from repeating himself again.

Kurt nodded as if understanding something that hadn’t even been said yet. “Let’s go sit in the living room, okay?” he said, hoping to put Clay more at ease so he could possibly take the out he’d been given earlier….or he could simply continue while Kurt listened. If Kurt was nothing else, he was a good listener.

Clay followed him, carefully setting his wine glass on an end table, then plopping down in his favorite chair while Kurt did the same, taking the chair next to him. Despite his slightly foggy brain, Clay had been intentional about choosing that chair, favorite or not. Sitting with Kurt on the couch would have been letting temptation get the upper hand again.

Trying one more time, Kurt said, leaning toward Clay, “Ya know, we can change the subject.” Clay shook his head, looking almost resigned to retelling this story, almost like he felt he had to. “The only other person who knows about it is Rachel and, well, my dad. And I know I should be over him….it….over it…” he sort of mumbled, as if changing the word him to it could distance himself from the pain, “by now, but sometimes it still helps to talk about it.” Clay knew himself well enough to realize that Angelo was always in the back of his mind and still in his heart despite his feelings for Kurt. As pitiful as it sounded, if Angelo called right this minute, he’d have his bags packed and be ready to resume his life with him before the door to the loft could open and close behind him.

Closing his eyes, he sighed, and began the now all-to-familiar tale of Angelo. “Angelo was what you’d call my first love…and I was hoping my last. Like I said, we met at a glee club competition,” Kurt nodded. Clay hadn’t actually said that, but he got the idea and he didn’t want to interrupt. He could tell how hard this was for Clay.

“We were sort of like you and Blaine, I guess. When we met I knew he was “the one.” Clay sort of chuckled. “Don’t laugh when I tell you this, please, although I’m sure you’ll understand the irony of calling him “the one” because in one way we weren’t like you and Blaine. We weren’t a monogamous couple. Maybe you could think of us as soulmates with benefits? I don’t know. I don’t know if I even believe in soulmates anymore.”

Kurt couldn’t help himself, “You were together for three years, but not exclusive? Wow!” He almost said, “I couldn’t handle that,” but he didn’t. This conversation wasn’t about him.

“I know it’s hard to understand when you’ve never been in a relationship like that, but it worked so well for us. I mean, we had rules of course.” The wine was lowering Kurt’s defenses and he knew it, but for once it felt good to just let go, “So, if you don’t mind my asking, what were your rules?” he questioned reaching for the bottle of wine they’d brought with them.

“No, that’s okay, I started this conversation, right? Let’s see….we never spent more than a single night with another person, we always used protection and we had to tell each other when something had happened. It really wasn’t difficult for us. I loved him and he loved me; lust is what drove our other relationships….nonrelationships really. Oh, and we never had contact with whomever afterwards, no texts, no phone calls, nothing.”

Kurt was having a difficult time wrapping his already alcohol-addled brain around nonmonogamy as Clay called it. “So, what happened then?” “To be honest, I don’t really know for sure. It seemed to come out of nowhere! Angelo said he wasn’t ready to settle down. He insisted he hadn’t met someone else but I never really believed that. I think he found someone else he WAS ready to settle down with. And I don’t even know what he meant by settling down! When I asked, he didn’t have a real answer. And I’d never even asked him to settle down anyway!”

Clay could feel the tension in his voice, even with the calming effects of the wine to temper it. He could hear his voice rising, the anger he still felt, hoping he’d at least had that under control with time and distance. Hope….when it came to Angelo there was no hope, none. So why was he feeling the way he did about Kurt? Yet another hopeless situation. Was he just a glutton for punishment?

Without thinking, Kurt reached over and covered Clay’s hand with his own. It was a habit he had with everyone. It was an attempt at reassurance, hoping that it might calm the storms for whomever was on the receiving end of his contact. But for Clay the touch of his hand was none of those things. What he felt was the zing of lust traveling up his arm that he’d been fighting for months, and the wine seemed to give him permission to squeeze Kurt’s hand as if holding onto a life raft.

Kurt cleared his throat as sort of a signal to Clay, to give him time to anticipate what Kurt was going to say. “So, when did you two break up?” Clay didn’t let go of Kurt’s hand; in fact, he squeezed it even tighter. “Right before I moved in here. It almost felt like the whole thing was planned or something. One day I was with Angelo and the next Rachel was offering me a place to stay….not literally, of course, but you get what I mean. I really didn’t know what I was going to do.” he ducked his head, trying to stop the tears forming or at least stop Kurt from seeing them.

“Um, at the risk of sounding stupid, did you ever think that maybe if he’d found someone he wanted to settle down with, it meant he was tired of your non-monogamous relationship? How good were your communication skills, as a couple I mean?”

Clay took another sip of wine and accepted Kurt’s invitation of a tipped bottle as he filled both glasses again. “I thought they were pretty good. As far as the rules went neither of us ever broke them…or at least I didn’t and…honestly, I don’t think he did either. Maybe I was missing something, but it seemed to come out of nowhere. Oh….I already said that didn’t I?” He said, trying to force his mind back on track, “And we haven’t spoken since. He just left me wondering what I’d done wrong.” Clay said, “he kept using the old cliche of it’s not you, it’s me,” forcing the words out like they were ammunition flying from a cannon. Clay finally released Kurt’s hand….not because he wanted to but because he knew he had to.

“And maybe you’re right. Maybe he was tired of not being exclusive. We’d talked about marriage, but it always included an open relationship. I don’t know, I just…..don’t.”

Kurt wasn’t sure how to respond so he remained quiet for a few minutes, his hand still covering Clay’s. He never thought he’d see Clay, the macho man, almost in tears. Maybe Angelo had felt the same way, viewing Clay as unreachable. But after three years? Surely, he’d let down his guard a few times in that time period, especially since they’d had an open relationship….and taking the time and energy to set up rules and abide by them. That showed intention. They’d wanted the relationship to work.

As if reading Kurt’s mind, Clay said, trying to control his voice, “Kurt, what do you think of open relationships?” God! He shouldn’t be having this conversation and especially with Kurt! Kurt remained silent for a few minutes longer. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, he just needed some time to think about what his answer would be to that question…a loaded question, although he was unaware of it.

“Wow….well, I’ve never really thought about it. Blaine and I haven’t ever discussed it. I guess we just assumed we’d be monogamous.” He sighed, “I guess I’d find it difficult though. It’s hard enough trying to make a two-person relationship work. Adding other people? Even if they’re only hookups….it’s still sort of like adding another person to consider. Even with the rules you set up, I would think there’d always be a chance that one of those guys might actually become more to you than just a one-nighter. And practicing safe sex would have to be a must. I don’t know, Clay. If you really want an answer I’d have to think about it for a while.”

Trying to unravel the gauze that seemed to surround his brain at the moment, he decided that doing something other than talking might be in order. Part of him hoped that Blaine or Rachel would arrive to rescue him from this situation and part of him didn’t want it to ever end. Oops! The first wine bottle was empty….when did that happen?

“More wine?” he asked Kurt, reaching for the second bottle. Kurt knew he should say no. He’d already gone past his two-drink limit, but….he wasn’t driving tonight…what was he thinking? Of course he wasn’t driving. No one drove in New York except taxi drivers. His muddled brain said no, but what came out of his mouth was, “Sure, why not?” “Here’s to….oh, I don’t know,” Clay said as he raised his glass and clinked it with Kurt’s. “Good wine!” Kurt smiled. That smile…those dimples…his laughing eyes…..Clay tried to look away, but just couldn’t.

He heard Kurt’s seemingly disembodied voice ask, “So, I’m curious. Why did you guys want an open relationship? I mean, didn’t you ever get jealous? Or wonder about the other guys? Weren’t you ever afraid that they’d somehow interfere with your relationship….maybe not physically, but, like, in your thinking?”

Clay tried to gather his thoughts enough to address the question. Sipping his wine, he said, “Well, that’s the thing. We were always very honest about the other guys. We’d talk about what we’d done. The only thing we never talked about was names. Neither of us wanted to know their names. And it actually kind of drew us closer. It was like a shared secret or something. Wow….um….” he sighed having lost his train of the thought in the haze of alcohol. “It was sort of a turn-on for us, imagining each other with someone else? I know that sounds…..I don’t know how it sounds really, but we’d try some of the things we’d done with the other guys that we’d never done before with each other.”

Kurt attempted to analyze that with little success. “Whose idea was it?” “I don’t know really. Let me think back.” he said trying extra hard. “Hmmm….” he mumbled. “I guess it all started when we’d been together for about four or five months. We were looking on Google for some different ideas and ran across open relationships. We couldn’t believe the statistics on gay couples. Supposedly, around 30% of gay couples have open relationships. Course, we didn’t believe everything we read on Google. So, we started checking out chat rooms. Did you know that there are actually groups out there for nonmonogamous couples?” he sort of snickered, with slightly slurred speech.

“Like support groups or something?” Kurt laughed with him, a quiet burp escaping his lips. “Something like that….and I know it sounds kinda crazy, but it really helped keep us on track and…..well, sort of held us accountable.” He giggled, “Sort of like AA for….” Kurt interrupted, practically shouting as he laughed, “for gays! AA for gays!”

Their eyes met and they couldn’t stop laughing, even toasting AA for gays in the process. “And I even continued to go to the group after….” what was his name again? How could he forget his name? he stumbled over the finally remembered name, “Ang….Angela…lo, Angelo! left. I mean I didn’t sit there and slam him in front of everybody….I just sort of hoped they could give me some insight.” Clay stopped talking, trying to keep his mind on topic, but also remembering that dreadful time in his life.

Of course, everyone sympathized. Some had even been through the same thing before, just not with their current partner. After going backward for a while hoping to see something Clay may not have seen, they decided to focus on his future without Angelo instead. No one knew this, not even Rachel or his dad, but some of those Friday nights “out with the boys” had been spent with this group. They didn’t need to know. He wanted them to believe he was over him….it….whatever.

“So, did it help?” Kurt asked, sipping the wine ever so slightly. Clay laid his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes. “Yeah, but mostly I was left with the question of, if I wanted a long-term relationship again, did I want it to be open or not. I still don’t know……that’s the only serious relationship I’ve ever had.”

“Would you like to watch some TV?” he mumbled. He loved talking to Kurt, especially with no one else there, but he was tired of talking about Angelo. Angelo, Smangelo…either way he was gone.

“Sure, I guess,” even in his wine-fogged brain, Kurt could take the hint. And he felt so relaxed. “A movie maybe?” After checking what was available, they decided to watch Pitch Perfect. They both liked music and both knew about competitions. It was something they wouldn’t have to think about too much.

Kurt got up, needing to go to the restroom….and he made it, but not without weaving slowly along the path leading from the living room to the bathroom. He dimmed the lights before he returned, took one of the pillows from the couch, tossed it on the floor and grabbed the big afghan that lay on the back of the couch. “I haven’t done this since I was a kid!” he crowed. “Done what?” Clay asked, as he attempted the same route through the living room that Kurt had just taken. Why had he turned the lights off?

When he returned, he found Kurt laying on the floor on his stomach, the remote in hand, having left his almost empty wine glass behind. “Here,” he said to Clay, patting the floor next to him. He reached around, grabbed another pillow off the couch and laid it down next to him. Now he knew what Kurt was saying. He was having a hard time focusing, but it looked like fun…laying on the floor watching TV in the dark. He would have suggested popcorn, but neither of them was in any shape to make it. Kurt flipped the channel to the movie, resting his head on his hand under his chin, up on an elbow.

It was later than he’d planned and Blaine tried to be quiet as he attempted to unlock the door……but it wasn’t locked. They never left the door unlocked. Living in New York didn’t lend itself to feeling secure behind an unlocked door. Hmmm….he shut the door behind him making doubly sure that it was locked. Kurt might still be up and Clay was probably out with the boys, but he didn’t want to wake anyone just in case. The only light he could see was from the glow of the TV, but nothing was on….as if it was waiting for the next movie or show to come on.

He glanced at the couch, but as far as he could tell in the lack of lighting, no one was laying on it and none of the living room chairs seemed to be occupied. Maybe someone had just forgotten to shut it off. He made his way back to their bedroom, opening the door quietly, but Kurt wasn’t there either. Maybe the solarium? Nope, no Kurt. Maybe he’d decided to go out, but usually Kurt would have texted him or at least left a note, so he checked the kitchen table. No note, no used dishes…..

Well, maybe he didn’t want to disturb my time with dad, he considered. He decided he’d try texting him after he got undressed and ready for bed. But first, he needed to shut off the TV. He certainly wasn’t interested in watching it.

He made his way around the couch, looking for the remote. Hmmm….it was usually on the end table closest to the TV on the right side of the couch…..so…he started searching but then thought, oh come on, Blaine! You don’t need the remote, he chided himself, as he purposefully walked over to the TV and shut it off.

There was just enough light from the kitchen for him to make his way back to their bedroom and since it appeared that no one was home, he didn’t have to be quiet. Getting out of his clothes he decided to take a quick shower, mulling over the talk he’d had with his dad. He was really kind of excited! A summer trip to Europe? Even with all the moves, he’d never been outside of the US. Of course, he wouldn’t want to go without Kurt, but he had time to talk that over with his dad. He was nervous about introducing them. His dad may have finally been accepting of his being gay, but he knew nothing about Kurt. Oh, well, there was plenty of time.

He stepped from the shower and into the steamy humidity, toweling himself dry. Grabbing his phone from the bed where he’d tossed it, he sat down on the bed and quickly sent Kurt a text, “Where r u babe?” Staring at the phone waiting for a reply he heard a familiar sound. Kurt’s phone? He would never leave the house without his phone. This was getting scary! Unlocked doors…..lights out…TV left on… He tried again…..hearing the muffled bleat of his ring tone again.

It must be in the kitchen or the living room. It definitely wasn’t here in the bedroom. He wrapped a bath towel around his waist, padding barefoot down the hallway going in search of Kurt’s phone. He checked the kitchen first. At least he had a little lighting there. But? Not in the kitchen. As he turned to make his way around the living room again, he caught a glint from the end table nearest the door. Maybe that’s where it was. Why hadn’t he thought to bring his phone with him? Leaning closer, he didn’t see Kurt’s phone, but he saw a pair of wine glasses. That must have been where the glimmer of light came from.

Oh! There was the phone, he thought, patting down one of the chairs. Stuck between the edges of the cushion. Okay, now where was Kurt? He could check his messages. Maybe there was a clue there.

Puzzled, he tried to maneuver around the couch in the dark…..why didn’t he just turn on the lights? Mentally smacking his head, he thought, geez, I only had one drink and that was hours ago! But he was tired. And the dimmer switch was on the wall next to the door. Sighing, he turned around, and almost tripped over one of the two bodies laying there and what looked like an afghan tossed carelessly over them. Catching himself before falling, he almost gasped, but then walked backwards a few steps.

No……no, no, no…..he wasn’t seeing this. This wasn’t happening. Not Kurt! Please, not Kurt! And who was laying beside him? Forgetting that he held Kurt’s phone in his hand, his hands shaking, his mind wouldn’t settle on what to do. He could hear himself gulping air accompanied by his shallow breathing. It was like his body was frozen in place while his thoughts moved a mile a minute. “Kurt?” he hissed, his voice not sounding like his own. No reply. “Kurt…” he was almost in tears by now. Still….nothing.

What should he do? Any courage he might have had had disappeared. He didn’t want to touch them….either of them because…..what if…..what if…..no! his brain screamed, skittering away from the horrifying thought! But, he had to do something! What if they were still……stop it, Blaine, just stop it!

Glancing down at his trembling hands, it was as if he noticed the phone for the first time. 911….call 911….punching in the numbers as quickly as he could, he waited for his lifeline to pick up on the other end.

He should go turn on the lights. That’s where he’d been headed when he’d discovered….this. But his feet refused to move.

Attempting to bring himself under control, he closed his eyes, took some slow, deep breaths and steadied himself on the arm of the couch, opened his eyes again and just stared…..as his world seemed to crumble to the floor around him, shattering everything he’d ever believed to be true.

Kurt caught the mischievous wink from his dad. Nothing could erase the smile on Kurt’s face tonight! Carole gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as they waited for the graduation ceremony to begin. He could hardly contain his happiness and the pride he felt for Blaine. It had been so hard after Kurt had graduated from McKinley a little over a year and a half ago. Him in New York, Blaine finishing high school in Lima.

He was especially proud of Blaine for staying at McKinley even after Kurt’s move to the Big Apple. His father would have had the transfer papers signed in a New York minute, no pun intended, if Blaine had given him the slightest indication that he was willing to return to Dalton, but by then Blaine had no desire to give up a public school education in exchange for Dalton’s rarified private school atmosphere. Laine still didn’t understand what had prompted his decision to leave Dalton for a school so thoroughly ordinary as McKinley, but he kept his thoughts to himself.

The Glee Club members had embraced him without reservation. At first, he’d quietly kept his distance. He was sure his dual talents of singing and dancing were the main reasons for their warm welcome. After all, they were basically a small group of outcasts and new to the glee club competition scene. They honestly did need what Blaine had to offer! But when the invitations to casual nights at Breadsticks and parties kept coming, he knew he’d found his home.

His friendships in the Glee Club went far deeper than any that he had had at Dalton and staying at McKinley made him feel closer to Kurt, he said.

Laine made small talk with the parents on either side of him while trying to spot Barb in the audience. He found her in the fifth row center with her friend from Appleton, Teresa. He’d almost suggested that they sit together, but this was Blaine’s night to shine. Why make the evening awkward at best and uncomfortable at the least? They had little to say to each other these days….but at least their conversations had become civil, rarely unsheathing their tongues preparing to spar like enemies getting ready to do battle.

That sweet boy, Kurt, she thought. He’d invited her to join him and his parents, but she’d convinced him otherwise, quietly reminding him of the danger of doing so.

Although Laine and Blaine seemed to have come to some sort of workable truce, maybe even a budding father/son relationship, and he knew Blaine had a boyfriend, he didn’t know his name and was adamant that he didn’t want to know. Maybe her concern was unfounded, but she didn’t want to publicly draw attention to Kurt in any way.

At times she still questioned whether the changes she’d seen in Laine were real…..or that there wasn’t some ulterior motive for what seemed like his sudden interest in Blaine. Still, when it came to certain subjects, he still sought ignorance over knowledge, especially self-knowledge, and Blaine’s boyfriend, whomever he may be, could remain in the shadows forever as far as he was concerned.

Blaine hadn’t made it into NYADA, but neither had Kurt the first time he auditioned and, besides, Blaine really wasn’t sure he wanted it that badly. Blaine’s plan was to move to New York and attend New York Conservatory for Drama. Needless to say, his father wasn’t thrilled with his choice and still didn’t understand why he wanted to go to college in New York. There were any number of colleges much closer, even in Ohio for that matter, that offered a curriculum for acting. And besides, he lived in hope that Blaine wasn’t still planning on making the arts his life’s goal and work. In his mind, even though entertainment had become an industry, singing, dancing and acting was not work, a hobby maybe….

Sometimes he was frustrated that there was nothing he could do, even though he was paying for Blaine’s education. He was bound by the hasty promises he’d made to Barb. He hated the power she held over him…but there were other reasons for his reticence if he really looked deeply into his heart. He wanted to continue to improve his relationship with Blaine. Although his itinerary included frequent trips to New York for business, Blaine was becoming a man with his own life. A better relationship with his father probably wasn’t high on his list of priorities at the moment.

Stepping onto the stage tonight was just the first step into a lifetime of finding firm footing in bigger, grander and even more prestigious venues.

Blaine’s passion lay in film. Seeing his name in lights on a Broadway marquee would be great! But seeing his name at the very top of the list as the credits rolled in a movie theatre? That was his dream, his goal! And despite the many colleges with stellar acting programs, the real hub of the film industry was in California.

He and Kurt had spent endless hours fantasizing about their always bright and successful future together. That Kurt was still on the fence about California and Blaine had no desire to remain in New York after he graduated, didn’t dampen the fire between them nor their passion for stardom.

But let the future take care of itself. For now, their dreams lay in New York where Kurt and Rachel’s loft apartment was ready and waiting for Blaine to take up residence. No more lonely months apart….no more tiresome flights to and from Lima and New York…no more endless hours of talking and texting…they could hardly wait!

The graduating class was seated in the first three rows, talking quietly among themselves. Blaine dared to take a stealthy peek at Kurt sitting two rows back, not wanting to attract his father’s attention. Kurt’s half-smile captured his heart, that dimple unconsciously flickering like a tiny beacon begging Blaine to come closer. Blaine tapped his lips, pretending to blow a kiss. Both were looking forward to the after-party, but even more than that they were looking forward to their own after-after party.

Kurt was as excited and relieved as Blaine, imagining his own version of their future. Although Kurt had plenty to keep him busy, Blaine was always on his mind.

New York wasn’t exactly in Lima’s backyard, so they’d only seen each other a handful of times after Kurt’s departure. Mostly when Kurt returned to Lima to visit. Blaine had managed a couple of trips to New York under the guise of checking out schools, and so as not to arouse his dad’s suspicion, his mom had accompanied him. But otherwise Barb had few reasons to actually be in New York. She knew where Blaine planned to attend college already. So she’d drop him off at Kurt’s loft and visit what family she still had for the rest of the weekend.

She’d stopped worrying about Blaine’s private life with Kurt long ago. He was only days away from turning 18; he was more man than boy now and his life was truly becoming his own. She still had reservations, surprised that their relationship had lasted this long, but for Blaine’s sake she remained cautiously optimistic.

Laine glanced at his son, thankful that he at least had some semblance of a relationship with him. Opening up to Blaine had been the single most difficult thing he’d ever done. He’d not only had to change his way of thinking and acting, he’d had to put the one thing that had kept him alive, not necessarily on the backburner, but at least at a lower rung of priority in his life. His profession had defined him ever since he’d started working. It was his shelter from his feelings and every person in his life. Even more than a shelter…it was a cocoon, a tight protective wrapping housing his unwillingness to live his life fully.

He’d been so sure that divorcing Barb and leaving Blaine in her capable hands would set him free…and it had! But certainly not in the way he expected. Yes, the closet door was still firmly closed on his private life, unlike his son, but he’d been freed to make an attempt to build a relationship with Blaine, however tenuous.

He’d come to the conclusion that he’d always need counseling…and now he actually welcomed it! But two years of weekly dinners, a few overnight stays and watching football or a movie did not a deep relationship make. The structure had a solid floor and maybe that’s all it would ever have, but at least they could stand together on a floor; their previous non-relationship had been built on shifting sand, the ebb and flow of the tides and storms of life collapsing the unfinished sand castles that Laine had very half-heartedly attempted to build.

Barb had invited her best friend Teresa to attend this momentous occasion with her and she’d gladly accepted. As her eyes rested on Blaine in his dark red gown, she couldn’t help but remember that long ago day in Appleton. Barb had been fidgety, one finger playing with the handle of her coffee cup, disconcerted. Finally, Teresa had abruptly halted her one-sided conversation and said, “So Barb, what is it that you wanted to tell me?” or something like that. Barb had appeared…..burdened…..ever since her arrival. Barb’s life had been turbulent….unsettled….ever since Laine had asked for a divorce, but still….surely that was better than the so-called life she’d had with Laine. Please, don’t say that he’s changed his mind! Or worse, that she was willing to take him back!

When Teresa had tentatively taken Barb’s hand in her own, her anguished words had tumbled from her lips. Shock had rendered Teresa speechless. Barb had kept this secret for over 18 years and the relieved expression on her face grew with each carefully thought out word. She hadn’t needed to ask, but she had, “Please don’t ever….” Barb hadn’t let her finish. Patting her heart, she’d said, “Your secret is safe…right here.”

Since then, Teresa had made it her mission to remain as close to Barb as possible. Sort of like Kurt and Blaine, they maintained their relationship at a distance, but with great care. Sure, Barb had made lots of friends in Lima by now, but none as dependable or easy to talk to as Teresa. And Teresa was the only person outside of her counselor who knew her life-changing secrets….well, one of them anyway. They both knew Barb might need her someday if and when she ever chose to set it free by telling Blaine…and/or Laine? But surely she would wait until Blaine had graduated from college, wouldn’t she?

And then there was secret #2 that Teresa was fully aware of….but Barb didn’t know that. And as far as Teresa was concerned not knowing might be a saving grace. She wanted to believe that Barb and Laine were long past the animosity they’d carried around with them for all of their married life. They could at least have a reasonable conversation and even met for dinner on occasion to discuss Blaine’s future. What was the point in dropping this particular bombshell? It certainly couldn’t make matters better. No, it would reap more destruction in three lives that had already seen enough destruction. Much better to let them all continue to build good relationships on the ruins of their past.

The ceremony began as Mr. Figgins asked the restless audience to hold their applause until every student had received their diploma. Carole and Burt tried not laugh as they smiled at each other. How many graduations had they been to, hearing that request, only to have it ignored by at least a few? At Finn’s graduation everyone ignored it! Finn had been the star quarterback for the Titans and everyone loved him! No matter that the Titans rarely won a game. As everyone settled in, readying themselves for this all-important ceremony, Burt tried to bring his mind back to the present.

As Blaine crossed what he considered the stage to his glowing future, he adjusted the yellow cord dangling around his neck. He could sense Kurt’s intense gaze focused on him. He’d graduated an honor student not caring that it would have meant more coming from a school like Dalton Academy. Flipping his tassle from right to left, he returned to his seat as the next graduate took his place.

It was almost midnight when Barb and Teresa returned to Barb’s house. Blaine had been given the okay to stay out all night as long as he showed up by 11:00 in the morning, ready for the open house celebration Barb had planned. She had checked with Burt and Carole first since she knew Blaine would almost assuredly be with Kurt. And Kurt was no longer in high school anyway. She trusted him…sometimes more than she trusted Blaine, but she wasn’t oblivious to the mischief that they could get up to in celebrating this milestone. The Glee Club was having its own party, negotiating with their parents for the coveted all night out agreement. The result being a sleepover for everyone at Rachel’s. After all, putting the words party and teenagers together almost always equaled the availability of alcohol.

“How long do we have to stay?” Blaine asked. Kurt gave him that grin that could still take his breath away, a touch of impatience with love that reached all the way to those kaleidoscope eyes. “Come on, Blaine, they’re our best friends and we don’t have to be back at your house until 11. We have plenty of time for our own party,” he said, a sneaky smile forming, “and I can’t wait; and remember I’m driving so I won’t be drinking.” Blaine nodded his head replying, “I’m limiting myself to one drink; I don’t want to be drunk and forget the best part of graduation eve.” They hadn’t seen each other in two months and adrenaline and hormones were running high.

“So, Blaine, when are you are moving in with us?” Rachel asked excitedly, holding Blaine’s hand, a wine cooler in the other. “As soon as I get to New York! No way I can afford to live on my own and three of us living together will be a blast!” Rachel laughed, knowing after two years of living with Kurt and a revolving door of other roommates that living with your friends wasn’t always a blast, but she’d let Blaine find that out on his own. Blaine took a sip of his beer and made a face. Surely there was something better than this to drink if he wanted to celebrate! But it wasn’t like they had a bartender on hand and their supply was a mixed bag of bottles pilfered from family bars and cheap alcohol purchased with fake IDs.

Kurt’s eyes followed Blaine as he made his social butterfly rounds. He envied his boyfriend’s ease with people. He was one of those people who’d never met a stranger, so unlike Kurt. Kurt was friendly, but allowed few to get too close. Blaine was laid back; Kurt was frequently tied up in knots, not always, but what seemed like a lot of the time. Although only in his early 20s life had battered him into the cautious person he was. And that was okay – in this way he supposed opposites did attract. He was yin to Blaine’s yang.

“Still love New York?” Mercedes inquired. It had taken some major rearranging of her schedule to make it back for Blaine’s graduation. Unlike many of her friends, she’d fled the frigid Northwest and headed for California. She’d skipped college altogether. Her single-minded focus was on becoming a pop star. And just like her friends living in New York, she had had to move in with a cousin and her roommates to pay the bills. So far she’d had some real success as a backup singer, knowing she had to pay her dues, but still so anxious to make the big time…and she was determined that she would, without a doubt, she would!

“Yeah, I guess,” Kurt said without the conviction he’d had only a year ago. The truth was the New York winter weather wasn’t dissimilar to Lima – only the city was a million times larger, the snow dirtier, the frigid winds cutting through the layers of clothing a person put on to avoid it. But he still had to finish college at NYADA…and in the back of his mind was Blaine’s desire to find his career in film. Kurt wasn’t particularly committed to theatre, but NYADA was the pinnacle of learning for the performing arts. Why not do what he loved in a place where the average temperature rarely fell below 50 in the winter? He’d love to avoid those zero and subzero temperatures!

Mercedes had made this offer several times before, but she repeated it anyway. “Ya know, you guys are welcome to stay with us until you find your own place,” Kurt smiled and nodded, “and you know all the major connections I have,” she giggled at herself. “The name Mercedes Jones is on everyone’s lips and when they finally realize that fact, I’m changing myself into a single-name artist – just call me Mercedes,” she said with a flair, pretending to bow to an unseen audience. “We’ll keep that in mind,” Kurt laughed as he rolled his eyes, “JUST Mercedes.” He gave her a little finger wave as Rachel grabbed his arm, impatient as ever to drag him away for some purpose of her own.

“Geez, Rachel, can you be any ruder?” “Oh,” she flipped her hand, you can talk to Mercedes anytime.” He gave her an annoyed look, “Yeah, New York and LA? Only a mere three thousand miles apart. I see her almost every day!” “Come on, Kurt, this is important. I want to introduce you to someone.” Anything that Rachel wanted was important….to her anyway.

Giving up, he allowed her to lead him by the hand across the room until they were standing in front of the cream-colored couch in the corner. As they approached, he noticed Sam conversing with some guy that Kurt didn’t know. That wasn’t surprising; there were people all over at this party that he didn’t know, having come to town to join in the celebration of a friend’s or relative’s graduation.

Rachel tapped the stranger on the shoulder, trying to get his attention. Kurt shook his head thinking that at least she hadn’t barged into the conversation shooing Sam away like a queen dismissing one of her lowly serfs.

He glanced up at her with a smile. Sam took his cue and stood saying, “We’ll talk later,” making room for Rachel and Kurt to sit.

Kurt almost took a step backwards, trying to hide his surprise. No introduction was required! If he’d been prepared he would have made an excuse….any excuse! to avoid this awkward meeting.

They’d met when he’d been a freshman at McKinley. Rachel’s stepbrother! He rose to shake Kurt’s hand, but Kurt said, “No, no….um…don’t get up…and we’ve already met.” A flash of surprised recognition….and then a slightly puzzled facial expression…..this was Kurt?! “Yeah, yeah, we’ve….ahhh… met, you don’t remember, Rachel?”

Kurt had been 14 at the time and had only been out for a few months; the best and worst few months of his life. It’d been freeing to finally be himself, but it had also brought the wrath of every bully at McKinley down on him. Uhhhh! He hated remembering those days….and here was a very unwelcome reminder of that time right in front of him.

Clay had been visiting Rachel and her family that summer. She was in the habit of talking about her two gay dads when referring to her parents. She said, “Saying this is my dad, Gene, and this is my dad, Nick,” took too long, answering the questioning looks with an explanation about her two gay dads anyway. If she simply called them her two gay dads people understood it almost immediately.

Clay was Gene’s son. Rachel’s dad had lived a closeted life until he hit 30, married and miserable. The only bright spot being his son, Clay. And he’d always been different. His ex-wife had had two other children before they’d married, neither of whom who had much use for Clay. And although Clay’s mother had been fair enough to “allow” shared custody, she hadn’t been particularly happy about it.

She, too, could tell that Clay was…..different…..much like his father in hindsight. She’d scoured the Internet for information on the role heredity might play in sexual orientation and basically discovered that the jury was still out for the most part. Yes, one’s sexual identity might be slightly influenced by heredity, but the larger opinion was that no one really knew yet what influenced it the most or the least.

She’d wanted to blame it on Gene – how dare he go into a marriage and have a child, all the while knowing he was gay! How could she not have seen it??? Well, the truth was she hadn’t, plain and simple. And she loved her son no matter his sexual “leanings.” She also believed that raising a child without a father when the one he had was eager and willing to be a part of his life would be wrong. So, every summer he’d arrive on Gene and Nick’s doorstep.

The spark of recognition lit up Clay’s brown eyes, “Kurt!” his voice smiled. Turning to Rachel, he said, “You really don’t remember?” Rachel looked from one to the other, completely clueless. “The summer we were freshmen?” Rachel racked her brain, what had she been doing that long ago summer? Oh yeah! How could she have forgotten. Gene had allowed her to attend summer camp for musical theatre and singing! She still treasured the memories of that first trip away from home, the friends she’d made and the valuable lessons she’d learned.

“Oh, that summer! I was at camp and you were already gone by the time I got back! Well great!” she continued, “have a seat, Kurt,” she said patting the cushion. “This is so exciting! I’ve solved the problem of our fourth roommate for next year. Clay lives in New York, too, and his current roommate just moved out. On to greener pastures, I guess. Anyway, I’ve invited him to live with us at the loft.”

No please! Just once he wished Rachel would think about consulting others when her plans included them. He loved her to pieces but she could be so self-centered. But what was he supposed to say? He was her stepbrother and they needed another roommate desperately! And he certainly didn’t want to go into a long explanation about why he had reservations concerning this latest development. “Oh, that’s great,” he tried for some enthusiasm but pretty much failed at his attempt, trying to avoid eye contact with Clay.

As Rachel chattered on, oblivious to the tension sitting on the couch with them, his mind made its solitary trek back to that summer. That conversation with Gene and Burt about Clay’s upcoming arrival. Gene was well aware that Kurt had come out and of his many struggles at McKinley. He didn’t know exactly what he’d hoped to accomplish by introducing Clay and Kurt, but part of him hoped to give Clay someone close to his own age to relate to that summer, thinking maybe he could avoid at least some of the problems Kurt had with the selfish, arrogant bullies, or just help him maneuver some of the still homophobic residents of Lima.

And Kurt had been beyond thrilled! There were very few openly gay people, much less teens, in Lima. And as far as he knew none of them attended McKinley. So, yes, he remembered quite clearly the day they’d met.

Gene had introduced them after having invited Kurt for dinner. Kurt remembered watching his every move as he ate. At 14, confidence already oozed from his body. He appeared totally unafraid of anything and it made Kurt wonder why Gene thought this person would have any problem with bullies. It was obvious he spent time working out. It was obvious that he was at ease with casual conversation….the only kind Kurt ever, ever planned to have with him. The silly idea of revealing his candid thoughts to Clay scared him to death!

And if it wasn’t enough that he seemed able to converse intelligently on most subjects, his physicality tugged at Kurt’s body like a magnet. These feelings scared him! Alot! The only times he’d felt an attraction to another guy were those he found in photos or well-hidden porn. But that was nothing like this! They may be the same age, but they were light years away from each other in physical maturity.

Clay was male through and through, from his deep voice to his muscled physique….and gay. Most of the people he knew still carried around the misconception that all gay men were effeminate. A man was still a man, just as unique from one another as hetero men. He could barely take his eyes off of him! How in the world was he going to relate to someone like this all summer? He’d spend the entire summer trying with little success.

It wasn’t that they hadn’t gotten along with each other. Far from it! Kurt had done his best to introduce him to the very small group of gay friends he had, including Sebastian, despite his better judgement. He had never really liked him, but it was like he came as part of the package. Finding five gay teenagers had been hard enough! And just because he had no use for Sebastian didn’t mean others didn’t like him.

Kurt tried to ignore the crush he had on Clay. He was so sure everyone could see it, but either Clay hadn’t gotten the memo or he didn’t care. The moment he’d introduced him to Sebastian, Kurt could tell he was setting his sights for him and Clay certainly hadn’t resisted his advances.

It didn’t take long before Kurt found himself covering for Clay’s absence. Gene would invite Kurt over for lunch, assuming that when Kurt told him that he and Clay were going to a movie afterwards it was the truth. But it wasn’t. As soon as Kurt slipped into the movie theatre alone, Clay would walk around the corner where Sebastian was waiting in the alley behind the building. He never asked where they went because he didn’t want to know. But, unlike Kurt, Clay was eager to share much more than small talk with him, freely sharing his “experiences” with Sebastian. This was Clay’s first sexual relationship with anyone. He wasn’t bragging; he just wanted someone to talk to about it.

It was obvious to Kurt that he thought of him as a little brother or some sort of confidant, not even taking into consideration that perhaps Kurt had no sexual experience whatsoever. And if he noticed the way Kurt looked at him, he certainly didn’t show it. That had probably been the longest and most agonizing summer of his life.

Having made her announcement, Rachel had left them with, “I guess I’ll let you two catch up then!” And as Kurt took a seat, Clay exclaimed, “Wow, Kurt! Look at you! Did you grow up or what?” With an embarrassed laugh, he said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. But you look great!” “Thanks, Clay,” Kurt tried to buy some time by clearing his throat. “So….I guess we’re going to be roomies, huh?”

Clay could hear the caution in Kurt’s voice. He’d grown up as well and every time he’d allow his own mind to recall that summer it filled him with guilt and shame. On this return visit to Lima he’d actually hoped to meet up with Kurt giving him a chance to clear the air. Sure, it had been six years ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. And he hadn’t expected this surprising turn of events, but if he and Kurt were going to be sharing a loft….well, even more reason to apologize and hopefully set the record straight. He should have written him or called or texted….but the fact was he hadn’t.

Clay took a breath, “Look, Kurt….I was a total asshole back in the day and we both know it,” the words couldn’t escape his lips quickly enough. He took another breath and tried to slow down, “I treated you like some sort of servant or something and you were nice enough to let me.” Kurt remained silent, not knowing what to say. Nice was not the word he would have used for his own behavior back then. It was more like resigned. Resigned to the fact that he didn’t stand a chance with Clay, but he’d made a promise to Gene, and he didn’t take that lightly. He’d handled the situation in the only way he knew how.

“It’s okay, Clay, we were kids….” Kurt began. “No, it wasn’t okay….and I hope you’ll accept my apology?” the sentence becoming a guarded question. Kurt ducked his head and nodded, trying to hide the smirk on his face, “Sure….and alright for the record you were an asshole,” Their laughter conceding the point.

“Have you seen Sebastian since you’ve been in town?” “No, thank god! Honestly? He and I used each other that summer. Remember all those gay coming of age movies…like Come Undone? Well, maybe not the best analogy, but we sort of taught each other what little we knew about sex. I tried to keep in touch for awhile, but as it turned out he was an even bigger asshole than I was! I had this idea in my head that maybe we had more than just….well, what we had. But he proved me wrong almost before I went home that summer. There was already someone to take my place by the time he received my first letter. No, seeing Sebastian again is not high on my list of priorities.”

Blaine’s eyes scanned the crowded room…..oh, there he was….but who was the guy Kurt was talking…and laughing with? Hmmm…..no one he knew. He remained at a distance, unconsciously focusing on their body language. There was plenty of space between them, but Kurt’s “friend” kept leaning in as if he was not only trying to capture his words, but also his essence. Oh, come on, Blaine! Really? His essence?

Why this frisson of wariness, distrust…doubt? He really wasn’t the jealous type or at least he thought he wasn’t. But he was struck by an immediate dislike for this…hunk…who was entertaining his boyfriend.

Kurt saw Blaine approaching out of the corner of his eye and without thinking immediately turned his attention in his direction. Two hours had slipped away, enough time to make an appearance, and he was as anxious as Blaine to make an exit. It felt far longer than a couple of months since they’d been together. Soon they’d be together every day and every night…pure heaven!

“Hey, Kurt,” Blaine ventured, testing the waters. He didn’t want to just walk up to him in the middle of what appeared to be an enjoyable conversation and say something like, “So, are you ready to go?” Kurt smiled up at Blaine as he took his hand. Without preamble he said, “Blaine, this is Clay, Rachel’s stepbrother,” Blaine gave him a short nod and half-smile replying, “Nice to meet you, Clay, I’m Blaine Anderson, Kurt’s boyfriend,” God! Did that sound as possessive to them as it had to his own ears?

“Hi, Blaine,” Clay replied not missing the crackle of tension in the air between them…no, he wasn’t as oblivious as he was at 14. Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand and said, “He’s going to be our fourth roomie when school starts. He lives in New York, too,” Kurt stumbled, well, of course he lives in New York you idiot! “Oh, good!” Blaine said, “I know Rachel said she was having trouble finding another roommate.”

Kurt had thought about explaining the connection and backstory he had with Clay, but decided that could wait until later. Later, when he could assure Blaine that Clay wasn’t a threat. As Kurt stood up to leave with Blaine, Clay stood up as well, dwarfing Blaine by at least four inches. Why did this feel so awkward? Kurt didn’t know, but surely his explanation would clear the air.

“Well, Kurt, if I don’t see you before I leave town, I’ll see you in September. Oooohhh, sounds likes an old song, see you in September,” he chuckled, “and you too Blaine.” Blaine tried to give him a confident look and nod, but it seemed that that was beyond him at the moment. What was wrong with him?

Clay sat down on the couch again watching them standing near the door saying their good-byes. Wow! When he’d made that statement about Kurt growing up he meant it in every way possible! That scrawny, freckle-faced, insecure boy with a chip on his shoulder had turned into quite the stud! Those eyes alone could hold a guy captive for days! Surely a person’s eye color didn’t change as they got older, did it? But his memory certainly would have remembered those rainbow eyes. They literally flashed like a prism! And the freckles had given way to the most touchable porcelain skin he’d ever seen! And he was no wimp in the anatomy department either. It was obvious he spent time in the gym. And if he was going to NYADA keeping in shape would be a must if he was a dancer. No, that person was certainly not the kid he remembered.

And his boyfriend was hot, too! Maybe a little possessive, but damn if Kurt was his boyfriend he’d be possessive, too! And then his wiser self spoke up, “Don’t even go there. Don’t be an asshole a second time.” But it couldn’t hurt to look, could it? It would be great to have a little eye candy around. “You’re on the rebound, buddy.” His wiser self spoke up again and it wasn’t lying.

He hadn’t told Rachel the whole story and hadn’t really felt the need to. It had come as a shock when Angelo announced that he was moving out. He said he wasn’t ready to settle down. Then what in the hell were the last three years about? Had he been ready back then but not now? It made no sense to him, unless Angelo wasn’t telling him the whole truth either. That had only been a couple months ago and he was still smarting from the pain.

And on top of all that…whatever it was…they’d had a sort of open relationship! He’d never asked Angelo to “settle down” as he put it. He loved him, but they’d always agreed that an open relationship worked best for them. It made no sense to him. What he really believed was that Angelo meant he wasn’t ready to settle down with him, but had found someone else he was ready to settle down with. That was just a suspicion…but what did it matter now?

He rose from the couch planning to grab another beer. He was staying right here at Rachel’s tonight so no need to worry about driving. Kurt was hugging Rachel good-bye as he walked past them heading for the cooler. Kurt caught his eye and gave him a wave as he and Blaine headed for the door. Hmmmm…..what kind of relationship did Blaine and Kurt have he wondered, again, stopped short by his wiser self, “Leave it alone.”

Taking the first sip from the can, he went in search of Sam hoping to resume their conversation. He’d seen him chatting with Blaine while he was catching up with Kurt earlier.

As much as he tried to deny it to himself, the tug of war inside was real. He didn’t even remember what he and Sam had been discussing earlier….he was searching for Sam, hoping to find out more about Kurt and Blaine’s relationship. After all, they were going to be roommates, right?

He found Sam leaning against a wall talking with Finn, Kurt’s stepbrother. Oh, even better! he thought, sending his wiser self on a fool’s errand of lies, losing the game…for the time being.