CHAPTER 6 – THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

“Kurt…Kurt, wake up,” said the familiar voice as Kurt’s mind fought it’s way through the cobwebs of sleep. It took him a second to reorient himself, his internal GPS recalibrating. Yawning, he turned his head to the seat beside him. San Diego! They were home!

Javi squeezed his hand and smiled. He wanted to kiss him but that might have been too much PDA for the other passengers, especially the lady sitting in the row seat beside him. Surviving the slightly bumpy landing as the wheels hit the tarmac, the plane started to come alive with voices anxious to move on to their now earthbound destinations. And Javi and Kurt were no different.

Snagging their luggage from the baggage claims carousel, they waited impatiently in line at the taxi stand allowing the dispatcher to do his job. Finally, it was their turn and they gratefully climbed into the backseat of the Yellow Cab, reciting their destination for the driver.

And at last there it was, their house! Kurt was almost bouncing in the seat he was so excited! “Wow! You begged me to take you to Mexico with me, but was it so bad that you’re this excited to be home?” Javi asked, laughing. Kurt gave him a sidelong look, pursing his lips. “Of course I’m glad to be home, aren’t you? And as you well know I loved going to Mexico with you!”

Yes, honestly, Javi was thrilled to be home….. in San Diego….or at least in California. Where they’d call home in the coming weeks…..maybe even months?…would, again, be determined by the powers that be who made decisions about the future of Reinventing Your Sins…and, of course, Javi’s response to the question will you stay? will you go? But the jury was still out on that and now was not the time for a verdict. So, he quickly sent them all back to the jury room in his head, still deliberating, waiting for a more appropriate day and time to reveal he and Kurt’s fate in question.

Dropping their baggage inside the front door, Javi swept Kurt into his arms, murmuring, “It’s so good to be home with you mi amor, so good!” And for a few moments they simply stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, basking in the feelings of security that the word “home” represented.

Reluctantly, Javi released Kurt and said, “How about some soup and sandwiches,” moving toward the kitchen before he could talk himself out of the effort. As the smell of chicken soup filled the air, Javi settled at the kitchen table and took a sip of cold water, asking, “So, was it what you expected?”

Swallowing a bite of his toasted cheese sandwich, Kurt said, “That’s rather broad, don’t you think? Was Mexico City what I expected? Was meeting your family what I expected? Was…”

“Okay, okay,” Javi chuckled. They’d sort of had this conversation already…Really….sort of? He must have asked Kurt some variation of this same question almost every day! But Javi wanted to hear every little detail of how this momentous trip had affected his lover. “My family….what did you think of my mama and Belita?” And yes, Kurt had already answered this question, but maybe there was something more. After all, he hadn’t met just his mama and his sister. He’d also been introduced to a few friends and he’d met Rico, “la otra oveja negra de la familia (the other black sheep of the family)” as he’d put it.

Kurt had kept this to himself, but he was kinda glad that they’d booked a room at a nearby hotel. There wasn’t enough room to sleep five comfortably at the condo. And walking from where they were staying at the Hampton to the condo had not only given them some much needed daily exercise but had allowed Kurt a breather in between the numerous visits.

“Javi, you already know I loved meeting them and they obviously loved me!” his eyes twinkled mischievously. “Your brother can be a little prickly, but I suppose he has good reason, right? I mean this is the first Christmas he’s spent with family in forever, just like you. And his most recent encounter with your dad was the first time he’s seen him in years and that certainly didn’t end well.”

Kurt still remembered the day when Javi’s mom had been Skyping with his dad on the couch and Rico happened to walk into the living room. He’d almost leaned over to see who it was she was conversing with until he heard that voice. The voice that had driven him away from home….from his mama….from his family….sending him into a desert of familial exile!

He could still hear that voice from times past raised in frustration tempered with only a bit of resignation, “Go then! Just leave! Let the world eat you up out there! Because it will! There’s nothing outside Quintana Roo that you can’t find here!” (¡Entonces vete! ¡Solo huye! ¡Deja que el mundo te coma! ¡Porque lo hará! ¡No hay nada fuera de Quintana Roo que no puedas encontrar aquí!) to which Rico’d replied trying to keep his voice level, “You’re wrong, so wrong! I can find myself apart from you and your demands. I don’t want to be you, papa, I want to be me!” (“¡Estás equivocado, tan equivocado! Me encontraré lejos de ti y de tus demandas. ¡No quiero ser tú, papá, quiero ser yo!”)

So, once again that voice drove him away as he stomped back to the bedroom, Javi not far behind. And either his mom hadn’t noticed or had at least pretended not to. As far as Kurt could tell, at least by the tone of their voices, they were having a relatively pleasant conversation. Sighing, he thought, for once I have the advantage of not knowing enough Spanish to understand everything that they’re saying.

Kurt could hear the rhythm of voices raised, then lowered, as if anger, frustration and reason were doing battle coming from the bedroom. He caught bits and pieces as Javi tried to soothe his brother’s anger, having forgotten to close the bedroom door completely behind him.

“I don’t care if he’s not here literally! He might as well be when I can see and hear him as if he were. It doesn’t bother you, hermano?” Well, of course it bothered him, but he tried to keep his mixed feelings inside for his mama’s sake, knowing he could count on Kurt to listen, and sometimes be his own voice of reason, as they soaked in the warm waters of the hotel jacuzzi.

“Claro (Of course)!” Javi rasped reaching for a whisper and not quite succeeding, “But think about mama, Rico. She doesn’t want this separation. She still loves him and, sadly, maybe even more than that, she loves Quintana Roo. She’s working as hard as she can to find a way to reconcile. It’s much harder for her than it will ever be for us.” Rico knew Javi was right, of course, but for him? He was afraid there was just too much water under the bridge. Even if his papa somehow had a totally unexpected change of heart and offered his children his forgiveness, he wasn’t sure he was capable of accepting it. “Yeah, si, I know you’re right…it’s just….” he said with a heavy sigh. If there was one person he didn’t have to say more to, it was Javi.

Lying on a blowup bed on the floor, background music on low, Blaine drew the blankets up over their naked bodies. Maintenance needed a couple of days to do repairs in their en suite bathroom, so rather than use the spare bedroom, they decided to get creative and toss the blowup bed on the living room floor. They’d felt like two kids camping minus the inconveniences of the great outdoors.

“I’ll be glad when they get back; I’d love to text him, but I don’t want to ruin his vacation,” he said snuggling deeper into Jeff’s embrace. “Okay, let me get this straight. I provide you with an out-of-this world sexual experience and now you’re pining away for your ex?” he joked. Blaine chuckled, “Well, I have to admit that was pretty good….okay, maybe even out-of-this-world….” he murmured, playfully kissing Jeff’s chin. Christmas had been a wonderful distraction from the persistent dream, but now they were settling back into their usual routine and there’d been an added facet to the dream that Blaine really wanted to discuss with Kurt.

And Jeff hadn’t realized how much he needed more than just a day off here or there until he’d had that whole week to spend with his sister, Jersey, and Blaine. Showing her the sights in LA had been a blast! Foregoing Disneyland for the LA County Museum of Art was no surprise to Jeff. She was an art major after all, and she also loved the variety of music venues scattered about the city. She and Blaine had lacked for nothing to talk about, that was for sure!

She’d only been outside of Oklahoma a handful of times and had certainly never been in a city the size of Los Angeles. But the weather was what had really caught her attention. Sure, it could be cool at night during the winter, but there was none of the subzero temperatures and cold gusty winds of an Oklahoma winter. Maybe she’d take Jeff up on his offer….maybe.

But all kidding aside, Jeff was equally anxious for Kurt and Javi’s return. The disturbing variation in the dream had been gradual. Jeff still remembered the night he’d awakened, Blaine gripping his hand, attempting to catch his breath.

Hurriedly drawing him into his arms, his fingers and hands played a lullaby on Blaine’s skin, stroking his cheek and rubbing his arm, waiting for Blaine’s answer to, “What is it babe…tell me….”

There had been someone or something else in the dream room, a fifth person or presence. And in the four times he’d had the dream since he and Kurt had last talked about it face to face, that….whatever it was, was making itself known more palpably. And Antonio seemed well aware of the presence, too….it seemed as if he was trying to get it (him? her?) to join him in conveying whatever the message was. Why didn’t dreams come equipped with translators? Jeff thought in frustration.

“Blaine…you don’t have to pretend with me,” Jeff murmured, “We both know it’s not nothing, it’s not just a dream,” emphasis on “just.” Why bother with pretense when all they had to do was walk down the hall and gather enough courage to simply open a door and walk into the bedroom that still had a festive wreath attached to its door? However, Blaine seemed comforted by the fact that whatever it was, the new….entity?…..seemed benign enough, almost familiar. For that matter, Antonio was probably benign as well; he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone…unless you counted the times he’d thrown Blaine out a window in Kurt’s version of the dream. Sometimes he just had to laugh about that, hoping he’d made a soft landing. And finally sleep had captured them once more, Jeff still smiling about the soft landing, Blaine encased in the security of Jeff’s embrace.

The holiday break had been a true godsend for Javi. Spending a week in San Diego and then almost another in Mexico City had made him realize how much he missed his “homes.” He’d been mulling over what he’d do if the play decided to move on to another city. He knew how much Kurt missed living in San Diego, but until now he hadn’t fully understood how hard it was to live this patchwork existence for him, always coming or going from one city to another. Usually Javi was more observant than that! He’d been living that kind of life for his entire adulthood! He didn’t know if he was looking forward to it or not, but the meeting in LA that would decide the fate of the play was scheduled for the first Thursday in January, not even a week away.

They hadn’t talked about it much, wanting to wait until after the holidays. So, after they’d exhausted the subject of Kurt’s feelings and observations about his family and Mexico City itself, Kurt ventured, “Do you know what you’re going to do about the play yet?” Javi sighed, “No, I’m really torn, ya know? I mean, life for me won’t be that much different even if I give it up. I’ll still be recording, doing interviews and putting together personal appearances, possibly even some concert tours. But the pink hair! It’ll be gone!” he chuckled, remembering his mama’s initial reaction to it in person. She’d seen it on Skype and Facetime, but when she saw it in person, she’d brushed it away from his brow, cupping his face in her hands, lamenting the loss of his beautiful blue-black curls.

“The main difference is we won’t have to live in LA,” Javi continued, “..and now there’s at least a possibility that you can travel with me….with some restrictions maybe…”

Javi still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of taking Kurt into some parts of Mexico or Central or South America or anywhere outside the States if he was being truthful. Kurt’s strength of character wasn’t in question, not even for a second; he could handle almost anything. But Javi knew how cold and cruel the entertainment world could be. Being gay would never be easy anywhere, or so he believed…and Kurt had already experienced enough violence in New York, a city he knew well. He willfully shoved the aggravating thought away, turning his full concentration on what Kurt was saying.

Kurt ignored the part about restrictions knowing now was not the time to reveal his thoughts again on that tender subject. “Do you miss it as much as I do?” “Kurtito, I didn’t know how much until now. No matter where my vagabond life led me I always knew I could return to San Diego to recharge. It wasn’t like that in LA…ever,” he said referring to the time he’d lived there years ago. “Well, are you going to tell me before you walk into that meeting next week?” Kurt asked, knowing he would never make a major decision like this without discussing it thoroughly with Kurt…he just wanted to hear him say it. Secretly, he was hoping that next Thursday would be the beginning of a move back to their home, this house. Sometimes he felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz murmuring, “there’s no place like home,” hoping they would be magically transported back to San Diego as he clicked his heels together.

Kurt would be starting classes again the following Tuesday and he was looking forward to it. His fingers were just itching to pick up a pen or pencil or open one of the various Word documents on his laptop where his book in progress was waiting for him, anxious for the chance to start growing again, page by page, under the guidance of Kurt’s fingertips marching across the key pad. He’d jotted down probably a hundred ideas, some on paper, some saved to his phone.

So, after spending the weekend getting acclimated to California time again, he gathered his writing tools and headed for his serenity room. Javi always jokingly called it his sanity room. And Javi was the one who’d insisted he needed it once they’d moved in together. Much as they loved each other’s company, they knew they needed equal time away from each other, time to create, time to just be. “You know where to find me, lovebug,” he smiled bending over to give Javi a kiss, ruffling his hair. “And I could learn to live without the pink hair,” he said offhandedly as he walked down the hallway.

As he opened the bedroom door, Kurt laughed to himself, he was still trying to figure out what Javi meant about just “being” but whatever it meant, he had used this room far more often than he ever envisioned when he’d been given carte blanche to make the room his own.

Staying at the hotel had provided them with ample time and space to reconnect as well. Most evenings they’d return there, sometimes ordering room service, taking advantage of the jacuzzi in their suite, relaxing as the evening faded into night, watching the lights of CDMX spring to life like a vast twinkling blanket. It was the perfect place for two lovers needing to redefine and reinvigorate their love life.

His mama was not a late night person and Belita had to be up early for work most days, depending on the studio’s schedule. Rico would often disappear with old friends after his mama retired for the evening and he’d invited Kurt and Javi along of course, but for the most part they’d begged off. Javi was well known in Mexico City, which wasn’t a problem…he just didn’t want to expose Kurt to the wondering looks and questioning glances that would surely present themselves if he was seen in public with Javi. And he wanted to be in control of that as much as possible, deciding himself where to take Kurt. Who knew where Rico might want to go? He was considerably older than Javi. His friends in the City were mostly people Javi had never met.

However, Javi had promised Kurt that he’d take him on their own private sightseeing tour….Kurt wanted to see the places that had shaped Javi’s beginnings in CDMX, where it had all started for him. At first Javi had been hesitant.

For years this ancient city had been his home and honestly it was one of the few places in Mexico where he felt comfortable being himself…..for the most part. His secret…well, in CDMX, more like his open secret….was generally already accepted.

Kurt had asked so little of him regarding this trip. And, in truth, he knew Kurt could handle any reaction he might encounter simply by virtue of the fact that he was in Javi’s company. If their faces appeared on the cover of some tabloid, so what? It wouldn’t be the first time or the last no matter what Javi said or did. People would spend some time speculating, again, as usual. And because Javi refused to actually say he was gay, the press would eventually grow tired of his usual pat answers – that way he had of appearing to say something while saying nothing at all – and move on.

No, surprising even himself, it was that he wasn’t sure of his own reactions, his own feelings, in returning to these places that had not only shaped his future, but had also led to the most significant relationship he would ever have.

Tonio had not been just a fellow band member, a friend, an ally – he’d been his partner. And had his life not been cut short by….even after almost nine years it wasn’t just that it hurt….it brought out the anger that Javi denied to everyone but himself….no! it wasn’t just the pain of a loss! The sheer stupidity and recklessness of Tonio’s actions, and what Javi viewed as selfishness…almost a betrayal….that anger had not faded much with time.

When Tonio’d jumped from that plane he’d not only unintentionally taken his own life, he’d almost taken the lives of everyone who loved or depended upon him! Fortunately, most of those people had been young and resilient, eventually able to move on with the business of living. But for Javi? Sure! His career had survived and even blossomed….but it had meant eight years of personal fear and loneliness. Fear that another romantic relationship would end in yet another loss for him. And for Tonio’s parents? They’d been denied the future with their only child.

Sure, he’d returned to these places himself, sometimes with company even, but never with someone as significant to him as Kurt. Kurt wasn’t Tonio’s replacement. He wasn’t just a new partner. He was something that Tonio could never have been for him. As much as he’d adored Tonio, their relationship had been full of fire…and he’d loved that at the time. He hadn’t been nicknamed the Sun for nothing! Tonio had been exactly what Mateo needed to light the fire as fame consumed their lives. He’d been exactly what Javi needed then….and even now – Tonio had unknowingly laid the groundwork for Javi’s relationship with Kurt.

But in his mind, he and Kurt were like two sides of a coin…or like the Moon and Mercury….like in the song he’d written. They complemented each other. Perhaps it would be good for both of them to revisit pieces of his past together.

And now, here they were, at almost the exact spot it had all begun, a lonely park bench under an elderly oak tree. The place that Javi had called home for several weeks after arriving in CDMX with almost nothing to his name. The oak was taller than he remembered, but the bench itself was just as hard and unyielding as it was on the many nights he’d spent sleeping on it surrounded by other down-on-their-luck singers and musicians.

During the day they’d spend their time making the rounds, trying to find jobs as backup singers and session musicians. They knew that they’d have no luck with the larger studios. They already had exactly who they wanted. But sometimes the smaller studies, with smaller budgets, of course, would hire them, knowing there was talent there and they were cheap labor.

Taking a seat on the bench, Kurt kept his distance. It was one thing to hold hands and sit close to each other in public in San Diego. But even Kurt didn’t feel comfortable with displays of PDA here, in a country and a city he’d never been in before. After hearing some of the tales at the party yesterday, it really began to sink in that Mexico was truly the totally different animal that Javi had painted it.

Meeting all those people had been a bit daunting at first. Some spoke fluent English or Spanglish so at least he didn’t have to constantly depend on Javi to translate, but they welcomed Kurt as if he was one of their own. They’d told colorful stories at Javi’s expense, which Javi didn’t mind a bit…well, most of them anyway. And where there were musicians and singers, as always, there was lots of singing and dancing, many having brought their guitars along with them.

“Wow!” Kurt exclaimed, looking around as if his surroundings were much more novel than a single park bench under a tree, others around them strolling or jogging in the waning daylight. “You guys really stayed here? Weren’t you scared? I mean, everybody said it was a terrifying experience, but they all seemed to laugh it off. No way I could laugh off living like this for even a few days!”

“It was terrifying! That’s why we stuck together, especially at night. We’d take turns sleeping on this bench. The ground was a little softer, but damp, and at night it would get down into the 40s and laying on the ground only made it feel colder. I don’t know what would have happened to us if we hadn’t met up with Celi again. I still marvel at how she just took all five of us in as if it was something people did every day.”

Kurt had heard the story of how they’d all come to Mexico City to take part in a singing competition. How the winner was supposed to get a scholarship to the Conservatorio Nacional de Música (National Conservatory of Music). And Javi had won! But as it turned out the scholarship covered tuition but not housing and other living expenses, and his parents certainly couldn’t afford to send him to college. And even if they could, Javi had basically run away from home because of his father’s disapproval….just like Rico….and he had no plans to return.

Javi would never forget the day he’d returned to the park bench after another discouraging day of job hunting. He’d just plopped down on the bench and closed his eyes when a familiar voice said, “Javi?” He opened one eye, and then the other, in surprise! “Celi? Hola! Taking a stroll in the park?” he said flashing his usual megawatt smile despite his circumstances. “Si, but what are you doing here?” she asked taking in his not quite clean clothing and the ragged backpack he was carrying, “Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

Without asking she sat down beside him, taking his hand, a concerned look on her face. He sighed and told her his hard-luck tale…well, their hard-luck tale….and without hesitation she’d offered her home as a place for them to stay. Sure, there were five of them and she lived in a three-bedroom apartment with two roommates, but….

And then there was the evening Javi had taken Kurt to the studio where he and Tonio had met. It was very small and no one was around, which is what Javi had intended. He’d called to ask for the keys and security code which were given to him without reservation. Even thought the studio had remained small, it had more than enough clientele simply by virtual of the fact that it was known as “the place where Mateo began.”

Kurt had heard the story of how they’d met many times, so in some ways it felt very familiar. He could almost see Antonio stopping by after Javi had finished with a recording session as a backup singer, standing in the doorway watching him, Javi completely unaware of his presence. It wasn’t like they hadn’t known each other already, but they were more acquaintances than friends.

He could hear the nostalgia in Javi’s voice as he recounted the tale again, this time pointing out exactly where he had been stuffing things into his backpack, and then turning to leave, finding Antonio in the doorway. Kurt had rarely been jealous of Antonio. In fact, at times he was downright thankful for him! He was the foundation for Kurt and Javi’s successful relationship and he’d unwittingly helped in Kurt’s discovering his passion. Destiny, as Javi called it.

If Javi was feeling anything other than nostalgic, he didn’t let on to Kurt. And Kurt was so busy looking around and asking questions he probably wouldn’t have noticed what was just below the surface. Javi had grown very adept at masking the anger….in today’s parlance this studio, that park bench would have been called triggers. It seemed that all the counseling in the world couldn’t rid him of it. And of course he’d been told that until he found a better way to deal with it, places in his past, in their past would continue to be a trigger.

Refocusing on Kurt’s interest, pointing out this and that, he even managed to laugh once or twice. But while Javi was fighting his own invisible battle, Kurt began to feel more and more uneasy. He took off the light jacket he was wearing. When had it become so hot and stuffy in here? Well, it was a pretty small place, he conceded.

But as Javi chattered away about times past, Kurt’s discomfort grew, the stagnant air settling over him, “Javito, aren’t you hot?” he queried, to which Javi replied in his playful way, “Well, I don’t know mi amor, shouldn’t you be the one to answer that? My opinion would probably be very biased,” sure he would hear Kurt’s laughter, but he didn’t.

Letting go of Kurt’s hand, he turned to really look at him, thinking of leaning in for a kiss, until he saw the guarded look on his face, his eyes shifting as if searching the room for something that he wasn’t sure he would find. And along with taking off his jacket, he’d rolled his sleeves up. Kurt was serious!

“No, not particularly…it seems fine to me.” But he took off his own jacket just to test the temperature around him. He wasn’t hot or cold, but Kurt was obviously disturbed. “What’s wrong, Kurt?” Not the usual playful Kurtito. He could see that his concern was genuine.

“I don’t….um…I don’t really know,” Kurt said, his eyes roaming the room again, “it feels so hot….and like the air is heavy…really, you don’t feel it?” And then it was like a lightbulb switched on in Kurt’s mind. Taking Javi’s hand, he urged him out of the room, “Let’s go….please Javi….” Kurt pleaded, tugging at his arm. Javi didn’t try to stop him or ask questions. Kurt looked like a deer in the headlights and he knew fear when he saw it. He was no longer worried about revealing his own fears, but for an entirely different reason, or at least that’s what he thought.

As soon as they’d pushed through the door that led to the street, Kurt slid to the sidewalk against the building, his head between his legs, gulping air like there wasn’t enough in the world to fill his lungs. Javi quietly sat down beside him, allowing him to gather his thoughts, to recuperate. From what he didn’t know, but he hoped Kurt could shed some light on the subject.

“My God!” Kurt wanted to gather Javi into his arms, feeling the comfort and security of his body entwined with his own, but this was neither the time or place for that. “You really didn’t feel it, did you?” he asked, hoping one last time that the answer would be yes.

“What was it like mi amor? What do you think it was?” He wasn’t going to pretend that perhaps Kurt had imagined it. “It was like when you were in that bedroom at Blaine’s, wasn’t it?” His shoulders slumped, wanting to wish it away. This frightened him and he wanted to get this conversation over with as fast as he could and return to the safety of life on this side of the vale that separated….perhaps saved them?….from what lay beyond.

“Yeah….it was just like that….just like that, ” he gulped some more air. “And that was the room where Tonio first asked you out, wasn’t it? Not just a conversation about music or life in general? The room where Tonio and Javi would become linked forever, right?”

Javi had never thought of it that way exactly, but that was a perfect description. Javi loosened his grip on Kurt’s hand, not caring who saw that he’d been holding it. He’d asked Kurt numerous times if he was sure he’d never experienced anything that felt….supernatural? He wasn’t going to ask again. Whether he had in the past no longer mattered! He was feeling it now and it obviously had something to do with the dream, with Tonio, with….what?

“Come on, bebe, there’s a cantina a couple blocks from here, let’s go get a drink,” Although they rarely went out to bars, with the exception of The Rafters or a place that Javi might be playing for fun in San Diego, it sounded like a great idea right now. Kurt needed something to steady his nerves….and if Javi was being honest he needed something to settle his own ragged nerves.

The place wasn’t exclusively a gay bar but Javi, and by extension, Tonio, had spent a lot of time here through the years, especially before the over-the-top success of Mateo. It wasn’t much larger than the studio they’d just left and before he could think about it, as soon as they walked in the door, he wondered if Kurt would feel Tonio’s presence here? Why hadn’t he thought of that? They could have just gone back to the hotel! But he’d been in a hurry. He knew a single drink could sometimes soothe Kurt quickly because he drank so little and he hated seeing Kurt in pain.

Testing his own feelings, he realized the anger had disappeared somewhere between Kurt’s reaction and their short walk here.

“Hey, Javi, como va (how’s it going)?” despite everything, it was nice to be somewhere he knew so well. Even after all these years, some of the personnel was still the same. “Hey, Jose! A couple shots of tequila, por favor?” He guided Kurt to a table in the darkest part of the room. Normally, he wouldn’t have ordered for Kurt, but he was well aware of the palliative effects that a single shot of tequila could provide.

Once their shots had arrived, Javi glanced at Kurt. Usually, they’d make a small toast to something silly, but no words were necessary as they each downed the tequila in one swallow. Kurt squinched his eyes a bit as the alcohol traveled from his lips to his stomach, releasing a long breath. Neither spoke for a minute or two, letting the tequila wash over their frayed nerves.

Javi waited. He wasn’t going to ask Kurt to repeat the details of the experience unless he offered to. They’d been down this path many, many times, yes, with the road seeming to twist along different curves and occasionally running into some roadblocks, so if anything needed to be said, he knew Kurt would offer.

When Kurt finally raised his eyes to meet Javi’s he saw a steely determination in them. “Look, I don’t have the answers to whatever this is, but I’m not going to let it ruin your time….no, our time….here, in Mexico, with your family. We can discuss it when we get home,” Kurt said, already tucking it away in his compartmentalized brain. Javi gave him a long look and simply nodded.

But even as he did so, the idea that had started to creep into his consciousness finally worked its way through to the surface. His anger towards Tonio was something he’d been able to keep at bay since he met Kurt. And he had hoped it was actually gone, but now they’d known each other for over a year. They were settling into what was becoming a long-term relationship. Maybe his mind thought it was safe to allow the anger to surface again. “Make no mistake,” his mind whispered, “I’m not going away. It’s past time to deal with this!”

And now was not the time to bring it up, to Kurt anyway. Kurt seemed okay with putting it aside and waiting until they were back in California. Kurt was coping with this situation far better than Javi was and he wasn’t even the one having nightmares! He wasn’t the one encountering things no one could see! Except for the chill of the room in Blaine’s apartment, Javi’d felt nothing.

But his thoughts wouldn’t allow him to shove them aside until he acknowledged one thing – what if his hidden anger was a catalyst for the dream….and everything else that seemed to be building upon it? What if he’d unsuccessfully tried to stuff his anger in a box in their storage locker along with that shattered picture frame and a huge piece of Kurt’s past?

Okay! There it was. No point in running from it anymore. Even if it had nothing to do with the dream or the unsettling phenomena, it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t healing….in fact it was hell! He reached for Kurt’s hand and said, “Let’s go.”