Month: July 2021

At last, they were done practicing for the day. As far as Blaine was concerned, the Warblers sounded as good as they were ever going to, and although he’d never been in a competition like this, the group was pretty confident in their routine. Brian and Evan had invited him along for a carb-loaded meal at Breadsticks, but he wasn’t particularly hungry…just like he hadn’t been ever since his world had twisted and twirled in ways he didn’t understand and seemed unable to come to grips with. It was like juggling unfamiliar objects that continually changed, grasping one and then another only to have them fall to the floor or disappear into thin air.

He sat on the edge of the auditorium stage, nervously tapping his fingers, staring at the floor. Yes, it sounded childish. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, right? And in all honesty wasn’t it what he’d been longing for? He’d wished for it, daydreamed about it, probably even prayed for it for years…and he’d never felt like this. He associated words like relieved and even happy with it. And now all he seemed to feel was confused, distracted, angry and even guilty. How selfish to even be the slightest bit happy. And why did this have to happen now? So close to sectionals! His stress level was already higher than normal. At least he didn’t have a solo, he thought with a sigh. And then there was that other…..issue…what if it happened again?

Had his parents even given a second’s thought as to how this announcement would affect him? Apparently, that was one thing that hadn’t changed and why should that surprise him? He knew he was being unfair, especially to his mother. I mean, surely she’d been as shocked as he’d been! What was she supposed to say, “Sorry, Laine, this has to wait until after sectionals. We can make our life-changing decisions in a few weeks.” Why would he expect them to understand the importance of sectionals…to even compare the two situations was ridiculous! Stop it! Just stop it! Wallowing in self-pity would get him nowhere.

He’d still been riding the high from that perfect night. Remembering how long it had taken them to finally say the words that would replace “me too.” He could still hear the inflection in his own voice, in Kurt’s voice. The way they’d looked at each other. How they’d sort of talked about forever. Forever….did that really exist in light of…..no! he was not going to let his mind go there. Much better to engage his memory in what had followed that declaration.

His mind continually played the music of what it felt like to be touched that way by Kurt…and he could still feel his hands moving over Kurt’s body, creating sensations neither of them had known existed. And afterwards….for days afterwards they’d felt shy around each other, which was delicious all by itself. Like they knew there would be a next time, but it couldn’t be right now…..more anticipation. Sometimes it would keep him awake just imagining the next time. He’d never done drugs but it was impossible in his mind to believe it could produce a high better than this. Kurt Hummel had become his drug of choice.

He hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary when his dad had walked through the door, following a routine that you could almost set a clock by. It was like his office beckoned him forward like a magnet. As if no one else lived in this house but him, and in actuality, from Blaine’s vantage point, no one did. His physical presence only changed one thing, the atmosphere. Blaine could almost hear the imaginary egg shells crunch as he and his mom tiptoed around him. There would be no how was your trip or what happened while I was gone conversations. A true workaholic, he even had a full bath in his office suite. Sometimes he’d emerge long enough to join them for dinner and sometimes not. Blaine preferred not actually; it only made their evening meal tense and the conversation forced and contrived.

What had been completely out of the ordinary was that his dad had been home for an entire week. Blaine couldn’t remember the last time that had taken place. Vacation was not a word in his vocabulary. His idea of relaxation was carrying the Wall Street Journal to their screened-in porch with a glass of scotch in hand, sinking into the cushions of one of the overstuffed chairs and putting his feet up on an ottoman. One time Blaine had decided to do his homework at the dining room table just to see how many hours his dad would spend leafing through the pages of newsprint. Five hours! Was he engaging in a memorization exercise? When he finally emerged, paper still in hand, he’d walked right by Blaine without saying a single word, following what had to be a well-worn path back to his domain, the office.

True to form, he hadn’t missed a single day of work, up early and gone to the hospital even before Blaine had stepped into the shower. Even Saturday and Sunday weren’t sacred, worshiping at his desk if only for a few hours each day.

But, Blaine wasn’t going to ask why he was still at home. He had no reason to. Sure, he could have taken his mom aside and questioned her, but she’d seemed distracted, even edgy, finding any number of excuses for spending her time socializing or volunteering. And besides, his dad wouldn’t be any more forthcoming with him than at any other time and to be honest he didn’t really care. The less he made his dad aware of his presence the better. His bedroom became an even greater sanctuary than usual.

Barb stood at the foot of the staircase, indecisive…there was really no right or wrong way to do this…She didn’t want to just spring this news on Blaine, yet she didn’t want Laine to think she’d talked to Blaine beforehand. If a single thing could make this worse, that would be it. Laine was cautiously waiting for them….where else? in his office. God forbid they could do this like a normal family, perhaps in the living room or even at the dining room table, reasonably neutral, if not exactly comforting, considering. But, she had decided she wasn’t going to choose where as one of their battles. It was the one room in the house where he felt that he was completely in control and if control was what he wanted so be it. She quietly climbed the stairs, knocking on Blaine’s closed bedroom door.

“Blaine,” she said just loud enough so he could hear, “could you please open the door?” “Sure, just a minute.” As she waited, she prayed he would catch her wariness. Barefoot, he opened the door. “Yeah?” he said as he saw her put her finger to her lips. Again in that same sotto voce tone, she said, “Come downstairs with me please….,” she saw his puzzled look, “everything is going to be okay….just come with me.” He nodded, grabbing a pair of shoes. His father hated it when people didn’t wear shoes, even in the house.

As they approached the office door, he tried not to panic. He knew all too well that nothing favorable ever came out of the three of them meeting anywhere, but especially in THE OFFICE. It always appeared in his mind in capital letters, like PRINCIPAL on the office door at school. What if for the first time in his life he’d decided to take his head out of the sand after declaring a subject closed? Had something happened? Had someone heard or said something? All he could see in his brain was that office desk separating his father from him covered in out of state boys’ school brochures. He wasn’t leaving Kurt behind! His teenage mind had them running off together into the night for who knew where. He didn’t care how irrational it sounded!

As his mom turned the door knob, she tried to reassure him with a careful smile…and he felt a little less anxious when he noticed that that barricade of a desk wasn’t covered in brochures. In fact, even the usual neatly stacked papers were in hiding. The desk held almost nothing…..

Being seated didn’t make him feel any less apprehensive. It reminded him of the game, Statues, that he played as a kid. The three of them frozen in place, not for the fun of it as in the game, but because whatever lay ahead would feel like a sudden thaw sending them over the edge of this mountain like an avalanche.

Without preamble, his father cleared his throat…and Blaine could sense the avalanche beginning. Uncharacteristically, his mom took his hand. His mother had never shown him affection in front of his father…but then things had been very different since he’d come out. Her moist hand didn’t bring him much comfort. If anything, it made things worse. He was clinging to her words from earlier, “everything’s going to be okay….” If that were true though why would he need reassurance….unless something horrible was about to happen? Maybe she’d meant, “everything will be okay….eventually,” the way that people tossed that phrase around as if to reassure themselves more than anybody else. It never even occurred to him that the impending conversation wouldn’t be one where he was at the center.

“Blaine, we….your mother and I have something…” “Oh no, Laine, you Will. Not. Put….any of this on me!” Blaine was shocked and, if possible, even more frightened! The only time he’d ever heard his mother raise her voice to his father was when they were arguing behind closed doors. Was this decision they’d made been one she wasn’t truly in agreement with? Still, as if Blaine wasn’t in the room, Laine’s tightwire voice said, “Barb, it’s not like this hasn’t been coming for years…not like he hasn’t…” “What, Laine? Hasn’t been exposed to this ridiculous excuse for a marriage?” She took a deep breath as if preparing to send another volley his way and then stopped….realizing that this was not at all what she wanted. Blaine had lived with this mess of a life, too, and suddenly she just wanted it to be done. Why prolong it with petty arguing? She turned to Blaine, “I’m sorry, Blaine…this…continue Laine, let’s just get this over with.”

His father addressed him again, “Blaine,” Blaine kept his worried eyes on his mother, not wanting to know what had upset her so much, “Blaine, look at me…..please.” He’d never heard his voice sound so soft….and weary. What was going on? His father never asked, he always demanded. Blaine turned around to face his dad, fear in his eyes that he couldn’t disguise. Whatever was happening, it couldn’t be good.

“Your mother and I are….we’re getting a divorce,” To his surprise and shame, all he felt was relief. He had only brief seconds to take it in, but he didn’t have to wonder which parent he’d be left with…..left with, it made him sound like a bag of hand-me-down clothes that no one wanted. Yet, he’d imagined this scene so many times in his life that it was almost anticlimactic. He didn’t have to pretend and ask why. Not even giving Blaine a chance to respond, Laine continued, “I’ll be moving out; you and your mother can stay here…or move back to Appleton. You can go anywhere you want actually.” Well, of course they could, Blaine thought, Laine obviously could care less about consistent visitation…or visitation at all if the truth be told.

Blaine turned his attention back to his mom looking for assurance that they wouldn’t be leaving Lima. That had been his first thought at his dad’s words about moving. She squeezed his hand and gave him a look he interpreted as “we’ll talk later.”

“So….Blaine, um…do you have anything you want to say…any questions?” Again! He felt like he was being interviewed for a job. “Why yes, Mr. Anderson! Will I be working from home or in the office? Well, yes, of course, that desk will be just fine.” He and his father in an office with adjoining desks! Perish the thought! Even though this wasn’t totally unexpected nor was it a tragedy as far as Blaine was concerned, he wanted to lash out! To finally say all the things he’d buried so deeply…..but the one and only question he had was “why now?” Yet, he held it back, why did he care if it was now or 20 years from now? To ask it or anything else might only bring questions from his dad about Blaine’s life…and Blaine didn’t want to know why now badly enough to risk that. But then, Blaine thought bitterly, the idea that his dad might care that much was ludicrous. For once, he and his dad might actually be on the same wavelength. All his dad would be concerned with was how certain details of Blaine’s life might affect him. And all Blaine cared about was how this divorce might smash his world to smithereens.

Blaine simply shook his head and asked to be excused. It appeared no one was going to stop him, so he stood up and walked out of that spiritless office as quickly as possible. He needed to talk to Kurt; a text wouldn’t do.

Barb glanced over at Laine after she was sure Blaine couldn’t hear, rising to close the door behind him. Laine caught her look and sighed, simply saying, “Thank you.” “Thank you? For what?” she asked with a level voice. She perched on the couch as if she longed to be excused herself. “For not telling him….the reason.” “You mean the truth, don’t you? You’re such a hypocrite! Here he had the guts to come to us and tell US the truth about his being gay and you…you…you disgust me! Just forget it!,” She threw up her hands in frustration. Even though she’d known for days, and in actuality for years, realizing again how much of her life she’d wasted on this man still infuriated her.

“So, when are you leaving and where will you stay? No…I don’t care where you stay. Just….go! The sooner the better for all of us!”

“There’s still the issue of visitation…” he tiptoed. “Really, Laine? Why another pretense! You no more want to “visit” Blaine than he does you. If you want to know, you’ll have to ask him yourself. He’s a big boy. If I were him I’d spit in your face!”

“Barb, can we at least be civil with each other? I know I deserve every ounce of your anger, but why continue this animosity? I’ll move once I’m done with this trip. I’ll stay in a hotel tonight just as I planned. And thank you for…..look, I know I don’t deserve your kindness, but thanks for agreeing not to say anything to him about….the other.”

“You can’t even say it, can you? The words are bisexual or pansexual. Surely, all of that counseling should have taught you that much! And you can’t stand the idea that, just like Blaine, you were born that way. And maybe I should thank you for at least one thing – you were smart enough to use protection…although I doubt that was really for my sake.”

She stood up, heading for the door. She’d had enough of Laine Anderson and soon he’d be gone. It was what she wanted. What she had been planning herself even! So, why did she feel so angry and empty? “I’m keeping your secret to protect him, not you. Once he’s through college, I insist that you tell him. That’s our deal. He deserves the truth and he deserves to hear it from you.” And with that, attempting to maintain her dignity, she left.

Blaine called Kurt as soon as he’d plopped onto the bed. “Is everything okay?” Kurt asked. They rarely talked when they were apart. Texting was easier and that way no one would hear their conversations. Delete was the easiest tap on the whole phone. “Okay?…..well, I’m not sure how to answer that….my parents are getting a divorce.”

“What? Really? Why?….I mean why now?” “I don’t know why now; I didn’t stick around to ask and I haven’t had time to think about it much. What if…if it’s because I came out to them? I mean, sure I want him gone…but not because of something I did! And they’ve been headed in this direction for as long as I can remember. I’m sure mom will want to talk to me once he’s not here. Kurt….I can’t believe this is happening. I mean….I don’t know what I mean. He said he’s moving out and mom and I can live wherever we want. What if she wants to move? We haven’t been here that long. I won’t go; I can’t. I’m not leaving you. I love you! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Blaine, don’t borrow trouble. Just give her some time. Think about it, it’s probably not much of a shock to her. You’ve told me a million times that they obviously aren’t happy together. If he hadn’t taken the initiative, she would have eventually. Just….try not to worry, okay? Are you still coming over tonight or would you rather stick around in case, ya know, she wants to talk?”

“No, I don’t want to give up time with you, but can we just stay at the house instead of going to a movie? What if it’s one of the last times I see you? What if she just wants to leave because she doesn’t want to deal with living here where he’s at? With all the stuff she does in the community it might be easier to just leave now! We could move back to Appleton and she could settle back into our old life. What if…”

“Blaine, stop! I’ll pick you up at 6, okay? Just….maybe you could go to her instead of waiting for her to come to you. Everything will work itself out. Calm down, babe. I love you and I’ll see ya soon.”

Blaine said his good-byes, then opened the door slightly to see if he could hear anything from downstairs. He decided to leave his door open. He didn’t want to go back downstairs unless he knew his father was gone. He didn’t know what his plans were for tonight, but he doubted he’d be spending any more nights in this house. He returned to his bed and stared at the ceiling for awhile, trying to calm himself and take Kurt’s advice, but his mind just wouldn’t shut off. He tried concentrating on some homework, but that was just as useless, and he didn’t want to turn on the TV or listen to music for fear he’d miss something going on downstairs.

Finally, he laid down on the bed and attempted to quiet himself, taking some deep breaths, bringing up a list in his mind of all the positives of this new situation. How sad was that? And worse, he found many more positives than negatives. He heard his phone ping and assuming it was Kurt, he grabbed it off the comforter. There was a text…from his mom! Could this day get any more surreal?

“Meet me downstairs in 20 minutes,” it read. She’d never texted him before when they were both in the house. That must mean his dad was still here but was leaving soon. She no more wanted to have a discussion with Laine around than he did. He wanted to text back a million questions, but kept his impulsiveness in check, simply replying “okay.” Knowing that he would have some answers soon helped quell his nervousness. He didn’t know how long his mom had known about this latest development, but he knew she’d had to have been thinking ahead. As inconsiderate as his dad was he couldn’t picture him just springing this on her today. Yes, she’d been upset during that non-conversation, but she was upset with him more than the topic of discussion. She hadn’t seemed very disturbed by that at all. Twenty minutes, he’d be counting down….

Barb laid down on the couch, allowing herself to relax and closing her eyes. She had nothing more to say to Laine, absolutely nothing. Him asking for a divorce hadn’t surprised her at all. Relief, she was relieved when the words that neatly clipped the tether that had bound them together for so long were spoken at last. That had been Monday, almost a week ago. What had surprised her was that he’d actually admitted to his long-kept secret! However, surprise gave way to common sense. Her love may have burned to a pile of ashes years ago, but her awareness of how his mind worked was still as keen as ever. He held a bargaining chip! A divorce and his financial support for she and Blaine in exchange for keeping her mouth shut. If he’d only known how long she’d kept her mouth shut! But he’d know that soon enough.

When next he opened his brief case, laying atop its neatly arranged contents he’d find those postcards. As he double-checked closets and drawers for things he may have forgotten, she’d managed to slip them into his brief case that sat next to the front door. Part of her had wanted to keep them in case she would need them in the future, but then she’d thought better of it. It wasn’t like she hadn’t gathered other “evidence” over the years…and besides she was so ready to put this behind her. She realized that in many ways she’d been preparing to put it behind her for years, making her own tentative plans. Her main concern now was Blaine.

As upsetting as this situation might be, she knew most of the upset would have nothing to do with a divorce or Laine leaving.  Kurt would be his first thought. And she knew he would be anxious.  She could see him pacing the bedroom or lying on his bed, that disturbed expression on his face, his frightened eyes focused on the ceiling. He’d certainly called or texted Kurt by now.

Even in her own reveries abandoning Lima wasn’t a consideration. She’d had enough of being uprooted every few years. Sure, to most people Lima was just a tiny dot on an Ohio map. It was simply an ordinary city where people lived their suburban lives in relative peace. She’d been longing for just such a life ever since she’d come to the full realization that her life was based on lies. If she needed excitement, Cincinnati or even Indianapolis were close enough. And though it may seem strange, in the midst of this upheaval, she could still laugh at the idea that anyone would find either city a source of excitement.

So, she waited…..quietly anticipating the tap of shoes leading from his office to the front door, his luggage dropping to the floor as he opened it and finally the click of the door as it closed. She’d been holding her breath! She’d dreamt of this day never fully realizing how hearing this sequence of sounds for the last time would affect her. She’d always thought it would feel like dancing to the chorus of 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. So, she was a bit shaken when it felt more like the somber and depressing tone to The Sound of Silence.

Laine was stalling, but why? In truth, there was nothing more for him to pack.  He’d fully intended to stay in a hotel tonight.  The thought of one more night living this tiresome and depressing pretense in the house where he was more an unwelcome guest than a family member was just too much.  This juncture had been far too long in coming and the last thing he wanted to do was prolong everyone’s pain. Though neither Blaine nor Barb would believe it, their pain was his pain…and so he lingered.

Despite everything, causing this immeasurable damage had never been his intent. But in his pitiful effort to guard his secret, he’d hurt Blaine probably more than if he’d divorced Barb years ago.  But the what ifs were useless.  The countless times he’d longed to take Blaine into his arms were worthless without the action that should accompany his longing. The hours he’d spent barricaded in his damnable office trying to gather the courage to tell Barb the whole truth from beginning to end…and then release her and Blaine, allowing them to live in peace. If he’d done that perhaps Blaine wouldn’t be struggling with his sexual orientation believing his father despised him for it. Instead, they might have been able to share this burden, to have conversations that would maybe lead them to a better understanding of themselves and each other. Sure, and maybe the fairy tale of happily ever after was real along with Santa Claus and the Easter bunny. The fact of the matter was the destruction was already complete.  And for once he could honestly face the fact that he was a coward.  

And again she waited, this time for the soft padding of bare feet as Blaine quickly descended the stairs. It wasn’t two minutes later that he appeared with that worried look on his face he was bravely trying to hide.  She realized he must have been listening from upstairs.

Sitting up, she waved him over to the cushion beside her on the couch, a sad smile on her face.  Blaine didn’t know what to say.  He wanted to anxiously blurt out, “Are we moving?” but he restrained himself.  As much as he knew neither of them would miss his father’s presence, this was the end of a relationship that had lasted for decades….and now that he was in a relationship of his own, he didn’t want to think about endings.  This would never happen to him and Kurt, he swore to himself.  “No, we’re not moving,” she said as if reading his mind.  She didn’t have to read it, the question was written all over his face.  Blaine released a sigh of relief, leaning back on the couch.  

“And I know you have questions, despite your lack of them in there,” she said nodding in the general direction of the office.  He looked at her with anxious eyes again and asked, “Mom….this didn’t have anything to do with my coming out, did it?”  Oh, if he only knew the truth he would find that question so ironic, “Of course not.  You know as well as I do that this has been coming for a long, long time.”  “But why now?” to which she replied, “Why not now?  I know it seems a little strange that he didn’t make this decision before we moved to Lima, but Blaine….aren’t you glad he didn’t?”  Hmmm, Blaine hadn’t even thought about that!

“But what about you?  I mean, I know you’ve made friends and everything here, but do you really want to hang around for…” he didn’t know what to call it.  “The fallout?” Barb provided.  “Yeah, I guess so, yeah that.”  She gave a short laugh, “Oh, Blaine, sad as this sounds and indeed is, divorce isn’t the big deal it used to be.  If it was your father would still be here making us all miserable.  It took him a long time to come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t really affect his image or his social standing.  But the question is how are you?  I know, even considering the fact that we’ll all be happier because of it, well….”  “I’m okay, mom, really.  I almost wish I wasn’t but…yeah I’m okay.”

“And Blaine, I doubt you’ve even given this any thought yet, but your education will be well taken care of…and I’ll be okay, too.  Money is one thing you don’t have to concern yourself with.  Now, listen to me carefully.  I know you think you’re perfectly fine with this and maybe you are…but no matter the past, if you have any questions or issues….please tell me.  I don’t want you carrying around all of this crap into your future.  I plan on seeing a counselor and I think you should, too, but you’re old enough to make that decision.”  His mom had always been big on counseling, although how it had helped her he was uncertain, “and speaking of decisions, it’s your decision whether you want to have visitation with him.”  Visitation….it sounded like a funeral! And indeed that’s probably what it would feel like.  Why bother continuing the farce of a nonrelationship they already had?  But he said, “I’ll think about it.”

When Kurt pulled up in the driveway, Blaine ran to meet the car, quickly hopping in.  Kurt didn’t even have to ask if their worst nightmare had been realized.  Blaine’s face said it all.  “I love you so much!” he squawked.  Kurt just laughed at him, “And you love me so much because….?”  “Because we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together!  Because we’re staying in Lima!”  “I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone sound even half as happy as you do about staying in Lima, but I liked the sound of the first part!”  The rest of their lives together sounded like everything Kurt had ever wanted….and until tonight he’d never even thought about it seriously….it sounded wonderful, like the ideal future.

Blaine reached across the console and put his hand on Kurt’s thigh. He was so happy to see him! But as they covered the distance between his house and Kurt’s unwelcome thoughts began creeping into his mind. Sure, his dad was gone from their physical home, but he was keeping his job and everything that went with that. That meant if somehow his life was affected by Blaine’s being gay, it might still cause problems for him and Kurt. So far, his dad had remained silent on the subject as he said he would, but what if along with rumors about the divorce began circulating their social circle or the hospital, his being gay came up? His dad still held the financial strings and where Blaine attended school…would he change his mind about remaining oblivious? And he didn’t even know about Kurt or didn’t think he did. What would happen if he found out, probably more like when? Maybe he’d be too busy creating his single life to care. The bottom line was he didn’t really care about Blaine’s life except if it affected him professionally or socially, so that probably hadn’t changed. But why start worrying about it now? He sighed and tried to get his mind out of where it was by looking over at Kurt and soaking in his beauty, squeezing his thigh more for his own reassurance than anything else.

The Hummels were so used to seeing Blaine on a Sunday evening that they shouted “hi!” from the living room and invited them in for a few minutes. They paused the movie they were watching and offered Blaine some cheese popcorn which he declined. He didn’t want to have cheese breath! As they bantered back and forth, his mind wandered once again. Why couldn’t he have a family like this? This house was so warm and welcoming. It was like being wrapped in a comfort quilt for visitors. Walking into his house was like walking into a deep freeze. All those big empty rooms….and now there’d be one more empty room. Not that the person who’d used it was there very often, but still…

He still couldn’t get the idea that his coming out proclamation hadn’t been the catalyst to this major life change. And if not the catalyst at least a large contributor. Yet, he knew it wasn’t all about him. He felt like there was something missing, something they weren’t telling him. And why should they tell him everything? He was still a teenager, a kid in their eyes. He knew all about the affairs and the inevitable arguments and even some of the details of those arguments. He wasn’t deaf and though he was sure they thought their voices didn’t carry that far behind closed doors, the fact was they did, and he wasn’t above hiding in a nearby room listening.

He was abruptly brought back to the moment when Burt asked, “Blaine, do you think you guys are ready for sectionals? You don’t want the McKinley newbies beating you, right?” he laughed. Kurt glanced worriedly over at Blaine. It had not escaped his attention that Blaine had been somewhere else since his declaration of love and forever in the car. He’d been almost ecstatic! What had changed? He wanted to tell his parents about what was happening in Blaine’s home life, but that was for Blaine to tell, not him, so he remained silent as Blaine absently replied, “Yeah, of course! And besides the Warblers have been doing this for years. They’ve come out on top more often than not….sorry not sorry to say that McKinley doesn’t stand a chance,” he gave Kurt a half-smile and Kurt nudged his shoulder, “Maybe…..but we just might surprise you all! Just because you can warble and dance doesn’t mean that the new direction we’ve taken isn’t at least as good or better!” He laughed, loving his play on words for the two groups’ names.

As if by some prearranged signal, Burt turned to Carole and said, “Let’s go watch the movie upstairs where these two can’t disturb us.” Carole shook her head with a smile and took the hand Burt offered her, leaving Blaine and Kurt to their own devices. They didn’t even have to pretend they wanted to stay in the living room. When they were at Kurt’s and no one was using the porch, that’s where their thoughts and their desires led them.

It was reasonably warm, so the stove wasn’t required. Sometimes, they commented on how they missed it. It made everything more cozy and romantic, but as Kurt had said once, “We create enough sparks to start our own fire,” which was certainly the truth.

Kurt had been sure that as excited as Blaine had been when he picked him up that he’d probably skip the conversation (saving it for later) and dive right into the makeout session. They hadn’t gone any farther than that amazing night they’d declared their love and everlasting devotion to each other. Of course, it wasn’t that they didn’t want to….but they were waiting for the right time and place, the porch absolutely not being either. They’d discussed a variety of scenarios, but as of yet hadn’t come up with that right time or place.

But instead, Blaine laid his head on Kurt’s sturdy shoulder, snuggling into his body as if for comforting. Noting the now serious look on Blaine’s handsome face…..the jubilance from earlier had all but disappeared. Maintaining silence, Kurt was hoping Blaine would tell him what was wrong without him asking. Drawing Blaine closer, he tipped his head against Blaine’s and waited, rubbing his arm with a hand. He cherished the idea of his role as Blaine’s protector.

“Kurt, what would we do if my dad decided to send me to another school? I mean, that’s still a possibility, especially since he’s staying in Lima. I can’t….no, I won’t leave you! I don’t know what I’ll do, but no!”

Kurt tightened his one-armed embrace. “Why would he do that? I mean even if he did know about us, now that he’s pretty much out of your lives, he’s going to want to get on with his, too. If he wanted to send you away I think he would have already done it. Me being in the picture isn’t going to make you any more gay and from what you’ve told me, he’s still not even acknowledging that to himself. I suppose if he’s vengeful he might do it just to make matters worse, but it sounds like he’s trying to avoid more pain, not continue to inflict it.”

“Maybe,” Blaine said, ” but…if it has nothing to do with my coming out….it just seems weird….the timing is too convenient, I guess? I don’t want to be responsible for this mess….well, I’m not totally responsible I guess, but….it’s like I’m missing something…”

“Blaine,” Kurt said into his soft curls as he kissed his head, “Your dad is responsible for his own actions. He’s the adult, remember? If your coming out contributed…so what? Ninety per cent of the damage was already done. As I said earlier, don’t borrow trouble, and I know that’s easy for me to say, but…..I love you, I’ll always love you and whatever happens we’ll get through it together.” Blaine took all that those words represented to them and attempted to relax into Kurt’s reassuring arms.

Kurt was right, of course, about borrowing trouble. This wasn’t like him at all. Worry was Kurt’s middle name, not his. But for whatever reason he was starting to realize what this development might mean. And although he knew this wasn’t all about him…..no! just stop it! He and Kurt had only a few hours a week like this and spoiling it with all this circular thinking was robbing them both.

Reaching up to touch Kurt’s face, he scooted up so they were at eye level, “Thank you…for listening and…I don’t know caring, trying to bring me back to Earth I guess. Kurt, I know I say this all the time now, but I love you so much. I hate it when we’re apart and I don’t want to waste what time we have together,” he leaned in, kissing him softly as Kurt encircled him with both arms, loving the sound of their breathing, the feathery touch of their lips. “And I love you…” Kurt whispered, “I love touching your skin…and your eyelashes….your ears….,” quietly demonstrating with his fingers and his mouth. Little by little, Kurt slid farther down on the couch, taking Blaine with him.

His mind quietly reminded him to take his time. He wanted to put Blaine at ease, to help him forget all of the outside influences and drown with him in their kisses, the touch of their exploring fingers, their tongue’s tasting, the feeling of being in love swishing and spiraling inside, churning into a fiery tempest of desire. He wanted to say I love you without uttering a word.

Blaine’s mind started to cloud like it always did when he was in Kurt’s warm yet firm embrace, his senses heightened….and he tried to settle in to the opaqueness, allowing those niggling thoughts to disappear into the sky below. He attempted taking over while at the same time following Kurt’s lead of taking it slowly.

He kissed him with passion, the sensual strokes of his tongue and fingers eliciting sighs and moans that fueled his own passion. Unbuttoning the shiny blue buttons on his shirt, he slid his fingers underneath spreading it open as it fell to each side of his chest. He loved Kurt’s porcelain skin. Kurt hated it because even after a short period of time in the sun he’d be covered with freckles, but Blaine could care less about freckles….and especially not now.

Kurt’s eyes were closed, his long neck turned to the side. He was like a work of art, Blaine mused……looking sooooo vulnerable. Blaine could tell he was lost in his own cloud of sensations, waiting for Blaine’s next move. Blaine breathed into Kurt’s neck, tasting it first with his lips and then his tongue. Kurt wrapped his arms tighter, wanting to feel Blaine’s body closer, if that was possible, as he relished the tender heat of lips and tongue along his skin, then traveling around the backside of his ear. His eyes still closed, he pulled Blaine’s shirt up, licking his index finger, reaching for one of his taut nipples, knowing how Blaine would react….except he didn’t.

He squirmed as if he was uncomfortable, so Kurt lightened his touch. Hmmmm…..usually, Blaine would speak to him, if not in words, then in subtle touches letting Kurt know what he wanted, but….this hadn’t exactly been an ordinary night. He could feel Blaine trying to settle into the nuances of his fingers grazing and stroking his body, but still he seemed…..tense. Instead, he moved his hand to rest on Blaine’s waist, allowing him to continue his ministrations, letting him know just how much he loved what he was doing, how he couldn’t wait for whatever Blaine had planned.

“Yesssss right there….ohmigod…..” Kurt murmured, turning Blaine’s face from his neck, drawing his lips towards his own once again, “Blaine…..I love you…..you drive me out of my mind…..” He slipped his tongue under Blaine’s as Blaine allowed him to seek out his favorite sensitive areas.

Blaine quickly removed his pullover shirt, tossing it onto the coffee table, turning to see that Kurt’s eyes were devouring him. God, how he loved those psychedelic eyes! Sometimes it felt like he could just dive into them and be lost forever. “Kurt…” he murmured, again, capturing his lips, kissing him hard, almost desperately. And Kurt couldn’t help but respond. He wanted Blaine so badly, feeling the ache of desire in his groin.

Lying side by side, he couldn’t help but move his hips against Blaine’s, rolling over on top of him, returning his frantic kiss.

Blaine lay beneath Kurt’s prone body, Kurt’s hips grinding against his own, his hard-on evident. And Blaine’s usually clouded mind wanted Kurt just as badly, wanted to feel him undo his jeans, using his hands and fingers to bring him to climax, but nothing was happening! What was going on? The desire was there…he almost wished it weren’t…because while all of the rest of him was screaming to be satisfied, his cock was barely hard. And trying to focus, to concentrate, only made it worse.

Finally, in frustration, he broke the kiss and said, “Kurt…I can’t do this….” breathless. Of course, Kurt had been able to tell something was wrong, but he’d never had experience with this, of not being able to “do this,” at least not since they’d given each other the green light weeks ago.

He rolled over onto the couch again, not knowing what to do or say. He was still in need of release, but after taking a look at Blaine’s confused and discouraged face, he had to force that to the back of his mind. And that wasn’t easy! Despite the situation, he was still a horny teenager.

Taking a shaky breath, he tried to catch Blaine’s eye, but Blaine refused to look at him. His expression seeming to form one sad question, he looked like he might be ready to cry. “Blaine,” he soothed with a hand to his cheek, “it’s okay,” not really knowing if it was. This was something he knew next to nothing about. He’d read very little about it and he and his dad certainly hadn’t covered it. As far as he knew this only happened to older guys. He tried to remember some of the reasons why, while dealing with his own uncomfortable situation and wanting to take that horrible look off of Blaine’s face. Maybe he’d fallen out of love with him….

He reached for Blaine’s chin and almost forced him to tip it upwards so they could look at each other…..and even then Blaine wouldn’t open his eyes. “Blaine, please look at me….please. I love you….I want to…..you do still love me, don’t you?” Just 10 minutes ago Blaine had said how much he loved him, but maybe he’d just been trying to convince himself, Kurt’s insecurities hissed…..

“Of course I still love you….how could you even think….what’s wrong with me, Kurt?! I’m only 15…this doesn’t happen to teenagers…does it?”

Kurt cradled that face he adored in his hands, kissing his eyelids, “Please look at me, Blaine….I don’t know a whole lot about this, but chances are it’s just the stress of this day catching up with you.”

Blaine sighed in frustration, “But what if it’s something else? What if I’m sick or something? God, this is so embarrassing. All I wanted to do is come over here and forget all about the other stuff. I mean, I was so relieved at first, almost happy….and I felt guilty about that. I mean what kind of person is happy when their parents are getting a divorce? That’s about as self-centered as a person can get! Kurt, I’m so sorry….and just because I can’t…that doesn’t mean….”

“Blaine,” Kurt tried to be light-hearted, “don’t think….no….Look, I love you, and of course I love…all of this,” he waved his hand as if encompassing their whole bodies, disheveled clothes and all, “but that’s not all I love about us. Remember in the beginning when we were moving so slowly? I loved you then, even if I hadn’t said it. And I only love you more now! If it’ll make you feel any better, we can Google it on my phone…and I’m pretty sure we’re going to discover that teenagers don’t get a pass on stuff like this. Come on, I’ll grab some Cokes and stuff or we can go watch TV or something.” “I won’t be able to concentrate on a movie…..let’s do like you said, Google it.” Blaine gave him a grateful look as they began straightening their clothes.

Laine sat in the dark, the generic hotel room just a place to stay until he could get his life in Lima together. He’d already looked into some apartments or maybe even a condo, but his mind wasn’t really on living arrangements. Somehow, he expected to feel different than before…and in a way he did, but not like….this. He expected to feel relief, maybe even happy that the pretense was over, and he guessed he did feel some of that. Relief anyway, but he felt more hollow than happy. He wasn’t much different from other people. All he’d ever wanted was the successful career he had and a happy family life. Normal and successful, was that too much to ask? He wondered what it would be like to live in a world where he was considered normal. Sure, things had improved when it came to people like him, but they hadn’t improved anywhere near the point where he would be considered normal. And then there were all of these confusing prefixes and words to describe him sexually. Was it really so important to the world or anyone for that matter who he slept with? Now there was a question filled with irony! Just a couple of months ago he’d attacked Blaine over this supposedly unimportant matter! No, it wasn’t important necessarily, it was just good gossip material, something to talk about to avoid talking about your own problems or aberrations or sins if you wanted to call it that.

He knew, or at least hoped, that soon he would rise above the guilt. So much pain just because he couldn’t be his true self. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d daydreamed about what his life would have been like if he hadn’t felt the need to conform. And as much as he loved his career, he’d even allowed that to be chosen for him. There were so many things he’d wanted to say to Barb that would make the pain go away, but of course there weren’t enough words in the universe to change what he’d done. He could feel the tears and fought them just like he fought every other honest emotional expression and then he gave in, promising himself that this would be the last time. No, even now, he couldn’t be his true self in public. Why destroy the rest of what was left of his life? But the only person he’d be hurting now was himself or so he believed. He took a sip of the now watery scotch and let the tears fall.

Why are you lying here in the dark? Barb asked herself. Just like Blaine she found comfort and peace in her bedroom. She was laying in the dark because her mind couldn’t focus on anything….not yet. She’d put the book aside ages ago, finally shut the TV off when she realized an old western was just background noise for her thoughts. Even surfing the Internet wasn’t distraction enough.

Shutting off the light, she laid there in the quiet, giving in to absorbing all that had transpired this past week and this day. She could still hear Laine’s apologies. Laine didn’t apologize…ever. And after the initial shock of his revelation, which she’d already known about, had worn off? They’d sat in that cold office of his in silence. He looked exhausted, completely undone, and….afraid? Well, of course he was afraid! What if she didn’t accept his terms? What if she decided she and Blaine were better off making it on their own? What if out of pain and anger she’d lash out by not continuing to keep his secret? And there was a part of her that loved those last two scenarios soooo much, but Barb was a practical woman. She could always get a job even if he continued to support them and Blaine deserved a decent education. Her revenge, if you wanted to call it that, was keeping Laine tied to them, not being able to simply walk away! Of course, he didn’t have to spend time with them, but he would be forced to live with Blaine’s decisions for his future whether he liked it or not. And sure there was some risk to that…and in truth she’d just as soon walk away from him without a second thought, but this wasn’t just about her.

And there had been moments during that final week when she had raked him over the coals! Seeing him as vulnerable and not wanting to fight back, seeing him unable to hide his own pain for the first time made her feel avenged. But now, it was all done.

She told herself she should be celebrating. She could finally live an authentic life on her terms. No more hidden tensions or make-believe. No more hatred whenever he was home.

But, now she was the only one keeping a possibly destructive secret. Oh, Barb! Be honest, there’s no possibly to it. If Laine ever found out, it could ruin Blaine’s future, and not just financially. Because if Laine knew and withdrew his support, Blaine would want to know why. Laine might be many things, but he was above causing yet more pain at least for Blaine….or so she hoped. She couldn’t believe it when he kept repeating that he truly loved Blaine and that’s why he’d remained so distant…he didn’t want Blaine to find out what he really was. She supposed in a sort of twisted way that was love….what an ungodly mess! No! Now was not the time to deal with more what ifs. And she had no more tears left for Laine, none. If she was going to cry let it be for her and Blaine…all those years….and then let it go, move on, become who she wanted to. She didn’t know what that was yet, but it didn’t matter.

She reached for the wine goblet on the bedside table, raised it to the ceiling and said a silent Cheers to the universe, following it with the phrase she’d thought so many times, “Ding dong! The witch is dead!”

They were seated on a lightweight blue blanket in the Hummel’s back yard. The shade provided by a huge oak tree protected Kurt’s sensitive skin. The soft, sweet-smelling breeze rustled the leaves above as they enjoyed the warmth and the scents of spring. The excitement of sectionals lay ahead, only a few short weeks away. The secret set lists, each group’s well-practiced dance routines? Much as they wanted to compare notes, they couldn’t and wouldn’t. It would be the equivalent of competition suicide…and possibly homicide….if it was ever discovered whose slip of the tongue had provided an advantage for another show choir in the competition. But that didn’t stop them from singing! In a sense, their love of music had been what brought them together. Glee Club and the Warblers had provided the backdrop. He and Finn’s obvious need for dance lessons had initially created a reason (like they needed one?) for them to continue to get together. As they harmonized with the gentle wind, Burt smiled to himself as he silently prepared the grill on the patio. His father’s heart couldn’t help but grasp the joy he felt! He’d scanned his memory over the 16 years of Kurt’s life and honestly couldn’t remember a time when Kurt seemed so content. If Blaine Anderson was the source of Kurt’s newfound happiness that was fine with him.

Kurt reached across the blanket for Blaine’s hand as they finished the final chorus of We Are the Champions. What he really wanted to do was to shove him to the blanket and tackle his prone body with a million kisses, but….not with his dad right there on the patio. He may be close to his dad and he may share almost everything with him, but he didn’t want to embarrass any of them with his idea of PDA gone awry. Besides, the porch, or as he and Blaine had playfully dubbed it, the make out hangout, wasn’t going anywhere…and Finn had used it last night, so according to the terms of their unwritten tradeoff, tonight was for him and Blaine. It still started getting dark around 6:30 and Burt planned to grill steaks on the patio. It was his specialty and his forte when it came to cooking. They didn’t want to miss that!

If this week had been a play with him in the starring role, Blaine would have collapsed from exhaustion. What a week! Sebastian had been in stalker mode, seemingly lurking behind every corner in Blaine’s routine path around Dalton. Fed up, he’d finally just told him to take a hike. Well, not like that of course. He basically told him he was a nice guy but he wasn’t interested in anything else. It wouldn’t really have helped to tell him that he found him sneaky and arrogant most of the time. Clearly trying to save face, Sebastian had shrugged a shoulder and said, “That’s good actually. I’ve been seeing someone from Van Wert…I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors.” And yes, Blaine had heard them, but suspiciously thought that Sebastian had probably made them up himself! Why else was he still setting his sights on Blaine? He tried not to think too hard about it; Sebastian wasn’t a goal he’d ever choose for himself.

By this time, Blaine had made friends with other guys who were brave enough to ask him about his sexual orientation making it easier for them to talk about theirs. A couple had initially approached him because he and Kurt were on the Dalton grapevine alert, which came as no surprise to Blaine. A few were a year older or younger than he was, but that didn’t matter. They were all just grateful that they’d found another in their not always so secret minority to commiserate with. At Dalton, for the most part, the live and let live policy seemed to work well.

There were rarely the problems that Kurt faced at McKinley, but as yet no one had confronted him about Blaine. Ever since Finn had taken on the role of big brother, his life had become a bit easier. And now he had the kids in Glee Club, too. He still walked among the snide remarks, the sideways glances, the whispers and laughter, but Finn made it his business to put the bullies in their place (usually in the dumpster where Kurt had once lived on almost a daily basis).

And then there’d been the uneasy conversation he’d had with his mom. His first choice of a confidant would have been one of his burgeoning group of relatively new friends, but that was part of the problem, they were too new. Preferably, someone who was in or at least had been in a relationship, but he just wasn’t that comfortable with any of them yet. Finn had been on his short list for awhile, and he trusted him…but what if he unintentionally let something slip to Kurt? He’d even considered Burt, but he didn’t think that would be fair. What if Kurt approached him with a similar question? Sure, he could give them both the same advice, but it would leave him stuck in the middle…and although he couldn’t imagine Burt being upset, he thought if he were Kurt’s dad, he might be overly concerned. He’d laughed when the fleeting thought of bringing this to his own father crossed his mind. He hadn’t even given it the chance to take root; all it would bear was poisonous fruit. It would be awkward…even embarrassing…and he dreaded that part, but who else was there? He tried putting a brave face on it. Lately, he’d actually welcomed chats with his mom. True, she almost always initiated their tete-a-tetes, but her interest in Blaine was genuine. And after basically living as strangers for so many years, it didn’t always feel like he was talking to his mother. More and more she was becoming….how did he say this? Like a counselor? An advisor? What did it matter? He needed something more than the convoluted and contradictory explanations he found on Google.

That sigh of relief! The moment his dad closed the door behind him, suitcase in hand – it was like the entire house itself dispensed with the apprehension Laine’s presence created. The sense of heaviness dissipated and the two of them could quit pretending the floors were covered in eggshells. This 4-day trip would provide him with lots of time to talk with his mother. And that was another thing! Blaine no longer felt as if he were talking “at” her.

It seemed ridiculous that they felt they needed to waste their time concerning themselves with Laine’s presence. He spent most of his time freezing them out anyway! But it was always tense when he was around and Blaine didn’t want to have that hanging over him when he was talking with his mom about something this important. In a way, it seemed ironic that he would be approaching her with these complicated questions. It was obvious she no longer lived with someone who evoked this kind of emotion in her and maybe she never had, but he hated to think that she’d never known what love felt like.

“Let’s go out, Blaine!” Barb felt almost lighthearted now that he was gone. “Ellen recommended a restaurant I’d like to try,” she said, “I haven’t gone out to dinner in ages and those civic dinners with their cookie-cutter menus do not count!” She almost said something like, “Ding dong the witch is dead! We have something to celebrate!” but of course she didn’t.

Old City Prime was an upscale old-style steakhouse where what used to be called “surf and turf” was their specialty. Fresh seafood flown in daily, mouthwatering steaks. In short, not where you would likely take your vegetarian friends. Before they even took a seat at their table, they knew seafood would be their choice. Fresh seafood in Lima was akin to finding pearls in the Mississippi River. As part of her “businessman’s wife in training” she’d learned long ago how to keep a conversation moving. Of course, conversing with your teenage son was hardly the same as holding the interest of the person sitting next to you at a Kiwanis dinner…..but….she supplied the small talk to fill the lulls until the dishes bearing their favorite seafood arrived.

They each took a bite confirming that Ellen’s recommendation was warranted. Making an effort to take the wary look from Blaine’s face and put him at ease she said, “Thanks for providing an excuse for us to eat out, Blaine. What’s on your mind? It’s usually me asking the questions, so this is kind of a welcome surprise!” Blaine smiled, even though he was nervous. “Mom…I feel sort of weird asking you this, but….well,” he sighed. Barb waited, allowing him all the time he needed. “How do you know if you love someone?” Even with all the background noise in the restaurant, it still felt like all the sound and air had been sucked out of the room. Barb sipped some of her ice-cold water, hoping to buy a little time. Considering what he’d seen of marriage, she was shocked he’d come to her with this question…but then who else was he going to ask? She assumed he meant in a romantic sense, so obviously he couldn’t ask his boyfriend. Giving him a thoughtful look, she smiled at him over the top of her reading glasses she’d forgotten to remove. “I assume we’re talking about Kurt, but….” “Yeah, I mean I know I’m in love with him, but from all I’ve read, apparently there’s a difference.” Kids were so different these days from when she was growing up, but generational changes were normal, that was the way it was supposed to be. Back when she was a teen no one gave a second thought to such nuances. If there was a distinction between being “in love” and “love,” no one she knew ever talked about it.

Taking another forkful of scallops, she considered what to say. “When I was your age, and yes there really was a time when I was your age, I fell in love with a boy named James. First love is so exciting! It only lasted a few months. Along with being my first love, he was also my first heartbreak. The heartbreak felt almost like the beginning when we were in love….I couldn’t eat or sleep for about a week. Blaine, I’ll be honest, first love rarely lasts. Who knows why….but you’re right, being in love and loving someone is different. I’m not sure I can even explain it. Sometimes the being in love part goes hand in hand with truly loving someone. But it almost always changes like everything in life. Truly loving someone takes work. Ideally, love is wanting what’s best for the other, but….well, life and people aren’t perfect. And you certainly haven’t had the best example of what love looks like, I know. Respect is a must. I’m not answering your question very well….Love isn’t just a feeling….it’s something you’d stake your life on, I guess….””Mom….” How do you ask your mother a question like this? Leap into the deep end of the pool feet first?, “Did you….did you love Dad when you got married?” Surprisingly, Barbara seemed to relax into this question. “I loved him so much! I’d known him for a few years and we seemed to have so much in common. When he finally seemed to really notice me? I can’t even tell you how it made me feel..I thought he was the man of my dreams…..” coming back from the past, she realized she’d almost said, “and now he’s my worst nightmare.” “But enough of that, you’re asking me what it feels like to love Kurt, right?” “Yeah…I mean I think I love him….he’s well he’s….everything, Mom. I can’t picture life without him now.” He ignored what she’d said about first love rarely lasting. And he was positive if they ever broke up, he’d never eat or sleep again. A week would be nothing! They’d be one of the exceptions he was sure. So did that mean he loved Kurt?

Barb sat up a little straighter in her chair, capturing Blaine’s hazel-eyed gaze, “Do you believe Kurt loves you? I’m assuming he hasn’t told you that since you’re asking me what love looks like. Blaine, I’m only going on what I’ve seen and you’ve told me since you met him. You’ve been together for what?….around 6 months? This is just an opinion, but deep down you know if you love him and if you do, you should tell him. A guess here, but he’s probably wondering the same thing about you, but doesn’t know how or when to say it. Telling him is a risk. It makes you vulnerable, but….all that being in love and loving someone entails? That doesn’t happen every day. Some people never know what it feels like…and if you’re going to love someone you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.”

Taking their time finishing their meal, they reverted to small talk, Blaine’s mind never far from the topic of discussion earlier. She was right; he did know that he loved Kurt….and he believed Kurt loved him. After all, what was all of their “me tooing” really saying? It had become a substitute for the words that would…..make them….vulnerable. It was time, past time really. And what lay beyond vocalizing the truth? That was for the future to decide.

Slowly and gingerly, Barb lay down on the bed, reaching for the bottle of extra-strength ibuprofen she always kept close at hand. Years of struggling with migraines had taught her the intricacies of dealing with them. After swallowing three gel caps with water, she quickly turned off the bedside lamp. The comforting midnight of the darkened room enveloped her. She’d give it 20 minutes. If the headache didn’t subside, she’d try the new prescription she’d been given, hoping that it lived up to the hype surrounding it.

Soooo many secrets….Blaine was only 15, why burst his bubble? Heartbreak was just part of living and as the song said…..our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” She didn’t want her son to miss the dance. It wasn’t like he was asking her about marrying someone. This was his first love, not his whole future.

But she’d really had to work at not letting the bitterness of what “love” had done to her to infect their conversation. Her heavy heart’s familiarity with this hellish purgatory wanted to scream something like, “Run, Blaine! You don’t need what might come later so it’s best to avoid it all together!” Of course she knew not all relationships and marriages ended up like theirs. But you pretty much had a 50/50 chance of divorcing the person you married. She knew it sounded hard-hearted, but in her mind people were in love with the idea of marriage, having a satisfying, loving relationship with a lifelong partner. They always wanted to believe that somehow theirs would be the one that would survive; that they wouldn’t end up with a relationship that sucked your life and identity right out of you; one that you stayed in more for practical reasons than any sort of love.

She’d become an expert at not examining the past. She tiptoed around it. But occasionally, like tonight, it had come crashing into her here and now like a meteor slamming into Earth. Laine may have his secret life, but Barb had her own securely locked closet containing a solitary skeleton – and for whatever reason, Blaine’s questions had left a meteoric pit, shattering her perceived security. Perhaps it was because she’d spent so many years avoiding Blaine. God! The irony of that! And now, in letting him in, she couldn’t keep the secret buried in that damn closet where she hid everything else from herself.

Her large family, with her as the oldest, almost guaranteed that she’d either grow up with a highly developed motherhood gene or the desire to live the rest of her life in a relationship built for only two. She had never considered the latter option, not even for a second. The picket-fenced yard in her imagination always contained two children. Gender didn’t matter. And, of course, she and Laine had talked about it before getting married. He hadn’t been as enthusiastic about the idea as she was, but he wasn’t against the idea either. He just seemed sort of…. lukewarm, not disinterested, just…..half-hearted? Indecisive? Whatever, Barb had taken that as a maybe that she could turn into a yes….maybe coaxing him into removing the “in” from indecisive? Didn’t every man want a boy to carry on his name? Well, of course there was no guarantee they’d have a boy, but like lots of women she thought that once the baby arrived he’d fall madly in love with him or her. As if! She should have had the word “naive” tattooed across her chest!

Biding her time, she’d waited until about five years into their marriage. And by that time, she thought she knew about all of his infidelities, indiscretions (but apparently not yet about the biggest betrayal of all), all of those wishy-washy words her circle used for other more common cliches like sleeping around, having a fling, cheating, having an affair. And stupidly, she’d really thought a child would change that? He was gone more often than not and when he was home, he paid little attention to her except for in the bedroom….yet she’d convinced herself that a child would captivate him? Had she even once considered what that child’s life would be like with a father like Laine? No, she’d kept her blinders on and selfishly decided that even if Laine didn’t come around at least her child would have her. And hadn’t that worked out well, Barb?

She’d spent half the day picking up the phone receiver (cell phones weren’t yet the norm), starting to punch in the long-memorized number and then quickly hanging up. She walked by the phone for what seemed like the hundredth time, this time on the way to the kitchen….finally, she turned her mind into a blank slate, made the call and clung to the receiver until a disembodied voice politely asked her if she’d like to make an appointment. Done, she quickly set the receiver down, actually hopping up and down in her excitement. She’d have to wait a month, but she’d waited this long.

As she opened the door to the welcome cool of air conditioning, she glanced around the room, then registered at the desk. The first thing she noticed was that all eyes were studiously reading something, or appeared to be, and if not, that all eyes were glued to their laps or the floor. If someone had actually dropped a pin, it would have been deafening. Occasionally, she’d sense a pair of eyes on her and she’d look up, only to see the sneak peek quickly disappear into whatever was so interesting below. But she knew they were all wondering the same thing – why is she here?

After all the tests results had returned, she made her second visit to the clinic. This time she wasn’t so self-conscious. Today’s appointment would be fun compared to the past physical exam and blood draws. Sitting down in front of the computer screen, the doctor had explained the process and left an assistant to guide her. Taking a deep breath, she opened the program. Somewhere on this site, with just a few keystrokes, she would find the man, identifiable by only a number, who would enable her to become a mother. The photos, the essays…..all part of choosing her son’s future attributes. It was amazing! Despite her disdain for her husband (she could barely stand to look at him anymore), her child had to look like Laine in as much as she could arrange that. It was necessary that Laine not question the paternity. And she’d chosen to have a boy because if she had a girl, Laine might then decide he wanted a boy; maybe his lukewarm attitude would change. She’d already made up her mind that she wasn’t doing this more than once.

As she scrolled through the photos on the screen, stopping to further inspect and read about those she found interesting, her heart started to beat a little faster. If all went well, before the year was over she’d have someone who loved her unconditionally, who needed and wanted her. Someone of her own to love.

And that was one of many reasons she’d chosen IVF over having her own affair. She didn’t want to entangle herself with yet another man, one she might end up having feelings for or one who might actually want to have a child, meaning he might want future contact. It was all too messy.

Fortunately, this was before she and Laine had ceased to share a bed for anything other than sleeping, so when she told him she was pregnant there was no reason for him to think the baby she was carrying wasn’t his. Those 9 months had been some of the happiest of her life. In fact, until Blaine started school she’d showered him with all the attention and love she possessed. She’d loved taking him to school functions, meeting other mothers. Even though there were frequent moves.

And then there was the day she came home to a postcard and then another and another. Her heart had shriveled leaving no room for Laine….not ever again. But in the process she’d closed her heart completely, the idea of rejection building its wall, separating her from Blaine.

Blaine loved spending time at Kurt’s house and not just with Kurt. His family was so much fun! So real! Their home so lived in! Burt and Carole had invited his parents over more than once through Blaine, but Blaine hadn’t delivered the messages yet. His dad was rarely home and he was still getting to know his mom. He didn’t know if she’d feel comfortable in this environment. Maybe someday.

It was early spring and the evenings still had that in-between-seasons chill. Blaine had offered to help Kurt build the fire, but he’d declared it a one-man job, so he’d seated himself on the couch, by now so familiar he swore it actually hugged his contours. As he observed Kurt performing the task that had become routine to him, his mind repeated his mom’s words, what he now considered her sound advice. Out of the entire conversation, his memory had latched onto “you know deep down if you love him or not and if you do you should tell him.”

Buried under all his doubts and uncertainty, all the what ifs, had been the uncomplicated answer. And now, unable to withhold the words that expressed all that he felt for Kurt….it had to be said tonight. Even if Kurt didn’t reply with an impassioned I love you too, even if Kurt wasn’t ready to say it, even if Kurt didn’t feel the same way, he couldn’t keep it inside anymore. It wasn’t like he didn’t know Kurt was in love with him. He’d told him many times. So what if he wasn’t quite where Blaine was? Blaine didn’t have an answer to that question. All he knew was that he loved Kurt and he needed three words instead of two to say it; “me too” wasn’t cutting it for him anymore.

Sebastian had been one of the main topics of their daily texts, but Kurt wanted a detailed description. Blaine had told him that with all of his complaints about the McKinley grapevine, he might want to consider naming a branch after himself. As they nestled into their favorite corner of the couch, Kurt’s arms draped over Blaine’s chest, he described his obvious sneaking around, “Good thing, stalking isn’t a profession!” Blaine laughed, “He’d be out of a job the first day! And I don’t think he was even that upset! After all these months of his flirting and pursuit, I felt a little disappointed! Here I thought I was something special to him. Turns out he’s seeing some guy in Van Wert. Well, supposedly. I think he made that rumor up himself. But either way, someone else can have him as long as it’s not me.”

Kurt smiled, kissing Blaine’s curls, “Well, that just leaves more room for me to tell you how special you are to me, doesn’t it?” Blaine squeezed one of Kurt’s hands, burrowing a little deeper into his embrace, as if there was any more room for that. “How are things going at home?” “The same. When he’s home, my dad only acknowledges my existence at the dinner table or if we actually run into each other and he gives me a polite, “Hi” or something like that. But at least I’ve got my mom, so I’ll take that tradeoff any day.”

“So, when do I get to meet your mom? I know she’s asked because you told me. It doesn’t have to be at your house and, honestly, I don’t want to meet your dad. I have a feeling that would just stir a pot that doesn’t need stirring.”

Blaine wasn’t ready to answer that question. It left him feeling unsettled, although he wasn’t sure why. She seemed eager for an introduction to Kurt. But… he barely knew her himself. After so many years of neglect, he supposed she still needed to gain his trust. “Give me some more time, Kurt. I’m not really ready for that yet. She’s only known about you for a month or so. And….I’m not sure….well, I barely know her, ya know? Don’t worry, we’ll get around to it.”

Kurt let the door to that subject close. He knew all about trust issues. “So I get to be your secret lover for a while longer? Hmmm….I kinda like that idea….maybe even more than meeting your mom,” Kurt chuckled. Blaine playfully tossed a pillow at him, “Yes, I’m going to keep you hidden away in my own private dungeon only letting you out when I want to play!” Kurt caught the pillow, jokingly beating him with it, “And what if I don’t feel like playing? What if I don’t want to be your toy?” And the silly conversation and bouncy pillow flew from there, back and forth, until Blaine was sitting against the back of the couch and Kurt was laying on the floor out of breath and laughing.

Kurt pulled him down to the floor, ruffling his messy curls, and looking into his eyes said, “Blaine Anderson, I’ll be your plaything any time you want me…if you’ll just release me from your dungeon…..now would be nice actually…” Kurt took Blaine’s feverish face into his hands, kissing his waiting lips as if he was a hummingbird sipping nectar, then sliding his hands and arms around his neck. He lazily caressed Blaine’s face and neck with his kisses, his lips finally arriving back where they’d started. Would the sparks every stop flying between them, he wondered? As much as he loved the feel of Kurt’s mouth traversing his skin, it only served to increase his desire for Kurt’s mouth on his….and as soon as their lips touched again, Blaine’s need for Kurt exploded.

Taking control, he pried Kurt’s lips apart with his tongue. So many sensitive and sensual places to rediscover….Kurt loved it when Blaine ran the tip of his tongue over the underside of Kurt’s. Or when he’d seek out his upper or lower lip, lightly biting while slipping his tongue underneath. He savored every moan….every sigh….Kurt’s and his….With their shirts carelessly flung aside, they hungrily devoured each other’s skin with their restless hands and venturous lips, the longing to take it one step further defying their common sense. With great effort, Kurt unwillingly but gently pushed Blaine away, making eye contact, their eyes saying everything their voices had held back for what seemed like years. “Blaine….I….I want to, but not here….not with everybody….you know…and besides..” Blaine nodded, biting his lower lip, brushing Kurt’s cheek with the back of his hand. Blaine knew exactly what the “and besides” meant. He was waiting, just as Blaine had been waiting for the right time, for the certainty that what they would say was true.

As he continued to brush the back of his hand tenderly back and forth across Kurt’s soft cheek, he leaned in again, quietly kissing his inviting lips, then the tip of his turned-up nose, sweetly brushing Kurt’s eyelashes with his lips, and then his fingertips. “Kurt,” he barely whispered, having to clear his throat. His mouth was so dry. “Um….I’ve been waiting to….because I didn’t know….I’ve never been….Kurt,” Those shape-shifting eyes were urging him on, “I’m….well, I’m in love with you….so very much in love with you…and you know…that…but Kurt?…It’s more than that….so much….,” he took a breath and sighed, so frustrated with his fumbling declaration, nothing like the way he’d practiced a million times, “I love you….I’ve….never felt this way about anyone…you’re always on my mind….I love you…Ku….,”

Blaine’s rambling was muffled by Kurt’s mouth on his in a way that felt different….more tender?…..more demanding?….all he knew was that it was unlike any other kiss they’d ever shared. The only sound in the room was their breathing…their longing that required no words, a language unto itself…and then Kurt pulled away again, his translucent eyes smiling into Blaine’s, “I don’t know what to say….um…oh no! I don’t mean it like that! I mean….well this wasn’t really fair….but I….I was waiting for you to say it first…I was afraid that….maybe you weren’t there yet…or needed more time….or maybe….,” Blaine interrupted him, “Or maybe I didn’t feel the same way?” “Yeah…I mean…,” Kurt as frustrated as Blaine had been with what seemed like the uselessness of voicing his feelings. Giving up, he drew Blaine closer, murmuring against his ear, “I love you, too….I love you….too, Blaine.”

Time ceased to have meaning as they laid in each other’s arms, clinging to these moments that neither would ever be able to describe in words. Just when they thought their hearts couldn’t contain any more of anything for each other….the love contained there nudged “me too” aside to make space for “I love you.”

Laine opened his private laptop and clicked on the password-protected folder he’d labeled, “What if.” It was his own personal laundry list of possibilities for the future if he were to reveal his true self…at least to his wife. His analytical mind examining each potential roadblock, he’d determined that he didn’t have to reveal his secrets to anyone but Barb. After all, with her newfound love for Blaine, her main concern would be protecting him. He’d found it odd that Blaine’s coming out as gay would strengthen the same tenuous relationship Barb had appeared to have with their son, but he’d learned long ago not to examine his feelings too closely, even after blathering on to well-paid counselors for years. Thankfully, there would be no more of that.

And honestly, could she hate him any more than she already did? Financial support for both she and Blaine was a given. And? If she threatened to reveal the truth, he’d return her threat with losing financial support. He knew she could make her own way in the world, but again, Blaine would be her main concern. He’d turned the future over in his mind, examining it like a Rubik’s cube…..she might threaten to open Pandora’s box after his duty to Blaine was complete, but that was at least 6 or 7 years away, and by then she might have grown to love her life of guaranteed financial security. In some ways, it was the least he could do, a consolation prize for all the years she’d lived her lonely life without his love. There might be a fly in the ointment if she pursued a romantic relationship at some point, but….he’d deal with that in the if-and-when future. The private investigators he’d hired over the years had all assured him that Barb had no outside love interests. Rubbing the back of his neck, he thought, she’s probably sworn off “love” altogether after being married to me.

Although she probably thought he’d never noticed, he’d watched her love slowly die, her expressive eyes taking on a look of disdain. It had been evident to him, if not to Blaine, the night he’d dropped the live grenade of his sexual orientation into their seemingly empty lives. His explosive, knee-jerk reaction left no doubt that that look was well-deserved. Her revealing his hidden life to Blaine now would serve no purpose that he was aware of. If she ever told him, he was sure it would be after college was done and he was spreading his wings. But then…Blaine couldn’t hate him much more either. And since Blaine was 15, he’d leave it up to him if he wanted visitation. It seemed rather late to build any relationship with him now and he was sure Blaine would feel the same way.

Living like this just wasn’t an option anymore. He wasn’t in love with anyone, male or female. It had taken him years to admit this “aberration” as he thought of it to himself. His heart was so withered from the tight wrapping it had been bound in for so long, the way things were right now was just fine with him. Another body in his bed was all he needed. He’d developed some friendships with the men in his life. Actually, as he’d gotten older he’d started avoiding women. He didn’t really need them and there had been too many close calls in the past. Not that men couldn’t present similar problems, but in general they were more pragmatic.

When he returned to Lima this weekend, he’d tell her. He didn’t think of their house as a home any more than he saw Lima as the place he lived; it was like every other anonymous hotel room he’d occupied. A place to drop his bags until the next trip. He did feel badly about doing this after their recent move. Blaine and Barb had been settled in Appleton and he’d uprooted them once again…and now only to reveal he wanted a divorce. Yes, it was unfair, but he couldn’t help that, he couldn’t change it. Time to tuck it all away in his Documents and take a shower. He had a date for drinks in about an hour. He was looking forward to it and it would take his mind off of his problem-fraught life.

The porch didn’t feel like the porch anymore. How do you define the boundaries of your world after the words “I love you” are released into it for the first time. Not just an I love you from a parent, a relative, a friend. The “I love you” that seemed to be the topic of a million books and conversations, fables…if truth be told the only “I love you” that could change your entire life in a matter of seconds. They’d cuddled up on the thick furry rug in front of the stove. The flicker of the fire danced in their eyes as they enjoyed the brand-new intensity their touches and kisses was inventing. Neither were ready for “all the way,” but that didn’t stop them from wanting to move on to what had once been forbidden territory. With this newfound closeness, they were unable…and even unwilling …to avoid the temptation any longer. It had been held in check since their first kiss….Kurt’s lips on his, Blaine’s hand hovering along the waistband of his jeans, Kurt didn’t stop him when his shaky fingers traced the outline of his hard cock. Blaine had spent many a night trying to imagine what touching Kurt so intimately would feel like. His first thought had been decidedly unromantic….something like…if you have your pants and underwear on, how good could it feel? He’d tried it on himself and it was….well…okay, but he was sure he’d never be able to come that way. Yet, his tentative touch was eliciting all manner of responses from Kurt. Kurt’s hips involuntarily began to move against Blaine’s exploring fingers….Kurt drawing him closer into the kiss. The vibration of Kurt’s moans against his mouth was driving him crazy.

As they lay facing each other, the kissing…the touching….all eliciting quiet moans and heavy breathing, Blaine rolled Kurt onto his back, needing to stop for a moment and wanting to look into Kurt’s eyes again, “Kurt….I meant it when I told you I loved you….I know this sounds kinda corny…but you’re all I ever want, ever….” and with that he kissed Kurt again, moving his fingers over the slide of his zipper, cautiously and clumsily pulling it down as if the teeth of the zipper were taking his caution and attempting to return it to stop. Kurt almost reflexively reached for his hand, “Blaine….” he whispered breathlessly. “I’m only trying to make it….more comfortable… I’m not going to….” Kurt hesitantly moved his hand away and allowed Blaine to outline his hardness again and then down over his balls, the release of the zipper making it much easier to relax.

As Blaine’s lips tiptoed away from Kurt’s, he turned his attention to one of Kurt’s nipples simultaneously caressing his package, increasing the pressure as Kurt responded, moving against his hand, the part of his brain that still operated hoping that no one would knock, wanting to walk through the porch…yet, curiously, the idea of that happening made what they were doing seem even hotter. He hadn’t planned this, but Blaine’s declaration of love had left him totally undone. Ohmigod….Blaine working his magic with his mouth and tongue slowly circling his left nipple, his probing hands and fingers….these raw sensations…. He laid his hand over Blaine’s, tutoring….even that was hot!….Blaine’s hand under his own….like guiding the planchette on a Ouija board to yes. “Ohmigod Blaine….” he whispered…pleading in unintelligible words….no! had he heard a knock? His body tensed for a second….but only for a second as he realized that Blaine’s ministrations hadn’t changed. Relaxing into the rhythm of their lovemaking once more, he allowed Blaine to take control….knowing that he was mere moments away from coming…not caring about the messiness of it. This was Blaine’s hand….not his….tonight, the bottle of baby oil would remain hidden behind shoes in the closet….or maybe it wouldn’t, his imagination reliving these moments, overriding his need for sleep. Despite the barrier of clothing, Blaine’s hand was producing sensations even his imagination hadn’t seemed aware of. Instinctively, he gripped their hands tighter….the steady rise and fall….wanting to hold on, but needing to let go, Kurt came….his hand still covering Blaine’s.

“Kurt….are you okay?” Blaine’s voice arose into the quiet. Kurt smiled to himself and pulled Blaine up to lay beside him. “I’m fine, Blaine….perfect.” Blaine relaxed into Kurt’s shoulder while Kurt recovered. Not that he really wanted to recover….unless recovery meant staying exactly where he was for the rest of his life. He buried his face in Blaine’s hair, contentedly catching his scent, “It feels like I’ve loved you forever,” he murmured.

He gently pushed Blaine onto his back. All he had to do was take one glance into his eyes to see the desire that still lurked there. He half-smiled, hovering over Blaine’s body, his knees sinking into the depths of the cozy rug. He’d carried this idea around with him waiting for the day when it could cease to be part of his fantasy world, instead becoming the reality he now envisioned. Had he read it somewhere online? in a book? It didn’t matter.

“I’ve wanted to do this since the minute I laid eyes on you,” He leaned down, kissing Blaine as he murmured against his lips, “I love you…I’ll always love you…” Blaine’s heart was beating so fast at Kurt’s words, all he could manage to say was, “Do what?” Kurt gave him a devilish grin, “This babe….” Blaine closed his eyes as he felt the touch of Kurt’s tongue on his chin. His concentration divided between Kurt’s ability to drive him crazy with the brush of tongue on skin and his aching prick, he tried to relax and enjoy the slow slide of that tongue stroking his torso…..until it met the resistance of the waistband of his jeans. Moving, so that he was now at Blaine’s side, he played his tongue along the interference of the waistband, delighting in Blaine’s gasp. Releasing the solitary button, he slipped a finger between yet another waistband and bare skin…his tongue following the finger. Slowly….back and forth…finger and tongue….finger and tongue….while Blaine’s fingers were jailed in Kurt’s hair.

The bothersome zipper finally undone, he nervously placed a hand over Blaine’s obvious hard-on…..who knew it would feel like he’d touched a live wire? Exploring, just had Blaine had done earlier, he continued to use his tongue, having slid the waistband down very slightly. Blaine’s fingers still enmeshed in his hair…..his moans begged for release. “Now Kurt please…..now…” he barely whimpered, gripping Kurt’s hair tightly as he came. Laying his head on Blaine’s pelvis, he felt the slow relaxation of his body….the body of this person who had turned his world upside down.

“I love you so much,” Kurt murmured, almost like he was talking to himself. His head still resting on Blaine’s lap, he reached for one of the now relaxed hands that had gripped his hair so tightly. They’d crossed a line tonight. And both could sense it as the fire crackled in the quiet. But surprisingly, Kurt the Cautious, the worrier, the one who was always one step ahead of his decisions, was at peace. But what about Blaine? He was so quiet. He hadn’t uttered a word yet.

“Blaine?” Kurt ventured. “Hmmmm?” “Are you okay…I mean with….this…with us?” Blaine sighed contentedly, “Okay doesn’t begin to describe it,” he said squeezing Kurt’s hand. “But I am a little, um, a little damp? Should I start carrying a spare pair of underwear with me?” If there had ever been any tension, it was now fully broken. Kurt started laughing, getting up from the floor and climbing up the side of Blaine’s body. “Yes, I think that would be a splendid idea.” And when Blaine, replied “Me too,” they started laughing so hard, Kurt had to delay his intended search for the Kleenex box.

Barbara bookmarked the page and laid the latest novel by Jodi Picoult beside her. Under normal circumstances she would be lying under a comforter, a cup of tea on the nightstand, anticipating the next chapter. But instead she was nervously waiting for her son to arrive. It was only a little after 11, well under his midnight curfew. But she’d been putting this off for a month, winter slowly giving way to spring. She was uncertain about what she wanted to say or ask, but she had to do something. She needed to be prepared. Once Blaine had made his sexual orientation known, she’d made it a point to educate herself about the gay community as a whole, focusing mostly on homosexuality. In truth, she should have taken her blinders off years ago, God knew she had every reason to have done so, but the combination of fear and loneliness and at times even hatred had stopped her.

She could never regain the 15 years of her son’s life that she had so carelessly tossed into the dumpster of her marital problems and angst. Her counterfeit marriage would remain the lie that it was as long as she stayed with Laine. And there had been many times when she’d seriously considered throwing in the towel and just leaving with Blaine in tow. But she was pretty sure that in order to maintain the happiness Blaine had been exhibiting of late leaving Lima wasn’t an option. If what she suspected was true, she wasn’t going to be the one to extinguish that flash of joy in his eyes and uproot him a fifth time. If necessary, she’d wait out the next three years until he had established his college life. What she’d do once she left Laine, and she was positive that that was her plan….well, that was up in the air. She’d been given some workable ideas and the encouragement to carry them out. And she’d taken several online courses that highlighted her strengths and her interests. She’d have three more years to organize some sort of game plan. If she was good at nothing else, she was good at organizing.

Purposefully tugging her mind back to the present, once again she reminded herself that right now her main concern was Blaine. She was pleased that he’d made friends. He rarely had trouble with that. After four moves in 15 years, he’d become pretty resilient. She was almost thankful that Dalton wasn’t as sports-oriented as the other schools he attended. He really wasn’t into contact sports, other than watching football on TV, but to satisfy Laine he’d participated in them. No, the Warblers were the perfect fit for him. She was glad she’d convinced Laine that dance lessons would be helpful. Although how he felt about that decision now was uncertain. He’d probably stuffed it down there where he kept all the things he didn’t want to deal with in life. How had she not seen his single-minded focus on his work and career before they’d married? Then, she’d considered it ambitious, and her parents were delighted, of course. Move after move had created a distance between she and her family, yet she was actually grateful that they couldn’t see and didn’t know what her marriage had become.

When she heard the front door open, she waited for Blaine to take off his coat and then greeted him from the top of the stairs. There is was again, that gleam in his eyes, the half-smile on his face as if his mind was in some place that only he knew. There was no way even a great group of new friends could create that expression on anyone’s face and she met it with a mixture of joy and apprehension. He didn’t know it, but his heart was visible, the rhythm of it beating on his entire demeanor. “Did you have fun tonight, dear?”

“Oh! Hi, Mom! Yeah….is Dad home?” He looked around cautiously as if he were afraid Laine would appear at any second, just lying in wait to rip any semblance of joy right out of his life. “No, he’s still in New York for a few days.” She understood Blaine’s feeling. When he was home, either you left him alone in his study to work or you tried to avoid any unnecessary contact; what a sad state of affairs. He wasn’t abusive and he rarely spoke to either of them, but still….when he did it was usually to criticize or to ask questions he knew they didn’t want to answer.

As she descended the stairs, she asked, “Do you have some time to talk?” Blaine was getting used to this and at first he’d been on guard, feeling uneasy with this new mom. He’d probably said more to his mother in the time since he’d come out than he had in all the prior years put together. But now, he almost welcomed their chats. She was trying so hard to make up for lost time and he didn’t have the heart to discourage her. She was still trapped in their sham of a marriage, just like he was trapped in a non-relationship with his father.

“Sure, Mom….can I get a Coke first? You want anything?” Blaine returned with the two glasses he’d filled with Coke and ice, setting them on the colorful coasters on the end tables. Settling themselves into the buttery softness of the leather couch, Blaine glanced a his mom thinking about how two months ago this would never have been happening. Like Kurt, coming out to his parents had strengthened at least one relationship, something he’d never expected.

Barbara smiled at him tentatively. “I have a question, Blaine.” He laughed, “Mom, you say that every time we sit down like this. Sure, what is it?” “I don’t know how to say this, but…” she tried to gather the thoughts that had scattered like windblown leaves as soon as she tried to rake them into a solitary thought, “is there someone…special in your life…I mean whose more than just a friend?”

Blaine had thought he was ready for this question, but when it was laid out like that in front of him he could barely think. “Um….you mean like….a um….” “Yes, Blaine, I mean like a boyfriend. There, does that help? I’m not asking because I disapprove. I’m asking because if you do, I want to talk about…it….him…” Okay, what did he say now? She already knew he was gay. Asking him about this was the next logical step, especially considering how he’d been feeling and acting lately. It was hard to hide Kurt Hummel, even though he was as yet nameless to his mom, when you were drowning in love with him. “Why….uhhh….why do you ask?” he managed to croak. As she gently took one of his hands, her green eyes softened, “Blaine, I know this will sound ridiculous, but sometimes when you walk through that door you positively glow. When a person is in love, it’s hard to hide. You want to tell the whole world. But I’m sure you feel in your case you can’t…can you?” “Mom….do we…can’t this wait…” As she shook her head, she said, “No, it can’t.” The look on his face prompted her to say, “You don’t need to look so frightened. I’m so happy for you! And I’m honestly not worried about your father suspecting. He’s not around enough and we both know if he did figure it out, he wouldn’t care about you and your feelings, he’d care about how it affected him.”

“I actually suspected when you told us you were gay. You’ve known that for a very long time, so why bring it up now? Why not wait until you’re in college and away from home? Why not wait until Lima is a part of your past? You pretty much knew what the reaction would be so why bring that down on your head now if you didn’t have to? And your friends, do any of them know? I guess I’m maybe hoping to do some strategic planning if possible. I’m thrilled that your happy, but you…we…we need to think ahead. I don’t plan on telling your father; that’s for you to do if you want to. But we both know what it’ll be like if he does find out, so I’m prepared to help you if I can.”

Blaine let out a long sigh, first raising his eyes to the ceiling and then examining the hand she held, “Mom, what can you do if he finds out? And yeah I do have a…a…um, boyfriend,” he couldn’t help but smile a little when he said it; Kurt wasn’t just a boyfriend…he was..everything! “That’s not for you to worry about, Blaine…his narrow-minded selfishness is not your problem….it’s his and I’ve lived with it far longer than you have, so just let me take care of what might…happen.”

Then her smile turned to an impish grin and just like a friend hoping to share the latest gossip, she leaned towards him and almost whispered, “Who is he? What’s he like? Where did you meet him?” “Mom!” Blaine was blushing, “Stop! His name is Kurt, I met him at the Lima Bean…no we met at Breadsticks….but I first saw him at the Lima Bean. He goes to McKinley.” He took out his phone and showed her the solitary photo he kept of him. He was even nervous about that, so he’d also kept some photos of other “friends” he’d made in Lima, male and female.

She studied the picture like there might be a test. He was very handsome….almost beautiful! “How long have you known him?” she inquired, “And what about his parents, do they….” Blaine shook his head, “About six months I guess.” As if he didn’t know the exact date and time their eyes had met over Cokes while sitting in a booth at Breadsticks. “I had to work up the courage to tell you and Dad about…the other..” he cleared his throat, “about being gay ya know….um, his mom died when he was about four, but his Dad knows….and his stepmom and stepbrother. He came out about three years ago I guess….” His voiced trailed off. What else could he say? Part of him was glad that she’d asked, but it was hard talking to your mother about your love life, about THE love of your life. It was awkward. “So, is that it?” he asked half-rising from the couch. Barbara smiled up at her son, “Look, Blaine, I know this isn’t easy to talk about with your mother, especially one you haven’t been able to trust for most of your life, so yes…but we need to talk about this again and probably more than once. There are things we need to consider…but I’m happy for you, so happy for you! Now go,” she laughed, “before I ask more questions.” He laughed a little too, picked up his Coke and quickly made his escape up the stairs.

Holding the bannister, he looked back at his mom for just a minute, allowing a rush of love he’d been holding back for so long to flow over him. He’d always believed that he would have to go it alone after telling them he was gay. That they might even send him to another school far away from Lima. It was comforting to know that he had at least one adult on his side because this was scary. Well, actually, he had three if he counted Burt and Carole and he did. He wasn’t exactly sure what his mom could or couldn’t do and the whole conversation had been rather vague other than the specific questions about Kurt. But in some ways he felt relieved. Kurt wasn’t someone he had to hide from yet one more person. They had each dealt with who to tell based on who asked. It wasn’t like they could stand up in front of the entire population of Lima or even the entire student bodies of McKinley and Dalton to share their “good news.” So far, few had asked, but each day brought the possibility that someone might. Maybe people his age were less aware of the “glow” that his mom had picked up on? He wanted to believe that anyway.

At last! He hurriedly closed the door to his bedroom behind him. His bedroom had been a sanctuary no matter how many houses they lived in. He’d never really been able to view any of those well-appointed but heart-empty suburban buildings as home. He plopped onto the bed and swiped his phone.

Why had this happened? Was it his fault? God knows he’d read enough about it and talked it to death in therapy! He hated the memory of his angry, irritated words when his current therapist asked him, “How did you respond to him?” speaking of Blaine’s revelation of a couple months ago. And as much therapy as he’d had, he’d had to say, “The same way I always do….damn it! And I still hate myself and I still can’t let go! My life would be destroyed! I’d have to start again…and again!” The man on the other side of the desk, the person who he always wished could give him a different answer or better yet a cure, asked, “And would starting again be such a bad thing? Would it be worse than what you call the lie you’ve been living with? You might think of it as freeing not just for you but for your wife and son.” That had been a week ago. He’d honestly tried to think of it that way, but the fear….it was just too overwhelming.

That two-letter word that had chased him down every single day of his adult life. That “it” that he wouldn’t allow to define his life. Which is why he’d buried himself in his work and let that, his career, his prestige define him instead. Hell! He couldn’t even call “it” by its proper name! He knew Barb thought he was a heartless bastard and with good reason. But how could he let anyone get too close? Close enough to discover his capital sin. He hated thinking about it that way, but he’d been raised in church where “it” was one of the biggies, one that had been literally pounded from the pulpit even when he was too young to really understand what fueled so much boiling over passion. And when he finally reached an age when he did understand, he was positive that hot breath of hatred was directed at him alone. No one else in the silent congregation, just him.

Staring at the ceiling, he looked over at the person lying next to him. They’d met in New York years ago and whenever he was there they made a point of spending time together. He had a person like this in almost every city he traveled to regularly. Barb believed his affairs were all with women…because he’d purposely tried to lead her in that direction, and some were…Why had he ever decided to marry? He’d thought this to death fruitlessly seeking a reasonable answer…like it would change anything. In the upper middle class circles his family ran in, that’s what you did back then. He was destined to become the businessman he was. His father had made that clear and had even been the one to teach him a lot of what he knew…and he’d went along with “the plan” because he didn’t want to rock the boat. What he was hiding, and had been hiding even from himself for so many years, could never, ever be revealed. So, the less he rocked the boat, the less likely he’d ever be confronted with it.

And no one needed to verbalize what was simply a fact of that lifestyle. But of course he needed a wife. It wasn’t a matter of what he wanted. It came with the package of the career, the life, that had been chosen for him. He’d known Barb for several years, but hadn’t chosen her because he was in love with her. She had been his choice because she fit the mold for a businessman’s wife. He wanted to believe he loved her…or at least could love her enough to make the marriage work. He had to marry someone; that was just a given, and he liked Barb. If he had to live a double life at least he’d prefer to live it with someone he liked…..not that he’d planned to live a double life. He’d promised himself a millions times back then that he would conquer this….thing. Yeah, he’d conquered it all right, now there was a laugh!

Part of him had wanted kids, but he was certain that that would only further complicate an already far too complicated situation. So, when Barb had told him she was expecting, he’d done a very poor job of appearing to be as excited as she was. He realized she believed that having Blaine was the first bud of the tangled branches wrapping around their hearts and suffocating the supposed love they had for each other, but he knew better. They’d been married about five years at the time. In truth, he thought she’d allowed herself to get pregnant because she was lonely and was hoping a child would fill the void. Of course, she was busy with her charitable organizations and clubs, but that wasn’t family. He’d tried to love Blaine as a child should be loved and whether they believed it or not, he did love him. He loved him enough to stay away from him hoping he wouldn’t have to struggle with what Laine had and still did. Was that really love? All he knew was that the closer he allowed himself to be to anyone, the more likely it would be that they’d learn the truth, and as far as he was concerned, in his case the truth would most certainly not set anyone free.

Twenty-five years ago the world had been a different place….off-center… for people like him. No one talked about “sexual orientation.” They didn’t talk about how to deal with it because back then “sexual orientation” wasn’t viable; it didn’t exist. If you dared to step outside societal norms, you were a “queer,” a “lezzy,” a “drag queen.” A whole encyclopedia of derogatory names and labels would become your life and legacy. You weren’t human, you were abnormal. You weren’t born this way; you chose to be “that way.” Even some of the supposedly enlightened therapists seemed to squirm behind their desks when he told them why he was in their offices.

So, he’d created a shell around himself and his heart, not allowing it to feel, beating only to keep him physically alive. He chose jobs that required lots of travel. That way he didn’t have to deal with his “family.” The more he wasn’t around them, the less the chances of them finding out. But the fortress he’d had to build in order to keep them out had destroyed any chance for a real relationship with either of them. He had had to sacrifice them on the altar of denying to himself who….no not who…what he was. Always what; to say it was who he was implied that “it” was an innate part of his personality, his psyche, and he refused to accept that that might be true. And although anonymity wasn’t guaranteed, it was easier to feed his real desires in a place where he and especially, they didn’t live.

When Blaine had told them he was gay, Laine didn’t doubt it for a second…but he just couldn’t handle the idea, at least in that moment. He’d guessed long ago, but was always in hope that he was wrong. Denial had become his default setting. He couldn’t bear the thought that he might have caused it in some way, although in what was left of his heart he knew there was nothing and no one to blame. Although Blaine would never know it, Laine really did love him (he had to keep telling himself that; someone had to believe it). If he hadn’t he wouldn’t have pushed him out of his life. It had been a matter of self-preservation for both of them, in his eyes. The idea that Blaine might have to suffer a life of constant scrutiny, cruelty and hatred made him sick. He wiped away the tears he hated as much as he hated himself, reaching out for the warm body beside him hoping that the comfort of another human being would supply the sleep he so desperately needed.

Most of the messages were from Kurt and as far as he was concerned those were the only ones that mattered. He smiled at all the emojis they used to talk without really talking, their own secret code, just in case, but at the very end were the two words that made his heart soar, “me too.” He’d used those words the night of their first kiss. Both had wanted to say, “I love you,” but Blaine just wasn’t ready to hear that yet. He didn’t know why. If he didn’t love Kurt then he didn’t love anybody. And he didn’t have to wonder if Kurt felt the same, but Kurt had gone along with it. Although Blaine wasn’t aware of this, one of the reasons Kurt followed suit was because saying those words would be another first and he wanted that occasion to be as special as their first kiss. So, they’d gotten in the habit of saying, “me too.” Deep inside they knew that after they took that step, they would be faced with probably the most important and scariest step. A step that would forever cement their relationship in each other’s memories. He couldn’t imagine ever living without Kurt again. His teenage hope was that they’d carry that and all of their memories into a future together forever.

After he’d savored every single message three or four times, Blaine closed his eyes and conjured up a vision of them in front of a cozy fire on the porch. Except for a few Sunday evenings when they’d gone to the movies, they’d spent every Saturday and Sunday night in yet another sanctuary, but this time not just for Blaine, but for both of them. As Kurt had warned, their privacy would be less after that first night. Every once in awhile Burt would knock and either ignore them or just send a, “Hey guys”, their way, continuing on to his real or contrived errand that had required his having to walk through the porch. Once in a while he’d send Carole, presumably to not look so obvious, but of course they knew what was going on. The only person who was not allowed was Finn. Burt had made it clear that Kurt and Blaine deserved just as much privacy as he and Quinn and he’d reinforced that Finn was not allowed to tease him about Blaine. That worked in his dad’s presence, but when they weren’t in Burt or Carole’s presence, all bets were off. That was okay. As much as it sometimes got under his skin, he knew Finn wasn’t being malicious. He’d had enough teasing in his lifetime to know.

Blaine sighed. He was still in awe that he could feel this way about anyone or that anyone would ever feel this way about him. Kurt was on his mind every waking moment and when they were together it was like they were magnets, totally unable to resist the urges that drew them together. Everything about Kurt was perfect. Blaine’s hands had tentatively mapped every inch of Kurt’s upper torso, his lips retracing their steps, and just when he thought he knew Kurt’s upper body as intimately as he ever would, he found another hot spot where electricity sparked at his touch.

And when Kurt touched him? It was like liquid heat dashing through every nerve ending. And part of the thrill was that both were learning from each other. No matter how many books that could be written about the how-tos of intimacy, sensuality, sex, nothing could prepare a person for the initial voyage, and that’s what they were on, their initial voyage.

And then there was that element of surprise. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected from Kurt, but he’d never expected him to be so sensitive to Blaine’s desires. Unafraid to ask what he liked, what he didn’t like, how he could make something that already felt soooo good, feel even better. He felt more relaxed and comfortable because of it…and he tried to reciprocate.

And often their questions were met with, “No that tickles. Not there. Slower.” And occasionally they’d burst into fits of laughter at the questions and answers, at the very least lightening the mood, sometimes even destroying it. They didn’t care; all of it was fun! It was just all so new.

And the time that in their rush to remove the annoying clothing barrier between them? They’d found themselves on the floor, Kurt landing on top of him hitting the coffee table with his foot. He’d quickly put his finger to his lips just in case someone had heard and might come rushing to make sure that nothing earth-shattering had happened. Almost holding their breath and lying so still, Blaine had gotten a leg cramp. He’d hobbled around the room until it lost its power and returned to where Kurt was sitting on the floor, his shirt partially unbuttoned, his hair a mess.

Relatively sure by then that their privacy wasn’t going to be interrupted, he’d leaned toward Kurt, his kiss soft and inviting, resuming the march down his shirt, releasing each remaining button that kept him from Kurt’s toned body. But before he could finish, he found himself flat on the floor, Kurt’s glasz eyes boring into his own as he sat atop Blaine’s belly. As their eyes locked….and after what seemed like an eternity….Kurt leaned over whispering, “soooo much more room on the floor…”And from there, tentative had progressed to bolder. Their desires hadn’t changed, but they’d metamorphosed into an almost intolerable aching need. Sort of what he imagined climbing a mountain would feel like for the first time. Here you were, clinging to the edge, moving higher and higher, loving the journey but ever more anxious for the goal. Well, not the goal exactly….all he knew is that their bodies were fighting desperately to avoid responding to feelings that couldn’t be denied. Was this really what it was like to love someone?

They seemed to have so much in common. He never seemed to get bored listening to Kurt. He loved it when they’d get so excited about some topic and their words would tumble over each other until, again, laughter would break the momentum of the convoluted conversation. Usually it was Kurt who would grow quiet. Then, he’d say something like “go on,” and attempt to be the good listener he was most of the time. Although the physical side of their relationship seemed to take precedence most of the time, Blaine knew that wasn’t true. He’d even gone so far as to look up all the definitions of love he could find! Yes, he was deeply “in love” – he had no doubt about that, but did the combination of overwhelming physical attraction and enjoying another’s company add up to true love? A forever love?

Kurt was unsuccessfully trying to watch a movie with his dad and Carole. It was even a movie he’d wanted to see, but he just couldn’t keep his mind on it. Every situation or conversation turned into a thought about Blaine. He wasn’t just in love with him, he loved him. There were so many things he loved about him….his voice, his curly hair, his lips and the way he kissed. He was so attentive and easy to talk to. And he’d told him many times that he loved this or that about him, but much as he yearned to say it, he didn’t want to say it…..not yet. He’d watched other couples who said I love you all the time…and after a while it seemed to just turn into a familiar phrase…almost like saying “bless you” when someone sneezed…could that lackadaisical familiarity with such important words be avoided? Uhhhhh! Why continue to fight the spinning wheel of his thoughts and the strained tightrope of his feelings? He’d watch the movie, try to focus on anything his dad or Carole said, and then escape to his room where he could at least text Blaine and they could exchange “me toos” and share this time in cyberspace if not in person.

The last Sunday evening they’d spent together? Had it only been four days? Kurt closed his eyes, still being torn in half by what they were feeling. It wasn’t just him and he knew it. They were both getting bolder with each new bit of intimate knowledge that came their way. Like when he touched Blaine’s left nipple, or better yet, when he kissed it and then took it between his lips and then his teeth? Or when he took a lazy stroll with his tongue through his sensate mouth, eliciting begging moans, and then stopped, taking Blaine’s tongue between his lips, slowly sucking on it….and then Blaine would run his fingers through his hair, gripping it tightly as if he needed an anchor to hold onto before he exploded. Or when Blaine would take his face in his hands, kissing him so thoroughly his lips would become deliciously tender…or the time Blaine had kissed and tongued his way from his chin all the way down to his waist…that alone had almost made him cave in….but oh then he’d accidentally tasted his navel with that tongue….ohmigod! Kurt’s resolve had almost dissolved that night. And when Blaine noticed his reaction, Kurt could almost see the smile on his face as he experimentally, and then more forcefully, explored this new erogenous zone neither even knew existed. The mere thought of Blaine being the helpless recipient…..it made him shiver. There was no doubt in his mind that he was going to “experiment” on Blaine the next time….hoping that Blaine’s response would be as frenzied as Kurt’s had been.

Kurt had been positive that when this moment in his life arrived, he’d know what to do. After all, he’d lived with this reality for a very long time, but that was before the reality had come to life. But….so, he knew he loved Blaine without a doubt, but did Blaine love him…..without a doubt? Saying “me too” was fine, even fun….but….he wanted to hear that Blaine loved him….without being prompted…He knew it wasn’t fair to expect him to do something he didn’t even know Kurt was waiting for. He was even kind of relieved when that uncharacteristically impulsive Kurt had almost said, “I love you,” after their first kiss…but Blaine had stopped him. So why did this have to be so complicated? He didn’t have the answer to that. Yet he knew he would never take that decisive step until he knew Blaine loved him…without a doubt. He sighed.

This was stupid! No, it’s not stupid! another part of his brain shouted. It’s the height of intimacy between two people, a moment neither of you can ever take back! Your lives are already intertwined. Taking that step, for better or worse, will glue you together for life. And Kurt knew his brain spoke the truth. Sometimes he hated his intensity, his sensitivity….

Barbara closed her eyes and leaned back onto the couch. Again, she had to wonder how her life had come to this. Before Blaine had revealed his true self to them, she could at least pretend that she didn’t know what she did. She still remembered how she’d figured it out, the added pain to an already crumbled marriage and then slowly she’d done just what Laine had, stuck the information in a place where her heart couldn’t be touched by it. Oh, yes! He had done a very good job of hiding the other side to his secret life. She knew by now that he had purposely led her in the direction of affairs when all along she thought he was just being careless, and in public he appeared to be the ladies’ man without overdoing it. But back in the day when people still actually sent post cards via snail mail, one had arrived….and then another…and another from the Bahamas. She’d sat down with them in hand reading and rereading all three of them countless times. Love notes covered with X’s and O’s. Any love that might have remained for him disappeared in the wake of someone’s carelessly sent vacation missives to their lover.

And now that knowledge was valuable to her as she knew it would be someday. After that, she watched for any signs of his affairs, picking apart every receipt, the scent of perfume or cologne lingering on his clothing, all of the little things that told her that in the time he was away, which was 75% of his time, he hadn’t been alone or lonely. She was the only one suffering from loneliness. She had wanted to turn to her son so badly, to give him the love that he not only deserved but that might ease her pain or at least some of it, but she hadn’t, it would seem she couldn’t. She was afraid….so afraid…to love him. Of course he was still a child at the time, but one day he’d become a teen and then an adult…and what if he rejected her just like his father had? At the very least, he would grow up and not need her anymore. She just couldn’t stand the thought of no one needing or wanting her yet again so she’d buried herself in projects, charities, groups, clubs….But now? He did need her and she couldn’t resist the urge to finally feel cared for and needed, no matter her somewhat twisted logic. She’d think about that……later. Blaine needed someone on his side in this house. And she held the key to controlling Laine’s ability to hurt Blaine any further. If she had to she would use that knowledge like a club to keep him away from Blaine’s newfound happiness. What would his coworkers and higher-ups think if she told them? What if she told his family? Or what passed for old and new friends in his life?

If she had to, she would use it. And no matter what, Blaine was bound to be hurt for a time, but not by his father’s words and in the end not by his actions. Blaine had no clue that his father’s response to his announcement about his being gay had very little to do with Blaine and much more to do with his father’s hypocritical closeted skeletons. And Barb would keep it that way if she could. Maybe she wouldn’t have the three years she’d hoped for after all, but she wasn’t completely alone. Several years ago she had found a support group online and she was involved in their discussions on a regular basis. She….no they….her and Blaine would be fine. The fact that Blaine was growing up and would someday not need her anymore was still a possibility, but why waste any more precious time concerning herself with the future? Now was what they had and she wasn’t going to waste it ever again.

The clock was not their friend…..waiting…..waiting…..and waiting for Saturday to arrive. And they couldn’t decide if their dance class together on Friday afternoon was a welcome couple hours of reprieve or if it was more torture by time. Thankfully, Bryan was working with them as usual, providing a distraction. The time-honored Friday night football game had left them without Finn. And even though Bryan knew their relationship was far beyond friendly, still, there were others at the dance studio so they had to do their usual pretending, longing for Saturday evening when they could finally be alone.

Saturday night had become the focus of their existence. For Kurt every thought revolved around nothing but their first kiss, and not just for them together, but for either of them ever. Question after question, the second guessing, and the inevitable image of their lips touching and then their bodies begging for more…was driving him crazy! Did he honestly know if that was what Blaine wanted? What if he wasn’t ready? But in his heart, he knew Blaine probably didn’t care if he was ready; what did it mean to be ready for your first kiss anyway? He knew the way they felt about each other was mutual…and he knew that they were both struggling to keep their hands off of each other, struggling to fight the electricity between them. As always, he wanted everything about the time they would spend together on Saturday to be perfect. Yes, he knew his perfectionistic tendencies were only making this harder…yet try as he might he couldn’t always temper that intrinsic part of who he was. But how could he make something perfect if he’d never done it before?

Blaine glanced at the digital readout on his phone….9 o’clock….less than 24 hours…and he watched as the time changed to 9:01. He almost slammed the science textbook closed. Unless he could find a chapter, or even a paragraph on how to kiss, he might as well give up for the time being. He closed his eyes, hoping for even a small respite, but the images floating through his mind all ended in question marks. Should I kiss him first? Or should I wait and let him make the first move? After all, Kurt was the older one…but what did that have to do with their first kiss? Even if it didn’t turn out exactly right the first time, hopefully there would be lots of time to press repeat and try again….continuous loop would be even better. Just being that close to his stunning, porcelain-skinned face, to touch it without the fear that they were getting too close…..and his focus on dance tonight?….the only dance he was doing involved a tango with Kurt and his emotions running wild. Bryan had even cut it a little short. Blaine was sure he could tell something different was going on between them, but if he did he was kind enough not to make inquiries. Strangely enough, it helped that they’d chosen to go to Applebee’s instead of Breadsticks afterwards and Kurt had deliberately picked out a table instead of a booth, not because he didn’t want to sit beside Blaine, but because doing so would only make it harder.

Usually reveling in the time to sleep in on Saturday morning, Kurt had woken up at 7. After plumping his pillow a dozen times, then rearranging the blankets, he decided, like Goldilocks, that his bed just wouldn’t do anymore. But unlike Goldilocks, he wasn’t going to find a place that was “just right.” Rolling over onto his back, the ceiling was just as blank as it always was, offering not even a smidgen of inspiration. At least he’d finally done what he should have done from the beginning, scribbling his ideas in a notebook instead of letting them walk in circles in his head. Just like his perfectionism, the overly romantic person who lived in his heart wanted to make tonight special, not that a first kiss wasn’t special enough, but he’d never had the chance to employ his romanticism in real life. The only romance he knew personally dwelt in the fiction he’d written.

But how to make it special with other people around, even if they made themselves scarce. The back porch with its wood-burning stove was the one place in the house where Kurt might be able to create an air of the romantic. The icy winter winds had become the norm of yet another Ohio winter. Closing his eyes, he could imagine them in the semi-darkness, the firelight tossing cozy shadows around them, snuggled on the couch, soaking up the warmth of the stove and, even better, their own body heat. But he’d have to get his dad’s permission to use it. He knew Burt would understand why he wanted to.

The ruse that Blaine was just a friend had been dropped months ago. He was actually grateful when his dad had brought up the true nature of their relationship, not giving him the third degree. He was interested without being judgmental. He made it clear that he wasn’t planning to tell Kurt what or what not to do. His intent was to let Kurt know that he was available to talk…about anything. As Burt had put it, he’d been a teenage boy once, and it didn’t matter who you were attracted to, he was pretty sure it felt the same. Ever since Kurt had come out, their relationship had grown by leaps and bounds. It still surprised Kurt…he was so sure his dad would never understand and their relationship would only get worse. Outside of Kurt and Blaine themselves, his dad knew more than anyone else about their feelings for each other.

The porch was a place where they could be alone, and unlike the other rooms they were allowed to use, it had a door. It gave others access, but it would also give them ample warning if someone was coming through. But he’d never asked to use it before unless he was alone and he didn’t want to have to explain why he wanted to use it now. Still, he couldn’t think of another place that was acceptable…to him anyway.

The car had been his first, but very brief, thought. Sitting in a running car, especially if they had to risk being discovered by someone….it just seemed sort of cheap? And for the same reason, going to the movies was out. And besides he wanted to be able to talk like they always did. He loved their conversations. Of course, they could always take up residence where they normally did and they were usually guaranteed more than enough privacy…but what if this time someone walked in on them at the wrong time? And that was his only dilemma with the porch. The same could happen on the porch, but at least it had a door. If someone in the family was out there with or without company they usually knocked first….but what if someone forgot?

“Dad?” Kurt said, sitting down at the kitchen table with Burt for doughnuts and coffee. His dad put down the part of the paper he was reading and glanced over at Kurt, “I need a favor.” Burt took a slow sip of his coffee and nodded, “Sure, what is it, Kurt?” “Is it okay if Blaine and I use the porch tonight…I mean with the stove on?” “Of course! You know how to operate it, no problem.” “Um….” Kurt stumbled and tried to look at Burt as he said, “Could I ask for a little extra….um….” Burt half smiled but could tell Kurt was definitely struggling with something, “What is it? You know you can tell me anything, right?” “Well, yeah, but this is sort of really….um, personal….could we have a little extra….privacy?” “We always knock, you know that, why…” “But…tonight is sort of special….” Finally, Burt got it! He trusted Kurt implicitly. Kurt had no problem discussing his private life with him most of the time and he knew almost exactly where Kurt and Blaine were at in their relationship. “Oh! Well I could put a note on the door maybe?” He tried not to laugh. “No dad! That would be even more embarrassing! Just maybe give everybody an extra reminder, especially Finn if he’s going to be home.” “Of course, but you do remember that we’ve let him and Quinn use the porch, right? It’s not like he would….” “Dad, please! Just make sure he knows you mean it???” “Of course, Kurt….” Burt glanced down at his jelly doughnut and smiled.

Kurt was so excited about Saturday night he’d asked if he could invite Blaine over early for dinner. Well, of course! Carole had said. There was nothing she loved more than cooking for company and Blaine had become somewhat of a permanent fixture in their household by now. Her favorite roast chicken recipe card lay on the wooden island in the middle of the kitchen along with a chocolate cake recipe. She knew she could store her recipes in a file online, but she still preferred her worn and stained recipe cards. It was just too messy attempting to cook while reading from her laptop. At least the cards were already well used. Trying to keep the screen and keyboard clean was a hassle.

Blaine surveyed the table and the people seated there. In the last few months, Burt and Carole had grown from Kurt’s parents to Blaine’s parents in absentia. Without hesitation they had welcomed him as if he were their own. As they made small talk around the table, Kurt tried to include Blaine in the conversation without appearing to be watching him. His dad was doing a pretty good job of playing it cool when Kurt knew he would love to be teasing him and it was obvious he’d talked to Finn. He was on his best behavior…for Finn anyway.

“We’ll do the dishes,” Kurt said, part of him wishing they’d been on the porch since the minute Blaine arrived, the other part still nervous, thinking maybe an additional 15 minutes would calm his pounding heart. Finn gave Kurt a somewhat irritated glance, “And what we would that be, little one?” Finn never passed up a chance to remind Kurt that he was 6 months younger. “The three of us,” he replied, allowing the laser beam eyes to puncture Finn’s attempt to get under his skin. “Oh, stop it, you two, we’ll accept your offer,” Burt said as he winked at Carole, inviting her to join him in the living room for a game of Scrabble. Finn’s date with Quinn having been postponed for the dreaded chore, he rushed through stacking the dishes in the dishwasher. For once Kurt was too preoccupied with something else to tell him how to rearrange them “the right way.” After drying his hands with a kitchen towel, Kurt’s indecisive mind whispered, “Finally!”

Blaine had been on the porch a couple of times during the fall. Usually it was occupied, Finn having friends over to play pool, Finn and Quinn, of course….or Burt and Carole enjoying the view of their back yard. Flowers and birdfeeders dotted the green space, offering a tranquil place to unwind.

Knowing the feeling of the chilly Ohio winter wind blowing outside the walls, it made this room that much more inviting…so cozy… the sky like a deep black, star-studded comforter…the moon full and opaque…Kurt hadn’t even taken the romance of the night sky into consideration. And it just made everything even more romantic. Kurt and Burt had prepared the fire using hickory…..a sweet and subtle aroma. And although there were lamps resting on tables beside either end of the couch, Kurt decided now would be the perfect time to spare the electric bill. There was just enough light from the moon to see each other and, of course, the firelight provided a warmer glow that the moon in all its glory could not. Out here there was no TV and no video games. But music?

Kurt had orchestral and piano playing in the background, but he asked Blaine if he’d prefer something else. Wow! If ever there was the perfect atmosphere for romance……the fire crackling, inviting them into the twilight, oversized pillows perfect for sitting in front of the fire….in the middle of his distraction he realized Kurt had asked him a question, “No…the music is fine..” The mind picture of them together on that overstuffed couch with the full moon overhead was intoxicating….he swallowed a laugh, before he’d met Kurt he would never have described any encounter as intoxicating.

Almost like the painting American Gothic, they unconsciously seated themselves on the couch just like they had for months, Kurt with his arm around Blaine, Blaine holding Kurt’s hand….and then they realized they didn’t have to be so cautious anymore! All of the tension of wondering when they could feel free with each other, free to express their feelings, free to talk about something other than when and how Blaine would come out to his parents, free to touch without fearing their bodies’ own language would speak too openly. Kurt drew Blaine a little closer with his arm, laying his head on Blaine’s curls and unwittingly kissing him on the head. It just seemed so natural, like it was something he did all the time. Blaine curled his legs under himself on the couch and snuggled closer under Kurt’s arm. He put a hand on Kurt’s thigh and sighed.

“I could sit here like this all night with you,” Blaine said, “looking at the moon, watching the fire…I’m so glad we don’t have to be so….uptight?….careful….whatever it was with each other anymore. I didn’t realize you were such a romantic, Kurt.” Kurt nodded against the scent of Blaine’s hair, shifting his hand to the warm curve of his neck, his fingers caressing the sensitive skin. Just knowing he could touch Blaine that way without thinking about it….he was nervous, but not like he’d been earlier. Some said that Kurt was born old. He thought everything through, sometimes twice. He knew how precious these moments were. They would never happen again. All of these delicious feelings and sensations would belong to this time alone. His first boyfriend, maybe his first love and eventually tonight his first kiss. Even caressing Blaine’s neck, kissing his hair, he would never do that for the first time ever again.

The minutes turned to an hour covered in a cloak of magic peacefulness, them relaxing into each other as their talk turned to the past week, the future plans of the Glee Club and the Warblers, the ordinary everyday teen topics. No urgency to it, none of the what/how/when. They didn’t have to plan a thing. For once all they had to do was just enjoy each other’s company.

Blaine reluctantly uncurled his body, reaching for the Coke he’d brought with him, taking a sip and stretching his back. Kurt contemplated his lean body, his hands to the heavens, his smooth arm muscles flexing – was now the time? Should he wait until they got comfortable again? No! Now! He didn’t know why, he just knew he didn’t want to wait any longer.

He sat up beside Blaine, taking a sip of his own drink for courage…and then he turned to face Blaine, taking his by now familiar hands into his own…..taking in the intensity of those beautiful hazel eyes. It was like they were frozen in time with the heat from the fire slowly thawing the moment….their bodies melting toward each other….as their eyes locked, knowing…..but unsure….Kurt let go of Blaine’s hand and cupped his cheek, stroking it with the back of his fingers. “Blaine….I’ve…wanted to do this for so long….touch you like this….and…..are you sure….” Blaine didn’t let him finish. He took the smooth hand stroking his face and leaned over placing his lips delicately, almost hesitantly, on Kurt’s…..achingly chaste….Kurt’s intake of breath…and then a sigh spoke volumes as he again cupped Blaine’s face with trembling hands, turning their kiss from the flutter of butterfly wings to what could only be likened to a plunge into the mouth of an active volcano. His heartbeat pounding in his ears, Blaine engulfed Kurt in what no longer had to be a stolen embrace, drawing their yearning ever closer. Although feeling a little awkward at first, it was beginning to feel like their lips and hands were created only for each other. Ignoring his body’s protests, Kurt withdrew his lips momentarily, catching his breath, as they tumbled backward onto the couch.

Silence….except for the struggle to catch their breath…..silence……except for the occasional crackle of the wood as it turned to ashes……silence……except for the steady primal beating of their hearts…holding each other tight, neither wanting to let go….ever. Barely opening his eyes, Kurt captured Blaine’s face like a photo, his eyes still shuttered. He was so handsome….he studied his face, taking in his tawny skin, his long midnight eyelashes, his ears, his nose, the now messy tangle of curls tumbling over his forehead….his lips. Those lips that had been shared with no one else but him. Not saying a word, he kissed the inviting tip of his nose, then engaged his waiting lips once more, this time, lingering….detaining his longing for more…..lying in wait….as he felt Blaine’s whole body respond, almost with a quiver. He remembered the descriptions he’d heard all his life about lips tasting like all kinds of things, but Blaine’s lips didn’t taste like wine….or honey….or strawberries…they tasted of a hint of Coke and Blaine’s own unique scent. And it wasn’t just the taste but the feel….warm, soft, a little moist…..oh yes…..he could live forever without the taste of wine or honey…or even strawberries, but he never ever wanted to live without the heady combination of Coke and Blaine on his lips, never again.

Shrouded in a cocoon of first love, first kisses, when they weren’t murmuring in their own form of teenage pillow talk, they were tasting……touching…..suddenly finding each other’s eyes so fascinating…..incapable of looking away. Kurt felt every kiss that Blaine feathered over his face, his eyelids, his chin and even along his neck, wondering how on Earth he had ever lived without this. Blaine’s fingers devoured the thickness of his ginger hair as Kurt made his first attempt at French kissing.

The world had surely exploded when their tongues tentatively touched for the first time, but the world would have to take care of itself. The only world in existence was between their lips, exploring, discovering, laying claim to this new world and all of its uncharted territory. He felt Blaine’s moan, holding him as he shuddered in Kurt’s arms, knowing exactly what he was feeling.

This was all so new and scary….. For the first time, they both realized why it was almost impossible for them to not allow the liquid heat inside to take them places neither were ready for but wanted….still….they wanted. And though they understood the logistics of that want, the reality of such a thing was still in the realm of the unimaginable. The kissing, the tenderness they now felt free to express was too overwhelming of an experience to even picture anything beyond it.

As Kurt’s intuitive fingertips traversed Blaine’s body, his touch was filled with desire….and apprehension. The sparks vibrating from one nerve ending to another, his insides dancing in tune with his heartbeat… This kind of touching was totally foreign to him. And he knew from what Kurt had revealed to him that it was for Kurt, too. Were his kisses as good as Kurt’s were? Was he doing this the right way? Was there a right and wrong way? Judging from Kurt’s responses it seemed like he was as lost in Blaine’s eager lips and hands as he was in Kurt’s.

Coming up for air, Kurt said, “Look at me, Blaine…” Sinking into the flashing iridescence of Kurt’s eyes, he could see the depth of their longing…and an unsteady smile. “I know I’ve said this before…but I’ve never felt this way about anyone…I don’t even know what to call it. When you touch me…..and kiss me….like this…..it’s like flying and drowning all at the same time.

I know that makes no sense,” Kurt glanced down for a moment…finally looking into Blaine’s confused eyes….”I’ve been falling in love with you since the very first time I saw you but….I’m afraid to say….” Blaine stopped him, “Kurt, you don’t have to explain or say anything that….we may not be ready for,” all the while thinking to himself, even if we both know it’s true. “You already know that I feel the same way about you….I’ve been falling in love with you, too….and being with you like this….” he reached over to touch Kurt’s lips, softly running a finger over them, “Kissing you is like…not being in my own body anymore….like tasting…..this sounds stupid….it’s like tasting all the colors of the rainbow…” and then he ran a fingertip along Kurt’s jawline, “and touching you…..it’s like being struck by lightning…like …..” “It’s like this…” Kurt whispered.

And then they were in each other’s arms again, unable and unwilling to deny themselves what they’d held back for so many months….at times it had felt like years…..both knowing the evening would have to end sometime and not wanting to waste a second on anything but discovering each other.

“You wanna stop and get a shake before…?” “Yeah…yes! That sounds really good!” Anything to prolong their time together! Kurt pulled into a space at Sonic, looking around always hoping he wouldn’t see anyone familiar, other than the carhops. Blaine did the same, but took one of Kurt’s hands after they placed their order. “Kurt, I already know we as a couple will never be easy, especially not in a town like Lima or even the State of Ohio. Our being….cautious….is smart, but I’m not going to constantly be looking over my shoulder or not holding your hand because someone might see. People are going to believe what they want to believe no matter what we do. I’m not saying we should throw it in their faces, but if someone sees us together and jumps to conclusions or has something to say about it, I’m not going to back down. I might as well get used to whatever it’s going to feel like to be openly gay. It’s not like I can change it. Let’s just deal with whatever happens a step at a time, okay?” Truer words, Kurt thought. One step at a time was the only way, he knew that from way too much experience.

Reluctantly, they pulled into Blaine’s driveway. His dad was home, but there weren’t many lights on so he assumed one of them was probably out for the evening. Going to a movie or out to eat was something his parents never did together, unless it was a hospital affair or a charity dinner. The three of them might as well have lived in different houses for all the time they spent in each other’s company.

When Kurt had pulled up in front he said, “Doesn’t anyone ever ask where you go every Saturday and Sunday night? I mean, aren’t they ever curious?” Blaine was quiet for a time, “I tell them I’m out with friends on Saturday and Sunday I just say I’m going to the movies with friends. As long as I don’t get in any trouble…well, since my dad refuses to…care about me, I think when he’s home he’s just glad he doesn’t have to deal with me. And now I’ve given him one more excuse. And my mom? I know she’s glad I’m making friends…but I think she suspects that there might be someone. I’m not sure, it’s just a feeling. I know she’ll bring it up if and when she’s ever ready, but she’ll never say anything to anyone but me. She’s still maneuvering around my dad like she always has. And she keeps herself busy with her charities and clubs. What I’m doing and where I am is like an afterthought most of the time….except like I said if I get into trouble.” “But don’t they ever ask to meet your friends or have them over?” “If they….well, actually more like he…if he doesn’t care about me what makes you think he would care about my friends?” Kurt just nodded. He couldn’t begin to imagine a family like that….if you could even call that a family.

They both wanted to kiss each other good night, but despite what Blaine had said, there was no point in creating problems. There’d be plenty to go around as it was. Before Blaine got out of the car, Kurt said, “Ya know, we could skip the movies tomorrow night. You could just come over to the house and we could spend time on the porch again.” Blaine smiled and said, “But won’t your dad be….suspi….I mean, concerned?” Kurt smiled, too, “He’s the one who built that porch and he put a door on it for a reason. And he’s living with two guys….one who has a girlfriend…and now one who has a….” he hesitated for a moment unsure of what to say, “a boyfriend.” He knows how to use that door believe me. I asked him for a bit more privacy than usual tonight, but don’t expect it to always be like it was tonight.”

“You mean…..he knew what….well…” “I didn’t exactly state what tonight was about, but he knew. You don’t need to turn green….you know I share almost everything with him. He reminded me that he was a teenage boy once…not sure if that’s true,” Kurt laughed, “but you notice we weren’t interrupted right?”

Kurt hesitated for a minute and chuckled, “When I first saw you I called you Mr. Gorgeous because obviously I didn’t know your name. I don’t know why…… I just thought of that.” ” Well, that’s better than what I called you, you were that guy, until you graduated to that cute guy.” “So, I’ll pick you up tomorrow night, and think about whether you want to go see a movie or stay at….” “Are you kidding? Let’s see, I have a choice between sitting in a dark theatre hoping that no one we know sees us or I can sit in front of a fire making out with you…what do you think I’m going to choose?” “Well, when you put it that way….” Before Blaine got out of the car, Kurt squeezed his hand and kissed it, “Blaine, I…” Blaine put a finger to his lips and said, “Shhhhh…,” then stepped onto the smooth asphalt driveway and was gone.

Kurt sighed. He was so tired, but so keyed up. They’d gotten in the habit of texting each other after Kurt got home, but Kurt was just pulling into the driveway when he heard his phone ping. He quickly put the car in Park and reached for the phone, eager to see the text he was sure was from Blaine. As his eyes caught the short message on the screen, he laughed and almost cried when he read, “kurt me too.”

Kurt was trying so hard not to smile in Blaine’s direction. They were at The Lima Bean, each at their respective tables, texting back and forth underneath hoping no one would see. Since it wasn’t exactly unusual for a group of teens to be sitting together engrossed in their phones instead of each other’s company, no one seemed to take notice…well, except for Rachel, but she knew what was going on and she wasn’t about to upset the apple cart of Kurt’s newfound happiness. And who cared if their once hot coffee turned to ice?

It had been almost three months since their first date, the boring movie followed by burgers at Sonic and their first real conversation, and they were taking it very slowly. Kurt was naturally wary just by virtue of his own experiences. It was hard to trust. Of course, he was hopelessly attracted to Blaine, but he couldn’t afford to risk his fragile heart wrapped in the gauze of caution for someone who was still struggling with coming out. He didn’t blame Blaine for that at all. He already knew how life-changing the three simple words, “I am gay,” were. One sentence turned your reasonably normal world completely upside down. Those words could tear apart families and friendships and leave you as the target for the bullies that lived to inflict pain on anyone who was different. The gossip, the lies, the glances filled with superiority and disgust. And as for Blaine, he wanted to shout to the entire world what his feelings were for Kurt, but he knew that first he’d have to shout to that same unforgiving world, “I’m gay, I like boys.”

But in the meantime, they’d spent almost every Saturday night at Kurt’s house. His dad had known from the moment he shook Blaine’s hand that he wasn’t just “my new friend.” For one, both Kurt and Blaine were as nervous as cats in a room full of rocking chairs. But he didn’t want to make Kurt uncomfortable, God knew he had enough of that in his life already. So he and Carole made themselves scarce on Saturday evening, sometimes going on their own date, leaving Finn in charge. Sometimes if Finn had his own plans for that night, they’d make small talk for an acceptable period of time and then retire early. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust Kurt, but allowing them to disappear into Kurt’s basement bedroom was out of the question. The same rule applied to Finn when he had Quinn over.

So, they’d spent their evenings playing video games. Sometimes they’d watch movies, Kurt’s arm wrapped around Blaine’s shoulder and Blaine holding one of Kurt’s hands. They might practice a few dance moves with or without Finn. And at least once a week or more they’d get together with Bryan and Finn at the dance studio for a class or simply to practice and then more often than not end up at Breadsticks.

When Blaine had brought up the possibility of taking dance classes to his parents, he was positive they’d both veto the idea. However, before his dad had a chance to get a word out, his mom had pointed out that basic dance steps and ballroom dancing were never bad skills for a man to have. Even his father had taken ballroom dancing with his mom. So, his dad had agreed as long as he took a ballroom dancing class along with any other classes he wanted to take, with the usual caveat….”As long as your grades don’t suffer.”

Their time alone though was what was most precious to them. Well, they weren’t actually alone, but Burt, Carole and Finn were noticeably absent in whatever room they happened to be in. The whole idea of starting their relationship the way they had was to learn more about each other and to try to figure out a way for Blaine to come out knowing full well there was no easy way or perfect time. As Kurt had so bluntly pointed out, “What if we find out we don’t have much in common? Maybe we’d just end up as friends, but the pressure of coming out would be off then. You’ll have to do it eventually, just not now.” They’d sort of looked at each other out of the corner of one eye. “But you don’t really believe that’s what’s going to happen, do you? I mean us….just…being friends.” Blaine ventured completely out of character for him to speak so freely. Kurt looked at his lap, took a deep breath and let out a sigh. He glanced in Blaine’s direction and finally said, “No….no, I don’t.” Kurt looked away again, fighting like mad the urge to close the distance between them and kiss Blaine…and not on the cheek. But no, he wouldn’t do that until they could actually present themselves as a couple or at the very least Blaine had come out to his parents. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Kurt had never been kissed and he wanted his first kiss to be with someone he truly cared about, maybe even loved…a someone who owned his heart.

As the movie came to an end, Blaine’s head resting on Kurt’s shoulder, Kurt absentmindedly playing with Blaine’s curls, they both knew the inevitable discussion about their relationship, how and when Blaine would reveal his sexual identity to his parents, would begin yet again. Blaine hated this moment. Two hours of sitting so close to Kurt, the way his arm around him made him feel so secure, or Kurt playing with his hair like he was now. Kurt hadn’t a clue of what that did to his insides. Holding Kurt’s hand sometimes running a finger up and down his palm and Kurt reciprocating….it was like they’d developed their own sensual language. Yet, a Saturday didn’t go by that their evening didn’t end with the same discussion. But instead of easing into it, Blaine let out a frustrated sigh.

“Kurt, I can’t live like this with you….with us….the way we are, not anymore. And I know we’ve talked it to death, but I have to tell them. It’s eating me alive. I think I’m more afraid that my dad will insist we don’t see each other, even though I don’t plan to tell him or them about you….not yet.” They’d already agreed that coming out and then presenting Kurt as a fait accompli wasn’t a good idea. What a sad waste of time if they’d spent months together like this, both of them knowing that what they felt was way beyond friendship, only to have their time together banned.

Of course, that went against Kurt’s better judgment, but he was a teenager, and dare he even think or say it “in love”? He could no more walk away from Blaine than he could fly to the moon and back. They’d just have to deal with that a step at a time. For right now, they went over the same possible reactions and what Blaine could do about them.

“Dad’s going to be home for a solid four days this week. I’m going to do it….this week. You know he’s rarely at home that long. Maybe if I wait until Tuesday night….he leaves again on Wednesday. That way he’ll have time to cool down or whatever he needs to do before he sees me again. He’ll have time to think about it. I don’t know how mom will react. She’s always been a mystery to me. One minute she’s supportive, the next she’s off in her own little world and hardly notices I’m alive. But I need to do this. How will you and I ever move forward if I don’t get it out in the open?” Blaine squeezed Kurt’s hand as if to say, “You know what I mean.”

Kurt cleared his throat and tried to hold Blaine’s gaze. “Um….I know I probably don’t need to say this, but….before you take this step, we need to talk again about how…” Kurt looked at the ceiling but no inspiring words were written there. “How we really feel about each other. Blaine, I’ve never felt like this…about anyone. You make me feel….like….well like…throwing all my caution to the wind….. being reckless…when I’m with you….it almost scares me….” Blaine uncharacteristically placed his index finger on Kurt’s lips, “Kurt….I…..you don’t have to explain it…..I knew the first time I saw you that….what I was feeling wasn’t some silly crush….and yeah it’s scary but…..a good kind of scary don’t you think?”

“Yeah, yes,” Kurt laughed, “it’s the best kind of scary.” Kurt gathered Blaine into his arms and for awhile they just held each other, knowing that this week their relationship would be changing, just by virtue of Blaine speaking those three words, “I am gay.” But, they were determined that whatever happened, they would not allow it to separate them, even if it meant continuing to play the game they’d had to play for the past three months. And whether Blaine immediately moved on to coming out completely? That was totally up to him. Much as Kurt hated the uncertainty, he’d begun to realize he couldn’t have it both ways. For now, Blaine telling his parents was enough.

Blaine had barely slept ever since Saturday evening when he’d made the decision to talk with his parents on Tuesday. He’d texted Kurt more in those three days than he ever had. He needed the reassurance, the reminder of one of the reasons why this was so important, and right now Kurt was the first and only reason. The feelings were too strong, almost overwhelming. He couldn’t spend another Saturday night holding it all in. Pretending to be interested in a movie or a game, all the while wanting nothing more than to engulf Kurt in his arms, to look into those iridescent eyes allowing all of the desire to show, kissing him with a passion that only Kurt could create. And the future beyond Tuesday night would just have to fall into place all by itself.

He knew his dad’s pretrip organizing as well as his dad did himself. He was always packed and ready long before they had dinner and because he was gone so much he always had two bags packed just in case something came up unexpectedly. Blaine had mentioned on Monday that he wanted to talk with them, so there they were in his dad’s study following a meal that Blaine barely touched.

His dad was seated in his favorite leather chair like a king on his throne in the grouping of furniture towards the left of the room. His mom, as always, sat on the end of the couch nearest his dad and Blaine sat on the other end. His palms were so sweaty. He’d lived all the variations of this conversation so many times….even before Kurt was in the picture. And he hated the fact that he practically had to make an appointment to talk to his dad. In all the years as far back as he could remember they had never had a spontaneous conversation unless you counted small talk at the dinner table.

“So, Blaine, what is it you need to talk about?” Not, what do “we” need to talk about, but you. Always, it was always like this, as if he was an employee. It wasn’t a dialogue; it was Blaine stating his case and his father reacting or advising.

He looked at his mom first, hoping for even a tiny bit of encouragement. As oblivious as she could sometimes be, she was well aware of the non-relationship Blaine and his father had. It was the same relationship she’d had with him for 20 years. It hadn’t taken her long to discover the evidence of affairs over the years and she told herself if it weren’t for Blaine she’d have left long ago….but then she had to wonder why having Laine in Blaine’s life was really important. He barely knew his son and had never taken the initiative to be a father. He paid for his schooling and all of his other needs, but if he loved Blaine it wasn’t evident to her and she knew all too well, to Blaine either. She gave him a crooked half-smile.

“Um….there’s no easy way to say this, so…..mom, dad…I’m…..I’m gay….I’ve known it for a long…..” Oh, you are not!” his father interrupted. His mom looked over at her husband and then back at Blaine as if she could somehow be the proverbial bridge over trouble waters. “Laine, let him finish, please,” she said in a quavering voice. Blaine’s words were shocking and she wasn’t even sure if she’d really heard him right, but he had the right to finish.

“Yes, I am. I’m gay and I’ve know it since I was eight years old.” He managed to get out in one breath. “No, Blaine, you’re not! What makes you say something so ridiculous? Is this some sort of…phase you’re going through?” A phase! Yes, dad, I just thought I’d tell you I’m gay to see how you’d react!” Good God! “Dad, being gay is not a phase, it’s my sexual identity…it’s not something I just decided to try on to see if it fits!” He was shouting; this was certainly a reaction he’d counted on but his getting this angry was totally unexpected. Blaine had never raised his voice to this man.

His mother tentatively stepped in as if she were a referee, “Blaine, why do you think you’re gay? I mean…well you don’t act gay….you don’t look gay….” Blaine was so frustrated, “Mom, would you like to tell me what a gay person looks and acts like?” He hated these stereotypes, the labels! “Well…..they don’t act like….you?”

“All of the money I’ve spent sending you to the best private boy’s schools I could find….is this what did it? Being around only boys all the time? Blaine, you are not gay! Confused maybe, but not gay!” Blaine looked directly at his father, “Dad, being gay isn’t something “you become,” using air quotes. “Gay is the way I was born. You went to all boy’s schools, right? And I’m assuming you’re not gay by the way you’re reacting!”

“Don’t….don’t you dare…..this is absurd. No one in our family is gay. I mean where did this come from?”

“No! What’s absurd is your reasoning! It’s not a hereditary disease or something, dad! You were born straight; I was born gay. It’s as simple as that. And you can say I’m not gay as many times as you like, but it doesn’t change the truth. I’m sorry that you find the fact so repulsive and horrifying. Would you prefer I say that I’m homosexual? ” Blaine leaned back on the couch, almost sure his dad was going to slap him, another something that had never happened.

But instead his dad glared at Blaine and then Barbara, stood up and turned his back on them, walking from the room with not even a single parting word. Well….that was definitely not what Blaine had expected in all the dreadful scenarios that had played in his head. Oh, definitely the arguing and the shock, but complete denial? Blaine knew as well as his mother did what that meant. As far as his dad was concerned, the subject would never be brought up again. He’d seen this many times in his life, not just with him or his mother, but with colleagues, extended family. Total avoidance was one of his father’s coping mechanisms. And it was easy to do with Blaine. Any attempts to bring the subject up again would be thwarted. He would be stopped dead in his tracks if he even tried. His mind conjured up a picture of his dad counting the days until he no longer had to support Blaine financially, keeping a ledger somewhere with Blaine’s name carefully written on the cover. They would continue as they always had, strangers under the same roof.

He finally took notice that his mom had slid across the couch, having taken one of his shaking hands in her own. “Blaine….I’m so….sorry…., ” His stormy hazel eyes flashed, “For what, mom? That I’m gay? That I’m such an embarrassment, such an inconvenience….” “Stop, Blaine, please….you didn’t deserve that…..and I should have….stepped in….” neither of them had to add that it wouldn’t have done any good. “I shouldn’t have said that about you’re not acting or looking gay….I was so unprepared …and I don’t know why….. Blaine, look at me….I’m sorry I said that…..I’ve kind of suspected for a long time,” she sighed.

“Look, we both know I haven’t been the best mother in the world….I’ve sacrificed your needs just….well I guess to keep the peace….like your dad, sometimes it was easier to just deny and ignore than confront and face the truth.” Blaine knew she wasn’t talking about him now, but all she’d put up with from his dad….the affairs….the loneliness. He may be only 15 but he wasn’t blind or deaf.

“And I know you think I’m oblivious; I’m not. Acting that way was just simpler. But, yes, if no one else in this house believes you, I do. It took me awhile to accept it though. For a long time I was like….him….wondering how you turned out that way. So stupid! But….now I know. I know you didn’t “become” gay….as you said, you were born gay.”

None of this! This was not how this ill-fated evening was supposed to go. But his dad’s reaction was less surprising than his mom’s. Was this the woman who sometimes seemed to live in a whole other world than Blaine’s? His dad hid behind his money and his career? His mom hid behind her charities and wrapped a cocoon around herself to protect her from more pain and loneliness? And in all that hiding, Blaine had been lost in their desperate dance?

“Blaine?……maybe it’s too little too late….I hope not….God how I hope not. But I want you to know I’m here for you. We both know he won’t be, we’ve seen how this plays out more times than we’d care to count. Maybe if I’d done something sooner….well it doesn’t matter. I’m doing something now if I can.” Blaine couldn’t remember his mother ever calling the two of them a “we.” Then, she did one of the most shocking things of the entire night. She started crying and wrapped her arms around Blaine….and they both wept in the silence.

Blaine felt like he’d been run over by a truck, but he’d promised Kurt he’d call him when “the talk” was over. They both knew a text wouldn’t do, but now it certainly wouldn’t do. Nothing had happened the way either of them had expected, except for the yelling, the anger and the shock…..but his parents’ reactions were like a tale from outer space as far as Blaine was concerned.

While he waited for Kurt to answer, he realized that despite all the emotional events, he was totally relieved that it was over, like someone had removed a giant weight from his shoulders. He still wasn’t sure how he was going to come out to his friends and classmates, but that could wait for another time. Undoubtedly, his parents wouldn’t be broadcasting the news!

Just hearing Kurt’s lilting voice brought a smile to his face on a night when he was sure he’d end up having absolutely nothing to smile about. “So, how’d it go?” To Kurt’s surprise, Blaine laughed! “Well, my dad’s not going to be giving me jewelry displaying the word COURAGE any time soon but I’m soooo glad it’s over!”

As Kurt listened to the unexpected reactions and how Blaine had interpreted them, he, too, breathed a sigh of relief. Not that he thought his father completely ignoring something that was the very essence of Blaine was good, but Blaine didn’t seem particularly upset about it. As he said, “If he doesn’t want to believe something doesn’t exist, for him it just doesn’t. That’ll actually make our lives simpler at least for now. I know this is only the first step, but as long as I can find a way to come out to my friends and I don’t somehow embarrass him….well, I’ll deal with that later. If it doesn’t touch his precious career then it won’t matter, believe me. And my mom? That was actually unbelievable! It was like watching a Stepford wife wake up to reality!”

The next day, classes were simply background noise for both of them. All they could think about was the few minutes in between when they could text each other. There was a new freedom to their relationship and the scariness had only increased, but still it was an even better kind of scary! They’d be seeing each other later that evening, again meeting up with Bryan and Finn for one of their dance classes. This felt almost as exciting as their first date! No, they couldn’t exactly act like a couple, but somehow the negative tension that had existed between them had disappeared.

As usual when their contemporary dance class was over they were famished and they could hardly wait to open the door to Breadsticks where the scent of freshly baked bread and Italian dishes only increased their appetites. “I think we might actually be getting better!” Finn laughed, looking over at Bryan, “Well okay, we’re not the Warblers in the dance department, but I’m pretty sure we might actually give you some competition next year!” “Just keep telling yourself that…..and I still haven’t heard you guys sing so….”While Bryan and Finn exchanged barbs, again, Kurt and Blaine were having a very hard time pretending like they were having a meaningful conversation. Every time their eyes met, they had to work at not smiling. And their fingers were laced underneath the table, sitting just a bit closer than they ever had in public. This was absolutely the best kind of scary!

In the car on the way home, Kurt was completely silent gazing out the window at the darkened sidewalks. “So what’s up, K? You’ve been acting weird all day! And don’t say it’s nothing….well, I guess it might not be any of my business…” he backtracked, realizing he didn’t want to hear any TMI about Kurt and Blaine. “No, it’s okay….just….” he couldn’t help smiling again, “Blaine came out to his parents.” “Woah!!! How’d that go?” “Hard to say, but he’s pretty relieved….well, we both are.” Finn was happy for them, especially for Kurt. As much as he didn’t understand what it felt like to be Kurt, he was pretty sure Blaine coming out could only be good news for him.

Kurt laid in the comforting dark of his bedroom unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep. Saturday seemed like it was light years away, the next time he’d have time alone with Blaine. He didn’t know what he’d expected to feel like after Blaine’s conversation with his parents. Yes, he was relieved and happy Blaine could now move on with his life whatever that looked like for a newly confessed 15-year-old gay boy (everyone’s experience was different), but the visceral response they’d both had tonight was almost overwhelming.

Every touch, every look was magnified, super-charged. His eyes kept wandering from the top of Blaine’s curly hair to his feet and back up again, soaking up his body like a sponge. And every time they spoke, it was almost impossible to make eye contact…but when he did look at Blaine’s face, his eyes inevitably fell on his lips. Almost like he was just now noticing them. Yes, everything had just gotten scarier. They’d been moving so slowly for so long that the idea of actually kissing him, of letting out even an ounce of the magnified passion he was feeling right at this moment, scared him to death!

Blaine wasn’t getting any sleep either. After he’d gotten home his mom was waiting for him, but not for the usual 20 questions about his day, his classes, etc. She wanted to talk some more about his latest revelation. She seemed a bit nervous, which Blaine thought was probably normal considering the topic and the fact that they rarely had conversations, much less meaningful ones. She asked him things like how he knew, what it felt like, when he thought he might share this with his friends, not an ounce of judgment. She was curious and wanted to be helpful, but this was so new to Blaine it was going to require some getting used to. And as welcome as this kind of conversation was for him, all he really wanted to do was be alone to think about Kurt.

Kurt Hummel, his first boyfriend! He hesitated to think his first love, but deep down that’s what his heart told him. And like Kurt, suddenly with all those physical desires that they’d been reining in for three months it felt like he’d grown a new skin. An overly sensitive skin that responded to every touch, even a glance, like it was being struck by lightning. Although he’d often thought about what it would be like to kiss Kurt, tonight it almost took on a 3D life of its own. He’d never been kissed except on the cheek. The idea of what it might feel like….and being that close to him….not just holding his hand….not just him arms wrapped around him…..he’d never get to sleep if he didn’t do something. At 15, he was no stranger to masturbation. And even though it wouldn’t remove the sensual images searing his brain, at least it would relieve some of the tension. He reached for the baby oil and prayed Saturday would arrive sooner rather than later.

Their destination was a local dance studio that Bryan had been attending twice a week since he was five. On Sundays, they encouraged current students to bring friends to the studio at no charge. It not only kept their long-time students interested but allowed their curious friends to sample what the studio had to offer, frequently turning them into new students. In short, it was good for business.

Secretly, Blaine would be thrilled to take dance lessons, but convincing his dad wouldn’t be easy, even if it might assist him as a Warbler. The arts, or as his dad liked to call his interest, song and dance, was an acceptable extracurricular for high school, after all Dalton Academy didn’t have any competitive sports teams. But as a lifetime career? He was pretty sure he’d rather see Blaine as a janitor at the hospital before he would consider entertainment a viable future occupation for his only son. And he was equally sure that the concept of having a passion or a sense of destiny with regard to your life’s work was completely foreign to him. In his dad’s mind, your career, what got you out of bed in the morning, was all about making money and prestige in the business world.

Kurt had spent at least an hour and a half trying to create a “look.” The three-sided full-length mirror allowed him a 3D view. The star-sparkled deep blue bedspread was covered with clothing he’d tossed aside as just not quite right. Casual was not his favored choice, but casual was what this get-together called for. After casting aside one more pair of jeans, he decided on the dark blue, form-fitting pair he’d just purchased. A white pullover with thin horizontal stripes in a variety of colors completed the outfit. Accessories, hmmmm…..no, not a watch, but he picked up one of his favorite necklaces. It was such a meaningful gift from his father. And he needed it just as much today as he had the night he’d “come out” to his dad. It was a short necklace with a thin gold chain. The pendant spelled the word “COURAGE” in different shades of blue. Hair up? Hair down? He settled on down. If today’s tutorial was anything like practicing with Finn alone, they’d end up falling all over each other and sweat was inevitable. After turning, straightening, and making faces at the mirror, he slipped on a pair of stark white tennies with gold-sparkled laces.”Kurt, come on!” Finn yelled from the top of the stairs, “We’re practicing dancing, not getting married! You’ve been down there for almost two hours!” Kurt sighed; Finn would never understand the importance of presentation and style. This might be his one and only chance with Mr. Gorgeous. He waved at himself as he turned away from the mirror, ascending the stairs to meet his impatient brother. Finn laughed, “Two hours for that? Let’s go, we’re going to be late!”

They’d all brought light sweats. Finn had to hand it to Kurt. When it came to clothing, he was always in character. His baggy sweats looked like someone had tie-dyed them with teal and yellow or like he’d been busy painting his bedroom just before they left the house. The guy-type greetings over with, they started with a few warm ups. Bryan had brought a video from a Warblers performance done when he was a newbie freshman figuring it would be easier to practice to some sort of an example.

After viewing the video all the way through a few times, Bryan took the lead attempting to show them how to dance in a straight line beside each other. Wow! Bryan thought, this is like revealing how to walk on a round Earth when all you’d ever known was the idea that the Earth was flat. The mirrored walls definitely helped, but Finn, Blaine and Kurt kept tumbling into each other, falling on the floor laughing and getting up to try again. Well, their student teacher thought, at least they’re persistent! And Kurt and Blaine didn’t exactly mind tumbling into each other; it broke some of the tension. Bryan smiled to himself. If this was a representation of their competition from McKinley, the Warblers’ only real competition was Audio Adrenaline. A short hour later, done with their first lesson, typical of all teenage boys, they were famished. What better place than Breadsticks to load up on carbs! It was just past lunchtime so the restaurant shouldn’t be overly crowded.

Again, being maneuvered into sitting beside each other, Kurt and Blaine chatted a bit more easily than they had during that first awkward meeting, while Bryan and Finn studiously ignored them, talking sports. Trying to find things in common wasn’t that hard. After singing, favorite movies became a conversational topic. As Blaine described some intriguing scenes from a movie Kurt had already seen, he took the opportunity to quietly observe. Those curls! Black as a starless night. What would it feel like to slowly run his fingers through them? And those expressive hazel eyes surrounded by thick black lashes. For a minute he focused on his lips as Blaine spoke about this or that detail and Kurt attempted to drag his mind back to what Blaine was saying. He didn’t want Blaine to think he was boring him. He wasn’t! There was nothing boring about watching Blaine Anderson. After exhausting the discussion of movies, Kurt brought up acting. Both had discovered a love for the stage, acting in a handful of high school plays and even some community theatre.

Kurt glanced in Blaine’s direction wondering if he had the courage to ask. Almost every Sunday night, he went to a movie. Sunday nights were usually slow. It was somewhere he could go to enjoy himself without having to deal with those who delighted in making his life a misery…and the tickets were half price! Sure, he could just as easily watch at home, but there was something about the feeling of going to a theatre, any kind of theatre. The idea of inviting Blaine to join him that evening was like a motion picture in his head. He ran his fingers over the word COURAGE and nervously inquired if he’d like to go with him. Blaine looked down at his hands and then glanced up at Kurt again, “Yeah, it sounds like fun!” Blaine managed. Kurt silently prayed he could get Finn to let him use his car.

When Finn and Kurt got home they found a blue Post-It note on the kitchen table from Burt and Carole. They’d gone to a movie themselves and told them if they weren’t back in time for dinner, there was a casserole and salad in the fridge. Finn said, “I guess I better get that science paper that I’ve been putting off done,” and started for his bedroom.

“Wait! Finn…I want to talk about something. It’ll only take a minute. What would you think about taking dance lessons? It’s pretty obvious we suck and maybe if we do it some of the others in Glee Club will want to do it, too. It certainly can’t hurt us.” Surprisingly, Finn seemed to be giving it serious consideration, “Let me think about it, K, football is keeping me pretty busy right now, because we suck at that, too,” he laughed.

“Um, and one other thing…would you mind if I borrowed the car tonight?” “I thought you liked walking to the movies…” “I do, but I sort of asked Blaine to go with me and I need to pick him up.” It took everything Finn had not to tease Kurt about his “date.” As far as Finn knew it was Kurt’s first real date, and gay or straight, a first date was one of those milestones you didn’t even realize was that important until afterwards. Finn simply wished him luck and handed over the keys. Fortunately, his dad was used to him going out on Sunday evening, so if he was home by then, there would be no embarrassing questions he had to answer. True, he rarely drove himself, enjoying the leisurely nighttime walk. But preempting that for a date with Blaine wasn’t a difficult choice.

He finished the last of his homework, checking it over twice because his lack of focus was apparent the first time he’d reviewed it. Only two hours left. He had time to heat up Carole’s cheesy chicken casserole, but once it was ready, he discovered he was too nervous to eat much. He took a few bites, and then turned his attention to the salad. It was lighter fare. Maybe he’d manage to eat more of that.

As he pulled into the half-moon drive in front of Blaine’s house, he saw him waving from the front porch. Blaine ambled over to the car, opening the door as Kurt took a deep breath hoping he hadn’t made a huge mistake.

Finding seats towards the back of the darkened theatre, they looked around, hoping to find no one they knew. There were only a few people scattered around them, and they both relaxed. Sitting in the dark with each other, sharing the popcorn, being extra careful their hands didn’t touch, was an agonizing form of delicious. Less than a week ago their contact had consisted of overheard conversations in line waiting for coffee and glancing at each other from different tables trying to appear as if they weren’t.

This movie had gotten mixed reviews, but Kurt had found over the years that sometimes those were the most interesting ones. But not this time, boring didn’t even begin to describe it. The plot was more like a plod. After struggling for an hour to gain some interest, he glanced over at Blaine and when he sensed Kurt’s eyes on him, he looked up. “Pretty boring, huh?” Kurt whispered even though hardly anyone else was in the theatre. Blaine smiled and nodded, “Yeah, very boring.” “How ’bout we go get something to eat. Do you like Sonic?” Even if Blaine hadn’t liked Sonic he would have gone anyway. A chance to sit in the car and actually have a conversation with Kurt was too tempting!

Sonic was Kurt’s go-to for hamburgers and fries or an occasional corn dog. He could sit in the car and listen to music without being disturbed. And he loved the old-fashioned drive-in where they employed carhops to deliver your food. Some had become so familiar with Kurt, that if they had a few minutes when they wouldn’t be missed, they’d strike up a short conversation. He could be so cute and funny! More than a few of the teenage girls secretly wished he wasn’t gay.

After their food had been delivered, they chatted back and forth around their hamburgers and fries and since Sonic wasn’t all that busy on a Sunday evening, they lingered at their station in the parking lot. Suddenly, Kurt’s appetite was back. He asked Blaine if he’d like a shake, getting the attention of Omnia, one of his favorite carhops. Kurt asked for chocolate, Blaine asked for strawberry, and as they waited, they listened to the music Kurt had left on low to cover up any uncomfortable silences. There were only a few, but in the middle of just such a silence, Blaine wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and looked stealthily at Kurt who appeared to be busy watching the people in the next car order, anything to avoid this awkwardness. “Kurt…..is it okay if I ask you something? It’s pretty personal….and you don’t have to answer…just tell me it’s none of my business, but….”Kurt was hoping Blaine would be the first one to bring the subject up. Since Blaine wasn’t out, for Kurt to bring up “coming out” or “being out” would have seemed presumptuous, but Blaine asking Kurt was something else. Kurt was obviously out and not ashamed of it. “Go ahead, Blaine. I’m not easily offended and I didn’t just invite you out because I had no one else to go with. I’m used to being alone.” “Ummm….okay, well, what was it like to come out?” Blaine struggled to get the words out. In the years since he’d revealed his being gay, not once had anyone ever asked him that question, probably because there weren’t that many gays in Lima that were out. Most of the guys he was pretty certain were gay avoided him as if any contact whatsoever would brand them by association. And, sadly, they weren’t far from right! Lima was just big enough to offer the amenities of a large city and just small enough to live by the gossip mill.

“What is it like?” Kurt paused, looking upwards as if seeking divine intervention, “It’s freeing….it’s painful…sometimes it keeps me awake at night….sometimes it helps me sleep like a baby. It’s hard not being accepted, but it’s better than not accepting yourself. It almost killed me when I told my dad, but I just couldn’t pretend anymore. As it turned out, it was no surprise to him. He said he’d known since I was a little kid. But after my mom died, he didn’t remarry until recently, so it was just the two of us. I was so young when she died, it was much harder on him than me. But there’d been a wall between us that came crashing down when I finally said the words, I’m gay, dad. The truth almost always brings people closer, but it comes with a price.”

Blaine let out a huge sigh. “God! I can’t even imagine telling my dad….ever. And I know there are a few gay guys at Dalton, but other than Sebastian, none are out that I’m aware of. I’m pretty sure it’s easier at an all boys school than in a public school, am I right? Did you know I was gay? And what made you think I was?” Blaine didn’t even realize what he’d said, admitting his sexual orientation for the first time to someone he barely knew.

Kurt didn’t say anything for a while, “No….I didn’t know for sure which is unusual. I have fine-tuned gaydar after almost three years. I don’t know if there was anything specific about you, really. Maybe I was just hoping. Maybe it was because it didn’t take me long to realize that you were behind me in line at the Lima Bean almost every day for the last two months and I didn’t think that was exactly a coincidence.” Kurt shot a shy smile in Blaine’s direction.

“So, you did initiate our meeting? You wanted to meet me?” Kurt laughed, “Well, I didn’t actually initiate it, not in the way it happened anyway. I just asked Finn to snoop around a little hoping someone else knew. I was a little miffed at him for that surprise attack, but I got over it. So, yeah, in a way I did initiate it.” Blaine let out the breath he’d been holding, “Kurt, I like you, even though I don’t really know you yet. The fact that you have the courage to come out like you have? I need some of that…I need something. I mean, I’m only 14…almost 15, but I don’t want to live this way…once I saw you…,” he stopped there, realizing he might be saying more than either of them was ready for. Kurt held out the pendant on his necklace, the “coming out” gift from his dad, “My dad gave this to me after I told him I was gay. It’s no magic charm, but it reminds me of what it takes to be gay in this world. And obviously I like you…and I’d like to get to know you better, but are you really ready for that? I mean people will talk about us hanging out together because everyone can see I’m gay. And what about your parents? Even though you haven’t actually told them, if either of them is as perceptive as my dad, they already know. Do you like me enough for that?”

This was something Blaine had been thinking about ever since laying eyes on Kurt. He had some new friends at Dalton, some of which he suspected were gay, but it wasn’t common knowledge, not like Kurt, not like Sebastian. “Um….I’ve been thinking about that a lot…and I want to be ready..I have to be ready sometime. I know it’s not the best way to start a relationship, but would you consider seeing each other….I don’t know…I guess quietly at first? Just until we get to know each other better?”

“Honestly, my parents are pretty oblivious.” Blaine continued. “My dad has to travel a lot with his job and my mom has already done what she always does after a move, joined a bunch of charitable causes and organizations. When it comes to me, all they seem to care about is that I keep my grades up, that I participate in “acceptable” extracurriculars and I don’t wander outside the boxes they’ve created for me. And yes, us being….something other than friends would absolutely be outside their boxes….but Kurt….”

Kurt’s eyes never left Blaine’s as he listened, “We could….for a little while I guess….but I’ve spent most of my life pretending; I don’t want to start that all over again. We could always hang out at my house. Finn knows what’s up and dad will probably be able to guess, but he would never “out” anybody. Neither would my stepmom for that matter. We could meet in groups, like the Glee Club or like we did today with Finn and Bryan. Probably not safe to hang out with the other Warblers since Sebastian is out. He’d pick up on it right away, I’m sure, and Finn told me he’s been following you around like a lost puppy. Sebastian wouldn’t think twice about “outing” someone if it served his purposes or if he got jealous and just wanted to be mean.”

Kurt tentatively took one of Blaine’s shaky hands. “I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. I’ve had crushes…in fact, last year I had one on Finn,” he laughed. “How about you?”

Blaine looked at his lap, “No….never, but I think I’d like to be.” Kurt held his hand a moment longer and said, “Yeah, me, too.”

After talking a while longer, neither really wanting to end the evening yet, they exchanged phone numbers and even made up a few code texts they could use, especially for Blaine. Although Kurt accepted what he’d said about his parents being oblivious, he knew things could change. Like it or not, parents had access to all of their information if they wanted it badly enough. They made another tentative “date” for the following Saturday night at Kurt’s house and would keep in touch during the week by text.

Driving back to Blaine’s, they sang along to the music on the radio, Kurt still holding Blaine’s hand. He knew he should have both hands on the steering wheel, but….he didn’t want to let go. He felt the need to reassure Blaine. He understood all too well what it felt like to wonder day and night what to say, how to say it…and then wondering what everyone’s reaction would be. And then after you knew all of that, you had to confront all of the demons that existed outside your family circle. In Lima, there were definitely enough demons to go around and then some.

When he arrived at Blaine’s house, he shut off the car for a minute. He turned those earnest kaleidoscope eyes to Blaine’s and smiled. “Blaine, none of this is going to be easy….not even close. Even after you come out, we’re both going to have to find a way to deal with what it’s like to be a couple, if we get that far….and I hope we do. But, please, whatever happens, trust me enough to tell me what you’re feeling, even if you think I won’t like it. It’s hard enough being gay without pretending something’s okay when it’s really not. And I promise I’ll be just as honest with you, okay?”

Blaine blinked a couple of times and nodded. Looking into those eyes was like drowning in a sea made up of every color in the Crayola box. He knew his heart was already in deeper than it should be, but he couldn’t help how he felt. Kurt looked around and asked, “Are your parents home? I mean, can they see us?” Blaine knew his dad was still out of town because the garage door was open. And he could tell his mom was upstairs by the light glowing from the tiny bathroom window. “My mom is, but she can’t see us from upstairs.” Kurt leaned across the console, touched Blaine’s cheek with one hand and kissed him softly on the other cheek, then squeezed Blaine’s hand one more time before he got out of the car and disappeared into the warmth of his home.

Was this his future arriving….or was it disappearing through that door?

Uhhhhh! He really needed to stop this. A 14-year-old stalker just wasn’t cool….well, almost 15, but still. But, that guy was so cute…and he wore his gay loud and proud! Not that Kurt had actually told him that he was gay or anything else for that matter. He’d overheard the black-haired girl call him Kurt as Blaine had made it a point to stand behind him almost every day at the Lima Bean. His attempts at trying to be inconspicuous weren’t that hard if he managed to arrive during their morning or afternoon rush…sometimes employing the unwitting help of a fellow Warbler. They’d stand behind Kurt chatting, while Blaine kept one ear on whatever words might fall from those sexy lips. And by now he even knew Kurt’s coffee order! But when he got his steaming coffee, he’d turn and walk right by Blaine in search of the table or booth where his friends were sitting. In the three months or so since he’d first laid eyes on Kurt he must have walked by him a hundred times, not once looking his way.

Hmmmm….where had Mr. Gorgeous come from? One day as Kurt turned around scanning the Lima Bean looking for his friends, he just seemed to be there, patiently waiting in line with other customers behind him, or hanging with a group of Dalton students. He was far too hot for Kurt to have missed him…ever! A transplant maybe? Poor kid. No sane person wanted to actually live in Lima, Ohio, but the city was a hub of employment for the tri-state area of Ohio, West Virginia and Kentucky. The multibed hospitals alone provided enough jobs to draw thousands of hopefuls to the city every day. The city was like a revolving door, people and families coming and going on a regular basis.

Kurt’s gaydar had been emitting its probing rays ever since that day not long after the new school year had started. He’d been sitting in the midst of a loud group of Dalton guys. His ready smile was what caught his eye initially. And then he realized he couldn’t look away. Trying to appear inconspicuous, he glanced at their table and pretended to be annoyed by their noisy conversation. And he glimpsed a head full of thick black curls. Usually he could spot a gay in seconds, having been out since he was 13, his sensitivity was fine-tuned. Of course, the kids who wanted to put no effort into knowing a person, throwing labels around like the football at McKinley’s games every Friday night, said all Dalton boys were gay, which was just plain lazy and ignorant. If that were true, Kurt wouldn’t have encountered the nightmare of problems that being openly gay rained down upon his head. Gay would be at least closer to the norm if a whole school of guys were gay! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

He was definitely hot…and heading for hotter if that was possible! Kurt could tell he wasn’t 16 yet. But how could he find out if he was gay? Finn maybe? He knew almost everybody in Lima. He had no problem making friends, even when they weren’t real friends….just kids who wanted to hang out with the star quarterback. After a bumpy start last year when their parents had married, Finn had become Kurt’s champion. Much as he hated to depend on anybody, he didn’t turn down the role Finn had taken on as his protector.

He snuck a quick look over at the table full of Daltonites hoping no one would catch his furtive glances, when Rachel leaned over, startling him when she whispered, “Okay, which one is he?” “Geez, Rachel!” But there was no point in pretending. After all, she was his best friend; true, their friendship was a mystery to everyone, but she knew him better than almost anyone. Glancing around the table hoping no one else was listening, he whispered back, “Curly black hair, hazel eyes, I think? the one laughing….isn’t he gorgeous?” Since they all wore the navy blue Dalton Academy blazers, it took her a minute. No one would find it the least bit suspicious for her to be examining the tableful of guys. She was just another McKinley girl checking to see if the grass was greener at Dalton. “Yes, I do believe gorgeous fits…but is he….ya know…is he gay?” “I don’t know,” Kurt said with frustration, “what do you think, Rach?” “If he is, he’s doing a fine job of hiding it….but I think he’s looking this way,” she turned around in a hurry. Kurt sighed, “Yeah, probably at you…”

Finally! Football practice was done for another day and Finn was starving! As he was slapping his multilayered sandwich together, Kurt sat at the kitchen table, textbooks scattered everywhere, seemingly absorbed in algebra. Finn pulled the chair away from the table and took a seat across from him. He wasted no time, attacking the huge sandwich, having to use both hands to hold it together. Most people thought Kurt and Finn’s relationship was as confusing as his friendship with Rachel, and it was, but they’d sort of become friends out of necessity. They were stepbrothers now.

Kurt put his reading glasses beside him on the table and said, “Hey, Finn! Um….could you help me out with something?” Between bites, Finn laughed and scoffed, “If it’s about algebra, you’re definitely asking the wrong person, K,” and he took another bite giving Kurt the chance to explain. “No, not homework…it’s about a guy from Dalton…I think he’s new cuz I haven’t seen him before this semester.” “Mmmmmm….what’s he look like?” Kurt attempted to describe Mr. Gorgeous to someone who could care less about a guy’s looks. “Sounds like one of the new Warblers…..Bane? Dane? Blaine? I don’t know for sure, but something like that, I think.” Kurt pretended to return to his homework, looking down at his textbook, “So…..do you happen to know if he’s gay? And please don’t say aren’t all Dalton guys gay!” “Heck, I don’t know K! Aren’t you better at figuring that out than me? Of course they aren’t all gay; that’s so lame and stupid. I’ll ask around though, see what I can find out.” It helped that both he and Finn were in Glee Club. It would be natural for Finn to ask about a new Warbler, Dalton’s equivalent of a glee club.

After giving a few days’ thought to Kurt’s request, Finn realized the smartest way to go about it was to kill two birds with one stone. It wasn’t that he was insensitive. God no! After having Kurt’s back for a while, if anything, he was more sensitive. Sure, it had taken some time to get used to having Kurt as a brother, especially when Kurt had had an obvious crush on him just last year, but his decision to join Glee Club had changed him. He may be McKinley’s star quarterback, which didn’t say that much considering their losing streak was probably the longest in Ohio high school history, but after he’d joined Glee Club? The crap he’d had to put up with just defending himself? Suddenly, Kurt had become one of the bravest people he knew! So he’d gladly help him out if he could. It must be damn lonely being the only openly gay kid at school.

He’d texted Bryan, one of his Warbler friends, and asked him if he’d meet him at Breadsticks Thursday night. It was a school night, but they were always packed on the weekend. After providing Bryan with a brief explanation, and taking some ribbing about playing matchmaker, he’d agreed to bring the new kid with him. Bryan wasn’t gay, but if anyone knew anything about the Warblers, it was him. When he’d asked him flat out if….what was his name? Bryan laughed, “It’s Blaine. He moved here from Appleton, WI. His dad is some big deal at the hospital.” “Okay, do you know if he’s gay?” “Depends on who you ask! Sebastian has been trying to get his attention since the first day of practice! ‘ Course, you know Sebastian, the arrogant…..well, I doubt he’d be so persistent if he didn’t think the guy was worth his time. But, Blaine has never come right out and said either. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, but he’s new…and you don’t exactly have tons of opportunities to meet girls at Dalton.” “I’m just trying to help out Kurt, ya know?….but I can picture these two circling each other for months. Kurt waiting until he was sure Blaine was gay and Blaine, if he’s gay, too shy to say anything to anyone outside of Dalton about it. So, I thought maybe if you brought him along Thursday night they could at least meet each other. That way, I’ve done my brotherly duty and they’ll have to take it from there. Not that I’d wish being gay in a place like Lima on anyone, but if he is it might make Kurt’s life more bearable and maybe even Blaine’s. He’d have someone he could relate to other than Sebastian!” Bryan laughed again, “Yeah, thinking Sebastian was your only option? No thanks!”

All Finn had told Kurt was that they were meeting some people at Breadsticks. This was nothing out of the ordinary, even on a school night. Like every other clique at McKinley, the Glee Club members got together all the time at Breadsticks, so when Finn said “some people”….well, who else would they be meeting? It wasn’t like the other members had tons of friends outside of the club and Finn wouldn’t be inviting him to a get together with some of his jock friends – the horror!

Getting comfortable in the booth, Kurt requested his usual Diet Coke and Finn asked for a regular Coke and a couple orders of breadsticks with cheese, of course. The soft drinks in front of them, Kurt was just going to take a sip of his Diet Coke when Bryan….and Mr. Gorgeous walked over to their table – Oh my God!!!! Double horror! Before Blaine could take a seat, Bryan slid into the booth next to Finn, forcing Blaine to take the empty place beside Kurt. “Kurt, you know Bryan…and this is his friend….” “Oh, sorry,” Bryan said, “Blaine Anderson. He just moved here. Um, this is Finn Hudson and his brother, Kurt Hummel.”

With stealth, Kurt re-examined his clothing ensemble. He’d purposefully dressed for a night out with his Glee Club friends. He never simply threw on whatever was handy, never. He didn’t just dress to his liking; his creativity with what hung in his closet was a statement, something like, “Lima! You are so yesterday’s news.” If he’d known about this….meeting, instead of earth tones with the appropriate accents, he would have chosen something a little bolder to accent his eyes and his dark ginger hair.

Kurt turned those laser beam eyes on Finn trying not to be obvious about the fact that he was staring daggers at him. Finn ignored the stabs and started a casual conversation with Blaine. The usual stuff, how did he like Dalton and the Warblers, what was his voice range, what kind of music did he like, was he prepared for sectionals.

His mouth felt like he’d just eaten a bowl of sand, but finally Kurt found his tongue after feeling like he might swallow it several times, “So, um…Blaine….were you in Glee Club back in Appleton?” Blaine barely glanced up; he’d seen those fascinating eyes, the color constantly shifting, when Kurt targeted his brother. He was afraid if he actually engaged them himself, he’d never be able to look away. Giving Kurt a shy smile he said, “I was in choir there. They didn’t have a glee club. I’ve never gone to a school where choirs or glee clubs competed in anything.” “How many schools have you gone to?” Kurt asked, a bit surprised by the answer. “Four. My dad’s job has required some moving around, but I’m hoping we can stay here long enough for me to graduate.” Kurt stifled a laugh. He couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to stay in Lima if they didn’t have to. But then…Kurt wouldn’t have wanted to move around like that either, changing schools all the time. At least Lima was a known commodity. For the most part he knew the Neanderthals to avoid, when to stand his ground and when to ignore the stares, the whispers, the ignorance that plagued McKinley High. He knew the icy shock of the flavor of the week slushies was inevitable, but at least he shared that indignity with everyone in Glee Club.

“So, sectionals will be your first competition ever?” “Yeah, and I’m kinda nervous about it….I’ve never sung duets, much less solos..or danced…and the guys have been great, helping me out! They really have.” “Wow! Yeah, dancing was new for me, too…well, for all of us, right Finn?” Finn had started a conversation with Bryan…accidentally on purpose…so he hadn’t been listening to Blaine and Kurt’s first attempt at small talk. “Huh? What?” “Glee Club, the dancing, hard for all of us?” Finn laughed, “Oh my god, yes! I’ve got to be the worst dancer there, but hey, we can only go up from here, right?” Kurt nodded, “True!”

Bryan’s mind reached for the barely hidden idea and scanned the table. What could it hurt? The worst that could happen was nothing. He was definitely not an expert matchmaker, but…. “Well, maybe we could get together and practice. I know it’s a little…unorthodox….for competing club members to get together to practice…but it’s not like we have to rehearse our sectional routines or talk about our setlists, right? And since I’ve been at this a while maybe I can give you newbies some pointers, huh?” Before Blaine and Kurt could say anything, Finn caught the ball and ran with it. He said, “That’s a great idea! I can use all the help I can get. What do you two think?” Kurt shifted his gaze to Finn, pursing his lips slightly as if to say, “Well, what are we supposed to say? No?” Conveniently, Finn was still ignoring Kurt’s eyes and he finally said, “Sure, sounds like an idea alright.” And Bryan glanced over at Blaine, “So, you in, Anderson?” Blaine nodded, glancing sideways at Kurt, “Yeah, of course, why not?”

Unlocking the door to his silver Honda, Finn was grinning from ear to ear, partly because he loved to get under Kurt’s skin and partly because? Mission accomplished! Kurt on the other hand was huffing at Finn, raising that perfectly plucked eyebrow that always gave him away. “What was that????” “Little bro’, it was big bro’ helping you out!” “I asked you to find out if he was gay, not….whatever that was! And I’m not your little bro’!” Finn laughed, “Yes, you are – you’re six months younger…and so, walking up to the guy and saying something like…”You don’t know me, but my brother asked me to find out if you’re gay. So, are you? And by the way, what’s your name?” That would have been a better idea?” “Well….no….not like that…” “So, what’s the big deal? You’ve met and we’re getting together and then you two can figure out your own get togethers…or not…but if you ask me, which you didn’t, but if you did? He was sneaking looks at you all night, and he certainly wasn’t looking at me that way, K!” “What way, what…” “You know…do I have to spell it out for you? Say, like I might look at….some girl I liked if I didn’t know her but wanted to.” “Really? I mean…” “Doesn’t matter what you mean, the answer is yes, really! So you’re welcome. Now, let’s get home before we have to deal with the parents asking too many questions because it’s getting late.”

After Bryan had dropped him off, Blaine sat in the swing on the front porch for a while, looking up at the sky full of stars with its quarter moon. Look at those stars! Like Kurt’s sparkling eyes, except farther away. He hadn’t given Bryan the hard time Kurt was giving Finn. For one, they weren’t exactly close friends yet, and for another, he knew a favor when he saw one. He didn’t know how it had all come about, but it was pretty obvious that it wasn’t random. Kurt had to have started the ball rolling. Finn certainly wasn’t interested in him. He was as far from gay as anyone could get. Did Kurt know Blaine was gay? He hadn’t even considered coming out yet, so the overtures from Sebastian had been anything but welcome…and he wasn’t really attracted to him anyway. But Kurt? That was something else all together. Up close? He was almost…..pretty, beautiful…and those eyes! No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get them out of his head. They shifted colors just like in a kaleidoscope. And when he smiled? The cutest dimples.

And here he was sure that Kurt hadn’t even noticed his obsession with standing behind him in line almost every day at the Lima Bean. Or watching him from another booth or table. He’d never really been attracted to a guy other than childish crushes. And those crushes had scared him to death. He might have been a kid, but he knew he wasn’t supposed to feel like that about boys. It hadn’t been more than a few years ago that he’d finally acknowledged to himself that he was gay. Not even his parents knew; maybe, especially his parents didn’t know. Imagining that conversation with his father, a bona fide ladies’ man, was terrifying. What he was feeling now was….different.

He didn’t know what falling in love felt like. Ever since he’d noticed Kurt, he’d taken up residence in his head and never left. His first conscious thought every morning was how or when he’d see him at the Lima Bean that day. And every day he’d come home with Kurt as he’d looked that day tiptoeing or crashing through his thoughts, depending on what he’d heard, what he wore, who he was with….it never ended. He fell asleep hoping they’d have an encounter in his dreams. He wondered if Kurt had ever been in love. Finally, he got up and went inside, only getting the shortened version of 20 questions for a change. As he lay down, his mind kept playing rerun after rerun of every word, every glance, everything Kurt. He knew sleeping would be almost impossible. Before he’d met him, he’d been thinking about him, dreaming about him. Now? All he could see or hear, eyes open or closed, was Kurt Hummel.

He was right, Blaine had hazel eyes and sinfully long eyelashes. And those black curls. They’d exchanged less than 20 words between the two of them, but Blaine’s voice wouldn’t stop echoing in his mind. Even though Finn had surprised him – he hated surprises – he wasn’t exactly that upset, despite what he’d said on the way home. And now he was guaranteed to see him at least once more and this time he’d be able to plan…what he wore, what he might say. How was he ever going to sleep tonight? It was hard enough when he hadn’t met him, his dreams picking the two of them up and carrying them away to as yet uncharted waters. Good thing it was Friday tomorrow, if he was dead tired at least he’d have the weekend to catch up…if Blaine didn’t interrupt his sleep then, too. He’d never been in love. Too risky, even if he could find another gay guy in Lima willing to admit he was gay. If Blaine was gay, would he be willing to take a risk like that?