CHAPTER 3 – DEAD END

Kurt glanced at the ring again, buying time by pretending he was examining its beauty more closely. What was he supposed to say? Sure, they’d talked about getting married practically from the moment they met, but it had always been more in the realm of hopes and dreams, weaving stories about what they would do, where they would be…..but this ring, this conversation made it real, concrete, not a some-day dreamy idea.

He loved Blaine with every ounce of his being and he knew Blaine felt the same about him. If he said yes, he’d be denying his own sense of self, the Cautious Kurt who kept his life on an even keel, questioning every decision, large and small….and this definitely lay in the realm of large, more like huge! If he said no, Blaine would be so hurt and it might do real damage to what they had. Kurt didn’t need anyone to tell him that what they had was rare, which made it all the more fragile. No matter what his response was, it would test their commitment to themselves and each other like nothing else ever had. Was there a middle ground? he wondered. Trying to gather the many thoughts flitting through his mind like butterflies not knowing where to alight, he finally took a deep breath desperately hoping he would land on the right combination of words…if there was one.

He reached for one of Blaine’s hands, looking directly into those hazel eyes he loved, seeing the uncertainty, maybe even fear. He wanted Blaine to understand what he was saying even if he had to say it a thousand times tonight. Still holding the velvet-covered ring box, the sparkling diamonds set in gold winking in what little light they had in the hallway, he squeezed Blaine’s hand, hoping to reassure him.

“Blaine, you know I love you. I’ve loved you and only you since the day I first saw you at the Lima Bean. God! I couldn’t wait to see you standing in line behind me every day; I couldn’t wait to meet you, so afraid I never would.” Blaine had an expectant look on his face. When he’d conceived this idea, he knew he was taking a big risk. He knew that Spontaneous Kurt would run for cover, hiding behind Cautious Kurt, hoping his alter ego would make the right decision. Spontaneous Kurt always seemed to get Kurt in trouble, or so he believed, so spontaneity spent a lot of time in hiding.

Blaine nodded, making no attempt to avoid those piercing eyes. If he wanted to know what Kurt was thinking, his expressive eyes almost always gave him away. And what he saw was a struggle, the blues and greens mixing with each other as if they were a newly invented type of traffic light, doing away with the traditional red and yellow, trying to get its bearings.

“I know we’ve talked a lot about marriage…..and I do want to get married sometime,” Kurt suddenly realized that part of his hesitancy was the fact that he’d always thought he’d be the one to ask Blaine, not the other way around. He was older, and he hoped, wiser. But where was his supposed wisdom taking him in this conversation?

“And I love this ring…..it….it tells me just how well you know me. I’ll be honest,” like Blaine expected anything else? “I’m afraid if I say yes….and I really want to….but I’m afraid if I do, you’ll take it as a green light to start planning and we’ve already agreed that we want a big wedding, but I’m not ready for that…we’re not ready for that….and I want the time to be right for both of us. You know how much I want us to plan the wedding together!” His eyes and his voice pleading with Blaine to understand. Blaine started to interrupt, but Kurt squeezed his hand again, letting him know he had more to say, much more.

“And I’m afraid if I say no it’ll hurt your feelings to the point that it could really damage what we have….and what we have is something to be guarded, to be handled with care. Look at how far we’ve come! We’ve managed to keep “us” together for four years! And it’s only a little over a year before we can decide where we want to live!”

“Just think, we could have our wedding on that beach we’ve always talked about in California! It would be like the icing on the cake, so to speak, after we move and get settled.”

“Kurt…..no, please, don’t stop me, please,” Blaine murmured before Kurt could continue, “this is what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that we’ll put it off until we move wherever…..yeah, I hope California….and then we’ll put it off until after we get settled, whatever that looks like, and then we’ll put it off until after something else…..I know you, Kurt, and I love you for your caution, for wanting to make sure everything is perfect….but Kurt, we both know nothing in this world is perfect. Even us! Even our love is not perfect!” Blaine’s voice was tense. He was trying to hold back the fear and the tears that he was afraid might accompany it.

Carefully setting the ring box down, Kurt took both of Blaine’s hands in his own. “Blaine, how about this. I’ll accept the ring….I do want to marry you….but I’ll keep it in a safe place until after you’re finished with school and I promise you we’ll get married once we move. That dream of having our wedding on a beach is mine too, ya know.”

Kurt could see the disappointment in Blaine’s eyes and it genuinely hurt him to see it, but he knew from somewhere deep inside that he was making the best decision…and not just for him, but for them. He opened the box again and removed the ring handing it to Blaine. Blaine gave him a puzzled look, “Put it on my finger. I want to see what it looks like. To see if it fits.” Blaine slid the ring out of the box and carefully slid it down Kurt’s fourth finger. “It’s beautiful, Blaine, just like you….like us.” He held it up to the light again, the diamonds flashing, the gold warm on his finger.

“For tonight I’ll put it in the closet safe, but I want to get a safety deposit box at the bank on Monday. Blaine, I know you’re upset, but I’m just not ready to make it official. The answer to will I marry you is absolutely yes. Yes! Yes! Yes! But, please, let’s hold off on an official engagement. Just think of the fun we’ll have at our engagement party!”

Kurt knew he was starting to sound like a parent trying to placate a child and he also knew he was babbling, so finally he halted the steady stream of words and waited for Blaine to say something….anything.

Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat with difficulty. “Okay, I guess. I mean I’m not going to pretend I’m not….disappointed, but you did say yes, and you did make a promise, so I guess I can wait a little longer.” Kurt never went back on his promises, Blaine thought, trying to reassure himself. “And I suppose it’s really just a formality since we’re living together,” He stopped, again, trying to convince himself of the truth in that statement. “But,” he said with determination, “I want everyone to know before we move. I want a huge celebration with everybody we know there.”

Kurt drew Blaine into his arms, holding him tightly, “I love you more than you’ll ever know, babe, and I can’t wait until the day when you can do me the honor of becoming my husband.” Blaine returned the hug, memorizing those words, storing them in his brain so he could bring them to mind any time he wanted, savoring each syllable, reminding himself that Kurt’s honesty was one of the things he loved most about him…even when it hurt. But why would he even question the truth of what he was saying? Kurt was honest to a fault. Yet….he’d already taken the ring off and placed it back in the box, waiting for the right time. The right time?….go away! he cautioned his mind. Kurt loves me; he would never go back on his word….right?

Laine left his counselor’s office still unsure of what he was going to say to Blaine when he graduated. Of course that was far in the future, except he knew how fast that future could pass stopping at your front door to knock and say something like, “It’s time, you promised you’d tell him.” and that voice always sounded like Barb’s, not accusing as it used to be, but with a resolve, reminding him he owed it to Blaine. And yes, probably, to himself if he was ever going to have a real relationship with his son.

He’d spent endless hours in counseling hashing over ways to tell his only son that he was bisexual. That that had been the real problem in he and Barb’s marriage and his relationship with Blaine. And he’d spent as much time as he could with Blaine after the separation and divorce, trying to build some sort of bridge between them. Of course, it had been too little, too late, but at least they were on speaking terms and shared some common interests. However, his greatest fear was that what little they had would die now that Blaine was living in New York, becoming more man than boy, looking expectantly toward his own future.

In Laine’s mind if he could have told him in the time between the divorce and his move, it probably would have been better…but again, he was so afraid of Blaine’s reaction. Honestly? Was there any good time or better way to tell your gay son that you’re bi? Especially after his stupid knee-jerk reaction to Blaine’s announcement that he was gay? It had taken so much courage for him to sit down with his parents and tell them the truth. And at the time all Laine could think about was himself.

His counselor had warned him repeatedly that no matter how or when he told Blaine, it would most likely result in one of two things. It would either drive them apart again or bring them closer together. Yes, with time, if Laine could manage to attempt to repair this huge rent in their relationship…. if it drove them apart….. then eventually it might draw them closer, but Laine had to be prepared that this revelation might just end in grief, mostly for Laine.

Blaine, for all his attempting to build some sort of relationship with his dad, didn’t have the stake in it that Laine did. Youth was on Blaine’s side. He’d eventually bounce back because their current relationship was still shallow and he had no expectations that it would ever be anything but what it was right now. Laine, on the other hand, was carrying around a lifetime of regret and though he was working to put all of that behind him, in the end, acceptance would come at a price.

He could still remember the day that he and Blaine had been watching football, snacking on chips and dip, and Laine had casually asked how his own counseling was going just to make conversation. Blaine proceeded to offer some of the things he was learning and then, he’d stopped, and said, “Dad, can I ask you a question?”

Laine had been scared to death to find out what the question was. But he knew whatever it was he had to be ready to answer as honestly as possible. “Sure, of course,” he’d said, hoping his comment had sounded casual, as if they’d always discussed everything. Why had he brought up counseling anyway? He knew from experience that talking about your feelings was difficult and especially if you were a guy. He should have stuck to the safety of school or maybe Blaine’s future plans in New York, anything but counseling!

“Um…..are you seeing anyone?….I mean a counselor,” Blaine stumbled, realizing his question could be taken a couple of different ways. “Yeah,” Laine dipped his toes in the treacherous waters, “I thought you knew that.” Of course, Laine thought no such thing, but he didn’t know where this was going.

“Well, a few months back I was at Dr. Milton’s office and I thought I heard your voice when I was leaving, like you were in the elevator or something.” Laine turned his eyes back to the TV screen presumably to catch the latest score, trying to stall and come up with a plausible answer.

“Yes, I am. I’m seeing Dr. Lanter,” he replied. “But why?” Blaine persisted, “uhhhh….I mean don’t all those doctors specialize in LGBTQ counseling?” Oh, god! Now he knew exactly where this conversation was going.

“Well, Blaine…..since you and I are getting to know each other better…” surely there was a better way to put it, but nothing came to mind, “I thought going to one of the doctors there might provide some insight….so that I guess I could be more of a help…. rather than a hindrance?” Well, at least part of that was true.

That’s what Blaine had hoped he would say, or something along those lines anyway. But instead of going to separate counselors why hadn’t he just asked to go with Blaine to some of his sessions? It made sense to hear about Blaine’s thoughts and feelings in that setting, but then he remembered that they didn’t exactly have the kind of relationship where acceptance was the norm. In fact, at that point their relationship was so on the surface you could have skated across it to get to the counselor’s office.

But he had to ask anyway. His dad seemed in a receptive mood, receptive to talking about something other than football or school. “Can I ask another question?” he said. “Of course, Blaine,” Laine replied again as if this was their normal sort of conversation. “Well….why didn’t you just ask to come with me to some of my sessions? Wouldn’t that have given you a better idea of what….um….what we needed to work on?”

Laine sighed as quietly as he could, hoping Blaine wouldn’t notice in his quest for answers. “Blaine, your sexual identity is only one piece of the whole puzzle that was…..” he halted, trying to find the right words. “That was, our marriage, our life….the way I dealt with you….or I guess actually the way I didn’t deal with you. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m trying to change….for our sake. What your mom and I had is beyond repair except that we have to learn to communicate better with you as our common denominator….god!” he looked toward the ceiling in frustration.

Blaine made an attempt to rescue him, “I know what you’re saying and I understand your answer. But, if you ever want to come to one of my sessions, just say so.” This was a huge offering in Laine’s book, and he didn’t think Blaine really knew the magnitude of what he was offering him. So, he simply replied, “Okay, that sounds good,” deciding to think it over later. Blaine was opening a door that Laine thought he’d never have the key to, not in a million years. He and Laine rarely touched, but he felt the need to reach out and connect in a tangible way. He reached over and patted one of Blaine’s ankles as he sat in a curled up position on the couch, pretending to turn his attention back to the game in which he’d lost all interest.

As soon as Rachel walked through the door, setting her overnight bag on the floor, she could tell something was different. Neither Kurt nor Blaine were visible, so she checked the solarium. The TV was off and no one was in the room. Still neat as a pin due to Kurt’s OCD. Walking back down the long hallway, she noticed their bedroom door was closed, and hearing muffled voices she kept right on walking. Even as inconsiderate as she could be sometimes, she knew her boundaries when it came to Kurt and Blaine’s relationship. In fact, Kurt had made it perfectly clear before Blaine moved in. “If our bedroom door is closed do not knock, do not talk, just leave us alone unless the building is burning down or there’s a real emergency” “But,” was all Kurt would allow her to get out before he held his hand up to her face.

“No, Rachel! Not any of your emergencies that are only important to you. Do I need to make a list? I will, ya know. I’ll sit down right now with you and make a list of what constitutes an emergency when it comes to our privacy. I’ll tack it on the bedroom door if I have to, so shall we have a seat?”

Rachel knew he was serious. Kurt could turn anything in his life into a detailed list of do’s and don’t. There was rarely a maybe on one of his lists. For someone so creative, he could be so black and white sometimes. “Geez, Kurt…no, you don’t need to make a list. Am I really that insensitive?” And the answer was so obvious, they both burst out laughing. “I’m making the list anyway,” he chuckled as they got their laughter under control.

By the time she had reached the living room again, she saw that Clay had made his way up to the loft with his own duffle bag, dropping it next to hers, and sitting down in one of the beanbag chairs, closing his eyes. “Where are the Loveboat Twins?” he smirked up at Rachel as he said it. “Shhhh!” she said looking around the apartment as if she expected them to burst from their room upset with Clay’s nickname for them. He never called them that except when he was with Rachel. She usually laughed!

“In their room,” was all she said. It wasn’t unusual for Kurt and Blaine to spend time together in their bedroom when everyone was home. Fortunately, the walls in the loft were thick and relatively soundproof. So Rachel couldn’t figure out why she felt so uneasy. Something just felt….different.

She flopped down on the couch, saying, “Does something seem strange to you?” Clay glanced around the room thinking maybe something was missing, a print from the wall? a piece of furniture out of place? “I don’t know, something just feels…..off.” Oh! Of course! She meant something woman’s intuitionish.

“No, not really,” no one would ever accuse him of being Mr. Sensitive, but he had learned that when Rachel noticed an out of place vibe that it usually did mean something. This was the one area in her life where Rachel was often very perceptive. “Like what?” he asked, closing his eyes again. “I don’t know…..tense? unhappy? uneasy? I don’t know how to describe it.”

After taking a few minutes to assess her surroundings again, she finally shrugged her shoulders, realizing that if it was anything important the feelings would remain and she’d probably figure it out eventually. At least, it didn’t feel dangerous. What she really wanted to do was march back to Kurt and Blaine’s room and knock on the door. Kurt might be able to shed some light on it. He was just as observant to stuff like this as she was. One of the reasons they were best friends. But she’d have to wait, so she settled in to watch a movie with Clay.

Kurt and Blaine were sitting on the bed with magazines scattered all over and Kurt’s laptop open. It had been a little tense the night before after Blaine had proposed and they’d finally entered the loft. Kurt had decided to tread lightly and offered to uncork some wine. “I want to celebrate your proposal and my acceptance!,” Kurt said digging through a kitchen drawer searching for a corkscrew. He wanted to remind Blaine that he HAD said yes. Wasn’t that the really important part?

Blaine was still a little downcast. He’d planned to toast the occasion, too, but with the ring on Kurt’s finger. Kurt carried the goblets into the living room, placing them both on an end table. Kurt quietly took Blaine’s hand saying, “Look, I know this isn’t exactly what you’d hoped for, but someday soon I’ll slip that gorgeous ring on my finger, we’ll have a ginormous engagement party, hire movers to take us wherever we want to end up and have another celebration when we get married! So, here’s to what we have and what’s in store,” he said clinking his glass with Blaine’s.

And before they’d gone to sleep he had silently vowed to encourage what could be salvaged of Blaine’s surprise proposal and show him that he was serious about getting married….at the right time. “What do you think of this?” Kurt asked, turning his HP laptop around for Blaine to see the picture he’d found on a site featuring ideas for a beach wedding. He loved the way the cupola faced the sea, as if the couple were walking down the aisle runner toward the sun-kissed waves lapping the shore, almost as if they were going to take their first step as a married couple testing their toes in them. And Kurt loved the idea of an aisle runner. Much as he wanted the beach wedding, he didn’t really like the idea of sand in everyone’s shoes (his in particular) and there was no way he was going to get married barefoot.

And somehow he wanted to work in the idea of a color wheel. Colors represented the whole spectrum of who a person was, and yes he really believed that. He’d kept this a secret from everyone but Blaine, but he believed his glasz eyes represented parts of his character, the green, brown and blue constantly changing color represented loyalty, stability and his down-to-earth, no-nonsense approach to life. And Blaine’s hazel eyes? Aside from the warm comfort he almost always seemed to find there, the blues and greens with just a hint of gold spoke of his approachability. And even though Blaine didn’t see himself as confident, Kurt knew that he was….or would be with the time he needed to mature. He had this way about him that was soothing to Kurt. When Kurt allowed himself to become tied in knots, Blaine was there to untangle the threads of life that bound him. He brought a peculiar peace to his life that he’d never found anywhere else. Maybe color wheel umbrellas? he thought, bringing himself back to the plans they’d been discussing.

Blaine had relaxed back onto the bed, one hand propping his head up, he leafed through a magazine. “Look at this,” Blaine held the open pages out for Kurt to examine a photo of much more casual attire than the white suits they’d always planned to wear. “I mean, wearing white suits on the beach is a little impractical really.” Kurt’s sense of neatness agreed, but wearing the shorts, short-sleeved Hawaiian-print shirts and sandals that the photo offered wasn’t anything he’d picture himself wearing on or off a beach and certainly not on one of the most important days of his life. Blaine smiled to himself. Of course, he’d known this. He was just having fun watching Kurt’s reaction.

With an arched eyebrow and a saucy snap of his eyes, he said, “Surely there’s a middle ground between white suits and Margaritaville attire, don’t you think?” Blaine chuckled, “You and your middle grounds! Well, we could start bulking up and show up in, say, white pants and muscle shirts….or better yet, no shirts at all!”

Kurt snatched the magazine from Blaine’s hands, tossing it aside and pushing Blaine back onto his favorite pillow. “No, I am not appearing half-naked at our wedding,” Kurt smirked, “but…..I’m not opposed to it as a general rule. Maybe you could convince me with a little practice,” Kurt said as he finished unbuttoning Blaine’s half-open shirt. “Oh, no….no, no, no….you know I don’t believe in sex before marriage,” Blaine murmured, drawing Kurt’s face down toward his own. Kurt muttered a slight um-hm as his lips found Blaine’s, “In that case we’re already married,” he whispered against Blaine’s lips as they met, hungry…..and eager to satisfy the need for each other’s bodies.

Even though his thinking was clouded by desire for what Kurt was offering, Blaine was sure he’d heard Rachel, and probably, Clay return. The soft thud of the front door opening and closing and then the muffled sound of the TV? Surely, Kurt had heard them, too. And it was extremely rare for Kurt to initiate sex when others were in the loft. But who was he to refuse? he thought as Kurt ravaged his face with kisses, weaving his fingers through his hair. Besides, it was sort of a turn-on and they’d both had lots of practice with keeping quiet and having their fun all at the same time.

They’d grown bored with the movie about halfway through so Clay had suggested a game of Monopoly, but his mind wasn’t really on establishing himself on Boardwalk or even Mediterranean Avenue. All he could think about was that closed bedroom door….and what may or may not be happening behind it.

“Geez, Clay, if you continue to play like this, it might be the shortest game of Monopoly ever with me as the winner! Where’s your head at?” She said, marching her top hat token around the board. He liked Rachel, but sometimes she could be so irritating and he so badly wanted to say something like, “On Kurt! And what they’re doing. Maybe you could knock on the door and ask them to join us!”

He knew his mind was playing its own game that he couldn’t win either. Even though he knew they probably weren’t doing “it” that gave him little comfort. One night when Kurt had been at a rehearsal practice and Rachel was at a play, Blaine and Clay had kicked back with a couple of beers and celebrated the arrival of the best day of the week, Friday.

He never could remember how they’d got around to that topic of conversation, but Blaine had mentioned that just because he and Kurt insisted on their privacy behind that closed bedroom door didn’t mean that they were having sex. Maybe they’d been talking about sex in general? He couldn’t remember and what did it matter anyway?

Blaine said, “That’s just not Kurt’s style….I mean doing that with other people around….even though we’ve had lots of practice at being quiet,” he laughed, “back in Lima…” what was he doing? He was about to share back porch stories with Clay! Blushing, he said, “God! I’m sorry Clay. You don’t want to hear this!” He put his half-empty can of beer on the coffee table deciding he didn’t need any more.

Actually, Clay had been torn. No, he didn’t want to hear it, but yes, anything about Kurt was worthy of discussion. How pathetic!

Trying to drag his thoughts back to the present, rolling the dice, he moved the race car past all the properties he’d ignored, some Rachel had already claimed, promptly landing on the Jail space. Now there was irony on full display! That’s exactly how he felt, a prisoner to his thoughts and feelings for something he could not have, just like the properties he’d passed up. Except he might still be able to capture some of the properties; trying to capture Kurt’s heart was a no-win.

What was he going to do? He couldn’t stay in this figurative jail forever! And after three more turns he still hadn’t gotten the Get Out of Jail Free card. Too bad there wasn’t a Dead End space with perhaps a property resting on a cul-de-sac because that’s exactly what his life felt like when it came to Kurt. He was living in a dead end with no way out.